My love is your love / Your love is mine…

It’s cloudy today. It’s a lot cooler today.

Today is a good day. The sun is out but not shining; blocked out by the thick layer of clouds that I grew up hating, but now deeply appreciate and miss.

I sit here today, writing my brain away.

I’m trying to figure out what to say, what to write, what to jot down and purge from my brain.

Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what should I do, and what can I do.

The Traveling ROTC was back in town and we met up for drinks.

What ultimately ended up happening was that we started to make out near her rental. I’m sure if I asked her, I could have taken her home. I’m sure.

Is this what I want?

What do I want?

Casual fling fling? Yes. If it is that, with her, bring it on. I just need something physical, we all do. If we are compatible that way, why not, right?

Relationship? Something deep and meaningful? Is she the one? I let her go and now she’s flying back? Is that what is happening?

I don’t know. I know in my heart of hearts, I don’t feel the same way about her as I did before; not like how it was in high school.

Things are different now. My heart is fleeting. My desires are fleeting.

It wants what it wants. It wants a relationship with Ms. D. It wants something with B5. But my heart doesn’t want anything with Traveling ROTC. It just doesn’t work that way.

For the life of me, I don’t know why.

Maybe it is her way to soft spoken-ness that I grew to hate. Maybe it just seems that she’s a bargain hunter, a lil’ tight on the cash, and I’m not like that at all.

I don’t know what it is, but there are some things that just don’t fly with me. I guess they are things that I can maybe deal with, but I don’t know; would I be happy with it?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear. I hope that I don’t lead her on into thinking this is something that it isn’t.

Who knows? Maybe my heart will revert back to what it was. Maybe something will happen and I’ll change and my heart will flutter its wings again.

Maybe.

I don’t know, but I need to play this out.

I’m not committing.

I guess we’ll see.

* * *

My first week of vacation is now officially over and the second week is starting.

Looking back at this past week and a few days of vacation, it has been very eventful. It has been days of exploring and seeing and experiencing new things.

There are times that I do feel that I would love to have someone next to me to experience things with, to slow me down, to help me take everything in, to just sit…in…the…moment…and just take everything in.

There were times when I was able to do that.

But there are times that I feel that I’m rushing because I have to worry about my schedule, my time, and sometimes I just have to worry about Pickles.

But for the most part, I am enjoying this road trip.

These trips are getting more and more packed with things to do, things to experience.

They are no more the times of just coming up here and not doing anything, sitting at home, alone, just waiting for Hien to get back, or just spending whatever time I can with Mom.

Ever since I started to drive up again, with Pickles, it gave me an out to go explore. To see more of the State that I grew up in but never got a chance to explore or see or experience.

It gave me a reason to fulfill my inner wanderlust heart, my child-at-heart soul lust of seeing and exploring and doing new and different things.

It gave me a reason to live and be active in my life, doing the things that I want to do.

Sure it can get expensive. Sure I’ve wasted money on things here and there that may or may not be worth it, but you know that’s life.

Isn’t this the reason why you make money for? Aren’t these the reasons why you save up money, so you can spend it on things that you like?

Sure I am still fiscally responsible, making sure that any bills and financial responsibilities are taken care of, but after that, any extra money that I have, I can spend on how I see fit.

Sure I’ll save when I can, but when I’m on vacation, I should be able to spend without a care. It’s my right. It is how it should be.

I’m 33 and I’m able to live my life how I see fit. I live my life in my own terms.

If I look back at it in 5 years’ time, 10 years’ time, 20 years’ time and I have any regrets; that is my fault. I have control over my life and I should do something about it.

I live my life to my terms to the fullest and I’m happy with it.

These past couple of road trips, and traveling trips. NO REGRETS.

This is what life is. This is what life should be about.

My happiness.

* * *

Bonding.

Question asking.

Had dinner last night with my brother and deciding not to have any of our typical dinners which we sit there and just eat and not talk much at all, I thought I’d try to ask questions and see where they go.

Ultimately, the end goal for me is to find out if he’s dating anyone.

The funny thing about him is that I find that he’s a lot like me. He’s very private, but he’s very honest. He’ll start talking and divulging things as long as you ask him.

I’m the same way. You have to ask me stuff if you want to find anything out about me. I guess I’m private that way.

I guess that’s why a lot of people at work sees me in a different way and never get the full picture of who I am.

But overall, dinner was a success. The food was excellent.

Lamb Shank. Nommers.

And I got to get to know my brother a little better. He loves mojitos because of the minty freshness.

He goes out to lunch with his coworkers from time to time. He’ll go to happy hour with them from time to time.

So, in a way, it’s not a lost cause that he’s just so holed up in his own little cave. He does go out. He does socialize.

He just needs to practice more, talk more, instead of being the shy timid guy that I see him as.

Asking these preliminary questions, getting him to open up, and I’m damn fucking sure the mojito helped a lot also.

Ultimate I asked and I got an answer and it isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is that people are trying to set him up and I think he should do it.

If he doesn’t want to find someone, fine. But go out, do it, enjoy it. It’ll be like practice for when he’s ready.

It’ll be something different, something challenging, forcing him to make mistakes and learn and grow as a person.

I didn’t get to be who I am without many many many failures.

I put myself in these social challenges, in these situations outside of my comfort zone and eventually I got here.

I think that is what he needs to do.

He’s not a bad guy. He’s smart. He can be funny and witty. He loves movies and is an avid reader. He just needs a little more confidence. He just needs a little more practice socializing.

He just needs to loosen up.

Alcohol!

That is key.

The libation that loosens the tongue. Libation to lower inhibitions.

But there’s hope.

Eventually, hopefully, he’ll come out of his shell, shed his wallflower ways and just be.

He needs to for damn sure stop mumbling something softly ’cause that is annoying the fuck out of me.

Pet peeve. Soft speakers.

Speak up!

Ultimately, it was a good dinner. It is a step in the right direction. It is a step where I want our relationship to be. For me to ask him anything and he’ll tell me and it works the other way. He can ask me anything; whether it is about my life, ask me for advice, ask me about anything and I will tell him and let him know.

I have no secrets.

People who know me know that.

You ask. I will tell.

I’m that simple.

It’s that time again where I’m writing from not home, but my self-proclaimed home away from home. I am here in the PNW, the place where I lay my proverbial hat to rest for the next two weeks. I am back, I am back.

Overall, so far, the trip has been well. I didn’t take the beautiful route back, but the more standard fair, but I did break it up a little.

I started at Fresno, then ended up in San Francisco and the Bay Area and now I am back home doing what I do best, sitting, hiking, eating.

Of course Pickles is with me too. That was one reason why I wanted to stop by San Francisco, besides visiting Big Auntie and her family, because I wanted to go exploring San Fran with Pickles. We ended up doing the same “trip” that I did with Hien a few years back, just walking along the piers.

Overall, I had a good time there and I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but this time, being able to explore more.

The drive north was uneventful as always, just your typical I5 driving.

But overall, I got two weeks and the first week for the most part has been all planned out.

101 down to Cannon Beach tomorrow and then Multanomah Falls in Portland and then on Wednesday will be Portland exploration day. Keep Portland Weird! I plan on it.

* * *

It’s been a long time since I have written anything in this dear ol’ friend of mine. A very long time; about two months. I think it is about time that I do it again.

It has just been a little busy since I’ve been able to get any blogging done. It’s just been a very long time since I was able to get any of my thoughts out.

It’s not like that there were anything spectacular that needed to be purge, but there were just things that I would like to jot down and out of my head. Just little things.

My travelings for work is done. Portland was the last office and that is finished. That was an over the weekend trip, so I wasn’t able to do any blogging.

Then there was the short story I had to write for the Ghofran and I finally finished that last week. Overall, I am pretty happy with what I came up with. I think it is good for someone who doesn’t write much prose.

I got some new prompts that I need to focus on. Will I be writing them over this trip? I don’t know, but they are there for me to do if I ever get bored.

Then there was the crazy weekend.

* * *

48 Hour Film Project.

Crazy weekend.

I’m glad that Scott suggested on doing this. I really am because I think that was the creative kick in the ass to get things going again. I think it was definitely needed to get me going through the creative laziness that I was going through. That funk wasn’t going away and having that project with such a short deadline definitely pushed me to create something that I can say that I definitely proud of.

It is definitely the best thing that Scott and I had done. Sure there are faults, but it’s the best thing that we’ve done.

Shouldn’t that be the thing, that each subsequent project that you do is better than the last? We learn something from each one that we do and I know what I need to do. I always known what I needed to do and that is to work with the actors more. To have a clearer vision in my head of what I wanted, especially from the actors.

Overall it was a fun, tiring, and sleepless adventure.

I didn’t write the script, but helped Scott streamline it, poking holes into it. He got sole writing credit, as he should. While he’s writing, as we finished discussing the structure of the script, from story and plot, I was contacting our principals with their roles and what I wanted from them. I contacted our makeup artists and our composer giving them specifics of what is to be expected on the script and what we wanted in terms of the score. It was a very very good process.

We finished writing the script Friday night at about 10:30 and sent it off to everyone. I didn’t get home from Scott’s until close to midnight and stayed up till 1AM dissecting the script, writing notes, and getting a clear idea of what I wanted from each shot and how it should be set up.

By 5 in the morning, I was up, from nerves, to anxiety, to just I couldn’t sleep. I finished the opening slate and got ready to go. I needed to go. I got to Scott’s about 7:30 and I got a text from the main actor. Overall, we had to drop him because he was in the emergency room and we can’t count on him. We thanked him in the end credits, but you know, fuck it.

The day of the shoot went fast. I was constantly moving, thinking, doing the shots. I had to cram a lot of stuff in on our short day. I was able to shoot with available light for the most part, which is great, but there was one scene that stumped me. I couldn’t figure out how to clock it and it shows in the final product. I’m sure if I had more time, it would have been shot differently and maybe a lot better, but I have to deal work with what I had.

The shoot wrapped about 5:30 and after cleaning up, we were on our way and got back to my place at about 6:30. As I was transferring footage to my computer and working on syncing the footage together with the audio, Scott finished up some paperwork and went and got me something to eat. I worked till 2:30 in the morning just syncing up audio. I couldn’t figure out an easier way to put the footage together but by making new sequences per shot. It was a slow slow arduous process, but it worked. I only had a 20 minute nap during that time at around 11pm. From 2:30 till about 6AM I was cutting a rough rough cut.

There was no color correction or sound mixing done. Just here is the footage of how the short is going to look like. I uploaded the file to YouTube for the composer to check out so he can start composing. At 6:30 I went to sleep and woke up at about 8AM, showering and taking Pickles for a walk.

When I was done, let the final edits and post begin. Working on color correction, sound correction, final edits, getting the music and editing it back in. Final final cut was done at 5PM and we started rendering. By 5:30, we were ready to go.

As I was moving the large 9gb file over to the usb drives, it was moving really slow, so I moved it to my external and moved it to Scott’s laptop and we were on our way. I had to reformat the drives for windows and the first one went well. The 2nd one, not so much. It was still formatted in OSX, so I had to find a Best Buy to pick one up.

All in all, we finished moving the movie over at 7pm and it was due at 7:30pm. We made it and turned it in at 7:10. We finished on time.

I was running on practically zero sleep, but it felt good. We were just sitting there, discussing everything, and having our drinks. It was good. It felt good.

So, that was last weekend and it was a crazy weekend that I’ll always remember.

That night, Sunday night, I stayed up late trying to render out a smaller file to upload to YouTube and my Google drive so our crew can take a look at it and download it for their reel.

The screening is this Thursday night, August 15th and I won’t be there.

Looking over the film, I see where the faults were. Where it can definitely be better, where I should edit and shot it a different way, but again, for the time constraint that we had, it turned out to be something that I am definitely proud of.

The look of it was how I imagined all my other shorts should turn out, but ended up being disappointed because of the Panasonic dvx100a’s lens capability. Now, there’s no excuse.

Shooting with the D800, and different glass, I can’t bitch about how the film was shot. I had the creative control there.

Will I do it again? I don’t know, but I definitely want to shoot more shorts. Maybe the musical next. Who knows? But it is definitely the creative push that I needed.

* * *

DineLA.

That is going to kill my bank account, but overall it was worth it.

During this time I was able to get some dinners in and a few lunches. One of them was with Ms. D and another was with B5.

I had a great time with both.

I’m torn between the two, but I do know it is just a matter of wishful thinking that they’ll reciprocate. B5 is so young that she shouldn’t be worming her way into my heart and I can easily let her go.

Ms. D. is an enigma, a tough shell that I need to learn how to crack. I also had a great time with her during the happy hour, talking about her trip.

Sigh.

Heart troubles and heart problems.

But it’ll pass and ultimately I’ll figure things out.

Here’s to hoping.

* * *

Oh, the Traveling ROTC, the Traveling ROTC. That’ll have to wait. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Till another day. Till another time.

There is was, my beloved, far off in the distance, fading away as I walked my way to the terminal. My eyes glisten over as I said goodbye again. Chicago. My beloved. Oh how I love thee.

There’s just something about that city that just gets my blood pumping every time that I am there. Every time I visit, I just felt like I belong. It is my city. It is an epitome of me. My life is Chicago.

The business trip to Dallas and Chicago was a very very long week. Days of Dallas felt like it was weeks and even months ago, but in reality it was just only days. Long hard days indeed.

But they were good days. They were great days as we got whatever work that we needed done done. We did it.

It was a good work week that took away whatever stress I was having in the office and got my mind on something else, something more present, the problem of upgrading everyone in these regional offices.

* * *

Dallas was the city of clean and proper. It was the city of heat and humidity. The mugginess killed me as I stepped out of the airport, hitting me with the icky ugh from the opening sliding doors.

But overall, I had a good time in the office. It definitely was the easiest office for all my travels so far. I got everything done in the first day for the most part, leaving only one user to set up on the second day. It was an easy office.

I got to meet some wonderful people…the Castillo who’ve I’ve been chatting with on the regular and then there’s the Chuck Waggoner. Cute and beautiful.

But with the people in Dallas, I never got the familiarity or that sense of instant deep lifelong bonding as I did with the girls in Chicago. There, I felt welcomed as part of their lives. There, I felt like I belonged.

Oh Chicago, my beloved, how I would love to move there, to set my roots there until another mid-life creeps up and I have another need for change.

* * *

Love.

My Beloved.

Chicago.

It started out with a lovely night out on my own after dinner. A nice brisk walk at night to the Pier, catching the fireworks show.

I was ready to go, to get things started bright and early in the morning.

Stressed was all I can say about my first day in Chicago. Stressed as I felt the day slip away from me as I still have 14 computers left to do and the day is already half over. It was about lunch time and I haven’t even imaged my first computer as I’m stressing to set up three people who already have their computers ready for them.

Stressed.

But we managed to power through. Dan got his shit and his network issues cleared up and I buckled down and tackled the imaging. It was a long day as I get out at 11:30 that night, but we got most everything done.

I finished about 20 minutes before it was time for Chicago’s 3pm happy hour. Just in time. I still have some etracking and minor issues to take care of, but things are done. That’s all I can say.

The work is done.

* * *

What to do, what to do?

So cute and adorable, pretty and funny with her sass and sass. What am I going to do?

Then there is Skittles who I can’t help check out while she’s on the go.

What is it about the ladies of Chicago that makes me not want to leave?

Walking the streets, I just never saw so many beautiful women walking the streets before. Unfortunately it is just because no one walks in Los Angeles/Santa Monica. They just aren’t walking cities. But Chicago, what can I say.

In a way it is where my heart yearns to be. Whether it is a genuine desire to move there or if it is just my heart playing tricks on me because it is something new and exciting, I don’t know, but in a way I do feel that if I am there, my life will definitely change in a way. Whether it is in the same trajectory that is happening now, I don’t know. It could come back and bite me in the ass.

There was a sense of distance from Skittles. Dan picked it up and I sensed something also. She’s wasn’t as chatty as she used to be, but a lot has happened since the last time we’ve seen each other. She wasn’t married then. Now, things are different.

Maybe she’s just distracted by the neck pain that she’s experiencing.

What am I going to do?

The adorableness is infectious, getting into my heart, worming its way. She’s just genuinely a great girl and I hope nothing but the best for her.

My playfulness just naturally comes out when I’m with the Submariner. There’s just something about her that makes me crazy. Blah.

I’m just in trouble as I really don’t know what I want. Besides, she’s off limits, done and done.

* * *

Might do another trip out there later in the year. Hien wants to go, so another weekend. I don’t care what we do ’cause just being there is enough for me.

So here’s to more fun and fun for me.

Fun and fun in my favorite city.

* * *

I need to stop drinking recklessly and start drinking smartly.

Nuff said.

The beats go on and on with each constant thump, a second dies.

My life goes on and on and it seems to be going in the right direction.

Dinner plans made. Lunch plans made. Outings and socializing. The constant movement of forwardness of life. My life is moving on the course that it should be. It is slowly moving towards wherever it is that it needs to go.

I am not holding it back in anyway. I stopped that a long time ago. I am taking whatever worldly cues that splash across my retinas and act upon them.

I am doing what it is that I need to do. Living.

* * *

My travels to the far off land of Hotlanta have been uneventful as I expected. Work and work. Done and done. Everything is done as expected with the little problems here and there popping up as expected.

With everything that I had to do, I really didn’t have much time to do and explore the city. It wasn’t a walking city per se (or I just went to the wrong area), to just go and explore, which I eventually did for one night. Overall, it wasn’t a bad little trip.

The next trip is coming up tomorrow, next week. Dallas. Chicago (my beloved). That’ll be the fun trip. That’ll be the trip to savor and explore and work and work. That’ll be the trip that will take this little stress of mine away.

I can’t wait.

I think it is more for the fact that I get to visit a city I never been to before. Dallas. Sure that I might not have much time to go exploring the city, but it is a new city none the less. A new land. A new place. A new point in my map of exploration. Something new and different.

Then there is Chicago. Ahh, what can I say. I love the city. Again, will move there if I can. Most definitely. It’ll be the longest stay between the two cities because there is much to do there, but it’ll be fun with the company, with the food, and just hopefully the exploration.

Can’t.

Wait.

* * *

Work.

Stressed.

Annoyed.

All in one. Stressed and annoyed isn’t a good combination for me. I don’t mind the work, and the work load, but the boring and long and long meetings. The overabundance of different projects that are open between Don and I, is just ridiculous. I love it, but I need to learn to do whatever it is that Don is doing, so I can handle it on my own. I need to, and these projects are great help, but the unrealistic deadlines and long pointless meetings aren’t great.

But hopefully that will change. Hopefully things will ease down and get better.

For once, I felt that time was slipping away from me. There wasn’t enough time in the day to do whatever it is that I need to do.

There just wasn’t.

But we’ll see after I get back.

Busy week.

Hell week.

Now it is over and I get to relax by a business trip of constant working. I find it funny what I think is relaxing.

* * *

Socializing.

My change.

My midlife crisis.

Slowly and surely, things are changing and shaping up. I’m listening to those extra little pushes to do whatever it is that I need to do to grow up and little bit more, to make the be the better man.

Slowly, but surely.

Midlife.

This week has been a little crazy. I pretty much had something to do for most of the nights out of the week. With the movie on Monday, to dinner with B5 on Tuesday, dinner with Tyra on Wednesday. Thursday was a break for me and last night. There was a part of me that I wanted to hang out with Ms. D last night, but she was busy. There was also lunch with Frenemie.

Socializing. Meeting people. Going out. Living.

Logical steps brought on by this feeling of stagnation. There’s a need for change in my life, my midlife, and I think all of this socializing is helping me a bit. It feels that I’m making progress, I’m doing something.

There’s still this fatigue feeling I get from time to time. I’m just tired. Body. Soul. But that is nothing a little rest can’t fix.

* * *

B5.

Dinner.

It was fun as we went to Sunny Spot. It is a very cute restaurant and the lamb. My. Fucking. God. The fucking lamb. Yummers.

Any who, it was a great dinner; great fun and great convo like all the other times that we hung out. Things just felt comfortable and flirting was very very easy.

I still don’t think she sees me that way, but I think deep down inside that she does in some way. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Could be.

There’s hope.

Maybe.

* * *

Tyra.

This was the first time that I actually hung out with her. The happy hours and stuff don’t really count as I never really talk to her at all.

But it was interesting and fun, nonetheless.

The fundamental thing that I got out of our dinner? I need to go out and start dating. Meeting new people. Get a girlfriend, and I got a little insight into Ms. D. It’s stuff that I already know, but it was still interesting nonetheless.

She’s looking into playing matchmaker with me. Funny.

And now she’s off gallivanting in Europe; Spain and France for a month. Jealous.

Sweet girl. Pretty girl.

To be young and just be able to go off and be somewhere for a month. To be young.

Frenemie has the same aspirations. To just go and fly off and live and work in these far off lands. She should totally do it. Young, no responsibilities. Just do it.

If I was in her shoes that would definitely be something that I would do. But of course, if I am the person that I am now.

Sigh.

To be young.

* * *

Eye contact.

It seems to be happening a lot lately.

My eyes wander as I take in my scenery, the world around me.

That means, I’m looking at everything, chairs, tables, litter, people, and from time I’ll make eye contact with people.

But with the eye contact, once it has been established, I generally would just look away, continuing to take in my surroundings and eventually would go back to looking to things that I have already seen chairs, tables, litter, people.

While I was in Atlanta, exploring downtown, doing my photowalk like I usually do, I had my headphones on and just walk and walked.

I was walking down the street and noticed a group of people and in this group, there is only one girl.

I would go and look and see the girl and made eye contact with her. Then my eyes would wander again to other things. Taking in my surroundings. But through my peripheral I still see that the girl is looking at me. My eyes wander back again and we make eye contact again. This happened a few more times as I pass, our eyes lock again. Her eyes never left mine as she is half trying to listen to one of the guys in her group while she was staring at me.

What does that mean?

Same thing happened on the airplane.

Was there something on my face? I have no clue.

Is it a matter that she’s interested or is it something else?

Blah. Confusing.

* * *

Ms. D.

Tanner.

Still fucking confusing.

No fucking clue.

I don’t think anything is ever going to change there.

I know I keep telling myself that it is just time to just move on, but I have no idea.

Blah.

Blah indeed.

Slow and slow, my life makes its adjustment.

Taking on a new task, taking on a new change, taking on a new challenge.

Slowly but surely, adjustments are being made.

Not sure how it will all turn out but in a way, I am definitely interested to see where things will end up with this new found challenge.

* * *

Off to stranger lands that once was familiar.

I am on the road again, or in the air this time. Not for the fun fun travels that I am use to, but now for the workie work that I have to do.

I always look forward to these travels as I get to go to cities I normally wouldn’t get to visit because they are usually never on my radar.

Atlanta, Chicago (my beloved), Dallas, and then Portland.

But my summer seems full of these adventures of work and work and I can’t wait for them. They’ll make my year fly by faster than it already has. It’ll be another blink and I’ll be doing another bah humbug and even maybe another another year older, another year wiser.

Time is flying by and all I can do is just hold on by the seat of my pants and go wherever it is willing to take me.

Life. It’s not in my hands, but that of a beating constant. Time.

* * *

As I’m sitting here, the cool artificial breeze blowing down on me, I try to type my life away. I try to ignore my surroundings and the cute girls that are around me and focus on my usual tip tap typing of taps.

But I can’t. I just can’t as my focus isn’t what it used to be.

So I sit and try, but I always fail as someone new comes in, someone cute comes in.

I take a gander, another look at my surroundings, but I can’t just focus.

The cold air blows, chilling me to the bone.

It takes me away, distracting me from the thing that I really need to do. It kills this usual urge to type and type things out. It freezes my creativity, the juices of inspiration, of creativity just sits there until it is thawed. But it never will be. Not here. Not anytime soon.

* * *

The Nurse isn’t here today.

Her test was on Monday. Done and done. There is no need for her to come in and study anymore.

She’s done with the studying, possibly done with the school year.

She’s out there enjoying this beautiful day, enjoying the sun like any normal person would.

That is something that I should do, but I’m not normal.

The Nurse is probably still in bed, sleeping in on the weekend for once. No need to get up early and get ready to go studying.

Later she’ll enjoy a late lunch and then make her way to the beach, getting some sun.

Once it gets a bit chilly, she’ll head home to take a nap before she goes out clubbing in celebration of finals being over. It’ll be her last weekend here before she goes back to wherever she came from.

NoCal? Bay Area? Or somewhere else. Who knows.

She’s just a mystery to me, someone I met in passing and shared a moment or two.

* * *

Routine.

I live it. Tis is my life, but this routine that I have fallen into now is not the routine that I am comfortable with.

It is not the routine that creates the finger tappings that I have grown accustomed to and have fallen in love with. It is a shadow of it; a light fading shadow.

I miss it. I miss the times where I’m able to come here and just plug in and forget everything and just type away.

My thoughts flow with the assuredness of the Nile or the Amazon. It flowed because it must.

Now, it is a standstill of murky water; unclear as to what it is that it wants to be; unsure about how to get back to where it once was.

Lost without any motivation or direction. Even the laws of gravity and the geography of the world cannot make this flow worthwhile.

For all is a standstill.

* * *

Here I am, sitting here in my usual place, my usual table, doing my usual usual, typing my soul away.

This week is unlike any other week that have come and gone in these past couple of years. No different to anything or any day at all.

But something is going to happen today that will deviate from the norm, something spectacular is going to happen and I don’t know what it is.

I look around the shot and no much is different.

The gaudy graffiti wall is the same. The boba week competition is the same; well, except for a few more colorful orange stickers, not much is different.

The tea is the same, as is the cool-cold-warm recycle cool-cold-warm temperature.

Not much is different, but something is different. Something happened today that usually never does.

Contact with the outside world. Contact with another being, another compatriot, here to do her studying.

It started with us vying for the same table, but I relented and gave her as I was nice to ask her which one she preferred.

I kept up my generally friendly demeanor and just maintained the dreaded small talk that I usually tend to avoid.

We are all the same, here to do some work. Here to get something done.

Obviously her stuff is much more important than mine, studying for an exam, for school.

Me, I’m just doing my usual soul searching. I’m just doing my usual brain purge.

Today is a little different.

I can do this. It should always be this easy, but I never keep it up.

* * *

Socializing.

How does an anti-social hermit be social? How does most everyone that he meets have the impression that he’s such a social butterfly? How so?

It just happens that way. It just happens that most of time that he hangs out it is in small crowds doing the things that he feels comfortable in doing. That is how. He doesn’t put himself in a situation where he is uncomfortable, in a situation that he doesn’t want to be in.

When it is family that he’s hanging out with, it is different also, because it is family. There just never seems to be a problem whenever he hangs with family. There’s no pressure to impress, to be more than who he is.

I guess in a way even though he strongly believes that he doesn’t need to impress, the psychological urge to be liked in some aspect is pushing him to try to impress and this poor soul caves at the pressure of doing so.

It is his flaw. One of his many. It just happens that he doesn’t know how to just let things go.

Sometimes it is successful. Other times. Not so much.

* * *

Boba girls.

They are here as it is their job to be here, taking orders, being polite, making their drinks and they do it all giggly and cute.

I’ve seen the shorter one here for a while, especially on the weekend. It seems she’s the opener most of the time and she has come to remember who I am and what drink I usually get. She usually gets it prepared before I even get my order through and sometimes she’ll give me a little discount to boot.

She’s really cute, as I have mentioned to Selena Kyle. Cute.

There are times where she’ll come in with a plastic sunglasses frame without any lenses and it just throws me off. I’m like what the fuck, but I let it go. It’s her prerogative and it is what it is.

A hipster and not just any hipster, a Asian hipster to book.

If Selena Kyle is right and the guy that she pointed out is the shorter one’s, Cutie McShorty, boyfriend, that I guess it is fitting.

He’s the textbook definition of a Asian Hipster. He’s a Hong Kong or even a Taiwanese cool stylish hipster. Something that I don’t get by the way. Not one bit at all.

It is a general confusion for me why that is stylish, but yet again, to each their own.

The taller one, I don’t know her name as we hardly ever spoke, is not bad looking either. Tall and thin.

From time to time I’ll see her steal a look in my direction or it just so happens that we’ll catch each other’s eye as I take a micro break from my finger tappings and survey my surroundings.

She’ll throw me little smiles as she comes into the shop, starting her shift.

All in all, she’s not bad either.

As for the other one, the Canto Singer, I haven’t seen her in a while.

* * *

Starting fresh.

Starting new.

A crashed computer wiped out the rant I had earlier about a coworker of mine.

Angry and easily annoyed, that is what I am.

Angry and easily annoyed.

But I am learning to let it go. I’m taking the long weekend to just remove myself from the mind of work and hopefully go in on Monday with a better attitude.

Hopefully.

* * *

Calm and calmed.

That’s what I need to be as I go about my days at work, just doing whatever project it is that I’m working on, learning on whatever it is that I need to learn.

I go about my day, doing whatever it is that I need to do.

Day in, day out.

My life.

The routine of the real world.

* * *

There is this constant sense of anger that is in me as of late and I don’t know how it got there or when it got there. It is just there.

Maybe I am like the Hulk and that’s what it is about me too, I’m always angry. I am always angry.

Sometimes my anger of things, as I get easily annoyed at other people’s shit.

I just don’t know what the root of the issue is. Why is it there?

I thought that I am fixed through and through for the most part.

I thought, I thought.

I guess I thought wrong.

Maybe I am tired. Maybe I just need a break and take another trip, another vacation.

Maybe I just need a change.

It sure feels like I need a change.

I just need a big change in my life and I’ve felt this way in a long time.

Made known in my earlier entries, I just need a change.

2012 is a year of change for me, a year of growing up, maturing, just a little bit more.

This man-child that I have fallen in love with is getting antsy to grow up just a little bit, but it is fighting it.

Maybe that is where my irritability is coming from. Just maybe.

* * *

Blah to this irritability. Blah to it all.

* * *

Thoughtless.

Nothingness.

Letting my mind wander free, coming to terms with this lack of concentration that I am feeling and just letting my fingers go through its exercise of typing letters into words.

I have to get back into the grove of things and I’m starting with going back to my roots, my basics of writing things that have no meaning and just doesn’t make any sense.

Words.

Coming together to form sentences.

Drunk and mysterious…

* * *

There she is, working again today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her.

The last few times that I did it was on her day off, coming in here just to hang out with her cohorts and doing whatever she is doing.

Today is different. She’s working today, back behind the counter, working. No time to talk as I am plugged in, typing away.

Will words pass between us today? I don’t know, but the day is still early. Hopefully maybe things will happen.

Let’s just say things are still early.

Now it just makes me wonder, what is her story?

As I just notice some stranger walking into the shop, we made eye contact and she just smiled and said “Hi.”.

Back to the story, back to the question, back to the things at hand.

What is her story?

* * *

Let’s call her Jasmine.

She started her way back in college a few years back and after graduation she decided to stay on the job, not full time, but as part time to make some extra cash on the weekends and maybe the late shift. It’s just a job that helps her unwind, to put her mind away from her regular 9-5 of being an accountant, pushing numbers all day.

Jasmine works and works, putting her hours in crunching numbers, matching statements processing invoices, keeping the company’s budget. She goes in and comes out, day after day, living the daily grind.

But there is something lacking in that life. There is a lack of passion that comes with a practical job and that lack of umph is severely hampering her enjoyment of life.

Sure she had dreams of something bigger when she was younger. Who didn’t, but the die didn’t roll in her favor; snake eyes. First roll and she’s out.

But Jasmine’s job here keeps her going. It is the only outlet she has outside of her job. The friends that she’s made here having given her the push to go on, living, realizing that life is worth living….

* * *

Cold air blowing on my head, freezing my scalp.

It distracts me from my usual finger tappings that I have become use to.

It distracts me from writing anything well and anything worthwhile.

I struggle to pull something out of my poor brain of mine, but nothing comes.

It is just mindless rambling of nothing.

Usually I am no oppose to nothings, but only if it is just sweet nothings.

This. This. It is some other beast.

* * *

Back with the backers.

Long gone and back now with something new and something different.

All is gone all is lost.

No more. No more.

London Bridges is back and she’s looking good. She looks great, in better shape; slimmed down, baby fat gone. Still cute as ever and she’s back.

* * *

Hold on for one more day…

Losing my mind in this constant drowning.

* * *

Really struggling to come up with something.

I’ve never been through something like this before. This is really difficult.

Where to begin? Where to start?

The mental retardation of my thoughts is seriously handicapping my capacity to put finger taps into words. I am seriously having difficulties putting words into sentences and then paragraphs and then ultimately into coherent thoughts that express the distractions that I have been going through.

I am definitely having mental difficulties. Definitely.

As my life progresses, a second at a time which adds up to minutes, hours, days, months, years, I do realize that as I get older, things change.

I have always known that things change for better or worse, but it always felt that I have some form of control and say on how I want things rendered.

But it just seems like things are out of my hands, my control.

This little mid-life that I am experiencing has no root in anything that I am aware of. It just showed up.

Where did it come from? How did it sprout?

Why?

It is just there and it is something that I can’t shake.

As I look around at the things that were my usual distractions, things that my heart usually harp on, I just seem to give up and let things go.

That pull that they usually have over me doesn’t really have any effect on me anymore. I just let it be. Let them be.

Am I gone? Is this heart of mine tired of playing these games of yearning and panging?

Maybe.

It is tired of this sense of ennui. It is just tired.

It needs to rest and just beat on its own without any reason to. It just needs to beat for a while, march on with its usual cadence.

Beat.

Thup-Thup.

* * *

I see you walking down the hall, you noticing me, smiling at me.

You are just being you, your nice sweet self. You want to talk. I see that.

Normally I would just be head over heels bonkers at the opportunity, but now, recently, I just want to do what I need to do and leave.

I’ve changed. Something in me just snapped and I just can’t do this anymore. I need to focus and not think about something that I just can’t have.

What’s the point?

Is there really any point?

I don’t think there is.

Focus.

That’s all I need.

Focus.

Work on things.

I need something to drive my existence and I think I lost it somewhere, somehow.

Over.

Things are just over.

* * *

My heart is closed for business.