Cold. Chilly. Bone deep chills try to latch onto the warmth of my body, but it finds none.

I am officially back in reality, back at home, in sunny brisk Los Angeles. Back to life, back to reality. No longer on vacation, no longer on break, 2015 officially begins.

Here I am in my usually doing my usual thing. It’ll be my last one for a bit as I try to go back to my creative writing, try to finish my current script which is about 30 or so pages away from being finished. I hope I can just knock it out and forget about it for a while.

Here I am in my spot, this Vesuvius of Boba, Volcano, jotting down my thoughts and my contemplations, working out my fingers like I normally would do. Nothing much has changed, but it feels like everything has changed.

Life is going. Life is flying by as I just type away. Life is fleeting and that is something that I have been noticing in all of my years for writing.

* * *

Daisy stopped in her tracks as she stepped into the shop and saw me adjusting my table. It took a second or two for her to recognize me, but her smile said it all, surprised that I am back. It had been almost two weeks since we’ve seen each other.

She stood there, looking at me, finding words as she took all of me in. I’m back.

“How was your trip?” she asked.

“Cold. How were things here?”

“Cold, but I’m sure not as cold there” in her accented English.

“No, I’m sure it wasn’t.”

“Welcome back,” and she slipped behind the counter into the kitchen.

Quick and sincere, our pleasantries were exchanged and I unpacked the rest of my things from the messenger bag, placing each item on the table one at a time. Phone. Headphones. Laptop.

I sat down and stretched out my fingers, prepping it for the dexterity test it’ll go through with the writing that I planned.

Cubes of ice clanged in the plastic cup. It was my sign that my drink, which I haven’t ordered yet, was being made. Daisy worked with grace behind the counter, putting my usual simple drink together.

I met her at the register.

“How as your Christmas and New Year?”

She laughed. It was a cute laugh, and I couldn’t figure out what was so funny as she answered.

“It was good. I had a good Christmas and New Year. Thank you. $3.54”

Currency was exchanged with smiles along with wishes for a happy new year and with that, Daisy and I went our separate ways. That was the basis of our simple relationship. Nothing but pleasantries.

* * *

I don’t plan to do much today. This weekend will be a continuation of this little mini break that I had. It’ll be my first weekend home with the furkids. It’ll be our own little holiday and I’ll just be there with them. No chores, no work.

It’ll be a lazy weekend after the lazy holiday break that I just had.

Time alone. Time together. Just the three of us. That’s all I need right now and nothing more.

Back to routine. Back to what I’m familiar with, getting to unwind in with no people around before I have to go back to work on Monday and be on.

It’ll be time to go back roaming the hallways, stretching my legs to the soft hums of my mind, thinking about the pages that I need to write, working out the situation in my head and hopefully finding something to take a picture of to fulfill my daily picture quota.

One picture a day and a haiku to go along with it. What did I just get myself into?

It’ll definitely be a challenge. It’ll definitely be something different. So many things to share it with. Let’s see how long it’ll last.

* * *

2015. The Year of the Sheep.

It’ll be my year this year. It’ll be the year of the animal of my horoscope.

I generally don’t believe in things like these, just usually take it with a grain of salt not unlike the daily horoscopes for an Aries. Usually in Chinese Horoscopes, the general rule is when the year is the year of your animal, it’ll be a bad year for you. It just is.

But reading the predictions for this year, it seems like it’ll be a great year for everyone. It’ll definitely be a great year for me and for all Sheeps out there, which I find fascinating.

On all fronts, whether it is career, health, money, relationships, things are great.

Going into this year, I have already known that it’ll be a great year for me. I’ll be starting it with a lot of weight gone. I’ll be starting it as a different person, so right there, it’s already going to be a great year. I have also many travels planned or were thinking of doing already.

But, I’m glad to read that things will be going great. I’m looking forward to it.

I think I read somewhere that relationships would be a good thing for me, having a new found confidence to attract others, but then in the same horoscope it seems that even though relationships are good, keep them casual.

Very contradictory in a sense, but considering how I am in relationships, casual might be better for me.

* * *My hair is driving me a little bonkers right now.

As I begin to put my fingers through its usual exercise, that saying came to me.

Every ending is a new beginning. There are no truer words, except for the thing that is ending, but even then, being the end of something is a new beginning. So, I guess it is true no matter how you look at it.

That above thought was ridiculous, but I’m not going to erase it.

But, I’m just beginning my last full day here in Chicago, leaving bright and early tomorrow morning, and it is the first day of the year. Ending. Beginning.

As I’ve written multiple times before, I’m looking forward to what 2015 has to bring. So far, it is shaping up to be a great year with my many travels and projects. I surely will not be bored, but it’s not like I get bored easily either. There will always be something that entertains me or holds my interest.

* * *

And so I started two photography projects and my first picture for my 365 has been posted. I decided to add a little haiku along with my BW pictures too. Below is my first one.

Endings. Beginnings.
Soul starts year happy centered.
Blissful nirvana.

It’s fitting.

Very fitting.

* * *

I have spent a lot of my writing time doing something else, but mostly it is because I don’t think I have much to say anymore, as I’m just sitting here biding my time, taking up as much of the day as possible, as I try to figure out what to do with myself today.

I still have so many hours, but I think it’ll just be a quick and lazy day today where I don’t want to do much. I don’t think I’ll make the effort to go to the Girl & the Goat. Too lazy and I just want to keep it simple. Maybe Shaw’s for lunch and then Sierra Tavern for dinner? Both restaurants I have been to, but I don’t want to go far. I just want to be in and out and back to the hotel and do nothing.

* * *

I’m starting the New Year as a new person. I’m starting to start the New Year better than I was before. Every year, one should start as a new person. Growth.

* * *

As the day goes by, slowly warming up by half a degree, more and more people are out and about.

I sit here, not even focusing on the words or thoughts that I’m trying to put on the page but staring out the window, people watching, seeing people go about their day in the blistering cold, figuring out where they are going, what they are doing since I have no plans whatsoever.

My day is free. My hours are free.

Time is free.

* * *

Whelp, I think it is time for me to go. This isn’t going anywhere.

Happy New Year.

I’m here in this familiar not so familiar spot to me in my beloved city of Chicago to write this little addendum. I’m spending my New Year’s here. I want to see how cold could Chicago really be and holy shit balls it is really cold. One can only be outside in short bursts or they must be power walking to keep warm.

My addendum to my yearly diatribe. It struck me last night that I left out some major aspects that happened in the past year. They don’t really affect me, but they did happen.

One of them was the death of my aunt’s husband, who I’ve always called my uncle. He passed away from lung cancer. It came as a surprise to me because his family kept it hidden to all of us until it was time. I understand why they want to do that, it’s such an Asian way, but still, I was a little surprised by it.

My mom called me and I called my cousin to find out what happened. A week later, he passed. It was sudden to me, but I guess with his family, it wasn’t. I went to his funeral and will be attending his memorial again this year. It’s the right thing to do. You do that for family.

I visited his family during Thanksgiving and I’m glad to see that most everyone is doing well and I hope that our relationship will grow stronger in the years to come.

* * *

Another thing that happened this year was the moving of a few of our regional office to Regus spaces. Portland, Chicago, and Denver were affected.

The moved sucked, moving to a shared Regus space. It’s not fun and it’s not a good environment. Hopefully things will change and things will change for the better, especially the Chicago office since they are bringing in a lot of money and will need more people.

That’s one of the reason why I was able to travel so much this year, because of the move. I had to travel for work and I was out in Chicago twice before my final third time here, now, for fun.

So, let’s just hope that everything goes better in the new year with work and with my family.

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

It’s New Year’s Eve here in the cold cold cold windy city. It’s fucking cold and I don’t think I’m fully equipped for this weather, even though I did layer up and for the most part I am warm. I just have to be inside or keep moving.

Such a beautiful city. I’m here for another full day and leaving bright and early the next day, the 2nd.

I think I’ll be spending it by myself, as it should be, but I’ll be open to other things.

I really don’t have much planned since the whole trip was based on the premise to just see how cold the weather is and whether it is something that I can do, live here.

Right now, the jury’s out, but it is leaning towards the yes side, if this is the worst that the city has to offer.

It’s cold, but not blistering cold. It’s very survivable if one is prepared.

It’s just the outliers that one has to be prepared for, the polar vortex and the snowpocalypse. That’s the thing that I’m worried about, the irrational weather.

I know that I’ll have to make a few decisions this coming year, and moving maybe one of them. I’m not sure yet. I know that I’ll be coming back later this summer for my Route 66 road trip with my brother. Let’s see how things play out.

Worse comes to worse, Chicago will always be here. It seems I have made my decision to be single for the time being and for the foreseeable future, so nothing to be tying me down in LA.

Options. Let’s keep my life open to possibilities.

* * *

Sitting here, just trying to think of what to write, trying to put off thinking about my creative writing, I feel blessed. I feel fortunate. I feel happy with my life.

I’m here in my favorite city, spending the New Year’s by myself, living like I would live anywhere else. I’m fortunate to have the ability and the freedom to do it. I’m going to live it up, the way I live things up, which is very quietly, and just be.

I sure don’t take my freedom for granted. I hold onto it and exercise it daily. It’s my life. I’m in control of it.

* * *

I’m trying to picture how my life would be when I live here. I’m sure in the day-to-day, it’ll be no different than how it is back in LA. I’ll work, come home and then be with my pets. I’ll then go out whenever I feel like it and that’s it. Life.

Simple.

Void of any interaction and drama.

Life like LA, but I’ll be in this beautiful gorgeous walking city.

Decisions. Choices.

It’ll always be here.

We shall see.

White canvas.

The future is uncertain and that is exciting.

A new day, a new perspective.

After sitting down I realize why I rarely sat from this side of the table. The big window on a sunny day produces glare on the screen. It’s too late for me to turn around now, so I’ll just have to stick with it.

What to do today? What to write?

I’m not sure. I know that it seems like I am not working on my script today. I have a coffee meet up later today with Loretta to just catch up and stuff. It’s a little tradition that we have. We meet up anytime I’m in town just to catch up and it’s been a while. It’s been a year.

It just hit me how sometimes I don’t see some family that I’m close to for years sometimes and others I meet up a few times a year. Proximity I guess. Proximity.

* * *

All I did for the most part yesterday was just researching about Iceland and watching YouTube videos.

With Iceland, I wanted to know where I can see the Northern Lights in or around Reykjavik and there seems to be many options. Researching it more, reading blogs about the people and the place, it seems to be a pretty awesome place. The people are nice and there is no crime and they love their nature. It sounds like a paradise that I want to be a part of.

I hope that it’ll be a good trip for me, exploring and venturing off on my own like I usually do. If I see the Northern Lights, that’ll be a perk, but I think I’ll still enjoy the trip if I don’t.

I can’t believe it is a month and a half away and there’s so much that I need to prepare for. I can’t wait.

* * *

My beloved.

What am I going to do with you? How are you going to treat me when I’m there and what the fuck am I going to do?

I still don’t have anything planned yet. Maybe I’ll do that today, plan.

Plan where to eat. Look into things to do. Hell, maybe even go back to a museum. No clue. Open schedule.

All I know is that it might be cold and it’ll be a different New Year’s than the ones I usually partake in.

* * *

Short stories.

I started to read a collection of short stories, written by mostly YA authors and they seem like the right format for me. They seem like a good start in prose. I should focus on that and not the long form novella or even novel. Those will be things that I’ll work up to, but not now. That’s just too daunting.

I just don’t know what to write about. Well, I think I do. Loss.

Loss.

Loss.

I can write about loss. I can write about the pain. I can write about alienation.

I like thematic collections. I think it works well, especially in anthologies and in photography collections. They work. A unifying theme to connect everything together.

Maybe that’ll be my focus next. After this script, I’ll start writing more prose.

I need the challenge, I need to do it.

My heart doesn’t seem like it is in anything else and I’ve always been uncomfortable with my prose. Maybe this is it.

Maybe.

* * *

The Coffee Shop

You know how sometimes you have these great aspirations of wanting to be something or doing something more than what you are doing right now? How maybe you want to be a great prolific writer or maybe an auteur like Wong Kar Wai making works of art that moves millions of people?

You want to be that but there’s this little voice in the back of your head that tells you that you can’t. It says that you aren’t’ good or talented because it knows exactly what you are capable of. It knows how many things that you have written or shot or created and it knows that you have potential to do better than what you are doing right now, but it also knows that your full potential will never be enough.

Now, do you listen to that voice and stop trying then and there? What do you do?

I have that voice. Logically, the voice makes sense. His argument is sound. I am aware of what I’m capable of. I know that I haven’t reached my full potential yet, but then again, I am a dreamer.

I can do better. I can be that magnificent artist that I so yearn to be. I can be him.

Do I fight on, trudge on writing and creating and never amount to anything because I reached my potential and it just isn’t’ good? Do I live with those foolish notions and unreachable dreams and waste my life away?

Do I?

What do I do?

There’s the other side of me that will just say fuck it and do it. Try to become that great writer or artist and fail hard. Stop being told what to do and find out for myself. That’s the side that you listen to. That’s the side that should drive you. The side that wants to prove everyone, even yourself wrong.

I’m glad I also have that side of me to balance the realistic side. The optimist side for the win.

That’s what I’m going to do.

Besides, I’ve always been the type that will have no regrets if I try to work on it. I would have regrets if I gave up and never tried. I’m just happy doing it. That’s what I’m going to do. Just do it.

* * *

I am truly rumbling now. I am truly looking and stretching this time out doing my finger taps with anything that comes to mind. Even if it isn’t good.

I think I have ran out of things to say. Maybe next year won’t be a blog heavy year. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be a more productive year in terms of creative writing.

Blank slate. Blank page.

White space that just needs to me marked up.

* * *

The Coffee Shop

This has been the busiest that I have seen this little shop. It’s an early Monday morning and people are out in force.

There’s in love new couple before me, sharing little tidbits about their lives and their many adventures in their past and hoping to plan some adventures together in the future. Their heads are huddle together over the bright screens, each sharing their little digital scrapbook of research they’ve done over the years. Both of them sharing their ultimate bucketlist locations, hoping that one of them would match and that would be their first true trip together.

Then there is the large group of high school or early college kids in the back table discussing a project they have to work on together over the break. I wonder what they are, since it is Winter Break and there shouldn’t be any classes. Maybe they are a social meet up group, coming together to discuss their own little projects; a writers group.

The boy with the laptop sent in his short story submission the week prior and now they are all coming together to dissect it, rip it apart, hoping that they are giving him good notes. I wonder how their dynamic is.

The couple seems to be giving each other little pecks and kisses for each little thing that they agree on. It’s cute, but sick at the same time. Makes me just want to rip their heads off and put them together in a forever lovelorn kiss in the grave.

Romantic.

The kids table becomes rowdy as they get into the thick of the critique. One boy’s comments about something that can be changed gets bounced back and forth, back and forth, with everyone inputting their little snippets into it and they are all rolling with it and it comes to a big conclusion that everyone is excited about. Laugh and cheers abound and the sole girl in the group doubles over with a knot in her side from laughing too much and a little snort sneaks out, which makes all of them laugh harder and more snorts come from her.

It’s cute and all of the boys fall for her all at the same time. Their laughs subsides and the girl feels a little uneasy as she scans the faces of the boys with the soft eyes pointed at her. Each and every eye staring at her and then the uncomfortable silence falls deafening.

She excuses herself to go to the bathroom, not because she wanted to go, but to escape from the adoring eyes. As she walks away, a small smile creeps on her lips, flattered that for the first time in her life that boys are looking at her like these boys were, with affection.

With the girl gone, the boys fall back into business. The funny thing about them is that they didn’t notice how the other boys were looking at her, each believing that the burning in their heart was their own and wasn’t shared by the others.

Soon, they’ll find out as they each vie for her attention and then things will get out of hand. The group will dwindle through time, each saying that they are busy, but they just don’t want to continue because of the competition and the girls is left clueless and alone not knowing what the fuck happened.

It’s approaching the end of my time here in the PNW. I have two more full days here before I catch a flight out to my beloved Chicago to pass the New Year there.

I have nothing planned. I don’t know what I’ll be doing while I’m out there. I’m sure I’m resourceful enough to figure something out.

Maybe I’ll go to my favorite neighborhood bar to pass into the New Year, or maybe I’ll be in bed trying to sleep. I’m not sure. I just know I am going and that is enough for me right now.

I’ve spent the past few days writing and writing on my yearly end-of-year diatribe rumblings and I think I don’t know much to write anymore.

* * *

Resolutions.

I’ve never been the type to make resolutions because for the most part, I never stick to them. There’s no one there to make me accountable for it, so I just not do it. Exercise, more projects, exercise exercise exercise. It just never happens.

I’ll just do whatever work out here and there and that is about it. There’s really nothing much that I stick to.

I have been eating a little bit better, but really not much different from how I normally eat. I just eat less and more home cooked meals. Saves me a lot more money rather than me going out to lunch every weekend on Sawtelle because it is just there.

Will I go back to it? I don’t know. I only did it because I needed to save me some money for all of the trips and expenses that I knew that I was going to have to save up for. But now, I don’t have much expenses planned, but it’s always a good idea to save money where I can.

So, no resolutions.

Let’s just go through the year unplanned like I normally do with most everything and see where it goes. See what opportunities or decisions come up and go from there.

* * *

I need to get back to finishing my script, thinking about the ending and the rewrites of the earlier pages. I need to get into that mindset again after taking some time off. I think I should finish it before I leave for Iceland.

Now, I just need to research Iceland and see what are the best places to chase the light and the best places to go on an adventure. I’m excited about it. I can’t wait.

I actually had a great conversation with my mom and my aunts and uncle on Christmas Day about traveling and where I want to go and what I’m going to do in Iceland. I told my aunt that I was going to chase the light, that I want to see the Northern Lights while I’m out in Iceland. They were curious as to what was out there.

I googled them pictures and they were amazed. Then I told them about the Northern Lights, about all of the different colors of the sky and how beautiful it was. Then I showed them a video and they were just blown away.

It seems that my mom wants to go to Tibet too! I’m excited for that one. I would love to go to Tibet to visit the monasteries and to say a little prayer to all of my family and friends.

Wanderlust. It runs in the family.

I also asked uncle and auntie if they were scared for Cloud as she was venturing abroad in Italy by herself. No. That was their answer. No. There’s no worry because she’s an adult. Good answering.

I love how open they are to things. They still worry about her little one of course. I think she’ll always be.

Cloud.

My little protégé. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I’m very curious as to where this independence is coming from.

I like how she always will use me and my ways as an excuse of her parents. Cousin Phong goes off by himself! or Cousin Phong has that. I think I like it that I can be a role model to them.

I hear the stories from the kids how they would always drop my name whenever they want to do something that I have already done before, but to hear her parents actually bring it up, it was just hilarious.

I don’t know, I guess I like it because it is the life that I wanted and now have, but they are having it at such a very young age. I would love to have that when I was their age and in a way, I did have that freedom, but I was still tied to family at the same time.

I was messed up back then, but I’m glad that all of the kids are okay, venturing off on their own, living and enjoying their life.

Good for them.

They all should have their adventures and growing experiences. That’s what life is about, to grow and experience before you die. ‘Cause we need to die to allow our progeny to grow from that experience.

Peru. Machu Piccu.

That’s her next trip maybe or the Mediterranean. I think she wanted to do Greece and Turkey next, where Hien wants to go. Let’s see what happens.

* * *

The Seahawks play today and everyone is out here with their 12th Man jerseys, running their errands, getting their money, before the game starts this afternoon. It’ll be a crazy day today as everyone will be rooting for the Hawks to win so they can clinch home field advantage.

Ahh, to be into sports again. It’ll never happen to me. I’ll watch if it is on, but it isn’t a part of my life unlike most everyone here. I’m too far detached from it, watching it when I was younger because my dad was into it.

But, I don’t know, I guess I can get into it, having a team to root for and all.

* * *

Camping.

I want to go camping. I want to start camping, to experience camping, to be out underneath the stars.

I think it’ll be the something new I’ll try this year. I’ll do it and see how I like it. It’ll have to be someplace that is dog friendly though. We shall see.

With how this past year has been, I think I want to be more active outside of the home. I want to go out more, explore more with Pickles ’cause I have definitely been neglecting him this year. Especially since he won’t have any trips with me this coming year either as we are going to do Route 66 instead.

So, more outings with Pickles.

More hiking with Pickles because I need the damn exercise.

I just need more adventures.

More and more.

* * *

This entry didn’t go as planned. I actually didn’t have much of a plan for this one. I just came out here to write as I normally do and to get out of the house and have some alone time, which I do get while I’m at home.

I guess we’ll see how tomorrow’s session will go.

Tired.

Tired from the bad night’s sleep that I had and not because of my usual fatigue. I blame the Pepsi. Damn caffeine.

But here I am again, my home away from home, my home in the Pacific Northwest, my #homehome as I thought of this morning.

I’m sitting in my new usual place, the place I usually write but under new management, doing what I do best, and that is to write about myself.

Thinking back, it seems that this is the first time that I have been back this year. I can’t believe it has been a year that I have set foot back here. I guess this year being such a family oriented year that I didn’t need to come back. But here I am and it is that time of year for me to babble on with my mumbling of another bah humbug to everyone.

So here it goes, 2014.

* * *

What can I say about this year? So much happened this year and maybe that is why it has gone by so fast. A blink and it was gone. A blink and it’s been almost a year since I’ve gotten my new kid, Relish.

Blink and my yearlong therapy sessions is over.

Blink, another relationship over.

Blink, I survived another year at work.

Blink, I grew.

2014.

It definitely has been a year of ups and definite down.

If I have to define this past year, I would say that this year has been a year of growth and understanding. Thinking about it, growth not only in myself, but I see the growth that my brother has gone through, the changes that I have noticed for the better. Growth.

It was definitely a year of growth for me, and definitely a year of understanding.

I have written about it in more detail in the last few entries about what I have gotten out of therapy.

I can truly say that I am no longer in that rut anymore. I am no longer in my self-proclaimed mid-life-crisis. I’ve moved on, having a better understanding of myself and how I am and how I became to be the way that I am.

I have a more solid grasp of what I want in life and ultimately what I want right now. I am open to the idea of changing and growing as years and years go by, but definitely I should be focused on what I want right now, because that’s where we spend all of our time, in the now. So, I shouldn’t worry about the future, since literally it can change by what I choose to do right now, in this moment, in the now.

Be here. Be now.

I would love to have someone special in my life and a family in the future, but right now, I’m not ready. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I love my freedom and my independence and my solitude. It relaxes me. It zens me out. That’s what I want now. So, let’s just be happy and be that now.

As noted before, this urge of independence has been shaped and molded through the years of upbringing and forged at the time of my father’s passing. Now, with an understanding of it, maybe I can slowly chip away at it and mold it into something else. Slow and steady, I’ll beat it away until I am ready for the next now in my life.

Guilt. That heaviness weighing down on my heart, my body, my soul needed to go. It is time for me to move on and to finally see that I didn’t kill my father. It is time. It is right. He wouldn’t want that on me. He wouldn’t want me to be crippled by his death. He would want me to be happy and what’s best for me.

It is time. Slow and steady like the urge to be pro-solitude and independent, it’ll go away. After a few weeks of believing, I already feel lighter.

I have my shrink to thank for that. Again, thank you for helping me. It means a lot to me.

Now there are still other things that I still need to work on. It’s a part of the growth of this past year and the understanding of who I am. I’m a control freak, wanting things to go my way. Also, it just seems I’m becoming more and more judgmental. I need to reel that in.

No more. Grow. Change. Be the better man. Slow and steady.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this inner peace inside. Calm and tranquil for the most part, until I’m around a lot of stupid people, or if I become impatient, then my blood boils. Things to work on.

I hope 2015 will be another year of steady growth and understanding. It’s a part of life. Everyone should grow a little every year, be a little bit better. Just a little bit better and that’ll be progress.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

What next, what else?

Traveling.

Like any other year, I strive to travel as much as I can and this year was no different.

Another reason why I haven’t been back home this year was because I traveled so much, and most of it was with family, so I really didn’t need to go home to spend time with them.

It started early this year, with that whirlwind road trip in February I took with my mom and aunt’s up and down California. It was the worst road trip of my life, me just slaving away driving and driving and driving and not being able to sleep, ’cause I just don’t sleep well on other people’s beds.

Even though it was a great bonding experience, especially with my mom braiding my hair, but with my aunts, especially the one from Vietnam, I was just tired. I was spent. I wanted the week to end so I can just rest. I don’t think I have ever been so tired in my life. But, I would totally do it again. For family.

Now, usually, I try to do a little trip for myself around my birthday, but this year, it was another family trip that I planned to South East Asia. Overall, it was just an amazing trip to Singapore, Vietnam, and Hong Kong.

It was definitely an eye opening trip, seeing the different countries and experiencing all that we had. I still remember the craziness of Vietnam and how sick I got.

Of course not everything was perfect on the trip. Family did get on my nerves from time to time, but then again, it happens. I shouldn’t let it ruin the trip. But overall, great trip and I’m looking forward to our next one.

I know for sure, I am done with Asia for the time being. Maybe Europe next? Who knows?

Every year, it seems I try to include a little outdoorsy wilderness trip. I think it seems that way because of all the times I have driven home with Pickles and I would go hiking with him or our trips to Arizona and the Grand Canyon.

This year was no different with my Utah trip with my brother. Utah.

The Utah 5.

It was spectacular. It was beautiful. It was a dream.

Maybe an outdoorsy trip with my brother would be a new tradition. I guess it started last year with our trip to Glacier National Park and he was interested in going when I asked him if he wanted to join when I was planning the trip.

Unlike last year’s trip, my brother was in fine form with no injuries, so I didn’t get annoyed. There were little things that annoyed me, but that was on the tail end.

But the trip. Amazing. I want to do it again. I want to be on the open road, driving across the vast state and seeing the changing landscapes passing me by. I want to step through the beauty, following the paths that many have traversed and maybe even paving my own path.

Angel’s Landing was a rush of success. It was a peaceful Zen up at the top as the sun rises, bathing the valley floor in warmth and light.

Bryce Canyon and the alien Hoodoo’s towering over us as we hike between them.

Just marvelous. Just beautiful.

I want to go back.

Let’s go back.

It was also a trip of great bonding with my brother, the little that we did. But it was also a revelation for me to see how much my brother changed since the last time we really hung out, our SE Asia trip.

He looked good. He looked like he was enjoying himself, hiking through the wilderness. He was in his element, and he was savoring each minute and second, taking pictures.

I love the growth that he’s going through. I love that he’s changing for the better. I love the progress and hope it continues.

Traveling. I love it and this year surely didn’t disappoint.

Those are just trips I did for vacation and not counting the small trips I did for work.

I went to Portland and Chicago to help them move offices this past. The situation sucks, but it is what it is.

But Chicago. I was there twice this year and in the next few days, it’ll be my third time. I fall in love with the city every time I go there.

I remember the last time I was there, walking to work in the morning, I can imagine myself doing that. I can totally see myself there.

That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the next few days, to see how cold it is. Maybe, just maybe. I don’t know. We shall see.

Travel.

Use your vacation days.

Spend without care on those vacations. It’s why you have time off from work, to reconnect and zen out.

From how things are looking now, next year seems like another travel year. With already three trips in the works/planned, I can’t wait.

I have the Iceland trip in February booked and planned. Besides some work trips, I didn’t get a trip on my own this year like I usually do. This Iceland trip would be it. I’m there to explore the wonders of Iceland and to chase the lights. Hopefully I’m fortunate enough to get a glimmer. It’ll definitely be a few things off of my bucket list if I do. The Northern Lights and my first solo international trip. Hopefully.

Then I’ll be doing my yearly Boy and his dog on the road adventure in the summer. I think I might do Banff National Park while I’m up there and maybe my brother will join me.

I’m looking forward to hiking in Banff, seeing the majestic wonders in person that I’ve only seen in pictures.

Then maybe later in the summer or earlier, depending on when it’ll be a good time, I’m planning on doing Crater Lake in Oregon. It’ll be about an 11 hour drive, like the one to Banff from Seattle. It’s doable in a day.

That maybe a trip by myself, depend if my brother can get the time off. I’m cool either way. I just want to go and explore and see. I want to be out in the Wild.

With those three trips being planned, it already seems that 2015 is shaping up to be an awesome year.

I’m living my life. I’m loving my life.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Onto day two of this little yearly diatribe and it seems that this is the second entry to my knowledge that I referenced Sia’s Chandelier and I’m okay with that.

Where to continue, where to go now?

Going back to my future travels in 2015, instead of driving back home and doing Banff, I might be doing Route 66 with my brother instead. We’ve discussed this trip earlier this year while we were going to Utah and I was very surprised that he is interested in going and doing it.

Again, this is Hien 2.0 and I love it. He’s read and game for an adventure.

* * *

Back at it, continuing on. Where to go next?

Work.

Work is work. There’s not much to say about it. It is what it is. There were some learning moments and moments to shine and to learn and to problem solve like any other year that I have been there.

It seems like I’ve been doing good things there and is still being valued and I’m okay with that. I’m glad that they think I’m a good worker.

It had offered me many opportunities throughout the years to travel and to explore and this year was no different. It catalyst for me finding Chicago and falling in love with it.

Sure it could be busier and it just might be with us growing, so let’s see what happens in 2015.

We seem to be back on track to what we need to do and where we need to go.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Kids, or should I say my furkids that always keep me wondering what do they do all day while I’m away.

At the end of last year, I added another member to my little small tight knit family. I got a little kitten which I named Relish.

I never had a cat before and I don’t mind cats. I’m good with cats as I am with all animals. I only got her because I feel bad for Pickles and his continuing behavior problems and seeing how he treats Bea’s cats, I was sure that he would prefer having a cat as a sibling then another dog, seeing how he is when I dog sat.

I got her at the end of last year and she’s been a surprise and a handful and a joy and a pest and many other things all at the same time.

Like Pickles when I first got him and even today at times, it’s a brand new learning curve, trying to figure out how to act with it and why she does the thing that she does.

At first I was worried that Pickles would be rough and attack it, and he did, but I knew that it was all in play. As they bonded together, I think they tolerate each other and Relish has gotten use to Pickles now that she’ll come up to him and taunt him to chase her.

But when I am home and seeing how they are together, it doesn’t seem like they like each other. They both aren’t the cuddling type, but I am very curious as to how they really do feel about each other.

I mean, Relish meowing loudly while I take Pickles out front to pee, that has to be affection, right? I don’t know, maybe. I sometimes fantasize that while I’m at work or at away, they are cuddling together, sleeping wrapped up in each other.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night noticing that they’ll sleep in close proximity to each other next to me. There’s hope, I guess. There’s hope.

Maybe it is because of Relish, but it feels that I have been neglecting Pickles as of late. I’m sure much of it has to do with me having to board him now whenever I travel whereas before I would drop him off at a friend’s or at the Carters, but I just feel bad for the little guy.

I look at him, seeing his face, and I understand what he wants and what he’s thinking, always wants to be out exploring.

I don’t know why, but it just feels that I haven’t taken him out as much this year as I had done in the past. I know a lot of it has to do with me being more antisocial this year than any other year and I guess he’s suffering because of it. Hopefully I can rectify that in the coming year.

I’ll make a conscious effort to take him out to the parks or even going hiking. Let’s hope.

2015. Make me a better parent. Bring it on.

* * *

Relationships. Socializing. Me and the outside world. Pro-solitude and my ways of hermitude.

It has been a difficult year for me this year in terms of relationships and just being social.

Sure it may have started off with a bang, me getting into a relationship, but looking back, I really wasn’t ready for one.

But, I knew I had to do it, because otherwise, how else would I know? Again, I’m the type of person that has to go through things and experience things to actually know how I feel about it. Especially when it comes to relationships.

Sure, I had my doubts early on during that time with Milipitas. My gut was like, what are you doing? But I had to do it. I had to be sure.

Coming out of it, I realize that I don’t want to be in a relationship now. Sure, I would like to be in a good and stable and loving relationship one day, but being in one, it just makes me realize that relationships just don’t work for me.

Yes, I realize that this last one was different and really wasn’t good for me, but I can’t base all my future relationships off of that. It just wasn’t a good relationship. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good.

I did the wrong thing in it. I was forced into it because I didn’t want to hurt the person. I shouldn’t have been in it to begin with, but again, it was my fault in that I needed to try.

I guess it all goes back to the mid-life-crisis that I was going through. I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because that was the growth and the change that I needed in my life to get me through the MLC. I was wrong.

It was just irrational pressure I was feeling from myself and family and society.

Coming out of it, I just realize I value my independence way too much to be in a relationship. I enjoy being alone, doing whatever it is that I want to do and not being in a relationship where I can go weeks and weeks without seeing or talking to her.

I’m just not good at relationships.

I’m good at being alone.

I’m good at being me and that’s where I’ll be for the time being.

Yes, I agree with my shrink. I have to be open to a relationship whenever I meet someone. I have to be. I can’t totally shut it out.

I just need to keep my eye out for the so called right girl, if she ever exists. My shrink believes that they are everywhere. I just have to keep my eye out.

Well, in the meantime, my eyes are open as I enjoy my life of pro-solitude.

Socializing, or simply, the lack thereof.

As the year progressed, and even during that little relationship, I realize that I had reverted back to my old ways. I had become more and more antisocial as of late.

I know in the past few months most definitely, as I usually tend do at the end of the year, I go back into my cave and just reflect.

But I don’t know why, but I haven’t gone out much and hung out with many people this year. I know a lot of it has to do with the changing or dwindling circle of friends that I usually hang out with.

Relationships change as people leave and as dynamics change.

Before I would hang out with B5, but that dynamic changed a lot. With Blox, she’s gone and our relationship is over the web and other than that, I really don’t have friends that I hang out with after work.

Sure, I have the people in my group at work, but we’ve never been the type that would hang out.

The Carters are gone, leaving me with just by myself and that is something that I’m okay with.

There are many other friends that I have lost along the way. Friends that I just lose touch with because I’m horrible at keeping it up and keeping in touch. I’m very out-of-sight-out-of-mind and that’s something that I have and think will always be.

Friendships just slowly drift away and I just don’t make the effort, even when it’s an old friend reaching out wanting to hang out, like the Villa Vicenz. I just don’t make the effort because it’s just too much. She usually likes to hang in groups and I’m not a group hanger outer and that is something that I try to do, but it is just not my type of thing.

Maybe slowly, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it right now.

Hopefully next year will be a different year in terms of being social and going out more and hanging out more. I don’t know, but there’s always that possibility.

This even applies to family also. I haven’t been as diligent in visiting Great Uncle and his family as I did in the past. I don’t know why, but I just haven’t. It just seems like it is too much effort to do it. Maybe I was just family-ed out this past year with all of the trips and what not and I didn’t need anymore.

I don’t know, hopefully that’ll change also. I know I’ll have to pay them a visit before Chinese New Year’s since I won’t be there this year. Let’s see how it goes.

Looking back, it just feels like this year was a lot like the first couple of years that I was down here. I was on my own just doing my own thing.

I’ve watched so many movies this year by myself, that it seems that I catch one weekly. I have started a movie-night-Mondays and it is just me going to the movies and watching whatever I want and I am totally okay with that.

I am going back to basics I guess. It just works for me.

I guess I was right in saying that I don’t mix well with people when my aunt asked when I’ll have children. I don’t mix well with people, therefore I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll never have children.

I’m okay with being alone. I love being alone. It works for me.

Maybe that is the biggest lesson of this year. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, it is that I don’t need to be in a relationship. I think I’ve always known that, but with the MLC and me believing that it’ll be good for change, my mind got warped and felt that I need it to grow.

But the main lesson is that I, nor anyone need to be with someone to be happy or to grow.

I feel that I have grown a lot this year and have a better understanding of who I am just by being on my own. Sure it had a lot to do with my shrink and me just picking at the things that makes me the way I am to just have a good understanding as to why I am the way I am.

I value independence. It’s the world to me.

I don’t need anyone and that’s okay with me.

* * *

Another day, another song to start my writing, another subject

Let’s see if I can connect it and have it flow the way that I need it to flow.

Where to start today? Where should I take it?

Creativity.

Looking back, it just seems that this year has been a little lacking in the creative side for me. I blame most of it on the MLC that I was going through, uninspired to do anything, unable to focus on anything.

But, midway through the year, I was able to focus more and having that writing set up with Scott again helped quite a bit.

I’m almost finished with my new script. It has problems, but hey, I’m writing again. I think that is what matters most. I’m writing again. I’m creating again.

I haven’t used my camera much this year. Again, uninspired. No photography projects and I’m just too lazy to carry my DLSR around every day. Hopefully that’ll change come the New Year as I am planning on doing two photography projects.

I’m planning on doing another 365 again, but this time it’ll be black & white photography. Hopefully it’ll be a mixture of iPhone and DSLR if not all DSLR. Let’s hope I finish and don’t get bored with it halfway through.

Another project would be my portrait-of-the-day project. I’ve been seeing all of these videos as of late of people taking a selfie of them every day for a year or even two or three years and then stitching them together to make a video out of it. I’m intrigued and hopefully I can do that also.

We shall see. Hopefully.

I know that I need some inspiration in my life and a big creative outlet to keep my mind sharp and busy. Hopefully.

We shall see.

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Lock you up…turning to the dark.

I’m not a perfect person and I don’t have the best personality even though many people see me in a different way that I know myself to be. They see the side of me that is at work and with those short glimpses and experiences, it’s hard for them to really gauge who I really am.

I’m impatient for the most part with zero tolerance for stupidity.

As I get older, I’m starting to realize how judgmental I am. It seems very prevalent in the past few months and I really don’t understand why it has gotten so bad.

I need to make a better effort to not be so judgmental. I know that I have a very open mind on many things and I pretty much live a very libertarian life in terms of you do whatever you want to do and I do whatever I want to do and let’s just leave it at that.

But for some reason, I have been very judgmental about many things lately. I don’t like it. It’s definitely a side of me that I need to change. This isn’t a matter of want, it’s a matter of need to change for the better.

I should be less judgmental. I should live free of any judgment. I need to see that what is best for me isn’t necessarily best for other people and just let other people be.

It’s not my place to put my two cents and it is definitely not my place to tell them what they should do.

I don’t want that, so why would other people expect that from me.

Change. Growing. Be less judgmental.

I wonder how many people I have hurt because I have been so judgmental as of late. I know I don’t voice many of my judgments, but I do wonder how many people that I dismiss or hurt because I subconsciously do it? Need to change.

Hurting people.

It just seems it wouldn’t be a complete year if I didn’t hurt a few people or ruffle a few people.

This past year was no different.

First and foremost, it was Milipitas. It is what it is. I think I wrote about it enough on this here space of mine, but that was the worse one. I didn’t mean to and I knew going in that she was more in it than I was, but I allowed it to go further than it needed it to and then I ended it. I hurt her and that was my fault.

Next was Blox. It was an assumption on my part and a big wrong assumption and that really pissed her off. I didn’t realize that she would be so mad at something so simple, but I understand that I should have considered what she wanted. It was my fault and definitely something that I need to be mindful of in the future, not just with her, but with everyone else.

One great perk of being so anti-social, you don’t get too many chances to piss people off. The less people I hang out with or be around, the less people I piss off. Easier that way.

We shall see.

No more hurting people, please?

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Change. Growth. More adult.

Here’s to the small personal changes.

Optimism.

That sense of optimism is still around. It’s been there for years and I don’t know where it came from, but it is still around. With that new found optimism, there comes the confidence also.

Just thinking back to how I was years ago, while I was so young and comparing it to now, I have changed so much. As documented in these pages of mine, I definitely have grown up quite a bit with my years.

My confidence soars high above where it once was and so has my optimism. I still can’t get over how weird that is to me. I just don’t understand where it came from.

MLC. It definitely had changed me a lot. That pressing urge to change has changed not only what’s on the inside, cooling the inner turmoil that I was feeling, but it also changed how I look.

This past year saw the tail end of my hair experiment, growing it out for donation. I did it. I finished it, just shy of the 10 inches I was going for, but it was long enough for me to donate.

I know a lot of it was a control thing, to see if I have the conviction to hold onto it and finish it. It had a lot to do with the MLC, when it seemed that I didn’t have a control in my life, having control of my hair and what to do with it was definitely helpful.

Also, I’m sure my confidence definitely grew because of that. I did a lot of crazy shit with my hair and I didn’t care what other people think of it. Some people hated it and some people didn’t care while other people loved it. It was me and I took control of it. I didn’t care what other people think. It all boils down to me not caring what other people think and just doing it. It felt so freeing.

I’m glad that I did it and I’m doing it again. I’m months into my second round of growing out my hair and I have another year left to go. It’ll feel no different in terms of not caring what other people think.

Another thing was growing out my facial hair for Movember again, for the same reasons, control and not caring. It was what I wanted to do and I did it and I didn’t care what other people think. The reactions were mixed, but that’s how it’ll always be.

Confidence. It definitely have grown a lot. I definitely have more of it then I did last year.

Another side effect of this MLC is how I dress now. I look more adult as a coworker mentioned a few weeks ago. I am dressing more and more like a grown up. Gone is my t-shirt collection, replaced by more button ups and slim fitting pants. It seems like I am a fashion whore now, but I still have my days of just wearing a hoodie and jeans.

But how I dress has definitely taken a different turn then how I use to dress and it feels right. It feels like the right direction to me, getting compliments from time to time. People notice. Girls notice.

Slowly but sure, I’m growing to be a better person than I was the year before.

That’s how it should be. Every year should be a growing year.

2015 was no different.

* * *

2014.

It was a trying year. It was a year of deep growth and deep understanding.

It was like any other year that had transpired in recent memory, but at the same time it was a year unlike any other.

Sure it was a year of growth, but it was more than that. It was a year of personal freedom and there’s so much to that personal freedom.

I worked on letting my demons go, not taking blame and responsibility to the death of my father which I have been holding on for the past 11+ years. The weight has lifted, the guilt is almost gone.

It’s so freeing. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. My heart is so light. My soul, unburdened.

Personal freedom. I’m finally committing to how I have been living all my adult life. I do me. I do what is best for me. No more having to consider family and having to base many of my decisions on how it’ll affect them and what they want me to do.

I’m finally committing to taking the only thing that matters, and that is my feelings on the matter. Sure, I’ll think about how it’ll affect them, but in the end, my decisions will be what is best for me and what I want to do. I’ve been doing it for all of my life, it is just only now that I see that and see how it made me a better man and a happier person.

Personal freedom. I value my independence and at the current moment, I don’t want to give that up. I still can’t reconcile that being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll have to give it up or that I’ll have less of it, but I know right now, here in this moment, I don’t want to be in a relationship

I know that had been one of the biggest struggles that I was battling, the do I or don’t I want to be in a relationship. I guess that is one of the reasons why I had gone through my MLC, the not knowing what it is that I want. Now I know.

Relationships aren’t for me. I don’t work in a relationship.

I am okay with that. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my independence.

Growth.

It is about coming to terms with what you want and realizing that you can’t make everyone happy and that your decisions might disappoint and hurt others that only want the best for you, and that you have to stick to it because it is what you want and it is what makes you happy.

Understanding.

With understanding comes change. Now I have a better and deeper understanding of my behavior and my predispositions, I have a better change of changing it.

Growth and change comes slowly and these past few years of being in the MLC, I have definitely changed a lot.

I feel like a brand new person. I am a new me.

I’ll be ending 2014 as a different person than when I started and I’ll be starting 2015 as a brand new person that I have never been.

Here’s to a new me in the New Year.

2014.

Thank you for being another great year. I bid you adieu.

2015.

Bring it. I’m ready to see what you bring.

Hopefully it’ll be no different than the past couple of years. Hopefully it’ll be full of growth and understanding.

2015. Bring it on.

BRING IT ON.

It took me a while to come to this realization, and I needed help from my shrink with it too, but it seemed that I’ve always chose to what is best for me and not for family, even though it seems most of my dilemmas stem from me having to make a decision either for me or for family.

It just seems with my track record that I have always done me and I have been the better for it, but it just seems that for some reason, I couldn’t come to terms with it this time and it has been a struggle.

Family. I love them. I’m very filial and I am not ashamed of it.

So, I tend to consider my family and what they think in most of the big decisions of my life or just things that I want to do. But again, time and time again, as often as I struggled with it, I have always chose to do what is best for me.

I guess the thing to take from this is that I should just listen to my gut and do what is best for me, be selfish.

I’ve always listened to my gut. I’ve always been selfish and that has treated me well. So, why should there even be a battle?

* * *

Yeah, I didn’t really realize how I’ve made those decisions until my shrink brought it up. Again, maybe I’m just too close to it and I just can’t see it, but I definitely see it now.

I do me. That’s what’s best for me.

Pressure, trying to do what is best for family never really did me any good. It just causes so much stress and breakdowns, it just isn’t worth it.

I’m trying to remember how far this went back to, but I guess having that break down in front of my parents in regards to my major and wanting to just do things on my own that really shook things up.

I guess having my father just tell me that he doesn’t care what I major in, but that I need to just graduate and get the paper and in the end, that is all that matters. I guess having that out there and having him give me the blessing to just do whatever it was that I needed to do, just relieved the pressure and the anxiety. It gave me the strength to make my own decisions.

Then I decided that I wanted to move down here. There really wasn’t much of a discussion there. Sure my father wasn’t too happy about it, wanting me to instead go to vocational school for computers and then decide if I want to come down here afterwards.

I was set and firm in that decision to just move down here. I had to. I don’t think I ever considered family at that time. It never crossed my mind how my parents felt. I just had to do it because I know that it’ll save me.

It was exactly what I needed to be independent, to be able to breathe because I felt so suffocated up there. I had to. I was trying to save my life

Then the same thing happened after my father passed away and my mom wanted me to move back up. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to move back up. I couldn’t do it. I thought about it, but again, I really didn’t consider family. I was selfish and thought about my sanity and how I was going to deal. I needed it to fix myself and I knew if I moved back, things would be bad.

So, again, another big decision I had to make and I never really thought about it or consider family. I just made the decision and just stayed down there.

Knowing me, I am the type of person who makes decisions and big changes only when I’m ready to make them and not before. I do not cave into the pressure of people telling me what I need to or not to do.

I never been the person to heed the things that people tell me what that I should do, but I don’t know why, but with this whole I’m getting older and I should really consider finding someone and start a family is one of the big ones that I couldn’t shake.

Maybe a big part of me is that I do want it. I know that I want it, to be married and to have children and have a family of my own.

I know in a way, I do want that in my life, and I guess what it boils down to is that these wants and needs and desires align with what my family wants for me. So maybe I thought I’d try and do that, but not knowing that I wasn’t ready for it and that I just can’t do it right now.

I know that I want to find the right person, a person that I just can get along with and understands me and my desire for independence.

I just know when things are right and when’s the right time only when I know it and right now, even though there’s all this pressure, it isn’t the right time. But then family’s there, with all the pressure.

I guess I bought into it. I don’t know.

But I’m thinking more clearly now and know where I stand. I’m not ready and I’m going to do what is best for me.

Don’t fall into the pressure.

* * *

Looking back just now and it does seem that most of this all started about 2011, after my road trip back home. I just seemed off them. Reading back on my old blogs, it’s also the year when I made mom cry because of what I told her about 5th Uncle lecturing me while I was in Philly.

I guess that was an appropriate time for me to put that pressure on myself.

I don’t want to ever make my mom cry. That’ was the first time in a long long long time that I’ve made my mom cry and I guess I took it to heart, because it was about her wanting me to find a wife and having children.

I guess that’s when I started to put the pressure on myself, my thinking and putting family before my needs, wanting to make them happy.

It just makes sense.

I guess I know better now. I’ve gone through a year of therapy, to make me better and I came out better now knowing that I should consider family, but ultimately I do what is best for me.

My track record shows it.

It works for me.

It just does.

* * *

So, hopefully with the New Year, and starting today, the new Winter season, I’ll take this new found knowledge with me and start living a better life.

It’s funny, I took a test that predicts what kind of year 2015 would be for me and I scored that it’ll be a year of celebration.

Looking ahead, it just feels like it will be.

I’m curious, very curious what my next blank slate will be?

What will I make of it?

If plans hold true, it’s already shaping up to be an exciting year for my travels and it’s going to start out very differently from my typical years.

This year will end and the next year will start in my beloved.

I have never spent New Year’s in any other city than LA for the longest time. Thinking back, I don’t even remember if I ever spent New Year’s back in the PNW. If I did, it was years and years ago.

But, this will be different. I’ll be spending it in Chicago. It’ll definitely start my year out different from all of my typical years even if I don’t make it past the dropping of the ball or if I sleep through it or even if I don’t go out and celebrate, instead staying in at the hotel

I don’t mind. The year is already planned to start out different and that is fine with me.

The open possibilities of the year to come intrigues me. It fascinates me. I’m so looking for it.

Maybe it’ll be a year of celebration.

I’m planning trips that excites me, doing what I want, exploring where I want without any consideration of others.

Iceland and hopefully the northern lights. It’ll be my fourth international trip, but it’ll be my first solo one. So excited.

I’ve taken many solo trips before, but this one just excites me, ’cause it’ll be my first.

Excited.

I can’t wait.

A few more hiking and wilderness trips have been planned that I’m excited for. Even if we or I don’t make it to Banff this year, I’ll still be back up in the PNW exploring the wilderness.

I can’t wait.

The New Year is to come, bringing forth a blank canvas. Let’s see what masterpiece I’ll make.

She feels safe leaving me where I am. She feels that I am doing okay and that we can stop our sessions.

I have her contact information and can reach out to her any time.

It is done. It is over.

Am I fixed?

I can surely say that I definitely feel a lot better than when I went in. No more of that pressure or that feeling that I am in a rut or need to change. Definitely don’t want to go back there again.

That impending sense of knowing that I need to change, but just not knowing exactly what it is that needs changing is definitely not there anymore.

I do feel fine. I do feel better. No more irrational pressures that I or society or family is putting on me. I brush them aside.

Therapy.

It was good for me. I learned a lot about myself that I never put together or was too close to see.

I believe for the most part, it all started with me putting pressure on myself to be with someone, start a family, and make family happy.

Why? Because it was time, maybe? Because I’m that age that I should seriously be thinking about it.

And, I’m not going to lie, it’s on my mind, but I know that the time will come when the time will come. As I told my shrink when she asked would I be okay if I do end up being alone and not finding anyone, I honestly do believe that I will be okay with it.

So, why do I need to put that pressure on myself? Like I told my Chicago cohorts way back when Dan and I was there doing upgrades that I enjoy my life right now. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I have a good life, so if I do want to be someone, she better be fucking awesome.

It’s true. I love this independent life. I don’t ever feel lonely nor do I really need that kind of companionship.

So, if I do find someone, she better understands me and she better be an awesome person.

Being with Milipitas earlier this year just reinforced what I already knew, that me being in relationships don’t work. Grant it, that she was young and she wasn’t a good relationship to base anything off of, I just know that that wasn’t the kind of relationship that I wanted, nor with her.

So, I’m going to go on living my life, how I feel that I should live it and take whatever comes my way. It’s always been my philosophy in life, and I guess I had a crisis of conscience and didn’t listen to what my gut was saying.

But, my shrink and most everyone else is right in saying that I need to be open to the idea of it, which I think I am, for the most part. Still scary though.

* * *

Control.

I’m a control freak. I need control of the situation, or at least control of my life.

I didn’t realize it until we talked about it.

I think my type of control is more along the lines of I like control on my life and don’t like it when people tell me to do or try to control me.

I walk fast. I hate walking with slow people, so I just walk ahead of them and leave them behind. I’m not going to let them control my walking speed.

Vacations with groups, i.e. family, I hate it when no one can come up with something to do or eat ’cause I’m trying to be polite and consider everything. So, after the frustration of no one coming together or everyone just being slow or not coming to any compromise, I just get frustrated and just do my own thing and leave everyone. I need it.

There are times when I just need to take a step back and realize that other people are involved or that we are doing these things because of someone else and I just need to just take a step back and be okay with it.

It’s a live and let live type of thing and I guess that’s one part of my life that I still need to work on and to grow.

That’s why I enjoy traveling alone. It’s just the freedom of being to do whatever with no agenda and no compromise. Taking your time, doing whatever it is that you want to do. I love that freedom.

How other people drive? I have no control over that, so I just need to let it go, even if it doesn’t make any fucking sense or if we are going slow. Frustrating.

Time. People just taking their sweet ass time to get ready knowing that we have to be someplace at a specific time and they have no concept of time. Frustrating. I just need to let it go, which I don’t think it’ll happen.

Live and let live. Live and let live.

* * *

Independence.

INDEPENDENT.

I think the biggest revelation that I had while in therapy was why I’m so gung ho on wanting to be so independent and being so independent and fearing that I’ll lose it if I ever get into a relationship.

It was huge for me, it was a break through. Now I know about it, maybe I can be willing to let some of it go, on my terms of course, being the control freak that I am.

It all boils down to my father. I think a lot of issues that I have boils down to my father.

I just want to make him proud and I didn’t know if I did.

I’m sure that he was proud of me. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I was starting to be the kind of person that he wanted me to be and as I grew up to become the man that I am today, that it is exactly the type of man that would make him proud.

My dad is proud of me as my mom is proud of me, not being in a relationship or having a family aside.

Independence.

I need it. I hold onto it for dear life and it is all because of my father. Breakthrough.

My parents both raised my brother and me to be independent. One of the biggest things that they beat into us is to be able to do everything ourselves. You can’t rely on other people, only yourselves.

So, at a young age, my parents made us do things ourselves, like filling out paperwork and forms at doctors’ offices and such. Sure it had a lot to do with them not knowing as much English and such, but it was second nature to us to do things ourselves.

They’ll send us out to walk to the grocery store by ourselves when we needed to do buy something or to buy things for our grandparents. We always wandered and did things on our own without much supervision.

That’s our childhood.

And as a child with a father whose always gone working, you want to make them proud and to make him proud, you become the person that teach you to be, and that is an independent person.

So, when I first moved down here, there were issues with me not finding a job and a place to stay after the first summer. It was the biggest worry that my father had, but when things settled and I found a steady job and a place to stay, our relationship changed.

We talked. We just talked about things, a relationship that I’ve always wanted with him.

I made him proud. I was fully independent and that made him proud. It was the last thing that I was able to do and be for my father. It was the last thing that my father actually approved of.

The next thing to work out or he’ll slyly bring up was the relationship things. He’ll slip in little comments about having a girlfriend and what not. And he passed away before I was able to find someone. I’ll never be able to get his approval on that side.

And maybe, just maybe, that is why being in a relationship is so hard for me. I value my independence so much because it was the last thing that I was able to give to my father before he passed away.

Even if I get a girlfriend now, I’ll never get his approval or know if he would like her, so why even put in the effort.

I know this now. It was a breakthrough to me at that time, a huge epiphany. It blew my fucking mind.

Now, now that I know, maybe I stop self-sabotaging myself, if that is what I was doing. Just maybe.

But again, independence, it’s what I value.

I find it sexy. Because of that trait, it’ll bump your attractiveness up and up as that girl from Dead Horse Point has proven.

She was an all right cute blonde when I first saw her, but after we talked and she said she went off on that road trip on her own, plus she’s outdoorsy, she because just a cute girl to a fucking hot girl in seconds.

Independent. It speaks to my soul.

Like my shrink says, I just need to find someone that is very similar to myself and apparently there are girls that are like out there.

* * *

Father issues.

The root of all of my troubles.

I had so much guilt built up, years and years, that I killed my father.

It’s irrational, I know, and I knew it to be, but I believed it.

I had to. There needed to be a bad guy for the story. There had to be someone to blame, so I blamed myself. I was a martyr and narcissistic in putting all of that on myself, but I needed it.

If he didn’t want to buy a house down here so I can live in it until he retires and moves down, he wouldn’t have worked that second job. Because of me, because he worried about me, he did that and I had to be blamed.

So, I lived with that guilt ever since. There was no other possibility.

Not even the rational one of him just dying because life is shit. Shit happens. People die.

It can never be that his heart gave out because we have a family history of heart disease. No, it can’t be that, it was me. I killed him.

I have to let that go. Those are horrible irrational thoughts and reasoning.

I know that now. I see that now.

I have to believe in the truth, and that is shit happens.

That is life. It’s always been my motto.

I need to stop placing blame on myself and just let it go. We can’t control it. We can’t control life or things that are beyond our control.

I had no control in that situation, but I do have control on the guilt I feel.

I didn’t kill my father, life did.

All I can do is to remember him and love him and miss him.

I don’t know, maybe I do feel that I’ll forget him if I don’t have this guilt on me, so hold onto it like I hold onto my independence.

But, you don’t forget things that you don’t want to forget. He’ll always be with me, in my thoughts and my heart and my memories.

I have to let it go.

I have to believe the rationality of the situation.

He had a heart attack because that is what happens when you have a family history of it and you don’t know about it.

Life. Shit happens.

That’s the crux to my issues.

My father is where most of my issues stem from. Maybe, maybe changing my truths to this will help me grow to be a better person.

Just maybe.

I love you dad. I miss you dad. I hope you are proud of me.

I love you.

* * *

It’s been a little over a year of seeing my shrink and I want to thank her for helping me figure my shit out.

I certainly feel a lot better about myself and my choices that I’ve made and how I live.

No longer in that mid-life-crisis that was plaguing my thoughts and soul.

I feel freer, lighter, and better in mind, body, and spirit.

Thank you.

Hopefully I can bring this new found clarity into the next year and make it something spectacular.

* * *

It’s just a few days away before holiday break starts and that’s when I’ll get into my yearly diatribes of bah humbug.

Looking back, this year has definitely been a surprise for me and I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about, and I’m sure many things will be about what I wrote today.

Looking forward to it.

Rain falls, floating down in a mist of droplets, wetting the floor below.

It is a nice day, quiet and cold. It is a perfect day to be home and just not deal with people or work.

I sit here in my usual, trying to brainstorm, but my thoughts and mind brings my attention to world outside and the falling precipitation.

There’s a chaotic beauty in the falling rain. There’s a peace that I sorely miss.

These are reminders of home and of a different place, a different season. These are reminders that not all things are sunshine and clear skies.

Beautiful.

Rain falls.

* * *

It is approaching that time of the year again, the end of the year.

It is time for me to reread all of my posts and try to think and reflect over the past year. What have I learned? Have I grown? Have I become a better person?

Sure, a lot of things that happened this year and being in therapy for so long, there are many things that I have learned about myself, good and bad that I’m sure that I’ll want to work on and improve.

It is what I always believe, never stop growing and never stop learning. Find the better you. Keep peeling back the layers.

Hopefully I can look back and say that I am happier and that I am a better person after everything that happened this past year.

Who knows?

Who knows, indeed?

It always seems that around this time, especially with this weather, I become more reflective and more withdrawn from people. I am fully embracing my hermitude and I have no shame in that. I have no problem with that.

It’s just a part of me and who I am and I don’t know if there is anyone out there that will understand or can deal with it.

Many people may see it as a very solitary life, but that’s what it is about being a hermit, a loner; you’re always alone and you are okay with that.

Like I told Cynthia, I really don’t need companionship. I have my companionship in my pets. They keep me company. I have Scott who, even though we only talk once every few weeks and that’s all I really need. I don’t need anything more.

Maybe it is just something I tell myself, I don’t know, but I feel perfectly content with what I have.

So, it is time. It is time to be reflective and start rereading.

It is just time to see how much I have grown.

The next few weeks until I’m up north and doing my yearly bah humbug, it’ll be time to just reread and reflect.

Tired.

The weight of fatigue showers my body, drowning me in a listless haze as I try to put synapse firing into typing words.

I came out here to get back to routine after spending a few days at my aunt’s and cousin’s in the Bay Area for Thanksgiving.

I’m tired.

I got sick from staying at a house of recovering relatives.

It’ll last a day or two, but eventually I’ll get back to normal.

* * *

I was supposed to continue writing my pages this weekend, but I had to postpone it for another week because of this. I can’t even put thoughts into words nor even brainstorm or see the next few scenes.

I have an idea or a general direction as to where I need to go, but I just can’t today. It’s not going to happen today. Not today.

Even these words don’t make much sense nor are they any good.

I’ll have to manage.

* * *

Tired.

The drive up north was stressful.

I don’t think I have hated driving so much in my life as I was stuck behind late holiday travelers who thought they’d hit the road early to get to the bay area like me.

They just don’t know how to drive as I was stuck behind brake tappers and just inconsiderate drivers who like to cruise stroll in the passing lane like they are no other drivers on the road.

By two hours into the drive, I was ready to stop and grab a drink. Whiskey. Liquor. Libations. I needed it.

But when I got to my destination, things go better.

I settled down and just caught up with Cynthia and just chatted.

We talked about everything from my shrink, to me not wanting to be in a relationship and how my mom cries because her sons haven’t provided her with any grandchildren yet.

We talked about children and how I want them, but not necessarily a relationship and how I have looked into adopting and what that entails.

Out of everyone in my family, she’s the one that knows more about what is happening in my life.

We talked about my brother and how I saw so much great change in him and also about my father and how feel guilty about his death and how going to the shrink is helping me through that issue.

We talked about how she was doing, how her mom and her siblings were doing. It was a good talk, a chat, a tete-a-tete that was much needed.

It was just great to do that, to spend that time with family.

My aunt for the most part seemed fine, as she seemed really happy to have seen me at dinner. But it seems that she’s non-stop keeping busy, not resting or sitting, but always having to do something. I agree with Cynthia that she thinks it is a way for her mom to distract herself from everything.

It was kind of funny how Auntie told Cynthia to cook me dinner that night, thinking that she would be so rude as to make me fend for myself. It was also funny that Auntie called later that night to see if I had eaten, if not to go over to her place to eat.

Funny.

Family will always be family and I am glad that I am able to have that connection with them.

Like I said in many earlier posts of mine, I am the connecting point of all family; those of the west coast, the south, and those on the east coast.

Maybe that’s why me wanting a family is so important to me and not necessarily having a relationship.

* * *

Tired.

Sick.

Fatigued.

I can’t put thoughts into words. All things are elusive.

Healing. Slowly, but surely, the rational is pushing the irrational aside.

Slow and steady it is making its way into my consciousness. How long do I have to go? I don’t know.

I’ve always been a rational creature. I’m very pragmatic. It just makes sense.

Time to make a change.

* * *

Tired.

The day moves slow. Seconds tick by in what feel like minutes, hours. Time slows while you are sick so you can feel every extended second in misery. Pain. Ill.

* * *

I can’t put any thoughts together and to think I thought I would be able to actually do any creative writing today, working on my script and what not.

That is not the case when all that fills my thoughts is sleep.

Oh the beautiful comfort of my bed, caressing the sore tired body. Oh, the tenderness of being horizontal, curled up in fetal.

Oh my bed, my bed!

* * *

Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you.

It is time and you know it. It time.

* * *