We’re just in March and I’m already wishing that the year be over already. It’s been a long year and it only just started. I still got a long way to go.

It’s all because of work.

For some reason, it’s been really busy for me. I guess with the whole Tools Taskforce and O365 and SharePoint integration along with Teams, things are busy.

I should be happy that it is busy. It just means that the day goes by faster, but it is a little draining mentally.

I don’t think I have fully recovered from that flu like illness that I had in February, but I’m sure that may have something to do with this also, but man, work is crazy.

It’s like by the time I leave for work around 4pm I can’t focus on anything. My brain doesn’t want to work. It can’t focus on the audiobook that I’m listening to, but then again, the reader is British and I always have problems with British readers.

It takes more effort to get through the accent and also, I think it is the book also.

Who knows?

But yeah, work………….things are changing.

* * *

I’ve been doing a deep dive into MS Teams. It’ll be launched for General Availability on Tuesday and I’m going through the latest update to see what new features they’ve added and to find any quirks that my team and I need to know before we start pushing it out to more users.

I spent most of my Saturday doing that deep dive and found some interesting stuff that one can do with the new bots and new tab integrations and all of these new features. I’m thinking long game and ahead in terms of what the agency’s needs and creative needs and department needs and how they can use the tool successfully.

I’m trying and testing out different scenarios. It’s my job and it’s one of the biggest thing that has been keeping me so busy these past two-and-a-half months.

It’s exciting and interesting all at the same time, learning about this tool and just understanding a few things better in terms of how some things work within the agency.

I’m sure I’ll have to show Benjo all the things that I found out and how to set it up so he can understand the tool better and come up with other ideas on how users can use it.

It’s a very collaborative tool and I’m collaborating with Benjo and many others on how to roll it out.

I’m doing my due diligence in terms of learning about this tool and all our O365 tools and integrations so I can be a better-informed IT person to speak about the tools and how they work together and how it can be beneficial to someone’s team.

I just hope they work, because a lot of people in the agency are worried and so against change that they stopped using it.

Change is tough.

Technology is tough.

But people love their #slack and I don’t get it.

* * *

Just stopped whatever I was typing just to do more research on Teams and its new features.

I guess it’s just how my mind works.

My OCD isn’t letting me do anything but focus on Teams and learning about its capabilities.

This behavior is like any of my other obsessions like baking. It’s nonstop until I can learn as much as I can.

Will it ever end?

Who knows?

for our lives to be over

I haven’t heard that song in forever. Just came on Spotify, listening to the music of my time and just enjoying my time here.

I don’t want to wait, but then again, all I do is wait.

It’s a song about not wasting time or waiting and just act and do.

I’ve never been one of those that just do. My blog has documented that for years now and that’s one thing that I haven’t changed.

I guess in a way, it’s not a matter of not acting, but it’s not acting on certain things because I honestly don’t know what it is that I want in terms of a relationship.

I’ve written about this over and over and over again. It’s one of the sticking points in my mind and in my life, that I haven’t completely figured out yet.

It’s one of those things that I’ll just let happen organically without any prompt or action, which never really works.

But c’est la vie, that is how I roll.

* * *

It’s a quiet day today. It’s been a quiet weekend actually.

Most of my weekends have been like this as of late. It isn’t like I’m doing anything different on my weekends.

Nothing different at all. I wake up, shower, and take Pickles for a walk. I’ll grab groceries for whatever I plan on cooking that weekend and then just chill watching TV or YouTube or Hulu until it is time for me to go to Volcano.

I’d chill at Volcano for my usual time and then pack up and go home, walk Pickles and pick up lunch if I feel hungry and then chill for the rest of the day.

That’s my standard weekend and each weekend is no different, but it feels different. Maybe it is because I’m still a little sick and I’m getting a little better and back on.

Or maybe there’s something in the air or a weird vibe is around or maybe it is just because it is fucking cold outside and the weather is truly Winter weather.

Who knows?

It’s just different and I think different isn’t a bad thing.

It’s just different.

* * *

Health.

I know that my health is all right and for the most part in the grand scheme of things, I am perfectly healthy.

My cholesterol is at a good level. Pain is limited.

I eat healthy enough with pretty much very minimally processed food and it’s mostly slow cooked food using whole ingredients.

On the scale, I’m ahead of the curve in terms of how healthy I am and I should happy.

Then again, there’s the stomach issue that I’m working on. There’s a lot of things connected to the stomach issue that I should be concerned about.

The discomfort from it is causing some kind of stress and anxiety in my life. There’s also the bladder issue that seems to go hand in hand with the stomach issue.

It’s like with the inflamed colon from the irritants that caused my stomach issue is pressing on my bladder to make me go frequently and incomplete.

The frequency I go disrupts the amount and quality of sleep that I’m getting.

Everything is so tied into food and what I’m eating. It’s weird that it is just now that I’m starting to work on my health, watching documentaries about food and how it affects my system and what is good for you and what isn’t.

There’s so much conflicting information out there about what is the best thing to do, that it’s hard to decide what to actually believe.

I say, be simple, continue what I’m doing. Eat food that you cook using whole ingredients and that is minimally processed. I am the one that is in control of what goes into my body. I’m causing the pain and discomfort that I am experiencing.

I just know exactly what it is that is making me feel this way and then I can figure out the solution to that problem.

* * *

Health.

Finding Zen.

Maybe I’m getting old in years but my health and wellbeing have been on the forefront of my mind as of late.

I know that I relax through cooking. I don’t think about anything but just cooking the dish that I have to do. It is relaxing, that’s why I enjoy doing it and in the end, I get the satisfaction of a good dish at the end of it.

The same could be said about making bread.

Now, I’m trying to find other things to help me Zen out.

I’m doing yoga again after a long break.

I tried to start adding meditation to my routine too, but that one is not sticking. I just should make it a habit.

I think I’ll start adding regular chiropractic maintenance and sensory deprivation to that growing list of things that I should do to keep up with being healthy.

I know that it took me a long time to get to where I am today and I should value it more and make an effort to maintain this sense of Zen and tranquility.

It’s important.

Very important.

Along with everything, I will continue to try to do more nature and hiking trips to get me out of the city and walking and hiking and breathing fresh air.

It’s important.

Zen.

Nature.

Peace.

All very important things in my life.

I have only one life and it took me a long time to find this happiness that I am experiencing and I want to prolong it for the rest of my life.

It’s been an upward trajectory for a long time now and I don’t want to buck the trend.

It can only get better right, especially if I am ever fortunate enough to find someone that I would love to share my life with.

It can only get better.

Health. Happiness. It’s a lot of work, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Make and effort.

Do.

I didn’t last.

I tried to make it last but from the outset, it was a failed attempt to begin with.

It started with the low-carb flu and the medications that I took. The Vitamin C with the sugar, the Nyquil with the sucrose, and the Theraflu with everything else.

I’m sure most of the ingredients in the medication wasn’t compliant, but in the end, my stomach did feel better. I didn’t eat any of the bad things and my stomach was in top shape. I was regular. I felt the best I’ve ever felt in a long time.

Then I got deathly sick with the bronchitis and had to take antibiotics. I knew from the second day that I took it that my stomach wasn’t feeling like how it was feeling before I took it. It was different, a little messed up, but I finished the antibiotics anyway. It was part of the regimen to get better.

So, since the antibiotics pretty much killed the probiotics that I had in my stomach, I decided to start reintroducing the irritants back to my system.

What did I start with? Shake Shack.

Burgers.

Bread.

Cheese.

Dairy.

How did I feel?

I felt fine right after, but the next day, my stomach definitely hated me. My mistake was having both dairy and bread, so I’m not sure which was really fucking up my stomach.

The next day, I decided to make some banh mi with the leftover roasted chicken that I made a few days before. I bought some bolillos from Ralph’s and some liver pate.

I did use the kewpie mayo and the Irish butter with the sandwich and soy sauce. So, more irritants.

But it was fucking damn good.

My stomach was doing backflips the next day.

I do think it was the gluten/bread that is fucking me up. That’s the biggest change in my diet in the past year and a half. The baking. The bread.

But should the bread be fucking me up? It’s sourdough, which should be good for my stomach ’cause of the fermentation process that the dough goes through.

I’ll get back to this later.

Chinese food!

Another reason why I decided to stop the cleanse was because of the department lunch. It’s Chinese food. Hop Li. There’s nothing that was compliant in anything that we ate. So, not to be a dick and be restrictive, I said fuck it.

Oh my fucking lord the food was so good. I missed Chinese food.

That night I had KBBQ with Jun and her daughters. Since I wasn’t compliant anyway, might as well.

I thought that my stomach would have been a disaster in terms of pain, but it wasn’t. But I know that the non-compliant food was definitely fucking with my system.

The bloat was back, but not to an extreme. Gas. Constipation. Most symptoms I had before the cleanse came back, but at a lesser degree. Of course, my body could be in shock from everything, but who knows.

At night, I would get up and pee multiple times ’cause it feels like my bowels is pushing down on my bladder. With a healthy stomach, I never had that problem. Maybe just once a night and not multiple.

Last night I had really really cheap Chinese from San Hing.

I’ve decided that I’m going to finish this week out as non-compliant and then get back on the cleanse for a shorter period to get my stomach back to normal. I wanted to experiment with bread and gluten.

Once I get my stomach back in some pristine order, I’ll bake some sourdough bread and see how that affects my stomach. If it fucks it up, then I may have a gluten issue. If it doesn’t, then it’s just a matter of how the bread was made commercially.

Bad ingredients could be the culprit and that could be true. Could be the commercial yeast or flour, who knows.

It’ll be a very interesting experiment.

Then, it’ll be onto another short cleanse and then reintroduce other irritants in a more manageable manner.

The whole point of this cleanse is to figure out what is making me sick and just eating everything isn’t helping the cause.

I must do this shit right and it’s just going to be a long long process, but in the end, the results should be worth it.

* * *

Deathly sick.

It started with the Whole30 diet and me fighting the low-carb flu. I was fine for the most part, able to get back on some semblance of health, but then that started to change toward the end of last week when things just went downhill. The coughing and the general fatigue set in.

It was Friday, the 10th. We were doing the media moves that were planned the day before, but we had technical difficulties.

For the most part, the move went well. Most everyone did their part to help with the move except for the few that annoy the fuck out of me that only showed up at the end after only setting up two or three users. Fucking useless.

As the day wore on with all the moves and running back and forth between offices, my body started to fail me. Sure, I didn’t get the chance to take care of my body like I normally would, like drink water or eat something, especially with the diet that I am on, but I powered through.

There were times near the end of the day when my breathing became short and I almost passed out in the middle of the hallways. I survived.

I went home and drank some medicine and just went to sleep at 6pm. I woke up later in the night to take Pickles out and then I went back to bed and didn’t roll out of bed until closer to 10.

I showered, walked Pickles and decided not to do my normal routine and went back to bed. I didn’t get out of bed until close to 4pm that day. I slept for about 20 hours. 20 fucking hours. I was sick.

I was dying and it wasn’t good.

Sunday was a little different in terms that I was awake for most of the day just sitting on the futon watching TV and movies. It was relaxing. I didn’t leave the house and that’s how a sick person should spend their weekend.

Monday. Oh Monday, I woke up feeling like shit, but I managed to get myself out of bed and got myself to work. I wanted to be at work because of the new people that were starting and thought I should be there to help with the setups and any questions or problems that may arise. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized that I was in no shape to be in the office.

I only worked an hour-and-a-half before I left for home at 9. I knew things weren’t going to work out when I felt lightheaded and almost fainted twice from standing at my desk. Both times, I just took a seat and breathed it out. I walked my ass to the Expo line, then home, and then went to go get some meds and then knocked the fuck out.

Unfortunately for me on that day, Pickles got the shits, so every few hours I had to get up and walk his ass.

It’s been a rough two weeks of being sick, but I’m on the mend. I went to the doctor and got my meds and I’m actually feeling better.

Let’s hope that this will be the last of this illness for a while, because it wasn’t fucking fun.

* * *

The big moves are happening over the long weekend in the office. I don’t know how things are going to work out, but I have zero faith in it.

Zero.

Usually when I have zero faith, things go well, so, I guess we’ll see what happens on Monday when the movers/packers come back to setup the workstations. I’ll stop by for a few hours to help, but Tuesday is going to be the big day.

Most everyone is moving. 200+ moves and now I’ll have to relearn where most everyone sits. It’s going to be interesting.

* * *

Whole30.

It’s still going. I’m sure I have broken the cleanse so many times especially with all the drugs I took to get better, but for the most part, in terms of ingesting food, I’ve been doing well. Well, maybe except the hummus on Thursday, but man, it was good and I totally forgot that I can’t have it. Oops?!?

I got about a week-and-a-half to two weeks left in the cleanse and then I can start reintroducing all the yummy stuff back to my diet. I hope that it isn’t as bad as it was and that I can eat everything without any problems and that my stomach just needed a little reset. I hope.

As of today, I lost about 13 pounds in this cleans. Five of those pounds were lost overnight during the beginning of my sickness, on that night that I slept for 20 hours.

I’m at the lowest weight since about twenty or so years and I need to put some weight back on. I think about I’m good between 145 and 150 where I’ve been for the past few years. Slowly, I’ll get up there once I start to reintroduce stuff back to my body.

* * *

The darkness was bright.

The silence was loud.

Who would have thought that those were so pronounced during my short two-hour experience in a sensory deprivation tank?

Float Lab, located in Westwood, is the closes float tank next to me. I’ve wanted to try a sensory deprivation experience for a while now and watching a few BuzzFeed videos, I’ve decided to look into it.

I booked my appointment earlier in the week and today was the day.

Overall, it was an interesting experience. I didn’t know what to expect with the experience. I understood the concept, but I didn’t know how my body and most importantly my mind would take it.

Would I freak out and get claustrophobic? Would my mind wander down some dark places or would it find stillness in the void and reach a level of Nirvana? I didn’t know.

How was the experience? It was…interesting.

I would do it again.

I’ve been sick most of the week since I started with the Whole30 diet. My body is fighting the low-carb flu as it finds ketosis and I’m still recovering from that. I’m not at 100%, plus my neck had been so fucked up that it hurts. I have a chiropractic appointment next week to help relieve the pain.

I’m sure that if I was at 100% health that my experience would have been a little more different.

One thing that I didn’t expect was how much you feel your body while in the tank. I felt every muscle sore and joint creak.

For most of the two hours that I floated, all I felt was my neck and how much it hurt. As I moved my legs, stretching them, bending them, I felt the joint pains and the tightness of my muscles. It brought to attention how fucked up and how tense my body was.

Also, I had to pee. Fuck, I had to pee so bad that I almost peed in the pool, but I held it. Just when I felt that I needed to relieve myself, the knock came to let me know that my time was up.

Next time, no water. Don’t drink anything before, only after.

* * *

My body was loud even though it can’t speak.

Different parts of it screamed at me for attention. My bladder pounded and pressed, wanting to be relieved.

My knees creaked as I adjusted my legs. My neck ached as it found its balance. My limbs screamed at phantom contact, thinking that they touched the wall, when there was nothing there.

There’s nothing to focus on in there but your body.

I focused on my breathing. In. Out. In out in out.

In.

Out.

Each breath loud in my head. Each breath reverberates an echo, like a cycle and each exhale was like a gale force wind blowing past my ears.

Loud.

Stomach noises ping my ears with its burps and movements.

In the end, my body was an orchestra playing its distinct symphony of a half-broken man, hoping to change its tune.

* * *

Mind wanderings.

It was fine. It was safe.

I kept mindfulness, being present, trying not to let my mind wander down any rabbit holes or paths that I didn’t want to go or know that I wouldn’t be able to get control of it again.

It was safe.

It focused on the breathing. It focused on the experience, taking in any sensations and observations and making notes.

I saw a lot of green in the dark; then the colors muted to gray dancing clouds in front of my eyes like the Aurora Borealis.

The water and tank was warm, hot even when I first entered, but then cooled as our temperatures found each other.

Notes and observations. My mind took in everything.

It wandered from time to time….

My father. My life. Am I happy? Girls, infatuations…but the wandering was minimal.

Time.

I wondered about time. How long has it been? How much time did I had left?

I was surprised at how much my mind didn’t wander. Very surprised, but it did wander some as there was a moment when I felt that I drifted off to a restful sleep, dreaming of random flickerings that only the subconscious could do.

Those were short and random.

* * *

Spinning.

In the pitch-black, no visual reference, floating in a vast empty void, my mind did at times believe that I was in a vastness of emptiness.

At times, I felt that I was slowly spinning in a circle like a leaf in a still pond. It rotates without a care, but I was still in the water.

It was a very strange feeling, being able to let go reality and believing in that lie.

I think next time, I should allow myself to lose control and not focus on anything. I think because it was the first time, I felt that I needed to take everything in and see if I like what was happening.

I did enjoy the moments of floating and letting go, embracing that feeling of being in nothing. It was nice. It was calm.

* * *

Stretching. Finding place.

There were times when I would just float to the side of the pool and that throws you off and you fight to center yourself or to a point in the pool where you are just floating in emptiness again. Those are the times when it takes you out of everything and you try to get back.

But then there are times near the end when you just stretch to see what happens. You contort your body into different shapes to see what happens. You get listless.

I was there near the end, that listlessness. I think if I was stuck in that mindset for another hour I would have lost it and would have gone to dark places. But in the end, I knew that I had control. I chose to be there and I had the ability to get myself out of it.

* * *

The end.

Leaving.

I showered and walked up the stairs and then out into the world again.

The world was the same as I left it, if not a little brighter and a little louder, but with a sense of calm and serenity.

Even now, my body still feels calm. My mind feels calm. Relaxed.

I’m plugged into the world, in my devices, with all of its distractions that I am comfortable with. There’s no anxiety, but a tranquil veil of normalcy.

I like this feeling.

There’s no pressure. There’s no fear.

Zen.

We’re just nine days in. Nine!

In nine days, he pretty much turned America upside down. In nine days, he set out to do everything that he promised on the campaign trail and I have to admit, he’s actually fucking doing it. He’s actually following through on his promises.

I don’t know if I should be impressed or not. I set the bar so low on his presidency that I didn’t know what to expect. He’s a wildcard, a man who’s so into his persona that is all he shows.

I thought he might be different from that once he takes office. There was a bit of optimism in me that he’ll become an actual human being and let his persona and whatever facade that he puts up to get the votes fade away and actually be presidential.

I was wrong. We’re just fucking nine days in. Fucking NINE.

The world is upside down. The nation is in an uproar over his executive orders.

At the rate that he’s going, I don’t think he’ll last six months before he gets kicked out of the office.

Whatever optimism I had for his presidency is now gone and realism sunk in.

We’re fucked.

I’m just going to let things go like I normally do and just go on about my life. On a micro level, my life won’t change. My day-to-day won’t change.

I’ll follow up on the news to be informed, but I won’t be incensed like the rest of the nation is. I’ll sit back and just laugh at the joke that is now the Presidency of the United States of America.

America has lost its North Star and now in a downward spiral.

Trump will be the last greatest American President. After a few more months, I don’t think there will be an “America” that I recognize anymore.

Sigh.

Welcome to politics.

Welcome to the new America.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year!

Gung Hay Fat Choi!

It’s the year of the Rooster and from everything that I read, it’ll be an okay year, but no relationships! Status quo.

Another year of status quo and I’m quite okay with that. Very okay with that.

* * *

There have been so many protests and marches because of Trump in his first nine days than I have ever fucking seen.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Holy fucking hell.

* * *

I’m at a point where I’m just reading up on the news and anticipating what is next.

It’ll definitely be something ridiculous.

‘murica!

* * *

Tarot.

Readings.

I’m the type of the person who likes to believe in signs and destiny and all that mumbo jumbo bullshit. It’s entertainment and at times entertaining with some of the predictions that happens. It is what it is.

These are things that one should take with a grain of salt.

But what if the whole aura and personal energy of the mystics are true and each and every one emits their energy out into the world to be read and mingled with the Earth’s and the cosmos’s energy and they determine your fate and destiny? What if?

Again, grain of salt.

There’s a receptionist at my work who does readings. She’s in tune with the mystics and from time to time I’ll take readings from her. These are simple readings, no formations or what not. Just think about a question and pull a card.

I’ve even had MD pull a few cards for me.

Of course, whenever I pull a card I want to know about love or about a girl, but it seems that all the cards that I pull are great cards. But they don’t apply to my question in hand.

They seem more about my state of mind or my state of being and where I am in my life. They all describe my life and how I am feeling, which is confident, balanced, direction, I have a path, etc. etc.

They are all great things and they all apply to my life right now. I am experiencing all of these things and am in a great place in my life.

With this positive energy, how does it apply to the questions that I asked.

From what I can gather, live my life as I am living now. Follow this path and don’t force anything. Things will happen when it happens. I have a direction; I have a path in my life and I just have to let it happen.

Don’t force it.

So, I should just let things happen organically. It’s not like I am a man of inaction, I am a man of security. It must feel right and it must feel secure and sometimes that takes time to figure out.

Or maybe that’s just me telling myself that I am on the right track but that I’m afraid and therefore I don’t act.

* * *

The year just started and I’m already thinking about my birthday trip already. I would like to do another short getaway to nature and I am thinking the Carlsbad Caverns National Park in Carlsbad, NM.

It’ll be a 13 hour or so drive. I think the question for me to figure out is what days that I want to take off and how I should plan the drive, whether I should just take one day to drive there and one day to drive back and two days at the caves OR take two days to drive there, two days at the cave, and then one day to drive back.

I’m sure I’ll have everything figured out when the times gets closer and I have a better understanding of how much time I have off for everything. I still need to keep our European Trip in mind when planning my trips along with possible work trips.

The work trips are iffy because they aren’t any major renovation or upgrades. Most of the work are setting up new users and that can be taken care of from SM.

I just want to leave it open in case there is a need for me to travel, but in all honesty, Carel will probably be handling these travels if there is a need. Of course he will.

* * *

At the moment, my little health scare that I had before and during the break seems to be over.

I checked my blood pressure today and it seems to be back to normal. I have my physical on Wednesday and hope that everything checks out okay.

I do want to get my stomach issues looked at more closely ’cause it is definitely fucking with me and I don’t understand why. It’s pissing me the fuck off. What’s wrong with me?

With the new year and the issues I had, I started to run when I got back into town. It lasted three days. My knee started to hurt. It’s the usual knee pain that I’ve had most of my life.

Fuck my knees. I stopped running and to let it heal and I still haven’t run since then.

I’ve been doing yoga at home instead. I’m slowly working my way into it again. I found a series of videos on YouTube and I’ve been doing that. We’re taking it slow, which is good for me. I’m getting good stretches in my body, but I still need to find ways to get my heart rate up, more cardio that is low impact on my knees.

Maybe yoga is all I need. I don’t know, but I need to focus on my health. That’ll be one of my projects this year. Better health.

I am getting old and I should worry and focus on living a healthier lifestyle.

Maybe I should change my diet. I haven’t decided yet.

Honestly, it’s not like my diet is horrible. It’s actually not bad. I cook about 6 nights of the week using whole ingredients and limit my intake of processed foods. I’m getting into the habit of making things from scratch if I can.

It’s good.

I don’t eat a lot of red meat. I do eat it, but not as much as I use to, just a few times a month and I’m adding more and more veggies to my diet.

Wheat. That’s the big question. Is it bad for me? Do I have an actual problem with gluten?

I don’t think so, but I have been eating a lot more bread than I normally do and it’s because I’m in the habit of baking.

I should do the no carb thing or at least no wheat and dairy and no corn and peas for a month and see how I feel. It’ll be a true Whole 30 diet.

After the Chinese New Year. February. That’ll be the time to do it since I will have more control over my diet then.

Let’s see.

* * *

Hipster.

The tarot reader asked if I was a hipster the other day. MD came to my defense and said I am my own person.

Hipster.

I am not a hipster. I don’t see myself as a hipster. There is really nothing NOTHING hipster about me, but most everyone thinks I am one.

Offended.

Very offended.

WHY?

I don’t think I dress like a hipster. I dress more like a preppy dude then a hipster, but I guess the lines are blurred and I don’t understand it.

I don’t have the temperament or the attitude of a hipster.

I don’t do things just to be original or like particular things just to be different.

I will never understand it.

I guess I’ll have to find someone to talk to who don’t know me much and ask how they see me, ’cause I honestly don’t fucking get it.

I don’t fucking get it.

Well, not really erotica live.

Over the break I found a new podcast, My Dad Wrote a Porno.

The premise is simple, one of the hosts’ father wrote some erotica, Belinda Blinked, and every week, he’ll read a chapter to his two friends and record their reactions and commentary.

Hilarious.

It’s a great podcast and it got me to wonder if there any good legitimate erotica that is modern day or even YA.

After a Google search, there are quite a few.

I haven’t read any of them of course, but it piqued my interest to write my own. I have zero faith in it being good, but it is something worth looking into.

I’ll self-publish it on amazon prime as an ebook or something. Who knows?

I just have to figure out a story, or should I just write and a story would develop. It’s one of those things, me being a writer, I have no clue about. Outlining is important to get a story structure, but then again, I’m a bad writer.

Maybe it’ll be something that I’ll incorporate into my prose project from last year. Too much to think about.

I know I do want to be published and it is just time to fucking do things.

Should I use a pen name? Maybe with the erotica, I should.

Lots of research now.

The first entry.

This is the first full entry that I wrote in the new year. The last one, posted on the first was started well before, so, this is the first.

The good news, the great Hope at work happened. We got some major new business and the next three months will be hectic with bringing on a flood of new people and preparing the agency for the new work.

Also, the Teams Task Force is going all out with a trial of MS Teams and I’ll be a big part of it for training and troubleshoot.

I find it funny that there are quite a few people in the task force don’t understand the scope of the project. They all insist on making it a comparison with Slack when that shouldn’t be the case. It should be whether MS Teams is a good and efficient tool in doing work and nothing else. If it is, then great. If it isn’t, then we’ll have to pass.

So, work is going to be crazy, but it’ll be a good crazy and things are looking up and up. Let’s just hope the economy doesn’t tank under the new administration.

Hope.

* * *

The New Year.

It’s going and I’m going along with it.

I’ve made a significant dent in my cooking project already. I’ve already five dishes in and today will be the sixth with a Spicy Tomato and Onion Jam. I was inspired by the burrata dish that we had at Marzano’s up in Tacoma over Christmas break.

I thought it’ll go well with bread and so I’m baking a few loaves over this weekend. Six loaves, in which I’ll give five away.

With these loaves, I’ve upped the hydration to 70% and hope to get a good grasp on the dough and have an open crumb. I’m using the same technique that I used for the 65% hydration dough from Trevor J. Wilson at Breadwerx.com.

I am confident that at least a few of the loaves will turn out okay, even though I didn’t follow his recipe to a T. I forgot to put the freshly mixed dough in the fridge and then take it out for the overnight autolysis. I just mixed and left it out. But, I think it’ll be fine. It was a little cool last night, so the heat wouldn’t affect it too much.

I guess we shall see tomorrow.

I think I’m going to do a 10+ hour cold proof in the fridge and bake it in the afternoon tomorrow.

Then, I can have my burrata and tomato jam. I can’t wait.

I don’t know why I’ve been so gung ho about cooking this year. On the first, I decided to do the traditional Southern New Year’s tradition that the Carters introduced to me; eating black-eyed-peas, collard greens, and fried chicken to start the New Year.

The peas are for luck/fortune, whereas the collards are for money/wealth. I didn’t make the cornbread from scratch, but used a box mix instead. I still counted it, I didn’t care. It was a little dry, but I think that’s how cornbread should be.

I’m not sure.

That feast was a little impromptu and was more of an urge to make and since it was meant to be eaten on New Year’s Day, I had a time limit to just do it, otherwise I’d have to wait another fucking year.

I had originally planned to make umbricelli instead, but I put that on the back burner for a day or two.

Umbricelli is a flour and water based pasta where you roll out the noodles by hand instead of using a machine. The noodles will be round and thicker and very rustic, taking different sizes and length.

It was amazing. There was a great chew to the noodles and the beef and mushroom ragu I made the night before was amazing. I used a plain can of tomato sauce and added my own flavors. Next time, I’ll use tomato puree and make my own sauce instead.

The trick to creating a tomato sauce is to make it the day before. Overnight sauce adds more flavor and is just plain better.

* * *

I was ambitious last night with my fifth dish of the project. Kimchi.

I still had a head of napa cabbage from Sister in my fridge and wanted to do something with it. I didn’t know if it was rotten or old or what, I just know that I wanted to make something out of it and thought of kimchi.

I got the ingredients and started to work on it. The cabbage was a little old, but I used it anyway. I didn’t want to go out to the store and buy a fresh head.

It’s a long and arduous process, but it’s actually pretty simple to make.

I decided to make a cucumber kimchi also with the remaining paste.

The cabbage kimchi will sit out on my kitchen floor for about two days before I put it in the fridge to ferment for another day or two before I open it and taste it. The cucumber kimchi should be ready tonight. It’s been in the fridge and I have no idea how any of it is going to turn out.

I have faith that it’ll be edible, but who knows.

* * *

Cooking. Being alone. Solitude.

It just heals my mental health. I just cook and listen to a book or even some stand-up comedy. Something to pass the time.

It’s so much a part of my life and habit now, that I can’t imagine not doing it.

Let’s see if I can focus on other aspects of my life and hobbies, like writing.

The year is still early and long. There’s a lot of time to do everything.

* * *

Something came to my mind last night as I was falling asleep. I wondered what I wrote in that little Happy Things list that I wrote when I first started this blog 13 years ago.

It was something that Lisa tasked me to do, to help with getting my mind out of the gutter and to lift me out of my depression after my father passed away. It was a kind of therapy if you will.

I looked over the little list this morning and I found it to be a mish-mash list of things, times, and events that made me happy. It consisted of Jack-in-the-Box 99 cents tacos, to fried chicken, to the memory of my first real drink after I turned 21. They were little small moments in my life and fond memories that warms my heart.

It was a good list.

I did another similar list back in January 2014. This list wasn’t as exhaustive as the first one and was more about things that actually made me happy. Cooking. Food. Hiking. Streaming. Thoughts and feelings.

I made that list when I first started going to therapy. It was well before I had my epiphany and breakthrough with my dad’s death and I was still going through my mid-life-crisis, but it was still a good list.

It was also close to 11 years after I wrote the first list, so I was a different person at that time. Looking at the list, one can see the maturity in the things that made me happy.

I feel like making another list, but I don’t know what the list should be. Things that make me happy? Things that stick in my mind? Are there any other things that came into my life that I haven’t already written down in these two lists?

I’m sure there is, but should I wait another 10 years to write another one? Too soon?

Or maybe it’ll be a different list with my new insight in life, being free and a little more fixed from the issues I had with my dad. I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just write a list with whatever that comes to my mind and just go from there; a general observation of me, if you will.

Here we go, a stupid list, Just a List:

1. Being boring.

   I see myself as a boring person, yet interesting at the same time. What do I mean? I think other people would think I am boring. I don’t go out. I don’t socialize or do any cool things like hang out with friends or go to concerts or parties. I don’t do things with other people and I can be a little quiet at times, especially if I have nothing to say or if I’m in a large group.

   But in a way, I think I’m interesting. I think the solo things that I do are interesting. My love of art and photography, reading, cooking, hiking, and traveling and I’m sure other little things that I do. I think they are all interesting hobbies and I’ve had some very great experiences in all the different places that I’ve been.

   It’s a weird dichotomy, but I guess in a way, everyone thinks what they do is interesting and that most everyone think they are boring.

2. Self-awareness.

   I’ve always been an introspective person. Ever since high school when I was trying to figure out myself and why I was the way I am. There was that pressure that I was feeling, my depression and I was trying to figure myself out to get myself out of it. It took a lot of work and I finally understood what I was going through and the building pressure that I was putting on myself because of my parents.

   As I grew, I learned a lot about myself and accepted my many faults and strengths and made an effort to find what I still needed to work on in my life and to figure out a way to fix it. Growing up is an everyday project and it never ends. As I make noted in my yearly blogs around the end of the year and on my birthday, if I am not learning, I’m not growing.

   It’s important for me to know who I am and just be comfortable with who I am. I’ve struggled with my identity for so long, to fit in and feel comfortable in my own skin that I know I just want to always be a better version of myself. Self-awareness gives me the foresight to do that.

   I know I have many faults to work on. I know I need to stop being so stubborn, to go out more, to be open to letting someone in. They are all a work-in-progress. I’m a work-in-progress.

   Baby steps.

3. Communication.

   I would like to think that I’m an open book. Many people don’t see that, even those who work with me daily probably don’t think that I’m an open book. I am. It’s just that I’m a special kind of open book. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me, you just have to ask.

   I’m not going to willy-nilly just drop something personal out just like that. If I have a personal anecdote that I could say during a conversation and if it comes up organically, yes, I’ll tell you, but other than that, most people will just have to ask.

   It’s a weird way to do it, but it is the way I am. I don’t see any other way.

   But how does this apply to communication, because it’s all about information. It’s about being clear with what you are trying to say, and the easiest way is to be honest about things. Don’t lie.

   I tend to be very forward also and blunt in some of my interactions, especially if it is work and I need to get information. All small talk falls to the way side. All cutesy language. Don’t beat around the bush and just say what you mean so people can’t interpret what you say differently from how you intend it to mean.

   It’s still a work-in-progress to get everything clear since I’m not a big talker, but it is something that I am aware of and want to work on.

   Communicate. Be honest. Be clear. It’s the easiest way to clear up any confusion, to get everyone on the same page.

4. Fear and insecurities.

   I’m not fearless and I’m not confident in many aspects of my life. Even though at times it may look that way, but I’m like most everyone else, full of fears and insecurities.

   Look at this little blog of mine, spilling out all my anxiety and neurosis. It’s all about my fears and insecurities.

   In a way, they are good things to have. These are things that one should work on overcoming. It makes you feel alive, while at the same time, keep you alive. It makes one take life a little more cautious and a little less cavalier.

   One of my biggest fears is getting my heart broken again. Like I claimed before, my heart currently only has room from my family and my furkids, no more. Losing my grandma and especially my father shattered my ability to love. It’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m still single today. I don’t think my heart would be able to take it.

   It’s that fear of obtaining the one thing that makes you happy and then getting it stripped away out of your control. FEAR. But I know it’s rational, but it is something that I must overcome if I want to experience love and to be with someone.

   I must be willing to go through that pain again, to allow for that possibility, be more vulnerable and to let someone in.

   I just have to realize that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, especially on this aspect of life. I know that it’s not the end of the world. I survived my father’s death and I’m sure that I’ll survive losing love and even something as silly as being rejected.

   I don’t ask girls out because of that fear and then there are times when I’m in a relationship that I feel that I’m just not interesting enough to keep the girl. Insecurities.

   My life is full of them. It’s a mindset. I must suck it up and own my life.

   I’ve prostrated so many times on this blog that this is my life and this is how I want to live my life and I’m happy about it, so I shouldn’t give a fuck about it, but like any other person, we all have these insecurities.

   It’ll be a forever long progress, but as I’ll, little by little, overcome these fears and insecurities and they’ll be replaced by new ones as I go into a different phase of my life. I can’t worry about those yet, but should focus on the ones that I fix now.

5. Pessimism.

   This is tricky. I know for the longest time that I was a pessimist, but many years ago, I adopted more of a realist attitude than a pessimistic one. It fits with how I see life, shit happens. Life is neither just good or bad, but something in between. There are good things and bad things.

   Many think that I’m very negative and I can see that, but there’s a large part of me that is optimistic, it’s just balanced with that negative side. I see and understand a lot of people and the world and how things work. I’m not blind to just pessimistic or optimistic blinders.

   I take into account that sometimes; things don’t work out the way they are supposed to be and failure is a part of life. Not everything will go your way and you should prepare for that. You do and try to get what you want, but sometimes you are not successful. In a way, it’s about tempering expectations.

   I know that I need to work on it more, be a little optimistic in my life and how I want things to be and go, but there’s always that part of me that keeps that in check. Maybe I should just think the best of everything.

   I spoke about this numerous times, that out of the blue there’s this sense of optimism that popped up many many years ago and it is still here. I still believe in the end, everything will work out okay. It’ll never be life or death.

   Things will be okay and I should be a little more positive in everything.

   Maybe it’s something for me to work on in 2017.

6. Action.

   I daydream quite a bit. My mind tends to wander into its own little fantasy world where I act on my thoughts, like asking the girl out, or saying the right things, or even doing things or going to places without a care.

   Unfortunately, that is never true because most everything that I’ve listed here holds me back on these thoughts. My fears, insecurities, neurosis; they all hold me back.

   I’m disappointed in these bouts of wishful thinking and knowing that I’ll never do anything about it. I get mad at myself when these thoughts creep into my mind and all I’m doing is just hoping and wishing that they come true and I know that in a way, I have all the power and control in whether these things happen and I am passive. I don’t act.

   Sure, there are some thoughts that are a little more out of my control or it concerns another party and I don’t know what they are going to do, but there’s a part of me that thinks I should be a little more optimistic and do it.

   It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for a long time now, to not be this passive observer in my fantasies and dreams and be active in making it happen.

   It’s just my fears are holding me back.

7. Carefree.

   Many who knows me knows that I don’t care about much. I simply just don’t give a fuck about many things that people care about.

   Why?

   Because it doesn’t concern me or I have no control in changing the situation.

   The old adage goes, care about the things that you have control over and just let the things that you don’t have control over go. There’s no point in stressing out about something that you have no say or control over.

   Let it go.

   You’ll be happier for it.

   Just care about the things that are meaningful to you, things that you have a direct effect on and everything else, fuck it.

   Life got so much easier when I stopped giving a fuck about everything.

   It’s a matter of living more simply.

This is just of list of thoughts. Maybe subconsciously I wrote it out to be a list of reminders of things that I need to work on myself, things that I need to do to help grow and be a better version of me.

It’s an incomplete list, but it is a great start.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list in one form or another as the year and my life progress.

Here’s to 2017.

To another great year of progress, growth, and continued learning.

To another year of refinement.

To another year of me.