The trip was short. It was short for the amount of stuff that we did, but in a way, the trip was almost the right length. Not too long. Not too short. It was just, right.

It’s just a matter of the many different places that we visited and the amount of driving for the short amount of time. Lots of driving. From LA – San Diego, LA – Fresno, Fresno – Union City, which ended up as being home base for a few days.

Looking back, I think in a way one more day would have just been almost perfect. Didn’t have to feel rush to get back on Wednesday morning, not that it felt rushed at all, but I wouldn’t really mind having to spend that Wednesday just hanging out and not doing much, but we had a time schedule to meet and it was pretty good.

Overall, I didn’t have any problems with my bro or mom hanging out with me on this road trip. I really didn’t do much planning but the itinerary, which was made revolving around mom’s schedule and what she wanted to do. The most planning I did was for our Napa day, in terms of what time to leave, what we do for lunch and what wineries to explore before our dinner at the French Laundry.

That was my day. That was my one vacation day out of the bunch and it was actually pretty perfect.

I didn’t feel rushed to do anything. It was a relaxing day of tasting, sitting and chatting and then finally enjoying dinner.

I had a great time just hanging out with my family. I had a great time seeing how mom reacted to each tasting and the faces she’ll make. She’s not a wine drinker, but there are definitely some that she liked more than others. The same with my brother. I believe he has a finer palate than I do, in discerning the different tastes from the wine, whereas I am no such expert or snob. I drink. It goes down easy or it packs a punch.

I’m surprised that my bro managed to drink so much and not be that affected. I was doing really well also, but the wine headache did creep up on me during the ride home.

All in all, a great day.

Thinking back to all the trips that I have taken with my mom, it seems that I am glad that I’m able to bring so many firsts to her. I’m glad that my brother and I are able to give her so many firsts, in terms of Napa, in terms of just trying different foods and cuisines, in terms of exploring new and interesting places, countries. Sure she is a much more veteran world traveler than both my brother and me, but I’m glad that we are able to give her so much and be there to have to experience so much.

Most of it is because she is so adventurous and so easy going in many things. She doesn’t care what she does. She’s just there for the ride, riding along with us, being there with us. In a way, I wonder how much of her is a part of me? How much of that personality, that sense of adventure, that easy going nature/disposition that I got from her and how much I got from my dad. I wonder.

* * *

Food.

I think it is a custom that many eastern cultures lives or that of family revolves around food. It was just a week of eating. It just so happens that whenever I travel, whether alone, but especially with my mom and we are visiting family, it is just food. We eat.

We will refuse to go out or just be satisfied with eating leftovers or just say, we’re not hungry, we will eventually go out and eat. It is how it is done with my family.

Yeah, we have a problem.

But food. All in all, most of the food experiences were good ones, especially those that were my brother’s and my choice. Choices from family, not so much.

Maybe it is just our culture and how family spends time, at the dinner table. It’s how it was growing up for the most part, especially when there was family around, or maybe even why eastern cultures tend to server their food family style.

But yes, food.

The French Laundry.

It was for the most part, a once in a lifetime experience. The food was great. The service, amazing.

I think for the most part, I would want to go back in a different season to see what they have on their daily changing menu, like I would love to go back to Yamakase again in a different season to have different ingredients.

There were many standout dishes. Many. The asparagus pasta, the duck, the lamb. I was impressed with many of them and in the end, even though they were such small plates/servings, I was actually full.

It was a good experience and there were so many little gems and surprises throughout the night. Definitely want to do it again.

My bro stepped up and paid for it all, even though I told him to split it with me.

I would love to do another Napa trip again. Whether with friends, by myself, or even with family. I would love too. Only if it was a little closer.

* * *

I think the only problem I have on the trip is sometimes, family can get too much. There was just way too much family and their constant need to eat. It’ll be a slap in the face if we don’t eat out with them. They want to show us respect by taking us out, I understand that, I know that, but c’mon, we can only eat so much.

Blah. It was just a lot of food. Just a lot of food and there were times when I wasn’t even hungry, but still had to eat.

I love my family, but yeah, sometimes they are just too much and just too stubborn. I believe it is a Ho thing. I am stubborn too, and that is that. It’s something I have to really accept. Just annoying.

I know things would have been so different if it was just me traveling alone. But, it is what it is.

Hi Dad. What’s up, man?

Ha. You remember that? That’s what you would say to me whenever you would call me to check up.

I miss your phone calls. I miss talking to you. I do really miss you.

It’s been 10 years since you’ve been gone and you’ve have always been in my heart ever since that day.

I know looking back now that I really did take you for granted. I took mom for granted too and sometimes I feel that I still do. But I’m working on it.

So, what’s up?

10 years.

A lot had changed in these past 10 years. I have changed a lot in these 10 years.

I know that your death affected me so much and it still does. In a way, it kind of made me a better person, but in a way it made me afraid.

I don’t blame you. I really don’t. It’s just me. I’m just scared. I’m so scared of it happening again. There’s not much room in my heart anymore. It’s just so fragile.

There’s no more room for anyone new for me to love. I tried to find someone, but I don’t know whether it was me just sabotaging it or maybe it just didn’t work out because we just didn’t work out, but there’s a part of me that knows that your death had something to do with it.

I don’t think I can fully commit or fall just for the fear of losing someone again. I know it is all mental and it is all in my head, but I don’t think my heart is ready yet.

Like I told mom, it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I do. I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s just that what if? What if I do find this love and just totally be smitten and be in love with this dear girl and she gets snatched away. What if?

I know I shouldn’t be worried about what ifs, but the pain of losing someone, the thought of having to go through that again. I don’t think I can. Again, there’s not much room left in this tiny heart of mine.

Just enough for mom, Hien, and Pickles.

But maybe, one day, I’ll make the leap. I’ll take the chance again and not worry about the what ifs and just focus on the present, being in the moment, and just allow myself to love and to be loved.

One day.

10 years.

So much has changed.

I have changed so much since the last time I saw you. That Monday morning, I was packing my bags to leave and you were leaving for work. Those last words of take care.

The person that I am today is so much different from the kid that spoke to you on the phone as you called me to pass the time at the car dealership. You just bought mom her car and was just waiting for the paperwork to finish. That was our last conversation. That was the last time I heard your voice, your laugh.

I was such a different person back then. I was so shy and just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was so unsure about myself and who I was.

But look at me now.

I’m a different person. I’m a better person.

I think you would actually be proud of me today. I think you would be happy about who I am.

I’ve learned so many things without you. I had to be a better person without you here. I had no one to talk to about them.

I’ve seen so many new things and been to so many places. I think you would have liked them. I would always imagine you there with me, by my side, us experiencing these places together.

But you weren’t and that hurts me every time. It is out of my control and it is something that I have to deal with. The pain is a constant reminder of how much I love you and miss you.

I don’t know if I ever would want to not have that pain. It’ll always be a part of me. Always.

But I know I am never alone. Pickles would always be with me, by my side.

I think you would like him. He’s a cute dog, so nice and so sweet. He’s always down for a car ride and a road trip. He always have that adventurous spirit just like me.

He’s a lot like me.

There are times when I would bring him home and I would imagine him laying next to you, wanting your attention and you would play with him. I think he would love you too.

There’s so many things that you have missed. Just so many.

There will be so many things that you will not be a part of. You’re just not here.

But I guess that is something that I have to accept. That is something that I would have to just get over.

I just need to. I don’t think I can move on without it.

I know that I have grown up so much since you’ve been gone. I’ve become a man that you would definitely be proud of, but there’s a part of me that still hasn’t moved on yet.

There’s still a part of me that is all steeled up, afraid to let anyone in.

I know I’m only kidding myself with those earlier relationships. There was always something around my heart, protecting it. There is this icy cold shield that wouldn’t let anyone in.

I had to do it. It was protection. I couldn’t fully commit. I just couldn’t.

I need to now. I need to just let my heart go. I think it is time.

10 years.

Marriage. Kids. Other milestones that are left in my life, whether big or small. You will be missed.

But I know you want me to move on. I know you would want me to just go on and live my life.

I know you want the best for me.

I know that you love me.

It is time to release me.

I need to let go.

I know that it wasn’t my fault. I have and there’s still a part of me that still believes that it was my fault.

I do feel guilty.

But I know it happens. It just happened with no rhyme or reason. That is life.

I need to move on. I need to continue my life, live it with more conviction, with my whole heart in it. I need to live it without anything holding me back.

I need to let things go. It wasn’t my fault. You would want me to know that. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t.

I need to start a new phase in my life. It’s a brand new start. It’s a brand new life.

I’m going to be me, free from any ties and any weight.

Everything is lifted off my chest my shoulders. I am free to live.

I can breathe. I am free.

Thank you dad.

I miss you.

Love you.

I take a deep breath as I sit here at my usual usual trying to collect my thoughts and trying to figure out how to write this post. There’s a lot on my mind as of late. There are the server issues that this website is hosted on. It’s down. There are the changes that my one and only good friend here in Los Angeles is picking up and moving home on Sunday morning. And there’s the other thought that I just turned a new number.

I’m 34, 34, 34, 34. It’s that time again for the yearly ramblings of what being a new number means. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year.

I know I say this time and time again, but it is so true. Time flies. It figuratively coasts through everything that we do our lives and just disappears as it ticks away. Our life is just a bitch to time. We are bitches to time.

I’m 34.

* * *

What can I say about being 33? It was definitely a difficult age for me. I took a gander at something that I wrote last year during this time, an article that I linked to saying that 33 is the best age for men.

Looking back at how my year was, it wasn’t. It was a year of constant wondering what is happening with me. I touched upon it that it was my year of a mid-life crisis. It definitely was. There was something definitely wrong with me last year.

My body felt weird. My mind felt weird. I couldn’t focus on anything or get myself motivated to do anything at all. I was a bitch to this blahness that was me. A bitch bitch. I don’t like being a bitch.

I would like to think that things got better as the year ended and even in the last few months. I was able to focus and to write and to do some things, but there were times where I wasn’t able to and I still haven’t figured out why.

It wasn’t a total lost at least. There were some moments of being 33 that I can look back on and think, hey, I’m doing good. I’m happy. Everything is going to be all right. I feel normal. And there was moments like that. There were moments of brilliance and great ideas.

Moments of clarity in my writing. There were moments of discovery in my photography. There were just moments of feeling like a normal human being in my socialness. They were just in constant battle of the blaseness of this mid-life.

It wasn’t until last night when a cousin of mine posted something about gluten-sensitivity. Looking at the symptoms, I think I may have it! But then again, I am a hypochondriac, but it fits so well.

33.

It definitely was a year of trying and another year of finding my footing again. It was definitely a year of struggling to feel normal and getting ready for a big change. It was a year in transition. My year in transition.

* * *

There are a lot of things that are shaken up in my life right now. Many things that are beyond my control.

The Carters leaving. Work going the route that it is going and just the dynamics changing and drama at work. Many things just out of my control.

33.

It definitely was a year of itching and fighting the comfortable and getting ready for the change. In a way, many of these changes are a welcome change, to get me out of this rut that I am in.

Maybe with the Carters leaving, I actually do need to make an effort to make new friends. I’m better at socializing, so, in a way that’s a growing experience that has improved.

I am learning new skills that will be beneficial for me at work. Maybe I can just find something else and with the company losing the business, maybe it is just the ungentle push that I need to get the fuck out.

As I told Blair when I first got hired that I’ll give him 5 years, ’cause that was what I told my mom when I got this job about the possibility of me moving home. I told her to ask me again in 5 years and I’ll see how I feel.

33.

Changes.

Decisions.

Maybe it is a year of me bracing for the decisions that I need to make to propel me into the next phase in my life, whatever that maybe.

Maybe I just need to man up and meet new people and maybe get in a relationship? Maybe it is just me realizing that me pining away over Ms. D is a lost cause and I just need to MOVE THE FUCK ON.

Move the fuck on.

I can’t read her at all, when I can pick up on these other things with other people. With her, she’s a black hole of information. Nothing but questions.

Changes. Moving on.

* * *

Changes. Moving on.

New day, new motivation to write.

33.

Looking back, it didn’t seem like it was any different than any other age of my 30s. I socialized when I wanted to socialized. I picked up and left for vacation whenever I needed to go away. I took my yearly pilgrimage home and spent time with family, bonding more with my little cousins more than I ever had.

Looking back, it really wasn’t much different than any other year.

It just was a different feeling in terms of feeling. That feeling of being lost was rearing its ugly head. I call it my mid-life and in a way it is.

I just feel like I’m at a crossroads. I need to make changes in my life. There are things that I want in life that I’m no closer to actually achieving.

Having a family. Maybe possibly being with someone. I need to make a start relatively soon. I’m not getting any younger.

* * *

As much as I fear that there is going to be a point of no return in the way that I’ll be too old to get into anything, too old to be in a relationship or too old to start a family; there’s a large part of me that isn’t scared. There’s that optimism again.

It has stuck with me for a while now. It showed up unexpectedly out of the blue one day many years ago and it has never left. I wonder if it had always been in me. That I’ve always had it, but I never trusted it. I don’t know, but it’s a live and breathing.

No fear. I’m too fast too furious. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. That’s how someone described me when they see how I’m dealing with my whole work’s situation.

I’m whatever about it, no matter what happens.

I don’t know whether it is my optimism that things will always work out for me, or if it was something that I had learned and picked up through my years to not sweat the stuff that I have no control over.

If I lose my job, I lose my job. I can always find another. Many are worried and shitting bricks, but I don’t know, it is something that I’m not worried about.

I guess I had always been the type of person that just takes whatever comes my way and make the best of it. I’ve always been the type that sits and waits and figure things out. If there are times that I feel a need for a change, I’ll take action to make that change.

But then again, there are times when I feel the push for the change and I just wait and sit and sit until that urge goes away. But I think for the most part, with those, I just don’t have a clear understanding of what I want.

It isn’t’ until I understand what it is that I want that I’ll act. And unfortunately I’m the person that won’t know until he knows.

* * *

33.

A transitional year. A year of finding and understanding.

Changes.

Did I grow in the past year?

I know that I want to grow and better myself as a person every year. I want to learn something new about myself or just better myself and work on a fault of mine every year. Did I do that?

I don’t’ know.

I think I’m a little more social then I have ever been. Grant it I don’t think I’ve gone out as much as I had in other years, but I’ve always been the type of person that goes out with certain people. I have made new friends and manage to hang out with some people more than I ever had.

Maybe that is progress. I’m not afraid to just ask someone to hang out. Maybe this year will be different, piggy backing off of that. Maybe things will change on the social front. Who knows?

I know I need something. I know I need something more than this comfortable existence that I have made and chose for myself. It’s been a long long time coming and I think it just might be the time, the year for me to make that change.

34 will be the year of making decisions. It’ll be the year of big changes. It’ll be a year of new.

* * *

Maybe it is just that I need a new challenge.

Life has gotten comfortable. It has gotten predictable in terms of what I do. I go to work. I’ll go socialize from time to time, but I’ll go to work, come home and just relax. Nothing changes.

I don’t meet new people, ’cause I don’t really give myself an avenue to meet new people. I don’t like to socialize in crowds and there are quite a few people that I find it hard to talk with. Searching for things to talk about is like torture whereas there are others that conversation flows without any stress.

Should I throw myself in these challenging situations to see if I can navigate my way through it? Should I treat it as a game? Maybe I should look at things in a different way.

Maybe instead of looking at these social gathers, whenever I get a chance to go, as a chore of uncomfortableness, I should look at it as a game of people watching and as a social experiment or social observation.

Just go and people watch. Maybe I’ll meet new people. Maybe I’ll meet new friends. Maybe it is all just for the experience of life.

I don’t know. I just need a challenge.

34.

It seems like it’ll be a year of mystery. I genuinely have no idea what is in store for me.

* * *

Rumblings and ramblings.

I have lost my thought and any cohesion in this post a long time ago. Like many posts nowadays, it has lost its purpose.

I just type and type hoping that something good comes out of it. I just hope that my intentions come out in these posts. I just hope that in a way it captures how I feel.

I guess it succeeded in that 33 does feel like this post. Wandering and questioning, not sure of what it is. Thematic bursts of coherency litter the post like it did my life.

Change. Change. Change.

I’m another year older, another year wiser…just a little dazed and confused this time around.

I’m 34. 34. 34. 34.

Like any new number, I don’t know what it’ll bring me. I just hope that it is something interesting and worth going through.

So, 33, I bid you adieu.

34. Bring it.

A character eludes me. I’m not sure how to write his motivation and his emotions. What is he feeling?

I’m lost in trying to find his heart. He’s such an interesting character, basing it on someone that I know. I know him but not really, you know?

I just need to type things into this void as I figure out how to proceed.

* * *

It’s been a little over a month since I have written anything on here. I have been back from the northwest, doing my daily workity work things and time just passed.

I have been busy with some writing here and there and just, I don’t know, passing time I guess.

Life. What is happening?

All that is looming is my Naming Day which is a little under a month away. I’ll be another year older and another year wiser.

What is there to say about it? I don’t know.

I just know that there is a need to do something with my life now, something different than the normal things that I have been doing as of late. Just something, you know? Just something worthwhile, a change perhaps.

What is that change? I don’t know, but there is a possibility that it’ll be coming soon as the decision is about to be made. Our fate hangs on it and I genuinely have no idea how things are going to go.

* * *

10 Years.

Looking back, 10 years is such a long time. I have started this blog almost 10 years ago. Started it because I just needed an outlet to let my feelings out. It was a suggestion of a good friend of mine at the time, a friend that no longer is one.

It was good for me, to just get everything out, to just write things out. My feelings. My raw emotions were laid out on these little pages of mine, these little entries. Slowly, bit by bit, word by word I got better. Or at least I think I had gotten better.

I have changed so much in the past 10 years, but not much. It’s a weird thing to see that I have just become a better version of who I was. I’m still the soft sentimental kid with dreams and hopes. I’m still the kind hearted guy who is shy and so aloof about life and life.

I’m just a better version of that as some aversions just simply melted away and other things were brought to the forefront of who I am today.

Time passes and I’m fixed just enough to move onto the next thing of my life, whatever that maybe.

* * *

10 years.

It was a bumpy road. A road of trials and tribulations, an arduous journey of open wounds and scars. But it wouldn’t be a good life if you came out of it unscathed without battle scars. It makes a boring story.

How exciting is my life story? How has my life been to date? Again, I would love to believe that it has been an interesting one. I think for the most part people would look at me and find interest in figuring me out. What do I do? What do I like? What kind of person am I?

I’m sure many people that I have met or have just a passing relationship with at work wonder that about me. Everyone is curious about the guy that hums around at work; dropping in and out of people’s lives rescuing them from their computer ails and work problems

Sometimes these passing relationships grow into something more solid and substantial — something less passing and something more permanent.

I wonder how many people wonder about that. Why do I choose the particular people that I tend to gravitate towards and spend more than my normal in and out fix the problem schedule?

I’m an enigma, or I would like to think and I’m sure many people do find me strange and curious.

But all in all, I’m an open book. It just takes some time to get use to my prose. My prose isn’t graceful or poetic. It’s just different.

* * *

I need to be more proactive in this coming change.

I know I need to make a change. I know possibly what those changes can be. But I don’t know for sure that those are the changes that I need to make until I know that I need to make them.

It’s a weird thing that I have. I won’t know until i know.

I’m always thinking about these changes, I’m always analyzing my life and how to improve it. I know the things that I need to do; I just need to be sure of it and actually act upon it. It’s never easy.

What can be the change? Dating? Moving? Doing something new? Accepting what I have now and deal with it?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

You came around and knock me on the ground from the start. I have come full circle today. You put your arms around me and I’m home.

I can’t collect my thoughts. They don’t come as easily as they once did before.

It’s been the story of my blogging tippity tappity for a long while now. Some days I’ll be ago to go and go and go, but maybe it is just all environmental and I’m not as prolific as I am when I am in Los Angeles.

Maybe. I don’t know.

I belong with you / you belong with me / You my sweet heart.

It is boiling down to my last day up here for a while. These will be the last few hours I am back home.

I’m here, in my usual away from my usual typing away, collecting whatever thoughts that are streaming in my head and trying to figure out what to do when I get back home.

There are some big decisions to make, assuming that I follow through with them. Maybe I’ll eventually calm down and just think reasonably and not do anything at all; just let things play out and play it by ear then.

* * *

It’s the typical Pacific Northwest day today; overcast and cool. The gray paints the city with an ambivalence of noncommittance. The day, life, decisions can go either way. It can lean towards the positive or the negative.

The day isn’t going to commit. It is leaving everything up to the user. Life.

Staring out the window, collecting my thoughts, I see the slight glimmer of the things to come. It may be quite all right. Things have a habit of working out in the end. It’s just a matter of how patient you are.

Life is a test of one’s patience. Everyone plays the game, but not everyone make it.

How patient are you?

* * *

A Thousand Years

Family.

I’ll love them for a thousand years and for a thousand more.

I actually did enjoy my time with family this weekend, especially with all the kids running around and just sitting around shooting the shit with my cousins.

I’m sad that my brother didn’t join in, sitting there, a little bored, hesitant to join in or just didn’t want to. I don’t know. It’s family. He never had problems socializing with family before.

But overall, it was good.

It’s funny to hear the compliments that one of my cousin’s wife gave me. She, in different verbiage, said that I was the best looking “Ho” in the family and that I am single.

Everyone just seems like they want to set me up. It’s just a little funny, but I can understand. It is what it is.

Everyone wants to meddle.

Things are changing. I can feel it. I can just taste it. The anticipation is building up.

Maybe that is what last year was about, the inevitable changes that I am going to have to go through. I was getting too comfortable and life is going to change. I’m just preparing myself for it.

Things are changing.

Times are a changin’

It’s just a matter of waiting and seeing where things go, whether it is me sitting back and going with the flow or me just taking life by the reins and going with it.

* * *

It’s coming. Just a little under three months. It’s coming.

I don’t know how I am going to feel about it. I really can’t say.

I would like to think that the day would come and I’ll just not realize it; that life would just go on as usual, nothing on my mind but the day at hand.

But I don’t know.

I haven’t seen him in my dreams as of late. But I still think he’s around. He’s always there, influencing me in some way or another.

10 years. Whoosh. 10 years.

I’m back again. It’s the third day in a row at my usual away from home, Tolino.

I am doing something I haven’t done in a while. I am writing without the lyrical 1s and 0s that I am so use to blaring through my ears. I totally forgot my headphones today on the landing floor.

Blah. I wonder how good my writing will be today.

I’m going into it blind also, not knowing what it is that I want to say. Do I ever know what I want to say? It seems that recently, I really don’t.

* * *

Happy Chinese New Year’s. Happy New Year.

It’s the first today.

I went to the temple with my mom last night. We paid our respects to our ancestors and the buddhas and prayed and worshipped.

It was a little different than I thought it would be. Lots of chanting and waiting for that one first stick of joss. It was the first wish of the new year and whatever you wished for will come true.

While there I met a few of my mom’s friends. They are friends from work. And I met Judy (or it could be Julie, but I’m sticking with Judy), the friend who helps her with this worshipping and temple stuff.

She seems like a very very lovely and nice lady. I’m glad my mom has a good friend that can help her with this stuff.

Something interesting came out of it though. Judy brought up that she would love it if my mom would find someone to spend her time with, another man. Because we all can’t be alone for the rest of our lives. I’m sure my dad would want the same thing.

It’s going to be hard for my mom, but I don’t know, I think she should do it. I felt this way for a while now. I wouldn’t have any problem if my mom finds someone. I told Judy that I agree, that my mom should find someone.

But I can tell that my mom was very comfortable when this came up, especially when I was around.

Honestly I don’t know if she’ll do it or not. I know that she’s a very traditional woman when it comes to this type of thing, but I do hope that she’ll reconsider. That if a man does come into her life, that she won’t close the door. I just want her to be happy and if finding someone else does, I’ll be happy.

* * *

Snoring.

My brother snores…big time.

It’s loud.

I just hope that I don’t snore that loud. But I just don’t know. I need to record myself one night.

* * *

It’s quiet here today. I’m the only one sitting here in the shop along with the barista-slash-owner.

It’s Sunday. I am thinking that most people are at church today. Being there with their Lord, getting saved.

So, I’m sitting here, without my music typing away as some kind of spanish muzak music blares over the intercom.

It’s going to be a different day indeed. Something different, something new, yet familiar to start out the new year.

New Years.

I do wonder which one I truly accept as the beginning of the new year or can I keep it separate. It’s like my second chance to do New Year’s right.

I don’t’ know.

* * *

Not having music is definitely doing something to my writing vibe. I just really can’t get into it, or I am, I just don’t know what to write.

What is there for me to write about?

Hmmm…

* * *

I need to take a break from the thinking. I’m coming to a crossroads and I really don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to be forced to do something soon.

I need to step back and not think about it for a while. I need to really think through this decision and think about what it will actually mean, and what will come out of it.

I can’t rush this.

* * *

I have a few stories outstanding. I think I have about three or four that I need to actually do.

It’s not a matter of finding the time to do it, it is more a matter of not being lazy and just fucking doing it.

Hopefully I can just do it. Just do it.

They all seem simple enough.

* * *

BLAH. Just BLAH with my writing today.

I need music.

Or something to write about.

It was a late start today. My spotify wasn’t working properly after I upgraded it today. I had to uninstall it, but now I am ready to work out my fingers.

I don’t know what it is that I want to say. Today is Chinese New Year’s Eve. The celebration is tonight.

Well, what is there to say? I have no idea, but I need to buy some time, to just work things out, I guess.

Well, in a way, depending on how things go later in the month, there is a possibility that I might not have a job in the next few months. I told my mom this last night. Well, she already knows, but I just want to bring it up again. She said I should move back here, to Seattle.

I told her Chicago. I planted the seed. I love Chicago. Maybe it’ll work. A new start, a fresh start.

Of course my brother didn’t say anything but he had always known my love for Chicago. He usually never chimes in on anything like that.

But, whatever. The seed is planted. Now it is a matter of how real this is going to be. I don’t know.

* * *

Five years.

It’s been five years since I worked at my current job. I told the Blair that I would give him five years and it is now up. I told my mom at that time that I was going to give it five years.

Five years.

What am I going to do?

At that time it was more that I was going to move home if I didn’t find a new job and I’ll move home and start fresh. That’s what I told my mom, but if I didn’t find anything after a certain time I would move home. But I did find a job and here I am, five years later still working there.

Now, whether the company does fold or not, I am not sure, but there is that choice up in the air now.

Maybe the feeling last year was a nagging feeling that time is almost up and I need to decide what to do. I had to decide if I should just quit and move and do what it is that is planned for me next or just stay and continue on.

There is a feeling that I was kind of stagnant last year.

Fuck. The Mid-Life. That was horrible.

It was like I was lost again, at that crossroad and I had a decision to make.

Maybe it was just a precursor to get me to think about the next step. Whether I should stay in LA or not.

Carters are leaving in May. They are my oldest friends here in LA and they are the only friends that I see on a regular basis outside of work. Without them, what is there left to tie me to LA?

I really don’t know.

I have no relationship that I need to think about and stay for. I can basically live anywhere doing whatever I can find to do as long as I can pay the rent and feel a sense of security.

I don’t know what there is anymore.

I’m a nomad, moving from place to place. Just setting up enough roots to stay for a few years and then it is time for me to leave.

Is this it? Is this going to happen?

Well, the see is planted in my head and there is this nag that I need to make a change. Is this it?

I mean with all of the recent drama at work, I don’t know. The miscommunication between the freelancer and I and Yolo, I don’t know. It is just awkward and uncomfortable.

Fucking drama. If the freelancer would have just told me upfront instead of playing these little games, things would have been so much easier.

I don’t know much of anything anymore.

It’s been over ten years already. There were a lot of lessons and growing pains that I went through in those ten years. Maybe it is just time for me to face whatever new challenges that is out there for me to tackle to make me a better person.

I honestly don’t know much anymore.

I’m just living my life, bouncing from one moment to the next not really thinking about where I am going. I’m just going along with the ride and just seeing where I end up.

* * *

The ultimate question is, am I ready?

Am I finally ready to move back home?

What will happen if I do?

I’m sure I would see a lot more family when I do and that my family would definitely be a lot happier if I do. I would love to see them happy, but they all know I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness to make them happy.

I have to make the decision on my own and not be coerced.

Am I ready to leave all these ten years behind and just start new again?

Have things changed enough for me to move back home and be okay? I know there will be things that will happen, like me not living at home or anywhere that close to home. I will do my own thing and see my family when I want to see my family.

But other than that, I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

The decision is huge. It will impact my life greatly.

What am I to do?

What is there in California that is holding me there?

Well, there are lots of things. The weather (even though I gripe about the lack of seasons all the time). It has everything, diversity and culture and hiking and the beach and fun (even though I don’t do anything).

In a way, it has been my home for over 11 years. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to leave it. I have set up my new life there. I grew up here in the sense I grew into myself, this person I am today. I grew up there. My life, no matter how quiet it is, is there.

But like me having to leave after college to grow up, maybe it is just time for me to leave and just start a new phase somewhere else, whether it is in Seattle or in Chicago or Portland or somewhere else.

Maybe.

* * *

I say that a reason I would move up here is for all the hiking and the wilderness. Would I do it? Would I actually make use of it and just go and do it?

I don’t know. There’s a lot of hiking there in California, but do I do it? Do I spend my days out there blazing through the trails with Pickles? No, I just sit on my ass and doing whatever it is that I do.

Maybe I should just change how I live my life my priorities and my routines. Instead of going to the boba shop to do my writings, I should just be out there getting healthy, hiking, doing something active and that I love.

It would give Pickles a better life, a healthier life.

I don’t know anymore.

At a crossroads.

I have a decision to make.

* * *

Have this been in my head for a while now or did something recently just trigger it?

I know that I was happy last year up here not a care in the world and just traveling and exploring. But that was vacation; it wasn’t my daily grind, my life. Would it be different?

I would have to deal with the seasons, the lack of sun, and the rain.

How will that affect my mood? I don’t deal well with the lack of rain. That’s for damn sure.

Things to ponder.

These are definitely things for me to ponder and think about. I know I usually just do things on a whim, but this is big.

It’ll be life changing.

I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

* * *

Life is at a crossroads. The fork is up ahead and I need to make a decision and commit to it.

What to do? Left or right?

Think.

There is definitely something in the air for the past couple of weeks that is just driving me blah. BLAH.

Fucking drama. Work drama no less. I hate it when there is fucking work drama. I just can’t not be in it. BLAH.

It’s just a simple case of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions that is just ruining everything. I need to take this break to calm down and to just think things over. I need to talk to him to clear things out.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year’s again. Instead of spending it down with my LA family, I decided to fly up to spend it with my immediate family.

It has been 10 years since I’ve been back for Chinese New Year’s. Things were so different back then. Things were on a different level of happiness instead of this restored happiness with the lingering black hole what was my dad.

The last time I was up there, my dad was still alive. A few short months later, he passed away of a heart attack.

I don’t know if that was the reason why I never went back home for Chinese New Year’s or if flying back for Christmas is just easier. Well, considering where I work, flying back for Christmas was just easier.

But I guess it is time. Things need to move on. Life needs to just fulfill whatever path it is meant to fulfill and I can’t go on avoiding it for forever because of the fear that something like that might happen again or that those short final days are the lasts I have with my dad.

I’m packing up, getting ready to leave for the airport as he was getting ready to go off to work. He’s standing at the doorway to my then room and tells me to take care. It’s like he knows it’s his last time of seeing me and he just wants to say something more besides telling me to take care.

And I just say by and take care also. That’s all I can manage because I treated it as any other goodbye. It’s a not forever goodbye but an I’ll see you later, hopefully soon goodbye.

That was it. No hug, no contact. Just a simple exchange of words. That’s it.

Then a few months later, “poof”, he’s gone.

Back then I still feel regret for not doing something more. I thought I was cold and heartless; a non-loving son who can’t tell his dad that he loved him. No signs of emotions or even any affection.

I didn’t know any better. I just hated myself for my lack of anything that resembles loving my father on the outside. Those memories of bye and physical distance haunted me then as in a way it still does.

But I know better now. I didn’t know. I made a mistake, one that I sure do regret, but I didn’t know that he was going to just die of a heart attack a few months later.

If I had known, well, things would be different now, won’t they?

Life, it happens. I made the mistake of being our typical family of distance, emotional and physical.

Now, things are different. Hugs and I love yous are spewed on and off the phone.

I’m not making that mistake again with my mom. She and my brother are all I have left. She’s my only parent left.

* * *

Things are much better now. Things are different now.

The dynamics between my brother and I are still the same, the same awkward, I don’t know how to really talk to you about personal stuff, so let’s just not do it type of thing. Fuck, how I wish we can get past that, but I don’t know how to approach it.

Blah.

Man, it’s just been a really blah time for me as of late.

But overall, things are good.

* * *

In three months and two days, it will be 10 years since my father passed away.

Time had flown by so fast in these past 10 years. So fast and there’s so much that changed.

For the past few years, I had been dreading the coming of this. 10 years. 10 years without my father.

I think about all of the different things that he missed out on, all the different trips that I had taken without him. I think about him not being able to meet Pickles. I’m sure he would love him and dote on him.

He’s such a sweet dog, such a sweet kid.

But there’s no point in harping on that; on all of the missed moments and future joys that he’ll never be there to experience.

There’s no point.

I just have to believe that he’s always with me, guiding me whenever I have any doubts as to what to do. He’s there to see all the decisions I make and there are times where I do feel that there’s something or someone looking out for me, making sure I’m not doing anything fucking stupid.

I loved him deeply. I still do.

There will always be a whole in my heart and it is unfillable.

* * *

Cloud.

So, a few weeks ago while chatting online, Cloud said that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend. I’m not sure if her parents know if she’s seeing anyone or not, but it may seem that they have met the boy. My mom has met the boy apparently.

This should be interesting. I just can’t decide how I am going to go about it, whether I should be an ass and a jerk, or just be nice and polite to him, be accepting to him.

Most likely I’ll be me, which is a mixture of the two.

In a way, I just find it funny how well I’m bonding with her and her brothers and even their cousin. They are definitely a lot younger than I am. They are like my younger siblings, which I never had. I’m the youngest and my relationship with my brother was never like this. But then again, we are so close in age and we were just brought up differently where we just never talk like this, about anything personal.

For the most part, with these kids, I don’t give a fuck about them telling me anything. I just ask them questions. If they don’t want to answer, then they don’t. But I just ask. I don’t know why I can’t ever do that with my brother, but I don’t know. It’s just simpler with the kids.

It’s like I’m the cool older brother that they never had. They are all so close in age too.

Family. It’s times like these that it is nice to just be around family that you’ve grown up with, family that you’ve grown to love.

Looking back, I’ve known them for close to 11 years. They came over in 2002.

I think from the beginning, I tried to develop a bond and a relationship with them. From the very first day that I’ve met them.

It speaks a lot about my brother that their relationship is not like mine. It speaks a lot about his character that he doesn’t socialize much or with people.

But then again, though we grew up together, there’s a lot of different dynamics that shaped us into the people that we are today. There’s so much that I can pinpoint and cull some kind of explanation as to why I’m this way and why he’s that way.

But that’s all about psychology and even sociology.

But there are still a lot of things that I don’t know about him, about his life, ’cause I just simply don’t ask or he simply doesn’t volunteer.

So I can’t make many assumptions as to why he’s the way that he is, but I can guess to the root of it. Maybe he’s getting better in going out and socializing. I have no idea.

But I still see him as the quiet shy guy that I grew up knowing.

Words. Thoughts.

I just need to string them together as a tones and melodies stream endlessly thought my ears. I just need to focus and come to terms with what it is that I want to say.

I have been in this writing rut lately but I think I was able to pull out of it as of late. I just need to get back into this…this diatribe of words in this dear blog of mine.

It’s been almost a month since my last entry, the yearly yearly new year bah humbug to all entry.

And what do I think of 2013 so far? It’s not bad.

I’m just focusing on my photography projects to just change things up.

My people project is forcing me to interact with people that I normally wouldn’t interact with. It’s good. It’s good for me; practice of being a human being, of being social. Good practice.

The other is the 365, your typical a picture a day. It is what it is and there is a lot of overlap in some cases between these two projects, which I don’t mind.

I think I just need things to focus on and last year, my mind wasn’t in it. There was no focus.

Why? I’ve pondered this and sure it was my mid-life, but I’m sure there are a lot of other factors too. I just can’t pinpoint the complications of life.

* * *

I won’t give up on us / Even if the skies get rough…

Did I give up?

Maybe.

But don’t you think I have to? I have to. Time needs to move on. Time needs to change. It needs to just be done with.

The urgency and the need to be there isn’t as strong with me as it was. Whether it is noticeable or not, I’m not sure, but for damn sure, I’m doing my part.

I need to. I just do.

It’s not that my feelings for you have changed. It hasn’t. It’s still there, clawing to get out of everything that I have failed to notice before. I’m not as idealistic and romantic as I was with this notion of us anymore.

My eyes finally cleared as it usually does with time and I can honestly say that in the end it is for the best.

Moving on.

* * *

Signs.

It seems that I use to see them all the time, but not so much anymore. Now, it is a gut feeling that sometimes I heed and other times I just ignore.

Signs.

I miss them.

But looking back, maybe I was so lost back then that I needed to see things to point me in the right direction. Given where I am in my life — not so lost — maybe I don’t need to see signs anymore. I can trust what I need to do with my own decisions and my own guts and feelings.

Maybe that is how it works.

My days back in Washington over 10 years ago, trying to figure out what to do after college, everything pointed to California. Everything was California Dreaming and airplanes and Los Angeles.

Signs.

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind… I saw it and I am here, now.

Is it better? It’s hard to tell since there is only one life, this life and I made this choice to be here and here I am.

I can’t know what my life would have been if I decided to stay up there.

There are so many possibilities so many different things that could have gone so different to make me such a different person or even the same person that I am now. It’s so hard to tell, but there’s no point in harping on it. There’s no point at all.

Live a life in the past; live a life of regret.

The only thing that I can do and should do and am doing is to be here, now.

Here. Now.

* * *

Action.

Or in my case the lack of it.

I need to do it. I need to put myself out there, to get into the groove of dating again. Or at least try to put myself out there and see what happens.

No more pining. No more dreaming these unrealistic fantasies of how things should happen and how meet cute moments with cute girls and crushes should be.

Interesting side note, I read somewhere that crushes only technically last for about four months and anything longer than that is “love”.

Hmmmmm….Interesting indeed.

But yes. Out there. Be brave. Just be.

* * *

Blur.

It just seems like everything is a blur now. Memories and moments are gone. Life just passes me by especially when I stop and think about it and just do it.

I know that my life is still pretty fucking boring compared to many. I live a simple life. A very humble life (will at least I would like to think it is) and that is okay with me. I’m cool with it. I have no problem with it. It is how I roll.

But I don’t know when things started to be this way. Moments are just moments that slip away from my memory, only to be recalled with effort. IT isn’t the simple thing that I can do day in and day out on a whim anymore. It is a lot more difficult.

Maybe it is just things that aren’t that interesting enough for me to remember or maybe they are just life moments that I have experienced day in and day out that doesn’t deserve to be remembered.

Maybe.

There are a lot of maybes in my life. My life is full of maybes because for me, there are a lot of things that are uncertain.

I lived this life for a while now. Maybes. Things aren’t for sure, aren’t fact until they happen and I know for sure that this is how things are going to be. There is no certainty at all, even when you believe that there is.

Life is uncertain.

* * *

It’s a new year. It’s a new post.

I hope this year begins with a little bang to spice things up. Just a little something something to let me know that this year is going to be a little bit different from other years.’

Morning texts from cousins don’t count.

I need a little something, just something that is different.

The crazy girl that was definitely on something isn’t here today. But that was different and judging by how last year was, I hope not to repeat that incident again.

It’s been a tradition, but I will be spending the New Year at the Carter’s today with their southern New Year Tradition; fried chicken, black eyed peas, and collard greens. Yum. I can’t wait.

* * *

Resolutions. Do I have any?

It seems like I do try to make a few from year to year. I just don’t know whether I am actually successful or not.

In a way, I was last year by trimming down my visits to Ms. D, so that worked, but other than that, were there any others?

Of course, health is important so I need to start exercising. I think it might help with this constant fatigue feeling and the lack of focus that I have been experiencing this past year. It’s always good to be in shape, to not feel this little tingle in my chest, my heart; always fretting that I might bite the big one soon just like my old man.

Creating. I just need to. I just need to focus all on creating. New scripts. New shorts. New ideas. New pictures. I just want to be constantly creating. I just need to do. Stop fucking around and just do.

I have taken enough time off. I need to work my brain creatively again. I need to focus on The President’s Daughter and knock it out with Bradley. Just do it.

Get out more.

Maybe. That one is always tough given my introverted home body nature. But it is something that needs to be done.

Girls just don’t come knocking on guys’ doors anymore. Such a shame.

Three resolutions. Simple ones, well, except the get out more. But we’ll see.

Let’s just play this by ear and try to keep it a year of YES.

* * *

No.

It’s not going to be a year of no anymore. I’ll make an effort.

I still have a story to write with the premise of simply, No.

I owe someone a story and I think that will be the one that I will tackle next.

I need to be proactive on these stories, proactive on writing, proactive on these things.

No.

What to write?

It’ll come to me as most stories do, organically.

* * *

Smiles.

There are times when I think I have a knack for bringing out smiles.

Some people are easy because that is their disposition, sunny side up. Others are a little more difficult, because that is their disposition, Tard the grumpy cat.

Those are the ones I like. Those are the challenges I like to take on.

I know that they aren’t particular mad or angry, it’s just that is who they are.

So I pull and I tease. I joke and play.

Slowly with the skill of a surgeon, with craftwork, I tug a small crooked smile out of them. Then eventually things warm up, things just gets easier each time I see them and there it is. A smile that needs no coaxing. It is just there.

I should use this talent to my advantage. I should make it work for me.

* * *

Now it just seems I am typing words for the sake of typing words.

I am stringing them together to make a sentence, to make an insignificant thought together that has no bearing on anything that I am doing.

I am just wasting time, but in a way, I am not all at the same time.

It’s a skill that I have perfected; this brainstorm free writing of mine. It helps get these timid creative juices jumping and simmering, hopefully reaching a rolling boil which it hasn’t done in quite a long time.

Stories. I love stories and I think in a way, I have found my calling to make stories.

But first, I need to live to gather stories. It’s a work in progress.

Life.

* * *

Quiet.

It’s been a quiet morning today. More quiet than usual at the boba shop.

I’ve been here before where I had been the only customer that they had for the whole time I was here, but that was a long long time ago.

Today is no different than one of those days. There were only a handful and I’m the only one in here, typing away my life as the three girls do whatever chores they need to do behind the counter.

It’s a quiet and slow day in deed.

But in a way, it already seems that this year is shaping up to be something better than last year.

Already, driving from the energy and the sense of relief for the past few weeks, I am able to focus and write.

I’m able to make stories. I just hope that I can keep it up.

I need to be a man of conviction again. I need to do what I say I am going to do. It’s not that hard. I just need to be a man of my words.

I’ve been that for a while now. I just need to step up that game.

* * *

There’s a new girl today. Tall.

I don’t think I’ve seen her before. I thought she was Stank Face, but upon closer inspection she isn’t.

I wonder what her story is.

Actually, I wonder what all of their story is.

Everyone has a story and they are all interesting stories.

They might not be interesting to you in particular, but there will always be someone who thinks their story is interesting and it only needs one…just one person who thinks the story is interesting to make it interesting.

I just hope that my stories are worth writing, worth telling.

I just hope that my stories can make people feel love, anger, joy, and all the other emotions in their infinite spectrum that other authors are able to make me and millions of others feel.

I just hope that I can.

Hope.

It’s worth something.

Without hope, there is nothing.

* * *

My time here is winding down as I am just looking for something to pass the time. It is about time for me to just pack up and leave and just focus on the rest of my day, my month, and my year.

I am looking for a friendly distraction.

It is time.

To say goodbye for today.

Oh…Les Miserables….the movie and the musical. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Just LOVE.

There is not enough LOVE from me for it….

Just LOVE.