Finally back to the routine, back to the tradition.
As I sit here, typing away, at my usual, but not my usual. Not my usual Tully’s of the northwest, my second home, but at Tolino Coffee, that replaced my usual. So, I guess, in a way, it is my home away from home.
This is where I am this year, for my yearly diatribe and reflection. I am here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, my proclaimed home away from home.
Since it is around that time again, here is a Bah Humbug to all.
2010.
Time flies. That’s basically what can be said about this pass year. A blink and it was gone.
Gone gone gone. It just seems as I get older, my time is wasting away faster. Gone gone gone and another year is almost over.
Like most recent years that have expired, this year was no different. It was a great year. As I said last year was the best year of my adult life, this year was almost no different.
Whereas one passion, one hobby took focus last year; my work with film and writing, this year another hobby, another passion took center stage: photography.
Ever since I got back to photography at the tail end of last year, it has encompassed my life this past year. I have been refining my craft, my eye and it was great practice as I just totally immerse myself into this. In a way, I did hide my life away behind that camera, but in a way, I documented a lot of things, a lot of my life is in pictures this year.
Grant it that the pictures were very…one note in a sense, but there were many other great things that happened in my life that was captured.
Joining the group to take on the 365:2010 project was great. A picture a day for 2010. 365 pictures that need to account for each day of the year, posted for all to see. I can’t cheat it. It’s a routine that keeps me on track, gives me focus.
I guess losing focus on my writing, whether it was creative or my usual blogging, was due to the fact that my mind was on something else. But in a way, my mind is always on something else.
Even as the project approached the 2nd half of the year, I got burned out with the pictures. Instead of following my usual weekly assignments, my pictures has become the usual one shot of hey, I got my shot. I can put away my camera now…. Tired. Burned out. Unfocused. My life.
But, my skills have improved, as I do hear many compliments about my body of work. Most pictures telling its own story of what is happening. Each picture, documenting what is happening with my life.
2010.
Another year gone. Another year of growth. Another year of bettering myself.
Looking back, I try to figure out how much I changed this year, or if I changed at all.
There is some feeling that I did change. I did get bolder, more self confident, a little more refined. But there’s this feeling that I have become more confused this year, a lot more fickle. Will it ever change?
Will this coming New Year bring on something that will put my poor heart at ease?
It just seems that every year will be that year, but it always never happens. Funny how things are like that. I guess I can just chalk that up that darn optimism again.
Sigh.
* * *
2010.
Where to start?
This year was really good for the wandering wanderlust that was me. This year was a great year of many travels, of new sights, and new loves, reaffirming my need to always be wandering, to always be going, to always be exploring, to always be seeing.
Grant it that most of the trips seems to be home, but the big ones made up for it.
From old grounds of Chicago and Philly, to new adventures in New York City and the big one of Tokyo, Japan. Wandering. Walking. Exploring. Seeing the world. My love. My life.
As I put in a earlier post, Chicago was a trip on a whim. A birthday present for myself. Yearning to visit my beloved again, what better time to do it then a weekend trip. Just a few days exploring more of the city than I ever explored before.
Just being there, just seeing, and walking the well beaten path, new grounds for me. In love.
It was then that I realize that vacations are meant to be taken. Each year, a vacation will happen; a vacation where I go where I want to go, where I spend without care. It must happen. It must happen to keep me sane, to rejuvenate this old soul of mine that is so tired of seeing and feeling the old weary world.
A change of scenery to break up the year of work, to actually make the year go by faster. With that, I don’t think I am wasting my life.
Metropolises. Big cities.
Maybe because me being in Los Angeles has groomed me to love these big metropolises. Chicago, New York City, Tokyo. Cities.
It’s funny how growing up, I always would see myself move out to rural farm areas, with a big farm house and acres of land away from so many people.
Maybe I’m just older, but I love the city.
Chicago, you all know my beloved, but wow, NYC? I never thought it would blow me away like it did.
It’s funny, but maybe it is because I’m such a west coaster that these other cities are so…different that I can’t but help love it.
NYC.
Riding the bus and first setting my eyes on the skyline. IT FUCKING BLEW ME AWAY. It was love at first sight. Laying eyes on the tall monoliths that litter the city, I was giddy. The beauty was mesmerizing.
Maybe it was because I grew up with the notion that I won’t like NYC. The people are rude. It moves way too fast. There’s no patience in the city. Blah blah blah etc etc etc.
I was wrong. All wrong.
The people aren’t rude. They’re actually very nice and helpful. They’re very direct and very straightforward. Very much like me.
They don’t move too fast. They move at my pace. They just have places to go and be.
Ahhh…so beautiful. If wasn’t so expensive being there, visiting, I would have gone back in a heartbeat.
Not only was I there, I was there with mom. It was a good time, just the two of us, exploring the city. Mom just going where I went and for the most part, she kept up. I did feel bad for tiring her out, but it was practice for Tokyo.
It was just a good trip all around. Though muggy, for the most part, the weather held up.
It was good quality time spent with mom, and just a great break from everything. A kind of impromptu trip. I was just so close, it would be stupid not to go.
The biggest trip was my second, our second international trip. It was a trip of happy happenstance. Another trip on a whim like my trip to Chicago, but this one took a little more planning.
To think, it all happened because of photography and setting my eyes on a picture. It came about shortly after I got back from my Chicago trip too. Always wanting to escape and not deal with the world. Sometimes I wonder what I’m running away from or that I’m not actually running away, but running to something.
Maybe in a way, I’m just getting all my wanderlust tendencies out before I can truly feel that I can settle down. No desire to go anywhere. No fear of being caged and having my wings clipped. That’s the ultimate question of my life.
Tokyo. 2010. Japan.
Sigh.
What can I say? Another adventure that happened on a whim. Again, based on a picture of Kyoto.
How the trip came about was that one day, I came into work, looked at my Google reader and saw a HDR picture that was taken in Kyoto. I thought to myself, I want to go to Japan. In the next few hours, I looked up flights and hotels to Tokyo for around the 4th of July. It was a price that I can do; something that I was willing to spend without blinking an eye.
Instead of going alone, I thought regardless if my brother wants to go or not, I’ll be taking my mom. I called mom up and told her I’m going to Tokyo in July and asked she wanted to go. One of the things I love about mom, she’s always game when it comes to going places. I’ll go wherever you take me. I guess in a way, my need for exploration came from her, and dad. Dad always liked road trips, as do I.
So, it was decided that I’m going to Tokyo this year. I got in touch with my brother and he said he wanted to go, but thought it was a little expensive in July and besides, he can’t take any vacation until October. Looking at tickets and hotels for October, it turned out to be a good $500 cheaper and so it was booked. In a span of a day, the Tokyo trip came to fruition.
Love love love.
Tokyo.
It was an adventure indeed. 1st Auntie came along with us too, keeping mom company. It turned out to be a awesome trip for the most part.
I had a few gripes, but that was more for the lack of adventure that came with my family, not willing to try certain things and wanting to go with the familiar. But, to be fair, I did get my share of Japanese authenticity. But I do know that I will go back again, definitely, alone or with someone more adventurous. It will happen, so I can experience the nightlife of Tokyo and maybe go to different areas that is not so “city”.
But Tokyo. Expensive. Everything was expensive, but the people were very nice and the city was very clean. Taking the JR Lines, the trains everywhere was awesome and convenient. Seeing the flood of Japanese Businessmen and Women in their black suits, flooding the train stations was just mind blowing.
Shibuya was probably my favorite place because it was just so different from the rest of the city. The hipster crowd, people my age, not in business suits but in their own clothes, in their own style. It was just totally awesome.
Like I do with most beloved cities, I thought to myself, I want to live there. Chicago, NYC, Tokyo. I want to live there.
But overall, a lovely trip. A experience that I will never forget and like all vacations, trips, it was all documented with my single eye.
And 2011 brings on another year. Another year of possible travels, of new cities, sights, adventures. The possibilities are endless.
* * *
Pickles.
My son. My life.
We had many adventures this year. For the most part, he’s been with me almost every step this past year, whenever he can.
There were many hiking trips that I took him on. One in particular where I had to carry his ass, but I love him and I put him through the pain. I gripe about it, but I would totally carry his ass again.
The biggest trip that we took together was the road trip home for 2nd Auntie’s memorial. He met the family and for the most part, everyone loves him.
He was so calm and friendly, that he was just cool.
Even that trip, the longest road trip that we ever taken together was good. There were many adventures during that long week that we spent together.
For the most part, during the drive up, he was good. Very well behaved, patiently waiting for us to get where we needed to go. The bad thing that happened was that he broke out of Phinny and Julie’s yard while we went to dinner. Luckily he didn’t go too far and I got him back.
Fucker. Ran away from me 3 times. He just misses me and wants to find me. He ran away during the funeral dinner too. Escaped from the back yard. I should have tied him up.
We had a few good hikes and a good night time photography session in Downtown Tacoma.
When I took him to Dash Point for a hike and took him off leash at the beach, he went crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that happy, running away into the water willingly, rolling on the rocks to hide his scent. He was in love. It gave me hope that he’ll be totally okay with being up here if I ever moved back here.
It just seems that he dictates my life a lot. I do have to account for him and his feelings and I think the PNW would be a good fit for him with all the hikes and in a way very dog friendly places.
During the trip I made the mistake of feeding him some rich human food, thinking he can take it since it wasn’t beef. Bad move. The morning of our drive home, he threw up in the kitchen and had diarrhea in the living room. I felt so bad as mom helped me clean up.
I was the most surprised that my brother took it so well, actually texting me how Pickle’s is doing. Mom was looking at Pickles, sympathizing with his pain.
It actually made me think what happened to me? How is my mom and brother so nice and thoughtful and I’m me?
But the drive home was a little stressful since mom gave pickles some prescription drugs for diarrhea and for a upset stomach. Pickles was so tired and lethargic the whole ride down to Fresno that I thought he was going to die. He was in the back seat for most of the trip and I had to wake him up every 5-10 minutes, hoping that he wakes up. Thankfully he was okay.
Even Sister and Gifu were nice to him. Family. I love them.
Maybe next year, I’ll take Pickles with me on another road trip since there isn’t going to be much “vacations” next year since Hien won’t have much time that he can take off.
Pickles.
The more time he spends with me, the more I realize that he’s so much like me. His personality almost mirrors mine.
His love for the outdoors and doing active things. His fickleness of wanting to play and wanting to be left alone. Him needing his space and not wanting to be cuddled. His aversion to heat. Him being a only dog, or acting like he can only be a only dog, though he’s very social for the most part.
He only socializes when he wants to socialize but otherwise he likes to be on his own.
I wonder how he got that way. Whether it was my doing or whether that is how he is already? There’s some times where I think he’s like that already given how we met at the pound. He took his time, sniffing his surroundings, being chill and coming up to me when he wanted to come up to me, then eventually how he just attached himself to me as we wait for Rutledge to come back with a collar and a leash.
It was a committed unconditional love from the get go.
He’s changed my life. Pickles honestly changed my life in more ways than I can ever imagine.
I never would have thought that I would be able to fall in love and depend on a dog the way that I did with Pickles. For now, he’s my life.
He provides me with the companionship that I am lacking. He teaches me patience. He’s teaching me responsibility. He’s improving my Chinese. He’s shaping me to be a better man. Ever since he’s came into my life, he’s helped me grow so much.
I can’t imagine my life without him.
* * *
Day 2
Full stop. Take 2, or just a continuation from the day prior.
It doesn’t flow like it use to, regardless that it is a long post. It just doesn’t flow.
As I can’t imagine my life without my adopted son, there’s a huge part of me that can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone.
It’s not that I don’t want it, well, that’s a small part of it, but it’s also because I don’t’ think I will make a good partner. I’m way too independent and I’m very difficult. Besides, I’m really BORING also.
Sigh.
My poor fickle heart can’t just decide who or even what I want when it comes to matters of the heart.
All I know is I like the idea of flirting, of making them laugh. It’s harmless and there’s no investment that can cause that panging in my shattered heart of mine.
The Month, Hips, Happa, Lady Emo, Ms. David, KK, the Ng….the list goes on and on. And even with this one, there’s not really that many that I’m invested in, since most of them already have sig igs and even then, what’s the point?
My heart is trapped between two, being rallied back and forth like a tennis ball in a championship match. It just can’t decide.
Fickle Pickle.
But in a way, it was easier to just settle down on these two then the growing list of girls that I crush on. But sigh. What to do, what to do?
I can never decide.
I was able to ask a few girls out this year, for lunch, and what not and some were successful, in the sense that we went out to lunch, but others weren’t so.
Like with intern intern, I was able to ask her out to lunch a few times but then I don’t know. She just wasn’t interested, she was busy, she was anything but interested and I really am all right with that. I did it. I made the move. That’s all I can say about it.
I actually acted.
The besties.
Where do I start?
Where can I start?
My heart just can’t decide. It just seems like it is fixated on these two. They both are perfect but in a way not perfect.
One day or one week it’ll be all about Lady Emo and the next hour, minute, second, month, week it’ll be Ms. David.
Poor heart.
In a way, I have already asked both of them out. For movies and what not, but it’s always “all right, I’ll think about it” or it’ll be “one day”. Urgh!
Girls and their double speak.
I guess in a way, I just need to be more forward and a little more confident.
What is going to matter if they aren’t interested? I’ll find another. Maybe I’ll do online dating again. Maybe I’ll just meet someone in the streets. Or maybe I won’t meet anyone at all.
Life is funny that way. You just never know what is going to happen until it actually happens or is on the verge of happening.
It’s just funny how many people seem to be so concerned about me being single. They aren’t even family.
For some odd reason they think that I have a lot of potential. Out of everyone, there really isn’t anyone that really knows me except Mui gwai fah. She knows me pretty damn well, the best out of everyone. But even still, it’s not like I’m that hard to figure out.
But in a way, I guess that most people at work only see one side of me and they don’t see or hear the old monky monk side that I tend to be with Mui gwa fah.
Ahhh, maybe they are right. I have all of this potential, but in a way, they really don’t understand how I am when I’m in a relationship. They really don’t understand or know who I am and how important my independence is to me.
I think that’s just the case, I’m just not ready to give it up. I have the mentality that once I find someone, to settle down, that’s it; no more independence. The me me me me I I I I will go away and only be us us us we we we.
And I honestly don’t know how that will work.
But I think I’m just over thinking things, always being in my head like I’m always. Maybe one day, I’ll just stop thinking and just act. Just do.
Maybe it’ll be the year to come where I give away all inhibitions, everything that is holding my back and just do it. My heart is already damaged more so than many, and I don’t think a simple rejection can cause as much pain as losing the ones I love.
No fear.
Just do it.
I ran out of sport shoes slogans, so I’ll just have to leave it with those.
* * *
The old monky monk.
The old wise sage.
The old hermit in his cave.
Most people don’t see me that way. They have another perception of me, whereas some see me in another way, but all of them really never see me as the whole self that I see myself.
It is understandable since most of the people I see only see the side of me that is at work. Not many of them really develop the relationship where I’m able to drop the sage wisdom that I am full of. Whereas many others see the slight melancholy that is a part of me now.
There’s just not many people that see the whole me. The only one that comes closest is Mui gwai fah.
For the most part she understands me. For the most part, she sees the well rounded me; not just one side or another, but all. It’s mostly because we have that type of friendship where we’ll discuss things. Mostly it’ll be her predicament in life and my thoughts on it, but she actually sees that and understands me.
She understands me the most, knowing that I’m a easy man to figure out, someone that is move by logic.
I guess there was a point during hits year when I realize that a lot of people see me in a different way. For the most part, I understand why they see me that way, but it just seems really odd because I so know myself and how I am, that I would never pin that as the description that they would use to describe me.
I think it was during a RPA pal lunch where the Batka thought I was much younger than I actually am. She thought I was their age, mid-twenties instead of the 31 that I am.
I found it funny because they thought I was cooler, younger, more outgoing, social butterfly rather than the old man being responsible type that I usually think that I am.
There were even times when I was asking, so, you all think I’m immature and Intern Intern, so adorable cute nodded and agreed.
I never even figured that people will see me in that light.
But I guess it is the only thing that most of them will see. I’ll go chat my little chat, try to be a little funny, sarcastic, I don’t take anything at all seriously and then I’ll just leave. With some, I’ll just chat and flirt like with Intern Intern whereas others, I would just leave.
So in a way, if that is all they see of me, that is what they’ll think of me.
I just find it funny, but I guess I would be making those assumptions also if I was in their shoes. I probably don’t know a lot about a lot of people at work because they only present certain sides for people to see and what not.
Hahhaa, in a way this happened a long time ago. Maybe even at Cynthia’s wedding up in Fremont. I forgot who it was, maybe it was Cynthia that made a comment that I look very LA. I think at that time, and even now, I’m still blown away that people would get that from me. I don’t think I’m very La at all, but that’s maybe I know how most people in LA are and I’m not like that at all.
Even recently, as of last week, KK didn’t realize that I was from Seattle. She never pegged me from being from Seattle because she thought I was very LA Hipster.
Now that is a first. LA hipster. I really don’t even know what that means. I’m not hip. I’m not even cool. I listen to sappy Chinese music and pop music for the most part. I don’t pave the wave of what is cool. I don’t even know what is cool. All I know is I know what I like and what I don’t like.
All right, I just looked up hipster in urban dictionary, and I can see where KK is coming from. I’m a blend of hipster along with the blind sheep of the masses. I’m in the middle. I like my thing because I like it and that’s it. I don’t care if it is for the masses or for the subculture of coolness, but I like it and that is all that matters.
I think that I’ve always been that way. I’m very opinionated on many things. I either like it or I don’t. I know what I like and I know what I don’t like and that’s all that matters. I’ve always been open minded to everything and will give most things a shot to experience it and base any judgments that I have on that experience.
Any who, I guess being seen in that way, the way that I know I’m capable of being, the cool, hip, self-confident, social butterfly isn’t a bad thing right? Most people want well adjusted people, don’t they?
Sigh.
To be me. It’s a funny thing I think.
This social butterfly angsty shy opinionated unconfident confident confused mess. That pretty much sums me up for the most part, a living dichotomy.
Ahh, to be me.
* * *
Nice.
I am nice. For the most part, I am nice and respectful until something comes up that may make me compromise who I am, and then I am not so nice. I’ll be bold with my opinions, strong with my convictions. That is me. That is what makes me who I am.
But I hear from many that I am a nice guy.
Am I really? I guess I am, but I don’t want to be coined as the nice guy.
No one wants the nice guy.
Nice guys finish last.
That didn’t become a saying because it is false. It came to be a saying because there is a kernal of truth in it.
The nice guy is the easy guy. He’s safe. They don’t have to work hard for them, and when I say they, I mean girls.
I am the nice guy as Lady Emo tells me. That I am a good person with a good heart, being as generous as I am. As I tell her that I’m babysitting someone during the Holiday Party. “You are so nice”. Kill me now.
From all the things I’ve been called this year, there’s another one that really strikes me as odd. Well, it’s not odd, it’s more of a matter of not believing or not wanting to believe.
I’m handsome.
For the most part, I know I am. I am handsome to many and handsome in many ways.
It’s just weird that a handful would say that to me. I’m a handsome man.
I guess it is probalby that I never hear that growing up that much, but it is just weird that I’m hearing it now.
Even a few years ago with Wsmith and other ex-coworkers saying that I’m handsome.
But they were older.
Now, it is girls that are my age or maybe even younger, my peers that are saying this.
I don’t know if I can accept it. Even though, I do know that I am handsome, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to believe in it.
Why?
Well, mostly because if there are so many that think I’m handsome, then what is wrong with me that I can’t find a girl or that I can’t find a girl that likes me enough to be willing to go out on a date with me.
But deep inside I know what it is. I’m fickle. I don’t know what I want. I’m way too much in my head over thinking and over analyzing everything. Does she like me? What’s her motive? Why did she say that? Reading signs and I could be wrong with them.
I just don’t know.
It just saddens me and knocks out whatever umph I may have.
I am handsome and maybe I should start acting that way.
I am chock full of good qualities. I am a catch.
Many would like to be with someone like me.
I have to believe that. I have to act that way.
Maybe this coming year will be the year where I just don’t give a fuck anymore and just be me with the full potential that I have.
I just may do that.
* * *
This year in many ways was very similar to last year. With all the good that happens in my life to myself, there are others that didn’t go to well.
3rd uncle passed away this year. It shouldn’t of happened in my opinion, like 2nd auntie shouldn’t have been gone. But it happened and it is beyond our control, beyond my control.
As for 3rd uncle’s, I really do believe that it could have been prevented.
He died not out of illness or sickness. No, I really do believe he died from neglect and worst of all, ignorance.
And overall, it’s just sad. Very sad.
We don’t need any more deaths. We’ve gone through so many already.
Can we just have a break? Can we have a few years where everything is just going well, and everyone is healthy?
But maybe that is just way too much to ask for? Just maybe.
I don’t know.
But It’s sad to see that a generation is slowly going away, dying out and our culture and history is dying along with them.
What can we do?
‘Tis is life.
* * *
What is there for me to learn about myself next year? What is there for me to do next year?
Hopefully I’ll get to learn more and better myself. I’m not even close to being fixed but again, from the past couple of years and seeing the direction that I am heading towards, it’s in the right direction.
Hopefully I’ll work on my deep character flaws and better all the things that I am still good at.
Looking ahead to 2011 which is only days away, I have no idea what it is going to bring. I have no inkling what it is there for me to do to better myself.
I guess I’ll just do what I usually do and let whatever happen happens. Make whatever decisions that make sense to me at that time and just hope for the best and deal with the consequences.
Life is a mystery. Life….it’s just funny that way.
For the longest time when I was younger, I never thought I would see the brightness that is out there. I never thought that I would be able to breathe so easily after years of drowning, of suffocating in darkness and misery and depression.
There’s hope. There’s something better.
There’s just something more.
In a way, I just hope that I never stop learning, that I never stop seeing the world that I do and still be surprised by what the world brings.
So, to end my 3 day diatribe of ranting and reflection, 2011 bring it on.
2010 was another year of growth, fixing myself slowly but surely.
I welcome you now, 2011 and make it unlike any other year.
Bring it.
Mumblings of a Hermit 隐者 