to turn off, to shut down, to go back into my cave and never come out again.

I’m ready.

Since the holiday party, I feel like I’ve been falling into that familiar oblivion that I try to avoid. Most of it has to do with my spectacular display on that faithful night, but it also has to do with other underlying issues that I have that isn’t going to go away any time soon.

Maybe it was that pivotal episode of FNL where Sarason’s father passed away that put me into this funk.

I don’t know what it is, but it just seems that this suppression of this angry sadness of the loss of my father is rearing its ugly head again. It’s coming up and up, faster and faster and I don’t have the strength to squish it down.

Falling into oblivion. Drinking till the demon is gone or just bearable to live.

That emptiness in my heart is just growing and growing and I don’t know how to fix it. What can I do to fix it? What is the solution? Are there any?

It’s difficult for me to shake this feeling currently. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because of the holidays or maybe it is the extreme guilt I feel for everything that happened, I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m just tired.

Tired in my mind, my body.

Maybe I just need to settle on being a recluse again. Or at least being more of a recluse than I already am. My good year has to come to an end right?

It’s only fair. Something that was exactly the best year of my life has to come to an end, it has to be tainted with something that brings me down to earth, to keep me grounded, to let me know that hey, I’m not OK.

There are a lot of demons that I have and that I don’t know how to deal with. How am I supposed to get over losing my dad?

How?

Sitting there, just watching that ep of FNL, crying, tears flowing. I thought it was over. I thought it was done, but it is a lie. I know it is, because I am a cracked dam, leaking every now and then as I see something or remember something that reminds me of my dad. Flowing.

It was only Pickles, who got concerned and started to lick my face, that I started to smile. He cares about me. He sees that I’m having problems and he swooped in to save my day.

I love my son. I really do and I hope that he really does care for me.

I know there were many reasons why there was such excessive drinking that night. The main reasons are pretty much the same reasons when I get put in a situation like that…and that is just a nervous tick. Being in a large social situation, I get nervous.

I need something to do. I need something in my hand. I need something to put me at ease, and unfortunately it was alcohol. My judgment impaired, and I drink more and more.

Maybe deep down psychologically, I needed something to just not make me think of my dad. I don’t know. I just know that I’m all kinds of…something. I’m OK, but I’m NOT.

Fuck.

I would like to say that I’m done, that it is all over with. I’m too old for this shit, but I know that I’ll drink again, but hopefully it won’t be to that extent. Hopefully I’m smart enough to learn from that lesson.

Hopefully.

* * *

Lingering rants of past gone events that still have a grasp on my soul. Never to shake, never to let go and be free of anything that happened before me.

Lost in thought, lost in misery, guilt. With tired eyes, I stare out into the world, not being able to make sense of anything. The light that shines brightly in my eyes, sears its way through my windows, hoping that it will bring forth the warmy glow that I need to survive, to break way into this darkness that is enshrouding me.

Thinking of the year ahead, the one that lies before me, I’m at a crossroads. A decision needs to be made, lingering on days of the past and how I use to be. That is looking so good to me right now.

Socializing on my own, doing my own thing, watching more and more movies in the theatres. Ways to spend a lazy weekend. I miss those days.

I wonder what happened.

I’m still learning. I’m still experimenting. I’m still trying to figure out what it is that I should do to keep myself entertained.

I think I’m going to throw away any thoughts of settling and just focus on the inevitable.

I work better on my own. By myself. Alone.

That is a lifestyle for me. A man and his dog. That is how it is going to be. I just need to focus on that and not anything else. Hoping and wishing is only holding me back on things that I need to move forward with and that is my life.

Go out and exploring the world with my soul mate…Pickles. My son, my beloved.

He’s a true companion, a friend, that I love with all my heart. He loves me because he just does. Sweet and loyal. Sweet.

Maybe the resurrection of this old hobby of mine is something that I need to get me out and just do things on my own again. This past year has been a year of traveling on my own and I loved it. It’ll be a mixture of more outings and just being on my own. Each building up on something more and more until the day I close my eyes and never open them again.

That would be nice. To not worry about anything at all. Just to go on and do the things I want to do.

So, what is it all about? What are the motions that one needs to go through to make it work, to bring forth the things, the aspirations, the dreams, the goals, the ideal notions of notions? What is it?

How can one make these efforts? Does he need to know his faults to a T so he knows what needs to be fixed? Does he need to research and google the solutions to see how he can manage and beat these obstacles that he’s facing?

What is it?

I don’t know what it is, or what is it that I’m trying to say. I don’t know much of anything in this poor little life of mine. This mundane life of everydayness. What is it?

Again, it seems that I’ve seen many things in my life and experience moments through osmosis and leeching off of other people’s experience and what I’ve been shown and feel that I’ve been there and done that.

I look at other people who have the WHAT that I ultimately would love to have one day and I think to myself, is that what I really want?

It doesn’t seem like it. My idealized notion of romance is nothing compared to the romance of the real world.

Things just aren’t that easy and shiny shiny in a box that I oh so fantasized it to be.

It’s much rawer with arguments, tough times, bickering, and ultimate ruts and ennui that drag on and on.

What is it? Why is it that I’m this way, afraid to make the move or maybe I just feel that I ultimately don’t deserve this move? I just don’t deserve it.

I’ve done many things in this life and maybe in my earlier lives that I regret and I’m facing the ultimate karma for these past lives. When will it be over?

When will I come out and pay my debt back to the karmic gods? When?

* * *

It’s Friday.

I’m here on a Friday trying to make sense of whatever it is that is in my head, trying to figure out what it is that I’m trying to say but nothing makes sense. Nothing ever makes sense.

I find my writing tired and difficult. I can’t think straight and nothing comes as easily as it once did.

Strained.

Maybe I’m tired and I’m just living this life of mine thinking that everything is okay. Maybe everything is okay and I’m living this life of mine how I want to live.

These internal conflicts of mine, these dreams of finding that one true love is just nothing but pure fantasy and distractions that I need to keep in mind so I’m always thinking.

Maybe.

* * *

Tired and drained.

No energy for the spic and span, hoping to just veg out like I usually do.

Lethargic of the going ons in life and just overall lame of things that are cool and happening.

Working on my own little interests that other people has zero interest in. Just thinking about the things that I need to do and not doing as time ticks by.

I wonder will I ever find my muse, my inspiration again to just jot down the words that I need to jot down to finish.,

I just need to finish.

FINISH!!!!

Time passes and passes and I haven’t done much of anything as I just try to fill my life with unnecessary things.

Am I trying to fill a void?

What is the void?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my father died?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed relationships?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed aspirations?

I’m in a rut, a creative rut and it is driving me crazy.

I go on listlessly, zombiefied hoping that I find you again. Hoping that I find that crackin’ inkling of sparkle. I need you. I want you. Where did I lose you?

Lost and gone is that spark in my life that just drives my imagination, my focus…

Gone is that muse. Gone is my creativity. No rhyme. No reason.

Nothing as I just dote on a little longer here instead of there.

Is this just an ultimate bad place of creative spark? Do I need a change of venue again? Do I need to change and find other aspirations?

What is it that I need to do?

I’m so lost and my mind is a jumble mess of nonsense and just pent up baggage.

Let it out, let it go.

Give up and just let things go.

LET IT GO.

Whatever it is that is pent up and holding up inside, relax and let go.

Let go.

Sigh.

* * *

Thanksgiving 2009

I went to great uncle’s for Thanksgiving this year.

It’ll probably be another year for me to spend all the holidays here withoutgoing anywhere. Not planning on going anywhere, especially during winter break. I just don’t have the money right now and I really want to save up for an 18-200mm Nikor lens. I have to be good and really not spend any money, and that means not getting a netbook so I can take it to work and try to work on things there at work.

Anyway, Thanksgiving.

I decided that I was going to cook a few dishes this year to add to the collection of 3 turkeys that was planned already.

Samson and Sophia did a smoked beer-can turkey.

Nancy did an oil-less fried turkey, candied yams, wild rice.

Robert and Andrea did a traditional roasted turkey in a roaster with stuffing.

I decided I was going to do 4 rack of lambs, 2 green bean casseroles, macaroni & cheese, roasted red potatoes, and asparagus.

Unfortunately I forgot the asparagus.

So, what went down?

Since we weren’t going to have dinner until about 5ish, I didn’t start prepping until 3. I think that was a good time to start, but the oven started to get packed with other things. I thought I’d be the only one using it, but it wasn’t the case.

Also, I was only expecting about 20 people this year and I was cool with that, but Great Aunt’s other family came over and it became 35+ people. Not cool.

It was packed everywhere and no stove space and I still have things that haven’t even started to cook yet.

I prepared the potatoes first and had them put in the oven. Then I prepped the green beans and they just sat waiting for the oven. Next the mac & cheese and then that was sitting, waiting.

I had to get started on the lamb and focused on that while I relied on Robert and them to put the necessary things in the oven. I had to use the bbq grill for the lamb after searing it in the outside kitchen.

Ultimately, in the end, I finished my dishes.

Since there were so many things in the oven at one time, it wasn’t hot enough to cook everything. I should have had the potatoes at a higher temperature.

So, done and done, but a lot of the things didn’t turn out as how I wanted.

The green beans could have used more cream of mushroom soup. I normally use two 10-3/4oz cans, but this time only used one for each casserole. It wasn’t creamy enough for me and. The beans were a good texture for me (crispy), but again, could have used a higher temperature and gone a little longer.

The mac & cheese was very creamy, which is good, but unfortunately the pot that I used to make the roux sucked. Things got burnt and you can taste it. It wasn’t salty enough either. I thought the cheese would have added more flavor, but it didn’t and the recipe didn’t as for salt, or maybe it did and I forgot.

The roasted potatoes….was soft, but not roasted. It was more baked than anything else.

The lamb with the panko bread crumbs. I was worried because I couldn’t get a good temperature from my new instant read thermometer. It ran out of batteries or something, so I didn’t know what the temperature was. I had to rely on timing, and it went a lot longer than I was hoping. I used one of Nancy’s thermometers. In one set of racks, it was still at a low temperature and in another it was the right one. I took it all out, after a long time and thankfully, it all turned out.

I thought the lamb was really good.

In the end, maybe it was because there was so many people, all the food pretty much got eaten. So, for that I’m glad, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel good about the dinner because things didn’t turn out as I planned.

For sure next time, panko bread crumbs. Not going to use any other kind.

Sigh….back to the kitchen to perfect my dishes.

Brain battered and scattered in the streets of the ether in the real world. Can’t focus and focus on anything that is pertinent to me.

Jumble mess of mind ramblings that I am so not use to that it is actually freaking me out. There is nothing there for me to grasp on or that everything that I need to grasp on and lock down is just ” ” that far out of reach. I can’t grab on and hold and hold and love and love and focus and focus.

I can’t do anything as my fickle mind kills the fickle brain and I need to move on and do something else.

Sitting down and trying to write in my last Wednesday off because it is a holiday, I am unable to write anything pertinent. Just a few lines here and there that completes a lead up to the big scene, but nothing big, nothing like the pages and the pages that I need to write.

Maybe I need a muse, maybe I need someone to write for, a inspiration that will get me back to the point of loving the writing that I am capable of. I’m not a bad writer; I’m just a unfocused writer.

Many distractions that pulls my attention here and there, anything that will get my mind wandering for the thing that I need to focus on seems to be a welcome distraction. Shit, any distraction is a welcome distraction in my book.

Life just goes on and on as I feel that I haven’t been doing what I wanted to do or need to do or do anything that is worth doing recently.

Life is just a series of blahs that I have grown comfortable with as I have done many things this year.

Hopefully working on something new will just whip my ass into shape and figure out how to focus. I need to do this.

I will do this.

---

Trying out something new, the above. A line. A separation. A demarcation.

Something new, something different as I get back on this high horse of mine and do the things that I need to do. Maybe this mind wandering is something that I just need to put down on paper, to get it out of my system as I just blog and blog and type and type until there is nothing there to type anymore.

Oh, how the last couple of months have been busy in my life with my little mini vacays and trips and what not. Adventures that I sorely miss but welcome whole heartedly.

Many things, many adventures happened this year that I never got to put down for posterity sake, as I find it easily distracting and feel a little guilty that I am writing but not on the thing that I actually need to write. Maybe this will be it. Maybe not.

The end of the year is coming up, sneaking up on me quickly and that will be the blog of the blog, my yearly diatribe of what I learned, my yearly reflection and it seems that I have a lot of good things to say about it this year. Great things.

Best year of my life. Bar none.

---

New new new.

As I just go about my flow and doing my own thing at work, as I lose my enthusiasm with the things that keep me there, but it is what it is. The real world. Welcome. Blah.

More welcomed responsibilities as I learn more and more about different things, but there are things that I just seem so out of the loop on that I need to be more on the loop with, but I guess that will come with time.

Busy time. Busy days. Stress stress as there will be something new but people will see it as something old. Step back, back to the old and rudimentary but it isn’t that way at all.

---

Hit hit hit.

Swoop in and swoop out. Doing my little business and chat a little chat and then I’m done. A fly by mission.

I’ve been called out with my methods, my little games, my little ways.

Put in and compared to the other more affluent one. THE one of the bunch. I’m appalled, but he is right.

I’m a flirt and that’s me. That’s what I do.

I lower my voice, talking quietly, chatting the chat, of what nots and funny whispers, but nothing really comes out of it. I do my thing and I go. Hitting little targets, pushing little buttons, and then I’m done.

Harmless, playful, and nothing serious.

But I don’t know what I’m doing or what it is that I want.

But I do know what I need to work on. Work on, and fix. My baggage and my issues that need to be thrown, tossed, and handled by me.

Four….maybe five….or maybe even three. I lost count, not sure how many it really is, but I do know there are things that I definitely need to work on.

Loss. Separation. Losing someone.

I need to accept that. It’s a part of life. I’m too realistic to not realize that. I see it every day, but it is painful to go through that loss. I don’t think I can go through another loss again….anytime soon. Whether it is family or significant other.

It hurts. Pain. Tearing up my heart, nothing but ruins and a mass of offal.

It was painful…the last one. Very painful and I don’t know if I can go through another…but I don’t know if the next one will end that way. Maybe it will end differently…here’s to hoping.

I need to allow someone in my heart, to allow that one to get close, for me to love and be NOT afraid of losing that person. Whether she will be stripped away by forces beyond my control or whether we are separated by our own methods. I have to allow for that to happen and be not afraid of it. Let it happen, but try to prevent it. Work things out…but allow for the possibility. Don’t stop.

Don’t limit myself because I’m afraid of what might happen. It hasn’t happened; it won’t happen until it happens.

Space.

My sanctuary. My cave. My home. My moments of hermitude and eternal bliss of tranquility.

Hahhaha. I need to allow for the encroachment of it. To allow people to invade it. I have to give it up. I need to give it up, to make compromises to have that space shared. I know I need to do that. But also, to make clear that there are some times that I need my space. My quiet tranquilness of nothingness that I do but just sit and watch and laze around. But, I know that I need to be ready to do that, to allow for the possibility that my space will be shared. It has to be.

That’s the general equation of what happens when people get in relationships. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about the two of you. Stop being so selfish. Share and share a like. Make that compromise. Hang out tonight, but I need my space on another night.

Eventually, things will get better once I learn to share. It has to be. It will be. It will.

Socialize. Retire my hermitude. Come out of my cave.

I need to start socializing. Meet more people. Stop being the home bod that I am and start being the social butterfly that I know I can be.

You go out and do what you like, that is great. But there is nothing wrong with doing it a little more. Be more social. Meet more people. Meet different people and maybe you’ll meet the one that will make you actually try and be with. It will happen. I know it will.

Do it.

Don’t think of it as your independence is being taken away. Think of it as someone joining you on your many adventures and going on adventures that you never thought you would ever do. It’ll be new, it’ll be different.

Be open. Be open to the possibility. I know you are. I am, really, I am. I know I am.

Socialize. Go out. Be wild.

Throw away all of your baggage. Don’t take them with you. Whatever happened to you in the past relationships, it has nothing to do with your future relationships. Nothing at all. You know it. It’s foolish to compare what others did to you and those haven’t even tried. Just go with it and let things happen.

That’s one of your major philosophies. Just let things flow. Let things happen. You make your own decisions and face whatever the results are; good or bad. Be open. Let it flow. Do it.

You know you want to.

Calm down, relax. Just go and go. Relax. Do and do.

Do and do.

I’m sure I have forgotten some or have repressed it. I’m sure if when I remember it, it will be posted, but the above is what I remember and these are things that I do need to work on. You can do it and you will do it when you are ready to do it.

I’m still young. Very young in many standards. There’s no rush to do anything, to start a family, to change my life. Things like this should not be forced or rushed into. They should just happen. You have great instincts and you follow your gut and it almost has never steered you wrong.

Follow through when you feel the need to do it. You know you can do it.

It will happen.

Have faith. You know you do have faith. You aren’t afraid of it. At least that is what you keep telling yourself.

Mindless ramblings fill my mind as I can’t come to a complete thought and am just procrastinating as usual on the work that I told myself that I need to get done. I don’t know what is wrong with me for the past few weeks and I just can’t focus on anything. Things just scramble on and on in my head and nothing comes to fruition.

I don’t think it is a lack of ideas but the lack of motivation to do the writing. Maybe the things that I have done have proved faulty and just plain not good and why invest myself in this. Maybe I just need a break from writing and writing and writing. Maybe.

It’s not like I’m starting from scratch. I’ve already written it. I’m just making it pretty, flushing it out, bringing in notes and new ideas, but I just can’t get a jump on it.

I’m a good part of the way in, and the next part should be straight forward and can be punched out without any problems, but I guess my motivation just isn’t there. It’s just not there at all. Nothing is there.

* * *

Swimming in place, racking my mind, trying to come up with things that just makes me work.

Falling into the deep despair of oblivion for a bit wasn’t fun. That ol’ familiar feeling of mine, that frenemy has reared its ugly head again the past couple of days and I was scared. I was frightened that it would be that way again for quite some time.

But there is a light, a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see the darkness lifting.

It was dark for a while. That heavy weight on my soul, my heart, my spirits; suffocating me. It was hard to breathe, to see anything but the gloomy gloom of reality around me.

Death.

It’s been all around me. All around me.

I didn’t think I would take it that hard, but I did. Being back wasn’t happy times like before, even though there was that feeling that it was going to be gloomy days for a while. But I just didn’t want to be back.

Being up there was hard enough, seeing, feeling, everyone just in tears, crying. Seeing my brothers crying. Pangs of pain hit my heart.

But tis is life.

I thought I was done, through, over with it. I was feeling better. Smiles came easily enough, as do laughs and jokes, but things turned.

As I stepped into the office, that heavy sinking feeling of falling into the deep abyss of the nethers grabbed me and it wasn’t going to let me go. I was falling back into the familiar, something that I thought I put behind me. It was tough.

I was suffocating in the mourning that was around. That atmosphere has changed because of what happened.

I couldn’t shake it. I thought i could, but I couldn’t. It weighed and weighed on me for a few days, at the happy hour and the day after.

Sigh.

It was just too too much for me to take.

Just too much for me to lose. Losing people is never fun.

* * *

Losing sight, losing thought. Just losing.

Not being able to see, not knowing what is to come, not knowing anything.

What is to become of everything, everyone, me, you, what is what?

The fear of the future leads to the hope of the future, hoping that everything will just turn out all right.

Dreams lay in limbo, waiting, hoping, that things turn out the way that they are supposed to be so that dreams can be achieved.

Just in a constant state of questioning the what and what as I reevaluate things in my life. Have I made the right choices, what can I change, how can I live my life differently than what it is now?

No regrets, but is that really the case? Do I actually regret choices that I’ve made?

Live and let live. Be whatever it maybe.

* * *

Dark tunnel spiraling down. Falling into oblivion as I am overcome by this dreaded ennui of epic proportions.

I haven’t been back in this state of despair in a long time and how long will this last? I am lost and gone as a heavy weight pushes down on me, weighing my heavy heart and soul, not able to breathe.

No smiles, as nothing can cheer me up.

I’m struggling to come up for air, finding that glimmer of hope, but this dark shroud is just too thick to punch through.

All I can do, all I can hope for, is that this isn’t like the days of yore and will dissipate soon because I don’t know if I can stand this feeling anymore after I have known better.

Searching for an embrace, arms folding and holding tight, squishing this feeling away, keeping it from where it matters most, my heart. Hoping, pleading that it goes away.

Hugs does nothing as I just got a good one, but it only wants me to drip drop even more; puddles at my feet, angst in my heart. Gone gone are the light and welcome the shade that I was once so familiar with.

Loss.

It’s tough being around it. Feeling it. Sensing it. Nothing is going to be the same anymore, but yet things will always be the same.

That dreaded complexity that is life and death. They both happen.

Maybe it is the full week I have of dealing with things, the constant pang hanging around me of what might be and knowing that it actually happened.

Losing someone, anyone, whether I was close to them or not, but knowing that I knew them and had good times with them just hurts me. Kills me.

I couldn’t bare it, I can’t stand it. Standing there like a zombie, unable to move, to look at anyone, to feel anything but this panging guilt in my heart, the constant pain that is constantly on my mind.

Death.

I’ve been around it too much. Too often.

Too many, way too many in my life time.

Five family members that I’ve been aware to be aware of, not counting others that I’ve lost along the way and did not understand because I was too young. Too many.

Now six, not family, but a family of a different kind; a work family, the head of the house.

It’s tough seeing all of this doom and gloom that is around, people are different, people are changed.

Can’t see. Can’t be. His kids. I didn’t see, but know for sure I couldn’t stand. Why o’ why must it be?

Life.

It just is.

Sigh.

I put on

(unfinished)

Alone

The morning sun shines brightly in this perfect Northwest morning, shining down another day for us to go through.

It shines unbiased, not caring if someone wishes if it should be a rainy day to match their mood or couldn’t care less if it is something that someone wanted, a perfect shiny morning.

No, it just shines because that is what it was meant to do today, in this lovely morning.

I’ve been having dreams and visions, and in them you are always right beside me.

Sitting here again, the second day of my trip up in the NW, I just type my little diddy so my fingers don’t get rusty. I should be doing other writing, but my mind couldn’t track back to what I wanted to write. It’s the wrong environment, the wrong time, as I feel that since I’m away from my norm, that I should go back to writing that isn’t of the “norm”, hence the extended blabblings of 1s and 0s.

Finger crunching as my thoughts just stream down to my fingers and type at their own will, hoping that I can clearly find a focus and write something with a little structure and some thought.

But it seems my mind is just racing, racing since my focus left me years ago. I can’t seem to stay on any thoughts long enough for it to come to fruition. It pops and goes; my mind just races and doesn’t want to be slowed.

Maybe it is true that I have nothing much to just ramble about anymore. My therapy is done as I just go through about my daily routines and just try to fit in in a world where no one really fits in. I just go about my bidness and hope that it doesn’t bother anyone and hope that no one bothers me.

* * *

Family.

Family gathers today, the day before, to catch up and prepare. Slowly we will be receiving uncles and other relatives from afar and gather at my auntie’s. Preparing, getting ready for the day that lies ahead. A long ceremony that I’ve gone through quite a few times and don’t wish to go through anymore, but that is a false dream because I know better. But, it is good to hope, to exercise your optimism.

Bouts of breaking down and holding it in. Tearless cracks as I see my sisters for the first time and have them cry on my shoulder, me holding them so tight, consoling them. It is painful to me to see and watch and see anyone older than me, especially my elders cry. I hate it. I don’t understand it, but it does.

Maybe it is because they are older, should be stronger. Only kids cry and they are no kids. They’ve gone through so much in their life, they should be hardened, but I guess not.

I guess I just hate it when I see people cry.

But I didn’t think I would take it as hard as I did as I went out yesterday afternoon trying to find a knee brace. I’ll just crack here and there just thinking, remembering about earlier times that this happened, earlier deaths.

Tragedy.

Fond memories of growing up and just hanging out with my favorite auntie, uncle, and my cousins. Our families were the closest. My brother and I would always hang out at their house while growing up and my dad and mom would always visit all of the time, sometimes spending holidays together.

My uncle is the oldest and my dad was the youngest of the siblings.

But it just seems that as we grow older, starting new families, having our separate lives, moving away, things drift apart. Moving further away, our get togethers and random visits are further and further apart, but each event tend to be bigger and bigger.

I’ve missed out on quite a bit of them just because I’ve been away for so long.

I haven’t seen this auntie since Christmas. I wasn’t able to see her when I was up here last. Time just got away from me.

Family.

Life.

Sigh.

* * *

Readers.

Vegas.

Apparently there is a returning visitor on this empty void that is from Vegas. I can’t for the sake of me figure out who it is. I don’t know anyone in Vegas, or at least I don’t think I do.

I wonder who it is.

* * *

It’s a beautiful day today, temperate and sunny. Perfect for me. I wonder how things are going to be tomorrow. Rainy?

It just seems that any funeral day seems to be a rainy day. I wonder if tomorrow is going to be any different. Only the memorials tend to be better days.

* * *

Fantasies.

Listless day and night dreamings.

Wanting and needing the touch that I so desire. The affection and close proximity of just human contact, physical, and not much more. Just a morsel of tenderness shared between lips and flickering moistness of tongues.

Being a guy, it’s not a stretch that I think about it so much, but I do. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had any in a few months, but I sure miss it.

Maybe it is more than just the physical and that I need the emotional also, but I don’t know.

I’ve had that close proximity for a bit and it was a little too suffocating to me. The bird in me feels caged and my wings couldn’t spread and fly.

Physical. Just what I want for the moment, but I don’t know if I’m able to do it.

The last time was a nighter, no more no less. I was able to do it, but again, it was with someone familiar. I wonder if I’m able to do it with a stranger or someone I have never been with.

I don’t know.

I have many scruples, but it seems that they change as my mindset changes, as I get older or as I feel the need for a change.

I would like to think that I’m able to do it, because as long as both parties agree and understand what it is, that is all that matters. ‘Cause, it is what it is. There’s only meaning to it if you put the meaning to it. But it’s tricky if both parties aren’t on the same page.

Can I be that detached? Have I lost my feelings of humanity?

For the longest time I think I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’ll get attached emotionally because that is the type of person that I am. Sex is something that I valued, but I think that was just the romantic in me, that I wanted, that I needed to do it with someone I had a deep emotional connection with.

But now, I don’t know.

I think I’m at the point where if a stranger that I’m somewhat attracted to wanted to get down, I’ll get jiggity with it.

But that is all speculation when it comes to me until it actually happens. I’m the act and decide on the spot and actually experience to know what I can and cannot do. This is one of those.

I would like to believe I can do it…but sometimes I think I know myself too well and know that maybe I can’t.

Sigh.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why.

And it’s not because it is a cockfest here at Tully’s.

I know that if I do end up alone, I will definitely know why. It’s my own doing, my own weakness of needing to protect myself.

I just don’t want to get hurt. I know it is stupid of me to think that way, but it is. I can’t do it. I don’t think I can.

There is nothing left in this small weak heart of mine, nothing more. No more attachments. I’m just too afraid. Scared. Deathly afraid of losing someone and have my heart shatter again.

I can’t take it anymore. No more. There are still pieces missing from the last time that my heart shattered. No more.

I know that I will most definitely miss out on a big part of life, a huge part of life, magical moments that will make me all gooey and melty, but I don’t think I can take it.

All I have left in me is for my brother, my mother, and my son. There’s no more space. I can’t take it anymore.

* * *

A confused mess, that is what I am.

Seeing myself grow old with no one but my dog and when he’s gone, another dog.

But yet at the same time, I have this strong growing sense of optimism that feels that everything will work out in the end. Things are going to work out marvelously as any real life situation will work out.

I will find someone. I will grow old with someone. I’m not worried. It’ll happen.

For some reason, this optimism is growing. I thought about it a bit yesterday, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger.

I stated this before a few years back that I was going to meet someone by the end of the year and that year it did happen, albeit of course things had to end, but I did.

I have that same feeling again. I’m going to meet someone by this year’s end. Strangely enough, I have faith in it, and the end of the year is only a few months away.

Sigh.

It seems that Ms. Ma’am likes it that I have this faith of finding someone by year’s end. She’s not a fan of my negativity or the idea of me not really wanting to be with someone ever.

I actually wonder can I really do it, can I really spend the rest of my life alone. There are times when I actually feel that way. There are times when that feeling is STRONG, very strong. Maybe it is because of seeing how my friends’ marriages aren’t all shiny blingy bliss that is very off putting to me.

It’s probably the hopeless romantic in me that expects it to be nothing less than shiny blingy bliss. I know I should know better, but I don’t. I need to squish this side of me quick…. Kill the hopeless romantic in me. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

Show me show me show me how you do that trick/the one that makes me scream she said

Just Like Heaven will just have to wait until it arrives, but in the mean time I’ll have to just settle for my flirty flirtations with people around me.

Just waiting to spin(ning) on that dizzy edge, I kiss her face, I kiss her face. Just waiting to be in love with you.

The touch and go superficialness of mcflirty teases and nothing more. The noncommitalness of those single moments of heart palpitations that boil and simmer, boil and simmer, until the next time and the next moment and the next girl.

It’s been a long time coming, a long whiles going, a long long time since I’ve written in this journal.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write. No, a lot has happened since my last post that needed to be put down for my own sake, but I just had other responsibilities that I needed to get to…my script, which I have been drastically procrastinating on. I’m at a block that I’m trying to trudge forward, unafraid of what it is that I need to write. Just diving head long in. I need that.

But my jittery fingers and just unfocused mind just needs to put something into words and sentences, just need to get focus and clear the mind and just let things ooze.

Yesterday, August 23, 2009, 2nd auntie passed away.

It came as a surprise to everyone. She wasn’t sick. In fact, she was really healthy, in good shape. Apparently she started to exercise and lost a lot of weight. But here she is, gone, taken away.

There’s no reason. It’s just how it is. Life. This shitter called life. Shit happens and there’s nothing we can do about it. Nothing. It happened for no rhyme or reason. Just happened. Life.

Am I just too detached with things, reality to actually expect something like this and not be okay, but not surprised? It happened. Shit happens. I’ve had my fill of it. My family had our fill of it. From dad, to 2nd uncle…and now, 2nd auntie.

And to think people don’t understand why I don’t have faith. Faith in a Greater Being, faith in God. Faith that there is more to life than just this, that there is some incomprehensible meaning to life, some ultimate “wow” me. I’m the existentialist. This is life and things just happen. There’s no reason for it. It just is.

There’s no meaning to these deaths. None at all.

What was the fucking purpose of dad going away? What was the purpose? Did it change things ultimately? Maybe, maybe not. No one can tell.

2nd uncle and now 2nd auntie? What the fuck for? Huh? WHAT THE FUCK FOR?

There’s no fucking reason at all. None.

It just is. Life just goes. People come in, people go out. That’s how it is and always will be.

The funeral is going to be on September 5th.

The first decade of the oughts is coming almost over (depending on how you want to see it).

For these past almost 10 years, nothing but shit. Every 2-3 years something big happens. Someone goes. Fuck that shit. Fuck it.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it, so fucking tired of it. FUCK!

No more tears. I’m all dried out. I have no more. I can’t feel anymore. I’m cold, stone cold. Nothing for me to feel, nothing there anymore. There’s just no more.

My tears ran out a long time ago. A fucking long time ago. Just no more. None. No more tears, dry eyes that will only get drier.

To go, not naturally in the way of dad or even 2nd uncle, but to go the way 2nd auntie did? Where’s the reason? Where?

God work in mysterious ways. No one understand his purpose. FUCK THAT SHIT. There is no purpose for what happened. None.

NONE. I curse you, yes I do.

I’m going to fucking hell anyway, what do I have to fucking lose. Really. What do I have to fucking lose?

The poor woman bleed dry in the hospital and no one helped her. People who swore an oath to help those that are in need of medical attention, they didn’t do fucking shit. Nothing. Gave her morphine and sent her home? Some help.

Body probably went to shock because of the loss of blood on top of the fall that she suffered when she tried to get out of bed….brain hemorrhaging. Fucking great. Where’s the purpose?

Where is it?

Are we going back to the Old Testament where YOU are a Jealous God? A Vindictive motherfucker? Are we, killing people left and right because they don’t do your bidding. Making all these demands and sending down all of these rules and if your “sons” don’t follow, you kill them. You don’t protect them.

Where is the loving God that everyone preaches about? Where? Where is the fucking New Testament God?

Sigh.

No more. No more tears. Dry. Gone.

Going back to how things are…my motto. Life is shit. Deal with it.

Buddhism, this is hell.

Sigh.

I just don’t understand. I just can’t see things with a glimmer of hope and optimism any more. My eyes are trained true, seeing life for what it is. The good. The bad. Everything in between.

That’s just life.

So blinded. People misled by faith, trying to find meaning into things they don’t understand, and being given a reason why they don’t understand them makes them feel better. “Ignorance IS bliss”.

* * *

The beautiful beautiful northwest. Shiny and bright. Green and fresh. Hot and humid. Beautiful.

I’m back up here for my usual usuals of visiting family and what not. Just up for the holidays since I won’t be coming up for the wedding(s) that will take place later this summer. I’m showing my face now.

Sitting at this drug dispenser and sipping on my other usual and just jotting down my thoughts and my ramblings.

I haven’t done this in a while, so it seems. I’ve just been busy busy as of late. Lazy busy.

So far the trip has been nice. It’s been pretty much filled with things so far, which is good.

Today is the 4th, and yet I don’t know what the plan is. Tomorrow, there’s a plan. Monday, I’ll wing something, but today, the 4th, no idea.

I’m finding it difficult getting into a steady grove and rhythm here, so I’ll just wing it as my slow tired mind tries to pick things up. Maybe the caffeine will help.

For the most part, things started out really well. Things are still going well. I welcome the nice and restful peace of don’t know what is planned.

The drive to Portland was uneventful, but I had a great time catching up with some coworkers down in the Portland office. Just sitting, bullshitting, and catching up. My kind of thing.

Then it was off to see Julie and the kids. The kids were great as usual, though they did have their lil’ hissy fits, especially Emerson. Hissy fit central right there. It’s not that they are spoiled, I don’t think, but it’s just the lack of understanding and the selfishness of kids. But it is very cute that Mason is calling Emerson “bad” for crying. A lil’ too cute.

But it was also nice to just chat with Julie and catch up on things. Family drama, family business, and just what is happening in general. We kept if mostly to everyone but me, besides the general and that is nice. I can’t complain.

Not bad at all.

The next day was a light day, for it was only a dinner. That too was nice, catching up with my younger cousins. Just talking and bullshitting as usual, catching up and what not. It was all right. Can’t complain, since I haven’t seen some of them since before I moved down to Los Angeles. But strangely, many believed that i was going to actually move up or that I was moving up. Don’t know where that rumor started, but I set them straight that it was more that if I have to move up, I would be okay with it.

Yeah, this blog is just ugh, as I still struggle to figure something out, to catch that groove that just slips and sails and falls away from my brainy brain grasp.

The best day so far, the long day so far was the trip to Richmond/Vancouver BC. It was excellent. A long long day as we went about and just get a feel, see Vancouver and experience the magic that is Richmond.

Went to Kirin restaurant for some dim sum. THE BEST DIM SUM I HAD IN OVER 10 YEARS IF NOT MY LIFE. Wow.

Wow just doesn’t do it justice. The Sui Mai, the Har Gow, the braised stomach and tendons, EVERYTHING was just wow. The jumbo bitefuls of shrimp in the Har Gow with no fillers. The shrimp and fat meat in the Sui Mai. The just well balance of crispy mein and glossy sauce that is just at the right texture, not too thick, not too thin. Just perfect.

Awww, food. I love food. I can move anywhere that just have great food. I can totally move to Richmond and be okay with it.

But then we had quite a few hours to spend before the Tai Pai Dong, or the Richmond Summer Night Market. So, we went to a few places that Hien’s friend recommends and others that Delicate Flower did. We passed the time and ventured out to Chinatown in Vancouver also.

But then the night market. It was cool. Just a bunch of local vendors coming up and pitching up tents and sell their stuff. A Bite of Richmond slash artist festival and swap meet type thing. Very interesting.

Lots of good food. One really can’t go wrong with meat on a stick. You really can’t.

It was a long long day yesterday, but it was a great day of just doing things and hanging out with my brother and mother.

* * *

Sigh. Finally finished. Finally done. Turned in and let it hang.

In the Light is done. No more working on it or putting it off. It actually didn’t turn out that bad actually. Not that it’s that good to begin with because it was just a thrown together script, but technically it’s not bad for what it was.

I just finished it. Tired of putting it off. Stayed up and put in the work, the time, the effort and it got done.

Scott and Rutledge said it wasn’t that bad. The sound work was good.

Now, like Scott said, we just have to put all of my skills and the good things that I did for each short together and make a really good one.

APS just got rejected by the San Diego Asian Film Festival.

Eh..

* * *

Love Me or Him

Patiently waiting, knowing me and my quirks, nothing is going to happen.

Not sure what my royally confused mind is going to do or what, all I can do is just silently and patiently wait. There is nothing that I can do. Nothing at all.

I just don’t know what it is, as pressure pressure is running on a low wave length that I do pick up but isn’t overt enough to warrant a discussion. Just a simple acknowledge and ignore suffices.

There is nothing I can do right now and that is that. I just don’t know what I want. Nothing at all.

Wait and experience and go through the daily things that I do go through and need to see and feel and just be and things will eventually go there as this general mass confusion of mine will just subside and come to a point.

A Point.

What is that point, I don’t know. Future is too murky for me to see. Just a silver haze of I don’t know, but I’m being optimistic.

Something will happen.

I had it set in my head already as I already told him. When I get a chance I will take that step on London Bridges.

And surely it happened. I totally didn’t expect it nor was it actually planned out as that, but it happened.

Just a simple passing. The formalities are given and out of the way but things seem to stay in the air. Maybe her spidey senses felt something and warned her something was up.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her stop and turn as I continue to where it is I was going to go. More formalities and I ask, but she’s busy. Next week and it is on.

Simple.

No pressure, nothing awkward, just what the what and it felt right.

No expectations and nothing nothing but just flowing with the flow of the current that directs my life. A whim of fancy.
‘O rest my fickle heart
Beating for the novel
Settle and steady
Pound as things turn
To the familiar and mundane
Palpitate then and I will know
My heart beats for life
But there is no one, nothing that makes my heart beat the beat but me and my delusions.

Just things in my head as I live out fantasy over fantasy again and again coming to the same conclusion that I’m a work in progress, working to fix the things that are majorly broken.

My writing is slipping, slowly slipping away from me, not able to come back and help me finish up whatever it is that I need to finish. My current scripts, my future projects, my twing twang of nonsense has been gone.

I sit and stare, sit and stare for the most part each day that I come out here and try to write, try to jot down my thoughts, my characters’ latest escapades of finding love and going to hell. I have lost my touch to put words into meaningful sentences that make up the script.

I have lost my way.

I don’t know why this has happened. I was so gung-ho about the writing, but maybe I just got side tracked by APS to really fall back on and follow through. It’s a block, a break, a misconnection that I can’t seem to shake and get back.

I see the thing unfold before me, but maybe it is that lil’ small voice in my head again that just plagues my securities, creating self doubt about what I can really do. Or maybe it is just I’m lazy. Or maybe I’m just afraid of success. I would like to believe it is the latter.

It’s not like there is a lot of stuff on my mind. There really isn’t much. Nothing much at all.

It’s not like I’m always that tired to just not do it. I come out, I sit, I stare. I’m ready to write, ready to jot, ready to create and imagine the world of my characters unfold before the page creating circumstances for themselves of their own undoing. Their choices should manipulate the flow of the script, but it just never seems to unfold properly, smoothly, if at all.

Small spurts of inspiration form a few number of pages that doesn’t amount to much of progress. Things are just going slow, things are just not flowing the way that it should. Just a simple misconnect on what I want to say and what really happens.

I just find excuses why I don’t want to do it, pushing things aside, saying it doesn’t feel right, I’m tired, I’m not focused. I’m treating this ambition as a joke. Am I losing it? Is it already gone?

Distractions are plenty, but I just have no will power not to be distracted. I welcome the distraction. An excuse not to write. I’m just not serious about it right now I guess.

Maybe it is just the fear of completion of it. I don’t know. I just can’t focus, no focus, none. Done.