Just waiting as I sit here to type my little diddy. It is my usual diatribes of nonsense and gibberish.

There is nothing of relevance on the thing that I have to say anymore.

Nothing.

* * *

Little flickers of my mind, little glimmers of you.

It happened one night not too long ago where you just magically appeared. It was one of those moments where we just ran into each other for no rhyme or reason, the universe brought us together again because it can.

Your hair was darker in my flickering images, your natural hair color, but you were still so beautiful in it. We caught up like we normally do, talking in our own little sing songs. You reached out for my hand and held it and I didn’t want to let you go and you felt the same. You didn’t want to leave. You held on to me.

Dreams.

That was only a dream; a glimmer of hope in my subconscious.

Then, the other night happened. It was just a random night, just a whim of getting some dinner, which I thought of skipping. I thought I could have skipped it, but I felt some hanger pangs, needing something to hold me over.

I took a little walk to TJs with Pickles and then I saw you.

You were there.

It wasn’t like in my dreams, it was reality.

You were you, the exact image of how I last saw you.

It was a meet greet of catching up. There was no awkwardness, not weirdness. It was just right.

You said hi to Pickles as he really took to you as he normally does. I don’t understand that dog on who he likes and who he doesn’t. At least with me, there is a reason. He’s so random.

But we just caught up, catching each other up on our lives, doing our little sing songs.

We then shopped together.

It was cute and then it was over. Our long embraces and hugs left us on a good note.

It was a great joyous happenstance for me.

It was something that lifted the spirit, which the universe love to play their little games.

The mysterious world, working its little games.

* * *

No therapy today. It has been moved to Tuesday.

I don’t know what I want to focus on. Maybe just how to get out of this thing that I am in.

I’m just a mess of issues that I just need to find out where to start. I have a lot of shit to wade through so I can get to the root of everything and change. Succumb to the fucking urge to just get my shit together and just change. Be a better man. Be a better person. Just do it.

Just do it.

* * *

Thanksgiving is next week, just around the corner.

Again, I was invited to Uncle’s for their shindig, and again, I opted to not go and dog sit instead.

I just don’t know why I am avoiding family. I just feel more comfortable being by myself with a houseful of dogs.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, I really don’t.

Am I in such a thing where I would rather be alone or I just don’t want to deal with family right now and their questions of my social life and lack of girlfriend?

Am I in such a state where that is actually bothering me?

I know that when Uncle told me that mom doesn’t like to talk about it and cries, that got me really angry. That was fucked. It did bother me.

I don’t know.

What is it?

Does it have to do with it being Dad’s 10 year? It maybe.

* * *

Maybe it does have to do with it.

It’s been 10 years. Is it my one last hurrah of mourning before I make a change and be okay with it?

I don’t know, I do know that I miss him. I miss my father. I miss my daddy.

Maybe it is because of it I am seeking help. 10 years is long enough to mourn. I need to move on, I need to heal so I can just be a better person.

Maybe.

* * *

It’s a life of maybes.

My life has gotten to be a lot about my choices.

Everything is a choice and it has come to a point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

Before, it seemed that the choices were easy to make. I knew the consequences of my choices, because in a way they were safe.

Now, I don’t know. Should I play it safe or should I take more risks.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

When did life stop getting easy and has gotten so hard?

Just when you thought that you have everything under control, one day you wake up and you question everything that made you who you are.

Funny how the universe works.

Fucking universe.

* * *

Tired.

It was a late night of drinking and singing. It was a night of boy bands and pop. It was a night out.

Tired.

I can’t even think straight or put thoughts together to make anything coherent. It was a rough night of sleep along with an early morning of nothingness which was meant to be a teeth cleaning.

I used up my allotted numbers of cleanings per year and yet they want me to come in for another cleaning and pay out of pocket. It wasn’t much, but still, it was still a substantial amount that I shouldn’t have to pay for if I had insurance.

It was just a clusterfuck of a morning.

Tired.

Time is counting down and clicking along as things just move swiftly on. Time flows by its steady cadence not caring about those who doesn’t have much time. Time saunters on without care.

I want to be time. I want to be something that is of arbitrary importance based on someone’s value of it. I want that I want to be that.

Tired.

Nothing makes sense.

Tired.

* * *

There’s an over sensitivity in me that is picking up on things that I can’t make out.

Interest.

Is there interest or is there just genuine niceness. I can’t tell.

Are they flirting with me, interested in me or are they just being nice girls that they are. I can’t tell.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell.

Interest.

I can never tell.

I’m done worrying about it. I’m done thinking about it.

I’m just done.

* * *

I can’t think. I can’t write.

I can’t create and continue on the track that I had been going on with my current script.

I need my brain to function again. It’s not, clouded in this fog of fatigue and restless sleep.

It’s definitely going to be a long long day.

* * *

It’s busy today at the boba shop as I type my little nonsense and ramblings that don’t amount to much. There is definitely nothing substantial that I am writing here.

I am writing small talk.

Worthless. Useless.

There is nothing to get out of these diatribes of mine. Nothing at all.

* * *

Yamakase.

I went there again. This time, I treated Cinder to dinner. She covered half of her share and I got the rest.

Again, I was just blown away at how good and simple the food was. There wasn’t anything flashy, nothing pretentious. It was just pure magic. 20 dishes of magic.

Sure there were some that were better than others and of those, some that just utterly left me speechless and craving more, but all of it was just really good food.

Here’s a list of what we had that night.

1. Soy skin with uni
2. Geoduck giant clam baby sardines
3. Oyster uni caviar tarragon
4. Quail egg uni bluefin tuna**
5. steak tartare white truffle butter special sauce bruschetta***
6. Mushroom unagi eggplant
7. Poached east coast baby Scallops steamed french onion uni cream sauce
8. Soft tofu with tomato and olive oil. Soft tofu with uni.
9. Hokkaido hairy crab
10. Duck mushroom plum flavored soba noodle
11. Blue crab bluefin tuna Italian cheese crispy chip
12. Fried beef tenderloin
13. Uni egg custard seafood
14. Sushi- bluefin tuna
15. Bluefin otoro
16. Yellow jack
17. Spanish mackerel
18. Bluefin otoro
19. Tuna uni hand roll crab guts
20. Sherbert.

The blue crab and bluefin over the crispy chip and the beef tartare were definitely the standouts of the night along with the last handroll.

Oh crab guts how do I love thee.

I told Cinder that I might have to make it a quarterly thing because of the seasonal ingredients that are available at different times and she said she’s game.

I guess we will see, but yes, definitely worth the price.

I loved it. Just loved it.

* * *

Dinner.

Pretty much since I woke up, I’ve been thinking about dinner. Trying to figure out the menu and how am I going to cook it. I got a rough idea of what I’m going to cook. I just need to execute it.

Dinner.

Pan Seared Duck Breast w/Honey Balsamic Glaze
Pommes Anna
Duck fat mushrooms
Broccolini

I sincerely hope that it turns out well.

Therapy.

I think it’ll be a good thing. Today was my 2nd session and I decided that I want to work on my father issues and it was a very tearful and snotty session.

I really do believe a lot of my problems are rooted in losing my father, especially at such a young age.

We talked about the guilt that I feel that caused his death, even though it is the most ridiculous thing in the world.

We talked about how proud he was of me, but I never heard it. I hear everyone else say it, but I never heard it and in a way, I will never get that affirmation from him. I need to let that one go. There’s a huge part of me that knows he’s proud of me; that knows that he loves me a lot and that’s all I have and that’s all that I can do about it. Nothing. Just accept it and just move on.

He loved me. I know that. He’s proud of me. I know that.

But for some reason, I just need that affirmation to come from him and not from family or from his boss.

* * *

My heart still hurts.

It still aches for him.

I miss him. I think about him daily. He’s always with me.

* * *

I wasn’t there to help him. I wasn’t there to help my brother and my mom when they found out. I wasn’t there.

I wasn’t there to do anything.

I was just here, doing whatever I’m doing, looking at movies at blockbuster.

I was just here.

Would it have mattered? Would have me be up there be any different?

It may. There’s that uncertainty, but that’s just it, uncertainty.

The fact is that I was away and wasn’t there to have done anything about it.

I couldn’t save him.

And that is something that I have to live with, whether it was possible or not.

* * *

But it was a tearful and messy face day today.

It was cathartic in a way, me being able to cry in front of a stranger. I haven’t cried like that in a while and I seriously do have some underlying unresolved issues about my father’s death.

I still break as if it was still fresh, even though it has been 10 years.

Maybe 10 years is a long enough sentence for me to carry this guilt around? Maybe it is time that I am free and be able to just move on and miss him like everyone else instead of feel this dreaded earth shattering weight of being the cause of his death.

Maybe.

There’s just a lot of maybes in this world. There’s just a lot of uncertainty. Which is funny because nothing is ever that definite. Life is a spectrum of gray from black to white.

There are definites, but those are rare. Everything else is just shades of gray.

* * *

Living my life in shades.

Different levels of control.

Different levels of freedom and independence.

I moved down here for this independence, away from my parents control and over protectiveness.

It’s still a little funny in a way, that even though my father’s been gone for so long, in a way, he still has this control over me. I’m not able to move on and be a better fixed person because of him and his death.

I know a lot of it is my doing. Fuck that, all of it is my doing. Maybe I just need something to justify what I loss, that I give him that control because I miss him.

He’s still in control.

I allow that.

* * *

Change.

Past demons.

Doubt.

Uncertainty.

Untapped potential.

Responsibility.

Being an adult.

Relationships.

Fear of loss.

Guilt.

I am an intricate mess of psycho functionality.

Hopefully one day, I’ll manage to get things untangled and drop these issues.

Hopefully. One day.

One

Day.

* * *

Change.

Being fixed.

I just need to be open to them. I just need to be okay with change and being fixed.

I just have to believe that one day, they will come and things will change. I will be fixed.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

All in the right direction.

Therapy.

This lacking. This need for a change, just something different. I called it my midlife-crisis and maybe it is. Maybe I am playing a short game, but I guess Ms. D had a more appropriate terminology for it, my one-third-life, or simply my third-life crisis.

I know I am going through something. This doesn’t feel like my QLC. It’s so much different about it.

My life was a confused mess back then, full of emotions of not understanding and not knowing.

Now, I know. I understand who I am. Life is good. There are no complaints.

I have a good job. I am in relatively good health, what more can I ask for? Why do I feel this need for a change, or even that there is something lacking?

Maybe there is. Maybe I just need to go out more, meet new people. There are times where I do yearn for human contact. We are social animals.

Maybe that is what is lacking in my life, a well-meaning relationship.

Maybe.

* * *

Therapy.

For the longest time, this has been my therapy and it has been really good for me.

I would write my little rants and my contemplations trying to figure out my life, who I am, where am I going. It was effective. It worked and here I am now, much better than where I was just under 10 years ago.

But now, I think I need some professional help and I am seeking it.

I don’t know what will come out of it. I don’t know if I’ll find my answers, but I am just hoping that it will help me give me some direction to figure out this rut I am in.

* * *

Looking around the interwebs the other day to see if people are talking about the One-Third-Life and I did find a few people who are definitely going through something.

Most of them are equating their QLC with the OTLC, but there are some that do seem to be going through what I’m going through.

That their life is good. They are in a good stable place, but there is just something lacking and they don’t know what it is.

That it is more of a matter of wanting to change themselves rather than changing the situation they are in.

I love the situation that I am. I’m not in debt. I have a great dog. I have the means and will to travel and I most definitely value the independence that I have in doing whatever I want.

It took me years of getting to this point, of finding my happy zen-ness that I am in, but there is that change.

I want to change me. I’m tired of me. I’m bored of me.

I need a new me. I need a metamorphosis of who I am.

My midlife, my one-third-life crisis. It is here.

I guess that is what it means to be in this stage. Once you find yourself and am comfortable with your skin and your direction and your situation, you now want to change into a better you. No, not just a better you, a different you.

With this, I’m making a few changes and a few experiments in who I am.

I have made some changes in my wardrobe, dressing a little more modern as oppose to the more classic style that I am familiar with. Slim plants, more fitting shirts. Things that fit!

Now I haven’t always been fully committed to the change, often only wearing an undershirt wherever I go, or now, my trusted black hoodie, but there are times when I do surprise.

I did that recently when I got a little more dressed up than usual, shirt tucked in, boots, slim khakis that drew much attention.

But then there are times when I am just comfortable wearing comfortable clothes.

Another change or a bad decision for a good cause, I am growing my hair out. It’s a drastic change from my usual buzzed head or spikey mess that I’ve worn for well over half of my life.

There’s a part of me that wants to do it for fun, another part because I just don’t care about me anymore, a small part is to see if I can do it, and lastly, a part of me wanted to do it because I just want to do a good deed and donate my hair.

I believe it is about six inches now at its longest. It’s not the best decision in my life. It is most definitely not. It has been very very annoying, sometimes frustrated with it and just tying it up in pigtails and just not caring.

I have come to another bad decision, and that is go participate in Movember this year. I can’t grow facial hair. I just can’t. It is what it is, but dammit, I’m going to fucking do it.

It’s not like I care that people are going to laugh at me. I already do that enough already. It’s not like I care what other people think about it, I already know. It’s just doing it.

I have control in this. I’ll do it and when December comes, make a decision to either keep it or shave it. It’s just that simple.

* * *

Another day, another continuation.

So, I went this morning to the therapist. It went well, since it was just a simple session. She just asked me a lot of questions, as to why I think I am in this rut that I am in, why I feel that I need to change and she said it was all normal. Everything that I said, she heard a lot before.

So, whether that is a good sign, I’m not sure, but let’s hope that things will go all right.

She knew that I have some unresolved father issues and that will be something that we will be working on. Hopefully.

I hope good can come out of this.

I really do.

* * *

Do I feel better? Do I feel like I have a fair grasp of the situation? Maybe.

I think I have a good understanding of the underlying causes of my issues. I’m aware of them. I don’t think I ever ran away from them. Maybe I just need a little push on how to deal with them, how to find a solution to pull myself from it.

Maybe this is a good idea. I guess I’ll have to see.

* * *

I lost my train of thought. I thought this would be a lot longer, but that flow that I had yesterday is now gone. It was interrupted and I’m trying to get it back. Maybe through a little more finger tapping, things will get better. Maybe. Let’s hope.

…

Dot dot dot.

That’s what my life is about, a series of ellipses. Things will continue on, things are just left hanging, waiting to be finished at a different time.

Life of incompletion, hanging participles, waiting for a finality.

Maybe it is just time for me to pick up things that were left unfinished and just finish them. Maybe it is just time to man up and do things.

There are just so many questions and things that are going through my head. I just need to time and the focus to answer them, to tackle these problems.

* * *

Thought process.

How I think? Maybe she did bring up a good point, I need to change the way I think.

But where to start? How? How can one change the way they think?

They have a certain thought process when it comes to things and they base their decision and judgments off of that. It’s how things was and will always be, but how does one go about changing it, slowly making corrections, pushing and prodding to change things.

How?

I’ve always been a very introspective person, taking everything in, weighing the pros and cons and accounting for my gut feelings. That’s how I process information and then I act on the information that I get. How do I change that?

Should I act without thinking? Should I just go and do something and go with my first reaction and my instinct?

I realize that my over thinking and over analyzing is debilitating.

Changing the way I think. Change is always good, right?

* * *

Change is on the horizon.

I don’t remember the last time I had a feeling like this, this constant need to make a change in my life.

I don’t remember the last time, maybe it was way back in ’07 when I have to decide should I move home with everything that was going on at Goodman. Maybe that was the last time, and I got a new job out of it.

I’m stuck and I don’t know what it is that I am stuck in. Work? Loneliness?

* * *

It’s quiet today. It looks like it is going to shape up to be a quiet day also.

I originally had plans to go visit Danielle’s today to meet Brady with Melissa, but I already cancelled that.

I woke up feeling a little under the weather. My body is tired and I have an itchy throat.

I’m not sure whether that stemmed from me staying up late Friday night or whether it started before and staying up late just made it worse.

I think it might be from Halloween. I wasn’t feeling that good during that day at all.

Maybe my body is just trying to adjust from all the exercise that I have been doing, tired and sore and I am just finally catching up to it. I just need some rest.

But it is going to be another quiet day of solitude. Maybe.

I’ll finish up the cronuts that I have been making and decide if I should give them away, maybe to Melissa. Not sure yet.

* * *

Life is ongoing moments of quiet solitude with little loud bumps along the way.

They are just little bursts of terror, annoyances, and even joy along this road I’m traveling. I just have to bear with it and just go with it, enjoying the little moments, all moments, until I reach my final destination, wherever that might be.

Maybe I do need to slightly change my way of thinking, just a little bit.

I do have a final destination along this road trip of life and that is to live a long fulfilling life.

Maybe I do need to stop rushing to get there and take the long ride more slowly, stopping wherever I feel like stopping to enjoy the sights. Make new road friends along the way until it is their turn to exit. Maybe I should pick up new passengers from time to time, taking them to where they need to go.

Take things slow. I know where I need to go, but I don’t have to follow the same path that everyone else is taking. Take the road less travel. Take the winding road. Take my time. Enjoy the sights. Enjoy my surrounding.

Take everything in and be okay with leaving it when it is time to pass them by and just brace for all the new and unexpected things that comes my way.

Along this road, you know everything thing that is going to come up, you know how the land looks, you know how a city looks, but you don’t know exactly what to expect.

Just be ready to be surprised and be open to everything.

Life is in your hands, but the world is not. Be open to the many surprises that are out there.

If it is time to exit and make a change of direction, stop for gas, a pit stop, or to get food, go with it, do it.

Life is a journey.

And a journey is to be experienced and not a final destination.

Here I am again. My usual routine of finger tapping.

The cool breeze of the air-con blowing down on my head as I type along.

It has been a while since I’ve written anything. It has been just a little under a month since my last entry.

My mind has been elsewhere. My thoughts has been on something else, a new project.

My mind is on the creative and it needs it. It definitely needs the new, the analytical thought process of creating something. I sorely miss it.

I’m taking a break today as I have pretty much figured out the first act and have a rough understanding of what it is that I want to do.

The next step is the big one, as I start the first pages. The typing. The creating. The putting words onto page.

It will begin shortly. Next week; for today is a break.

* * *

So what is it that I want to write about today? So what is it that is on my mind that I need to get words onto page?

I don’t’ know.

Just a little free write as I usually do. Free writing to clear the mind.

The instruments are blowing their little twiddling sound as I type words onto the blank canvas.

Life is a mystery, as we are looking for a blank slate. We are looking for the clean whiteness of new. The whiteness that we can put our own creative touch on, something that we can create, our own little piece of the canvas so we can leave our mark in this world.

I don’t need much. I don’t need much at all.

I’m living in the bare minimal of what many need. I have most everything that a person can possibly need to survive into his golden years.

I have over my head, a steady paycheck. I have a companion that just wants to be next to me.

I have a good appetite and relatively good health.

I have everything that one can possibly need to survive.

But why do I feel that some things are lacking?

Is it because I want too much, or because when it boils down to it, we as social animals need socialization and I’m not getting much of it.

Being a hermit that I am, it is tough to find the socialization sometimes. It is just tough to get the right amount of being alone and being with people.

I just need the right balance and at times, I just need to figure out what the fuck it is that I want.

I just need to.

* * *

You’re still constantly on my mind.

It has been a few months, but I still think about you. Thoughts of you lurk in my consciousness, pulling and tugging at this fragile heart of mine.

There has to come a time when you don’t’ have that affect on me anymore. I’m just waiting, silently waiting.

Am I still in your mind?

Was I ever?

* * *

Secret projects.

Performance art.

Art pieces.

There are so arbitrary now-a-days.

I feel like experimenting. I feel like just doing something that is random and random and just not caring.

It is a social experiment to see where it goes.

I just need an angle.

This is what happens when you are bored in life. You find things to do, just to see the outcome.

* * *

It is a quiet day today at the boba shop.

I’m sitting here alone, like I usually do with no one but the boba girls behind the counter.

There weren’t that many customers today, maybe it is because of the weather, but it is nice to just be able to type along without being distracted by eye candy or just people watching.

It is nice to just be able to focus and ramble on so unfocused that nothing I have written is relevant.

It has been a while to just get thoughts that don’t matter down, to just get it out of my head.

* * *

New project started.

Let’s see how it lasts.

Long game.

* * *

An old draft that I didn’t publish came into my little blogger client this morning.

I’m going to start over instead of continuing on that.

Continuing on.

* * *

Over.

Done.

No more.

It is done.

The last one just did it for me. I know I shouldn’t have acted the way that I have, but it was just disheartening.

I was actually hopeful for once. I was actually excited for once, the possibility.

But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

Maybe I just came on too strong, too weird.

Maybe I was just being too much of me and this was all before we met.

Over.

Done.

No more.

* * *

Life is trudging along in the same trajectory that it has always been.

There’s a longing of a change, some kind of change, whether it is big or small, there’s a desire for something different.

I don’t know what it is yet. I haven’t made a choice yet. I’m still weighing my options and thinking things through.

I just need to figure things out.

Is it time?

Relocation?

Where?

Chicago?

Seattle?

Where?

I have a lot of thinking to do.

* * *

Back. Back in the habit in lovely SoCal.

‘Tis is my home. ‘Tis is the place where I rest my feet.

‘Tis is life.

The drive down to Los Angeles was very uneventful, except for delivering about 200 lbs of shrimp for Gifu. Other than that, it was smooth sailing, easy drive.

* * *

Today is just the tail end of my little mini vacation. It is the last day, so I’m not going to do much. Relax, watch some tv/shows/movies and work on my pictures.

Easy peasy. Simple.

I live the simple life. I love the simple life.

It’s better that way.

* * *

Life is good.

Back to work. Well, tomorrow, I’ll be back to work, sitting at my desk, catching up on whatever it is that I need to catch up on.

Having been away for so long and not socializing as much as I normally would, in the sense of being around people constantly, it is going to be an adjustment. I just hope people don’t drain me. I just hope.

* * *

Leaving yesterday morning, it was the first time that I had such strong sad feelings about leaving. Walking out the house after giving mom a hug, it hurt. I could feel my heart hurting; the tinge of sad pain that comes with a cry.

It was the first time that that happened to me.

Maybe I do really miss home. Maybe moving back to Seattle is a very viable option.

Just maybe.

But spending that day in Seattle, it was nice. It felt right.

A beautiful day in the city, exploring and just taking in the views. It was just nice.

I know I was on vacation and it might just be a little different if I start living there, where I’ll just fall into a status quo like I have done here and not do anything.

I don’t know.

Visiting while on vacation is different than actually living there.

It’s something that is still up in the air. It’s definitely an option.

I have a lot of time to decide, so there’s no rush.

No rush at all.

* * *

Again, that yearly pilgrimage to where I grew up. I’m sitting in the same ol’ coffee shop that I usually do my finger tapping, but the owner isn’t the same.

She sold it to a couple who’s slowly in the middle of a remodeling and learning the ropes. I wish them the best of luck. Right now, they know what my drink is, since I come in every few days here and there and plus I’m easily recognizable with my hair the way it is.

Boy and his dog 2013. What can I say about it?

Let’s start at the beginning, the drive.

I didn’t have a problem with the drive to Fresno. That was fine and uneventful. It felt unlike any other drive that I have done to Fresno. My problem was the drive up to Seattle. It just felt longer, slower, and more tiring. Maybe I am just getting old with my age and my body just can’t handle the drive anymore. I don’t know, but it definitely took its toll on me.

Portland.

That’s when the dog problems started. That’s when Pickles became an asshole.

Pickles and Portland has a long history. Every time that we visited and that I left him at Phinney’s alone while I’m out to dinner, something always happens. He broke out twice. Chewed/slipped out of his leash harness multiple times and destroyed the screen door.

This year, taking everything that I have experienced with Pickles at Portland, I was prepared. He’s got a body harness that is tight. No possible way to slip out of it. I brought out the metal nylon leash. No way can he chew out of it. I slid the screen door back and put a chair in front of it. I locked the deck door. Done and done. Done and done. No way can he slip out. No way at all.

Dinner.

Dinner was fine. Got to caught up with Julie and the kids. Emerson have problems with my hair and Mason thinks I look like an ant. It was fine, they’re kids, and I’m okay with that. I loved it when Emerson pointed out how bad my hair was and that it was stupid in front of the Waitress. It was kind of awesome and cute in the kiddie sort of way.

But dinner was fine. Chatted and caught up with Phinney for a bit and then went home. I do have to say, I was a little bit anxious when I got there. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in. Will Pickles be where I left him? Will he be gone? But he was fucking inside when Emerson opened the garage door.

He was fucking inside.

I looked at the crime scene. The sliding glass door was still closed and locked. I stepped outside, he slipped his harness. Fucking asshole.

I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. How the fuck did this fucker get in?

I didn’t see it until Julie pointed to it. The fucking window. The mother fucking open window that lead to the living room. The windows.

More damage. The window screen in the living room was scratched out, destroyed and pushed out the window. It was too high for Pickles to jump thankfully.

I apologized profusely for his misdeeds, his little tempers tantrums, that fucking asshole. Bitch ass cunt of a dog. My dog.

Julie reported more problems while I was driving up; another window screen got damaged and the ultimate fuck you to everyone, he peed on their bed. That mother fucker.

That was Portland. What a nightmare. We will no longer be having dinner in Portland. It is done. I cannot outsmart him, which is kind of sad.

* * *

Dog issues number two started almost the next day. Pickles seems to have an infestation problem. His ass seems to be bitten all over and then he started to chew on his tail. I knew exactly what he’s going to do, so I bought him some shampoo and an anti irritation spray. Gave him a bath and that seems to help a bit, but his tail was gone.

He had a hot spot. I took him to the vet and he got a steroid injection and an ointment along with the cone of shame.

Thankfully, it all cleared up and everything, and now he’s back to normal.

Karma.

* * *

For this trip has been going as planned. Smooth sailing, dog issues aside. I got to catch up with family, seeing everyone bit by bit and just catching up.

Then I got a few good hiking trips in, one day with Pickles who seems to have enjoyed it immensely. But I did notice that he’s tiring out quickly. He doesn’t have the same kick in his legs anymore. Maybe it is his age that is showing.

It breaks my heart a bit to see that he doesn’t have the same amount of energy anymore, that he’s getting older, but it just warms up to see him try and keep up. He puts up with me. It just makes me smile to see him still try to scare the pigeons, geese, ducks, birds, whenever there is a flock around, even though he’s really tired.

I still see that and it just warms me.

He’s my copilot in life right now, my wingman in my little journeys. He’s my soul mate; if that is possible, but I feel that it is.

* * *

Montana, the small road trip with big gains. The brotherly bonding experience.

Glacier National Park.

I don’t think any words or descriptions that I can come up with can do that place any justice. Let’s just say that it is the most beautiful place I have ever stepped my two feet on in the lower 48.

I was just in complete awe the whole time, especially when we took the shuttle up to Logan’s pass. Just in awe. Just beautiful.

I was a little annoyed with my brother though, sure I shouldn’t have, but I was being impatient.

Whether he was winded from the high altitude and wasn’t able to adjust to it or he was out of shape in terms of cardio with all the workouts that he does or what, I have no idea. His legs started to cramp up and he was slow, and we just started.

Our first hike wasn’t even that strenuous at all. I’ve done worse without any problems, but there will be times when he’s so far behind that I can’t even see him anymore. Both his legs cramped up and that was that.

But he managed to keep up and keep the pace on our second hike, the long one, the most important one. So, that was good, but that fucked up his knees, which he has problems with.

I don’t know how bad it is, but it doesn’t seem like he can walk on it.

We took it easy on the second day with a short easy hike. After we got to Avalanche Lake, I went to explore it on my own, leaving him on his own. His knee.

But our time there was nice. Got to ask him a few questions in regards to his social life and dating. It was awkward, but I needed to know.

The scenery is very nice. I miss it already. I miss it already.

* * *

A new day, a new stride, but same ol’ paradise.

My days up here are coming to an end. My days are numbered, before I hit in my steel contraption on wheels and drive the 18 hours to the place where I rest my head. Home.

Home is such a relative term.

Many people say Home is where the heart is, but I think, Home is where you make it.

I have two homes. The new found old home that I have made up here in the great ol’ Pacific Northwest. It’s different from what I grew up with. The lifestyle is different. It’s changed so much, but there is still a semblance of home.

Family surrounds me up here. The dynamics of family has changed so much, so it seems. Whereas growing up it has always been cousins and uncles/aunts on my father’s side, and now, it is a mixture of both.

I make an effort to make all the rounds and visit all of the family that I grew up with. It’s important.

I know many would think that I don’t have a family bone in my body, being that I moved so far away without the thought of moving back, but I do love family.

Why wouldn’t I?

* * *

Seattle.

Proper Seattle.

These past few years, I have been able to explore Seattle like I never was able to do before while I was growing up.

Mainly because I didn’t have the means to do it because my parents were never the type to just go and explore. To them, Seattle was just Chinatown and they were okay with that.

But now, as I gotten to see Seattle more, the different facets of it, I’m falling in love with it more and more.

Spending the day in Seattle the other day, it really did make me miss the PNW. It really made me feel that maybe, just maybe it’ll be okay for me to move back. I don’t have to live with my mom and brother, that would never happen, but to maybe live in Seattle.

Just maybe.

That’s a viable option now.

But there’s still a part of me that still love the life I’m living in Los Angeles, and there’s another big part of me that would just love to pick up and move to Chicago.

Options.

That’s when things get deadly. You have to make a choice and the choice is all on you.

Options.

Life.

It’s such a blank slate. Anything can happen. I can only welcome it with open arms. Take whatever comes my way.

* * *

It has begun. The annual pilgrimage home.

It started out Thursday afternoon and it was an uneventful trip up to Fresno. Pickles was behaving as I was just listening to some podcasts what not. It was a simple and easy ride.

Friday, the day of the drive.

It was an easy ride, clear sailing and very little traffic. But for something reason, it just felt off, like I was going slower than usual. Maybe it was just me and that I’ve been feeling tired lately, but it just felt like it was a longer drive by an hour or I haven’t been driving as fast as I usually do.

It was just strange.

Throughout the drive, I had to deal with Pickles’ gas.

He is having some stomach issues. He doesn’t want to eat, or he’ll eat a little bit.

His stool is a little bloody and soft, but hopefully whatever but he has will get out of his system.

Eventually we made it to Portland.

* * *

Oh Portland. Portland Portland Portland.

What can I say about Portland and Pickles’ behavior in Portland?

He’s a handful; just a fucking crazy dog.

The first year, I tied him in the yard, he slipped out of his collar and found a hole and ran away.

The next year, I tied him on the patio and shut the door to downstairs, but didn’t lock it. Slipped out of his collar and harness and went around the neighborhood.

Last year, I tied him up to patio with his harness and leash, locked the patio door to the downstairs. He chewed through his harness and then clawed at the screen door, wrecking it.

This year, knowing everything that happened in the prior years, I brought out the metal long leash, wrapped it around the foundation of the patio and put on a really tight harness, shut and locked the patio door, slid the screen door back and put a chair in front of it. I outsmarted him. He’s not getting out. I can go out and rest easy.

I was wrong. I was fucking wrong.

We got home and I was feeling a little scared, yet confident that my plan worked. It has to have worked. I outsmarted this guy. He couldn’t get out. But nope, as we went through the garage and opened the door to inside the house, there he was. I was like, how?

I went outside to the patio, his harness was in one piece. So he slipped out. The sliding glass door was closed and locked. How did he get in? The fucking OPEN WINDOW. He destroyed the screen and jumped through.

First thing he probably did was to go for the open window in the front of the house. He pawed and pawed at the screen, and finally pushed it out. Pickles looked out, too high, can’t jump. Then he went to the kitchen to the other open window. Started chewing on it, too high.

Then I guess he started to sniff around the house for me, ended up in the master bedroom and started to make it the master of his domain. Peed on the fucking bed. Fucking peed on the bed.

So pissed. So upset. So fucking angry that he would do something like that.

What the fuck is wrong with him? I wonder what goes on in that head of his to make him just go crazy and need to get out and find me. Why?

Where did the trauma stem from?

That is what I had to go through last night. That was the last event that happened during my first day of the road trip. Fucking Houdini Pickles.

The rest of the ride up to Federal Way was quiet, me seething in anger and thinking about how I could have prevented it or how what I can do about it in the future. There are options, but they are too much.

Frustrating. Very frustrating.

I give it. I gave up. I can’t outsmart him. It’s too taxing to figure out how he would react. I thought I knew him, and I did, but I didn’t see. I was at fault. I didn’t notice the open window. I should have known better.

I should have caught it. It was my responsibility. I was too wrapped up about him being tied up, he couldn’t possibly slip out of his harness.

I was wrong. I paid the price.

I was so wrong.

Fucking asshole piece of shit dog.

Urgh!

* * *

I need to find a boarding facility for him for when I leave for Glacier National Park.

I thought about leaving him in Puyallup, but after everything that has happened, I don’t want to take that chance of him getting out again and destroying stuff. It might be different since Scout would be there, but I don’t want to take that chance. What if he gets out and takes Scout with him. I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like that, that asshole.

So, the research begins for a boarding facility here.

Stiff.

That’s what I was last night. Stiff.

I went out. DTLA. Went to the trendy bars crowded by people that I am not familiar with, with some friends of mine, of which I only know one well.

It was their mission to get me laid. It was their mission to at least get me a number. It was their mission and it was a failure at launch.

Never take an introvert to a loud crowded place. NEVER.

It never works out well, as it’ll always be a night of small talk. Fuck small talk.

It was a night of being in my head, watching whatever was on the television even though I couldn’t hear anything at all.

It was a night of just being out for the sake of being out. It was a night of fulfilling my resolution, to be more social, to go out more.

It was just a night of not fun.

I’m sure the others had fun. They were in their element. They were in their little groove. They like the bars, they like the scene.

It was just too much for me.

I know that I could have been better. I know that I could have made a better effort, but there comes a time when I shouldn’t have to force myself to have a good time. A good time should never be forced. A good time should just exist organically. It should just be.

But it never happened.

It was that.

* * *

Tired.

My trip is coming up and there are just a few more things for me to do.

I need to make a trip to Target to get my usual road trip snacks and treats for the multiple hikes I plan on doing.

I’m really looking forward to this trip.

I just need to get away. I need to get away from people. I need to just be on my own. Me and the open road.

Heavenly.

* * *

Dating sucks.

I think that is all that needs to be said about that.

I’m not meeting anyone. Very little responses.

Blah.

* * *