After all is done, after all my travels are over, my body finally betrays me and crashes.

It knows that I don’t have any more travels planned. No work travels. No personal travels. I’m taking a break. It is now time for my body to tire and get sick.

How in a way, I feel great about it, since I’m not sick on vacation, even though I did get a little sick during my Dallas and Moorestown trip, thankfully I felt good for the most part in my Chicago trip.

Rest. I need rest. That is the plan for the weekend. Rest. Everything can be put aside and be done later. Rest. That is all that is needed at the moment.

Rest.

* * *

For the past couple of weeks, I have been hooked on the music from the Broadway show, Hamilton. It’s fucking awesome. I had been listening to the production nonstop practically for the past two weeks or so. The music, so good.

The premise is about the life and time of Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers of the United States, told in a musical. The catch, the music is hip-hop, blues, R&B and some old school musical. It’s a fantastic mashup and the music is so powerful and so strong. I can’t get enough of it.

I love musicals.

I think that is something that most people don’t know about me, but I love them. I love them when they work. When the music conveys the message and a great story. I love musicals.

In a way, I wish that in life people will burst out in song about what they are thinking and feeling, monologuing, ballading all the time. But tis is not life.

When it comes to musicals, there are a few types of different musicals. I may have touched upon this in this vast blog of words, but here I go again, if it was never discussed.

I’m new to the whole Broadway Musical thing. But it is something that I have loved from when I first saw Rent (the movie) and fell in love with the music.

Now, to be fair, I had been a lover of movie musicals before. Moulin Rouge, Singin’ in the Rain among others.

To the different type of musicals and which ones I love.

There are the “backstage musicals” and then there are the ones that most people that aren’t a fan of musicals think of, which are the ones where people just burst into song.

Can you guess which ones I love and which ones just don’t work for me?

Yes, I am not a fan of the “backstage musicals”. These are the musicals where the music make sense, because the songs come from a platform already, like they are musicians or they are on a stage singing and that is incorporated into the story. No, generally not a fan of those.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the musicals where people just bursts into song. I love the fantasy of it, the whimsy. It’s refreshing.

People should just burst into song. Period.

But back to Hamilton. Great great great music and I would love to watch it, but unfortunately it’s sold out and only showing in NYC. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a vacation next year and watch it. We shall see.

I just checked. Minimum number of tickets you can buy is 2. Ugh.

Maybe someone will go with me? Ugh.

But, listen to it. Embrace it.

Hamilton.

* * *

Charleston.

The Carters.

Circling back to the vacation and the tiredness that I was talking about earlier in this post.

My last vacation of the year.

Ugh, just a general observation, how much time slows down when you are sick.

They moved away a few years ago, 2012 – 2013 maybe? April? It’s definitely been a few years and Scott and I mainly communicate through email and phone calls. During our writing meetings, we’ll see each other on Skype, but actually hanging out, it’s been a few years.

I saw Rutledge earlier this year at Katy’s wedding, and it was falling back to familiarity, and I thought it was finally time for me to pay them a visit.

I’ll get a free place to stay and get to explore a new city. It was set and that was it.

It was an extended weekend trip.

I took a redeye out on Friday night and got to their house around 11 on Saturday. Man, I really do hate redeyes. I mean, I guess it might be better if I could sleep better on the plane, but it’s always a hit and miss for me.

Overall, it was a great trip. It was just great seeing them all again and actually being able to hangout and chat in person. It was like old times again. Times I missed. It felt so natural and great.

It was good times.

I got to hang out with their son, who I haven’t seen in a long time and he remembers me. He’s a great kid, albeit a little kiddish, but that is most kids. He’s trying to find the best way to work his parents, getting the most out of the littlest.

It was interesting to see the dynamics of how the they parent the kid, the good cop/bad cop angle. The coddled and then the harder, you do everything and try and see what happens. Very interesting and I guess when it comes to parenting, you just have to go with the flow and pick a stance and stick with it.

It makes me wonder what kind of father I would be and how would I raise my kid or what approach I would take, assuming that I have kids.

The first night there, they took me to an Oyster Roast. It was totally not what I was expecting, in terms of how the oysters would be.

I’m use to the individual oysters, but I would describe these as oyster clumps. Each clump would be about 3-4 oysters, or you may find a stray individual oyster. It was good. Fresh. Smokey. It was a different way to eat these oysters. It was very rustic, simple, humble food for humble people. I loved the party vibe, the atmosphere.

It was different.

Sunday, Scott and I managed to do something that we usually always do, and that is watch a movie. He was my movie buddy. We’d go watch most movies together and it was great to do this again. It was simple and nothing special, but just two movie lovers go and watch a movie together. We watched Spectre, the latest Bond movie. It was all right. Not horrible. Not good. Just Bond.

Monday was an uneven and interesting day. I didn’t really have much planned and was just going to go with the flow as Rutledge was going to Gabe’s school to volunteer. The day started with heavy rain and it didn’t seem like it’ll let up. We were watching Jinx when Scott got a call. There was an accident and Rutledge took Gabe to the emergency room.

The poor kid got his thumb smashed by a door. That was their day.

I was left alone, at home, to my own device. I surfed the net, kept myself entertained, grabbed lunch and dinner by myself. I do I usually do, just go with the flow. In the afternoon, the rain finally let up and I went to explore Mount Pleasant.

I went to the Shem Creek area and then drove around to Sullivan’s Island and then to Isle of Palms. I saw the Atlantic and just explored and saw more of the area in the car. There was light rain, but nothing as bad as how it was in the morning. It was a simple day.

They finally got back home late that night, past 9.

Tuesday was my last full day in Charleston. Scott took me to downtown Charleston and we just walked and explored. She showed me around famous King St. with all the shops and the Battery and College of Charleston. We just walked and talked and then got some lunch and that was it. It was a simple afternoon.

The next day, I went home.

Simple. It was a simple trip.

It isn’t a trip like the ones I normally take, where I just go and explore. I didn’t have anything planned as spending time with the Carters was more the priority than me seeing the city. They were very southern and very hospitable. Great people.

I miss them, but hopefully it won’t take me another 3 years before we all get to hang out again.

Let’s hope not.

* * *

So tired. So sick.

Sleep. Nap. Rest.

That’s what I need. That’s what I’m ordering for myself.

Starting to eat clean again. It’s definitely hard to maintain some kind of diet while traveling, especially coming back late from the airport. You got for what’s open and convenient. Fast food.

Starting to get back to the low carb/no carb diet again. Clean eating. Cooking.

No processed food. Just simple food.

Back into the habit.

Rest.

Sleep.

Nap.

Chicago. My beloved Chicago. Oh how’d I miss you.

It’s been far too long since I have last seen you last; the beginning of the year and 10 months was way too long for us to be apart.

Oh Chicago Chicago, how’d I love thee! You fill my heart with glee.

* * *

So, the Chicago new office set up was a shit show. It was a shit show even before I stepped onto a plane to get there.

Why? Windstream.

They never got the network ready. They provided Dan with bad information, telling him that we are up, but when Dan called the Friday before he his Sunday trip, they told him nothing was up.

Frantic calls were made to get things rectified and when I got to Chicago on Tuesday, we weren’t going to get up and running on the network until Friday. Dan left on Thursday, so I would have to take care of things on my own in the office while Dan works with Windstream and Cisco to get things up over the phone.

Not ideal.

The tech that came out came out unprepared. He got nothing ready. No wires, or was using the wrong wires and no connectors. It was a shit show and I was frustrated at how slow everything was running and how such a fuck up things were.

At least I had other things to focus on while I was there, but the whole network thing was a shit show.

* * *

My shit.

I had a checklist of what I had to do while I was in Chicago. It was a simple checklist; server, digital signage, computers, etc etc.

For the most part, all of my things are reliant on having a network up and running. So, of course, my thing was delayed a few days. Instead of getting everything up and running by Friday night, I didn’t get everything up and running until Monday night. Users were delayed one day.

With nothing to do, Dan got the server up and running and racked up before I got there. There’s nothing else to be done with the server until things are finished.

I forgot a monitor and such, so I sent a monitor along with keyboard and mouse out with the mac mini and a few other things I forgot.

Wednesday, I went into the office early to get a feel of the land and then I went back to the hotel to meet up with Dan. With nothing to do in the new space, we went to Regus.

While there, I took the opportunity to image a few computers while I was there while Dan went back to the new space. Honestly, the first day was a blur. I don’t remember exactly what I did. I believe I left somewhat on time.

I had some free time to explore the city. I went to get dinner by myself, as Dan was tired and getting sick. I got me some ramen and just walked to the pier, exploring, stretching my legs, getting my feel for the city again. It felt great.

Thursday was when everything started to hit the fucking fan for me. It was a nightmare. I was becoming stressed and a little angry, and it was my shit.

The day my laptop died.

Dan wasn’t in the office yet, still sleeping, tired, back at the hotel. I told him I was heading to the office and then to the Regus space. I needed to pick up an extra computer power cable for the server.

I shot off whatever quick emails I needed to do in the new space and then I shut my laptop and bagged it, heading my way to the Merchandise Mart.

When I got to the space, most everyone is gone. They decided to work at home and many were leaving early, believing that the move was going to happen that day, instead of the next day, Friday. Either way, I was happy because it gave me the opportunity to reimage the machines.

I turned on my laptop and it died. It wouldn’t boot up. There was a bootup file that was missing and there was no way for me to get the laptop back up. I googled and the fix should have been relatively easy. Get a Windows 10 disc and do a repair.

I emailed the department letting people know what had happened and I’m out of commission, computer wise, that day, but I’m working on getting it fixed. I was willing to buy a laptop if it needs be, so Dan can get access to the switch for the network stuff that was happening the next day.

I wasn’t totally stressed yet, but I was getting there.

I decided to download the Win 10 iso on one of the computers that I had already imaged. I have a usb, I got everything. So, while things were downloading, I reimaged computers as people were leaving. I packed things up, got the Regus space ready for the leave.

Keys and badges were being dropped off by Emily, so I didn’t have to worry about it.

Dan left for the airport and I was still in the Regus space. Janet and Lisa were doing shopping. Things were getting done and I am stuck in Regus, trying to revive my computer.

I made a boot disk through bootcamp, but it didn’t work. I made another boot disk/usb using a windows tool and still, both times, the laptop still wouldn’t boot up.

Emails were exchanged. A mini was being overnighted to me, with Windows 7. That alleviate some of the stress, but I was still a little annoyed. All at the same time while I was in Regus, no one was in the new space to get the USP shipment that I was expecting. It was a shit show.

The day fucking blew. It fucking blew. Benjamin said that if I needed to get a new laptop, they’d gladly expense it. I couldn’t, because it is mine that I was using and I felt bad.

I found out how to get the laptop to boot to the USB. I had to change some bios settings.

Windows 10 was installing. It went through the whole installation process, copying files, expanding files, installing features. The whole shabam. Then when it boots back up, it shuts right back down.

It’s not working.

I gave up.

I had to get back to the Regus space.

The UPS guy was gone. I missed the delivery. I got in touch with UPS and they said I could go to the warehouse to pick up the package or I can meet the truck driver somewhere. I opted to meet the truck driver. I found him and apparently, it was two heavy boxes. I was more than ready to figure out how to get the two boxes back the three blocks.

Thankfully, the driver said he’d drive back at the end of the day to drop them off. I waited and he was a man of his word.

I got the mini. I got the keyboard, mouse, monitor. I got everything.

I set things up and I rewired the switch to correspond to the wall ports.

I got out at a reasonable hour. I went to dinner at Oak & Char, just because it was right near the office and I didn’t want to go that far after the day that I had. I went back to the hotel and dropped off my shit and went back to the restaurant.

The food was good. It was a spendy dinner. The first of many spendy dinners that I had during my stay in Chicago. After dinner, I decided to go to Best Buy to find a laptop to buy, to replace this beast that I am writing on now.

I couldn’t find one that I would like to buy, but there were options available if I needed something that I’d be okay with. I decided to walk to Office Depot to see what they had and it wasn’t good. Had an accident and so I walked back to the hotel and called it a night.

I’m sure it was the fatty bone marrow. My body hadn’t had that much fat in a while.

So, as an insane person, I tried over and over and over again to install Windows on my laptop to get it back up and running. After a few more blogs and a few more changes, I was finally back up.

It took fucking all night, but I was back up.

Friday.

Movers were scheduled to go to the Regus space at 7 in the morning to get everything up and ready and I got in early to the new space to get ready for it. While I was waiting, I installed the drivers and prepped my machine to get it back and running. Office. VPN. Drivers. everything. It was up and running, almost like new.

Movers never came. Plans changed and they were supposed to get there at 11 now. Instead of Janet being there, I had to meet them.

I got to Regus just in time to tell the movers what needed to be moved. I also met the Konica guys who were moving the printers, while Janet and Lisa were back in the main office managing the receiving end.

After everything got moved over, I walked my ass back to the new space. Janet and Lisa were going to go shopping again.

The IMG guys were brought up the circuit to the office. The TVs were being mounted. I got them to screw the digital signage system into the TV. Things were moving.

The circuit biscuits were ready to go. Windstream tech was coming out at 3pm.

I was unpacking and setting up the machines, and moving the printers into place. Things were going.

I received the macbook air. The mini was setup in the conference room. The conference table wiring had to be redone just a smidge, but it was all good and done.

It was all on the network. If things get up, I would be on schedule for the office up and running on Monday.

Nope. Again, Windstream fucked up. The tech fucked up. Dan was getting angry, frustrated, and gave up.

They didn’t have the proper crossover cables, which no one on my team understand why. Why couldn’t they just make them or why don’t they have a stash of them readily available since they need them to do their fucking job. Nope. Nothing.

They said they’d have to send it out and it probably won’t get there until Tuesday or Wednesday at the earlier. I leave on Tuesday and I still haven’t finished anything yet.

I asked if I had to extend my stay. I explained to them what I had to do and told them if that’s the time line you are giving me, I had to extend my stay. I asked them if they could confirm, and that’s the timeline that they gave me.

I emailed Paula and Benjo about extending my trip.

I called Benjo, per his request, and explained to him what’s happening and he said if there’s anything that Carel can do. His idea was for me to go home on schedule and to send Carel out to finish.

I didn’t like the plan because there’s so many things that needed to be done on the server side and I felt more comfortable doing it. I see where he’s coming from, not wanting me to put Pickles in boarding any longer than necessary, but I didn’t feel comfortable with Carel finishing up my work, even if it is me working through him.

Dan fought for me to stay, feeling more comfortable with me being there and I told Benjo that I’d think it over and let him know on Monday.

All in all, we ended Friday night with a 1mb pipe running and they can’t talk back to the server. I took pictures of the cross over cable and then we called it a night.

I went to dinner at Dolce, the restaurant right next door to the hotel, because it was fucking late when I got out of work and I was tired. The whole time, I tried to figure out how to get everyone up and running and being able to work while they come in on Monday.

It was a long fucking night. I was definitely annoyed by the whole situation and Benjamin was definitely annoyed by everything also. I definitely didn’t sleep well that night, plus my bro was flying in the next evening.

I went into the office with a plan the next day. I definitely didn’t anticipate staying the whole day. I just wanted to see what I could do with the limited network that we had. But when I got in, the 1mb pipe that we had was down.

I shot an email to the Chicago team, letting them know that we are down and they had no network. Not much they could do.

I went to Office Depot to get a regular crossover cable to see if that would like up the Heterix, but it didn’t. Benjo called to speak with me and to see what is happening, or ask how I was doing. At that point in the morning, I had reached a sense of calm. I was zen. Everything was out of my hands and there’s nothing for me to do.

I shot an email out to the Chicago office updating them on status of the new space. I lulled them in, giving them the good news first; we are out of Regus! Hallelujah, we are out of Regus, but unfortunately we don’t have network. Eventually, we worked it out that we will have two or three mifis to work off of.

With that in mind, I created a new local profile on their computer, moved all of their old profile documents over and then that was it. They’ll be working like they had been for the past year in Regus. VPN in and getting files that way.

Afterwards, I spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth with CDW and coming up with a plan to make my own cross over cables. It took me a few hours, but I eventually got them done. Then I called Windstream to get some technical help, hopefully to get someone on site. So a ticket was created and I wouldn’t hear anything until the morning.

Hien was coming that night and I met him at the hotel. More on my bro’s stay later.

Sunday came around and I went to the office for a quick checkup of the network. Still down and I don’t know why or how it is supposed to work. Emails were sent updating people and then Brent, a VP from Windstream called me and I filled him in on the situation. I updated him on the ticket that I created, that they couldn’t get any updates on what is happening and I’ll have to wait until Monday. Brent made some calls and emails and then called me back telling me that he’s getting people on it and that I’ll just have to wait till Monday.

I decided to stick around the office, or close to the office or transit where I can get back easily, so Hien went off on his own while I did my own thing.

Monday rolled around and I got in early also. Double checking the network again and still no dice. I waited for the people to come in and set up whatever they needed to set up to work on the limited set up. It was definitely a small but busy day. Helping people unpack and then helping the account team get ready for their meeting. Tried to get a printer working since the big Konica is broken. A service call was sent in to get that fixed, but nothing came of it until Wednesday.

So the day went on and on and people were unpacked and their desk was all perfect and then I got a call from the Windstream Account Manager. They have the cables and the tech will be out later that day.

He came during lunch and I met him afterwards. When I got there, the wires were all plugged in. So, the hookup is that the crossover cables come out from the biscuits into the T1 splitters into regular cat-5 cables to the heterix. Wham….network.

So, with our 10mb pipe, which still isn’t what we ordered, I was able to get the rest of my job done.

In a span of a few hours in the afternoon and an hour in the night, I was able to get the server all up and running, the dhcp working, the folder permissions set and user profiles working and set up the robocopies.

I shot off an email letting everyone know that we are up and running and then called it a night.

Tuesday came and I fixed whatever remaining problems new users will have and the same for Wednesday. I tried to anticipate problems or come up with things and test things to make sure they work, so I can feel better when I leave. I tested the deploystudio and that was broken. I worked with Nick to get that setup, but unfortunately, that shit’s just broken.

Then my time in Chicago came to an end and I left feeling good that everything for the most part is up and running. Carel was coming out early next week to finish up whatever is remaining, which isn’t much and could have been done pretty much remotely from SM. But we are done.

I left Chicago, with even more love in the city.

Ahh Chicago. My beloved. Even with all this shit, leaving a bad taste in my mouth, you still fill my heart with glee.

* * *

My bro’s first time.

So I met Hien back at the hotel on and we chilled for about an hour before we headed to dinner. I had to rest after the long day’s work and it was just a little too early for dinner. We managed to get reservations at Burke’s Primehouse for that night.

So, that was our first dinner. It was good. Better than the last time I had it. It was an expensive dinner, but then again, that is usually what happens with me at Chicago. After dinner, we walked around downtown a little bit, me showing him around the area and then I showed him Eataly. We had dessert there. Gelato. I love me some Eataly.

The next day, because I had to work, our plan was to go get some lunch. Au Cheval. That burger. I loved it. So good. As good as I remembered. The wait was about an hour and a half for a table, but we managed to grab a spot at the bar. 10 minutes. Well worth it for me.

He liked the burger, but he felt that it was too greasy, which I had zero problems with. Afterwards, I went back to the hotel to gather my things and then we went our separate ways. I had to stick close enough to the office in case things start happening. My bro’s plan, just walk north. He headed to the zoo and then to Wrigley Field.

I made my way to Museum Campus, walking along the shore and the river walk. It was a great walk and it was just a great moment to zen out, not think about work and just relax a little bit, enjoying the sun and the skyline. Relaxing indeed.

I walked back to the hotel, taking my time, enjoying the views and Hien started his way back from Wrigley.

Dinner was to Beoufhaus. It was good. Really good. Looking back, it was probably the best complete meal that we had. We took an uber. It’s in an area of Chicago I had never been, close to Logan Square and in Ukranian Village.

As we rode there, I kept thinking, where are we? This area looks very cool and awesome and I’m like, wow, I can totally see myself living here. Apparently this is where Liz lives.

One thing that I’ve always noticed about the people in Chicago is how nice they are. Albeit it was a slow night for the wait staff, but the waiters at Beoufhaus were very attentive and were very helpful on recommending places for us to eat. While Hien was in the restroom, I asked one of the waiters if he had any recommendation and he just spouted off restaurants and bars.

Great dinner. Great vibe. Great atmosphere. After dinner, we went to a bar just down the street that one of the waiters recommended. It was a chill, a little divey, and just perfect for me. Got me a Jameson, but Hien didn’t drink. I was very surprised that he wanted to go though. I was expecting that he would just want to go back to the hotel like he normally would. But he stayed for a drink and then we ubered it back. Then we went to Portillo’s. Chicago dogs is obligatory. His first.

The next day, I was at work but my bro’s plan was to do the Museums. He went to get some coffee and then walked along the Lake Shore to the Planetarium, enjoyed the view and then went to Shedd’s museum. I loved the museum, blown away by it and the dinosaurs. Then he ubered it to get lunch….Blackwood BBQ and best brisket ever. Then he went to the Art Institute. Probably my favorite museum that I’ve been to.

It’s huge and he didn’t finish. He only got through half of it, the Modern wing.

We met up for dinner, a train ride to the West Loop area and went to The Publican. The food was good, but there were many dishes that tasted the same, with the strong taste of fennel, but the best dish of the whole trip was probably the Cuttlefish Ink Pasta. Oh man, that was good, in a simple pesto sauce with Italian sausage. So so good.

After dinner, I walked back to the office to finish up while he went to Eataly to get some dessert.

Then, after work, an hour later, we went to get some Shake Shack.

Disappointed. Maybe it is from all of the hype, people raving about it, but I really thought it was just whatever. I don’t get it. In-‘n-Out all the way.

That was the night and that was my time with my bro. I asked him how he liked the city and he was civil about it, stating that he can’t come up with an opinion yet. He’ll have to come back again. Fucker. Love it like I love it. Love it.

* * *

Cloud.

Fortunately for me, with the extension of the trip, I got to hang out with Cloud.

She came to visit for a few days. She wanted to find out why I love Chicago so much and I think that she understands it now. She really liked Chicago too. It was her last trip before she starts her new job in the following week.

She came out alone and would meet up with friends later. So, I met her at Eataly, grabbed dinner and dessert. Afterwards, I showed her Snickers, my favorite dive bar. We chilled and just chatted and caught up and bullshitted. It was a great night just hanging out.

* * *

Chicago. How I love thee.

I fall for it every time I go. I get prompted to move there every time I visit. I should move there.

Could I get transferred out there? Probably, maybe, probably not. I’m more valuable back in SM. That would never fly.

But, I won’t know unless I ask. Who knows? Maybe.

It’ll always be there.

Who knows.

I know in the end, I really don’t care what most people think of me. They’ll come to whatever conclusion and judgement and perception on their own from hearsay or even firsthand experience and interaction. People are people and not everyone will like you. That’s life.

For the most part, it does seem that most everyone seems to like me or treat me friendly and what not. I never really gave any one reason hate me, for the most part. Sure there are quite a few out there I’m sure that actually does, but that’s how the dice roll.

One thing I am really really curious about is how to most people at work generally think of me? What is their perception of me? Besides those in my department, there aren’t many in the company that I talk and chat with on a regular basis. Thinking about it, besides Christa, Lisette, and CC, there really isn’t any.

I don’t make my usual stops and chat like I do when B5 or even when Ms. D was there. No more. No more little stops to re-up with chats. No…no more.

So, curious. What do they all think?

Many people at work are all smiles and hellos when they see me. I’m sure most of them are very nice and they kind of have to be nice because I have to help them. Many others I’ve helped before and we’ve chatted our little small talks to pass the time, so, there’s a report, but what about the others that I haven’t helped?

There are a few that I’ve never helped or I have never interacted with that would just see me and say hi. What is that about?

I guess what I’m trying to say is when did girls start noticing me? When? It seems that they’ve been blind to me for so long, that I’ve lost hope and got comfortable with being on my own, living my life in a trajectory that doesn’t allow for them. I think even before my last relationship, I felt the same way, that relationships and me just don’t mix.

I’m not a relationship guy. I don’t function that way. I’m an independent, be on my own guy. That’s me. That’s what I’ve finally become because after so long with trying to find someone, dating people, and dating in general and having it all suck, I’ve moved past it. But now, it just seems girls are just noticing me.

But then, I’m stupid with girls. I never know what they are thinking and I always mistaken friendliness with attention and that’s always bad. In a way, it is a double-edge sword for me. Sure they are nice and since I’ve made so many mistakes in confusing the two, believing that they were attention when in fact that they were just nice, I now on auto put all girl’s attention to the friendly category and not the attention category.

It’s unfair, but I’m just playing shit safe. really safe.

But again, most of these girls don’t know me. Our interactions are very limited, whether it is me just saying hi and then proceeding to help them with their problem or some get a little chit-chat here and there, but that is it. Nothing more.

I’m trying to imagine what they see, get into their POV and their perspective. What do they really know or can tell about me?

Not much.

* * *

Here’s what I imagine their perception of me is.

They will automatically think I’m kind of smart since I work in IT and I’m able to fix and figure out to fix their computer. So, with that, comes a little nerdiness.

Next, I’m just the guy who walks around the office always humming a song. I’m always humming something that they can’t make out. They wonder if it is a song that I made up or of it is something else, and they don’t know why. They just know that I always do.

For the most part, they think I’m nice and friendly whenever I work with them or try to fix their issue.

I’m the guy that carries a camera with him at all times and they don’t know why.

Some may see me just skipping around the office.

Others will see me with my resting asshole face. I wonder how many people think I’m highly unapproachable?

Many will think I’m a total hipster because of my man bun and many will probably think I don’t give a fuck what other people think of who I am or how I dress because of what I do with my long hair, putting it in a man bun or even double buns or just doing fuck crazy shit with my hair.

Many might find me awkward at happy hours or generally just wandering alone.

Some might think I’m loud.

I’m sure many think I’m weird or creepy. I’m not sure why, but I think a handful might. Just putting that out there.

I’m sure there are a few other superficial things or just external behavioral things that I’m missing.

* * *

Sure, a lot of it is spot on. I’m sure a I am close to what they see me, but that’s it. How can one come to a conclusion as to what type of person one can be if it is only presented like that with minimal interaction and no talking?

I wonder what they think?

Again, not many in the office know how I am like or know me really that well, besides what I present or what they see.

Like, I’m sure with everyone I interacted with, there’s a whole other side of them that I know absolutely nothing about. Absolutely nothing.

All in all, what I’ve been noticing is very interesting.

They are all smiles and wandering eyes. They are all friendly with their hi’s and their heys.

When did it all start to happen?

Traveling for work.

I honestly do enjoy it. I love it because I am so focused on the work. There’s a direction and in a way, a checklist of what i have to do.

I go in and just go through the checklist and don’t quit until everything is done.

That’s how it was while I was on the latest trip to Dallas and Moorestown. They were getting a new server set up. Went in, racked that beast, get it setup on the network and it was all easy peasy from there.

The server bit isn’t the big issues. It’s the little things that you don’t think of, the troubleshooting that has to happen after each setup and such.

But it was tiring. The long listless flights with no exercise. The lack of sleep in hotel rooms and the long long days. I got sick and fatigued during the trip. Most nights I didn’t want to go out and do anything, but just go back to the hotel, get some food and pass out and that’s what happened.

I didn’t explore Dallas on my last night there. Not that I was too tired, but there’s a traffic nightmare situation that didn’t sound too appealing for me. They were shooting Hulu’s adaptation of Stephen King’s 11/22/63. Yeah, not going to downtown to explore that.

* * *

It’s been a week and it was another long and busy one, but let’s continue.

So, Dallas was easy. Whatever small mistakes I made there, I corrected in Moorestown. That one was easy also, with a few small other things I had to take care of in the office.

Overall, the upgrades were a success. It was tiring, sure, but a success and fun none-the-less. It was actually good to be able to focus and know what I need to do and have a checklist of things I need to accomplish. I miss that. I need a little more direction and I guess these short pressured trips are good for me.

I’m sure Chicago will be the same. I already have a game plan that I hope to stick to.

After finishing up Moorestown, it left a few hours early to visit 5th Uncle/Auntie and then stay at 1st Auntie/Uncle’s.

This was the first time I saw 5th uncle since Linda’s wedding and during that time he got really sick and was in hospice care for a while. He looks really weak and really skinny. He lost a lot of wait, old and gray. Sad.

5th Auntie looks good though. Healthy and energetic for a woman of her age.

Of course my time with 5th uncle isn’t’ complete without a lecture and not so gentle prodding of my love life and when I’m going to have children. Not a fan of that talk, but I humor him. I have to. He’s an elder, and he’s family. I just let it be and I tell him I’m still young. Lots of time.

I left about an hour or so, seeing that he was so tired. I didn’t want to interrupt his rest and then I headed over to 1st Aunties. I sat and chatted with her and uncle for a bit and then Yen came over and then we chatted. We had dinner with Linda and Sung and Liam and then we just chilled and chatted.

It was a nice little thing to be hanging with family, especially family I haven’t seen in such a long time to complete that very long and tiring week.

* * *

Back to work. Back to the grind.

The first few days wasn’t that bad at all. It was a typical work day, but of course there are the remodeling moves that were going to happen mid-week. I didn’t stay to help the bagging and tagging on Wednesday night, but I did come in a little early on Thursday to help with the setups and to troubleshoot if anything went wrong.

Thursday was fucking long as day. I believe I hit 10K steps well before 10AM and the steps just kept growing. By the time I left the office at my usual time, I was already at 30K. I decided to come back to help with the bagging and tagging of the 2nd floor and that was long and kind of frustrating. I didn’t even see the movers at all, plus the whole setting up other people who could have waited until the morning.

All of the users’ stuff were on the carts and I’m just running around from cart to cart trying to find their stuff and it was just long, tiring, and frustrating way to do things. I decided to just pull things that needed to be pulled off per cart and then drop them off in the cubes and then do it that way. So much easier and efficient.

By 8:30, I was heading home. It was a long ass day. I ended it with over 42K steps. 20 miles. 20 fucking miles in a day, and it was mostly work. Sure, I had my typical walking around campus mixed in, but fucking 20 miles. Long and tiring.

Friday morning was no different. I went in a little early to help the 2nd floor and again, it was pretty much done by the time I got there. Again, there were the typical issues of bad ports and poor setups, which I helped fixed along with the big rush of getting the Yamada meeting ready. I did my small part and that was that.

30K steps before leaving the office. Long long long past couple of days. I could barely walk by the end of it. Horrible.

Now, I rest. I chill and rest, lounging in this not so comfortable chair, doing my weekly writing session to clear my mind and to relax. I’m patiently waiting for my therapy later this afternoon, cooking a very meaty and hearty bolognese.

I’m looking forward to it.

I have Chicago next week. It’ll be a long week where I anticipate that it’ll be a very busy day from Wednesday morning to Friday night or even a little Saturday morning.

My bro will be out Saturday night and we have half the weekend to chill then I’ll head back to work on Monday whilst he explores alone and then flying home on Tuesday.

It’ll be fun. I’m looking forward to it.

Not because it is Chicago, but going back to the whole being focus and knowing what I need to do and just doing it. Knocking out my tasks and just getting things done.

There will be a few unexpected things I’m sure, and hopefully I’ll be able to fix them on the fly. For the most part, a huge chunk of my job relies on other people, Dan getting the network up, Nick prepping the mac mini, the movers moving everything in.

Checklist and checklists.

Which reminds me, I need to make a checklist of things I need to do in Chicago.

* * *

Checklist done. It’s a long one, for there’s quite a bit that needs to be done. I have more than enough time to finish everything by myself.

Excited to go and get things done and then I can go explore and relax and enjoy my beloved Chicago.

Another thing I’m excited about, which may or may not happen, is to hang out with my bro and to show him around Chicago and hope that he understands why I love Chicago as much as I do, and maybe fall in love with it himself.

Chicago is a very very special city and I want everyone to experience it and love it too.

* * *

Traveling.

My traveling for this year seems to be winding down. After Chicago this coming week, I’ll just have South Carolina left and then I have nothing else planned.

The main reason is that I feel that I have traveled so much this year, that it was unfair to Pickles that he didn’t get to come and that I had to board him so much. It’s good that I stay with him or that if I plan my next trip, that I’ll see if I can bring him with me.

I’ll be here over the next two big holidays. I’m tired. This year started out to be a non-family year. It was a year of solo independence and it was.

Sure there was definitely a lot of family time mixed in with the wedding and the memorial, but all in all, it was a time of just me and so far I am loving it.

I’m sure I’ll reiterate the same sentiments come time for my yearly Bah Humbug entry this year, but this year is definitely one of my favorite ones.

Why are these people just standing here, in the middle of the shop taking it over like it is a place to just congregate? That’s just fucking rude. Sit the fuck down or something. Just sit the fuck down or fucking leave.

I’m annoyed and fuck damn man. Just fuck damn.

Definitely annoyed today. Definitely tired today. Definitely still sick today.

Fuck.

* * *

Back to it. Back to writing. The horde left, not taking up space and being rude and inconsiderate.

Just angry and annoyed. Very easily annoyed when I’m sick. No patience. Man, how I have changed with this. I use to be very civil and polite when I’m sick, not so much anymore. No so much anymore.

I’m getting ready for my week long business trip to Dallas and Moorestown. Everything is there for me to just go and take care of. Hopefully things go smoothly and I get everything under control and taken care of. I have a few days at each location, working late nights getting everything ready.

I’m sure everything will be fine. I got a checklist of all the things that I have to do and I think I’ll be able to manage it.

It should be an interesting trip. I haven’t been out to these offices in a while. No one’s been out to these offices in a while. The last trip was by Steve and Dan. Something wasn’t done right with the Moorestown server, hence they aren’t able to install printers without issues. Hopefully I can fix.

I just want things to run smoothly.

* * *

I got sick the other day. Caught some kind of bug that was going around. Fever and just fatigued. The similar cold that I get at my old age. It wasn’t fun and it seems to be spreading. I’m still recovering and still feeling a little bit of it. Hopefully one more day of just rest will take care of it. Hopefully.

I took Thursday off. For the most part, all I did was eat, sleep, sweated, and theraflued that bitch up. Felt better on Friday. Went to work and took care of business. Got all the Chicago out and shipped off. Took care of some finance stuff and the little things here and there. I was a beast.

Surprisingly it was a 20,000 step day in the office. Haven’t had one of those in a while, but I welcome it after a disappointed step day while I was sick. Today will be a disappointing step day also.

* * *

Looking back at the sickness, I’m sure it was a result of me going out a little more these pass couple of weeks. Nights out drinking and socializing and being around people and germs. Nights out with Dan and days out with Ana, just chilling. Germs. My body isn’t ready for them. So not ready for them.

* * *

Chicago.

My beloved.

I’ll be reunited with it in a few short weeks. I’ll be out, setting up the new office, taking care of business with Dan. So looking forward to just being in that city again.

I’m trying to get my bro out, but he’s not sure if he can get the time off. He should try. Definitely should try.

It’ll be a busy busy few days in Chicago. Definitely a lot of work that I’ll have to do, but manageable.

I’ll be a solo trip in a sense. I’ll overlap Dan for like two days and then it is all on me. No Carel. He doesn’t need to be there because there really isn’t much that he needs to do.

Not much at all.

* * *

Just trying to focus on my trips and not much else.

Girls come and go in my head, latching onto my thoughts and my heart, but I can’t focus on it. I can’t, because it just isn’t feasible for some reason.

New crush.

I know nothing about it. Really, nothing about her.

But she’s been really friendly the couple of times that I’ve seen her. Still haven’t talked to her, besides Hi.

Yeah, I got game.

Loser.

* * *

’cause you are the piece of me/i wish i didn’t need

You are. You are constantly in my mind. It fantasizes, wondering what happened. Where is he? What is going on in your life? It wonders and wonders all about you when it should have forgotten you years ago. But you are still there, like a virus of the mind, eating away in my thoughts.

All that I can hope for is that one day, you will not be in my thoughts anymore. Your likes would mean nothing to me instead of me falling for it all the time, validating my existence.

I don’t need you. I don’t need this.

Leave me be.

Free my thoughts.

Shake them out.

Go.

* * *

Let’s start again. Let’s start anew.

My wandering mind can’t focus on anything as of late. It had become another weekend where my story goes unfinished. All that I have to show for were two sentences and a little diatribe for today.

Maybe it is the heat that is getting to me or maybe I just feel really tired on the weekend. I’m not sure, but it definitely is something.

It’s been unusually hot here this past summer. I don’t remember the last time that I had to use the ceiling fan so much. My electric bill will be astronomical. It’s crazy. Damn global warming. Damn it all.

* * *

Creep.

Stop it. Just stop it. Go about your day as you normally would. Just stop it.

Get your steps in. Don’t go out of your way. Don’t make excuses.

Just don’t.

Stop it.

Stop.

* * *

Tired. Yawny yawn.

So much yawning today. So tired today and I don’t understand it.

I slept at a reasonable time last night and woke up possibly no more than 30 minutes after I normally do. So, I don’t understand why I am so tired this morning.

It’s the heat. Maybe it is the heat. I have no idea, but it definitely is something.

It’s the weekend. I’m usually tired on the weekends for some reason.

I have become more active; taking the longer walks in the morning. It also has to do with the low/no carb diet that I am currently on. It could be, but I have cheated this weekend, so I still don’t understand why I am so tired.

Maybe it is mental.

I’m mental.

Procrastination.

I don’t know where it is coming from but I definitely do put stuff off, not wanting to take care of it or do it. These aren’t big rush rush projects, but things that can be taken care of at my own pace and I think that’s where the danger is, my own pace.

I need deadlines. I need to be proactive and make deadlines. I’m horrible at it.

Soon, I’ll get back to it. Soon, I’ll get back to the SharePoint project and move things over.

No more excuses.

Just do it.

* * *

It’s already mid-September.

Zoom zoom, this year had gone by so fast.

Sure I had many trips and vacations and little travels throughout the year and it helped in speeding up the year, but man, it’s crazy that it is already mid-September.

Soon, it’ll be December and we’ll be on break.

After October, our fiscal year, things will start to get slower for us and with the losses that we suffered recently, things will definitely be very slow.

It’s another uncertain time for us. It’s another one of times for us again. We thought things were looking up, but it seems status quo for us is two steps forward, one step back.

Welcome to our new agency life.

* * *

Travel.

I have a few business trips coming up in the next month or two and then my last vacation of the year is to South Carolina to visit the Carters and then I’ll be done.

Around this time last year, I had already bought my tickets home for the holiday break, but not this year. Also, I had been thinking of going to Iceland and finally finalized it in November when I bought my ticket.

What will happen this year? I am not sure yet. I am not sure what I’m going to do or where to go for Christmas break or even for any trips in the coming year. It’s wide open.

I want to go to Myanmar/Burma. It’s not a trip that my brother want to do, so that’ll be a solo trip. I need more solo trips. Maybe it’ll be that. I’m not sure yet.

Haven’t decided yet, but I really do want to do Europe or somewhere non-Asian. Who know what is for me next year. It’s so far away, but it really isn’t.

Everything is up in the air and I probably won’t act until I need to or when I have fully committed to it. Whenever that is.

* * *

He walked swift through the halls of the office, always accompanied by a self-made melody. No one could make out what exactly he was humming, but it was always something. Was that a hint of Britney or even Foster the People or maybe some old school Beatles? No one really knew. Some would ask him about it and he’d always answer that it is the last thing that he listened to, whatever that was. Iggy or maybe Beyoncé?

Today was no different than any other day. The Hummer ambled along by me with the slight out of tune hum of a familiar melody. “Hey,” I said. “Hey” was all he managed and then he’s gone. The faint hum quieted and soon it was replaced by another familiar hum, that of the air conditioning system. Such a mystery and no one really knew much about him. Someone needed to figure him out and let the world know the mystery that was the hummer. Someone needed to do it and I had decided that it might as well be me.

* * *

Started on a new short story today. I thought I would just come in and just start writing, but then I stopped. My mind started to wander and I lost my train of thought as I started to surf the internet and did other things. I get so easily distracted now or maybe things are just so random in my head that I can’t focus on anything or maybe today isn’t one of my normal days because I plan on leaving a little early to get to a short film festival in Hollywood later.

There are just so many reasons as to why I can’t write. I still haven’t finished my other short story yet and here I am starting another one. One thing at a time man, one thing at a time.

I still need to refocus back on my scripts too. I’m so lazy that all I want to do is just sit home and watch tv. Maybe I just need to come up with a schedule like how Scott writes 20 minutes or so a day after work in the library. That’s maybe one thing that I have to do, since I’m waking up earlier and earlier now. Who knows what will happen.

* * *

It’s a new day and all I did for the first half of this writing session was read over my last section for The Gentle Listener, catching myself up, getting back into the flow of the story and then just stared at the last paragraph over and over again.

Then, my mind wandered to Spotify, me finding some new c-pop playlists and then hearing some Jacky Cheung and then me finding some Jacky Cheung playlists.

This is where I am now, listening to some Jacky Cheung and fucking around, so I decided why not just blog instead. Just why not.

* * *

There was a little surprised today when I walked into Volcano and saw that Iris was working. Plus in my book and then another plus was the finding of some Jacky Cheung on Spotify. There’s one album that is available for streaming, so I’ll have to check it out. It’s a live album, and most likely it’ll be all new music that I never heard before.

I love love his old stuff. They are classic and I just love them.

* * *

Today just isn’t a good day on the writing front. This whole weekend just isn’t a good day. I don’t understand it. Maybe the weird schedule from yesterday threw me off

Just maybe.

My mind just wants to wander today. It seems to just want to wander all the time and put aside the work that I have to do and not finish anything. So weird. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t focus on anything.

It’s not as bad as before therapy, but it’s there.

Maybe I’m just wanting to sit back and listen to the nostalgia that is blasting through my ears, letting my mind wander, tripping back to better times, different times, and other times.

Man, these songs just flood me with warmth and happiness from a different time, which is a little weird since they were such an angsty time for me. High school. College. They weren’t the happiest of times for me, but this music just gives me the hearty feels.

Maybe it was just that it was a time when we were all together. My family was together. There hadn’t been any big deaths in the family. Grandparents were still alive, my dad was still here, uncles and aunt.

It was a different time back then.

Songs. Nostalgia. How we these soft melodies get attached to random memories and feelings.

I’m laying on that burgundy maroon purple couch in the living room, plugged into my little Sanyo cd player and just listening to the music. Not watching tv. Not even reading. Just listening to the music.

And now, I get the angst of that time. The isolation and alienation I felt at school. I was so lonely and it comes through to the music.

Music attached itself to a different time, to a different me.

Man, how have I changed? I’m a different man. I’m a different person.

Growth.

Maybe that’s the thing about nostalgia. It doesn’t become nostalgia until you have become something else from the time of these memories. Maybe.

I wonder how I’ll react to the music I listen now in the future? What kind of nostalgic memories would they bring to mind? What kind of feelings?

* * *

Today just isn’t one of those good writing days.

Nothing more than empty sheets between our love.

I got nothing. I have nothing to say, but I’m just going to finger tap anyway. I need to put my fingers through drills and exercises to loosen it up, so I won’t cramp up during my marathon sessions of writing.

That’s not going to happen. There aren’t going to be any marathon sessions. I’m in a serious mental drought of trying to brainstorm and figure out the ending of my story. In a way, it feels that I should be done. I had originally planned it that way, but it seemed that the story took on a new ending or expanded into something a little more.

I’m just torn in a way on trying to figure out what to write, how to write, where to write, when to write.

I’m on a total writing cluster fuck.

* * *

Another one bites the dust as he packed up this morning and went on his merry way to the valley of Yosemite.

That lucky bastard. Wish him the best of luck in pursuing his dream of becoming a Ranger.

* * *

Let’s start over, let’s start again.

For the longest time, I haven’t seen one of the usual boba girls working here. She changed to a different schedule. It’s her 9-5 while she goes to school. Her schedule conflicts with my 9-5. I’m here on the weekend mornings and she’s, I’m assuming weekdays or in the afternoon or evening shifts, if she works on the weekends.

It wasn’t until a few Tuesdays ago that I saw her again. I stayed home sick from just fatigue. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the new diet I started and I had zero energy to go to work.

I went to Volcano on my usual time, not expecting much of anything. She wasn’t there to open, so I thought of nothing else but doing my writing. I don’t even remember what I wrote about that day. Did I work on my short prose or did I write a little entry? I don’t remember.

Halfway through my session, to my surprise she came bursting in the door. She scanned the shop and spotted me and stopped in surprise. Her face lit up, happy to see me as my face lit up, happy to see her.

She’s cute.

We exchanged our pleasantries and how we haven’t seen each other in a long time.

Then instead of going to the back and getting ready for work, she stopped for a minute and told me how she and her mom went on a road trip like I have asked her what she was doing and why she was gone. She drove her mom to the Grand Canyon and through Arizona. She also told me how her mom just left a few days before.

I thought it was just so random and strange, but a little cute.

Then she went to work and I thought it’ll be another few months before I see her again, but for some reason she came in on a late morning shift on either Saturday or Sunday of last week. Random.

Life is so random.

* * *

This Girl is on Fireeeee

I’ve been off of my no/low carb diet for about a week. I’ve already gained back five out of the 15 pounds that I lost. It was tough to give up the carbs, but now I have to get back on it. It’ll be tough, but it’ll be good.

I do miss carbs. I do miss bread. Rice. Pasta. Beer.

But I have to be good. I don’t see any new social engagements in the near future that I will participate in. It’ll be a good time to get back on my diet again.

Eventually, it’ll just be a part of my life, a new way of life, a different way of eating. Eventually it’ll just be low carbs.

Hungry.

Right now, I’m actually not. Had a huge dinner last night. Way too many calories. I was way over budget, but in the end, everything will even out and it’ll be fine.

* * *

I have decided not to fly home this Christmas break. I’m sure I wrote about this, but after flying to the Carter’s for Veteran’s day, I should be done with traveling. It’s just unfair for Pickles. I’d boarded him so many times this year because of my travels. It’s done. No more.

Also, it just fits the theme for me this year, being on my own and doing my own thing. Sure there were a few family moments with Dat’s wedding and then uncle’s memorial. Those fit the family quota. No more.

It’ll just be me finding time to do things later in the year. I get a one week staycation of doing nothing. I’m so looking forward to it.

* * *

We lost the digital business. I have no idea what is going to happen. No idea and it’s a little worrisome for many, but it’s out of my hands.

Whatever happens, happens.

* * *

I’m running out of things to say. I’m running out of things to write about.

This is what happens when nothing is going on in your life, when you are angst free and pretty much drama free.

Quiet life. Zen life.

Serenity now.

One of us is down, all packed up and getting on a plane to fly home. She’s leaving the life that she lived the past 10 years behind to go back to a new life that mixes parts of the two old worlds that she had built for herself.

Yen leaves today for Philly. She’ll still be employed out here, but works remotely. It’s not a bad gig and it’s good that her bosses and job allow her to do that. If my job lets me work remotely, I’ll most likely make a new start in my beloved, Chicago.

But that’s just a dream and reality is that I’m set in my old man ways and I’m content with my life here in scorching SoCal. It works for me and I don’t mind it. Tis the life I had made for myself.

It was one final night, meeting up with Jun and Robert also, saying our good byes at the OC Westminster night market. I had some good Viet food that wrecked my diet and I’m okay with that.

It was a long long day of being hungry, but at the end it was worth it. Now, today, I’m hungover with fatigue and a tiredness that I haven’t felt in a while. It happens when I miss my bedtime.

Now, I have to somehow take the time and get back to a normal sleeping schedule again, with naps and early nights. It happens.

* * *

Tired. Just tired today.

It is another perfect weekend of not really doing anything. Just relax, iron some clothes, do some cooking and rest up as I will have to drive out to the valley tomorrow to do some IT work for an old coworker. Seems like my name is making the rounds with a few old coworkers and they need IT help. It works and I’m okay with it. I make a little extra money on the side and I get to socialize a little bit.

Tired.

I need rest.

* * *

Another way to look at the situation, instead of losing someone to hang out with, it is one less person I should hang out with.

Anything to promote my hermit lifestyle. I’m okay with.

* * *

For some reason, Ms. D has been on my mind as of late. Well, for the past couple of days. I believe that it’s because I’ve seen pictures of her and for some reason, I just can’t shake her. I can’t get her out of my mind.

I should have let her go a long time ago and in a way, I have, but she keeps coming back.

It’ll never work out and I know that and yet, I don’t know. My mind gets wonky sometimes and I just can’t shake it.

C’est la vie. Time to move on.

I wonder how many times I have to say time to move on before I finally do?

Maybe when someone else comes along?

Keeping my eyes and options open while I go on living this independent antisocial life of mine.

That’s the way it has to be.

I just need to be open.

* * *

I don’t know whether that I’m getting older or I’m just so use to being alone, but damn, some kids are just fucking annoying.

I mean, I love kids. I love kids and I know I want kids, but man, some kids are just annoying. I know that they are just full of energy and sometimes there are some ADHD off the wall bonkers shit that they have zero control over, but holy hell, some fucking kids man.

No control and just let it go.

I’m just an old jaded bitter grumpy pants who’s very judgmental. It comes with my age. It’s bad and I know I need to change that.

Time to fix this as it is time to fix my diet as it is time to better myself again.

Time.

It is limited but it seems like we have forever.

* * *

I’m in control and I make my happiness.

I understand that. The choice is in my hands and mine to make and believe me, it tugs at me equally and it’s so difficult to come to a decision.

I guess what everyone says is right, that it’ll come when I’m ready for it and I honestly don’t think I am ready for it.

* * *

Heat heat heat.

It’s been a hot summer, or at least the last couple of days. The scorching heat offers now air and solace. It takes and drains my energy. I have nothing left.

I have no motivation to even go into work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Tired. Fatigued. It isn’t like the lack of iron, but more of the sick ilk. Seems like the next logical feeling would be the body sores.

Am I coming down with something or is it just the heat that is fucking me over? I don’t know.

It could also be the new diet I started. No carbs.

There were some slight cheats here and there, the KFC biscuit, but I’ve been carb free for two weeks now, going into my third. The last carb I had was July 31st.

In a way, this new diet is good. It forces me to think of other more interesting ways to cook and to eat after work. Otherwise, it’ll just be pasta or rice bowls or some stir fry. This forces me to think of alternatives that are not carb friendly.

The downside, I’m fucking hungry all the fucking time. All the fucking time. Hungry. Hangry.

It could also be a reason why I don’t have energy, but I don’t think so. It is most likely because of the heat. I’m betting that it is the heat and once it goes down, like it should in the next few days, I should be back to form on this new diet.

Now, it isn’t a full on change my life diet and this will be how I eat for the rest of my life kind of diet. No. It’s just a temporary one to get my body back to form, to not rely on carbs so much. I’ll imbibe and consume carbs when I start traveling again.

Hopefully I’ll learn from it and just eat less carbs. That’s the ultimate goal, to cut down on my carb intake. It’ll be difficult, ’cause I love to eat so much.

Carbs.

Bread. Pizza. Rice. Pasta. Sushi. Noodles. Carbs.

Oh man, I’m a carb eating machine.

Beer!

I miss carbs and I’ll be reunited again, soon.

* * *

The changing of the guards. The high turnaround of the customer service industry.

I’ve been coming to Volcano since ’04 or ’05 to write and I’ve seen so many boba girls and people come and go. Some stick around for a while and I’ve developed a rapport with some of them, but with the new changing of the guard, it’s hard to keep up.

There’s just so many people here that I don’t see that often because they come in at night or the afternoon or even work the weekday shifts. So different.

Gone are the Cathys, Kats, Cindies, and Irises and here are faces that are vaguely familiar. The usuals that work the random weekends that we’ll chat and say hi to, the formalities, but never really got their names.

I’m sure to them, I’m just the hoodie guy on the weekends with his unsweetened jasmine green tea.

But whatever may change, this is a habit of mine and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be quitting it any time soon. So bring on the new faces.

* * *

Hungry.

Food.

That’s all that I can think about as I eat on avg less than 2000 calories a day. I don’t know how much I eat on the regular, but maybe a little more than what I’m eating now, or maybe it is the same except that there are just no carbs.

Fucking carbs. Why are you so good, but so complicated?

Horrible.

I wake up and think about dinner. What should I make? How should I prepare the protein that I had taken out?

So many options. Craving Asian. Craving Chinese.

It’ll be something simple I’ll make tonight. I’ll cook for the rest of the week. It’ll be easy, since I don’t need to cook dinner on Friday, since I’m going out.

Easy peasy.

* * *

Iris is here! Haven’t seen her in a long ass time.

* * *