Hair.

It’s finally gone. I chopped it all off Wednesday night and shipped it out to Children With Hairloss the next day.

No more.

Hair.

The journey is over.

Now is time to attempt to be an adult? That’s the plan, anyway.

Adulting.

What fun.

* * *

Hair.

It has so much power.

In movies, it’s usually a symbol of a woman’s femininity and a result of a societal construction of man’s power over a woman.

The long hair makes them more desirable to a man, and that’s the whole point of a woman’s worth. A man’s property.

It’s a common theme in many movies where a woman would cut her hair and then kill herself to escape the man and society’s power over them and to finally have some control over their lives and be free.

I have a similar relationship with hair, especially when I was younger.

It was a control thing.

There will be times when things were getting out of control or when things didn’t go my way, I would get angry and shave my hair off.

Control.

Many exert their control in different ways. Some get tattoos and piercings. Others cut themselves.

I shave my head and a few years ago, I decided to grow it out as a form of control.

* * *

I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I was until I went to therapy. My therapist brought that to my attention and it blew my mind.

It’s true. I like control.

I like control over my life. I like to make my own decisions and don’t like it when forced to do things.

I get easily frustrated when things don’t go my way or when things get out of my control.

In the past few days, I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly prompted this…this need to do something at that time. I wanted to figure out what prompted that rut that I was in and it didn’t really come to me until yesterday or even a little earlier today.

I noted before that around 2011 or maybe about 2012 that things felt a little weird and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I got very sensitive and then the mid-life crisis started to happen. I felt like I was in a rut.

I couldn’t figure out what prompted it.

I’m sure there were little things here and there, like pressures from family to settle down and get married along with societal pressures of whatever it means to be an adult, especially someone who was in their early thirties and what comes with that…marriage, relationships, children, etc.

It all revolves that. That pressure. Societal pressure. Family pressure.

That was a part of it.

I now think there was something deeper, something a little simpler.

2011 was my 10-year anniversary of moving down to Los Angeles to live. I’m sure there were things about figuring out what I have done in those past 10 years and pressure I was putting on myself. The usual bullshit.

The rut and midlife crisis didn’t really hit me until the end of 2012 and early 2013, when I would go months and months without getting a haircut.

Why? It would have been my dad’s 10-year anniversary of passing away.

I didn’t realize that until yesterday morning, in the shower.

10 years.

I didn’t realize it at that time. I was aware of his anniversary, but I wasn’t aware of how it was affecting me.

10 years.

Pressure.

10 years.

Wanted to do good by my family and my mom and ultimately my dad. I want to get married and have children. The usual fanfare of what being an adult means and the girl that I’ve been crushing on didn’t feel the same about me.

Disappointment upon disappointment.

10 years.

There was just a lot of shit at that time.

My mid-life crisis.

The MLC.

That prompted me to do so many things.

I was living and was genuinely happy. I went on my road trips and my vacations, but ultimately, there were too much pressure.

5th uncle wanted me to get married, have children.

Uncle Sat telling me that mom would cry whenever anyone mentions if either my brother or I were married and have children.

Pressure.

There was a lot.

I want to make my mom happy. I love her.

Just pressure.

Mid-life Crisis.

10 years.

I wanted to make my dad proud and he passed away.

I’m all kinds of fucked up in the head. Still am. Just a little.

I’m aware and I know my faults and my psychosis.

It helps to be so aware.

* * *

2013.

10 years.

That was when I decided to grow my hair out and donate it.

My hair was getting long and I didn’t know what to do. I had no motivation to do anything.

MLC. Rut.

During that time, they started production for The Fault In Our Stars movie and Shailene Woodley donated her hair to Children With Hairloss.

I thought that was such a great thing to do. I never grew my hair out before.

I hate long hair.

I wanted to feel that I was in control. I’ll grow my hair out to see if I can do it.

There was a length that I was aiming for, 10 inches.

Let’s see if I can make it.

That was the inspiration.

The rest was history.

My hair grew and I went with the flow of trying to figure out what to do with it.

My funny and funky hairstyles, pigtails, buns, and what not were all new.

Ultimately, that experiment did help me grow. I’ve became more comfortable in my skin and grew even more comfortable with myself.

Confidence and yes, all of it was to help deal with my father’s passing.

All of it was done to deal with is 10 year anniversary.

It makes sense now.

* * *

That was five years ago.

I’ve since donated my hair three times.

The first time, I fell a little bit short of my 10 inches, but I did grow enough to donate my hair.

The second and this last time, I did meet my 10 inches goal. Not all strands were 10 inches, but many were and I was okay with that.

Will I do it again?

I tell myself no.

I’m approaching 40 in a little over a year.

I know there’s nothing special about turning 40, but isn’t that old enough to stop fucking around and just try to be an adult?

I know I talk about how I don’t feel like an adult, especially compared to what I felt adulting meant when I look at my parents.

I’m 40 and I still feel like a fucking kid.

I don’t know what I’m going to do or how to act when I start adulting, but maybe long hair and pig tails ain’t the way to go.

We shall see.

I may realize that all of this thinking about being an adult is just shit talk and do whatever I do anyway. Or maybe I’ll have another mid-life crisis and feel that my life is going off the rails and need another control trip.

I don’t know.

I have no idea.

As of now, there’s no plan to grow my hair out.

I love the short hair.

I love my buzz cut.

It’s so freeing.

I didn’t hate my long hair. I grew to love it. It was so freeing in another way, especially how I wore my hair.

I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought about how I wore my hair.

Pig tails. Multiple buns and whatnot.

Did. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

None.

Zero Fucks.

So freeing.

I wore it with confidence.

It seemed that many were fans of it and I’m sure many weren’t and I couldn’t care less.

I was doing whatever I needed to make it seem like it was less of a chore and more of a fun thing so I can do a good deed.

* * *

Hair.

Gone.

It was a long, fascinating, and wild journey with my hair these last five years.

It was free and also a good growing and teaching time for me.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I learned to be more giving and generous.

It was a growing experience to be better person, which I strive to be every day.

I’m not perfect.

That’s unreachable and definitely unreasonable.

I know my flaws.

I’m okay with them, as long as I know about them, so I can slowly chip away at it and strive to be better.

Hair.

It’s made me a better person without me even knowing it.

It was just a weird thing I decided to do on a whim and it changed me so much and in so many ways.

Hair.

Even though it is gone, I’ll never forget the lessons that it taught me.

Embrace yourself. Be better. Be courageous. Be confident.

Ultimately, somethings just aren’t about you.

Happy Chinese New Year!

It’s the Year of the Dog and we are fully in it now.

Sheeps and Dogs don’t mix, so it might not be a good year for me, but we shall see. I do have to say, I’m much calmer and less stressed than I was previously.

Maybe it is because of the launch and that people are using SharePoint. Of course, there are problems and issues, but that’s any software and server.

But, here I am, back at it, the grind, settling into the quiet routine I setup for myself.

Here I am.

Happy Chinese New Year!

* * *

I drove up to Fresno for the first to visit family. It was hectic and crazy with everyone back home for Chinese New Year’s.

I met my two new little cousins, Santino and Amira. I think that’s what their names are, but they are cute little babies.

Unfortunately, baby Amira was sick and she’s so tiny.

Thankfully, they both didn’t cry when I held them.

I still got it….for the most part.

Family is good. Everyone seems happy and well.

Gifu looks happy, especially with his grandson. Didn’t see him interact much with his granddaughter though. So traditional.

Sister was fine, albeit stressed and a little angry at the lateness of everyone and everything.

Family. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

It’s family. I love my family.

It seems like I’ll be making another trip up to Fresno in June. Loretta’s Chinese wedding banquet. It’ll be small like how Maggie’s was. I think I’ll take an extra day while I’m out there to fully explore and hike King’s Canyon. I didn’t get to hike it last time and I think I’ll just spend the day to do it.

I’ll get a hotel out there or something. I haven’t figured it out yet, but let’s do it.

Overall, my time with the Vongs was great and I look forward to seeing everyone again in June.

I didn’t spend the night with them. They were rushing off to get their yearly family portrait after dinner and I never intended to stay.

I got a hotel in Oakhurst, out near Yosemite that night. It was just way too much for me and for some reason, I couldn’t handle all of the excitement and people.

I was over it and was glad when I left.

* * *

Happy Chinese New Year!

Yosemite.

My meditation.

My Zen.

Nature.

To my mental health.

I had two full days in the park and I needed them.

I planned my first day to be the most strenuous and my second to be the easiest since I planned to meet Steve for dinner that night.

Day one.

Yosemite Falls.

I’ve done this hike before. It was my fourth time and the last time I hiked it, was back in ’08 with my brother. 10 years ago.

Man, 10 years. I was a different person back then, younger and in much better shape.

The weather was perfect for it. Not too hot and not too cold. It was cold in the morning when I got to the park, but as the sun rose, it got better, and as I started hiking, my body temperature rose.

The hike wasn’t too difficult. I’ve done worse, especially in Banff and definitely at the Rockies, but I was dying.

I was tired. I was drained. Also, for the first time in my many years of hiking, I cramped up like a little bitch and thought I couldn’t get up there.

I finally realized that my 38th year of life was a year of bad decisions. I still have a month and some change left. I’m not making any decisions until after my birthday.

My body wasn’t tired, but it was my legs. The cramping became an issue and there was a point where the cramps were so bad that I couldn’t bend my legs. There was a moment when I feared that I might not be able to get down the mountain.

On the way up, I met this much younger white guy (30) who saw me struggling and said that my camera was anchoring me down. In a way, he got a point. I packed it up in my backpack. I wasn’t going to be taking any pictures on the rest of the way up.

But man, he was about 8-9 years younger than I am, much better shape most likely, and he didn’t understand why I was struggling.

I was cramping.

I was severely dehydrated.

Why?

Bad decisions.

Thursday night, I went to happy hour to get a few beers and then I went to dinner and had beer.

I didn’t drink much water that night after I got home and on Friday, I didn’t drink much water in Fresno or my drive. Well, at least I didn’t drink as much as I normally would.

I was dehydrated.

On the hike, I went up fast and strong like I normally would, but my body was dehydrated and that killed me.

Bad decisions.

What ended up happening, I had to rest almost at the top and just hydrate and ate my jerky and my trail mix. I needed to get salt back into my body. I needed electrolytes.

After that small rest, I was good to go. The cramps went away and I was set.

Fuck that guy.

Most of all, fuck me for being stupid.

Never again.

I hope.

I make stupid decisions.

With everything that happened, it took me about 3 hours to reach the top. I’m trying to remember how long it took me last time. I think it was about 3 hours also.

It made me think, if I was in better shape, meaning not dehydrated, would I have made it up in 2.5 hours. Possibly.

Looking at the Yosemite guide board, the hike was rated at 6-8 hours round trip for 7.2 miles. I did it in 4.5 or close to 5 hours. Not bad.

I relaxed while I was up at the top. I found the viewpoint and chilled, then I went to the river and had a nap at the river’s edge. I think that whole hike, including the rest at the top, took me about 6 hours or so.

Not bad at all.

I went hiking to find my Zen. It did help me meditate in a way, especially a hike like that. I didn’t think much about work and I tried not to think about much of anything else. That helped. For the most part, my thoughts about getting up was just enjoying the view and watching my steps until the whole cramping happened.

On the way down, the same thing, my thoughts and focus was more on watching my step and not wanting to roll my ankles.

Focus on the now.

Practicing mindfulness.

Being mindful of my steps.

Zen.

Relaxing.

Until the fucking douchey hipster bros that were hiking down.

There were about six or seven of then hiking down at a slow casual speed loudly talking about beer and wanting to try bud light.

I normally wouldn’t mind much of it if they weren’t so fucking slow and don’t understand the hiking etiquette. There were times when they were walking two-abreast.

Fuck them.

The proper etiquette would be being aware that they are slow and stop, step aside, and let faster hikers pass them. Nope. None of that.

They owned the trail. We’re on their trail and on their fucking time.

Fuck them.

I got tired and angry and I just hiked through them.

Fuck them.

They ruined my Zen a little bit, but after I left them behind, I was in a better mood.

Getting down the falls took me about an hour and a half. Not a bad pace.

Not bad at all.

After the falls, I went to the lower falls and just wandered aimlessly for a bit to figure out the parking situation for the next day and then I drove back to Oakhurst.

It was a nice day, douchey bros and cramping aside. It was a nice day of hiking, peace, not thinking about work, or much of anything.

It was a good day.

I took a shower at the hotel and then went out to dinner and had a few beers. I know, I know, no more alcohol, but I was on vacation.

I ordered too much food, but I was starving and on vacation.

It was a good day.

Day two.

It started a little later than the first day, but no different. The long drive in was no different than the day before.

I got into the park, parked, and was on my way.

I decided to do the Yosemite Valley Loop. I’ve done most of it many times before. It was my slow day, my stroll day. I didn’t want to get all sweaty, stinky, and tired because I know I was going to do some socializing that night.

The day was much quieter and less crowded the day before. I think many people left because there were threats of rain and snow throughout the day, plus it was fucking cold.

It was about 10 degrees colder than the day before.

I strolled and strolled. For most of the day, I was alone. I wasn’t around anyone on the trails. I would cross paths with a few people, but for the most part, I was alone.

It was nice.

The most crowded part of my day, besides getting lunch at the General Store and Cafe was at Mirror Lake.

Mirror Lake was one of the more popular easier hikes, because it was flat.

I finished the loop, which I started a few times, but never finished. It was a nice hike. I enjoyed it.

I met up with Steve around 3:30 or 4 and spent the rest of the day with him and met his girlfriend. We had dinner, chatted, caught up and it was great.

It’s great to see that he’s doing well and that he loves where he is.

I would love it too.

Yosemite is a great place and in a way, I think I could see myself living out there, secluded from people too.

Maybe. One day.

It was nice.

When I left Steve’s, the weather started to roll in and was snowing. I took the long way back to Oakhurst, avoiding the higher elevation of Rte. 41 and took Rte 140 instead.

It was long, but if I could avoid snow in the mountains, at night, for my little civic; yeah, I’m going to do it.

Bright and early Monday, I drove home.

It was a great getaway.

A much-needed getaway.

I need to think about where to go or what to do for March. It’ll be a trip with Pickles and maybe a long drive out somewhere would be nice.

Then I need to commit to what I planned for my birthday.

I’ll do some research soon, but I can’t wait.

Small trips.

Traveling.

Zen.

Do it.

* * *

Happy Chinese New Year!

It’s fucking alive.

It’s back up after nearly 10 days of being down.

Contacted GoDaddy and it seems that the database was down because they had to migrate it from an old server to a new server. They never emailed me about the maintenance and there goes my site.

It took them days to migrate the database over and once they did, there was nothing in the database. They had to find it and restored it from their many backups.

Even then, the site wasn’t up. Called their Tech Support multiple times to get it up and they weren’t able to help.

The database was good, but it’s wasn’t seeing my site. All of my settings were correct, but yep, no go.

Turns out that if I needed to get it up, I’ll have to pay them about $80/mo to get it up, guaranteed. That’s $80 on something that they fucked up, to get this up and running.

So, I opted to do some google and I FUCKING FIXED IT MY FUCKING DAMN SELF.

The host address that they provided for my database was incorrect, so I put in the fucking IP address of the server the database.

Badabing! I’m back!

Yeah, after everything, I think my sight would be fine here but I think I really do want to move it over to WordPress.com. See what happens.

Let’s see what happens.

It’ll be a few months or so before I will because I want to get the work thing taken care of first, but yeah, fucking ass, let’s do this.

Year of change, right?

Let’s change shit up.

* * *

Sick.

I’ve been sick since forever and don’t even remember the last time I felt healthy.

I still have that lingering cough and the stress from work doesn’t help.

The great thing though is I’m on the mend. I’m hacking up green stuff. Great. Awesome.

I think after this, I’ll be in good shape.

I need rest. Sleep.

Sleep and sleep and sleep.

I’m looking forward to my little trip. To my little vacation. I’m looking forward to that. That’s keeping me going.

YOSEMITE.

Back to nature. Back to the woods. Back to the glorious beauty that is Yosemite.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone hiking. Sure, I did some in Italy, but the last time was July 4th weekend. The Rockies.

It’s good to be back in nature again.

One more week to go.

I’ll survive.

* * *

Launch.

Dash.

We’re launching.

Monday.

It’s not perfect, but for a 1.0, I think we are in good shape.

There are a few bugs or things that aren’t working properly, but I’m okay with it. I need a little more guidance on how to do certain things or a better understanding of how some of our Vendor’s tools work.

They documented some processes, but when I tried them, they didn’t work. It seems like I did everything properly, but nope, doesn’t work.

I need to know why.

Most everyone had been working long and hard on this project and in a way, I’m happy to see it go live. It’s going into the wild and then we’ll know what’s actually wrong with it or what works or what people like.

It’s one of my big stressors and once it’s there, I won’t have to worry much about it anymore. It’ll be off my radar for a while as I go back to focusing on SharePoint and Social Bridge migration.

Things are going well on that front as I am steering the HRM team towards using document libraries vs. subsites to manage many of their initiatives.

It’s cleaner.

Just cleaner in terms of management and navigation.

The next thing would be getting a more cohesive experience in terms of navigation and look and feel across the agency.

SharePoint.

I’ll be living and breathing it for years to come, if I do end up staying here.

The future.

So unclear.

The future.

So unknown.

But it comes.

It marches steadily on and on.

* * *

I sit.

All I do is sit.

Life passes me by. Life zooms by.

It’s such a fleeting thing.

Life.

It goes.

I sit and I watch.

I don’t participate in everything that life has to offer.

I do enough to guarantee me existence, but no more.

I don’t seek out people and build a relationship with them. I don’t see out activities that many find interesting and lively.

I don’t.

I’m passive.

I’m passive until it is time for me to act and do, then I spring forward with all the life that I have.

I act on my own volition and on my own emotions, whatever and whenever that may be.

I admit that many of the things that I do don’t make sense to others or even to me at times, but it’s how I live. I act and live based on many things.

My logic. My experience. My sense of security. My emotions.

Sometimes many of these things conflict with each other and anxiety is the result.

That’s life and we just have to go with it.

Find different ways to relax and deal with everything that comes your way.

Find ways to survive.

Life.

It’s a beast.

But there’s a lot of beauty to it.

It’s a magical thing, to be alive, to live, to experience.

* * *

Life.

Magic.

It’s magic.

There’s something special about the simplicity of connecting with someone and get to know them.

There’s no pretense to it. Just a genuine curiosity of how that person thinks and understanding of what makes them tick.

There’s something special about that.

It’s nice to share a simple and subtle flirtation, even if you know that it’s not going to go anywhere. Just to hope that it might, makes my heart goes pitter-patter.

The knowing looks shared between us, each understanding the game that we are playing.

Flirting.

It’s fun.

It’s dangerous.

It’s lively.

It’s these little moments that make life exciting in a sea of mundane.

Life.

It’s ALIVE!

I’m ALIVE.

My site is down.

It had been down since sometime yesterday (2-2-18). So, as I type this, there’s no way to publish this.

I called GoDaddy last night and they said that the server that this was on was corrupted and it was moving to a new one.

When I logged into my account, my hosting is Pending Account Changes. I don’t know what that means. I also saw that there were services that I did not order. So I deleted them.

I don’t know if I got hacked or not, but I think I should change my password.

I think it is time for me to move this site and not host it through GoDaddy. Might be time to just migrate it over to WordPress and have them host it. It’s not too bad.

The look and feel will definitely change as I’ll have to use their basic default themes, but I think I’m quite okay with that. We shall see. I think I get to keep my vanity url too.

I’ll look into it.

We shall see.

* * *

Tired.

I think I am sick again.

I know I am sick again.

Throat is hurting and I’m going deaf and my eyes can’t focus fast enough anymore. Blah. I’m getting old.

I need to rest, but I am going to do some work today for the HRM team, moving their SB sites over and doing backups when I can.

I think I’ll take a break tomorrow for Super Bowl Sunday. I plan on cooking.

Speaking of which, I think I need to do some research as to what are good veggies to tempura.

I need to get back to cooking. I need to get back to relaxing.

Work is killing me.

Things are getting better. Things aren’t getting so crunch time, but things aren’t perfect.

SharePoint is still new at the agency. I think it’s a good tool as long as people understand how to use it and that’ll just take time and learning and process and workflow.

The thing is, I’m not patient.

Not at all.

* * *

Enough.

Enough about work.

I will be taking some time off soon. Just one day to extend an already extended weekend.

I’ll be going to Yosemite over Chinese New Year’s weekend. New Years day is on Friday and it just works out well.

I’ll spend time with Great Uncle on Thursday and then head out to Fresno on Friday and then to Yosemite Friday night.

It’s been too long since I’ve seen family and I think it’ll be good.

I just want to get away from a computer and be in nature for a few days to recharge. I need to get healthy so this sickness doesn’t ruin that little vacation.

I’m going to hike to my heart’s content. I’m going to take in the fresh mountain air and the beautiful scenery.

I going to just fucking Zen out.

I’ll meet up with Steve and his girlfriend too.

A break.

A vacation.

I deserve it.

* * *

Before my site crashed, I’ve been going through my old entries and I think I got to 2007. Four years into it and a good 10 years ago.

Lots have changed.

My writing changed. The pose and lyricism that I once possessed seem so out of reach now. I struggle to put words into sentences. I struggle to write something that doesn’t sound so standard and declarative.

I feel that my writing now is more, this happened and then that happened.

I lost my poetry.

I lost my creativity.

I lost my flow.

That deeply troubles me.

I want it back, but I don’t know how to get it back.

What do I need to do? Write more?

I’ve been writing.

What to do?

I need that rush, that joy of creative writing. I need to feel it in my blood.

I miss it.

Alas, my brain, fried. I can’t’ think. I can do not much than experience blah.

My brain blahed out and that’s where I stand.

As I sit here in the lobby with the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh rumbling with zipping mopeds, motorcycles, and motorbikes, I ponder if traveling with family or even with other people is even worth it.

All I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of the wasted time, I’m tired of the hemming and hawing and the complaining.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe as I have gotten older, I have no tolerance for these things at all.

I know these are things that I’m currently trying to work on in myself, this being accommodating and just letting things be thing, but I don’t know.

I just don’t like to spend the time trying to bargain for a better price when it is already a cheap price. I understand the idea of getting the best deal for your dollar, but still, there is a limit.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe it is just me and I should allow it.

I should just shut my trap and just be happy that I’m on a trip, exploring new parts of the world that I haven’t been to and seeing and experiencing new things. Maybe I should just let things go.

Let it Go as the song says.

Just let it go.

* * *

Stern faces focused and sometimes unfocused on the cluttered road in front of them, the crisscrossing of traffic. I wonder how they do it.

I look at them and at times is amazed at how hectic life is here and the heat…oh man, the heat.

It’s just ridiculous. Blasting upper 90s with high/100% humidity. It’s not a fun place to live.

Dirty air. Dirty streets. Cluttered busy and often loud, Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon is definitely an interesting city.

As we traveled from the states of comparable city/country, Singapore, coming to Saigon and Ha Noi and even Ha Long bay, a poor and somewhat slowly developing country, it was an adjustment.

I’ve been to poor countries before in China, they are pretty bad, but Vietnam falls into a different place. It’s hard to place.

In a way it functions like any nation, country, city of First World status should function.

They have an economy. Their citizens work, and find ways to make money. They have infrastructure, but in a way, there just seems to be no control.

It’s madness.

The rules in this ruleless nature is so miniscule and small, it seems like no one is following it – in terms of driving anyway. As long as you don’t get hit, or hit anyone, everything is fair game.

Follow the small and little street signs and signals that are scattered around the city, but the rest is up to you.

The rest is up to you.

An interesting city indeed.

* * *

I wonder how different this trip would be different if I had gone on it by myself.

I believe Singapore would have been the same, or roughly the same. Since it was kind of planned like I would have planned it. Pick some general attractions that I would want to check out and go.

Vietnam however was out of my hands. I left it up to my mom, I gave up control over that portion because it was her hood, and I thought I could trust her to do it.

I don’t know, the Vietnam portion just doesn’t feel it has gone the way that I hoped.

Maybe it is because I got sick. I think it is that. I’m very irritable when I’m sick and I’m just letting these little things get to me.

That’s an excuse, yes I know, but it is true.

I’m sick.

We still have a few precious hours here tonight and I want to keep it simple. Just go out to dinner tonight with Vi and the family and then call it a night and be up and early tomorrow to check out and finish our trip in Hong Kong.

Control. I have lost it. I have relinquished it and maybe that is why I’m irritable.

Maybe.

* * *

Fearless.

There are some things to learn from the Vietnamese here.

Fearless.

Just be fearless. Just go through and work your way and find you way, slip through the cracks, make your own road, go against the grain.

Just go.

You stop. You crash.

Just go.

Zip. Zoom.

Just go.

* * *

Scattered thoughts.

Maybe I just needed some alone time, away from people, away from family, my brother. I just need to be on my own, and decompress.

It’s been a long time since I had some alone time. I need to recharge.

How can one go about recharging in such a busy and dense city?

I look around and all I see are two-wheelers just zipping by. Many are solo riders, but I’ve seen two stacked, three, four, and even five stacked. Families riding together, a little boy, his younger sister, and baby brother in his mother’s arms riding in the back.

I look at them and wonder, is life hard?

It seems hard.

I’m privileged.

I have it easy.

I would say that I don’t have many struggles or genuine complaints about my life, about this world.

I should look at them and just be relieved and be grateful with what I have.

I should be grateful that I’m on vacation with my family, visiting the country that I was born in but have no recollection of.

I should be grateful that I have a job that can fund this life that I chose to live.

I should be grateful that I have a small handful of friends that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I have family that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I am alive and breathing and am still capable of wandering this only world of ours.

Lesson today, be grateful.

Relax.

Let it go.

Let it go.

* * *

Endings.

Endings leads to new beginnings; a clean slate, just slightly tainted.

Endings.

The constant nagging that I had won over and I just had to do it. Milpitas is over.

In a way, looking back, I guess it has been over for a while. I was just trying to hold out a little longer just hoping that somehow that I might change my mind, that I might be able to throw away whatever excuse I was giving myself as to why it wasn’t working and come to realize that hey, this isn’t bad.

But I was wrong.

It didn’t wrong.

My gut was right again. It just didn’t work out.

I wasn’t in it.

My interest just faded away like the early mists of the morning, burned into little wisps of vapor. Vanish.

Gone.

Was I ever in it?

Maybe it was the restriction. Maybe it was just the being in the relationship with our labels that put the final nail in the coffin.

I wasn’t able to really feel things out. I wasn’t really there.

Unfortunately, I took her by surprise.

Shocked as to what was happening; not understanding my reasons.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

I was the one at fault.

I didn’t see it going anywhere.

My heart wasn’t in it when it should.

That was the problem.

I just lost interest.

Resulting in me hurting her.

That’s the last thing that I wanted to do to anyone, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship.

It ending.

* * *

Time.

It continues to go, ticking on.

Nothing can stop it. Not death, nor the end of the world.

As we get older, time become more valuable because we just have less time left.

With such a diminishing and valuable commodity, why waste it? Why?

It’s not just that you are wasting yours, you have to be conscious that you are wasting others also.

That is also equally if not more important.

Hopefully in the end of everything, after some valuable time has passed, you will understand. I hope that we will understand that it was the best thing.

Hopefully.

* * *

Leaving…leaving on a jet plane.

Maybe it was better this way instead of waiting another two weeks to decide and mull things over on something that I was pretty sure to begin with.

Maybe this was better for her; the time away to think things over and to accept things.

Maybe it was just better.

Maybe.

I’ll be away on my adventures and I will not be stressing over a decision that I have already made and she’ll not have to ponder and wonder if I miss her.

Maybe it was best.

Maybe.

Time.

It can do wonders, if we all use it well.

Time.

It can kill us, if we don’t know how to use it.

Time.

It’s a bitch.

Time.

And we’re a bitch to it.

* * *

It’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe I just can’t be in a relationship.

I’m not equipped to be in one. I don’t know how to be in one.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I just kept feeling that there should have been something more. It was off.

I shouldn’t be having these feelings.

There has to be something more, right?

That’s not normal.

But then again, I don’t know what normal is.

I never been in a relationship long enough to know how one should really feel.

Everyone I have been in, I needed to leave because it just didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like I wanted to be in there.

Maybe it is me.

I’m damaged.

These goods are broken from the start.

It’s really not worth investing in. No money. No time.

Broken.

Damaged goods.

* * *

I feel heavy.

My heart, drowning in weight.

It hangs with what I have done.

When will it be lifted? When will this weight be gone?

I don’t know.

It’s never easy.

I can never come out of this unscathed.

Everyone gets hurt, even if it is me doing it.

It’s never easy.

* * *

In the end, I just hope she understands.

In the end, she didn’t do anything wrong.

In the end, it was me.

Transition.

Life is about transitioning from one time to another. Each minute is a transition. Each day, month, year. Little moments transitioning into the next.

It is that time again. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year. Another number.

35

I’m 35.

I’m in the thick of it; the thick of my 30s and I’m still in this pseudo part of my life where I just can’t focus or put things together. I’m still in my MLC (mid-life crisis).

Or should I just knock this down to my 1/3-Life-Crisis? Either way, I’m still in it.

I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s been a slow process and I don’t see an end in sight.

35.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Did I get wiser? Was this past number a growing number?

Looking back, in a way, I still don’t know. I don’t know what it was.

* * *

Did I become a better person, a growing person in the past number?

Many would say that I have, and many would say no, and others, just don’t know.

I seriously don’t know.

* * *

Another day, another time, but the same ol’.

Another year, another number.

35.

Growth.

It’s a subjective matter, defined in many ways.

For me, as long as I make some movement in the right direction, in getting a better grasp of who I am, of being a better person, which is the right direction for me.

Have I accomplished that in the past year? The year of being 34?

The jury is still out.

I would like to think that I have grown up a little bit more, have a better understanding of my self-worth and what I can or cannot do.

I would like to believe that and in a way I do.

Even though I am in the middle of this crisis, I made a grown up decision to seek out professional help to assist me in talking through these thoughts and troubles that I have.

I never really understood how much of a control issue that I have. It seems to me that I am a control freak. I never thought that I would, but it is true.

Control. I hate it when I don’t have control over situation.

It’s funny in way because on the bigger scale of things, I’m fine with not having control over and I usually don’t sweat it. But there are some moments when it just drives me crazy, like when Hien tweaked his knee at Glacier national Park. It irked me that he was going so slow…beyond my control.

The little things that you learn about yourself that you never think about until you talk about it.

* * *

Life in the year of 34 was really no different than any other year in my thirties.

I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. On my terms and on my rules.

I go out whenever I want. I traveled whenever and where I wanted. I saw and hung out with whoever I wanted.

I even took a few risks that I never thought I would have done.

So yes, it was a growing year. It was a progressive year in getting myself better and getting to the finer me.

It just took baby steps.

* * *

It was also a year of questionable decisions.

I’ve made a lot of choices this past number that many didn’t understand, but I didn’t care.

My hair. I made the decision to grow it out and eventually to donate it early on during the number. It finally came to an end yesterday, as I shaved it off.

But during that time, I wore my hair however I wanted. Down or up. Tied back in pig tails or pony tails or just any which way I can get my hair out of my face.

Sure it looked ridiculous and many people questioned my motives and wanted me to just cut it, but I held strong.

I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. I stuck with it, as a challenge to myself to see if I can do it.

I can, and in the end, it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought.

I grew out my hair. I did it.

I didn’t give up.

I’m sure that had a lot to do with it also. It was a test, something to focus on, to accomplish, and to see if I can because it felt with this mid-life-crisis that I wasn’t fully committing to finishing anything.

But, in the end, I was able to. I stopped a few months shorter than I expected, but it came close to my goal and it worked.

I had enough hair to donate. I did well.

* * *

Change.

34.

Each year comes with its own little quirks and its own little changes and corrections.

And last year was no different.

With the new number came the need to dress differently and I did manage that. I didn’t wear any of my t-shirts last year, but have adopted a hoodie instead or just an undershirt.

There will be times when I dressed more adult, with my button ups and my tighter pants, a hipster as some would put it.

But I didn’t care. It was a change. It was a new me, a different me, a more grown up me.

I’m not totally there yet, but baby steps.

* * *

Socializing is becoming easier and easier.

Lunches and dinners.

Hanging out and eventually trying something else, as in dating and trying to put myself out there.

It’s not perfect nor did it work, but I tried. I made a small effort.

Much of it was at the urging of my shrink, but yes, I did make an effort.

I went out on a few dates, dates that I would never thought I would ever go out on.

It was different, but not really. It gets easier, but it still wasn’t the best.

I just think that online dating just isn’t my thing.

I work better with friends, acquaintances I know and have gotten to know and would like to get better.

That’s how things evolve for me and in a way, that’s how I ended up with Milpitas.

Baby steps.

Slow and stead of just trying to find what is right.

Slow and steady.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

* * *

Growth.

It’s a gradual thing.

As I get older, the slow is slow and gradual and not the extreme up tick that it once was.

Slowly and slow I get a better grasp of who I am, of what I want. Slow and slow.

Slow.

Hopefully maybe, eventually I’ll actually know what I want out of things, of life, of people, of situations, of my future.

Right now, I’m just riding the roller coaster of time, taking whatever comes my way and just picking up whatever I can about myself along the way.

It’s slow and arduous.

It’s random, with a steadiness.

It just is.

Baby steps.

Slow.

* * *

Life is getting easier.

As my problems get smaller and smaller, there are still some big issues that I need to consider.

34 has been a year of contemplation and figuring out those big problems.

Mid-Life-Crisis.

MLC.

Change.

The urge is not pressing down on me where I feel lost anymore.

Maybe my shrink is right and I’m being distracted by the bigger picture.

There was no clear solution to the problem that I have.

The only thing we did was just talk.

No solution.

Maybe I’m just slowly internalizing everything and thinking things over and over so I can come up with a solution on my own.

Will I be successful and see an end to this crisis?

Will 35 be my year of resolution?

I don’t know.

I can only hope.

Hope.

* * *

34.

Focus.

It’s still not there.

It’s still not perfect.

It’s my quiet thoughts in a large and crowded room where I’m screaming to hear myself think.

But it is progress.

I did put myself in situations where I normally wouldn’t be in.

Going out to the cool hip bars, with people I generally wouldn’t hang out with.

But yes, all in all, this lack of focus is still a problem as one can tell from this entry.

It hasn’t gone so well in collecting my thoughts.

It’s all over the place like my mind, like my thoughts, like this crisis.

I just need to find the right balance of forward thinking and backward introspection.

A balance of life.

I just need to find the balance of now.

Now.

34.

Now.

35.

* * *

Change.

It is happening.

Growth.

It is happening.

34.

It’s about the baby steps.

Small growth.

A little bit at a time.

Just small adjustments and corrections.

That’s what I can say about my 34th year.

It was a year of small corrections and adjustments.

It was a year of baby steps.

It was a year of transition.

Will this transition finally end this year?

Only time will tell.

So, here I am, bidding adieu and saying goodbye to 34.

Thank you for the small adjustments. Thank you for the little changes, the baby steps.

Thank you for the memories and the growing joys and pains.

Goodbye 34.

Welcome 35.

I hope that it brings on more changes and challenges.

Here’s to growth and the right direction.

35…bring it.

It’s been almost a month since my last entry.

It’s been almost a year since my last another year older, another year wiser diatribes.

It’s less than a week before I turn another number.

35.

Mid-thirties. I’ll be in the thick of it soon. Just about a week. Just counting down the days.

Have I learned anything? Have I gotten wiser?

I don’t know. I think I need to go back and see what transpired in this past number and see if it was a growing year.

For the most part, I’ve made a lot of progress. But I don’t know. These thoughts will come at another time, another day….in about a week.

* * *

What to write, what to say?

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My love, my life….the city of love at first sight.

The work trip was stressful, very stressful and frustrating at times, but in the end, we got things done. We got what we needed to do finished.

But, it was another mesmerizing experience in that city. There’s just something about that city. There’s just something magical that makes me fall head over heels in love with it every damn time I go there.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely a city for me.

The walking. The transportation. The people, and oh my fucking lord, the sights, the architecture, and the food.

Love. Love. Love.

If Chicago was a girl, I would have wooed and married her right then and there.

As I recounted what went down on the trip and my frustrations to my shrink and then discussed the magic that is the city and told her that I want to move there; she said, “Why not?”

Why not, indeed.

There’s just a lot of things to consider. There’s just quite a bit of things to think about when it comes to a move like this.

Family. Cold. Relocation. Job. Friends.

Just a lot.

But, it is seriously in the back of my mind. Even if I move there for a few years and then move back here. I don’t know, but yes, definitely. It is definitely something that I need to seriously think about.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

Something to seriously consider.

* * *

Change.

Midlife.

Is it still there?

Am I more confused than ever?

I know there are some remnants of what I want to do, but is that unfocused energy, that deathly urge to change, is that still there?

I don’t know.

It is definitely not as strong as it was, but I think ultimately, it is still there.

Maybe this is another conversation to table for another day?

Maybe.

I don’t know. But it seems like some of the pressure I was putting on myself was relieved, but there are still some things that are floating that is gently nudging me in its own way.

Basically, I’m just a confused mess.

Still confused as ever.

* * *

Starting again, starting new.

Cold. Cold cold shivers run through my body as the slight cool breeze of the AC blows ever so gently out the ceiling vent.

The cool air drops heavy in its mass and mixes in with the warm air that my body latches on to for dear life. Cold cold shivers run through my body.

Cold.

Another one on this last day of rest. Another shivering of body feeling ugh as I try to get better from the battle that I lost last week.

It seems that getting older is wreaking havoc on my immune system. No longer strong enough, or young enough to battle the young and tireless germs that are floating around in the unsanitary air.

These tried and true veterans are slowly losing this new battle. Our numbers are dwindling and the fight looks dire.

It could be worse, much worse, but I just need to rest up a little bit more and let them fight their final fight. Maybe they’ll come out of it as victors, restoring my health to what it once was.

Oh, to be young again. Oh, to be young.

* * *

Cold cold cold.

The old man in me thinks things over. It rolls all thoughts around and around, hoping that it can come up with something reasonable. It hope that something makes sense, but everything is just off. Just a little bit.

Things are just off.

Off.

Turning off my brain, turning off my head. Just are things going to work? How are things supposed to just be compatible when my thoughts are with someone else, lusting over them, thinking about them?

How?

How are things supposed to be?

* * *

Do I ever get lonely?

No.

Why do you want to be with someone if you think of it as a ball and chain and that you need so much alone time?

The battle of my two sides. I can’t reconcile them. I need to find a happy balance and I can’t see it.

* * *

It was actually a taxing day at the shrink today. It’s like she doesn’t understand what it’s like being an introvert and why small talk is so tough and so taxing.

Maybe I am just extremely sensitive to it and my aversion to it is just so bad, that I really can’t do it. It’s tough.

With these meetings and groups, I need to go in with a positive attitude.

I’m letting my fear of it get to me.

I see her point and yes, she is right.

She is right, but I still don’t get it.

Small talk.

I hate it.

It just doesn’t work for me.

Fuck.

I need to change. I need to make this happen.

I just need to figure out what I want.

* * *

What else is going on in my head?

What other judgments am I passing or thinking about when I’m trying to get to know these people?

What else is happening?

There has to be something, right?

Why is it easier for me to talk to a three year old than it is for me to talk to an adult?

Am I letting my insecurities get the best of me? What are my insecurities when I’m talking with people?

Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m socializing and that I worry that I’m boring or that they don’t find me interesting?

Is that it?

I need to change the way I think. I need to change the pressure I put on myself in these type of situations.

I need to change the way I see these things.

A different mindset.

Instead of going there to meet new people, I need to find a different purpose.

To have fun.

I need to go and have fun.

Change the mindset, change the outcome.

Change.

* * *

Troubling.

It just seems very troubling for me that I don’t know what it is that I want.

I have always been of two sides.

I have always been of two minds.

How to find the reconciliation?

How?

* * *

Take drastic action.

Make drastic changes.

Force.

My midlife continues.

* * *

Ice breakers.

Questions.

Prompts for small talk.

I need to get better.

* * *

Perhaps.

Just perhaps, this isn’t it.

Perhaps, this is just what it was, a friends with benefits thing. Perhaps this just two lonely people getting together to try things out.

Maybe my feelings for you isn’t as strong as I thought it was and that yours for me is a lot stronger than I thought.

Maybe.

Just perhaps, that it isn’t meant to be.

Just perhaps.

* * *

Friends.

Is it more or am I just incapable of not feeling anymore?

Am I just self-sabotaging myself to be able to be in something? I don’t think I want to believe that I am.

Maybe I am just incapable or maybe it is just that I don’t feel anything special.

I don’t know.

Are the lack of similar interests that important to me? Our different taste in movies and that I love to read and she doesn’t, are these reasons getting in the way of it becoming something more, something stronger?

Or is it just that I’m difficult and I just don’t know what I want.

From an outside perspective, it seems like things aren’t going to work in the long run.

Am I sticking it out in hopes that things would get better or it may be out of convenience?

It’s not like things aren’t bad.

Things are good. I like her and I do enjoy my company.

But there are times when I feel that I need my space and I need some alone time.

I’m going to hurt her.

I really don’t know what to do.

* * *

Decisions.

I have some decisions to make and a lot of thing to think over.

Relationships.

Maybe I’m just not meant for them. Maybe I am just not equipped to be in one.

I am a living contradiction, a man that is of two minds and two hearts, pulled in separate ways — never being able to be one.

A lot to mull over.

* * *

Guilty.

Going on a date and she doesn’t know. I felt guilty.

* * *

What to do?

Talk it out. Talk it out with a third party that knows us.

Talk it out.

* * *

Time.

Time will tell what will happen.

She’s not the only one on my mind as my heart still hasn’t moved on yet.

Ms. D is still there, lingering.

I’m just waiting on something that will never happen.

I’m waiting because it is safe.