It’s fucking alive.

It’s back up after nearly 10 days of being down.

Contacted GoDaddy and it seems that the database was down because they had to migrate it from an old server to a new server. They never emailed me about the maintenance and there goes my site.

It took them days to migrate the database over and once they did, there was nothing in the database. They had to find it and restored it from their many backups.

Even then, the site wasn’t up. Called their Tech Support multiple times to get it up and they weren’t able to help.

The database was good, but it’s wasn’t seeing my site. All of my settings were correct, but yep, no go.

Turns out that if I needed to get it up, I’ll have to pay them about $80/mo to get it up, guaranteed. That’s $80 on something that they fucked up, to get this up and running.

So, I opted to do some google and I FUCKING FIXED IT MY FUCKING DAMN SELF.

The host address that they provided for my database was incorrect, so I put in the fucking IP address of the server the database.

Badabing! I’m back!

Yeah, after everything, I think my sight would be fine here but I think I really do want to move it over to WordPress.com. See what happens.

Let’s see what happens.

It’ll be a few months or so before I will because I want to get the work thing taken care of first, but yeah, fucking ass, let’s do this.

Year of change, right?

Let’s change shit up.

* * *

Sick.

I’ve been sick since forever and don’t even remember the last time I felt healthy.

I still have that lingering cough and the stress from work doesn’t help.

The great thing though is I’m on the mend. I’m hacking up green stuff. Great. Awesome.

I think after this, I’ll be in good shape.

I need rest. Sleep.

Sleep and sleep and sleep.

I’m looking forward to my little trip. To my little vacation. I’m looking forward to that. That’s keeping me going.

YOSEMITE.

Back to nature. Back to the woods. Back to the glorious beauty that is Yosemite.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone hiking. Sure, I did some in Italy, but the last time was July 4th weekend. The Rockies.

It’s good to be back in nature again.

One more week to go.

I’ll survive.

* * *

Launch.

Dash.

We’re launching.

Monday.

It’s not perfect, but for a 1.0, I think we are in good shape.

There are a few bugs or things that aren’t working properly, but I’m okay with it. I need a little more guidance on how to do certain things or a better understanding of how some of our Vendor’s tools work.

They documented some processes, but when I tried them, they didn’t work. It seems like I did everything properly, but nope, doesn’t work.

I need to know why.

Most everyone had been working long and hard on this project and in a way, I’m happy to see it go live. It’s going into the wild and then we’ll know what’s actually wrong with it or what works or what people like.

It’s one of my big stressors and once it’s there, I won’t have to worry much about it anymore. It’ll be off my radar for a while as I go back to focusing on SharePoint and Social Bridge migration.

Things are going well on that front as I am steering the HRM team towards using document libraries vs. subsites to manage many of their initiatives.

It’s cleaner.

Just cleaner in terms of management and navigation.

The next thing would be getting a more cohesive experience in terms of navigation and look and feel across the agency.

SharePoint.

I’ll be living and breathing it for years to come, if I do end up staying here.

The future.

So unclear.

The future.

So unknown.

But it comes.

It marches steadily on and on.

* * *

I sit.

All I do is sit.

Life passes me by. Life zooms by.

It’s such a fleeting thing.

Life.

It goes.

I sit and I watch.

I don’t participate in everything that life has to offer.

I do enough to guarantee me existence, but no more.

I don’t seek out people and build a relationship with them. I don’t see out activities that many find interesting and lively.

I don’t.

I’m passive.

I’m passive until it is time for me to act and do, then I spring forward with all the life that I have.

I act on my own volition and on my own emotions, whatever and whenever that may be.

I admit that many of the things that I do don’t make sense to others or even to me at times, but it’s how I live. I act and live based on many things.

My logic. My experience. My sense of security. My emotions.

Sometimes many of these things conflict with each other and anxiety is the result.

That’s life and we just have to go with it.

Find different ways to relax and deal with everything that comes your way.

Find ways to survive.

Life.

It’s a beast.

But there’s a lot of beauty to it.

It’s a magical thing, to be alive, to live, to experience.

* * *

Life.

Magic.

It’s magic.

There’s something special about the simplicity of connecting with someone and get to know them.

There’s no pretense to it. Just a genuine curiosity of how that person thinks and understanding of what makes them tick.

There’s something special about that.

It’s nice to share a simple and subtle flirtation, even if you know that it’s not going to go anywhere. Just to hope that it might, makes my heart goes pitter-patter.

The knowing looks shared between us, each understanding the game that we are playing.

Flirting.

It’s fun.

It’s dangerous.

It’s lively.

It’s these little moments that make life exciting in a sea of mundane.

Life.

It’s ALIVE!

I’m ALIVE.

My site is down.

It had been down since sometime yesterday (2-2-18). So, as I type this, there’s no way to publish this.

I called GoDaddy last night and they said that the server that this was on was corrupted and it was moving to a new one.

When I logged into my account, my hosting is Pending Account Changes. I don’t know what that means. I also saw that there were services that I did not order. So I deleted them.

I don’t know if I got hacked or not, but I think I should change my password.

I think it is time for me to move this site and not host it through GoDaddy. Might be time to just migrate it over to WordPress and have them host it. It’s not too bad.

The look and feel will definitely change as I’ll have to use their basic default themes, but I think I’m quite okay with that. We shall see. I think I get to keep my vanity url too.

I’ll look into it.

We shall see.

* * *

Tired.

I think I am sick again.

I know I am sick again.

Throat is hurting and I’m going deaf and my eyes can’t focus fast enough anymore. Blah. I’m getting old.

I need to rest, but I am going to do some work today for the HRM team, moving their SB sites over and doing backups when I can.

I think I’ll take a break tomorrow for Super Bowl Sunday. I plan on cooking.

Speaking of which, I think I need to do some research as to what are good veggies to tempura.

I need to get back to cooking. I need to get back to relaxing.

Work is killing me.

Things are getting better. Things aren’t getting so crunch time, but things aren’t perfect.

SharePoint is still new at the agency. I think it’s a good tool as long as people understand how to use it and that’ll just take time and learning and process and workflow.

The thing is, I’m not patient.

Not at all.

* * *

Enough.

Enough about work.

I will be taking some time off soon. Just one day to extend an already extended weekend.

I’ll be going to Yosemite over Chinese New Year’s weekend. New Years day is on Friday and it just works out well.

I’ll spend time with Great Uncle on Thursday and then head out to Fresno on Friday and then to Yosemite Friday night.

It’s been too long since I’ve seen family and I think it’ll be good.

I just want to get away from a computer and be in nature for a few days to recharge. I need to get healthy so this sickness doesn’t ruin that little vacation.

I’m going to hike to my heart’s content. I’m going to take in the fresh mountain air and the beautiful scenery.

I going to just fucking Zen out.

I’ll meet up with Steve and his girlfriend too.

A break.

A vacation.

I deserve it.

* * *

Before my site crashed, I’ve been going through my old entries and I think I got to 2007. Four years into it and a good 10 years ago.

Lots have changed.

My writing changed. The pose and lyricism that I once possessed seem so out of reach now. I struggle to put words into sentences. I struggle to write something that doesn’t sound so standard and declarative.

I feel that my writing now is more, this happened and then that happened.

I lost my poetry.

I lost my creativity.

I lost my flow.

That deeply troubles me.

I want it back, but I don’t know how to get it back.

What do I need to do? Write more?

I’ve been writing.

What to do?

I need that rush, that joy of creative writing. I need to feel it in my blood.

I miss it.

Alas, my brain, fried. I can’t’ think. I can do not much than experience blah.

My brain blahed out and that’s where I stand.

As I sit here in the lobby with the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh rumbling with zipping mopeds, motorcycles, and motorbikes, I ponder if traveling with family or even with other people is even worth it.

All I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of the wasted time, I’m tired of the hemming and hawing and the complaining.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe as I have gotten older, I have no tolerance for these things at all.

I know these are things that I’m currently trying to work on in myself, this being accommodating and just letting things be thing, but I don’t know.

I just don’t like to spend the time trying to bargain for a better price when it is already a cheap price. I understand the idea of getting the best deal for your dollar, but still, there is a limit.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe it is just me and I should allow it.

I should just shut my trap and just be happy that I’m on a trip, exploring new parts of the world that I haven’t been to and seeing and experiencing new things. Maybe I should just let things go.

Let it Go as the song says.

Just let it go.

* * *

Stern faces focused and sometimes unfocused on the cluttered road in front of them, the crisscrossing of traffic. I wonder how they do it.

I look at them and at times is amazed at how hectic life is here and the heat…oh man, the heat.

It’s just ridiculous. Blasting upper 90s with high/100% humidity. It’s not a fun place to live.

Dirty air. Dirty streets. Cluttered busy and often loud, Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon is definitely an interesting city.

As we traveled from the states of comparable city/country, Singapore, coming to Saigon and Ha Noi and even Ha Long bay, a poor and somewhat slowly developing country, it was an adjustment.

I’ve been to poor countries before in China, they are pretty bad, but Vietnam falls into a different place. It’s hard to place.

In a way it functions like any nation, country, city of First World status should function.

They have an economy. Their citizens work, and find ways to make money. They have infrastructure, but in a way, there just seems to be no control.

It’s madness.

The rules in this ruleless nature is so miniscule and small, it seems like no one is following it – in terms of driving anyway. As long as you don’t get hit, or hit anyone, everything is fair game.

Follow the small and little street signs and signals that are scattered around the city, but the rest is up to you.

The rest is up to you.

An interesting city indeed.

* * *

I wonder how different this trip would be different if I had gone on it by myself.

I believe Singapore would have been the same, or roughly the same. Since it was kind of planned like I would have planned it. Pick some general attractions that I would want to check out and go.

Vietnam however was out of my hands. I left it up to my mom, I gave up control over that portion because it was her hood, and I thought I could trust her to do it.

I don’t know, the Vietnam portion just doesn’t feel it has gone the way that I hoped.

Maybe it is because I got sick. I think it is that. I’m very irritable when I’m sick and I’m just letting these little things get to me.

That’s an excuse, yes I know, but it is true.

I’m sick.

We still have a few precious hours here tonight and I want to keep it simple. Just go out to dinner tonight with Vi and the family and then call it a night and be up and early tomorrow to check out and finish our trip in Hong Kong.

Control. I have lost it. I have relinquished it and maybe that is why I’m irritable.

Maybe.

* * *

Fearless.

There are some things to learn from the Vietnamese here.

Fearless.

Just be fearless. Just go through and work your way and find you way, slip through the cracks, make your own road, go against the grain.

Just go.

You stop. You crash.

Just go.

Zip. Zoom.

Just go.

* * *

Scattered thoughts.

Maybe I just needed some alone time, away from people, away from family, my brother. I just need to be on my own, and decompress.

It’s been a long time since I had some alone time. I need to recharge.

How can one go about recharging in such a busy and dense city?

I look around and all I see are two-wheelers just zipping by. Many are solo riders, but I’ve seen two stacked, three, four, and even five stacked. Families riding together, a little boy, his younger sister, and baby brother in his mother’s arms riding in the back.

I look at them and wonder, is life hard?

It seems hard.

I’m privileged.

I have it easy.

I would say that I don’t have many struggles or genuine complaints about my life, about this world.

I should look at them and just be relieved and be grateful with what I have.

I should be grateful that I’m on vacation with my family, visiting the country that I was born in but have no recollection of.

I should be grateful that I have a job that can fund this life that I chose to live.

I should be grateful that I have a small handful of friends that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I have family that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I am alive and breathing and am still capable of wandering this only world of ours.

Lesson today, be grateful.

Relax.

Let it go.

Let it go.

* * *

Endings.

Endings leads to new beginnings; a clean slate, just slightly tainted.

Endings.

The constant nagging that I had won over and I just had to do it. Milpitas is over.

In a way, looking back, I guess it has been over for a while. I was just trying to hold out a little longer just hoping that somehow that I might change my mind, that I might be able to throw away whatever excuse I was giving myself as to why it wasn’t working and come to realize that hey, this isn’t bad.

But I was wrong.

It didn’t wrong.

My gut was right again. It just didn’t work out.

I wasn’t in it.

My interest just faded away like the early mists of the morning, burned into little wisps of vapor. Vanish.

Gone.

Was I ever in it?

Maybe it was the restriction. Maybe it was just the being in the relationship with our labels that put the final nail in the coffin.

I wasn’t able to really feel things out. I wasn’t really there.

Unfortunately, I took her by surprise.

Shocked as to what was happening; not understanding my reasons.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

I was the one at fault.

I didn’t see it going anywhere.

My heart wasn’t in it when it should.

That was the problem.

I just lost interest.

Resulting in me hurting her.

That’s the last thing that I wanted to do to anyone, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship.

It ending.

* * *

Time.

It continues to go, ticking on.

Nothing can stop it. Not death, nor the end of the world.

As we get older, time become more valuable because we just have less time left.

With such a diminishing and valuable commodity, why waste it? Why?

It’s not just that you are wasting yours, you have to be conscious that you are wasting others also.

That is also equally if not more important.

Hopefully in the end of everything, after some valuable time has passed, you will understand. I hope that we will understand that it was the best thing.

Hopefully.

* * *

Leaving…leaving on a jet plane.

Maybe it was better this way instead of waiting another two weeks to decide and mull things over on something that I was pretty sure to begin with.

Maybe this was better for her; the time away to think things over and to accept things.

Maybe it was just better.

Maybe.

I’ll be away on my adventures and I will not be stressing over a decision that I have already made and she’ll not have to ponder and wonder if I miss her.

Maybe it was best.

Maybe.

Time.

It can do wonders, if we all use it well.

Time.

It can kill us, if we don’t know how to use it.

Time.

It’s a bitch.

Time.

And we’re a bitch to it.

* * *

It’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe I just can’t be in a relationship.

I’m not equipped to be in one. I don’t know how to be in one.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I just kept feeling that there should have been something more. It was off.

I shouldn’t be having these feelings.

There has to be something more, right?

That’s not normal.

But then again, I don’t know what normal is.

I never been in a relationship long enough to know how one should really feel.

Everyone I have been in, I needed to leave because it just didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like I wanted to be in there.

Maybe it is me.

I’m damaged.

These goods are broken from the start.

It’s really not worth investing in. No money. No time.

Broken.

Damaged goods.

* * *

I feel heavy.

My heart, drowning in weight.

It hangs with what I have done.

When will it be lifted? When will this weight be gone?

I don’t know.

It’s never easy.

I can never come out of this unscathed.

Everyone gets hurt, even if it is me doing it.

It’s never easy.

* * *

In the end, I just hope she understands.

In the end, she didn’t do anything wrong.

In the end, it was me.

Transition.

Life is about transitioning from one time to another. Each minute is a transition. Each day, month, year. Little moments transitioning into the next.

It is that time again. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year. Another number.

35

I’m 35.

I’m in the thick of it; the thick of my 30s and I’m still in this pseudo part of my life where I just can’t focus or put things together. I’m still in my MLC (mid-life crisis).

Or should I just knock this down to my 1/3-Life-Crisis? Either way, I’m still in it.

I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s been a slow process and I don’t see an end in sight.

35.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Did I get wiser? Was this past number a growing number?

Looking back, in a way, I still don’t know. I don’t know what it was.

* * *

Did I become a better person, a growing person in the past number?

Many would say that I have, and many would say no, and others, just don’t know.

I seriously don’t know.

* * *

Another day, another time, but the same ol’.

Another year, another number.

35.

Growth.

It’s a subjective matter, defined in many ways.

For me, as long as I make some movement in the right direction, in getting a better grasp of who I am, of being a better person, which is the right direction for me.

Have I accomplished that in the past year? The year of being 34?

The jury is still out.

I would like to think that I have grown up a little bit more, have a better understanding of my self-worth and what I can or cannot do.

I would like to believe that and in a way I do.

Even though I am in the middle of this crisis, I made a grown up decision to seek out professional help to assist me in talking through these thoughts and troubles that I have.

I never really understood how much of a control issue that I have. It seems to me that I am a control freak. I never thought that I would, but it is true.

Control. I hate it when I don’t have control over situation.

It’s funny in way because on the bigger scale of things, I’m fine with not having control over and I usually don’t sweat it. But there are some moments when it just drives me crazy, like when Hien tweaked his knee at Glacier national Park. It irked me that he was going so slow…beyond my control.

The little things that you learn about yourself that you never think about until you talk about it.

* * *

Life in the year of 34 was really no different than any other year in my thirties.

I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. On my terms and on my rules.

I go out whenever I want. I traveled whenever and where I wanted. I saw and hung out with whoever I wanted.

I even took a few risks that I never thought I would have done.

So yes, it was a growing year. It was a progressive year in getting myself better and getting to the finer me.

It just took baby steps.

* * *

It was also a year of questionable decisions.

I’ve made a lot of choices this past number that many didn’t understand, but I didn’t care.

My hair. I made the decision to grow it out and eventually to donate it early on during the number. It finally came to an end yesterday, as I shaved it off.

But during that time, I wore my hair however I wanted. Down or up. Tied back in pig tails or pony tails or just any which way I can get my hair out of my face.

Sure it looked ridiculous and many people questioned my motives and wanted me to just cut it, but I held strong.

I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. I stuck with it, as a challenge to myself to see if I can do it.

I can, and in the end, it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought.

I grew out my hair. I did it.

I didn’t give up.

I’m sure that had a lot to do with it also. It was a test, something to focus on, to accomplish, and to see if I can because it felt with this mid-life-crisis that I wasn’t fully committing to finishing anything.

But, in the end, I was able to. I stopped a few months shorter than I expected, but it came close to my goal and it worked.

I had enough hair to donate. I did well.

* * *

Change.

34.

Each year comes with its own little quirks and its own little changes and corrections.

And last year was no different.

With the new number came the need to dress differently and I did manage that. I didn’t wear any of my t-shirts last year, but have adopted a hoodie instead or just an undershirt.

There will be times when I dressed more adult, with my button ups and my tighter pants, a hipster as some would put it.

But I didn’t care. It was a change. It was a new me, a different me, a more grown up me.

I’m not totally there yet, but baby steps.

* * *

Socializing is becoming easier and easier.

Lunches and dinners.

Hanging out and eventually trying something else, as in dating and trying to put myself out there.

It’s not perfect nor did it work, but I tried. I made a small effort.

Much of it was at the urging of my shrink, but yes, I did make an effort.

I went out on a few dates, dates that I would never thought I would ever go out on.

It was different, but not really. It gets easier, but it still wasn’t the best.

I just think that online dating just isn’t my thing.

I work better with friends, acquaintances I know and have gotten to know and would like to get better.

That’s how things evolve for me and in a way, that’s how I ended up with Milpitas.

Baby steps.

Slow and stead of just trying to find what is right.

Slow and steady.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

* * *

Growth.

It’s a gradual thing.

As I get older, the slow is slow and gradual and not the extreme up tick that it once was.

Slowly and slow I get a better grasp of who I am, of what I want. Slow and slow.

Slow.

Hopefully maybe, eventually I’ll actually know what I want out of things, of life, of people, of situations, of my future.

Right now, I’m just riding the roller coaster of time, taking whatever comes my way and just picking up whatever I can about myself along the way.

It’s slow and arduous.

It’s random, with a steadiness.

It just is.

Baby steps.

Slow.

* * *

Life is getting easier.

As my problems get smaller and smaller, there are still some big issues that I need to consider.

34 has been a year of contemplation and figuring out those big problems.

Mid-Life-Crisis.

MLC.

Change.

The urge is not pressing down on me where I feel lost anymore.

Maybe my shrink is right and I’m being distracted by the bigger picture.

There was no clear solution to the problem that I have.

The only thing we did was just talk.

No solution.

Maybe I’m just slowly internalizing everything and thinking things over and over so I can come up with a solution on my own.

Will I be successful and see an end to this crisis?

Will 35 be my year of resolution?

I don’t know.

I can only hope.

Hope.

* * *

34.

Focus.

It’s still not there.

It’s still not perfect.

It’s my quiet thoughts in a large and crowded room where I’m screaming to hear myself think.

But it is progress.

I did put myself in situations where I normally wouldn’t be in.

Going out to the cool hip bars, with people I generally wouldn’t hang out with.

But yes, all in all, this lack of focus is still a problem as one can tell from this entry.

It hasn’t gone so well in collecting my thoughts.

It’s all over the place like my mind, like my thoughts, like this crisis.

I just need to find the right balance of forward thinking and backward introspection.

A balance of life.

I just need to find the balance of now.

Now.

34.

Now.

35.

* * *

Change.

It is happening.

Growth.

It is happening.

34.

It’s about the baby steps.

Small growth.

A little bit at a time.

Just small adjustments and corrections.

That’s what I can say about my 34th year.

It was a year of small corrections and adjustments.

It was a year of baby steps.

It was a year of transition.

Will this transition finally end this year?

Only time will tell.

So, here I am, bidding adieu and saying goodbye to 34.

Thank you for the small adjustments. Thank you for the little changes, the baby steps.

Thank you for the memories and the growing joys and pains.

Goodbye 34.

Welcome 35.

I hope that it brings on more changes and challenges.

Here’s to growth and the right direction.

35…bring it.

It’s been almost a month since my last entry.

It’s been almost a year since my last another year older, another year wiser diatribes.

It’s less than a week before I turn another number.

35.

Mid-thirties. I’ll be in the thick of it soon. Just about a week. Just counting down the days.

Have I learned anything? Have I gotten wiser?

I don’t know. I think I need to go back and see what transpired in this past number and see if it was a growing year.

For the most part, I’ve made a lot of progress. But I don’t know. These thoughts will come at another time, another day….in about a week.

* * *

What to write, what to say?

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My love, my life….the city of love at first sight.

The work trip was stressful, very stressful and frustrating at times, but in the end, we got things done. We got what we needed to do finished.

But, it was another mesmerizing experience in that city. There’s just something about that city. There’s just something magical that makes me fall head over heels in love with it every damn time I go there.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely a city for me.

The walking. The transportation. The people, and oh my fucking lord, the sights, the architecture, and the food.

Love. Love. Love.

If Chicago was a girl, I would have wooed and married her right then and there.

As I recounted what went down on the trip and my frustrations to my shrink and then discussed the magic that is the city and told her that I want to move there; she said, “Why not?”

Why not, indeed.

There’s just a lot of things to consider. There’s just quite a bit of things to think about when it comes to a move like this.

Family. Cold. Relocation. Job. Friends.

Just a lot.

But, it is seriously in the back of my mind. Even if I move there for a few years and then move back here. I don’t know, but yes, definitely. It is definitely something that I need to seriously think about.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

Something to seriously consider.

* * *

Change.

Midlife.

Is it still there?

Am I more confused than ever?

I know there are some remnants of what I want to do, but is that unfocused energy, that deathly urge to change, is that still there?

I don’t know.

It is definitely not as strong as it was, but I think ultimately, it is still there.

Maybe this is another conversation to table for another day?

Maybe.

I don’t know. But it seems like some of the pressure I was putting on myself was relieved, but there are still some things that are floating that is gently nudging me in its own way.

Basically, I’m just a confused mess.

Still confused as ever.

* * *

Starting again, starting new.

Cold. Cold cold shivers run through my body as the slight cool breeze of the AC blows ever so gently out the ceiling vent.

The cool air drops heavy in its mass and mixes in with the warm air that my body latches on to for dear life. Cold cold shivers run through my body.

Cold.

Another one on this last day of rest. Another shivering of body feeling ugh as I try to get better from the battle that I lost last week.

It seems that getting older is wreaking havoc on my immune system. No longer strong enough, or young enough to battle the young and tireless germs that are floating around in the unsanitary air.

These tried and true veterans are slowly losing this new battle. Our numbers are dwindling and the fight looks dire.

It could be worse, much worse, but I just need to rest up a little bit more and let them fight their final fight. Maybe they’ll come out of it as victors, restoring my health to what it once was.

Oh, to be young again. Oh, to be young.

* * *

Cold cold cold.

The old man in me thinks things over. It rolls all thoughts around and around, hoping that it can come up with something reasonable. It hope that something makes sense, but everything is just off. Just a little bit.

Things are just off.

Off.

Turning off my brain, turning off my head. Just are things going to work? How are things supposed to just be compatible when my thoughts are with someone else, lusting over them, thinking about them?

How?

How are things supposed to be?

* * *

Do I ever get lonely?

No.

Why do you want to be with someone if you think of it as a ball and chain and that you need so much alone time?

The battle of my two sides. I can’t reconcile them. I need to find a happy balance and I can’t see it.

* * *

It was actually a taxing day at the shrink today. It’s like she doesn’t understand what it’s like being an introvert and why small talk is so tough and so taxing.

Maybe I am just extremely sensitive to it and my aversion to it is just so bad, that I really can’t do it. It’s tough.

With these meetings and groups, I need to go in with a positive attitude.

I’m letting my fear of it get to me.

I see her point and yes, she is right.

She is right, but I still don’t get it.

Small talk.

I hate it.

It just doesn’t work for me.

Fuck.

I need to change. I need to make this happen.

I just need to figure out what I want.

* * *

What else is going on in my head?

What other judgments am I passing or thinking about when I’m trying to get to know these people?

What else is happening?

There has to be something, right?

Why is it easier for me to talk to a three year old than it is for me to talk to an adult?

Am I letting my insecurities get the best of me? What are my insecurities when I’m talking with people?

Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m socializing and that I worry that I’m boring or that they don’t find me interesting?

Is that it?

I need to change the way I think. I need to change the pressure I put on myself in these type of situations.

I need to change the way I see these things.

A different mindset.

Instead of going there to meet new people, I need to find a different purpose.

To have fun.

I need to go and have fun.

Change the mindset, change the outcome.

Change.

* * *

Troubling.

It just seems very troubling for me that I don’t know what it is that I want.

I have always been of two sides.

I have always been of two minds.

How to find the reconciliation?

How?

* * *

Take drastic action.

Make drastic changes.

Force.

My midlife continues.

* * *

Ice breakers.

Questions.

Prompts for small talk.

I need to get better.

* * *

Perhaps.

Just perhaps, this isn’t it.

Perhaps, this is just what it was, a friends with benefits thing. Perhaps this just two lonely people getting together to try things out.

Maybe my feelings for you isn’t as strong as I thought it was and that yours for me is a lot stronger than I thought.

Maybe.

Just perhaps, that it isn’t meant to be.

Just perhaps.

* * *

Friends.

Is it more or am I just incapable of not feeling anymore?

Am I just self-sabotaging myself to be able to be in something? I don’t think I want to believe that I am.

Maybe I am just incapable or maybe it is just that I don’t feel anything special.

I don’t know.

Are the lack of similar interests that important to me? Our different taste in movies and that I love to read and she doesn’t, are these reasons getting in the way of it becoming something more, something stronger?

Or is it just that I’m difficult and I just don’t know what I want.

From an outside perspective, it seems like things aren’t going to work in the long run.

Am I sticking it out in hopes that things would get better or it may be out of convenience?

It’s not like things aren’t bad.

Things are good. I like her and I do enjoy my company.

But there are times when I feel that I need my space and I need some alone time.

I’m going to hurt her.

I really don’t know what to do.

* * *

Decisions.

I have some decisions to make and a lot of thing to think over.

Relationships.

Maybe I’m just not meant for them. Maybe I am just not equipped to be in one.

I am a living contradiction, a man that is of two minds and two hearts, pulled in separate ways — never being able to be one.

A lot to mull over.

* * *

Guilty.

Going on a date and she doesn’t know. I felt guilty.

* * *

What to do?

Talk it out. Talk it out with a third party that knows us.

Talk it out.

* * *

Time.

Time will tell what will happen.

She’s not the only one on my mind as my heart still hasn’t moved on yet.

Ms. D is still there, lingering.

I’m just waiting on something that will never happen.

I’m waiting because it is safe.

Tripping all week.

I’ve been tripping with the family all week. It was a long long week that came and went in a blink of an eye.

I’m tired. So so tired. I don’t think I’ve been so tired before. It was definitely taxing.

I had very very little time to recharge. I had very little time to myself, whenever I can, I steal some. Whatever little time I can.

Overall, it was a good trip though. I had a good time with my mom, and my two aunties, one whom I only spent a few hours with before. But it was a very tiring trip.

It started late Saturday night as I picked them up from the airport at 12:30 AM. Things were fine, as things usually are at that time of the night.

The only problem was that I had a very very busy day with the cleaning and putting up the bike rack and the errands and shoe racks. I barely got any time to relax and watched House of Cards. Then Macaron came over and the rest of the night was moot, even though it was late-ish already.

Tired. Barely any sleep as I couldn’t sleep on the futon that night for some reason.

The next day was our trip out to the 626. For the most part it was fine, it was actually good.

It was a light relaxed day as we went to grab some lunch and did some light shopping before we headed over to their friends house. They just moved in and it was a Viet woman who babysits a ton of kids for $20/day. That’s not a bad price. Very cheap in my opinion, but she was nice and she speaks Canto.

I sat there for a while, just listening to them talk as more and more friends came over to catch up.

For the most part, they haven’t seen each other in over 34 years. There was a lot to talk about and to talk.

I went home, because mom said that I could.

The biggest impression I got was the rowdy kids, all laughing at me, because I had my hair up in my top knot and rat tail. It worked, but later in the night, as I went over to get dinner with them, the kids became more social with me. A little rowdy and kept calling me “Old Man” or “Fuck you, Old Man”. It was kind of funny and cute.

That night was easy. That day was easy.

The rest of the week was a blur. It was just a mess of long hours in the car, me getting tired and not being able to sleep at night. It was fantastic.

Monday should have been an easy easy day, and for the most part it was. We spent most of it in the car, driving up the 5 to SF. It took us about 6 hours or so to get to Chinatown, getting on the new Bay Bridge. It was actually kind of awesome.

We parked and we were on our way down the streets and hills of Chinatown. We crisscrossed the streets back and forth, looking at the vegetables and other novelty items in storefront. About an hour later, they were done.

ALL OF THEM WERE DONE.

So, it being around 4 and mom doesn’t want to go to Big Auntie’s left because she was going to get home late and didn’t want to inconvenience them in having them take us out to dinner, we had to find something else to do.

The Golden Gate Bridge.

We were on our way.

We went to the park, which I had never been, so I was actually kind of excited. We parked the car and did a small hike around. We saw, we took pictures, we explored for a little bit and then we were done.

DONE. All before 5pm.

So, we were going back to Fremont/Union City. Being the brilliant navigator that I am and google maps, instead of going through the city and back to the Bay Bridge, we went to 101 North, across the Golden Gate Bridge and went in a big ass circle. It took almost forever.

Long long long day of bad decisions.

Oh, don’t get me started on having the issues I had all prior to the trip even starting.

1. Getting the bike rack up was a shit show. The drill I borrowed sucked. No power. I broke my shoe rack (which was kind of fortunate ’cause the new shoe racks at Target were much bigger), I drilled multiple holes in my wall, I had to go, last minute to OSH to pick up a stud finder, and on Saturday morning, I had to drive to The Lion’s to pick up a more powerful drill.
2. I had already booked our hotel at the Cosmopolitan for Monday, ’cause the plan was originally to go to Vegas first, then the bay. Mom changed it on me last minute, as I picked her up from the airport, she told me. I was peeved. Very peeved. Because it was so close to the check-in date, I couldn’t cancel the reservation without having to pay for the full day, so I had to call expedia to make just changes and changed the check-in date to Wednesday. Ended up having to spend an extra $200. Fun times

So, we got to auntie’s house, put down our bags and rested about 10 minutes before we were out the door again and in the car to go to dinner. Getting to dinner was another fiasco in itself.

Auntie convince uncle to sit in my car and help me navigate as auntie drove their Pilot. Uncle for some reason got scared and didn’t trust that auntie would get there, so while we were stopped in an intersection, uncle released his seat belt and was about to jump out of the car to switch positions with auntie. When I put a kibosh to that, he ended up calling her to get her directions. It was just a weird and frustrating night.

Dinner in itself went fine. Met up with Cynthia and we just chatted and caught up.

The rest of the trip was fine for the most part.

Getting out of Fremont wasn’t without its headaches, but in the end, we got out and were on our merry way to Sacramento.

The drive was fine and that day was fine.

I got there and managed to take a short nap and then I met first cousins on my mom’s side that I never met before. It was interesting to say the least.

The next day was the long long long drive to Vegas. It happened without any problems. We checked in and rested about an hour or so before we went out to explore the Strip.

I haven’t been there in about 10 years and it was definitely changed. Grant it that I don’t remember much of Vegas from way back when, but it was definitely different, but not really.

As we trekked the strip, mom and the aunties tried to catch up to my fast walking and eventually they got wiped out as Big Auntie’s feet hurt. We went to get dinner and then we went to the room.

I left to sit in a bar for about an hour just to get away and spend some time alone.

The next day we explored the other half of the strip and finally went to eat.

Auntie wasn’t feeling well, but eventually she got better.

The drive back to LA was uneventful.

Friday we went to Wi Day Spa and sauna for a bit. I had a good time sweating, but mom and auntie didn’t sweat as much. I figured. Then we went to Alhambra and met up with Big Auntie’s old friends.

We tried to get out of dinner, but we couldn’t.

Eventually we got home and the next day, we just relaxed and didn’t do anything. I dropped them off at the airport and came home and just crashed.

The whirlwind weekend was over.

I just rested and in a way, I’m still resting.

It was definitely a good trip, albeit with some issues that were beyond my control, but it is definitely something that I would do again. It was for family.

It was for family.

Boxed in triangular, dancing my jig on this wet floor thin ice I’m doing my jig on, I don’t know what is happening with me.

My week has been shit. Literally, shit. Shit shit shit shit. Everywhere I look is just shit.

Things are finally looking to calm down a little bit. Slow and slow, things are slowing down, winding down and beginning to go back to normal, maybe. Just maybe it will be.

It all started with a Macaron getting into the cat food and having the shits. His shits lead to him running away and almost getting hit by a car. I was almost hit too. Yay for getting hit by cars.

His shits of course naturally lead to Pickles’s shits, which he is hopefully getting better from now, since he’s taking medicine for it.

Shit shit shit shit.

Just a shitty weak and I’m glad that it is over. Hopefully things will get better.

* * *

It’s the end of another week or just the beginning of another.

It’s been a week since I’ve written the above and I’m tired. I’m cold and tired.

My allergies has gotten the best of me, but yet, I’m out here just typing away.

Things has progressed in the Sassy Pants front. We had our talk and I guess we had our first official date just the other night.

Things went well. I get a better sense of her personality and her humor. Right up my alley.

Things are going well and I’m not going to think too much of it. One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One date at a time.

Just one….at a time.

* * *

Superbowl is here and I thought it would be a great excuse for me to make some wings. It’s going to be a wings fest today and I’m actually looking forward to it.

Bring it on.

Go Seahawks.

Speaking of sports, it has been a while since I’ve actively watched sports or have I been invested in a game. I think the last time was when the Seahawks were in the Superbowl, way back in ’06. We lost. There were a lot of bad calls.

But before then, it was before I moved down to California.

I guess the reason I watched so much sports back then was because dad watched sports. I guess in a way, it was a way to bond with him, to follow his interests and it was just a different time back then for me.

But, I pretty much shut down this sports watching right when I moved down here…and plus the record breaking Mariners’s season came to an early end during the playoffs to the A’s.

Such disappointment.

But here we are again, Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos.

Go Seahawks!

* * *

Going out.

Meeting new people.

I need to do it.

I really do. If not, then I really am choosing to be alone.

Sassy Pants aside, it does seem that I am truly choosing to live my life alone if I don’t step out of my comfort zone.

I think the group thing, meetup.com would be the best bet for me to meet new people, make new friends, or possibly find someone.

Match.com just really isn’t working for me.

The whole online thing just isn’t for me.

But first, I just need to get myself out of the house more often and explore. I need to be able to just leave Pickles at home and just explore.

Maybe in a way, that’s why I agreed to take in Relish, so I can just go out on my own more often and that Pickles can have a companion at home.

We will see how long this approach goes.

But, I need to get out of the house.

* * *

Staying motivated.

Staying dedicated.

I just need to make a commitment to change.

Every year should be a growing year right? I should learn something new about myself and better myself every year, right?

That’s my motto.

That’s what I try to live by.

Have I done it?

Maybe that is what this push into the MLC was, that I was too comfortable being who I am and that it was just time for me to change more, to better myself.

I just needed an extra push. I need to stop procrastinating and coming up with excuses.

I just need to do.

It should be simple.

It should be great.

Be a better person.

Grow up, just a little more.

* * *