Happy New Year.

I guess my strive for change keeps going.

Instead of writing in my usual, Volcano, I switched it up today and came to Coffee Tomo.

Why?

Because it was open.

It’s a long story.

My fear and anxiety of the whole floor remodel of my apartment came true. They weren’t even close to being finished.

There’s no cover over the cement floor. All my stuff stacked up in the bathroom and kitchen, exposing the open floor so they can get to work.

Most of the carpet was stripped, leaving a small patch where my dresser is in the closet.

It’s a mess and I don’t know when they’ll be finished.

Instead of doing my usual weekend routine of grocery shopping and coming back and watching youtube or what I thought I’d do this morning, which was reorganizing back to where they belong, I opted to just leave the house early.

It’s really not suitable to just chill there.

I called the Bob asking for an ETA and I have to call the vet tomorrow to extend my furkids stay.

So, 2018.

It’s going. It’s going and I have to be okay with it.

I have no control over the situation and I have to make the best of it.

I guess it’s a way to get me out of the house and it’s working.

I wanted to get out of the house more and do things and switch up my routine and it is happening.

Now, whether Coffee Tomo would be my new regular, that’s a stretch, but it’s an option.

Options are good.

It’s good to switch things up from time to time.

Be different.

Uproot routine.

* * *

A part of me seethes over the situation, but a large part of me is okay with it.

It was expected. My anxiety told me so.

Normally I would take a picture and IG it and be like…blah blah blah blah;

I’m still tempted to do it, but I think maybe not so much this time.

New Year.

Let’s do things different. Let’s be like The Last Jedi and subvert expectations.

Change requires a conscious effort. I know my routines. I know myself.

So, let’s be conscious of all the choices that I have and not act like I normally would. Slow down, weigh all of my choices and choose accordingly to how I feel and what makes sense to move myself to be a better person.

Let’s see how long this will last.

How long will I make a conscious effort to subvert my own expecations and my own nature for growth?

It’s a new year.

I already know that there’s a change coming. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a change in store for me.

I might as well help it along.

Just a little push to get things going.

* * *

Change.

It’s been on my mind lately. It’s been on my mind for a few years now.

I’ve always told myself that this would be the last time that I’ll grow my hair out and donate it.

I wouldn’t do it again for the foreseeable future.

Why?

It’s because I’ll be 40 soon. I know, I’m only 38 and in four months I’ll be 39.

I told myself that when I hit 40, I’ll give adulting a try.

I’ve been telling myself that for the past year or so, or however long I have been growing out my hair.

40.

Change.

Adulting.

What does that entail?

I know the last time that I had this feeling, this pressure to be an adult, to grow up, settle down. I remember that time.

I had a break down.

I had my mid-life-crisis. The MLC.

Will it be the same?

Will I be putting the same pressures on myself that I did years before? Will it fuck me up the same way that it did before or am I fixed enough, or even mature enough to handle it now?

I don’t know.

I guess in a way, I’m almost 39 and I still don’t fucking know what I want out of life.

All I know is that I love my life and I enjoy my life.

Again, sure, I bitch a lot and I know I take a lot of things for granted, but hot damn, my life is good.

I’m so fortunate compared to so many other people in the world.

So. Fucking. Fortunate.

Be more grateful.

Be more compassionate.

Stop being so quick to judge.

Hahha, that fucking judgmental asshole. I don’t know how, why, and when it became so prominent in my life, but I know it’s there and I don’t like it.

So, I’m giving myself 16 months to get me into adulting shape.

No fucking clue what that is, but let’s be nicer to myself and work out a little bit more.

I can feel my muscles atrophy.

Change.

It’s a lot of work. It’s scary, especially when you have no goals or an end point to strive for. When will you know you’ll be done with the change?

I guess that’s the thing with the type of change I’m talking about and want. There is no end.

It’s a constant need to grow and be a better person, a good person, a more desirable person.

Change.

It’s coming and so far, I’m getting a little push to make the change.

I think I’ll need all the help that I can get.

* * *

Here I am, back at Volcano.

I came back before it opened.

Small little baby steps.

I like the idea of life forcing me to change and make these little adjustments, but I also like the choice of making these choices too.

We shall see.

I think I’m done for today.

Keeping it short since I’ve been rambling on and on on here for a few days straight.

Let’s save some for next weekend.

2018.

It’s a weird start that’s testing my patience and I can overcome this.

2018.

It’s bringing it.