Something came to my mind last night as I was falling asleep. I wondered what I wrote in that little Happy Things list that I wrote when I first started this blog 13 years ago.

It was something that Lisa tasked me to do, to help with getting my mind out of the gutter and to lift me out of my depression after my father passed away. It was a kind of therapy if you will.

I looked over the little list this morning and I found it to be a mish-mash list of things, times, and events that made me happy. It consisted of Jack-in-the-Box 99 cents tacos, to fried chicken, to the memory of my first real drink after I turned 21. They were little small moments in my life and fond memories that warms my heart.

It was a good list.

I did another similar list back in January 2014. This list wasn’t as exhaustive as the first one and was more about things that actually made me happy. Cooking. Food. Hiking. Streaming. Thoughts and feelings.

I made that list when I first started going to therapy. It was well before I had my epiphany and breakthrough with my dad’s death and I was still going through my mid-life-crisis, but it was still a good list.

It was also close to 11 years after I wrote the first list, so I was a different person at that time. Looking at the list, one can see the maturity in the things that made me happy.

I feel like making another list, but I don’t know what the list should be. Things that make me happy? Things that stick in my mind? Are there any other things that came into my life that I haven’t already written down in these two lists?

I’m sure there is, but should I wait another 10 years to write another one? Too soon?

Or maybe it’ll be a different list with my new insight in life, being free and a little more fixed from the issues I had with my dad. I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just write a list with whatever that comes to my mind and just go from there; a general observation of me, if you will.

Here we go, a stupid list, Just a List:

1. Being boring.

   I see myself as a boring person, yet interesting at the same time. What do I mean? I think other people would think I am boring. I don’t go out. I don’t socialize or do any cool things like hang out with friends or go to concerts or parties. I don’t do things with other people and I can be a little quiet at times, especially if I have nothing to say or if I’m in a large group.

   But in a way, I think I’m interesting. I think the solo things that I do are interesting. My love of art and photography, reading, cooking, hiking, and traveling and I’m sure other little things that I do. I think they are all interesting hobbies and I’ve had some very great experiences in all the different places that I’ve been.

   It’s a weird dichotomy, but I guess in a way, everyone thinks what they do is interesting and that most everyone think they are boring.

2. Self-awareness.

   I’ve always been an introspective person. Ever since high school when I was trying to figure out myself and why I was the way I am. There was that pressure that I was feeling, my depression and I was trying to figure myself out to get myself out of it. It took a lot of work and I finally understood what I was going through and the building pressure that I was putting on myself because of my parents.

   As I grew, I learned a lot about myself and accepted my many faults and strengths and made an effort to find what I still needed to work on in my life and to figure out a way to fix it. Growing up is an everyday project and it never ends. As I make noted in my yearly blogs around the end of the year and on my birthday, if I am not learning, I’m not growing.

   It’s important for me to know who I am and just be comfortable with who I am. I’ve struggled with my identity for so long, to fit in and feel comfortable in my own skin that I know I just want to always be a better version of myself. Self-awareness gives me the foresight to do that.

   I know I have many faults to work on. I know I need to stop being so stubborn, to go out more, to be open to letting someone in. They are all a work-in-progress. I’m a work-in-progress.

   Baby steps.

3. Communication.

   I would like to think that I’m an open book. Many people don’t see that, even those who work with me daily probably don’t think that I’m an open book. I am. It’s just that I’m a special kind of open book. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me, you just have to ask.

   I’m not going to willy-nilly just drop something personal out just like that. If I have a personal anecdote that I could say during a conversation and if it comes up organically, yes, I’ll tell you, but other than that, most people will just have to ask.

   It’s a weird way to do it, but it is the way I am. I don’t see any other way.

   But how does this apply to communication, because it’s all about information. It’s about being clear with what you are trying to say, and the easiest way is to be honest about things. Don’t lie.

   I tend to be very forward also and blunt in some of my interactions, especially if it is work and I need to get information. All small talk falls to the way side. All cutesy language. Don’t beat around the bush and just say what you mean so people can’t interpret what you say differently from how you intend it to mean.

   It’s still a work-in-progress to get everything clear since I’m not a big talker, but it is something that I am aware of and want to work on.

   Communicate. Be honest. Be clear. It’s the easiest way to clear up any confusion, to get everyone on the same page.

4. Fear and insecurities.

   I’m not fearless and I’m not confident in many aspects of my life. Even though at times it may look that way, but I’m like most everyone else, full of fears and insecurities.

   Look at this little blog of mine, spilling out all my anxiety and neurosis. It’s all about my fears and insecurities.

   In a way, they are good things to have. These are things that one should work on overcoming. It makes you feel alive, while at the same time, keep you alive. It makes one take life a little more cautious and a little less cavalier.

   One of my biggest fears is getting my heart broken again. Like I claimed before, my heart currently only has room from my family and my furkids, no more. Losing my grandma and especially my father shattered my ability to love. It’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m still single today. I don’t think my heart would be able to take it.

   It’s that fear of obtaining the one thing that makes you happy and then getting it stripped away out of your control. FEAR. But I know it’s rational, but it is something that I must overcome if I want to experience love and to be with someone.

   I must be willing to go through that pain again, to allow for that possibility, be more vulnerable and to let someone in.

   I just have to realize that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, especially on this aspect of life. I know that it’s not the end of the world. I survived my father’s death and I’m sure that I’ll survive losing love and even something as silly as being rejected.

   I don’t ask girls out because of that fear and then there are times when I’m in a relationship that I feel that I’m just not interesting enough to keep the girl. Insecurities.

   My life is full of them. It’s a mindset. I must suck it up and own my life.

   I’ve prostrated so many times on this blog that this is my life and this is how I want to live my life and I’m happy about it, so I shouldn’t give a fuck about it, but like any other person, we all have these insecurities.

   It’ll be a forever long progress, but as I’ll, little by little, overcome these fears and insecurities and they’ll be replaced by new ones as I go into a different phase of my life. I can’t worry about those yet, but should focus on the ones that I fix now.

5. Pessimism.

   This is tricky. I know for the longest time that I was a pessimist, but many years ago, I adopted more of a realist attitude than a pessimistic one. It fits with how I see life, shit happens. Life is neither just good or bad, but something in between. There are good things and bad things.

   Many think that I’m very negative and I can see that, but there’s a large part of me that is optimistic, it’s just balanced with that negative side. I see and understand a lot of people and the world and how things work. I’m not blind to just pessimistic or optimistic blinders.

   I take into account that sometimes; things don’t work out the way they are supposed to be and failure is a part of life. Not everything will go your way and you should prepare for that. You do and try to get what you want, but sometimes you are not successful. In a way, it’s about tempering expectations.

   I know that I need to work on it more, be a little optimistic in my life and how I want things to be and go, but there’s always that part of me that keeps that in check. Maybe I should just think the best of everything.

   I spoke about this numerous times, that out of the blue there’s this sense of optimism that popped up many many years ago and it is still here. I still believe in the end, everything will work out okay. It’ll never be life or death.

   Things will be okay and I should be a little more positive in everything.

   Maybe it’s something for me to work on in 2017.

6. Action.

   I daydream quite a bit. My mind tends to wander into its own little fantasy world where I act on my thoughts, like asking the girl out, or saying the right things, or even doing things or going to places without a care.

   Unfortunately, that is never true because most everything that I’ve listed here holds me back on these thoughts. My fears, insecurities, neurosis; they all hold me back.

   I’m disappointed in these bouts of wishful thinking and knowing that I’ll never do anything about it. I get mad at myself when these thoughts creep into my mind and all I’m doing is just hoping and wishing that they come true and I know that in a way, I have all the power and control in whether these things happen and I am passive. I don’t act.

   Sure, there are some thoughts that are a little more out of my control or it concerns another party and I don’t know what they are going to do, but there’s a part of me that thinks I should be a little more optimistic and do it.

   It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for a long time now, to not be this passive observer in my fantasies and dreams and be active in making it happen.

   It’s just my fears are holding me back.

7. Carefree.

   Many who knows me knows that I don’t care about much. I simply just don’t give a fuck about many things that people care about.

   Why?

   Because it doesn’t concern me or I have no control in changing the situation.

   The old adage goes, care about the things that you have control over and just let the things that you don’t have control over go. There’s no point in stressing out about something that you have no say or control over.

   Let it go.

   You’ll be happier for it.

   Just care about the things that are meaningful to you, things that you have a direct effect on and everything else, fuck it.

   Life got so much easier when I stopped giving a fuck about everything.

   It’s a matter of living more simply.

This is just of list of thoughts. Maybe subconsciously I wrote it out to be a list of reminders of things that I need to work on myself, things that I need to do to help grow and be a better version of me.

It’s an incomplete list, but it is a great start.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list in one form or another as the year and my life progress.

Here’s to 2017.

To another great year of progress, growth, and continued learning.

To another year of refinement.

To another year of me.