The beats go on and on with each constant thump, a second dies.

My life goes on and on and it seems to be going in the right direction.

Dinner plans made. Lunch plans made. Outings and socializing. The constant movement of forwardness of life. My life is moving on the course that it should be. It is slowly moving towards wherever it is that it needs to go.

I am not holding it back in anyway. I stopped that a long time ago. I am taking whatever worldly cues that splash across my retinas and act upon them.

I am doing what it is that I need to do. Living.

* * *

My travels to the far off land of Hotlanta have been uneventful as I expected. Work and work. Done and done. Everything is done as expected with the little problems here and there popping up as expected.

With everything that I had to do, I really didn’t have much time to do and explore the city. It wasn’t a walking city per se (or I just went to the wrong area), to just go and explore, which I eventually did for one night. Overall, it wasn’t a bad little trip.

The next trip is coming up tomorrow, next week. Dallas. Chicago (my beloved). That’ll be the fun trip. That’ll be the trip to savor and explore and work and work. That’ll be the trip that will take this little stress of mine away.

I can’t wait.

I think it is more for the fact that I get to visit a city I never been to before. Dallas. Sure that I might not have much time to go exploring the city, but it is a new city none the less. A new land. A new place. A new point in my map of exploration. Something new and different.

Then there is Chicago. Ahh, what can I say. I love the city. Again, will move there if I can. Most definitely. It’ll be the longest stay between the two cities because there is much to do there, but it’ll be fun with the company, with the food, and just hopefully the exploration.

Can’t.

Wait.

* * *

Work.

Stressed.

Annoyed.

All in one. Stressed and annoyed isn’t a good combination for me. I don’t mind the work, and the work load, but the boring and long and long meetings. The overabundance of different projects that are open between Don and I, is just ridiculous. I love it, but I need to learn to do whatever it is that Don is doing, so I can handle it on my own. I need to, and these projects are great help, but the unrealistic deadlines and long pointless meetings aren’t great.

But hopefully that will change. Hopefully things will ease down and get better.

For once, I felt that time was slipping away from me. There wasn’t enough time in the day to do whatever it is that I need to do.

There just wasn’t.

But we’ll see after I get back.

Busy week.

Hell week.

Now it is over and I get to relax by a business trip of constant working. I find it funny what I think is relaxing.

* * *

Socializing.

My change.

My midlife crisis.

Slowly and surely, things are changing and shaping up. I’m listening to those extra little pushes to do whatever it is that I need to do to grow up and little bit more, to make the be the better man.

Slowly, but surely.

Midlife.

This week has been a little crazy. I pretty much had something to do for most of the nights out of the week. With the movie on Monday, to dinner with B5 on Tuesday, dinner with Tyra on Wednesday. Thursday was a break for me and last night. There was a part of me that I wanted to hang out with Ms. D last night, but she was busy. There was also lunch with Frenemie.

Socializing. Meeting people. Going out. Living.

Logical steps brought on by this feeling of stagnation. There’s a need for change in my life, my midlife, and I think all of this socializing is helping me a bit. It feels that I’m making progress, I’m doing something.

There’s still this fatigue feeling I get from time to time. I’m just tired. Body. Soul. But that is nothing a little rest can’t fix.

* * *

B5.

Dinner.

It was fun as we went to Sunny Spot. It is a very cute restaurant and the lamb. My. Fucking. God. The fucking lamb. Yummers.

Any who, it was a great dinner; great fun and great convo like all the other times that we hung out. Things just felt comfortable and flirting was very very easy.

I still don’t think she sees me that way, but I think deep down inside that she does in some way. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Could be.

There’s hope.

Maybe.

* * *

Tyra.

This was the first time that I actually hung out with her. The happy hours and stuff don’t really count as I never really talk to her at all.

But it was interesting and fun, nonetheless.

The fundamental thing that I got out of our dinner? I need to go out and start dating. Meeting new people. Get a girlfriend, and I got a little insight into Ms. D. It’s stuff that I already know, but it was still interesting nonetheless.

She’s looking into playing matchmaker with me. Funny.

And now she’s off gallivanting in Europe; Spain and France for a month. Jealous.

Sweet girl. Pretty girl.

To be young and just be able to go off and be somewhere for a month. To be young.

Frenemie has the same aspirations. To just go and fly off and live and work in these far off lands. She should totally do it. Young, no responsibilities. Just do it.

If I was in her shoes that would definitely be something that I would do. But of course, if I am the person that I am now.

Sigh.

To be young.

* * *

Eye contact.

It seems to be happening a lot lately.

My eyes wander as I take in my scenery, the world around me.

That means, I’m looking at everything, chairs, tables, litter, people, and from time I’ll make eye contact with people.

But with the eye contact, once it has been established, I generally would just look away, continuing to take in my surroundings and eventually would go back to looking to things that I have already seen chairs, tables, litter, people.

While I was in Atlanta, exploring downtown, doing my photowalk like I usually do, I had my headphones on and just walk and walked.

I was walking down the street and noticed a group of people and in this group, there is only one girl.

I would go and look and see the girl and made eye contact with her. Then my eyes would wander again to other things. Taking in my surroundings. But through my peripheral I still see that the girl is looking at me. My eyes wander back again and we make eye contact again. This happened a few more times as I pass, our eyes lock again. Her eyes never left mine as she is half trying to listen to one of the guys in her group while she was staring at me.

What does that mean?

Same thing happened on the airplane.

Was there something on my face? I have no clue.

Is it a matter that she’s interested or is it something else?

Blah. Confusing.

* * *

Ms. D.

Tanner.

Still fucking confusing.

No fucking clue.

I don’t think anything is ever going to change there.

I know I keep telling myself that it is just time to just move on, but I have no idea.

Blah.

Blah indeed.

Slow and slow, my life makes its adjustment.

Taking on a new task, taking on a new change, taking on a new challenge.

Slowly but surely, adjustments are being made.

Not sure how it will all turn out but in a way, I am definitely interested to see where things will end up with this new found challenge.

* * *

Off to stranger lands that once was familiar.

I am on the road again, or in the air this time. Not for the fun fun travels that I am use to, but now for the workie work that I have to do.

I always look forward to these travels as I get to go to cities I normally wouldn’t get to visit because they are usually never on my radar.

Atlanta, Chicago (my beloved), Dallas, and then Portland.

But my summer seems full of these adventures of work and work and I can’t wait for them. They’ll make my year fly by faster than it already has. It’ll be another blink and I’ll be doing another bah humbug and even maybe another another year older, another year wiser.

Time is flying by and all I can do is just hold on by the seat of my pants and go wherever it is willing to take me.

Life. It’s not in my hands, but that of a beating constant. Time.

* * *

As I’m sitting here, the cool artificial breeze blowing down on me, I try to type my life away. I try to ignore my surroundings and the cute girls that are around me and focus on my usual tip tap typing of taps.

But I can’t. I just can’t as my focus isn’t what it used to be.

So I sit and try, but I always fail as someone new comes in, someone cute comes in.

I take a gander, another look at my surroundings, but I can’t just focus.

The cold air blows, chilling me to the bone.

It takes me away, distracting me from the thing that I really need to do. It kills this usual urge to type and type things out. It freezes my creativity, the juices of inspiration, of creativity just sits there until it is thawed. But it never will be. Not here. Not anytime soon.

* * *

The Nurse isn’t here today.

Her test was on Monday. Done and done. There is no need for her to come in and study anymore.

She’s done with the studying, possibly done with the school year.

She’s out there enjoying this beautiful day, enjoying the sun like any normal person would.

That is something that I should do, but I’m not normal.

The Nurse is probably still in bed, sleeping in on the weekend for once. No need to get up early and get ready to go studying.

Later she’ll enjoy a late lunch and then make her way to the beach, getting some sun.

Once it gets a bit chilly, she’ll head home to take a nap before she goes out clubbing in celebration of finals being over. It’ll be her last weekend here before she goes back to wherever she came from.

NoCal? Bay Area? Or somewhere else. Who knows.

She’s just a mystery to me, someone I met in passing and shared a moment or two.

* * *

Routine.

I live it. Tis is my life, but this routine that I have fallen into now is not the routine that I am comfortable with.

It is not the routine that creates the finger tappings that I have grown accustomed to and have fallen in love with. It is a shadow of it; a light fading shadow.

I miss it. I miss the times where I’m able to come here and just plug in and forget everything and just type away.

My thoughts flow with the assuredness of the Nile or the Amazon. It flowed because it must.

Now, it is a standstill of murky water; unclear as to what it is that it wants to be; unsure about how to get back to where it once was.

Lost without any motivation or direction. Even the laws of gravity and the geography of the world cannot make this flow worthwhile.

For all is a standstill.

* * *

Here I am, sitting here in my usual place, my usual table, doing my usual usual, typing my soul away.

This week is unlike any other week that have come and gone in these past couple of years. No different to anything or any day at all.

But something is going to happen today that will deviate from the norm, something spectacular is going to happen and I don’t know what it is.

I look around the shot and no much is different.

The gaudy graffiti wall is the same. The boba week competition is the same; well, except for a few more colorful orange stickers, not much is different.

The tea is the same, as is the cool-cold-warm recycle cool-cold-warm temperature.

Not much is different, but something is different. Something happened today that usually never does.

Contact with the outside world. Contact with another being, another compatriot, here to do her studying.

It started with us vying for the same table, but I relented and gave her as I was nice to ask her which one she preferred.

I kept up my generally friendly demeanor and just maintained the dreaded small talk that I usually tend to avoid.

We are all the same, here to do some work. Here to get something done.

Obviously her stuff is much more important than mine, studying for an exam, for school.

Me, I’m just doing my usual soul searching. I’m just doing my usual brain purge.

Today is a little different.

I can do this. It should always be this easy, but I never keep it up.

* * *

Socializing.

How does an anti-social hermit be social? How does most everyone that he meets have the impression that he’s such a social butterfly? How so?

It just happens that way. It just happens that most of time that he hangs out it is in small crowds doing the things that he feels comfortable in doing. That is how. He doesn’t put himself in a situation where he is uncomfortable, in a situation that he doesn’t want to be in.

When it is family that he’s hanging out with, it is different also, because it is family. There just never seems to be a problem whenever he hangs with family. There’s no pressure to impress, to be more than who he is.

I guess in a way even though he strongly believes that he doesn’t need to impress, the psychological urge to be liked in some aspect is pushing him to try to impress and this poor soul caves at the pressure of doing so.

It is his flaw. One of his many. It just happens that he doesn’t know how to just let things go.

Sometimes it is successful. Other times. Not so much.

* * *

Boba girls.

They are here as it is their job to be here, taking orders, being polite, making their drinks and they do it all giggly and cute.

I’ve seen the shorter one here for a while, especially on the weekend. It seems she’s the opener most of the time and she has come to remember who I am and what drink I usually get. She usually gets it prepared before I even get my order through and sometimes she’ll give me a little discount to boot.

She’s really cute, as I have mentioned to Selena Kyle. Cute.

There are times where she’ll come in with a plastic sunglasses frame without any lenses and it just throws me off. I’m like what the fuck, but I let it go. It’s her prerogative and it is what it is.

A hipster and not just any hipster, a Asian hipster to book.

If Selena Kyle is right and the guy that she pointed out is the shorter one’s, Cutie McShorty, boyfriend, that I guess it is fitting.

He’s the textbook definition of a Asian Hipster. He’s a Hong Kong or even a Taiwanese cool stylish hipster. Something that I don’t get by the way. Not one bit at all.

It is a general confusion for me why that is stylish, but yet again, to each their own.

The taller one, I don’t know her name as we hardly ever spoke, is not bad looking either. Tall and thin.

From time to time I’ll see her steal a look in my direction or it just so happens that we’ll catch each other’s eye as I take a micro break from my finger tappings and survey my surroundings.

She’ll throw me little smiles as she comes into the shop, starting her shift.

All in all, she’s not bad either.

As for the other one, the Canto Singer, I haven’t seen her in a while.

* * *

Starting fresh.

Starting new.

A crashed computer wiped out the rant I had earlier about a coworker of mine.

Angry and easily annoyed, that is what I am.

Angry and easily annoyed.

But I am learning to let it go. I’m taking the long weekend to just remove myself from the mind of work and hopefully go in on Monday with a better attitude.

Hopefully.

* * *

Calm and calmed.

That’s what I need to be as I go about my days at work, just doing whatever project it is that I’m working on, learning on whatever it is that I need to learn.

I go about my day, doing whatever it is that I need to do.

Day in, day out.

My life.

The routine of the real world.

* * *

There is this constant sense of anger that is in me as of late and I don’t know how it got there or when it got there. It is just there.

Maybe I am like the Hulk and that’s what it is about me too, I’m always angry. I am always angry.

Sometimes my anger of things, as I get easily annoyed at other people’s shit.

I just don’t know what the root of the issue is. Why is it there?

I thought that I am fixed through and through for the most part.

I thought, I thought.

I guess I thought wrong.

Maybe I am tired. Maybe I just need a break and take another trip, another vacation.

Maybe I just need a change.

It sure feels like I need a change.

I just need a big change in my life and I’ve felt this way in a long time.

Made known in my earlier entries, I just need a change.

2012 is a year of change for me, a year of growing up, maturing, just a little bit more.

This man-child that I have fallen in love with is getting antsy to grow up just a little bit, but it is fighting it.

Maybe that is where my irritability is coming from. Just maybe.

* * *

Blah to this irritability. Blah to it all.

* * *

Thoughtless.

Nothingness.

Letting my mind wander free, coming to terms with this lack of concentration that I am feeling and just letting my fingers go through its exercise of typing letters into words.

I have to get back into the grove of things and I’m starting with going back to my roots, my basics of writing things that have no meaning and just doesn’t make any sense.

Words.

Coming together to form sentences.

Drunk and mysterious…

* * *

There she is, working again today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her.

The last few times that I did it was on her day off, coming in here just to hang out with her cohorts and doing whatever she is doing.

Today is different. She’s working today, back behind the counter, working. No time to talk as I am plugged in, typing away.

Will words pass between us today? I don’t know, but the day is still early. Hopefully maybe things will happen.

Let’s just say things are still early.

Now it just makes me wonder, what is her story?

As I just notice some stranger walking into the shop, we made eye contact and she just smiled and said “Hi.”.

Back to the story, back to the question, back to the things at hand.

What is her story?

* * *

Let’s call her Jasmine.

She started her way back in college a few years back and after graduation she decided to stay on the job, not full time, but as part time to make some extra cash on the weekends and maybe the late shift. It’s just a job that helps her unwind, to put her mind away from her regular 9-5 of being an accountant, pushing numbers all day.

Jasmine works and works, putting her hours in crunching numbers, matching statements processing invoices, keeping the company’s budget. She goes in and comes out, day after day, living the daily grind.

But there is something lacking in that life. There is a lack of passion that comes with a practical job and that lack of umph is severely hampering her enjoyment of life.

Sure she had dreams of something bigger when she was younger. Who didn’t, but the die didn’t roll in her favor; snake eyes. First roll and she’s out.

But Jasmine’s job here keeps her going. It is the only outlet she has outside of her job. The friends that she’s made here having given her the push to go on, living, realizing that life is worth living….

* * *

Cold air blowing on my head, freezing my scalp.

It distracts me from my usual finger tappings that I have become use to.

It distracts me from writing anything well and anything worthwhile.

I struggle to pull something out of my poor brain of mine, but nothing comes.

It is just mindless rambling of nothing.

Usually I am no oppose to nothings, but only if it is just sweet nothings.

This. This. It is some other beast.

* * *

Back with the backers.

Long gone and back now with something new and something different.

All is gone all is lost.

No more. No more.

London Bridges is back and she’s looking good. She looks great, in better shape; slimmed down, baby fat gone. Still cute as ever and she’s back.

* * *

Hold on for one more day…

Losing my mind in this constant drowning.

* * *

Really struggling to come up with something.

I’ve never been through something like this before. This is really difficult.

Where to begin? Where to start?

The mental retardation of my thoughts is seriously handicapping my capacity to put finger taps into words. I am seriously having difficulties putting words into sentences and then paragraphs and then ultimately into coherent thoughts that express the distractions that I have been going through.

I am definitely having mental difficulties. Definitely.

As my life progresses, a second at a time which adds up to minutes, hours, days, months, years, I do realize that as I get older, things change.

I have always known that things change for better or worse, but it always felt that I have some form of control and say on how I want things rendered.

But it just seems like things are out of my hands, my control.

This little mid-life that I am experiencing has no root in anything that I am aware of. It just showed up.

Where did it come from? How did it sprout?

Why?

It is just there and it is something that I can’t shake.

As I look around at the things that were my usual distractions, things that my heart usually harp on, I just seem to give up and let things go.

That pull that they usually have over me doesn’t really have any effect on me anymore. I just let it be. Let them be.

Am I gone? Is this heart of mine tired of playing these games of yearning and panging?

Maybe.

It is tired of this sense of ennui. It is just tired.

It needs to rest and just beat on its own without any reason to. It just needs to beat for a while, march on with its usual cadence.

Beat.

Thup-Thup.

* * *

I see you walking down the hall, you noticing me, smiling at me.

You are just being you, your nice sweet self. You want to talk. I see that.

Normally I would just be head over heels bonkers at the opportunity, but now, recently, I just want to do what I need to do and leave.

I’ve changed. Something in me just snapped and I just can’t do this anymore. I need to focus and not think about something that I just can’t have.

What’s the point?

Is there really any point?

I don’t think there is.

Focus.

That’s all I need.

Focus.

Work on things.

I need something to drive my existence and I think I lost it somewhere, somehow.

Over.

Things are just over.

* * *

My heart is closed for business.

First it was a whirlwind relationship that blossomed over a week. It all started with a chance meeting sharing a cigarette. Now, it’s into the relationship and all the usual bullshit that comes with it.

What is to come? How will it end? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

* * *

I sit here aging. Growing second by second, minute by minute. It will never change. This will be the case till I my final minutes, till my final seconds.

Tis is life and there is no escaping it.

There’s no point in reminiscing in the past and living in the warm nostalgia. There’s no point in fretting about the unknown future. Whatever will come, will come and who is to say that it won’t?

Time beats on. Time goes on forever, even when all the clocks have lost their ability to keep track of time.

Time is the ever elusive constant of life.

There will always be beats that ticks and ticks and ticks.

* * *

Prose.

Been writing a lot of prose lately, well more so than usual.

Prose.

It’s not good. But I don’t think it is that horrendous either. It is what it is.

My latest was the longest and most involved short story I had ever written. It was based on a prompt by Ms. D.

Prompt: WORST Date. Ever

For the most part, I did just that. Wrote about what I think would be the worst date ever, but it’s open to a lot of interpretation as to what is the worst date.

I finished it and turned it in at the nick of time. Just a few minutes before it was due.

I actually had fun with it. It’s been a while since I had fun writing something. Everything else felt like a chore, but these little prompts were fun. Especially this one, because I was so ambitious with it.

Two characters. Alternating from each perspective. Written in different writing styles.

Quinn’s part was written in a more straightforward usual prose. Very sparse of colorful language and words.

Melissa’s part was written in the vein of chick-lit; chock full of inner monologues and questions.

It was definitely fun. It was definitely a challenge.

Overall, I am happy with the finished product, even though I know it still can use a lot of work and it has a lot more untapped potential.

It was a first draft and I need to remember that it is a first draft. It can be reworked and be better.

* * *

Looking over my writing, reading it over, seeing my style of prose and how I write, I know that it isn’t really that good.

Listening or even reading more polished and professional prose, those of David Levithan, Rachel Cohn, and even John Green, I see that my writing is lacking. I am holding back, afraid that the length is long, afraid of how I write.

Their writing is bold. Their writing is simply better.

Eventually, one day, I’ll reach that level of prose and hopefully maybe surpass it.

Here’s hoping.

* * *

She’s not here today.

I usually have been seeing her on the weekends, in her little group. I don’t know whether she was studying or just doing something else, but I would always see her.

I wonder what he story is. I don’t even know what her name is.

I know that she works here from time to time. That is all I know.

We’ve been seeing each other from time to time here on a customer/server capacity for a while now. We usually do our Hi’s as I place my order and I just go off to the table and focus on whatever work I was doing that day.

I’ve seen her at the Sushi Stop and here on her off days.

It’s been a while and she knows nothing of me as I know nothing of her.

One day we just started to talk a little more. Just a little bit and a little bit.

Slowly it builds and builds and still there is just really nothing. It is just two passing strangers that have a built in relationship of customer/server. Nothing more.

Soon she found out a little more about me. She found out that I understand Cantonese.

She was sitting there in her little study group as I coined it and she was talking to one of her friends who was working. She was asking her to sing a song, Happy Birthday and I just heard and laughed.

She noticed that I understood what she was saying and she asked me about it.

I told her a little. I understand a little. I understand a lot, enough actually, but I just told her a little.

She’s cute. Not bad looking at all. I wonder who she is. What is she like? I wonder…

Will I get to see her again today? I doubt it. She’s not here and there are no signs that she’ll be here.

I just sit here and continue what it is that I am doing, which is trying to get back to the times of yore where I can just write and write and write and get my thoughts out of my head.

I just write.

* * *

The above, not good writing at all.

* * *

Slowly drifting away.

It glides away leaving my heart with the heaviness that it has grown quite accustomed too. It is the heaviness before the break, the healing that it must do. It is the pain of the right direction, the pain of release.

Eventually it’ll just melt away as my heart just freezes up again, putting up its natural defenses and not anyone in.

But history tends to repeat itself. Someone will just find the chink in my heart’s armor and start chipping away at it, letting the warmth melt the ice away allowing me to feel again.

Me, feeling is never a good thing because it’ll always end with me in pain.

Heart pains.

The story of my life.

I think it is poetic that I have heart problems, a whole family history of heart problems. My murmur, heart disease, chest pains. Just fitting.

It is the only way for a person like me, a person with such a huge heart, to live, just full of heart problems.

Let’s see how long it lasts, let’s see who is the next person that can chip away and melt this heart of mine.

Let’s just see.

Just about 11 days until I turn a new number. Just about 11 days before I usually do my yearly diatribe of another year older, another year wiser. Just about 11 more days.

That yearly diatribe isn’t going to happen on the 10th exactly for I’ll be on the road, but it might. I don’t know.

Just about 11 more days.

Right now, I don’t know what it is that I want to write? Do I even have enough to write about given how I feel stagnate as of late?

I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just figure something out. I guess I just have to. Can’t just let a tradition I have just die like this. No. It won’t.

* * *

For the past couple of months I have been feeling a little fatigued. For even longer I felt a sense of cloudiness in my head. I can’t focus. I can’t put thoughts into words that matter. I couldn’t do much of anything at all.

I’ll find any excuse to procrastinate, to not do whatever it is that I needed to do or wanted to do. Any excuse and I think I might have found the solution. My health.

The blood results came back from my doctor visit and everything that I thought could possibly be wrong with my body checked out okay. It is just that I am Vitamin D deficient.

It’s quite common.

The thing that bugs me about this whole thing is that I’d been taking supplements for it for a few months now and it still hasn’t done much of anything at all. Nothing.

Hopefully taking the prescription supplements will help me get back into form, ’cause I hate this feeling.

I feel so blah. There’s that blahness of ennui that I can’t shake. It isn’t quite the old familiar friend of mine, but a different level of it that I just think it is worse.

With my old familiar friend, at least I know what it is. This other feeling, I can’t put into words. It’s just a lazy daze of consciousness and it is not good at all.

Hopefully I’ll be back to form, back to normal before my birthday trip. Here’s hoping.

* * *

I don’t know when it started to happen; maybe it was just this new year or maybe it had been growing on me for quite some time now, I’m not sure, but I’m starting to get a little bored of my life.

I have so many ideas and creative ventures that I want to do, but they are out of the norm.

In terms of photography, I’m bored with what I usually do. In terms of screenwriting, I’m bored with it.

I need something new, something different.

I have started to change it up a little bit with the collaboration with Bradley and also with the writing prompts to write more prose, but I think I need something more.

In terms of photography, I think I’m just at a standstill because I’m just impatiently waiting for my new camera. But I know that is just an excuse brought upon by this newfound blahness of mine.

I need to do something. I need to do it and just do it.

Just do it.

It just seems my life is pushing me into a certain direction. It is certainly a direction that I definitely need to take and a direction that I need to choose to take, but I do feel that it is time for another change.

Just when I thought I’d gotten comfortable in my life it is time for another change in my life.

Like last year had been a year of socializing, this year will be an extension of that. It’s a year that will push my boundaries a year that will definitely change me into a different person. I just hope it changes me into a better person.

There is this sense in me that I need to go out more, to meet new people, and do different things. There is this need to kind of hang with people instead of being stuck at home. There’s this this-ness of change that definitely feel needs to take place.

I just don’t know if I’m comfortable doing it. I love being who I am, here, now, but this lingering feeling is just nagging at me. I need to get out more. I need to change. I need to better myself.

Funny. Isn’t that what I tell myself all the time? Change? That I welcome change? That one of the biggest reasons for this blog of mine is to document the change and life evolution that I have gone through in these formative years of mine.

It is something that I need and I shouldn’t be afraid of doing it. I just need to man up and do it.

I think I just may have.

* * *

Sure there is that change that I’m trying to move on from Ms. D, but there’s still a part of me that is still latched on. I’m just trying to find someone else. No, scratch that. I’m trying to forget her and just be which is how it should be. I shouldn’t be searching, finding. I should just be.

I’ve been trying to get more hang out time or a date with B5. I like her, I do. She’s cute and I’m just trying to work that. I’m just trying to see where I can get and hopefully something will work. We’ll see. It’s just a game of patience and virtue and we all know how much I hate games.

Been hanging out with the Blocks more since the year started. There’s nothing there, just your usual sibling relationship. She’s just someone to hang out with and bounce things off of.

I do notice that girls are noticing me more. It’s just that I don’t know what it means. Curse my simple mind for not being able to decipher the intentions of the fairer sex. Curse me. Curse.

It is what it is and I just have to deal with it. Blah. Blah indeed.

I also just joined the company’s softball team. After listening to the glassed-middle-A talk about it, I got interested. I just need to go out and do something.

Hopefully it’ll be good and I’ll have fun with it.

Also, it gives me a good excuse to exercise. I need it. It’ll get me the bodily action I need to get in shape without having to “workout” at the gym. It’s a win win for me.

I just hope it’ll be good and fun.

* * *

Maybe it is time for me to grow up. Maybe approaching 33 is the magical number that is pushing me to finally grow up and get my act together.

It is the time of my mid-life/one-third-life crisis. It is time that I just need to get my shit together.

I don’t know what is the precursor that is pushing this through, but I definitely feel it.

Is it my biological clock? Is it that I’m feeling the pressure of needing to be with someone, to start a family, to finally settle down and just enjoy my life and experience this out of reach sensation of love?

Is that it?

I don’t know, but there is this need to be more proactive in my life.

I think I have been stagnating for a long time now and it is just time for me to break out of my cave and go explore. I’m starving and I need to find more fuel/food for my life. I need to grab whatever sustenance that can drive me and make me want to continue on.

I just need something, just a little bit. Just something more.

Something.

* * *

The year is a quarter of the way over, or well, almost a quarter of the way over and there’s still a lot more of it left.

What is in stored?

I don’t know, but I do have a feeling that things are going to change. It has to. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.

There is a burning desire in me to change, to do something.

I don’t even remember the last time I had a feeling like this.

No, this isn’t a feeling of me wanting to be in a relationship or a need for me to start a family or a need to settle down.

This is something more primal, more global, more general.

It is just a need to just change my life for the better.

Thinking about it, taking a step back and looking at it at a different perspective it is just a general and natural progression of growth. It is.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am comfortable with who I am. I have gotten to a point where I have accepted my faults as a person and welcomed all of the greatness that I am.

I’ve been comfortable for a long time now and it is just the right time in my life to change.

It just is.

And, I must.

I just need you now…

It’s been a while since I have put anything really meaningful into this thought bank of mine. It has been a long while indeed.

I am here, finally just thinking, working, being a little antsy and annoyed at the camera gods up in the cosmos trying to figure out why?! Why haven’t my Nikon D800 arrived yet? Why haven’t it shipped yet? Why did I fucking order from B&H? Why? Why? Why?

But it is something that I need to learn to let go. Just let it go. I have waited patiently this long for it to be actually released. A few more months isn’t going to kill me. Right? Who the fuck am I kidding? Fuck it to holy hell.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

I’m impatient.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

* * *

Rant…over.

It seems for the most part that the mysterious fatigue is gone. I am still tired, the zombie drone droning on in the real world, waiting for the inevitable zombiepocalypse. It’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of when. Will I be ready for it?

I’ll fit in like it is nothing.

Nothing at all.

Ever since I stopped sitting on the exercise ball and started to stretch out, my energy level started to get better. That constant fatigue and sore back eventually went away.

It just shows that I am getting older and just weaker. I need to exercise more. I am so low on energy that it is just mucking up my energy.

Maybe that is one of the reasons why I am feeling that I am hitting my midlife crisis. I am hitting it in full stride, not looking back, not fighting it. Head on. It’s going to happen anyway. Might as well face it head on and embrace it.

Embrace it.

* * *

I’m almost 33. That fateful day is forever approaching and I’ll be off in some foreign land named Arizona during that day in my car just driving with my trusty Pickles admiring the scenery.

It’ll be another good birthday trip, hopefully. It’ll be another great time by myself unwinding.

It just seems that the theme for this year is hermitude.

Sure I have been hanging out with Cynderblocks form time to time, whether it is for lunch and once in a blue blue blue moon it’ll be with B5, but there is a huge part of me that wants to just be on my own. I just want to recollect my thoughts and just focus on myself and just say fuck the world.

I have dialed back my social visits, especially those to Ms. D and I just need to focus on myself.

I don’t really understand where this sudden need came from, but it just seemed that since the beginning of the new year, or even maybe before then I just felt that I need to.

It’s not that I was burned out by all the socializing I was doing because I really didn’t socialize all that much in relation to most social people, but last year was definitely a very social year for me.

I don’t know. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe I just need to refocus and reprioritize my life.

What is important to me?

What is it that I need to do and what is it that I just need to let go and forget about?

Do I want to just work and focus on my hobbies, whether it is my photography or my writing or any other projects? Or is it that I just want to refocus my life on trying to find someone?

If it is the latter, I think it is more important to think if I actually want to be in a relationship first. I still have no idea what it is that I want.

Maybe I should just take the time off and not think about relationships for a while. I just need to forget and avoid girls, the female species, women. I just need to avoid the Y chromosome.

I just need to forget and find other things to occupy my mind.

And for the most part, I have been doing that with my little writing projects.

* * *

Unfocused.

There’s just been a lot of things on my mind recently and I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with this mysterious illness that I have or maybe I’m just getting old and I have subconscious itch to make a change in my life and I just don’t know what that change is yet.

I don’t know.

I don’t’ know much of anything right now.

That’s the story of my life.

Maybe my little vacation will help refresh my mind and get me back into the game of life. I’m definitely hoping that that is the case.

* * *

Blah..

I can’t do this.