Here we are. Here we go.

45.

Halfway to 90.

I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever live that long nor do I want to.

It’s my annual another year older, another year wiser post and I can say, that 44 was much better than 43.

This post is a little different from my past posts. I’m not on my annual #specialweek trip. I’m home today, “working”.

Next week, I’ll be away, doing what I do best, relaxing and hiking and vacationing.

Without further ado, here we go.

44.

It ended well.

I guess we remember endings the most, because they are the most recent thing on your mind, whereas my ending for 43 was shit.

44.

Overall, 44 was a good year.

It started put rough with all of the rain and definitely there a was a lot of carryover from 43.

Hitting 44 was rough. My dad’s 20 year was extremely tough on me and that really fucked me up.

After May, things started to get better.

The Sun came out and life got going.

My lack of motivation in every aspect of my life lifted, and I life got better.

44.

Maybe it was coming to terms with being the same age as my father when he passed or coming to terms that I’ll always be older than him that freed me from the depression that haunted 43.

Who knows, but I’m glad that 44 turned out so well.

Was it the best number ever?

No.

Not even close, but it was a good start to taking my life back.

44.

I took it a day at a time.

After my trip back, I relaxed. I worked. I settled into a routine that worked for me and put my head down and trudged on.

Day goes by. Each day really no different than the next.

I allowed for the possibility of new things that deviated from my normal routine, but I didn’t really go out of my way either.

I lived.

LIVED.

44.

I think it would be the number that I learned to live again.

It would be the number that I stopped suffocating and took a breath and came to terms that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Each breath that I get to breath is one more than what my dad got and it should be cherished and enjoyed.

44.

The number I took back my life…..again.

44.

I enjoy being single. I enjoy being alone.

I love being alone.

#livingalone

I don’t know if ever mentioned it, but it’s something that have been in my mind lately, and that’s I really enjoy being alone. I want to be alone. I want to be single.

I think me finally voicing it out loud to others really help. I don’t feel the pressure of wanting to get married or being in a relationship.

I proudly say no, especially to family. I’m not in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Why?

I don’t want to be in one.

Many in my family don’t understand this, especially those of the older generation, but I’ve been more vocal of this than before.

Before I was very flippant about being single or getting married, now I directly tell them I’m not interested.

Pressure. Gone.

No guilt.

I’m living my life.

Control.

Along the same vein, I think I don’t want children.

I think I’m becoming more and more childfree as I get older.

I know a lot of it has to do with me being single and not wanting to be in a relationship or married.

But a larger part of me feel that I can’t afford to have a child and given today’s political climate and how the world is now, is it responsible to bring a child into the world.

I don’t feel it is. I think given my age, I think I would feel guilty about not being able to be there for any of my children to guide them and help them.

I’ve voiced this a loud quite a few times to quite a few people.

No pressure.

No guilt.

I know a lot of my mental issues come from the Asian guilt and pressure of wanting to please my mom and family by being married and having children.

Thinking of being single and not having kids and actually voicing these thoughts aloud to people are different things and it’s so empowering to have done it.

I’m taking my life back.

Control.

I live for me.

I’m sure I’ll disappoint many, especially my mom, but I can live with that.

I can live with that now.

44.

I can finally breathe.

So, cheers to 44. Thank you for giving my life back.

45.

Bring it on.

Past Lives

It was my favorite movie of 2023.

I remember the first time I saw the trailer and was enraptured by it. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out.

I kept checking the schedule to see when it’ll play, but there was no definite release date.

Then it happened.

May 2023.

But there’s a problem. I was up Home Home during that time and was scared that I wouldn’t be able to catch it in theaters because it was such a small movie. It was only playing in one theater in the greater Seattle region.

I prepared for disappointment that it’ll come and go.

But it didn’t.

I managed to watch it back home in Los Angeles.

I generally would get dinner before the movie and that night’s dinner was a shit show.

Long story short, it took over 45 minutes to get my food and I was pressed on time. They did comp my food, but I would rather have gotten my food and paid.

That experience left a really horrible taste in my mouth and put me in a shitty mood.

I went into the movie a little distracted but it still floored me, left me broken and shattered.

I told everyone about that movie.

Loved it.

I rewatched the movie again last weekend.

There’s an Instagram influencer that I follow that has a similar obsession with the movie that posted something about the movie that I made me want to rewatch the movie.

In the movie, there’s a Korean concept of Inyeon – providence/fate – that spoke to me. The influence tagged her picture with a Chinese concept that is similar, Yuanfen, and it was a HOLY SHIT! moment for me.

It didn’t hit me that it was the same thing. Sure, I’m familiar with the concept of fate, soul mates, etc. but didn’t realize that these two concepts from two different cultures were similar.

I rewatched the movie in much better sentiments and again it broke me.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

LOVE LOVE.

Yuanfen.

The story of my life.

Yuanfen.

I grew up with this concept of fate.

I watched so many Hong Kong Movies and TV Shows that brings it up all the time.

Main characters asking each other if they have Yuan and if they do, they’ll surely meet again.

Sure, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are soul mates and pre-destined loves, but that these characters have such a strong bond and relationship – Yuan – that they are tied together in life and future lives and past lives.

Yuanfen.

It’s such a romantic idea.

I grew up with it.

I asked ChatGPT the other week to help explain it to me in some bullet points and this is what it said.

“Yuanfen” (缘分) is a complex concept deeply rooted in Chinese culture and philosophy. Here’s a summary of its important aspects and meanings, along with its application to contemporary life:

– **Interconnectedness**: Yuanfen emphasizes the idea that all events and relationships are interconnected by fate or destiny.
– **Predestined Relationships**: It suggests that certain relationships are predestined and occur due to fate or cosmic alignment.
– **Meaningful Encounters**: Yuanfen refers to the meaningful encounters or connections between people, often characterized by a sense of inevitability.
– **Spiritual Connection**: It embodies a belief in a spiritual connection or affinity between individuals, beyond mere chance or coincidence.
– **Acceptance of Circumstances**: Yuanfen encourages acceptance of life circumstances and relationships as they unfold, recognizing them as part of one’s destiny.
– **Non-Attachment**: While acknowledging the significance of relationships and encounters, yuanfen also advocates for non-attachment and letting go of expectations.
– **Gratitude and Appreciation**: It promotes gratitude for the people and experiences brought into one’s life by yuanfen, fostering a sense of appreciation.
– **Role in Decision-Making**: In contemporary life, yuanfen may influence decisions regarding relationships, careers, and life paths, guiding individuals towards connections and opportunities aligned with their destiny.
– **Cultural Significance**: Yuanfen remains deeply ingrained in Chinese culture, influencing social interactions, matchmaking, and interpretations of life events.
– **Interpretation in Modern Contexts**: While rooted in tradition, yuanfen can be interpreted and applied in modern contexts, offering insights into the complexity of human relationships and the interconnectedness of the world.

In contemporary life, understanding yuanfen can provide a framework for navigating relationships, accepting life’s uncertainties, and finding meaning in chance encounters and experiences. It encourages individuals to embrace the interconnectedness of all things and cultivate gratitude for the people and opportunities that come their way. Additionally, yuanfen can serve as a reminder to remain open to new connections and experiences, trusting in the unfolding of one’s destiny.

Yuanfen.

I think the idea of it really shaped me and how I lived my life for so long.

Yuanfen.

I am where I am because that’s where I’m supposed to be.

It forced me to accept my fate and realize I’m where I am because that’s where I’m supposed to be.

When I was younger and even in my early to late twenties, I would see signs everywhere or would see things and be open to the idea that they were signs pointing to where my life needs to go.

I’m down in Los Angeles because of these signs.

I used to see them everywhere, but today, now, I don’t know if I believe anymore.

I don’t know if I stopped believing it as I got older or that because I got older and I started to think differently.

If we take a step back, the idea of accepting this fate, this predestination, this whatever will be will be is very hands off and passive.

I guess in a way, I’m very passive and I wait for things to happen to me.

Sure, my life changed quite a bit as I grew up a little and became more proactive in my life and my life choices.

Looking back, I guess I can actually say that I had always been proactive on my life and my life choices and made big choices of where I want to be and what I want to do. I didn’t sit back on my laurels and voila, I’m here.

Changes.

In the previous post, the last post of 2023, I wrote that I needed some changes in my life.

I’ve made all of the superficial and easy changes that I posted about.

I got a new couch, I got a new standing desk, and got rid of a lot of unnecessary clutter.

I feel a little better. That definite urge to change more and more isn’t as prominent anymore.

That feeling of rut isn’t as strong anymore, but there’s still a lingering desire for some other changes.

Maybe I should open up my mind and heart again to Yuanfen.

As I grew up and became the person I am today, I do feel like I’m a good blend of Chinese and American, shaped deeply by both cultures.

My identity is that of both and there’s no stripping one from the other. Sure, I don’t call myself a Chinese American, I call myself Chinese (American) – with the American as a “understood” part of my identity.

I asked ChatGPT on western influences or how Hong Kong people see Yuanfen since they are more Westernized than those of traditional mainland Chinese people.

Western influences have played a significant role in shaping the perspectives of Hong Kong Cantonese people, including their interpretation of concepts like yuanfen (缘分). Here are some ways in which Western influences may have impacted how Hong Kong Cantonese view yuanfen:

1. **Individualism**: Hong Kong has been heavily influenced by Western ideas of individualism, emphasizing personal autonomy, choice, and self-determination. This may lead Cantonese people to balance the concept of yuanfen with a belief in personal agency and the ability to shape one’s own destiny through actions and decisions.

2. **Pragmatism**: Western pragmatism and a focus on practicality may influence how Hong Kong Cantonese approach the concept of yuanfen. While acknowledging the role of fate or destiny, there may be an emphasis on taking proactive steps and seizing opportunities in life, aligning with a pragmatic worldview.

3. **Secularism**: Western secularism and a decline in traditional religious beliefs may impact how Hong Kong Cantonese perceive yuanfen. Rather than viewing it solely through a spiritual or cosmic lens, individuals may interpret yuanfen in a more secular context, focusing on the interconnectedness of events and relationships without necessarily attributing them to divine intervention.

4. **Romanticism**: Western romantic ideals and notions of love may influence how Hong Kong Cantonese people understand yuanfen in the context of romantic relationships. While still acknowledging the concept of fate or destiny in finding a partner, there may be an emphasis on romantic love and compatibility, influenced by Western notions of romance portrayed in literature, film, and media.

5. **Globalization**: Hong Kong’s status as a global city and its exposure to Western culture through media, education, and travel contribute to a more cosmopolitan worldview among Cantonese people. This exposure to diverse perspectives may lead to a more nuanced understanding of yuanfen that incorporates both traditional Chinese beliefs and Western influences.

Overall, Western influences in Hong Kong have contributed to a multifaceted interpretation of yuanfen among Cantonese people, blending traditional Chinese cultural values with elements of individualism, pragmatism, secularism, romanticism, and globalization.

Yuanfen.

I should see it in more of a Western lens.

Maybe I have always seen it in more of Western lens and that’s why I had such internal conflict growing up.

Maybe as I had gotten older and am so sure about myself, my identity, and who I am overall, I have the vocabulary and context to define fate, Yuanfen more broadly to encompass how I live my life.

Maybe I need to come to terms and be open to this fate and see the signs and make more active decisions on them.

Signs.

Fate.

Destiny.

Yuanfen.

I need to see again.

I will see again.

I see.

Changes.

I think I’m due for some changes in my life.

Some of it is just yearning for something different. I don’t want a life changing change, but something simple and easy.

It could be a break from this new routine I created during the pandemic. Sure, there are some good things, like the whole work from home, and taking naps and more walks around the neighborhood, but there could be things that I can change.

Eating dinner early is nice, but I guess I can eat later.

I don’t know what it is, but a change is due.

I’ve been wanting to get some things. Are these things important and necessary? No. Not in the least.

These are all materialistic things that I really don’t need, but in a way, I think a change in feng shui around the apartment would be nice.

It started a little with getting the Litter Robot and changing my desk, moving the table out of my bedroom, and adding a new nightstand and cat tree, but I think I can do a little more.

It’s been since like 2007 or 2008 that I had the current layout in my apartment.

It works. But maybe a change is due and it’ll switch up my life a bit. It’ll feel like something new.

A couch.

I would like to get a new couch. A grown up couch and get rid of my futon. I think I’m grown up enough now to get something a little less bachelorly and settle on something that would seem more settled.

Maybe it’s time.

But then with a new couch, I need to consider the space in my little apartment. I have so much shit hidden behind the futon that I need to find some storage for it.

I need to just go through that shit and figure out if I still need it or can I get rid of it.

Do I need that dolly tracker thing? Probably not. Do I need the photography lighting equipment? Maybe. Do I need the tripod? Yes.

With the couch, I need to figure out placement also. Would just getting a new couch be enough of a change or should I consider changing the layout also?

If I change the layout, how would it be? Where will I put all the shit that I have? So much to consider, but I think it’ll be a good exercise to focus on something that may spark joy.

I need to Marie Kondo my life. Tis is the time.

Why all of the sudden?

I don’t think it is a sudden decision, but a slow gradual buildup that has been nagging at me for a while.

It started with the futon being uncomfortable. It’s a 10+ year mattress.

Time for an upgrade.

I’ve been thinking of going with the layout that I originally had when I first moved into the apartment.

I would put the TV against the north wall where my desk is currently and move the desk over to the window.

I won’t have a “workstation” in the room, so there’s no need for me to move the chair at all. It might be a tight space going into the hallway, but who knows? There’s a lot to consider.

Where would I put the cat tree? Where would I store my exercise bike? Do I keep the bookcase or should l use it more like a storage shelf and remove all of the books?

Lots. To. Consider.

Lots to consider indeed.

Will it make my life better? Who the fuck knows.

Thinking back to the time when I first got that apartment, there were so many firsts that happened. My life changed for the better.

I got into relationships, albeit brief relationships, but they were new to me none the less.

Sure, I still had relationships after the layout change, but nothing was ever lasting. But then again, those relationships ended like the other relationships. Short.

Lots to consider.

A part of me also wants to get a new standing desk, an actual electric standing desk. I didn’t originally get one of those back in 2020 because they were too expensive, but now, they are much more affordable. It’ll save some space I think.

The table that I’m using as a desk now is a little too long depth wise. I have a lot of things to connect, but I think if I clear out the bookshelf and use that as storage or a shelf, I’ll free up some space on my desk. I don’t know, I think it’ll be a good thing. Less clutter.

I have a nagging feeling that my life is filled with too much clutter. There’s just too much shit and I think this would be a good excuse to just cut down on that clutter.

I think when I get back, I’ll need to spend a few weekends cleaning up the clutter and reorganizing.

Definitely need to reevaluate everything and do another purge and recycle.

It’s time.

Let’s see how it goes.

Hopefully with all the Kondoing I’ll find some motivation to be more productive and do other things in my life.

I think it’s another me feeling like I’m in a rut thing. I know this feeling and went to therapy for it.

It does make sense since this is around the same time and age that I gone through this last time.

Right about my dad’s 10th year anniversary.

It’s another phase that I need to get through.

If it pushes me to declutter my life, then all the better.

Fighting!

2023.

Here we are. Here we go.

I’m not sure how this is going to go, but it’s going to go.

2023.

Let’s go.

It’s my yearly bah humbug to all and I’m really not sure what is there is to write about this year.

2023.

Overall, it wasn’t a bad year, like the previous year.

Being out of the pandemic and settling into our new normal gave me a sense of normalcy and not feeling like I’m stuck in life.

There’s some forward progression, even though I’m not doing much.

I got my choice back on what I want to do and how I want to do it.

I have control over my life again.

2023.

Another year of control.

Control.

Where to start?

The general.

Overall, it’s been a good year.

I traveled a bit this year. Some new locations and some old ones.

Work is work. It has its ups and downs, but overall, it wasn’t bad. I was never really overly stressed about anything at work.

My pets are doing well. I bonded and understood Galette a little more, even though I do get frustrated with her from time to time.

Socializing. Not much, but enough within the context that I need.

My health seems fine, even though I slowed down significantly. Not much hiking this year. My cholesterol is high. This aspect would definitely be something I need to work on in 2024.

Found new interests and learned about it. Always good to be learning and growing, even if it is something as insignificant as kpop and Korean culture.

Projects…not much. Working on brainstorming on a project with Scott, but not very active in it.

Family is doing fine. I’ve seen quite a bit of family this year, which has been great. Always down for more family time now.

So overall, a decent year.

2023.

Not bad, not bad.

TRAVEL

Traveling started early this year.

February.

Hawaii.

It was for Michael’s wedding in Waikiki O’ahu.

I went out a few days early to Maui to get some alone time and charge up before family time.

Maui was amazing. I loved it there. It has a totally different vibe than O’ahu. I didn’t have many full days there, but that was all right. I did what I mainly set out to do, which was the Road to Hana and then I hiked the volcano. It was amazing.

I got to explore Lahaina before it unfortunately burned down during the summer. I will be back there one day. Hopefully sometime soon.

April.

For my Special Week trip I decided to stay local. It was Paso with a twist.

Instead of spending the whole time in Paso, I added Monterey and Carmel to my trip. I did an early morning hike at Garapata State Park and explored Point Lobos Nature Reserve again. I always love it there.

After Carmel, it was down to Paso for some wine tasting. It was a nice and peaceful trip.

May.

Family.

My yearly pilgrimage back to the PNW. This time it was for Ly’s wedding.

Instead of the straight drive up to Washington after a stop in Sacramento, I decided to stop in Bend, OR for a day.

I loved it there. So dog friendly. I did a few hikes and Galette got hurt which drastically cut down the amount of hiking I did this year.

But it was a great place to visit. I decided I may add it as a stop on my way up. Gives me some extra time of doing something instead of going straight home. Let’s see if that happens again next year.

September.

Mexico City.

It was a little impromptu trip, but I thought about it for a while. I really wanted to go and mentioned to my cousins that I wanted to go back in May, and so I did.

I loved it there. I explored the city and ate.

It’ll be a trip that I’ll do every few years since it’s so close.

Can’t wait.

December.

Not a trip trip perse but drove home for the holidays. Here I am. Writing writing.

2023.

It was a good year for traveling.

What is in store for 2024?

I do not know. Alaska maybe? Chicago? It’s long overdue.

More wine and hike weekends!

2024 surprise the wanderlust in me with something special.

FAMILY

2023.

It seems that ever since the pandemic, family and family reunions have been constant.

Last year, it was my cousin’s wedding.

This year, it was two weddings.

They were both for one side of the family.

It’s always great to see and catch up with family again since I’m not physically close to them anymore.

It’s always great to show my face and feel like I still exist within their world, albeit on my own terms.

Often it’s an information silo on my side. I don’t know what’s really happening with family, but I do know if there’s huge news, I will eventually hear about it.

I spent some time with my mom’s side of the family too. We had a cousins’ dinner during my summer trip and hung with them again during our traditional Christmas dinner.

Thankfully, we didn’t host this year and it was a lot less stressful.

Let’s see what 2024 brings us.

No weddings that I know of.

WORK

It’s work.

It’s either busy or it’s not with some days where it’s pretty steady.

I enjoy those days.

I settled into my work schedule of Tuesdays and Thursdays being in the office and whatever day that may require me to go in due to clients or some other big meeting.

It’s easy for me and I really don’t mind. I live close by.

I oversaw a few projects this year and they are all going or went swimmingly.

Work is work.

2024.

Let’s keep the same energy.

PROJECTS

None.

None.

2023.

Just none.

Similar to last year, it’s just a lack of motivation.

I lost it during or even before the pandemic and never got my mojo back.

I’m working with Scott on something, but as of the bulk of 2023. No projects.

No photography. No digital art.

Nothing.

Just video games and shows.

HEALTH.

2023.

I’m still alive.

That’s about as much as I can say about it.

My eating experiment about going a little more keto and less carb turned out to be a fail.

My cholesterol went up, but my blood sugar did go down.

I really need to get into a body health mindset.

I need to start exercising.

I bought a stationary bike. I used it for a month or two, but that’s about it.

2024.

Exercise.

Body workouts.

Stop sitting on my ass.

Let’s get hot.

…and healthy.

Let’s see how it goes.

SOCIALIZING

Not much.

Besides chatting up people in the office, not much socializing.

I would go out to dinner with Courts once in a blue blue blue moon, but no socializing at all.

PETS

They are both doing well.

Galette is still a little bitch but I think she’s mellowed out some. Not much, but some.

Relish is doing really really well.

I got her a LitterRobot with my traveling and it’s been going really well.

I’m a lazy cat parent, only cleaning her litter box once a week. This gives her a clean box every time she needs to go. I’m sure she’s so much happier. It took her a little over a week to get used to it, but I’m so happy that she uses it.

2023

Overall, it was a good year.

There were more ups and down.

Albeit the first half of the year was a dark time for me mentally.

It started with the dark winter down in LA and then it didn’t let up.

Cloudy days and rain rain rain.

It felt like I was back in the PNW for a while there.

The depression hit, but I managed. It was the adult depression that is familiar but not.

It’s a different beast.

I knew the cause of it. The lack of sun of course, but also the anniversary of my dad’s passing.

20 years.

He’s been gone for 20 years.

I’m hitting the age when he passed, or damn close to it.

It’s trippy.

The depression hit me hard.

I bounced back during the second half of the year. May came and went.

The Sun came out. Had some time with my family.

Then all is good. All is well.

How will I deal with this next year, 2024? No idea.

But I’ll be prepared. I’m aware of it.

I know the cause of it.

I need to survive it.

2023.

Overall, it’s been a good year. There were some challenges, but I overcame them and came out stronger.

I realize I’m slowly bouncing back from what the pandemic took away.

Will I get back to how I was and be content with it or will I surpass my old self and make come good changes for myself?

Growth.

Let’s aim for a big growing year.

2023.

Thank you for everything you gave me.

2023.

The Year I got into Korean pop culture, kdramas, and kpop.

With that, I bid you adieu.

2024.

Bring it.

Here we are. The last third of the year.

How is it September already?

I don’t know, but the year has gone by.

How am I?

Better.

I am better. The lack of motivation to do anything is still there, but that dread and cloud of ennui isn’t there anymore or isn’t as prominent.

It’s always May.

Fuck May. May Gray.

That’s always a hard time, especially this year.

I got through it.

I understood it.

I processed it.

I’m at the other side….for now.

Let’s see how long this goes.

We’re far from the shallows now

Day 2.

My motivation is still lacking.

It’s been my life for the past couple of years.

Lazy.

I have no desire to do much of anything.

It’s work.

Nap.

TV.

Movies.

Video Games.

Memes.

Nothing gets done.

But…the most important thing, I’m out of that funk that I was feeling earlier in the year.

That approach to my bday and the anniversary of my dad’s passing was a dark time for me.

Depression.

But…I made it out. I’m in the light.

Literally.

The summer had been great. Not much rain. Hot summer days.

There were a few days where it was really hot, but overall, it’s been a temperate year.

I’m in the light, walking, soaking up the vitamins and listening to whatever audiobook to pass the time.

I can only do the bare minimum.

Ambition to do much of anything, gone.

So, what’s been happening in the past couple of months?

I got a surprise call from an old friend on my drive back from the PNW. It’s been so long since I spoke to her and she’s going through some fucked up stuff.

I really can’t help her with much of anything. I just hope that she’s doing okay.

Work is work.

The flow of work comes and goes. I have my busy days and I have some chill days.

I’m not sure what the state of the business is, but with the world, things don’t look good. I hope we make it through.

I hope I still have a job.

I still go in a couple of times a week and it honestly does help with my mental health.

Just being able to chat and talk to some people really does help. I’m glad I have that option.

X days later.

A few months later.

November.

It’s been a while since I continued on this.

It’s never been this long. I considered posting or maybe deleting all that was above and start anew but thought fuck it. Let’s continue.

…continue.

It’s November now.

Hopefully I’ll finish this or post enough or get enough of what I want to say out of the way and have a worthwhile post.

So, here goes.

Going.

Hahhaa, I’m procrastinating again.

What have happened this year? So much, but so little.

I went to Mexico City and explored since I started this little entry of mine. I went on a full fledge one week vacation since I started this one single entry.

Procrastination.

Lack of motivation.

It’s a bitch.

It’s hard trying to get things done. It’s hard trying to find some semblance of routine and healthy motivation.

The pandemic really fucked that up for me.

It’s been 3 and a half years, and I still haven’t figured out a good routine on doing my writing….any kind of writing.

Hopefully I can figure something out.

Mexico City.

It was great. I didn’t do much besides walking and exploring and eating.

It was a great first trip to get a lay of the land so I can figure out more things to do the next time I visit.

I visited a few museums, had some street food and some fine dining. It was not unlike any of my typical city vacations.

I definitely want to go back and explore some more and eat some more.

Maybe I’ll dedicate some time and write all about it.

Let’s hope.

What else have been happening?

Korean culture.

Some time back in late August or early September I fell down the Blackpink rabbit hole. I watched the documentary on Netflix and I was obsessed with everything Blackpink.

I watched all of the YouTube videos that I can find and their concert diaries.

I’ve been listening to their music nonstop while I’m working.

Blackpink 24/7 365.

Watching all of the videos and interviews, I got a good sense of their personalities and Jisoo is my bias.

She’s just very goofy, quirky, and cool. Very confident and smart and doesn’t take herself too seriously. That’s a good combo to have as a person.

With the obsession of needing to watch everything Blackpink, I found a Korean variety show called Running Man.

It’s hilarious and I subscribed to Kocowa to start watching the shows.

This of course leads to Kdramas and I’m hooked.

I’ve watched a few already. Moving was great. Crash Landing on You was amazing.

I got some recommendations from Alisara and watched Start-Up and now I’m obsessed with Bae Suzy.

Me and my fickle heart and obsessions.

So, that’s my life right now. Kdramas, memes, and video games.

Sigh.

Work is happening and I can’t focus on this.

I really wanted to write something about fate and signs. Something I use to believe in and now, I don’t know. I used to see so many things that I considered as signs.

Many of my early early entries touched upon this subject, but as I gotten older, it had become a thought forgotten.

Watching all of the Kdramas, it seems like many of the leads are destined/fated to end up with each other and it just got me thinking….what happened to my belief in it?

Maybe that’ll be another post. Who knows?

This is tough. So tough.

My fingers fight me on doing this. THIS!

It refuses to do these finger tappings that it once loved to do.

Writing. Thoughts on the page.

They fight.

I’ve been so unmotivated to do this, even though it should come so easy for me. This should be so easy for me.

But here we are, fighting with my fingers to put my thoughts into words on this void of mine.

It’s tough.

Hopefully getting this much on the page will help me get more out tomorrow or whenever I feel up to it.

Hoping.

Soon.

There’s so much I want to write about, so much I want to say.

As above, unmotivated. As stated in my previous another year older, another year wiser, the lack of motivation kills me.

But let me try.

Here we go.

I sit in what seems to be my normal working spot up here in Home Home writing this.

This spot, the head seat of our old dining room table, became my WFH spot ever since the pandemic. I would set up my laptop here for my morning internet browsing, writing, and actual work work.

This became a new thing since I never go to my Asensio to do any writing because of the pandemic. I never felt comfortable going out and write anymore and I don’t feel comfortable leaving Galette at home alone in the morning. She has major separation anxiety and I didn’t want her to wake up the whole house.

But here I am.

Where to start?

What’s on my mind?

Haha, what isn’t on my mind?

Maybe…maybe with how I’m doing.

So, how am I doing?

I am well-ish.

Well-ish.

That’s all I can say.

I’m alive. I’m breathing. There’s no over encompassing dread in my life..no darkness.

I’m well.

I’m out and about when I want, living my life as I should and how I want.

But there’s that lingering ennui. There’s a malaise of blasé-ness that is always around me.

Adult depression. It hits different.

It’s a fine line.

Why am I feeling this?

There’s no real one answer, but a culmination of many things.

The main reason is because I’m 44.

44.

New Number.

It’s 2023.

New Year.

Maybe I conjured this feeling, knowing how I think I will feel when this time comes since it’s been on my mind for so long.

My dad.

My father issues.

It’s been 20 years since his passing. He’s always on my mind.

ALWAYS.

I miss him.

I love him.

20 years.

It’s almost half my life.

It’s around the same age that my father passed away. There’s much confusion on his actual age since his death certificate and most official paperwork states that he was born in 57, but that may have been a mistake and he was born in 58.

I’m around the same age that he passed. Soon, I’ll be older than he’ll ever been.

It’s a mindfuck.

It’s fucking with my mind and I can’t…I can’t shake it for the life of me.

How much have I changed in the 20 years since? How much have I changed in the 10 years?

I wrote a letter for you for your 10 year. A cathartic letter wondering how you are and detailing how much I have changed as a person since you passed.

Would you be proud of me? Would you recognize the person that I have become?

20 years.

I wonder the same thing. How much have I changed since that letter? Would you still be proud of me as I am today?

Would you?

I always sought your approval and I don’t know if I ever got it. I can only believe what others say and that you were and I can only take that to heart and believe that.

I hope that you will be proud of the person that I am today.

I hope you are.

I miss you.

I love you.

Sigh.

So much has changed. The world has changed so much.

Our family has grown.

Mom and Hien got a dog. I never thought that would happen, but here we are and she’s a sweet sweet thing.

I bet you would love her.

It makes mom happy. I can see it in her face as she plays with both Misu and Galette. It’s something that I didn’t ever see while growing up, especially after you passed, but it brings me so much joy to see her laughing and giggling.

I know she would be so much happier if she had an actual grandchild, but this is what she’s going to get.

I don’t think it’s in the cards for me. I don’t see it and I’m okay with that.

I hope you understand.

I’m not ruling it out. I’m open to it….I really am, but at this moment, it’s not in the cards.

I’m sorry about that. I really hope you understand.

We’ll see what happens in 10 years’ time. What do you think will happen?

Who knows?

I hope you’ll still be with me for another 10 years.

I love you.

I miss you.

LOVE.

I only had one entry for this year so far.

Man, I remember the days when I would have something almost every couple of nights or even every weekend, but here we are.

Unmotivated.

Hopefully things will change soon. I need to find some motivation to go back and do the things that I once loved so much.

Writing.

Art.

Hiking and nature.

All of them lie by the waste side now as I have no motivation to do any of them.

No writing.

No screaming in the void.

This little void of mine has been my therapy for so long.

It helped me a lot. I processed so much of my shit on here.

Through the years, I’ve become less angry, confident, happier, and just being a much better person.

This little void of mine has a hand in shaping that.

I am grateful for it, but it hasn’t been used in a while.

Through the years, my little finger tappings have changed from these random stream of conscious emo confessional dumps of what’s going on my life and what’s on my mind to what seems to be basic journal entries of what is happening or about what I did on a trip I did.

I hope that I can get back to the good ol’ days of flow again.

Maybe this is exactly what I need. Just sit and type.

Sit and type.

Home Home.

This is much earlier than I usually make my Home Home trips. I usually do it during the summer but here we are, before the summer.

I came up for Ly’s wedding.

Since I didn’t want to board Galette and have to carry my suit on a plane, I decided to make this my yearly pilgrimage home.

Two weeks’ vacation and one week working remotely.

It has become my status quo since the pandemic since we can easily WFH anywhere.

It makes it easier for me to spend time with family without feeling that I need to rush and do things.

But since the pandemic, my trips home are a little different than what I’m used to. I explained it in an earlier entry.

I just feel guilty going and leaving my bro and mom home while I’m off galivanting.

I don’t know. I need to figure something out.

But again, how much of that, especially this year’s trip is due to circumstance and the holy mind-fuck adult depression of unmotivatedness. I’m sure 95% of it is due to that.

I’m just looking for excuses not to do stuff so I can just stay home and rot and be unhealthy.

Maybe I’m doing this so I can die an early death. Maybe.

I need to fix that.

I need a change.

But overall, two weddings this year.

The first one was Michael’s in February in Hawaii and now Ly’s. The Ho/Nguyen brothers are all married now.

No more weddings in the foreseeable future thankfully.

Man, have I stated that I really don’t like weddings?

Hahaha.

But yes. Weddings are over.

I’m glad to see all of the family again and to hang out. I really am.

I really do love my family.

They’ll always be there.

I do miss family.

I never wrote about my time in Maui.

Amazing.

It was amazing.

I’m glad that I made that stop in Hawaii before Michael’s wedding.

I wanted to make a real vacation out of that wedding and decided to island hop since I’ve already been to Honolulu last year.

Maui is a lot less developed than O’ahu and a lot less crowded.

It was so beautiful there. I loved that island.

The weather didn’t cooperate as much as I wanted it to when I got there and I really did a piss poor job of planning that trip, especially for the Road to Hana.

But I did manage to get some good hiking in.

I was able to notch another National Park under my belt. Haleakalā National Park.

I managed to hike both sides and chase waterfalls on the East Side of the Island at the end of the Road to Hana and I was able to go up to the main volcano and hike down.

That hike down to the volcanic crater was amazing and also, one of the toughest hikes I had to hike back up and out of the crater on the way back after already hiking 6-7 miles already.

But it was worth it. It was a good unwind and relax before the wedding festivities and family time in Honolulu.

I definitely need to go back and explore another island.

On my last day in Maui, I walked out to Kāʻanapali Beach in the morning with a cup of coffee and sat and just watched the ocean. I spotted so many whales breaching the ocean. I almost cried.

Just. Beautiful.

Love love love.

I am blessed to have seen it. I am blessed to have experienced that.

No regrets.

None.

Home Home.

Overall, my trip home have been great, eventful, and chill. Sure, there were so many things that I hoped that I would have done, but it didn’t happen.

The general ennui and unmotivation got to me, but I’ve done a few things.

I started my trip by going to Bend, OR and spending a day and a half there. I’ve always wanted to do Bend since my cousins always a week in the summer there and they love it so much. I drove through it once and I always wanted to explore.

Overall, I loved it there. I think I can imagine myself living there. All the nature things are so close, in terms of time, no more than 20-30 minutes away. So easier and there are trails right in the middle of the city too.

Such a very outdoorsy town.

I loved it.

Very dog friendly also. You can walk your dog off leash for the majority of the year. Amazing.

I rolled into Bend around noon on Saturday and decided to do a hike in Smith Rock State Park. I didn’t do anything strenuous since I didn’t do any planning and I didn’t know what Galette could do.

It was hot, low 80s when we got there. We hiked along the dirt path and did the river trail. Overall, Galette did well, though she did try and stop at times. We pressed on.

For dinner time, I wanted to find a dog friendly restaurant with outdoor seating. I did find one, but it started to rain, so I got food to go.

The next morning, I went to Rim Rock/Good Dog Park. That park was amazing. 25 acres of trails.

I decided to let Galette off leash to see how she would do. She did amazing. She stayed by my side and didn’t let the other dogs off leash get to her. Most of them minded their own business and so did Galette.

I was so amazed by her. I didn’t think she would do well, considering how she is at the dog parks I take her, but I should have known considering how she likes to keep by me at the dog park.

Then we went back to the hotel for a short pee break and then hiked the Deschutes River Trail to the Old Distillery District. It was so nice, even though Galette wasn’t too happy about it. She would stop from time to time, refusing to move ahead.

I noticed her limping but thought that her paws may be a little sore, but it seemed like her paws were cut.

We did a total of about 10 miles that day.

Bend. Love it. I may start making it a stop on my way up to Home Home. We shall see what happens next year.

I feel bad. I didn’t realize that she had cut her paw until we made it home.

So, a lot of the outdoorsy adventures that I had planned with Galette fell through. I wanted to do Mt. Si, but decided against it, or even Rattlesnake Ridge.

Next time. Next time. I’ll be more mindful of how Galette is doing and maybe not hike her when it’s so hot out.

My biggest worry of the trip was how Galette would be with Misu.

I got home and entered the house by myself, leaving Galette in the car. Misu was weary of me, not knowing who I am and started to bark. I had my bro put a leash on so when I introduced Galette there’s some sort of control.

Overall, everything went fine. They sniffed and Galette said hi to my mom and bro and was weary of Misu.

There’s a lot of growling on Galette’s part as Misu was trying to make friends and investigate who this new dog and this new person was.

Eventually Galette got used to Misu and Misu got less and less afraid and after a few days they were playing with each other.

I would take them out for walks in the morning together and things are fine. They are friends now and I’m glad that happened.

I know how Galette can be and imagined the worst. It goes to show that I don’t trust Galette when I should.

I went out with Misu and Galette on a walk with Mom and Misu was shit on a leash. I taught my mom to keep her on a short leash and to pull her back if she tries to pull. I taught my mom some basic leash training for her and with the morning walks with Galette, Misu has gotten so much better on a leash. She still has her moments of pulling, but so much better. Able to go for long walks. Not much pulling for the most part.

Hopefully Misu can continue this with mom. Mom needs her exercise.

I have another week left of my trip. This time, I’ll be WFH. I already have a few things lined up that I will need to take care of, but I will try to keep it very very minimal.

I plan on leaving on the 10th and I have to stop by Fresno. I haven’t decided if I’m going to spend the night or just rest up for a few hours and then continue on my way.

Relish.

Relish is home alone again. Jun checks up on her every couple of days.

She’s been having issues, throwing up from time to time. It may have something to do with the food I got her. I’ve been switching her food up lately and now she’s on Orijen. I may have to switch to something else, but we shall see when I get back.

I hope she gets adjusted and gets better. I wonder how much of it is the food and how much of it is because she’s home alone.

We shall see.

If I could bring her up, I definitely would. Makes things so much easier.

We shall see.

For my 2023 Special Weekend trip, I decided to stay local ish and did a Paso trip with a twist. I started my trip in Carmel first and then drove down to Paso for a few days.

I finally managed to go to Garrapata State Park. Due to the heavy rain SoCal had this year, some of the rivers on the trail were flooded, but it wasn’t too bad. I was able to hike up the mountain trail and finish my loop.

After Garrapata, I went to Pacific Grove and did a small walk and then explored Monterey again. I went to Fisherman’s Wharf to get some lunch and then went back to the hotel.

I also managed to do 17 mile drive.

The PCH was closed so I had to take 101 back to Paso. I went to 46 to cut over to the coast and did a few hikes along PCH and did Moonstone again.

On my actual day, I relaxed and did some wine tasting.

It was nice and chill and a great way to spend my #specialweek #specialweekend.

Here we are.

Here we go.

I’m surprised that I got so much out of me today.

Sitting down and actually doing it probably have something to do with it.

Hopefully I can make this more of a regular thing.

Hopefully this can help get me out of this…..this….well-ish.

Here we are again.

Sitting here, day of, fingers tapping.

44.

Another year older, another year wiser.

44.

Another year closer to the age my father passed away.

I feel it. It’s in my bones. It’s in my psyche.

I feel it.

43.

43.

It’s been a number, like any other number, but it’s been a little different too.

43.

Unmotivated.

That’s one word that I would use to describe my year. Unmotivated.

There was no motivation to do anything.

Not motivated to work.

Not motivated in my hobbies.

Not motivated to go out.

Not motivated to meet people.

Not motivated to cook.

No motivation.

43.

It’s been a tough number to just manage the basic day-to-day-ness of life.

Adulting was hard this past year.

Sure, I still did my work and still managed to do good work, but man, life was just blah.

I wake up with a blahness that is debilitating.

For sure, I can truly say, My Old Friend is back.

43.

Depression.

Adult depression.

Again, I’ve gone through waves of it throughout my adulthood. As I mentioned before, it’s a much different kind of depression that I was so familiar with when I was younger,

It’s a day-to-day functional depression, a fine line between existing and existing.

It lingers in the back, like a dewy mist slowly creeping through a field, but slowly dissipates by the morning sun. It’s there, but never too smothering.

43.

That was my number.

Why?

I genuinely have no concrete reason why, but considering everything, it’s hard to not see the many reasons.

I’m another year closer to the age when my father passed away. I know that it’s going to hit me hard because I don’t’ know what to expect. I have no expectations of my life beyond the number. I’m another year closer to a number that my father never saw.

In another month, on May 10th, it’ll be 20 years to the day that my father passed away. He’s always been on my mind for the past 20 years and will always be on my mind for however many numbers I have left in my life. I miss him.

I’m sad that he’s not here with me.

20 years.

Fuck May.

It’s approaching.

43.

Unmotivated.

Depressed.

Fine line.

My health.

I’m getting old.

I feel it. My body hurts. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My joints hurt.

I’m old.

Beaten.

I’m too lazy to exercise and make it better.

Unmotivated.

My heart works. It pumps, but so unhealthy. My cholesterol is the highest it has ever been. I thought I was fixing it last year, but it made it worse.

I need to change. I need to make an effort to give a shit about my health.

I need to make my life worthwhile; make the unreachable numbers mean something.

Make it worth something.

43.

Unmotivated.

Work. It happens. It’s another day, same job, another task. Unmotivated to do much, but I still do. I have to. I do what is asked and that’s all I can do.

The world.

The world crumbles around me. We’re moving back in time with our new laws and our new/old fears. Our world crumbles. Our nation divides.

Sigh.

It’s not a good time to be alive, considering how much good that we’ve seen and knowing that it could be so much better and then we reverse course and come to this shit.

Sigh.

43.

Hopefully 44 looks up on everything. I don’t know how much more of this ongoing ennui I can manage.

43.

It hasn’t been all bad. There were some good.

Traveling.

Back to traveling and exploring again. Started out strong early in the number with some new destinations and it continued from there.

I find myself needing to check out from my day-to-day and work and going someplace to rejuvenate far more frequently than the past. I can last no more than 2 months or so before I just need to take a few days off of work.

It was a pandemic thing, but I think it has been sticking since we are out of the pandemic now.

Will it be a permanent thing or will it change when/if life and the world gets back on track of getting better?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Getting to the number that my dad passed is really fucking with my head. I know nothing is going to happen. Nothing life changing will happen magically once I hit the number.

It’ll be an occasion that once I pass it, I’ll be older than my dad ever saw with each coming year. I have to deal with it. I have to come to terms with it.

43.

It’s definitely been a tough number for me.

It wasn’t one of the worst, but it’s been tough. There’s been many years that have been worse, but it’s just different.

Motivation.

I don’t know how to get it back.

I don’t know what I need to do to get back on the proverbial horse and just do things again.

I need to shake this funk that I’m in ’cause it’s not healthy.

Not healthy at all.

44.

Please be better.

Please help me find the motivation.

I know I’m another year older, another year wiser, but 43 felt like I didn’t learn much at all.

Rut rut.

Definitely in a rut.

The same thing happened 10 years ago. Rut rut.

It took me about two years to get out of it, and that was with professional help.

Maybe I can navigate it better.

44.

Maybe it’s a year of accepting and coming to terms with me and my life and everything.

44.

I’m a little scared.

I’m not going to life, but I am scared.

Here we are. Here we go.

2022.

Let’s go.

I’m not sure how this post is going to go, since it is the 23rd and I’m still “working” because of how the days lined up this year.

I’m down in LA, not going anywhere this year even though I was totally fine driving up again…maybe that not fine since I was just up there for most of September.

But willing.

2022.

How was it?

Honestly?

It could be worse.

It wasn’t bad.

It was a glimmer of hope that things are getting better and back to some sort of bearable normalcy that mimics the days of yore….and those days are “pre-pandemic” days.

There were many things that made it feel like any other year and that’s what I’m holding onto.

Here we go.

I’m not sure how this year’s bah humbug to all is going to go. I usually break it up into section, but like last year, I have no motivation for much of anything anymore.

So, here we go…..

Overall, the year ended up being pretty good.

On a global scale, it seems like the conservative bullshit is still there, but slowly dying.

Life strives as we tackle Covid and emerge from the pandemic better prepared. It’s still not over, but things are manageable.

For me, life got back on track with travel, work, and just something more bearable and that I’m quite okay with.

Work.

I’m not going to spend time here.

Still, FUCK WORK.

It’s gotten better.

I was able to finish the Crew Admin project that I was stuck on. I had to get some vendor help, but it’s finished.

I’ve settled on a routine and go into the office a couple of days a week or when things really come up and I’m totally okay with it.

Galette is pretty good at being home alone, so I’m not really worried about that anymore.

Projects come up. I finish or work on it.

Work is work.

I’m happy that I still have a job and a steady income, so I really can’t complain much.

2023

Let’s make it more manageable and better for me and my mental health, please?

I TRAVELED THIS YEAR.

And it was just the medicine to cure my old friend.

I definitely needed to fill this wanderlust thirst of mine. Being stuck at home for the past two years definitely killed me.

That changed this year with my trips.

Hawaii.

Nashville.

Home Home.

Napa.

There weren’t that many trips, but there were trips and that’s all that matters.

I got to explore a few cities that I never been too and experience a few new things.

2023.

What do you have in store?

I know for sure another Hawaii trip is booked and a trip home.

What else is there?

Napa for sure.

Paso for sure.

Anything else? Time will tell.

2023

Let’s keep wanderlusting.

Family.

2022 had been a great year for family too.

Home home was great.

Was able to hang out with a lot of family and make my rounds.

Galette was able to bond more with my mom and bro, which prompted them to get a new dog, Misu!

My bro finally got his Bernadoodle and she’s the cutest thing.

I hope they bring them as much joy as my little furkids brought me happiness and peace in my life.

Overall, there was great family time this year with uncles, aunts, cousins…everyone.

The past two years confirm that I do miss family and I need them in my life.

There are times when I catch myself thinking of moving back or going back more often.

Who knows?

Who. Knows?

2023….let’s family it up.

Let’s family it up.

Projects.

Nonexistent.

No motivation.

2022. It’s the year I got back into gaming.

I got a PS5 this year and I haven’t played this much video games since I was a kid and maybe when I was back in college with the original Playstation.

Something that I needed. Something mindless and it keeps me mindful, only focusing on the game at that time.

It has become my meditation.

Cooking use to be my meditation.

In a way it still is, but with this new diet, I haven’t really been cooking much.

Health.

It has been good this year.

No scared.

I think I found out what was causing my urine issue and that may have to do with my diet. It’s fucking weird, but let’s go with that.

I decided to start eating clean after my yearly physical. I mainly did a Whole 30 and then cut out white rice and saw that my cholesterol dropped 40 points.

I’ve been pretty much off rice and many of the foods that comes with rice (Asian food), for the most part, for the year. There are days where I would cheat and do eat rice or rice products, but they are very few and far between.

It’s been an experiment this year. I’m curious to see what my cholesterol would be from the physical in the next month or two.

It seems that rice and some gluten give me stomach issues. Inflamed intestines, trapped gas, stomach cramps, bloating, constipation. I still don’t know what specifically sets it off, but it’s something.

Am I exercising? Not much.

I walk as I normally do with Galette and try to get some hiking trips in, but there aren’t many.

2023, more hiking please.

2023.

Let’s get healthier…

Pets.

They both have been marvelous this year.

Relish is healthy and have always been a sweet darling bitch that takes no shit and loves me on her own terms.

There are some crusty stuff and bites on her, but I don’t know if they are dust mites or fleas.

Galette really came into her own this year and we’ve pretty much settled on a routine. She’s still a handful, but things are getting easier.

I don’t know if it is me tolerating her and knowing her better or if she’s actually getting better, but hoping things continue on this trajectory.

2023.

Let’s continue on!

Socializing.

It happens, but not as much.

Just the right amount.

Gotten to know a few people in the office better and that’s all that matters and that’s all that I can handle.

2023.

Maybe a little more?

Possibly?

Who knows?

2022.

You were a kick-off year.

An ease-in year to get us back on track and out of the pandemic.

Overall, it was a blessed year and the kind of year that I needed after the two fucking horrible years that we all just had.

I hope 2023 continues on and gets better.

2022.

I bid you adieu and a farewell.

2023.

Bring It.

Here I am. Here I go.

I’m on another one of my Hike & Wine Weekends.

Surprisingly this is the first one of the year, but to be fair, I’ve been traveling more this year than the past couple pandemic years.

This time, it’s Napa/Sonoma/Santa Rosa.

There are actually quite a few good hiking options around here. Most of it seem to be in the sun, but there’s hiking options here and close about.

After doing Paso the past couple of times, I think I needed a change, more hiking options, food options.

A change.

Change is always tough, but I enjoy change, especially when it comes to something like this.

It’s nice to treat yourself for a while. To check out from work, from life.

I needed rest. My body needed rest.

I’d been eating like shit for the past couple of weeks and my stomach is all jacked up. Probably won’t get back to normal scheduled programming until after Thanksgiving and get my stomach back on track.

We shall see.

Today will be my last full day up here and I don’t have much planned. I got an early dinner lined up, but nothing else.

No more hiking. No more physical adventure.

What am I going to do? No idea. Just explore I guess.

But so far so good.

Point Reyes was a pretty long but fairly easy hike to a waterfall by the coast. Went to a Sugar Loaf State Park a little closer to Napa/Sonoma and did about a 7 mile hike that was pretty much all up at first. Bald Mountain.

Met a local solo hiker up at the top and he pointed out a few hikes around the town that I would enjoy.

Next time. Next time.

I had one nasty dinner the first night I was here. Gravenstein. Maybe I ordered the wrong thing or maybe I was still kind of full from Ad Hoc Fried Chicken, but man, that wasn’t a good dinner.

Did a tasting menu on Saturday at the Farmhouse Inn. That was good.

Bouchon for lunch. Always a solid choice and some Mediterranean restaurant LaSalette in Sonoma for dinner. It was all right.

So far, I only went to one winery for a tasting. They were full for a “regular” tasting, so I opted to do a tasting by the glass. Pick a glass and drink and chill. I enjoyed it.

The wines were expensive, but hey, when in Rome. I bought a bottle of the 2019 Cab at Clos Du Val for Thanksgiving dinner. Makes it easier.

I really don’t want to cook.

Nice trip. Enjoying it.

I think I will make a Napa trip once a year. A good long weekend of hiking and eating and wine tasting.

The LIFE.

So, what’s been happening since my last entry?

Same shit.

Work is work.

Let’s not talk about it.

Mom decided to drive down and stay with me for over a week so she can attend Great Auntie’s memorial.

Overall, the drive down was good, until I got a blown tire. My fault. I saw the TPSM warning come on, but I ignored it when I shouldn’t have. Lesson learned.

The blowout happened around the Shasta area. Thankfully there was a tire store relatively close by. It delayed us 2 hours, but we managed to make it Big Auntie’s and spend the night.

The week with mom wasn’t bad. I opted to go into the office for a few hours while Mom chilled at home with Galette. They had a great time.

Watching mom bond with Galette, I never thought something like that will happen. She even allowed Galette to sleep in the bed with her. I had the futon of course.

We made it work.

Bro is finally getting a dog. They are getting a Bernadoodle and should pick it up the week of Christmas.

Mom will love the new dog. I think it’ll be great for them. Something to focus on and something for mom to focus on and keep her on her toes and get her out of the house.

It’ll change their lives for the better.

I can’t wait.

Unfortunately, I probably won’t meet the new dog until May when I go up for a wedding. I am not sure if I will drive up or just fly up. My summer and the year are still up in the air.

The only thing truly planned is the Hawaii trip. Other than that, not much.

Merry Christmas to them.

The day is still early. I need to figure out what to do.

Decisions decisions decisions.

Overall, this was a great decision. I needed a break like this from my every day and even my pets so I can rest and relax.

We all need something like this.

I’m thankful I have the privilege to do it.

Take your PTOs y’all!!

It’s been a while.

It’s been some time.

I’ve been meaning to get back to this for months..weeks, but it never happened.

I’ve been home home for about a week now and I had plans to do this during that time, but again, nothing.

Sure, I had been busy a few days, but there were days when I didn’t do anything but be home home.

Doing nothing.

Sigh.

Motivation.

Gone.

Life.

Not the same.

Pre-Pandemic Life > Pandemic Life.

That’s not to say that life currently is all that bad, it’s just different.

Just different.

Maybe that’s how things are now.

Just different.

What’s been happening in my life since my last entry?

It’s been about two months, maybe?

Well, in the grand scheme of things, not much has changed.

Working working working.

Unmotivated unmotivated unmotivated.

Life life life.

That’s the typical norm.

Sure, I got a two week vacation back home home to spend time with my family and then a week or working remotely and then it’s back to my regularly scheduled program.

Work. Unmotivated. Life.

I did get a new car and a PlayStation 5.

Those are about the only new things in my life.

I love the car. 2022 Honda Civic Hatchback EX-L. It should last me, hopefully, a good 15-20 years and by that time there would be a proliferation of electric vehicle and hopefully a better infrastructure that will benefit electric vehicles for my needs.

Currently it’s not there yet. Not enough fast charging stations and not convenient to charge the car, especially on long road trips.

That’s the biggest reason why I got a gas guzzler. Electric is not there yet and I’m betting that in 15-20 years’ time, we’ll have some things better planned out and implemented.

Until then, I’ll be adding onto my carbon footprint.

PlayStation 5.

We’ll, that was a surprise to me since I never really played any games with my ps3, but now I am. I think I need a distraction from streaming TV and find another way that I can work my brain and turn off my brain at the same time.

I can’t read anymore.

Books sit unfinished for months and years at a time.

I told myself that I would make a big dent in Dune while I’m home home, but alas, I have not even opened up the book. Sigh.

My brain doesn’t function that way anymore. Work messed me up.

I’m tired.

My brain is tired.

My body is tired.

Work. Unmotivated. Life.

Sigh.

All I can do is glance and skim at short memes or articles on imgur or reddit.

I’ll read some short news stories from whatever aggregator that I’m using and that’s it.

I’m kept informed about the world and then I go carry on my solitary existence.

Life.

Not really that different from my pre-pandemic life, but it’s just different.

Just different.

Just different.

Sigh.

Just. Different.

Home home.

Just different.

I was lamenting the other day while I was away out alone with Galette that my days home home are just different now. I don’t have the luxury or the freedom of spending it alone anymore.

During pre-pandemic times, whenever I get home home, I’d spend many of my days and times here by myself with Pickles as my company. I’d be able to plan big hiking trips or extended hiking trips.

Now, with my bro WFH and my mom retired, they are always here. I don’t get the alone time anymore.

Whenever I leave by myself, there’s a pang of guilt that I’m not including my mom or even my bro at times.

That’s a me issue. I’m sure they don’t care and I need to get used to it, but there’s a sense of guilt there for some reason.

So, I do make an effort to find and do things with my mom. I’d like to get her out of the house and active and be able to explore the state that she’s spend a majority of her life living in.

She’s worked so hard day after day and she never got to explore and do things.

So, I plan days where we explore.

It started last summer when I took her hiking with me at Snoqualmie Falls and Hoh Rain Forest.

This year I took her to Whidbey Island. I never been on a ferry before nor have I ever explored any of the islands. So why not?

Let’s explore.

We spend the day driving through Whidbey and getting a nice lunch.

Our next adventure was hiking. I took mom to Wallace Falls State Park and hiked to the lower falls. She had problems. Too many ups and downs on the hike. But we did four miles.

We then stopped by Leavenworth for lunch. It was quaint.

I only had one alone day as I slipped out to spend the afternoon by myself. Mom had a dentist appointment, so I ended up exploring Ruston again and explored Tacoma. I drove past the old house and old familiars to see how the city changed.

Every time I come up, it looks just different.

I went to visit dad at the cemetery, along with grandpa and grandma and uncle and aunt. I brought Galette with me and introduced her to them.

I originally kept her in the car, but she kept yelping and there was a ceremony happening and I didn’t want her yelping to interrupt.

Galette behaved while she was with me.

Life.

Just different.

The coming week will be a crapshoot. I don’t have much planned as there are so many things up in the air.

We are ramping up to Sinh & May’s wedding. Aunties and other family will be coming in town and I’m sure there are family things to do so I am not sure what days will be dedicated to dinners and such.

Also, I don’t know if I’ll be needed to chauffer mom and aunties around.

No fucking clue.

Maybe I can slip a day or two of adventure. Who knows?

Also, the weather could be shit too.

Hahha

Sigh.

Tired.

Tired.

Mount Rainier.

Tuesday I went to Mount Rainier for the first time ever since I got into hiking. I’ve been back here so many times that I never been.

Much of it had to do with having Pickles with me and not having anyone to watch Pickles while I’m hiking, but I took advantage of having my bro and mom at home and had them watch Galette for the day while I went.

Wow.

Just wow.

It’s such a beautiful park and I only explored a small portion of it.

I did the popular Skyline Trail. Majestic.

It fucking kicked my ass.

My body was so tired after it.

I’m out of shape.

Definitely will make use of having free dog sitters for the day and go back again and again.

Looking forward to it and more hikes.