I AM A HOMEOWNER.

I AM FIRE.

I AM RETIRED.

LET’S. MOTHERFUCKING. GO!

Sigh…

Here we go.

I’m off on a long weekend in Fresno, typing away in my hotel room.

I didn’t go straight to sister’s house; I spent a long slow day up 99 “exploring” and spending some time on my own.

I’ll stop by in a few hours but just wanted to get some alone time to myself.

I’m in a funk.

I think it’s back…that darkness….that familiar old friend of mine.

…darkness, my old friend…

Growing up with it, it does kind of like an old friend now…or even my crazy soulmate.

Like I’ve said before, this grown-up version is different. It’s not that dark deep down soul crushing depression.

It’s like a functional depression, a small annoying little blip in the back of your mind, body, heart….that you know it’s there…it’s not happy….you don’t know when it’ll leave….it’s just there.

It’s not crippling. It has more compassion for you than it did before. It makes sure you are functional. It makes sure you are up, living, doing…maintaining….it has enough respect for you to do it…but it’s always there…

It’s like a you are walking on a thin precipice…ready to take that one final step and it drops you down to its depths, but it doesn’t….

Darkness. My old friend.

It’s just been a lot lately.

Work fucking sucks.

Dynamics changed with all the layoffs.

It just feels like a dying place. Miserable.

People asking me questions and teammates asking me questions for a lot of things because again, I’m a great source of information.

They are asking for me to make decisions which I feel isn’t my place to make because I am not the director, but only because I’ve been doing this for years and know our systems and how we work.

I’m tired.

Job search fucking sucks.

Rejection or ghosted.

Take your pick.

Finances.

It’s been rough.

It’s getting expensive to just live lately.

Bills…car maintenance, car tabs, electricity bill, etc…

Money money money.

I don’t have much left. Haven’t been able to save because of these expenses.

And here I am, spending on this trip like it is a normal vacation.

But I guess I should make it a little vacation. I need a break.

Spend and explore like I normally do.

Get me back to a sense of normalcy.

Get me back.

I’m tired.

Sigh.

Planning ahead.

Looking ahead.

I don’t know what I’m going to do this holiday break.

There are so many unanswered questions that I just don’t know until that time comes.

I would love to drive home over the holidays.

El Nino.

Rain.

It’s supposed to be much drier in the PNW, which is great, but it’s going to be rainy as fuck down here.

I don’t know what the mountains are going to be like. Snow? Maybe not…but there’s going to be rain.

No idea.

Job?

Who knows? Will I get a new one by then?

Will Dan hook me up?

No clue.

FIRE. DEFINITELY!

Hahhaa.

We shall see.

Tired.

Life.

Tired.

Sigh.

Plans changed.

I thought I was going to get up this morning, hit up Dutch Brothers and actually sit and write there for an hour or two. It’ll almost be like pre-pandemic times where I’ll write at Volcano Tea House.

Those were the times.

But I opted not to. No AC. The tables were all fucking sticky. It wasn’t that it was dirty, but it’s one of those shitty nasty fucking plastic that gets sticky after a year or two.

Fucking gross.

So, I came back to the hotel room to write.

I do miss going out and writing though.

I could sit back and just people watch.

Ahhh…people watching….something I do miss.

Times changed.

Times. Changed.

I’m tired.

When will this…whatever this is..end?

I know I’m just complaining, venting to this void.

I know I’m privileged.

I know that I have it so much better than many.

I’m fortunate.

But man, I don’t know…It’s a lot right now.

So many things that I’m hopeful for. So much I’m yearning for.

MANIFESTING.

So much.

It will happen.

It definitely will.

Mega Millions want to be in my finance accounts.

That new build in my neighborhood wants me to be its owner.

The UNIVERSE wants me to FIRE now.

I welcome it all.

I WELCOME IT ALL.