…..was a good, yet bad experience for me.

It was good because I had fun, and I was drunk and shit faced. She introduced me, as a drunken slob, to her fiends and family. From what she tells me, they all like me. I was talking and chatting because it was mostly old people there, so there wasn’t pressure for me to impress and socialize with people my age. It was very laid back. I’ve enjoyed myself..for the most part.

Now the bad. The liquor. I had a wee bit too much to drink. I was mixing my hard alcohol, and it turned out to be a bad thing. To much Covassieur (spelling) and vodka, and whiskey. I had enough to be good for the rest of the night. If I continued drinking water, I would have been fine. But then, there were shots. I can never turn down a shot or two or even three. I had three shots of tequila in a span of 4 minutes. I think that was what put me over.

The next thing, I was in the bathroom puking, and cleaning up the bathroom and my pants. Duwi’s friends were a little worried because I locked myself in the bathroom. So I came out, pants with puke on them, sat down on the futon. Her friends put me to sleep. That was around midnight. The party went on for another 3 hours.

I feel so bad. I dirtied their little bath mat, two of them actually. I dirtied their bathroom. I was so sorry. Oh man, I just lost control.

I have a tendency to do that when I’m around alcohol. I don’t know why. I just need to learn how to pace myself I guess.

Duwi, my surrogate mother down here, she said she was worried about me. She was the host of the party, and when I was sleeping, she didn’t know where I was. I think her friends told her what happened and where I was.

Apparently, around 2:00 am, she came in to check on me. I guess I was sleeping in a awkward position so she came and adjusted me, to make me comfortable. As she was doing it, she said I was saying sorry sorry sorry to her. Honest to god, I don’t remember that.

I have never passed out from alcohol before. I never have. That was my first time.

I think I went into the party with a alterior motive. I think I knew I was going to get shit faced and drunk. I didn’t have to drive, and my ride left, so I was going to spend the night anyway.

A part of me, deep down inside, wanted to get drunk and shitface. I wanted to be numb. Ever since my dad passed away, around that time, this is something that I really really wanted to do. I never got a chance. I didn’t want to do it up there with my mom there. She didn’t know I drink at that time. I just wanted to numb myself. Then when I got back down here, no opportunities presented itself. I had one, but I had to drive home so I couldn’t drink much.

I did it Saturday night. Was it worth it? No. I still feel the same way. It’s not going to go away, and no amount of drowning my sorrows in alcohol is going to change that. When I woke up that morning, at my friends house; a friend who I’ve only known for three months, and who is so hospitable, I just felt really sorry for what I did. I thought about my dad, and why was I being so stupid and drinking myself into a drunken stupor. I cried. Oh foolish foolish little ol’ me.

Then Duwi came, and we just started to talk. We talked about many things that monring, and many things that day. About work, life, girls, so on and so forth.

I honestly have to say, I haven’t connected with a person that fast before, but I am noticing that I am doing it quite al lot with many people at work. Maybe I’m just getting more social, or maybe it is just my confidence building up. All I know is that I’ve changed.

I just wonder, are things going to continue to change or has they stop?

In the next couple of weeks, I will be going home once again. I’m just going home for the weekend, nothing more and nothing less.

My mom wants me back for a thing for my father, and I really needed a break from some things down here.

So I’m flying back.

I never thought I would go back so soon. I always thought that I would go back around Christmas time. But I guess things change, plans change.

How do I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I get back there. All I know now is that I need it. I want to see family again, see the kids, hang out and catch up with everyone.

Play some golf. It is the only time I ever play.

I think things might be a little tough for me when I get up there. Going to have those feelings of abandoning my family again. My mom has been laying the guilt trip on me nice and heavy. As many of you may know, she wants me back. She doesn’t feel comfortable with me down here alone. I don’t think many mothers do. She just doesn’t understand that I like it down here, and I like it alone. I’m a weird one, what can I say.

Kate and I were talking about this the other day. I didn’t know I am still so emotional about it. I almost lost it in front of her, but I gathered myself up. I lost it in the bathroom a few minutes later. I couldn’t believe it. It has been a few weeks since the last time. I guess I’m still not over it yet. Well grant it that it has been less than 100 days since my father passed away. I guess that is okay.

I’ll be flying up there on the night of the 14th of August. I’m flying back Monday afternoon.

Well I am going to a party tomorrow night. It is Duwi’s party. She’s an “ol’ hen” from work. Not that old, mid 30s I would say. She’s the one that I have the sibling type relationship with. It is her boyfriend’s belated birthday party. She’s been telling me about it for the past couple weeks, and she is very insistent that I go. Joe, another guy from work, is going also. Duwi is having him pick me up, so I don’t have to drive home drunk. She wants me to get drunk and shit faced so I would dance. Not a good idea, cause I’ll probably just laugh my ass off. I get that way when I’m drunk

She is worried that I will not show up. Her boyfriend really wants to meet me because she’s been telling him all about her “chinese boy toy” from work. She thinks that we’ll get along, talking shit about her. It should be fun, I hope.

Some family is coming down to visit during that week that I am to leave for Washington. They are planning on visiting me and going to Disneyland. I hope they make it before I leave. I’ll be taking a day off when they get down here for the Disneyland trip. If I have a good reason to ditch work, I am going to use it. This is a good reason.

Writing seems to be getting harder for me. Keeping this journal seems to be getting tougher. I guess it is more about the content I want to put in here. Ever since I started to post private entries, they just seem more interesting. There are many things I want to write, it is just that using just pronouns and no proper names can get tedious and confusing. So I might just start writing everything out in private entries. Little things, special things that just made my day and I wouldn’t have to use pronouns to confuse myself.

I’ll try to keep up with the public entries from time to time. I hope.

Well it seems that I’ve been being private or semi private for the past few days.

I’ve been wirting private entries in my journal lately. Some of them are viewable to my friends on live journal, but there are some that are private.

It’s not that I’m trying to keep secrets from anyone, it is just that there are things that I don’t wish certain people to see. Some of them have to deal with my feelings and other things that is happening in my life, but it really isn’t anything I wouldn’t share. I just sort of did it to protect my ass I guess.

Looking through some of the journals that are posted here, many of them are private journals or semi private journals. I never personally thought I would write a private or even a semi private entry, but I guess there is a first for everything.

I use to keep a journal, written out by hand. It contained a lot more personal stuff than anything I have ever put in here, well except for some of the earlier entries. But I stopped a while ago. I got bored, and it was mostly depressing stuff. It was a mixture of feelings along with what has been happening in my day, and I have to say, when you live a boring life that I live, there really isn’t much to write about and it doesn’t make an interesting read.

The things I usually post here aren’t really about what is happening in my life. No daily entries of me sitting at my desk, doing my work, working working working. That would be boring, and I know now that I am writing to an audience, so I just write about my thoughts and my feelings, or whatever that is interesting to me.

Sometimes I would like to think that my family is reading it, and I would just like to let them know that I am okay.

Anywho, it’s been a really really long and tiring and emotional week for me. I think I’ll just end it here.

Good pictures are hard to come by. You could take roll after roll after roll and there would be no good pictures, especially if you are going for artistic picture. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and there might be two or three good ones to a roll or a batch of pictures you’ve taken. I’ve taken hundreds of pictures in my life time this past year. Out of the hundreds of pictures, I think there are about 10 at most that turned out great. Here are few of them.

Serious (August 2002)

Lonely Blue (July 2003)

The Conversation (October 2002)

Grant it that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; these are pleasing to me. I like them. They are some of my bests. Many will probably look at these and think, “Hey, no big deal.” But to me, they are. Like I’ve said before, I don’t like to waste film, but I’ve wasted many in my life time.

A little info about each picture.

Serious:
This was taken in Fresno in August 2002. It is a picture of my cousins Kent (center) and Michael (right). I didn’t really plan this picture. I just took it in an effort to waste film so I can go ahead and get the roll developed. Surprisingly most good pictures come out that way.

Lonely Blue:
Well, the flower was blue when I took it. Just a tad blue. It was taken last weekend up in the Santa Monica Mountains. The picture was scanned from the original slide and then color corrected in photoshop. There wasn’t much doctoring to this picture, I swear. I just brought the green out a little bit more to look like the slide.

Why was it on a slide instead of a print? It was part of the roll that I used when I did my photography homework. I took about 16 pictures that dealt with “action” pictures for my homework and then decided to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway at a friends suggestion hoping to find a nice quiet place to pretty pictures of the ocean. Kevin said it is a great and beautiful ride. He never told me about the traffic. I would have to say that if the traffic wasn’t so bad, the drive would have been great. So I never really found a good place to take pictures of the ocean. I got some pictures, but they don’t scan well, and they really don’t look pretty.

So I drove up the PCH for about two and a half hours and I decided to turn back. I turned off a road and wanted to see where it lead. I drove up to the Santa Monica Mountains. There were some hiking trails. I didn’t go too far. I had sandals on, and besides there was a sign that said it was “mountain lion country.” So I decided to stay close to my car. There was a little garden that belong to a residence. I snapped the picture.

The Conversation
Or Ketchup Having Conversation with Glass as Stephanie so aptly named. It was taken from her digital camera last October. We were at lunch at a restaurant. It was Danielle’s last day and Stephanie, Monica and I decided to take her out. The girls were talking about something, and I was busy playing with the camera. Guys and electronic toys. They go hand in hand. The picture turned out as I saw it. I’m glad. This was my computer wall paper for a while. It’s interesting.

Well they are interesting and good looking to me. I’m just a amateur, that is why I’m taking a photography class. And besides, like I said, most good pictures by amateurs are taken by luck anyway. It just so happens you are at a certain place where the conditions just happen to be perfect to take a great photo.

Here is a photo taken by my friend Ella Spink.

July 2002

I didn’t give it a title, because it is not my picture. It was taken over the July 4th weekend of last year up in Tacoma, Washington. We were at the Glass Museum the day before it opened to the public. It was sunset. We were walking up the stairs and saw this beautiful sky. Great time to take a picture, and she did. She’s the one who got me into photography. Now, I am sure that the sky wasn’t that blue when the picture was taken. She must have been using a filter or a slow film to get the blue that color. Ms. Spink, do you remember if you were using a filter or what speed film you were using? This picture was scanned from a print.

Now, let me talk about the print itself. The print is just magnificent. The richness in color and just the absolute look of the print is better than any type of print I’ve ever seen. The print are very professional looking. She got it developed at Kits Camera. I would have to say they beat any drug store or Costco developing any day. I’m trying to find a cheap place that develops print that way. I found a place but it costs about $13.00 to develop a roll. It might be worth it. There are some other places around that have a color lab, but I don’t know the prices.

I plan on doing a hiking trip by myself one of these weekends. I plan on taking a couple of rolls of pictures to try out my new lenses and also it gets me out of the house. I’ll probably take my film there to develop. Hopefully they come out good.

Now the first day of photography class, my professor says that most pictures turn out ugly because it matters where you develop your film. These drug store places aren’t that great. Take them to a place with a color processing lab. Your pictures will turn out 80% better. Also it matters about the type of film you use. So far in class, we’ve been using Fuji brand.

Now, I got a new scanner. I bought a new scanner fundamentally for this reason. To scan pictures. This scanner has the ability to scan slides and negatives. That is the main reason why I bought a scanner in the first place, to scan the negatives. It is much better to scan from a negative than print.

Most film scanners are expensive, a couple hundred dollars. My scanner, the CANOSCAN D125OU2F is a flat bed scanner with a slide and film adapter. For some negatives and slides it works well without any color correction. But for most of the time, there needs to be some minor corrections. I bought it from ebay for $69.95. Of course, I did research before I bought the scanner. Most professionals gave it a great review for scanning film and slides, but a bad review for scanning anything else. So I got hooked and bought it.

The following pictures were scanned from the negatives without color corrections.

Water Fight (July 2003)

Sparks (July 2003)

Reaching for Water (October 2002)

Water Fight
This was taken on July 4th, 2003 after the bbq in Fresno. The kids, Amy and Kent, were having a little water fight in their mini pool.

Sparks
This is one of the firework photographs that I took of the really really boring fireworks show at my cousins’ backyard. The photo turned out great, but the fireworks sucked.

Reaching for Water
This was taken during my trip up to Washington for my grandmother’s memorial. I wasn’t ready for the picture, but it appears that the little ones were. I was busy reaching for a bottle of water.

This next picture of family was scanned from the color negatives with minor color corrections.

Cousins (October 2002)
Top: Van (or Eric) Bottom (Left to Right): Maggie, Dat, Me, Hien, and Loretta

Cousins (Print October 2002)

Cousins
This was taken at my grandmother’s memorial dinner. This was taken before the dinner. Maggie, Dat and Loretta are siblings and they are my second cousins. Van is an only child and is my second cousin and the siblings first cousin. Hien is my brother.

When originally scanned, the picture came out really really dark. I’ve lightened it up and corrected the coloring. There is a greenish/yellowish tint on the print of the picture because of the fluorescent lighting in the restaurant. Fluorescent lighting makes your picture greenish. I’ve color corrected the greenish tint and the underexposure of the scanning to make the picture better.

The bottom picture is a scan of the print. You can see that it is really dark and a greenish tint everywhere. The difference between the negative and the print is like night and day. There is also a sharper picture from the negative along with vibrant colors.

Now Ms. Spink, besides sharing pictures with everyone, I also did this to show you how the scanner worked. How do you like them? After a couple of days of working with the scanner, I believe this to be a great investment for me. Especially at such a low price.

Now, the pictures I’ve posted up. Some may not be here for much longer. As I take more and more pictures, I’m bound to get some I would like to share or some that will help illustrate my entries. I only have a limited amount of space (2mb) on AOL. So as I get more pictures, I would have to delete some of these pictures from the server. Until I find a place where I could upload more, some will have to go. Enjoy them while you can.

I really don’t have much to say. I just want to write, but not write creatively. I think I’ll just try to clear my mind of some things and ramble for a bit.

Lately, I’ve been giving some advice to some of my cousins. One in particular. He’s having girl problems, and he’s just running some things pass me. Now I would like to think I give good advice, cause most of the time I do. I just go by common sense and my gut feeling, that is sound enough for me to follow. But should you really take my advice, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart? When it comes to love or relationships?

First off when it comes to love and girls, common sense doesn’t work. Girls are incomprehensible beings. Second off, should I really be the one to come to with this kind of stuff? Look at my track record. No relationship and multiple broken/shattered hearts. No, I don’t think I’m the right guy to go to. But the advice I give does sound good. It is advice I should actually take myself. But when have anyone ever taken their own advice. Not ever.

So I’m givng him some sound advice. Whether he’s going to follow it or not, I’m not sure. But here’s to hoping it works out good for him. If it backfires, oh, what fun will that be. Sometimes I notice my advice to be a little malicious at times. What can I say, I’m a bitter bitter old man. He want to fuck with his ex’s mind, I told him he shouldn’t, but I’m urging him on. He should do it. Fuck with her mind. It’s like a experiment folks. I nudge him a little here and a little there and then he’s off. I just sit back and wait for the results. We’ll see how things go. It brings a little excitement in my life. I think I’m just going to live vicariously through other people for the time being.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my grandmother. I really miss her. I loved her so much. She always seem to manage to put a smile on my face. I can’t believe that I forgot to put her on my list of things that made me happy.

She raised me, she watched me grow up. She’s a joker, yes she is. When times were tough, especially in highschool, she can always put a smile on my face. We would thumb wrestle and I would always joke around with her. She’s the sweetest.

Her last couple years were tough on her, on the family, and me especially. I knew it was time for her to go, but I didn’t want to let go. Even when she says things like it’s time for her to go, or that she wants to go, I’ll always tell her not to say things like that. I never wanted her to go anywhere.

The last two or three years of her life were spent in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. Seeing the way she was when she was in the hospital, hanging between the lines was really tough on me. I couldn’t keep myself together. I will go visit her anytime I get. I’ll sit with her, talk with her, try to get her to eat. Even then, she will be joking with me, with us.

I still remember one night back in highschool, I heard my grandmother get up and walked out of her room. It was late. I never heard her go back into her room. I went out to see where she was and found her sitting on the couch. She was having problems breathing; she didn’t feel well. My eyes started to tear up already. The thought of losing her, I couldn’t take it. I sat with her for a couple hours, just keeping her company, trying to convince her to let me take her to the hospital, or to get my dad to take her to the hospital. She was stubborn. So we just sat there in the dead of night, in the dark. Finally she said okay. So I went to my parents room and knocked and told them my grandmother wasn’t feeling well. I was in tears by then, and my parents jumped out of bed.

My dad sat with my grandmother for a while. For some reason, I do not remember, I went back to bed. My dad stayed with her out there until morning. It wasn’t until morning that my dad took her to the hospital. She was admitted for about a week.

There were other times like these later on. When she was in the nursing homes. One night I got a call from my uncle saying he got a call from the nursing home. My grandmother wasn’t feeling well. Since the nursing home was just a few blocks away, he called and I went. There was some pain at her side. My chinese isn’t that great, so translating was difficult. The nurse gave her some pain killers. I sat with her for a few more hours, watching her sleep, talking to her. Just being there with her. She’ll wakeup from time to time and tell me to go home, and I just tell her to go back to sleep. Eventually I did go home when I felt that she would be all right.

My dad would go and see her everyday. He would make my grandma a cup of coffee and bring it to her before he went to work. Out of all of us, he saw her the most while she was in the hospital and the nursing home. He loved her very much. He loved my grandparents very much.

I still remember when my grandmother first got sick and was going to a nursing home, my dad tried so hard to have her not be put in there. We tried for my uncle to watch her, but it just didn’t work out. She ended back in the nursing home until she got better. Then my dad took her back home again.

Things were better with her home. I will always get her dinner ready whenever I am home, and get her medications for her. If I ever forget, she will always point to her mouth, and I will know. She was so much happier at home. Then one day, she would never come back. She died in a nursing home like my grandfather did.

My grandfather died almost 2 years before she did. They were both 86.

She was one of the reasons why it was tough for me to move down. I felt like I was abandoning her in a way. I’m sure she would have wanted me to move down, to do what I want and be happy, But for me it was tough to leave her. But I did.

It was tough to see her the way she was. She was lonely in a very disturbing place, just waiting to die. She was drugged up half the time, high as a kite. She was never really herself. She would always be tired, eyes gazing out to nowhere. Sometimes she won’t even talk, she’ll just look at you and it seems like she’s trying to put a name to the face she sees. It is just very difficult to see some one you love be like that. My brother told me she’s gotten worse after she fell and broke her hip at the hospital. He told me she would be talking crazy sometimes, laughing hysterically for no reason at all. It’s the drugs.

Like everyone else, I was hoping that she would go soon. As much as I don’t want to see her go, I think it would be better. It was her time, and it was something that she wanted. I wasn’t there when she passed.

Thinking back on that day, October 27th, 2001, I remember I was taking a nap in the afternoon. It was a Sunday. My grandmother passed away around 4:30 in the afternoon. I started my nap around two and I woke up around 4:30. Maybe it was just coincidence that I woke up around the time she passed, or maybe there was just a connection. Of course I didn’t know what happened; it wasn’t until recently that I just put two and two together. Hindsight is 20/20. But I would like to think that it was a connection.

I didn’t know what happened until 9 that night. I got a call from my cousin, not my parents, but my cousin from Fresno. She called me and told me what happened and what the plans are. My dad didn’t call me until 10:30. I was so angry at him for not telling me sooner. I was so angry. I thought I had the right to know sooner, and I thought I would have heard it from him first. But it didn’t happen that way.

I know that there were many things to take care of after her death, but I just thought I should have known sooner. Even when my cousin explained it to me that my dad was busy taking care of her death, he just simply forgot, he simply just didn’t have time to call me. I still felt angry. I was foolish, and selfish.

Stephanie said I should talk to my dad about how I felt about that. You see, our family isn’t very open when it comes to sharing feelings. While up there for the funeral, I tried, but it didn’t work. It didn’t feel right. I felt scared, and I just let things go. And my anger went away. It went away.

The 4th of July weekend. It was the first time seeing family again after I came back from Washington. A part of me didn’t want to go because I really think it was just too soon for me to see family again, but a part of me did want to go because it is family.

I’m glad I went. It was just nice to be around family again. It was just nice.

Well, the weather down here in sunny California has been picking up, especially for the weekend. On my trip up, I had my windows down, sunroof open, arm out the window, sitting in the Los Angeles traffic. Big mistake. My left arm is peeling, and five shades darker than my right. I don’t think my arms will ever match up again.

Don’t get me started on the heat. It was hot, scorching, triple digits (well upper 90’s). I couldn’t stand it in Fresno. Throughout most of the weekend I got a headache that never seemed to go away. I’ve been getting headaches ever since I got back from Washington. But the ones I had in Fresno were different. They were from the heat, and I was drinking beer. Alcohol and heat. Two things that just don’t go well together. Leads to dehydration and premature hang overs.

I just have to say, I haven’t eaten so well in a while. Home cooked meals, dim sum, pho, bbq, sushi. I can always count on having good food and being well fed everytime I go up there. Another thing, there’s always beer.

The kids. For the most part, I enjoyed the time with the kids. They kept me company. Sure they get on my nerves, especially when they start bickering amongst themselves and start fighting, but they are kids, and I’m use to them. I would have to say that Amy, the smart ass, is a very violent child. She’s loud also and not to mention a poser. But that is who she is. Anywho, whenever I disagree with her or return a smart ass comment with a smart ass remark of my own, she found it necessary to just slap my sun burned arm. Cute, yeah right. After three days with them, it was just time to go, thankfully.

Their parents were great. They didn’t bring up my father’s death that much. They never treated me any different, didn’t give me sympathetic looks, or condolences, none of them did, not even the kids. I was glad. I don’t think I could take them. But listening to the kids’ mom talking with my mom was a little tough for me.

The weekend was nice. A much needed break from the city.

We bought fireworks for the Fourth. They were crap. $40 worth of crap. Amy shelled out $20 and I covered the rest. We were all highly disappointed. Amy invited some friends (Maria, Phong (girl), and Linda) over for the fireworks show. I had to pick them up of course, something I wasn’t too happy about, but ehh..what can I do. The kids were getting bored of me and I was getting annoyed with the kids, so might as well bring some of their friends to come and keep them company. There we were, watching the stupid fireworks show in the back yard. We waited until it was dark, I got my camera and was expecting something spectacular. Nope, nothing of the sort.

Apparently, I got the crappy kind where you stand on the ground and it shoots out sparks about ten feet in the air. Multi-colored ones, mono-colored ones. There were about eight big tubes (well these were the biggest things in the package). Each and every single one were the same. I was expecting something that shoots hundreds of feet in the air and explode into a great giant ball of fire or a screeching dragon a la The Fellowship of the Ring. How I was disappointed. The pictures turned out well. My photography professor sure knows what he’s talking about.

Speaking of photography class. It is going well. I’ve been to three classes. Most of the things I’m learning, I know for the most part, but the class helps me grasp the concepts better. It helps explain many things and how I shouldn’t trust the camera. I’ve learned the F16 rule and should take pictures using the set of rules and guidelines. I’ve done one assignment and I skipped the second one (taking pictures of shadows). I felt it was worthless and just not worth spending money on film and developing the slides. The new assignment is very interesting and I am defintely going to do it. Just need to get the film and find the time this weekend. I’m still not taking as much pictures as I would like, but I’m taking pictures again. I just don’t have time with work and everything.

Back to the weekend. We’ve bbq’d on the Fourth. It was just the kids, their parents, and I for the most part. The other girls didn’t come till later. The kids’ parents had to work later (working meaning go gambling). So I was there watching the kids. I’ve done some things I shouldn’t have in hindsight, but it wasn’t anything damaging. But anywho, it was getting warm and I decided to jump in the pool that they have in the back yard. I went to change, took off my shirt and jumped in.

I need a tan. That was the general concensus among the kids and I. Oh, I’m a little chubby too. It’s the beer. I’m getting a lil’ belly. I’m letting myself go. Anyway, I need a tan. Didn’t get one though. Sat in the dirty pool for about an hour and a half to two hours or so. I came out, dried up and then tried to get a tan. I sat out finishing The Comedy Writer by Peter Farrelly of Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary fame. It was a recommendation from Stephanie. She said it was funny, and that it will give me an idea of what it is like to move out to Los Angeles to write and try to get into the industry. It was an okay book. I’m truding through Kurt Vonnegut’s Blue Beard now. Monica recommended it. She said that it captures the “persona” of an “artist.” Sounds interesting, but nothing is happening so far. I’m a 100 pages in.

Back to my usual fair of journal writing.

The great Ella wrote a very interesting entry the other day. She’s bored, bored with herself. She thinks that she’s boring. I could understand what she’s going through cause I am quite a boring chap myself.

But I just want to ask, who cares? Why should you let it bother you so much?

Maybe it is just me, but I am quite content with being boring. I live a boring life and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing. Sure it gets me down sometimes that I’m not out their living it up, but I’m not that type of person. I’m the loner home bod that don’t mind being boring. In a way, I’ve given up trying to be interesting, given up on life in general. I’m just passing time.

When I first moved down here, I thought my whole life would change. I thought I would change. I wouldn’t be sulking all the time, or I wouldn’t be the shy little home bod, or that anti-social guy that never goes out. But I still am, well I changed a lil’ bit. Just a little. And I am okay with that.

I am a very boring guy. Honestly I am. I don’t do much of anything but sit in front of my computer reading about movies, writing, or searching for “erotic pictures” (porn in laymans terms). If I’m not in front of the computer, I’m in front of the television or on my bed reading. Wow, how exciting. Such a fulfilling life. And you know what, in a way it is a fulfilling life.

I think I find it hard to connect with anyone down here. I’m from another state, and I’m here all alone. Most of my friends down here grew up here, went to school here. So they are never alone. They have friends outside of work. All my friends are from work. They could go and hang out with their friends when they are fed up with work, talk about their past, what they are doing, blah blah blah.

I can’t do that. All I have is work and my love for movies. I watch a lot of movies, and there isn’t any one that I know personally who is a big of a cinephile than I am. They don’t find this movie talk that interesting. I don’t keep up with the news or any world events, so I have nothing interesting to add and honestly no one wants to talk about work outside of work. Most of the talks that my friends have while we go out have to deal with things that I’ve never experienced (relationships) or things I have very little or no interest in (sports) or things that are just beyond my concept, especially when I’m inebriated. I don’t bring anything new to the conversation, so I just sit there drinking my drink, listening to them talk and giggling to my delight.

They go out, they party. They could talk about the great concert that they went to, or the cool party that they just had or got down at. Or the weekend they had with friends from school. I’m not that type of person, I don’t go to concerts, and definitely not parties. Parties just don’t do it for me. To cramped and very impersonal.

I’m the type of person who likes to get to know a person, talk about personal stuff. That is the easiest way of getting to know people. But not everyone is that way. They put up their defenses, as they should.

I’m a boring person, yet people still enjoy my company. Go figure. Duwi and I have this great sibling type of a relationship where we would just cut each other down and be very vulgar. I’m actually really loud and “social” with her. I don’t feel threatened that I have to impress her so that she would like me. I don’t feel pressured of that because I’m not attracted to her in that way. She’s my sister. Hence how I act around her. Actually I’m very “social” with people I’ve gotten to know or are very comfortable with.

She thinks I’m gay, or bi atleast. Why? Simple, it is because I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been in a relationship. She sees me as a smart, funny, hardworking, some what decent looking guy; he should be able to get a girl. But I’m not with anyone. So she thinks I’m a little queer.

Who could blame her, right? I had doubts myself growing up. It helped me explained why I was alone, but it is not true. I’m straight and alone. Unfortunately. It’s not that I want to be gay (not that there is anything wrong with it), it’s just that I’m STRAIGHT and ALONE.

I told her I never been in a relationship because when I was younger, I was very shy and quiet (well not that quiet) and I didn’t have the self confidence. But she doesn’t believe that I’m still that shy and quiet boy because of the way I behave around her and around others at work. In a way, I’m not. I’m not that shy anymore or that quiet (only around new people). It is that now, I don’t feel that I need to be with anyone. Sure, like I said I have my crushes and my bouts of unrequited love, but for the most part, I don’t need anyone right now. And I’m comfortable with that.

So with her, there’s a lot of gay jokes at my expense. But I don’t mind. I’ve been through it with Stephanie, and I knew her for over a year. With Stephanie there were pedifile jokes also.

Duwi, like Stephanie and Danielle before her, wants to take me out dancing. I don’t understand why they would want me to go dancing. I can’t dance; I have no rhythm. So there is not point, and I don’t like to dance. Do I have that look that says, “I need to dance”? I don’t think so.

Well, it is getting late, and I’m losiing focus on where I want to take things. Besides, I think I’ve written enough where I feel I don’t have to write for a few days atleast. Till next time.

Well it was the 4th of July weekend this past weekend. I didn’t really have anything planned. I was just thinking of spending it here down in L.A. on my own. It’ll be my first 4th down here, but it wasn’t the case.

I planned on staying down here because there is a superstition that I couldn’t visit any relatives until after 100 days of my father’s passing. But my cousins in Fresno were insistent that I go visit them over the weekend. I asked my mom and she was okay.

Overall, I enjoyed my weekend. I’ll get into specifics later. First I want to talk about my trip home.

It went well for the first hour and a half or so. Just sped along the long lonely stretch of highway, singing, thinking, and talking. Not much to worry about. Then traffic. I was past Bakersfield, about 10 miles from the Grapevine (which puts me about 100 miles from home) and there was traffic.

It was rough, bumper to bumper. No one was going anywhere. I got off the highway (99) and took this small farm road for about a mile to Texaco. Pulled in and it was a party. Cars were parked and camped out there to wait out the traffic. Little do they know that it was going to be a long long wait. I went in to shake my stick, do my business and I was gone.

I went back on the 99 again. There I am inching along with my windows down, sunroof open, and the faint aroma of manure in the air. Cars are pulled over on the side of the road for bathroom breaks and for camping out. It was hell.

I’m thinking to myself, as I am searching for a decent radio station, that it must be the holiday traffic. The highway is congested because of the merging of I-5 with 99. 45 minutes later I reached the point where 99 turns into I-5. There was still traffic. It didn’t let up. I kept going, trudging along inch by inch. Cars pulling over or playing the always bad game of switching lanes back and forth to catch the fast one. It never works. You’ll end up going at the same pace as everyone else. As I’m trudging along, my miniscule pea size bladder is filling up ounce by ounce as each second passes.

There were no rest stops or gas stations along the way anymore. I was stuck in the middle of the interstate with no room to merge. I had to find a bottle. Luckily for me I had a large bottle of water in the car, but it was full of water. Didn’t want to waste it. Reaching around in the back with my hands, I found it, the empty 16 oz. of Kirkland Signature bottle. I was relieved.

I knew that there is a rest stop at the top of the Grapevine, so I took my chances. An hour and ten minutes into the traffic jam, I reached the base of the Grapevine and is ready to climb the hill.

I scaled the hill. Inch by inch my little coupe climbed along with my fellow companions. With each inch, my bladder grows bigger and bigger. Pretty soon the pressure was unbearable, but I still held on. There were many battles being fought tonight my friends. Many. My car battling the traffic, battling the mammoth hill before me. I am battling the searing pressure in my groin, Yoshime battlles the pink robots. Many battles my friends.

As I ascended Kilamanjaro with my trusty car, which I just recently washed after almost of year, I see on the side of the road, dead cars. Cars who lost the battle. They are just sitting there, hood up, smoking. Unable to move. Their owners got it worse. They would have to scale K2 on foot to the summit to get water and walk back down. How I do not envy them and at the same time I’m telling my self that in five minutes I would have to pee in the bottle.

Twenty minutes and 50 dead cars later, I am halfway up Everest. My mind is playing tricks with me now. I look up at the dark sky and see these unexplainable unidentified lights all lined up in a row moving slowly across the night sky. In the back of my head I was thinking, great we are being invaded by aliens. That explains the traffic jam. Aliens, flying saucers making their descent and make contact. I’ll finally get a chance to meet aliens but I’ll have soiled shorts when I see them. It can only happen to me. By this time, I’m shaking, trying not to let a drop go. If it does, the dam gates will open and all is lost.

It is here that I realize how Slim Pickens must have felt in Kubrick’s classic Dr. Strangelove. Slim Pickens with that nuclear bomb between his legs, falling to the earth and going off. I am in that predicament. I have a nuclear bomb between my legs and it is about to explode folks. It would have been a diasater of epic proportions. Many lives will be lost. But unlike Slim boy, I wasn’t enjoying my trip.

Finally 2 hours after the traffic jam has started, I’ve reached 3/4 up the face of Everest and I see the cause of my pain. There were about 8 fire trucks parked at the side of the road. A large group of firefighters, each carrying their trusty axe, walk down the hill to their trucks. As I look up into the weird lights above, I realize that they were the lights on the firefighter’s hats. They were battling a wild fire. There were many battles tonight folks, many.

The cause of the traffic jam is man’s stupid curiosity to slow down and look at what is happening. It is like a car wreck. You cannot not look. You just have to, and it almost cost many lives. I can’t believe man’s stupidity to have to stop and see what is going on. Come on people, get a life, go drive on. A man has to pee here folks. It’s a life or death matter. The traffic picked up speed and I’m cursing aloud at mankind in general for their general stupidity.

10 minutes later, the pressure has been relieved, the bomb has been defused at the rest stop.

The rest of the trip was uneventful at best, how the trip should have been. I was driving along in nascar speed and fashion. Nothing was before me but the eerie red glowing orbs in front of me. 40 minutes later I was home. A typical 3 to 3.5 hour trip lasted 5 hours. What a night.

It’s been a while huh? Well here I am again.

Well I just finished writing an essay/review. A friend of mine is starting to put together his annual short film festival again. He is in need of reviewers. He made a list of qualifications for reviewers, but unfortuantely, I do not fit. So he made up a new one. I need to write a one page review of a movie. He wants to gauge if the reviewer is capable of looking at film critically. He knows I could because I talk to him about film in a critical sense all the time. So I wrote an essay. I did it on Punch-Drunk Love, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson of Boogie Nights and Magnolia fame.

Writing that essay just brings me back to college and film classes. Just bring back memories of dissecting film, trying to figure what the director is doing with each shot and each frame, or the hidden figurative meanings fo the film.

It is like junior year with the action film class. Listening to the professor talking about the homo erotic undertones and the gun as the phalus symbol of the action film genre. It makes sense and yes, the professor is correct in analyzing the film that way. It is just funny to listen to some of the students who just don’t get it. The students who just see film as a source of entertainment and that films mean nothing. That there is no hidden agenda or any social commentaries in the film. Most films are loaded with these little gems, and understanding and seeing that and seeing how the director portray that idea on film is one of the joys I have in watching films, in analyzing films.

For those of you who have a chance to take a film analysis class, I would suggest taking it. But a word of warning for those who just see film as entertainment. Once you cross that line to critically analyzing film, you can’t go back. Once you start watching films with a critical eye, it takes the fun out of watching film. So if you don’t want your viewing experience to be ruined by critical analysis, please don’t start analyzing films.

It also makes you a snob in the type of film you enjoy or don’t enjoy. Films like Charlie’s Angel 1 and 2, or Scooby Doo or even the new Matrix …I would probalby liked these films 5 or 6 years ago, but as I got older and have a better taste in film, I can’t watch these films anymore. They are trash. If you thought about going to watch Charlie’s Angel 2, don’t. It was bad, it was horrible. I wanted to kill myself so I wouldn’t have to watch it. That was how bad the movie was.

So anywho, I finished my essay and will be sending it away. I’ll post my essay below. Maybe those who have seen the movie may or may not agree with my analysis. I am very interested on your take of the film.

Paul Thomas Anderson’s Punch Drunk Love is a simple story about love and what it brings to life. To Anderson, love is an all-encompassing force that creeps into one’s quiet little life like a train wreck. This train wreck brings joy, music, and above all, personal growth.

The opening scene of the film sets up a major theme of the film, love appearing unexpectedly and bringing music to one’s life. The film opens on Barry Egan, played by Adam Sandler, framed small in the corner of the screen, surrounded by empty space. He is small, lonely, and pathetic. Barry, dressed in his new blue suit, is hard at work before seven in the morning. He stands outside in this quiet neighborhood, then out of the blue a van flips over in front of him and we are bombarded with the sounds of twisted metal. Another van pulls up and drops a harmonium in front of him and drives away. Love, music, appears out of the blue into his life like a freak storm. It isn’t until he meets Lena Leonard, Emma Watson, that he brings the harmonium from the streets into his office. From that point on, Barry slowly fixes the harmonium so it can play music, and fixes himself so he can love.

The personal growth that comes from love is the biggest theme of the film. Anderson showed this in Barry in two ways. The first is his constant running in the film. Barry is a man who is constantly running from his past. He never seems to outrun it. It always catches up to him. Barry is always framed in a telephoto lens running away and running towards the camera. With the telephoto lens, it always seems that he’s not going anywhere even though he’s always running. He never leaves the frame. This can also be seen when he is framed running horizontally. The camera dollies next to him, centering him in the frame. He never leaves the frame. This constant struggle of running from his past changes as he changes. It happens in the scene where he makes the big decision to go to Hawaii to find Lena. He made this choice on his own. In the scene, he walks down the terminal to board the plane. Like the others, it is shot in a telephoto lens and centered on Barry. Unlike the others, as he walks the scene slows down. He’s walking in slow motion. His past finally catches up to him and he accepts it. It is then that he disappears out of the frame; it is then that he finally moves on instead of living in the past. This also happens in later scenes where he runs to the hospital, centered in a telephoto lens, he runs past us, he runs out of frame. It is with his change, his acceptance of who he is, that he is able to break free from his prison and move on.

The other way that Anderson shows Barry’s personal growth due to love is by having him wear the same suit throughout the whole film. Anderson doesn’t want to attribute Barry’s change to his change in appearance, but through his contact with Lena. Anderson wants us to see that all circumstances in Barry’s life are the same but his relationship with Lena. At the beginning of the film, we can tell that Barry is a lonely man repressing his anger and hiding behind his mock ignorance. He would always answers “I don’t know” to any question his sisters ask about him so he doesn’t have to explain himself. He would always deny the truth and lie about what happens. As the film progresses and as he spends more time with Lena, Barry changes. He becomes bolder, more honest, and courageous. This is all on account to him being with Lena, him falling for Lena. It has nothing to do with him changing his appearance to make him feel better. It is because of his love for Lena, that Barry evolves and accepts himself and love himself.

Punch Drunk Love is a unique and different type of romantic comedy that focuses on the effects of love. Anderson shows that we are all capable of love; we are broken harmoniums that just need to be fixed up. Once fixed, we are able to play the sweetest music that love can offer. Love does miraculous things. It takes a lonely pathetic self-loathing man and turns him into a powerful hero. This crazy thing called love makes us do crazy things.

This is not the best essay I’ve written about film, and honestly, it didn’t turn out as well as how I had it in my head. I was trapped by the length of the review. My friend only wanted one page, this is two pages, so I was rushed. There was so much more I could of wrote about. For instance, the strange yet fitting pillow talk between Barry Egan and Lena Leonard.

I think this is enough for now. I shall return tomorrow and write about my weekend and what is happening in other aspects of my life like my photography class and seeing family again. Till then. TTFN

As Bob Dylan says, “Times are a changing.”

I want things to change. Things are going to change. But I am just waiting for them to change. I need to make the changes myself. Tomorrow is the day I will start (oh so I tell myself).

I’m starting my photography class tomorrow. What do I expect from it? I don’t know. Maybe it will help me take better pictures, hopefully. I will get to meet new people, make new friends, and maybe I won’t be afraid to go out and “live” as Kate puts it.

This class will make me have to go out more, cause I’m pretty sure as a assignment, I would need to get out of the cramped quarters and take pictures. I would have to go out into the world and capture what I see, capture time.

While I’m going out doing these things, might as well have fun with it. But see, my idea of what fun is is totally warped from what other people deem as fun. Me, I find enjoyment in the little things I do. It doesn’t take that much for me to have some fun. I do my own thing alone, whether it is shopping, going to take pictures, going to museums or the zoo by myself, watching movies, or even reading. Others’ idea of what fun is involves groups of people, loud music and cramped quarters.

I hate people, don’t like don’t like dance music, and I’m a little claustrophobic. Their fun is not my fun.

But I guess I need to change that. I need to go out and “rave.” (urghh like I ever will). I don’t know. This is my life. It is boring, not much happens, but this is my life. As sad as it sounds, and as lonely as it sounds, I enjoy it. It is a lifestyle that I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m a loner. Go figure.

If this class goes well, I think I will take more. Fiction writing class, screenplay class, a painting class, maybe the live nude model class also. I just want to do something artistic. I haven’t done anything artistic in while, and I’m going through withdrawal. I got an itch to doodle, to draw, to paint, but I never do. Don’t have the supplies.

I wrote a script a few weeks ago. I’ve sent it out and I have 3 reviews back. 3. They were generally good. They found it interesting. Lisa thought it was good (in the sense that it was much better than my other scripts). But is it really good. I enjoyed the story, what I tried to do. There were some problems of course. TWo of the reviews wer every constructive, yet they were contradictory. I guess I just need ot get more reviews in to see how others think of it. In the meantime, I’m just reading.

I haven’t gotten my copy of the new Harry Potter book yet. I’ll get mine tomorrow. So I’m reading Blue Beard and I finished The Lovely Bones last night or should I say this morning (2 am). Many loved and I mean loved The Lovely Bones, but I didn’t see why. Sure it was interesting, the approach unique. But the ending just didn’t do it for me. There was one aspect that just ruined the whole book. It was something I didn’t buy. It didn’t work for me.

I have my idea for the next script already. It is very personal, but I’m not sure if I’m ever going to write it. It is difficult, it is too personal, and it just wouldn’t sell. I need something more commercial. Something that will sell, but my mind doesn’t work that way unfortuantely.

So I guess I need to do something else. Lisa is trying to push me into short story writing. I never found any interest in doing short stories. The last one I wrote was in sophmore year in highschool. I never tried after that. Never thought about it while I decided to make a living off of my writings. I think I should. I just don’t know how. I don’t have the style, the prose, pizazz to write that way. I should try though.

That is my next step, take a writing class. That will come later, I’m sure. In the mean time, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. Film is still in my dreams, but I need to think realistically for the moment. Find something that makes me happy, and I enjoy doing, that can support me. And I write on my free time. Maybe I’ll become a great short story writer and I could get publish. Oh how I dream.

I think I’ve reached a lazy point in my life. I haven’t been motivated to do anything lately. It’s been happening for the past couple of months actually. All I’ve been doing is sitting on my ass. Sure I’ve just finshed that script and is about to start that photography class, but I’m not talking about that. Those are new things, different thing that I don’t mind doing. What I’m talking about is about the basic little everyday things.

The main thing is the whole cooking thing. For the past couple of months (2 or 3) I haven’t cooked anything. Sure I’ve cooked some steaks or some burgers for dinner, but I mean real cooking. I love to cook. I use to cook a lot actually. Just make stuff up. Whatever sounds good in my head, and whatever just make sense and I just cook it. Most of the time it turns out all right, and others are just gag inducing. But the thing was, I use to cook, but now, I’m just a lazy bum. I’ve been spending a lot of money on food.

I’ve been ordering out lately. Pizza last night (even though the buy one get one free deal is great), it is still money. I just think when, why, how did I become so lazy.

Even the dishes are piling up in the sink. I usually either wash it that night, or the next day. But they’ve been sitting in the sink for days at a time.

I’ve even become lazy at work. Sure I do my work, but I’m not doing as fast I’ve use to. I’ve become really unmotivated to work. Waking up each day, dreading the day to come, knowing I have to deal with my boss. Oh…I just wonder why.

Things have seriously change for me. My drive is gone. My routine for writing has been ehhh at best. Last year around this time, I’ll be hard at work right now, writing. Finishing a script or something. But now, it’s not happening. I would use to write about this time of night to about 2 or 3 in the morning. What happened to those days? What just happened? Is this what it means to be old? You lose your drive to do anything.

Talking with Lisa today, we started to talk about her writing. She writes, or should I say, she use to write. She write short stories. Tall Tales and Tall Women is the title of the collection of short stories she was planning on writing. The concept was that these short stories will revolve around these certain number of characthers she’s came up in this particular universe. It is like the characters in the View Askew universe, for those who are in the know about the Kevin Smith films. It was along those lines. Anyway, she hasn’t written in a while, but she’s starting to think and flesh out the stories a little more. And honestly, they are good, they are interesting.

She has a writing style that I’ve never read before; grant it that I’ve been reading Clancy, King, and Koontz for practically my whole life. They aren’t really the female type. But anywho, I like her style of writing. It just has something to it, a certain flare if you will. She’s good. She’s a much better writer than I am, that is for sure. Many writers out there are much better than me actually, but that’s beside the point. Anywho, I’ve keep insisting that she writes again, cause I want to read her stuff. But she doesn’t. She’s not motivated.

This is disheartening to me. A great talent like her not wanting to write because she just doesn’t feel it.

Sometimes I wonder why do I bother doing the things I do. I mean, why? What’s the point? Not that anyone reads it anyway. Well some do, and I’m thankful. Ahhh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Let’s move on.

I’ve been having these weird mood swings again. I’ll go from days of giddiness to days of downright dark manic depression. Tuesday was one of those days. It started out well. It started as one of those giddy days, then in the afternoon, the depression crept in. It lasted all day yesterday. It was bad yesterday. I didn’t want to deal with anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to lock myself in a hole. I actually thought about going home early because I broke down a couple times at work.

Those days are getting tougher and tougher to get through. But they just seem to creep up on me. I’m better now. Today was a good day. See, weird mood swings. Sometimes I think I’m going through PMS.

I am a weird guy. I know. I do weird things; talking with myself, I laugh at almost everything, I sing cheesey love songs to myself, I’m way to sensitive, very melodramatic at times. All things I could understand. It is within my weirdness. There is one thing that I find weird about me. I’m a jumpy guy. I get startled easily. I don’t drink coffee, so I’m not wired on caffeine. I don’t know why I’m so jumpy. I don’t get scared easily. I’m a little paranoid, sure, who isn’t, but jumpy? That is a weird one for me.

I don’t know why, but it just happens a lot to me. Like today, Kate scared the living crap out of me, and she didn’t mean to. Coming back from the bathroom, I was walking back through the hall and I turned into the doorway, and there she was, just standing there..and I got scared. Believe me when i say that Kate is not that scary. She’s quite easy on the eyes actually, but I jumped out of my skin. She’s done that to me a few times already. Kate has it in for me I’m telling you. She wants me dead, gone, eliminated. Each time she’ll tell me to relax, and I’ll joke around with her and say that she’s freaky. She is a little, just a little. But she called me a freak, because this was the biggest scare in a while.

Anyway, I really don’t know why. Maybe it is just because I didn’t expect her there. Maybe I was lost in thought and I didn’t see her until it was too late, or my peripheral vision is down, or I need to stop being such a “dedicated” walker, but I get jumpy. Most of the time it is unexpected movements, movements out of the corner of my eye that I wasn’t expecting. See, I really don’t pay attention to where I walk I guess. I’ll always look around but not see, or I’ll be lost in thought thinking of stupid little things. I never really pay attention. Maybe I just need to start paying attention.

Sometimes I would think it is because I keep thinking that I’m all alone all the time. I don’t think that there is anyone around cause I’m just alone. When I hear something or see someone out of the corner of my eye and I wasn’t expecting it, I’ll just jump.

People would laugh at me of course, cause it is just strange. I’m a scaredy cat. That’s what Amber called me once when she scared the crap out of me back in senior year of highschool. Ahhh, I just find it fascinating and strange that I am so jumpy. What is wrong with me? Maybe I have a weak heart. Who knows.