There you are, sitting a few chairs down from me, taking in the conversation around you. You pick up your glass with those perfect fragile dainty hands. I wish I were that glass, so I could be held by you, kissed by you as you bring it to your lips. I spill my warmth through your mouth, shooting you with warmth that makes you tingle inside.

I sit stealing glances from time to time weaving in and out of the boring conversation that I

Well, it hasn’t been long since the last time I wrote. It was the other night actually. Why am I writing so soon? i don’t know. I guess I just have to clear my mind on some things. Will I disclose it to you all? No. I think I’ll just write and write and see where things take me.

I find it funny when growing up that my parents taugh me to be nice. If you are nice, good things will happen to you. Help out your friends, be nice to your friends, to the old people, to everyone around you. Share if you have an abundance of something…you know the typical morals that are instilled by parents when growing up. I lived that life. I am a very nice person, with good morals and ethics. I should be living a decent life right now, a damn good life without any problems or should I say that my “niceness” shouldn’t be getting me into trouble.

Well, I don’t know if it has, but I have this lingering feeling that it did. What good is it to be a nice good and decent person if you get shit on all the time. What good is there? If the “good” that comes from being a decent human being that is being shat on all the time is a nice straight trip to Heaven and their lovely bells ringing when I arrive a la Breaking the Waves by Lars Von Trier, then no thanks. God, Heaven, and their Cherub Angels can keep those bells. I don’t need them for I don’t believe in Heaven, Hell, or anywhere else. I don’t know what I believe, but I do know that there shouldn’t be a distinction like that. I think Von Trier knows something more about being shat upon than I do. He made three movies about it. Where the heroine are nice helpful decent human beings, and they are shat upon. Emily Watson in the before mentioned Breaking the Waves, Nicole Kidman in Dogville, and finally Bjork in The Dancer in the Dark. Great heroines that were treated badly; two ended up dead.

I think that with Dogville Von Trier finally fights back, allowing justice to be served 10 fold for all of the injustice that happened. I wish I can do that. Sometimes I believe if I am pushed hard enough, I will fight back with a vengence. But knowing me, it is all talk. Boy oh boy, I need to change things up.

I’m trying to live a peaceful life
Void of any conflict or drama
But they always seem to find me
Biting me on the ass

I think about the life I had before this one
What did I do to deserve this Karma?
It must have been something bad
I think I choked on gas

How long was the rest I had
Must not been long enough to forget what I had
Here I am dreading what is to come
My soul is making up for that life long ago

Soon the universe will collect my debt
I just hope it takes it all in this life
So I am free to start new in the one to come
Living a peaceful life I’ve always dreamt of

Okay, that was bad. it was the first poem that I’ve written in months. But I think it got the gist of what I’m trying to say or what I’m trying to get off my chest. What brought this thought upon me? Well, saw a movie today. Running on Karma. Directed by Johnny To, starring the lovely Cecilia Cheung and Andy Lau. The message of the film is that we have to forget and let go of the grudge that we hold from all the things that have wronged us. Let go and be peaceful. If not, the “karma” will be a poisonous cycle, killing and killing you over and over again in each subsequent life. If we just let go, and “cultivate wholesome deeds” then the world will be a better place. Sure it sounds cheesey, but you know, it is true. All in the all, the movie was all right, but the message is the biggest thing of the movie.

“Life is unfair”. That’s a mantra that I live by. It just isn’t. Good people get shat upon and bad people get to bask in glory and riches. That’s how the way the world work. Sure, some good people get that lucky break and the unfortunate few bad people get their come uppance, but it just seems that there aren’t too many of each. Maybe when good people die, they get to be bad people in their next life. A balance of sorts, a reward for all the “good” they’ve done in the past life and for all of the shit that they had to put up with. In the next life, they can get away with murder. Beat their wives unconscious. Rape the girl down the block. Rob a bank. Mug old grannies. They can do all of these things with very few or no consequences. Maybe in my next life, I can bask in glory and riches. That is a thought right there.

Well, I really don’t have much to say. Honestly, laying here in my bed, iming my cousin, nothing comes to mind to write about. This that you’re reading right now, just mindless rambling.

It’s the end of the week. Hallelujah. This fucking wretched week is over. I’m not stepping in anymore. No more. I absolutely refused, cause it always seems that I get fucked.

So, it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything in here. What has happened?

Not much. Went to Yosemite on the 3rd of July. Just walked and hiked for most of the day. It’s pretty up there. I took tons of pictures. Maybe I’ll post them up some day. I think I may go back again on Veterans Day weekend. Who knows?

What else have been happening in my boring little life? I got a new laptop. Why? Because I find it very difficult to write at home. Too many distractions. The bed, the tv, my lovely dvd’s, the internet (even though I have a wifi card). So I go out and write. I’m just trying to get into a habit of going out and writing.

I finally finished my short that I’m going to shoot, but it needs to be rewritten. It has it’s flaws, and I agree with Scott, there’s just something missing. So, I got to think about it and rewrite it. I may even have to scrap it and write something else. Man is it going to suck.

The photography class is going well. Been printing many of the black and white photos that I have. I still have a couple of rolls of black and white film that I haven’t developed yet. I’ve been too lazy to do it. I’ve been thinking of skipping class tomorrow, especially after this past week. I just want to stay home and just chill, relax. Maybe I’ll do that.

I’m skipping class next week for sure. Lisa is coming down to visit for the weekend. We haven’t planned much. At the moment here is what we have planned. We are going to watch: Garden State, Before Sunset, Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle, Napoleon Dynamite, and The Village. Those are definite plans, I think. Other than that, I think we are going to wing it. I am thinking of taking her to the Getty for a couple of hours. We both like culture, and it’s just been a while since I’ve gone there.

I’m not sure what else there is to do. Maybe explore this city that I live in. Actually go to places I’ve never been with her. I don’t know. It’s in a week, and I’m just waiting patiently for it.

It has been a while since I’ve seen her. Christmas, I think. I had the opportunity to see her when I was there, but she went to lunch when I visited her at work. That’s right. I drove all the way up to Washington, and she dissed me. Some friend. Well, at least she’s making it up by visiting.

Anywho, I’m tired, and sweaty from the humidity and heat from my apartment. Until next time.

Fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, not the sequel to Sister Act, but just “Back in the Habit”.

Well, it’s been a long ass time since I’ve updated this thing. Since April 11th. Well over 2 months. What the hell have I been doing in the past two months? Answer, not much really.

I never thought I was gonna update this thing, cause honestly, I really don’t know what to say. What is there left to say? I never really wanted this journal to fall into the kind of teenage diary that recounts the daily happenings in my life, cause honestly, my days are quite boring. Work, home, and sleep. Wow, that is something that will fill pages, and garner lots and lots of revenue right there.

I’ve always imagined that this journal will be a place for me to share my thoughts about the happenings in my life, how I’m feeling, what I think about certain situations in my life. An outlet for my frustration and anger. But since it’s been a while since I’ve been really really angry or frustrated, I see no point in updating this thing.

As you can tell, I’m just rambling on and on here. Just taking up valuable time, time I can use to do something more productive. That’s what I’m doing. I’m procrastinating.

All right, what has really happened in the past couple of months.

The big thing was that I went back home for my dad’s memorial at the end of May. It was nice. It was nice to go back to see family again. Unlike last year, this was more of a celebration. Again, my family had the ceremony. Me, feeling that it was just pointless, I just go through the motions to please my mom. But I was really relieved when it was over. I don’t have to dread going back to tie up the loose ends, cause it’s already done.

I thought I would have gotten more emotional than I did. I didn’t. I was very dried eyed, but there were a couple moments that just sort of make me choke up.

The first was right after the fire jumping (long story that the outsiders wouldn’t understand and I don’t want to explain). My cousin, Phinney, gave me a hug and whispered in my ear. He said that he still thinks about my “old man” sometimes. You see, my dad loved children, little kids. I guess I get that from him. Always so playful with them. I wonder does he see them as wonders too. Anywho, back to the story. So my cousin said he still thinks about my dad sometimes. My dad has been bugging him about when he’s going to have a kid. Now that he did (Emerson, born April 9th, day before my b-day), my dad isn’t here to see him. To hold him. My dad’s just not here. I didn’t say much to my cousin about that, cause honestly I was really caught off guard by his comment and my emotions at that time. But upon reflection, I think I would have said that my dad would have loved Emerson, cause he’s so adorable. My dad would most definitely bug him about the “whiteness” of Emerson and most definitely about his name.

It just made me think about the day when or if I have children. My dad’s not there to bug me and my wife about children. That was a time when I got choked up.

The other was after the memorial dinner. Before the dinner, my mom told my brother and I to go around and thank all my uncles, aunts, and other elders who came so far to help my family through this ceremony. Everything went fine, it went well, then it got to my 14th uncle (no, I don’t actually have 14 uncles, but that’s where he ranked between all of the children between my grandfather and his brother and the others in his my grandfather’s generation). He basically just told me and my brother that there is no reason to thank him. He’s family. It’s his job to help us out. As long as he’s alive, he’ll be there for me and my family to help me out. There is no need to thank him. I don’t know, it just sort of made me break. I was doing my best to hold in my tears and I looked up at my brother and it seems he was doing the same, and that just made it worse.

I guess for me its just the concept of family. I know I have a large family network. They are my friends and for most of my life, my social life. They were all I needed, but then again, I left them. Again, I’ve always felt alone growing up, even in this large family, and never really felt a part of it. But hearing that, it just made me feel that I was a part of something. Something that really cares for me, something that is there to look out for me and my family. It was just too much.

Those were the two moments that really got me. Those were the two moments that really brought me home, that brought me there to realize what I’m up there for. To pay respect to my father and respect to my family.

I was only up in Washington for a total of three whole days. I drove up to Washington. If I didn’t have to drive, I would have flown and would have stayed much longer, but it didn’t happen that way. I’m a little bummed that I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted up in Washington, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Meh. Let’s move on.

Like I said in my last couple of postings, I’ve been writing more. I’ve finished a new screenplay. The first draft is completed. It is entitled Tall Tales and Flying Pigs. As many of you are aware, I usually send it out to others to read, so I can get feedback and rework what others don’t like. I didn’t do it this time, cause honestly, I’m just so embarrassed at how bad it is, I’m keeping this to myself and Scott (a writing partner, sort of) until I get a chance to think it over and rewrite it. Make it better. Yeah, it’ll be a long while before anyone will ever lay eyes on that script. Honestly, I do have to give myself some credit though. There were some great ideas and concepts behind it, but overall, my writing and the ending just didn’t work. It was just bad folks, worse than 10.5 bad.

I am starting another script. This one is a short, and this is the short that I will actually be shooting. I told Scott (who will help me produce) that I would get it to him two weeks ago, and then by this past Friday. It didn’t happen. I will get it to him by this Friday, and that should be a definitely date. I have outlined it. I know what is happening. All I need is to punch out a first draft and then rewrite/polish it, and then we go on from there. I have it pictured so clearly in my mind, sometimes I feel that I’m constrained to the images in my mind, even though I haven’t written the darn thing yet. What’s holding me back, my laziness, and the fact that there is so much pressure here. This is something that I’m actually going to shoot. This is something that I will actually shoot. My first directing gig, from something that I’ve written, financed with my money. This is the real deal folks.

Again, I got every shot planned out in my head. I know how it will look. I know how long it will be. I know what the pace is. I know what the tone is. It is just a matter of me putting that and displaying that in words on paper. That is the tough part.

Also, my friend, Ella Spink no more, and I have decided to start a book. I forgot how the idea came to be, but I basically helped push her into doing the project with me. We are going to be two strangers who write letters to each other. That’s it. That’s the plan. That is our story. That is our book. I’ve already started the letter. I’m just waiting for her response, then I will respond to her response. It goes and goes. We haven’t decided on how the story is going to work, just that we are two strangers corresponding through mail and falling in and out of love through it. We do not discuss what the other party is going to write. Just respond to the other’s letter and bring in new twists and quirks that builds character and builds story. It’s spontaneous. It’s an interesing idea that I’m sure has been done before, but you know what, I don’t care. It keeps me writing, and it could potentially be something someday.

You see, I’m writing this long thing that just takes up valuable time that I could be using to finish my short script. I’m such a big procrastinator. Now you would think I would stop and go on and start working on my script, but no, I’m not. Ha, see how defiant of myself I am. I will continue this mindless rambling (I guess if I just keep writing and making this entry longer, I don’t have to write for a couple more weeks or months).

I am taking another photography class starting next week. It is a Black & White photography printing class. I will be printing my own pictures. I think it is naturally the next step to my fascination of photography. I got all the necessary supplies, and I have already developed some film with some success and failure (I’ve developed my first role and it came out great. The second role came out bad, slightly underdeveloped). I am to develop four rolls of my friend’s, Chris (who will be the camera man, DP of my short, maybe) film. I just hope I don’t fuck up.

After the class, who knows, I may just make my own darkroom. I don’t have the space, but I’ll work something out.

Now many of my family know that I just bought a new digital SLR camera. It was a spendy acquistion on my part. Again, I’m a compulsive shopper, especially when it comes to toys. It’s a great toy. I have taken hundreds of pictures with it already. It is great. Very liberating cause you don’t have to worry about wasting film, but it doesn’t look as good as film. Don’t think anything digital will look as good as film, but it sure is very close. I think I will still work with film and digital.

I am going hiking again. Starting to go hiking again. Now, with the television season coming to an end, I have a lot of free time on my hand, well more than usual. I think I will go hiking on the weekends. Mostly Sundays, cause I have classes on Saturdays for the next 8 weeks. My first hiking trip will be on July 3rd (I know, it is a Saturday, but I have no classes this week). I’m going to Yosemite National Park. Never been there before. I’m just going for a day hike. Taking my camera(s) with me and hopefully get a couple of great shots. Hopefully, and hopefully not destroy any of my cameras.

Now to the bad news. I think there is something wrong with me, physically. I’m not going to the doctor, cause, I’m a big hypochondriac and a drama queen, so it might be nothing, and besides, I should be seeing a shrink first. But I’ve been fatigued for the past couple of months. Many say it is mono, but I’m not sure. I’m getting a little bit better, but there are still times when my body just want to give out on me. I don’t know what it is, but if it gets worse, I will then have to go to the doctor to see what it is. Maybe it is all psychological. Who knows. I think this “fatigue” is just something that has to do with me being 25. My metabolism is slowing down (getting an unsightly belly). I have very little energy. It may have to do with me ruining my basketball schedule. I stopped playing for a while, or not going out on a regular basis. It may have blown my body’s clock/rhythm out of sync and it is just making up for it. I’m going more regularly now (once a week as scheduled) but whenever I get back from playing, I just crash. I’ll go to bed at 9:30 and not wake up until 8:30 in the morning (thankfully we are playing on Fridays now, so I can sleep in). Never happened before, but I guess it’s just my body adjusting to the sudden exertion of energy on my part.

Now, back to the beginning again. I think now that there is some closure with my father’s passing (the memorial being finished) I think I am going to start to change. Make a conscious effort to go out or be more social. Will it happen, I highly doubt it, but it’s the thought that counts right? I will cut back on my drinking (not that I was drinking much anyway) and will start to go running to get in shape. I will start “researching” again to move on, and to basically work toward what I came down here for. Honestly, I think I have finally found a support group, Scott and Chris, that can actually help me do this. Me actually deciding to write this script and actually saying that I WILL shoot this is a huge step for me. I think I’m a little more confident in myself. Thinking about actually shooting something that I write this summer is getting me really excited (not in that way, that comes naturally, no pun intended). I actually can’t wait. Hopefully it doesn’t suck.

As for the script it self, it is quite embarrassing. I don’t want to go into specifics, but it is very embarrassing. Very autobiographical, well for the most part. Once I’m finished with the film, not the script, I will send it out to all I know and hopefully, I will get some honest feedback on what they liked, and more importantly, what I did wrong, so I know what to do on my second film, if it happens.

All right, I think I have written enough today, tonight. I will write again, hopefully sooner rather than later. Who knows.

I’ll keep you all posted on the production of the short.

Till then.

p.s. I’m married (only fictionally).

Well, it has been a long while since I’ve updated this thing. A very very long while. Don’t know what have gotten into me. Actually I do. I am just lazy, and I don’t really have anything to add.

Now, what have been happening this past two months? Honestly, not much.

I think I have started to write again. Started a new screenplay. Got about 10 pages done, and I started it like 6 weeks ago. Very impressive. Nah, not really. Been really tired. I had a couple glasses of wine tonight with dinner and it is putting me to sleep, so I’m not writing tonight. I was supposed to write this weekend, but after my trip, I felt tired, and just didn’t. Been thinking about updating my journal for a while now, but I really don’t have anything to say, so I am just going to write.

I went to Vegas this past week for a conference for work. Was it fun? No. Was it bad? Well, I don’t know. It was for the Academy of Criminal Justice convention. My company wanted me to go to see how the company is seen in the publishing field. It was all paid for, so I went. Overall, the convention wasn’t too bad. I enjoyed meeting the professors and the authors/editors that I contact on a regular basis. It is nice to finally put a face to an email. Got to know them better, asked what else are they working on, so on and so forth. It was nice.

Now, to the bad side. I had to stand practically everyday, in dress shoes no less. So after about 2 hours of standing per day, my feet hurt up to my knees. It wasn’t fun. I had difficulty walking back to the hotel afterwards. That wasn’t much fun at all. Had difficulty standing and walking, but I got to do what I got to do. I think this whole pain thing started on Tuesday night, the day I got there. After I finished setting up the booth, I checked into my hotel, unpacked and everything. I had to go pick up my Lance Burton tickets at the Monte Carlo (I was going to watch the show on Wednesday). So I went to go pick them up. I was staying at the Stardust. It was on the old part of the Strip, and Monte Carlo was at the other end. I didn’t have much cash on me and I didn’t want to wait in line for a cab, so the genious that I am, I decided to walk. It was a nice 45-60 minute walk. Biggest mistake of my life. My legs were about to give out by the time I got to the Monte Carlo. I picked up the ticket, and decided to watch the show that night, instead of waiting for tomorrow and walking the Strip again. Glad I decided to do that, cause honestly, after that walk, I thought fuck it. I’ll just eat the ticket, and not come back tomorrow.

Many know that I’m not a big fan of Vegas. Not much to do there but gamble, and we all know that I’m not a good gambler. Everytime I go to Vegas I lose, and this time was no different. I was pretty much broke on Wednesday night, and I just got there on Tuesday. Looking back, all I can do was laugh. Why do I even bother? I’m not a very lucky person.

Now, the flight home was even worse. My flight was supposed to depart at 6:30, and I had to get to the airport 3 hours early. so I left at 3:30 and arrived at the airport at 4:30. So I got about a hour and a half till boarding. Boarding time came….the plane never showed up. Looked at the departure board. Delayed till 8:30. I thought, okay, fine. Went to have dinner, came back. Delayed till10:00pm. Apparently, the plane from Chicago to San Francisco, it hit a bird. I guess it had to land somewhere and get fixed. I thought I was going to have to stay there for the long haul, but I got put on standby on another flight and got on it. Flew out at 8:15. Much better than a 10:00 flight, I could tell you that.

Anywho, I am home now. Didn’t do much this weekend but slept. Rested my tired body from this wretched vacation/work thing. It’s going to be a long long long time before I head back to Vegas again.

Well, I actually did see a couple of shows at Vegas while I was there. I saw Lance Burton perform his little magic/illusion act. It was good. i was quite impressed. For the life of me, I still can’t figure out how he did any of the things that he did. Bravo. I also saw an “Exotic Hypnotist” show. Basically, they just the hypnotist just hypnotize the volunteers and make them do some raunchy things. It was quite entertaining. Not as funny as I thought it would be, but it wasn’t bad at all. It was family friendly entertainment.

Again, not much happening in my life at the moment. Nothing unusual or different from any other day. I’ll try to update this more often, but I’m not sure if I will. Meh. We’ll see.

Another year is over, which means tons and tons of top 10 lists for films. Different critics or different cinephiles will put up their list. Each list is different from others, some are almost the same. Here is my list. Instead of a top 10 list, I have listed all the films that I’ve seen in 2003 (some are actually 2002 films that I’ve seen in 2003, or 2003 films I’ve seen in 2004).

How did I rank them? By technical aspects, by story, by entertainment value, by a general affection for the film? I do not know. I just ranked them on how I felt, how memorable they are, and just honestly how much I liked the film. This really isn’t a complete list considering there are a few movies that I haven’t seen, most importantly Cold Mountain, Elephant, and Kill Bill vol. 1and I’m sure there are others that I’ve seen in theatres but I’ve forgotten, or that I’ve thrown away the ticket stub, or that I’ve rented and forgotten that I’ve rented. Well, here is my list.

Lost in Translation
The Station Agent
All the Real Girls
21 Grams
Triplettes de Belleville
Whale Rider
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
In America
Bend it Like Beckham
American Splendor
Bubba Ho-Tep
Infernal Affairs
Love Actually
Bad Santa
Big Fish
Pieces of April
X2: X-Men United
Pirates of the Caribbean
Finding Nemo
Hero
Swimming Pool
Thirteen
The Hulk
May
Down With Love
Elf
Intolerable Cruelty
The Shape of Things
Monster
Lost in La Mancha
Daredevil
The Eye
Confidence
Bringing Down the House
Matrix Reloaded
Matrix Revolutions
Underworld
Better Luck Tomorrow
Charlie

Love. I speak a lot about it in my journal, but I never really talk about love, and my beliefs and my philosophies of love.

Love. What is it? What does it mean to me? Well, obviously it means a lot. There is not one minute of every day that it is not in my mind in one for or another. Whether it is in the back of my head or the forefront of my mind. What it is so hard for me to put into words. What I feel or how it just occupies my mind on a constant basis, it is just hard to relay into words.

Love. Love for me, I guess, is just to be with someone. Someone who understands you. A person, a girl in my case, that you just can’t stand to be without our apart of cause you have a sense of security around them. You feel safe, not because she can protect you. No, it’s much more than that. It is more about her finding you. You fit next to her. You know who you are around her, you know where you are, where you are going, and you finally make some sense of where you have been. I believe being in love with a person can bring that to a person. No sense of loneliness, no sense of being lost, cause you are found, not only by her, but most importantly, by yourself. You found yourself and understand yourself.

Love. It is not physical. Not one bit. It is all emotional, all mental. You don’t have to be with some one physically to be in love with them. All you need is just a mental connection, a connection of the mind. Just a look and you understand what she is thinking. No words need to be passed.

Love. The first thing that clicks is the mental thing. For some, it maybe the physical, but I believe for me, it is the mental connection above all…..

I know many of you probably do not agree what I wrote here or maybe don’t understand what I wrote here. I just find it very difficult for me to put these feelings into words. These ideals which I think of every day, I should be so familiar with, so comfortable with, I should be able to put them into words. Describe the feelings that I long for. I just couldn’t. I can’t. I’ve lost my focus.

* * *
Here is something that I’ve known about myself for a while now. I just thought that it would be nice to share. How I treat girls, how I interact with them. They fall into different classifications. There is about 3 different classes I believe. There are girls I treat much differently than others. I would like to disclose my little code right now. Sometimes you can’t really decipher, cause these are really subtle differences. Many may not even see the differences.

Girls I don’t like:
I really don’t interact with. I am courteous to them, but most of all, I really don’t interact with them that much. I rarely converse with them at all. If they do attempt to make conversation with me, I’ll be courteous and go along with it, but mostly, when it is over, it is over.

Friends
Friends are simple. I joke with them more, I get crude, I become an asshole or a prick. I pick on them. I’m nice, but I can be a prick, and be a little mean. A playful mean, a joking mean, not a mean mean. It’s because I’m not attracted to them, or that I do not see them in that way, I am free to pick on them. There’s no pressure for me to impress them or be nice to them because for me, there really isn’t anything there. I don’t see them that way. Sometimes, things do evolve, but that rarely happens. I believe there was only one that evolved from that.

Girls I like
Girls I like are friends, but with the picking and the prick factor dialed down a little bit, not much, but a little bit. I don’t pick on them that much, I’m not as mean to them. I’m much nicer, more genuine and sincere. That’s it. Sometimes, it is hard to decipher. I’m sure there are other signs that I am not aware of, some mannerisms that come through that show them and others that I like them. Maybe I’ll be aware of them later.

That is it. Simple. I’m going to pay dearly for putting this up, but hey it is up.

Well, I am back again, tired than ever. I was supposed to write tonight. To start another script. I’ve been getting that itch to write again, but this time I do not know what to write. So I just thought that I would write something in my journal. I guess I am putting off the script writing because I went out to play some tennis tonight and that sort of threw me out of my routine.

Anywho, what am I going to write about tonight. For the most part, I do not know. How about a little about my trip, eh?

The trip was nice. It was a nice break. Seeing family again, just hanging out with family again. Going back was a little weird, especially meeting and hanging out with my extended family. I miss so much while I am down here. Their lives went on and so did mine. There was so much that I wasn’t a part of, and I felt like an outsider. It was hard to fit back in again, you know what I mean?

New additions to the family, big changes, new lives, just many things that I missed out. I’m sure they feel the same way about me also. So go the 20 questions as they each try to catch up with me and I do with them. The “So what’s up?” “What have you been up to?” “What are you plans?” “Are you going back to school?” “Are you seeing any one?” I think that was the biggest question, or some derivative of that question, “Are you seeing anyone?” and the answer is a definite no.

Oh, how things have changed and how things haven’t. We all still click, but we all have grown up and moved on. People are hanging out with different people, new wars have started, and old battles have ended. Ahh, how life goes on. How time changes things.

But all in all, family is good. Family is great. Family will always be there. Connections will never be lost, even though it feels like it is hard to connect.

Each one of them wants to get that connection with me, and I with them. My limited time spread thinly between each of them. The 30 seconds of catching up and interruptions don’t lead me anywhere close to catching up, which leads to so much that is loss between us.

It seems like there were so many things I want to talk to each of them about, but I never knew how to start. Never knew what to say or where to start. The usual formalities of catching up. Didn’t know what their conversation threshold is like cause we never really talked that way, and maybe they were afraid to pry also. I don’t know. Isn’t miscommunication grand. I’ve had a great deal of it lately. Just funny.

Children, kids, little ones. They were a wonder as usual. I actually got along with one in particular that I’ve always had problems with. Little Jasmine. She’s a little darling. She wasn’t afraid of me. So was Ethan, aka Clark Kent. So adorable. It’s nice to be around children, cause they don’t know what a wonder they are. Well, it’s nice, until they cry, and then it’s like okay. You are no fun anymore.

I’ve met up with two friends also. I couldn’t get the two of them together for one reason or another, but I got to hang out with both of them. It was nice. Just catching up with J Jones cause we rarely get the chance, and I never lost a step with Lisa cause we still communicate on a regular basis. It’s just like I never left. It is always nice to just sit and drink and talk. Just talk about our lives, catching up. I wish I could do this all day, but sometimes, we just run out of interesting things to say. Meh. Lisa still very insistent that I move back up so we could always hang out. Just don’t understand why she is so insistent. I was never satisfied with her answers.

There were some people that I didn’t get a chance to hang out with more than I actually did. One expecting mother in particular, but I guess next time. Time ran short on my visit and her little visit also. I guess that is what busy people do, they miss each other.

* * *

I had a nice little chat the other day with a friend of mine at work. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked with her like this. Lots of miscommunication and mixed signals between us I think. It was nice talking again. It was great. I asked her specifically what her plans were regarding going back to school. She’s still deciding. She’s in a lull like I am, not really sure what she wants to do. Well, eventually of course, the conversation came to me and where I stand in my life right now. I told her how I’ve been reevaluating my life lately, especially this past year. She said something interesting that makes sense. She told me that she would never want to reach that point in her life where she would stop reevaluating her life, to never reach that point where she never thinks about her life, the choices that she’s made, her regrets, so on and so forth. She doesn’t want to do it because it would mean that she’s gotten comfortable in her life. I think that’s how she put it. I may be misconstruing her words here, but I understood what she was saying. She’s not at the point her life, career wise or fulfillment wise, where she is comfortable enough to not reevaluate it. That’s what she meant.

I feel the same way. I don’t want to not think about my life, where I am, so on and so forth, because it is not where I want to be. Plus, I’ve come a long way this past year. Miles and miles from where I was just a year ago. A lot of growing up this year. I guess for me, and maybe for her, to be comfortable at a place in your life where you are not comfortable with it at all, just means that you have given up. You’ve lost hope.

I had a similar talk with Lisa today. I brought up something regarding how people see me. I always ask other people what their opinion of me is so I can find who I am. Reflection theory, if you will. You are how other people see you. Lisa brought up a good point, people see you differently from other people. No wonder I am confused. She then asked me how do I see myself, and I told her honestly, that I’m angry, though not a lot less angry than I was. I’m getting better. I’m lost, confused as to where I want in life, and where I want to go, and that is frustrating me. I’m in the same boat as many people around my age and in my situation.

We’ve worked it out to the point that I have such high expectation for myself, such high pressures that are pressing on me. I have lots of potential, tons of potential. I know this. Yet, I’ve always felt that I’ve accomplished nothing. I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile.

Lisa’s response. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just live. I am young (I don’t feel it, but I am). I have all the time in the world to accomplish something. I just have to be patient. Just a little patient and let things happen, and in the mean time just live whatever life I see fit.

* * *

All right, enough with the self reflection. On to something funny that my great uncle told me this weekend. The evil Ho family curse.

Apparently, us Ho’s aren’t supposed to marry any one with the last name Chang because there is this family curse cast by one of my great great great great great great great grandfathers.

How did this conversation come to pass? Well my ex-roommate Vicky came down from San Francisco to visit. I met up with her Sunday morning for some Dim Sum. Anywho, since my uncle’s place is nearby, I thought I’d drop by afterwards. He asked me what “wind blew me that way” and I told him I went to Dim Sum with Vicky. Of course hilarity ensued with the elderly and they thought she’s my girlfriend. No no no, I told them. She’s spoken for. Anywho, he asked me what was her last name, and I told him Chang. And out of nowhere, he and my aunt were like, no, don’t mess around with no Changs.

No good will come out of it. No matter what, do not marry any Changs, no matter how beautiful and breath taking the girl may be. Why, I asked. The curse, the evil curse. No good will come out of it. Death, infertility, miscarriages, bad family, just bad things.

Of course, by now, I’m laughing my ass off at how ridiculous this all sounds. He even went as far as to give me examples of other relatives who married Changs. One lead to death, another to infertility. Bad things I would say.

I went ahead and asked him how the curse came to be.

Apparently, many moons and generations ago, my great great great great to a certain extent grandfather was walking down a street. A Chang went up to him and asked if he had any smokes or pipe tobacco or the ganja. My grandfather said he only had some smokes. Upset, the Chang guy took his pipe and whacked my grandfather across the head, cutting him. The next thing, my grandfather is at home, angry, bleeding, pacing back and forth, back and forth in the back yard with a machete, ready to cut someone’s head open and thinking. Just thinking and being angry. He came to the conclusion that since the Chang guy hurt him so badly, he will cut any and all ties with any Changs from now on. Any one in the Ho family who marries a Chang, no good will come out of it. And so this curse was passed down, from generation to generation.

I will be sure to pass this along to my generation and posterity. I will not be the one who will break the wicked Chang curse.

I just have to say, hearing that story was fucking hilarious.