Brain battered and scattered in the streets of the ether in the real world. Can’t focus and focus on anything that is pertinent to me.

Jumble mess of mind ramblings that I am so not use to that it is actually freaking me out. There is nothing there for me to grasp on or that everything that I need to grasp on and lock down is just ” ” that far out of reach. I can’t grab on and hold and hold and love and love and focus and focus.

I can’t do anything as my fickle mind kills the fickle brain and I need to move on and do something else.

Sitting down and trying to write in my last Wednesday off because it is a holiday, I am unable to write anything pertinent. Just a few lines here and there that completes a lead up to the big scene, but nothing big, nothing like the pages and the pages that I need to write.

Maybe I need a muse, maybe I need someone to write for, a inspiration that will get me back to the point of loving the writing that I am capable of. I’m not a bad writer; I’m just a unfocused writer.

Many distractions that pulls my attention here and there, anything that will get my mind wandering for the thing that I need to focus on seems to be a welcome distraction. Shit, any distraction is a welcome distraction in my book.

Life just goes on and on as I feel that I haven’t been doing what I wanted to do or need to do or do anything that is worth doing recently.

Life is just a series of blahs that I have grown comfortable with as I have done many things this year.

Hopefully working on something new will just whip my ass into shape and figure out how to focus. I need to do this.

I will do this.

---

Trying out something new, the above. A line. A separation. A demarcation.

Something new, something different as I get back on this high horse of mine and do the things that I need to do. Maybe this mind wandering is something that I just need to put down on paper, to get it out of my system as I just blog and blog and type and type until there is nothing there to type anymore.

Oh, how the last couple of months have been busy in my life with my little mini vacays and trips and what not. Adventures that I sorely miss but welcome whole heartedly.

Many things, many adventures happened this year that I never got to put down for posterity sake, as I find it easily distracting and feel a little guilty that I am writing but not on the thing that I actually need to write. Maybe this will be it. Maybe not.

The end of the year is coming up, sneaking up on me quickly and that will be the blog of the blog, my yearly diatribe of what I learned, my yearly reflection and it seems that I have a lot of good things to say about it this year. Great things.

Best year of my life. Bar none.

---

New new new.

As I just go about my flow and doing my own thing at work, as I lose my enthusiasm with the things that keep me there, but it is what it is. The real world. Welcome. Blah.

More welcomed responsibilities as I learn more and more about different things, but there are things that I just seem so out of the loop on that I need to be more on the loop with, but I guess that will come with time.

Busy time. Busy days. Stress stress as there will be something new but people will see it as something old. Step back, back to the old and rudimentary but it isn’t that way at all.

---

Hit hit hit.

Swoop in and swoop out. Doing my little business and chat a little chat and then I’m done. A fly by mission.

I’ve been called out with my methods, my little games, my little ways.

Put in and compared to the other more affluent one. THE one of the bunch. I’m appalled, but he is right.

I’m a flirt and that’s me. That’s what I do.

I lower my voice, talking quietly, chatting the chat, of what nots and funny whispers, but nothing really comes out of it. I do my thing and I go. Hitting little targets, pushing little buttons, and then I’m done.

Harmless, playful, and nothing serious.

But I don’t know what I’m doing or what it is that I want.

But I do know what I need to work on. Work on, and fix. My baggage and my issues that need to be thrown, tossed, and handled by me.

Four….maybe five….or maybe even three. I lost count, not sure how many it really is, but I do know there are things that I definitely need to work on.

Loss. Separation. Losing someone.

I need to accept that. It’s a part of life. I’m too realistic to not realize that. I see it every day, but it is painful to go through that loss. I don’t think I can go through another loss again….anytime soon. Whether it is family or significant other.

It hurts. Pain. Tearing up my heart, nothing but ruins and a mass of offal.

It was painful…the last one. Very painful and I don’t know if I can go through another…but I don’t know if the next one will end that way. Maybe it will end differently…here’s to hoping.

I need to allow someone in my heart, to allow that one to get close, for me to love and be NOT afraid of losing that person. Whether she will be stripped away by forces beyond my control or whether we are separated by our own methods. I have to allow for that to happen and be not afraid of it. Let it happen, but try to prevent it. Work things out…but allow for the possibility. Don’t stop.

Don’t limit myself because I’m afraid of what might happen. It hasn’t happened; it won’t happen until it happens.

Space.

My sanctuary. My cave. My home. My moments of hermitude and eternal bliss of tranquility.

Hahhaha. I need to allow for the encroachment of it. To allow people to invade it. I have to give it up. I need to give it up, to make compromises to have that space shared. I know I need to do that. But also, to make clear that there are some times that I need my space. My quiet tranquilness of nothingness that I do but just sit and watch and laze around. But, I know that I need to be ready to do that, to allow for the possibility that my space will be shared. It has to be.

That’s the general equation of what happens when people get in relationships. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about the two of you. Stop being so selfish. Share and share a like. Make that compromise. Hang out tonight, but I need my space on another night.

Eventually, things will get better once I learn to share. It has to be. It will be. It will.

Socialize. Retire my hermitude. Come out of my cave.

I need to start socializing. Meet more people. Stop being the home bod that I am and start being the social butterfly that I know I can be.

You go out and do what you like, that is great. But there is nothing wrong with doing it a little more. Be more social. Meet more people. Meet different people and maybe you’ll meet the one that will make you actually try and be with. It will happen. I know it will.

Do it.

Don’t think of it as your independence is being taken away. Think of it as someone joining you on your many adventures and going on adventures that you never thought you would ever do. It’ll be new, it’ll be different.

Be open. Be open to the possibility. I know you are. I am, really, I am. I know I am.

Socialize. Go out. Be wild.

Throw away all of your baggage. Don’t take them with you. Whatever happened to you in the past relationships, it has nothing to do with your future relationships. Nothing at all. You know it. It’s foolish to compare what others did to you and those haven’t even tried. Just go with it and let things happen.

That’s one of your major philosophies. Just let things flow. Let things happen. You make your own decisions and face whatever the results are; good or bad. Be open. Let it flow. Do it.

You know you want to.

Calm down, relax. Just go and go. Relax. Do and do.

Do and do.

I’m sure I have forgotten some or have repressed it. I’m sure if when I remember it, it will be posted, but the above is what I remember and these are things that I do need to work on. You can do it and you will do it when you are ready to do it.

I’m still young. Very young in many standards. There’s no rush to do anything, to start a family, to change my life. Things like this should not be forced or rushed into. They should just happen. You have great instincts and you follow your gut and it almost has never steered you wrong.

Follow through when you feel the need to do it. You know you can do it.

It will happen.

Have faith. You know you do have faith. You aren’t afraid of it. At least that is what you keep telling yourself.

Mindless ramblings fill my mind as I can’t come to a complete thought and am just procrastinating as usual on the work that I told myself that I need to get done. I don’t know what is wrong with me for the past few weeks and I just can’t focus on anything. Things just scramble on and on in my head and nothing comes to fruition.

I don’t think it is a lack of ideas but the lack of motivation to do the writing. Maybe the things that I have done have proved faulty and just plain not good and why invest myself in this. Maybe I just need a break from writing and writing and writing. Maybe.

It’s not like I’m starting from scratch. I’ve already written it. I’m just making it pretty, flushing it out, bringing in notes and new ideas, but I just can’t get a jump on it.

I’m a good part of the way in, and the next part should be straight forward and can be punched out without any problems, but I guess my motivation just isn’t there. It’s just not there at all. Nothing is there.

* * *

Swimming in place, racking my mind, trying to come up with things that just makes me work.

Falling into the deep despair of oblivion for a bit wasn’t fun. That ol’ familiar feeling of mine, that frenemy has reared its ugly head again the past couple of days and I was scared. I was frightened that it would be that way again for quite some time.

But there is a light, a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see the darkness lifting.

It was dark for a while. That heavy weight on my soul, my heart, my spirits; suffocating me. It was hard to breathe, to see anything but the gloomy gloom of reality around me.

Death.

It’s been all around me. All around me.

I didn’t think I would take it that hard, but I did. Being back wasn’t happy times like before, even though there was that feeling that it was going to be gloomy days for a while. But I just didn’t want to be back.

Being up there was hard enough, seeing, feeling, everyone just in tears, crying. Seeing my brothers crying. Pangs of pain hit my heart.

But tis is life.

I thought I was done, through, over with it. I was feeling better. Smiles came easily enough, as do laughs and jokes, but things turned.

As I stepped into the office, that heavy sinking feeling of falling into the deep abyss of the nethers grabbed me and it wasn’t going to let me go. I was falling back into the familiar, something that I thought I put behind me. It was tough.

I was suffocating in the mourning that was around. That atmosphere has changed because of what happened.

I couldn’t shake it. I thought i could, but I couldn’t. It weighed and weighed on me for a few days, at the happy hour and the day after.

Sigh.

It was just too too much for me to take.

Just too much for me to lose. Losing people is never fun.

* * *

Losing sight, losing thought. Just losing.

Not being able to see, not knowing what is to come, not knowing anything.

What is to become of everything, everyone, me, you, what is what?

The fear of the future leads to the hope of the future, hoping that everything will just turn out all right.

Dreams lay in limbo, waiting, hoping, that things turn out the way that they are supposed to be so that dreams can be achieved.

Just in a constant state of questioning the what and what as I reevaluate things in my life. Have I made the right choices, what can I change, how can I live my life differently than what it is now?

No regrets, but is that really the case? Do I actually regret choices that I’ve made?

Live and let live. Be whatever it maybe.

* * *

Dark tunnel spiraling down. Falling into oblivion as I am overcome by this dreaded ennui of epic proportions.

I haven’t been back in this state of despair in a long time and how long will this last? I am lost and gone as a heavy weight pushes down on me, weighing my heavy heart and soul, not able to breathe.

No smiles, as nothing can cheer me up.

I’m struggling to come up for air, finding that glimmer of hope, but this dark shroud is just too thick to punch through.

All I can do, all I can hope for, is that this isn’t like the days of yore and will dissipate soon because I don’t know if I can stand this feeling anymore after I have known better.

Searching for an embrace, arms folding and holding tight, squishing this feeling away, keeping it from where it matters most, my heart. Hoping, pleading that it goes away.

Hugs does nothing as I just got a good one, but it only wants me to drip drop even more; puddles at my feet, angst in my heart. Gone gone are the light and welcome the shade that I was once so familiar with.

Loss.

It’s tough being around it. Feeling it. Sensing it. Nothing is going to be the same anymore, but yet things will always be the same.

That dreaded complexity that is life and death. They both happen.

Maybe it is the full week I have of dealing with things, the constant pang hanging around me of what might be and knowing that it actually happened.

Losing someone, anyone, whether I was close to them or not, but knowing that I knew them and had good times with them just hurts me. Kills me.

I couldn’t bare it, I can’t stand it. Standing there like a zombie, unable to move, to look at anyone, to feel anything but this panging guilt in my heart, the constant pain that is constantly on my mind.

Death.

I’ve been around it too much. Too often.

Too many, way too many in my life time.

Five family members that I’ve been aware to be aware of, not counting others that I’ve lost along the way and did not understand because I was too young. Too many.

Now six, not family, but a family of a different kind; a work family, the head of the house.

It’s tough seeing all of this doom and gloom that is around, people are different, people are changed.

Can’t see. Can’t be. His kids. I didn’t see, but know for sure I couldn’t stand. Why o’ why must it be?

Life.

It just is.

Sigh.

I put on

(unfinished)

Alone

The morning sun shines brightly in this perfect Northwest morning, shining down another day for us to go through.

It shines unbiased, not caring if someone wishes if it should be a rainy day to match their mood or couldn’t care less if it is something that someone wanted, a perfect shiny morning.

No, it just shines because that is what it was meant to do today, in this lovely morning.

I’ve been having dreams and visions, and in them you are always right beside me.

Sitting here again, the second day of my trip up in the NW, I just type my little diddy so my fingers don’t get rusty. I should be doing other writing, but my mind couldn’t track back to what I wanted to write. It’s the wrong environment, the wrong time, as I feel that since I’m away from my norm, that I should go back to writing that isn’t of the “norm”, hence the extended blabblings of 1s and 0s.

Finger crunching as my thoughts just stream down to my fingers and type at their own will, hoping that I can clearly find a focus and write something with a little structure and some thought.

But it seems my mind is just racing, racing since my focus left me years ago. I can’t seem to stay on any thoughts long enough for it to come to fruition. It pops and goes; my mind just races and doesn’t want to be slowed.

Maybe it is true that I have nothing much to just ramble about anymore. My therapy is done as I just go through about my daily routines and just try to fit in in a world where no one really fits in. I just go about my bidness and hope that it doesn’t bother anyone and hope that no one bothers me.

* * *

Family.

Family gathers today, the day before, to catch up and prepare. Slowly we will be receiving uncles and other relatives from afar and gather at my auntie’s. Preparing, getting ready for the day that lies ahead. A long ceremony that I’ve gone through quite a few times and don’t wish to go through anymore, but that is a false dream because I know better. But, it is good to hope, to exercise your optimism.

Bouts of breaking down and holding it in. Tearless cracks as I see my sisters for the first time and have them cry on my shoulder, me holding them so tight, consoling them. It is painful to me to see and watch and see anyone older than me, especially my elders cry. I hate it. I don’t understand it, but it does.

Maybe it is because they are older, should be stronger. Only kids cry and they are no kids. They’ve gone through so much in their life, they should be hardened, but I guess not.

I guess I just hate it when I see people cry.

But I didn’t think I would take it as hard as I did as I went out yesterday afternoon trying to find a knee brace. I’ll just crack here and there just thinking, remembering about earlier times that this happened, earlier deaths.

Tragedy.

Fond memories of growing up and just hanging out with my favorite auntie, uncle, and my cousins. Our families were the closest. My brother and I would always hang out at their house while growing up and my dad and mom would always visit all of the time, sometimes spending holidays together.

My uncle is the oldest and my dad was the youngest of the siblings.

But it just seems that as we grow older, starting new families, having our separate lives, moving away, things drift apart. Moving further away, our get togethers and random visits are further and further apart, but each event tend to be bigger and bigger.

I’ve missed out on quite a bit of them just because I’ve been away for so long.

I haven’t seen this auntie since Christmas. I wasn’t able to see her when I was up here last. Time just got away from me.

Family.

Life.

Sigh.

* * *

Readers.

Vegas.

Apparently there is a returning visitor on this empty void that is from Vegas. I can’t for the sake of me figure out who it is. I don’t know anyone in Vegas, or at least I don’t think I do.

I wonder who it is.

* * *

It’s a beautiful day today, temperate and sunny. Perfect for me. I wonder how things are going to be tomorrow. Rainy?

It just seems that any funeral day seems to be a rainy day. I wonder if tomorrow is going to be any different. Only the memorials tend to be better days.

* * *

Fantasies.

Listless day and night dreamings.

Wanting and needing the touch that I so desire. The affection and close proximity of just human contact, physical, and not much more. Just a morsel of tenderness shared between lips and flickering moistness of tongues.

Being a guy, it’s not a stretch that I think about it so much, but I do. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had any in a few months, but I sure miss it.

Maybe it is more than just the physical and that I need the emotional also, but I don’t know.

I’ve had that close proximity for a bit and it was a little too suffocating to me. The bird in me feels caged and my wings couldn’t spread and fly.

Physical. Just what I want for the moment, but I don’t know if I’m able to do it.

The last time was a nighter, no more no less. I was able to do it, but again, it was with someone familiar. I wonder if I’m able to do it with a stranger or someone I have never been with.

I don’t know.

I have many scruples, but it seems that they change as my mindset changes, as I get older or as I feel the need for a change.

I would like to think that I’m able to do it, because as long as both parties agree and understand what it is, that is all that matters. ‘Cause, it is what it is. There’s only meaning to it if you put the meaning to it. But it’s tricky if both parties aren’t on the same page.

Can I be that detached? Have I lost my feelings of humanity?

For the longest time I think I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’ll get attached emotionally because that is the type of person that I am. Sex is something that I valued, but I think that was just the romantic in me, that I wanted, that I needed to do it with someone I had a deep emotional connection with.

But now, I don’t know.

I think I’m at the point where if a stranger that I’m somewhat attracted to wanted to get down, I’ll get jiggity with it.

But that is all speculation when it comes to me until it actually happens. I’m the act and decide on the spot and actually experience to know what I can and cannot do. This is one of those.

I would like to believe I can do it…but sometimes I think I know myself too well and know that maybe I can’t.

Sigh.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why.

And it’s not because it is a cockfest here at Tully’s.

I know that if I do end up alone, I will definitely know why. It’s my own doing, my own weakness of needing to protect myself.

I just don’t want to get hurt. I know it is stupid of me to think that way, but it is. I can’t do it. I don’t think I can.

There is nothing left in this small weak heart of mine, nothing more. No more attachments. I’m just too afraid. Scared. Deathly afraid of losing someone and have my heart shatter again.

I can’t take it anymore. No more. There are still pieces missing from the last time that my heart shattered. No more.

I know that I will most definitely miss out on a big part of life, a huge part of life, magical moments that will make me all gooey and melty, but I don’t think I can take it.

All I have left in me is for my brother, my mother, and my son. There’s no more space. I can’t take it anymore.

* * *

A confused mess, that is what I am.

Seeing myself grow old with no one but my dog and when he’s gone, another dog.

But yet at the same time, I have this strong growing sense of optimism that feels that everything will work out in the end. Things are going to work out marvelously as any real life situation will work out.

I will find someone. I will grow old with someone. I’m not worried. It’ll happen.

For some reason, this optimism is growing. I thought about it a bit yesterday, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger.

I stated this before a few years back that I was going to meet someone by the end of the year and that year it did happen, albeit of course things had to end, but I did.

I have that same feeling again. I’m going to meet someone by this year’s end. Strangely enough, I have faith in it, and the end of the year is only a few months away.

Sigh.

It seems that Ms. Ma’am likes it that I have this faith of finding someone by year’s end. She’s not a fan of my negativity or the idea of me not really wanting to be with someone ever.

I actually wonder can I really do it, can I really spend the rest of my life alone. There are times when I actually feel that way. There are times when that feeling is STRONG, very strong. Maybe it is because of seeing how my friends’ marriages aren’t all shiny blingy bliss that is very off putting to me.

It’s probably the hopeless romantic in me that expects it to be nothing less than shiny blingy bliss. I know I should know better, but I don’t. I need to squish this side of me quick…. Kill the hopeless romantic in me. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

Show me show me show me how you do that trick/the one that makes me scream she said

Just Like Heaven will just have to wait until it arrives, but in the mean time I’ll have to just settle for my flirty flirtations with people around me.

Just waiting to spin(ning) on that dizzy edge, I kiss her face, I kiss her face. Just waiting to be in love with you.

The touch and go superficialness of mcflirty teases and nothing more. The noncommitalness of those single moments of heart palpitations that boil and simmer, boil and simmer, until the next time and the next moment and the next girl.

It’s been a long time coming, a long whiles going, a long long time since I’ve written in this journal.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write. No, a lot has happened since my last post that needed to be put down for my own sake, but I just had other responsibilities that I needed to get to…my script, which I have been drastically procrastinating on. I’m at a block that I’m trying to trudge forward, unafraid of what it is that I need to write. Just diving head long in. I need that.

But my jittery fingers and just unfocused mind just needs to put something into words and sentences, just need to get focus and clear the mind and just let things ooze.

Yesterday, August 23, 2009, 2nd auntie passed away.

It came as a surprise to everyone. She wasn’t sick. In fact, she was really healthy, in good shape. Apparently she started to exercise and lost a lot of weight. But here she is, gone, taken away.

There’s no reason. It’s just how it is. Life. This shitter called life. Shit happens and there’s nothing we can do about it. Nothing. It happened for no rhyme or reason. Just happened. Life.

Am I just too detached with things, reality to actually expect something like this and not be okay, but not surprised? It happened. Shit happens. I’ve had my fill of it. My family had our fill of it. From dad, to 2nd uncle…and now, 2nd auntie.

And to think people don’t understand why I don’t have faith. Faith in a Greater Being, faith in God. Faith that there is more to life than just this, that there is some incomprehensible meaning to life, some ultimate “wow” me. I’m the existentialist. This is life and things just happen. There’s no reason for it. It just is.

There’s no meaning to these deaths. None at all.

What was the fucking purpose of dad going away? What was the purpose? Did it change things ultimately? Maybe, maybe not. No one can tell.

2nd uncle and now 2nd auntie? What the fuck for? Huh? WHAT THE FUCK FOR?

There’s no fucking reason at all. None.

It just is. Life just goes. People come in, people go out. That’s how it is and always will be.

The funeral is going to be on September 5th.

The first decade of the oughts is coming almost over (depending on how you want to see it).

For these past almost 10 years, nothing but shit. Every 2-3 years something big happens. Someone goes. Fuck that shit. Fuck it.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it, so fucking tired of it. FUCK!

No more tears. I’m all dried out. I have no more. I can’t feel anymore. I’m cold, stone cold. Nothing for me to feel, nothing there anymore. There’s just no more.

My tears ran out a long time ago. A fucking long time ago. Just no more. None. No more tears, dry eyes that will only get drier.

To go, not naturally in the way of dad or even 2nd uncle, but to go the way 2nd auntie did? Where’s the reason? Where?

God work in mysterious ways. No one understand his purpose. FUCK THAT SHIT. There is no purpose for what happened. None.

NONE. I curse you, yes I do.

I’m going to fucking hell anyway, what do I have to fucking lose. Really. What do I have to fucking lose?

The poor woman bleed dry in the hospital and no one helped her. People who swore an oath to help those that are in need of medical attention, they didn’t do fucking shit. Nothing. Gave her morphine and sent her home? Some help.

Body probably went to shock because of the loss of blood on top of the fall that she suffered when she tried to get out of bed….brain hemorrhaging. Fucking great. Where’s the purpose?

Where is it?

Are we going back to the Old Testament where YOU are a Jealous God? A Vindictive motherfucker? Are we, killing people left and right because they don’t do your bidding. Making all these demands and sending down all of these rules and if your “sons” don’t follow, you kill them. You don’t protect them.

Where is the loving God that everyone preaches about? Where? Where is the fucking New Testament God?

Sigh.

No more. No more tears. Dry. Gone.

Going back to how things are…my motto. Life is shit. Deal with it.

Buddhism, this is hell.

Sigh.

I just don’t understand. I just can’t see things with a glimmer of hope and optimism any more. My eyes are trained true, seeing life for what it is. The good. The bad. Everything in between.

That’s just life.

So blinded. People misled by faith, trying to find meaning into things they don’t understand, and being given a reason why they don’t understand them makes them feel better. “Ignorance IS bliss”.

* * *

The beautiful beautiful northwest. Shiny and bright. Green and fresh. Hot and humid. Beautiful.

I’m back up here for my usual usuals of visiting family and what not. Just up for the holidays since I won’t be coming up for the wedding(s) that will take place later this summer. I’m showing my face now.

Sitting at this drug dispenser and sipping on my other usual and just jotting down my thoughts and my ramblings.

I haven’t done this in a while, so it seems. I’ve just been busy busy as of late. Lazy busy.

So far the trip has been nice. It’s been pretty much filled with things so far, which is good.

Today is the 4th, and yet I don’t know what the plan is. Tomorrow, there’s a plan. Monday, I’ll wing something, but today, the 4th, no idea.

I’m finding it difficult getting into a steady grove and rhythm here, so I’ll just wing it as my slow tired mind tries to pick things up. Maybe the caffeine will help.

For the most part, things started out really well. Things are still going well. I welcome the nice and restful peace of don’t know what is planned.

The drive to Portland was uneventful, but I had a great time catching up with some coworkers down in the Portland office. Just sitting, bullshitting, and catching up. My kind of thing.

Then it was off to see Julie and the kids. The kids were great as usual, though they did have their lil’ hissy fits, especially Emerson. Hissy fit central right there. It’s not that they are spoiled, I don’t think, but it’s just the lack of understanding and the selfishness of kids. But it is very cute that Mason is calling Emerson “bad” for crying. A lil’ too cute.

But it was also nice to just chat with Julie and catch up on things. Family drama, family business, and just what is happening in general. We kept if mostly to everyone but me, besides the general and that is nice. I can’t complain.

Not bad at all.

The next day was a light day, for it was only a dinner. That too was nice, catching up with my younger cousins. Just talking and bullshitting as usual, catching up and what not. It was all right. Can’t complain, since I haven’t seen some of them since before I moved down to Los Angeles. But strangely, many believed that i was going to actually move up or that I was moving up. Don’t know where that rumor started, but I set them straight that it was more that if I have to move up, I would be okay with it.

Yeah, this blog is just ugh, as I still struggle to figure something out, to catch that groove that just slips and sails and falls away from my brainy brain grasp.

The best day so far, the long day so far was the trip to Richmond/Vancouver BC. It was excellent. A long long day as we went about and just get a feel, see Vancouver and experience the magic that is Richmond.

Went to Kirin restaurant for some dim sum. THE BEST DIM SUM I HAD IN OVER 10 YEARS IF NOT MY LIFE. Wow.

Wow just doesn’t do it justice. The Sui Mai, the Har Gow, the braised stomach and tendons, EVERYTHING was just wow. The jumbo bitefuls of shrimp in the Har Gow with no fillers. The shrimp and fat meat in the Sui Mai. The just well balance of crispy mein and glossy sauce that is just at the right texture, not too thick, not too thin. Just perfect.

Awww, food. I love food. I can move anywhere that just have great food. I can totally move to Richmond and be okay with it.

But then we had quite a few hours to spend before the Tai Pai Dong, or the Richmond Summer Night Market. So, we went to a few places that Hien’s friend recommends and others that Delicate Flower did. We passed the time and ventured out to Chinatown in Vancouver also.

But then the night market. It was cool. Just a bunch of local vendors coming up and pitching up tents and sell their stuff. A Bite of Richmond slash artist festival and swap meet type thing. Very interesting.

Lots of good food. One really can’t go wrong with meat on a stick. You really can’t.

It was a long long day yesterday, but it was a great day of just doing things and hanging out with my brother and mother.

* * *

Sigh. Finally finished. Finally done. Turned in and let it hang.

In the Light is done. No more working on it or putting it off. It actually didn’t turn out that bad actually. Not that it’s that good to begin with because it was just a thrown together script, but technically it’s not bad for what it was.

I just finished it. Tired of putting it off. Stayed up and put in the work, the time, the effort and it got done.

Scott and Rutledge said it wasn’t that bad. The sound work was good.

Now, like Scott said, we just have to put all of my skills and the good things that I did for each short together and make a really good one.

APS just got rejected by the San Diego Asian Film Festival.

Eh..

* * *

Love Me or Him

Patiently waiting, knowing me and my quirks, nothing is going to happen.

Not sure what my royally confused mind is going to do or what, all I can do is just silently and patiently wait. There is nothing that I can do. Nothing at all.

I just don’t know what it is, as pressure pressure is running on a low wave length that I do pick up but isn’t overt enough to warrant a discussion. Just a simple acknowledge and ignore suffices.

There is nothing I can do right now and that is that. I just don’t know what I want. Nothing at all.

Wait and experience and go through the daily things that I do go through and need to see and feel and just be and things will eventually go there as this general mass confusion of mine will just subside and come to a point.

A Point.

What is that point, I don’t know. Future is too murky for me to see. Just a silver haze of I don’t know, but I’m being optimistic.

Something will happen.

I had it set in my head already as I already told him. When I get a chance I will take that step on London Bridges.

And surely it happened. I totally didn’t expect it nor was it actually planned out as that, but it happened.

Just a simple passing. The formalities are given and out of the way but things seem to stay in the air. Maybe her spidey senses felt something and warned her something was up.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her stop and turn as I continue to where it is I was going to go. More formalities and I ask, but she’s busy. Next week and it is on.

Simple.

No pressure, nothing awkward, just what the what and it felt right.

No expectations and nothing nothing but just flowing with the flow of the current that directs my life. A whim of fancy.
‘O rest my fickle heart
Beating for the novel
Settle and steady
Pound as things turn
To the familiar and mundane
Palpitate then and I will know
My heart beats for life
But there is no one, nothing that makes my heart beat the beat but me and my delusions.

Just things in my head as I live out fantasy over fantasy again and again coming to the same conclusion that I’m a work in progress, working to fix the things that are majorly broken.

My writing is slipping, slowly slipping away from me, not able to come back and help me finish up whatever it is that I need to finish. My current scripts, my future projects, my twing twang of nonsense has been gone.

I sit and stare, sit and stare for the most part each day that I come out here and try to write, try to jot down my thoughts, my characters’ latest escapades of finding love and going to hell. I have lost my touch to put words into meaningful sentences that make up the script.

I have lost my way.

I don’t know why this has happened. I was so gung-ho about the writing, but maybe I just got side tracked by APS to really fall back on and follow through. It’s a block, a break, a misconnection that I can’t seem to shake and get back.

I see the thing unfold before me, but maybe it is that lil’ small voice in my head again that just plagues my securities, creating self doubt about what I can really do. Or maybe it is just I’m lazy. Or maybe I’m just afraid of success. I would like to believe it is the latter.

It’s not like there is a lot of stuff on my mind. There really isn’t much. Nothing much at all.

It’s not like I’m always that tired to just not do it. I come out, I sit, I stare. I’m ready to write, ready to jot, ready to create and imagine the world of my characters unfold before the page creating circumstances for themselves of their own undoing. Their choices should manipulate the flow of the script, but it just never seems to unfold properly, smoothly, if at all.

Small spurts of inspiration form a few number of pages that doesn’t amount to much of progress. Things are just going slow, things are just not flowing the way that it should. Just a simple misconnect on what I want to say and what really happens.

I just find excuses why I don’t want to do it, pushing things aside, saying it doesn’t feel right, I’m tired, I’m not focused. I’m treating this ambition as a joke. Am I losing it? Is it already gone?

Distractions are plenty, but I just have no will power not to be distracted. I welcome the distraction. An excuse not to write. I’m just not serious about it right now I guess.

Maybe it is just the fear of completion of it. I don’t know. I just can’t focus, no focus, none. Done.

Trouble mind as it thinks about the unknown future, trying to rest its heart, telling it not to fear the unknown, the unsecure, the emptiness that is ahead of him, slowly to be filled in a current present.

Trouble mind as it thinks about the thing that is just left hanging, not knowing what to make of things, not knowing what the fuck is going on as it just tries to figure things out.

Trouble mind.

I skip my usual usual and do the other usual today as I type my little therapy not knowing what it is that I want to fix.

I just sit and sit and try to put my trouble mind at ease as things just seem so out of control, as I get flustered by the small things that happened today.

A missing card that eventually became found. Extra charges for an exorbitant amount that I cannot afford. A paycheck that can only barely cover rent.

What hard times we live in, with me thinking about things that I totally don’t have control over.

Coming soon are the days where more will be left out in the cold, shocked with their shattered dreams of WTF!

And all I can do is just hope that I’m not one of those unlucky ones that are left out in the void of WTF. I know I just can’t afford it with the economy in a recession. I just don’t know what it is that I would do.

I just have to put these feelings aside, this lost feeling of things out of my control. They are out of my control and I should just let it be. Whatever happens happen. That is my mantra. That is my life.

That is how things are.

* * *

Is my time over? Is this just it?

Things are slowly changing and changing as I go about my life. They are changing because they must, that’s how life is.

I have no control over it. Things have to change because of factors, people getting jealous, things I don’t understand, because that is how the world turns.

Life.

Going back to a normal week, I just want things to fall back into place again.

As it is getting warm outside, summer is officially here in the Southland. Things are coming back to normal.

Things are just changing. There’s a feeling just creeping up next to me.

I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it.

Is it that time again? Is it?

It is still a few weeks away, but has it started already or is it just my general fatigue of tiredness and body screaming?

I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it is that time again. It’s just too soon.

Maybe seeing Z yesterday just put things into perspective or just made me even more lost than I was.

Maybe I just feel like I need to do something, to start something soon. I don’t know.

Maybe I just need to just let things happen and allow for the possibility. Don’t fret and relax. Stop contemplating and thinking so much about everything. I just need to just relax…breathe breathe breathe.

Things are going back to normal as the weekend is coming to an end and I will eventually get back to work. Going back to put the finishing touches on the short and to go back to the rewrite of my current project.

Things will go back to normal as I just find regular ways to keep busy, thinking about trips I can make with my beloved Pickles.

Climbing up a hill to that far gone Castle, staking our claim to that throne. Just enjoying the brand new summer season that is upon us, enjoying the heat, getting burned and tanned.

Just enjoying the great outdoors that I enjoy so much but am too afraid to just go and explore.

What is there to be afraid of? Just go and go.

Taste the Rainbow.

Stop the worry warting of worriers anonymous. Just go and live carefree, free from the cage and the cave that is more comfortable than anything else that I have experienced.

Taking on the responsibilities that my parents taught me to be, becoming the man that I am destined to be….life is rushing me by.

It’s about that time again. Just about that time.

I don’t know how I am going to react. Every year, it gets a little easier, but I don’t know about this year. Will it hit me with the force of a semi-truck or do its creep creep thing which I think it is doing?

It is something that I know won’t ever be fixed at all, but it is something that I can deal with.

It’s about that time. Soon. A few more weeks. Less than a month away.

Soon.

* * *

Maybe it is my delusion of grandeur or my wicked sense of newfound optimism that just struck me by surprise a couple of years ago, but I feel that things are just going to be better this year. In the sense that someone will make an appearance in my life this year, and that someone might be the “proverbial” one.

Maybe I just said it and now I have to believe it like I did a couple years ago with my declaration of finding someone by year’s end and it happened. I don’t know.

Saying to Willow yesterday, it just felt right. It just makes sense.

I don’t know who it is, but I have a feeling it is someone new, someone I haven’t met yet. I don’t know who she is. Maybe I have met her before, but just never gone out. I don’t know.

Lots of questions, but a sense of satisfaction in believing it.

I am the hopeless romantic, I know I am. Huge, and it is rearing its ugly head again.

Too hopeful? Maybe. I’m not building up my hopes, for it will come crashing down, but I will definitely allow for the possibility.

It is coming, coming.

Maybe I’m just rushing into it because I do want to start a family and seeing baby Z did make me a little jealous and just reaffirms my clock is ticking. I would like one, or two, or three, or seven as I so proclaim.

But that is coming. That Month is almost upon us. The feeling that I can’t shake. It’s coming coming coming. I can feel it in my bones.

I can’t help but not think about it.

Maybe I just need to calm my heart, calm my soul, and accept it.

I know I have, I know that it’s been years, and I know it happened, moved on and gotten better, but a large part of my soul is missing. Gone. Gone gone, and it is coming.

The Month is coming.

Soon, it will be here and I hope that I can take it in stride, that it will be quick and painless, that it will be just an afterthought.

* * *

My mortality.

It ticks away as it does with everyone else.

My mortality.

It’s coming.

The Month is almost upon us.

* * *

A lost wonderment as I don’t hear the sweet sing songs of a nightingale anymore. Instead it is just the soft punches of keys and visual text. No tone, no context, as we try our best to communicate as we usually do.

Gone gone, a passing gone of gone-ness as we bid farewell to what it was and how it was for it will never be the same again.

As the Hulk emerges from an unlikely Dr. Banner, which surprised the both of us.

Gone gone as you are Betty Ross, calming it into submission.

You do what you can, gone gone.

Gone.

Running, racing through life in a standstill of wonderment as I just watch the life that I lead pass me by, making sweet memories in split seconds time, not even knowing I made those memories myself until upon reflection.

Racing, running through life, trying to figure out where it is that I’m supposed to go, but ultimately knowing that it doesn’t matter where I’m going or whether I will ever get there, but knowing that how I get there is all that matters.

Running, racing, walking, pacing, slowing down to just enjoy the moment, live in the moment, turning my 360s at a given moment to just see what is around me, taking everything in. Enjoying my life at the pace that I feel comfortable with, taking in all the moments that I can, ’cause I know in the next moment things will change as memories will become older memories.

Slow. Turtles. Snails. Slowing down to a crawl as I just enjoy the moment. No point looking back all the time or looking ahead so far, ’cause everything is out of your control.

Control freak. Taking charge, wanting to manipulate everything to work for you. To work for me. Control.

Trying to make a play out of life, out of everyone’s experience, making everyone the lead in this so-called play called life.

Present will eventually be a scene and then the scene within the scene will be another scene within the scene in that other scene to represent the life that we have, trying to capture it so we can study it and bring life to art.

But ultimately you can’t capture the true essence of life in art, ’cause art is fake, just an artists representation of what he/she thinks is true to represent that moment or that medium of life that he/she is experiencing at that one moment.

Life is just this and should just be left to be lived.

Ultimately in the end, one needs to stop trying to take control of everything, manipulating everything that he or she does in one’s life and stop taking direction from a director and ultimately start taking direction from themselves.

They are the one that needs to start doing what they tell themselves that they need to do.

Start to listen to yourself, start to do and direct yourself. Not others.

They have their own directors. They need to direct themselves through everyday experiences, through life, until they give their final direction “Die”.

Death.

* * *

Old.

Maybe it’s coming; maybe there is actually a darkness that is surrounding me, a ennui that just popped out of nowhere.

I don’t know what it is, but I actually do feel something. Not wanting to get out of bed this morning might be nothing more than just being tired, or it could be something more sinister.

Did turning a new number have something to do with this general blahness of blahs, or is it something else?

Did I get the germy germ that my cousin has and she passed it onto me?

What is it? What is it indeed?

I have no idea, but there is actually something there. I feel it. Just a general off-ness in me that I can’t pinpoint.

I think it is too early for the other big thing, but I do know that it is around the corner.

Maybe knowing my mortality is fast approaching is just in my head. Knowing what happened to my father and seeing that turning another year means it’s another year closer to the age when he passed.

I honestly don’t know what it is.

Eventually it’ll pass. Eventually it’ll fade and I’ll be back to myself.

* * *

Risk.

Taking the jump, making the move. Am I ready for it?

Am I really ready for it?

I don’t know.

Looking for something new, reverting back to something old, or just not look at all and just see how things go?

I don’t know. Anyway, I still will have to take the action once given the opportunity to take the action.

Fearless.

What is there to lose?

The general awkwardness that comes with it? Working and helping will no longer be the same?

Sigh.

My general indecision. Not knowing what to make of anything, not knowing how to act, not knowing what to do, not knowing anything in general.

Just going ahead blindly like the three blind mice, finding their way, getting what they want…ultimately.

* * *

Quiet.

There’s a general stillness in the air today. All is quiet. Nothing roaming around.

As I sit here, just watching, thinking, pontificating…there’s a stillness around. Quiet.

Watching the many girls that pass by, and me not making any kind of move. Just sitting and watching.

Am I back to where I was or is it something else?

I don’t know what it is, but is it just mere coincidence that I just turned another number?

Maybe it is the lack of sleep for the past couple of weeks catching up to me. My body screams for me to go get some rest, to just chill, and sleep and catch up.

But I’m tired. Tired.

* * *

Maybe my ear is telling me something too.

I’m 30, stop wearing the earring fucker!

It has been getting infected for the past couple of months. Since I flew back to Washington for Christmas.

On and off. I’ll take it off and it’ll get better after a few days. I put it back on and it will get infected weeks later.

Maybe I am just done. Done done done, and I need to take it off.

Maybe this small lil’ silver hoop is holding me back in growing up…maybe not.

I think I will just have to leave it off and call it a day. Call it my life. It has been with me through my 20s and my first day of being 30. Now it is gone. Gone forever. A bygone memory only captured in images and my memories.

Things are changing. Forced and divine intervention.

Just shit happening to make me change my tune.

I really don’t want to see it go. It has been a part of my identity for so long, my lil’ hoop, but now it is gone. I have to bid it adieu.

Goodbye.

Sigh.