Here is another self imposed writing prompt:  Write about meeting someone you may or may not know during a annual event, on two occassions.

Basically this story was something that I needed to get out of my system.  Its’s been brewing for quite some time and it is appropriate for me to end my year with this story. 

It was like one of those meet cute moments in a Nora Ephron Rom-Com when I first saw her that night.  I turned towards the crowded restaurant floor and in cinematic slow motion the crowd parted to reveal the beautiful leading lady.  My heart literally skipped a beat.  She stood there, looking at me and we both took our slow steps toward each other and embraced.  I couldn’t believe it. 

I may have been drunk when this all happened and I wouldn’t blame myself as I felt a little anxious at our company’s annual Holiday party.  The whole night, up to that moment, I had my doubts if she was going to show up at the party because she was out sick during the day.  But there she was and the butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

It was a moment of dreams, of fantasy.  It was a moment only in the movies, the moment that was going to be the start of my new life, my life with my romantic ideal, my soul mate, the love of my life.  Esther.  Esther Spiegelman. 

The restaurant was loud like any party should be, but it felt like we were alone.  We stood there with each other, each talking into the other’s ear.  I said something stupid and dorkishly me and she laughed.  Esther replied with a gusto of snark and wit with a flair of girlish charm that made me weak in the knees.  Only in the language of film would this ever happen.

The rest of the night was a montage of images to an eclectic upbeat soundtrack that spanned decades.  The more I drank, the looser I felt, and the more fragmented my memory was.  I walked Esther to the bar for a drink and I lost her in the crowd as she started to chat with her friends.  I then made my way through the sea of people trying to find my own crowd.

The rest of the party was just memories of me talking to my coworkers, some cute girls here and another cute girl there, and I remembered the whole time that I was having fun, which I never really do at big parties.  But shimmers of Esther always came back to me.  We caught each other’s eyes from the opposite side of the room and raised our glasses in a toast.  Secret smiles shared through the crowd as we bumped into each other again and again throughout the night.

The party wound down to its final moments as everyone filed out of the restaurant.  Our last moments together were outside on the curb.  I waited for the valet to get my car and she saddled up to me asking if I was going to the after party down the street.  I really didn’t plan on it, but since she was going, I obliged.  With a simple yes from me, she went on her merry way to the party, leaving me at the curb fetching my car. 

It warmed my heart knowing that she may have wanted to hang out with me at the after party.  It warmed my heart that when I thought my night of seeing her would end that it wasn’t.  It warmed my heart.

But alas all fairy tale movies come to a conclusion.  Some are happy endings where everything ties up in a nice little bow and others end with the viewers wanting more.  This was one of them as I got to the King’s Head and she was nowhere to be found. 

* * *

My heartstrings played melodies for Esther for a while now.  Like any relationship of unrequitedness, feelings festered softly and quietly as we both got to know each other.  At that time, I was actually interested in her best friend Cheryl.  I would go visit Cheryl but I always ended up talking to Esther instead.  Through our little chats and interactions, my heart found its new tune.  Whatever affections I had for her friend dwindled as it should. 

I visited her more and more and we chatted our little hearts away.  My icy heart melted with the warmth of her charms and I was smitten and addicted.  I fed off of the drug she was selling. I was a fiend for her. 

Throughout this time, I asked her out from time to time, but each time nothing came of it.  She would say, “we’ll see” or “maybe”.  At first there was hope in these little words.  Hope of an actual maybe, and hope that she does see.  But as I settled into my nature, these words just mock me of the hope that will never come.

Each time would be a dagger in my heart and each time it would take me months to recover the confidence to ask again.  I was Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll down again.  It seemed to be a losing battle in this game that we are playing.  I had lost before I even got to play but I was too stubborn to know any better.

But by the time of the holiday party, my confidence was up again.  With everything that happened between us, I was at the precipice.  It was time to ask her again and I did.  I called her up wanting to meet up later during the week. 

Esther answered and the surprise was in her voice, unsure of how I got her number (which she gave me months prior).  We exchanged niceties and I closed my eyes and took my plunge.  The uneasiness and uncomfortableness that was on the other end was deafening.  I felt it in my bones and my heart even before she can give an answer.

“I’ll have to check my schedule and I don’t have my date book with me,” was all that she had to say.  There was no hope in her answer.  The boulder rolled uncontrollably down the mountain and I was too tired of this life to push it back up.  She was nice about it as she said she would get back to me and eventually she did.

Esther’s reply was a battle half won, but a war lost.  We did end up getting together but it wasn’t how I hoped it would be.  I had already made plans with Cheryl a few days prior and Esther decided to crash that.  It was an out for her to hang out with me without hanging out with me.  It was her way of letting me down easy.

The war was over.  I had lost it and it was bloody.  It was a war I was never equipped to fight.  Defeated.  I collected my wounded heart and prepared for restoration.  My heart steeled over with ice again.

The New Year came and with it came a new resolve.  I decided that I needed to take myself out of the equation.  I needed to remove myself from her and I did, but being the fiend that I was, I couldn’t quit cold turkey.  I fell off the wagon a few times, each time bringing me back to the addiction that I once thrived on.  Being around her just made me weak and I needed more of her. 

Eventually things got easier.  Detox was working.  Esther was no longer strumming the strings of my heart.  Her melody was a tune I no longer recognize.  It was just a fading memory that stung from time to time as it fought to be remembered, like a song stuck in one’s head which eventually fades into the back of one’s mind. 

For a year, that was how time passed.  New memories were made as others just faded into the forgotten and a few fought to linger on.  Esther lingered. 

* * *

Tonight’s party was no different than any other holiday party.  Associates let loose and partied a little too hard, drank a little too much, and got too touchy feely than they normally would.

I moved from crowd to crowd and drank to drown my anxiety as I normally do.  Soon I finally relaxed and learned to enjoy myself again.

Then out of the crowded mass I spot her.  Esther was talking to a good friend of hers, nursing her glass of wine, entranced in the conversation that she was in. 

There were no parting of the crowds tonight nor were there anyone moving in slow motion.  Tonight was not a night of fantasy or movies.  Tonight was just a night not unlike any other.  Tonight, I just walked passed her, not hoping for anything from her.

But she was there.  I felt her.  Her melody played in the back of my mind.  My heart felt it.  My heart sang it.  My heart needed it and my heart got its wish.

I honestly tried to avoid her but maybe subconsciously I wanted to talk to her.  Or maybe it was beyond my control and the Hands of God had something else in mind, slowly plotting and moving us together as the night progressed. 

We were pushed into each other.  We hugged and chatted for a bit.  There were no dorkishly me moments nor were there any gusto of snark and wit.  We were close to each other, screaming into the other’s ear, trying to fight the noisy crowd. 

There was nothing romantic about any of it.  Our conversation was banal and boring.  Looking back, it was probably no different than any of the conversations that we had.  I just didn’t idealize or romanticize it like I normally did. 

Soon we faded back into the crowd, separated by the flood of people and she was then forgotten.  Esther was just another familiar face in a sea of faces.   Esther was just another girl that I once knew. 

My heart strummed no songs nor held out on any hope.  It just beat on, not skipping a beat to a brand new tune.

On this last day of the year, I spend it like I normally would on a day off. I am here typing my life away, documenting the thoughts and feelings that cloud my mind, flooding of words out of my fingers, typing into the ether.

I spend it like I normally would.

Time is drawing to a close.

I have written my goodbye and am looking forward to what the new year will bring. The new memories that I’ll make. The new things about myself that I will find.

The new year will be a blank canvas awaiting me to paint my masterpiece. The control is mine. The decision is mine.

I just need to paint it with conviction.

* * *

Words.

They are all that I have.

Words.

They comfort me. They understand me.

They get me.

Words.

My how I have grown to love these little letters and punctuations. They were once a dreaded tour, but now I devour them because they are a life force.

They make me feel alive, they make me feel. They give me genuine emotions, tugging at my easily manipulated heart strings.

Words.

My drug of choice.

* * *

My ambitions are running wild. My head is spinning with ideas on how I can write a novella or a novel. The essence of the story is just swimming in my head, waiting for me to pluck it out and organize them.

It won’t be a standard structure or narrative. It’ll be something that jumps around with a running string that ties everything together.

I just need to focus on it, to write it out.

I just need to be good about it and stop dicking around and watch too much TV. My year should be filled with projects of writing and photography. It should be a busy year of productivity instead of the flatted year of procrastination.

* * *

There’s a woman here, coming in all huffing and puffing with a purpose. She sits next to me and then decides to change to another table.

She’s quiet as she sets up her laptop, doing whatever it is that she’s doing. She fires it up and places her order for her boba milk tea.

Normally a girl like her would generally not hold my attention. I looked her over and decided that was enough of that from me for her, but something draws me in.

She, Jordan — why not? sits there with her sunglasses on, writing.

Maybe she has very sensitive eyes and she needs the sunglasses to dampen the brightness of her laptop screen. Staring at the laptop for too long causes migraines.

I’m curious now what it is that she’s working on. Is it a story, a blog, screenplay, or something more in the vein of work? This is her office? Maybe.

I don’t know.

* * *

Today’s words are just time suckers. They have no value, just words that come to me as I try to pass the time, to be out of my house, to enjoy the outside world, to do what it is that I usually need to do.

Today is something new for me as I sit here trying to collect my thoughts for my usual year end bah humbug to all, on the day of Bah Humbuggedness. I sit here in a different spot, in this awkward window without my usual Boba Girls to gawk at, typing away about the year that was.

I sit here at Starbucks typing away on a day which I’m usually traveling instead of home. Different indeed.

So, to just get into the spirit and the mood, here it is, my bah humbug to all. Bah Humbug.

* * *

Maybe it is that I’m getting older and with age goes one’s memory, but trying to think back about the year, especially the beginning, it just seems that I have forgotten much of it. Maybe it is that my life has been so wrought with the mundane and the routines that they all bleed together. Nothing really sticks out to me this year. Nothing really gives me that umph for this year.

Thinking about it, on a whole, it was unlike any other year. It’s been a year of ups and downs. It’s been a year of triumphs and of failures. It’s just been another year.

But for me, what stands out for me about this year is this dreaded feeling of change. It wasn’t that changed happened perse, but that dreaded feeling of the need for change. I have coined it my Mid-Life, or midlife crisis. It definitely felt that way. It still feels that way.

I don’t know what brought it on though. Thinking back, I definitely had feelings of a need for change, or that something was just off about me ever since I got back from the epic road trip I did last year, 2011. Everything just felt off. My Spidey senses were tingling. I was just being super sensitive about myself and my surroundings.

Maybe a lot of things from last year just carried over in my thoughts. The feelings I felt with Ms. D when I asked her out during the break last year and what transpired. After I made the decision to just move on, not to see her as frequently as I did before and to not be contacting her so much

In a way, it half worked. I didn’t go visit her as often as I normally would. One form of contact stopped and another one started. I started to email her more frequently, passing her links and what not.

I guess in a way, I can’t just quit cold turkey and I just needed to take my time with it. Maybe, it was in the right step and I’m just seeing it in a different way, interpreting it in a different way.

Maybe.

But for sure, the year started off with that weighing over me, as I went back to work, trying to keep to my promise to just not visit her as often.

But even then, as I’m still friendly with her, as we are still friends, I still felt the desire to change.

* * *

What brought on this midlife of mine? I don’t know.

In a way, I guess I do. I need to grow up. I need to make a decision and maybe it is that I am ready to go out, to find someone to fill that void in my life, to bring me back into the world. It’s not that I am completely detached from the world. It’s not that I need that sort of companionship, but in a way I do. I want that. I miss that.

I think it is that I am not getting any younger. If I am to start a family, I need to make some changes. I need to grow up a little bit more. Stop being this big kid, this man child, which I feel that I am. I am just a selfish big kid who’s only worrying about and taking care of himself. I need to grow up.

I think ultimately that is what it is.

It is time and I really do need to make that change. I need to take action.

I kind of started to make this progress to be a better man, a better person, a more mature grown up me.

I started to think about how I dress. I started to stop wearing my comfortable t-shirts and to wear more button ups. I started to dress like a grown up. I still have a long ways to go, but it is a small start. Little steps. Change and revolutions starts with one simple action. That is my action.

* * *

This midlife of mine has been constantly hounding me the whole year. There’s no shaking it. I just have to make these whatever changes I need to make and just hope that I finally am able to accept myself as changed enough where this feeling goes away.

I don’t know if there is a connection between this midlife of mine and this constant fatigue that I have been feeling. My doctor says that I am stressed and she may be right.

In a way, I have been really stressed with work this year. My responsibilities haven’t changed. My skillset has since I’m learning a lot of new things this year. It’s just maybe I am more reliant on other people this year to get my work done and it is taking a long time for me to finish my projects. I hate that.

I don’t’ know how to cope with that, being so reliant on other people. Work. Stress.

But hopefully things will get better as I’m about to close a few of my projects. Hopefully things will look brighter on the new year.

It already does feel that way.

There’s still a part of me that think it is environmental.

I don’t remember whether this fatigue feeling started before or after my birthday, but I know that I felt great during my trip to Arizona for my birthday trip. My annual road trip home was awesome. I felt great! But it could be the things that I have been doing also. I was more active than my usual daily routine.

I was not really thinking about work but thinking about what I’m doing at that moment.

So maybe I just need to agree that it may be both. Work is stressing me out and I need to exercise.

Changes I need to make come the new year. So many changes that I need to make.

But in a way I guess that is the point that I keep stressing. Push yourself to be a better person. Push yourself to do better. Push yourself to find the greater you, the better you.

Maybe this midlife is really telling me that it is time. I have been comfortable with the life I live and with how things are in my life and who I am for far too long. I need to make that change, to push myself be better.

Just maybe.

* * *

2012.

The year of the apocalypse. The year of the end.

Funny. How fitting if you think about it.

It’s been a bad year for me. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like it is the end of an era for me. The end of the phase of comfortableness. The end of my Odyssey years. The end of this grownup childhood of mine.

It is time for a new beginning.

It is time to start living.

* * *

2012.

The year of transition.

Looking back, it just seems that a lot has happened this year. Many firsts.

Thinking back to the very first day of the year, sitting at Volcano, doing whatever it is that I do, being interrupted by that crazy girl who was definitely high on something. It was just interesting as I was just sitting there starting a conversation with her.

I know I am definitely not as antisocial as I make myself out to be, that I am actually capable of holding a conversation, that I am a very interesting and charming person, well minus the charming part. I can definitely do whatever it is that I need to do to make friends and talk to people.

It just seems I did a lot of that this year. Still not as much in the grand scope of things, but I’m able to do it.

I do have to say, sitting there, listening to this crazy girl regaling her story to him and thinking the whole time how crazy this girl is, it was something that was easy.

Maybe I was just going off of the energy of how last year’s Holiday party went. A first for me where I didn’t need a social buffer. I was fine on my own.

In a way it was a very different start to a New Year. Craziness. Maybe it was something telling about the year to come, a high and crazy new year filled with highs and lows.

* * *

Highs.

In a way there were many firsts and highs to go along with the lows this year.

Finally went out with Ms. D on our own. Asked her to lunch for DineLA and eventually we finally ended up watching a movie. Liberal Arts. Great movie by the way. Trying to feel it out but I don’t know. When it comes to her my judgment is always cloudy. I can never tell what it is that is happening. Such an enigma.

From emails to lunch to movie(s), and eventually to just off hours convos over text. Again, I can never tell what it is and I’m done. Enough is enough.

I’m done feeling this way. She knows how I feel and I don’t think it is working.

Time to move on.

Enough.

As I drift slowly away, my affections do what it does and it wanders and lingers and finds new infatuations and lusts and just obsessions and crushes. It always does. The story of my life.

From the Non-Alcoholic Virgin and our convos and what not to just other girls that I’ve met along the way.

With some girls it’s been very easy to move on as I see what it is that is going on around me. B5 was an easy one. But that one was more of the fact that she’s so young and deserves someone much younger than me. I’m happy that she may have found that someone….if it is actually happening.

Ultimately in the end, the lesson is for me to just act. To just do. It is simply to just ask and see what happens.

With these new connections there are some strained ones. It’s not a typical me year if I didn’t hurt any feelings or burn any bridges and it just seems that I just did that.

Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown him under the bus, but he was not holding up his part of the deal. He wasn’t doing what it is that he needed to do and it was affecting my work and fuck that.

I’m okay with it ’cause he needs to just grow up and start taking responsibility for what he needs to do.

Things with the old crush is in a way weird. From our small little make outs to just hanging out. In a way, I thought we might be able to go a little further and there might still be hope for that, but in the long run, I don’t see any of it happening. I don’t know, but I just don’t know.

Maybe she is the “education” that was fortuned out to me, but no.

Maybe I am just too picky and I need to stop doing that.

Just maybe.

* * *

Travels.

Like any year, traveling is always a must.

This year is no different as I traveled for both pleasure and for work.

Work brought me to Atlanta, Portland, Denver, and Dallas this year. Two new cities and two old familiars. In each I got to explore, to set my feet wandering, to do what it does best, go forth and explore.

All of these trips were great strictly for those reasons. The exploring. The sightseeing. The just being and doing. I get my work done and just go out and play. That’s the point. I get my work done.

My personal trips were great as well.

It started with my yearly bday trip. This year I thought of revisiting the Grand Canyon again and I did just that. I spent a few more days to explore other parts of Arizona and it was totally worth it. It was definitely a birthday trip to remember. The drive back was just simply amazing. Passing through Sedona and seeing the utter beauty of the city and the landscapes. I’m just glad that I got a chance to see it, to witness it and seeing all of the different little monuments and sights along the way.

Pickles seemed to enjoyed his time on the road too, grant it that his poor paws were sore from all the hiking that we did. We did 20 miles the first day at the Grand Canyon. Walking to the almost end. Simply amazing.

The next trip is my usual road trip pilgrimage home and I did a little extra as I stopped by and visited family along the way. From visiting Gifu and Sister in Fresno, to stopping by the bay area, exploring San Francisco with Pickles to seeing my cousin and Big Auntie. Everyone was so accommodating for the both of us. I am truly blessed to have such a great family.

Then the trip just happened. I’ve explored places that I never explored before even though I grew up there. I had my little walkabouts and hiking trips.

Lake Serene and Lake Crescent. Just in awe by the beauty of the Northwest.

I got to spend a lot of time with my younger cousins, bonding with them, taking an active interest in their lives, hearing how they have just fit in perfectly in the American way. I still remember the first day I’ve met them 10 years ago. All of them are huddled together on the sofa watching TV.

It’s just a wonder to see them grow up. It’s nice.

Traveling. Road trips.

Definite musts in my life.

Definite. No doubts.

* * *

Creative.

This year has been tough for me on this front. I took a break from my usual screenwriting and decided to write more prose.

I had many friends just give me writing prompts to do and I did a few and I still have many outstanding.

My main problem this year has been this lack of focus on my part. I couldn’t think. My mind just wanders. Focus was lacking. I blamed the midlife and it could be it.

But of the ones I did finish. Many of them I enjoyed. Some I thought were good and others weren’t as much, but I did finish.

I’m still a little apathetic with the script that I am collaborating on, but that is just me. Collaborating isn’t my cup of tea and I’ve been totally slacking on it. Hopefully things will change.

I also did the 48 Hour Film Project this year.

It was definitely something exciting. I had a lot of fun doing it. I never worked so hard on something creative before. I never worked so hard with so many people before. It was fun and I’m glad I did it.

Definitely.

We didn’t win anything and that is unfortunately, but I made it. I shot a film in 48 hours. Hopefully the next time we do it, if we ever do, it’ll be something better.

* * *

2012

Expanding the mind.

I feel a little ambivalent with this this past year.

Though I beat my GoodReads book challenge and read over my allotted 50 books this year (albeit I listened to many of them and read one or two short stories and comic books that counted towards it) but I over did it and that should count for something. I still have a few more days left to cram in a few more books.

I feel good. I read many good books this year and John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars definitely is my favorite of the year, but there were many others. Gone Girl is definitely on that favorites list too.

Along with this much reading, it took away time away from writing.

My photography didn’t go anywhere this year. Maybe I am just bored, even though I got a brand new nifty camera, but maybe I was just burned out. Hopefully the new year and the new 365 project will bring forth new inspiration.

I did some of my usual stuff on my trips and what not and many of them are actually good shots. Many new night photography of Seattle and a few photowalks with Photography Chick, but that’s it.

One thing that I did work on was more studio photography, especially studio portraits. I did some self-portraits and they turned out well. It is definitely something that I need to focus on.

Along with these comes the couch potato in me. I’ve been watching a lot of TV and now a lot of YouTube. Many of these are very interesting BookTube and some actual interesting stuff but others are just fluff, fails and wins of the internet.

They are definitely time suckers.

Hopefully I can come to a scheduled plan on how to handle things next year.

I still have no idea what I am going to do, but things need to change.

* * *

2012.

In a way it was no different from any year. Lots of traveling and different minor changes and just a general year of overall progress.

It is a year filled with ups and that dreaded down of that is my midlife.

But to think it over, if I take away that one big one, that dreaded midlife, 2012 has been a pretty good year. It’s been a great year.

But it isn’t me if I didn’t bitch about something.

It’s a year of growth and change. It’s a year of many firsts and hopefully a few lasts.

It’s a year to be remembered and reflected on.

2012 is drawing to a close and hopefully it will prepare me to the many new first and few lasts that are to come.

I having a feeling I forgot some things as I’m sure I have with my memory as I am getting older, but I’m sure things will come back to me like they always will.

So, with a bah humbug I bid you adieu 2012. I bid you a nice goodbye.

2013, bring it on.

Give me your bests.

Joy.

Maybe there is that sense of release that has come to me as of late.

It is just a feeling that just came recently, within the week…maybe. Maybe it has finally happened, the soft release of the heart.

Maybe it is done and done gone and gone as it should have been for a long time.

Maybe it is just time. It has to be and I think it is.

* * *

I’m just sitting here in this boba shop trying to come to terms with the words in my head. I’m trying to figure out how to come to terms with the things that are going on in my life, the things that pull me this way and that way.

Eventually I just come to realize that I just need to take that leap of faith and cut those ties, cut those strings so I can’t be pulled any which direction anymore. I just have to fly high, untethered, free of anything.

Free flying. Just flying free from anything that can tie me down, ground me into the lowness that I have been feeling for a bit.

I just need to stop.

Hopefully I finally did it.

Hopefully it is done and done.

Hopefully.

* * *

Picking up the pieces wherever they may fall. Picking up the chunks wherever they may plop.

I’m just picking things up and piecing them back together again.

* * *

Another day another start.

Another time, another feeling. Anotherness that I things are going to be whatever it is going to be.

Whatever happens will happen and I have the choice to act upon it the way that I choose to. Everything is within my power. I choose how I want to feel. I choose how I want to live my life.

Life is my choice.

I need to stop letting this proverbial destiny get in my way. It is time for fate to take a backseat to my active planning, my active living.

It is time to be active and to live and be. It is time.

* * *

We are coming to the final week of the world. The last week of all humanity’s existence.

The last week according to the Mayan calendar.

What will happen on that fateful day, the 21st? I don’t know, but if it does happen, what will I do?

I had this discussion with Ms. D a few years back. The end of the world scenario, a stray asteroid heading on a crash course for Earth, an ELE. What are you going to do?

Will I seek for a friend at the end of the world? Will I try to find the love of my life and declare my love for her at the final last minutes of everyone’s life just so I lived my life without having that final regret of never telling her?

I don’t know.

Life then would be general chaos. All infrastructure and civility will be down. Judging by any apocalyptic movies, the roads would be packed with people and cars trying to get out of the dying city; them hoping that they can just survive a little bit longer than everyone else.

No planes. No roads. Just back to the olden times of a man and his feet, walking to wherever his destination is.

What would I do?

If the phones and internet work, I’ll update a quick status, thanking eveyone, telling them I love them.

I’ll call mom and my brother just to talk to them one last time, to tell them that I love them. It’s all I can do. I can’t drive home nor fly. I can at least give them a call and hope that when the time comes for them, it’ll be without suffering.

Then what? I can’t go to the mountains with my dog to go hiking and spend the rest of my time up there, with the one thing in my life that I love. I’ll walk to the beach.

I love the beach, but it’s just always too crowded for me. I’ll just walk and sit, listening to the waves crashing onto the sandy beach like any other day. I would just sit and watch the world waste away.

I’ll let my dog run wild chasing the birds, getting his little paws wet in the salty ocean. He would have fun and I would be happy just watching him.

That’s all I can do.

It’s the apocalypse after all.

* * *

But will the apocalypse actually happen? I really don’t think so.

Life will go on as it will always definitely will. Time will tick its steady tock, marching along without missing a beat.

If there is no one alive to keep track of time, does time still march on?

It definitely will.

* * *

It is approaching that time again as I noted before.

It’ll be that time when I collect my thoughts and think about the year that had transpired.

This year hasn’t been the easiest year for me. This year most definitely hasn’t been a good year, but there were many great things that happened during the year; midlife-crisis be damned.

Hopefully, just hopefully I’ll be able to collect my thoughts and capture the essence of this past year and how it made me feel.

I know that if I look back at what I have written in this empty void of mine, it’ll just be wandering listless lost ramblings of a man who can’t bring forth any focus to his writings, who can’t think of the proper words to say.

Looking back now, thinking back, I don’t really remember what it is that happened this year. This year, like most years went by in a blur.

All that I remember is the impending feeling that something is off. That urge that I need to change my life. That definite push that I need to finally act and grow up and make a decision as to what I want.

That was the theme this year. That I am tired and I need to stop being indecisive and I just need to push on, make a decision and move forward with my life.

It was a year of everything rebelling. My body. My mind.

All was screaming to focus, to get energy to just work and plow ahead and just live.

It has been stagnate for too long. It is tired of waiting, of hoping for things to just happen and I am the reason that things aren’t happening.

I am just holding myself back; afraid to tap into my full potential, to be the man that I know I can be.

What is it that is holding me back? Not living up to those expectations that people have of me? Not reaching that full potential, or reaching it realizing that it is nowhere close to what people thought it would be?

It could be. That was how it was with my parent’s expectations of me, always wanting me to do better, do great and when I do, it is never enough.

It was that debilitating pressures, though slight, that affected me so much in high school. Is the same thing happening again?

It could be. Even though my father is gone and my mom is happy to know that I am alive and sees what kind of man I am, I am still living up to the expectations of myself in my own head.

It’s a sick game, never being happy with what I have, and always expecting something more something better when all I have is good enough for most everyone in the world.

What is wrong with me?

It’s a sickness for sure.

Moving on.

Growing up.

* * *

Stories.

Thought movies.

I need to get on them since I have so many assignments outstanding.

I need to get back to the creative spirit that I am so unfamiliar with nowadays.

I need to get those juices boiling, that drive to create, to put words onto paper to make a something that can move me.

I need to do it.

Writings.

Stories.

I need to sit down and focus so I can work on other things.

I need projects. I need distractions.

* * *

Lin came into the shop a few minutes late; walking with the little gait that one gets when they are trying to rush but not full out run to get to where they needed to get to. She came bustling in glancing at the clock on the wall, ten minutes late.

The other girls didn’t seem to mind as the day was just beginning and I was the only customer in here and I was already taken care of.

I’ve known Lin for a while now, ever since she started to work here about two years ago as I have been coming here for the past seven years doing whatever it is that I do here. It would seem that ever weekend morning I would come into the shop and she’ll be right there behind the register ready to take my order. Now it had gotten to the point where she already had my drink ready to go before I get into the store.

I’m a regular and she remembered. She would give me a small discount also. It isn’t much, but it is the thought that counts.

It’s not just her thoughtfulness that had her burned into my mind. The fact that she’s cute helped also.

She speaks softly, a little shy as she’s insecure about her poor English, but it doesn’t bother me. I’d try and get a conversation started but it always fail and we’ll just end up saying our Hi’s and Goodbyes and just call it a day.

There’s not much I know about her. I think I saw her boyfriend a long time ago and I have no idea whether they are still an item are not. He was your typical Hong Kongnese or Taiwanese stylish hipster with the wild hair and wild attire.

That is something that I could never be for I am just too classical American to be so flashy.

Maybe I am just selling myself short and that there might something there. Maybe just a little inkling hence the small discount and the even shy interactions.

She worked behind the counter with a quiet disposition. Lin would take whatever orders and make whatever drinks that are ordered and did her best to be friendly given that some of these customers aren’t so friendly.

I wonder from time to time what her story might be. I try to piece together a backstory for her, trying to figure out what her motivation is, her drive, her ambitions but nothing comes to fruition. Anything that I would think of would only be just a fantasy of me trying to fit her into a nice tiny little box.

Maybe that is all I need to do, put her in a nice tiny little box.

* * *

The tiny box.

Young and innocent with the bright eyed naiveté of someone who wants to see the world. Everything is a wonder for her. Everything.

She grew up not with the privileges that many of us are accustomed to. Lin, like many who is working here grew up in a middle-class family from Taiwan. Her middle-class parents works hard in whatever it is that they do providing her Lin and her little sister and for the most part, growing up and for her parents that is enough. That is the lifestyle that many strive for and can never have, but she does, but like many others, Lin wanted more.

As she graduated the equivalent of High School in Taiwan she wanted a change, to break away from the mold that she’s so familiar with. She decided to study abroad. She applied for a student visa and came down to the culture shock that is sunny Los Angeles.

Here she’s going to the local small college and got the first job that she can get. Most of her paperwork is in order but not all, so her options are limited. She can only get this, paid under the table. She doesn’t mind.

The owner speaks Mandarin and so does she, so there’s that familiarity that she can deal with.

She’ll schedule her work schedule around her school schedule and often times picking up the late night shift just to make enough money to make ends meet. Working here she made a few friends with the other girls that work here, often times hanging out with them.

Soon she feels that she has a place here, going out with this new family that she’s made on her own and eventually meeting someone that can make her smile and laugh.

Eventually her heart flutters with the life that she made for herself here. School is going well, the job is going well and the relationship, maybe is going well. Lin doesn’t want to leave this new life whenever she graduates or when her visa expires, whichever first.

But Lin tries to make the best of it, trying to not let the stress take her down. But sometimes it gets too much and it drains her breaking it down.

Soon all she wants to do is to sleep off the stress, unmotivated to go out. Her boyfriend gets on her case about that, telling her to stop, slow down and maybe quit her job and let him take care of her.

Lin couldn’t do that. Her parents are her heroes, each showing their love by providing and working hard to provide for their family. She wants to do that, to be able to provide, to be independent and be able to take care of herself.

The relationship is strained. Fights went from civil to nasty and Lin just had enough. She needed and escape and soon it’s over.

All she has left now was school, her friends that she made, and whatever hobbies that she does to destress.

That’s all that she can manage to keep the nasty thoughts and stress out of her mind.

Throughout everything she lost her wide-eyed naiveté that she had and a little of her innocence too. The troubles had rubbed away some of her shine and she just needed something to buff out some of the dullness to make her shine again.

Maybe her usual customer that comes in on the weekend is just the answer to her issues, she hopes. If only she can figure out how to speak to him, to be able to get over her insecurities and shyness.

It’s approaching that time of the year for me again. It’s that time of the year where I’ll take a break from everything and just write and jot down my thoughts about the year. It’s about that time when I need to just write down my diatribes and my yearly bah humbug.

It is approaching a time for a new year, a new life.

It is approaching the time for a much needed change.

It is time.

It has to be.

I need a change in my life, a drastic change in my life. It is a matter of needing something more, something different than this this I am living.

It is time.

* * *

Life is running away from me.

Life is just sprinting down the field without a destination and the finish line just seems further and further away. It’s unreachable and I’m tiring out.

I’m going to lose this race, if there is a purpose to this race at all.

What is the end goal?

What is the purpose of anything, if at all?

I’m an existentialist. This is life. It is just this.

There is nothing much to it. Live life the best you can. Live life the happiest that you can.

It is what you make of it. It is what it is. Just do it and shut up.

Just shut up and live it.

The control is in your hand. You just have to be positive. Say Yes.

YES.

That’ll be my new word. That’ll be my new attitude.

YES.

YES.

SI.

* * *

It’s cold.

The air conditioner beats down on me, freezing me down to the core.

I put up my hoodie to warm it. On and off. On and off.

The constant schizophrenia of the air conditioner is wreaking havoc on my focus, but I guess it is welcome distraction to this wandering mess of a blog anyway.

But I need to trudge on, need to focus to just pass the day away. I need an excuse just to be here, to write something that resembles what it is and to just have something that I don’t mind reading.

The last couple of things are just things of whatever. A mindless mindlessnes that I have no patience for. A mindless mindlessness that I just dish out because I needed something to write.

* * *

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do/ Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through.

I just need to man up and do what I got to do.

All signs point to the thing I dread and the thing that I already know.

I know what the answer is, but for some reason, I am just holding on to hope, thinking that it is just my general obliviousness that I can’t read her.

But I think I know better. I know what the truth is.

And the truth is, that she isn’t interested.

Maybe my body is just on a full on rejection of what I am doing, my plan of action to just wait things out while I can be out there, moving on, finding something else.

I have to do it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Just do it.

* * *

I think I have been holding on to this…this for far too long.

I should have just succumbed to my thoughts and my instincts that nothing is going to happen.

I should have just listened to the mutual mutual and just call it a day.

It would probably save me from going through the added stress and heartache that I have been going through for the past year or so.

It is time.

I should be time.

* * *

I need to commit. I need to follow through.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

I need to just do it. Cut it off. Cut her off.

Soon, she’ll just be a distant memory. Someone who I’ll speak with on the off chance that our paths cross and nothing more.

There’s no hope in this anymore. There’s no romantic notion that distance will make the heart grow fonder. It can’t happen on my part. It shouldn’t happen on her part.

I have to go on, living my life, moving in the proper direction, moving in the straight path to freedom, broken strings and all.

That’s the plan; the slow fade away. The disappearance. The gone gone of me.

I need to just focus on what it is that is important in this situation. My mental health. My mental stability.

I need a clearing instead of this confusing fogging that I have been living in for the past few years.

It has to go down like this.

I have to be done. Done done.

* * *

A memory wipe.

Maybe that is all I need, just a little electric shock that wipes away everything that I have ever felt for her. A little Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, a little wipe wipe.

Maybe that is just what anyone needs to do.

It is just to forget.

Forget these long feelings. Forget these heart pinings. Forget these little cute looks and whatever triumph I get that maybe be signs of interest.

That is just her doing what she does, and I am just too weak to fight off these little things, thinking that every little thing is significant, giving them meanings of absolute loving when they are just nothing more than normal actions from her that she gives to anyone.

I need to take her down from that pedestal, make her the ordinary girl that she is.

No one should deserve this kind of attention or place in my heart when she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

This is the sickness that I have been fighting for years. It is a chronic disease that I’m still trying to find a cure for. I fall and fall, no matter who it is.

* * *

It’s the chase.

It has to be, right?

How does it explain my trend of falling for girls that I have to chase, to woo, to try to change her mind. It seems to be always the case where the girl isn’t interested in me that way, the type of girl that I have to change her mind. It just seems that I have lost every game that I have played.

I love the chase, but I guess I’m just not a good player to get her to change her mind.

I guess I am just bad at this.

* * *

Maybe my heart is just a little confused as to what this whole love thing is about?

Maybe it just wants the girls that aren’t interested, and if so, that is just a sick sick thing and I need to find the medicine for it.

Or maybe I am just the hopeless romantic who just wants something that he can’t have?

That’s way too many maybes.

I just need something that makes sense, something solid that I can just look, analyze and fix.

I don’t think my mind is too fractured or my heart is too broken to be able to be able to find this longing happiness that I so dream about.

I am no different than any normal person.

* * *

The dull achiness pours its way up through my neck to the lower stem of brain, the back of my head.

The pain aches, not allowing me to do what it is that I need to do. All that is in my head is this pain.

Why?

What brought on this pain? It is psychological? Am I being the same as I have always been? Lingering on too long and going back on what I said I was going to do because there was some semblance of attention?

I don’t know. But I know I just need to stop. Look forward.

Everything. Think about the open possibilities.

* * *

Work on one self.

Work on me.

Do me.

I need to just regroup and refocus. Get past this whatever whatever that I am currently spiraling in. It is just killing me.

Pain.

Head.

Heart.

The lingering lost feeling is slowly creeping back on me.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it was back in the days of yore, but it’s there. I feel it. The nagging feeling of everything. Just everything.

What caused it this time?

Is it a girl?

Weather?

Or is it just happenstance? It was just time in my cycle of cycles.

* * *

Head blazing.

Not motivation.

I don’t see the darkness nor the light. It’s just that constant grey.

What is it that I want?

What is it that I need?

I need to be honest with myself. I need to be true to what it is that I want to get out of my life, my situation, my happenings.

I just need to figure shit out.

It used to be that this blog was a tool for me to facilitate my own therapy.

It has become that less and less. It is now more a forgone thought than anything else.

Keeping things inside, repressed, boiling and stewing.

The constant mental poison playing tricks in my head, pulling the heart strings and shaping my mood.

All that I feel is that emptiness of a life unfulfilled. All I feel is a life full of untapped potential.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is just this.

Can I survive this? Can I fight this tiring fight again and again?

I don’t think it is a question that needs to be answered. It is something that must be addressed. It is something that I must do.

I must fight.

I must do it.

Grow up.

Simple.

* * *

Midlife?

Another existential crisis?

Another quarter-life?

An identity crisis?

Whatever it is, I’m going through it.

2012 hasn’t been a very cooperative year for me. It has been a mental disaster for the most part.

There’s this sickness that is in me that is slowly and softly killing me from the inside.

It pulls at my sensitivity and sentiments. It pulls at my heart. It pulls at my soul.

And currently, now, here, in this moment, this second of my life, I am a prisoner of it.

How long is my sentence?

I’m just hoping for parole on good behavior. That’s all I can hope for right now.

If I even have that left…hope.

* * *

Creativity.

Gone.

It has sucked it dry.

It has sucked whatever motivation I had to create, to be different, to tap the tappity taps away from these fingers and mind of mine.

The outlet is gone. The forethought to put words together to string them into a coherent story is gone.

When will it come back?

When can I get back onto this horse of mine and just gallop away with my words and my writing and my learned love?

When?

Finger tappings. It’s been a long while since I have worked out the dexterity of my digits and I think it is time; time to get back to the working of it.

I would like to think that many things have happened in my life since then, many things that deserve the mentions that I usually do, but it just seems that I let those moments pass me by and become memories instead of my usual tappity words that I have come to do.

Well, hopefully I can just do a mind purge, and clear it out with whatever it is that I need to clear it out with. I just hope that I can just put words to page. Words to empty space.

* * *

Eating.

That is the goal this weekend. That is the plan this weekend. Hien is flying down and all we are going to do is to eat.

Eating.

Love.

I hope that we get some good food. That’s all I’m really hoping for. Good. Food.

* * *

Putting thoughts into words.

It just seems recently that I have no thoughts that I can put into words. I have things going on in my life, but at the same time, it seems like I don’t have much to say about them.

I have thoughts on Ms. D, or the new found Found Master, or even life in general.

Life. It goes on. My mantra.

It does. There’s nothing to it and it is up to you to keep up and make it what you will.

Things won’t always make you happy, but things won’t always make you sad. It is up to you to make it work for you.

Life.

Like the point in Take This Waltz, There will always be gaps in life. Don’t go crazy trying to fill it.

It is true.

To life. To gaps.

Just ride them out in the scrambler and maybe you can just enjoy the time, the song, the moment that you in and be happy, smiling and then eventually everything will just fade to black.

Just enjoy the moment. Just enjoy the time that you have. Don’t be afraid of the in between.

* * *

Cute.

Driving me crazy.

It just seems that you can always make me smile, give me that feeling of utterly ahhhhh that I just want to gobble you up.

Ahhh. You drive me crazy indeed.

What can I do? What should I do?

Maybe this all goes back to that little precipice that I am standing on, that little point where I need to make a decision that will change my life, which will move my life forward instead of this rut or gap that I am in.

Soon, I will have to do it and just live with whatever happens.

Soon.

I’m tired of this thing that I am in, this thing that I am feeling. I’m just tired.

So literal, my feelings are.

* * *

Words.

I’m just typing words now, for the sake of typing words, for filling up the clean white slate.

I’m afraid to leave things white and just so clean.

White pages just needs to be filled.

That’s the point of it.

But I think I’m just wasting time, not being able to focus on the things that I need to put down, the thoughts that I need to do, the words that I need to express.

So quiet in my new days.

Just. So. Quiet.

* * *

Here I am again at my usual usual doing my mind-wander in this weekend of Carmageddon II.

It seems no different than any other weekend, no different than any other Saturday.

The sun is out shining its warmth all on us and I’m inside freezing with my hoodie sipping my tea.

It’s been about a month in since my last entry and looking back at things, not much has changed in my life. Not much will. It is what it is.

I sure have been going to the chiropractor getting my adjustments, slowly getting fixed and I’m doing my little yoga in the morning, trying to give my body the extra push that it needs to survive, to live through this little life rut that I am experiencing.

My writing is going as I am stuck on a story that is due in about a week and a half.

Maybe it is just this that I just can’t do any writing here at the boba shop anymore. As Stephanie says, I maybe need a change of venue, a change of place to do what it is that I need to do.

Maybe. But I do realize that for a while now, I was never been able to do much creative writing here. It’s just mostly my mind tappings, which itself has been getting infrequent and lacking of content.

Maybe things will change. But I don’t know. Things are just so up in the air right now.

I just hope I survive 2012 and 2013 will bring on better things.

Maybe. Hopefully. Hoping.

* * *

Words.

Typing words.

My drug of choice.

I’ve been on a binge lately, book after book. Words after words. I’ve been immersing myself into these finely crafted stories of hurt and pain and redemption and it just moves me.

It drives me, wanting me to do better, touching my heart seeing all of the little fixes in me, the little helps in me that I need or can give. It just makes me want to grow up and be.

Be a better man, a better person. It just makes me want to BE.

A grown up. Mature. Just…something more.

There is something more to me. Everyone says that. I have the potential to be many things; I have the potential to just be a great person.

Maybe some people actually see me that way already. I know that I just have a lot more left in me to fix, but it’s been a long road and I’ve fixed so much and changed so much that it is a good thing, a great thing.

But there is more. There’s always more. Definitely. Always.

* * *

Words.

Here I am doing my usual mind thumping which I haven’t been doing for a while.

In its replacement, I was doing my little attempts at prose, my little stories which hasn’t come to much of anything at all, well recently anyway.

I am happy with most of my other attempts, the tree, the affair…I’m happy with them, but I’m stuck.

I’m thinking of something else, something sweet, something different. Something…happier I guess.

I see it in my head. The slow burn of a relationship that I am oblivious too, but there’s that familiar bond there between the two. The sweet sing songs of routine and formalities and gestures that everyone goes through in life that slowly transforms and transcends all routines and formalities and gestures and become something in its own. It becomes the soft sweet sincerity of life talks and words that actually mean what they mean and not the false hollow words that is routine.

Maybe this little push is what I need, this little kick in the ass energizing yoga and mind meld to bring me back to peace and piece; it is what I need to bring me back to focus.

My mind has been in turmoil of such; frustrations at work, frustrations at home, frustrations at life.

Maybes.

There are quite a bit of them lately.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to just cure my little addiction. Just maybe Liberal Arts is right, that I just need to maybe put down my books, my words, my drug of choice, and instead of experiencing and living my life through books I need to start living my life and experiencing outside…there…here…out in the real world, in life, around the masses.

Just maybe.

I can still love my drug, but maybe just not so much of it. Ration. Small quantities. Maybe. Just maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

Liberal Arts

There’s this particular scene in the movie that I’ve been thinking about lately, or that really stood out to me while I was watching it the other night. Great movie by the way. Watch it.

But it was when Elizabeth Olson’s character Libbie and Josh Radnor’s character Jesse meet up that one last time. It was their closure scene and Libbie apologizes about what happened between them.

She made a point, she feels that she’s so much older than everyone student around her, she feels like she’s a 40-year-old stuck inside a 19-year-old’s body and she just feel like she fits in. I can totally relate to her. Always.

I always never felt that I ever fit in with my peers. Not really much. Now, it is a little different, a little better, but still, never ever truly feel I fit in with them.

So, in the film, she feels that by having a relationship with Jesse, who’s 35, she feels that she can just finally get there, cheat and actually be comfortable and be herself with him. But she’s lying to herself, trying to take that short cut.

She has to go through the time, the life, the experiences to get there. There are no shortcuts in life.

She just has to go through it.

Life. It is what it is.

That really struck a chord with me ’cause it is so true. That’s how I see it and there is no escaping it.

So, I sit here, silently waiting, biding my time until I actually become that 70-year-old man that I know that is trapped inside this 33-year-old body of mine.

Eventually time will catch up and maybe by that time I will feel comfortable again, but mostly by that time, that age, I wouldn’t care anymore.

Life.

It’s funny and in a way, full of surprises, but…not really.

* * *

Romance. The Romantics. The Idealists.

They were all miserable lonely men who had a clear revelation of desire and romance that they were able to capture and put down into words.

But ultimately, they were lonely.

I’m one of those, or at least I would like to believe I am one. I’m a romantic. I’m an idealist. I believe in the notion, the idea of romance, love. All kinds of it. The butterfly in your stomach, heart fluttering, nervous anxious kind that one gets when they are near the person that just makes them do the gaga.

The kind that just softens you relaxes you and melts that ice cold heart of yours and bends that tight frown into the beautiful smile that you have; I believe in love.

Maybe it is my fault, I believe in these impossible perfections that life can’t live up to it, so I always and will always be disappointed in it.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Pedestal. The idea of love is there. The romance. The sing song heart of hearts. That feeling of can’t living without another person.

I never ever in my life felt it, but it’s there. That yearning to achieve it, to be able to say I have experienced it just the once. Is that way too much to ask for?

Maybe.

Maybe I just love the idea of her. Maybe I am putting her on that pedestal like I have with the other girls before her.

Beautiful. Smart. Funny and a little sassy to boot. A girl with a kind heart and a bit of character has my heart in knots.

Maybe it’s because we are so similar in our interests that I feel that we can be a nice fit together. But maybe that is just wrong and that we are too similar to be any good together.

Maybe I just need to be open to ideas of others, opposites and embrace girls that I would never ever in my mind think that we can be much of anything but a common enemy.

The Romantic in me can believe that. The Romantic in me can believe I can tame the arch nemesis and our love will blossom out of our competition. The Romantic in me can believe that I can fall for that girl that never saw me in that light before, always thinking of me as the friend and nothing more.

The Romantic in me believes in all possibilities, all silver linings, the happy endings that everyone know that they deserve.

The Romantic in me can believe in everything.

Overall, I’m just a sucker living his life as a joker, holding court making everyone laugh out of jest and disappointment because that’s who he is, and that is what he does.

I’m a sucker for romance and maybe…just maybe I’ll be able to capture it one day in the words that I am so addicted to, so that everyone can experience it with me.

I just hope that I don’t fall in with history and be the miserable lonely men as the others.

Just maybe.

Hopefully.