A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do/ Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through.

I just need to man up and do what I got to do.

All signs point to the thing I dread and the thing that I already know.

I know what the answer is, but for some reason, I am just holding on to hope, thinking that it is just my general obliviousness that I can’t read her.

But I think I know better. I know what the truth is.

And the truth is, that she isn’t interested.

Maybe my body is just on a full on rejection of what I am doing, my plan of action to just wait things out while I can be out there, moving on, finding something else.

I have to do it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Just do it.

* * *

I think I have been holding on to this…this for far too long.

I should have just succumbed to my thoughts and my instincts that nothing is going to happen.

I should have just listened to the mutual mutual and just call it a day.

It would probably save me from going through the added stress and heartache that I have been going through for the past year or so.

It is time.

I should be time.

* * *

I need to commit. I need to follow through.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

I need to just do it. Cut it off. Cut her off.

Soon, she’ll just be a distant memory. Someone who I’ll speak with on the off chance that our paths cross and nothing more.

There’s no hope in this anymore. There’s no romantic notion that distance will make the heart grow fonder. It can’t happen on my part. It shouldn’t happen on her part.

I have to go on, living my life, moving in the proper direction, moving in the straight path to freedom, broken strings and all.

That’s the plan; the slow fade away. The disappearance. The gone gone of me.

I need to just focus on what it is that is important in this situation. My mental health. My mental stability.

I need a clearing instead of this confusing fogging that I have been living in for the past few years.

It has to go down like this.

I have to be done. Done done.

* * *

A memory wipe.

Maybe that is all I need, just a little electric shock that wipes away everything that I have ever felt for her. A little Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, a little wipe wipe.

Maybe that is just what anyone needs to do.

It is just to forget.

Forget these long feelings. Forget these heart pinings. Forget these little cute looks and whatever triumph I get that maybe be signs of interest.

That is just her doing what she does, and I am just too weak to fight off these little things, thinking that every little thing is significant, giving them meanings of absolute loving when they are just nothing more than normal actions from her that she gives to anyone.

I need to take her down from that pedestal, make her the ordinary girl that she is.

No one should deserve this kind of attention or place in my heart when she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

This is the sickness that I have been fighting for years. It is a chronic disease that I’m still trying to find a cure for. I fall and fall, no matter who it is.

* * *

It’s the chase.

It has to be, right?

How does it explain my trend of falling for girls that I have to chase, to woo, to try to change her mind. It seems to be always the case where the girl isn’t interested in me that way, the type of girl that I have to change her mind. It just seems that I have lost every game that I have played.

I love the chase, but I guess I’m just not a good player to get her to change her mind.

I guess I am just bad at this.

* * *

Maybe my heart is just a little confused as to what this whole love thing is about?

Maybe it just wants the girls that aren’t interested, and if so, that is just a sick sick thing and I need to find the medicine for it.

Or maybe I am just the hopeless romantic who just wants something that he can’t have?

That’s way too many maybes.

I just need something that makes sense, something solid that I can just look, analyze and fix.

I don’t think my mind is too fractured or my heart is too broken to be able to be able to find this longing happiness that I so dream about.

I am no different than any normal person.

* * *

The dull achiness pours its way up through my neck to the lower stem of brain, the back of my head.

The pain aches, not allowing me to do what it is that I need to do. All that is in my head is this pain.

Why?

What brought on this pain? It is psychological? Am I being the same as I have always been? Lingering on too long and going back on what I said I was going to do because there was some semblance of attention?

I don’t know. But I know I just need to stop. Look forward.

Everything. Think about the open possibilities.

* * *

Work on one self.

Work on me.

Do me.

I need to just regroup and refocus. Get past this whatever whatever that I am currently spiraling in. It is just killing me.

Pain.

Head.

Heart.

The lingering lost feeling is slowly creeping back on me.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it was back in the days of yore, but it’s there. I feel it. The nagging feeling of everything. Just everything.

What caused it this time?

Is it a girl?

Weather?

Or is it just happenstance? It was just time in my cycle of cycles.

* * *

Head blazing.

Not motivation.

I don’t see the darkness nor the light. It’s just that constant grey.

What is it that I want?

What is it that I need?

I need to be honest with myself. I need to be true to what it is that I want to get out of my life, my situation, my happenings.

I just need to figure shit out.

It used to be that this blog was a tool for me to facilitate my own therapy.

It has become that less and less. It is now more a forgone thought than anything else.

Keeping things inside, repressed, boiling and stewing.

The constant mental poison playing tricks in my head, pulling the heart strings and shaping my mood.

All that I feel is that emptiness of a life unfulfilled. All I feel is a life full of untapped potential.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is just this.

Can I survive this? Can I fight this tiring fight again and again?

I don’t think it is a question that needs to be answered. It is something that must be addressed. It is something that I must do.

I must fight.

I must do it.

Grow up.

Simple.

* * *

Midlife?

Another existential crisis?

Another quarter-life?

An identity crisis?

Whatever it is, I’m going through it.

2012 hasn’t been a very cooperative year for me. It has been a mental disaster for the most part.

There’s this sickness that is in me that is slowly and softly killing me from the inside.

It pulls at my sensitivity and sentiments. It pulls at my heart. It pulls at my soul.

And currently, now, here, in this moment, this second of my life, I am a prisoner of it.

How long is my sentence?

I’m just hoping for parole on good behavior. That’s all I can hope for right now.

If I even have that left…hope.

* * *

Creativity.

Gone.

It has sucked it dry.

It has sucked whatever motivation I had to create, to be different, to tap the tappity taps away from these fingers and mind of mine.

The outlet is gone. The forethought to put words together to string them into a coherent story is gone.

When will it come back?

When can I get back onto this horse of mine and just gallop away with my words and my writing and my learned love?

When?

Finger tappings. It’s been a long while since I have worked out the dexterity of my digits and I think it is time; time to get back to the working of it.

I would like to think that many things have happened in my life since then, many things that deserve the mentions that I usually do, but it just seems that I let those moments pass me by and become memories instead of my usual tappity words that I have come to do.

Well, hopefully I can just do a mind purge, and clear it out with whatever it is that I need to clear it out with. I just hope that I can just put words to page. Words to empty space.

* * *

Eating.

That is the goal this weekend. That is the plan this weekend. Hien is flying down and all we are going to do is to eat.

Eating.

Love.

I hope that we get some good food. That’s all I’m really hoping for. Good. Food.

* * *

Putting thoughts into words.

It just seems recently that I have no thoughts that I can put into words. I have things going on in my life, but at the same time, it seems like I don’t have much to say about them.

I have thoughts on Ms. D, or the new found Found Master, or even life in general.

Life. It goes on. My mantra.

It does. There’s nothing to it and it is up to you to keep up and make it what you will.

Things won’t always make you happy, but things won’t always make you sad. It is up to you to make it work for you.

Life.

Like the point in Take This Waltz, There will always be gaps in life. Don’t go crazy trying to fill it.

It is true.

To life. To gaps.

Just ride them out in the scrambler and maybe you can just enjoy the time, the song, the moment that you in and be happy, smiling and then eventually everything will just fade to black.

Just enjoy the moment. Just enjoy the time that you have. Don’t be afraid of the in between.

* * *

Cute.

Driving me crazy.

It just seems that you can always make me smile, give me that feeling of utterly ahhhhh that I just want to gobble you up.

Ahhh. You drive me crazy indeed.

What can I do? What should I do?

Maybe this all goes back to that little precipice that I am standing on, that little point where I need to make a decision that will change my life, which will move my life forward instead of this rut or gap that I am in.

Soon, I will have to do it and just live with whatever happens.

Soon.

I’m tired of this thing that I am in, this thing that I am feeling. I’m just tired.

So literal, my feelings are.

* * *

Words.

I’m just typing words now, for the sake of typing words, for filling up the clean white slate.

I’m afraid to leave things white and just so clean.

White pages just needs to be filled.

That’s the point of it.

But I think I’m just wasting time, not being able to focus on the things that I need to put down, the thoughts that I need to do, the words that I need to express.

So quiet in my new days.

Just. So. Quiet.

* * *

Here I am again at my usual usual doing my mind-wander in this weekend of Carmageddon II.

It seems no different than any other weekend, no different than any other Saturday.

The sun is out shining its warmth all on us and I’m inside freezing with my hoodie sipping my tea.

It’s been about a month in since my last entry and looking back at things, not much has changed in my life. Not much will. It is what it is.

I sure have been going to the chiropractor getting my adjustments, slowly getting fixed and I’m doing my little yoga in the morning, trying to give my body the extra push that it needs to survive, to live through this little life rut that I am experiencing.

My writing is going as I am stuck on a story that is due in about a week and a half.

Maybe it is just this that I just can’t do any writing here at the boba shop anymore. As Stephanie says, I maybe need a change of venue, a change of place to do what it is that I need to do.

Maybe. But I do realize that for a while now, I was never been able to do much creative writing here. It’s just mostly my mind tappings, which itself has been getting infrequent and lacking of content.

Maybe things will change. But I don’t know. Things are just so up in the air right now.

I just hope I survive 2012 and 2013 will bring on better things.

Maybe. Hopefully. Hoping.

* * *

Words.

Typing words.

My drug of choice.

I’ve been on a binge lately, book after book. Words after words. I’ve been immersing myself into these finely crafted stories of hurt and pain and redemption and it just moves me.

It drives me, wanting me to do better, touching my heart seeing all of the little fixes in me, the little helps in me that I need or can give. It just makes me want to grow up and be.

Be a better man, a better person. It just makes me want to BE.

A grown up. Mature. Just…something more.

There is something more to me. Everyone says that. I have the potential to be many things; I have the potential to just be a great person.

Maybe some people actually see me that way already. I know that I just have a lot more left in me to fix, but it’s been a long road and I’ve fixed so much and changed so much that it is a good thing, a great thing.

But there is more. There’s always more. Definitely. Always.

* * *

Words.

Here I am doing my usual mind thumping which I haven’t been doing for a while.

In its replacement, I was doing my little attempts at prose, my little stories which hasn’t come to much of anything at all, well recently anyway.

I am happy with most of my other attempts, the tree, the affair…I’m happy with them, but I’m stuck.

I’m thinking of something else, something sweet, something different. Something…happier I guess.

I see it in my head. The slow burn of a relationship that I am oblivious too, but there’s that familiar bond there between the two. The sweet sing songs of routine and formalities and gestures that everyone goes through in life that slowly transforms and transcends all routines and formalities and gestures and become something in its own. It becomes the soft sweet sincerity of life talks and words that actually mean what they mean and not the false hollow words that is routine.

Maybe this little push is what I need, this little kick in the ass energizing yoga and mind meld to bring me back to peace and piece; it is what I need to bring me back to focus.

My mind has been in turmoil of such; frustrations at work, frustrations at home, frustrations at life.

Maybes.

There are quite a bit of them lately.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to just cure my little addiction. Just maybe Liberal Arts is right, that I just need to maybe put down my books, my words, my drug of choice, and instead of experiencing and living my life through books I need to start living my life and experiencing outside…there…here…out in the real world, in life, around the masses.

Just maybe.

I can still love my drug, but maybe just not so much of it. Ration. Small quantities. Maybe. Just maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

Liberal Arts

There’s this particular scene in the movie that I’ve been thinking about lately, or that really stood out to me while I was watching it the other night. Great movie by the way. Watch it.

But it was when Elizabeth Olson’s character Libbie and Josh Radnor’s character Jesse meet up that one last time. It was their closure scene and Libbie apologizes about what happened between them.

She made a point, she feels that she’s so much older than everyone student around her, she feels like she’s a 40-year-old stuck inside a 19-year-old’s body and she just feel like she fits in. I can totally relate to her. Always.

I always never felt that I ever fit in with my peers. Not really much. Now, it is a little different, a little better, but still, never ever truly feel I fit in with them.

So, in the film, she feels that by having a relationship with Jesse, who’s 35, she feels that she can just finally get there, cheat and actually be comfortable and be herself with him. But she’s lying to herself, trying to take that short cut.

She has to go through the time, the life, the experiences to get there. There are no shortcuts in life.

She just has to go through it.

Life. It is what it is.

That really struck a chord with me ’cause it is so true. That’s how I see it and there is no escaping it.

So, I sit here, silently waiting, biding my time until I actually become that 70-year-old man that I know that is trapped inside this 33-year-old body of mine.

Eventually time will catch up and maybe by that time I will feel comfortable again, but mostly by that time, that age, I wouldn’t care anymore.

Life.

It’s funny and in a way, full of surprises, but…not really.

* * *

Romance. The Romantics. The Idealists.

They were all miserable lonely men who had a clear revelation of desire and romance that they were able to capture and put down into words.

But ultimately, they were lonely.

I’m one of those, or at least I would like to believe I am one. I’m a romantic. I’m an idealist. I believe in the notion, the idea of romance, love. All kinds of it. The butterfly in your stomach, heart fluttering, nervous anxious kind that one gets when they are near the person that just makes them do the gaga.

The kind that just softens you relaxes you and melts that ice cold heart of yours and bends that tight frown into the beautiful smile that you have; I believe in love.

Maybe it is my fault, I believe in these impossible perfections that life can’t live up to it, so I always and will always be disappointed in it.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Pedestal. The idea of love is there. The romance. The sing song heart of hearts. That feeling of can’t living without another person.

I never ever in my life felt it, but it’s there. That yearning to achieve it, to be able to say I have experienced it just the once. Is that way too much to ask for?

Maybe.

Maybe I just love the idea of her. Maybe I am putting her on that pedestal like I have with the other girls before her.

Beautiful. Smart. Funny and a little sassy to boot. A girl with a kind heart and a bit of character has my heart in knots.

Maybe it’s because we are so similar in our interests that I feel that we can be a nice fit together. But maybe that is just wrong and that we are too similar to be any good together.

Maybe I just need to be open to ideas of others, opposites and embrace girls that I would never ever in my mind think that we can be much of anything but a common enemy.

The Romantic in me can believe that. The Romantic in me can believe I can tame the arch nemesis and our love will blossom out of our competition. The Romantic in me can believe that I can fall for that girl that never saw me in that light before, always thinking of me as the friend and nothing more.

The Romantic in me believes in all possibilities, all silver linings, the happy endings that everyone know that they deserve.

The Romantic in me can believe in everything.

Overall, I’m just a sucker living his life as a joker, holding court making everyone laugh out of jest and disappointment because that’s who he is, and that is what he does.

I’m a sucker for romance and maybe…just maybe I’ll be able to capture it one day in the words that I am so addicted to, so that everyone can experience it with me.

I just hope that I don’t fall in with history and be the miserable lonely men as the others.

Just maybe.

Hopefully.

I think it is time.

It is time to do the thing that I should have done so long ago.

Goodbye.

Gone. Done.

No more.

It is time and it needs to be done.

These feelings will slowly boil down to a simmer and eventually, nothing will be there anymore.

It needs to happen, and in a way, it is slowly starting.

I can’t be someone’s backup; I can’t be someone’s plan b.

* * *

There is really nothing to say, nothing to do.

It just needs to be done. I’m tired. I am so tired of my old ways.

I need to do something different and I feel if I don’t start now, then it’ll never get done.

I must move on. I have to.

I can’t live this life anymore. It’s not really healthy at all.

This applies not just to Ms. D, but to B5 also and to anyone else.

Done.

* * *

Mid-life crisis.

Am I still going through it?

In a way, it does feel like it. It does feel like I still need a change from my current life, a definite push to change things up and make more grown up decisions and be more of a grown up.

It feels more than the clothes I wear, it is more about the things I do and the things that make me happy.

I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something there that makes me feel I need to change.

How am I going to do it? I don’t know.

Just slowly fade away into the ether and just keep to myself more so than I do now? Or do I just continue on this path of socializing?

From all the actions that I have done lately, all the things that I’ve been doing, it does definitely seem like I am going out more, socializing more, and hanging out with people more.

It’s a good thing. It’s a thing that I definitely need to do, go out, meet new people.

But what does that get me? New experiences? Maybe.

Maybe that is what my life needs right now.

New experiences. New challenges. New things to do and see to shape me into a better person, a more grown-up person. I don’t know, but it does make sense.
‘
Looking back, life is such a fickle thing. You spend a lot of time just trying to figure yourself out and when you think you got it all nailed down; you have to do it again.

I wonder what the root of everything is for me. Why am I the way I am?

In a way, I know. I deeply know for a fact why.

That is because I, in a way, wouldn’t mind finding love, or something that comes close to it.

But, should I want it, or should it just happen?

My constant yearning for it, searching for it, clinging for girls that I think are the right fit for me is leading me nowhere. It’s just causing me anxiety and confusion and everything that comes with this stupid thing called love and the ironic thing is that I have not yet, once, ever been in it.

Never.

But yet, I want it. I’m going all kinds of bat shit crazy for it.

Fucking Hollywood and their fairytale romances.

Fuck it all.

* * *

Tired and hung over, I trudge my way into the local boba shop. Jordan wanted some, and he was our DD. I just wanted to be home cuddled up in my blankets asleep and a quarter-till-noon is way too fucking early to be still up after a late night of partying.

Fucking Jordan and his fucking tapioca balls.

* * *

It’s not like I have a lot of thoughts swimming around my head, waiting for it to drown or to be flushed, purged, whatever it is to get out.

It’s not like I they are no more or no different than any other typical thoughts in my head, but they are just there.

I just don’t know how to deal with them, or should I even deal with them or even just let them hang.

I just don’t know what it is.

What is it that I want to purge? What is it that I don’t want to deal with or am afraid to deal with?

Is it what is going to happen with the Traveling ROTC whenever she gets back in to town?

Is it that I’m still doing what I told myself not to do any more with Ms. D ’cause I already know that it isn’t going to happen? I’m just fooling myself there.

I’m just going back to the old ways. Sure I don’t visit her as often as I use to do, but in a way, I am still in contact with her. I am still emailing her. Ultimately, I know what I need to do. I just need to drop it.

Drop it.

* * *

I should just focus on the things that matter, on the things that I have control with, on the things that are right here, now, in front of me.

I should just let whatever comes my way, come my way and I deal with it then. I’m always on the defensive and whenever I get a chance to do any offensive playing, I jump at the chance.

It seems that I have to punt every time. My drive will go and sometimes head to the red zone, but I’ll get stopped. I’ll fumble, throw an interception; either way, there’s a turnover and I lose possession.

Maybe I should just quit the game and find something else that I’m better at, another sport, another hobby, another livelihood.

I just need to.

I’m not getting younger and it just seems everyone is concerned with my “social” well-being. I need to be with someone. I need to have children. Or so they say.

* * *

It’s a quiet day today.

Or so it seems like it is a quiet day.

I don’t have much planned today. Stopping by the cemetery to pay my respects and then that is about it until tonight. I will be going to Seattle to do some night photography with Cloud tonight. I already scoped out some possible places to do that and that is about it.

Tomorrow is going to be a long hike, a big hike that should be pretty cool. Hopefully.

But other than that, my vacation will come to an end on a quiet Saturday and then bright and early on Sunday morning, I am gone gone gone; driving back down to sunny SoCal.

* * *

Lake Serene.

It was very tranquil. It is a little lake that is on top of this little small mountain that we had to hike up. It was a great ending to a difficult hike for out of shape people.

I went with the kids again, but this time Thien came along. She did not like the hike at all.

She was forced to hike up these mountain trails that are bad for your legs and knees. I don’t think she’s ever pushed herself to that level of physical exertion before.

She was cursing herself the whole time up. She hated the whole time she was hiking. She was almost on the verge of tears during the hike, but she sucked it up and held them in.

Up at the top, when we are resting. She cried. She couldn’t stop. The tears flowed and flowed. She cried.

Whether they were sad tears or happy tears, I don’t know.

I would like to think that they were happy tears. I would like to say that they were happy tears streaming from the joy of accomplishing something that was so difficult for her. The physical challenge of hiking up the mountain and the big payoff is the rest along the beautiful lake.

I would like to believe that and I will continue to believe that.

I think it was a great day for her. A great day of great accomplishments and battle scars.

It showed her that she can do things that she maybe believed that she can’t do. She just can’t give up.

I would like to believe that.

Happy tears.

* * *

My vacation is coming to an end. My vacation is winding down on this off day of resting and not doing much. It will be a day of being home and just being.

It will be the perfect day to end my vacation.

Looking back at this long long two weeks on the road, it has been the busiest vacation that I have done up here.

Last year’s was busy, but I don’t think it was as busy as this.

Both trips are so much alike, but so different at the same time.

I did a lot on this vacation and it felt like I’ve accomplished so much. These past two weeks went by in a blur and most of it I don’t even remember exactly what I did, but I did.

It started out with visiting Sister and Gifu in Fresno, spending the night there. They seem to be doing well. Gifu looks well, which is always a good thing.

Then the trip officially started with San Francisco. My whole goal was to bring Pickles to explore the city. He’s never been and now he had.

We walked along the piers all the way down to Fort Mason. It was a good long walk on a good slow day.

Then I had dinner at Big Aunties. She seems to be doing well and it seems that we’ll have another addition to our expanding family soon. I’m happy for them. For her. She’s wanted it for so long now and I’m glad that she will finally get it.

Then it was the uneventful drive up. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. Slow and easy…and thankfully because I started it from the bay area, much shorted than my trip tomorrow.

Sunday and Monday were just days of rest.

Monday was a day of tradition, meeting up with Lors for an Applebee’s happy hour and just basically catching up on all things that have been happening. It’s a good tradition that I hope to keep for a long time.

Tuesday morning was a beautiful beautiful drive down to Cannon Beach, OR down the 101. With that drive, I have officially been up along the coast from the 1 down in Los Angeles all the way up to Port Angeles on the 101.

The drive down was long and slow. I didn’t expect it to be that long and slow, but it was, but it was so worth it. Cannon Beach is so beautiful, but unfortunately it was a very very cold day that day. Pickles seemed to have enjoyed himself there, running free and chasing birds.

I know this has been a habit of Pickles that I’ve noticed during my drive up last year, but Pickles does like to chase birds. He likes to scare them into flight, especially pigeons and especially in San Francisco. It scared a few people, especially when he was barking. Believe me, his bark is scarier than his bite, which in a way is a good thing.

The trip down to Cannon Beach then to Portland practically took the whole day, but it was definitely worth it.

While in Portland, I tied Pickles up and he did his typical Houdini thing, escaping his bonds, but thankfully he didn’t get loose. Unfortunately, he destroyed property which I kind of half-assed fixed. I feel bad.

Wednesday was a day of business also. After an early early morning of trying to fix the screen door, I got a late start.

I went to visit the office, bringing Pickles along to meet the girls and then I was off to Multnomah Falls near Portland. It is such a beautiful waterfall. I can totally understand why it is always so crowded. If I had more time I would have done some more major hiking around the area. There seems to be so much to do in that forest area. It’s a hiker’s playground. The hike to the top wasn’t a bad hike at all. It was easy peasy as we got to the top and rested a bit before going down.

Next was city exploration in Downtown Portland. Overall it was all right on a hot and muggy day. I got to see some of the city, but not all of it. Good food though.

Overall, Oregon was a good trip. Of course I had to tie Pickles up again and this time he chewed through his harness. Fucker.

I drove back home that night. I was seriously think of spending the night and then on the drive up on Thursday morning go and visit Mt. St. Helens, but I didn’t. That’ll have to wait until next year. That’ll have to wait another time, and hopefully it’ll be worth it.

Thinking ahead and thinking about it, it seems that I might have to come up here one year without Pickles. In a way, that’s sad and unfortunate because I would love to have him with me all the time, especially hiking since we both love it so much, but there are so many great hikes I can’t do because there are no dogs allowed on these trails. I don’t have my usual gear and such, so in a way, it is so annoying.

But Thursday, I finally went and visited both Aunt and Uncle’s family, paying my respect and running and errand for mom. They took me to dinner.

Friday, I have no idea what I did, but I think it was another off day for me too, but I did have dinner with my brother that night and we did talk a bit.

Saturday was a day of rest since the next day we all went fishing.

Fishing was awesome. I actually had a great time fishing, catching our share and limit of sea bass and me hooking a few salmons. Unfortunately I was only able to catch one because all the other ones were wild.

We caught more than enough fish for a long time and thankfully I don’t live up here ’cause I’ll be eating fish forever. It was great bonding time in a way with my cousins that I grew up with, always tagging along, wanting to just do things with them. They are my brothers.

It seems like it’ll be another tradition that we are starting since they all want to do it again next year. I have no problem with that. Bring on the fishing.

Monday again was a day of rest. I was working on limited amount of sleep that day. I woke up tired, but that’s all right. I cooked some of the fish that night and it was great. The fish and chips were good, but they could have been crispier and the salmon was just cooked just right. A good sear and still medium in the center. Yummers. Nommers.

Tuesday was a day of quiet strolls. It was a day of scoping out photography places as I went to Seattle to explore. I went to get some Dick’s Drive In burger. It was all right, but I think i prefer in ‘n out better. But it was still good. I’m still thinking about the sauce that they have on the burger.

Then I went to check out Gas Work’s and Kerry Parks to scope out how the photography would be like. They both provide very beautiful views and are both interesting in their own right. I think I was more taken away by Kerry Park because of its small size. It’s small, like a strip down a block. Tiny.

Then Pickles and I went to walk along Alaska Way down by the piers and Pike’s Place Market and then grabbed dinner at Elliott’s Oyster House again. The Halibut…yummers.

Wednesday was a very short 8 mile hike with the kids at Lake Crescent. There’s only one place in the Olympic National Park area that allow dogs to hike and that’s where we went. It is such a beautiful place and they had such a beautiful bridge out in the middle of nowhere. The water…the water was a majestic royal blue. It was unbelievably clear and I still can’t get past the color. Unbelievably beautiful.

Along the way, on the drive there was some bonding time, me asking the kids questions about their lives. Why’d they broke up with their significant others and if they tried any drugs or what their favorite drinks were.

I like how they tell me stories about how they use me as an example to their parents. The boys got piercings which their mom isn’t too happy with. Their response: Cousin Phong did it! Too cute. Too funny.

It was a great bonding experience. I had fun.

Thursday was a day of rest too since I know that I had the day free. I went to visit the family at the cemetery. I brought Pickles with me and instead of keeping him in the car the whole time, I let him out near the end, to introduce him to everyone. He was good for the most part, but he was very very eager to go. Whether he sensed some unclean things that spooked him, I am not sure, but that was very very interesting. I hope my family liked him. I hope my dad and grandmother like him.

Then later that night, I was off again with the kids photographing Seattle. It was a beautiful night and the clouds really did add some drama to the photos. It was overall a great night, albeit a late night. I really liked the view at Gas Work’s. It was a great expansive view of Downtown Seattle. Kerry Park seeing the city lit up with their own illumination was great also, but it’s all about Gas Work’s, all the way.

Apparently Sinh got a speeding ticking driving home that night. Suck’s to be him. Glad in a way that it was just a traffic violation instead of something more horrific.

But it was another great bonding night with the kids. Van saw that I was driving up next to a car and checking out the girl inside and then it started. Me fucking with the boys about girls.

While at Gas Work’s, as we were leaving, we ran across a bunch of young girls. One of them, a short brunette said that she liked my dog. Sinh, as the girls were passing a distance off said in an audible voice: I like you!

Funny. So, that night, every time I see girls around their age, I’ll be like, check them out. Anyone there you like, blah blah blah.

This also continued during our hike at Lake Serene.

But the hike. The hike up there in those mountains was just great. All things considered, it was a great day for hiking. It was cool in the morning, but with our physical exertion, it was great to cool off, even as it got warmer as the day progressed.

The hike was flat and easy until we got to the fork and went up to see the Bridal Veil Falls. It was a nice waterfall. It was a short half-mile up, but with the elevation gain, it was a little difficult, but not really. Again, I felt bad for Thien who hated the hike, who wanted to die. But she manned up and saw the falls.

The hike down was quick and painless and then that was when the fun and pain began. The hike to the Lake Serene was a short 2 miles, so it says on the board. It felt like 5 as there was a very very high elevation gain. It was just up and up and up with man-made “stairs” along the way and many switchbacks. This is where Thien wanted to die, where she almost threw up.

But the end result was just a majestic beautiful little lake tucked up on the top of the mountain.

Throughout the whole hike, Pickles was a soldier, hiking on. He was in his element, always on the go. I actually did something I rarely do with him on hikes, I unleashed him and he was great. He would go ahead of me and sometimes would just wait for me to give him permission to continue on. It was cute. I love him.

The bonding continued with me and the kids. Me asking Cloud what kind of guys she likes, now white guys. Me asking the boys what they prefer, boobs or ass. Cute faces.

Kayla Ross – cute, which she is, and Minh is all over her.

I’ll start giving them shit whenever we see a girl on the hike. The Korean girls, especially the one with her man who just graduated UW. She’s cute, nice ass…and Sinh was being a creeper, trying to take pictures of her.

The fun and easily bribe-able Minh, jumping into the Lake for $10. I then kind of egged him on the second time ’cause he lost his bottle into the lake, littering. Not good. But he did a good thing. He rescued the bottle.

The hike down was easy and fast. Thien kept up with us for the most part, even though she kind of slid down the edge a bit. She survived.

During lunch, I asked her if it was a good hike, she hid her smile, smiling coyly and nodded her head, shrugging in affirmation. I think she’s just really proud that she did it and she is being modest.

I took the kids to lunch again after the hike and after that, we were done. We drove home on our separate ways.

Ahh..the vacation is winding down.

It was a busy busy vacation and it was a great vacation.

I’ll always remember it, hopefully in my mind and through the moments I captured digitally.

In a way, this has been kind of a tradition for me. My trips. My pilgrimage home.

These trips are what my life is about. These trips are what I work and work and work for. These little voyages and explorations around, seeing and experiencing, especially with the one I only love, my dog, Pickles.

That above was a horrible sentence, but I don’t care.

All in all, Epic Road Trip 2012 was, is a great success.

I just have to survive the long drive down tomorrow.

Next year, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I can tell you it is something that I definitely look forward too.

Bring it on.

My love is your love / Your love is mine…

It’s cloudy today. It’s a lot cooler today.

Today is a good day. The sun is out but not shining; blocked out by the thick layer of clouds that I grew up hating, but now deeply appreciate and miss.

I sit here today, writing my brain away.

I’m trying to figure out what to say, what to write, what to jot down and purge from my brain.

Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what should I do, and what can I do.

The Traveling ROTC was back in town and we met up for drinks.

What ultimately ended up happening was that we started to make out near her rental. I’m sure if I asked her, I could have taken her home. I’m sure.

Is this what I want?

What do I want?

Casual fling fling? Yes. If it is that, with her, bring it on. I just need something physical, we all do. If we are compatible that way, why not, right?

Relationship? Something deep and meaningful? Is she the one? I let her go and now she’s flying back? Is that what is happening?

I don’t know. I know in my heart of hearts, I don’t feel the same way about her as I did before; not like how it was in high school.

Things are different now. My heart is fleeting. My desires are fleeting.

It wants what it wants. It wants a relationship with Ms. D. It wants something with B5. But my heart doesn’t want anything with Traveling ROTC. It just doesn’t work that way.

For the life of me, I don’t know why.

Maybe it is her way to soft spoken-ness that I grew to hate. Maybe it just seems that she’s a bargain hunter, a lil’ tight on the cash, and I’m not like that at all.

I don’t know what it is, but there are some things that just don’t fly with me. I guess they are things that I can maybe deal with, but I don’t know; would I be happy with it?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear. I hope that I don’t lead her on into thinking this is something that it isn’t.

Who knows? Maybe my heart will revert back to what it was. Maybe something will happen and I’ll change and my heart will flutter its wings again.

Maybe.

I don’t know, but I need to play this out.

I’m not committing.

I guess we’ll see.

* * *

My first week of vacation is now officially over and the second week is starting.

Looking back at this past week and a few days of vacation, it has been very eventful. It has been days of exploring and seeing and experiencing new things.

There are times that I do feel that I would love to have someone next to me to experience things with, to slow me down, to help me take everything in, to just sit…in…the…moment…and just take everything in.

There were times when I was able to do that.

But there are times that I feel that I’m rushing because I have to worry about my schedule, my time, and sometimes I just have to worry about Pickles.

But for the most part, I am enjoying this road trip.

These trips are getting more and more packed with things to do, things to experience.

They are no more the times of just coming up here and not doing anything, sitting at home, alone, just waiting for Hien to get back, or just spending whatever time I can with Mom.

Ever since I started to drive up again, with Pickles, it gave me an out to go explore. To see more of the State that I grew up in but never got a chance to explore or see or experience.

It gave me a reason to fulfill my inner wanderlust heart, my child-at-heart soul lust of seeing and exploring and doing new and different things.

It gave me a reason to live and be active in my life, doing the things that I want to do.

Sure it can get expensive. Sure I’ve wasted money on things here and there that may or may not be worth it, but you know that’s life.

Isn’t this the reason why you make money for? Aren’t these the reasons why you save up money, so you can spend it on things that you like?

Sure I am still fiscally responsible, making sure that any bills and financial responsibilities are taken care of, but after that, any extra money that I have, I can spend on how I see fit.

Sure I’ll save when I can, but when I’m on vacation, I should be able to spend without a care. It’s my right. It is how it should be.

I’m 33 and I’m able to live my life how I see fit. I live my life in my own terms.

If I look back at it in 5 years’ time, 10 years’ time, 20 years’ time and I have any regrets; that is my fault. I have control over my life and I should do something about it.

I live my life to my terms to the fullest and I’m happy with it.

These past couple of road trips, and traveling trips. NO REGRETS.

This is what life is. This is what life should be about.

My happiness.

* * *

Bonding.

Question asking.

Had dinner last night with my brother and deciding not to have any of our typical dinners which we sit there and just eat and not talk much at all, I thought I’d try to ask questions and see where they go.

Ultimately, the end goal for me is to find out if he’s dating anyone.

The funny thing about him is that I find that he’s a lot like me. He’s very private, but he’s very honest. He’ll start talking and divulging things as long as you ask him.

I’m the same way. You have to ask me stuff if you want to find anything out about me. I guess I’m private that way.

I guess that’s why a lot of people at work sees me in a different way and never get the full picture of who I am.

But overall, dinner was a success. The food was excellent.

Lamb Shank. Nommers.

And I got to get to know my brother a little better. He loves mojitos because of the minty freshness.

He goes out to lunch with his coworkers from time to time. He’ll go to happy hour with them from time to time.

So, in a way, it’s not a lost cause that he’s just so holed up in his own little cave. He does go out. He does socialize.

He just needs to practice more, talk more, instead of being the shy timid guy that I see him as.

Asking these preliminary questions, getting him to open up, and I’m damn fucking sure the mojito helped a lot also.

Ultimate I asked and I got an answer and it isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is that people are trying to set him up and I think he should do it.

If he doesn’t want to find someone, fine. But go out, do it, enjoy it. It’ll be like practice for when he’s ready.

It’ll be something different, something challenging, forcing him to make mistakes and learn and grow as a person.

I didn’t get to be who I am without many many many failures.

I put myself in these social challenges, in these situations outside of my comfort zone and eventually I got here.

I think that is what he needs to do.

He’s not a bad guy. He’s smart. He can be funny and witty. He loves movies and is an avid reader. He just needs a little more confidence. He just needs a little more practice socializing.

He just needs to loosen up.

Alcohol!

That is key.

The libation that loosens the tongue. Libation to lower inhibitions.

But there’s hope.

Eventually, hopefully, he’ll come out of his shell, shed his wallflower ways and just be.

He needs to for damn sure stop mumbling something softly ’cause that is annoying the fuck out of me.

Pet peeve. Soft speakers.

Speak up!

Ultimately, it was a good dinner. It is a step in the right direction. It is a step where I want our relationship to be. For me to ask him anything and he’ll tell me and it works the other way. He can ask me anything; whether it is about my life, ask me for advice, ask me about anything and I will tell him and let him know.

I have no secrets.

People who know me know that.

You ask. I will tell.

I’m that simple.

It’s that time again where I’m writing from not home, but my self-proclaimed home away from home. I am here in the PNW, the place where I lay my proverbial hat to rest for the next two weeks. I am back, I am back.

Overall, so far, the trip has been well. I didn’t take the beautiful route back, but the more standard fair, but I did break it up a little.

I started at Fresno, then ended up in San Francisco and the Bay Area and now I am back home doing what I do best, sitting, hiking, eating.

Of course Pickles is with me too. That was one reason why I wanted to stop by San Francisco, besides visiting Big Auntie and her family, because I wanted to go exploring San Fran with Pickles. We ended up doing the same “trip” that I did with Hien a few years back, just walking along the piers.

Overall, I had a good time there and I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but this time, being able to explore more.

The drive north was uneventful as always, just your typical I5 driving.

But overall, I got two weeks and the first week for the most part has been all planned out.

101 down to Cannon Beach tomorrow and then Multanomah Falls in Portland and then on Wednesday will be Portland exploration day. Keep Portland Weird! I plan on it.

* * *

It’s been a long time since I have written anything in this dear ol’ friend of mine. A very long time; about two months. I think it is about time that I do it again.

It has just been a little busy since I’ve been able to get any blogging done. It’s just been a very long time since I was able to get any of my thoughts out.

It’s not like that there were anything spectacular that needed to be purge, but there were just things that I would like to jot down and out of my head. Just little things.

My travelings for work is done. Portland was the last office and that is finished. That was an over the weekend trip, so I wasn’t able to do any blogging.

Then there was the short story I had to write for the Ghofran and I finally finished that last week. Overall, I am pretty happy with what I came up with. I think it is good for someone who doesn’t write much prose.

I got some new prompts that I need to focus on. Will I be writing them over this trip? I don’t know, but they are there for me to do if I ever get bored.

Then there was the crazy weekend.

* * *

48 Hour Film Project.

Crazy weekend.

I’m glad that Scott suggested on doing this. I really am because I think that was the creative kick in the ass to get things going again. I think it was definitely needed to get me going through the creative laziness that I was going through. That funk wasn’t going away and having that project with such a short deadline definitely pushed me to create something that I can say that I definitely proud of.

It is definitely the best thing that Scott and I had done. Sure there are faults, but it’s the best thing that we’ve done.

Shouldn’t that be the thing, that each subsequent project that you do is better than the last? We learn something from each one that we do and I know what I need to do. I always known what I needed to do and that is to work with the actors more. To have a clearer vision in my head of what I wanted, especially from the actors.

Overall it was a fun, tiring, and sleepless adventure.

I didn’t write the script, but helped Scott streamline it, poking holes into it. He got sole writing credit, as he should. While he’s writing, as we finished discussing the structure of the script, from story and plot, I was contacting our principals with their roles and what I wanted from them. I contacted our makeup artists and our composer giving them specifics of what is to be expected on the script and what we wanted in terms of the score. It was a very very good process.

We finished writing the script Friday night at about 10:30 and sent it off to everyone. I didn’t get home from Scott’s until close to midnight and stayed up till 1AM dissecting the script, writing notes, and getting a clear idea of what I wanted from each shot and how it should be set up.

By 5 in the morning, I was up, from nerves, to anxiety, to just I couldn’t sleep. I finished the opening slate and got ready to go. I needed to go. I got to Scott’s about 7:30 and I got a text from the main actor. Overall, we had to drop him because he was in the emergency room and we can’t count on him. We thanked him in the end credits, but you know, fuck it.

The day of the shoot went fast. I was constantly moving, thinking, doing the shots. I had to cram a lot of stuff in on our short day. I was able to shoot with available light for the most part, which is great, but there was one scene that stumped me. I couldn’t figure out how to clock it and it shows in the final product. I’m sure if I had more time, it would have been shot differently and maybe a lot better, but I have to deal work with what I had.

The shoot wrapped about 5:30 and after cleaning up, we were on our way and got back to my place at about 6:30. As I was transferring footage to my computer and working on syncing the footage together with the audio, Scott finished up some paperwork and went and got me something to eat. I worked till 2:30 in the morning just syncing up audio. I couldn’t figure out an easier way to put the footage together but by making new sequences per shot. It was a slow slow arduous process, but it worked. I only had a 20 minute nap during that time at around 11pm. From 2:30 till about 6AM I was cutting a rough rough cut.

There was no color correction or sound mixing done. Just here is the footage of how the short is going to look like. I uploaded the file to YouTube for the composer to check out so he can start composing. At 6:30 I went to sleep and woke up at about 8AM, showering and taking Pickles for a walk.

When I was done, let the final edits and post begin. Working on color correction, sound correction, final edits, getting the music and editing it back in. Final final cut was done at 5PM and we started rendering. By 5:30, we were ready to go.

As I was moving the large 9gb file over to the usb drives, it was moving really slow, so I moved it to my external and moved it to Scott’s laptop and we were on our way. I had to reformat the drives for windows and the first one went well. The 2nd one, not so much. It was still formatted in OSX, so I had to find a Best Buy to pick one up.

All in all, we finished moving the movie over at 7pm and it was due at 7:30pm. We made it and turned it in at 7:10. We finished on time.

I was running on practically zero sleep, but it felt good. We were just sitting there, discussing everything, and having our drinks. It was good. It felt good.

So, that was last weekend and it was a crazy weekend that I’ll always remember.

That night, Sunday night, I stayed up late trying to render out a smaller file to upload to YouTube and my Google drive so our crew can take a look at it and download it for their reel.

The screening is this Thursday night, August 15th and I won’t be there.

Looking over the film, I see where the faults were. Where it can definitely be better, where I should edit and shot it a different way, but again, for the time constraint that we had, it turned out to be something that I am definitely proud of.

The look of it was how I imagined all my other shorts should turn out, but ended up being disappointed because of the Panasonic dvx100a’s lens capability. Now, there’s no excuse.

Shooting with the D800, and different glass, I can’t bitch about how the film was shot. I had the creative control there.

Will I do it again? I don’t know, but I definitely want to shoot more shorts. Maybe the musical next. Who knows? But it is definitely the creative push that I needed.

* * *

DineLA.

That is going to kill my bank account, but overall it was worth it.

During this time I was able to get some dinners in and a few lunches. One of them was with Ms. D and another was with B5.

I had a great time with both.

I’m torn between the two, but I do know it is just a matter of wishful thinking that they’ll reciprocate. B5 is so young that she shouldn’t be worming her way into my heart and I can easily let her go.

Ms. D. is an enigma, a tough shell that I need to learn how to crack. I also had a great time with her during the happy hour, talking about her trip.

Sigh.

Heart troubles and heart problems.

But it’ll pass and ultimately I’ll figure things out.

Here’s to hoping.

* * *

Oh, the Traveling ROTC, the Traveling ROTC. That’ll have to wait. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Till another day. Till another time.

There is was, my beloved, far off in the distance, fading away as I walked my way to the terminal. My eyes glisten over as I said goodbye again. Chicago. My beloved. Oh how I love thee.

There’s just something about that city that just gets my blood pumping every time that I am there. Every time I visit, I just felt like I belong. It is my city. It is an epitome of me. My life is Chicago.

The business trip to Dallas and Chicago was a very very long week. Days of Dallas felt like it was weeks and even months ago, but in reality it was just only days. Long hard days indeed.

But they were good days. They were great days as we got whatever work that we needed done done. We did it.

It was a good work week that took away whatever stress I was having in the office and got my mind on something else, something more present, the problem of upgrading everyone in these regional offices.

* * *

Dallas was the city of clean and proper. It was the city of heat and humidity. The mugginess killed me as I stepped out of the airport, hitting me with the icky ugh from the opening sliding doors.

But overall, I had a good time in the office. It definitely was the easiest office for all my travels so far. I got everything done in the first day for the most part, leaving only one user to set up on the second day. It was an easy office.

I got to meet some wonderful people…the Castillo who’ve I’ve been chatting with on the regular and then there’s the Chuck Waggoner. Cute and beautiful.

But with the people in Dallas, I never got the familiarity or that sense of instant deep lifelong bonding as I did with the girls in Chicago. There, I felt welcomed as part of their lives. There, I felt like I belonged.

Oh Chicago, my beloved, how I would love to move there, to set my roots there until another mid-life creeps up and I have another need for change.

* * *

Love.

My Beloved.

Chicago.

It started out with a lovely night out on my own after dinner. A nice brisk walk at night to the Pier, catching the fireworks show.

I was ready to go, to get things started bright and early in the morning.

Stressed was all I can say about my first day in Chicago. Stressed as I felt the day slip away from me as I still have 14 computers left to do and the day is already half over. It was about lunch time and I haven’t even imaged my first computer as I’m stressing to set up three people who already have their computers ready for them.

Stressed.

But we managed to power through. Dan got his shit and his network issues cleared up and I buckled down and tackled the imaging. It was a long day as I get out at 11:30 that night, but we got most everything done.

I finished about 20 minutes before it was time for Chicago’s 3pm happy hour. Just in time. I still have some etracking and minor issues to take care of, but things are done. That’s all I can say.

The work is done.

* * *

What to do, what to do?

So cute and adorable, pretty and funny with her sass and sass. What am I going to do?

Then there is Skittles who I can’t help check out while she’s on the go.

What is it about the ladies of Chicago that makes me not want to leave?

Walking the streets, I just never saw so many beautiful women walking the streets before. Unfortunately it is just because no one walks in Los Angeles/Santa Monica. They just aren’t walking cities. But Chicago, what can I say.

In a way it is where my heart yearns to be. Whether it is a genuine desire to move there or if it is just my heart playing tricks on me because it is something new and exciting, I don’t know, but in a way I do feel that if I am there, my life will definitely change in a way. Whether it is in the same trajectory that is happening now, I don’t know. It could come back and bite me in the ass.

There was a sense of distance from Skittles. Dan picked it up and I sensed something also. She’s wasn’t as chatty as she used to be, but a lot has happened since the last time we’ve seen each other. She wasn’t married then. Now, things are different.

Maybe she’s just distracted by the neck pain that she’s experiencing.

What am I going to do?

The adorableness is infectious, getting into my heart, worming its way. She’s just genuinely a great girl and I hope nothing but the best for her.

My playfulness just naturally comes out when I’m with the Submariner. There’s just something about her that makes me crazy. Blah.

I’m just in trouble as I really don’t know what I want. Besides, she’s off limits, done and done.

* * *

Might do another trip out there later in the year. Hien wants to go, so another weekend. I don’t care what we do ’cause just being there is enough for me.

So here’s to more fun and fun for me.

Fun and fun in my favorite city.

* * *

I need to stop drinking recklessly and start drinking smartly.

Nuff said.