So today was the big expedition. I went to Malibu Creek and hiked for a better part of the day. I wanted to do this for a while now and it just seemed the right thing to do to unwind after the last few days and the past couple of weeks.

Malibu Creek is a favorite spot to film movies or television shows. Planet of the Apes, M*A*S*H, and Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman were all filmed here.

So I went.

I had an early start. Woke up around 5:20 to get ready. I wanted to get there and hike before the heat struck. I got to the park around 6:30 am, but it was closed. They don’t open until 7:30-8:00 am. But anyway, I got in and started my day.

It was a long day.

At first, it was just marvelous. Beautiful scenery, great weather, and it was just a peaceful walk through nature. There were some early campers there. We greeted each other as we pass by on our own hikes.

It was just nice.

Another reason why I wanted to go was to take pictures. I finished class, got some new lenses, and it is about time that I put my camera to work. It was about time that I pick up this hobby again. I did that.

I took 3 rolls of pictures today. I bought these professional film; got everything loaded up and just started to shoot. They are being developed right now. I’ll get them back on Monday. If any of the pictures look good or turn out well, I’m sure I’ll post them up in the next few weeks.

I got some great shots of a blue heron and another white stork. The white stork was eating a fish or a salamander. I couldn’t make it out. I got a picture of it. I tracked the blue heron for about 100 yards. It was just exhilarating. Unfortunately the pictures will not turn out. They will be pitch black when they are developed.

I shot these animal shots with a 500mm mirror lens. It doesn’t meter for light, so I didn’t know how to adjust for this. I did, but i didn’t realize it until well into my third roll. How unfortunate. It was still early when I was tracking the birds. Within the first two hours I believe, so that makes it around 9:00. There was a lot of light, but just not enough for the camera. I shot it at 1/500 of a second. This is way to fast for that early in the morning and especially when I am using a slow film. I should have shot it around 1/90 of a second. That would have been for the best exposure. I was dumb, so most of my pictures will not turn out good.

The only pictures that will turn out good are the scenery ones. I took these with my new 24mm wide angle lens. Now this does meter, and I sort of used the f16 rule to help me figure out the correct exposure.

If none of the pictures turn out, well at least I know what to do and what not to do. So the day was productive. I took pictures of anything that looked interesting to me. But pretty soon, most of the scenery just looked the same, so I stopped shooting.

I would say, I hiked about 10+ miles today. I did it in about 7 hours. I left about 2 pm. The heat was getting to me, I was tired, I aggravated my ankle again, and everything just looked the same. So I got bored.

I just hiked. I wasn’t hiking slow either, I was hiking at a good pace.

I think I lost about 5 pounds from sweating. It was reaching near 100 degrees toward the time I left.

I was a little disappointed that I didn’t see that many different types of animals. There are mountain lions, bob cats, raccoons, owls, coyotes, and many other creatures. I didn’t see any. Only things I saw were some pretty birds, some horses, ducks, turtles, and some lizards.

I went alone of course. It was therapeutic. I got a lot of time by myself just thinking and talking to myself. To sort things out and think about certain things. Things that happened over the past few days and weeks. Thinking about things that is going to happen and things that I think may happen or things that I would like to happen. I just did a lot of thinking today.

Sure I was very lonely and I wouldn’t have mind if I had company, especially if it was someone that I wouldn’t mind spending time with, but it was all right for what it was. I was in the mood to be alone and have my personal space. Been pushing people away lately. It’s something I need to work on, I guess.

I plan on going back again in the late fall or the early winter. When things cool down and the leaves changes. I’ll probably stay longer next time. Come out early to see the birds and stay late to see the wild animals. Maybe next time, someone would like to come along. Who knows.

I got belligerent with Duwi. I was picking a fight with her, and I think I offended her. She genuinely care about me, I know that. Many people do. She wants to take care of me. What she doesn’t understand is that I need space. That is me. I don’t want help. I just want people to give me space when I need space.

I don’t know what happened. I was in a bad mood to begin with at happy hour. I was getting moodier and moodier by the minute. I was in that bitchy mood that I can get into. I guess it was what Duwi did that set me off. She’s cleaning up after me. I don’t need that. I don’t want that. I guess that is what started the whole thing.

On the drive home from happy hour, we went to Big 5 to pick up a pair of shoes. I just went off. I gave her attitude. I became belligerent. I am a belligerent fool, drunk. That is something that I do not want to be ever.

She sees me as a person who needs help, and she thinks she can help me by babying me. That is not what I want. If I wanted that, I would have moved home, not come down here. I need space. Some people just don’t understand that.

So at work, I was in a bad mood already. Things were going terrible. Then Monica.

I told Duwi what Monica told me about her being pushy yesterday morning. I just wanted to let Duwi know to tone down her approach a little bit. Duwi apologize to Monica this morning.

Monica called me out. She didn’t appreciate what I did. I hurt, offended her. I just about lost it then. I couldn’t handle that along with the whole Duwi thing. Monica and I almost got in an argument in front of Nick too. She didn’t appreciate what I did, and now Duwi is beign a little cold to her. I explained to Monica that Duwi is cold not because of her, but because of me. I am the cause of the tension. Monica just doesn’t want to get wrapped up in any drama. I apologize again, and told her that it is me that Duwi has a problem with, and I have a problem with myself and what I did to Duwi. It has nothing to do with Monica and what she told me. It was a lie of course. I just totally lost it. I spent about the whole morning crying. I couldn’t keep under control most of the time. I thought about working at home, but I calmed down a little bit. I was still very upset and depressed.

Later, Kate asked me how I was doing and I told her that I’m not doing well. I explained to her what happened between Duwi and I. I didn’t tell her about Monica. Monica stepped out to go to the bathroom also. When Monica came out she asked me what happened. I told her.

That afternoon, for the most part, we got back on track again, but I know that things are different now. I fucked up and I can’t take it back. Even though she said that she’s not mad at me anymore, I fucked up.

I feel better now, but I still have to see what is going to happen for now on. Now I know not to say anything Monica tells me, and I know now not to drink.

I’m stupid.

Let’s just get this out there. I am. That is the final word.

I’ve done many stupid things in my life, but nothing compares to what I’ve done these past few days.

I am a very ungrateful, selfish, and stupid person.

I offended, hurt, whatever you want to call it, two friends.

I took both of their friendship for granted.

One, I took all that she’s done for me for granted, and in a way threw it back in her face. She genuinely cares for me, and wants to help me out and take care of me. But I pushed her away. I’m sorry.

The other, I betrayed her trust, betrayed her confidence in me. It took me so long to get to where I was with her, and I jeopardized it with what I did. She told me something in confidence, and I didn’t keep it in confidence. I thought I would use what she told me to do some good. I made something that was nothing into a giant something. This is what I get for trying to use my judgement and do something good. I deserved it. She says that she’s over it, but I don’t think we can go back to the way things were because of it. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.

I just have to say, today was not the best day for me emotionally.

I found out that I am a belligerent drunk. I’m pushing people who care about me away. I did the one thing that I never wanted to do. I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. I hurt someone that actually cares about me.

Maybe things were just going too good for me. Maybe I was just way too happy than I should be, and it was time for a reality check. This shit happened because of me, whether it was conscious or not, it happened because of me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am getting to close, and I need my space. And the only way I know how to get space is to push people away.

When I was younger, it was easier for me to get space. I just keep away from people. I alienate myself from my friends at school. It was easy, simple. I disappeared into the crowd. Things are different now. I got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. So I push them away.

I like space. I need space. That’s how I operate. I am alone because I like alot of space, and it also means I don’t get close. As much as I want to get close, make contact with someone; there is a deep seeded feeling in me to push them away, to not get so close. I am a loner, so I have to cut these ties.

So what do I do now? What do we do now? We just pretend to forget and have things go back to normal. We just let time take its usual affect on us. It is the only thing we can do.

Things are just happening at work. I don’t know what, and I can’t explain them. For instance, I am getting along with Noah quite well. I never got along so well, especially with a guy, just that fast before. I don’t know why. I guess I am just really changing as a person. More confidence, and I guess the whole social thing isn’t scaring me anymore. Well, I still feel a little awkward at times in social situations I guess, but not as much.

Well it seems that Derlia feels that Monica is a little jealous of Kate and I. I think it is funny that I didn’t even notice that she was there when Monica brought up the whole Kate and I issue. So Monica is jealous of our relationship. I don’t think so. I think Monica and I just got to the point where we are really good friends at work, and the point where we might start to socialize after work as friends only. But that is a giant leap to a conclusion in my opinion. I don’t know where we stand. I don’t think I ever know.

I guess things with Kate are moving along in a way also. I think we just get along quite well, and feel very comfortable with each other. We both know how each other act cause we both are quite alike. That has to take some of the pressure off right? Well, I guess we are flirting with each other more and more. A little smile here, and a look there. A snide remark at one moment, and a sincere little chat the next. Am I really moving on from Monica? Am I really? I really don’t know.

Kate and I are just flirting more and more. Well, remember yesterday that I threw a pen at her? She threw a pen at me today. She came in to talk to Monica about lunch and whether she was interested in getting something to eat. I was eating lunch at this time, and Noah was sitting in the office, just eating lunch. Well I was laughing at Duwi’s laugh, and Kate zoomed out and hit Sandy’s box. I heard it, and I just started to laugh harder. Duwi and Monica were laughing at me because I always laugh at people who get hurt. Noah is backing me up. The next thing I noticed was a pen hitting me in the back of the head. Kate came by and picked it up later. She threw the pen at me. I think she was offended that I laughed at her. I should apologize to her tomorrow. As she walked away, I told her I will get her back, and I did. She threw the pen back at me again.

Also, during the day, before lunch, Kate and I was walking through the copy machine. I was following her. We were talking about something I believe, and she stopped right in front of me like she wanted to scare me or to have me run into her. We just stood there for a few seconds, then I put my hands on her waist and guided her to the exit door in the hall and left her in the corner. She was being a bad girl.

So she’s going up to Eureka over the same weekend that I’m heading home. She has a guy friend who has a cabin up there. Eureka is in the mountains in Northern California. Near the Oregon and California border. We started to talk about the trip, and whether I’m driving up there or not. I told her if I had more time, I would have driven up.

I think things need to stop between us. It just can’t possibly go on because of our work relationship. It just can’t.

It seems like Duwi is getting very social, talkative, and pushy today. She’s having another party on August 30th. She’s really pushing for Monica to be there. I just stayed out of it. Monica told me that Duwi’s been really mean and rude to me and that she was getting annoyed with Duwi’s persistence to get her to go to Duwi’s party. I could understand. Hopefully things get better.

Do I think that Duwi take things too far? Well you know me. I really don’t take things that seriously, and at times I do know that she’s joking. So it doesn’t bother me that much.

I’ve been playing a lot of basketball lately. The good thing is I’m getting better and that I don’t get tired that easily anymore. The bad thing is that it is just PJ and I at most. Can’t pick up that many other palyers. I just want to play in a game, preferrably not one on one. John came out today. I asked Kate if she is interested and also Nick. Kate is having problems with her knee, but she said that she try to make it out next time. Will she, I really doubt it. Nick..who knows.

…..was a good, yet bad experience for me.

It was good because I had fun, and I was drunk and shit faced. She introduced me, as a drunken slob, to her fiends and family. From what she tells me, they all like me. I was talking and chatting because it was mostly old people there, so there wasn’t pressure for me to impress and socialize with people my age. It was very laid back. I’ve enjoyed myself..for the most part.

Now the bad. The liquor. I had a wee bit too much to drink. I was mixing my hard alcohol, and it turned out to be a bad thing. To much Covassieur (spelling) and vodka, and whiskey. I had enough to be good for the rest of the night. If I continued drinking water, I would have been fine. But then, there were shots. I can never turn down a shot or two or even three. I had three shots of tequila in a span of 4 minutes. I think that was what put me over.

The next thing, I was in the bathroom puking, and cleaning up the bathroom and my pants. Duwi’s friends were a little worried because I locked myself in the bathroom. So I came out, pants with puke on them, sat down on the futon. Her friends put me to sleep. That was around midnight. The party went on for another 3 hours.

I feel so bad. I dirtied their little bath mat, two of them actually. I dirtied their bathroom. I was so sorry. Oh man, I just lost control.

I have a tendency to do that when I’m around alcohol. I don’t know why. I just need to learn how to pace myself I guess.

Duwi, my surrogate mother down here, she said she was worried about me. She was the host of the party, and when I was sleeping, she didn’t know where I was. I think her friends told her what happened and where I was.

Apparently, around 2:00 am, she came in to check on me. I guess I was sleeping in a awkward position so she came and adjusted me, to make me comfortable. As she was doing it, she said I was saying sorry sorry sorry to her. Honest to god, I don’t remember that.

I have never passed out from alcohol before. I never have. That was my first time.

I think I went into the party with a alterior motive. I think I knew I was going to get shit faced and drunk. I didn’t have to drive, and my ride left, so I was going to spend the night anyway.

A part of me, deep down inside, wanted to get drunk and shitface. I wanted to be numb. Ever since my dad passed away, around that time, this is something that I really really wanted to do. I never got a chance. I didn’t want to do it up there with my mom there. She didn’t know I drink at that time. I just wanted to numb myself. Then when I got back down here, no opportunities presented itself. I had one, but I had to drive home so I couldn’t drink much.

I did it Saturday night. Was it worth it? No. I still feel the same way. It’s not going to go away, and no amount of drowning my sorrows in alcohol is going to change that. When I woke up that morning, at my friends house; a friend who I’ve only known for three months, and who is so hospitable, I just felt really sorry for what I did. I thought about my dad, and why was I being so stupid and drinking myself into a drunken stupor. I cried. Oh foolish foolish little ol’ me.

Then Duwi came, and we just started to talk. We talked about many things that monring, and many things that day. About work, life, girls, so on and so forth.

I honestly have to say, I haven’t connected with a person that fast before, but I am noticing that I am doing it quite al lot with many people at work. Maybe I’m just getting more social, or maybe it is just my confidence building up. All I know is that I’ve changed.

I just wonder, are things going to continue to change or has they stop?

In the next couple of weeks, I will be going home once again. I’m just going home for the weekend, nothing more and nothing less.

My mom wants me back for a thing for my father, and I really needed a break from some things down here.

So I’m flying back.

I never thought I would go back so soon. I always thought that I would go back around Christmas time. But I guess things change, plans change.

How do I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I get back there. All I know now is that I need it. I want to see family again, see the kids, hang out and catch up with everyone.

Play some golf. It is the only time I ever play.

I think things might be a little tough for me when I get up there. Going to have those feelings of abandoning my family again. My mom has been laying the guilt trip on me nice and heavy. As many of you may know, she wants me back. She doesn’t feel comfortable with me down here alone. I don’t think many mothers do. She just doesn’t understand that I like it down here, and I like it alone. I’m a weird one, what can I say.

Kate and I were talking about this the other day. I didn’t know I am still so emotional about it. I almost lost it in front of her, but I gathered myself up. I lost it in the bathroom a few minutes later. I couldn’t believe it. It has been a few weeks since the last time. I guess I’m still not over it yet. Well grant it that it has been less than 100 days since my father passed away. I guess that is okay.

I’ll be flying up there on the night of the 14th of August. I’m flying back Monday afternoon.

Well I am going to a party tomorrow night. It is Duwi’s party. She’s an “ol’ hen” from work. Not that old, mid 30s I would say. She’s the one that I have the sibling type relationship with. It is her boyfriend’s belated birthday party. She’s been telling me about it for the past couple weeks, and she is very insistent that I go. Joe, another guy from work, is going also. Duwi is having him pick me up, so I don’t have to drive home drunk. She wants me to get drunk and shit faced so I would dance. Not a good idea, cause I’ll probably just laugh my ass off. I get that way when I’m drunk

She is worried that I will not show up. Her boyfriend really wants to meet me because she’s been telling him all about her “chinese boy toy” from work. She thinks that we’ll get along, talking shit about her. It should be fun, I hope.

Some family is coming down to visit during that week that I am to leave for Washington. They are planning on visiting me and going to Disneyland. I hope they make it before I leave. I’ll be taking a day off when they get down here for the Disneyland trip. If I have a good reason to ditch work, I am going to use it. This is a good reason.

Writing seems to be getting harder for me. Keeping this journal seems to be getting tougher. I guess it is more about the content I want to put in here. Ever since I started to post private entries, they just seem more interesting. There are many things I want to write, it is just that using just pronouns and no proper names can get tedious and confusing. So I might just start writing everything out in private entries. Little things, special things that just made my day and I wouldn’t have to use pronouns to confuse myself.

I’ll try to keep up with the public entries from time to time. I hope.

Well it seems that I’ve been being private or semi private for the past few days.

I’ve been wirting private entries in my journal lately. Some of them are viewable to my friends on live journal, but there are some that are private.

It’s not that I’m trying to keep secrets from anyone, it is just that there are things that I don’t wish certain people to see. Some of them have to deal with my feelings and other things that is happening in my life, but it really isn’t anything I wouldn’t share. I just sort of did it to protect my ass I guess.

Looking through some of the journals that are posted here, many of them are private journals or semi private journals. I never personally thought I would write a private or even a semi private entry, but I guess there is a first for everything.

I use to keep a journal, written out by hand. It contained a lot more personal stuff than anything I have ever put in here, well except for some of the earlier entries. But I stopped a while ago. I got bored, and it was mostly depressing stuff. It was a mixture of feelings along with what has been happening in my day, and I have to say, when you live a boring life that I live, there really isn’t much to write about and it doesn’t make an interesting read.

The things I usually post here aren’t really about what is happening in my life. No daily entries of me sitting at my desk, doing my work, working working working. That would be boring, and I know now that I am writing to an audience, so I just write about my thoughts and my feelings, or whatever that is interesting to me.

Sometimes I would like to think that my family is reading it, and I would just like to let them know that I am okay.

Anywho, it’s been a really really long and tiring and emotional week for me. I think I’ll just end it here.

Good pictures are hard to come by. You could take roll after roll after roll and there would be no good pictures, especially if you are going for artistic picture. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and there might be two or three good ones to a roll or a batch of pictures you’ve taken. I’ve taken hundreds of pictures in my life time this past year. Out of the hundreds of pictures, I think there are about 10 at most that turned out great. Here are few of them.

Serious (August 2002)

Lonely Blue (July 2003)

The Conversation (October 2002)

Grant it that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; these are pleasing to me. I like them. They are some of my bests. Many will probably look at these and think, “Hey, no big deal.” But to me, they are. Like I’ve said before, I don’t like to waste film, but I’ve wasted many in my life time.

A little info about each picture.

Serious:
This was taken in Fresno in August 2002. It is a picture of my cousins Kent (center) and Michael (right). I didn’t really plan this picture. I just took it in an effort to waste film so I can go ahead and get the roll developed. Surprisingly most good pictures come out that way.

Lonely Blue:
Well, the flower was blue when I took it. Just a tad blue. It was taken last weekend up in the Santa Monica Mountains. The picture was scanned from the original slide and then color corrected in photoshop. There wasn’t much doctoring to this picture, I swear. I just brought the green out a little bit more to look like the slide.

Why was it on a slide instead of a print? It was part of the roll that I used when I did my photography homework. I took about 16 pictures that dealt with “action” pictures for my homework and then decided to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway at a friends suggestion hoping to find a nice quiet place to pretty pictures of the ocean. Kevin said it is a great and beautiful ride. He never told me about the traffic. I would have to say that if the traffic wasn’t so bad, the drive would have been great. So I never really found a good place to take pictures of the ocean. I got some pictures, but they don’t scan well, and they really don’t look pretty.

So I drove up the PCH for about two and a half hours and I decided to turn back. I turned off a road and wanted to see where it lead. I drove up to the Santa Monica Mountains. There were some hiking trails. I didn’t go too far. I had sandals on, and besides there was a sign that said it was “mountain lion country.” So I decided to stay close to my car. There was a little garden that belong to a residence. I snapped the picture.

The Conversation
Or Ketchup Having Conversation with Glass as Stephanie so aptly named. It was taken from her digital camera last October. We were at lunch at a restaurant. It was Danielle’s last day and Stephanie, Monica and I decided to take her out. The girls were talking about something, and I was busy playing with the camera. Guys and electronic toys. They go hand in hand. The picture turned out as I saw it. I’m glad. This was my computer wall paper for a while. It’s interesting.

Well they are interesting and good looking to me. I’m just a amateur, that is why I’m taking a photography class. And besides, like I said, most good pictures by amateurs are taken by luck anyway. It just so happens you are at a certain place where the conditions just happen to be perfect to take a great photo.

Here is a photo taken by my friend Ella Spink.

July 2002

I didn’t give it a title, because it is not my picture. It was taken over the July 4th weekend of last year up in Tacoma, Washington. We were at the Glass Museum the day before it opened to the public. It was sunset. We were walking up the stairs and saw this beautiful sky. Great time to take a picture, and she did. She’s the one who got me into photography. Now, I am sure that the sky wasn’t that blue when the picture was taken. She must have been using a filter or a slow film to get the blue that color. Ms. Spink, do you remember if you were using a filter or what speed film you were using? This picture was scanned from a print.

Now, let me talk about the print itself. The print is just magnificent. The richness in color and just the absolute look of the print is better than any type of print I’ve ever seen. The print are very professional looking. She got it developed at Kits Camera. I would have to say they beat any drug store or Costco developing any day. I’m trying to find a cheap place that develops print that way. I found a place but it costs about $13.00 to develop a roll. It might be worth it. There are some other places around that have a color lab, but I don’t know the prices.

I plan on doing a hiking trip by myself one of these weekends. I plan on taking a couple of rolls of pictures to try out my new lenses and also it gets me out of the house. I’ll probably take my film there to develop. Hopefully they come out good.

Now the first day of photography class, my professor says that most pictures turn out ugly because it matters where you develop your film. These drug store places aren’t that great. Take them to a place with a color processing lab. Your pictures will turn out 80% better. Also it matters about the type of film you use. So far in class, we’ve been using Fuji brand.

Now, I got a new scanner. I bought a new scanner fundamentally for this reason. To scan pictures. This scanner has the ability to scan slides and negatives. That is the main reason why I bought a scanner in the first place, to scan the negatives. It is much better to scan from a negative than print.

Most film scanners are expensive, a couple hundred dollars. My scanner, the CANOSCAN D125OU2F is a flat bed scanner with a slide and film adapter. For some negatives and slides it works well without any color correction. But for most of the time, there needs to be some minor corrections. I bought it from ebay for $69.95. Of course, I did research before I bought the scanner. Most professionals gave it a great review for scanning film and slides, but a bad review for scanning anything else. So I got hooked and bought it.

The following pictures were scanned from the negatives without color corrections.

Water Fight (July 2003)

Sparks (July 2003)

Reaching for Water (October 2002)

Water Fight
This was taken on July 4th, 2003 after the bbq in Fresno. The kids, Amy and Kent, were having a little water fight in their mini pool.

Sparks
This is one of the firework photographs that I took of the really really boring fireworks show at my cousins’ backyard. The photo turned out great, but the fireworks sucked.

Reaching for Water
This was taken during my trip up to Washington for my grandmother’s memorial. I wasn’t ready for the picture, but it appears that the little ones were. I was busy reaching for a bottle of water.

This next picture of family was scanned from the color negatives with minor color corrections.

Cousins (October 2002)
Top: Van (or Eric) Bottom (Left to Right): Maggie, Dat, Me, Hien, and Loretta

Cousins (Print October 2002)

Cousins
This was taken at my grandmother’s memorial dinner. This was taken before the dinner. Maggie, Dat and Loretta are siblings and they are my second cousins. Van is an only child and is my second cousin and the siblings first cousin. Hien is my brother.

When originally scanned, the picture came out really really dark. I’ve lightened it up and corrected the coloring. There is a greenish/yellowish tint on the print of the picture because of the fluorescent lighting in the restaurant. Fluorescent lighting makes your picture greenish. I’ve color corrected the greenish tint and the underexposure of the scanning to make the picture better.

The bottom picture is a scan of the print. You can see that it is really dark and a greenish tint everywhere. The difference between the negative and the print is like night and day. There is also a sharper picture from the negative along with vibrant colors.

Now Ms. Spink, besides sharing pictures with everyone, I also did this to show you how the scanner worked. How do you like them? After a couple of days of working with the scanner, I believe this to be a great investment for me. Especially at such a low price.

Now, the pictures I’ve posted up. Some may not be here for much longer. As I take more and more pictures, I’m bound to get some I would like to share or some that will help illustrate my entries. I only have a limited amount of space (2mb) on AOL. So as I get more pictures, I would have to delete some of these pictures from the server. Until I find a place where I could upload more, some will have to go. Enjoy them while you can.

I really don’t have much to say. I just want to write, but not write creatively. I think I’ll just try to clear my mind of some things and ramble for a bit.

Lately, I’ve been giving some advice to some of my cousins. One in particular. He’s having girl problems, and he’s just running some things pass me. Now I would like to think I give good advice, cause most of the time I do. I just go by common sense and my gut feeling, that is sound enough for me to follow. But should you really take my advice, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart? When it comes to love or relationships?

First off when it comes to love and girls, common sense doesn’t work. Girls are incomprehensible beings. Second off, should I really be the one to come to with this kind of stuff? Look at my track record. No relationship and multiple broken/shattered hearts. No, I don’t think I’m the right guy to go to. But the advice I give does sound good. It is advice I should actually take myself. But when have anyone ever taken their own advice. Not ever.

So I’m givng him some sound advice. Whether he’s going to follow it or not, I’m not sure. But here’s to hoping it works out good for him. If it backfires, oh, what fun will that be. Sometimes I notice my advice to be a little malicious at times. What can I say, I’m a bitter bitter old man. He want to fuck with his ex’s mind, I told him he shouldn’t, but I’m urging him on. He should do it. Fuck with her mind. It’s like a experiment folks. I nudge him a little here and a little there and then he’s off. I just sit back and wait for the results. We’ll see how things go. It brings a little excitement in my life. I think I’m just going to live vicariously through other people for the time being.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my grandmother. I really miss her. I loved her so much. She always seem to manage to put a smile on my face. I can’t believe that I forgot to put her on my list of things that made me happy.

She raised me, she watched me grow up. She’s a joker, yes she is. When times were tough, especially in highschool, she can always put a smile on my face. We would thumb wrestle and I would always joke around with her. She’s the sweetest.

Her last couple years were tough on her, on the family, and me especially. I knew it was time for her to go, but I didn’t want to let go. Even when she says things like it’s time for her to go, or that she wants to go, I’ll always tell her not to say things like that. I never wanted her to go anywhere.

The last two or three years of her life were spent in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. Seeing the way she was when she was in the hospital, hanging between the lines was really tough on me. I couldn’t keep myself together. I will go visit her anytime I get. I’ll sit with her, talk with her, try to get her to eat. Even then, she will be joking with me, with us.

I still remember one night back in highschool, I heard my grandmother get up and walked out of her room. It was late. I never heard her go back into her room. I went out to see where she was and found her sitting on the couch. She was having problems breathing; she didn’t feel well. My eyes started to tear up already. The thought of losing her, I couldn’t take it. I sat with her for a couple hours, just keeping her company, trying to convince her to let me take her to the hospital, or to get my dad to take her to the hospital. She was stubborn. So we just sat there in the dead of night, in the dark. Finally she said okay. So I went to my parents room and knocked and told them my grandmother wasn’t feeling well. I was in tears by then, and my parents jumped out of bed.

My dad sat with my grandmother for a while. For some reason, I do not remember, I went back to bed. My dad stayed with her out there until morning. It wasn’t until morning that my dad took her to the hospital. She was admitted for about a week.

There were other times like these later on. When she was in the nursing homes. One night I got a call from my uncle saying he got a call from the nursing home. My grandmother wasn’t feeling well. Since the nursing home was just a few blocks away, he called and I went. There was some pain at her side. My chinese isn’t that great, so translating was difficult. The nurse gave her some pain killers. I sat with her for a few more hours, watching her sleep, talking to her. Just being there with her. She’ll wakeup from time to time and tell me to go home, and I just tell her to go back to sleep. Eventually I did go home when I felt that she would be all right.

My dad would go and see her everyday. He would make my grandma a cup of coffee and bring it to her before he went to work. Out of all of us, he saw her the most while she was in the hospital and the nursing home. He loved her very much. He loved my grandparents very much.

I still remember when my grandmother first got sick and was going to a nursing home, my dad tried so hard to have her not be put in there. We tried for my uncle to watch her, but it just didn’t work out. She ended back in the nursing home until she got better. Then my dad took her back home again.

Things were better with her home. I will always get her dinner ready whenever I am home, and get her medications for her. If I ever forget, she will always point to her mouth, and I will know. She was so much happier at home. Then one day, she would never come back. She died in a nursing home like my grandfather did.

My grandfather died almost 2 years before she did. They were both 86.

She was one of the reasons why it was tough for me to move down. I felt like I was abandoning her in a way. I’m sure she would have wanted me to move down, to do what I want and be happy, But for me it was tough to leave her. But I did.

It was tough to see her the way she was. She was lonely in a very disturbing place, just waiting to die. She was drugged up half the time, high as a kite. She was never really herself. She would always be tired, eyes gazing out to nowhere. Sometimes she won’t even talk, she’ll just look at you and it seems like she’s trying to put a name to the face she sees. It is just very difficult to see some one you love be like that. My brother told me she’s gotten worse after she fell and broke her hip at the hospital. He told me she would be talking crazy sometimes, laughing hysterically for no reason at all. It’s the drugs.

Like everyone else, I was hoping that she would go soon. As much as I don’t want to see her go, I think it would be better. It was her time, and it was something that she wanted. I wasn’t there when she passed.

Thinking back on that day, October 27th, 2001, I remember I was taking a nap in the afternoon. It was a Sunday. My grandmother passed away around 4:30 in the afternoon. I started my nap around two and I woke up around 4:30. Maybe it was just coincidence that I woke up around the time she passed, or maybe there was just a connection. Of course I didn’t know what happened; it wasn’t until recently that I just put two and two together. Hindsight is 20/20. But I would like to think that it was a connection.

I didn’t know what happened until 9 that night. I got a call from my cousin, not my parents, but my cousin from Fresno. She called me and told me what happened and what the plans are. My dad didn’t call me until 10:30. I was so angry at him for not telling me sooner. I was so angry. I thought I had the right to know sooner, and I thought I would have heard it from him first. But it didn’t happen that way.

I know that there were many things to take care of after her death, but I just thought I should have known sooner. Even when my cousin explained it to me that my dad was busy taking care of her death, he just simply forgot, he simply just didn’t have time to call me. I still felt angry. I was foolish, and selfish.

Stephanie said I should talk to my dad about how I felt about that. You see, our family isn’t very open when it comes to sharing feelings. While up there for the funeral, I tried, but it didn’t work. It didn’t feel right. I felt scared, and I just let things go. And my anger went away. It went away.

The 4th of July weekend. It was the first time seeing family again after I came back from Washington. A part of me didn’t want to go because I really think it was just too soon for me to see family again, but a part of me did want to go because it is family.

I’m glad I went. It was just nice to be around family again. It was just nice.

Well, the weather down here in sunny California has been picking up, especially for the weekend. On my trip up, I had my windows down, sunroof open, arm out the window, sitting in the Los Angeles traffic. Big mistake. My left arm is peeling, and five shades darker than my right. I don’t think my arms will ever match up again.

Don’t get me started on the heat. It was hot, scorching, triple digits (well upper 90’s). I couldn’t stand it in Fresno. Throughout most of the weekend I got a headache that never seemed to go away. I’ve been getting headaches ever since I got back from Washington. But the ones I had in Fresno were different. They were from the heat, and I was drinking beer. Alcohol and heat. Two things that just don’t go well together. Leads to dehydration and premature hang overs.

I just have to say, I haven’t eaten so well in a while. Home cooked meals, dim sum, pho, bbq, sushi. I can always count on having good food and being well fed everytime I go up there. Another thing, there’s always beer.

The kids. For the most part, I enjoyed the time with the kids. They kept me company. Sure they get on my nerves, especially when they start bickering amongst themselves and start fighting, but they are kids, and I’m use to them. I would have to say that Amy, the smart ass, is a very violent child. She’s loud also and not to mention a poser. But that is who she is. Anywho, whenever I disagree with her or return a smart ass comment with a smart ass remark of my own, she found it necessary to just slap my sun burned arm. Cute, yeah right. After three days with them, it was just time to go, thankfully.

Their parents were great. They didn’t bring up my father’s death that much. They never treated me any different, didn’t give me sympathetic looks, or condolences, none of them did, not even the kids. I was glad. I don’t think I could take them. But listening to the kids’ mom talking with my mom was a little tough for me.

The weekend was nice. A much needed break from the city.

We bought fireworks for the Fourth. They were crap. $40 worth of crap. Amy shelled out $20 and I covered the rest. We were all highly disappointed. Amy invited some friends (Maria, Phong (girl), and Linda) over for the fireworks show. I had to pick them up of course, something I wasn’t too happy about, but ehh..what can I do. The kids were getting bored of me and I was getting annoyed with the kids, so might as well bring some of their friends to come and keep them company. There we were, watching the stupid fireworks show in the back yard. We waited until it was dark, I got my camera and was expecting something spectacular. Nope, nothing of the sort.

Apparently, I got the crappy kind where you stand on the ground and it shoots out sparks about ten feet in the air. Multi-colored ones, mono-colored ones. There were about eight big tubes (well these were the biggest things in the package). Each and every single one were the same. I was expecting something that shoots hundreds of feet in the air and explode into a great giant ball of fire or a screeching dragon a la The Fellowship of the Ring. How I was disappointed. The pictures turned out well. My photography professor sure knows what he’s talking about.

Speaking of photography class. It is going well. I’ve been to three classes. Most of the things I’m learning, I know for the most part, but the class helps me grasp the concepts better. It helps explain many things and how I shouldn’t trust the camera. I’ve learned the F16 rule and should take pictures using the set of rules and guidelines. I’ve done one assignment and I skipped the second one (taking pictures of shadows). I felt it was worthless and just not worth spending money on film and developing the slides. The new assignment is very interesting and I am defintely going to do it. Just need to get the film and find the time this weekend. I’m still not taking as much pictures as I would like, but I’m taking pictures again. I just don’t have time with work and everything.

Back to the weekend. We’ve bbq’d on the Fourth. It was just the kids, their parents, and I for the most part. The other girls didn’t come till later. The kids’ parents had to work later (working meaning go gambling). So I was there watching the kids. I’ve done some things I shouldn’t have in hindsight, but it wasn’t anything damaging. But anywho, it was getting warm and I decided to jump in the pool that they have in the back yard. I went to change, took off my shirt and jumped in.

I need a tan. That was the general concensus among the kids and I. Oh, I’m a little chubby too. It’s the beer. I’m getting a lil’ belly. I’m letting myself go. Anyway, I need a tan. Didn’t get one though. Sat in the dirty pool for about an hour and a half to two hours or so. I came out, dried up and then tried to get a tan. I sat out finishing The Comedy Writer by Peter Farrelly of Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary fame. It was a recommendation from Stephanie. She said it was funny, and that it will give me an idea of what it is like to move out to Los Angeles to write and try to get into the industry. It was an okay book. I’m truding through Kurt Vonnegut’s Blue Beard now. Monica recommended it. She said that it captures the “persona” of an “artist.” Sounds interesting, but nothing is happening so far. I’m a 100 pages in.

Back to my usual fair of journal writing.

The great Ella wrote a very interesting entry the other day. She’s bored, bored with herself. She thinks that she’s boring. I could understand what she’s going through cause I am quite a boring chap myself.

But I just want to ask, who cares? Why should you let it bother you so much?

Maybe it is just me, but I am quite content with being boring. I live a boring life and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing. Sure it gets me down sometimes that I’m not out their living it up, but I’m not that type of person. I’m the loner home bod that don’t mind being boring. In a way, I’ve given up trying to be interesting, given up on life in general. I’m just passing time.

When I first moved down here, I thought my whole life would change. I thought I would change. I wouldn’t be sulking all the time, or I wouldn’t be the shy little home bod, or that anti-social guy that never goes out. But I still am, well I changed a lil’ bit. Just a little. And I am okay with that.

I am a very boring guy. Honestly I am. I don’t do much of anything but sit in front of my computer reading about movies, writing, or searching for “erotic pictures” (porn in laymans terms). If I’m not in front of the computer, I’m in front of the television or on my bed reading. Wow, how exciting. Such a fulfilling life. And you know what, in a way it is a fulfilling life.

I think I find it hard to connect with anyone down here. I’m from another state, and I’m here all alone. Most of my friends down here grew up here, went to school here. So they are never alone. They have friends outside of work. All my friends are from work. They could go and hang out with their friends when they are fed up with work, talk about their past, what they are doing, blah blah blah.

I can’t do that. All I have is work and my love for movies. I watch a lot of movies, and there isn’t any one that I know personally who is a big of a cinephile than I am. They don’t find this movie talk that interesting. I don’t keep up with the news or any world events, so I have nothing interesting to add and honestly no one wants to talk about work outside of work. Most of the talks that my friends have while we go out have to deal with things that I’ve never experienced (relationships) or things I have very little or no interest in (sports) or things that are just beyond my concept, especially when I’m inebriated. I don’t bring anything new to the conversation, so I just sit there drinking my drink, listening to them talk and giggling to my delight.

They go out, they party. They could talk about the great concert that they went to, or the cool party that they just had or got down at. Or the weekend they had with friends from school. I’m not that type of person, I don’t go to concerts, and definitely not parties. Parties just don’t do it for me. To cramped and very impersonal.

I’m the type of person who likes to get to know a person, talk about personal stuff. That is the easiest way of getting to know people. But not everyone is that way. They put up their defenses, as they should.

I’m a boring person, yet people still enjoy my company. Go figure. Duwi and I have this great sibling type of a relationship where we would just cut each other down and be very vulgar. I’m actually really loud and “social” with her. I don’t feel threatened that I have to impress her so that she would like me. I don’t feel pressured of that because I’m not attracted to her in that way. She’s my sister. Hence how I act around her. Actually I’m very “social” with people I’ve gotten to know or are very comfortable with.

She thinks I’m gay, or bi atleast. Why? Simple, it is because I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been in a relationship. She sees me as a smart, funny, hardworking, some what decent looking guy; he should be able to get a girl. But I’m not with anyone. So she thinks I’m a little queer.

Who could blame her, right? I had doubts myself growing up. It helped me explained why I was alone, but it is not true. I’m straight and alone. Unfortunately. It’s not that I want to be gay (not that there is anything wrong with it), it’s just that I’m STRAIGHT and ALONE.

I told her I never been in a relationship because when I was younger, I was very shy and quiet (well not that quiet) and I didn’t have the self confidence. But she doesn’t believe that I’m still that shy and quiet boy because of the way I behave around her and around others at work. In a way, I’m not. I’m not that shy anymore or that quiet (only around new people). It is that now, I don’t feel that I need to be with anyone. Sure, like I said I have my crushes and my bouts of unrequited love, but for the most part, I don’t need anyone right now. And I’m comfortable with that.

So with her, there’s a lot of gay jokes at my expense. But I don’t mind. I’ve been through it with Stephanie, and I knew her for over a year. With Stephanie there were pedifile jokes also.

Duwi, like Stephanie and Danielle before her, wants to take me out dancing. I don’t understand why they would want me to go dancing. I can’t dance; I have no rhythm. So there is not point, and I don’t like to dance. Do I have that look that says, “I need to dance”? I don’t think so.

Well, it is getting late, and I’m losiing focus on where I want to take things. Besides, I think I’ve written enough where I feel I don’t have to write for a few days atleast. Till next time.