Another Year.

That’s a loaded year.

It’s about that time again for my yearly another year older, another year wiser. That another year definitely have a different meaning now.

It’s been a year since we’ve been in quarantine. It’s been a year since I’ve been WFH and not being able to go anywhere. It’s another year where I’m spending my special week at home and not going anywhere or doing much of anything.

Hope and light is within reach. Vaccines are out and anyone 16+ will be eligible within the week.

Will that change anything? Will that take us back to a normal where I can go places and enjoy things? I don’t know.

Here we are. Sigh. Another year older, another year wiser.

42.

I think. I’ll be 42.

I’ll be 42.

So, 41, I bid you adieu and 42, what you got?

Day 2.

Day of.

42.

42.

42.

I’m 42.

A new number.

Just turned a new number.

What is there to say? What is there to write?

I don’t know.

41.

It was a year. It was a year like no other with the pandemic and how things went, but it was a year like any other.

I lived. I learned. I endured.

Over a year of being constrained at home, not being able to go anywhere or have a true break. It definitely was a test to my mental health.

It was a year of severe mental stress and heartache with Pickles.

Loss.

I’ve dealt with the loss of so many people that were close to me. I’m still affected by the loss of my father and I think he’ll always be a hole in my heart.

I never had to deal with the loss of a pet. I never had to make a decision to end the life of something that had been such a large part of my life, my identity for such a long time.

It was painful.

I knew it would be a decision I would have to make, but I didn’t think that I would have made it like that.

I wish the circumstances were better, but life.

41.

41.

Loss.

Growth.

I don’t know what I expected this post to be like.

I usually would sit at Volcano and write. It would take a day or two to finish and it’ll be some kind of conscious flow of what I thought my last number was like.

With the pandemic, I don’t know.

It feels like I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I don’t know how to just do anymore.

What is life, anymore?

What is a number anymore?

There’s no demarcation as when I was 41 or when I am 42. There’s no real marker but a social construct of a calendar.

There’s no physical marker.

All runs the same.

The distinction is small.

I am small.

41.

I persevered, worked, and grew as best that I could. I did the best that I allowed myself given what life is at that moment.

I tried to take care of myself mentally. I tried to cope with things.

There were times when I didn’t handle things well, but ultimately it worked out in the end.

I’m in a place that seems like what normal was.

I’m doing what I do best and that is taking things, taking life, a day-at-a-time.

That’s all that I can do.

That’s all anyone can do.

I think that’s what I learned most about being 41.

Just take things slow. Take things as they come. Don’t think of anything big. Don’t make a big fuss of things if they don’t work out.

It’s just…..just.

There’s no if and or buts about it.

This is life.

41.

Days blur.

They blend and mash into each other, so it feels like it’s just been a single day on repeat.

41.

It was the year of a single day.

Life on repeat.

42.

A new number.

I don’t know what it will bring.

I don’t know if it’ll be any different from the last year, but who knows?

The future is blank.

It’s all unwritten.

42 is a blank canvas like any other new number and for me to paint.

I shed with the old and chip and chip to find the new, the me.

My essence.

I thought about things the other day, knowing that I’ll be writing this eventually.

I thought about the analogy of my life, me, a person as being an onion and I’m shedding my layers as time goes by, slowly, reveling better layers of me.

Then I realize I’m not an onion.

I’m a rock.

I’m a boulder, sitting at the edge of a bluff being crushed by waves.

Day after day, waves crash into me. Small pieces of me break off and dissolve and become smaller rocks, pebbles, sand.

The weak pieces of me crumble with each crash.

Day in, day out.

I’m a boulder. Some days, years, larger pieces will fall.

But in the end, we’ll all weathered all of the stormy weather. We’ll come out different, but in the end, all that stands of you are the parts that are your strongest.

I am a boulder.

I stand tall.

I stand firm.

I brace against the waves.

42.

What storms will I weather?

What will I become at the end?

All I know, a large chunk of me broke off in 41, but I’m still here, stronger than ever, ready to be more defined.

42.

Crash into me.

Bring it.

February.

Who would have thought it’ll be such a wild ride?

Not me. Not I.

But it is.

It’s not even about work. Fuck work.

Just. Fuck. Work.

That’s so draining.

I want to retire.

Happy New Year! Officially 2021 to the Chinese people.

I didn’t do much this year with quarantine and all. I stayed home like the good person that we all should be and cooked me a simple New Year’s Eve dinner and called it a day.

Made some White Cut Chicken, some glass noodle soup with tofu skin, XO sauce shrimp, and roasted pork belly. Simple. Easy.

It was good and a good way to celebrate the New Year by my lonesome.

I took the New Year’s Day off for a mental health day. I was tired and burned out from work and we just got back a month ago at that time. Fuck. Work.

I don’t know.

Life. There’s a lot of not knowing.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before but I started to look for a new dog a few weeks ago. I sent in a few applications but didn’t really hear back. I heard back from one shelter way out in Apple Valley and they suggest I find something closer.

I asked my ex-neighbor if she’d be a reference for me and she said yes, so she knew I’m looking for a dog and on President’s Day, she texted me asking if I found a dog yet.

There were a few Frenchies that were dropped off at the shelter there and wanted to know if I wanted one. As much as I love Frenchies and think they are cute, they aren’t for me.

I need a more active dog. I need a dog that can breathe, especially if we go hiking. Not something that’ll poop out on me walking around the block. Maybe when I’m older, I’ll get one.

Plus, they are so small and so popular, I can’t tie them outside while I go shopping.

But I got a new dog. There’s been a dog that I saw on the Rescue’s IG and was curious about it and thought it was a good time to ask about it.

Everyone, meet Galette:

Galette is a tiny little thing compared to Pickles. She’s 22lbs even though they listed her as 30. I’m assuming that’ll she’ll be up to 30lbs max. Pickles was 50. That’s a big difference.

She’s a year-old Shepherd/Cattle Dog Mix. Galette is no Pickles, but that doesn’t make her any less loveable.

Since the two weeks I’ve had her, I’m still trying to learn her language and her quirks. Galette’s very affectionate and a big licker. She doesn’t like to be alone and loves to just chill. Sometimes I’ll just chill in the bedroom by herself.

Unlike Pickles who’s always attached to the hip or for the most part keeps in the same room as I am. Galette loves to sleep under the blanket or on top of me. I remember when Pickles was younger and would chill with me on the couch. As he got older, he didn’t do that anymore. I would have to force him.

Galette loves chewing on things, especially the tissue paper that I have laying around. She’s gone through one stick of chap stick already and ate a $5 bill.

The most important thing is how she’s around Relish. At first Relish was afraid, didn’t like to be around Galette. Relish would zoom right into her hiding spot in the closet, but as the days progressed, she’d become brave enough to venture out and observe things.

Relish and Galette are “interested” in each other, acknowledging each other, but aren’t BFFs. I don’t know if they’ll ever be, but it doesn’t seem like Galette’s predator instinct is kicking in and wanting to eat Relish, which is a relief to me.

Relish protects herself by hissing and swiping at Galette.

I’m so relieved that I don’t have to worry about that.

Galette doesn’t like to be alone. Doesn’t like to be locked in her crate while I leave the apartment to run errands and what not. She will need to learn, because a puppy alone in the house, that’s destruction. I learned from Pickles. Crate will be the way.

This is the way.

Galette doesn’t like National Blvd. She doesn’t like the busy streets or cars or traffic. I don’t know what her story is before the shelter, but I’m curious. She was a stray, but now she’s found a home.

In many ways, she’s testing my patience with her constant affection and chewing, but I’m sure once I learn her language and we all settle into a routine, things will be grand.

Galette’s very smart. She’s picked up on my sit command, but I’m still trying to learn her tells and needs, especially when she needs to go to pee. She’s peed in the apartment so many times already, on my floor mats. Sigh. It seems Galette’s been pad trained. I need to get better at training her.

Work from home has its perks. I’m able to spend more time with Galette and teach and train her. Going back to the office will be so different once we have the option to go back to the office. I’ll most likely continue to work from home, going into the office 2-3 days a week, if that.

We shall see.

Stonks!

Stocks.

I’m being proactive and taking on investing more in the market. Most of this all started with the Meme Stocks of GME and AMC among others during a short squeeze.

I’m sure if you Google Meme Stocks or GameStonk you’ll get articles upon articles of what is happening.

I’m all wrapped up in it. I have money invested and am #diamondhands on my holdings.

I’m not lying when I say I want to retire. I don’t want to work anymore.

So far, I’m down. Of course, I’m down. Again, money doesn’t come easy to me. I need to work and earn it, not win it.

With everything that happened in this investment wild ride, I moved all of my holdings out of Robinhood and moved to my Vanguard account. Fuck Robinhood.

There’s just a lot of shady shit that happened, like the restricting of buying of these meme stocks but allowing us to sell it. I don’t trust them, so I moved and not a customer anymore.

Vanguard allowed me to buy the meme stocks without any restrictions.

I hope that I’ll make some profits, but if not, at least I was a part of this history.

Let’s see if we go to the moon.

#diamondhands

Well, here we are.

I’m back for my first post of the year. I thought I’d written one this year, but it looks like I didn’t.

2021. How is it so far?

It’s been an interesting month. A continuation of the dumpster fire that was last year, but in a way, things are shaping up.

We had a coup d’état on January 6th during the Stop the Steal rally where a bunch of MAGAt insurrectionists stormed the Capitol building while Congress officially tallied the Electoral College votes.

FUCK THEM.

It was surreal.

I’m tired. I’m tired of all of this shit and all of these fucking dumbfucks.

But here we are.

The Orange One got impeached for a 2nd time by the House and the Senate hearing to impeach him will be in the next few weeks. Of course, the GOP have no backbone and will ultimately vote to not impeach him, since he’s out of the office.

There needs to be accountability. There needs to be repercussions for inciting an insurrection.

Biden became 46 and he’s already signed many Executive Order repealing many of the Orange One’s racist and shitty policies.

46 had been more presidential in the first day of his presidency than the dumbfuck in the last four years.

COVID.

Still here, running ramped across the world, especially here in Los Angeles because of the Holiday surge.

Fucking dumbfucks going out and visiting family. This is why we can’t have nice things. Seeing family and potentially killing them is more important than staying home and zooming.

Fuck these tards.

The vaccine rollout has been a logistical nightmare. Not nearly enough people gotten the vaccinations because it has been such a shit show.

The Orange One didn’t have a plan.

THERE WAS NO PLAN.

46’s administration pretty much has to start from scratch in terms of rolling out the vaccinations and then we have real fucking dumptards out there protesting and blocking vaccinations.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?

What the serious fuck?

Work is work.

There’s really not much to say there.

There’s really not much going on in my life right now.

The only excitement/drama in my life is the whole GameStop memestock squeeze. It’s historic where a bunch of retail-investors (everyday people buying stocks) is putting the squeeze to the mega rich short sellers.

EAT THE RICH.

TAX THE RICH.

FUCK THE RICH.

It’s the only little piece of history that I’m happy to be a part of. I got my shares and my Diamond Hands.

I don’t have much money invested, but I’m doing all I can to fuck’em up.

I’ve been slowly looking for a new dog.

I think I’m almost ready. I’ve been looking at PetFinder a few times a week. I emailed a shelter about one, but I guess she got rescued because I can’t find the dog anymore and didn’t hear back from the shelter.

The most important thing now is to find the right fit. Cat friendly is the most important thing.

Definitely the most important thing. Cat friendly.

Who knows, maybe 2021 will be a better year

Here’s hoping.

Let’s Ted Lasso this shit and be the sincere optimist that I strive to be.

This will be an amazing year.

This will be a life changing year.

Here we are.

Here we go.

2020.

What can I say that I haven’t said or what the world haven’t said already?

What a fucking dumpster fire of a year.

The last few days are upon us and I’m glad to see it end, but that doesn’t mean that everything will magically change by turning a new number.

2021.

What do you have instore for us?

A continuation of this year?

I fucking hope not, but I guess, we shall see.

So, here I am, with a bah humbug to everyone and a fucking good riddance to the end…

2020.

Here we go.

Let’s get the general out of the way.

If the above and any of my rants of this year wasn’t a clear enough sign of what 2020 have been to me and to most everyone in the world, then let me spell it out here.

IT WAS A GROUND HOG DAY OF A NIGHTMARE.

The world finally said fuck it and fucked everyone.

Our nation is on a brink of some racist collapse and more and more people are dying of COVID-19 every day because many of us in the general public and our top government figure can’t get their shit together to and simply WEAR A FUCKING MASK.

It’s been a tough year.

I’m striving because I can and because I’m built for this shelter in place bullshit.

Working from home has been different, but I’ve adjusted and made it work.

There are definite perks to this that I’m grateful for, especially giving me extra time to spend with Pickles.

On many levels, this would be a year no different than many. Nothing really major happened to me – with the exception of Pickles, so I’m okay with that.

But still.

Fuck.

2020.

I’m 41 years old and I never thought I’d be alive during a pandemic and possibly live through one, but here we fucking are.

2020.

Definitely a year that I’ll remember. A year that no one will ever forget. A year that made history.

2020.

Pickles.

He was my biggest challenge this year.

It hurt.

I’m still broken.

Not whole.

Another piece of me is gone forever.

My soulmate is a part of me in another way now.

I’ll always have memories of him.

I still think of him all the time. It’s still so fresh, even though it’s been almost three months.

My heart still aches, and I still break down from time to time.

I am getting better with each day.

I know that he was only a dog, but he meant the world to me.

He changed my life.

He saved my life and for that, I am indebted to him.

I hope he knows how much I love him.

Relish.

She’s what I have now.

Relish is what I’m focusing on now, to keep me alive. She’s my only responsibility.

Relish relies on me and I’m here for her.

We are both keeping each other company and growing together.

Our relationship definitely changed after Pickles went away.

Will I get another dog? Yes. Eventually.

Soon? I don’t know. I don’t know.

Right now, I’m only focused on keeping Relish and me alive. That’s all that I can handle.

2020.

Fuck you.

Family.

No major emergencies and everyone seem to be healthy and staying sane during the pandemic.

Mom retired and my bro had been working from home.

So, some major changes and they seem to be all good.

I haven’t seen them since our trip to Spain.

I had originally planned on going back in April for a week, but of course – PANDEMIC.

Was able to visit 7th Uncle and Auntie this year. They seem to be doing well-ish, or as well as they can considering their age and everything. It was good to see them again. It’s been a while.

7th Auntie didn’t recognize me.

Was able to do a family zoom for Christmas. It’s been a while since I’ve seen or chatted with my cousins that wasn’t through some social media comments and such.

Hopefully 2021 would allow me to actually see them in person, but we’ll see how the vaccines go and how where the plague goes.

2020.

Sigh.

Work.

It’s been a trying year.

I’m thankful to have a job. I’m thankful to be able to work from home and make things work.

There are so many who lost their jobs and their livelihoods because of COVID that I have to count my blessings.

It’s been a busy year for me.

I had to give up on some projects because working from home didn’t help the development of it, especially when I need to ask users questions.

The Media Database project is half done. Data is ingesting, but I’m not doing anything with the data.

Seems that the Tier 2 team is making use of the data, but I wasn’t able to complete the Programmatic Dashboard.

Abandoned.

I kept busy other ways with more SharePoint and PowerApps development.

I still have outstanding projects, like updating all forms to PowerApps, that I need to do, but am unsure when I’ll start on it. Most likely the beginning of the year, but who knows if I’ll have any pushback.

Seems that some users are having problems with the new PowerApp forms, but c’est la vie, it needs to be done.

There are times when I feel that I’m drowning.

I had so much work. So many projects to finish and my mind was broken, especially with Pickles’s declining health the whole year.

Stress.

My mental and physical health sure took a hit this year and work was one of the main reasons.

I’m annoyed by a few people on my team and their lack of effort. I don’t know how busy they really are but come-the-fucking-on. I see how many tickets come in.

Sure, I don’t get to hear how many calls, but I wouldn’t expect that many calls to the help line since we’re all working from home.

Like the whole MFA and Password Policy enrollment project. Most everyone who’s helping is a fucking joke.

Hopefully I’ll find more balance in 2021 with work. Hopefully things aren’t as stressful as this would be the new normal for the foreseeable future.

2020.

Fuck you.

Travel.

Thankfully I did get some trips in this year considering everything.

I was able to take a quick trip down to San Diego to explore and do some hiking and visit 7th Uncle before the whole country locked down.

Not much hiking to do in San Diego, but definitely haven’t explored as much as I wanted to. Would love to go back and explore some more.

My yearly Special Week trip was cancelled due to the virus and the whole country being in lock down. Travel became non-existent for a while.

Planned on going home for a week and then to Chicago for a week for some little vacay and a little MS Conference.

Didn’t happen.

I still have Expedia Credits for cancelling my flights. Not sure if I can even reclaim them at the moment.

During June, the state was able to open up for a few weeks and I took a chance to go on a quick road trip up to Paso Robles and explored Pinnacles National Park.

Another NP checked off my growing list.

By that point, we’ve been sheltering in place for 3 months already and I was about to lose my mind. I needed out. I needed nature.

Glad I was able to get some.

It wasn’t until after Pickles passed that I got another trip. It wasn’t a good time and travel was frowned upon, but I was on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I was stressed with work. I was not okay with Pickles’s passing.

I needed to get out and I only justified it because I was driving by myself.

I wasn’t going to interact with anyone out in the wilderness, hiking.

Only time I’m around people was at the restaurants and passing by in the hotels.

I did all I could to social distance.

I don’t regret it.

I’m not going to apologize for it.

I needed it. It was a great rehabilitating trip for me, closure for Pickles.

Our last A Boy and His Dog.

I miss you boy.

I love you boy.

2021. Open up. I’m due for another trip.

Socializing.

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAH.

What socializing?

Projects.

I started the year with only one project in mind, the digital art project.

I am almost finished. I have one more piece left, and that’s the Grand Canal of Venice.

I’ll start it today and hopefully I’ll finish it before the year ends.

It’s been challenging as I restricted myself on doing specific types of paintings and art, but it was also a good learning experience too.

I don’t think I’m going to do another “project” with such restrictions in 2021. Just a set number of pieces.

Maybe an anything goes project. 30.

That’s a good number.

Cooking.

Not a real project for this year either, but I did cook a lot.

Cooked many things that I never cooked before.

Quarantine kind of forced me to.

2021.

I don’t know what it’ll bring, so I’m just going to ease into it with no real projects besides the anything goes art project.

Health.

I’m not OKAY.

I’m going to be honest here. I am not OK.

I’m not even close to being OK.

But I am OK.

I’m on a I’m not OK, but I am OKAY trip.

My mental health had been through some shit this year, with work, with Pickles, with life.

But I’m still here. A little stronger. A little saner.

I’m still breathing. I’m still alive.

So, that’s a win.

My body.

Pain.

I think my right-knee is fucked. The pain gets worse.

After coming back from Pinnacles NP, the pain never went away.

I probably strained my knee or worsen an injury that I suffered a few years ago at Yosemite.

I may have torn something. I’ll get it checked out when I get my physical.

My heart.

I think it is okay. I don’t really know.

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing or skipping some beats, but it seems my resting heart rate have been holding steady at a good pace.

Who the fuck knows?

I’m alive and breathing and at the moment, that’s all that matters.

Let’s hope 2021 bring something better, like a fucking cure for this pandemic so we can get back to some semblance of life.

2020.

Fuck you.

It’s been a fucking year.

Looking over everything, if there wasn’t a pandemic, it would have been a year not different from others.

Life went on.

I grew a little.

There were ups and downs.

There were gains and a major loss.

2020.

Eat shit.

But you had to be you.

Pandemic and fucking racists dumbfucks everywhere.

2020.

Just end already.

2021.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

Be better.

They are near.

The end of the year. Just a few days left before break and then what?

A Christmas break like no other but the same at the same time.

I usually don’t do much during break whenever I’m in town. I’d usually go to Volcano and do my little writeups and my yearly diatribe for the year.

Some days I’d take Pickles with me on a small road trip or something. To get out of the apartment.

But this year?

The fuck I know. What the fuck can I do?

This year is so different. This year is so broken.

No Pickles.

The fucking pandemic and fucktards anti-maskers.

The fucking apocalypse is outside, and people are worried about Christmas being cancelled.

We’re in a very different time than we were a year ago.

So very different.

But for me, possibly the same.

No museums this year.

No Pickles to keep me company.

No Volcano to write out my thoughts.

Home.

Alone.

With Relish.

Usually around this time of the year, or even at the beginning of the month, I would have gone back through my yearly diatribes to reflect on how much I’ve changed and to remember my year and see what I’ve done and how much I’ve grown.

There’s none of that.

This year….as we all know is an ever-growing dumpster fire of a year.

What’s the point?

What is there to reflect on?

Sure, there was growth and determination, but what else?

I mean, the solitude comes naturally for me. I’m a homebody. This WFH and Safer-at-Home lock down shit is second nature to me.

I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t thrive on it, but I’m able to survive.

It’s no different from how I live my life anyway.

I just don’t have control. I can’t go out and do things when I want to go out and do things.

2021.

Just around the corner.

I can only hope that it’ll be better. I can only hope that there’s light at the end of this dark dark year.

The vaccines are approved and over a million people have been vaccinated with their first shot. More vaccines are on the way.

It’ll be months before it becomes widely available to the public and so far, there are very small number of people who had minor allergic reactions.

Time will tell how safe it is, but I think it’ll be safe.

Reading up and getting a better understanding of the mRNA technology and how the vaccines work I feel more confident that the vaccines will be our savior.

I need this. We need this.

It’s the hope that we need during the shit show of this year and the splitting of our country in the last four years.

The end of democracy. The end of civilization.

The End of America and its ideals.

We are better than this.

There’s no choice in this. We have to.

Relish.

I love her.

I had loved her since I got her, but my love for her have been different from the one I have for Pickles.

Pickles was my first pet and we’ve been through so much.

I’m still broken. My soul dismantled with his loss.

But Relish is here.

I love her more because she’s all I have now.

Maybe she knows what happened and maybe she knows that I need help, but she’s been drastically different since I came back from Pickles’s final ride.

Relish has been chattier in the mornings. She’s looking for affection and pets.

She’s not afraid to just lay on me while I’m chilling on the futon.

She’ll gently walk on me during the night, kneading her little paws on me, then settling down in a nice warm crook and lay there. Sometimes it may be hours or sometime only minutes or until I move because I didn’t know she was there or that I had to pee.

She’s changed and maybe Relish is more in tuned with me now, but I love her for the better that she’s doing this.

I need this.

It’s saving my life now.

I have a responsibility, not just for me, but an actual living being. She’ll always be my charge and she’s keeping me here.

Relish is my life now.

She’s my life now.

Vacay.

On a trip, the last one with Pickles.

A Boy and His Dog 2020 – The Final Ride

I sit in my hotel room in Vegas (Excalibur) as I write this. It’s the tail end of my trip. No more nature. No more mountains. No more hiking.

City dwelling. Resort life.

Vegas.

I’m not planning on doing much here. I don’t plan on leaving the hotel that much.

There’s really not much to do. Everything is closed.

No shows. No events.

Nothing.

I’ll walk the strip to stretch my legs, but the plan here is to rest up and do nothing.

My body is broken. Tired. Sore.

I worked it during this trip, a sweep of a few National Parks that I’ve always wanted to do and one that I wanted to do again.

I took Pickles with me, a final tribute to him.

It started in Grand Tetons National Park in a little secluded spot I came across during my first hike..

I spread his ashes around all of the different parks that I went to, so he can enjoy them and be a part of them since he loved to travel and go on adventures with me so often.

I hope I found some good places that he’ll enjoy. They were majestic places, popular places, secluded places. Places that allows him to run around and play and be brave and fly. Places where he can make friends and play with the local wildlife.

I hope he enjoys and spends some great time there and hopefully one day, I’ll go back and say hi to him or he comes and visit me in my dreams with what he’s doing.

I want to hike with him again.

During the whole time, I would see him hiking in front of me like he normally does. He’ll pull ahead like 20 yards and then he’ll wait for me to catch up and then zoom ahead again.

His tail wagging, skipping along on the path, enjoying all the new smells and the excitement of running free.

Maybe I’m still mourning and grieving, but man, it was and still is tough. I’d break down from time to time hiking the trails and spreading his ashes.

I’d thank him for saving my life and tell him to be a good boy and that he was the best boy. I’d ask my family who’s passed to take care of him while he’s up there until I can get there.

I still hurt. I still feel empty. A large part of me, my soul is missing. My soulmate is gone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ll heal. I’ll get better and I’ll always remember him and have him in my heart.

Pickles.

You are loved.

Numb.

Tired.

I’m not right.

I’m definitely not okay.

I don’t know if my current state is a result of grief and depression or if it is COVID.

Our world crumbles. My world destroyed.

What is life?

Nothing is right. Nothing is normal.

Slow. I adjust to the new normal.

It’s been a week.

Tonight, it’ll be exactly a week.

I okay.

A big O K. But I’m not okay.

I’m not well.

I’m grieving. Mourning.

Normal.

I have feelings. I’m emotional.

Normal.

I’m okay.

Numb.

I go through the week as a zombie. I go through the week like I normally do, but not normal.

I wake up at my normal time, go through my normal routine of starting my morning and then it changes.

The New Normal.

Since I don’t have to take Pickles on a walk anymore, I’ve taken to going on my typical weekend morning walks.

Zigzag down the neighborhood streets.

I got nothing else to do. I got more time than I need.

I need SOMETHING.

Something that feels like how it was.

Out, walking Pickles in the morning.

But no more.

Not anymore.

Sad.

I’m surviving.

I’m living.

Day. After. Day.

One day at a time.

Loss.

That’s all you can do.

One day at a time.

Embrace your emotions. Let it run its course and then move on.

I still find myself calling for Pickles.

Go-Jay Go-Jay

Doggy Doggy

Pickles Pickles

It always come in pairs.

It always come in pairs.

I miss you.

I hurt. My heart. Shattered.

Broken.

Just dust in the wind.

Gone.

I know I’ll be okay, but will I ever be the same?

It’s like how it was with my dad, but different.

He’s been such a big part of my life in the past 14 plus years.

Pickles taught me so much about patience.

He filled my void.

He means so much to me.

My adulthood, he’s been with me.

My good times. My growth as a person, into who I am today.

He’s been with me for every step.

Pickles saved me.

Who would have known that a dog, a pound puppy that no one wanted, could save this broken man’s life?

Pickles.

He was always game for everything, especially when he was younger.

He was so eager to go anywhere I would go, excited when I move to the door and leave whether he was coming with me or not.

He waited so patiently for me to come home. Some days not so patient.

We had our growing pains.

He was my first pet.

He was the first thing that I ever had to take care of.

He gave me something to live for. Something that I was responsible for.

Life.

His life.

I had a purpose.

He gave me purpose.

Pickles was the best friend anyone can ask for.

Always down for my adventures. Always down for road trips.

He didn’t care where we were going, as long as we were going together.

I couldn’t have asked for a better copilot.

Fuck man, he was the best.

Pickles.

We were soulmates.

I would always tag my pictures with him with #soulmates.

He was.

He understood me and I think I understood him.

We would look at each other and realize that we knew that the other was okay.

But, no more.

He’s gone.

I’m left behind to pick up the pieces of my soul and mend.

I’m not alone.

Relish keeps me company, but it’s not the same.

I can’t read her.

I don’t know how she’s dealing with Pickles’s loss.

I don’t know if she understands.

I think she does.

I hope they said their goodbyes.

I said my goodbyes and it wasn’t enough.

I think I’m done today.

It won’t be the last time that I’ll write about Pickles.

I miss you bud. I hurt. You are loved.

Thank you for my life.

I love you.

Pickles’s spleen ruptured last night and lost a lot of blood. It may have been cancer which came on suddenly.

The many blood transfusions he’ll need just to get him to a surgery he may not survive from would have been too much for him.

I’m sorry.

Pickles, you’re irreplaceable. I got you in a dark time of my life and you helped me see the light. You saved me.

You were with me on so many adventures and for so many firsts.

You were my first pet. You’re my first dog. You taught me so much about my self.

We’ve had our moments. I was an asshole and so were you but we managed.

You taught me patience.

You showed me that I could love again, after losing my father. I owe you so much.

I’ve grown so much as a person in the last 15 years and you were a large part of it. And now I don’t know who I am anymore.

I know you’re in a better place. I do hope that I gave you a good life and was a great owner.

I’m broken but I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry.

I miss you.

I love you.

I break.

Pieces fall.

Smaller and smaller I become.

What is left?

Me?

Nothing.

A pile of what was.

Hopes. Dreams.

Just whisps in the air.

Empty.

It’s been a tough week.

RBG, passed away yesterday and for some reason, I can’t keep it together.

I would break from time to time.

Sadness.

Uncertainty.

There’s so much that is uncertain about the future that I’m worried.

Scared.

Our humanity dies.

Our civilization crumbles to dust, back to the days of dictatorship and fascism.

People see what’s happening and the two factions fight over scraps while the elites pick the prized pieces, leaving us with the crumbs.

Ignorant.
So many are ignorant.

So many just want us to lose, which means everyone loses.

Sides.

As long as their side lose, I don’t care.

Even if everything about their side doesn’t help or give you everything that you ask for but take things away.

I don’t care.

That’s the world that we live in today.

I’m frightened.

I’m at a loss.

Hope fades.

What is there to do?

Nothing?

Go vote.

I can vote, my voice, my one vote to what I think is right, but I have no control over how others vote.

Anarchy reigns.

Every day more fuel gets added to the inferno that is ravaging across the US.

Figuratively AND literally.

America burns.

All we do is watch.

I can’t concentrate.

I can’t focus.

There’s so much pain.

There’s so much angst about everything.

What does anything even matter anymore.

Laws are broken.

Clearly.

Republicans ignore it.

The government ignore it.

We are a laughingstock to the world.

Our passports are now worthless.

Republicans don’t care.

I’m not saying that all of them are bad, but at the moment, that’s all I can do, group them all together.

That’s all I can do.

It’s them vs. us.

That’s a house divided and that’s our end.

This IS the end of America.

We no longer exist.

Gone.

It happened.

It finally happened.

Retired.

Mom retired.

She signed up for the voluntary layoff and will start collecting her pension.

All of this before her 61st birthday.

Tired.

Sore.

Lazy.

Her words, not mine.

I feel the same and I look forward to the day where I can.

Someday.

Long haul.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

It’s not even a marathon. It’s the way of life.

It’s life now and I need to make changes to it.

I need to adapt.

I need to settle into a routine or some semblance of one.

We’re not going back to the office until next year and even then that will be drastically different.

This is what life IS now.

I need to make changes.

I decided to settle and work on a schedule.

I’m re-implementing or continuing Movie Night Mondays again.

I’ll put aside any shows I’m watching until the other days and watch movies on Mondays.

They don’t necessarily have to be movies that are released in “theaters” but something I haven’t seen before.

That’s an ever-growing list, so I’m sure that I won’t run out of movies to watch.

New routines.

Old routines.

Things to keep me busy.

Things to keep my mind off of this new fucked up normal that is life.

Fuck Trump.

Fuck China.

Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve declared my Fuck to them.

Fuck ‘em.

Being locked in isn’t any fun.

My Old Friend is back. Not as strong and the same strangeness. He lingers enough to let me know I’m not right.

He lingers enough to let me know that I’m not okay.

He lingers enough to let me know that I’ll survive.

It’s okay to acknowledge it.

It’s healthy to.

We all should be able to feel how we feel and not be afraid of it.

Sigh.

Back to it.

Back to my thought.

I feel like I should be writing again.

I want to explore my options of creativity.

I want to get my juices going.

Words.

Drawing.

Music.

I want it all.

I need any outlet.

This drive only comes when my Old Friend pays me a visit and this is no different.

Music.

That’s something that I really do want to explore.

Maybe from a little Garageband or just anything to play around with. It won’t be good, but I don’t care.

I just want to create.

I just want to focus on something else.

Feel productive.

Produce.

Something.

I should start.

I will start.

Poetry.

Words.

I want to create it all.

I will create it all and that’ll be my future.

I’ll be a Renaissance Man.

Let’s do it.