That’s the plan.

That’s the game.

To get things done.

I go in, get shit done and try not to lose my shit.

That’s the game plan.

Get shit done.

The thing is that there’s just a lot of shit. Like a lot of shit.

But, someone has to do it and I’m the one.

* * *

Depression.

This is a different type of depression. It’s not the old friend of mine that I grew up with.

It’s different.

The usual symptoms are there. There’s the lack of interesting in doing things that I love to do. There’s the lack of motivation to do anything when I get home.

No interest in any of the shows I’m watching.

I find it so hard to focus on anything after work.

Depression.

It’s back, but it’s taking another form.

It’s very unfamiliar.

This isn’t my old friend. It’s a stranger.

Depression.

It’s not the cloudy gray mist that haunted me for most of my informative years. It’s not the toxic comfort company that I’ve grown accustomed to.

It’s different.

Depression.

This one is hard to describe.

I know it’s not related to anything that is happening in my personal life.

I’m not depressed about my circumstance or how I’m living my life. My single-ness isn’t the cause for this.

Life is status quo. I’m living my life how I want to live and sure, there is that small desire to change and I’m open to it.

There’s always that anxiety there, that fear of change, especially personal change, getting out of one’s routine and comfort zone. That’s expected and that’s something I am willing to accept and tackle as the time comes.

This is different.

This depression is work related.

It’s stress.

I haven’t dealt with this type of depression before. It’s new. It’s different.

Work made me depressed.

* * *

All that I can manage to do when I get home is to eat and think about work. When I’m not thinking about work and trying to figure out the solutions to the problems that are coming up or about the tools and workflow and process, all I want to do is to surf the interwebs.

I surf the web to deal with my stress.

I understand it now as I am going through it.

It’s mindless.

It’s numbing.

I find comfort in the memes and the internet articles and news. They are small quick snippets where I don’t have to think. Just mindless consumption.

I can’t even read any more. It takes too much concentration to read the words, digest the meaning, and understand the subtext and the context of everything.

That’s too much for my mind to handle.

Depression.

I wonder if I would like my old friend back other than this new stranger that I’ve found.

Would that be better? At least I would be able to read, right? Or is this it? This is the new evolution of it, with the new technology and new distractions that I have available.

This is it.

Depression.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I need a win. We need a win.

* * *

Depression.

I think the thing that trips me out about this new stranger is the lack of focus and severe lack of motivation to do anything but eat and numb my mind.

I have zero interest in the shows I’m watching or the book I’m reading or even listening to. I can’t focus.

My attention span maxes out in short short bursts.

In a way, it’s fascinating, and in a way, it’s frustrating all at the same time.

Fascinating.

It’s not the dire doom and gloom that I’m familiar with.

I feel fine. I feel great, like I’m living life.

There’s not that suffocating cloud of darkness that was so familiar. There’s not that sense of finality and drowning.

No. There’s none of that.

It’s a new feeling. It’s a feeling that I can’t process and that’s the thing that trips me out.

It’s fucking me up.

I’m Zen in many aspects of my life…but there’s this this-ness that trips me up.

I know it’s not going to last forever.

I know that it’ll end and things will get back to normal.

Again, no doom and gloom.

There’s still that optimism in me.

I guess in a way, I know what’s causing this. I know that once things settle down, I’ll be back to normal and this stranger will be gone.

Work.

Depression.

Fascinating.

* * *

How can I balance out the way that I’m feeling? How can I Zen out more?

I know there’s meditation. I know that I need to start working out more. I know I need to get back to yoga, but what else?

What can I do during the day to help?

I need to step away from my desk, my computer, the office, and hide. I need time to myself, to clear my brain, where I’m not thinking about anything work related.

I need an outlet.

Should I go write?

I should just doodle, free write, a free journal of sorts.

Scrap booking!

I don’t know, but I know I need a stress reliever. Something that is inconsequential and that I really don’t give a fuck about.

I need something that is a distraction away from my distractions from my distractions at work.

Let’s doodle. Let’s write. Let’s make lists. Let’s get back to thinking about something creative.

LET’S JUST DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Do it.

* * *

I need a break.

I need a short weekend to get away from things.

I want a short trip with Pickles somewhere. I don’t know what, but I know I need it.

This had been percolating in the back of my brain for a while now. I didn’t really get a break over Christmas, so I think I need a short vacation.

Nothing long.

Just two or three days where I’m out in nature or just not doing work.

Work balance.

Life balance.

I have it better than most.

I have it great, actually.

I know I’m stressed and I have a lot of pressure, but I’m in the same boat with so many other people.

At least I don’t have to be in the office until midnight.

At least I get paid for the extra hours that I’m working.

At least when I get home, I don’t have to really do more work.

Things aren’t really that bad. I just blow things up.

That’s my MO. That’s how I roll.

My problems are my mountains compared to many.

This stranger is a stranger. It’s not my old friend.

The stranger will be gone once everything gets done and stabilized.

So, let’s get shit done.

Get it done.

* * *

Work.

It seems that all I do now is work. I come out here to type my little entries and they are about work.

Work this.

Work that.

Stress this.

Stress that.

I haven’t been so stressed at the agency in a long time.

We’re launching this new set of tools and process and I don’t want it to fail. No one wants it to fail, but there are growing pains as with all new systems.

People are unwilling to accept change, some people are unclear of how the tools work, and some people are just fucking stupid.

People.

I think that’s the source of the majority of my stress.

Fucking people.

* * *

Thursday was probably one of the roughest days in a long while.

I’m behind on my work and it more work keeps coming.

Then all I hear are complaints and complaints and frustration.

One person called out the too as shit because they can’t access files or use the tool while on our client’s shitty wifi. Everyone knows that our client’s guest wifi is shitty.

EVERYONE knows this. We provide these users mifis specifically for this reason, but he felt that was unreasonable and therefore dismisses the tool right out.

Strike 1.

Then my BFF had some questions about the new tool sets and was confused about the whole setup and the logistics of it. This is a legit concern and I agree that it can get confusing.

I sat down with her, drew a diagram and tried to help her understand the tool and how things are setup.

I can see that she’s confused and frustrated and that doesn’t help my anxiety and frustration either.

A part of me feels that I didn’t do a good job in training in dispelling in the information that they needed to get these users up to speed. A part of me was frustrated with Microsoft with how they setup their tools and how lacking some of their stuff is and another part of me was just tired of everything.

Strike 2.

I honestly wasn’t that mad or offended or even frustrated by this. I really don’t blame them. Again, her concern was legit and should be a concern to my team and me. It just shows that people need more training. Better training. Clear training.

For the rest of the day I was stressed, frustrated and definitely there were times when I just wanted to run, hide, and cry. My emotions and the pressure from the stress was too much, but eventually I relaxed and calmed down.

The thing that finally broke me happened while I was disconnected from everything.

There was a happy hour that afternoon and I decided to go because I needed a drink because of everything. Of course, my phone dies at happy hour, so I missed everything.

Getting in the car after everything there were a barrage of emails and conversations going back and forth about a disconcerting email that went out to many higher up and dozens and dozens of people throwing our tool under the bus.

There weren’t many specific details to the email but that this user was having problems sharing a PowerPoint presentation and called out the tool as the culprit.

The link that he sent worked fine, without any problems.

He never reached out to me or my team for any help and went ahead and just shat on the tool.

I was pissed. Fucking livid.

Strike 3.

That almost broke me. It was a culmination of everything.

EVERYTHING.

After dinner, my boss sent me a few emails giving us more insight into the issue.

Going over the emails, it was all user error. Fucking user error.

This fucking guy fucked up and instead of taking responsibility for it, he blamed the tool.

He sent out three emails in total. There are two hyperlinks to SharePoint files in both.

The excel file worked fine. The PowerPoint link was a link to an empty PowerPoint presentation.

The second email, he claimed to have sent the proper link, but the fucker sent a bad link in the hyperlink. He forgot to delete everything before he pasted the shareable link in the hyperlink. So, whenever users click on the link, it fails because it doesn’t know what that link is.

The third email was the one that I received initially, with just the link pasted in the email and it works.

ALL FUCKING USER ERROR.

It broke me.

During dinner, I was stress eating. I normally don’t go out to eat during the week, but I came home late, didn’t want to cook, and I was just looking to drown my sorrows and frustration in food.

Stress eating has been my drug of choice as of late.

I posted an IG post that was so true. That day was the first time in my almost decade tenure at the agency where I almost lost my shit around people. It was the first time that I wanted to fucking give up, break down, and cry.

This shit is breaking me.

After everything, and figuring out it was user error, I was over it. It wasn’t the tool, but the users.

* * *

I was in better spirits the next day.

Emails were coming in and the things that I had to do kept piling up but early in the morning, we had a conversation with the fucker and his boss.

My boss and I went down to discuss the situation.

There was a lot of push back and just confusion about everything.

Yes. Microsoft Teams can be confusing on how it was built with the dual SharePoint thing. The Teams SharePoint is a restricted SharePoint site, hence the difficulties in sharing out documents from time to time.

But, the situation from the night before wasn’t the tools fault. It was user error.

While showing them the tool, explaining to them about the Teams SharePoint and everything, I tried so hard to keep my cool. Apparently, I was shaking the whole time.

Either way, the thing that came out of it was that I’ll ramp up a proper SharePoint site and connect it to their Team. We have a training next week to go through everything.

Everyone was to blame in this situation. The tone of the email that was sent out. The fucker – not contacting IT when he had problems.

IT, us, me not doing proper training or not clarifying any issues.

We are all at fault.

Later in the afternoon, I had another discussion with my BFF with the tool and everything and it was a better conversation. I wasn’t so stressed and we all came to conclusion that we, the agency as a whole, shouldn’t be forced into one single process.

We all have to understand that different teams and groups work differently and shouldn’t need to adopt a workflow and process that really doesn’t apply to them.

IT can provide these teams tools and some standards and it’s a matter of figuring out how to implement these tools into their workflow.

That’s ultimately the big hurdle with my BFF’s team.

* * *

Change is here and many are against it.

That’s the gist of it.

It’ll be an ongoing battle and I honestly don’t want this to fail. I’ve poured so much of myself into this. It’s killing me.

I told my boss I’ll most likely have a mental breakdown in six months. I definitely believe that is true if things don’t go smoother.

There are many successes but it seems like there are so many other battles left.

Will it end?

If so, when?

* * *

I’m a phoney.

I was called one at least.

It all goes back to me being anti-social.

The Iranian still doesn’t see it that way, but who cares.

I find it funny and fascinating.

Many people actually see it that way.

I don’t like to go out. To me, that’s socializing. I don’t like parties, I don’t like clubs, I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like loud places.

I don’t mind getting a quiet dinner with a small group or with someone, but anything really outside of that…not much.

It is what it is.

* * *

Creativity.

I miss it. I miss those juices running through my body. I miss those thoughts and those sparks that make me giddy with joy as I get an idea of how to do something or write something.

I miss it.

I’m trying to get back into it. I’m trying to work my way, stretch that muscle again.

It’s going to be tough, but I want to do it.

I know that I want to write a Hallmark Christmas type movie, but I just don’t know what it’ll be.

I’m working on research, watching all the movies that I can when I have the time, but I’m so busy with work that it’s a little difficult.

I’ve seen a handful, but I need to watch more.

I need to think of a story, figure out what I want to say.

Then, the creativity can go, but my brain is so fried from work, it’s difficult.

Sigh.

First world problems.

I’m whining because I am too busy to think of anything creative to do.

Sigh.

* * *

Motivation.

I have no motivation to do anything.

None.

I don’t know if it is the stress from work that kills my drive to do anything or if I’m falling back into that old friend again.

There are times when I feel that my friend is here, that familiar gray of ickiness, but then there are times when I don’t think it is.

If it is, it’s a new type of friend, something that I haven’t dealt with or something I don’t remember.

It’s not the depression from high school or even college.

It’s something else.

Is it the rut again, the feelings that I felt during my MLC?

I don’t know. It’s familiar and at the same time, not.

I don’t know what it is.

There’s no wifi today at Volcano.

I can’t connect and I can’t figure out why. It didn’t error out saying the password is incorrect.

I don’t know. Hopefully they’ll fix it, if not, whatever.

I’m tired.

So tired.

Taking a break this weekend and not working even though I’m sure I can do some work, but I won’t. The whole SM office is in kind of a lock down this weekend since there’s a planned maintenance that requires the power to be shut down.

I won’t have access to the network and such to do any SharePoint work.

I’m sure I still can do some work at home, but nah.

I need a fucking break.

I need to rest. I don’t want to do anything.

Not a damn thing. Not even chores, but they must be done.

Tired.

Tired.

* * *

iOS 11.2.1

It’s killing my phone.

The battery drains and drains and I’ll need to charge it multiple times through the day.

If I leave it unplug through the night, I’ll wake up with around 20% battery. Sometimes more, but sometimes less. Not good.

I tried to roll back to 11.2, but it won’t let me restore the phone from the backup. It’ll let me restore from iCloud, but then it’ll automatically install 11.2.1, which I don’t fucking want.

Sigh.

Apple, you had a fucking rough 2017. Fucking fix your shit. Stop pushing out updates that fuck up phones.

iOS 11 is a fucking piece of shit. Sure, there are good things, but fuck man, just junk software. I’ve had problems with it since I installed it.

I thought with 11.2, it would fix everything and it did, but then 11.2.1 came out and fucked everything up again, much worse than the other releases.

Sigh.

Conspiracy theorists believe that they have been throttling performance for years and it came out that they do throttle performance on peak performance when the batter is not optimal.

Yeah, they fucked up. They’re still going to throttle your shit, but they apologized, so it’s okay, right?

Sigh.

Apple. Their quality seems to be going downhill the past few years.

Sigh.

* * *

Apathy.

Just not caring.

I think that’ll be my approach on this whole SharePoint migration. I need to stay out of it and not care when things don’t make sense.

It’s killing me. Stressed.

So stressed.

People.

They’re bringing me down.

* * *

Progress.

Dash.

It’ll be finished and launched soon. Fuckin ‘a. It’s been a long project, but I’m fucking glad that portion of it is over.

Project Management.

In a way, I love it, taking on a project and seeing it come to fruition, and finishing it, but at the same time, it is so stressful when things aren’t going well or taking too long and I don’t have control in getting the people to get their shit together and work and get things turned in on time.

I don’t have a knack for it, to push, to threaten. People will work the way they work and sometimes they are overextended and projects delay and delay.

Stress.

I don’t like it much.

I don’t need it.

Stress.

Blah.

Over it.

* * *

They finished my floors for the apartment.

It looks all right. I don’t mind it. It makes cleaning a lot easier when Pickles has an accident or get pissy, pun intended, which he already did. Cleaning was a breeze, wipe it up and go.

There’s no need to sprinkle baking soda over the mess and then wash the carpet. Mop and go.

Easy peasy.

There’s no smell to deal with as with the carpet, which just soaks up the aroma from the room.

I like it.

It’s an adjustment for sure, me deciding if I should wear slippers or go bare feet.

I’ve been wearing slippers since the floors were dirty. I swept it today and it felt better and when I get home I’ll mop the floor and we’ll go from there.

The pets aren’t a fan. Pickles slips around and his claws go clickity-clack all around. I don’t even see Relish walking around at all. She hides during the day and will come out from her spot once in a blue moon.

It’s an adjustment for everyone and I think it’ll be good in the long run.

It’s a change and change takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s different and sometimes different is what you’ve been striving for because old and same is just that, old and same.

Change it up. Switch it up.

* * *

Happy New Year.

I guess my strive for change keeps going.

Instead of writing in my usual, Volcano, I switched it up today and came to Coffee Tomo.

Why?

Because it was open.

It’s a long story.

My fear and anxiety of the whole floor remodel of my apartment came true. They weren’t even close to being finished.

There’s no cover over the cement floor. All my stuff stacked up in the bathroom and kitchen, exposing the open floor so they can get to work.

Most of the carpet was stripped, leaving a small patch where my dresser is in the closet.

It’s a mess and I don’t know when they’ll be finished.

Instead of doing my usual weekend routine of grocery shopping and coming back and watching youtube or what I thought I’d do this morning, which was reorganizing back to where they belong, I opted to just leave the house early.

It’s really not suitable to just chill there.

I called the Bob asking for an ETA and I have to call the vet tomorrow to extend my furkids stay.

So, 2018.

It’s going. It’s going and I have to be okay with it.

I have no control over the situation and I have to make the best of it.

I guess it’s a way to get me out of the house and it’s working.

I wanted to get out of the house more and do things and switch up my routine and it is happening.

Now, whether Coffee Tomo would be my new regular, that’s a stretch, but it’s an option.

Options are good.

It’s good to switch things up from time to time.

Be different.

Uproot routine.

* * *

A part of me seethes over the situation, but a large part of me is okay with it.

It was expected. My anxiety told me so.

Normally I would take a picture and IG it and be like…blah blah blah blah;

I’m still tempted to do it, but I think maybe not so much this time.

New Year.

Let’s do things different. Let’s be like The Last Jedi and subvert expectations.

Change requires a conscious effort. I know my routines. I know myself.

So, let’s be conscious of all the choices that I have and not act like I normally would. Slow down, weigh all of my choices and choose accordingly to how I feel and what makes sense to move myself to be a better person.

Let’s see how long this will last.

How long will I make a conscious effort to subvert my own expecations and my own nature for growth?

It’s a new year.

I already know that there’s a change coming. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a change in store for me.

I might as well help it along.

Just a little push to get things going.

* * *

Change.

It’s been on my mind lately. It’s been on my mind for a few years now.

I’ve always told myself that this would be the last time that I’ll grow my hair out and donate it.

I wouldn’t do it again for the foreseeable future.

Why?

It’s because I’ll be 40 soon. I know, I’m only 38 and in four months I’ll be 39.

I told myself that when I hit 40, I’ll give adulting a try.

I’ve been telling myself that for the past year or so, or however long I have been growing out my hair.

40.

Change.

Adulting.

What does that entail?

I know the last time that I had this feeling, this pressure to be an adult, to grow up, settle down. I remember that time.

I had a break down.

I had my mid-life-crisis. The MLC.

Will it be the same?

Will I be putting the same pressures on myself that I did years before? Will it fuck me up the same way that it did before or am I fixed enough, or even mature enough to handle it now?

I don’t know.

I guess in a way, I’m almost 39 and I still don’t fucking know what I want out of life.

All I know is that I love my life and I enjoy my life.

Again, sure, I bitch a lot and I know I take a lot of things for granted, but hot damn, my life is good.

I’m so fortunate compared to so many other people in the world.

So. Fucking. Fortunate.

Be more grateful.

Be more compassionate.

Stop being so quick to judge.

Hahha, that fucking judgmental asshole. I don’t know how, why, and when it became so prominent in my life, but I know it’s there and I don’t like it.

So, I’m giving myself 16 months to get me into adulting shape.

No fucking clue what that is, but let’s be nicer to myself and work out a little bit more.

I can feel my muscles atrophy.

Change.

It’s a lot of work. It’s scary, especially when you have no goals or an end point to strive for. When will you know you’ll be done with the change?

I guess that’s the thing with the type of change I’m talking about and want. There is no end.

It’s a constant need to grow and be a better person, a good person, a more desirable person.

Change.

It’s coming and so far, I’m getting a little push to make the change.

I think I’ll need all the help that I can get.

* * *

Here I am, back at Volcano.

I came back before it opened.

Small little baby steps.

I like the idea of life forcing me to change and make these little adjustments, but I also like the choice of making these choices too.

We shall see.

I think I’m done for today.

Keeping it short since I’ve been rambling on and on on here for a few days straight.

Let’s save some for next weekend.

2018.

It’s a weird start that’s testing my patience and I can overcome this.

2018.

It’s bringing it.

It’s almost over.

Just hours before the end of 2017 and 2018 ushers in to something new.

I don’t even know what I’m doing out here this morning.

I don’t have much else to write. My brain empties out everything from the day before.

There’s not much to say.

I sit, tinkering around on the web this morning, catching up with the world and my small social circle.

There’s not much. Not much at all.

Hours.

* * *

I’m looking forward to going home tonight.

I’m looking forward to see how my new floors turned out. It’s been nagging at me the whole trip. I don’t know if they have enough time to finish the floors, especially with all the shit that I have in the apartment.

I wonder how my place is. Will it be a mess when I get back? Will they put everything back to where they belong and all I have to do is plug in all the electronics?

I don’t know.

I’ve been anxious most of the week about it.

It’s out of my control, I know, but it’s my place and I feel that I need to have some control over that situation.

I don’t know why my brain harps on things that I don’t have control over. I live and breathe by that little idiom, that little philosophy.

Let go of things that you don’t have control over.

I’m usually good with things like that, but I don’t know why I’m harping on this.

Maybe it affects me directly or maybe I’m just an old crotchety get off my fucking lawn old man that shakes his fist at the damn kids on his lawn.

Let it go.

If shit breaks, fix it.

If things are a mess, put it back together.

I’m not doing anything tomorrow. I don’t need to be anywhere tomorrow. I have no plans.

I’ll be completely alone tomorrow, one free day of doing whatever I want without needing to worry about taking care of Pickles and Relish.;

It’s a free day. A free vacation day.

You have time.

It’ll be a day of cleanup.

That’s symbolic, right?

You start the New Year off by cleaning up the mess.

2017.

It was a mess of a year. Ups and downs, but overall a stressed mess of a year.

2018.

Clean it up.

Put things back to where they belong.

Start fresh. Start new.

Clean it up.

Very symbolic.

* * *

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

I just remembered that 2017 is the Year of the Dog.

I got about another month and a half.

In the Chinese Zodiac, Sheeps and Dogs don’t get along. It was a bad year for me because of it. I should have known that a damn dog would be one of the biggest stressors of this year.

Fuck.

I lied.

It was the year of the rooster. I thought we were cool.

C’mon man?

Ugh, fuck. 2018.

Year of the Dog.

* * *

Sigh.

2018.

A little worried.

Change is good.

Change is great, if it is controlled.

It’s warranted. I want to change. I want to evolve. I want to be better.

Strive to be better.

Always.

Always work and try and better oneself.

I know my faults.

I love my faults, but faults are faults. I’ve lived with many of the long enough and slowly these faults will fade.

I’ve come a long way.

So far.

I’m a changed person.

Time.

Self-Awareness.

Effort.

A better me.

Do it.

My time up here winds down to its final days.

I leave tomorrow night and overall, besides having to work, which I really didn’t mind, it was a good trip.

I didn’t do much or see much, but I never got bored. I had something to do, even if it is work. It was something.

Mom did her usual mom thing and cooked all of my favorite dishes. I do wonder if she cooks for my brother or if it is just me because she doesn’t see me that often and felt obligated to do her mom duties.

I got to see some other family too.

I went to Kiety’s yesterday afternoon and met Faith, her kids, and Julie and her kids, along with Kiety’s family. It was good seeing all the kids again.

I find it funny that Emily and Emerson both want to go out of state for school and they still got a long while to go before they should even think about college.

Emily is a freshman and Emerson is in middle school.

They both know that they want to go out of state for school. Emily says she wants to go to California. She loves California.

Of course, her mom wants her to stay close. Go in state. She doesn’t want her to leave, ever and I’m there egging her on, go out of state. I tell her if she wants to make it a little cheaper to go to college in LA, go to SMC first, get her residency and then apply for UCLA or even USC.

Ultimately, in the end, she knows that she’s way too young to think about college. Enjoy high school, then decide where to go later.

Funny how parents are like that, especially Chinese parents.

They’re old school like that, I guess.

While I was giving Faith a recap of Italy and what I thought, Li said that there were a few things missing. Two girls.

Hahhahaha. She brought that up a few times, me needing a girlfriend or something.

Why won’t they just let it die?

Just. Let. It. Die.

Overall, the trip was great. Catching up with most everyone was great.

Good to be around family again, but I still love being away from it all.

I love being my own little island in the big archipelago that is our family.

There’s the big island where most all of the family is and in the one that’s far off and away.

* * *

Family. Family dynamics and keeping score.

My family is better than yours because we get better presents and we go on more trips.

Ahhh, family.

Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

* * *

After the year that I had, that everyone had, I’m a little anxious about what next year will be like.

I love that each year is a blank slate, a new canvas waiting for my new stroke to paint it to whatever it is that I want.

But there are things that happen that are out of my control, things that may happen because of the choices that I make.

I understand that. I know that.

I embrace that.

Leave things behind and start things fresh and new.

I hope I’m able to start things off well, or at least have a boring year.

I don’t want any excitement or drama.

Simple.

Peaceful.

Quiet.

It’s all I ask.

Will that be feasible?

I don’t know. I have no control over what happens.

I go with the flow, letting life happens and making my decisions and hope for the best.

Be an adult about it.

Life.

Time.

It goes.

Embrace it.

* * *

New Year’s Eve.

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve on an airport shuttle going back to where I parked my car.

We didn’t make a big deal out of it when the countdown began and it became New Year’s Day.

This year would be the same. I’ll be either in a cab or in a Lyft or Uber. I’ll pass the New Year with a stranger. It’ll be no different than last year.

The difference this year would be how I spend New Year’s Day. I won’t have any of my furkids with me.

I won’t pick them up until Tuesday, after work.

Last year, at least Relish was home, but I’ll be completely alone on Monday.

It’ll be different. It’ll be new.

I haven’t spent a New Year’s Day alone since 2006. 12 years ago.

Something new. Something different.

Change.

For some reason, I have a feeling that things are going to change for me next year.

I know I want to make a change, but I think there might be something bigger that may change in my life.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe that’s why I have this anxious feeling about what is to come.

New. Change.

Different.

I don’t know what it is, but there’s something in the air.

Something something.

Will it be a good change, or a bad change?

Who knows?

Or maybe I’m going to go back to old habits?

No idea.

Change.

It’s in the air.

It’s inevitable.

Life, the world, tends to fall towards entropy and chaos by design.

Change.

We all just need to find the beauty in that chaos.

There’s always some beauty in it.

There’s beauty everywhere.

Change.

It’s in the air.

It’ll happen.

It’s a crapshoot.

2018.

Blank canvas.

It waits for my first brush stroke that may set the foundation to what the year would be.

Change.

It’s happening.

Let’s see what 2018 will be.

Bring it.

Trying something new today. Something a little different.

This time around, I’ve been coming to the coffee shop close to 8 in the morning even though I’m usually up around six-ish. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized that the shop actually opens around 7 in the morning and I’m here a quarter past 7 this morning.

I’ll probably stick to my schedule of going back home close to 9 to do some work. I’ll be finishing up the project today. Just some minor clean up to help users out and direct them to the new SharePoint site.

It’ll be an interesting Tuesday when we get back when people can’t figure out how to get to their site and do their work. It’ll be interesting indeed.

In the theme of wanting to switch up the routine and breaking out my usual, I’m not listening to my usual music anymore. I’m switching it up!

Instead of the usual Chinese playlist or some pop channel, I’m picking random stations that fit my mood or something that sounds interesting to help me write.

The channel this morning?

Creative Boost.

It’s chill music, but not sure why it’s considered Creative though.

I thought about picking white noise and work on that, but I don’t know. I’m taking this breaking out of my routine and comfort zone a step at a time dammit.

White noise would be the far extreme.

People swear by it, maybe when I get serious about writing again I’ll switch to that.

Who knows?

* * *

So what is it today? What is there to write about today?

Random random?

Most likely it’ll be random random.

I don’t have many thoughts anymore.

Brain is too fried to do anything critical. I’m more excited about it being the first real day of break for me. I’ll do some cleanup after I get home and in the afternoon, I should be free to catch up on my shows and movies.

I get to sit in front of the couch and veg out.

Looking forward to being a potato.

* * *

Going back to something I wrote yesterday, the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

On a whim, I googled How to write a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie and found a few interesting articles.

Some fan wrote down some of the main plot points of some of these movies: http://shellymazzanoble.com/?p=1013

So fascinating.

I also stumbled upon Hallmark Channel’s Write for us page where they detailed their submission guidelines. I forwarded it to Scott to peruse.

He may get a kick out of it.

I sure did.

So fascinating that there’s an audience out there for this stuff. Well, there’s an audience for anything out there. Anything.

Anything.

* * *

Hmmmm…Here’s another wrinkle in the Fireplace Gang mystery.

I have now dubbed the group of people that usually sit around the fireplace, the Fireplace Gang. This is the group with the older gentleman and his macbook, which I thought was a writer’s group but I made an assumption yesterday that it was a bible study.

The older gentleman isn’t here today, but the younger guy with the bible is. Hmm, maybe I was wrong and he just happened to sit next to the older gentleman because it was close to the fire.

Maybe.

The mystery continues.

* * *

Hmmmm….not sure about this Creative Boost. Not sure how this is helping my creative juices.

It’s sure different from my usual sound. When the music distracts one’s attention when they are trying to be focus and be creative, it’s not the right music.

Switching the channel.

HA! Coffee Break!

Bland chill acoustic music.

Right up my alley.

So right up my alley.

* * *

It’s raining today. Real rain. Steady rain.

It’ll be raining all day.

I sit, staring out the windows as I watch the cars zoom by. Everyone is off on their daily grind, getting the early start on the light traffic. It’ll be the last day of work for most 9-5ers until the New Year.

I wonder how productive will they be?

Not very productive is my guess.

I just looked up at the TV and a new one starts.

Two flight attendants are getting on a plane to start their holiday workday at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Sea-Tac.

Home!

This piques my interest even more. I have to look up this movie.

What is it?

Christmas Connection

Flight attendant Sydney is tasked with looking after Leah, an unaccompanied minor. After Leah is safely delivered to her father, Jonathan, Sydney finds a package Leah left behind and delivers it to Leah. She missed her connection, and Jonathan invites her to spend the holidays with them. Stars Brooke Burns, Tom Everett Scott.

Fascinating!

Hahhaha, I don’t understand where this fascination with these movies come.

The randomness of the universe.

So random.

So fascinating.

I’m sure my attention won’t be on this little thing much longer, as I type, I’ll be looking up at the tv.

They just had like a five-minute scene of the two leads sitting at a table in the airport just talking. Where’s the fucking child? Oh, she’s decorating the damn tree.

What the fuck?

What the holy fuck?

Hahhaa. Interesting.

Fascinating.

I need to get out of there before I watch the whole damn thing.

So, did she spend like fucking days and weeks at this stranger’s house?

What the holy fuck is happening here?

I guess I should stop asking questions and just not pay attention or go with it.

Not paying attention and not being able to listen to the dialogue adds to the confusion.

Fuck it.

I’m done.

I think I’ve been watching the same movie every morning since I’ve been to Asensio and I don’t know what it is.

They have their TV set to the Hallmark Channel and I can’t figure out if it is the same movie or not. I’ve been here a total of 5 days and they all seem the same. Well, maybe it’s their cast, but it’s two white leads and not much else.

I’m very curious to know if it is the same movie and curious to know if it is actually any kinds of good. I highly doubt it, but who know, it might be.

So, I’m fucking done with my yearly bah humbug to all and reflection and now anything is fair game. It’s back to my typical brain purge.

* * *

I’ve been working nonstop on this SB to SP migration since the break started. The first few days were rough; long hours and it wasn’t until yesterday when I finished with everything.

I asked for more work yesterday as I finished things that could have waited until the New Year. As I went through the site and saw how they were setup, I realize that I have a few things to clean up on top of the new National sites that I asked for.

The current SB structure is a mess with multiple sites for the same model. I’m consolidating those sites into one and I already have a meeting the first day back to discuss the structure even more. It doesn’t make sense to put all of these files in multiple locations. We all need to come together and work things out, ’cause it’ll get ugly quick.

Real quick.

I found that I haven’t finished the collateral site. I built it and left it thinking I would go back to it. I forgot. I didn’t remember it until last night as I investigated the National structure even more.

Man, I’ve just been swamped, but there’s light and things are in better shape and I have control over things.

Things will be fine.

Moving on.

* * *

Every day I come here, or most every time I come here these past few years, I see an older gentleman sitting in the corner and sometimes it seems he’ll be leading a group or something. He’ll have his shiny new macbook out and I thought he was leading a writing group or something, I don’t know.

I noticed that he’s here again, this time with a younger guy sitting in the opposite corner and I see that he’s reading a Bible.

Bible study. Hmmmm. It could be.

Maybe.

I like that answer. It’s not as romantic and relatable as a writing group, but Bible Study.

Makes sense. Maybe.

I like these little nuggets of information. It gives the situation more detail and a little humanity, some kernel of truth in everything.

* * *

Dad.

I don’t remember the last time I saw him in my dreams. I don’t even remember the last time he was in my thoughts.

Maybe I never think about it since he’s been in my thoughts or he’s in my thoughts so often that it’s second nature, but I remembered him being in my dreams on Friday night.

I don’t remember much of the details. We were sitting together alone in some weird empty room. We were having dinner or something and we’re talking Ngai. I remember that clearly, but I don’t remember what the conversation was about.

I felt a little anxious, as I know that my Chinese is getting worse, but I manage and we were okay. I wish I remembered what it was that we talked about. Maybe he’s asking me how I’m doing. I don’t know, but I missed it. I miss him.

It was a surprise to see him in my dreams. It’s been so long. So so long.

I miss him.

I think it was the same night that I dreamt that Pickles had a bout of explosive diarrhea too. Lo’ and behold, I got a call a few days ago from the vet saying that he has diarrhea. I told the switch to a different diet.

This happens most every time and I don’t understand why they don’t make a note of it in his file so they know not to feed him their usual food to begin with.

I authorized a checkup and meds if it gets worse, but I know that a switch in diet will work.

I have to let that go.

Ugh. People.

I know that they are worried and don’t want Pickles to be in discomfort, but c’mon, if it happens all the time and you know the solution, do it.

* * *

I was curious and looked up the Hallmark Channel’s schedule. It’s been a different movie every day that I’ve been here.

How?

How are there so many different holiday movies on the channel? How?

If there’s an audience and it’s cheap, I guess.

Maybe I should write one. Throw in all of these Christmas cheer and charming lovey dovey shit. Maybe.

Project?

Maybe.

* * *

Christmas turned out all right. I think I over did it with the food, especially with the homemade pasta. I was hoping it had turned out better, but I was disappointed in it.

I was banking on the pasta maker, which didn’t turn out to be a good one and I was preparing way too much food.

I needed some help and my bro was nowhere to be seen. He said he was sick, but he could have told me.

A little annoyed, but whatever.

I he’s been no different in terms of who and how he is, but he seems more of a little dick to me now. I don’t know why, maybe it was with the whole picking me up at the airport shit, but I think he’s a fucking dick.

Maybe I’m being sensitive. Who knows?

Christmas.

It was good. I cooked the prime rib the way that I wanted it to cook, which was high then low and it turned out to be a perfect medium rare. The other years that my bro cooked it, it turned out uneven with the higher temp. High and low, that’s the way to go.

It turned out good.

I had a great time catching up with the kids and talking about what they’ve been up to with school and work. It was good.

I ate too much and drank too much that day though. I passed the fuck out after they left.

Christmas, the only time a year that I’m around that family. I enjoy it.

It’s not because it is Christmas and no, I’m not a Christmas person, but it’s more about the family time, catching up, seeing the kids grow up, on the cusp of being adults, and talking about their interests. It’s good to see them turn out to be well adjusted and normal.

I wish nothing but the best for them. I wish nothing but the best for all of my family and friends.

The best.

* * *

It’s wet outside.

The snow has melted and the cold has warmed. The gentle droplets fall from the sky as Washington shows me everything that it has to offer while I’m up here.

There was the bitter stinging cold of a sunny day to the moody gray of a cloudy day and the gentle golden haze of the sun coming through a thick heavy fog.

Weather.

It’s exciting to see the change and the different things nature has to offer.

It’ll be back to the glorious clear skies and sunshine for another year in a few days, but I’m going to sit back and enjoy this wetness while I can.

Till tomorrow.

Merry Fucking Christmas!!!

I made it home, with a few small bumps here and there.

I had to work at the airport, which is fine, since I got there way way early anyway.

It was just the pickup that was a little annoying. There obviously was traffic, which he should have anticipated. We’ve been doing this for a few years now and yet, he leaves like there wouldn’t be any traffic. When he got close, instead of finding the closest place to me where he can pulls he, he fucking drives all the way to the end of the fucking airport and parks, ’cause there was no one there.

Fuck that. Inconsiderate asshole.

Hahhaa, I guess we all are dicks, and I see that his dickishness is coming out.

I guess it is only fair.

Bah Humbug!

Bah Humbug indeed.

* * *

Here I am at Asensio, my usual stomp whenever I’m up here in the PNW doing my yearly thing. I do love how the owners remember me. I’m sure they see many regulars on a daily basis, but they do remember me, the guy who only comes up to the PNW once or twice a year and will come to the coffee shop every morning for about a week or so.

I love that. There’s a sense of familiarity, friendliness, and community here.

* * *

It’s that time of the year again, my yearly diatribe. It’s here where I reflect and do my bah humbug to all.

2017.

Good riddance.

It’s been a shit show of a year. There were many surprises and adventures and there were many lessons learned and stressors.

It’s a year unlike any other year, but just a smidge towards the extreme.

2017 was a year that will be broken in half and each half was a shit show for different reasons.

The first half was a combination of work pressures and everything that happened with Relish. The second half is the ongoing SharePoint project. I finally got my head around it and have things under control, but there’s just a lot of work.

Right in the middle of these two shit shows was the demarcation line, the trip to the Rockies. It was a great end to the first half and the start of the second half.

I don’t know how this will flow, but I guess I’ll wing it.

So here goes, my bah humbug to all.

* * *

Again, it was unlike any other year. Life went on. Things happened. There were many adventures and made many stories.

It was life. My life was curated by me on my own terms.

Sure, life kind of threw its wretched wrench in there just to make it so things to so easily, but in the end, it was a trying year but a good year.

Maybe I jinxed myself in the past few years complaining that I have nothing to do at work, so they gave me this endless project.

This never-ending project.

I’m managing and we see the light.

Definitely, there’s light.

2017.

It was a year, which I learned to treat my body better. But with ever step forward and any forward momentum in getting healthier, of course there were many steps backwards.

That’s how it goes.

That’s how it goes.

I guess this is a good place to start.

* * *

2017.

It was another Year of Phong.

Sure, that takes on the same connotations that I’ve defined since the whole Year of Phong started, but there’s a little something more to it.

My health.

I tried to focus on my health this year. Not only my mental health, but my physical health too. I’m not talking about the going to the gym and getting swoll type of health, but more of the keeping my body relatively fit and trying to eat a little healthier so it doesn’t give out on me.

I started the year with doing yoga and running, but the running didn’t last as it hurt my knees after two days. The yoga didn’t last either especially when I got sick in February while I was doing the Whole30 diet.

Hopefully I can start again with the yoga come the New Year and maybe just working on weight training too.

I focused on trying to figure out my stomach ailments; especially the stomach cramps and gas pain since I came back from Italy.

IBS.

Doctor’s confirmed it and I now know that I can’t eat raw cabbage and even apples. I’ll have to investigate this more, but I need to stay away from high FODMAPs food.

Not every one of those foods will give me problems, but it’s good to know that I have a resource to refer to if problems happen again. I have control over things.

I wouldn’t say that I’m an unhealthy eater. I wouldn’t say that I’m a crunchy granola healthy eater either, but I do like to believe that I am a healthy eater.

For the most part, I cook all of my meals from scratch, well, let’s say about 80% of the time. I don’t eat much fast food or processed foods. Healthy, whole ingredients.

I’ve been doing this for a while and with the yearly food projects, it helps even more.

I’m trying to be healthy so that my body doesn’t give out on me at 45.

I can feel my bones popping and creaking.

I’m making an effort.

I’m going to the chiropractor to get a massage and get adjusted on a fairly regular schedule.

I walk a shit ton. I get on average about 18K steps a day and there will be days when I’m up to 28K steps.

Just active. Or at least, I’m trying to.

Floating.

Sensory deprivation.

I went floating for the first time earlier this year, in February and it was one of the most transformative things that I had ever done.

That feeling of total calm and Zen was addicting. I went again in November and again a last week and that same calm came over me. The last time left me with a calm anger annoyance, which was weird, but I have decided that I am going to start doing this regularly too.

I’ll focus on calm and meditate. It’s important.

Zen.

It’s important.

With everything that happened this year along with the workload and the pressures of managing the SharePoint project, I needed a way to relax.

Sure, cooking helped, but I turned to the bottle.

Whiskey. My drink of choice now.

I would drink to calm down. I’ll have wine with my dinner or given the opportunity, I’ll go out with some coworkers for happy hours if I’m invited and I would drink.

It’s not a great way to deal with stress. There’s nothing wrong with drinking, unless you have an addiction.

There’s something wrong with it if you use it as a crutch to help you deal with stress or even to help you calm the inner brain and anxieties that spring up.

That’s a lesson I’m learning this year. I know I touch upon the whole drinking thing from time to time in the void of mine, but I’m starting to learn that it’s an issue.

Whiskey blackouts.

That’s what I get. I think what did it for me was when I don’t remember pieces of the Christmas party because I was so shit faced and my belligerent behavior during the Spring Agency Meeting. Blackouts.

It’s a problem when you don’t remember being dismissive to a good coworker of yours, who’s also an SVP of the agency. I feel so bad.

It’s an issue and I guess it’s something I’ll work on in the future.

Don’t overdo it or find something else that works.

2018.

Let’s find another drink, shall we?

* * *

2017

Year of Phong

Riding Solo…yet again.

I’ve mentioned it time and time again on this here void that the past couple of years seem to be a reset to back when I first moved down here.

I continue to do my own thing and be on my own. I’ll go to the movies every week and run any errands I need to run, go to work, and just be home. Unlike then though, I have my furkids to keep me company.

Sure, I’ve come a long way since then; 16 and a half years can do that to a person.

With time, a conscious effort, a desire for growth, and a need to find some inner peace from the depression I had back then, I’ve changed a lot.

I’m in a better mental state and things that were so foreign and caused me anxiety seems so easy now.

2017.

It was another year where I attempted to do a Year of Yes again. Again, it was semi successful.

There were times when I would just forget that I’m doing and other times when I just didn’t want to go out.

Of course, it all depends if I ever get asked to do things in the first place.

Work stuff, in terms of actual things that pertains to my job; I’ll make a decision depending on what it is and what I can or cannot do.

But, I’m talking about things that affect me on a social or a personal level. That’s the point of this, right? To be more social? To interact? To be normal and to experience life outside my comfort zone?

Well, at least that’s what I think this whole exercise means to me.

Thinking back, I’m trying to remember how often that I went out this year or was asked? Sure, I had the work obligations like the agency meetings and Christmas Party, but what else?

There were a lot of going away happy hours and happy hours in general. For the most part, I went to most of them. Some more willingly than others, because of the company and overall, it was a great time.

Things get easier.

I wonder if me being out there more and more gives other people a different kind of impression than what I think I really am.

I am still the self-proclaimed prosolitude antisocial guy. I am.

That’s me to the core.

But, I can socialize. I do socialize….on my terms.

People get this idea that I’m a very social butterfly who has all of these friends and when I tell them that I am very antisocial, they call bullshit. The Iranian for example.

It all depends.

Being antisocial and being nice and decent aren’t mutual exclusive. If people are nice and chatty, I can do the same. That’s decorum.

This year kept that tradition going. People see me in one way and I see myself in another.

It’s another year where I am a mixture of both and that’s not a bad place to be.

Hopefully things get a little easier next year and things change for the better or for worse and which is which, it’s up to you.

Either way, I am making progress. I am being human. I am being me and I don’t care that people get upset at me if they perceive me in a different light than what I think I see myself.

It’s always been a tough battle that I’ve had with myself and with other people. Some people take more offense to it than others do.

It’s all about comfort, right? I’m getting more and more comfortable in situation that I normally wouldn’t be comfortable in.

Sure, sometimes I have liquid courage to calm my nerves…fuck it, most of the time I do, but things are getting better.

I see the upward trend of this. I know it. I see it.

That’s progress. That’s all that matters.

* * *

2017

Relationships and People.

Look above.

When it comes of being in a relationship, it’s been another year of Riding Solo.

I still have the issue of not being able to see a situation where I’m able to get my freedom that I so need and am use to and being in a relationship.

Everyone says that it’ll be different if I meet the right person and I’m sure it’ll be. Compromise. I understand it. Whether I can actually do it, is the more important questions.

Another part of it is that I’m I really don’t want to be in a relationship.

I think I’m like most guys or maybe I’m the exception, I just want the benefits of a relationship without actually having one. I don’t need company, for the sake of company. Sex, kissing, the physical stuff? That’s all I want.

I have a horrible track record of being in a relationships and the reason is listed above.

Every year, I realize this and every year I wish it would change and sometimes I think it is just time to be okay with it.

I know that deep inside I’m okay with this, hence me living my life the way that I am now, but there’s still a part of me that wonders could it be different? Could it be better?

Maybe 2018 will be different.

Who knows?

It seems to be shaping up to be that way. I noticed girls that I normally wouldn’t talk to because I never had to, being chatty with me and there were a few that I developed a flirtatious rapport with.

So strange.

Overall, those come and go, and those happen often enough that I’ll get my little crushes and then I just freeze and not do anything.

Sometimes, the situation is out of my control. They’ll either have a boyfriend or I just can’t fucking read the situation and other times they are young and my coworkers. Do I really want to go there?

Do I?

Sometimes it works. It happens. It’s nature. That’s where many people meet their significant others.

I don’t know. I’m always in my head and I’m sure I’m over thinking a lot of it.

We shall see.

2018, show me what you got.

I think most people who know me or know of me understand the kind of person I am and my abrasive behavior and attitude. It’s just me and my quirk.

I know it rubs many people the wrong way and some may not handle it as well as others and I’m okay with that.

Thankfully, I don’t think I really pissed anyone off or angered anyone. That’s a plus in my book. There were no major falling outs but just normal out-of-sight-out-of-mind type thing.

It happens and I’m horrible with keeping in touch. Relationships and friendships just fade into the ether and I am okay with it. I’m sure occasionally things will realign and I’ll meet with these friends again and the cycle will continue. Fade and gone, then it’ll come back full circle.

It’s the way of life. It’s how I am with most people, including friends.

People in general get on my nerves. Not all people, but most people in general. I just have no patience with them especially stupid people.

I know I need to work on that, but it’s so trying. I have no patience.

Patience is a virtue that I don’t have. It’s my hamartia and something I try to work on on a daily basis and it all has to do with people.

I guess my frustration is that I don’t understand things, that frustrates me, and this year had its many instances.

Something to work on.

For the most part, I’m interacting with more and more people and there were times when my relationship with some would change. When our status quo would just be glares or just basic formalities turn into something of chatty friendliness.

I find it fascinating.

People, they both fascinate and frustrate me at the same time.

I hope that I learn to be better and have more patience for the general public.

I fucking hope I do, ’cause this year has been trying.

* * *

Travel.

Wanderlusting where my feet can take me.

Looking back, I didn’t do as much traveling as I normally would. I would like this to 2015, where I didn’t do much traveling.

Actually, I think I traveled more for work than on personal trips, or they were on par, but each trip that I took was memorable for their own reasons.

I started late in my travels this year. It was during my special weekend, but that was a twofer.

Opted to go to Carlsbad Caverns National Park for a little getaway. It was about a 13-hour drive or so and debated if I should drive or if I should fly. I opted to fly and rent a car.

It was convenient. I didn’t have to take an extra day off for the drive and had enough time to play. The trip was all right up until Roswell and me finding Chutney. The rest as they say was history.

But it was also my first company trip too. NYC.

I know that I’d been asked to do many photoshoots around the agency from time to time for different projects and such. It’s because BHVA was busy with everything that they had to do and so they needed another photographer or since it was internal, the PMs didn’t want to be billed by BHVA for internal projects.

This time was a big one for an official client. The NY Auto show was happening the day after I was supposed to fly back from El Paso and they wanted me there to shoot the Acura TLX launch.

I flew out on the company’s dime, stayed at a hotel a block from Time Square and it was amazing. I was so naive at that time, not knowing exactly what was going to happen later in my life.

I went in, did my work, walked around the city, enjoyed my free extended special weekend vacation and then flew back home the next day. It was pretty amazing.

Because of where the launch happened and how the cars were setup, I didn’t get many of the necessary shots that I needed because of the tight space, no matter how much I looked at the angle studies.

But, it was done and I worked and got it done.

The next trip was another work trip to Baltimore to photograph the first Civic Type R for the auction. It was another quick and easy trip and I got all of the shots that I needed because there was a little more control of where I set up the car.

I do have to say that it was amazing to see my photos on the web with my name for photo credit.

Baltimore was kind of chill in itself. I explored a little, but wouldn’t mind exploring a little more. It was one of those trips where I just chilled by myself and actually met someone at the bar and we chatted.

Life. It’s funny that way. When you least expect it, you actually socialize. Ha, I guess The Iranian was right, I am social. Not really.

The last work trip was for Miami for the Drive event at the Homestead Race Track. Again, it was another work trip because they needed another photographer, so I went out with the main BHVA photographer.

It was pretty cool watching and seeing so many Type Rs racing. I wished I could have driven one of them. Man, but I can’t complain. They sent me out to South Beach, stayed in a fancy resort on the company’s dime.

I can’t complain at all. I think I wrote about all of these trips on this here void of mine.

I don’t know what the New Year will bring. I don’t know if they’ll ask me again to do another shoot. If I do, great. If I don’t, great. I can’t expect too much. I can’t be greedy. I appreciative for the chances that I had.

My next personal trip wasn’t until the Fourth of July weekend. It was the demarcation of the shit show that was the first half of the year and all that stress ending and the shit show that is the second half of the year. Looking back, it was definitely a much-needed meditative excursion to nature.

I flew out to Denver and met my bro and we went to the Rockies for some hiking. It didn’t start out well as I forgot my camera bag in one of the cars we looked at, so we missed the Stanley Hotel Ghost Tour, but I think that was for a good reason. I was so fucking tired anyway with all the drinking I did the night before at an impromptu happy hour with the HRM team.

I turned over my SharePoint list for them and all of my other SharePoint projects that I had at that time. Funny how all of them finished around the same time. Relish seemed to be in a good place and was mending well. I had dropped her off at ASEC for that long weekend for a checkup and when I got back, she came home with me for the last time. No more dropping off. It was great. It was amazing.

Things seemed to be looking up after that at home.

The next and last trip of the year (besides this trip home for Christmas) was the amazing two-week extravaganza to Italy. Simply amazing and it was a good break from everything that I was going through with SharePoint and the frustration of it taking so long.

In the end, amazing trip, and I guess things are in a really good place with the transition and everything.

Travels. Wanderlusting.

I wonder what 2018 have in store for me. I know I’ll have a lot of vacation days and I just need to know where to go. I already know that there’s no big family trip planned, but maybe something smaller like what we did in the Rockies?

I’ll most likely drive home again with Pickles too.

It wasn’t a family friendly year, or I thought it was but didn’t turn out to be.

A thought came to me this morning. It seems that years that I grow out my hair turns out to be non-family-friendly years. Funny how that works out.

I’m already thinking about my special weekend trip and let’s hope that comes to fruition. I’ll keep all my options open, but I need more travels in my life.

Here’s to 2018 and more travel adventures.

Bring it.

* * *

Work. Werk.

Besides the cat, work had been the biggest stressor in my life.

I had frustrations big and small.

Again, 2017 was a shit show, not just in the world, but in my life and mainly it was about work.

I think the biggest one was, is, and forever will be this SharePoint migration. I’ve been living and breathing it for the majority of the year.

But looking back, I do have to say that I had a lot of help in getting a lot of the main components in place with the vendor who’s helping develop the Dash and everything but most of the bones and development is all mine.

It’s all of my work front and center. I made many of the big decisions on how things work, especially in the first half when I was directionless.

As the project ramped up and got bigger, other project managers got involved, but throughout my tenure here at RPA, this was the first real big project that I PMed for.

There’s a sense of accomplishment to see how things are working and people using it and making use of certain things that I’ve developed and that it helps them do their work.

Little success in the mass of madness.

Here’s to the little successes.

Now, the project isn’t over. Far from it, as I have a little more clear direction of how things should be.

I think the biggest sticking point was when it came to the bigger picture; I had anxiety over making the big decisions. I am not a part of the company workflow nor do I have any understanding of how the company works. It was difficult for me to figure out or know what was the best decision on how to build, make, and do things when I have no clear concept to build from.

I hated that power, ’cause ultimately, I didn’t want to fuck up. I didn’t want that responsibility, ’cause it shouldn’t be mine. I’m not a decision maker when it comes to agency workflow.

I’m just a lowly peon, and I’m way OK with that.

But as the year is closing and I’m finishing up the migrations to start the new year and doing some final housekeeping, I see some light at the end of all of this.

The Dash should be launching soon and when everyone gets back to work, most everyone should be using SharePoint and Teams.

The next step is training and maintaining and it’s good to know that I have help in all of that.

2018, be kinder? I don’t want so much responsibility. It doesn’t do my liver good as I drink to de-stress.

Ultimately, joking aside, this was the toughest year at work and in the end, seeing what I built to help the new team that came onboard in February and seeing how that little small project started a snowball was a little rewarding.

My work getting recognize and started this.

It’s not perfect. MS and SharePoint have its flaws and some of it is not entirely their fault and some of them are ours, but sigh, we’ll figure something out.

I’ll figure something out.

Let’s hope.

2018, in a way, I’m afraid to ask what is next. What do you have for me?

Be nice.

* * *

Day 4.

This is my fourth day writing this. I’ve only managed to stay an hour a day to write and jot down my thoughts before I head back home to work on agency stuff.

Hopefully I can wrap this up today or tomorrow. I guess we shall see.

Let’s roll on.

* * *

Projects.

I didn’t have many projects this year. I didn’t set out to do any.

My only project this year was the cooking project, which I finished. Even this year’s project was a little lack luster. I didn’t impose any rules nor did I get creative with it in needing to create things that I never made before.

As long as the food was different from what I normally did, I was golden.

There were no other projects. No photography. No writing.

I did manage to write many many posts on this here void of mine. Random. Listless. Insignificant.

I needed to do something while I’m out-and-about doing my regular routine.

Maybe next year will be a little bit different.

I have rolls and rolls of expired film that I want to shoot and develop. It’ll help me get back to the basics of photography, slow down, take my time with things. Let’s see how that goes.

I want to get back into writing again. I just don’t know what to write. Prose? Short stories? Scripts?

No idea, but I want to work my brain again. Be creative.

Maybe with all the stress that I was dealing with, I didn’t have the capacity to do any of that. Who knows?

Reading.

I didn’t read that much this year. Sure, I listened to many books, but not as much as I normally would.

I think I physically read no more than three or four books this year, whereas other years will be close to ten.

Maybe I’m getting old and when I go to bed, I just want to go to sleep.

Or maybe I need to change my routine, instead of going to bed and reading my tablet, looking at memes and reading up on the daily news, I should go back to reading.

I don’t know.

It’s a process; it’s a thing, something that I’ll touch upon below.

Projects.

Let’s keep me busy the next year. Help me create, get my creative juices going. I sorely miss it.

Bring it.

* * *

FOMO.

The pressure. So much pressure.

I generally don’t have a FOMO (Fear of Missing out), or the regular sense of the word used by millennials today. I don’t care about missing out on what’s happening in the latest party or the latest craze, being bombarded by so many invites to all the things and I have to choose which one to go to all the while constantly thinking the thing that I’m missing out on is better than what I was doing at that moment.

NO. Never had that problem. I don’t get invited to much of anything besides the usual happy hour, so nothing to miss out on.

No, my FOMO is more about all of the media content that is out there. There are just so many things to watch. So many shows and movies to be on top of and they constantly come out.

I remember when I would be on top of everything, watching everything with full attention, and now, I’m like whatever.

I’m at a point where I have so many choices of content that I don’t know what to watch next, so I just don’t watch anything.

First world problems, I know.

I guess that’s probably another reason why I’m not reading much too. The content and also, the pressure of meeting some imaginary number of things to read in the upcoming year, the pressure gets to you.

I don’t have much happening in my life, so I need to create drama somewhere that is outside of work.

Pathetic, I know, but it’s the little things in my life.

I’m so behind on all of the podcasts that I follow. There are just so many hours in the day. I guess I could listen to them during work, but then again, I generally would like to focus on the podcasts and I can’t do while I do work.

So, maybe, here’s hoping, that I remove these pressures from myself in the upcoming year. I’ll get to whatever audiobook I’m listening to when I listen to it. I don’t have to read a certain quota or watch everything to be a part of the media zeitgeist.

I’ll catch up on my podcasts when I need a break from the books. I’ll read books when I need a break from my shows.

I have control over the consumption. If I miss something, then it really isn’t that important to me. Let it go.

Remove the excess.

Focus. Be minimal.

Whittle things down.

I don’t need to watch everything.

I don’t need to read everything.

I find myself bored with the shows that I’m watching, but I watch hoping that it’ll get better. Now, I just throw it on the background while I surf the internet.

Netflix DVDs sit on my coffee table for weeks or months before I get around to watching it.

Maybe I’ll the antsy-ness is more about needing to do something active rather than be passive and watch content.

Create content. Maybe your my life was lacking the creativity that was normally filled with my photography and my creative writing.

Maybe that’s it. I need to get these creative juices going.

Who knows?

But come the New Year, let’s aim to just chill, relax, and find my own schedule. No need to be on top of everything.

Be in control.

Believe me, I won’t be missing out on much of anything.

Not much at all.

2018, let’s relax a little bit more, okay?

Let’s switch things up a little bit. I’m going to take back control, just a little bit.

* * *

Furkids.

They’ve been through a lot this year. Like mine, their year have been pretty shitty too, especially Relish’s.

I made the mistake of taking in a stray into my little small comfortable brood and it turned into a disaster. Relish could have died and it was all my fault.

She’s back to normal and fought like hell to get back to normal. She’s a feisty one and I am grateful to all the vets and ASEC for fixing her.

I try to do a good thing and it backfired, but ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, everything worked out.

Chutney found a good home.

I knew it was a mistake, but I went through with it anyway.

I knew that Pickles wasn’t happy about Chutney either and Pickles is generally cool with most other dogs. Man, I so wished things worked out. I so wished that things worked out, but I guess the Universe had other plans for me or know that it was too much for me to handle.

I do wish it picked a more subtle way of letting me know. I already decided that he wasn’t a good fit, but it’s done.

Things progressed and now we are back to three.

It’ll just be us.

Relish is back to her normal bitchy self and Pickles is older.

I can see it in his face and how he takes his time sitting own. He still loves his walks and I feel that I’ve been neglecting him for the past couple of years. I haven’t taken him on as many adventures as I should.

Hopefully I can rectify that. I’ll make an effort to get the fuck out of the house and just go play with him. Go explore like how we use to do.

He’s getting older and will only get older and things will be tougher for him.

There’s no need for me to keep my usual weekend routine. Shake it up.

I know I’m a creature of comfort, but sometimes comfort and routine change for the better.

I don’t see why it can’t for us.

I know I won’t have many more years left with him and my heart will shatter. We all have a limited time together. Let’s make the best of it before it’s too late.

More A Boy and His Dog trips. Small. Big. I don’t care. Just more.

He’s my kid, my sidekick, and my soul mate.

He’s one of my saviors and I should treat him like one.

2018.

Let’s live it up. The two of us.

Pickles and me.

* * *

2017

It’s been a year.

It’s been a very trying year with work and life at home.

It’s a growing year. I learned a lot about myself this year. It’s usually when you are pushed to your limits you learn, grow, and adapt to keep your sanity.

I see the ugliness of some of my habits and the strength and resolve that I have to overcome some of my obstacles.

2017.

It was a year that pushed me to my emotional limits.

I know I’m a stubborn fucking asshole that has a chip on his shoulder. I’m so independent and I’m so alone so often that I think I have to do everything myself.

It’s one of the biggest lessons that I learned growing up. I have to manage everything on my own. I have to do everything on my own and I know that I don’t. I know and understand that I don’t have to.

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned this year and one of the most humble things I did was to ask for help.

I’m not the type of person that would ask for help, for most of anything. If it is something that I can handle and do on my own, for the most part I will do.

When it comes to work things, I’ll reevaluate and then delegate, but when it comes to my personal life, it’s all me.

It’s my responsibility and I don’t want to burden other people with my problems.

But I guess it pushed me to my limits and I needed help and I asked. I asked the void and my friends to help me find a home for Chutney.

That was big. That was huge.

Growth. Learning.

That’s what life is all about, right? That’s what this little thing of mine is about right? To figure out what I’ve learned about myself this year. To see growth. To reflect and see how far I’ve come and to see how much I’ve changed?

Growth.

If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing.

I learned to reach out and ask for help.

I know coworkers and friends have reached out and asked for help. Maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid to take them up on their offer. Maybe I shouldn’t be scared to dump my shit on them and have them give me a hand.

I know that if a friend asked me for help, I would drop most everything and do what I can to help. Why do I think that my friends won’t do the same if I need help?

They did. They spread the word and helped the best that they can.

I’m not alone in this world.

There are good people in the world. I see that and hopefully, in the future, I’ll be able to do the same and ask for help when I really need it.

Life lessons.

It’s okay to ask for help.

2018.

* * *

2017.

The Year of Tough Love.

Saying it was a tough year is an understatement.

It was a trying year that tested my mettle. It was a year of unfortunate events, but it was also a year that I felt more comfortable with me being who I am.

It was a year that I notice a need to change things up in my life.

It was a year that I realize that I’m not alone.

It was unlike any other year. I lived on my own terms and stuck to my convictions.

It was a year full of travels and memories and a year of new friends and different experiences.

It was also a year that I saved not one, but two lives. I would like to believe that I saved Chutney’s life, and with the help of the vets at ASEC, I saved Relish’s.

I sure as hell don’t want to have that happen again though, so let’s hope that will be the last of it. It goes to show that when I feel guilty and its someone or something I love, no amount of money matters. Their life is far important.

2017.

It was a year of me, another Year of Phong, but I can see a need for change.

Maybe this whole hair journey will mark a time when the change will come.

This might be the last time that I’ll ever grow my hair out and donate it. I tell myself that I’m almost 40 and that I want to start 40 fresh and give adulting a try.

What does that entail?

I have a little over a year before I hit that big 40. What will happen?

I’ll will most likely go on the same way as I am now, doing my little party of ones and going with the flow, but I think I should have a more open mind and just do things on a whim and not be so strict in my little routine.

Life is about change and a little change isn’t going to kill me.

I’m sure 2018 will be no different from any other year, but I do hope that I learn more about myself and grow a little more.

So, with this, I bid 2017 adieu.

You’ve been a shitty year, but I survived and I’m a lot stronger than when I started out. I learned many important lessons throughout the year and I think I came out better for it.

For that, I thank you 2017, but I definitely won’t miss you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

2017.

Bye.

2018.

Bring it.