Tired and bleary eyed as I whisper sweet sing songs to the sweet empty void that have treated me so well.

The sweet sing songs that twing and twang at the heart strings making a melody that I can never forget…putting my soul at ease.

It kills and kills, squashing the anger that was deep within, releasing my heart to the tranquility that it is now. Resting and peaceful.

The sweet melody that makes me smile and giggle even at the meanest thing, which before would have driven me to hurt something or in a dark despair. The empty void empty void I love you.

How my tone changes to something softer and more playful as I pick up the phone, listening and chatting, giving you the shit of the shit and having you laugh at it. Having people give me the googly eyes as they wonder who it is on the other line.

Fun and playful is how I like to keep things. It isn’t anyone in particular that this goes to, but just people in general.

Not the Tyra from the show or the Delicate Flower or even Skittles. No one in particular as I just go about my business and doing my work and getting whatever that can lighten my day and make it flow.

Just keep things simple and chit to the chat if I can and just call it a day.

sigh…a week count down…counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds… count down…DOWN.

Last night I went to a Saloon brought to you by the actress that was in A Political Situation. Basically it is like an open mic thing where a group of creatives and their friends come and to just hang out and view, see, others perform.

You can show trailers, read short stories, play music, anything. Overall, I did have a good time last night, even though I was off my game, and just had a really really off day.

I got lost, couldn’t find my way there, and then I kind of knocked off some art off the wall. I feel so bad. Lack of sleep, and just a general clumsiness doesn’t help my cause.

Any who, what I realized last night is that I’m not nearly as talented as those that performed. They have a sense of confidence in them that I can never exude, and they are just talented.

The prose writers, sharing their shorts or excerpts. Great prose, good writing. Stories I can never write, ’cause I just don’t think that way. I think just too simply. Seeing some shorts, I think, yes, I’m a lil’ better than that. It was all flash and no substance, but some of the things they did with the “flash” I can never do, because I just don’t think that way.

But then it came down to music. Music music music. A deeply profound love of mine. I’m always in awe, AWE, of musicians. Just in AWE, because it is something I can never do. I wish, dream, dream that I could play music, but I’m just not talented in that area.

Listening to Alisa playing her song on the keyboards, her singing…it just puts me in awe. She created that. She did. Listening to the guitar player. Wow. Great songs, great words. Something that I can’t do. Listening to Alisa accompany him with her violin. Wow.

I was just surrounded by talented people last night, which just puts me to shame.

I know many of you might think it is more with me and how I perceive myself. I don’t give myself enough credit. I know I don’t. I’m a lil’ too humble for the sake of humility. I have talents, I really do, but am I really that talented when it comes to doing the music? No. I’m not. I just don’t know how. I was never “trained”… I just never learned.

Even when I’m strumming along in the guitar, trying to figure the damn thing out…I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m holding it, putting my fingers on the strings, just trying to make heads or tails out of the chords, just trying to figure out the instruments, how people can get the beautiful sounds off of the instrument and I can’t.

Pushing the keys, soft, hard, just pounding the keys, trying to get the get with the proper sound and technique to just make harmonious melodies. Punching keys and keys. I just have no idea what I’m doing, but I want to learn. I yearn to learn.

I want to be a renaissance man, being able to be talented on so many levels. But will I ever be? Who knows? Maybe I will be able to play the sweet music that is just in me, eager to come out, just waiting for an outlet.

Who knows? Who knows indeed?

I love music. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t listen to music. It is the soundtrack of my life. Chinese, American, Pop, AC, Rock, Rock…everything. Music helps me focus. It gets me going, helps me think, and just helps me relax.

Music. Music.

Where are you in my life?

Listening to the end portion of the night last night, the open mic portion. I was Forever Enthralled. Listening as these wonderful artists improv something on the cello, violin, harmonica, guitar, banjo, dulcimer or a zither or a harp type thing. Beautiful. Just improv. Talents getting together, magically on the same level, and producing beautiful and wonderful music. Just jamming. Connecting. I want that. I want to create something…beautiful.

Forever beautiful.

* * *

Pitter patter of my heart and pulled heart strings as I just sit and watch. Things just fall over me and I can’t control it. I couldn’t stop as it is just there in front of my face, pulling and tearing, yanking the strings till I cried.

Why is it that there are some things that I just can’t control? Just there, watching and watching, and then all I know, my heart moves and I just can’t control it.

My life goes on and soon the countdown will be over and then it will start again in another 365 days. Down and down as I just sit silently anticipating what is to come with the new decade with the new me?

I just realize this is the first time in my adult life that I will face a new decade as a whole new person than the last time this happened. Twenty, with my life ahead of me, but I couldn’t see past my depression.

Now, with clear eyes, full hearts, I can’t lose.

Things are just looking on the up and up and the up for me.

I’m not totally fixed and proper and tuned to the right tune as stated above. I don’t think I will ever be, but I’m pretty damn close. Damn close.

There’s not a day in my life when I don’t think about Him. He’ll always be in my thoughts.

There is never a time when something reminds me of Him or seeing something on the small and big screen that reflects what was or reminds me of that loss and my tears flow.

My heart hurts. It’s broken. There is a part of me that is missing because He is no longer here.

I am sad, but I do feel Him with me. I do feel that He’s still here within me, pushing me on, helping me see what my life is. He’s helping me slow down and just see, experience life, live my life to whatever potential I may have hidden inside of me. He’s here with me.

That void will never be filled. I will forever miss Him. I loved Him so much, I just didn’t know how to show it. We never showed it.

* * *

Soon and forever soon will it come, where I jot down another mindless rumbling about turning another number. Another year over, another year wiser.

Looking back, thinking, what am I actually going to write about the past year? What else is there to write? How have I grown in the past year? Was there even a growth at all?

I believe so. A huge change, yet so slow and subtle.

Looking ahead, looking back. I got a week to think about it. To just fully immerse myself and just think things through. Whatever comes to mind, whatever comes and goes…

Survived. Still kicking. The old ticker is still tick-tocking away.

I survived and I’m alive.

It has been a very very busy week for me this past week. March 14 – March 22, 2009. Very busy week. But it was one of the best, funnest, and memorable weeks of my life. I had fun and I paid for it.

To begin, it all started with the practice short that was shot on the 14th. As stated before, it was just a short that I just wrote late one night or early one morning (depending on how you want to look at it). I couldn’t care less about the quality of this short. Again, just practice.

The cast: my ex and other non-actors. Location: Cat’s place.

Overall, it was just great practice for Scott and me, because how much we missed while shooting. There were just a lot of fuck ups around on both our parts. There were continuity problems. Boom mic was in a few shots. Wax paper in the shot — ahh…Passion Fruit days. It ran long. I, being the optimist, thought it was going to take no more than 2 hours. Maybe 2.5 hours including the makeup. They were just short, simple shots. I don’t understand what happened.

The light set ups, sure, but they were simple. Most of the time was just phone calls made by the actors. One actor was dying because she’s deathly allergic to cats and Cat has six of them. I got a little allergic because Cat smoked inside the apartment (the script asked for it) and I’m allergic to cigarette smoke.

I felt rushed, because on actor, a sweetheart, showed up almost on time and had to wait for us to shoot everything until her turn. I feel bad for her, but she soldiered on.

Ultimately we finished shooting. I didn’t get some shots that I wanted, or the quality of the shots, but again, great practice for Scott and me. It helped prepared us for our main shoot, Scott’s A Political Situation.

After the cleanup I thought it was time for me to go home, digitize the footage and then go to sleep. It wasn’t the case. I had to go out with Cat, ’cause she needed a ride…….moving on.

Ultimately, for the most part, I had a fun time filming In the Light. Sunday, I digitize the footage and started to do a rough edit of it. It is what it is. I’m sure I can make it work. I have faith in making it work.

But the 16th began the busy busy week. My first trip to Atlanta for business. I went with a coworker of mine, Tim. We had to do a regional upgrade; new server and new desktops for everyone. Fun times.

Fun fun times.

Well, first off, it was a long day. Got to the airport two hours before the flight, like I normally do. In a way of punishment, the universe decided it would be fun to delay the flight by an hour-and-a-half or so…maybe even two hours. Fun fun.

So, we landed at ATL and got our car and then went on our merry way. Traffic at midnight! I left LA to avoid the traffic. Bastards! One strike against ATL! Damn you!

Any who, got to the hotel at 12:30 local time, which means 9:30ish PST and I’m tired already. I’m old. Sue me.

We went to the “Waffle House” for a late night dinner. Steak & eggs. Damn good steak & eggs. We were hungry. Sue us.

The next few days weren’t bad at all. The first one was the worst because it was a long day. 13 hours.

People that know me know that I like to listen to music while I work. Just music to my ears, drowning out the world around me. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you or socialize, so don’t be offended, I just need to cut down on distractions and lyrical melodies just helps with the work. I was connected to my ipod all day, stuck in the server room for the most part, putting the finishing touches on things while Tim took care of the new desktops, running the updates and other stuff. I helped up when I had down time.

5:00pm. Everyone out. The fun begins. I began to sync up the files as Tim removed the old hardware. While we wait, I helped Tim put the new desktops on and then when everything was finished, brought the old server down and connected everyone. Everything looks good. Really good. A job well done.

We went out to “Taco Mac” for dinner. Just seem like a regular sports bar & grill type of restaurant. Nothing spectacular about it but…but…the mother fucking beer selection. They have over one hundred beers. I was in heaven. So, we did get to get some alcohol to finish and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I had a Guinness to make it right. Yum yum.

I think the fun really began on the second day. The network was running slow. We couldn’t’ figure it out. I sure as hell don’t know what it is. I brought it to Dan’s attention and we opened up a ticket.

So, Tim, Mr. Pimptastic, was taking care of most people, getting them set up on their new shiny toys, I took care of other things..i.e. investigating the network speed issue. Helped Tim with desktop issues and started to test old hardware. Unfortunately, sadly, we didn’t get that far on the hardware. There were just too many things. Conference room wireless. Desktop issues. Network issues. blah!

Oh….to cap things off. I was tired. Why? Damn me, can’t sleep in hotel rooms. I think I averaged about three hours of sleep per night. Fun fun fun.

But, we did get out at a reasonable time that night. 9pm EST.

So, instead of dropping off our stuff at the hotel, we went straight to dinner. We got a few recommendations from our newfound friends in ATL, but I just ignored them. Tim and I went on a journey, a trek, a…search of exploration of the city that is called ATL! We just drove, going by our gut and Tim’s navigation and we ended up somewhere.

We found a mall and there was a restaurant called “Twist”. It is a tapas and sushi bar.

The food…EXCELLENT. The steamed mussels in a butter lemon wine cream sauce were to die for and the duck confit in an orange sauce was just great. Yummy yummy food.

The people, just friendly. They were just so nice. Our waitress, Brandi…..great fun people.

That’s one thing I did notice about ATL as opposed to say….LA. The people there are just so nice. Such wonderful people. I have experienced a small dose of southern hospitality with the Carter’s…but wow…ATL is just full of them.

Thursday. Our last full day in ATL!

It started out as most of the others. Work. Continued on the network issue while I actually did get to the hardware this time. Tim helped but he was busy taking care of the other people, mingling, putting them at ease, and helping them with their desktop problems which is mostly caused by the slow network.

The office took us out to lunch and great times again.

But in the end, at the last hour of the night, we figured out the network issue. Damn fucking stupid piece of shit Email extender user cache. Fucking a-hole. But we figured it out.

We are calling it a night again at 9pm.

During our mingling, Tim cozied up to someone and got recommendations on a few spots to go. I was definitely game…getting out to the city and experiencing the night life, celebrating a job well done.

Hmm…one thing that I didn’t realize until we went to a bar was that it is still okay to smoke in bars. Maybe it was still early, but the first bar we went to wasn’t crowded and unpretentious. It was just a chill chill bar. It was nice. There was someone that was going to play that night. Very cool. We went next door to get more tapas and they too were good, but they were real tapas sizes.

The next bar we went to was a bit crowded, so we didn’t stay.

We drove a bit more and found another bar. “Flip-flop”…it was cool. Lots of slushy margaritas. We chilled there for a bit while Tim made a “connection”…asking a local about her night. Then we went to another bar down the street. It was more like a club than anything.

But, I was really hungry ’cause the dinner we had wasn’t that filling and I was had a few drinks by then. I told Tim’s ass to ask his friend if there was anything around. Instead of calling, his ass decided to text. She didn’t know anyway. I had to chat up a girl sitting next to me at the bar. She’s from Cuba…working with the makeup industry or something and she was just visiting. She didn’t know. She left, and we left a little after that.

We did have a shot of Firefly, sweet tea vodka. Tastes like sweet tea. Wasn’t bad at all.

On our way back to the car, apparently I was “drunk” as Tim says, but we started a conversation with two girls. One was from Miami, the other was a local who didn’t get out much. They didn’t know a place to eat either. Damn them both..but it was cool to chat them up.

Anywho, got home and just went to bed. Early morning.

Friday…flew home and went into work for about an hour before I was sent home.

Saturday…the shoot. I was still tired, but we were shooting A Political Situation today. Even though the actress was sick, we soldiered on.

Of course, there is always something major that went wrong on the days of the shoot. My big thing. I forgot the fucking tape. It was time to shoot, so I got the camera ready and realize I didn’t have the tape. It’s at home sitting on my desk. Fucker. I was so pissed at myself.

But anywho, got the tape and started. Scott and I were a little off our game, but we managed and hit a stride. Pretty much from 10 – 6:30 both days. Well, Saturday we started about 10:30 because of the whole tape thing.

Overall, on both days, we did what we needed. I had a lot of fun, working, shooting with confidence and getting feedback on a few shots from the actors.

The actors kept each other entertained as Scott and I set up the shots and think through the next shot after one was done. It was just fun times.

The biggest problem with the shoot I will have to say is the sound. There were a lot of traffic noises and we had to redo take after take because of it. But overall, it wasn’t that bad at all.

Sunday night. The wrap party. Wow…kick-ass. I had a lot of fun. Tons of fun. I guess I was just relaxed, trying to play some music, glad that everything is over and looking at the footage the night before, they were good. Had a few beers. Seeing the actors and my friends mingle and getting along with each other. It was just bliss. I had tons of fun. Tons.

I felt so good after everything. I had so much fun. My life…just great. I loved everyone. Everyone. Friends, family, actors….everyone. I love them all.

But everything is over now. I survived the week. I survived the shoot. I survived everything.

Now, today, it is time for me to start cutting. I took a few days to rest, to get away from the footage, but yeah. It’s over, now the tough part begins. Editing.

I look forward to it, piecing the pieces together to make a whole. It’s going to be fun. I’m excited and hope everything cuts together well.

Fun fun fun.

My life…..just great.

Ahhh to be back to my ol’ finger tapping ways, to be back with the ol’ diatribes of mindless rambling. Oh, just to be back.

It’s been a while, a long while since I’ve had the chance to just write and write and write to my heart’s content in this ol’ blog of mine.

2009. It’s been a busy year already. I guess.

I have been writing, but mostly it has been on scripts that I’m working on. The action script that I’m working on with Scott and my rewrite of A Ghost Story of Some Kind.

It’s been busy as I have a newfound rejuvenation of creativity, looking things over with new eyes and seeing things in a new light. Well, this applies mostly to AGSOSK. As for the action script, it is difficult collaborating, having different ideas and just meshing them together to make things fit and make each other happy. But, it is for the better. It is something that I can say that I did, with success. Even though we pretty much have to do a page 1 rewrite already and we weren’t even done with our first draft. We have to take a new approach. Just too funny that we’ve invested so much time and energy in getting this script together and before we even get 50 pages in, we are going back to page one. Interesting indeed.

* * *

With a blink of an eye we are in March already. So much has happened. It really felt like a few days ago I was up in Federal Way, in the Tully’s writing my year-end diatribe going the blah blah blah that I usually do. But wow, to have it be almost three-and-a-half months ago. Where have all the time gone?

Where indeed?

I guess I just have been keeping busy. With the recession and everything, things are kind of hectic. My hours have been cut by 10%, so I am living on limited funds. I need to make a conscious effort to just cut down on my spending. Maybe my resolution of going out more, socializing more is not going to happen.

Speaking of which, I do think I’m making an effort to go out more and do more things. Grant it that I had and ulterior motive in it, but I am going out more. With the happy hours with the ol’ JGA crew, to bday celebrations, to dinners with the fam, to parties at the Carter’s, and celebrations of test taking….just going out and being more social.

I think it is a good thing that I am doing. I do need to go out more and do more things, even though it really doesn’t feel like I am. I just need to do it more. Maybe I will actually do one of these “First Friday” events at the Museum of Natural History that Luis raves about. I’m sure I will, but I’m just on a limited budget now and things are just going crazy with my schedule.

Busy busy busy.

* * *

According to horoscope, well Chinese horoscopes, this year, the year of the Ox (or Cow) is going to be a bad year for me financially. It’s just going to be a tough year overall for me, and I’ve anticipated it. I knew this all along, and when the cut in hours came, I expected it. I’m thankful that I still have a job. I’m looking at the brighter side of things.

But for some reason, though I know I’m having a “tough” year, something came over me around the time of Chinese New Year’s. I’ve become so happy. There’s just this sense of elation and happiness and joyful joyful world that is going on inside me that I can’t explain it.

I really can’t. Even Leslie sees it and is kind of tripped up about it. Creepy tripped up.

But, all in all, things are good. Life is good. Life is happy. I know and see that I don’t have many things, like being in a relationship, or being rich, or doing what I want, but I’m happy. I don’t know why?

Maybe it is the stress free job that I have. Maybe I just grew up a little and see things for what they are, not that I don’t already. I just don’t know; things are good. I’m happy, giddy, go-lucky.

Life is good.

I can’t complain.

Money is tight, and I need to make an effort to stretch it for what it is worth.

* * *

Maybe my happiness stems from the fact that I am making some kind of progress in the whole film front. I have two projects lined up. One thrown together in a matter of weeks and another one planned out in months and months. Things are taking shape and I guess the anticipation and the forward movement of the projects is keeping my spirits up.

Actually moving along with A Political Situation really jump started it. Actually setting up the auditions and doing it just sealed the deal. Giddy giddy ever since. It is actually going to happen. Just next week as a matter of fact. I’m very nervous. Very nervous, because this is big. Not only is it not just my money, but Scott’s and it is his script that I’m going to shoot. For the past few months, lots of planning and thinking and coordinating and time time time have been spent on getting to next weekend.

Nervous. I just hope that things run smoothly.

As for the other shoot, it is just thrown together. In one insomniac night, I got up and wrote the script in about 10 minutes and asked a few friends to be the actors. Why waste renting a camera just to practice shooting when I can actually shoot a by-the-hip short and put everything together while getting practice on the camera and shooting.

Kill two birds with one stone.

I guess it is just nice that I’m in a creative bug again and it has nothing to do with writing. It is a creativity of preplanning and execution. I just can’t wait. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but I have such high expectations of everything, even the thrown together ghost short that I really don’t care anything about because they are cast with non-actors.

All in all, I think things will be fun, exciting, and eye opening. I just can’t wait. Fun fun fun.

I have two great actors for Scott’s short and they both seem cool, down to earth and have a great sense of humor. Things are just looking up and up. Ahhhh…things are nice.

Life goes on and on like it usually goes but not like it has before.

Life is good.

* * *

Ahhh, I don’t know, but life is good. Things aren’t so tough anymore. Just looking at things and just taking things one step at a time. One day at a time. Simple simple simple.

It’s easier to just let things go and not fret.

I haven’t heard from her in a while, but that’s okay. Something I need to do anyway as it makes it easier to let go.

I’m keeping my options open even though I’m not looking for anything.

It’s easier to talk to people especially since I know nothing is going to come out of anything.

They all seem nice, sweet, beautiful, etc etc etc. Things are just easier to just do my thing with a lil’ chit to the chat and not worry about anything.

I’m not making any effort of doing anything, because maybe I know for sure I’m not looking for anything. Nothing at all.

Whatever happens, happens and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all. It is not for me to decide what life throws at me. It is for me to decide how to act and hopefully I act in the best way that I can. I think I am doing that. I think I am managing that.

Sigh

Life is good and I honestly don’t know how or when or why, but they are good.

Maybe I do have something for the year of the Ox, 2009.

2009, the year of happiness? It’s still too early to tell, but it is shaping up to it. Maybe I just jinxed myself there, who knows. I sure don’t.

Sitting here, on a Wednesday no less, typing away in my usual ol’ spot, the boba shop doing my thing. Just feels so right, feels so natural.

I’m not even stressing out that I’m going to turn 30 in a little less than a month. Bring it on. Bring on my 30s. Yay yay yay!

Ahhh…life.

Good.

Tired.

Eyes dropping, fighting against the instincts and will to keep them open. My weak will, slowly losing the battle to these heavy windows to my soul. Falling falling, shutting down to blackness and the slumber that it wishes for.

Body twisting in the ether as it slowly trudges on fumes of whatever dinner I had.

There’s been too much happening for this poor old body to keep up with. Too many dinners and outings and late nights of late nights of doing nothing for it to keep up. My body has run old and needs to be rebuilt. The lack of energy is killing me.

Hours upon hours of sleep last night killed me as my body doesn’t want to be weaned away from the comfort of my bed. It wants to lie there under the covers, enjoying the flickering images of my mind, searching with a purpose, whatever that is.

Focusing on anything becomes harder and harder as I just stare off into space and the sea of holiday shoppers looking for that special gift for them special people in their lives. Watching little kids and their mothers or sisters or brothers slowly going from store to store, just shopping, looking, enjoying.

Focus is gone.

* * *
One of the big reasons why I’m so tired is because of the RPA holiday party Thursday night. Didn’t get home till late….well, late for me.

The party was marketed to be a downer party because of the series of layoffs we had in the past month. But all in all, it didn’t feel that way. It felt like a party, though it wasn’t an open bar, it felt like a party.

I had eight drinks that night. First off, the drinks weren’t strong. It took number seven to give me the good buzz and eight was the capper. After that, I couldn’t drink anymore. Needed to stop and sober up, since I know I was driving home. Secondly, I needed something to do. For the first couple of hours, I was bored, needing something to do. The glass in my hand helped. It helped tremendously.

All in all, I had a great time. It was fun hanging out with what few friends I have from the IS dept and the girls from finance.

For a time, I got to hang out with the Delicate Flower. It was nice.

The capper to the night, the thing that kept things interesting and the whole what the fuck? moment was pretty much the last half an hour or so.

I was just sitting down, minding my own business, drinking my water. Sobering up. Then blondy mcblondy sat down in the same booth. Gave her a nod and introduced myself. She gave me a name, a name I missed ’cause when I tried to look her up yesterday in the cafe, I couldn’t find her. But, from the pictured evidence that I got, I was able to find out who she was.

So, again, sitting there minding my own business. I see Delicate Flower coming over but sat down in the booth next to mine. The next thing I know, blondy mcblondy stands up and reaches out a hand. “No, I don’t dance” I tell her. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. She walked around to the other side and drags me out on to the floor.

Fine. I’ll dance. Move slowly with whatever to make her happy, but in turn, she made me happy. Grinding me, getting close. She’s drunk. Faded. Shit faced. Grinding on me and grinding on me. It was nice.

I was getting excited as my itty bitties were waking up. But, all in all… it was nice. It’s been a while.

There we are, moving together, our faces inches apart, looking at each other. I so wanted to kiss her, to just kiss her. She sticks a finger in my mouth. I’m just shocked. I don’t even realize that people are around me. Not at all. I bite down on her finger…smile. She smiles back.

Back to grinding, moving, hip swaying…grinding. Her face, close to mine. Then out of the blue, she licks my lips and slips her tongue quickly in my mouth. WHAT THE FUCK?

It’s been a while since I’ve kissed someone. I love to kiss. I love tongue. The flickering tease of come catch me and soft touching of the tongue. Love kisses. So, it’s been a while. Feeling her tongue on mine, though even for a split split second…it just bring back feelings I yearn to feel again.

Again, blown away by this drunken ass faded Russian girl. Blondy mcblondy. SHIT FACED.

So, there, close to each other. I asked her if she wanted to go home. She said in her accented English, “I’m wet, I’m white. You’re Asian. Find an Asian girl.”

WHAT THE FUCK?

Teased and rejected. Whether I can actually go home and have a one night stand, I’m not sure. But at that moment, I so wanted to.

After the dance, Delicate Flower looks at me and just laughs. I ask her why and she says nothing.

But all in all, I guess it was for the best. I just don’t have any game or mastery to just seal the deal. Damn.

The morning after.

I actually got up and went to work on time. I didn’t go to the gym though, sleeping in an extra hour and a half before I rolled my sorry ass out of bed.

Work, guys getting together just sharing stories about the party.

Leslie tells me about the blondy mcblondy, before my encounter with her. She was gone already. Apparently she’s a 22 year old intern. Sigh. She actually called the helpline, but I refused to answer and Carel got to it. Just too funny.

Drunken girls. Fun times.

Guys being guys. Discussing how hot many of the girls looked that night and how fucking faded they were.

Even with the bar not being open bar, and people have to pay for liquor, it was crazy. I dropped a pretty penny on alcohol myself.

All in all, it was a good night. The day after was a slow and tortuous day and today I’m feeling the effects of a drained body. Fun fun.

* * *
I’m supposed to be doing some work today. Actual writing on the script that Scott and I are working on. I was suppose to outline the next few scenes this past week at work, but it turned out to be a very busy week. So, I didn’t get a chance and I don’t think I would be able to do it anyway. Never seem to be able to do my work at work anyway. Weird. Strange.

I got my three month review at work seven months later. They like me and want to keep me on. Even hearing Benjamin telling the Open Minds girls that I was a good hire was pretty good. I’m glad they like me and think I’m doing a good job.

It’s the right start only because I can’t come up with a title and there is a sign right next to me that says it. I’m running out of ideas, I’m running out of gas, juice, things.

It’s been a long while since I’ve come back here to this writing place. I took a break last week due to Thanksgiving and I took one yesterday simply because I was hung over and I had a lot of errands to run. So, coming out here wasn’t in the cards for me.

But here I am, the last post for a while….or maybe until my year-end diatribe, who knows. But we’ll see.

* * *
For Thanksgiving, I drove up to my cousin’s and stayed with them over the holiday. It was a nice time. I had fun, just chilling and relaxing. Didn’t feel pressured to go out and party and socialize because they, like me, are home bods. For the most part we didn’t do shit and that is all hunkydory in my book. I’m not going to complain.

But in a way, going up there, opened my eyes on many things that I already realize. It just fortified my previous thoughts about myself and my little quirks and situations.

Listening to my cousin and her husband talk about their marriage and the big issues that are coming up with kids and family, it just makes me feel…like a kid again. Not that I’m a kid, small, not being able to do anything. No, it goes back to the sense that I don’t feel like an adult.

They’ve been married for three years and they are taking their next step in their lives, children, together. They’re having the grown up discussions and their spats, their bickers, and all that seems so adult. All that seems so much like a marriage.

All I can do is listen and chime in. I see many of their road blocks. I see their side of the story. I see everything. I don’t have a simple solution to their problems. My philosophy is just do it. Stop worrying. Stop planning. Just do it and shit will sort themselves out.

Worrying and planning will only hinder and disappoint things. I can see that they are so loving and giving and that they will make good parents and I do want that for them, but it’s just a matter of compromise.

But again, I’m not in their shoes. I’m not the ones making the decisions, so it is way too easy for me to just say, do it. Go do it and sort it out when the problem arises.

DO IT.

It just makes me wonder am I ready. Do I think I’m ready to have those talks, to make those decisions with my significant other; if I’m ever so fortunate to find her. Would I be able to compromise and go along with it or will I be the strong stubborn mule that I am now, not willing to bend? I don’t know and that is what scares me.

There might be times where I’ll sometimes sacrifice many of the things I want to appease someone, but I don’t know if those times are still here. I’m stubborn. I’m opinionated. I’m argumentative. I don’t know if it’ll work. But it is something that I need to learn.

Looking at things, as much as I would love to be a parent, as much as I want kids (7 as I tell people), I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent. I just don’t know.

It scares me. Parenthood is scary. I’m not going to lie, it is. Every parent can tell you that.

As I see many girls at work, and my dear friend Susan who is about to give birth, and they’re around my age, I look at me…where am I? Not even close.

I know I’m young, but maybe I’m too young. Too selfish and immature to be ready to marry and have a family.

Like my cousin, I want my kids to know Chinese. I want them to be able to speak it. Ngai (my language…a sub dialect of Hakka), Cantonese, and Mandarin. I want them to speak it all, be educated, and just know the language. It’ll be easier for them to communicate with the elders in my family, especially my mom. I want them to have that advantage. I want them to know and understand the culture, because I grew up with it and it is a big part of my life. It is a part of who I am and had a part in shaping me into who I am today.

It is what it is. The only way I can think of doing that is to either put them through Chinese school and speak to the kids in Chinese. All Chinese all the time. It’s just how it is going to be.

I’m not worried about the kids learning English, because they will be constantly surrounded by it, with school and what not. But the kids must learn Chinese.

I don’t know, looking ahead, it just seems so far out of my reach. I have a feeling that things are going to change with the coming of the New Year, but maybe that is just my optimism talking. I really don’t know what is going to happen, but something might happen soon. Maybe I’ll find that special someone or maybe not. Let’s just say that I’m not holding my breath.

All of these hard decisions that comes up, that I think I’m ready to tackle them when the time comes, but since they are not here, I don’t think I can tackle them. Just way too stressful.

I guess in a way, I like my life easy. Not think so much. Just do my shit and move on to the next shit and just not think.

Sigh…..

* * *
Another good thing that happened at my cousin’s is that I got to play with their brand new puppy. He’s so cute and adorable. I want one. I want him.

I don’t know, I feel sad for Pickles being home alone and everything. It seems he’s having his fits again, peeing on the floor. Maybe it is time for me to get another dog, so he’ll have company, but I don’t know. Can I handle another dog. More responsibility in this slacker life? I just don’t know.

Maybe I’ll just play by ear, but most likely Pickles will get a Relish this new year. We will see.

* * *
I knew this about myself a long time ago as everyone in my family says that I’m like my father. Mostly it is due to the physical aspect of it, but while I’m up there with my aunt and uncle and their family, it just seems that I really am. Maybe it is just a Ho thing, or maybe it is a Chinese thing, or maybe it is just me being me, but I tried to pay for lunch and dinner when I was up there.

Growing up, I see my dad and uncles always fight for the bill as we all went out to go eat Dim Sum or we had a big family dinner out at the restaurant and what not. I always see them for 10-15 minutes fight for the bill, stuffing money back and forth into each other’s pockets. I never understood it. Every time I see it, I just laugh, because it is just a sight to see. Grownups fighting like that.

But I understand fully. It is just out of respect and you want to do something nice for them. I do that with my friends, take them out to dinner for the most part and what not, family too. I understand now.

So, while I was up there, the day after Thanksgiving, my auntie and uncle took the family out to eat pho for lunch. An aside, the pho was really good. The noodles were very very crisp and that made the difference. But, anywho, I finished mine so I thought I’d just go pay. I stood up and my uncle looks at me smiling. “What are you doing?” he said. My reply….nothing. So I went to the register and gave the person my card. The next thing I knew my auntie was right behind me screaming in Viet at the lady not to take the card. I was like don’t listen to her. Take the card and finish the transaction. Fucking stupid Viet. I should learn it though I hate the language. Makes me hate the language even more. So, I got shot down at my attempt to pay. Fine. I sucked it up.

Later that night, my auntie wanted to take me out to dinner because she has to work on Saturday and won’t be able to see me. So we all went out again along with my cousin’s husband. Claim Jumpers. So, we ordered and everything. Thoughts of being burned at lunch still in my mind, I still want to pay dammit. I needed to pay dammit. But, I wasn’t sure about the approach. I went to the bathroom, my opportunity to track down the waiter and slip him my card. But I didn’t. I should have, but I didn’t.

When time came to get the bill, I slipped the waiter my card and told him to put it on that. Everyone at the table stood up and argued against it. Six people screaming at the waiter to do this or don’t do that. He freaked and told us to figure it out as he threw the check and my card on the table. My cousin’s husband stepped in and handed him his card…that fucker took it.

I just want to do a nice thing and it didn’t work. So sad, so disappointed.

But sigh.

I’m sure I wrote about this many times already, but I’ve always been fascinated by my nightly dreams. Some nights I’ll remember them and other nights they’ll be distant memories gone at the moment my eyes flickers to life.

I’ve been fascinated with them ever since my senior year in high school when I had a very telling dream. There were just so many things going on in that dream, though I remember it very clearly. The gist is that I’m off on my own, taking the direction less traveled. Where everyone is making a left turn, I’m making a right. But, the thing that gets me is that I’m always being chased by someone. I’m not sure who, but it is by someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an anxiety dream like the one listed above; dreams where I’m being chased or attacked.

Usually my typical dreams, well dreams that I do remember are once again, I’m off on my own, doing my own thing. BUT instead of being lost, or having the feeling that I’m lost and that I’m trying to find something or find my way out, I have direction. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going. It’s just that it takes a long time, so in the end; there really is no resolution to my dreams. But I have direction, no longer lost. There’s a far off purpose that is just out of reach.

These dreams are much more different than the dreams I had when I was younger; always lost and trying to find my way. I was very lost in life during that time. Very little direction and purpose in life. But luckily, things are better now.

Which brings me back to a dream I had last night, or maybe it was this morning? It just seems I’m having similar dreams for the past few weeks; dreams along the same vein as the one I had this morning.

I’m not sure how the dream started, or where I was particularly or what I was doing or how I ended up where I was. I’m not even sure where I was. All I know was that it was a school.

Again, not sure what I’m doing there. It starts out typically how many of my dreams start out, me alone going someplace. In this case, I was trying to get to a class or a lecture. I walk into the school. It’s large, impersonal, a labyrinth of walls, halls, and rooms. It’s vast, and there were parts that look like a grand opera house lobby.

I go about my business, trying to find this class I’m supposed to be in, but I can’t find it. I need to be there, because I’m late and the lecture is starting. Apparently, there were a few girls (students) who are late also. I ask a security guard or someone else where the class is. He pointed in a direction. I go.

I go through hallways, corridors, doors and doors. I get a little anxious as I step outside into a grassy wooded area that is like a mysterious jungle in the tropics. I’m getting a little anxious. I’m not sure where the girls were, but I had a feeling they were following me. I know to get to my class I have to go through this jungle. It’s dark, but light from the full moon shines brightly down. It doesn’t make the jungle any less intimidating.

I plow ahead through the jungle and the tall grass. I needed to go. It’s my purpose, to get to class. My destination is just past this jungle. I march on. Then a vine reached out and grabbed me. I freak out and started to run and more and more vines reach out to grab me. Eventually the vines got me and I couldn’t go anywhere, and that is where I woke up.

Now, usually I try to analyze the dream or ask Susan to help me interpret the dream, but there is no need for that. I already know what the dream means. I’m just anxious about certain stuff in my life right now. I know what I need to do, but I can’t focus, or I’m scared, or there is always something in the way distracting me, holding me back and in this case it is the vines from the jungle. It is holding me back.

What is it that is holding me back in reality? Most likely my ideology, my fear of failing, or my typical distractions of over analyzing things and obsession.

Just funny how things are that way. It’s been a while since I had these anxiety dreams, but they are here.

Ultimately, there are just a lot of things happening in my life right now that I just need to deal with on my own. They aren’t things that are drastic or life changing. They are just things that I typically fret over or obsess over and I’m just trying my damnedest to just let it go.

I have faith that I will overcome them, as I focus on other things.

* * *
It might be a little too early for this and don’t typically do this, but I think I’m going to make some resolutions. It’s not going to be these New Year’s resolutions or anything of that matter, but they are more about things that I think I want to do, should do, to just grow and be more outgoing. When will this happen? Maybe the year coming up or maybe now, next week, or some other time. I’m not really sure.

I just know that this year was the year of tough decisions, the year before that was the year of change, and every year is the year of living life and growing up and change, and the coming year will be no different. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to work on? Maybe that is the thing that I need to master to become a better person than the person I am now and that is to just go out and experience and live. I think I may be ready for it.

Most likely, it’ll just be me doing these things, doing these things I am interested in. They won’t be these big posse extravaganzas because I don’t have a posse. Most likely it’ll just be me doing these things. My source: The LA Weekly.

I’ll look through it and maybe find an art gallery opening, or just go to the museum, or just go mountain biking or just biking somewhere which I thought I was going to do when I got my bike, or just go to some play or go and just do something. Me alone against the world, finding my groove and just finding my thing. No one with me. Just me out doing my shit on my own.

Might as well get use to it because I think that is how things are going to be. I know it isn’t going to be forever, me being alone, but I know for the time being, it will have to be.

I know for the most part, I already do some of these things already, just going out alone. But mostly it is for films. Films I want to see but no one else and I’m cool with it. But let’s just expand that. Let’s just do it and not be held back by my laziness or my misanthropy.

I still have a lot of time left between now and the end of the year to think about my yearly year-end diatribe reflection piece. My yearly bah humbug to all things.

Again, I will be up in my second home when I write that and hopefully I can come to terms with the things that happened in my life and learn to expect with a tinge of optimism that things will be equally tougher and equally better for the year to come.

* * *
Maturity.

I would like to think that I’m mature, mature for my age. It seems that I have always been, but that maybe because I’m just stale, but I would like to believe that. I do believe that the decision I made a month ago was a very mature thing that I did. I laid out the situation and my reasoning and it was what it was.

Sure there are days when I do obsess over the decision that I made and overanalyze everything, thinking if I made the correct decision, such and such. But deep inside, I know I did the mature thing and did make the right decision. Again, it all goes back to me having to do the proper thing and be noble and all that chivalrous bullshit that I came to learn about myself. I have this Knight in shining armor complex. Fuck it.

But maturity. Again, I have it on many many levels, but there are times when I feel that I am immature. There are times that I feel that I have so much growing up and learning left in me to do. I know it is true, that we all learn and grow till the day we die, but I just came to the realization that I still have quite a bit more learning and growing left in me.

I know I joke that I am an old man and I think like an old man, but there are certain times where I feel like kid. Deep inside, I’m a big kid at heart. Other times, I’m the grumpy old man.

All in all, I just feel so immature when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. Flirting. I flirt like a grade-schooler. Not cool man. Not cool man.

I think I just need to grow up on this and just be cool and distant. If I like someone, don’t hit her. But it just seems that I only hit people that I kind of like, but more as friends. I tend to be a little more hands off on girls that I actually like. I don’t know why. Like, I’m an ass all the time, but with friends, I’m more of an ass. With girls I like, I’m still the ass, but not as much. Just one notch down.

I think I need to change all of that and just grow the fuck up. Just grow the fuck up.

I’m approaching my thirties and I’m not “young” anymore. I just need to be more debonair, more suave in my approach on this front. This is assuming that it is going to happen again anytime soon.

I think I have gotten into that phase where I’m just taking time off from all things girls. I think I’m just going to start now. It happened after Sheilah and for a short time after Cat, but I think I need to start it up again.

I told Susan I’m going to take a vow of celibacy and become a monk. I’ll be that celibate monk that knows nothing of the flesh anymore. Eventually I’ll be the born again virgin. Masturbation is still a must of course.

I don’t think I can have an excess of built up sexual frustration without going ballistic and crazy. Release is good. It keeps me sane and functional.

So, here now, I think I’ll try to live up to that. To just be a little bit different and go against what I naturally do when I am playful and flirtatious and just be cool, chill, distant, not interested. Just not be so touchy feely and hitty and abusive (not that I am)…I just need to grow the fuck up.

Let’s see how well it works.