Merry Fucking Christmas!!!

I made it home, with a few small bumps here and there.

I had to work at the airport, which is fine, since I got there way way early anyway.

It was just the pickup that was a little annoying. There obviously was traffic, which he should have anticipated. We’ve been doing this for a few years now and yet, he leaves like there wouldn’t be any traffic. When he got close, instead of finding the closest place to me where he can pulls he, he fucking drives all the way to the end of the fucking airport and parks, ’cause there was no one there.

Fuck that. Inconsiderate asshole.

Hahhaa, I guess we all are dicks, and I see that his dickishness is coming out.

I guess it is only fair.

Bah Humbug!

Bah Humbug indeed.

* * *

Here I am at Asensio, my usual stomp whenever I’m up here in the PNW doing my yearly thing. I do love how the owners remember me. I’m sure they see many regulars on a daily basis, but they do remember me, the guy who only comes up to the PNW once or twice a year and will come to the coffee shop every morning for about a week or so.

I love that. There’s a sense of familiarity, friendliness, and community here.

* * *

It’s that time of the year again, my yearly diatribe. It’s here where I reflect and do my bah humbug to all.

2017.

Good riddance.

It’s been a shit show of a year. There were many surprises and adventures and there were many lessons learned and stressors.

It’s a year unlike any other year, but just a smidge towards the extreme.

2017 was a year that will be broken in half and each half was a shit show for different reasons.

The first half was a combination of work pressures and everything that happened with Relish. The second half is the ongoing SharePoint project. I finally got my head around it and have things under control, but there’s just a lot of work.

Right in the middle of these two shit shows was the demarcation line, the trip to the Rockies. It was a great end to the first half and the start of the second half.

I don’t know how this will flow, but I guess I’ll wing it.

So here goes, my bah humbug to all.

* * *

Again, it was unlike any other year. Life went on. Things happened. There were many adventures and made many stories.

It was life. My life was curated by me on my own terms.

Sure, life kind of threw its wretched wrench in there just to make it so things to so easily, but in the end, it was a trying year but a good year.

Maybe I jinxed myself in the past few years complaining that I have nothing to do at work, so they gave me this endless project.

This never-ending project.

I’m managing and we see the light.

Definitely, there’s light.

2017.

It was a year, which I learned to treat my body better. But with ever step forward and any forward momentum in getting healthier, of course there were many steps backwards.

That’s how it goes.

That’s how it goes.

I guess this is a good place to start.

* * *

2017.

It was another Year of Phong.

Sure, that takes on the same connotations that I’ve defined since the whole Year of Phong started, but there’s a little something more to it.

My health.

I tried to focus on my health this year. Not only my mental health, but my physical health too. I’m not talking about the going to the gym and getting swoll type of health, but more of the keeping my body relatively fit and trying to eat a little healthier so it doesn’t give out on me.

I started the year with doing yoga and running, but the running didn’t last as it hurt my knees after two days. The yoga didn’t last either especially when I got sick in February while I was doing the Whole30 diet.

Hopefully I can start again with the yoga come the New Year and maybe just working on weight training too.

I focused on trying to figure out my stomach ailments; especially the stomach cramps and gas pain since I came back from Italy.

IBS.

Doctor’s confirmed it and I now know that I can’t eat raw cabbage and even apples. I’ll have to investigate this more, but I need to stay away from high FODMAPs food.

Not every one of those foods will give me problems, but it’s good to know that I have a resource to refer to if problems happen again. I have control over things.

I wouldn’t say that I’m an unhealthy eater. I wouldn’t say that I’m a crunchy granola healthy eater either, but I do like to believe that I am a healthy eater.

For the most part, I cook all of my meals from scratch, well, let’s say about 80% of the time. I don’t eat much fast food or processed foods. Healthy, whole ingredients.

I’ve been doing this for a while and with the yearly food projects, it helps even more.

I’m trying to be healthy so that my body doesn’t give out on me at 45.

I can feel my bones popping and creaking.

I’m making an effort.

I’m going to the chiropractor to get a massage and get adjusted on a fairly regular schedule.

I walk a shit ton. I get on average about 18K steps a day and there will be days when I’m up to 28K steps.

Just active. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Floating.

Sensory deprivation.

I went floating for the first time earlier this year, in February and it was one of the most transformative things that I had ever done.

That feeling of total calm and Zen was addicting. I went again in November and again a last week and that same calm came over me. The last time left me with a calm anger annoyance, which was weird, but I have decided that I am going to start doing this regularly too.

I’ll focus on calm and meditate. It’s important.

Zen.

It’s important.

With everything that happened this year along with the workload and the pressures of managing the SharePoint project, I needed a way to relax.

Sure, cooking helped, but I turned to the bottle.

Whiskey. My drink of choice now.

I would drink to calm down. I’ll have wine with my dinner or given the opportunity, I’ll go out with some coworkers for happy hours if I’m invited and I would drink.

It’s not a great way to deal with stress. There’s nothing wrong with drinking, unless you have an addiction.

There’s something wrong with it if you use it as a crutch to help you deal with stress or even to help you calm the inner brain and anxieties that spring up.

That’s a lesson I’m learning this year. I know I touch upon the whole drinking thing from time to time in the void of mine, but I’m starting to learn that it’s an issue.

Whiskey blackouts.

That’s what I get. I think what did it for me was when I don’t remember pieces of the Christmas party because I was so shit faced and my belligerent behavior during the Spring Agency Meeting. Blackouts.

It’s a problem when you don’t remember being dismissive to a good coworker of yours, who’s also an SVP of the agency. I feel so bad.

It’s an issue and I guess it’s something I’ll work on in the future.

Don’t overdo it or find something else that works.

2018.

Let’s find another drink, shall we?

* * *

2017

Year of Phong

Riding Solo…yet again.

I’ve mentioned it time and time again on this here void that the past couple of years seem to be a reset to back when I first moved down here.

I continue to do my own thing and be on my own. I’ll go to the movies every week and run any errands I need to run, go to work, and just be home. Unlike then though, I have my furkids to keep me company.

Sure, I’ve come a long way since then; 16 and a half years can do that to a person.

With time, a conscious effort, a desire for growth, and a need to find some inner peace from the depression I had back then, I’ve changed a lot.

I’m in a better mental state and things that were so foreign and caused me anxiety seems so easy now.

2017.

It was another year where I attempted to do a Year of Yes again. Again, it was semi successful.

There were times when I would just forget that I’m doing and other times when I just didn’t want to go out.

Of course, it all depends if I ever get asked to do things in the first place.

Work stuff, in terms of actual things that pertains to my job; I’ll make a decision depending on what it is and what I can or cannot do.

But, I’m talking about things that affect me on a social or a personal level. That’s the point of this, right? To be more social? To interact? To be normal and to experience life outside my comfort zone?

Well, at least that’s what I think this whole exercise means to me.

Thinking back, I’m trying to remember how often that I went out this year or was asked? Sure, I had the work obligations like the agency meetings and Christmas Party, but what else?

There were a lot of going away happy hours and happy hours in general. For the most part, I went to most of them. Some more willingly than others, because of the company and overall, it was a great time.

Things get easier.

I wonder if me being out there more and more gives other people a different kind of impression than what I think I really am.

I am still the self-proclaimed prosolitude antisocial guy. I am.

That’s me to the core.

But, I can socialize. I do socialize….on my terms.

People get this idea that I’m a very social butterfly who has all of these friends and when I tell them that I am very antisocial, they call bullshit. The Iranian for example.

It all depends.

Being antisocial and being nice and decent aren’t mutual exclusive. If people are nice and chatty, I can do the same. That’s decorum.

This year kept that tradition going. People see me in one way and I see myself in another.

It’s another year where I am a mixture of both and that’s not a bad place to be.

Hopefully things get a little easier next year and things change for the better or for worse and which is which, it’s up to you.

Either way, I am making progress. I am being human. I am being me and I don’t care that people get upset at me if they perceive me in a different light than what I think I see myself.

It’s always been a tough battle that I’ve had with myself and with other people. Some people take more offense to it than others do.

It’s all about comfort, right? I’m getting more and more comfortable in situation that I normally wouldn’t be comfortable in.

Sure, sometimes I have liquid courage to calm my nerves…fuck it, most of the time I do, but things are getting better.

I see the upward trend of this. I know it. I see it.

That’s progress. That’s all that matters.

* * *

2017

Relationships and People.

Look above.

When it comes of being in a relationship, it’s been another year of Riding Solo.

I still have the issue of not being able to see a situation where I’m able to get my freedom that I so need and am use to and being in a relationship.

Everyone says that it’ll be different if I meet the right person and I’m sure it’ll be. Compromise. I understand it. Whether I can actually do it, is the more important questions.

Another part of it is that I’m I really don’t want to be in a relationship.

I think I’m like most guys or maybe I’m the exception, I just want the benefits of a relationship without actually having one. I don’t need company, for the sake of company. Sex, kissing, the physical stuff? That’s all I want.

I have a horrible track record of being in a relationships and the reason is listed above.

Every year, I realize this and every year I wish it would change and sometimes I think it is just time to be okay with it.

I know that deep inside I’m okay with this, hence me living my life the way that I am now, but there’s still a part of me that wonders could it be different? Could it be better?

Maybe 2018 will be different.

Who knows?

It seems to be shaping up to be that way. I noticed girls that I normally wouldn’t talk to because I never had to, being chatty with me and there were a few that I developed a flirtatious rapport with.

So strange.

Overall, those come and go, and those happen often enough that I’ll get my little crushes and then I just freeze and not do anything.

Sometimes, the situation is out of my control. They’ll either have a boyfriend or I just can’t fucking read the situation and other times they are young and my coworkers. Do I really want to go there?

Do I?

Sometimes it works. It happens. It’s nature. That’s where many people meet their significant others.

I don’t know. I’m always in my head and I’m sure I’m over thinking a lot of it.

We shall see.

2018, show me what you got.

I think most people who know me or know of me understand the kind of person I am and my abrasive behavior and attitude. It’s just me and my quirk.

I know it rubs many people the wrong way and some may not handle it as well as others and I’m okay with that.

Thankfully, I don’t think I really pissed anyone off or angered anyone. That’s a plus in my book. There were no major falling outs but just normal out-of-sight-out-of-mind type thing.

It happens and I’m horrible with keeping in touch. Relationships and friendships just fade into the ether and I am okay with it. I’m sure occasionally things will realign and I’ll meet with these friends again and the cycle will continue. Fade and gone, then it’ll come back full circle.

It’s the way of life. It’s how I am with most people, including friends.

People in general get on my nerves. Not all people, but most people in general. I just have no patience with them especially stupid people.

I know I need to work on that, but it’s so trying. I have no patience.

Patience is a virtue that I don’t have. It’s my hamartia and something I try to work on on a daily basis and it all has to do with people.

I guess my frustration is that I don’t understand things, that frustrates me, and this year had its many instances.

Something to work on.

For the most part, I’m interacting with more and more people and there were times when my relationship with some would change. When our status quo would just be glares or just basic formalities turn into something of chatty friendliness.

I find it fascinating.

People, they both fascinate and frustrate me at the same time.

I hope that I learn to be better and have more patience for the general public.

I fucking hope I do, ’cause this year has been trying.

* * *

Travel.

Wanderlusting where my feet can take me.

Looking back, I didn’t do as much traveling as I normally would. I would like this to 2015, where I didn’t do much traveling.

Actually, I think I traveled more for work than on personal trips, or they were on par, but each trip that I took was memorable for their own reasons.

I started late in my travels this year. It was during my special weekend, but that was a twofer.

Opted to go to Carlsbad Caverns National Park for a little getaway. It was about a 13-hour drive or so and debated if I should drive or if I should fly. I opted to fly and rent a car.

It was convenient. I didn’t have to take an extra day off for the drive and had enough time to play. The trip was all right up until Roswell and me finding Chutney. The rest as they say was history.

But it was also my first company trip too. NYC.

I know that I’d been asked to do many photoshoots around the agency from time to time for different projects and such. It’s because BHVA was busy with everything that they had to do and so they needed another photographer or since it was internal, the PMs didn’t want to be billed by BHVA for internal projects.

This time was a big one for an official client. The NY Auto show was happening the day after I was supposed to fly back from El Paso and they wanted me there to shoot the Acura TLX launch.

I flew out on the company’s dime, stayed at a hotel a block from Time Square and it was amazing. I was so naive at that time, not knowing exactly what was going to happen later in my life.

I went in, did my work, walked around the city, enjoyed my free extended special weekend vacation and then flew back home the next day. It was pretty amazing.

Because of where the launch happened and how the cars were setup, I didn’t get many of the necessary shots that I needed because of the tight space, no matter how much I looked at the angle studies.

But, it was done and I worked and got it done.

The next trip was another work trip to Baltimore to photograph the first Civic Type R for the auction. It was another quick and easy trip and I got all of the shots that I needed because there was a little more control of where I set up the car.

I do have to say that it was amazing to see my photos on the web with my name for photo credit.

Baltimore was kind of chill in itself. I explored a little, but wouldn’t mind exploring a little more. It was one of those trips where I just chilled by myself and actually met someone at the bar and we chatted.

Life. It’s funny that way. When you least expect it, you actually socialize. Ha, I guess The Iranian was right, I am social. Not really.

The last work trip was for Miami for the Drive event at the Homestead Race Track. Again, it was another work trip because they needed another photographer, so I went out with the main BHVA photographer.

It was pretty cool watching and seeing so many Type Rs racing. I wished I could have driven one of them. Man, but I can’t complain. They sent me out to South Beach, stayed in a fancy resort on the company’s dime.

I can’t complain at all. I think I wrote about all of these trips on this here void of mine.

I don’t know what the New Year will bring. I don’t know if they’ll ask me again to do another shoot. If I do, great. If I don’t, great. I can’t expect too much. I can’t be greedy. I appreciative for the chances that I had.

My next personal trip wasn’t until the Fourth of July weekend. It was the demarcation of the shit show that was the first half of the year and all that stress ending and the shit show that is the second half of the year. Looking back, it was definitely a much-needed meditative excursion to nature.

I flew out to Denver and met my bro and we went to the Rockies for some hiking. It didn’t start out well as I forgot my camera bag in one of the cars we looked at, so we missed the Stanley Hotel Ghost Tour, but I think that was for a good reason. I was so fucking tired anyway with all the drinking I did the night before at an impromptu happy hour with the HRM team.

I turned over my SharePoint list for them and all of my other SharePoint projects that I had at that time. Funny how all of them finished around the same time. Relish seemed to be in a good place and was mending well. I had dropped her off at ASEC for that long weekend for a checkup and when I got back, she came home with me for the last time. No more dropping off. It was great. It was amazing.

Things seemed to be looking up after that at home.

The next and last trip of the year (besides this trip home for Christmas) was the amazing two-week extravaganza to Italy. Simply amazing and it was a good break from everything that I was going through with SharePoint and the frustration of it taking so long.

In the end, amazing trip, and I guess things are in a really good place with the transition and everything.

Travels. Wanderlusting.

I wonder what 2018 have in store for me. I know I’ll have a lot of vacation days and I just need to know where to go. I already know that there’s no big family trip planned, but maybe something smaller like what we did in the Rockies?

I’ll most likely drive home again with Pickles too.

It wasn’t a family friendly year, or I thought it was but didn’t turn out to be.

A thought came to me this morning. It seems that years that I grow out my hair turns out to be non-family-friendly years. Funny how that works out.

I’m already thinking about my special weekend trip and let’s hope that comes to fruition. I’ll keep all my options open, but I need more travels in my life.

Here’s to 2018 and more travel adventures.

Bring it.

* * *

Work. Werk.

Besides the cat, work had been the biggest stressor in my life.

I had frustrations big and small.

Again, 2017 was a shit show, not just in the world, but in my life and mainly it was about work.

I think the biggest one was, is, and forever will be this SharePoint migration. I’ve been living and breathing it for the majority of the year.

But looking back, I do have to say that I had a lot of help in getting a lot of the main components in place with the vendor who’s helping develop the Dash and everything but most of the bones and development is all mine.

It’s all of my work front and center. I made many of the big decisions on how things work, especially in the first half when I was directionless.

As the project ramped up and got bigger, other project managers got involved, but throughout my tenure here at RPA, this was the first real big project that I PMed for.

There’s a sense of accomplishment to see how things are working and people using it and making use of certain things that I’ve developed and that it helps them do their work.

Little success in the mass of madness.

Here’s to the little successes.

Now, the project isn’t over. Far from it, as I have a little more clear direction of how things should be.

I think the biggest sticking point was when it came to the bigger picture; I had anxiety over making the big decisions. I am not a part of the company workflow nor do I have any understanding of how the company works. It was difficult for me to figure out or know what was the best decision on how to build, make, and do things when I have no clear concept to build from.

I hated that power, ’cause ultimately, I didn’t want to fuck up. I didn’t want that responsibility, ’cause it shouldn’t be mine. I’m not a decision maker when it comes to agency workflow.

I’m just a lowly peon, and I’m way OK with that.

But as the year is closing and I’m finishing up the migrations to start the new year and doing some final housekeeping, I see some light at the end of all of this.

The Dash should be launching soon and when everyone gets back to work, most everyone should be using SharePoint and Teams.

The next step is training and maintaining and it’s good to know that I have help in all of that.

2018, be kinder? I don’t want so much responsibility. It doesn’t do my liver good as I drink to de-stress.

Ultimately, joking aside, this was the toughest year at work and in the end, seeing what I built to help the new team that came onboard in February and seeing how that little small project started a snowball was a little rewarding.

My work getting recognize and started this.

It’s not perfect. MS and SharePoint have its flaws and some of it is not entirely their fault and some of them are ours, but sigh, we’ll figure something out.

I’ll figure something out.

Let’s hope.

2018, in a way, I’m afraid to ask what is next. What do you have for me?

Be nice.

* * *

Day 4.

This is my fourth day writing this. I’ve only managed to stay an hour a day to write and jot down my thoughts before I head back home to work on agency stuff.

Hopefully I can wrap this up today or tomorrow. I guess we shall see.

Let’s roll on.

* * *

Projects.

I didn’t have many projects this year. I didn’t set out to do any.

My only project this year was the cooking project, which I finished. Even this year’s project was a little lack luster. I didn’t impose any rules nor did I get creative with it in needing to create things that I never made before.

As long as the food was different from what I normally did, I was golden.

There were no other projects. No photography. No writing.

I did manage to write many many posts on this here void of mine. Random. Listless. Insignificant.

I needed to do something while I’m out-and-about doing my regular routine.

Maybe next year will be a little bit different.

I have rolls and rolls of expired film that I want to shoot and develop. It’ll help me get back to the basics of photography, slow down, take my time with things. Let’s see how that goes.

I want to get back into writing again. I just don’t know what to write. Prose? Short stories? Scripts?

No idea, but I want to work my brain again. Be creative.

Maybe with all the stress that I was dealing with, I didn’t have the capacity to do any of that. Who knows?

Reading.

I didn’t read that much this year. Sure, I listened to many books, but not as much as I normally would.

I think I physically read no more than three or four books this year, whereas other years will be close to ten.

Maybe I’m getting old and when I go to bed, I just want to go to sleep.

Or maybe I need to change my routine, instead of going to bed and reading my tablet, looking at memes and reading up on the daily news, I should go back to reading.

I don’t know.

It’s a process; it’s a thing, something that I’ll touch upon below.

Projects.

Let’s keep me busy the next year. Help me create, get my creative juices going. I sorely miss it.

Bring it.

* * *

FOMO.

The pressure. So much pressure.

I generally don’t have a FOMO (Fear of Missing out), or the regular sense of the word used by millennials today. I don’t care about missing out on what’s happening in the latest party or the latest craze, being bombarded by so many invites to all the things and I have to choose which one to go to all the while constantly thinking the thing that I’m missing out on is better than what I was doing at that moment.

NO. Never had that problem. I don’t get invited to much of anything besides the usual happy hour, so nothing to miss out on.

No, my FOMO is more about all of the media content that is out there. There are just so many things to watch. So many shows and movies to be on top of and they constantly come out.

I remember when I would be on top of everything, watching everything with full attention, and now, I’m like whatever.

I’m at a point where I have so many choices of content that I don’t know what to watch next, so I just don’t watch anything.

First world problems, I know.

I guess that’s probably another reason why I’m not reading much too. The content and also, the pressure of meeting some imaginary number of things to read in the upcoming year, the pressure gets to you.

I don’t have much happening in my life, so I need to create drama somewhere that is outside of work.

Pathetic, I know, but it’s the little things in my life.

I’m so behind on all of the podcasts that I follow. There are just so many hours in the day. I guess I could listen to them during work, but then again, I generally would like to focus on the podcasts and I can’t do while I do work.

So, maybe, here’s hoping, that I remove these pressures from myself in the upcoming year. I’ll get to whatever audiobook I’m listening to when I listen to it. I don’t have to read a certain quota or watch everything to be a part of the media zeitgeist.

I’ll catch up on my podcasts when I need a break from the books. I’ll read books when I need a break from my shows.

I have control over the consumption. If I miss something, then it really isn’t that important to me. Let it go.

Remove the excess.

Focus. Be minimal.

Whittle things down.

I don’t need to watch everything.

I don’t need to read everything.

I find myself bored with the shows that I’m watching, but I watch hoping that it’ll get better. Now, I just throw it on the background while I surf the internet.

Netflix DVDs sit on my coffee table for weeks or months before I get around to watching it.

Maybe I’ll the antsy-ness is more about needing to do something active rather than be passive and watch content.

Create content. Maybe your my life was lacking the creativity that was normally filled with my photography and my creative writing.

Maybe that’s it. I need to get these creative juices going.

Who knows?

But come the New Year, let’s aim to just chill, relax, and find my own schedule. No need to be on top of everything.

Be in control.

Believe me, I won’t be missing out on much of anything.

Not much at all.

2018, let’s relax a little bit more, okay?

Let’s switch things up a little bit. I’m going to take back control, just a little bit.

* * *

Furkids.

They’ve been through a lot this year. Like mine, their year have been pretty shitty too, especially Relish’s.

I made the mistake of taking in a stray into my little small comfortable brood and it turned into a disaster. Relish could have died and it was all my fault.

She’s back to normal and fought like hell to get back to normal. She’s a feisty one and I am grateful to all the vets and ASEC for fixing her.

I try to do a good thing and it backfired, but ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, everything worked out.

Chutney found a good home.

I knew it was a mistake, but I went through with it anyway.

I knew that Pickles wasn’t happy about Chutney either and Pickles is generally cool with most other dogs. Man, I so wished things worked out. I so wished that things worked out, but I guess the Universe had other plans for me or know that it was too much for me to handle.

I do wish it picked a more subtle way of letting me know. I already decided that he wasn’t a good fit, but it’s done.

Things progressed and now we are back to three.

It’ll just be us.

Relish is back to her normal bitchy self and Pickles is older.

I can see it in his face and how he takes his time sitting own. He still loves his walks and I feel that I’ve been neglecting him for the past couple of years. I haven’t taken him on as many adventures as I should.

Hopefully I can rectify that. I’ll make an effort to get the fuck out of the house and just go play with him. Go explore like how we use to do.

He’s getting older and will only get older and things will be tougher for him.

There’s no need for me to keep my usual weekend routine. Shake it up.

I know I’m a creature of comfort, but sometimes comfort and routine change for the better.

I don’t see why it can’t for us.

I know I won’t have many more years left with him and my heart will shatter. We all have a limited time together. Let’s make the best of it before it’s too late.

More A Boy and His Dog trips. Small. Big. I don’t care. Just more.

He’s my kid, my sidekick, and my soul mate.

He’s one of my saviors and I should treat him like one.

2018.

Let’s live it up. The two of us.

Pickles and me.

* * *

2017

It’s been a year.

It’s been a very trying year with work and life at home.

It’s a growing year. I learned a lot about myself this year. It’s usually when you are pushed to your limits you learn, grow, and adapt to keep your sanity.

I see the ugliness of some of my habits and the strength and resolve that I have to overcome some of my obstacles.

2017.

It was a year that pushed me to my emotional limits.

I know I’m a stubborn fucking asshole that has a chip on his shoulder. I’m so independent and I’m so alone so often that I think I have to do everything myself.

It’s one of the biggest lessons that I learned growing up. I have to manage everything on my own. I have to do everything on my own and I know that I don’t. I know and understand that I don’t have to.

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned this year and one of the most humble things I did was to ask for help.

I’m not the type of person that would ask for help, for most of anything. If it is something that I can handle and do on my own, for the most part I will do.

When it comes to work things, I’ll reevaluate and then delegate, but when it comes to my personal life, it’s all me.

It’s my responsibility and I don’t want to burden other people with my problems.

But I guess it pushed me to my limits and I needed help and I asked. I asked the void and my friends to help me find a home for Chutney.

That was big. That was huge.

Growth. Learning.

That’s what life is all about, right? That’s what this little thing of mine is about right? To figure out what I’ve learned about myself this year. To see growth. To reflect and see how far I’ve come and to see how much I’ve changed?

Growth.

If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing.

I learned to reach out and ask for help.

I know coworkers and friends have reached out and asked for help. Maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid to take them up on their offer. Maybe I shouldn’t be scared to dump my shit on them and have them give me a hand.

I know that if a friend asked me for help, I would drop most everything and do what I can to help. Why do I think that my friends won’t do the same if I need help?

They did. They spread the word and helped the best that they can.

I’m not alone in this world.

There are good people in the world. I see that and hopefully, in the future, I’ll be able to do the same and ask for help when I really need it.

Life lessons.

It’s okay to ask for help.

2018.

* * *

2017.

The Year of Tough Love.

Saying it was a tough year is an understatement.

It was a trying year that tested my mettle. It was a year of unfortunate events, but it was also a year that I felt more comfortable with me being who I am.

It was a year that I notice a need to change things up in my life.

It was a year that I realize that I’m not alone.

It was unlike any other year. I lived on my own terms and stuck to my convictions.

It was a year full of travels and memories and a year of new friends and different experiences.

It was also a year that I saved not one, but two lives. I would like to believe that I saved Chutney’s life, and with the help of the vets at ASEC, I saved Relish’s.

I sure as hell don’t want to have that happen again though, so let’s hope that will be the last of it. It goes to show that when I feel guilty and its someone or something I love, no amount of money matters. Their life is far important.

2017.

It was a year of me, another Year of Phong, but I can see a need for change.

Maybe this whole hair journey will mark a time when the change will come.

This might be the last time that I’ll ever grow my hair out and donate it. I tell myself that I’m almost 40 and that I want to start 40 fresh and give adulting a try.

What does that entail?

I have a little over a year before I hit that big 40. What will happen?

I’ll will most likely go on the same way as I am now, doing my little party of ones and going with the flow, but I think I should have a more open mind and just do things on a whim and not be so strict in my little routine.

Life is about change and a little change isn’t going to kill me.

I’m sure 2018 will be no different from any other year, but I do hope that I learn more about myself and grow a little more.

So, with this, I bid 2017 adieu.

You’ve been a shitty year, but I survived and I’m a lot stronger than when I started out. I learned many important lessons throughout the year and I think I came out better for it.

For that, I thank you 2017, but I definitely won’t miss you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

2017.

Bye.

2018.

Bring it.

Calm.

Relaxed.

I love the feeling of just coming out of the chamber, all calm and drained. Mind clear, without the normal weight of thoughts and anxiety.

Today’s session was successful even though I felt that my mind wasn’t as clear as it was last time.

I still feel calm and relaxed; even now, about 30 or so minutes later, sitting here with my tea, chatted with Rei and typing away.

It’s a warm day today, windy too. The world looks a little brighter. A smidge.

I wonder how long this Zen will last. The last time, it lasted for almost a week. This time? We shall see.

I hope it’ll be one of those things where the more sessions you do, the longer the feeling lasts.

It’s all about meditation, clearing the mind.

The sensory deprivation chamber helps. There are no distractions but your thoughts and the realignment and readjustment in the pool from time to time, as you float to the walls of the chamber.

Will this last through my trip up north?

That would be nice.

That would be really nice.

* * *

Relax.

Calm.

Life.

It’s going.

The second half of this year hasn’t been too bad. Any stress was all work related with the big project that I’m in, but that is something that is manageable once I got a clear direction of how the project should go.

It’s all grunt work now.

That’s all within my control.

The first half was a different story and that vacation to the Rockies was a lifesaver.

It was definitely a much-needed reprieve at that time. I turned in all of the projects that I was working on at that time and I felt lighter.

Relish was home and on the mend, being able to cat. My heart lifted.

Funny how a little control helps ease my mind.

I’m such a control freak.

* * *

Funny, how I was thinking about Relish and what happened between her and Chutney (No dubbed Chewy) and that it was such a stressor in my life and the Roswell Animal Control pinged me on FB to ask how he’s doing.

I guess I am fortunate that everything worked out. Sure, it didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped, with Relish and everything, plus the dead rabbit, but Chutney got a good home. He was saved and has a great life now with Carel.

He’s fortunate. I don’t know where he would be now if I hadn’t rescued him. Would he still be in the kennel? Would he had been adopted or would he had been put down.

Those questions would have killed me and now I know that he’s in good hands.

Bless his lucky ass.

I know I’ll be looking back at that event in the next few weeks, writing about it in my yearly diatribe, but man, what an adventure. What a story to tell.

Here’s to hoping that my next special weekend trip is boring. I don’t need another story to tell, well, at least I don’t need another where something I love gets hurt, even though I was trying to do some good in the Universe.

* * *

Dynamics.

People.

Relationships.

They all change. It’s malleable and ever changing with each interaction.

What starts out as good, fun, and fascinating can just change to something that fizzled out because of one thing or another.

That happens a lot, especially with me.

Much of it has a lot to do with me and my general weirdness and others are just the dynamics of the relationship and other times most likely is me just fucking things up.

It is what it is, I just have to be better at not being a dick, and other times things just need to run its course.

Some of the things are like, hmmmm…how is this going to work out? What do you expect to get out of this? Nothing can happen, so why even?

Just why?

Other times, I’m clueless, ’cause again, it’s me.

I’m very hypersensitive, and I’m sure it’s because of my INFJness. I notice things. I’m an empath and my gut tells me certain things.

It’s usually spot on, I can pick up clues, and there are times when I’m done. It’s not a perfect science…or science.

It just is.

Let things run its course.

Just let things run.

Be free.

Go.

Done.

* * *

I think it is time to go. I have a lot of work to do today.

Lunch, home, work.

Yayer.

One more week and I’m gone.

Gone away from here, leaving on a jet plane to the PNW.

#homehome.

That’s where I’ll be for a week and then it’ll be back to the daily grind.

Unlike most other times when I’m up north, I’ll be working remotely.

There’s quite a bit of sites to move and I need to get on them.

It’ll be a lot of work, but I’m hoping that everything goes smoothly. Here’s to hoping, right?

Hope hope.

Maybe maybe.

We shall see.

I would definitely say I wouldn’t be bored while I’m up there. I’ll be drowned out in whatever music or M’s background videos while I punch away in front of the laptop.

Migrating migrating.

It’ll be fun.

Maybe

* * *

Scheduled another float session for tomorrow.

I’ve been trying to take care of my mental health and my general health overall since who knows when. The float sessions calm me down so much; I decided that it should be a regular thing.

Once a month and tomorrow will be my second month in a row. I’m looking forward to it.

The stress of work gets to me and I want to relax; especially now knowing that I’ll be working through most of my break. I don’t mind, again, I wouldn’t be doing much up north anyway. It’ll be a good distraction and plus, I’ll get overtime.

I think a lot of the stress with what’s happening is not about the workload, it’s about the decisions that I have to make. It’ll affect everyone.

I know I have help and input from others, but there are times when I’ll have to make an executive decision on certain things, like procedure and structure and I hope that it works well for everyone.

There are a few things that I am unsure of, but I make choices that I think make sense. They may make sense to me, but not to the masses and these are the general anxieties that I go through with this.

I know that we have a new person to help with SharePoint, but I’m trying to shield him away from the mundane training. He has more important things to focus on, like migrating old sites to new SharePoint. That is where his attention should be.

I need to clear my mind and not let work get to me.

I’m the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeve. Anyone can tell exactly what emotion I’m going through. I don’t hide it well.

I find it funny that there are times when I’ll be walking the floor, I’ll get an email and it’s either annoying or some stupid shit that I have to deal with or something larger and I take a big breath and sigh loudly and those around me will be like “whoa“.

Yeah, to say I let things get to me is an understatement.

It’s something that I’m learning to not do.

I still have a lot of growing left to do. I still have a lot of learning left.

It’s never ending.

Never ending.

* * *

My mind wanders today.

It’s not here, on the page, but at work and the logistics that I need to figure out.

It focuses on the big picture of SharePoint and the minutia of how everything times together.

Work.

It’ll be the death of me.

Quiet.

Rested. Well, more rested than yesterday.

The holiday party was Thursday and thankfully, the aftermath wasn’t as bad as it was last year, but it was still bad. At least I was vertical for most of the day.

The afternoon, not so much. I had to lay down for a bit, but I managed to make it through the day.

So, what happened?

I don’t remember.

I find that I black out more and more as I drink. I think it might be the whiskey and I really do need to stop.

Once in a blue moon is fine and in moderation, but man, definitely not to get over my social anxiety and to loosen up at parties.

It’ll be a thing to do. Definitely.

Apparently, while drunk, I was very dismissive to Ccampe and I have no recollection of it. I feel so bad, ’cause I would normally never be so rude to her. I like her, but man, I really do want to know.

I’ll have to ask Liz and Kanya next week.

I wonder what other fucked up thing I did. I know I was being a weirdo according to The Polish. I definitely hope I didn’t do anything bad to her.

Yeah, it’s been heading this way for a while now and I need to listen and just stop it.

I know how I get with alcohol. I need to control it.

* * *

Other than those things? How was it?

It wasn’t bad, or at least I didn’t think it was bad.

Getting home was a shit show, but what else was new. I didn’t driver, thankfully.

I took the train. Passed out on the Expo and missed my stop. Woke up right after the Palms station and got off in Culver. I had to take a Lyft back.

Then, I threw up at my front door.

Me, drinking, isn’t my greatest moment.

Live and learn. I’m just having problems with the learning part.

Got in, took Pickles out, stripped and pass the fuck out.

I woke up at my regular time and made it to work without any problems.

I was responsible, so I think I’ll take that as a win, or a wash, at least.

* * *

Besides Nick, I didn’t really interact with that many people.

Man, there are snippets of conversations that go in and out of my brain. I can’t piece them. Did they happen?

I remember spending a lot of time with Ms. Goodbar. I think she pushed me into a damn bush.

She’s a feisty one and cute and very flirty.

I still don’t understand how this….this, came to be. Was it before Kendall’s party or was that the start of it?

I don’t know and I’m just going to go about my business and not expect anything.

It’s best that we keep it that way.

…that peck on the cheek as you said goodbye…

* * *

Sigh.

My mind is all over the place today.

Fading out. Fading in.

There’s no coherence in though.

Nothing.

Solid.

Tis the season of giving again. It’s that time of year, that holiday feel good time of the year again.

What am I to do?

Am I in a giving mood? It seems to me that I’ve been more charitable as of late or more so at least. I’ve always been giving, but I think I’ve given away to many more causes this year.

Or mostly it’s because so many people hit me up or that there are so many natural disasters and the world is coming to an end and I’m trying to make an effort to help out as best that I can.

What has the world come to?

It’s a strange state of affairs.

Strange indeed.

* * *

It’s only been a week and my body is giving up on me. I was so well rested last week. I felt great, energetic and now, my body screams at me.

Man, maybe it’s because my stomach pains came back again. Apples.

I can’t eat apples anymore.

Fuck.

I love apples. Honeycrisp.

So sweet and so tart.

Sigh.

The end of the year approaches. Soon, in a short three weeks there will be no more work, maybe. Depends on what they want to do in terms of the Social Bridge transition. I may have to work over the break.

I don’t mind. It’s not like I’ll be doing anything important while I’m up north anyway. I’ll most likely be watching shows and movies that I haven’t watched and catch up on some youtubing.

There’s really not much to do but to sit on the couch.

I’ll get my rest then, until then, I’ll have to soldier on.

Soldier soldiering.

* * *

Pressure.

FOMO.

So much media content to consume and I don’t know why I’m putting so much pressure on myself to go through them. I’m listening to my books and then I feel bad for missing out on my podcasts.

I think I just need to figure out what I can do without and what I can’t and just figured out a schedule.

I don’t need to read/listen to a certain number of books a year. They’ll always be there. Just enjoy things.

Stop putting pressure on missing out on things. You never seemed to worry about shit like that before, why now?

Well, there are things that sure, are a part of the general zeitgeist, but others, not so much. You can get to them whenever.

Read whatever you want.

Watch whatever you want.

At your OWN FUCKING TIME.

Slow down. Enjoy life.

I’m 38 and still trying to figure out how to live life. When will it end?

Never.

The answer is never. It’ll always be never.

* * *

I’m just going to go over the year, go over my yearly entries.

It’s been a good while that I’ve felt this rested.

I guess it all started around Thanksgiving and me getting drunk. I passed the fuck out on the couch, then went to bed, and slept well. I’ve been sleeping well ever since.

Why? Maybe because I don’t have the stomach pains anymore. I think I may have figured out what has been causing the pain, raw cabbage.

Fucking. Raw. Cabbage.

I love cabbage. I eat it as a salad/slaw. If I think I need some veggies in my noodles, fucking throw some cabbage in there. It’s easy and green. Not so nutritious, but I don’t care. They’re veggies.

I need to figure out an alternative. Lettuce? Maybe. I always have spinach on hand, but it’s not the same as the cabbage. Ahhh, what am I to do.

First world problems I know, but man, I’m glad I kind of figure out that problem and know now to avoid it.

Onto the next issue, whatever it may be.

* * *

The ickiness.

Is it back or did it morph into another form.

Nothing in my life has changed. I’m living my life like I normally would. Nothing really changed, but I don’t know, it seems like I have no motivation to do anything.

Not anything in the sense of I want to roll up in bed and not face the world, no, not that. I’m out and about, doing what I need to do, but it’s something else.

Maybe I’m reading into things, but it seems that I’m on my tablet all the time, reading up on the news or reading memes.

Is that depression or is that a thing to pass the time. I usually do it before bed, or when I have a break or when I’m bored watching a show.

I don’t think I am. I don’t feel like I am, but who knows.

Depression is a tricky little thing.

I think I’m just bored with all the shows that I’m watching and that there is so much content out there that I feel pressure to watch something, but don’t know what to watch. I’m so behind.

I think that’s just a general feeling about everything. There’s just too much.

What to choose to watch? There’s that sense of FOMO, but eh, I guess I’ll get to things when I get to things and just deal with the onslaught of media to watch and catch up on.

They’re not going to go anywhere. They’ll always be there.

* * *

People watching.

That’s all I’m doing now.

People watching.

I watch people come and go, getting out of their cars and going into whatever restaurant that they want to have lunch.

I’m debating what I’m going to do this afternoon. I know that I need to iron, but was thinking about going to the Farmer’s Market. Maybe not.

I want to make some crème brulee today and that’ll take about an hour or so to get everything ready.

Who knows what I’m going to do? I’ll just wing it when I get home.

* * *

Work.

Back to work tomorrow. Back to the grind and then it’ll be a month before break and a little under two weeks for the Christmas Party.

Am I ready? I am.

I’ve been ready. I’ve been waiting for this year to be over so I can start new.

I’m waiting for this shitty year to go away and be a distant memory.

What will next year have to offer? No fucking clue.

Let’s check the horoscopes, shall we?

All bullshit of course with conflicting sites telling me I will have a great year to another site saying that it’ll be sucky. Ahhh, astrology, a pseudo-science that one should take with a grain of salt.

What does my Chinese horoscope say?

Same shit. Some say it’ll be bad and others say that it’ll be pretty good, but watch out.

Horoscopes make it vague enough where anything can happen.

Fascinating.

I guess there’s no way to see how next year will turn out until it comes.

I didn’t expect this year to be the way it was. Nothing prepared me for it.

It was a struggle, but in the end, it’s almost over and there were a lot of lows filled with some highs.

With this entry, it’ll be one of the more productive years I had on this little blog of mine. It’ll tie the number of entries since the year I first started this little therapy session.

45.

Let’s see how it goes.

* * *

Thanksgiving is over and now we’re onto Black Friday.

What am I doing? Avoiding all stores. No interesting in going out and shopping. None.

I’ve done my shopping this morning in the comfort of my home. Online shopping is where it’s at. Fuck the crowd. Fuck the people.

So now, my day will be like any other day on the weekend, me writing and then going home and figuring shit out like a couch potato.

Simple.

My life.

Simple.

* *

The dishes I cooked last night were successful overall. I had some gripes, like the lamb didn’t have enough flavor. I should have rubbed some salt and pepper on that shit before I put it in the over. It was good though.

The mac and cheese thickened up way too much. I think the next time I’m going to remove the egg. I think that’s what I did last time too and it was just creamy. No egg.

I loved the eggplant with the miso glaze and the green beans were all right. I wonder what it would be like if I used the traditional green beans. It’ll be more hearty and beefy for sure.

The creamed corned turned out really well. I enjoyed that one too and I didn’t put that much cream in it. So, I’m happy for that. Not bad.

Overall, a success, but man, did I hit a fucking food coma afterward.

Too much food. Too much wine.

Wine headache.

Blah, but I feel rested today.

That’s all that matters.

Rested.

* *

Considering it is Thanksgiving time, I’ve been thinking about what I’m thankful for.

In all honesty, I don’t know. I usually don’t think about shit like this, but tis the time, so why not.

Thankful.

What the fuck am I thankful for? In no particular order, here we go.

1. Being alive
2. Pickles
3. Relish
4. Family
5. My feet. I love walking, I love exploring and they allow me to do that.
6. Being employed
7. Being independent. I know I stress this often and I will stress it until the day I die. My independence is important to me. Without it, I wouldn’t know what I would do.
8. Scott. The Carters. They saved my life when I really needed it some genuine people in in my life. They will forever be family.
9. People. I know, me saying, I’m thankful for people. What has gotten into me? I meant it in the way that I’m thankful for all of the different people that I interact with during my day to day, my coworkers, and sometimes, total strangers. They are all right. They give me the socializing that any human needs. People.
10. To be able to travel. I love traveling and I’m glad that I’m able to do it.
11. For being a citizen. I know currently, being an American in this state of affairs isn’t great and I’m not happy with how America is now, but this too will pass. Being an American gives me privileges that many aren’t afforded around the world. I’m grateful that I have that.
12. Writing. It has been my therapy for a long time. This little void of mine, this personal space, helped me heal.

So, that really didn’t go as planned. I’m sure I wrote many other things (not so much different), but that draft never saved.

I winged it and hopefully one day I can come back and edit this list or make a new one.

We shall see.

* * *

Day 2.

Well, I’m already well into day 2. Many of the items up top have been part of day 2, but let’s proceed.

Where to go? What to write?

I woke up to a younger cousin of mine sending me a picture of a saying on Instagram, asking me what does it mean.

Too often the things you want the most are the things you can’t have

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out

But as tough as wanting something can be, the ones who suffer the most

are those who don’t know what they want.

I went on trying to explain to him what I think it means, that having desire, dreams gives people motivation to live life and that not knowing what they want is the worse. They are so lost in life; they are like zombies going from meal to meal.

Everyone should have dreams that they should work towards and if they fail, then at least they tried.

It’s okay to fail and experience that heartbreak. It gives your life meaning, something to look forward to.

I’ve been lost. I’ve been through my quarter life crisis and that was one of the worst times of my life. Being lost. Fuck, I sure don’t want to experience that again.

I tried to break it down some more with other idioms that he may have heard of.

It’s better to have loved and lost, then to have not love at all.

You miss all the shots you don’t have.

I think he got the gist of the sentiment.

It seems that he has some friends that are just pissing their life away, not living up to their potential and they come up with excuses why they fail, etc etc, or that they are insecure and are afraid of failure and he’s trying to help them, but they don’t listen.

Negative people. We all have that side of in us, those insecurities. It’s only human.

You can’t save everyone. Only they can save themselves, you can only help, when they need it. Otherwise, it’s their life; let them make their own decisions. You have no control over that.

You only have control over your life, live it the way you want.

It’s selfish, but hey, it’s okay to be selfish.

I think I’m one of the most selfish people that I know. I only look out for myself and my self-interest.

He’s seen what selfishness can do and was told not to be selfish, but I told him, I’m fucking selfish.

I worry about my happiness and that’s how it should be. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t be a dick about it.

Just don’t be a dick.

Lesson. Don’t be a dick.

Just don’t.

* * *

Photography.

The last time that I did a photography project was the 365 in 2015. But, I’ve been using my camera almost consistently since then.

2016. I’ve had all of the vacation trips.

2017. I’ve had all of the work shoots and some vacations along with the food projects that I’ve been doing for the past few years.

I’m itching to get back into it. The Iranian helped get my interest back because she’s trying to get into it, but it’s always something to keep me busy.

I know that I have a lot of film left and I think I’m going to finish shooting those and hope for the best. Why waste the film? Shoot it and process it out and hope for the best.

Let’s go analog.

I think it’ll be fun and interesting and maybe it’ll help me with my photography again. I think it’ll help me get better at the mechanics of photography instead of just pointing and shooting.

I have to slowly think about what I’m shooting, not wanting to waste film. Each snap of the shutter counts.

Let’s see how it goes. I guess I don’t have to wait until next year to start. I already have a camera locked and loaded and it’s been sitting on my bookshelf for the past couple of years. It’s probably all fucking shit and faded now, but we’ll see.

Man, it must have been at least four or five years old.

Should I start new?

Maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

The weekend is almost over and then we’re off to a short week.

Thanksgiving approaches and I can’t wait. I spent the whole weekend mulling over what I’m going to cook.

I know that a lamb shoulder roast is on the menu, but was unsure of how to prepare it. Now, I have an idea.

As for the sides, that didn’t come together until this morning.

I’m craving mac & cheese, so yeah, I’m mac-ing-&-cheesing it. I’ll most likely make another kimchi and spam mac & cheese and just freeze whatever I can’t eat. I’m learning to love making things in abundance and freezing for a later date.

Looking at my menu, it’ll be a lot of freezing and eating later.

I have creamed corn on the menu. It will not be very traditional. I’m still working on the recipe for this one, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

Up next, gochujang green beans. I found a simple recipe online and I like that it’s blistered.

Should I go with another veggie? I’m unsure, but I’m sure I’ll have a craving for something or something will come up.

Right now, I’m debating if I should make dessert.

The Long Time Coming – Party of One – Zen Out Thanksgiving 2017 Menu:

1. Harissa Roasted Lamb Shoulder with Herb Yogurt Sauce
2. Blistered Gojuchang Green Beans
3. Kimchi Spam Mac & Cheese
4. Light Creamed Corn
5. Dessert (If any) – No Fucking Idea

The menu looks good. I can finish my cooking project with this meal with the green beans, lamb, and the creamed corn.

The only dish that I’m worried about is the creamed corn. I don’t know if I want to use actual cream or go with the Greek yogurt, which I’ll need for the dipping sauce for the lamb, anyway. Of course, I’ll spice it up and make it different, but not sure how I’m going to go about it. I’ll have to look up a few more recipes.

Dessert.

That’s never been a big thing for me. I usually do it because it was a challenge or that I’m way behind on my cooking project. Since, this meal will push me over, I may not need it and plus, that’s a lot of fucking food and is there fucking room for dessert?

I was thinking of crème brulee, but the oven will be in use for most of the day, so probably not. What is there to make?

A possibility would be cannoli, but I don’t have the time to get a little roll thingy to make a proper shell so, it’ll have to be chips, which is doable. The filling looks easy, ricotta, sugar, and some kind of chocolate or candy. The shell will be the problem, but I’m sure I can whip it up in a pinch.

* * *

After Thanksgiving, I’ll have to start thinking about Christmas and what to cook.

I find it funny that I usually cook the same thing all the time when I cook during Christmas. I cook so many different things while I’m here, but I never cook those things while I’m up there.

It’s usually some kind of roasted veggie and then some pasta dishes and rarely any dessert.

The same same same. Never really experimented while I’m up there. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fuck up a dish, or maybe I just don’t care, because everything I cook is quick and easy and I have limited access to the oven because of the roast that is cooking.

No idea, but I guess I can switch it up maybe. Maybe I’ll make some fresh egg noodles and do a chow mein or something.

No idea.

None.

I’ll figure something out when the time comes. I usually do and I guess with Christmas being on Monday, I have the whole weekend to think about what to make and prep too.

I guess some of the reason is that everything different that I cook is for the cooking project and they are things that I’ve only cooked once for the cooking project. I don’t want to cook it for family if it is only my second time, especially if it is something more complicated.

Pasta, easy. I do that all the time.

Green beans, possibly. I have to figure out the seasoning, but that should be easy, but c’mon, harissa lamb shoulder roast that takes 5 hours? No, I don’t have the time for that.

Who knows, maybe I’ll experiment with something substantial this year? Eh.

I don’t want to think about it.

It’s going to be an interesting time when I go back. So much had happened to me this year, so much shit. I don’t want to get into a conversation about Relish with M’s.

It really had been a very anti-family year this year, except for my bro.

Very anti-family.

I guess we all need breaks, long breaks, from time to time.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Come on skinny love just last a year

I’m just hoping I could finish out this year without any big problems. I can’t wait for the year to be over.

It’s been rough.

Work.

I need to stop caring. I need to let things go. The control freak in me won’t allow me to do that, but it has to learn.

Stop caring.

I don’t care about many things, but for some reason, with work, it’s a little bit different. I guess it affects me and I’m the one that is facilitating the big transition and I just want it done right.

I guess that’s my thing, because I’m taking care of it, I have a need to make sure everything goes right.

I can’t blame anyone but me if things don’t.

Hence, I care.

I need to have faith on the others on the team. A new PM came on board and I think we’ll be in safer hands.

I think I can start letting things go and have faith that she’ll steer us in a good direction, to see things through, and be on top of things.

I need to have faith.

I have to trust it.

Let it go.

I have to, for my own sanity.

Until this is over over and we find a new balance of work, I’m going to find ways to help me relax.

I need to get back into living a healthier lifestyle.

Meditation.

Yoga.

Exercise.

Sensory deprivation.

I need to focus on my health.

Let’s do it.

* * *

My stomach issues are back again.

I thought it was the magnesium that I was taking, but I stopped and now the cramps are back again.

I now have to figure out what I ate that is causing the problem.

What’s the trigger?

It’ll be a long process but it’ll be something that I have to get serious about. I don’t think I can fucking survive if this is a constant thing.

All my tests results have returned negative, so it has to be my diet.

Maybe after the holidays, when I have more control over my diet, I’ll get back on another cleanse to get my stomach back into shape. I’ll be more diligent on logging everything I’m eating and figuring out what it is that is fucking me up.

Seriously, fuck my life. Fuck it.

I need to control my stress eating too. It doesn’t help, but I guess stress eating is better than stress drinking? Win?

In my book, that’s kind of a win.

* * *

Can’t explain all the feelings you’re making me feel / My heart’s in overdrive and you’re behind the steering wheel

The Darkness just came on and of course Ms. Goodbar pops in my head.

It’s her jam. It’s her singing in the shower song.

It’s interesting to see how our relationship and our interactions have blossomed after that little going away happy hour.

Before, it’ll just little smiles here and there with our passing glances and now, there’s some flirtation going on.

It’s nice. It’s a little playful, and it’s definitely much needed distraction from most everything else at work.

* * *

Motivation.

I don’t have much motivation to watch any of my shows anymore.

It’s not that they are boring, though, some are, I think it’s just that there is so much content out there that I just don’t want to watch anything anymore. There’s a sense of FOMO if I miss something, so I just say fuck it and not watch anything.

All I want is to surf the web, look at memes, read the news and possibly read a book.

I don’t know. Maybe, hopefully, it’s just a phase because of all the stress that I’ve been going through and I need some different kind of mind numbing stimulation.

I know that the above statement is along the lines of an oxymoron, “mind numbing stimulation”, but it works.

C’est la vie.

I think I’m just going to go home, throw on a show, movie or even some stand up and just cook and forget the world.

Ahhh, to forget the world.

Sounds great.

Sounds awesome.

Bliss.

Forget.

The world.

Tired.

Sigh.

Here’s another post about me being tired.

These are happening more and more often.

It’s been busy at work and stressful. We’re ramping up the launch of our new system and it’s a lot of planning and meetings and planning and meetings.

My body hasn’t been resting well and I guess it finally caught up to me. I had to take a sick day on Thursday and I’m still not 100%.

I should be resting today, but here I am.

I plan to do a lot of cooking today and look forward to it, but I need a damn nap.

Sigh.

<center* * *

Not sure what to write about today.

Not sure if there is anything on my mind besides work, which I’m trying to forget and push out of brain. I know it’ll be ridiculous busy for the next few weeks and I want it to be over.

Can it be over already?

Please?

I know I’m whining when I shouldn’t, but damn

Yeah, yesterday wasn’t a good day. I was still tired from my ickiness and was nonstop since I got in. I was pulled into meetings and discussions and meetings and more and help and everything.

I thought having the developer would be helpful, but I guess being the project manager and the go to guy on this rollout has quite a bit of responsibilities that I wasn’t expecting.

C’est la vie.

It’ll get better and I’ll suck it up and stop whining.

I will.

I will.

* * *

Looking up recipes on how to do a gochujang pot roast. I think I may have found something, just need to think it through.

While looking up recipes for pot roast, it’s giving me ideas to do tacos with the leftover meat. Hells to the yeahs. I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve been craving tacos for a while. Actually, I’ve been craving Mexican for a while.

Win win.

I need some winning in my life, even though it seems that I’m winning at work. It doesn’t feel that way.

Fuck man, I’m talking too much about work.

* * *

I stare out the window.

Not sure what to type, unsure about the thoughts running in my head. Should I put them down on paper or should I just let them die their slow misty fade into the ether like most of my thoughts and memories?

I haven’t been so unsure about something in a while and it throws me off.

It’s not quite an existential crisis but more of a crisis of the mind.

My body, broken, beaten, strives for its younger days when there wasn’t anything that could have broken it. Now it just screams in pain at every little thing.

So broken. So damaged.

Time can do that to you. With time comes entropy. It’s the natural order.

I push the thoughts away, as I push people away.

I stare back out the window at the life passing me by. People live their active lives as I live mine in stillness.

* * *