It’s approaching the end of my time here in the PNW. I have two more full days here before I catch a flight out to my beloved Chicago to pass the New Year there.

I have nothing planned. I don’t know what I’ll be doing while I’m out there. I’m sure I’m resourceful enough to figure something out.

Maybe I’ll go to my favorite neighborhood bar to pass into the New Year, or maybe I’ll be in bed trying to sleep. I’m not sure. I just know I am going and that is enough for me right now.

I’ve spent the past few days writing and writing on my yearly end-of-year diatribe rumblings and I think I don’t know much to write anymore.

* * *

Resolutions.

I’ve never been the type to make resolutions because for the most part, I never stick to them. There’s no one there to make me accountable for it, so I just not do it. Exercise, more projects, exercise exercise exercise. It just never happens.

I’ll just do whatever work out here and there and that is about it. There’s really nothing much that I stick to.

I have been eating a little bit better, but really not much different from how I normally eat. I just eat less and more home cooked meals. Saves me a lot more money rather than me going out to lunch every weekend on Sawtelle because it is just there.

Will I go back to it? I don’t know. I only did it because I needed to save me some money for all of the trips and expenses that I knew that I was going to have to save up for. But now, I don’t have much expenses planned, but it’s always a good idea to save money where I can.

So, no resolutions.

Let’s just go through the year unplanned like I normally do with most everything and see where it goes. See what opportunities or decisions come up and go from there.

* * *

I need to get back to finishing my script, thinking about the ending and the rewrites of the earlier pages. I need to get into that mindset again after taking some time off. I think I should finish it before I leave for Iceland.

Now, I just need to research Iceland and see what are the best places to chase the light and the best places to go on an adventure. I’m excited about it. I can’t wait.

I actually had a great conversation with my mom and my aunts and uncle on Christmas Day about traveling and where I want to go and what I’m going to do in Iceland. I told my aunt that I was going to chase the light, that I want to see the Northern Lights while I’m out in Iceland. They were curious as to what was out there.

I googled them pictures and they were amazed. Then I told them about the Northern Lights, about all of the different colors of the sky and how beautiful it was. Then I showed them a video and they were just blown away.

It seems that my mom wants to go to Tibet too! I’m excited for that one. I would love to go to Tibet to visit the monasteries and to say a little prayer to all of my family and friends.

Wanderlust. It runs in the family.

I also asked uncle and auntie if they were scared for Cloud as she was venturing abroad in Italy by herself. No. That was their answer. No. There’s no worry because she’s an adult. Good answering.

I love how open they are to things. They still worry about her little one of course. I think she’ll always be.

Cloud.

My little protégé. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I’m very curious as to where this independence is coming from.

I like how she always will use me and my ways as an excuse of her parents. Cousin Phong goes off by himself! or Cousin Phong has that. I think I like it that I can be a role model to them.

I hear the stories from the kids how they would always drop my name whenever they want to do something that I have already done before, but to hear her parents actually bring it up, it was just hilarious.

I don’t know, I guess I like it because it is the life that I wanted and now have, but they are having it at such a very young age. I would love to have that when I was their age and in a way, I did have that freedom, but I was still tied to family at the same time.

I was messed up back then, but I’m glad that all of the kids are okay, venturing off on their own, living and enjoying their life.

Good for them.

They all should have their adventures and growing experiences. That’s what life is about, to grow and experience before you die. ‘Cause we need to die to allow our progeny to grow from that experience.

Peru. Machu Piccu.

That’s her next trip maybe or the Mediterranean. I think she wanted to do Greece and Turkey next, where Hien wants to go. Let’s see what happens.

* * *

The Seahawks play today and everyone is out here with their 12th Man jerseys, running their errands, getting their money, before the game starts this afternoon. It’ll be a crazy day today as everyone will be rooting for the Hawks to win so they can clinch home field advantage.

Ahh, to be into sports again. It’ll never happen to me. I’ll watch if it is on, but it isn’t a part of my life unlike most everyone here. I’m too far detached from it, watching it when I was younger because my dad was into it.

But, I don’t know, I guess I can get into it, having a team to root for and all.

* * *

Camping.

I want to go camping. I want to start camping, to experience camping, to be out underneath the stars.

I think it’ll be the something new I’ll try this year. I’ll do it and see how I like it. It’ll have to be someplace that is dog friendly though. We shall see.

With how this past year has been, I think I want to be more active outside of the home. I want to go out more, explore more with Pickles ’cause I have definitely been neglecting him this year. Especially since he won’t have any trips with me this coming year either as we are going to do Route 66 instead.

So, more outings with Pickles.

More hiking with Pickles because I need the damn exercise.

I just need more adventures.

More and more.

* * *

This entry didn’t go as planned. I actually didn’t have much of a plan for this one. I just came out here to write as I normally do and to get out of the house and have some alone time, which I do get while I’m at home.

I guess we’ll see how tomorrow’s session will go.

Tired.

Tired from the bad night’s sleep that I had and not because of my usual fatigue. I blame the Pepsi. Damn caffeine.

But here I am again, my home away from home, my home in the Pacific Northwest, my #homehome as I thought of this morning.

I’m sitting in my new usual place, the place I usually write but under new management, doing what I do best, and that is to write about myself.

Thinking back, it seems that this is the first time that I have been back this year. I can’t believe it has been a year that I have set foot back here. I guess this year being such a family oriented year that I didn’t need to come back. But here I am and it is that time of year for me to babble on with my mumbling of another bah humbug to everyone.

So here it goes, 2014.

* * *

What can I say about this year? So much happened this year and maybe that is why it has gone by so fast. A blink and it was gone. A blink and it’s been almost a year since I’ve gotten my new kid, Relish.

Blink and my yearlong therapy sessions is over.

Blink, another relationship over.

Blink, I survived another year at work.

Blink, I grew.

2014.

It definitely has been a year of ups and definite down.

If I have to define this past year, I would say that this year has been a year of growth and understanding. Thinking about it, growth not only in myself, but I see the growth that my brother has gone through, the changes that I have noticed for the better. Growth.

It was definitely a year of growth for me, and definitely a year of understanding.

I have written about it in more detail in the last few entries about what I have gotten out of therapy.

I can truly say that I am no longer in that rut anymore. I am no longer in my self-proclaimed mid-life-crisis. I’ve moved on, having a better understanding of myself and how I am and how I became to be the way that I am.

I have a more solid grasp of what I want in life and ultimately what I want right now. I am open to the idea of changing and growing as years and years go by, but definitely I should be focused on what I want right now, because that’s where we spend all of our time, in the now. So, I shouldn’t worry about the future, since literally it can change by what I choose to do right now, in this moment, in the now.

Be here. Be now.

I would love to have someone special in my life and a family in the future, but right now, I’m not ready. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I love my freedom and my independence and my solitude. It relaxes me. It zens me out. That’s what I want now. So, let’s just be happy and be that now.

As noted before, this urge of independence has been shaped and molded through the years of upbringing and forged at the time of my father’s passing. Now, with an understanding of it, maybe I can slowly chip away at it and mold it into something else. Slow and steady, I’ll beat it away until I am ready for the next now in my life.

Guilt. That heaviness weighing down on my heart, my body, my soul needed to go. It is time for me to move on and to finally see that I didn’t kill my father. It is time. It is right. He wouldn’t want that on me. He wouldn’t want me to be crippled by his death. He would want me to be happy and what’s best for me.

It is time. Slow and steady like the urge to be pro-solitude and independent, it’ll go away. After a few weeks of believing, I already feel lighter.

I have my shrink to thank for that. Again, thank you for helping me. It means a lot to me.

Now there are still other things that I still need to work on. It’s a part of the growth of this past year and the understanding of who I am. I’m a control freak, wanting things to go my way. Also, it just seems I’m becoming more and more judgmental. I need to reel that in.

No more. Grow. Change. Be the better man. Slow and steady.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this inner peace inside. Calm and tranquil for the most part, until I’m around a lot of stupid people, or if I become impatient, then my blood boils. Things to work on.

I hope 2015 will be another year of steady growth and understanding. It’s a part of life. Everyone should grow a little every year, be a little bit better. Just a little bit better and that’ll be progress.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

What next, what else?

Traveling.

Like any other year, I strive to travel as much as I can and this year was no different.

Another reason why I haven’t been back home this year was because I traveled so much, and most of it was with family, so I really didn’t need to go home to spend time with them.

It started early this year, with that whirlwind road trip in February I took with my mom and aunt’s up and down California. It was the worst road trip of my life, me just slaving away driving and driving and driving and not being able to sleep, ’cause I just don’t sleep well on other people’s beds.

Even though it was a great bonding experience, especially with my mom braiding my hair, but with my aunts, especially the one from Vietnam, I was just tired. I was spent. I wanted the week to end so I can just rest. I don’t think I have ever been so tired in my life. But, I would totally do it again. For family.

Now, usually, I try to do a little trip for myself around my birthday, but this year, it was another family trip that I planned to South East Asia. Overall, it was just an amazing trip to Singapore, Vietnam, and Hong Kong.

It was definitely an eye opening trip, seeing the different countries and experiencing all that we had. I still remember the craziness of Vietnam and how sick I got.

Of course not everything was perfect on the trip. Family did get on my nerves from time to time, but then again, it happens. I shouldn’t let it ruin the trip. But overall, great trip and I’m looking forward to our next one.

I know for sure, I am done with Asia for the time being. Maybe Europe next? Who knows?

Every year, it seems I try to include a little outdoorsy wilderness trip. I think it seems that way because of all the times I have driven home with Pickles and I would go hiking with him or our trips to Arizona and the Grand Canyon.

This year was no different with my Utah trip with my brother. Utah.

The Utah 5.

It was spectacular. It was beautiful. It was a dream.

Maybe an outdoorsy trip with my brother would be a new tradition. I guess it started last year with our trip to Glacier National Park and he was interested in going when I asked him if he wanted to join when I was planning the trip.

Unlike last year’s trip, my brother was in fine form with no injuries, so I didn’t get annoyed. There were little things that annoyed me, but that was on the tail end.

But the trip. Amazing. I want to do it again. I want to be on the open road, driving across the vast state and seeing the changing landscapes passing me by. I want to step through the beauty, following the paths that many have traversed and maybe even paving my own path.

Angel’s Landing was a rush of success. It was a peaceful Zen up at the top as the sun rises, bathing the valley floor in warmth and light.

Bryce Canyon and the alien Hoodoo’s towering over us as we hike between them.

Just marvelous. Just beautiful.

I want to go back.

Let’s go back.

It was also a trip of great bonding with my brother, the little that we did. But it was also a revelation for me to see how much my brother changed since the last time we really hung out, our SE Asia trip.

He looked good. He looked like he was enjoying himself, hiking through the wilderness. He was in his element, and he was savoring each minute and second, taking pictures.

I love the growth that he’s going through. I love that he’s changing for the better. I love the progress and hope it continues.

Traveling. I love it and this year surely didn’t disappoint.

Those are just trips I did for vacation and not counting the small trips I did for work.

I went to Portland and Chicago to help them move offices this past. The situation sucks, but it is what it is.

But Chicago. I was there twice this year and in the next few days, it’ll be my third time. I fall in love with the city every time I go there.

I remember the last time I was there, walking to work in the morning, I can imagine myself doing that. I can totally see myself there.

That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the next few days, to see how cold it is. Maybe, just maybe. I don’t know. We shall see.

Travel.

Use your vacation days.

Spend without care on those vacations. It’s why you have time off from work, to reconnect and zen out.

From how things are looking now, next year seems like another travel year. With already three trips in the works/planned, I can’t wait.

I have the Iceland trip in February booked and planned. Besides some work trips, I didn’t get a trip on my own this year like I usually do. This Iceland trip would be it. I’m there to explore the wonders of Iceland and to chase the lights. Hopefully I’m fortunate enough to get a glimmer. It’ll definitely be a few things off of my bucket list if I do. The Northern Lights and my first solo international trip. Hopefully.

Then I’ll be doing my yearly Boy and his dog on the road adventure in the summer. I think I might do Banff National Park while I’m up there and maybe my brother will join me.

I’m looking forward to hiking in Banff, seeing the majestic wonders in person that I’ve only seen in pictures.

Then maybe later in the summer or earlier, depending on when it’ll be a good time, I’m planning on doing Crater Lake in Oregon. It’ll be about an 11 hour drive, like the one to Banff from Seattle. It’s doable in a day.

That maybe a trip by myself, depend if my brother can get the time off. I’m cool either way. I just want to go and explore and see. I want to be out in the Wild.

With those three trips being planned, it already seems that 2015 is shaping up to be an awesome year.

I’m living my life. I’m loving my life.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Onto day two of this little yearly diatribe and it seems that this is the second entry to my knowledge that I referenced Sia’s Chandelier and I’m okay with that.

Where to continue, where to go now?

Going back to my future travels in 2015, instead of driving back home and doing Banff, I might be doing Route 66 with my brother instead. We’ve discussed this trip earlier this year while we were going to Utah and I was very surprised that he is interested in going and doing it.

Again, this is Hien 2.0 and I love it. He’s read and game for an adventure.

* * *

Back at it, continuing on. Where to go next?

Work.

Work is work. There’s not much to say about it. It is what it is. There were some learning moments and moments to shine and to learn and to problem solve like any other year that I have been there.

It seems like I’ve been doing good things there and is still being valued and I’m okay with that. I’m glad that they think I’m a good worker.

It had offered me many opportunities throughout the years to travel and to explore and this year was no different. It catalyst for me finding Chicago and falling in love with it.

Sure it could be busier and it just might be with us growing, so let’s see what happens in 2015.

We seem to be back on track to what we need to do and where we need to go.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Kids, or should I say my furkids that always keep me wondering what do they do all day while I’m away.

At the end of last year, I added another member to my little small tight knit family. I got a little kitten which I named Relish.

I never had a cat before and I don’t mind cats. I’m good with cats as I am with all animals. I only got her because I feel bad for Pickles and his continuing behavior problems and seeing how he treats Bea’s cats, I was sure that he would prefer having a cat as a sibling then another dog, seeing how he is when I dog sat.

I got her at the end of last year and she’s been a surprise and a handful and a joy and a pest and many other things all at the same time.

Like Pickles when I first got him and even today at times, it’s a brand new learning curve, trying to figure out how to act with it and why she does the thing that she does.

At first I was worried that Pickles would be rough and attack it, and he did, but I knew that it was all in play. As they bonded together, I think they tolerate each other and Relish has gotten use to Pickles now that she’ll come up to him and taunt him to chase her.

But when I am home and seeing how they are together, it doesn’t seem like they like each other. They both aren’t the cuddling type, but I am very curious as to how they really do feel about each other.

I mean, Relish meowing loudly while I take Pickles out front to pee, that has to be affection, right? I don’t know, maybe. I sometimes fantasize that while I’m at work or at away, they are cuddling together, sleeping wrapped up in each other.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night noticing that they’ll sleep in close proximity to each other next to me. There’s hope, I guess. There’s hope.

Maybe it is because of Relish, but it feels that I have been neglecting Pickles as of late. I’m sure much of it has to do with me having to board him now whenever I travel whereas before I would drop him off at a friend’s or at the Carters, but I just feel bad for the little guy.

I look at him, seeing his face, and I understand what he wants and what he’s thinking, always wants to be out exploring.

I don’t know why, but it just feels that I haven’t taken him out as much this year as I had done in the past. I know a lot of it has to do with me being more antisocial this year than any other year and I guess he’s suffering because of it. Hopefully I can rectify that in the coming year.

I’ll make a conscious effort to take him out to the parks or even going hiking. Let’s hope.

2015. Make me a better parent. Bring it on.

* * *

Relationships. Socializing. Me and the outside world. Pro-solitude and my ways of hermitude.

It has been a difficult year for me this year in terms of relationships and just being social.

Sure it may have started off with a bang, me getting into a relationship, but looking back, I really wasn’t ready for one.

But, I knew I had to do it, because otherwise, how else would I know? Again, I’m the type of person that has to go through things and experience things to actually know how I feel about it. Especially when it comes to relationships.

Sure, I had my doubts early on during that time with Milipitas. My gut was like, what are you doing? But I had to do it. I had to be sure.

Coming out of it, I realize that I don’t want to be in a relationship now. Sure, I would like to be in a good and stable and loving relationship one day, but being in one, it just makes me realize that relationships just don’t work for me.

Yes, I realize that this last one was different and really wasn’t good for me, but I can’t base all my future relationships off of that. It just wasn’t a good relationship. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good.

I did the wrong thing in it. I was forced into it because I didn’t want to hurt the person. I shouldn’t have been in it to begin with, but again, it was my fault in that I needed to try.

I guess it all goes back to the mid-life-crisis that I was going through. I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because that was the growth and the change that I needed in my life to get me through the MLC. I was wrong.

It was just irrational pressure I was feeling from myself and family and society.

Coming out of it, I just realize I value my independence way too much to be in a relationship. I enjoy being alone, doing whatever it is that I want to do and not being in a relationship where I can go weeks and weeks without seeing or talking to her.

I’m just not good at relationships.

I’m good at being alone.

I’m good at being me and that’s where I’ll be for the time being.

Yes, I agree with my shrink. I have to be open to a relationship whenever I meet someone. I have to be. I can’t totally shut it out.

I just need to keep my eye out for the so called right girl, if she ever exists. My shrink believes that they are everywhere. I just have to keep my eye out.

Well, in the meantime, my eyes are open as I enjoy my life of pro-solitude.

Socializing, or simply, the lack thereof.

As the year progressed, and even during that little relationship, I realize that I had reverted back to my old ways. I had become more and more antisocial as of late.

I know in the past few months most definitely, as I usually tend do at the end of the year, I go back into my cave and just reflect.

But I don’t know why, but I haven’t gone out much and hung out with many people this year. I know a lot of it has to do with the changing or dwindling circle of friends that I usually hang out with.

Relationships change as people leave and as dynamics change.

Before I would hang out with B5, but that dynamic changed a lot. With Blox, she’s gone and our relationship is over the web and other than that, I really don’t have friends that I hang out with after work.

Sure, I have the people in my group at work, but we’ve never been the type that would hang out.

The Carters are gone, leaving me with just by myself and that is something that I’m okay with.

There are many other friends that I have lost along the way. Friends that I just lose touch with because I’m horrible at keeping it up and keeping in touch. I’m very out-of-sight-out-of-mind and that’s something that I have and think will always be.

Friendships just slowly drift away and I just don’t make the effort, even when it’s an old friend reaching out wanting to hang out, like the Villa Vicenz. I just don’t make the effort because it’s just too much. She usually likes to hang in groups and I’m not a group hanger outer and that is something that I try to do, but it is just not my type of thing.

Maybe slowly, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it right now.

Hopefully next year will be a different year in terms of being social and going out more and hanging out more. I don’t know, but there’s always that possibility.

This even applies to family also. I haven’t been as diligent in visiting Great Uncle and his family as I did in the past. I don’t know why, but I just haven’t. It just seems like it is too much effort to do it. Maybe I was just family-ed out this past year with all of the trips and what not and I didn’t need anymore.

I don’t know, hopefully that’ll change also. I know I’ll have to pay them a visit before Chinese New Year’s since I won’t be there this year. Let’s see how it goes.

Looking back, it just feels like this year was a lot like the first couple of years that I was down here. I was on my own just doing my own thing.

I’ve watched so many movies this year by myself, that it seems that I catch one weekly. I have started a movie-night-Mondays and it is just me going to the movies and watching whatever I want and I am totally okay with that.

I am going back to basics I guess. It just works for me.

I guess I was right in saying that I don’t mix well with people when my aunt asked when I’ll have children. I don’t mix well with people, therefore I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll never have children.

I’m okay with being alone. I love being alone. It works for me.

Maybe that is the biggest lesson of this year. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, it is that I don’t need to be in a relationship. I think I’ve always known that, but with the MLC and me believing that it’ll be good for change, my mind got warped and felt that I need it to grow.

But the main lesson is that I, nor anyone need to be with someone to be happy or to grow.

I feel that I have grown a lot this year and have a better understanding of who I am just by being on my own. Sure it had a lot to do with my shrink and me just picking at the things that makes me the way I am to just have a good understanding as to why I am the way I am.

I value independence. It’s the world to me.

I don’t need anyone and that’s okay with me.

* * *

Another day, another song to start my writing, another subject

Let’s see if I can connect it and have it flow the way that I need it to flow.

Where to start today? Where should I take it?

Creativity.

Looking back, it just seems that this year has been a little lacking in the creative side for me. I blame most of it on the MLC that I was going through, uninspired to do anything, unable to focus on anything.

But, midway through the year, I was able to focus more and having that writing set up with Scott again helped quite a bit.

I’m almost finished with my new script. It has problems, but hey, I’m writing again. I think that is what matters most. I’m writing again. I’m creating again.

I haven’t used my camera much this year. Again, uninspired. No photography projects and I’m just too lazy to carry my DLSR around every day. Hopefully that’ll change come the New Year as I am planning on doing two photography projects.

I’m planning on doing another 365 again, but this time it’ll be black & white photography. Hopefully it’ll be a mixture of iPhone and DSLR if not all DSLR. Let’s hope I finish and don’t get bored with it halfway through.

Another project would be my portrait-of-the-day project. I’ve been seeing all of these videos as of late of people taking a selfie of them every day for a year or even two or three years and then stitching them together to make a video out of it. I’m intrigued and hopefully I can do that also.

We shall see. Hopefully.

I know that I need some inspiration in my life and a big creative outlet to keep my mind sharp and busy. Hopefully.

We shall see.

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Lock you up…turning to the dark.

I’m not a perfect person and I don’t have the best personality even though many people see me in a different way that I know myself to be. They see the side of me that is at work and with those short glimpses and experiences, it’s hard for them to really gauge who I really am.

I’m impatient for the most part with zero tolerance for stupidity.

As I get older, I’m starting to realize how judgmental I am. It seems very prevalent in the past few months and I really don’t understand why it has gotten so bad.

I need to make a better effort to not be so judgmental. I know that I have a very open mind on many things and I pretty much live a very libertarian life in terms of you do whatever you want to do and I do whatever I want to do and let’s just leave it at that.

But for some reason, I have been very judgmental about many things lately. I don’t like it. It’s definitely a side of me that I need to change. This isn’t a matter of want, it’s a matter of need to change for the better.

I should be less judgmental. I should live free of any judgment. I need to see that what is best for me isn’t necessarily best for other people and just let other people be.

It’s not my place to put my two cents and it is definitely not my place to tell them what they should do.

I don’t want that, so why would other people expect that from me.

Change. Growing. Be less judgmental.

I wonder how many people I have hurt because I have been so judgmental as of late. I know I don’t voice many of my judgments, but I do wonder how many people that I dismiss or hurt because I subconsciously do it? Need to change.

Hurting people.

It just seems it wouldn’t be a complete year if I didn’t hurt a few people or ruffle a few people.

This past year was no different.

First and foremost, it was Milipitas. It is what it is. I think I wrote about it enough on this here space of mine, but that was the worse one. I didn’t mean to and I knew going in that she was more in it than I was, but I allowed it to go further than it needed it to and then I ended it. I hurt her and that was my fault.

Next was Blox. It was an assumption on my part and a big wrong assumption and that really pissed her off. I didn’t realize that she would be so mad at something so simple, but I understand that I should have considered what she wanted. It was my fault and definitely something that I need to be mindful of in the future, not just with her, but with everyone else.

One great perk of being so anti-social, you don’t get too many chances to piss people off. The less people I hang out with or be around, the less people I piss off. Easier that way.

We shall see.

No more hurting people, please?

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Change. Growth. More adult.

Here’s to the small personal changes.

Optimism.

That sense of optimism is still around. It’s been there for years and I don’t know where it came from, but it is still around. With that new found optimism, there comes the confidence also.

Just thinking back to how I was years ago, while I was so young and comparing it to now, I have changed so much. As documented in these pages of mine, I definitely have grown up quite a bit with my years.

My confidence soars high above where it once was and so has my optimism. I still can’t get over how weird that is to me. I just don’t understand where it came from.

MLC. It definitely had changed me a lot. That pressing urge to change has changed not only what’s on the inside, cooling the inner turmoil that I was feeling, but it also changed how I look.

This past year saw the tail end of my hair experiment, growing it out for donation. I did it. I finished it, just shy of the 10 inches I was going for, but it was long enough for me to donate.

I know a lot of it was a control thing, to see if I have the conviction to hold onto it and finish it. It had a lot to do with the MLC, when it seemed that I didn’t have a control in my life, having control of my hair and what to do with it was definitely helpful.

Also, I’m sure my confidence definitely grew because of that. I did a lot of crazy shit with my hair and I didn’t care what other people think of it. Some people hated it and some people didn’t care while other people loved it. It was me and I took control of it. I didn’t care what other people think. It all boils down to me not caring what other people think and just doing it. It felt so freeing.

I’m glad that I did it and I’m doing it again. I’m months into my second round of growing out my hair and I have another year left to go. It’ll feel no different in terms of not caring what other people think.

Another thing was growing out my facial hair for Movember again, for the same reasons, control and not caring. It was what I wanted to do and I did it and I didn’t care what other people think. The reactions were mixed, but that’s how it’ll always be.

Confidence. It definitely have grown a lot. I definitely have more of it then I did last year.

Another side effect of this MLC is how I dress now. I look more adult as a coworker mentioned a few weeks ago. I am dressing more and more like a grown up. Gone is my t-shirt collection, replaced by more button ups and slim fitting pants. It seems like I am a fashion whore now, but I still have my days of just wearing a hoodie and jeans.

But how I dress has definitely taken a different turn then how I use to dress and it feels right. It feels like the right direction to me, getting compliments from time to time. People notice. Girls notice.

Slowly but sure, I’m growing to be a better person than I was the year before.

That’s how it should be. Every year should be a growing year.

2015 was no different.

* * *

2014.

It was a trying year. It was a year of deep growth and deep understanding.

It was like any other year that had transpired in recent memory, but at the same time it was a year unlike any other.

Sure it was a year of growth, but it was more than that. It was a year of personal freedom and there’s so much to that personal freedom.

I worked on letting my demons go, not taking blame and responsibility to the death of my father which I have been holding on for the past 11+ years. The weight has lifted, the guilt is almost gone.

It’s so freeing. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. My heart is so light. My soul, unburdened.

Personal freedom. I’m finally committing to how I have been living all my adult life. I do me. I do what is best for me. No more having to consider family and having to base many of my decisions on how it’ll affect them and what they want me to do.

I’m finally committing to taking the only thing that matters, and that is my feelings on the matter. Sure, I’ll think about how it’ll affect them, but in the end, my decisions will be what is best for me and what I want to do. I’ve been doing it for all of my life, it is just only now that I see that and see how it made me a better man and a happier person.

Personal freedom. I value my independence and at the current moment, I don’t want to give that up. I still can’t reconcile that being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll have to give it up or that I’ll have less of it, but I know right now, here in this moment, I don’t want to be in a relationship

I know that had been one of the biggest struggles that I was battling, the do I or don’t I want to be in a relationship. I guess that is one of the reasons why I had gone through my MLC, the not knowing what it is that I want. Now I know.

Relationships aren’t for me. I don’t work in a relationship.

I am okay with that. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my independence.

Growth.

It is about coming to terms with what you want and realizing that you can’t make everyone happy and that your decisions might disappoint and hurt others that only want the best for you, and that you have to stick to it because it is what you want and it is what makes you happy.

Understanding.

With understanding comes change. Now I have a better and deeper understanding of my behavior and my predispositions, I have a better change of changing it.

Growth and change comes slowly and these past few years of being in the MLC, I have definitely changed a lot.

I feel like a brand new person. I am a new me.

I’ll be ending 2014 as a different person than when I started and I’ll be starting 2015 as a brand new person that I have never been.

Here’s to a new me in the New Year.

2014.

Thank you for being another great year. I bid you adieu.

2015.

Bring it. I’m ready to see what you bring.

Hopefully it’ll be no different than the past couple of years. Hopefully it’ll be full of growth and understanding.

2015. Bring it on.

BRING IT ON.

It took me a while to come to this realization, and I needed help from my shrink with it too, but it seemed that I’ve always chose to what is best for me and not for family, even though it seems most of my dilemmas stem from me having to make a decision either for me or for family.

It just seems with my track record that I have always done me and I have been the better for it, but it just seems that for some reason, I couldn’t come to terms with it this time and it has been a struggle.

Family. I love them. I’m very filial and I am not ashamed of it.

So, I tend to consider my family and what they think in most of the big decisions of my life or just things that I want to do. But again, time and time again, as often as I struggled with it, I have always chose to do what is best for me.

I guess the thing to take from this is that I should just listen to my gut and do what is best for me, be selfish.

I’ve always listened to my gut. I’ve always been selfish and that has treated me well. So, why should there even be a battle?

* * *

Yeah, I didn’t really realize how I’ve made those decisions until my shrink brought it up. Again, maybe I’m just too close to it and I just can’t see it, but I definitely see it now.

I do me. That’s what’s best for me.

Pressure, trying to do what is best for family never really did me any good. It just causes so much stress and breakdowns, it just isn’t worth it.

I’m trying to remember how far this went back to, but I guess having that break down in front of my parents in regards to my major and wanting to just do things on my own that really shook things up.

I guess having my father just tell me that he doesn’t care what I major in, but that I need to just graduate and get the paper and in the end, that is all that matters. I guess having that out there and having him give me the blessing to just do whatever it was that I needed to do, just relieved the pressure and the anxiety. It gave me the strength to make my own decisions.

Then I decided that I wanted to move down here. There really wasn’t much of a discussion there. Sure my father wasn’t too happy about it, wanting me to instead go to vocational school for computers and then decide if I want to come down here afterwards.

I was set and firm in that decision to just move down here. I had to. I don’t think I ever considered family at that time. It never crossed my mind how my parents felt. I just had to do it because I know that it’ll save me.

It was exactly what I needed to be independent, to be able to breathe because I felt so suffocated up there. I had to. I was trying to save my life

Then the same thing happened after my father passed away and my mom wanted me to move back up. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to move back up. I couldn’t do it. I thought about it, but again, I really didn’t consider family. I was selfish and thought about my sanity and how I was going to deal. I needed it to fix myself and I knew if I moved back, things would be bad.

So, again, another big decision I had to make and I never really thought about it or consider family. I just made the decision and just stayed down there.

Knowing me, I am the type of person who makes decisions and big changes only when I’m ready to make them and not before. I do not cave into the pressure of people telling me what I need to or not to do.

I never been the person to heed the things that people tell me what that I should do, but I don’t know why, but with this whole I’m getting older and I should really consider finding someone and start a family is one of the big ones that I couldn’t shake.

Maybe a big part of me is that I do want it. I know that I want it, to be married and to have children and have a family of my own.

I know in a way, I do want that in my life, and I guess what it boils down to is that these wants and needs and desires align with what my family wants for me. So maybe I thought I’d try and do that, but not knowing that I wasn’t ready for it and that I just can’t do it right now.

I know that I want to find the right person, a person that I just can get along with and understands me and my desire for independence.

I just know when things are right and when’s the right time only when I know it and right now, even though there’s all this pressure, it isn’t the right time. But then family’s there, with all the pressure.

I guess I bought into it. I don’t know.

But I’m thinking more clearly now and know where I stand. I’m not ready and I’m going to do what is best for me.

Don’t fall into the pressure.

* * *

Looking back just now and it does seem that most of this all started about 2011, after my road trip back home. I just seemed off them. Reading back on my old blogs, it’s also the year when I made mom cry because of what I told her about 5th Uncle lecturing me while I was in Philly.

I guess that was an appropriate time for me to put that pressure on myself.

I don’t want to ever make my mom cry. That’ was the first time in a long long long time that I’ve made my mom cry and I guess I took it to heart, because it was about her wanting me to find a wife and having children.

I guess that’s when I started to put the pressure on myself, my thinking and putting family before my needs, wanting to make them happy.

It just makes sense.

I guess I know better now. I’ve gone through a year of therapy, to make me better and I came out better now knowing that I should consider family, but ultimately I do what is best for me.

My track record shows it.

It works for me.

It just does.

* * *

So, hopefully with the New Year, and starting today, the new Winter season, I’ll take this new found knowledge with me and start living a better life.

It’s funny, I took a test that predicts what kind of year 2015 would be for me and I scored that it’ll be a year of celebration.

Looking ahead, it just feels like it will be.

I’m curious, very curious what my next blank slate will be?

What will I make of it?

If plans hold true, it’s already shaping up to be an exciting year for my travels and it’s going to start out very differently from my typical years.

This year will end and the next year will start in my beloved.

I have never spent New Year’s in any other city than LA for the longest time. Thinking back, I don’t even remember if I ever spent New Year’s back in the PNW. If I did, it was years and years ago.

But, this will be different. I’ll be spending it in Chicago. It’ll definitely start my year out different from all of my typical years even if I don’t make it past the dropping of the ball or if I sleep through it or even if I don’t go out and celebrate, instead staying in at the hotel

I don’t mind. The year is already planned to start out different and that is fine with me.

The open possibilities of the year to come intrigues me. It fascinates me. I’m so looking for it.

Maybe it’ll be a year of celebration.

I’m planning trips that excites me, doing what I want, exploring where I want without any consideration of others.

Iceland and hopefully the northern lights. It’ll be my fourth international trip, but it’ll be my first solo one. So excited.

I’ve taken many solo trips before, but this one just excites me, ’cause it’ll be my first.

Excited.

I can’t wait.

A few more hiking and wilderness trips have been planned that I’m excited for. Even if we or I don’t make it to Banff this year, I’ll still be back up in the PNW exploring the wilderness.

I can’t wait.

The New Year is to come, bringing forth a blank canvas. Let’s see what masterpiece I’ll make.

She feels safe leaving me where I am. She feels that I am doing okay and that we can stop our sessions.

I have her contact information and can reach out to her any time.

It is done. It is over.

Am I fixed?

I can surely say that I definitely feel a lot better than when I went in. No more of that pressure or that feeling that I am in a rut or need to change. Definitely don’t want to go back there again.

That impending sense of knowing that I need to change, but just not knowing exactly what it is that needs changing is definitely not there anymore.

I do feel fine. I do feel better. No more irrational pressures that I or society or family is putting on me. I brush them aside.

Therapy.

It was good for me. I learned a lot about myself that I never put together or was too close to see.

I believe for the most part, it all started with me putting pressure on myself to be with someone, start a family, and make family happy.

Why? Because it was time, maybe? Because I’m that age that I should seriously be thinking about it.

And, I’m not going to lie, it’s on my mind, but I know that the time will come when the time will come. As I told my shrink when she asked would I be okay if I do end up being alone and not finding anyone, I honestly do believe that I will be okay with it.

So, why do I need to put that pressure on myself? Like I told my Chicago cohorts way back when Dan and I was there doing upgrades that I enjoy my life right now. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I have a good life, so if I do want to be someone, she better be fucking awesome.

It’s true. I love this independent life. I don’t ever feel lonely nor do I really need that kind of companionship.

So, if I do find someone, she better understands me and she better be an awesome person.

Being with Milipitas earlier this year just reinforced what I already knew, that me being in relationships don’t work. Grant it, that she was young and she wasn’t a good relationship to base anything off of, I just know that that wasn’t the kind of relationship that I wanted, nor with her.

So, I’m going to go on living my life, how I feel that I should live it and take whatever comes my way. It’s always been my philosophy in life, and I guess I had a crisis of conscience and didn’t listen to what my gut was saying.

But, my shrink and most everyone else is right in saying that I need to be open to the idea of it, which I think I am, for the most part. Still scary though.

* * *

Control.

I’m a control freak. I need control of the situation, or at least control of my life.

I didn’t realize it until we talked about it.

I think my type of control is more along the lines of I like control on my life and don’t like it when people tell me to do or try to control me.

I walk fast. I hate walking with slow people, so I just walk ahead of them and leave them behind. I’m not going to let them control my walking speed.

Vacations with groups, i.e. family, I hate it when no one can come up with something to do or eat ’cause I’m trying to be polite and consider everything. So, after the frustration of no one coming together or everyone just being slow or not coming to any compromise, I just get frustrated and just do my own thing and leave everyone. I need it.

There are times when I just need to take a step back and realize that other people are involved or that we are doing these things because of someone else and I just need to just take a step back and be okay with it.

It’s a live and let live type of thing and I guess that’s one part of my life that I still need to work on and to grow.

That’s why I enjoy traveling alone. It’s just the freedom of being to do whatever with no agenda and no compromise. Taking your time, doing whatever it is that you want to do. I love that freedom.

How other people drive? I have no control over that, so I just need to let it go, even if it doesn’t make any fucking sense or if we are going slow. Frustrating.

Time. People just taking their sweet ass time to get ready knowing that we have to be someplace at a specific time and they have no concept of time. Frustrating. I just need to let it go, which I don’t think it’ll happen.

Live and let live. Live and let live.

* * *

Independence.

INDEPENDENT.

I think the biggest revelation that I had while in therapy was why I’m so gung ho on wanting to be so independent and being so independent and fearing that I’ll lose it if I ever get into a relationship.

It was huge for me, it was a break through. Now I know about it, maybe I can be willing to let some of it go, on my terms of course, being the control freak that I am.

It all boils down to my father. I think a lot of issues that I have boils down to my father.

I just want to make him proud and I didn’t know if I did.

I’m sure that he was proud of me. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I was starting to be the kind of person that he wanted me to be and as I grew up to become the man that I am today, that it is exactly the type of man that would make him proud.

My dad is proud of me as my mom is proud of me, not being in a relationship or having a family aside.

Independence.

I need it. I hold onto it for dear life and it is all because of my father. Breakthrough.

My parents both raised my brother and me to be independent. One of the biggest things that they beat into us is to be able to do everything ourselves. You can’t rely on other people, only yourselves.

So, at a young age, my parents made us do things ourselves, like filling out paperwork and forms at doctors’ offices and such. Sure it had a lot to do with them not knowing as much English and such, but it was second nature to us to do things ourselves.

They’ll send us out to walk to the grocery store by ourselves when we needed to do buy something or to buy things for our grandparents. We always wandered and did things on our own without much supervision.

That’s our childhood.

And as a child with a father whose always gone working, you want to make them proud and to make him proud, you become the person that teach you to be, and that is an independent person.

So, when I first moved down here, there were issues with me not finding a job and a place to stay after the first summer. It was the biggest worry that my father had, but when things settled and I found a steady job and a place to stay, our relationship changed.

We talked. We just talked about things, a relationship that I’ve always wanted with him.

I made him proud. I was fully independent and that made him proud. It was the last thing that I was able to do and be for my father. It was the last thing that my father actually approved of.

The next thing to work out or he’ll slyly bring up was the relationship things. He’ll slip in little comments about having a girlfriend and what not. And he passed away before I was able to find someone. I’ll never be able to get his approval on that side.

And maybe, just maybe, that is why being in a relationship is so hard for me. I value my independence so much because it was the last thing that I was able to give to my father before he passed away.

Even if I get a girlfriend now, I’ll never get his approval or know if he would like her, so why even put in the effort.

I know this now. It was a breakthrough to me at that time, a huge epiphany. It blew my fucking mind.

Now, now that I know, maybe I stop self-sabotaging myself, if that is what I was doing. Just maybe.

But again, independence, it’s what I value.

I find it sexy. Because of that trait, it’ll bump your attractiveness up and up as that girl from Dead Horse Point has proven.

She was an all right cute blonde when I first saw her, but after we talked and she said she went off on that road trip on her own, plus she’s outdoorsy, she because just a cute girl to a fucking hot girl in seconds.

Independent. It speaks to my soul.

Like my shrink says, I just need to find someone that is very similar to myself and apparently there are girls that are like out there.

* * *

Father issues.

The root of all of my troubles.

I had so much guilt built up, years and years, that I killed my father.

It’s irrational, I know, and I knew it to be, but I believed it.

I had to. There needed to be a bad guy for the story. There had to be someone to blame, so I blamed myself. I was a martyr and narcissistic in putting all of that on myself, but I needed it.

If he didn’t want to buy a house down here so I can live in it until he retires and moves down, he wouldn’t have worked that second job. Because of me, because he worried about me, he did that and I had to be blamed.

So, I lived with that guilt ever since. There was no other possibility.

Not even the rational one of him just dying because life is shit. Shit happens. People die.

It can never be that his heart gave out because we have a family history of heart disease. No, it can’t be that, it was me. I killed him.

I have to let that go. Those are horrible irrational thoughts and reasoning.

I know that now. I see that now.

I have to believe in the truth, and that is shit happens.

That is life. It’s always been my motto.

I need to stop placing blame on myself and just let it go. We can’t control it. We can’t control life or things that are beyond our control.

I had no control in that situation, but I do have control on the guilt I feel.

I didn’t kill my father, life did.

All I can do is to remember him and love him and miss him.

I don’t know, maybe I do feel that I’ll forget him if I don’t have this guilt on me, so hold onto it like I hold onto my independence.

But, you don’t forget things that you don’t want to forget. He’ll always be with me, in my thoughts and my heart and my memories.

I have to let it go.

I have to believe the rationality of the situation.

He had a heart attack because that is what happens when you have a family history of it and you don’t know about it.

Life. Shit happens.

That’s the crux to my issues.

My father is where most of my issues stem from. Maybe, maybe changing my truths to this will help me grow to be a better person.

Just maybe.

I love you dad. I miss you dad. I hope you are proud of me.

I love you.

* * *

It’s been a little over a year of seeing my shrink and I want to thank her for helping me figure my shit out.

I certainly feel a lot better about myself and my choices that I’ve made and how I live.

No longer in that mid-life-crisis that was plaguing my thoughts and soul.

I feel freer, lighter, and better in mind, body, and spirit.

Thank you.

Hopefully I can bring this new found clarity into the next year and make it something spectacular.

* * *

It’s just a few days away before holiday break starts and that’s when I’ll get into my yearly diatribes of bah humbug.

Looking back, this year has definitely been a surprise for me and I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about, and I’m sure many things will be about what I wrote today.

Looking forward to it.

Rain falls, floating down in a mist of droplets, wetting the floor below.

It is a nice day, quiet and cold. It is a perfect day to be home and just not deal with people or work.

I sit here in my usual, trying to brainstorm, but my thoughts and mind brings my attention to world outside and the falling precipitation.

There’s a chaotic beauty in the falling rain. There’s a peace that I sorely miss.

These are reminders of home and of a different place, a different season. These are reminders that not all things are sunshine and clear skies.

Beautiful.

Rain falls.

* * *

It is approaching that time of the year again, the end of the year.

It is time for me to reread all of my posts and try to think and reflect over the past year. What have I learned? Have I grown? Have I become a better person?

Sure, a lot of things that happened this year and being in therapy for so long, there are many things that I have learned about myself, good and bad that I’m sure that I’ll want to work on and improve.

It is what I always believe, never stop growing and never stop learning. Find the better you. Keep peeling back the layers.

Hopefully I can look back and say that I am happier and that I am a better person after everything that happened this past year.

Who knows?

Who knows, indeed?

It always seems that around this time, especially with this weather, I become more reflective and more withdrawn from people. I am fully embracing my hermitude and I have no shame in that. I have no problem with that.

It’s just a part of me and who I am and I don’t know if there is anyone out there that will understand or can deal with it.

Many people may see it as a very solitary life, but that’s what it is about being a hermit, a loner; you’re always alone and you are okay with that.

Like I told Cynthia, I really don’t need companionship. I have my companionship in my pets. They keep me company. I have Scott who, even though we only talk once every few weeks and that’s all I really need. I don’t need anything more.

Maybe it is just something I tell myself, I don’t know, but I feel perfectly content with what I have.

So, it is time. It is time to be reflective and start rereading.

It is just time to see how much I have grown.

The next few weeks until I’m up north and doing my yearly bah humbug, it’ll be time to just reread and reflect.

Tired.

The weight of fatigue showers my body, drowning me in a listless haze as I try to put synapse firing into typing words.

I came out here to get back to routine after spending a few days at my aunt’s and cousin’s in the Bay Area for Thanksgiving.

I’m tired.

I got sick from staying at a house of recovering relatives.

It’ll last a day or two, but eventually I’ll get back to normal.

* * *

I was supposed to continue writing my pages this weekend, but I had to postpone it for another week because of this. I can’t even put thoughts into words nor even brainstorm or see the next few scenes.

I have an idea or a general direction as to where I need to go, but I just can’t today. It’s not going to happen today. Not today.

Even these words don’t make much sense nor are they any good.

I’ll have to manage.

* * *

Tired.

The drive up north was stressful.

I don’t think I have hated driving so much in my life as I was stuck behind late holiday travelers who thought they’d hit the road early to get to the bay area like me.

They just don’t know how to drive as I was stuck behind brake tappers and just inconsiderate drivers who like to cruise stroll in the passing lane like they are no other drivers on the road.

By two hours into the drive, I was ready to stop and grab a drink. Whiskey. Liquor. Libations. I needed it.

But when I got to my destination, things go better.

I settled down and just caught up with Cynthia and just chatted.

We talked about everything from my shrink, to me not wanting to be in a relationship and how my mom cries because her sons haven’t provided her with any grandchildren yet.

We talked about children and how I want them, but not necessarily a relationship and how I have looked into adopting and what that entails.

Out of everyone in my family, she’s the one that knows more about what is happening in my life.

We talked about my brother and how I saw so much great change in him and also about my father and how feel guilty about his death and how going to the shrink is helping me through that issue.

We talked about how she was doing, how her mom and her siblings were doing. It was a good talk, a chat, a tete-a-tete that was much needed.

It was just great to do that, to spend that time with family.

My aunt for the most part seemed fine, as she seemed really happy to have seen me at dinner. But it seems that she’s non-stop keeping busy, not resting or sitting, but always having to do something. I agree with Cynthia that she thinks it is a way for her mom to distract herself from everything.

It was kind of funny how Auntie told Cynthia to cook me dinner that night, thinking that she would be so rude as to make me fend for myself. It was also funny that Auntie called later that night to see if I had eaten, if not to go over to her place to eat.

Funny.

Family will always be family and I am glad that I am able to have that connection with them.

Like I said in many earlier posts of mine, I am the connecting point of all family; those of the west coast, the south, and those on the east coast.

Maybe that’s why me wanting a family is so important to me and not necessarily having a relationship.

* * *

Tired.

Sick.

Fatigued.

I can’t put thoughts into words. All things are elusive.

Healing. Slowly, but surely, the rational is pushing the irrational aside.

Slow and steady it is making its way into my consciousness. How long do I have to go? I don’t know.

I’ve always been a rational creature. I’m very pragmatic. It just makes sense.

Time to make a change.

* * *

Tired.

The day moves slow. Seconds tick by in what feel like minutes, hours. Time slows while you are sick so you can feel every extended second in misery. Pain. Ill.

* * *

I can’t put any thoughts together and to think I thought I would be able to actually do any creative writing today, working on my script and what not.

That is not the case when all that fills my thoughts is sleep.

Oh the beautiful comfort of my bed, caressing the sore tired body. Oh, the tenderness of being horizontal, curled up in fetal.

Oh my bed, my bed!

* * *

Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you.

It is time and you know it. It time.

* * *

Here I am, back at it again, not doing what I’m supposed to do.

There’s just a lot on my mind, and most of it has to do with Pickles. Lately he’s been having some incontinence issues, more so than usual so I wanted to get him checked out. I took him to the vet again and again for more and more tests and finally, today should be the last test.

The vet suspects that he might have Addison’s disease, which basically boils down to low testosterone ’cause one of his glands aren’t working properly. Reading the symptoms, he doesn’t have many of the symptoms, besides the incontinence.

Pickles isn’t lethargic, doesn’t vomit or have diarrhea, unless there’s a specific reason for it, like getting into food he shouldn’t be getting into.

So, as of right now, the final tally of vet bill is about $800+ and my pet insurance won’t cover for any of it because I have changed it down to accident coverage only because the premiums are outrageous. I’m going to have to cancel his policy tomorrow, ’cause there’s really no point in continuing it since most of the things that he’ll go in for wont’ be covered and I’m already paying a lot out of pocket.

So, policy will be gone.

All this time, I’m mad at Pickles because he’s costing me so much money even though he’s not at fault. He didn’t do anything. He just might have this disease and it is beyond his control, but I’m still mad at him, ’cause it is getting expensive.

Selfish. I’m just selfish. I just need to focus on Pickles and hope that he’ll be okay after everything and that he’ll be fine, whether he does have Addison’s or not.

I won’t get the test results back until tomorrow or Tuesday and Pickles is still at the vet. He was so scared and not having any of it when they took him away.

If he does have Addison’s care should be simple. He’ll have to take steroid supplements daily, I believe, and he’ll need to get monthly shots.

He’s getting old and this is what happens. I just need to allow for it.

It is beyond my control and I just have to deal with it and to just let it go.

Just let it go.

* * *

For some reason, it seems I’m just having more and more judgmental thoughts and I don’t for the life of me understand why. It is definitely bothering me and I just need to stop it.

Just stop it.

I don’t like this, so I just need to stop it.

* * *

I’m supposed to be working on my script today, working it out with Scott that my 10 pages aren’t due next week but in two weeks instead ’cause I do want to update the pages that I have because of what was discussed at the writer’s group yesterday.

The group was good. I had a good time discussing Scott’s script and dissecting Danya’s idea for her script and then just listening to the critique and taking notes for my script. They were good notes and I do see the problems that they had and I’ll make changes accordingly, but there are some that I will still want to keep.

I’ll just see what happens when I do it and I still need to focus on the last half of the script, working out the logistics and everything.

But, I think I can manage and finish it at the pace that I am currently going. I don’t see why I wouldn’t finish it.

* * *

Addison’s is something that humans can’t get also. I’m a hypochondriac and now I’m wondering if I have it since I feel so lethargic, but I don’t vomit or have diarrhea or be dehydrated.

I think I just need to not think about that.

* * *

I missed my chance. I had an opportunity and I totally dropped it. Man, what was I thinking?

Things had always been awkward between her and me anyway, but it seems that things are getting easier. She’s easier to talk to or to even start talking too. There’s no shyness or even any awkwardness. There is some semblance of playfulness in our interactions, but most of it, no.

But I definitely had an opportunity and I missed it. Damn my brain. Curse it.

I asked to borrow her laptop so I can do a speedtest on the wifi in a particular area of the second floor and the first thing she says to me is to not laugh.

I grabbed it and looked at the group picture that was on her screen. It was a group of creatives and production people all dressed in white and her sitting in the front, wearing a weird little blue shirt. I didn’t even recognize her really, but thinking back, it was her.

“Do I get it?” I shook my head, nope. She points to someone, “What’s that?”

“Grace”

“No, what color?”

“White.”

Now, she points to her shirt, “That?”

I shook my head. No clue. It’s her in a “space shirt”. The shirt is a very piss poor representation of space. It was in shades of blue with a comet or a big white shooting star floating across the chest.

And I’m like, okay. Sure. Space. So, what do we have when we put it all together, “White Space”. Our new motto, our new direction. “It’s very abstract” she said. No shit.

“Do you know how lucky it was for me to have a space shirt?” she asked.

And it was then and there that I missed my chance. I missed my opportunity. I didn’t think of it till this morning, a full over 12 hours later. Damn, I’m losing it in my old age.

I should have said, “Why do you have a space shirt? Is it because you are out of this world?” It’s fucking cheesy as hell, but I have no shame. I’m prone to cheesiness and it is what I’m known for.

Fucking ass, I lost the moment. I lost the opportunity.

Damn.

But, c’est la vie. I’m sure I’ll get other interactions. Ahhh….until next time, I guess.

* * *

I am supposed to be writing my pages today, right now, adding more to my already steady growing collection of pages on my current script. I have incentivized myself to write more and I am supposed to be writing, but I’m not.

I’m finger tapping this out instead, stretching my fingers, prepping my mind to problem solve my next set of scenes and pages.

I’m biding time, I’m procrastinating.

I’m free writing to get back into it, having taking the week off of not thinking about it. It is time to get back to it.

Pages are due tomorrow for the writer’s group next week.

Let’s see how many more pages I get.

* * *

I’m hungry. I’m actually hungry, like right now, really hungry.

At least I have lunch and dinner already planned out so I can just get to it when I get back to the apartment, but it is really distracting.

* * *

This is what happens when you decide to procrastinate and blog when you really have nothing to blog about.

I don’t have much to say, but I have already committed to this thing and I’m not quitting. Just not yet.

Food.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written that post about wanting to be happy, choosing to be happy, to face reality and to change how I should see the death of my father to less of it being my fault to the reality of shit just happened and he died.

There’s no meaning behind it. It’s life.

Existentialism. It is just life.

How do I feel? I don’t know. I know that some thoughts drift in and out and I just shake them out of my head, not wanting to think, to ponder, or even to consider those thoughts.

Hopefully I shake them off enough that I won’t be thinking about them anymore and they’ll just be in the past and I’m moved on.

Hopefully.

I guess that’s what I’ll discuss with my shrink tomorrow, how to shift and change that perspective when it has been canon and truth for so long. How indeed.

We shall see.

* * *

Deflated, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I should be happy for her and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen anyway, but it’s just within my nature to hold out hope.

I can’t expect anything to happen when nothing happened to begin with.

But let’s hope that it is easier to move on.

Out of sight, out of mind.

All the best. All the best.

* * *

Change.

Evolution.

Growth.

I’ve been writing about it so much and it comes so slowly that it just makes me wonder when it’ll all stop.

When will I stop growing? When will I finally find what I’m supposed to be? When?

It’s a matter of time and I’m just really impatient.

Very impatient.

The world is moving a little too slow, or I’m just moving a little too slow to where I want to be in my life.

It’s not that I’m unhappy or unsatisfied. It’s not.

I am actually really happy in my life, living how I want to live, even though it is such a sedentary life, but it is my life to live.

But I don’t know, sometimes I feel that there should be more.

I understand I’m in control of it and it is what I make of it and I guess I’m at a point where I’m happy to live this life and not want to make any more of it.

But there’s that part of me, that nagging part of me that wants something more, someone to call my own, or someone to cuddle with, or just some body to be with.

I think a lot of it has to do with how horny I am.

I don’t know, I guess I just want something casual, or someone who is willing to give me the amount of freedom that I want.

But no woman would want something like that.

Blah, I don’t know what it is that I want.

It’s been a long three weeks since my last session with my shrink and this morning our discussion came back to my father again. I asked her what my issue was and she said that I had this problem of doing things that is good for me, but feel guilty because it isn’t what is best for family and I’m just irrationally imposing the guilt and pressure on myself.

Eventually and of course, it all boils down to my father and how I feel guilty about being responsible or believing that I am responsible for his death, as irrational as that is, I feel that way. I sometimes still believe that I am the reason that he died. I am the reason that he picked up that second job and eventually worked himself to death.

I’m the bad guy of the story. I’m the reason why my dad died and therefore, I shouldn’t ever be happy. That’s my penance, which is my sentence. I should never be happy because of it.

It’s irrational.

That’s how I felt and that’s what I believed for so long that it became a truth. It became something that I lived with, ingrained in the fragile psyche of mine to make sense of things. I’m the bad guy. I caused this and I have to live with the consequences. I’ll never be happy again.

That’s why I can never be happy. That’s why I can never believe that my father, that my parents are proud of me. That’s why I can never be truly happy even though I am living my life on my own terms and actually genuinely enjoy living a life alone.

If I take my family out of the equation and just look at my life and how I am living it, I am truly happy. I love being on my own with nothing but my thoughts, books, entertainment, and my adoring pets to keep me company. I love that I go out and socialize on my own terms. If friends want to go out and do something that I don’t want to do, I don’t go. I do things on my own terms.

I love the fact that I am independent and am able to just pick up and go on a road trip by myself or just venture off and do things on my own without anyone. I love that. That makes me happy. I’m happy that I’m able to travel and that I do travel.

I should be happy. I am, if we take away my family and the pressures of finding someone, settling down, and having children. But, I hold onto it.

I am able to dismiss other people’s inquiries and not care about what other people think on that issue or any issue of how I live my life, but when it comes to family and their expectations, I have a problem.

Growing up, I guess I was always the filial son, wanting to do what my parents wanted, to make them happy. My biggest fear was disappointing my family, especially my dad and there are times when I do feel that I have disappointed them because I’m 35, not married and no children. I disappoint them because I don’t want any of that right now. I can’t see myself having any of that.

My shrink says if I continue on this way of irrational thinking, I’ll never be truly fully happy because if I chose this solitary life, the life that I love right now, I’ll always feel that guilt.

I have to see the other side. I have to throw away the guilt. I have to just be rational.

I have to rewrite the truth that I have created and just see the plain rational truth of everything.

I did not kill my father. I did not disappoint him. I made my dad proud. He would be definitely proud of the man that I have become today. He would have loved and be proud of who I became.

He’d love me. I’m a man who, deep down, is a genuinely good guy. I’m independent and respectful of my elders and my family. I love my family. I have a good job. He would love me.

My father would definitely be proud of me.

I need to see that. I need to believe that. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn’t be except for my irrational need to put this guilt on myself because I believed I was to blame for his passing.

So, let’s make a pact with myself, that I should just see the rational truth in all things, especially when it relates to my father passing away.

I did not kill my father. There’s no reasonable explanation as to why he passed away so young. There’s nothing that will make me understand why. I just have to live with the fact that shit happens in life.

My dad passed away from a heart attack because heart disease runs in my family. He didn’t take care of himself, in terms of exercising, watching his diet, and resting.

He worked two full time jobs, because he was bored. I have to believe that.

That is the truth. That is the new truth as to why things happened.

I was just down here, finding myself, doing what was best for me because I needed fixing. I didn’t do it. I didn’t kill my dad.

I shouldn’t feel this guilt. The only thing that I should feel is just pure loss.

The only thing that I was responsible for was not truly believing that he was proud of me.

I should believe what his boss said, that he was very proud of me, moving down to LA on my own and doing my own thing. He was proud of me.

I have to believe that. He was proud of me and should be proud of me.

There’s no fingers to point, no one to blame. He had a heart attack. That’s life. Shit happens. My motto.

Be rational. Just be rational and think this through. I am smart enough to see that. Take away the blame. Stop punishing myself.

Just stop.

I deserve better. I deserve to live my life guilt free. I deserve to be happy and this guilt that I am imposing on myself blocks that happiness.

So, stop it. Just stop it.

It is time. I have suffered enough.

It is time to just let it go and take away the biased blinders and see things how they were.

Dad got a heart attack and died. That was it. It’s just that simple. I had nothing to do with his death. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t cause it. Stop blaming and stop pointing fingers. There’s no one at fault.

There’s no bad guy.

Shit happens. C’est la vie. That’s life.

Let it go.

It is time.

There’s no forgiving because I didn’t do anything wrong. Stop blaming myself.

I knew him and knowing that I miss him is enough. There’s no need to punish myself or make up these stories as to why it had to happen. It just happened.

Let it go. It’s not my fault. There’s no one to blame.

Let it go.

Just stop.

Stop.

Let it go.

It is time to heal. It is time to be okay. It is time to allow myself to be happy.

It is just fucking time for this. I have punished myself long enough.

Enjoy life.

That’s what Dad would have wanted. That’s what Dad wants.

I keep saying that I am a lot like him in so many ways and I think that if I was in Dad’s shoes, I would want the same, for me to be happy and to live in the way that makes you happy.

No pressure. No guilt.

Dad was proud. You know he was. You can hear it in his voice. Believe in that. You hear it from what others says.

Believe in that. You have no reason to doubt them.

They are genuine sentiments.

It is time. Stop punishing yourself, Phong. Just stop.

It’s time to live your life guilt free and allow yourself to be happy.

You are the one in control. I am in control.

It is only you who can allow yourself to be happy.

I allow myself to be happy. I set myself free.

You just have to put aside all of these bullshit irrational baseless pessimistic and self-deprecating sentiments and ideas and just take things as what they are.

Life happened. Dad’s heart gave up because he didn’t take care of himself. He was proud of you when he passed away and you know it, you hear it, you see it. He was proud. He’s proud of you now. He just wants you to be happy, no matter what.

Just allow yourself to be.

Rewrite your truth, to just the truth.

Stop blaming yourself. Be rational.

Let it go.

Just let it go.

You know it is the right thing to do. You know it is, so just do it.

Just stop doing this to yourself and just allow yourself to live and be happy.

It’ll be hard. I’ll be difficult to give up those guilty feelings and that self-imposed heavy burden, but it is the right thing to do.

It’ll take some adjustment, but it’ll be right.

It’ll be right.

I did not kill my father.

You won’t even need to learn to forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. I did no wrong.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I am just an innocent that got in the crossfire of life. Shit happened.

Just grieve and move on.

I’ll be all right. I’ll be happier.

You know you see it. You know this is right. You just have to allow yourself to believe it.

The choice is yours. The choice is mine.

It is time. It is definitely time to stop punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.

Just stop it.

So, remember today. Today you start healing.

Today you start living a guilt free life.

Today you allow yourself to be happy.

Today, I chose to be happy.

Today.

Writer’s block. It’s happening again.

Or did it ever go away? When was the last time that I got inspired and wrote non-stop with anything creative? I don’t know. It’s been a long time since those first 25 pages in my script.

Now, there’s just only a little bit added to it, and that is about it. I stare at the page, the blinking cursor and I see the scene in my head, how everything transpire, but I stop. I can’t write. I can’t put those images to words.

Something holds me back and I really can’t put my mind on it. Something is stopping me from the free flowing-ness of creating something, typing something, putting words on screen like I can do with these little diatribes so easily.

Blocked.

Procrastinating.

Fear.

I’m too in my head, trying to figure everything out and I need to stop that. Stop all logic and just write.

Write dammit. Write.

I need to get something out. I need to write it out. I need to do.

Don’t waste words or time typing out something that means nothing, or do. If it is shit, your group will let you know that it is shit and you change it ’cause deep inside you know it is shit also.

Just write dammit. You fucker, just write.

Write.

* * *

Mind and brain things.

We have scaled back my therapy to every other week. I guess I made progress and I honestly do feel that I have made progress.

I don’t feel the same stuckness that I felt when I first started.

For the most part, I do feel like myself, being always fatigued aside.

I think I just need to be more active and I’m not, especially when I’m working, sitting on my ass all day. I need to be more active, get more energy.

I never felt tired during the Utah trip. I was bustling with energy, even after a long day’s hike. I slept horribly in the hotel room, get up and do it all over again and I feel fine.

Pressure and rut. Falling into the trap that because I’m a certain age I have to be somewhere in my life.

Not true. I’m 35, single, and I enjoy being single. I enjoy independent life and living on my own and through this self-searching journey of therapy, I realized that I am not ready to give that up yet. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship yet and I shouldn’t force myself to be in one because I feel pressured that I should be at a certain phase in my life because I’m of a certain age and that everyone around me is already there.

I need to stop that.

Enjoy this freedom and explore like you do.

Live my life, on my own terms.

That had always been me. I do what my gut says and I do what I want. I always have.

Sure I have these nagging voices in my head and my personal demons that tell me to do other things, I just have to ignore them. Push them out of my head.

I just need to live on my own terms.

The happiest moments in my life is just me living. They are moments of when I wanted to do something, go somewhere, and just doing it. No questions asked, no waiting on someone, but just doing.

I wanted to do Utah. I went. I decided on a whim to do Tokyo, within a day, it was mostly planned. I wanted to do SE Asian, I made it happen. Niagara Falls, done.

Making plans and doing it. Just living.

It just feels good to just do what I set out to do in terms of my life, because they were my choices and no one telling me what to do.

Live.

Live with the freedom that I have and that I just value so much.

I’m sure much of this need for independence does stem from losing my father and that the last thing that I was able to give him was me being independent and taking care of myself.

My parents always raised me that way. Don’t rely on anyone to help you. Do everything on your own. Work hard for your things.

Nothing was ever handed to me. I worked and paid my dues and it was a long long process to get to where I am in my life right now. It was a very long time and as I told my shrink, why rush it.

Don’t rush it. Enjoy it. Enjoy my time doing whatever it is that I want to do.

Chicago in winter is booked. Next up, Iceland. Northern Lights. My first international trip on my own. Bucket list.

Done. Checked.

Just do. Think of what you want to do and just do.

* * *

I’m not a fan of dating. Just not for me, especially online dating. Just never worked for me and I guess me being in the place where I am now, I never put in the full effort ’cause I am just not ready for it.

I’m sure there will be a time when I will be ready for it and maybe I’ll put in a better effort, but right now, I’m just going to put off any ideas that I need to be with someone, to start a family, to have kids, any thoughts like that and just push them away. Kill them. Kill those ideas. They are just detrimental to any kind of happiness in my life.

* * *

Besides my constant need of independence and the deep deep fear of losing it because of a relationship, I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I am.

I want control.

I like control.

Maybe it is because things will go my way or maybe it is the whole being taught to do everything on my own thing.

I have no clue, but whenever I’m with people that are doing things that can be done better, not to my liking, I get annoyed.

Control.

Never really thought that I would be, but it does make sense. I guess it just take some therapy to finally get it through my head.

People walking too slow. People driving too slow. Annoying.

* * *

Be open to the possibility.

Just be open to the possibility of change, or someone in my life. If I do find someone that I like, who seems independent, and is willing to give me space, or someone who is a lot like me in terms of independence, be open to that person. Don’t cut them out.

But I just need to be totally aware of the person first and not be so oblivious as to when girls like me and such.

I’m horrible at that. Just horrible.

Just be open.

* * *

So, the plan of action. Live and be open to possibilities.

Open to meeting someone like Liz, the girl I met at Dead Horse Point, on her own personal road trip to explore the wilderness from via Toronto.

Again, once she told me that she was doing this on her own, she went from a cute average girl to hot damn you are so fucking hot and sexy right now, marry me type of girl.

Independent girls, they get me going.

I guess it makes sense. I value my independence, I love my independence. It’s one of the most important things in my life that I value so highly. I would be attracted to someone who feels the same or is the same.

Independence.

Live and be open.

LIVE AND BE OPEN.

* * *

Food.

I love to eat and I constantly think of food.

Not just food that I can go out and eat, but foods that I can cook.

I think I’ve been just cooking a lot lately. It’s something to help me relax, to fill the time, and something to just nourish me.

I guess I just need another creative outlet in my life since my photography and my writing had taken a backseat to what it was before.

Those are things that I definitely need to get back into, especially photography. I just need to do it. No excuses. Just do it.

But I think food is a good replacement. A good skill to just know and perfect.

Plus, I need to save money and stop eating out.

And I need to eat healthier. This way, at least I know what is going into my body and I have some semblance of control over it. I’m still not as diligent as I should be in terms of not eating out, but it works right now.

* * *

Blah, I need new clothes.

Winter clothes and regular clothes.

But at the moment, the pressing thing is some winter clothes for Chicago. Something warm so I can just bundle up and then maybe some outdoor winter clothes for Iceland. Clothes. Money. Blah.

I guess my new suit can wait until next year, closer to Dat’s wedding.

I’ll figure it out.

* * *

The life.

I am living it.

I am living a life that I love, doing whatever it is that I want.

I get to travel and explore.

I guess my shrink is right in that sense, that I am doing what many people would be envious of, to just work, save money and just travel and see the world.

Those are big accomplishments. Those are things that many dream of and strive for.

I am doing it and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

Be happy about it.

You are living the dream and living the life that you always wanted.

Enjoy it while you can.

Be in the moment and stop thinking about stupid shit that you have no control over.

Just live.