When asked why it is that I’m single, I just and stare at her eyes. I look as if I’m thinking, contemplating the answer as if it is lost deep in the heart of my soul…I kill myself trying to think of the answer.

The answer is at the tip of my tongue but I still play along like I don’t know. I play because it is the part of the game. I play because that’s the reason why I’m still single. It’s all in the game; it’s all in the chase.

Oh, the little glances, the slight touches, the little jokes that we play on each other. It’s the connection and the chemistry that draws me in. It’s the flirting that gets my blood boiling. What’s the point when you get what you want and the games start to end? Where would the fun be? It’s a dangerous game of heartache and pain, but it’s a game that I play willingly.

Things have been going strange lately. The games we play, the glances and the talks we have just doesn’t have that little flare that it had before. Something is missing between us and I can’t place it.

Maybe it’s my attempts at distancing myself, detaching myself from the situations at hand. We go about our business the same as usual but the pizzazz isn’t there anymore. The small touches are short and less between; the jokes are less funny and impersonal. Things are going about in a half assed way. I guess that’s how things are meant to be. I guess that’s how things should be. It’s progress.

So it goes and goes as I try to find a new subject for me to try new things with…and the search goes and goes. I thought I had a possibility by apparently the chemicals didn’t react quite as well as it could. The reaction wasn’t nearly as reactionary as the NaCl should be. It fizzled and as two bases are put together into the mix. It just was DOA.

We talked and played the usual games of catch-up and “hi, how do you do’s?” as two strangers usually do, but it was just that. Two distant strangers that were distant in their proximity of the other…on a mobile device that just transmits our voice to the other and we have to go to our imaginations from the pixels that were uploaded to get a view of who we were.

I imagined you tall and sweet, pale and blonde, with baby blues that your photo presented. I wonder which one you thought of me with…the “cute smile” you so proclaimed…the one from Sacramento I bet.

I wonder what it was that made you decide to fizzle what was what? I wonder what it was that made you think things will never work out the way things would go? I just wonder? Why end it the way that you did without giving it more time?

You said that there wasn’t any chemistry? How can there be chemistry when the chemicals weren’t given sufficient time to interact? You even said so yourself that chemistry can be found given time…One single night for 26 minutes surely isn’t enough time to make a reaction.

Was Bradley right in his assessment that your cat-napper came back into your life with the cat you so loved? But I do agree with Bradley in the assessment that chemistry is from a physical thing. It most definitely is.

The little touches, the glances, the smell, the physical attraction that just get the hormones, the pheromones, the chemistry as you so proclaim will start to react together and then, voila…chemistry ensues. But again, the formula doesn’t because there was very little mixing and very little agitation that was much needed for a chemical reaction to start.

But I guess that’s how things go. I guess that’s how life is. A series of miss connections and miss moments…two strangers trying to make a connection that ends up to become nothing because one or the other or both find that things just aren’t working out the way that it should work out. Life….that’s how it goes.

So I go on and on in my endless search and rescue of the things that needs to be searched and rescued. Whether it is another stranger or whether is someone that I already crossed paths with. Life is a mystery that way.

Maybe I’m just too nice in my ways and people find that too safe? Maybe that’s it…like me and another stranger of the night. I took you home as you wished because it was the nice thing to do, and besides I had nothing else going on. We sat and talked as I drove you to your place of business and residence. We talked and I thought. I’m sure you thought whatever it is that crossed your mind about me, about life, about you also. I guess that’s how things happen.

You brought out your pet, so stuffed and artificial and you gave it life that only you can see. A feline that you mistaken to be a canine. My mind starts to process who you are already. My mind starts running of locations of the nearest hospitals..but it comes to a lost because I don’t know many…especially psychiatric ones.

Sure you proclaimed that you loved it..because it never shits or it never pisses, it doesn’t eat, it doesn’t shed, it always listens, and it is huggable….and many other things that you love about it so much….and I’m thinking..you are fucking crazy. It’s a inanimate stuffed animal that you have there. All I said to you was that it was “cute”.

“Good” is what you said when I said I didn’t have a girlfriend…because I then could talk to you freely…but where were you going with that? Apparently nowhere. When you describe your ideal man, the prestige, the level of power and business pizzazz..the name that you want him to have and that you want him to make for himself…all I thought was about the treasures you will reap from him. I then thought that things will never be between us, because I have nothing that you were looking for and I’m not a man who is interested in leaches.

So I just sat there, paying attention to the road and keeping up the conversation because all in all, it was just awkward for me to take a stranger home and just sit there in silence until I get you there.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t go into your place if you asked. I surely would. Why? a friend of mine asked when I was recounting this harrowing tale of servitude and intrigue…and I just say for the experience of things. I would have done it too and if things progress to where I’m given an opportunity to take her fruit in which she’s giving so freely, I will savor every bite and then move on like the man in Passion Fruit.

Is that what I’ve become, this unattached pariah that goes about lusting for whoever that is unfortunate to come along? I know I haven’t done anything yet, but will I ever go there? I don’t now. I honestly can say that I don’t know.

Another friend was disappointed when I told her about my still lingering feelings about my neighbor, so disappointed in me she was. She even went ahead and believed that I would most definitely try something if the opportunity presented itself with her…and I assured her that I wouldn’t, because honestly..I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go there unless she is available and from the looks of things, it’s not going to be ever be possible for me to go there. Again, the slow detached formalities of our relationship is taking over in our daily lives and routines. We do it because it has become routine too.

I’m sure I’ve been dropped a few notches in this friend’s book, but I don’t care. Bradley got it right…I only do it because it is safe. I know it isn’t going to go anywhere and I get the pleasure of what I want. It’s a win win situation for all parties. It’s safe. safe. safe.

Given the time when this little experiment that I’m trying is over, I don’t know where things will go from there. Whether I will continue on with the experiment or just treat it like what it is…an experiment that once it is finished, it is finished and I have served my curiosity and I will forever just wander the world listless like I’m use to do.

I’ve never even asked for pixels of my current and only connection now that the other deem our reaction is not mixing. I’ll just let things go and go until it is time for me to take the next step and see how she wants to play this. It is all in my right to ask for her pixels, I have every right as my pixels are shown for all to see. Maybe she wants to build up a connection first, maybe she wants me to see what is inside of her first then work outside. Who knows? Females, the non-understandable kind.

There just comes a point where I just don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in these little games and escapades because I’m just so inexperienced at it. Maybe I should just take the advice that I often give and just let things flow like the H2O (a common chemistry resultant, by the way). Just let things flow like water and adapt to whatever it is that comes my way.

Don’t force things because they will surely break over time. Just let things go. Just let things go. Don’t even try.

I don’t know where my destiny lie. I don’t know what road I’m gonna take. I don’t know much about the blank slate that is in front of me. All I know is that I work well alone. All I know is that I don’t mind the independence and the freedom of doing things myself. It’s just I’m human and I wouldn’t mind getting a benefits for all I’ve done.

But I guess some times, life just doesn’t happen that way. I guess sometimes, we all can’t get what we want. Life just goes and I just have to let it go wherever the wind blows. I’m like the feather in Forrest Gump, floating to the lyrical melodies, being blown about by the wind of nature, taking my time to go wherever it is that I need to go and just go there for the sake of going there.

I just sit and watch as things go about and just trying to make things right, but all in all things only happen after Playing by Heart. Talking about love is like, dancing about architecture. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. It’s just things that you can’t explain and it’s just things that happen. We can’t explain it…we can’t talk about it…we just have to let it happen.

Like the one that base that mixed with my basic self…she decided to close what we started and I just have to let that happen and not think about it because that is what needs to happen in life.

Sometimes I do rack my brain about those that were lost, those connections that I’ve made during a few hours and then we move on. For instance, the one from Eugene…I don’t know her name is for sure, but I was told that there was one that shares the name of a famous tennis star that isn’t a planet. She thought I was hot. If it is her, I certainly thought she was. A single child, growing up in Oregon and moving down here to live her own life like I did. But, again, where is she now, moved on and a distant memory. I had a great time with her that day, she standing and me lounging, just talking and getting to know her. Things just came easy between us for some reason. At least that is what I remembered.

I wonder would she recognize me now if I pass her by? I doubt it. What does all this mean? All these connections that just come and go? What does it all mean? Opportunities that present itself and then disappear like the mist in the sky…maybe it is just hints and clues that is trying to drill itself into my stubborn brain. I need to act. I need to move. I just need to do.

But as far as I know, my search just goes and goes until I find another to flirt with. Until then, until then…

Sitting on the bench, just watching the cycling clothes spin and spin, I thought of you. I thought of the clothes you wear, the polos, the shirts, the jeans you fit. I thought of you. That was the last time I thought of you that way.

Now with the officiality of whatever you want to coin it brought to my attention, I can look at you, I can think of you, I can see you in a different light. There are no use for the thoughts I had before, for they were just a fevered dream of wanting. Now I look at you like I do everyone else. You are just a face in the crowd, chucked into my past trophies.

From what I saw and what you told me and what transpired on our last day, I just came to realize it’s better to let things be. There is no use in pursuing something that cannot be caught. None. Why chase an imaginary elusive legendary creature when you know deep inside your heart it doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, it cannot be caught. So there’s no point in lingering on those thoughts and fantasies of obtaining the unobtainable.

The chase will always be in the back of my mind. The times will always be there, buried deep under the new found relationship that I must live with you. But soon, they will be long lost like the others before you. Out of sight, out of mind.

There’s nothing like seeing him to make things so definite. There’s just nothing like seeing him to make me turn off these feelings I have like a light that doesn’t need to be on. Seeing him just makes it more real.

Now I just sit here like I usually do, thinking about what else to jot down in this little walk down memory lane. I just sit here, thinking of you for the last time before I see you again in a different light.

I wonder how you see me now after that unfaithful night? I wonder do you hate me for defying your requests? I wonder did I hurt you when I grabbed you just a little too hard. I apologize if I did. I just wonder how you see me now, now that I know?

It’s just funny for me for this should have happened a long time ago when I first found out. There shouldn’t be these feelings and these bouts of flirtation that lingers in the air as we are speaking to each other. Things like these should never happen, but yet, they always find their way to my doorstep. Just funny.

Now I just sit and ponder what will become of us and what will become of me? As I come to a decision on what to do with my future or just what to do in this realm? As of now, I still don’t have an answer.

Sure I’ve been looking for different alternatives, for different prospects, but they are always never so easy as it was with you and I . Things just clicked and I guess that is what I get with things that just click. They get clicked off just as easily.

Watching the sun go behind the mountain far ahead, I have no desire to look for an alternative. I have no desire to chase the dream that I hold dear in my heart. I just have no desire but to let things be and to get even more comfortable with this life that I am already living.

Come to think of it, I’m just tired of all these games that we all have to play to get what we want. Nothing is ever so simple. I guess that’s why we cherish it more when we have it in our grasp.

I’ll just chalk this one up to another misconnection that I had. No, that wouldn’t be fair. It was definitely a connection, but it wasn’t missed. It was just one of those that came too early or transpired too late. Given the situation, I think it just came too late. A year and a half late.

There’s just no use in pondering what I should have, because it’ll just make me miss it more and want it more. And there’s just no point in doing that to myself. No, no point at all. So I just sit as usual and just try not to think about it, but of course the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it.

I resigned myself to the fact that it’s all about timing and I have no rhythm to keep sync with the passing time. Time just ticks by and by, on and on, and leaves me behind to forever catch up. Until the time I catch up with time, I just sit and tick away at my own speed.

This is the clearest I’ve seen in a long while. With the assistance of artificial tears, things are crystal. I see now what is before me. I see all obstacles in my way. I see what I must do. It’s never been clearer.

Things are not so bad as I keep telling everyone. They just aren’t so bad at all. I’m just free to do whatever it is that I want to do, no questions asked.

Billowy smoke blows out of a stack and slowly dissipates into the surrounding air. Like memories, it just fades away into the atmosphere, never to be relived again.

Calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. I’ve never felt this way before. Tears wanted to fall when things finally sunk in, but they never rolled. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t let them or if it just doesn’t deserve them. I can never figure it out and I never will for it is in the past and I need to focus on the here and now. I need to focus on the silent typing of the keys. I need to focus on my thoughts that I am jotting down now.

Thinking about things that sting me the most, I just don’t understand why you make the decisions you do. I have no idea what it is that goes through you mind or I have no idea what it is that you think of me.

I tried and asked to get some things from you, but you give it away so freely to a stranger. Maybe it’s because you see the stranger as cute and you do not see the same in me. I could only assume, but no matter, things are done and over with anyway. No point in asking, no point in wondering, no point in wanting it.

I stare out into the darkening city and see the lights grow in luminosity guiding the way for those who cannot see. It brings forth hope to the bleak mysterious dark future that lies ahead. But shouldn’t we all have faith in the mysteries that are solved with each passing second? I think we should.

As the song goes, Goodbye to You, but there is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing to hold on to at all. All will go down to the memories of the dissipating smoke that I am so familiar with. There’s just nothing there anymore, nothing left to hold on to. Nothing.

Any chemistry that was between us were false reactions that turns lead into fools gold…just coloring on the outside. There’s no alchemy between us, nothing changed. You are you and I am I.

With more time, the orange haze that lights the distant horizon will slowly fade into the dark night like the flames that we shared together. They will be suffocated by the impossibility that is us and will die where it lies.

I don’t know what kind of fate that my palm has destined me to live, but I wonder if it will transpire the way that it was told to me. I’ve been fooled by these “magic” words many times now and sometimes I just have to decide when to stop listening to them.

Gone gone and away as the Earth turns more and more away from the sun, blanketing us with the darkness that the night is so accustomed too. Turn turn turn.

In a few moments I will be alone like I usually am. No one will be here on this bridge but me and it will be a closing on another chapter of my life. Another chapter titled by the latest connection. It will be forever finished in a book that doesn’t allow you to flip back and reread what happened. Will this book ever end?

Alone.

Like The Grapes of Wrath, following the last chapter will be a chapter that is outside the main storyline. It will be about the mundane life that everyone lives, nothing spectacular, nothing special. It’ll just be a chapter describing how someone like me lives and how I go about my day. When will it end? Who knows. Maybe until the next connection, or it may never end at all. That’s the thing about these kind of books.

These words will do me justice for the things that I must say. There is no need for private words that usually haunt this empty space. Not tonight, and not about this. Reading this whenever in a time that has not come, I believe I can make out what it is about.

I sit here on this bridge, no so alone ever since the end of Spring, just wondering, searching for words that usually come easy at times like these. I just think and rack my brain on the current project that I’m writing, not caring that it’ll suck and not wanting it to suck all at the same time. I’m just sitting here searching for words, thinking of things that may or may not be relevant to the task at hand.

I just sit here and ponder as the five boys head over to Strawberry Fields Forever. I sit and watch the world down below passing by like they do every night. I sit here and watch the lovely foot traffic that passes me by as I listen to the sweet melodies of Strawberry Fields.

I wonder how they see me? How do they see me, just sitting here all alone, void of any contact, not wanting any, typing away at a computer as they just shut the large doors behind me, closing the Nordstroms? How do they see me?

Often times I imagine being somewhere else other than where I am looking at myself and trying to figure out the angle and the perspective I am as an outsider. I often times put myself in a child’s perspective, looking at me, looking at them, and just wonder how do they see me.

Do they see me as me and nothing else, with no baggage with any troubles. Do I seem tall to them, unlike the short perspective I have of things. I imagine looking up at myself, straining to see who this towering man before me is.

How do they see me? How does other’s see me? How does the girl next door see me?

She said she would tell me if I’m ugly. She said she would tell me that she doesn’t find anything attractive about me. So she says. Maybe she does see me as the cute charming neighbor that I present to her. Albeit a little moody and strange, but there is an attraction towards me. Whether it is a small attraction or a large one, it’s an attraction nonetheless.

I sit here putting myself in her shoes, pondering the things to come, trying to think the way she thinks and I have no clue as to what is to come.

I told her I was over her as I have written here, and for a time that was true. I was cold and uncaring. I was distant and unfamiliar. She gave me her plea to become normal again, but what use would that do? It’ll just bring me back to where I am now. Just wondering.

Thinking about a discussion I have a couple years ago about harassment, it just seems funny how it isn’t harassment if you find the person attractive. The things I say and the things I do is definitely harassment and inappropriate. Yet, she doesn’t feel harassed. Another person did the same and she feels disgusted and harassed. I find that funny.

Sexual tension is what I called it. It’s what she has with that other guy. She tingles with goosebumps as she considers the creepy thoughts of what I said. Ewwww is her response. I find that funny.

Pushing buttons is what I do best. I play her hot and cold, normal and weird, not letting up on the charm I ooze. I could tell that she appreciates it as it puts a smile on her face. I could tell that she enjoys my presence on a normal day. The looks, the glances, the touches here and there that we both share. I know how to push her buttons and she knows how to push mine.

That’s always how things start. That’s always how things go. These are just games that we all play, especially when things are just starting out. Just games for pleasure and games to pass the time in between. I just sit and ponder, wonder, what it is that she thinks?

I have words and some inkling as to how she thinks, but I don’t have access to those words. No, not at the moment. What is it that I am to do to rectify the situation that I’m in? Should I sit as I always do or should I cut it like I tried to do before? I’m at the juncture of inaction in a time of action as I have always been familiar with. What is there to do besides just sitting and wasting before a new neighbor comes along?

Near the end we sat quietly for we were both busy in our own lives. We were separate from each other like we usually are, yet for some reason others thought we were fighting. It’s been a while since our last one. It’s been a while.

With this one, I’m not afraid to say the things that are in my mind. With this one, I’m not afraid to joke and be crude and nasty as she would say. With this one, I’m just not afraid. With this one….

The grass is always greener on the other side goes the band with that guy’s name from that album that is invisible; what side are they talking about?

The connection with the empty void around me, with the radio frequency waves that zoom to and fro, are always breaking at the last minute. It prevents me from downloading the words that I need to get access to. It prevents me to get the words that I want to get.

She never meant to hurt me. She never meant to disappoint me. She’s only doing the things she knows how to make me change. Sometimes it’ll work, and others, it’s a waste of time.

Again, Where will we be without wishful thinking goes the song that blares mellowly in my head. Where exactly will we be? I never thought that I would have been so hopeful in my thinking, but I have always been so wishful.

Slowly, minute by minute, second by second, the termination line covers us in the darkness that we are all familiar with. Slowly it becomes night and the stars with their light in history will become visible to us once more.

Wishful thinking has gotten me far in this life that is so attuned to the dark. Again, Where will we be without wishful thinking?

Looking back in the Time of Your Life, I take the pictures that are in my head, flipping through the memories, just thinking to myself; I’m having the time of my life right now. It was worth all the while as Billy Joe sings to us in his normal vocal stylings. There’s no need to ask me, for I am having the time of my life.

The neons and the orange, red, yellow glows grows brighter and brighter as the light outside dims.

Staring at her ass is what the guy is not doing as I am doing it for him. In a little white bikini right in front of him, she stands. Finally he got the hang of doing nothing. Sleeping on the beach is doing nothing all right. Nothing at all.

I stare at the familiar sign oh so far away that lets me know the time and temperature. It just brings back memories that are better left forgotten. Not all the memories were bad there, but there were some bad ones that are better left alone.

The “running of the rack of clothes” here in the Westside Pavilion is gracing my presence. As I watch this eye candy running down the racks of clothing, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. Not just with the eye candy, but also with the noise that the stampede brings.

The newest fashion of tank tops and ladies wear, lingerie (or linger’ry) as I would like to say. Scarves, pants, jackets, denim, and everything else. It’s a store full going down this bridge. A store full of fashion.

The noise scares away the only two left here on this bridge. A couple doing their work, whatever it is. Students at the local college, studying something that I could care less about, I’m sure. Is that all? Is that it?

Here I am again, alone on this bridge. Alone at last; finally alone.

I’ve been told again that a connection have been severed again. Again, people are no longer together. I was told to start a new connection. That was a long time ago. We are two separate wires with different plugs that just don

Here I am. It’s been a while, but here I am. I’m at home. I’m at home.

It feels so strange to type that. I’m at home. In actuality, I’m not at home. Well, technically I’m at the neighborhood Tully’s in Federal Way, Washington, but I’m home. My sweet mother and brother now lives in Federal Way. So, I guess this is my home away from home. My second home in another state. Federal Way, Washington. And, I just have to say, I love it.

It’s a large, beautiful house. BEAUTIFUL! I want a house to call my own, but unfortunately, I cannot afford one down in the City of Angels. It seems you need to be a Saint to get one or be filthy rich. I’m neither.

Being back up here, I’m loving it already. The scenery, the water, the green. Did I mention the GREEN. The weather has been lovely these past few days. Clear and hot. It’s a beautiful state. A magnificent state. It’s my home away from home.

I haven’t thought about it in a while. It’s been since early 2003 that I thought about moving back here. Back to Washington. Ever since my father passed away, I pushed that thought away from my mind and never thought about it again. Coming back didn’t bring those thoughts back, no. I’ll just let it lay where they lay for now. Besides, it isn’t like it is a long flight back home. It’s not. Just a mere two-and-a-half hours away. Not a long flight at all. So I guess I could comeback whenever I have the time and whenever I feel homesick. I might make it back for the holidays after all. Maybe.

I’ve been mostly chilling with family ever since I’ve gotten back. This is my first time venturing out on my own since I’ve gotten back. This here, is my first alone time. Sitting here in the morning of the anniversary of America’s Independence…this is my first time on my own. It’s great.

It’s the 4th today, so that means that there’s going to be a BBQ today. It’ll be great. A large family get together of catching up and laughing and joking. It’ll be like old times. Unfortunately, not all family is here, but that is all right. That is quite all right. I think I got enough to deal with for now.

There just seems like a whole different vibe up here…especially with family. Maybe it’s just me and my refusal to grow up…or should I say the inability to grow up, but there’s just this vibe up here. I’m not going to lie and say that Washington doesn’t have that grow up and settle down vibe, it does…but I am feeling it more and more as the days progress. Everyone is looking for houses, everyone is looking to settle down. maybe it just comes with age and I’m one of the youngest in my generation. Or maybe everyone else seems to have things figured out, so they don’t need to go on their own little soul search. Maybe……

Am I ready to settle down? Maybe. I don’t think I’ll mind. It’s more about finding someone, and I haven’t even been looking. Not at all. Though family’s been asking and friends been pushing me to go out and meet these quote unquote ladies…I just haven’t. I don’t know what it is that I’m afraid of…actually, that’s a lie. I do know what it is that I’m afraid of. I guess for me, I just don’t know what to expect if I do delve into a relationship. I could imagine what it would be…times of sunshine and happiness and others of frustrations and just plain not understanding. I guess deep down, it also is that I might lose my independence. That innate fear of losing it.

I just have this image of being tied down and doing everything together…and in a sense, that is great, but also, coming from a person who wanted to be out on his own since he was 16…kind of hard to just throw all that away. Plus that I have no game.

No, in all seriousness, I am pretty much a loner. I know no one likes to hear the demented glorifications of being a loner…but it’s just nice. I do most things on my own. I write, I go shopping, hiking (whenever I get a chance), photography…etc, I’m just a loner. I just don’t know how to interact and socialize with people. Not at all. I do better being alone. Maybe when time comes for me to settle down and be with someone, maybe then things will change. Hopefully.

I still remember one of my fondest memories. It was during the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college. I got a cashier job at Bartell Drugs and it was just me alone in the apartment throughout the summer, working and coming home. It was fantastic. I loved it. Though I didn’t go out and socialize, but I just loved that feeling of being on my own, paying my own bills, just taking care of my self. It was my frist taste to independence, away from my parents’ watchful eyes.

Sometimes there’ll be flashes of me cooking dinner, me working, flirting with the girls at work….it was a great time for me. It was a time no different than what they are now, but the only thing that has changed is that I’m socializing more…and I guess that’s a good thing, a natural progress in my life I suppose.

The summer at The Zoo Store is also a fantastic one. Though I wasn’t alone in Seattle that summer…my brother was also there….but it was fantastic none the less. Working, paying my own bills, and just socializing and flirting with the girls at work like always. It was just a great time.

I know that I’m a fickle person. Very fickle, and I usually get bored with things very quickly, hence focusing on a particular script or story is a chore to me…never finishing. I just wonder when I will be bored with my existence now and need to find a new outlet, a new lifestyle. Maybe then, I will be serious of finding someone…but again, why should I need to find someone. Shouldn’t things just happen? I think I’ll just stick to that philosophy, just let things happen. I think I’ve been good at it for the past 26 years…why force it?

It’s not like I haven’t been trying…albeit only half-assed, but I’m trying. I don’t know…I’ve been searching the online ads, so on and so forth. If a ad strikes my fancy, I would reply..but there are no answers. I guess my writing just isn’t as savvy as I think it is. Darn…

“Don’t take things personally.” Isela lent me a book a couple of months ago, and one of its motto is “Don’t take things personally.” I’ve getting better at that…just let things slide off of my shoulders and try not to make “assumptions”. Another one of the books mottos. Just don’t make assumptions. If you want to clear things up, ask questions.

I’m at a point in my life where I lost any strong feelings for her. It’s gone. I’ve moved on, as I should. That is something that would not last, and that is something that I shouldn’t be wishing for. She has something marvelous going for her. She has something that she truly deserve and she’s not looking for anything else. Sure we have great chemistry, flirt a lot and have different viewpoints in life. She doesn’t understand me, and I understand her just a tad. It makes for great fun, but all in all…it’s over. Overall, that is that.

I think that’s why I’ve been in such a chipper mood for the past couple of weeks or maybe a month and a half. After I made that decision not to flirt with her as much, not to touch her, and just to keep our relationships just as “friends”. I think that’s when things changed for me. It has to be that way. She knows how I feel about her, and that should be all I can do right now. The rest is up to here if she so decides.

I think also the running helped me get back to being in a better mood…exerting energy and whatnot. I guess. Also, the sleeping earlier. I’m not as grouchy at work anymore to the relief of my coworkers. But I’m sure that when Wednesday rolls around, no one would want me to be there. I’ll be tired and grumpy. I’ll probably kill someone. I might just put money on that one.

I’m not going to lie and say that my life is all roses and sunshine right now. It’s far from perfect and it will never be. Perfection doesn’t exist. But I do have to say that things are great right now. Absolutely fantabulous. Just Fantabulous.

So I’m home away from home, writing my life away, writing my morning away. Just watching the cars roll by, watching the people get their drug of choice. The daily injections rushing through their veins, my veins, increasing the heartbeat, stimulating the body, the mind…giving a jolt of sweet euphoria. Just shooting up like any other day.

What does it mean to be free? Is anyone ever free with everything that we’ve experience in life? Death, desire, lust, mysteries, fate, destiny, free will. How can we all be free and not at the same time?

It doesn’t make sense for the rambler that things are just is without no rhyme or reason. There has to be a reason for things that happen, connections that are made, friends that are lost. There has to be a reason for these things. If not, then they are just things. They just is, existing on their own with no connection to anything or anyone. They are coincidences in our little lives.

As I sit up here typing away in my usual spot, in my typical verse, I wonder to the drowned out thoughts in my head. What is life? How do you live life?

Life is something that one just experience. Life is just something that is lived by the individual. Life is life. There is nothing about it and nothing around it. It just is.

Fond tickling of the parts around me, fond ticklings of the arm, the soft skin, the smooth cool digits, the dooey eyes and the beautiful face. Fond tickling things are.

I sit and I sit, looking out wondering, lusting at the things that people have and I have not. I look around shaking with the bridge that I am on. Is it another earthquake or the traffic and the wind that is blowing oh so fiercely?.

If it is the big one that ends my life, then this little diddy will never be read by any wandering eyes.

Traffic lines up in the claustrophobic tight streets of Westwood Blvd. Traffic lines up waiting to go somewhere. Traffic is what holds us up.

What is the traffic that we deal with in our normal daily life? Our neighbors, our friends, our fears, our confidence and self esteem. They stack up because they have no where to go, no signs that give them permission to be release. Nothing. They just build up and build up and build up, waiting for that initial release to free itself from this stagnation.

Once given the sign, they flow freely and go wherever it is that they need to go. To our loved ones, to our heart. They go everywhere and nowhere. They just go and flow like they are scraps of confetti blowing in the wind. They flow and flow.

I flow and flow everywhere I go, for my life is free flowing. It goes wherever my little feet and my heart takes me. Sometimes it’s daring, taking chances with that particular someone. Sometimes it’s shy, staying away from people that might intimidate him. Sometimes it just doesn’t care and does whatever it is that it feels like doing. That is how things are now. It just doesn’t care.

My life goes and goes, never ending until it ends. My life goes and goes, never ending until there is a stop. My life goes and goes. After it builds up its momentum, it is hard to stop it unless a tragic force hits it with fury. It never stops.

Stagnation is a place that I’ve been to and it’s a place that I do not want to go back. It is my hell in a place of hell. It is the worst part of life. The moss has been thrown off of this tumbling sand pebble that built up into a giant bulder. My life tumbles and tumbles free willingly down this majestic mountain road that many have been on and traversed.

Now it is my turn to have a little go on this mountain round. Now it is my turn to roll with the punches, fly with the birds, flow with the streams. Now it is my turn to face my fears and put them into submission as I take chance after chance after chance in the chance game of life.

Whatever comes, no one knows. Whatever that is before us is a mystery to all.

I got a crush on this little new found glory that clouds my mind. This little new lust that causes me to dream dreams I’ve haven’t seen before. This new found joy of life that everyone notices. This joy of release.

Many have notice the change of giddiness and happy moments from the usual dark brooding moods that usually flow through my veins and through my skin. It is a new change in me, and it all has to do with an extra hour of sleep a night.

Sleep is my new found friend that I’m so familiar with. A long deep night’s sleep is the refresher that helps me face the day ahead. It is the extra juice that pushes the start button.

Sitting here on this little bridge, typing whatever it is that comes to mind is becoming tedious and rusty. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, so out of my routine am I. Hopefully my outings of writing will increase as my laps will increase too. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully.

New editions to the family will make its way to us soon. Boy and girl, girl or boy, boy or boy, girl or girl, are possibilities that come with life. They come and grow up and go like the rest of us all.

Sometimes they bring us smiles, other times, they bring us tears. Most of all, they bring us to us.

Walking across the street, walking across the road of life. Crossing the path, crossing the path. Crossing. We risk our lives to cross the path so we have a direction to intercut with the life that is before us.

We give ourselves power to do the things that we need to do, if we don’t we get assistance from those near and dear.

Still a little hard to say, what’s going on in this little head of mine. Lusting for things that I dream of and rejecting them all at the same time. The confusion that besets me slowly melts away to the self assured nature of who I am.

As night slowly creeps up on me, watching the glowy orbs criss cross against the roads, I sit and watch as the world is illuminated with life and lights. I watch the world fill with stars in the city of the stars, Los Angeles.

I have neighbors up here with me, so if the big one hits, I wouldn’t be alone in my fall to the broken streets below. I’ll be a part of the rubble and I have no qualms about that.

So come on courage, teach me to be shy because this new found “cockiness” is scaring the usual tame nature that is me.

Walking in platforms, there you go, lost in thought, talking to that lil’ someone beside you. You walk into my life and out like it was the front door to your house. No regard for the mysteries around you. No regard to life at all.

You go about your business, you go about your deeds. You come again and pass through the entry way again, not paying attention. You pass through and pass through.

Finally he got the hang of doing nothing says the billboard across the street. Such old news to a guy who does nothing perfectly well. I’m an old pro at the inactivities of life. Come join my hermitude of antisocialness. Come join me in this little game of being on one’s own. Come join me in the new found lust of life. Come join me.

Does this mean that I want to move away from my old ways of hermitude and bring forth new life to my veins? I find that hard to believe but the desire is strong and the desire is there to make one last connection.

I want a strong and free flowing connection to a new infatuation that turns into something more than just mere games. I want a connection that is wireless, and understands all the information that I need. I need a new connection.

Sitting at this new found place, watching the traffic drive by and typing my conversation with my computer screen to a recipient a thousand miles away, I just sit and wonder where things are now. Where are things?

Things are where they always have been; things haven’t changed much. I’m out writing my usual diatribes as always, and I’m out away from home, doing whatever it is that I’m doing. I’m not in a rush to go anywhere or to meet anyone. I’m just here.

Things have just gotten better for me, as many have been putting it. I’m not depressed anymore; I’m the chipper, happy go lucky guy. Well for the past three to four weeks as I’ve been told. That’s good for me too, so I’ve been told.

What has changed that I haven’t written about. Nothing much. I guess the things have just set in and I’m tired of my old ways. I’m tired of my angry ways. I’m just tired. I’m starting a new, starting a new trend in my life.

There’s just nothing that has changed much. Things are going as well as usual with that particular single mother at work. Things are going well at work. Things are going well in the social front. Not that much is happening, it’s just that I’m doing whatever it is I want to do. That to me is all that matters. That is all that matters.

Life goes on like always, life goes on like time. Life just goes and goes until it goes no more.

I’ve lost my will to write today. I lost my will to write now, as I am distracted by the sun and by the invisible conversation that I’m having. I lost my will to write, but I march on, typing the words you see now and inserting my two cents where it needs me. I just wait until it is time for me to leave as I’ve scoped out the place that I’ve came to scope out.

I’m just waiting for things to come to me like I’ve always done; but now, I’m more patient than I ever was. Now there’s just things that changed in me that will see an opportunity and act on it if it is appeasing.

I sit here typing away, looking at the people sweetening their already sweet coffee and teas.

Butter is what I smell in the air. Not the familiar aromatic smell of coffee beans, but butter. It’s the rich oozy kind that is in theatre popcorn. The “heart attack” inducing butter.

The place is louder than I thought it would be. The place will do, the place will do. I have found my place for this month; I have found my place for the next meeting. It is Tanner’s Coffee, which reminds me…

I’ve lost my will to write today. Maybe tonight, I’ll be better. Things will most likely flow better tonight. It’ll probably be my typical diddy of mindless rambling. Maybe, maybe not.

I haven’t written anything in a while. I haven’t written anything in the past four to five weeks. This is my first attempt. This is my first real entry in a long time. It’s not good.

It is now approaching the time when I will be meeting my little troupe. It is about that time and the place seems a little more crowded than when I first started to be here. It’s getting a little louder; it’s getting a little more uncomfortable. I guess I’ll have to see how things go here in the next two weeks, then I’ll find another place.

I’m always looking for new places. Looking for new little gems. I haven’t found another gem like my usual spot left. I don

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything, whether work wise or journal wise, as you all can attest to. I’m at home right now with Six Feet Under on next to me, but I’m typing away. I was to start and go writing tonight, but I opted to stay home and watch some episodes. I was supposed to write tongiht, and continue on incorporating my two plays into one. I was to write tonight. So here I am tonight, writing.

I really don’t have much to write about, so I think I’ll share a little something that I think I wrote.

Here’s a funny story. A couple of months ago, while going through some files on my computer, I came across this poem. Now here’s the funny thing, I don’t remember writing the poem. I found the poem on my laptop, in my poems folder. It is titled and formatted.

Now, I never format my poems and i rarely ever title my poems. And most of all, I don’t remember writing it. I hesitate to call this poem mine because when I read it, it is actually really good. I don’t write good poems. I write bad poems well, so imagine my surprise when I found this one. I’ve contacted all I knew that wrote poems and asked if the poem was their’s…It wasn’t, so I guess this poem is mine. I will call this poem mine. Here it is.

LOVE IS A DIM AND FADING LIGHT

2004-08-14

There it is. Again, the peom follows the same themes or unrequited love that I usually write about in my poems, but again, I don’t ever remember writing it. But, again, here, I call this poem mine.

I came out here tonight so I could write, so I could write a personal entry about a particular girl and what happened to us last week. I wrote the entry. I kept her little notes and her little story about us framed in history with that earlier posting. Now I sit here for about an hour just thinking what else to write, what else would I need to say. I couldn’t think of anything. Nothing at all.

So I just sat and read earlier entries that I’ve written in the past month to take note of what I’ve written. I’ve written about many things, lots of things, some personal and others that aren’t. I thought I was going to go onto another personal diatribe about what is happening in my life right now. I don’t think I will. I don’t feel compelled to. I’m just going to write.

I sit here on this bridge, not as alone as I would like, typing away under this spotlight. It hurt my eyes, but I don’t care. I’m writing. I’m putting words down on the page, adding another entry, just writing to keep my brain working. Just writing.

I guess because it is fast approaching summer so early in the spring that more and more people are coming out to my little secret writing space to do their little work. Read, write, do homework, watching the traffic that float by like I’ve always loved to do. I’m just sitting here typing away, doing my best to ignore these people, but at times, I don’t think I can. They are invading my space. They are taking over my beloved quiet work area. I can’t have this anymore. It’s just too much but I can’t do anything about it.

So I just hunker down and write and write and write. I type words that string together and I read what I just wrote to know what it is that I’m thinking.

I don’t know what I’m thinking. Is it that single mother that I’m so obsessed with? Is it about the dinner I had on Friday night with a group of friends of mine, or is it about the poker night I had over the weekend. I lost a dollar by the way.

Gosh, it is only 8:38. I can’t believe it is so early. It felt like I’ve been here for a while now, and I have. I got here early tonight. Really early. So I sit here just typing away in my usual stream of consciousness, just typing away.

I think about all of the things that happened to me in the past couple of weeks. My bouts of socialness, my long talks with that friend of a friend. I’m just thinking and replaying things in my head.

I’ve been told something I’ve been told many times today by that single mother. I have nothing to be angry about. That is true. I really have nothing to be angry about. Nothing at all. I guess my sudden mood swings comes from my bouts of fatigue and lack of rest, even though I rest a lot. I find myself weird and strange, not able to control my feelings and emotions. But this past week and starting today has been a good time. Been happy and playful. It is always a good thing when I’m happy and playful.

I should just let things be. I should just let things go and let whatever happens happen. I shouldn’t care so much about these petty little issues in my life, my lack of experience, my singleness. I should care less. Let things happen when they happen. Just let things happen.

I’ll go on letting things happen as I am so use to letting things happen. I find myself enjoying being alone. I don’t feel inadequate that I’m not with someone. I actually enjoy being on my own, doing my own thing. I could do whatever I want, see whoever I want, go out with whoever I want, stay out as late as I want and I don’t have to compromise with anyone about these issues. I just do.

I’ve been writing seriously lately. Very serious. I just finished a new short script the other day. It is a 2nd draft of something that I wrote last August. I’ve changed many things, many things. Originally, I wrote the script Hermit Love as my first short that I will shoot, but then the reviews came in and the general consensus is that it sucks. So I rewrote it. It is drastically different. The only thing that stayed from the first draft is the characters’ names, the opening scene, and the story idea or theme.

Well, theme, story idea, I

My eyes struggle to focus on what use to be so clear in front of me. They can’t see what the signs say. They can’t make anything out. My visions worsens with each passing day. What happened?

It has begun; what I’ve dreaded for so long. The longing pain of unrequited attraction, the longing pain of infatuation, obsession. The longing pain. It has begun.

I’m not going to glorify this infatuation like I’ve always done before. There’s no glorification for any infatuation. There shouldn’t be. It’s just too painful to glorify and chrerish. This is all because of my sickness, my masochism.

The signs ahead of me were so clear. They were crystal, spelling out everything there was to know about the things to come, but now, they are just a blurry mess of words that I can barely make out. She always secretly liked his brother Edward. That’s what the sign says, but now, I can hardly make out the words.

The signs ahead of me are so open to interpretation now, I just don’t know how to approach them. I may have a clue as to what it is. Instead of me being with the single mother, I was only to think that I am ready to be with her and help parent her child. That was it. That was all there was to that sign. I’ve finally figured it out. I was too hopeful to believe that it was anything but. Where did this optimist come from? Where?

Now I sit here dreading the feelings I have for this beauty. Now I sit here wishing I was never this kind of person who falls for the unattainable. Why am I like this?

It must be the challenge of it all. It must be. I am a man of logic and practicality. It makes better sense for me to fall for someone who is attainable and likes me instead of falling for the one who I can not have at the moment. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?

It got me down today. It got me really down today. It was the first day since I’ve met her. It brought me down. This is the moodiest I’ve been in a while. It was the weather I tell her. It was only partly true. She was the rest.

Now I sit here, loathing in self pity for the feelings I don’t want to feel. How familiar this thing is. How familiar this life is.

I could do something about it, but I don’t know if I really can.

I’ll just let whatever happen happen. I’ll just not think too much about it, take a step back and reevaluate things. I’ll just let things be and just not partake in the games that we usually play. I need to keep my distance. That is all I need to do. Keep my distance. Keep my distance.