First it was a whirlwind relationship that blossomed over a week. It all started with a chance meeting sharing a cigarette. Now, it’s into the relationship and all the usual bullshit that comes with it.

What is to come? How will it end? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

* * *

I sit here aging. Growing second by second, minute by minute. It will never change. This will be the case till I my final minutes, till my final seconds.

Tis is life and there is no escaping it.

There’s no point in reminiscing in the past and living in the warm nostalgia. There’s no point in fretting about the unknown future. Whatever will come, will come and who is to say that it won’t?

Time beats on. Time goes on forever, even when all the clocks have lost their ability to keep track of time.

Time is the ever elusive constant of life.

There will always be beats that ticks and ticks and ticks.

* * *

Prose.

Been writing a lot of prose lately, well more so than usual.

Prose.

It’s not good. But I don’t think it is that horrendous either. It is what it is.

My latest was the longest and most involved short story I had ever written. It was based on a prompt by Ms. D.

Prompt: WORST Date. Ever

For the most part, I did just that. Wrote about what I think would be the worst date ever, but it’s open to a lot of interpretation as to what is the worst date.

I finished it and turned it in at the nick of time. Just a few minutes before it was due.

I actually had fun with it. It’s been a while since I had fun writing something. Everything else felt like a chore, but these little prompts were fun. Especially this one, because I was so ambitious with it.

Two characters. Alternating from each perspective. Written in different writing styles.

Quinn’s part was written in a more straightforward usual prose. Very sparse of colorful language and words.

Melissa’s part was written in the vein of chick-lit; chock full of inner monologues and questions.

It was definitely fun. It was definitely a challenge.

Overall, I am happy with the finished product, even though I know it still can use a lot of work and it has a lot more untapped potential.

It was a first draft and I need to remember that it is a first draft. It can be reworked and be better.

* * *

Looking over my writing, reading it over, seeing my style of prose and how I write, I know that it isn’t really that good.

Listening or even reading more polished and professional prose, those of David Levithan, Rachel Cohn, and even John Green, I see that my writing is lacking. I am holding back, afraid that the length is long, afraid of how I write.

Their writing is bold. Their writing is simply better.

Eventually, one day, I’ll reach that level of prose and hopefully maybe surpass it.

Here’s hoping.

* * *

She’s not here today.

I usually have been seeing her on the weekends, in her little group. I don’t know whether she was studying or just doing something else, but I would always see her.

I wonder what he story is. I don’t even know what her name is.

I know that she works here from time to time. That is all I know.

We’ve been seeing each other from time to time here on a customer/server capacity for a while now. We usually do our Hi’s as I place my order and I just go off to the table and focus on whatever work I was doing that day.

I’ve seen her at the Sushi Stop and here on her off days.

It’s been a while and she knows nothing of me as I know nothing of her.

One day we just started to talk a little more. Just a little bit and a little bit.

Slowly it builds and builds and still there is just really nothing. It is just two passing strangers that have a built in relationship of customer/server. Nothing more.

Soon she found out a little more about me. She found out that I understand Cantonese.

She was sitting there in her little study group as I coined it and she was talking to one of her friends who was working. She was asking her to sing a song, Happy Birthday and I just heard and laughed.

She noticed that I understood what she was saying and she asked me about it.

I told her a little. I understand a little. I understand a lot, enough actually, but I just told her a little.

She’s cute. Not bad looking at all. I wonder who she is. What is she like? I wonder…

Will I get to see her again today? I doubt it. She’s not here and there are no signs that she’ll be here.

I just sit here and continue what it is that I am doing, which is trying to get back to the times of yore where I can just write and write and write and get my thoughts out of my head.

I just write.

* * *

The above, not good writing at all.

* * *

Slowly drifting away.

It glides away leaving my heart with the heaviness that it has grown quite accustomed too. It is the heaviness before the break, the healing that it must do. It is the pain of the right direction, the pain of release.

Eventually it’ll just melt away as my heart just freezes up again, putting up its natural defenses and not anyone in.

But history tends to repeat itself. Someone will just find the chink in my heart’s armor and start chipping away at it, letting the warmth melt the ice away allowing me to feel again.

Me, feeling is never a good thing because it’ll always end with me in pain.

Heart pains.

The story of my life.

I think it is poetic that I have heart problems, a whole family history of heart problems. My murmur, heart disease, chest pains. Just fitting.

It is the only way for a person like me, a person with such a huge heart, to live, just full of heart problems.

Let’s see how long it lasts, let’s see who is the next person that can chip away and melt this heart of mine.

Let’s just see.

Just about 11 days until I turn a new number. Just about 11 days before I usually do my yearly diatribe of another year older, another year wiser. Just about 11 more days.

That yearly diatribe isn’t going to happen on the 10th exactly for I’ll be on the road, but it might. I don’t know.

Just about 11 more days.

Right now, I don’t know what it is that I want to write? Do I even have enough to write about given how I feel stagnate as of late?

I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just figure something out. I guess I just have to. Can’t just let a tradition I have just die like this. No. It won’t.

* * *

For the past couple of months I have been feeling a little fatigued. For even longer I felt a sense of cloudiness in my head. I can’t focus. I can’t put thoughts into words that matter. I couldn’t do much of anything at all.

I’ll find any excuse to procrastinate, to not do whatever it is that I needed to do or wanted to do. Any excuse and I think I might have found the solution. My health.

The blood results came back from my doctor visit and everything that I thought could possibly be wrong with my body checked out okay. It is just that I am Vitamin D deficient.

It’s quite common.

The thing that bugs me about this whole thing is that I’d been taking supplements for it for a few months now and it still hasn’t done much of anything at all. Nothing.

Hopefully taking the prescription supplements will help me get back into form, ’cause I hate this feeling.

I feel so blah. There’s that blahness of ennui that I can’t shake. It isn’t quite the old familiar friend of mine, but a different level of it that I just think it is worse.

With my old familiar friend, at least I know what it is. This other feeling, I can’t put into words. It’s just a lazy daze of consciousness and it is not good at all.

Hopefully I’ll be back to form, back to normal before my birthday trip. Here’s hoping.

* * *

I don’t know when it started to happen; maybe it was just this new year or maybe it had been growing on me for quite some time now, I’m not sure, but I’m starting to get a little bored of my life.

I have so many ideas and creative ventures that I want to do, but they are out of the norm.

In terms of photography, I’m bored with what I usually do. In terms of screenwriting, I’m bored with it.

I need something new, something different.

I have started to change it up a little bit with the collaboration with Bradley and also with the writing prompts to write more prose, but I think I need something more.

In terms of photography, I think I’m just at a standstill because I’m just impatiently waiting for my new camera. But I know that is just an excuse brought upon by this newfound blahness of mine.

I need to do something. I need to do it and just do it.

Just do it.

It just seems my life is pushing me into a certain direction. It is certainly a direction that I definitely need to take and a direction that I need to choose to take, but I do feel that it is time for another change.

Just when I thought I’d gotten comfortable in my life it is time for another change in my life.

Like last year had been a year of socializing, this year will be an extension of that. It’s a year that will push my boundaries a year that will definitely change me into a different person. I just hope it changes me into a better person.

There is this sense in me that I need to go out more, to meet new people, and do different things. There is this need to kind of hang with people instead of being stuck at home. There’s this this-ness of change that definitely feel needs to take place.

I just don’t know if I’m comfortable doing it. I love being who I am, here, now, but this lingering feeling is just nagging at me. I need to get out more. I need to change. I need to better myself.

Funny. Isn’t that what I tell myself all the time? Change? That I welcome change? That one of the biggest reasons for this blog of mine is to document the change and life evolution that I have gone through in these formative years of mine.

It is something that I need and I shouldn’t be afraid of doing it. I just need to man up and do it.

I think I just may have.

* * *

Sure there is that change that I’m trying to move on from Ms. D, but there’s still a part of me that is still latched on. I’m just trying to find someone else. No, scratch that. I’m trying to forget her and just be which is how it should be. I shouldn’t be searching, finding. I should just be.

I’ve been trying to get more hang out time or a date with B5. I like her, I do. She’s cute and I’m just trying to work that. I’m just trying to see where I can get and hopefully something will work. We’ll see. It’s just a game of patience and virtue and we all know how much I hate games.

Been hanging out with the Blocks more since the year started. There’s nothing there, just your usual sibling relationship. She’s just someone to hang out with and bounce things off of.

I do notice that girls are noticing me more. It’s just that I don’t know what it means. Curse my simple mind for not being able to decipher the intentions of the fairer sex. Curse me. Curse.

It is what it is and I just have to deal with it. Blah. Blah indeed.

I also just joined the company’s softball team. After listening to the glassed-middle-A talk about it, I got interested. I just need to go out and do something.

Hopefully it’ll be good and I’ll have fun with it.

Also, it gives me a good excuse to exercise. I need it. It’ll get me the bodily action I need to get in shape without having to “workout” at the gym. It’s a win win for me.

I just hope it’ll be good and fun.

* * *

Maybe it is time for me to grow up. Maybe approaching 33 is the magical number that is pushing me to finally grow up and get my act together.

It is the time of my mid-life/one-third-life crisis. It is time that I just need to get my shit together.

I don’t know what is the precursor that is pushing this through, but I definitely feel it.

Is it my biological clock? Is it that I’m feeling the pressure of needing to be with someone, to start a family, to finally settle down and just enjoy my life and experience this out of reach sensation of love?

Is that it?

I don’t know, but there is this need to be more proactive in my life.

I think I have been stagnating for a long time now and it is just time for me to break out of my cave and go explore. I’m starving and I need to find more fuel/food for my life. I need to grab whatever sustenance that can drive me and make me want to continue on.

I just need something, just a little bit. Just something more.

Something.

* * *

The year is a quarter of the way over, or well, almost a quarter of the way over and there’s still a lot more of it left.

What is in stored?

I don’t know, but I do have a feeling that things are going to change. It has to. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.

There is a burning desire in me to change, to do something.

I don’t even remember the last time I had a feeling like this.

No, this isn’t a feeling of me wanting to be in a relationship or a need for me to start a family or a need to settle down.

This is something more primal, more global, more general.

It is just a need to just change my life for the better.

Thinking about it, taking a step back and looking at it at a different perspective it is just a general and natural progression of growth. It is.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am comfortable with who I am. I have gotten to a point where I have accepted my faults as a person and welcomed all of the greatness that I am.

I’ve been comfortable for a long time now and it is just the right time in my life to change.

It just is.

And, I must.

I just need you now…

It’s been a while since I have put anything really meaningful into this thought bank of mine. It has been a long while indeed.

I am here, finally just thinking, working, being a little antsy and annoyed at the camera gods up in the cosmos trying to figure out why?! Why haven’t my Nikon D800 arrived yet? Why haven’t it shipped yet? Why did I fucking order from B&H? Why? Why? Why?

But it is something that I need to learn to let go. Just let it go. I have waited patiently this long for it to be actually released. A few more months isn’t going to kill me. Right? Who the fuck am I kidding? Fuck it to holy hell.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

I’m impatient.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

* * *

Rant…over.

It seems for the most part that the mysterious fatigue is gone. I am still tired, the zombie drone droning on in the real world, waiting for the inevitable zombiepocalypse. It’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of when. Will I be ready for it?

I’ll fit in like it is nothing.

Nothing at all.

Ever since I stopped sitting on the exercise ball and started to stretch out, my energy level started to get better. That constant fatigue and sore back eventually went away.

It just shows that I am getting older and just weaker. I need to exercise more. I am so low on energy that it is just mucking up my energy.

Maybe that is one of the reasons why I am feeling that I am hitting my midlife crisis. I am hitting it in full stride, not looking back, not fighting it. Head on. It’s going to happen anyway. Might as well face it head on and embrace it.

Embrace it.

* * *

I’m almost 33. That fateful day is forever approaching and I’ll be off in some foreign land named Arizona during that day in my car just driving with my trusty Pickles admiring the scenery.

It’ll be another good birthday trip, hopefully. It’ll be another great time by myself unwinding.

It just seems that the theme for this year is hermitude.

Sure I have been hanging out with Cynderblocks form time to time, whether it is for lunch and once in a blue blue blue moon it’ll be with B5, but there is a huge part of me that wants to just be on my own. I just want to recollect my thoughts and just focus on myself and just say fuck the world.

I have dialed back my social visits, especially those to Ms. D and I just need to focus on myself.

I don’t really understand where this sudden need came from, but it just seemed that since the beginning of the new year, or even maybe before then I just felt that I need to.

It’s not that I was burned out by all the socializing I was doing because I really didn’t socialize all that much in relation to most social people, but last year was definitely a very social year for me.

I don’t know. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe I just need to refocus and reprioritize my life.

What is important to me?

What is it that I need to do and what is it that I just need to let go and forget about?

Do I want to just work and focus on my hobbies, whether it is my photography or my writing or any other projects? Or is it that I just want to refocus my life on trying to find someone?

If it is the latter, I think it is more important to think if I actually want to be in a relationship first. I still have no idea what it is that I want.

Maybe I should just take the time off and not think about relationships for a while. I just need to forget and avoid girls, the female species, women. I just need to avoid the Y chromosome.

I just need to forget and find other things to occupy my mind.

And for the most part, I have been doing that with my little writing projects.

* * *

Unfocused.

There’s just been a lot of things on my mind recently and I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with this mysterious illness that I have or maybe I’m just getting old and I have subconscious itch to make a change in my life and I just don’t know what that change is yet.

I don’t know.

I don’t’ know much of anything right now.

That’s the story of my life.

Maybe my little vacation will help refresh my mind and get me back into the game of life. I’m definitely hoping that that is the case.

* * *

Blah..

I can’t do this.

Emotions.

It just flows out of me lately. I really don’t know why.

For some, it’s just that familiar spark that just packs a punch, lighting my tear ducts on fire. That familiar pulling of the heart string that reminds me of my long lost father.

It handicaps me; cracking, falling into that deep despair of hopelessness.

There’s nothing for me anymore.

Whatever that is I was latching on, that hope that I always come back to has darkened again. It seems like that is what has been happening as of late, the darkening.

* * *

Time.

I’m full of it, yet at the same time it feels like it is constantly running out. I’m on my last minute, my last second and It just seems I haven’t done anything to make my time here on this ignorant lonely planet worthwhile.

I know that The Fault in Our Stars, TFIOS says that our impacts are small and that it is okay, and I see the point. I do. We have to take each day and live it to the fullest, as the cheesy saying goes. We do.

And have I done it? In a way, there’s a mixed answer of yes and no.

I’m living my life, true to who I am. No compromises to my beliefs and who I am. I am not faking anything for the sake of fitting in. This is me. Take it or leave it.

I do take my adventures. I go to and fro, enjoying each trip, each endeavor as a new experience to a new state of zen.

The ultimate goal along with many others.

Zen.

Peace.

No more turmoil.

No more pain.

Leaving the mundane behind and embracing the peacefulness of everything that is around me. Life.

Life.

* * *

The tricky time of time. The constant ticking and tocking. The constant of it. Always the same beat, the same measure.

But time is marked in so many ways, by so many people. The relativity of it is a paradox.

Time can be so long and yet be so short.

Time.

Fascinated.

We are all marked by an end ticking. Our lives end on a single beat and yet the rest of the world still beats on.

Even in the end, time beats on, even when there is no one or nothing to keep track of it.

Time. It beats on.

* * *

Am I questioning my mortality?

Am I questioning my life up to this point?

Am I hitting another precipice in my life where I need to make a change?

My mid-life?

Maybe.

I’ll be 33 this year. It is coming up, just a little over a month away.

I know it is a little too young for the midlife, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is getting close to the anniversary of my dad’s passing also.

I don’t know. Just a general ennui.

An ennui of blah blahness in the blah-est manner.

Maybe a change is for the better.

I’m lost trying to find myself now…trying to find a better me.

I’m changing my way of dress and slowly in a way detaching myself from the world.

There’s still that boldness in me as evident in asking Ka-Kaw out on a whim, but I don’t expect anything to happen. In a way, I don’t care.

I’m lost. Again.

Wandering in this world, just hoping to find some place familiar to guide me back to where I once was.

Maybe I am stranded and need to find a new beacon. I need a new Fog Light to direct me.

Eventually I’ll find myself again.

I just hope that he is better than the person I know now.

Hopefully.

life’s too short to even care at all….

But in a way, I do care.  It just seems that my mind is lost in this constant fog of desire.  It isn’t a desire of love, but a quiet desperate desire of wanting to be with someone. 

It all goes back to this, and I think I am getting to the point where I am just a little pathetic.  I’m just a little pathetic lost puppy wanting to be found.

It has to stop.  It just needs to stop.

All of this attention given to girls that aren’t interested.  Why?

Why am I like that?  Sure there is the attention that I give and the little that I receive, but is that all?  Or is there something different?  It seems that all I’m approaching are the girls that I have no chance with or know that it isn’t going to work out.  They are too young. 

Their life just barely beginning.

Why am I just silently, willingly torturing myself?  Why?

It just needs to stop.  I think it is this, this this, that is just making me sick. 

My body is fatigued.  I am tired.  My tired body is rebelling against me. 

There is something wrong with me.

*    *    *

I’m tired. 

My body.  Is. Tired.

I haven’t been this tired in a long time.  This is out of the ordinary.  This is not normal.

There might be something wrong with me and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There’s a part of me that thinks I’m just out of shape.  I just need to start working out again, getting my body into shape, my stamina up.  I just need to work out to get more energy.

Another part of me thinks that my dear old friend is back again.  But I don’t know.  This doesn’t feel like the deep dark depression that I am familiar with.  I don’t even want to call it a depression, because for the most part, I do feel fine.  It’s not even the blah of the blahness ennui that strikes me from time to time. 

Emotionally, I do feel fine.

I feel fine.

Yet, there is the part of me that is very soft and sensitive.  Thoughts of dad just tighten my heart.  It pulls at the strings and I miss him even more, pulling the tears from my eyes.  I miss the man.

But my body is screaming.  It is tired.

There might be something seriously wrong with me.  It could just be a nerve thing from sitting on the ball.  I don’t know. 

I’ll just do some simple tests.  No more ball. 

That’s the only thing I change in my normal day to day.  Instead of my chair, I have been using the ball. 

That must go and I’ll see where my body stands. 

Even with out the ball, the important thing is that I need to get some exercise.  I need to get back into shape.

I shall run at night.

I shall stretch in the morning.

I shall just be more active.

I shall just be.

*    *    *

I find it funny that I’ve been saying that to myself for quite some time now.  It still hasn’t happened.

Hopefully, it’ll start soon. 

I just need to stop focusing on things that are out of my control.  Girls.

I need to just focus on things that I can control.  My health.  My projects.  My writing.  My photography.

I just need to focus on me. 

What happened to my yearning to be a little more distant and away from people this year?  What happened to that?

Will I be able to get back on track and be a little more antisocial than I need to be? 

I have already been a bit social with B5 and the Blox.  Am I going to start with the Non-Artist?

What am I to do? 

There are times that I think these are things that I just need to go through.  These are just things that happen in life.  Living it.  Experiencing it.  Being with people.  Being around people.  Interacting with people.

Is it?

Didn’t I kind of do that with the D?  Didn’t I?  I would like to think I did, but what came out of that?  Nothing.

Just a dwindling friendship of my undoing and just people who know us trying to get us together. 

Out of everything, I think that is the funniest part. 

The other people trying to get us together.  Whether it is a simple recommendation of her being single thrown out by her boss or a simple thought of playing matchmaker. 

Just Funny with a capital F. 

Funny. 

*    *    *

Change.

I say it takes time and I am smart enough to know that it does take time.

But it also needs to start.  That small snowball that will eventually turn into a avalanche will need to start sometime.

When is that time? 

Will it be tonight?  Will it be here.  Now.  As I stake my claim to make this change in myself.  To just be. To just avoid.  To just live my life and be okay with it.  To just…just. 

It is time.

I know I have said this many times before.  This may be a part of that growing collection of false starts, but I will keep starting and starting.

Here.

Now.

I’m starting.

It’s time for that CHANGE.

Let it simply….begin.

That daunting whiteness stumps many writers and I am no different. 

It stares back at me, taunting me to type, to ruin its perfect whiteness with letters, words, paragraphs.  It taunts me to write the story, but I don’t know what is holding me back.  Something is holding me back.

Is it the empty thoughts that cloud my mind?

Is it the thought of B5 feeding me wontons or the times that we hung out together?  Is it the separation from Ms. D that I’m feeling?  We are there, but not always there?

What is it?

Or is it just the fear of what all writers go through?  I need to just write it out, conquer it.  Just write. 

I’m trying a different trick, focusing my mind on something else until the story chisels its way out of my mind and onto the page.  I’m just looking for that one thread that will tie everything together, and right now, I have nothing to tie together.

Maybe that is my problem, as my mind has been a little preoccupied as of late. 

My mind has been filled with little thoughts of this and that and it accounts for nothing.  They are just fleeting thoughts that have no lasting impression.

They are nothing but mere musings of the heart, of the soul, of just playful teases to keep my mind busy and on something else.

I’m in a state of mind of that is not conducive for creativity. 

Am I in it again?  Another visit from this old long lost familiar friend of mine? 

It doesn’t feel like it, but it is something different, something I haven’t been able to shake.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely something.

*    *    *

When will it be over?  How long will this friend of mine stay this time?

I’m blocked.

I know I shouldn’t be looking toward this as a creative endeavor but more as work, as a assignment like I am making this little post of mine.  It is a assignment and I have no problems putting my thoughts into words here.

Why make the other any different?

It is the same.  Thoughts on paper.  Thoughts into words. 

Just do it.

Write.

Think.

Create.

Flow.

Stream the singsong streams of shoes and traveling.

They should be perfect for you; the inner wanderlust should be able to write it without any problems. 

Tap it.  Tap that inner soul of yours, that little child that I know you to be and just write you motherfucker.  Write!

Create.

This is it.

This is what you want to do.  Ever since the thought of writing came into your fingers, to your soul, it is what you’ve always wanted to do.  Write.

And now you should do it.  Just write.

Fucking write.

No need to brainstorm, no need to think.  Just let your fingers do the work.  Your mind and your fingers are one.  One thought.  One stream of consciousness that flows.

Words appear and soon a story of little shoes.

WRITE.

Words.

Sentences.

Paragraphs.

WRITE.

My thoughts slowly drift away and all that is left is a nothingness that is welcome.

No more screams. No more tears. No more fears.

There’s just an emptiness of tranquility.

That is what I am embodying in my current state of mind.

That is what I am here to doing, a mental meditation to get me in the game, to get me into the right mind state to do what it is that I need to do.

Maybe this will last till my dying days, running away from any distractions that might come my way.

Will this peaceful mental stability last?

I don’t know as I ramble on incoherently in this welcomed state of mind.

* * *

Closed Diary.

That is what I was coined last night as my friends had to pull information that I was more than willing to volunteer to them.

It just never came up.

They brought up the question on when will I find me someone and it was then that I let them know what my current situation is.

With all of my hangout sessions with B5 to the cop out of Ms. D. Everything.

It’s not that I am a Closed Diary, which I can totally see people thinking that I am, it’s just that you have to ask about it.

I guess in a way, I do put out the total private vibe, but it’s just weird that I totally never see myself that way.

Weird indeed.

Did you touch her?

That was one of the funnier questions of the night as they were trying to get more details on how I am with B5. I am openly flirtatious with her.

Then Partner Partner opened up about how I am all handsy, especially with the waitress, letting on that I have more game than he is. I totally don’t even remember that happened, but I guess it did, ’cause I do tend to get a little handsy from time to time.

Just funny.

* * *

Keeping myself busy.

Ever since the beginning of the year, I’ve just been trying to occupy myself creatively.

Working on the current projects with Scott, thinking about the rewrite of my current script and trying to get into more prose writing.

As I get my new camera, there will be other creative projects.

Maybe new video shorts and maybe Lego stop motion shorts.

I just need to stop fucking around and just do stuff.

* * *

Writing is becoming tougher and tougher on here.

My mind, these juices, these thought vomits aren’t becoming easier and easier.

Nothing hangs on my mind, but everything is on my mind.

Maybe I just need a break from certain things, from these heart spillings and brain meltings.

I just need to step back and just focus on other things, like a kid’s shoes walking over town, seeing things that it has never seen before.

Maybe, just maybe.

….and that is what it should be.

It shouldn’t be the be all end all of all things that everyone makes it out to be. It shouldn’t be at all.

It should just be this. No pressure, no commitment. Just two people, two souls, being together, here now, just hanging. Just being.

Just enjoying each other’s company.

There shouldn’t be any pressure to make it more than it is. Take all those pretensions aside, all of those expectations and throw them out the window.

Just be…in that moment, in that time. Just be.

That’s how it should be. That’s what I am seeing more and more. That’s the way that I’m going.

* * *

I guess it is finally happening. That one part of me that is on the precipice of keeping that innocence or swaying and plunging into my usual jaded cynicism is making its decision. It is finally getting to the point and falling in line with what I truly am, a bitter, jaded, cynic fool.

The Hopeless Romantic in me is growing up. Finally?

Maybe.

Here’s to hoping, right?

* * *

So for some reason or another, I’ve been hanging out with B5 afterhours. It’s nice.

I do genuinely enjoy her company. She’s cute, independent, funny, and she’s just good peeps.

I rambled on and on about her from time to time on this little thing of mine.

And I think it is with her that I’m starting to get it. Things should just be, exist, just being together, not expecting anything.

I am just genuinely enjoying her company. No big grand gestures, no long term thinking, no expectations.

Nothing has happened per se and I don’t expect anything to.

If something happens, great. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. I get to hang out with her, just doing something and I am enjoying it.

It’s nice.

* * *

Just let go and let it flow.

Let it slide away, melt away. Just let it go.

There’s nothing you can do but just learn to forgive, if it is what it is that I need to do.

Just forgive and let go.

It’s over and you have no choice or say in the situation.

It is what it is.

Just let go, and give him a chance.

Is that it? Is that right?

Is that what needs to be done?

Just let it go. Let it be.

* * *

…and from her lips she drew you hallelujah

It’s just time. It’s time for honesty. I have to.

Things have been pestering away at me for a while now. Things have just been in my head.

I feel like a dick. I feel like a asshole, but you know, I think it is something that I need to see through. I have to.

I am just going on information that I have gathered, information that I have seen and mulling things over, I’m doing the right thing. Right?

…it’s a cold and a broken hallelujah

It has to be. I need this. I need to be free, I need the catharsis of not having my heart strings pulled and tangled into this mess of mine. I just need it.

There are times when things are just crystal clear and there are many where things are just a muddled pool of muddy waters.

I don’t know.

Why can’t communication just be clear? Why can’t things just be honest and straightforward instead of these little games that we have to play? I have no idea what is happening.

Maybe it is like that epic literary rom-com of Pride & Prejudice; you are my Lizzy Bennett and I am your Mr. Darcy.

Maybe. Just maybe.

But alas, I don’t know. I don’t see.

Sitting at my usual spot just people watching with my new found long lost younger sibling from another mother, I see you. I notice you. It’s hard not to. You were there, and my gaze is just naturally drawn to you. You make your way over, but you don’t say anything…and sadly, nor do I.

It was a stalemate, a Mexican standoff of who will cave first, the first to acknowledge the other. I tried, but I got no response.

As you look over my fellow sister, my partner of people-watching, giving her the up and down, what are you thinking?

Ugh.

The confusion in my head, the cloudy thoughts of just not knowing for sure.

As I consult others, the unreliable source, my little sister who knows about the situation, they all say the same. Move on.

Move on.

And so I did. I am. I’m doing.

I need to. I need this.

I made the effort. I made the reach out. I did it.

But things just fell flat. What is it?

Maybe you were busy and couldn’t make it. Maybe you did exactly what I thought you did, scheduling it with another. It was an out of hanging without the actual hanging or the pressure of my intentions.

I don’t know what it is, but my spidey senses, my intuition, my gut is telling me, screaming at me…it’s never meant to be.

* * *

What’s that look in your face? What is it that you are thinking? What is it that you are feeling as I sit there?

Our are thoughts the same? That you think The Blox is my sig-ig? Is that what you are thinking as you look at her, checking her out, doing your little calculations in your head, comparing her to you?

Is that it?

I don’t know.

My gut could be wrong. Many times, it is.

But I don’t know.

What is it?

Is it a sign of disappointment that things didn’t happen afterwards, as we gave our final hug goodbye, you saying that we’ll see each other?

Is that what you mean? I have no idea.

None.

Ugh.

* * *

So, now, here we are.

There’s a radio silence between us. The only communication are the thoughts in our head, spewing out things that we wish the others would say, or at least that is what I’m hoping.

That means that there might be something there, that there might be a chance, but I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know much of anything anymore.

You know me. You know my habits. If I’m not there, it means something and you can ask. We can talk. We can be honest.

You know where I am. You know my number. You know my addy. You know.

But you don’t reach out. Not at all. Maybe that is it. Maybe that is the concrete thing that I need to finally realize and take in and embrace.

You never reached out.

* * *

…i need you like a heart needs a beat but it’s nothing new

Sorry.

It must be done.

It has to be done.

She was disappointed.

She was just surprised by you.

You are not my type at all, and that was something that she expected.

You are different from the mold that my heart has an affinity for.

You are different.

It is the you that I fell for. It is the girlish charms that you possess that makes these heart strings strum.

It is the inner you that my heart beats for.

It is you.

But no more.

It stopped.

Slowly, the beat dies down, not because can’t beat on any longer, but that it must. It must stop beating for you.

Stop.

Over.

Flatline.

Declared.

That is how it is. That is what it is. That is what it must do, because honestly, I can’t see a way out of this if it goes on and on and one.

My heart just can’t take it anymore.

My heart is just done as a plaything.

So, I’m hunkering down for the long haul, until this thing of mine is over and done with. Until my heart seals and becomes whole again.

I’m done and gone. Gone and done.

Done.

Tired.

It seems that is all I’ve been saying or even feeling lately

Tired.

I’m tired all the time. No energy. Lethargic. Just lazy molasses of just moving nowhere; getting nowhere fast.

But it is me and it is something that will change, eventually. Whether it is something voluntarily or something that is more forced, eventually I’ll get to that level of doing something.

* * *

Here it is.

It has started, it has begun.

How long will I last before I cave, if I cave?

My convictions are strong this time, believing that what I’m doing is right, believing that it is the best thing for me, ’cause it is and honestly, I just need to do it.

I need to move on.

No reason in staying in this perpetual cycle of Sisyphus, pushing and pushing, making advancement and then falling back down again, having to push it back up and up again. The sick cycle.

In many avenues of life, this existential mentality/philosophy works, ’cause it does. But in other aspects, it is something that we shouldn’t strive for, but something that needs to be abandoned at the quickest possible moment.

Be free.

Move on.

No more.

The pining, the lingering, the hoping of something. It needs to end.

It has to go.

Out the window and onto something else.

Another affliction of the heart, another affliction of the soul.

Just hoping that the next one will be a little easier to swallow, a little easier to manage and a lot less pain. Maybe a little happiness for once.

Who knows?

The future is a stillness that is just waiting to be filled in. A polaroid snapshot just waiting to be used, spat out and shaken until the image magically appears locking our future into history.

* * *

What is it?

Why?

Is there just an innate fear instilled in me, destined to wrap me up in this dancing movement of one step forward and two steps back, making no forward movement in anything at all?

What has gotten into me?

Something is definitely wrong and I don’t know whether it is physical or psychosomatic. Something is definitely putting a damper in this party that I call life.

This is different than the many others that I have experienced. Something definitely not like the dark days of yore, but the newer brand of ennui, the generalness of the blahness of everything

It is the blah blah of the blahing blah blipity-blah of everything that I have dreaded.

It is a workable settlement of life at its just barely bearableness.

It is what it is.

Something has to change.

Whether I deal with this and accept it for what it is and be okay with it or I need a lifestyle change.

Honestly, I can’t tell what it is that I need or want to do.

That too needs to change.

This not knowing of what it is that I want has been with me for years.

It seems that once I figure out one thing that I want out, another bout of searching comes along.

What is it that I want?

….

….

I don’t know.

I guess that is something I need to figure out.

Hopefully. No, not hopefully. Definitely sooner, rather than later.

* * *

It’s too late. It’s too late to apologize…It’s too late.

No more.

There’s not point.

None.

At all.

* * *

Goodbye.

Gone.

It’s over.

All over.

Nevermore.

As the raven continued. Nevermore

* * *