I think it is time.

It is time to do the thing that I should have done so long ago.

Goodbye.

Gone. Done.

No more.

It is time and it needs to be done.

These feelings will slowly boil down to a simmer and eventually, nothing will be there anymore.

It needs to happen, and in a way, it is slowly starting.

I can’t be someone’s backup; I can’t be someone’s plan b.

* * *

There is really nothing to say, nothing to do.

It just needs to be done. I’m tired. I am so tired of my old ways.

I need to do something different and I feel if I don’t start now, then it’ll never get done.

I must move on. I have to.

I can’t live this life anymore. It’s not really healthy at all.

This applies not just to Ms. D, but to B5 also and to anyone else.

Done.

* * *

Mid-life crisis.

Am I still going through it?

In a way, it does feel like it. It does feel like I still need a change from my current life, a definite push to change things up and make more grown up decisions and be more of a grown up.

It feels more than the clothes I wear, it is more about the things I do and the things that make me happy.

I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something there that makes me feel I need to change.

How am I going to do it? I don’t know.

Just slowly fade away into the ether and just keep to myself more so than I do now? Or do I just continue on this path of socializing?

From all the actions that I have done lately, all the things that I’ve been doing, it does definitely seem like I am going out more, socializing more, and hanging out with people more.

It’s a good thing. It’s a thing that I definitely need to do, go out, meet new people.

But what does that get me? New experiences? Maybe.

Maybe that is what my life needs right now.

New experiences. New challenges. New things to do and see to shape me into a better person, a more grown-up person. I don’t know, but it does make sense.
‘
Looking back, life is such a fickle thing. You spend a lot of time just trying to figure yourself out and when you think you got it all nailed down; you have to do it again.

I wonder what the root of everything is for me. Why am I the way I am?

In a way, I know. I deeply know for a fact why.

That is because I, in a way, wouldn’t mind finding love, or something that comes close to it.

But, should I want it, or should it just happen?

My constant yearning for it, searching for it, clinging for girls that I think are the right fit for me is leading me nowhere. It’s just causing me anxiety and confusion and everything that comes with this stupid thing called love and the ironic thing is that I have not yet, once, ever been in it.

Never.

But yet, I want it. I’m going all kinds of bat shit crazy for it.

Fucking Hollywood and their fairytale romances.

Fuck it all.

* * *

Tired and hung over, I trudge my way into the local boba shop. Jordan wanted some, and he was our DD. I just wanted to be home cuddled up in my blankets asleep and a quarter-till-noon is way too fucking early to be still up after a late night of partying.

Fucking Jordan and his fucking tapioca balls.

* * *

It’s not like I have a lot of thoughts swimming around my head, waiting for it to drown or to be flushed, purged, whatever it is to get out.

It’s not like I they are no more or no different than any other typical thoughts in my head, but they are just there.

I just don’t know how to deal with them, or should I even deal with them or even just let them hang.

I just don’t know what it is.

What is it that I want to purge? What is it that I don’t want to deal with or am afraid to deal with?

Is it what is going to happen with the Traveling ROTC whenever she gets back in to town?

Is it that I’m still doing what I told myself not to do any more with Ms. D ’cause I already know that it isn’t going to happen? I’m just fooling myself there.

I’m just going back to the old ways. Sure I don’t visit her as often as I use to do, but in a way, I am still in contact with her. I am still emailing her. Ultimately, I know what I need to do. I just need to drop it.

Drop it.

* * *

I should just focus on the things that matter, on the things that I have control with, on the things that are right here, now, in front of me.

I should just let whatever comes my way, come my way and I deal with it then. I’m always on the defensive and whenever I get a chance to do any offensive playing, I jump at the chance.

It seems that I have to punt every time. My drive will go and sometimes head to the red zone, but I’ll get stopped. I’ll fumble, throw an interception; either way, there’s a turnover and I lose possession.

Maybe I should just quit the game and find something else that I’m better at, another sport, another hobby, another livelihood.

I just need to.

I’m not getting younger and it just seems everyone is concerned with my “social” well-being. I need to be with someone. I need to have children. Or so they say.

* * *

It’s a quiet day today.

Or so it seems like it is a quiet day.

I don’t have much planned today. Stopping by the cemetery to pay my respects and then that is about it until tonight. I will be going to Seattle to do some night photography with Cloud tonight. I already scoped out some possible places to do that and that is about it.

Tomorrow is going to be a long hike, a big hike that should be pretty cool. Hopefully.

But other than that, my vacation will come to an end on a quiet Saturday and then bright and early on Sunday morning, I am gone gone gone; driving back down to sunny SoCal.

* * *

Lake Serene.

It was very tranquil. It is a little lake that is on top of this little small mountain that we had to hike up. It was a great ending to a difficult hike for out of shape people.

I went with the kids again, but this time Thien came along. She did not like the hike at all.

She was forced to hike up these mountain trails that are bad for your legs and knees. I don’t think she’s ever pushed herself to that level of physical exertion before.

She was cursing herself the whole time up. She hated the whole time she was hiking. She was almost on the verge of tears during the hike, but she sucked it up and held them in.

Up at the top, when we are resting. She cried. She couldn’t stop. The tears flowed and flowed. She cried.

Whether they were sad tears or happy tears, I don’t know.

I would like to think that they were happy tears. I would like to say that they were happy tears streaming from the joy of accomplishing something that was so difficult for her. The physical challenge of hiking up the mountain and the big payoff is the rest along the beautiful lake.

I would like to believe that and I will continue to believe that.

I think it was a great day for her. A great day of great accomplishments and battle scars.

It showed her that she can do things that she maybe believed that she can’t do. She just can’t give up.

I would like to believe that.

Happy tears.

* * *

My vacation is coming to an end. My vacation is winding down on this off day of resting and not doing much. It will be a day of being home and just being.

It will be the perfect day to end my vacation.

Looking back at this long long two weeks on the road, it has been the busiest vacation that I have done up here.

Last year’s was busy, but I don’t think it was as busy as this.

Both trips are so much alike, but so different at the same time.

I did a lot on this vacation and it felt like I’ve accomplished so much. These past two weeks went by in a blur and most of it I don’t even remember exactly what I did, but I did.

It started out with visiting Sister and Gifu in Fresno, spending the night there. They seem to be doing well. Gifu looks well, which is always a good thing.

Then the trip officially started with San Francisco. My whole goal was to bring Pickles to explore the city. He’s never been and now he had.

We walked along the piers all the way down to Fort Mason. It was a good long walk on a good slow day.

Then I had dinner at Big Aunties. She seems to be doing well and it seems that we’ll have another addition to our expanding family soon. I’m happy for them. For her. She’s wanted it for so long now and I’m glad that she will finally get it.

Then it was the uneventful drive up. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. Slow and easy…and thankfully because I started it from the bay area, much shorted than my trip tomorrow.

Sunday and Monday were just days of rest.

Monday was a day of tradition, meeting up with Lors for an Applebee’s happy hour and just basically catching up on all things that have been happening. It’s a good tradition that I hope to keep for a long time.

Tuesday morning was a beautiful beautiful drive down to Cannon Beach, OR down the 101. With that drive, I have officially been up along the coast from the 1 down in Los Angeles all the way up to Port Angeles on the 101.

The drive down was long and slow. I didn’t expect it to be that long and slow, but it was, but it was so worth it. Cannon Beach is so beautiful, but unfortunately it was a very very cold day that day. Pickles seemed to have enjoyed himself there, running free and chasing birds.

I know this has been a habit of Pickles that I’ve noticed during my drive up last year, but Pickles does like to chase birds. He likes to scare them into flight, especially pigeons and especially in San Francisco. It scared a few people, especially when he was barking. Believe me, his bark is scarier than his bite, which in a way is a good thing.

The trip down to Cannon Beach then to Portland practically took the whole day, but it was definitely worth it.

While in Portland, I tied Pickles up and he did his typical Houdini thing, escaping his bonds, but thankfully he didn’t get loose. Unfortunately, he destroyed property which I kind of half-assed fixed. I feel bad.

Wednesday was a day of business also. After an early early morning of trying to fix the screen door, I got a late start.

I went to visit the office, bringing Pickles along to meet the girls and then I was off to Multnomah Falls near Portland. It is such a beautiful waterfall. I can totally understand why it is always so crowded. If I had more time I would have done some more major hiking around the area. There seems to be so much to do in that forest area. It’s a hiker’s playground. The hike to the top wasn’t a bad hike at all. It was easy peasy as we got to the top and rested a bit before going down.

Next was city exploration in Downtown Portland. Overall it was all right on a hot and muggy day. I got to see some of the city, but not all of it. Good food though.

Overall, Oregon was a good trip. Of course I had to tie Pickles up again and this time he chewed through his harness. Fucker.

I drove back home that night. I was seriously think of spending the night and then on the drive up on Thursday morning go and visit Mt. St. Helens, but I didn’t. That’ll have to wait until next year. That’ll have to wait another time, and hopefully it’ll be worth it.

Thinking ahead and thinking about it, it seems that I might have to come up here one year without Pickles. In a way, that’s sad and unfortunate because I would love to have him with me all the time, especially hiking since we both love it so much, but there are so many great hikes I can’t do because there are no dogs allowed on these trails. I don’t have my usual gear and such, so in a way, it is so annoying.

But Thursday, I finally went and visited both Aunt and Uncle’s family, paying my respect and running and errand for mom. They took me to dinner.

Friday, I have no idea what I did, but I think it was another off day for me too, but I did have dinner with my brother that night and we did talk a bit.

Saturday was a day of rest since the next day we all went fishing.

Fishing was awesome. I actually had a great time fishing, catching our share and limit of sea bass and me hooking a few salmons. Unfortunately I was only able to catch one because all the other ones were wild.

We caught more than enough fish for a long time and thankfully I don’t live up here ’cause I’ll be eating fish forever. It was great bonding time in a way with my cousins that I grew up with, always tagging along, wanting to just do things with them. They are my brothers.

It seems like it’ll be another tradition that we are starting since they all want to do it again next year. I have no problem with that. Bring on the fishing.

Monday again was a day of rest. I was working on limited amount of sleep that day. I woke up tired, but that’s all right. I cooked some of the fish that night and it was great. The fish and chips were good, but they could have been crispier and the salmon was just cooked just right. A good sear and still medium in the center. Yummers. Nommers.

Tuesday was a day of quiet strolls. It was a day of scoping out photography places as I went to Seattle to explore. I went to get some Dick’s Drive In burger. It was all right, but I think i prefer in ‘n out better. But it was still good. I’m still thinking about the sauce that they have on the burger.

Then I went to check out Gas Work’s and Kerry Parks to scope out how the photography would be like. They both provide very beautiful views and are both interesting in their own right. I think I was more taken away by Kerry Park because of its small size. It’s small, like a strip down a block. Tiny.

Then Pickles and I went to walk along Alaska Way down by the piers and Pike’s Place Market and then grabbed dinner at Elliott’s Oyster House again. The Halibut…yummers.

Wednesday was a very short 8 mile hike with the kids at Lake Crescent. There’s only one place in the Olympic National Park area that allow dogs to hike and that’s where we went. It is such a beautiful place and they had such a beautiful bridge out in the middle of nowhere. The water…the water was a majestic royal blue. It was unbelievably clear and I still can’t get past the color. Unbelievably beautiful.

Along the way, on the drive there was some bonding time, me asking the kids questions about their lives. Why’d they broke up with their significant others and if they tried any drugs or what their favorite drinks were.

I like how they tell me stories about how they use me as an example to their parents. The boys got piercings which their mom isn’t too happy with. Their response: Cousin Phong did it! Too cute. Too funny.

It was a great bonding experience. I had fun.

Thursday was a day of rest too since I know that I had the day free. I went to visit the family at the cemetery. I brought Pickles with me and instead of keeping him in the car the whole time, I let him out near the end, to introduce him to everyone. He was good for the most part, but he was very very eager to go. Whether he sensed some unclean things that spooked him, I am not sure, but that was very very interesting. I hope my family liked him. I hope my dad and grandmother like him.

Then later that night, I was off again with the kids photographing Seattle. It was a beautiful night and the clouds really did add some drama to the photos. It was overall a great night, albeit a late night. I really liked the view at Gas Work’s. It was a great expansive view of Downtown Seattle. Kerry Park seeing the city lit up with their own illumination was great also, but it’s all about Gas Work’s, all the way.

Apparently Sinh got a speeding ticking driving home that night. Suck’s to be him. Glad in a way that it was just a traffic violation instead of something more horrific.

But it was another great bonding night with the kids. Van saw that I was driving up next to a car and checking out the girl inside and then it started. Me fucking with the boys about girls.

While at Gas Work’s, as we were leaving, we ran across a bunch of young girls. One of them, a short brunette said that she liked my dog. Sinh, as the girls were passing a distance off said in an audible voice: I like you!

Funny. So, that night, every time I see girls around their age, I’ll be like, check them out. Anyone there you like, blah blah blah.

This also continued during our hike at Lake Serene.

But the hike. The hike up there in those mountains was just great. All things considered, it was a great day for hiking. It was cool in the morning, but with our physical exertion, it was great to cool off, even as it got warmer as the day progressed.

The hike was flat and easy until we got to the fork and went up to see the Bridal Veil Falls. It was a nice waterfall. It was a short half-mile up, but with the elevation gain, it was a little difficult, but not really. Again, I felt bad for Thien who hated the hike, who wanted to die. But she manned up and saw the falls.

The hike down was quick and painless and then that was when the fun and pain began. The hike to the Lake Serene was a short 2 miles, so it says on the board. It felt like 5 as there was a very very high elevation gain. It was just up and up and up with man-made “stairs” along the way and many switchbacks. This is where Thien wanted to die, where she almost threw up.

But the end result was just a majestic beautiful little lake tucked up on the top of the mountain.

Throughout the whole hike, Pickles was a soldier, hiking on. He was in his element, always on the go. I actually did something I rarely do with him on hikes, I unleashed him and he was great. He would go ahead of me and sometimes would just wait for me to give him permission to continue on. It was cute. I love him.

The bonding continued with me and the kids. Me asking Cloud what kind of guys she likes, now white guys. Me asking the boys what they prefer, boobs or ass. Cute faces.

Kayla Ross – cute, which she is, and Minh is all over her.

I’ll start giving them shit whenever we see a girl on the hike. The Korean girls, especially the one with her man who just graduated UW. She’s cute, nice ass…and Sinh was being a creeper, trying to take pictures of her.

The fun and easily bribe-able Minh, jumping into the Lake for $10. I then kind of egged him on the second time ’cause he lost his bottle into the lake, littering. Not good. But he did a good thing. He rescued the bottle.

The hike down was easy and fast. Thien kept up with us for the most part, even though she kind of slid down the edge a bit. She survived.

During lunch, I asked her if it was a good hike, she hid her smile, smiling coyly and nodded her head, shrugging in affirmation. I think she’s just really proud that she did it and she is being modest.

I took the kids to lunch again after the hike and after that, we were done. We drove home on our separate ways.

Ahh..the vacation is winding down.

It was a busy busy vacation and it was a great vacation.

I’ll always remember it, hopefully in my mind and through the moments I captured digitally.

In a way, this has been kind of a tradition for me. My trips. My pilgrimage home.

These trips are what my life is about. These trips are what I work and work and work for. These little voyages and explorations around, seeing and experiencing, especially with the one I only love, my dog, Pickles.

That above was a horrible sentence, but I don’t care.

All in all, Epic Road Trip 2012 was, is a great success.

I just have to survive the long drive down tomorrow.

Next year, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I can tell you it is something that I definitely look forward too.

Bring it on.

My love is your love / Your love is mine…

It’s cloudy today. It’s a lot cooler today.

Today is a good day. The sun is out but not shining; blocked out by the thick layer of clouds that I grew up hating, but now deeply appreciate and miss.

I sit here today, writing my brain away.

I’m trying to figure out what to say, what to write, what to jot down and purge from my brain.

Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what should I do, and what can I do.

The Traveling ROTC was back in town and we met up for drinks.

What ultimately ended up happening was that we started to make out near her rental. I’m sure if I asked her, I could have taken her home. I’m sure.

Is this what I want?

What do I want?

Casual fling fling? Yes. If it is that, with her, bring it on. I just need something physical, we all do. If we are compatible that way, why not, right?

Relationship? Something deep and meaningful? Is she the one? I let her go and now she’s flying back? Is that what is happening?

I don’t know. I know in my heart of hearts, I don’t feel the same way about her as I did before; not like how it was in high school.

Things are different now. My heart is fleeting. My desires are fleeting.

It wants what it wants. It wants a relationship with Ms. D. It wants something with B5. But my heart doesn’t want anything with Traveling ROTC. It just doesn’t work that way.

For the life of me, I don’t know why.

Maybe it is her way to soft spoken-ness that I grew to hate. Maybe it just seems that she’s a bargain hunter, a lil’ tight on the cash, and I’m not like that at all.

I don’t know what it is, but there are some things that just don’t fly with me. I guess they are things that I can maybe deal with, but I don’t know; would I be happy with it?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear. I hope that I don’t lead her on into thinking this is something that it isn’t.

Who knows? Maybe my heart will revert back to what it was. Maybe something will happen and I’ll change and my heart will flutter its wings again.

Maybe.

I don’t know, but I need to play this out.

I’m not committing.

I guess we’ll see.

* * *

My first week of vacation is now officially over and the second week is starting.

Looking back at this past week and a few days of vacation, it has been very eventful. It has been days of exploring and seeing and experiencing new things.

There are times that I do feel that I would love to have someone next to me to experience things with, to slow me down, to help me take everything in, to just sit…in…the…moment…and just take everything in.

There were times when I was able to do that.

But there are times that I feel that I’m rushing because I have to worry about my schedule, my time, and sometimes I just have to worry about Pickles.

But for the most part, I am enjoying this road trip.

These trips are getting more and more packed with things to do, things to experience.

They are no more the times of just coming up here and not doing anything, sitting at home, alone, just waiting for Hien to get back, or just spending whatever time I can with Mom.

Ever since I started to drive up again, with Pickles, it gave me an out to go explore. To see more of the State that I grew up in but never got a chance to explore or see or experience.

It gave me a reason to fulfill my inner wanderlust heart, my child-at-heart soul lust of seeing and exploring and doing new and different things.

It gave me a reason to live and be active in my life, doing the things that I want to do.

Sure it can get expensive. Sure I’ve wasted money on things here and there that may or may not be worth it, but you know that’s life.

Isn’t this the reason why you make money for? Aren’t these the reasons why you save up money, so you can spend it on things that you like?

Sure I am still fiscally responsible, making sure that any bills and financial responsibilities are taken care of, but after that, any extra money that I have, I can spend on how I see fit.

Sure I’ll save when I can, but when I’m on vacation, I should be able to spend without a care. It’s my right. It is how it should be.

I’m 33 and I’m able to live my life how I see fit. I live my life in my own terms.

If I look back at it in 5 years’ time, 10 years’ time, 20 years’ time and I have any regrets; that is my fault. I have control over my life and I should do something about it.

I live my life to my terms to the fullest and I’m happy with it.

These past couple of road trips, and traveling trips. NO REGRETS.

This is what life is. This is what life should be about.

My happiness.

* * *

Bonding.

Question asking.

Had dinner last night with my brother and deciding not to have any of our typical dinners which we sit there and just eat and not talk much at all, I thought I’d try to ask questions and see where they go.

Ultimately, the end goal for me is to find out if he’s dating anyone.

The funny thing about him is that I find that he’s a lot like me. He’s very private, but he’s very honest. He’ll start talking and divulging things as long as you ask him.

I’m the same way. You have to ask me stuff if you want to find anything out about me. I guess I’m private that way.

I guess that’s why a lot of people at work sees me in a different way and never get the full picture of who I am.

But overall, dinner was a success. The food was excellent.

Lamb Shank. Nommers.

And I got to get to know my brother a little better. He loves mojitos because of the minty freshness.

He goes out to lunch with his coworkers from time to time. He’ll go to happy hour with them from time to time.

So, in a way, it’s not a lost cause that he’s just so holed up in his own little cave. He does go out. He does socialize.

He just needs to practice more, talk more, instead of being the shy timid guy that I see him as.

Asking these preliminary questions, getting him to open up, and I’m damn fucking sure the mojito helped a lot also.

Ultimate I asked and I got an answer and it isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is that people are trying to set him up and I think he should do it.

If he doesn’t want to find someone, fine. But go out, do it, enjoy it. It’ll be like practice for when he’s ready.

It’ll be something different, something challenging, forcing him to make mistakes and learn and grow as a person.

I didn’t get to be who I am without many many many failures.

I put myself in these social challenges, in these situations outside of my comfort zone and eventually I got here.

I think that is what he needs to do.

He’s not a bad guy. He’s smart. He can be funny and witty. He loves movies and is an avid reader. He just needs a little more confidence. He just needs a little more practice socializing.

He just needs to loosen up.

Alcohol!

That is key.

The libation that loosens the tongue. Libation to lower inhibitions.

But there’s hope.

Eventually, hopefully, he’ll come out of his shell, shed his wallflower ways and just be.

He needs to for damn sure stop mumbling something softly ’cause that is annoying the fuck out of me.

Pet peeve. Soft speakers.

Speak up!

Ultimately, it was a good dinner. It is a step in the right direction. It is a step where I want our relationship to be. For me to ask him anything and he’ll tell me and it works the other way. He can ask me anything; whether it is about my life, ask me for advice, ask me about anything and I will tell him and let him know.

I have no secrets.

People who know me know that.

You ask. I will tell.

I’m that simple.

It’s that time again where I’m writing from not home, but my self-proclaimed home away from home. I am here in the PNW, the place where I lay my proverbial hat to rest for the next two weeks. I am back, I am back.

Overall, so far, the trip has been well. I didn’t take the beautiful route back, but the more standard fair, but I did break it up a little.

I started at Fresno, then ended up in San Francisco and the Bay Area and now I am back home doing what I do best, sitting, hiking, eating.

Of course Pickles is with me too. That was one reason why I wanted to stop by San Francisco, besides visiting Big Auntie and her family, because I wanted to go exploring San Fran with Pickles. We ended up doing the same “trip” that I did with Hien a few years back, just walking along the piers.

Overall, I had a good time there and I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but this time, being able to explore more.

The drive north was uneventful as always, just your typical I5 driving.

But overall, I got two weeks and the first week for the most part has been all planned out.

101 down to Cannon Beach tomorrow and then Multanomah Falls in Portland and then on Wednesday will be Portland exploration day. Keep Portland Weird! I plan on it.

* * *

It’s been a long time since I have written anything in this dear ol’ friend of mine. A very long time; about two months. I think it is about time that I do it again.

It has just been a little busy since I’ve been able to get any blogging done. It’s just been a very long time since I was able to get any of my thoughts out.

It’s not like that there were anything spectacular that needed to be purge, but there were just things that I would like to jot down and out of my head. Just little things.

My travelings for work is done. Portland was the last office and that is finished. That was an over the weekend trip, so I wasn’t able to do any blogging.

Then there was the short story I had to write for the Ghofran and I finally finished that last week. Overall, I am pretty happy with what I came up with. I think it is good for someone who doesn’t write much prose.

I got some new prompts that I need to focus on. Will I be writing them over this trip? I don’t know, but they are there for me to do if I ever get bored.

Then there was the crazy weekend.

* * *

48 Hour Film Project.

Crazy weekend.

I’m glad that Scott suggested on doing this. I really am because I think that was the creative kick in the ass to get things going again. I think it was definitely needed to get me going through the creative laziness that I was going through. That funk wasn’t going away and having that project with such a short deadline definitely pushed me to create something that I can say that I definitely proud of.

It is definitely the best thing that Scott and I had done. Sure there are faults, but it’s the best thing that we’ve done.

Shouldn’t that be the thing, that each subsequent project that you do is better than the last? We learn something from each one that we do and I know what I need to do. I always known what I needed to do and that is to work with the actors more. To have a clearer vision in my head of what I wanted, especially from the actors.

Overall it was a fun, tiring, and sleepless adventure.

I didn’t write the script, but helped Scott streamline it, poking holes into it. He got sole writing credit, as he should. While he’s writing, as we finished discussing the structure of the script, from story and plot, I was contacting our principals with their roles and what I wanted from them. I contacted our makeup artists and our composer giving them specifics of what is to be expected on the script and what we wanted in terms of the score. It was a very very good process.

We finished writing the script Friday night at about 10:30 and sent it off to everyone. I didn’t get home from Scott’s until close to midnight and stayed up till 1AM dissecting the script, writing notes, and getting a clear idea of what I wanted from each shot and how it should be set up.

By 5 in the morning, I was up, from nerves, to anxiety, to just I couldn’t sleep. I finished the opening slate and got ready to go. I needed to go. I got to Scott’s about 7:30 and I got a text from the main actor. Overall, we had to drop him because he was in the emergency room and we can’t count on him. We thanked him in the end credits, but you know, fuck it.

The day of the shoot went fast. I was constantly moving, thinking, doing the shots. I had to cram a lot of stuff in on our short day. I was able to shoot with available light for the most part, which is great, but there was one scene that stumped me. I couldn’t figure out how to clock it and it shows in the final product. I’m sure if I had more time, it would have been shot differently and maybe a lot better, but I have to deal work with what I had.

The shoot wrapped about 5:30 and after cleaning up, we were on our way and got back to my place at about 6:30. As I was transferring footage to my computer and working on syncing the footage together with the audio, Scott finished up some paperwork and went and got me something to eat. I worked till 2:30 in the morning just syncing up audio. I couldn’t figure out an easier way to put the footage together but by making new sequences per shot. It was a slow slow arduous process, but it worked. I only had a 20 minute nap during that time at around 11pm. From 2:30 till about 6AM I was cutting a rough rough cut.

There was no color correction or sound mixing done. Just here is the footage of how the short is going to look like. I uploaded the file to YouTube for the composer to check out so he can start composing. At 6:30 I went to sleep and woke up at about 8AM, showering and taking Pickles for a walk.

When I was done, let the final edits and post begin. Working on color correction, sound correction, final edits, getting the music and editing it back in. Final final cut was done at 5PM and we started rendering. By 5:30, we were ready to go.

As I was moving the large 9gb file over to the usb drives, it was moving really slow, so I moved it to my external and moved it to Scott’s laptop and we were on our way. I had to reformat the drives for windows and the first one went well. The 2nd one, not so much. It was still formatted in OSX, so I had to find a Best Buy to pick one up.

All in all, we finished moving the movie over at 7pm and it was due at 7:30pm. We made it and turned it in at 7:10. We finished on time.

I was running on practically zero sleep, but it felt good. We were just sitting there, discussing everything, and having our drinks. It was good. It felt good.

So, that was last weekend and it was a crazy weekend that I’ll always remember.

That night, Sunday night, I stayed up late trying to render out a smaller file to upload to YouTube and my Google drive so our crew can take a look at it and download it for their reel.

The screening is this Thursday night, August 15th and I won’t be there.

Looking over the film, I see where the faults were. Where it can definitely be better, where I should edit and shot it a different way, but again, for the time constraint that we had, it turned out to be something that I am definitely proud of.

The look of it was how I imagined all my other shorts should turn out, but ended up being disappointed because of the Panasonic dvx100a’s lens capability. Now, there’s no excuse.

Shooting with the D800, and different glass, I can’t bitch about how the film was shot. I had the creative control there.

Will I do it again? I don’t know, but I definitely want to shoot more shorts. Maybe the musical next. Who knows? But it is definitely the creative push that I needed.

* * *

DineLA.

That is going to kill my bank account, but overall it was worth it.

During this time I was able to get some dinners in and a few lunches. One of them was with Ms. D and another was with B5.

I had a great time with both.

I’m torn between the two, but I do know it is just a matter of wishful thinking that they’ll reciprocate. B5 is so young that she shouldn’t be worming her way into my heart and I can easily let her go.

Ms. D. is an enigma, a tough shell that I need to learn how to crack. I also had a great time with her during the happy hour, talking about her trip.

Sigh.

Heart troubles and heart problems.

But it’ll pass and ultimately I’ll figure things out.

Here’s to hoping.

* * *

Oh, the Traveling ROTC, the Traveling ROTC. That’ll have to wait. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Till another day. Till another time.

There is was, my beloved, far off in the distance, fading away as I walked my way to the terminal. My eyes glisten over as I said goodbye again. Chicago. My beloved. Oh how I love thee.

There’s just something about that city that just gets my blood pumping every time that I am there. Every time I visit, I just felt like I belong. It is my city. It is an epitome of me. My life is Chicago.

The business trip to Dallas and Chicago was a very very long week. Days of Dallas felt like it was weeks and even months ago, but in reality it was just only days. Long hard days indeed.

But they were good days. They were great days as we got whatever work that we needed done done. We did it.

It was a good work week that took away whatever stress I was having in the office and got my mind on something else, something more present, the problem of upgrading everyone in these regional offices.

* * *

Dallas was the city of clean and proper. It was the city of heat and humidity. The mugginess killed me as I stepped out of the airport, hitting me with the icky ugh from the opening sliding doors.

But overall, I had a good time in the office. It definitely was the easiest office for all my travels so far. I got everything done in the first day for the most part, leaving only one user to set up on the second day. It was an easy office.

I got to meet some wonderful people…the Castillo who’ve I’ve been chatting with on the regular and then there’s the Chuck Waggoner. Cute and beautiful.

But with the people in Dallas, I never got the familiarity or that sense of instant deep lifelong bonding as I did with the girls in Chicago. There, I felt welcomed as part of their lives. There, I felt like I belonged.

Oh Chicago, my beloved, how I would love to move there, to set my roots there until another mid-life creeps up and I have another need for change.

* * *

Love.

My Beloved.

Chicago.

It started out with a lovely night out on my own after dinner. A nice brisk walk at night to the Pier, catching the fireworks show.

I was ready to go, to get things started bright and early in the morning.

Stressed was all I can say about my first day in Chicago. Stressed as I felt the day slip away from me as I still have 14 computers left to do and the day is already half over. It was about lunch time and I haven’t even imaged my first computer as I’m stressing to set up three people who already have their computers ready for them.

Stressed.

But we managed to power through. Dan got his shit and his network issues cleared up and I buckled down and tackled the imaging. It was a long day as I get out at 11:30 that night, but we got most everything done.

I finished about 20 minutes before it was time for Chicago’s 3pm happy hour. Just in time. I still have some etracking and minor issues to take care of, but things are done. That’s all I can say.

The work is done.

* * *

What to do, what to do?

So cute and adorable, pretty and funny with her sass and sass. What am I going to do?

Then there is Skittles who I can’t help check out while she’s on the go.

What is it about the ladies of Chicago that makes me not want to leave?

Walking the streets, I just never saw so many beautiful women walking the streets before. Unfortunately it is just because no one walks in Los Angeles/Santa Monica. They just aren’t walking cities. But Chicago, what can I say.

In a way it is where my heart yearns to be. Whether it is a genuine desire to move there or if it is just my heart playing tricks on me because it is something new and exciting, I don’t know, but in a way I do feel that if I am there, my life will definitely change in a way. Whether it is in the same trajectory that is happening now, I don’t know. It could come back and bite me in the ass.

There was a sense of distance from Skittles. Dan picked it up and I sensed something also. She’s wasn’t as chatty as she used to be, but a lot has happened since the last time we’ve seen each other. She wasn’t married then. Now, things are different.

Maybe she’s just distracted by the neck pain that she’s experiencing.

What am I going to do?

The adorableness is infectious, getting into my heart, worming its way. She’s just genuinely a great girl and I hope nothing but the best for her.

My playfulness just naturally comes out when I’m with the Submariner. There’s just something about her that makes me crazy. Blah.

I’m just in trouble as I really don’t know what I want. Besides, she’s off limits, done and done.

* * *

Might do another trip out there later in the year. Hien wants to go, so another weekend. I don’t care what we do ’cause just being there is enough for me.

So here’s to more fun and fun for me.

Fun and fun in my favorite city.

* * *

I need to stop drinking recklessly and start drinking smartly.

Nuff said.

The beats go on and on with each constant thump, a second dies.

My life goes on and on and it seems to be going in the right direction.

Dinner plans made. Lunch plans made. Outings and socializing. The constant movement of forwardness of life. My life is moving on the course that it should be. It is slowly moving towards wherever it is that it needs to go.

I am not holding it back in anyway. I stopped that a long time ago. I am taking whatever worldly cues that splash across my retinas and act upon them.

I am doing what it is that I need to do. Living.

* * *

My travels to the far off land of Hotlanta have been uneventful as I expected. Work and work. Done and done. Everything is done as expected with the little problems here and there popping up as expected.

With everything that I had to do, I really didn’t have much time to do and explore the city. It wasn’t a walking city per se (or I just went to the wrong area), to just go and explore, which I eventually did for one night. Overall, it wasn’t a bad little trip.

The next trip is coming up tomorrow, next week. Dallas. Chicago (my beloved). That’ll be the fun trip. That’ll be the trip to savor and explore and work and work. That’ll be the trip that will take this little stress of mine away.

I can’t wait.

I think it is more for the fact that I get to visit a city I never been to before. Dallas. Sure that I might not have much time to go exploring the city, but it is a new city none the less. A new land. A new place. A new point in my map of exploration. Something new and different.

Then there is Chicago. Ahh, what can I say. I love the city. Again, will move there if I can. Most definitely. It’ll be the longest stay between the two cities because there is much to do there, but it’ll be fun with the company, with the food, and just hopefully the exploration.

Can’t.

Wait.

* * *

Work.

Stressed.

Annoyed.

All in one. Stressed and annoyed isn’t a good combination for me. I don’t mind the work, and the work load, but the boring and long and long meetings. The overabundance of different projects that are open between Don and I, is just ridiculous. I love it, but I need to learn to do whatever it is that Don is doing, so I can handle it on my own. I need to, and these projects are great help, but the unrealistic deadlines and long pointless meetings aren’t great.

But hopefully that will change. Hopefully things will ease down and get better.

For once, I felt that time was slipping away from me. There wasn’t enough time in the day to do whatever it is that I need to do.

There just wasn’t.

But we’ll see after I get back.

Busy week.

Hell week.

Now it is over and I get to relax by a business trip of constant working. I find it funny what I think is relaxing.

* * *

Socializing.

My change.

My midlife crisis.

Slowly and surely, things are changing and shaping up. I’m listening to those extra little pushes to do whatever it is that I need to do to grow up and little bit more, to make the be the better man.

Slowly, but surely.

Midlife.

This week has been a little crazy. I pretty much had something to do for most of the nights out of the week. With the movie on Monday, to dinner with B5 on Tuesday, dinner with Tyra on Wednesday. Thursday was a break for me and last night. There was a part of me that I wanted to hang out with Ms. D last night, but she was busy. There was also lunch with Frenemie.

Socializing. Meeting people. Going out. Living.

Logical steps brought on by this feeling of stagnation. There’s a need for change in my life, my midlife, and I think all of this socializing is helping me a bit. It feels that I’m making progress, I’m doing something.

There’s still this fatigue feeling I get from time to time. I’m just tired. Body. Soul. But that is nothing a little rest can’t fix.

* * *

B5.

Dinner.

It was fun as we went to Sunny Spot. It is a very cute restaurant and the lamb. My. Fucking. God. The fucking lamb. Yummers.

Any who, it was a great dinner; great fun and great convo like all the other times that we hung out. Things just felt comfortable and flirting was very very easy.

I still don’t think she sees me that way, but I think deep down inside that she does in some way. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Could be.

There’s hope.

Maybe.

* * *

Tyra.

This was the first time that I actually hung out with her. The happy hours and stuff don’t really count as I never really talk to her at all.

But it was interesting and fun, nonetheless.

The fundamental thing that I got out of our dinner? I need to go out and start dating. Meeting new people. Get a girlfriend, and I got a little insight into Ms. D. It’s stuff that I already know, but it was still interesting nonetheless.

She’s looking into playing matchmaker with me. Funny.

And now she’s off gallivanting in Europe; Spain and France for a month. Jealous.

Sweet girl. Pretty girl.

To be young and just be able to go off and be somewhere for a month. To be young.

Frenemie has the same aspirations. To just go and fly off and live and work in these far off lands. She should totally do it. Young, no responsibilities. Just do it.

If I was in her shoes that would definitely be something that I would do. But of course, if I am the person that I am now.

Sigh.

To be young.

* * *

Eye contact.

It seems to be happening a lot lately.

My eyes wander as I take in my scenery, the world around me.

That means, I’m looking at everything, chairs, tables, litter, people, and from time I’ll make eye contact with people.

But with the eye contact, once it has been established, I generally would just look away, continuing to take in my surroundings and eventually would go back to looking to things that I have already seen chairs, tables, litter, people.

While I was in Atlanta, exploring downtown, doing my photowalk like I usually do, I had my headphones on and just walk and walked.

I was walking down the street and noticed a group of people and in this group, there is only one girl.

I would go and look and see the girl and made eye contact with her. Then my eyes would wander again to other things. Taking in my surroundings. But through my peripheral I still see that the girl is looking at me. My eyes wander back again and we make eye contact again. This happened a few more times as I pass, our eyes lock again. Her eyes never left mine as she is half trying to listen to one of the guys in her group while she was staring at me.

What does that mean?

Same thing happened on the airplane.

Was there something on my face? I have no clue.

Is it a matter that she’s interested or is it something else?

Blah. Confusing.

* * *

Ms. D.

Tanner.

Still fucking confusing.

No fucking clue.

I don’t think anything is ever going to change there.

I know I keep telling myself that it is just time to just move on, but I have no idea.

Blah.

Blah indeed.

Slow and slow, my life makes its adjustment.

Taking on a new task, taking on a new change, taking on a new challenge.

Slowly but surely, adjustments are being made.

Not sure how it will all turn out but in a way, I am definitely interested to see where things will end up with this new found challenge.

* * *

Off to stranger lands that once was familiar.

I am on the road again, or in the air this time. Not for the fun fun travels that I am use to, but now for the workie work that I have to do.

I always look forward to these travels as I get to go to cities I normally wouldn’t get to visit because they are usually never on my radar.

Atlanta, Chicago (my beloved), Dallas, and then Portland.

But my summer seems full of these adventures of work and work and I can’t wait for them. They’ll make my year fly by faster than it already has. It’ll be another blink and I’ll be doing another bah humbug and even maybe another another year older, another year wiser.

Time is flying by and all I can do is just hold on by the seat of my pants and go wherever it is willing to take me.

Life. It’s not in my hands, but that of a beating constant. Time.

* * *

As I’m sitting here, the cool artificial breeze blowing down on me, I try to type my life away. I try to ignore my surroundings and the cute girls that are around me and focus on my usual tip tap typing of taps.

But I can’t. I just can’t as my focus isn’t what it used to be.

So I sit and try, but I always fail as someone new comes in, someone cute comes in.

I take a gander, another look at my surroundings, but I can’t just focus.

The cold air blows, chilling me to the bone.

It takes me away, distracting me from the thing that I really need to do. It kills this usual urge to type and type things out. It freezes my creativity, the juices of inspiration, of creativity just sits there until it is thawed. But it never will be. Not here. Not anytime soon.

* * *

The Nurse isn’t here today.

Her test was on Monday. Done and done. There is no need for her to come in and study anymore.

She’s done with the studying, possibly done with the school year.

She’s out there enjoying this beautiful day, enjoying the sun like any normal person would.

That is something that I should do, but I’m not normal.

The Nurse is probably still in bed, sleeping in on the weekend for once. No need to get up early and get ready to go studying.

Later she’ll enjoy a late lunch and then make her way to the beach, getting some sun.

Once it gets a bit chilly, she’ll head home to take a nap before she goes out clubbing in celebration of finals being over. It’ll be her last weekend here before she goes back to wherever she came from.

NoCal? Bay Area? Or somewhere else. Who knows.

She’s just a mystery to me, someone I met in passing and shared a moment or two.

* * *

Routine.

I live it. Tis is my life, but this routine that I have fallen into now is not the routine that I am comfortable with.

It is not the routine that creates the finger tappings that I have grown accustomed to and have fallen in love with. It is a shadow of it; a light fading shadow.

I miss it. I miss the times where I’m able to come here and just plug in and forget everything and just type away.

My thoughts flow with the assuredness of the Nile or the Amazon. It flowed because it must.

Now, it is a standstill of murky water; unclear as to what it is that it wants to be; unsure about how to get back to where it once was.

Lost without any motivation or direction. Even the laws of gravity and the geography of the world cannot make this flow worthwhile.

For all is a standstill.

* * *

Here I am, sitting here in my usual place, my usual table, doing my usual usual, typing my soul away.

This week is unlike any other week that have come and gone in these past couple of years. No different to anything or any day at all.

But something is going to happen today that will deviate from the norm, something spectacular is going to happen and I don’t know what it is.

I look around the shot and no much is different.

The gaudy graffiti wall is the same. The boba week competition is the same; well, except for a few more colorful orange stickers, not much is different.

The tea is the same, as is the cool-cold-warm recycle cool-cold-warm temperature.

Not much is different, but something is different. Something happened today that usually never does.

Contact with the outside world. Contact with another being, another compatriot, here to do her studying.

It started with us vying for the same table, but I relented and gave her as I was nice to ask her which one she preferred.

I kept up my generally friendly demeanor and just maintained the dreaded small talk that I usually tend to avoid.

We are all the same, here to do some work. Here to get something done.

Obviously her stuff is much more important than mine, studying for an exam, for school.

Me, I’m just doing my usual soul searching. I’m just doing my usual brain purge.

Today is a little different.

I can do this. It should always be this easy, but I never keep it up.

* * *

Socializing.

How does an anti-social hermit be social? How does most everyone that he meets have the impression that he’s such a social butterfly? How so?

It just happens that way. It just happens that most of time that he hangs out it is in small crowds doing the things that he feels comfortable in doing. That is how. He doesn’t put himself in a situation where he is uncomfortable, in a situation that he doesn’t want to be in.

When it is family that he’s hanging out with, it is different also, because it is family. There just never seems to be a problem whenever he hangs with family. There’s no pressure to impress, to be more than who he is.

I guess in a way even though he strongly believes that he doesn’t need to impress, the psychological urge to be liked in some aspect is pushing him to try to impress and this poor soul caves at the pressure of doing so.

It is his flaw. One of his many. It just happens that he doesn’t know how to just let things go.

Sometimes it is successful. Other times. Not so much.

* * *

Boba girls.

They are here as it is their job to be here, taking orders, being polite, making their drinks and they do it all giggly and cute.

I’ve seen the shorter one here for a while, especially on the weekend. It seems she’s the opener most of the time and she has come to remember who I am and what drink I usually get. She usually gets it prepared before I even get my order through and sometimes she’ll give me a little discount to boot.

She’s really cute, as I have mentioned to Selena Kyle. Cute.

There are times where she’ll come in with a plastic sunglasses frame without any lenses and it just throws me off. I’m like what the fuck, but I let it go. It’s her prerogative and it is what it is.

A hipster and not just any hipster, a Asian hipster to book.

If Selena Kyle is right and the guy that she pointed out is the shorter one’s, Cutie McShorty, boyfriend, that I guess it is fitting.

He’s the textbook definition of a Asian Hipster. He’s a Hong Kong or even a Taiwanese cool stylish hipster. Something that I don’t get by the way. Not one bit at all.

It is a general confusion for me why that is stylish, but yet again, to each their own.

The taller one, I don’t know her name as we hardly ever spoke, is not bad looking either. Tall and thin.

From time to time I’ll see her steal a look in my direction or it just so happens that we’ll catch each other’s eye as I take a micro break from my finger tappings and survey my surroundings.

She’ll throw me little smiles as she comes into the shop, starting her shift.

All in all, she’s not bad either.

As for the other one, the Canto Singer, I haven’t seen her in a while.

* * *

Starting fresh.

Starting new.

A crashed computer wiped out the rant I had earlier about a coworker of mine.

Angry and easily annoyed, that is what I am.

Angry and easily annoyed.

But I am learning to let it go. I’m taking the long weekend to just remove myself from the mind of work and hopefully go in on Monday with a better attitude.

Hopefully.

* * *

Calm and calmed.

That’s what I need to be as I go about my days at work, just doing whatever project it is that I’m working on, learning on whatever it is that I need to learn.

I go about my day, doing whatever it is that I need to do.

Day in, day out.

My life.

The routine of the real world.

* * *

There is this constant sense of anger that is in me as of late and I don’t know how it got there or when it got there. It is just there.

Maybe I am like the Hulk and that’s what it is about me too, I’m always angry. I am always angry.

Sometimes my anger of things, as I get easily annoyed at other people’s shit.

I just don’t know what the root of the issue is. Why is it there?

I thought that I am fixed through and through for the most part.

I thought, I thought.

I guess I thought wrong.

Maybe I am tired. Maybe I just need a break and take another trip, another vacation.

Maybe I just need a change.

It sure feels like I need a change.

I just need a big change in my life and I’ve felt this way in a long time.

Made known in my earlier entries, I just need a change.

2012 is a year of change for me, a year of growing up, maturing, just a little bit more.

This man-child that I have fallen in love with is getting antsy to grow up just a little bit, but it is fighting it.

Maybe that is where my irritability is coming from. Just maybe.

* * *

Blah to this irritability. Blah to it all.

* * *

Thoughtless.

Nothingness.

Letting my mind wander free, coming to terms with this lack of concentration that I am feeling and just letting my fingers go through its exercise of typing letters into words.

I have to get back into the grove of things and I’m starting with going back to my roots, my basics of writing things that have no meaning and just doesn’t make any sense.

Words.

Coming together to form sentences.

Drunk and mysterious…

* * *

There she is, working again today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her.

The last few times that I did it was on her day off, coming in here just to hang out with her cohorts and doing whatever she is doing.

Today is different. She’s working today, back behind the counter, working. No time to talk as I am plugged in, typing away.

Will words pass between us today? I don’t know, but the day is still early. Hopefully maybe things will happen.

Let’s just say things are still early.

Now it just makes me wonder, what is her story?

As I just notice some stranger walking into the shop, we made eye contact and she just smiled and said “Hi.”.

Back to the story, back to the question, back to the things at hand.

What is her story?

* * *

Let’s call her Jasmine.

She started her way back in college a few years back and after graduation she decided to stay on the job, not full time, but as part time to make some extra cash on the weekends and maybe the late shift. It’s just a job that helps her unwind, to put her mind away from her regular 9-5 of being an accountant, pushing numbers all day.

Jasmine works and works, putting her hours in crunching numbers, matching statements processing invoices, keeping the company’s budget. She goes in and comes out, day after day, living the daily grind.

But there is something lacking in that life. There is a lack of passion that comes with a practical job and that lack of umph is severely hampering her enjoyment of life.

Sure she had dreams of something bigger when she was younger. Who didn’t, but the die didn’t roll in her favor; snake eyes. First roll and she’s out.

But Jasmine’s job here keeps her going. It is the only outlet she has outside of her job. The friends that she’s made here having given her the push to go on, living, realizing that life is worth living….

* * *

Cold air blowing on my head, freezing my scalp.

It distracts me from my usual finger tappings that I have become use to.

It distracts me from writing anything well and anything worthwhile.

I struggle to pull something out of my poor brain of mine, but nothing comes.

It is just mindless rambling of nothing.

Usually I am no oppose to nothings, but only if it is just sweet nothings.

This. This. It is some other beast.

* * *

Back with the backers.

Long gone and back now with something new and something different.

All is gone all is lost.

No more. No more.

London Bridges is back and she’s looking good. She looks great, in better shape; slimmed down, baby fat gone. Still cute as ever and she’s back.

* * *

Hold on for one more day…

Losing my mind in this constant drowning.

* * *

Really struggling to come up with something.

I’ve never been through something like this before. This is really difficult.