As I sit here in the lobby with the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh rumbling with zipping mopeds, motorcycles, and motorbikes, I ponder if traveling with family or even with other people is even worth it.

All I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of the wasted time, I’m tired of the hemming and hawing and the complaining.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe as I have gotten older, I have no tolerance for these things at all.

I know these are things that I’m currently trying to work on in myself, this being accommodating and just letting things be thing, but I don’t know.

I just don’t like to spend the time trying to bargain for a better price when it is already a cheap price. I understand the idea of getting the best deal for your dollar, but still, there is a limit.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe it is just me and I should allow it.

I should just shut my trap and just be happy that I’m on a trip, exploring new parts of the world that I haven’t been to and seeing and experiencing new things. Maybe I should just let things go.

Let it Go as the song says.

Just let it go.

* * *

Stern faces focused and sometimes unfocused on the cluttered road in front of them, the crisscrossing of traffic. I wonder how they do it.

I look at them and at times is amazed at how hectic life is here and the heat…oh man, the heat.

It’s just ridiculous. Blasting upper 90s with high/100% humidity. It’s not a fun place to live.

Dirty air. Dirty streets. Cluttered busy and often loud, Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon is definitely an interesting city.

As we traveled from the states of comparable city/country, Singapore, coming to Saigon and Ha Noi and even Ha Long bay, a poor and somewhat slowly developing country, it was an adjustment.

I’ve been to poor countries before in China, they are pretty bad, but Vietnam falls into a different place. It’s hard to place.

In a way it functions like any nation, country, city of First World status should function.

They have an economy. Their citizens work, and find ways to make money. They have infrastructure, but in a way, there just seems to be no control.

It’s madness.

The rules in this ruleless nature is so miniscule and small, it seems like no one is following it – in terms of driving anyway. As long as you don’t get hit, or hit anyone, everything is fair game.

Follow the small and little street signs and signals that are scattered around the city, but the rest is up to you.

The rest is up to you.

An interesting city indeed.

* * *

I wonder how different this trip would be different if I had gone on it by myself.

I believe Singapore would have been the same, or roughly the same. Since it was kind of planned like I would have planned it. Pick some general attractions that I would want to check out and go.

Vietnam however was out of my hands. I left it up to my mom, I gave up control over that portion because it was her hood, and I thought I could trust her to do it.

I don’t know, the Vietnam portion just doesn’t feel it has gone the way that I hoped.

Maybe it is because I got sick. I think it is that. I’m very irritable when I’m sick and I’m just letting these little things get to me.

That’s an excuse, yes I know, but it is true.

I’m sick.

We still have a few precious hours here tonight and I want to keep it simple. Just go out to dinner tonight with Vi and the family and then call it a night and be up and early tomorrow to check out and finish our trip in Hong Kong.

Control. I have lost it. I have relinquished it and maybe that is why I’m irritable.

Maybe.

* * *

Fearless.

There are some things to learn from the Vietnamese here.

Fearless.

Just be fearless. Just go through and work your way and find you way, slip through the cracks, make your own road, go against the grain.

Just go.

You stop. You crash.

Just go.

Zip. Zoom.

Just go.

* * *

Scattered thoughts.

Maybe I just needed some alone time, away from people, away from family, my brother. I just need to be on my own, and decompress.

It’s been a long time since I had some alone time. I need to recharge.

How can one go about recharging in such a busy and dense city?

I look around and all I see are two-wheelers just zipping by. Many are solo riders, but I’ve seen two stacked, three, four, and even five stacked. Families riding together, a little boy, his younger sister, and baby brother in his mother’s arms riding in the back.

I look at them and wonder, is life hard?

It seems hard.

I’m privileged.

I have it easy.

I would say that I don’t have many struggles or genuine complaints about my life, about this world.

I should look at them and just be relieved and be grateful with what I have.

I should be grateful that I’m on vacation with my family, visiting the country that I was born in but have no recollection of.

I should be grateful that I have a job that can fund this life that I chose to live.

I should be grateful that I have a small handful of friends that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I have family that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I am alive and breathing and am still capable of wandering this only world of ours.

Lesson today, be grateful.

Relax.

Let it go.

Let it go.

* * *

Endings.

Endings leads to new beginnings; a clean slate, just slightly tainted.

Endings.

The constant nagging that I had won over and I just had to do it. Milpitas is over.

In a way, looking back, I guess it has been over for a while. I was just trying to hold out a little longer just hoping that somehow that I might change my mind, that I might be able to throw away whatever excuse I was giving myself as to why it wasn’t working and come to realize that hey, this isn’t bad.

But I was wrong.

It didn’t wrong.

My gut was right again. It just didn’t work out.

I wasn’t in it.

My interest just faded away like the early mists of the morning, burned into little wisps of vapor. Vanish.

Gone.

Was I ever in it?

Maybe it was the restriction. Maybe it was just the being in the relationship with our labels that put the final nail in the coffin.

I wasn’t able to really feel things out. I wasn’t really there.

Unfortunately, I took her by surprise.

Shocked as to what was happening; not understanding my reasons.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

I was the one at fault.

I didn’t see it going anywhere.

My heart wasn’t in it when it should.

That was the problem.

I just lost interest.

Resulting in me hurting her.

That’s the last thing that I wanted to do to anyone, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship.

It ending.

* * *

Time.

It continues to go, ticking on.

Nothing can stop it. Not death, nor the end of the world.

As we get older, time become more valuable because we just have less time left.

With such a diminishing and valuable commodity, why waste it? Why?

It’s not just that you are wasting yours, you have to be conscious that you are wasting others also.

That is also equally if not more important.

Hopefully in the end of everything, after some valuable time has passed, you will understand. I hope that we will understand that it was the best thing.

Hopefully.

* * *

Leaving…leaving on a jet plane.

Maybe it was better this way instead of waiting another two weeks to decide and mull things over on something that I was pretty sure to begin with.

Maybe this was better for her; the time away to think things over and to accept things.

Maybe it was just better.

Maybe.

I’ll be away on my adventures and I will not be stressing over a decision that I have already made and she’ll not have to ponder and wonder if I miss her.

Maybe it was best.

Maybe.

Time.

It can do wonders, if we all use it well.

Time.

It can kill us, if we don’t know how to use it.

Time.

It’s a bitch.

Time.

And we’re a bitch to it.

* * *

It’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe I just can’t be in a relationship.

I’m not equipped to be in one. I don’t know how to be in one.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I just kept feeling that there should have been something more. It was off.

I shouldn’t be having these feelings.

There has to be something more, right?

That’s not normal.

But then again, I don’t know what normal is.

I never been in a relationship long enough to know how one should really feel.

Everyone I have been in, I needed to leave because it just didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like I wanted to be in there.

Maybe it is me.

I’m damaged.

These goods are broken from the start.

It’s really not worth investing in. No money. No time.

Broken.

Damaged goods.

* * *

I feel heavy.

My heart, drowning in weight.

It hangs with what I have done.

When will it be lifted? When will this weight be gone?

I don’t know.

It’s never easy.

I can never come out of this unscathed.

Everyone gets hurt, even if it is me doing it.

It’s never easy.

* * *

In the end, I just hope she understands.

In the end, she didn’t do anything wrong.

In the end, it was me.

Transition.

Life is about transitioning from one time to another. Each minute is a transition. Each day, month, year. Little moments transitioning into the next.

It is that time again. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year. Another number.

35

I’m 35.

I’m in the thick of it; the thick of my 30s and I’m still in this pseudo part of my life where I just can’t focus or put things together. I’m still in my MLC (mid-life crisis).

Or should I just knock this down to my 1/3-Life-Crisis? Either way, I’m still in it.

I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s been a slow process and I don’t see an end in sight.

35.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Did I get wiser? Was this past number a growing number?

Looking back, in a way, I still don’t know. I don’t know what it was.

* * *

Did I become a better person, a growing person in the past number?

Many would say that I have, and many would say no, and others, just don’t know.

I seriously don’t know.

* * *

Another day, another time, but the same ol’.

Another year, another number.

35.

Growth.

It’s a subjective matter, defined in many ways.

For me, as long as I make some movement in the right direction, in getting a better grasp of who I am, of being a better person, which is the right direction for me.

Have I accomplished that in the past year? The year of being 34?

The jury is still out.

I would like to think that I have grown up a little bit more, have a better understanding of my self-worth and what I can or cannot do.

I would like to believe that and in a way I do.

Even though I am in the middle of this crisis, I made a grown up decision to seek out professional help to assist me in talking through these thoughts and troubles that I have.

I never really understood how much of a control issue that I have. It seems to me that I am a control freak. I never thought that I would, but it is true.

Control. I hate it when I don’t have control over situation.

It’s funny in way because on the bigger scale of things, I’m fine with not having control over and I usually don’t sweat it. But there are some moments when it just drives me crazy, like when Hien tweaked his knee at Glacier national Park. It irked me that he was going so slow…beyond my control.

The little things that you learn about yourself that you never think about until you talk about it.

* * *

Life in the year of 34 was really no different than any other year in my thirties.

I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. On my terms and on my rules.

I go out whenever I want. I traveled whenever and where I wanted. I saw and hung out with whoever I wanted.

I even took a few risks that I never thought I would have done.

So yes, it was a growing year. It was a progressive year in getting myself better and getting to the finer me.

It just took baby steps.

* * *

It was also a year of questionable decisions.

I’ve made a lot of choices this past number that many didn’t understand, but I didn’t care.

My hair. I made the decision to grow it out and eventually to donate it early on during the number. It finally came to an end yesterday, as I shaved it off.

But during that time, I wore my hair however I wanted. Down or up. Tied back in pig tails or pony tails or just any which way I can get my hair out of my face.

Sure it looked ridiculous and many people questioned my motives and wanted me to just cut it, but I held strong.

I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. I stuck with it, as a challenge to myself to see if I can do it.

I can, and in the end, it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought.

I grew out my hair. I did it.

I didn’t give up.

I’m sure that had a lot to do with it also. It was a test, something to focus on, to accomplish, and to see if I can because it felt with this mid-life-crisis that I wasn’t fully committing to finishing anything.

But, in the end, I was able to. I stopped a few months shorter than I expected, but it came close to my goal and it worked.

I had enough hair to donate. I did well.

* * *

Change.

34.

Each year comes with its own little quirks and its own little changes and corrections.

And last year was no different.

With the new number came the need to dress differently and I did manage that. I didn’t wear any of my t-shirts last year, but have adopted a hoodie instead or just an undershirt.

There will be times when I dressed more adult, with my button ups and my tighter pants, a hipster as some would put it.

But I didn’t care. It was a change. It was a new me, a different me, a more grown up me.

I’m not totally there yet, but baby steps.

* * *

Socializing is becoming easier and easier.

Lunches and dinners.

Hanging out and eventually trying something else, as in dating and trying to put myself out there.

It’s not perfect nor did it work, but I tried. I made a small effort.

Much of it was at the urging of my shrink, but yes, I did make an effort.

I went out on a few dates, dates that I would never thought I would ever go out on.

It was different, but not really. It gets easier, but it still wasn’t the best.

I just think that online dating just isn’t my thing.

I work better with friends, acquaintances I know and have gotten to know and would like to get better.

That’s how things evolve for me and in a way, that’s how I ended up with Milpitas.

Baby steps.

Slow and stead of just trying to find what is right.

Slow and steady.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

* * *

Growth.

It’s a gradual thing.

As I get older, the slow is slow and gradual and not the extreme up tick that it once was.

Slowly and slow I get a better grasp of who I am, of what I want. Slow and slow.

Slow.

Hopefully maybe, eventually I’ll actually know what I want out of things, of life, of people, of situations, of my future.

Right now, I’m just riding the roller coaster of time, taking whatever comes my way and just picking up whatever I can about myself along the way.

It’s slow and arduous.

It’s random, with a steadiness.

It just is.

Baby steps.

Slow.

* * *

Life is getting easier.

As my problems get smaller and smaller, there are still some big issues that I need to consider.

34 has been a year of contemplation and figuring out those big problems.

Mid-Life-Crisis.

MLC.

Change.

The urge is not pressing down on me where I feel lost anymore.

Maybe my shrink is right and I’m being distracted by the bigger picture.

There was no clear solution to the problem that I have.

The only thing we did was just talk.

No solution.

Maybe I’m just slowly internalizing everything and thinking things over and over so I can come up with a solution on my own.

Will I be successful and see an end to this crisis?

Will 35 be my year of resolution?

I don’t know.

I can only hope.

Hope.

* * *

34.

Focus.

It’s still not there.

It’s still not perfect.

It’s my quiet thoughts in a large and crowded room where I’m screaming to hear myself think.

But it is progress.

I did put myself in situations where I normally wouldn’t be in.

Going out to the cool hip bars, with people I generally wouldn’t hang out with.

But yes, all in all, this lack of focus is still a problem as one can tell from this entry.

It hasn’t gone so well in collecting my thoughts.

It’s all over the place like my mind, like my thoughts, like this crisis.

I just need to find the right balance of forward thinking and backward introspection.

A balance of life.

I just need to find the balance of now.

Now.

34.

Now.

35.

* * *

Change.

It is happening.

Growth.

It is happening.

34.

It’s about the baby steps.

Small growth.

A little bit at a time.

Just small adjustments and corrections.

That’s what I can say about my 34th year.

It was a year of small corrections and adjustments.

It was a year of baby steps.

It was a year of transition.

Will this transition finally end this year?

Only time will tell.

So, here I am, bidding adieu and saying goodbye to 34.

Thank you for the small adjustments. Thank you for the little changes, the baby steps.

Thank you for the memories and the growing joys and pains.

Goodbye 34.

Welcome 35.

I hope that it brings on more changes and challenges.

Here’s to growth and the right direction.

35…bring it.

It’s been almost a month since my last entry.

It’s been almost a year since my last another year older, another year wiser diatribes.

It’s less than a week before I turn another number.

35.

Mid-thirties. I’ll be in the thick of it soon. Just about a week. Just counting down the days.

Have I learned anything? Have I gotten wiser?

I don’t know. I think I need to go back and see what transpired in this past number and see if it was a growing year.

For the most part, I’ve made a lot of progress. But I don’t know. These thoughts will come at another time, another day….in about a week.

* * *

What to write, what to say?

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My love, my life….the city of love at first sight.

The work trip was stressful, very stressful and frustrating at times, but in the end, we got things done. We got what we needed to do finished.

But, it was another mesmerizing experience in that city. There’s just something about that city. There’s just something magical that makes me fall head over heels in love with it every damn time I go there.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely a city for me.

The walking. The transportation. The people, and oh my fucking lord, the sights, the architecture, and the food.

Love. Love. Love.

If Chicago was a girl, I would have wooed and married her right then and there.

As I recounted what went down on the trip and my frustrations to my shrink and then discussed the magic that is the city and told her that I want to move there; she said, “Why not?”

Why not, indeed.

There’s just a lot of things to consider. There’s just quite a bit of things to think about when it comes to a move like this.

Family. Cold. Relocation. Job. Friends.

Just a lot.

But, it is seriously in the back of my mind. Even if I move there for a few years and then move back here. I don’t know, but yes, definitely. It is definitely something that I need to seriously think about.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

Something to seriously consider.

* * *

Change.

Midlife.

Is it still there?

Am I more confused than ever?

I know there are some remnants of what I want to do, but is that unfocused energy, that deathly urge to change, is that still there?

I don’t know.

It is definitely not as strong as it was, but I think ultimately, it is still there.

Maybe this is another conversation to table for another day?

Maybe.

I don’t know. But it seems like some of the pressure I was putting on myself was relieved, but there are still some things that are floating that is gently nudging me in its own way.

Basically, I’m just a confused mess.

Still confused as ever.

* * *

Starting again, starting new.

Cold. Cold cold shivers run through my body as the slight cool breeze of the AC blows ever so gently out the ceiling vent.

The cool air drops heavy in its mass and mixes in with the warm air that my body latches on to for dear life. Cold cold shivers run through my body.

Cold.

Another one on this last day of rest. Another shivering of body feeling ugh as I try to get better from the battle that I lost last week.

It seems that getting older is wreaking havoc on my immune system. No longer strong enough, or young enough to battle the young and tireless germs that are floating around in the unsanitary air.

These tried and true veterans are slowly losing this new battle. Our numbers are dwindling and the fight looks dire.

It could be worse, much worse, but I just need to rest up a little bit more and let them fight their final fight. Maybe they’ll come out of it as victors, restoring my health to what it once was.

Oh, to be young again. Oh, to be young.

* * *

Cold cold cold.

The old man in me thinks things over. It rolls all thoughts around and around, hoping that it can come up with something reasonable. It hope that something makes sense, but everything is just off. Just a little bit.

Things are just off.

Off.

Turning off my brain, turning off my head. Just are things going to work? How are things supposed to just be compatible when my thoughts are with someone else, lusting over them, thinking about them?

How?

How are things supposed to be?

* * *

Do I ever get lonely?

No.

Why do you want to be with someone if you think of it as a ball and chain and that you need so much alone time?

The battle of my two sides. I can’t reconcile them. I need to find a happy balance and I can’t see it.

* * *

It was actually a taxing day at the shrink today. It’s like she doesn’t understand what it’s like being an introvert and why small talk is so tough and so taxing.

Maybe I am just extremely sensitive to it and my aversion to it is just so bad, that I really can’t do it. It’s tough.

With these meetings and groups, I need to go in with a positive attitude.

I’m letting my fear of it get to me.

I see her point and yes, she is right.

She is right, but I still don’t get it.

Small talk.

I hate it.

It just doesn’t work for me.

Fuck.

I need to change. I need to make this happen.

I just need to figure out what I want.

* * *

What else is going on in my head?

What other judgments am I passing or thinking about when I’m trying to get to know these people?

What else is happening?

There has to be something, right?

Why is it easier for me to talk to a three year old than it is for me to talk to an adult?

Am I letting my insecurities get the best of me? What are my insecurities when I’m talking with people?

Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m socializing and that I worry that I’m boring or that they don’t find me interesting?

Is that it?

I need to change the way I think. I need to change the pressure I put on myself in these type of situations.

I need to change the way I see these things.

A different mindset.

Instead of going there to meet new people, I need to find a different purpose.

To have fun.

I need to go and have fun.

Change the mindset, change the outcome.

Change.

* * *

Troubling.

It just seems very troubling for me that I don’t know what it is that I want.

I have always been of two sides.

I have always been of two minds.

How to find the reconciliation?

How?

* * *

Take drastic action.

Make drastic changes.

Force.

My midlife continues.

* * *

Ice breakers.

Questions.

Prompts for small talk.

I need to get better.

* * *

Perhaps.

Just perhaps, this isn’t it.

Perhaps, this is just what it was, a friends with benefits thing. Perhaps this just two lonely people getting together to try things out.

Maybe my feelings for you isn’t as strong as I thought it was and that yours for me is a lot stronger than I thought.

Maybe.

Just perhaps, that it isn’t meant to be.

Just perhaps.

* * *

Friends.

Is it more or am I just incapable of not feeling anymore?

Am I just self-sabotaging myself to be able to be in something? I don’t think I want to believe that I am.

Maybe I am just incapable or maybe it is just that I don’t feel anything special.

I don’t know.

Are the lack of similar interests that important to me? Our different taste in movies and that I love to read and she doesn’t, are these reasons getting in the way of it becoming something more, something stronger?

Or is it just that I’m difficult and I just don’t know what I want.

From an outside perspective, it seems like things aren’t going to work in the long run.

Am I sticking it out in hopes that things would get better or it may be out of convenience?

It’s not like things aren’t bad.

Things are good. I like her and I do enjoy my company.

But there are times when I feel that I need my space and I need some alone time.

I’m going to hurt her.

I really don’t know what to do.

* * *

Decisions.

I have some decisions to make and a lot of thing to think over.

Relationships.

Maybe I’m just not meant for them. Maybe I am just not equipped to be in one.

I am a living contradiction, a man that is of two minds and two hearts, pulled in separate ways — never being able to be one.

A lot to mull over.

* * *

Guilty.

Going on a date and she doesn’t know. I felt guilty.

* * *

What to do?

Talk it out. Talk it out with a third party that knows us.

Talk it out.

* * *

Time.

Time will tell what will happen.

She’s not the only one on my mind as my heart still hasn’t moved on yet.

Ms. D is still there, lingering.

I’m just waiting on something that will never happen.

I’m waiting because it is safe.

Tripping all week.

I’ve been tripping with the family all week. It was a long long week that came and went in a blink of an eye.

I’m tired. So so tired. I don’t think I’ve been so tired before. It was definitely taxing.

I had very very little time to recharge. I had very little time to myself, whenever I can, I steal some. Whatever little time I can.

Overall, it was a good trip though. I had a good time with my mom, and my two aunties, one whom I only spent a few hours with before. But it was a very tiring trip.

It started late Saturday night as I picked them up from the airport at 12:30 AM. Things were fine, as things usually are at that time of the night.

The only problem was that I had a very very busy day with the cleaning and putting up the bike rack and the errands and shoe racks. I barely got any time to relax and watched House of Cards. Then Macaron came over and the rest of the night was moot, even though it was late-ish already.

Tired. Barely any sleep as I couldn’t sleep on the futon that night for some reason.

The next day was our trip out to the 626. For the most part it was fine, it was actually good.

It was a light relaxed day as we went to grab some lunch and did some light shopping before we headed over to their friends house. They just moved in and it was a Viet woman who babysits a ton of kids for $20/day. That’s not a bad price. Very cheap in my opinion, but she was nice and she speaks Canto.

I sat there for a while, just listening to them talk as more and more friends came over to catch up.

For the most part, they haven’t seen each other in over 34 years. There was a lot to talk about and to talk.

I went home, because mom said that I could.

The biggest impression I got was the rowdy kids, all laughing at me, because I had my hair up in my top knot and rat tail. It worked, but later in the night, as I went over to get dinner with them, the kids became more social with me. A little rowdy and kept calling me “Old Man” or “Fuck you, Old Man”. It was kind of funny and cute.

That night was easy. That day was easy.

The rest of the week was a blur. It was just a mess of long hours in the car, me getting tired and not being able to sleep at night. It was fantastic.

Monday should have been an easy easy day, and for the most part it was. We spent most of it in the car, driving up the 5 to SF. It took us about 6 hours or so to get to Chinatown, getting on the new Bay Bridge. It was actually kind of awesome.

We parked and we were on our way down the streets and hills of Chinatown. We crisscrossed the streets back and forth, looking at the vegetables and other novelty items in storefront. About an hour later, they were done.

ALL OF THEM WERE DONE.

So, it being around 4 and mom doesn’t want to go to Big Auntie’s left because she was going to get home late and didn’t want to inconvenience them in having them take us out to dinner, we had to find something else to do.

The Golden Gate Bridge.

We were on our way.

We went to the park, which I had never been, so I was actually kind of excited. We parked the car and did a small hike around. We saw, we took pictures, we explored for a little bit and then we were done.

DONE. All before 5pm.

So, we were going back to Fremont/Union City. Being the brilliant navigator that I am and google maps, instead of going through the city and back to the Bay Bridge, we went to 101 North, across the Golden Gate Bridge and went in a big ass circle. It took almost forever.

Long long long day of bad decisions.

Oh, don’t get me started on having the issues I had all prior to the trip even starting.

1. Getting the bike rack up was a shit show. The drill I borrowed sucked. No power. I broke my shoe rack (which was kind of fortunate ’cause the new shoe racks at Target were much bigger), I drilled multiple holes in my wall, I had to go, last minute to OSH to pick up a stud finder, and on Saturday morning, I had to drive to The Lion’s to pick up a more powerful drill.
2. I had already booked our hotel at the Cosmopolitan for Monday, ’cause the plan was originally to go to Vegas first, then the bay. Mom changed it on me last minute, as I picked her up from the airport, she told me. I was peeved. Very peeved. Because it was so close to the check-in date, I couldn’t cancel the reservation without having to pay for the full day, so I had to call expedia to make just changes and changed the check-in date to Wednesday. Ended up having to spend an extra $200. Fun times

So, we got to auntie’s house, put down our bags and rested about 10 minutes before we were out the door again and in the car to go to dinner. Getting to dinner was another fiasco in itself.

Auntie convince uncle to sit in my car and help me navigate as auntie drove their Pilot. Uncle for some reason got scared and didn’t trust that auntie would get there, so while we were stopped in an intersection, uncle released his seat belt and was about to jump out of the car to switch positions with auntie. When I put a kibosh to that, he ended up calling her to get her directions. It was just a weird and frustrating night.

Dinner in itself went fine. Met up with Cynthia and we just chatted and caught up.

The rest of the trip was fine for the most part.

Getting out of Fremont wasn’t without its headaches, but in the end, we got out and were on our merry way to Sacramento.

The drive was fine and that day was fine.

I got there and managed to take a short nap and then I met first cousins on my mom’s side that I never met before. It was interesting to say the least.

The next day was the long long long drive to Vegas. It happened without any problems. We checked in and rested about an hour or so before we went out to explore the Strip.

I haven’t been there in about 10 years and it was definitely changed. Grant it that I don’t remember much of Vegas from way back when, but it was definitely different, but not really.

As we trekked the strip, mom and the aunties tried to catch up to my fast walking and eventually they got wiped out as Big Auntie’s feet hurt. We went to get dinner and then we went to the room.

I left to sit in a bar for about an hour just to get away and spend some time alone.

The next day we explored the other half of the strip and finally went to eat.

Auntie wasn’t feeling well, but eventually she got better.

The drive back to LA was uneventful.

Friday we went to Wi Day Spa and sauna for a bit. I had a good time sweating, but mom and auntie didn’t sweat as much. I figured. Then we went to Alhambra and met up with Big Auntie’s old friends.

We tried to get out of dinner, but we couldn’t.

Eventually we got home and the next day, we just relaxed and didn’t do anything. I dropped them off at the airport and came home and just crashed.

The whirlwind weekend was over.

I just rested and in a way, I’m still resting.

It was definitely a good trip, albeit with some issues that were beyond my control, but it is definitely something that I would do again. It was for family.

It was for family.

Boxed in triangular, dancing my jig on this wet floor thin ice I’m doing my jig on, I don’t know what is happening with me.

My week has been shit. Literally, shit. Shit shit shit shit. Everywhere I look is just shit.

Things are finally looking to calm down a little bit. Slow and slow, things are slowing down, winding down and beginning to go back to normal, maybe. Just maybe it will be.

It all started with a Macaron getting into the cat food and having the shits. His shits lead to him running away and almost getting hit by a car. I was almost hit too. Yay for getting hit by cars.

His shits of course naturally lead to Pickles’s shits, which he is hopefully getting better from now, since he’s taking medicine for it.

Shit shit shit shit.

Just a shitty weak and I’m glad that it is over. Hopefully things will get better.

* * *

It’s the end of another week or just the beginning of another.

It’s been a week since I’ve written the above and I’m tired. I’m cold and tired.

My allergies has gotten the best of me, but yet, I’m out here just typing away.

Things has progressed in the Sassy Pants front. We had our talk and I guess we had our first official date just the other night.

Things went well. I get a better sense of her personality and her humor. Right up my alley.

Things are going well and I’m not going to think too much of it. One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One date at a time.

Just one….at a time.

* * *

Superbowl is here and I thought it would be a great excuse for me to make some wings. It’s going to be a wings fest today and I’m actually looking forward to it.

Bring it on.

Go Seahawks.

Speaking of sports, it has been a while since I’ve actively watched sports or have I been invested in a game. I think the last time was when the Seahawks were in the Superbowl, way back in ’06. We lost. There were a lot of bad calls.

But before then, it was before I moved down to California.

I guess the reason I watched so much sports back then was because dad watched sports. I guess in a way, it was a way to bond with him, to follow his interests and it was just a different time back then for me.

But, I pretty much shut down this sports watching right when I moved down here…and plus the record breaking Mariners’s season came to an early end during the playoffs to the A’s.

Such disappointment.

But here we are again, Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos.

Go Seahawks!

* * *

Going out.

Meeting new people.

I need to do it.

I really do. If not, then I really am choosing to be alone.

Sassy Pants aside, it does seem that I am truly choosing to live my life alone if I don’t step out of my comfort zone.

I think the group thing, meetup.com would be the best bet for me to meet new people, make new friends, or possibly find someone.

Match.com just really isn’t working for me.

The whole online thing just isn’t for me.

But first, I just need to get myself out of the house more often and explore. I need to be able to just leave Pickles at home and just explore.

Maybe in a way, that’s why I agreed to take in Relish, so I can just go out on my own more often and that Pickles can have a companion at home.

We will see how long this approach goes.

But, I need to get out of the house.

* * *

Staying motivated.

Staying dedicated.

I just need to make a commitment to change.

Every year should be a growing year right? I should learn something new about myself and better myself every year, right?

That’s my motto.

That’s what I try to live by.

Have I done it?

Maybe that is what this push into the MLC was, that I was too comfortable being who I am and that it was just time for me to change more, to better myself.

I just needed an extra push. I need to stop procrastinating and coming up with excuses.

I just need to do.

It should be simple.

It should be great.

Be a better person.

Grow up, just a little more.

* * *

It’s been a while, a very long while since I’ve thought about something like this. It wasn’t until the tail end of last year that it struck me that I should do something like this again.

Last time it was pressure by my then friend to make this list of things that made me happy. Now, I don’t’ know. I just think that it is time again, especially for my first post in the New Year.

So, without adieu, here is the list. No ranking, just listing.

1. Writing. Let’s just get this out of the way. Through this little void of mine, I have come to love the creation of the written word. I love the thought process of just coming up with stories and characters. I just love it when I get into the flow, with good focus, to just write and write and write. To write with a purpose. That makes me happy.
2. Netflix. What more can I say. Movies to your door and now that they added streaming and have more content readily available. Just love it.
3. Pickles. My dog. My soul mate. There’s not enough in this blog to write about how much he means to me. His happiness just makes my heart melt. He’s my life. He’s really my life right now.
4. Road trips. Especially those that Pickles can come with me. There’s just something romantic about the open road. Nothing before you but a destination and time. You look out and see the country that you’ve lived in for so long. You watch the changing landscapes, the different little cultures and the different little things that are new and unexpected. There’s a lot of beauty out there and a car is a great way for you to see it.
5. Food in general and my appreciation for it. I guess I can call myself a foodie, but I just love food. It doesn’t have to be the fine gourmet food, it just has to be good food. It can be some cheap ass street food, but if it is good, I’m down with it. Just good food. What can I say? I love to eat. Sure my palate has changed a little bit and that is a result of me having the means to eat better and more gourmet food, but I still love all types of food.
6. Cooking. It’s simple. It’s relaxing. It can always get me into a relaxed Zen state. There’s not much to it, plus in the end, for the most part, I know I’ll get a good meal out of it. I don’t know, there’s just something about cooking and just focusing on the food and nothing else that gets me relaxed. All the stress just melts away, leaves my shoulders, my mind, and I’m transported into a state of mind where things just flow and I know what to do and have total faith that things will be good. The best part is when I get surprised about how well it turns out.
7. Now, there’s cooking, but then there is cooking for family. It’s a little bit different. I don’t cook for people. It’s usually just me and I don’t cook for friends. I usually just cook for family and I don’t get that many opportunities too. It is really good to get feedback from people to see if they like my food. Sure, there are hits and misses as this past Christmas demonstrated, but it was nice to wow them with my food.
8. Family. They’ll always be there. Sure there are their moments of nagging, but they’re family. They mean well in their off the cuff way. That’s how family is.
9. The fact that I live so far away from family. We all can use a little space and live our own lives.
10. The kids. I’m really happy to see them grow up and be so adjusted and fitting in to life and have lives of their own and not be fucked up kids. They are actually good kids. Seeing that, makes me really happy.
11. My thirties or my life since the Return of Saturn. Sure, it’s not all rosy now with my MLC, but ever since my late twenties and now well into my thirties, my life is good. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I know myself, my faults, my strengths. I know a lot about me and for the most part, that I’m liked by many. Not that that matters, but the fact that I think I’m a good person and people seem to think that too, it just makes me feel good about myself.
12. Vacations. They just need to be taken. You got all of this time, that’s paid. Take them. It’s good to just go and relax, to see the world, to see and experience things that are outside of your normal life. It’s just great to just go.
13. My wanderlust nature. It just gets me to see many more things that most other people haven’t seen. Sure, I can’t compete with many others, but I have done and seen quite a bit, and each and every one of these trips, big and small, just fills my heart with joy.
14. Fried Chicken. I still love it. It’s totally not healthy for me and I haven’t eaten as much as I did in the past, but man, I still love it. It had to be on this new list.
15. Spotify. Great and cheap access to a lot of music at the tip of my finger trips. I don’t have to worry about getting hard drives or to curate my own music. It is just there. Sure, in the end of the day, if I cancel my subscription, I don’t own any of the music, but you know, I’m totally okay with that.
16. Feedly or RSS feeds. It just makes surfing easier.
17. The internet. A lot of information, answers, and entertainment at the tip of my fingertips.
18. Knowing my self-worth. I’m happy to know how valuable and how great of a person I am. Again, I know I have my faults, but overall, I’m a good guy. It lets me know that people/girls need to earn my attention also and not just be some floozy people.
19. Scott…and the Carters. He saved my life. He definitely changed my life and made it better. I’m glad I found a great and genuine friend in him, especially during the time when I needed the most, me losing my father around that time.
20. Steak. I just love it, especially now that I found that Whole Food’s steaks are so good and so beefy in flavor. It’s a monthly staple.
21. Yamakase. It’s a restaurant and I am so fucking glad I found it. I been there twice and I have not been disappointed by either experience. It was just good simple food that was well prepared with great and fresh ingredients. It makes me happy.
22. Work. As much as I gripe about work, I actually do enjoy work. I do have a good social circle there and from time to time, there are great challenges and I have a great group of peers to bounce ideas off of and to help. I never had that before and it was just nice. When I first got hired, I told Blair (my old boss) that I’d give him 5 years. It’ll be the start of my 7th coming in February. It has been the longest that I have been at a job. It also gave me the opportunity to visit and explore many cities that I have not been to.
23. Chicago. My beloved. I just love that city. If I can actually deal with the winters there, I think I would actually move there. The people is great, the vibe is really chill, and it’s just a very very beautiful history with a lot of history and great architecture. It’s the best of both worlds when it compares between LA and NYC. It’s a great in-between.
24. Me being Chinese. I think it just made me a little more adventurous and exposed me to many things that I wouldn’t be exposed to if I wasn’t born Asian.
25. Books. Stories. Words. They are great escapes, transporting us to places that we can never dream of….
26. …the same goes for Film/Movies. One of the biggest reasons why I’m where I am today. It gave me the extra push to move down here and again, it is such great art and entertainment.
27. TV. I’m lazy. Plus there are some excellent shows out there. Great TV.
28. Music. It just helps me unwind and focus, clearing out the ambient noises that is around me.
29. My sense of humor. I’m always ready for a good laugh. Life is way too serious to be so serious all the time.
30. My independence. I cannot stress how important it is and how happy it makes me to know that I have such freedom in my life. It’s almost my everything.
31. Streaming. Easiest way to watch shows without having to follow a schedule.
32. Volcano Tea House. It is just a quick routine and a getaway from the house. I can just come here and write and write, especially since I have problems writing at home. It gets me out of the house.
33. Hiking. To be out in nature, away from the city, getting fresh air, and having Pickles next to me. It’s just great. It’s just nice to get away from everything sometimes and just be out in nature. To be one with nature. I’m starting to go hiking without music or headphones. It’s a slow process, but I’m starting to appreciate the silence and just embrace it.
34. #partyofone. I know a lot of people just don’t understand it, but it is nice. It is just so damn nice to just spend some time away from people and just recharge. I’m an extreme introvert. I need a lot of alone time. I just do. It’s who I am. I’m constantly around people, at work, so, the last thing I want to do is to give up some precious alone time to go party, unless it is someone I’m cool with.
35. Napa. Just awesome place to relax with good wine and good food. I want to make it more of a regular trip for me, whether it is with my bro, family, or someone else, even by myself.
36. Boy and his dog XXXX. Sure it is just a simple road trip back to Seattle, my home away from home, with Pickles, but I look forward to it every year that I do it. It’s just a mixture of everything that I love. I get some family time, I get my road trips, I get my hiking, and I get food. Each one is very memorable and I’m glad to have done them. Every single one of them. It is a definite, definite must for me. Every year if I can.
37. My walks with Pickles. It’s simple. Just a simple walk around the neighborhood so he can get his exercise and I’m getting my exercise also. There are times when he can test my patience, going slow and sniffing everything, so I have to drag him, but it’s nice.
38. Audible/Audio books. I never read or gotten through so many books in my life. It’s a great way to “read” per se. I love books, and I have a lot of time when I’m walking or doing chores or even hiking. It’s a great way to multitask and get some stories. I do have to say, sometimes, if I can’t understand the narrator, because he/she has an accent, it is a turn off, but it’s good. Nonfiction definitely doesn’t work as well as fiction.
39. Growth/Learning. I love growth, especially personal growth. Everyone should always grow as a person. Everyone. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. Definitely, there is always something to learn and to grow.
40. Photography. It is something that I had gotten into again in the past few years. I love it, but I’m at a point where I’m so unfocused, that I have no inspiration. Hopefully I can get some inspiration soon. I need a muse.
41. Aaron Sorkin. He’s a fucking god.

I think I will stop here as I am struggling to think of more things. It’s tough when you really think about it, the things that makes you happy. We are people who are so focused on the negative, the things that stand out and annoy us, but we don’t really think about the everyday things that makes us happy.

So, until next time I make a list, or think of some other things to add, please enjoy.

…I want you to stay

It’s my last day here.

It’s the perfect gloomy PNW morning. A low lying fog just hangs ever so quietly as people go about their business.

I sit at my new but not new usual, doing what it is that I do.

It is my last day here and I honestly can’t wait.

I know it is bad of me, but one week is just enough. One week is just enough of the family time, especially when it is during the winter because I’m usually stuck at home, not exploring, not doing anything but just hanging by my mom, who is usually down stairs and not in any vicinity of where I am.

It is time for me to go; to go back to the sunny seaside home that I am use to; to be reunited with my soul mate and receive his waggy tail cold shoulders.

It is time for me to bid adieu to the PNW for a much much longer time.

If things pan out next year as they are planned, then I don’t know when the next time I’ll be up here will be. Maybe a few days?

Would there even be a Boy and his Dog 2014?

Time.

Time is a fickle thing. Always constant, but always changing. You have so much of it, but so little. A living contradiction, a living dichotomy.

Time is like me.

* * *

Changes.

There definitely will be a lot of changes that are coming up in 2014.

I believe there will be a new furkid, a new tiny member of the family, a tiny kitty.

It’ll be a new responsibility, a new challenge, something different.

I think those are the things that I’m looking for, these little new things, new challenges, to help me through this MLC of mine.

I hope things will work out well. I hope that Pickles would like the new addition. I hope.

I hope for a lot of things, just hoping that things end up in some manageable form.

Hopefully.

* * *

I want to see you be brave.

Be brave.

Be fierce.

Be fearless.

Just act.

Just do.

It is the time to just do. You are not getting any younger. You are slowly and slowly working on yourself. You’ve been working for quite a long time now and you clearly see the results.

You look in the mirror and see a familiar face looking back at you and you like what you see.

You see all of his faults, but you also see the good that is in him. You study his face and see the resemblances of your father. His nose. His brow. His scowl.

You see him. He was a good man, but with faults and demons of his own.

You know that you will want to be the best of him, not the worst of him. You know that you want to be the best person that you can be.

Be the best.

It is time that you move past your creature comforts. It is time that you move past your irrational fears. It is time to just be the man with the quiet confidence.

It is time.

It is definitely time for the change and time for a reformation, an evolution, a regeneration.

It is time.

Let the Doctor show you the way.

Be a new you. But BE a BETTER YOU.

It is time for that change. It is time.

Time.

* * *

Come morning light, you and I will be safe and sound.

Tomorrow will always be another day.

Try. Try again.

If you fail, there’s always tomorrow for you to try again.

Try until you get it right.

Try until you nail it.

Try.

The keyword is try.

You won’t know whether you can or cannot do it unless you try.

So, shut up and just try.

You know this. You know all of these things and bad fortune cookie blurbs.

Time to do it. Time to do it.

* * *