Love. I speak a lot about it in my journal, but I never really talk about love, and my beliefs and my philosophies of love.

Love. What is it? What does it mean to me? Well, obviously it means a lot. There is not one minute of every day that it is not in my mind in one for or another. Whether it is in the back of my head or the forefront of my mind. What it is so hard for me to put into words. What I feel or how it just occupies my mind on a constant basis, it is just hard to relay into words.

Love. Love for me, I guess, is just to be with someone. Someone who understands you. A person, a girl in my case, that you just can’t stand to be without our apart of cause you have a sense of security around them. You feel safe, not because she can protect you. No, it’s much more than that. It is more about her finding you. You fit next to her. You know who you are around her, you know where you are, where you are going, and you finally make some sense of where you have been. I believe being in love with a person can bring that to a person. No sense of loneliness, no sense of being lost, cause you are found, not only by her, but most importantly, by yourself. You found yourself and understand yourself.

Love. It is not physical. Not one bit. It is all emotional, all mental. You don’t have to be with some one physically to be in love with them. All you need is just a mental connection, a connection of the mind. Just a look and you understand what she is thinking. No words need to be passed.

Love. The first thing that clicks is the mental thing. For some, it maybe the physical, but I believe for me, it is the mental connection above all…..

I know many of you probably do not agree what I wrote here or maybe don’t understand what I wrote here. I just find it very difficult for me to put these feelings into words. These ideals which I think of every day, I should be so familiar with, so comfortable with, I should be able to put them into words. Describe the feelings that I long for. I just couldn’t. I can’t. I’ve lost my focus.

* * *
Here is something that I’ve known about myself for a while now. I just thought that it would be nice to share. How I treat girls, how I interact with them. They fall into different classifications. There is about 3 different classes I believe. There are girls I treat much differently than others. I would like to disclose my little code right now. Sometimes you can’t really decipher, cause these are really subtle differences. Many may not even see the differences.

Girls I don’t like:
I really don’t interact with. I am courteous to them, but most of all, I really don’t interact with them that much. I rarely converse with them at all. If they do attempt to make conversation with me, I’ll be courteous and go along with it, but mostly, when it is over, it is over.

Friends
Friends are simple. I joke with them more, I get crude, I become an asshole or a prick. I pick on them. I’m nice, but I can be a prick, and be a little mean. A playful mean, a joking mean, not a mean mean. It’s because I’m not attracted to them, or that I do not see them in that way, I am free to pick on them. There’s no pressure for me to impress them or be nice to them because for me, there really isn’t anything there. I don’t see them that way. Sometimes, things do evolve, but that rarely happens. I believe there was only one that evolved from that.

Girls I like
Girls I like are friends, but with the picking and the prick factor dialed down a little bit, not much, but a little bit. I don’t pick on them that much, I’m not as mean to them. I’m much nicer, more genuine and sincere. That’s it. Sometimes, it is hard to decipher. I’m sure there are other signs that I am not aware of, some mannerisms that come through that show them and others that I like them. Maybe I’ll be aware of them later.

That is it. Simple. I’m going to pay dearly for putting this up, but hey it is up.

Well, I am back again, tired than ever. I was supposed to write tonight. To start another script. I’ve been getting that itch to write again, but this time I do not know what to write. So I just thought that I would write something in my journal. I guess I am putting off the script writing because I went out to play some tennis tonight and that sort of threw me out of my routine.

Anywho, what am I going to write about tonight. For the most part, I do not know. How about a little about my trip, eh?

The trip was nice. It was a nice break. Seeing family again, just hanging out with family again. Going back was a little weird, especially meeting and hanging out with my extended family. I miss so much while I am down here. Their lives went on and so did mine. There was so much that I wasn’t a part of, and I felt like an outsider. It was hard to fit back in again, you know what I mean?

New additions to the family, big changes, new lives, just many things that I missed out. I’m sure they feel the same way about me also. So go the 20 questions as they each try to catch up with me and I do with them. The “So what’s up?” “What have you been up to?” “What are you plans?” “Are you going back to school?” “Are you seeing any one?” I think that was the biggest question, or some derivative of that question, “Are you seeing anyone?” and the answer is a definite no.

Oh, how things have changed and how things haven’t. We all still click, but we all have grown up and moved on. People are hanging out with different people, new wars have started, and old battles have ended. Ahh, how life goes on. How time changes things.

But all in all, family is good. Family is great. Family will always be there. Connections will never be lost, even though it feels like it is hard to connect.

Each one of them wants to get that connection with me, and I with them. My limited time spread thinly between each of them. The 30 seconds of catching up and interruptions don’t lead me anywhere close to catching up, which leads to so much that is loss between us.

It seems like there were so many things I want to talk to each of them about, but I never knew how to start. Never knew what to say or where to start. The usual formalities of catching up. Didn’t know what their conversation threshold is like cause we never really talked that way, and maybe they were afraid to pry also. I don’t know. Isn’t miscommunication grand. I’ve had a great deal of it lately. Just funny.

Children, kids, little ones. They were a wonder as usual. I actually got along with one in particular that I’ve always had problems with. Little Jasmine. She’s a little darling. She wasn’t afraid of me. So was Ethan, aka Clark Kent. So adorable. It’s nice to be around children, cause they don’t know what a wonder they are. Well, it’s nice, until they cry, and then it’s like okay. You are no fun anymore.

I’ve met up with two friends also. I couldn’t get the two of them together for one reason or another, but I got to hang out with both of them. It was nice. Just catching up with J Jones cause we rarely get the chance, and I never lost a step with Lisa cause we still communicate on a regular basis. It’s just like I never left. It is always nice to just sit and drink and talk. Just talk about our lives, catching up. I wish I could do this all day, but sometimes, we just run out of interesting things to say. Meh. Lisa still very insistent that I move back up so we could always hang out. Just don’t understand why she is so insistent. I was never satisfied with her answers.

There were some people that I didn’t get a chance to hang out with more than I actually did. One expecting mother in particular, but I guess next time. Time ran short on my visit and her little visit also. I guess that is what busy people do, they miss each other.

* * *

I had a nice little chat the other day with a friend of mine at work. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked with her like this. Lots of miscommunication and mixed signals between us I think. It was nice talking again. It was great. I asked her specifically what her plans were regarding going back to school. She’s still deciding. She’s in a lull like I am, not really sure what she wants to do. Well, eventually of course, the conversation came to me and where I stand in my life right now. I told her how I’ve been reevaluating my life lately, especially this past year. She said something interesting that makes sense. She told me that she would never want to reach that point in her life where she would stop reevaluating her life, to never reach that point where she never thinks about her life, the choices that she’s made, her regrets, so on and so forth. She doesn’t want to do it because it would mean that she’s gotten comfortable in her life. I think that’s how she put it. I may be misconstruing her words here, but I understood what she was saying. She’s not at the point her life, career wise or fulfillment wise, where she is comfortable enough to not reevaluate it. That’s what she meant.

I feel the same way. I don’t want to not think about my life, where I am, so on and so forth, because it is not where I want to be. Plus, I’ve come a long way this past year. Miles and miles from where I was just a year ago. A lot of growing up this year. I guess for me, and maybe for her, to be comfortable at a place in your life where you are not comfortable with it at all, just means that you have given up. You’ve lost hope.

I had a similar talk with Lisa today. I brought up something regarding how people see me. I always ask other people what their opinion of me is so I can find who I am. Reflection theory, if you will. You are how other people see you. Lisa brought up a good point, people see you differently from other people. No wonder I am confused. She then asked me how do I see myself, and I told her honestly, that I’m angry, though not a lot less angry than I was. I’m getting better. I’m lost, confused as to where I want in life, and where I want to go, and that is frustrating me. I’m in the same boat as many people around my age and in my situation.

We’ve worked it out to the point that I have such high expectation for myself, such high pressures that are pressing on me. I have lots of potential, tons of potential. I know this. Yet, I’ve always felt that I’ve accomplished nothing. I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile.

Lisa’s response. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just live. I am young (I don’t feel it, but I am). I have all the time in the world to accomplish something. I just have to be patient. Just a little patient and let things happen, and in the mean time just live whatever life I see fit.

* * *

All right, enough with the self reflection. On to something funny that my great uncle told me this weekend. The evil Ho family curse.

Apparently, us Ho’s aren’t supposed to marry any one with the last name Chang because there is this family curse cast by one of my great great great great great great great grandfathers.

How did this conversation come to pass? Well my ex-roommate Vicky came down from San Francisco to visit. I met up with her Sunday morning for some Dim Sum. Anywho, since my uncle’s place is nearby, I thought I’d drop by afterwards. He asked me what “wind blew me that way” and I told him I went to Dim Sum with Vicky. Of course hilarity ensued with the elderly and they thought she’s my girlfriend. No no no, I told them. She’s spoken for. Anywho, he asked me what was her last name, and I told him Chang. And out of nowhere, he and my aunt were like, no, don’t mess around with no Changs.

No good will come out of it. No matter what, do not marry any Changs, no matter how beautiful and breath taking the girl may be. Why, I asked. The curse, the evil curse. No good will come out of it. Death, infertility, miscarriages, bad family, just bad things.

Of course, by now, I’m laughing my ass off at how ridiculous this all sounds. He even went as far as to give me examples of other relatives who married Changs. One lead to death, another to infertility. Bad things I would say.

I went ahead and asked him how the curse came to be.

Apparently, many moons and generations ago, my great great great great to a certain extent grandfather was walking down a street. A Chang went up to him and asked if he had any smokes or pipe tobacco or the ganja. My grandfather said he only had some smokes. Upset, the Chang guy took his pipe and whacked my grandfather across the head, cutting him. The next thing, my grandfather is at home, angry, bleeding, pacing back and forth, back and forth in the back yard with a machete, ready to cut someone’s head open and thinking. Just thinking and being angry. He came to the conclusion that since the Chang guy hurt him so badly, he will cut any and all ties with any Changs from now on. Any one in the Ho family who marries a Chang, no good will come out of it. And so this curse was passed down, from generation to generation.

I will be sure to pass this along to my generation and posterity. I will not be the one who will break the wicked Chang curse.

I just have to say, hearing that story was fucking hilarious.

Well, it is a new year, and here I am. Christmas is over, New Year has passed, and life goes on.

I think for me, every Christmas, I buy myself a present. And this year I bought myself a journal. I bought it before I went up to Washington, so I have something to write down my thoughts whenever I get the free time. I started one entry when I was flying up. I thought about writing another entry during my flight back, but I was sick, and tired. So I just sat.

I will write about my trip later. There are some thoughts I would like to share, I think. They will come later. Hopefully.

This entry is to write whatever I wrote in my journal. I would like to keep it on file, forever, and ever. This isn’t one of my normal entries, but more of a free writing period. Whatever that comes in to my mind stream of conscious like.

That is all I have at the moment. My very first entry in my other journal. I haven’t been writing much, and I really don’t know how often I will be keeping up this other journal. I just thought I’ll keep another one on road trips or time away from the computer. Who knows. Meh.

I haven’t written anything in a while. Just posted something earlier tonight. It was a private entry. Just wrote about things that’s been happening in my life right now. Things at work, situations, things going through my head. Just about my life in general. Boring stuff really.

I don’t know. I guess I’ve been reevaluating my life in general lately. What’s been happening? Work, confusion, confusion, confusion. That’s generally my life.

There are many thoughts that run through my mind on a constant basis, and I still can’t figure things out. As soon as I think I am coming close to finding a conclusion to one of my little problems, the solution never satisfies and sometimes just creates bigger problems.

I know many and almost all of you don’t know what I’m rambling on here, and that is a good thing. Don’t think I want to tell you and I really don’t think you’d want to know.

It’s almost another year come and gone. I have started this journal well over 6 months ago. Looking back, reading my posts, I have to say, some of them are intense.

A friend of mine who read it says it was very brave of me to write what I did. Especially some of my earlier entries.

Looking back, was I really brave, or was I stupid to just let everyone in the way I did. With this journal, I put myself before you, naked. You clearly see who I am, and yet have no clue as to who I am. I honestly don’t know who I am.

I guess because it is nearing the end of another year, and a new one starts in just a few days, I am starting to reevaluate my life.

What’s changed? How have I grown up? Many things changed and happened to me this year. The biggest was my father passing of course. Others are just a growing friendship with someone I most definitely don’t want to lose touch with, and I’m just growing up and dealing with new problems and situations that I’ve never experienced. Hurting people, getting hurt. Just life I guess.

Meeting new people, making new friends, experiencing new things.

Lisa said something to me the other day that struck me as a little funny. She said I’m a late bloomer. She’d always figured me as such. We were talking about something that none of you guys need to know, but anyways, it struck me as funny. It may not make sense to any of you, but here goes. I’ve always been an old soul, way mature for my age. When I was younger, my teachers would always tell me how mature I act, so on and so forth. Yet, I’m a late bloomer. Just find it ironic that I’m such an old soul, and so mature for my age, that I’m a late bloomer. It’s just stupid funny. Something that only I find funny I guess. Writing that just now, I just realized how stupid that was. But who cares.

Anywho, I’ve been a little more social than usual, and more lazy than usual. Not a good mix, cause it just means more money spent on unnecessary things. I’ve been going out and watching movies and having dinner with a friend and just hanging out. Don’t know why I go out but I do. Meh, as we say. Meh indeed.

Well, Christmas is upon us and for those who don’t know me. Bah Humbug to all. I’m going home this Christmas. It would be nice to get out of the city and see family again. To have one of those large family get togethers where we’ll just sit, talk, laugh, and just hang out. There are some new additions to the family that I would like to me and others that I would like to catch up with. I think it will be good. Be around some old friends and family. Hopefully I get a chance to relax. Here’s to hoping.

Well, here I am writing on this lazy weekend. I just recently got into the mood of writing poems. I don’t know why, maybe it is because of the lack of work I’m doing or my procrastination.

I believed a few entries ago, I asked how different my poems are going to be from the ones that I’ve written a year ago. I think I got an answer. They are the same, and somehow, they are different. Maybe some of you don’t think so, but for the most part they are.

The first two are ones that I’ve written for myself a couple days ago. The next two are ones I wrote for my cousin. He’s trying to get back into writing poems. He got a new love and he wants to write about how it came to be; how he had his eye on her, how he admired her, and how now he knows how to pursue her, how to talk to her, ask her questions. Again, they aren’t that great, but hey, for the most part, they work…I think.

Here they are.

Sitting here contemplating my thoughts
Looking for something that isn’t there
I rack my mind of all the things we’ve done
I come up with nothing
The little touches and glances don’t amount to anything
The “Hi’s” and “Goodbyes” are just formalities of civility
There is nothing between but awkward space

2003-11-20

Oh My! The joy you bring me
Whenever I am down, the sound of your voice just lifts me up
Our talks bring back the joys of my youth
How you would hold me dear and protect me from harm

You lead the life I dreamt of imitating
You were my idol
You were my God
You were my Father

Through our last days, we got closer than we’ve ever done before
You told me secrets that I never felt you were capable of
You told me your feelings
And I told you mine

Our bond is like no other
Our bond is special
Our bond is unique
Our bond made me grow up

When you were gone, there were no words I can express
No feelings I can share because you were the one I want to share them with
Only you would understand, for we are the same
I am my father’s son

2003-11-20

Oh! How I admired you from afar
Shining brightly like a star

Everyone asks what is that glimmer in my eye
Your shimmer is my reply

When I’m next to you, I don’t know how to tell you how I feel
I am all wrapped up in my peel

I dread that I lost my chance
Now all I dream of is to get a glance

I think of words since the break of dawn
Until the final time you are gone

I should have asked about you when you were here
Instead now I am wishing I was there

2003-11-22

I wander the halls lost as a zombie
Going through the routine and the monotony
Laying my eyes on you brings me back to life
For you are the cure to my disease
You are a searchlight for my lost soul
Guiding me back to life to live

I never figured how to thank you for saving my life
For I am afraid to lose you
I search myself to find the courage
But none can be found
I search for words to keep you near
But all that come are moans of despair

I see you leave and I die each day
I need something to sustain our way
I realize that I know nothing of you for we never spoke
So I ask questions that will bind our way
Questions that will let me into your soul
And your answers will ease my soul

2003-11-22

Well there are my poems. I’m really in the mood to write more. I just may. I also need to finish that short story also. Might actually get to it and finish it today or tomorrow.

* * *

My classes are ending soon. I just got one more writing class on Monday and another painting class on December 5th. After that, I have no more classes to take. I’ve looked over the class schedule for next spring and nothing looks very interesting. What am I going to do now? I really don’t know. Maybe I’ll write more to fill the void or paint more also. Haven’t been doing much lately. I thought about painting this weekend, but again, I’m not sure.

Tonight is one of those nights where I really hate writing. As I posted on an earlier post, I am writing a short story about a wedding cake and how it ended up in the middle of the road. I started that story, and I’ve added a few more paragraphs tonight. It is coming along, trudging along. I have an idea of where to go, and as I write tonight, what I wrote cements the idea in place.

I have direction, I have an idea, I have an ending, yet, I find it difficult to write. I have no idea why. A friend just told me to sit down and write. Just write. I tried and nothing comes. My fingers type words and words and my little cursor goes backwards, erasing them all. The cursor adds more and more and more are deleted before it even reaches the page. I’m editing as I go, and that is bad news.

In posting this entry, I postpone completing my story. I guess for me, it is the fear of what my story means. I guess it is my fear of not having the right to write the story I’m writing. Once I finish, if I finish, you will understand.

Another aspect of my block is the structure of the piece. I wrote some good things and I don’t know how to place them. Different yet similar ideas refusing to melt into one. I guess I just need to punch the story out and focus on structure later.

I do not see the big picture. I do not know where things should go. I’m just writing and writing, trying to tie everything together, to make sense, and it just seems my words don’t make sense. I’ve lost my train of thought, yet that train is still running on the tracks that I lay out for it.

Maybe I feel constrained, writing the story in the manner and way that I thought of weeks before. Maybe I need to just write and not focus on the story that I’ve planned weeks ago. If that is the case, then all I’ve written is for nothing for it is one story. Ahh, damn the confusion.

It’s like painting in my painting class, frustrated with the abstracts, the small picture while I just want to paint the larger picture. Painting little pieces of a master’s painting prevents me from appreciating the painting I’m doing. It doesn’t look good. It doesn’t look like the masterwork. Yet, it is supposed to be my interpretation of the work.

I guess I just don’t see what I want and what is needed of me. I’m just confused. I’m worried about it not becoming the perfection that is in my head. The wonderful story that I want to tell. I’ve captured the essence, but not the beauty.

I curse writing. Damn you.

Well, I just have to say I haven’t been following the predetermined routine that I set out for myself. I haven’t followed it at all. I haven’t written anything worth while in a while. Just the assignments in writing class. I didn’t even add onto that assignment that Lisa gave me. I left it at three paragraphs, and three paragraphs is what it is. I will get to it later this week. I will finish it this weekend. I promise.

Now, like I told you all before, I am posting my assignments from creative writing class. I have two to share tonight. One is an actual assignment; the other is a writing exercise in class.

The assignment is to write about a childhood misfit or a town misfit. Of course I didn’t do my homework until the last minute before I left work to go to class. I whipped it out in ten minutes. I gave it to a friend to critique and his biggest complaint is that I do not write in complete sentences..and I don’t. I write mostly in fragments. It helps me with the meter, it helps with the flow of the piece..in my humble opinion. I’m not worried about it being written correctly, I just want it to read fine, and I guess that sort of works into it. Well anyway, without further delay, my assignment.

There he is, the sore of my eyes, the terror of the town. All run from him screaming in fear; kids, grownups and most of all, grannies.

Smiley Two-teeth. Not because he smiles a lot and has two teeth, no. But because it sounded good to him. Just hearing the name puts the fear of God in us all. His real name is Davey Huckleberry, a name that put fear in its owner, hence the name change.

He’s a force to be reckoned with, all three feet five of him. Don’t let his small stature fool you. His little man complex makes him a giant. His angelic countenance is broken by a wretched scar from a freak shaving accident at age eight. This makes him look like the terror that he is.

To us grownups or people of height, no shins are safe. No dogs are fierce enough either. His speedy little feet will chase you down and there will be hell to pay for running away from him.

His cackle after he chases you down will make you break down and cry, curled up in a corner calling for your mother, no matter what age you are.

One man stood up to him, a hero and a giant in our eyes. He stood seven foot eight, weighed well over three hundred pounds. It was a battle of biblical proportions, a modern day David and Goliath. After the battle was done, the giant stood two feet seven; a tiny withering, puny, pathetic little ball of a man, if you could call him that.

After that historic day, no man dared stand up to this little giant. No man has, and no man ever will.

He thought I should make it grand, go into more details about the fight, add more background. Again, I would have done that if I didn’t rush into this assignment and that I only did it in ten minutes. I really didn’t know where I was going with it. So if it seems lacking, I have myself to blame.

Now onto my class exercise. It is to write about my first crush. It was actually a fun exercise, and hearing what others wrote was great also. For the most part, it was funny, listening to others little secret lives and love affairs.

She stood six feet four inches as far as I was concerned, but I’m sure she was only three foot one but no more than three foot one and a half. I was seven, I didn’t know what my height was way back then and I didn’t care. All I cared about was her. She had large brown eyes, an engaging smile, and shiny long brown hair. She was my Repunzel. Tina was her name, or was it Nina, or Gina, no, maybe I think it was Kristy; I don’t remember. What I do remember was that she was a feisty one. Her slim petite figure, as if children can have another type of figure, charges through the playground as we play tag. The boys would chase the girls, slapping them on their butts to steal a grope. At age seven too, how corrupted us boys were. Instead of sitting on the ground like the other girls, Tina or Nina or Daphne or whatever her name was would chase us back and steal a grope herself with her fist or knee or feet to our soft fleshy areas like our stomach, face, or her personal favorite, our groin. After regaining consciousness, I realized she wasn’t the one for me. I moved on, as I should. She was Kristina or Tristina or Trista or maybe Michelle. I don’t remember, but she sure was a feisty one.

I just have to say that both of my writings tonight got laughs out of everyone, and that’s all that I wanted.

I have to say, I am liking writing more and more. I am genuinely surprised that I am. I find it funny for the longest time I really hate writing. It’s a chore. I totally detest writing. Going through my journal the other night, I just realize how much I write. Maybe because I actually enjoy the things I’m writing, and I’m actually having fun writing most of the stuff. If you read these past two assignments and the last one about the sheep, they were fun reads. I never written anything fun before, mostly dark and depressing cause it is my mood at that time. I guess I’ve really changed. Funny.

Well I can’t present it here cause I don’t have a picture of it up yet. I just finished my first real painting tonight. Almost 4 hours of work. Forget those little test paintings that I just started in painting class, this is the real deal.

I really don’t have a title for the painting nor can I come up with one. I think the simplest thing to do is to number my paintings sequentially or go by date, but I doubt that I could remember any of my paintings by date. So I am forced to find a title. I think I will sit on it for now. I will call it Painting No. 1 or Rocker Cries for the King. It should be fitting.

What does my painting look like? It is hard to describe. Imagine a 11″x14″ canvas. One corner iust a small portrait of a figure that looks sort of like Elvis, leaning towards the middle of the canvas. On either side of Elvis’s head are two large eyes, as big as his head. It belongs to a large face, eyes crying tears of blood. The face is a mixture of many colors. Again, it is hard to describe. You just got to see it.

Actually, if this painting was in a museum, I wouldn’t mind stopping and looking at it. It’s pretty interesting.

How it came to be was an accident. I was just painting. Putting paint on canvas, paint on canvas, paint on canvas. It looked like nothing. Nothing was taking form, for I had no direction or no idea of what I was going to do. At one point, it looked like a flower, where we were looking inside with some petals hanging out, but then I just added more paint. Instead of small dabs of paint, I ventured into larger strokes. Soon, Elvis took form. His ghostly face staring back at me. I fixed his hair, outlined his jump suit. The ghost of Elvis, decayed and hollow, looking back at me.

Now the difficult part, what to do to balance the picture out. I thought of a face. I created a face. eyes of purple, lips of pick and yellow, a unrecognizable nose. The outline of his face takes form, coming out of darkness and gray, and I do mean, coming out of darkness and gray. It’s a very dark painting. Only highlights and some color to add depth. His mouth agape, I added tears. First blue like water, then red like blood. Streaks of long hair came next. Streaks of blue, green, red, yellow, white, magenta, pea soup, teal….and the colors go on and on mixing into gray with some remnants of colors. A masterpiece I dare to say.

Now I am damn sure no art expert will pay my painting any mind. It’s no Rembrandt, no Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, or even Dali. It’s a painting by a lost 24 year old.

I took quite a few pictures of this painting when I was finished for I promised my first painting to a friend. He might not like it, if not, I’m taking it back.

Looking at it now, I am in awe, in shock, in despair. It is intriguing yet sad. Tears of blood. Death so imminent. Almost like Jesus on the cross.

Now, my only problem is deciding which way is up. Should I have it up the way I painted it, or how it lays now, on it’s side. Decisions, Decisions. It’s going to take a week or two for the paint to dry. I hope I will have pictures of my work up.

* * *

I thought about writing a poem just now, as a follow up to last night’s entry. But nothing came. No words flowed. No feelings need to be expressed. No motivation to rhyme. Maybe this is my poem. My poem of prose. Our maybe everything I write is poetry. Every word I write is a lyric to my soundtrack in life. But I digress and I jest. My words aren’t poetry. My words are just me.

Well, I know I was supposed to write about some problems that came up, or about class, but I think I’m going to postpone that. The problems really aren’t problems, just things that I know I need to work on and something a friend brought up to me.

Tonight’s posting will be a long one, so bare with me. I’m not going to express anything in my usual flare. I am going to do something that I never thought I would do, post my poetry.

I never felt comfortable posting my poetry. I never felt comfortable showing people my writing period, but I got to a point where I’m comfortable. I guess this journal helped me a bit, but I never thought I would share my poetry.

I’ve always felt my poetry sucked. But now I don’t care.

How did this sudden fit of sharing came to pass? Well a friend of mine showed me a few of his poems. They were great. Very structured and it flowed well. Very well written. I compared his to mine. His is structured, mine free formed, and yet for the most part, we wrote about the same things. Questions to answers and answers to questions.

I started to show him some of mine. He liked some, didn’t comment on others. So I went through an old journal that I had. I remembered I wrote poems and poems in there. I just didn’t realize I wrote so many, and do I mean many.

It’s been over a year since I’ve written any poetry. Reading the poems that I wrote over again, and typing them up again, it just made me think how times were so much different back then, and yet how much they are the same. I wonder if I wrote a new poem tonight, or tomorrow, or even the next day, what would it be like? Carbon copies of the ones I’ve written before, or something different, something more telling, something more grown up and moved on? I don’t know, but I’m really eager to find out.

Until I get inspired to write a poetry, I would like to share with you all the poems I’ve ever written or could find. Some have titles, and many don’t. The only title is probably the date they were created. I hope you enjoy them, and I would like to hear any feedback you may have.

If you don’t wish to read them here, you could probably read them later on my website. I just got to figure out how to post them. I’ll let you all know when I’m done with it.

My World

It is determined by a transparent partition
Whatever it is shaped, is my world
Whether it’s round, hexagonal, rectangular or square
Everyday I go around searching for an exit, trying to find a way out
But I’m stuck
Blocked in by the World
Outside it seems everything is free and wild
And I’m caged and domesticated, oppressed by the World
My life is in the hands of my caretakers
I can only hope that they care for me and love me
At other times that just isn’t enough
If I could jump, I would
It would probably bring peace to my meager existence
So please HEAR my PLEA to free me from my World

2000-09-15

I have shelter to shield me from the cold
I have food to eat when I’m hungry
Water to drink and wash when I’m thirsty or dirty
That’s all one needs right?
The bare necessities
It seems that I have nothing more
Should I be content with what I have?
Many out there have nothing, and yet they seem far better off than I
Why is that?
Why is that indeed
Should I try
Or should I try harder to make the best of my life
I shouldn’t be so foolish and be content with what I have
I have no friends
No one to go out with
No one to call my own
I don’t need shelter, food, or water
I don’t want it
What I want
What I need is this basic interaction
So I don’t feel dead

2001-09-25

What you are to me, words cannot describe
What you do to me, I cannot put into words
But I’ll try
You pull me apart but you are the glue that holds me together
You are the cloud that darkens my day
An Angel or a Demon, I cannot make out
You bring me pain, yet you give me joy
You ease my soul, but you boil my blood
You are my death medicine, my sweet poison, my living contradiction
You are my love
You are my life
Without you, I would not be me
Without you, I would not exist
Without you, I am nothing

2002-10-01

Laundromat

I come here all worn, down and dirty
I’ve reached my peak of punishment
They put me in a place to cry, to break down
I drown in my tears until there is no more
I rub my face, trying to clean the dirt and pain off of me
Rubbing life away
I’m spinning out of control, in circles and circles
Hoping that this will help cleanse me of my sins
I stop, thinking that its over, but no
I cry again, as if the first time wasn’t enough
Again, I’m drowning in my tears and scrubbing the tears away
I spin again for the final time, drying my red eyes and cleansing myself

A sense of relief, of calmness enshrouds me
This relief warms me from my damp tears
I tumble through the air, like I’m floating, heating myself, drying myself
Getting myself back to who I was
Clean and refresh, ready to face the world again

2002-October

Where do we stand?
What am I to you?
A friend, an acquaintance, or something more?
I want to know
I need to know
Then I can finally move on
To a life with or without you

Of course I much prefer a life with you in it
Together we will walk through life
Hand in hand, guiding each other to one another’s heart
Laughing and dancing through our happiness together
Crying and consoling through our grief
Spending our nights together in an embrace, talking and cuddling till morning
Forever we will be, together forever, till death do us part

Now if it ends up me without you
That’s a different story
What will I do?
I don’t know
Try to move on, piecing my heart together ever so slowly
Put on my best face to show you that I’m not hurt
But most of all to fall out, to forget you, or else I could never move on

2002-October

The Awkward Silence

u(SiLeNcE)s

2002-10-02

At first we come into the world as fragile as can be
We are nurtured, nursed, loved and protected by those all around
Lying in our bed, looked upon as a wonder, helpless to be anything but
As we grow, we become less of a wonder and more as a person
We become more independent, weaned from our mother’s breast, to bottle, to cup, to glass
We go from diapers, to pull ups, to boxers or briefs
As we grow, we make decisions and act on them, good or bad, guided or not
We become independent and it is others that are dependent
We’ve moved away from that shameful and embarrassing time of being helpless
To time of making our past and future caretakers helpless, like we were at first
But as we grow, lost or found, confident of ourselves
We end up back at zero again
Back to diapers, to being fed, to the bottle and to bed again
From helplessness to helplessness, to embarrassment to embarrassment
And finally from being WANTED to NOT WANTED
That is life AND that is the TRUTH
It’s the vicious circle that is far from PERFECT

2000-09-?? To 2001-07-09

Confusion 1

Lost and alone with nothing to guide me
No stars, no maps, no light or direction to go
I crawl and stumble blindly in the dark
Finding my way slowly as I go
Not all is Perfect or all is right
But I try and try until I get a sign
No matter how big or small the sign maybe
It is all one needs to show him the way

2001-07-20

Little Me

Had a chance to tell you how I feel
But I was afraid of what may be
How would you act?
Awkward?
Flattered?
Or would you just feel disgusted?
Holding you I realized how deep I fell for you
Sitting at home in the dark I realized how much I Hurt for you
You are the bright beacon that guides me home
You are the sun that brightens up my day
You are my life
But now you’re gone
And I’m left alone and empty
I feel disgusted for not telling you
For I miss a chance, a possibility, a dream to be with you
Now my days will be left with nothing but pondering my lack of actions
But all in all
It was for the best
You have yours, and I have….
No one
For this is what fate intended for my little lost soul

2001-09-15

Stream of Conscience

Lost and confused
Sitting in my room
Thinking of things
Dreaming of things
No direction in my thoughts
Just random as can be
Streaming from my mind to my pen
Not making sense at all
Sometimes it feels like this forever
Going through life with no direction or light
Just doing things that comes to mind
Walking to the store or watching tv
No big plans, no big waves
Just going with the flow of traffic
Lost in thought
Watching the cars go by
Creeping along inch by inch alone as if nobody is even there
That’s how life seems, alone on your road of life
Just following until the end
Inch by inch
Feet by feet
Yard by yard
Mile by mile
Until that final destination
Where would it be?
The gates of Hell?
The clouds of Heaven?
The Garden of Eden?
Or just a plain grassy knoll?
Or even just plain blackness?
Or even just plain nothingness?
Argued by all, but still a mystery to all
Even to the deepest of believers
Life and death, though certain as can be is not certain at all
We live after death and at times we are dead while alive
The best way to go is to not get attached
Don’t care
Walk through life like a zombie, a robot
Take whatever comes, good or bad, helpful or not
Make the best of what you got
Get by a day at a time
Go home, close your eyes
Open them and start again

2001-09-19

A sudden rush of joy
A rush of blood, of life
It was everything that I dreamed of
Everything and more
The more was the disappointment
The disappointment I feel and see in my eyes
Hurting the ones that are close to me
Hurting my friends in life

2002-01-11

Why is it that we are so strange?
Minutes of silence to minutes of conversation
Then back to silence
It seems at times we are charming our way into each other’s heart
And the next we act like total strangers
Maybe it’s me
Or maybe it’s you
I don’t know how I can manage this
My heart is shattering more and more each day
Me stealing glances at you and you glancing at me
I know there’s something between us
I just do
There has to be, or else why do I love you?
I thought I was through with this sort of affair
But with you, I guess I’m not

2002-09-04

Laying here in my bed, thinking about you
How far away you are and yet so close
Waking up in the morning is getting tough
Cause it’ll mean that I have to see you again
Every time I see you, my heart falls into an endless void
Helplessly falling until it shatters when it reaches the pits of you
As I spend time away from you, I lazily piece my heart back together
Until the next day comes and it shatters again
What’s the point? What’s the use?
I should let my heart be, shattered and broken
At least there will be a chance that I can’t love no more.

2002-09-17

Why does this always happen to me?
Why do I always attract this particular kind?
The pathetic, weird, unattractive kind.
They seem to hound me like a dog on a hydrant.
Why can’t I attract the kind of dreams?
The Brads, Michaels, or Toms of the world.
But no, I’m stuck with the Screeches or the Urkels.
One day this will change
One day I will get my Brad or Michael

2002-09-17

I love her
She doesn’t love me
That’s the story of my life, plain and simple.
I wish I could say that the woman that I love loves me back
But that is not the case
It is never the case
I always end up pining away
My whole life going after the girls who wants the Brads and Michaels
I would like to think I’m a Michael, but apparently I’m not
I’m too nice, or too sweet, weird crazy or insane
Whatever reasons she comes up with to keep me away
Until that day when I meet a girl that doesn’t want a Brad
I will spend my days mending my broken heart

2002-09-27

Emptiness
All inside me
Nothing more
I would like to think that there’s something there
But there isn’t
Nothing to give to anyone
No love, no warmth, nothing
Just emptiness

2002-09-27

Is it going to be like this for now on?
Not speaking with each other unless others are around
What are you afraid of?
My love for you?
Or is it your feelings for me?
Don’t be afraid to do what you must
It seems as though we are destined for each other
Why fight it?
Please talk to me, take the risk
I have, and I’m not afraid to do it again

2002-10-02

Clickity clack, wah wah
Sounds of typing or the conversation of others
That is what is shared between us
No words but the ambient sounds around us
Why?
Is it because you don’t like me?
Because you are uncomfortable?
Cannot find the words to say?
Just say something, anything
Small words will do
Lets start with “Hi”

2002-10-02

Stuck in my little corner
Blending into the wall
I wonder could you see me
Will you ever see me, take notice of who I am?
Is it just my wishful thinking that I matter to you?
You probably don’t know I exist or you just don’t care.
Those times you talk to me are just fronts to not hurt my feelings
As sweet as it sounds, it’s not what I need or want
I want you to see me for who I am
A man in love with you

2002-10-02

Sitting here, looking into the light
I fade, fade into a blissful fantasy
Dreaming of being together with you
Walking underneath the stars hand in hand
Laughing at our own little jokes
Just fitting together, being together, without a care
Wham!
The lights turn out and I’m in the dark, seeing what really is
Blackness
We are not together, nor will we ever be
For reasons I don’t know, or can’t see
Instead of dreams, nightmares fill my mind in the dark
Visions of me without you

2002-10-02

Well that is all the poems I have. If you made it this far, pretty depressing aren’t they? Mostly longing for a love I can’t have. I don’t think I’ve ever written any happy poems. If I had to choose, I would think “Laundromat” would be the happiest and uplifting.

Again, as you go by the dates, they were well over a year ago when I wrote these poems. Things have changed since then. There are many stories behind these poems. I’m sure I could plow through my journal and get the stories, but those were more personal times, and more personal matters. Those words will never see the light of day.

Again, I hope you enjoyed these poems. Feel free to tell me what you think, if you want.

Well, I got into updating my journal tonight, but apparently my computer had a mishap and I lost my entry. Anywho, I’m not going to rethink about what I wrote and just post what I was going to post, my writings.

I will most likely write about what I said in the earlier deleted posting sometime later this week along with other problems I have been having.

Anywho, my homework in writing class.

Num. 1. Write 25 details about a person you are watching.

Num 2. Write about a life you would like to lead.

I hoped you enjoyed them.

My third assignment is to write about a town misfit. Don’t’ have an idea for it yet, but I’m sure I will this weekend and I’ll post that up sometime also.

Again, I’ll write more during the weekend.