The darkness was bright.

The silence was loud.

Who would have thought that those were so pronounced during my short two-hour experience in a sensory deprivation tank?

Float Lab, located in Westwood, is the closes float tank next to me. I’ve wanted to try a sensory deprivation experience for a while now and watching a few BuzzFeed videos, I’ve decided to look into it.

I booked my appointment earlier in the week and today was the day.

Overall, it was an interesting experience. I didn’t know what to expect with the experience. I understood the concept, but I didn’t know how my body and most importantly my mind would take it.

Would I freak out and get claustrophobic? Would my mind wander down some dark places or would it find stillness in the void and reach a level of Nirvana? I didn’t know.

How was the experience? It was…interesting.

I would do it again.

I’ve been sick most of the week since I started with the Whole30 diet. My body is fighting the low-carb flu as it finds ketosis and I’m still recovering from that. I’m not at 100%, plus my neck had been so fucked up that it hurts. I have a chiropractic appointment next week to help relieve the pain.

I’m sure that if I was at 100% health that my experience would have been a little more different.

One thing that I didn’t expect was how much you feel your body while in the tank. I felt every muscle sore and joint creak.

For most of the two hours that I floated, all I felt was my neck and how much it hurt. As I moved my legs, stretching them, bending them, I felt the joint pains and the tightness of my muscles. It brought to attention how fucked up and how tense my body was.

Also, I had to pee. Fuck, I had to pee so bad that I almost peed in the pool, but I held it. Just when I felt that I needed to relieve myself, the knock came to let me know that my time was up.

Next time, no water. Don’t drink anything before, only after.

* * *

My body was loud even though it can’t speak.

Different parts of it screamed at me for attention. My bladder pounded and pressed, wanting to be relieved.

My knees creaked as I adjusted my legs. My neck ached as it found its balance. My limbs screamed at phantom contact, thinking that they touched the wall, when there was nothing there.

There’s nothing to focus on in there but your body.

I focused on my breathing. In. Out. In out in out.

In.

Out.

Each breath loud in my head. Each breath reverberates an echo, like a cycle and each exhale was like a gale force wind blowing past my ears.

Loud.

Stomach noises ping my ears with its burps and movements.

In the end, my body was an orchestra playing its distinct symphony of a half-broken man, hoping to change its tune.

* * *

Mind wanderings.

It was fine. It was safe.

I kept mindfulness, being present, trying not to let my mind wander down any rabbit holes or paths that I didn’t want to go or know that I wouldn’t be able to get control of it again.

It was safe.

It focused on the breathing. It focused on the experience, taking in any sensations and observations and making notes.

I saw a lot of green in the dark; then the colors muted to gray dancing clouds in front of my eyes like the Aurora Borealis.

The water and tank was warm, hot even when I first entered, but then cooled as our temperatures found each other.

Notes and observations. My mind took in everything.

It wandered from time to time….

My father. My life. Am I happy? Girls, infatuations…but the wandering was minimal.

Time.

I wondered about time. How long has it been? How much time did I had left?

I was surprised at how much my mind didn’t wander. Very surprised, but it did wander some as there was a moment when I felt that I drifted off to a restful sleep, dreaming of random flickerings that only the subconscious could do.

Those were short and random.

* * *

Spinning.

In the pitch-black, no visual reference, floating in a vast empty void, my mind did at times believe that I was in a vastness of emptiness.

At times, I felt that I was slowly spinning in a circle like a leaf in a still pond. It rotates without a care, but I was still in the water.

It was a very strange feeling, being able to let go reality and believing in that lie.

I think next time, I should allow myself to lose control and not focus on anything. I think because it was the first time, I felt that I needed to take everything in and see if I like what was happening.

I did enjoy the moments of floating and letting go, embracing that feeling of being in nothing. It was nice. It was calm.

* * *

Stretching. Finding place.

There were times when I would just float to the side of the pool and that throws you off and you fight to center yourself or to a point in the pool where you are just floating in emptiness again. Those are the times when it takes you out of everything and you try to get back.

But then there are times near the end when you just stretch to see what happens. You contort your body into different shapes to see what happens. You get listless.

I was there near the end, that listlessness. I think if I was stuck in that mindset for another hour I would have lost it and would have gone to dark places. But in the end, I knew that I had control. I chose to be there and I had the ability to get myself out of it.

* * *

The end.

Leaving.

I showered and walked up the stairs and then out into the world again.

The world was the same as I left it, if not a little brighter and a little louder, but with a sense of calm and serenity.

Even now, my body still feels calm. My mind feels calm. Relaxed.

I’m plugged into the world, in my devices, with all of its distractions that I am comfortable with. There’s no anxiety, but a tranquil veil of normalcy.

I like this feeling.

There’s no pressure. There’s no fear.

Zen.

We’re just nine days in. Nine!

In nine days, he pretty much turned America upside down. In nine days, he set out to do everything that he promised on the campaign trail and I have to admit, he’s actually fucking doing it. He’s actually following through on his promises.

I don’t know if I should be impressed or not. I set the bar so low on his presidency that I didn’t know what to expect. He’s a wildcard, a man who’s so into his persona that is all he shows.

I thought he might be different from that once he takes office. There was a bit of optimism in me that he’ll become an actual human being and let his persona and whatever facade that he puts up to get the votes fade away and actually be presidential.

I was wrong. We’re just fucking nine days in. Fucking NINE.

The world is upside down. The nation is in an uproar over his executive orders.

At the rate that he’s going, I don’t think he’ll last six months before he gets kicked out of the office.

Whatever optimism I had for his presidency is now gone and realism sunk in.

We’re fucked.

I’m just going to let things go like I normally do and just go on about my life. On a micro level, my life won’t change. My day-to-day won’t change.

I’ll follow up on the news to be informed, but I won’t be incensed like the rest of the nation is. I’ll sit back and just laugh at the joke that is now the Presidency of the United States of America.

America has lost its North Star and now in a downward spiral.

Trump will be the last greatest American President. After a few more months, I don’t think there will be an “America” that I recognize anymore.

Sigh.

Welcome to politics.

Welcome to the new America.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year!

Gung Hay Fat Choi!

It’s the year of the Rooster and from everything that I read, it’ll be an okay year, but no relationships! Status quo.

Another year of status quo and I’m quite okay with that. Very okay with that.

* * *

There have been so many protests and marches because of Trump in his first nine days than I have ever fucking seen.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Holy fucking hell.

* * *

I’m at a point where I’m just reading up on the news and anticipating what is next.

It’ll definitely be something ridiculous.

‘murica!

* * *

Tarot.

Readings.

I’m the type of the person who likes to believe in signs and destiny and all that mumbo jumbo bullshit. It’s entertainment and at times entertaining with some of the predictions that happens. It is what it is.

These are things that one should take with a grain of salt.

But what if the whole aura and personal energy of the mystics are true and each and every one emits their energy out into the world to be read and mingled with the Earth’s and the cosmos’s energy and they determine your fate and destiny? What if?

Again, grain of salt.

There’s a receptionist at my work who does readings. She’s in tune with the mystics and from time to time I’ll take readings from her. These are simple readings, no formations or what not. Just think about a question and pull a card.

I’ve even had MD pull a few cards for me.

Of course, whenever I pull a card I want to know about love or about a girl, but it seems that all the cards that I pull are great cards. But they don’t apply to my question in hand.

They seem more about my state of mind or my state of being and where I am in my life. They all describe my life and how I am feeling, which is confident, balanced, direction, I have a path, etc. etc.

They are all great things and they all apply to my life right now. I am experiencing all of these things and am in a great place in my life.

With this positive energy, how does it apply to the questions that I asked.

From what I can gather, live my life as I am living now. Follow this path and don’t force anything. Things will happen when it happens. I have a direction; I have a path in my life and I just have to let it happen.

Don’t force it.

So, I should just let things happen organically. It’s not like I am a man of inaction, I am a man of security. It must feel right and it must feel secure and sometimes that takes time to figure out.

Or maybe that’s just me telling myself that I am on the right track but that I’m afraid and therefore I don’t act.

* * *

The year just started and I’m already thinking about my birthday trip already. I would like to do another short getaway to nature and I am thinking the Carlsbad Caverns National Park in Carlsbad, NM.

It’ll be a 13 hour or so drive. I think the question for me to figure out is what days that I want to take off and how I should plan the drive, whether I should just take one day to drive there and one day to drive back and two days at the caves OR take two days to drive there, two days at the cave, and then one day to drive back.

I’m sure I’ll have everything figured out when the times gets closer and I have a better understanding of how much time I have off for everything. I still need to keep our European Trip in mind when planning my trips along with possible work trips.

The work trips are iffy because they aren’t any major renovation or upgrades. Most of the work are setting up new users and that can be taken care of from SM.

I just want to leave it open in case there is a need for me to travel, but in all honesty, Carel will probably be handling these travels if there is a need. Of course he will.

* * *

At the moment, my little health scare that I had before and during the break seems to be over.

I checked my blood pressure today and it seems to be back to normal. I have my physical on Wednesday and hope that everything checks out okay.

I do want to get my stomach issues looked at more closely ’cause it is definitely fucking with me and I don’t understand why. It’s pissing me the fuck off. What’s wrong with me?

With the new year and the issues I had, I started to run when I got back into town. It lasted three days. My knee started to hurt. It’s the usual knee pain that I’ve had most of my life.

Fuck my knees. I stopped running and to let it heal and I still haven’t run since then.

I’ve been doing yoga at home instead. I’m slowly working my way into it again. I found a series of videos on YouTube and I’ve been doing that. We’re taking it slow, which is good for me. I’m getting good stretches in my body, but I still need to find ways to get my heart rate up, more cardio that is low impact on my knees.

Maybe yoga is all I need. I don’t know, but I need to focus on my health. That’ll be one of my projects this year. Better health.

I am getting old and I should worry and focus on living a healthier lifestyle.

Maybe I should change my diet. I haven’t decided yet.

Honestly, it’s not like my diet is horrible. It’s actually not bad. I cook about 6 nights of the week using whole ingredients and limit my intake of processed foods. I’m getting into the habit of making things from scratch if I can.

It’s good.

I don’t eat a lot of red meat. I do eat it, but not as much as I use to, just a few times a month and I’m adding more and more veggies to my diet.

Wheat. That’s the big question. Is it bad for me? Do I have an actual problem with gluten?

I don’t think so, but I have been eating a lot more bread than I normally do and it’s because I’m in the habit of baking.

I should do the no carb thing or at least no wheat and dairy and no corn and peas for a month and see how I feel. It’ll be a true Whole 30 diet.

After the Chinese New Year. February. That’ll be the time to do it since I will have more control over my diet then.

Let’s see.

* * *

Hipster.

The tarot reader asked if I was a hipster the other day. MD came to my defense and said I am my own person.

Hipster.

I am not a hipster. I don’t see myself as a hipster. There is really nothing NOTHING hipster about me, but most everyone thinks I am one.

Offended.

Very offended.

WHY?

I don’t think I dress like a hipster. I dress more like a preppy dude then a hipster, but I guess the lines are blurred and I don’t understand it.

I don’t have the temperament or the attitude of a hipster.

I don’t do things just to be original or like particular things just to be different.

I will never understand it.

I guess I’ll have to find someone to talk to who don’t know me much and ask how they see me, ’cause I honestly don’t fucking get it.

I don’t fucking get it.

Well, not really erotica live.

Over the break I found a new podcast, My Dad Wrote a Porno.

The premise is simple, one of the hosts’ father wrote some erotica, Belinda Blinked, and every week, he’ll read a chapter to his two friends and record their reactions and commentary.

Hilarious.

It’s a great podcast and it got me to wonder if there any good legitimate erotica that is modern day or even YA.

After a Google search, there are quite a few.

I haven’t read any of them of course, but it piqued my interest to write my own. I have zero faith in it being good, but it is something worth looking into.

I’ll self-publish it on amazon prime as an ebook or something. Who knows?

I just have to figure out a story, or should I just write and a story would develop. It’s one of those things, me being a writer, I have no clue about. Outlining is important to get a story structure, but then again, I’m a bad writer.

Maybe it’ll be something that I’ll incorporate into my prose project from last year. Too much to think about.

I know I do want to be published and it is just time to fucking do things.

Should I use a pen name? Maybe with the erotica, I should.

Lots of research now.

The first entry.

This is the first full entry that I wrote in the new year. The last one, posted on the first was started well before, so, this is the first.

The good news, the great Hope at work happened. We got some major new business and the next three months will be hectic with bringing on a flood of new people and preparing the agency for the new work.

Also, the Teams Task Force is going all out with a trial of MS Teams and I’ll be a big part of it for training and troubleshoot.

I find it funny that there are quite a few people in the task force don’t understand the scope of the project. They all insist on making it a comparison with Slack when that shouldn’t be the case. It should be whether MS Teams is a good and efficient tool in doing work and nothing else. If it is, then great. If it isn’t, then we’ll have to pass.

So, work is going to be crazy, but it’ll be a good crazy and things are looking up and up. Let’s just hope the economy doesn’t tank under the new administration.

Hope.

* * *

The New Year.

It’s going and I’m going along with it.

I’ve made a significant dent in my cooking project already. I’ve already five dishes in and today will be the sixth with a Spicy Tomato and Onion Jam. I was inspired by the burrata dish that we had at Marzano’s up in Tacoma over Christmas break.

I thought it’ll go well with bread and so I’m baking a few loaves over this weekend. Six loaves, in which I’ll give five away.

With these loaves, I’ve upped the hydration to 70% and hope to get a good grasp on the dough and have an open crumb. I’m using the same technique that I used for the 65% hydration dough from Trevor J. Wilson at Breadwerx.com.

I am confident that at least a few of the loaves will turn out okay, even though I didn’t follow his recipe to a T. I forgot to put the freshly mixed dough in the fridge and then take it out for the overnight autolysis. I just mixed and left it out. But, I think it’ll be fine. It was a little cool last night, so the heat wouldn’t affect it too much.

I guess we shall see tomorrow.

I think I’m going to do a 10+ hour cold proof in the fridge and bake it in the afternoon tomorrow.

Then, I can have my burrata and tomato jam. I can’t wait.

I don’t know why I’ve been so gung ho about cooking this year. On the first, I decided to do the traditional Southern New Year’s tradition that the Carters introduced to me; eating black-eyed-peas, collard greens, and fried chicken to start the New Year.

The peas are for luck/fortune, whereas the collards are for money/wealth. I didn’t make the cornbread from scratch, but used a box mix instead. I still counted it, I didn’t care. It was a little dry, but I think that’s how cornbread should be.

I’m not sure.

That feast was a little impromptu and was more of an urge to make and since it was meant to be eaten on New Year’s Day, I had a time limit to just do it, otherwise I’d have to wait another fucking year.

I had originally planned to make umbricelli instead, but I put that on the back burner for a day or two.

Umbricelli is a flour and water based pasta where you roll out the noodles by hand instead of using a machine. The noodles will be round and thicker and very rustic, taking different sizes and length.

It was amazing. There was a great chew to the noodles and the beef and mushroom ragu I made the night before was amazing. I used a plain can of tomato sauce and added my own flavors. Next time, I’ll use tomato puree and make my own sauce instead.

The trick to creating a tomato sauce is to make it the day before. Overnight sauce adds more flavor and is just plain better.

* * *

I was ambitious last night with my fifth dish of the project. Kimchi.

I still had a head of napa cabbage from Sister in my fridge and wanted to do something with it. I didn’t know if it was rotten or old or what, I just know that I wanted to make something out of it and thought of kimchi.

I got the ingredients and started to work on it. The cabbage was a little old, but I used it anyway. I didn’t want to go out to the store and buy a fresh head.

It’s a long and arduous process, but it’s actually pretty simple to make.

I decided to make a cucumber kimchi also with the remaining paste.

The cabbage kimchi will sit out on my kitchen floor for about two days before I put it in the fridge to ferment for another day or two before I open it and taste it. The cucumber kimchi should be ready tonight. It’s been in the fridge and I have no idea how any of it is going to turn out.

I have faith that it’ll be edible, but who knows.

* * *

Cooking. Being alone. Solitude.

It just heals my mental health. I just cook and listen to a book or even some stand-up comedy. Something to pass the time.

It’s so much a part of my life and habit now, that I can’t imagine not doing it.

Let’s see if I can focus on other aspects of my life and hobbies, like writing.

The year is still early and long. There’s a lot of time to do everything.

* * *

Something came to my mind last night as I was falling asleep. I wondered what I wrote in that little Happy Things list that I wrote when I first started this blog 13 years ago.

It was something that Lisa tasked me to do, to help with getting my mind out of the gutter and to lift me out of my depression after my father passed away. It was a kind of therapy if you will.

I looked over the little list this morning and I found it to be a mish-mash list of things, times, and events that made me happy. It consisted of Jack-in-the-Box 99 cents tacos, to fried chicken, to the memory of my first real drink after I turned 21. They were little small moments in my life and fond memories that warms my heart.

It was a good list.

I did another similar list back in January 2014. This list wasn’t as exhaustive as the first one and was more about things that actually made me happy. Cooking. Food. Hiking. Streaming. Thoughts and feelings.

I made that list when I first started going to therapy. It was well before I had my epiphany and breakthrough with my dad’s death and I was still going through my mid-life-crisis, but it was still a good list.

It was also close to 11 years after I wrote the first list, so I was a different person at that time. Looking at the list, one can see the maturity in the things that made me happy.

I feel like making another list, but I don’t know what the list should be. Things that make me happy? Things that stick in my mind? Are there any other things that came into my life that I haven’t already written down in these two lists?

I’m sure there is, but should I wait another 10 years to write another one? Too soon?

Or maybe it’ll be a different list with my new insight in life, being free and a little more fixed from the issues I had with my dad. I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just write a list with whatever that comes to my mind and just go from there; a general observation of me, if you will.

Here we go, a stupid list, Just a List:

1. Being boring.

   I see myself as a boring person, yet interesting at the same time. What do I mean? I think other people would think I am boring. I don’t go out. I don’t socialize or do any cool things like hang out with friends or go to concerts or parties. I don’t do things with other people and I can be a little quiet at times, especially if I have nothing to say or if I’m in a large group.

   But in a way, I think I’m interesting. I think the solo things that I do are interesting. My love of art and photography, reading, cooking, hiking, and traveling and I’m sure other little things that I do. I think they are all interesting hobbies and I’ve had some very great experiences in all the different places that I’ve been.

   It’s a weird dichotomy, but I guess in a way, everyone thinks what they do is interesting and that most everyone think they are boring.

2. Self-awareness.

   I’ve always been an introspective person. Ever since high school when I was trying to figure out myself and why I was the way I am. There was that pressure that I was feeling, my depression and I was trying to figure myself out to get myself out of it. It took a lot of work and I finally understood what I was going through and the building pressure that I was putting on myself because of my parents.

   As I grew, I learned a lot about myself and accepted my many faults and strengths and made an effort to find what I still needed to work on in my life and to figure out a way to fix it. Growing up is an everyday project and it never ends. As I make noted in my yearly blogs around the end of the year and on my birthday, if I am not learning, I’m not growing.

   It’s important for me to know who I am and just be comfortable with who I am. I’ve struggled with my identity for so long, to fit in and feel comfortable in my own skin that I know I just want to always be a better version of myself. Self-awareness gives me the foresight to do that.

   I know I have many faults to work on. I know I need to stop being so stubborn, to go out more, to be open to letting someone in. They are all a work-in-progress. I’m a work-in-progress.

   Baby steps.

3. Communication.

   I would like to think that I’m an open book. Many people don’t see that, even those who work with me daily probably don’t think that I’m an open book. I am. It’s just that I’m a special kind of open book. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me, you just have to ask.

   I’m not going to willy-nilly just drop something personal out just like that. If I have a personal anecdote that I could say during a conversation and if it comes up organically, yes, I’ll tell you, but other than that, most people will just have to ask.

   It’s a weird way to do it, but it is the way I am. I don’t see any other way.

   But how does this apply to communication, because it’s all about information. It’s about being clear with what you are trying to say, and the easiest way is to be honest about things. Don’t lie.

   I tend to be very forward also and blunt in some of my interactions, especially if it is work and I need to get information. All small talk falls to the way side. All cutesy language. Don’t beat around the bush and just say what you mean so people can’t interpret what you say differently from how you intend it to mean.

   It’s still a work-in-progress to get everything clear since I’m not a big talker, but it is something that I am aware of and want to work on.

   Communicate. Be honest. Be clear. It’s the easiest way to clear up any confusion, to get everyone on the same page.

4. Fear and insecurities.

   I’m not fearless and I’m not confident in many aspects of my life. Even though at times it may look that way, but I’m like most everyone else, full of fears and insecurities.

   Look at this little blog of mine, spilling out all my anxiety and neurosis. It’s all about my fears and insecurities.

   In a way, they are good things to have. These are things that one should work on overcoming. It makes you feel alive, while at the same time, keep you alive. It makes one take life a little more cautious and a little less cavalier.

   One of my biggest fears is getting my heart broken again. Like I claimed before, my heart currently only has room from my family and my furkids, no more. Losing my grandma and especially my father shattered my ability to love. It’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m still single today. I don’t think my heart would be able to take it.

   It’s that fear of obtaining the one thing that makes you happy and then getting it stripped away out of your control. FEAR. But I know it’s rational, but it is something that I must overcome if I want to experience love and to be with someone.

   I must be willing to go through that pain again, to allow for that possibility, be more vulnerable and to let someone in.

   I just have to realize that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, especially on this aspect of life. I know that it’s not the end of the world. I survived my father’s death and I’m sure that I’ll survive losing love and even something as silly as being rejected.

   I don’t ask girls out because of that fear and then there are times when I’m in a relationship that I feel that I’m just not interesting enough to keep the girl. Insecurities.

   My life is full of them. It’s a mindset. I must suck it up and own my life.

   I’ve prostrated so many times on this blog that this is my life and this is how I want to live my life and I’m happy about it, so I shouldn’t give a fuck about it, but like any other person, we all have these insecurities.

   It’ll be a forever long progress, but as I’ll, little by little, overcome these fears and insecurities and they’ll be replaced by new ones as I go into a different phase of my life. I can’t worry about those yet, but should focus on the ones that I fix now.

5. Pessimism.

   This is tricky. I know for the longest time that I was a pessimist, but many years ago, I adopted more of a realist attitude than a pessimistic one. It fits with how I see life, shit happens. Life is neither just good or bad, but something in between. There are good things and bad things.

   Many think that I’m very negative and I can see that, but there’s a large part of me that is optimistic, it’s just balanced with that negative side. I see and understand a lot of people and the world and how things work. I’m not blind to just pessimistic or optimistic blinders.

   I take into account that sometimes; things don’t work out the way they are supposed to be and failure is a part of life. Not everything will go your way and you should prepare for that. You do and try to get what you want, but sometimes you are not successful. In a way, it’s about tempering expectations.

   I know that I need to work on it more, be a little optimistic in my life and how I want things to be and go, but there’s always that part of me that keeps that in check. Maybe I should just think the best of everything.

   I spoke about this numerous times, that out of the blue there’s this sense of optimism that popped up many many years ago and it is still here. I still believe in the end, everything will work out okay. It’ll never be life or death.

   Things will be okay and I should be a little more positive in everything.

   Maybe it’s something for me to work on in 2017.

6. Action.

   I daydream quite a bit. My mind tends to wander into its own little fantasy world where I act on my thoughts, like asking the girl out, or saying the right things, or even doing things or going to places without a care.

   Unfortunately, that is never true because most everything that I’ve listed here holds me back on these thoughts. My fears, insecurities, neurosis; they all hold me back.

   I’m disappointed in these bouts of wishful thinking and knowing that I’ll never do anything about it. I get mad at myself when these thoughts creep into my mind and all I’m doing is just hoping and wishing that they come true and I know that in a way, I have all the power and control in whether these things happen and I am passive. I don’t act.

   Sure, there are some thoughts that are a little more out of my control or it concerns another party and I don’t know what they are going to do, but there’s a part of me that thinks I should be a little more optimistic and do it.

   It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for a long time now, to not be this passive observer in my fantasies and dreams and be active in making it happen.

   It’s just my fears are holding me back.

7. Carefree.

   Many who knows me knows that I don’t care about much. I simply just don’t give a fuck about many things that people care about.

   Why?

   Because it doesn’t concern me or I have no control in changing the situation.

   The old adage goes, care about the things that you have control over and just let the things that you don’t have control over go. There’s no point in stressing out about something that you have no say or control over.

   Let it go.

   You’ll be happier for it.

   Just care about the things that are meaningful to you, things that you have a direct effect on and everything else, fuck it.

   Life got so much easier when I stopped giving a fuck about everything.

   It’s a matter of living more simply.

This is just of list of thoughts. Maybe subconsciously I wrote it out to be a list of reminders of things that I need to work on myself, things that I need to do to help grow and be a better version of me.

It’s an incomplete list, but it is a great start.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list in one form or another as the year and my life progress.

Here’s to 2017.

To another great year of progress, growth, and continued learning.

To another year of refinement.

To another year of me.

It had become my morning routine while I’m up here to go to the coffee shop and do some writing and unwinding and just be by myself.

This morning was no different as I settled in with my coffee checking my social media to see what everyone else is up to.

Then I notice that my laptop isn’t charging and it seems that the outlet isn’t working or that my charger broke after plugging it into the end table last night. I’m not sure which.

I don’t have much time here this morning, which is fine. I could always continue at home since I probably won’t be doing anything today either.

It’ll be a slow slow week as I wait patiently for my flight back home on Saturday night.

* * *

There isn’t much to write about this morning since I finished the year-end diatribe yesterday.

It wasn’t my best effort as I struggle to just write.

My mind doesn’t like to work from time to time and these past couple of days with that entry was no different. It was a fractured thematic approach of just listing off things that I did this past year, not unlike the entries for the past couple of years, but it was definitely lacking and not my best.

Maybe I just need a break from writing in general. Who knows?

POWER!

It was my wire. Some of the conducting metal broke due to Relish’s chewing. Fucking bitch.

I’ll have to go to Best Buy and buy another one or something or should I just consider getting a new laptop now?

I’m not sure yet. Definitely not sure yet. This old beast is still good to go for another year or so, or at least another few months.

It’s just slow and there’s always better.

I got this laptop about four years ago and it’s around that time for an upgrade. Definitely around that time for an upgrade.

Looking over this laptop, I don’t have much on here. Some music and all my working files that I’ve synced up to my google drive. All replaceable.

Either way, if I buy one today and wipe this one down and give it to mom, I’ll still need to get a new adapter for mom.

Might as well just stick with a new adapter for another year and then think about getting another laptop down the line.

That’s the thing with technology, it’ll always get better given time at the same price point or maybe cheaper.

* * *

It was cold last night. The room was comfortable and I got some decent sleep, but I meant in the outside world.

The streets were slick this morning. Lots of ice. It’s nice to experience some kind of weather again besides the constant sunny skies of Los Angeles.

I give it to LA that the weather was moody the week before I left, but still, on average, it’s a nice beautiful day.

Can’t complain about that too much.

* * *

Here it is again, that time of year.

I’m home home, in this foreign but familiar little coffee shop that has come to be my place since my brother moved out here. It changed from a Tully’s to now Asensio.

This is my place while I’m here, doing my tappings, my diatribes, my writings.

It is here where I’ll do my yearly bah humbug to all.

Let’s hope this go well.

* * *

2016.

What can I say?

It was like most years now, a blur. A blink and it was gone. A blink and the year will soon be a distant memory.

I have a few days left and I’m sure these days will go by and blend with every other day in my mind.

2016.

Overall in the grand scheme of things was a shitty year for the world. Lots of deaths and the politics was hell. We have a new President in Trump. England is leaving the United Kingdom. Racism is on a surge as is police brutality.

People are just fucking horrible and they ask me why I like to be alone?

Yeah, those two things can pretty much sum up the global health of the world.

Here’s a little song that pretty much sums up 2016: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yv_rl3MYKA

We’re fucked, but the year is over and it can’t possibly get any worse in the coming year, right?

Here’s to hoping.

There’s that optimism again.

Sigh.

2017, let’s hope that it’ll be better for everyone else, if not, let’s just fucking go all out and kill everyone, okay?

* * *

2016.

It may have been a shitty fucking year for most everyone else and the world, but looking back, it was another great year for me.

It definitely was another Year of Phong and I’m not ashamed of that. No, there definitely isn’t anything wrong with another #partyofone year.

That’s been my motto for so long, that I don’t know if it’ll ever change.

As I do most every year, I just do me and do what I want. I spend most of my time alone with little changes that pushes me to do things that are out of my comfort zone and such. I went out a little more and I traveled and did my trips and I worked.

It was a continuation of what I did last year, which was going back to my roots and my lifestyle when I first moved down to Los Angeles. I’d just work, go watch movies, and do whatever it is that I wanted to do. Nothing much else. I lived.

Life.

It’s like most everyone’s life, but it is my life and I lived it according to my rules and my decisions. No one made any decisions for me or forced me into things. My life.

My life.

2016.

It was a great fucking year.

I hope it continues onto 2017.

* * *

2016.

As much as I love saying that this year was the Year of Phong, it wasn’t all me.

Looking back, it was actually a big year for family also. It was a balanced year with family. I saw a lot of them this year with family get-togethers and what not.

I saw mom about four or five times this year when on average it’s about twice a year. A lot of family. Well, that’s what I consider to be a lot for me.

I guess with 2015 being such a solo year, I needed to find balance with everything else and this year was that. It was a year of me and of family.

Family is good. I know it doesn’t seem like it matters much to me since I’m always alone and love to spend my time alone without anyone, but I love my family.

It’s always a good thing to get together and catch up, especially with family that I haven’t seen or talk to in a while. In a way, I miss those days, where my cousins and the rest of the family would just gather and hang out.

It doesn’t happen as much anymore with everyone all grown up with families and lives of their own. It’s few and far between, but they are things that I cherish when it happens.

Last year was at Dat’s wedding and this year was at Maggie’s wedding that we all got together and just hung out.

I had a great time hanging out and blacking out with my younger cousins at the wedding. I’m sure I won’t be doing that anytime soon, but it was just great bonding.

Fresno.

I haven’t been to Fresno in years; maybe it was before all the moves to Reno when Kent and Amy were still home, but this year, I’ve been there three times. Once after my little trip to Yosemite, then in September for Maggie’s Chinese wedding and surprisingly for me, on Thanksgiving.

I’m sure it won’t be the last time in a while, but I would love to just keep Fresno visits to a minimum. It’s not because of family, it’s just that it is Fresno.

Looking back, yes, it was a good balance of me time and family time. It sure help make the year go by faster.

* * *

Travel.

Wanderlust.

Any year that I get to travel is a great year and this year my travels were plentiful.

My first travel of the year was the little wedding in Sacramento to Kathy’s wedding, but my first real travel that sparked this year’s travel theme was for my special weekend.

As per usual, I always try to get away and be alone for my birthday if I can. This year I decided to spend a long weekend up in Sequoia National Park. It’s been a while since I’ve gone and do something in nature for my birthday. The last time was probably back in 2012 for my road trip to the Grand Canyon and Arizona with Pickles. That too was a success.

Since that trip, it sparked my little wanderlust heart and decided to plan trips for every month since then. I planned little weekend getaways out to nature and I loved every single minute of it.

It was just great to get out to the great outdoors and relax and Zen out, find my peace walking the woods and climbing mountains.

May was my first real trip to Big Sur. I did a few hikes up there. Even though the weekend ended fucking horribly with the wine tasting or the overdoing the wine tasting, but it was still a great weekend.

The next was Yosemite in June. Whenever I go to Yosemite, I would always do most of the same hikes, but this year I did the hike up to Glacier Point and then the Panoramic Trail. It was just stunning and beautiful. Long and that last half hour down on the Mist Trail was fucking bullshit on my knees, but so beautiful.

In July and August was my two-week road trip back to Seattle with Pickles. Even though I didn’t get to do as much as I wanted because I got sick the first week, it was still great because of the Brotherhood 2.0 trip with my brother to Banff National Park.

Ahhhh, as I wrote before, it was an amazing trip. The drive there was beautiful as are the hikes. I loved it there and my only regret was not taking Pickles with me. If only he was younger.

September was Maggie’s wedding in Reno, so I decided to spend a few days in Lake Tahoe enjoying the sites and finding some hiking. Maybe I was in the wrong area, but there weren’t too many hikes. I needed to be further north, but it was still fun none-the-less. It was a great transition between nature and city vacation that I was going on.

October was Chicago. My beloved. I asked my boss if I could do my day-to-day out in Chicago while I traveled there for fun and he agreed and it was just amazing to be back in the city again, not being a tourist but being more of a local. I did some touristy things and explored parts of the city I never been while cheering on the Chicago Cubs in my favorite dive bar, Snickers. It was a blast and I hope to be back there again.

November was the wild card since I didn’t have anything planned and just thought I’d not do anything and go anywhere, but Sister called and invited me back to Fresno for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t technically a trip that is for me, but it was still a trip like Kathy’s wedding, so I’m making it count and of course, here I am in December with my final trip for the year.

Traveling.

It makes the year go by faster and I am truly blessed to be able to do it.

What kind of trips will 2017 bring? I don’t know, but hopefully our first family trip to Europe will happen. If not, then more trips for me.

2017, let’s travel to my heart’s content.

* * *

Projects.

They’re like little goals to accomplish through the year to make it feel like I’ve accomplished something and not be a bum.

I guess it is a way for me to cheat the whole learning and growing every year thing, but this year I had my projects and I went well and not so well.

I’ve only set out to do two projects this year, another cooking project and a new writing project. Could you guess how each one went?

The cooking project was fun and I learned to make a lot of new things that I would normally wouldn’t make. Unlike last year’s rule of making something I never made before, I set up a few more rules. I had to make 10 appetizers, 10 main/side dishes, and 10 desserts.

I imposed those rules because I don’t ever make appetizers and desserts. This forces me to learn new recipes and work with ingredients I never worked with before. Sure, it made the count easier, but sometimes it was hard to decide what to make.

Overall, it was a very successful project and with the new toy that I got, I’m looking forward to next year’s project. I still haven’t decided what the details of the project will be, but I’m looking forward to it.

The writing project went nowhere. The Blox and I decided to give each other writing prompts every week so we have 52 short stories by the end of the year. It didn’t happen. I believe we have about 30 prompts, but I have only finished 3 stories. Disappointing.

At least I still have those prompts and maybe I’ll get back to it, who knows. We shall see.

Sourdough bread.

In a way, this ties back to the cooking project, but not really. It wasn’t a project per se, but more of an obsession of my new DIY nature. I’ve been on a bread making tear this year and it’s mainly due to me not being a baker and constantly failing at creating bread.

I’ve wrote an essay on this for work that pretty much sums up the origin of it.

As I got a better grasp of the whole bread making process and became more comfortable with it, my bread making has slowed down quite a bit. My loaves aren’t perfect, but they’re not coming out like shit either. At the moment, I’m happy with them.

I’m sure there will be plenty of loaves in my future.

Besides those, there weren’t any other projects. My screenwriting had taken a backseat to this little void of mine and hopefully I can get back to it next year. Who knows?

* * *

Here goes another day.

2016.

Another popular death over Christmas. George Michael.

Fuck 2016. Just shaking my head.

* * *

Work.

Work is work.

There weren’t any big projects for me this year since the bulk of it was last year with the transition to Office 365. Sure, there were a few hiccups here and there this year, but nothing that I couldn’t manage.

The thing that is worth mentioning is my angered interaction with Microsoft. With them, I don’t know, they just bring out the worst in me. Maybe it is the language barrier and it makes me doubt my communication skills, but holy hell, if they don’t get my blood to boil. There were multiple times where I’ll just flat out start cursing the tech on the other end.

I know that is something that I’ll have to control better in the future. Something that I need to keep in check.

Other than that, there really isn’t much. Benjo brought it on to the task force as a consultant and researcher of tools and such and that will forever be an ongoing process.

There might be some good news that are coming up in the next few weeks that might make things a little busier for the team and that’s always good.

Work, it’s good. It gives me a great work-life balance and it’s not very stressful and that is something that I don’t think I would like to give up. I’m surrounded by good people and it’s an exciting agency for the type of work that we do (not to buy into the Kool-Aid), but we do.

Looking forward to another interesting year next year in terms of work, especially with the soon-to-be-announced good news.

* * *

Year of Yes.

I started this on a whim last year.

I know that when it comes to socializing and saying yes, it can be difficult because I’m such a stubborn person that likes my habits. I don’t like to go out. I don’t like to hang out. I just like to be on my own, but in a way, there are times that I don’t mind socializing. I’m getting a little better at it, with alcohol.

It’s not like I get asked to go do stuff a lot, but there are a lot of happy hours that I do get invited to.

I decided that I should just say yes, or that I should say yes and just do and go to whatever was asked.

For the most part, it was successful. I did go out a lot more this year, or to more of the happy hours that I’ve been invited to.

But it wasn’t all that successful because there were times when I just didn’t want to go or I had prior personal plans or I simply forgot to just say yes and go.

When Santos asked if I wanted to go hiking in the SM Mountains on a random Wednesday, I flat out said no. It’s really tough for me to get out of the house for something like that when I get home and had settled and it’ll be with people that I don’t know well. It wasn’t until a few days later or maybe the next morning when I realized I should have said yes because of the project.

I missed out on seeing Ms. D because I said no. Her friend asked me if I wanted to grab drinks with her and him one night and I said no. I gave a lame excuse that I had to go home and take care of my pets. Why did I say no? The same usual reasons. I didn’t know the guy well and seeing Ms. D, for me was very complicated given my history with her. I haven’t seen her since that random run-in at Westside Pavilion. I didn’t know how she would have reacted if I just showed up randomly, not knowing if she knew I was going to be there. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, even though I’m sure she’ll be thrilled or okay with me being there. Another reason, which is a lot more reasonable was that I gave blood that day and my body wasn’t sitting right. I needed to sleep and that’s what I did when I got home. I took a long nap.

But there were some unexpected surprises this year, like with Merv asking if I wanted to go get lunch with her and her cube mate. I would have said yes regardless because I was comfortable with the two of them and it wasn’t a bad outing.

Year of Yes 2016. It wasn’t a bad experiment which I’ll probably carry over to next year. I need to grow and I need to socialize more.

* * *

Alcohol.

With all the going out that I did this year, the more I drank. I’m a social drinker and it didn’t help that some mornings Dan would want to do some shots and with the Year of Yes, I obliged.

My alcohol of choice, whiskey neat.

It’s been about two or three years when that became my go to drink whenever I’m out and wine is still my go to when I’m at home cooking.

There’s been a lot of whiskey and I’ve probably drank more this year than any other year combined.

It’s not at an unhealthy level since I’m such a social drinker, but in a way, it is getting out of hand. Maybe the health issues that I’m experiencing stems from the drinking and I need to cut back.

Most definitely do.

I’m a person that do things in excess. I like to be alone in excess. I eat in excess. I drink in excess.

Drinking is a social lubricant for me. In a way, it helps with my social anxiety and calms my nerves whenever I’m out socializing and being with people that I don’t know too well. It helps loosen the inhibitions.

Hopefully I’m able to cut it down some.

Yeah, there was lots of alcohol.

Maggie’s wedding for example. That was a day of solidarity drinking for Dat and for celebration of the wedding.

It was the tequila.

Always blame the tequila.

2017, let’s cut it down significantly.

I got my liver and health to worry about.

* * *

Health.

2016 was a fucking rough year for me in terms of my health and my body.

Sure, I would get sick from time to time and that’s normal. With my old age, a cold wipe me out for days. I’ll be fatigued and physically drained where I just need meds and sleep.

But my whole digestion system, man, that’s something all in its own.

I still don’t have a clear idea of what is wrong with me. I brought up IBS to my doctor and he agreed without doing much testing. He suggested that I start taking probiotics and fiber which I did taking and it kind of helped, but not really.

I’m still constipated and the gas is never ending. I would always feel bloated and I don’t know what is fucking with my body.

I do need to keep a food diary and just jot down everything I’m eating and making note of how I feel afterwards and the next day. I just want this shit to be over with.

The past couple of months with my habit of giving blood, I noticed that my blood pressure isn’t the nice and normal 120/80 but slightly higher. It ranged from 128/78 or even 133/83. To me, they are not normal numbers, but they seem to be normal.

It wasn’t until this past week or two when I had severe stomach issues with gas pressure and IBS that I was suffering. I felt tired and my body temperature or what I was feeling kept fluctuating. I was light headed and my typical chest pain with tingling left arm happened again.

It’s not a heart attack even though I was so convinced that it was. I was so anxious and that I went to urgent care and they did a small checkup on me. My ekg and blood turned out normal but my blood pressure was slightly high. 155/38. The urgent care physician said it was okay for me to fly and if I start vomiting or notice blood in my stool to go to the emergency room.

My personal care doctor said same thing.

I’ve been taking my blood pressure almost daily since I got back and it is still high. 147/83. 133/90. Fucking weird numbers.

It could be the alcohol or the stress from the anxiety or it could even be the fucking coffee I’ve been drinking.

My mind was going bonkers, thinking of the worst-case scenario, being negative. I called my insurance and spoke with a nurse and she said I should be fine. My IBS and everything could be caused my stress, but here’s the thing, I don’t feel stressed.

But, I skipped the coffee yesterday and now I switched to tea. I’ll take another test and see how it goes. I feel wired and it’ll probably come back up as high.

But I know that I need to start exercising and be more health conscious. Even though I cook a lot and cut out a lot of preservatives and processed foods, it’s still a good idea to eat better.

Eat more salads, dammit.

2017. Let’s be a little healthier, shall we?

* * *

People and Socializing and Relationships – Just playing nice.

Let’s get this out of the way, since 2016 was a continuation of the Year of Phong, there were no relationships. Didn’t try and for the most part, it never crossed my mind to. I wanted and needed to be alone again. It’s becoming status quo or it was status quo and being in a relationship is not normal for me.

I wouldn’t say not all hope is lost for all of those who think I should be with someone. Hope is never lost, I don’t think. I think for me, it’s just a matter of patience and just meeting someone that makes me want to go out and do things with.

I don’t know where I’ll meet this said person or who this said person should be, but the world is a big place and there are a shit ton of people. Who knows, but I think I’m reaching a point in my life where there’s a possibility that I’m open for a relationship.

I’m not totally closed off, yet.

With this past year’s Year of Yes, I did socialize a lot more with the going away happy hours and such and for the most part, it was great. It gets me out and socializing. Sure, there were times when I felt, this was a bad idea, but for the most part, I did manage to have fun or enjoy my time. Maybe I’ll continue this Year of Yes thing and be a little more diligent in saying yes and participating.

Overall, my relationship with people have been friendly and cordial, Microsoft Service Techs aside, they have been great.

Sure, there were a few hiccups here and there and a big blowout with a coworker that I still don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will, but c’est la vie. I’m stubborn and there’s no way I’m going to apologize and fix things for it. It’s not being petty, it’s more about attacking my character and who I am, accusing me of doing something that I didn’t do. I didn’t betray his confidence.

Then there is the matter of Ally being on my shitlist and me just fucking with her. It started out serious, but then it just got to be fun torturing her. Even though I accepted her friend’s request on FB, I’m still debating if I should let her off the hook. maybe. Who knows.

So yes, 2016, for this curmudgeon, had been a great year in terms of being friendly and social.

I think I’m a fair person. I give everyone an equal chance and I’m genuine cool with anyone until they fuck up. Then it’s over and given a little time, things get back to normal. I’ve fucked up multiple times, again and again, with many different people and for some odd reason I end up back in their good graces.

2016 helped me a little bit in socializing. I’m getting a little better, just only a little. Definitely could do better.

* * *

Furkids.

There were a couple of scares this year for my little kids.

The biggest was Relish and her sudden asthma attack. It scared the shit out of me and I felt horrible that I allowed it to happen. Even now, no one knows why this happened. I just hope that it doesn’t happen again. It was one of those times when I felt so totally helpless and I couldn’t do anything. I’m glad that she bounced back though. Very glad.

Pickles. My soulmate.

He’s old. He’s 11. I can tell that he’s lost a little spring in his step and I felt bad that I haven’t taken him on more adventures. He only went along with me once this year, on my trip up north. He got to visit the northwest and I allowed him to roam free on our daily walks.

Pickles gave me a little scare by faking an injury after I picked him up from doggy daycare after coming back from Banff. That fucker, but I’m glad he got better and bounced back.

I know he’s bored at home. I can see it. I know he wants to be out and about, walking.

Definitely going to try and do more of that this year. Maybe doing our long night walks again. Maybe. I guess anything to make him active is a great thing to keep him young.

He’s still young and energetic, which is great, but I do love my little son. He’s the world to me. He’s my everything.

* * *

2016.

Like any other year, it had gone by in a flash and it was another year when I bettered myself as a person and learned more about myself and grown. It was another year when I learned something new.

But also, it’s another year where I notice my faults. I could be a little more social. I could be a little nicer and I could always be better at keeping things told to me in confidence.

I think there was just one big slip up on that front and that had to do with work and business. When it came to my coworker, for the most part, I kept it private and only brought it up when asked by my other coworkers in conversation. I guess I could have feigned ignorance and that would have been the best way to go, but for the most part, I’m decent at keeping my mouth shut when it needs to be.

As I say on this little blog of mine time and time again, we could always learn new things and be a better person. If you aren’t learning and bettering yourself, you aren’t growing and I have another year to do that.

Just be better.

* * *

2016.

Another year in the books.

Like any other year in the past handful, it’s been a great year for me.

I’ve thrived on my independence and freedom, doing whatever I felt like doing and not caring what other people think of it.

It’s been a year of growth, albeit minimal, but still a year of growth. In a way, it was a year where I let loose a little and be a little more carefree.

Sure, there were a few setbacks, but what doesn’t have their setbacks. Just learn and grow from them. It’s all that you can do.

Sure, there are a few fears, insecurities, and general anxiety that I normally feel, but that is normal. There definitely isn’t anything wrong with being a little scared. It’s how you know you are alive and feel.

It’s another year of finding myself and being another person.

So, here, now, 2016, I bid you adieu.

2017, here I come. I welcome you with open arms.

I hope you give me and everyone an opportunity to learn and grow and just enjoy and live our life.

I know there are many shitty things that will happen because of everything that happened in 2016 globally, but let’s hope that it’ll be a better year, okay?

It’ll be a dawning of a new era globally and maybe it’ll be a start of something new and unexpected for me also.

Will 2017 be the year where I make drastic changes in my life, good or bad?

Will 2017 be the year where I finally get some of my shit together?

I don’t know, but I welcome the possibility to try.

2017. A blank canvas for me to continue the masterpiece that is me.

2016, good bye.

2017, bring it.

I’ve been coming to Volcano Tea House for years. Maybe it had been over ten years, but it’s a long time.

Throughout these years, I’ve seen so many boba girls come and gone. Some I will develop relationships with, in terms of being friendly and chatty and with one, became a girlfriend and then an ex.

So many have come and gone as I would come in here during my usual weekend ritual to do some writing. Some I knew their names and many they were just friendly faces that make my tea.

But that’s the thing with this service industry where most of your workers are young college students. It’s a fickle business.

Speaking with Rei this morning, she being one of those that is uber friendly and that I speak with, I learned that Iris, a very young cute boba girl that I was friendly with, got married and quit.

The crazy thing is how young she is. 21. Her husband, a tall white Irish man, who is a year younger.

Holy fucking hell.

Maybe I’m just an old grumpy ass fart, but holy hell shit, that is just way too young to get married.

But I do hope that everything is okay with her and that she’s fine and happy.

I’m sure I’ve wrote about my stances of marrying young in this little platform before, but I just can’t understand why.

* * *

It is me.

I’m not a relationship person, even though I totally thought I would be.

I was the young hopeless romantic. Am I still one?

Young, no.

Hopeless romantic? Doubt it.

That naivete is gone, replaced by an old grizzled harden shell that looks at things in a realistic tinged light. It’s who I became and I’m sure 100% the reason why I am still single right now, trying to figure out if I want a relationship or not or if I’m just scared to be in one.

I just don’t know who to make compromises, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that I’m willing to make compromises for. Maybe that’s the rub?

Will I ever meet that someone that I am willing to make compromises for? Who knows? I just need to allow someone to get in first and many say that I’m very difficult to let people in.

Maybe I am guarded. Losing my father made me that, not wanting to get hurt anymore. Not believing that I am strong enough to suffer another heartbreak, but no, I don’t think so.

I went in on these relationships with my now exes, not with these tainted eyes, but with maybe a hint of optimism to see where things go.

Again, I am the type of person that don’t know how things are until I actually go through it and experience it. I make my judgment off my experiences for the most part.

If at any time during the relationship I don’t feel it, I don’t feel it.

It’s that simple.

That’s what happened with my last ex, but I just felt bad and dragged it on too long or maybe I got into it thinking that I was just broken and that I needed to push through it because there is something inherently wrong with me and by being in it longer my feelings will change.

It didn’t.

Maybe I can see that in the future and just end things when I know that it should end.

Maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

2017.

What does it have instore for me?

Looking at the horoscopes, it doesn’t seem like it’ll be a good year for me. Just mediocre.

Who knows, right?

Just found this horoscope and it seems like I’m in for an interesting year of growth and change: http://astrologyclub.org/horoscope-2017/aries-horoscope/#overview

That’s a good thing since that’s the point of life, growing up, admitting your faults and working on them to make you a better person.

I know myself. I’m aware of myself and self-worth and know the type of person I am. I know my flaws and definitely know I am not fucking perfect.

But, I do know that I’m in a good place in my life. I love the life I’m living and am constantly trying to feel better about myself and my life. That’ll never change.

It’ll be an interesting year next year if the horoscope proves true.

But, I think I’m ready. I kind of have to be, right?

* * *

Changes.

I know that I need to work on my health next year.

I need to figure out my stomach issues. I don’t think it is as extreme as I am making it out to be. I’m a hypochondriac, but it is not normal.

I’m suspecting IBS and I need to figure out what is the trigger food and try to avoid it.

I need to be more diligent and have more self-control in that front. I need to work out and be healthier.

Whether that means joining a gym or just working out more at home, I don’t know, but it is something that I do need to do.

Be more active.

2017.

There’s a lot of things I need to do and just change, like I do every year, but maybe I should stick to these little resolutions. Even if they are baby steps. Change takes time. It starts slow and then eventually they just are.

* * *

Holiday break.

No idea what I’ll be doing over the break. I’m sure it’ll be my typical trying to stay fucking warm during the day while I just chill with mom or just being upstairs watching movies or shows while mom is downstairs.

I don’t even know what I’m going to cook for Christmas. Probably nothing too fancy and just the regular things I normally cook. Pasta, vegetables, and who knows what else.

I don’t even know if I’ll venture out on my own or I’ll just be cooped up in the house the whole time.

Everything is up in the air. That’s what I get for not having a car.

I know for sure I won’t be winning any step contests over the break.

* * *

My writing has been very distracted and slow today.

That’s usually how it is when I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to write about and am just purging.

I’m just looking at my reflection in the mirror and man, do I look fucking old.

It’s been a rough year for me health wise. Wasn’t my strongest year.

To next year.

Starting next week, I’ll start writing my yearly bah humbug.

I got four more days of work to get through and then the year will be over.

Just a few more days.

I can survive.

I can do this.

Let’s go.

Boom Clap indeed.

My body gave up on me yesterday. My body screamed its frustration and went on strike. I couldn’t stand yesterday.

Work wasn’t happening like it should.

It was rough.

The day after the holiday party was usually rough, not just for me but for most of the agency.

I’ve had bad hangovers before and I didn’t have a bad one yesterday, it was manageable. It was that my body just said fuck you for sleeping so late and waking up so early.

Yeah, I would say I was horizontal for most of the day yesterday. My body needed rest. My body needed something other than exertion. My body needed hibernation.

* * *

For the most part, I was good at the party. I remember most of it, no blacking out and I manage my drinks reasonably. There were a few things that I don’t remember, like the conversation that I had with Sanson, June, and Nick. It was something about how all us Asians don’t care about something and Nick was the only one that does.

Don’t remember the details.

Overall, I had a good time. I enjoyed the company and didn’t really feel all that anxious.

It was raining that night, not that much, but it was the California misting that they call rain down here. So it was slick out.

Carel, Nick, and some other people walked to Sonny McClane’s and I slipped and fell. I remember that and I didn’t drink there. Or at least I don’t think I did. Just walked around chatting and wandering. By about 12:15 or so, I left and walked back to the office with Benjamin.

I got home about 12:30, stripped and fucking passed the shit out.

Overall, it was a good night. The aftermath, not so much.

* * *

For most of the day, I was hoping that I’d get to see and hang out with Merv at the party, but she got sick and didn’t go. ParkNg went, but we never hung out. I didn’t really hang out with any but Nick and Sanson.

The most memorable thing besides the fucking fall the whole night was the conversation with Nick about Ally. He’s backing her and trying to get her off my shit list, explaining her stance.

It wasn’t working for me. The basis of his argument was — She’s a millennial, give her a break.

That doesn’t fly with me.

Nope.

Still on my shit list. Probably made it worse.

Probably not.

* * *

Merv is cute. Very beautiful, but so young.

* * *

Tarot.

A receptionist at work have a set of tarot cards and from time to time I would do some readings for fun.

From the sound of things, I am at a great time in my life right now. I am where I need to be. I am great with myself and am sure of myself and have direction and know what I need to do. I should do exactly what I’m doing now and not worry about anything. Everything is great.

It feels right. It feels true. I am at a very good place in my life mentally. Physically, not so much with my stomach issues. Definitely want to get that fixed.

During these draws, I would pretty much be thinking about Merv and those are the cards I get.

I’m not going to put much stock on these cards and their meanings, but it was fun, none the less.

* * *

I had the opportunity to meet up with Ms. D during the week, but I opted not to.

I know that this was the year of yes and I should have said yes to the drink, but there was something that didn’t feel right, so I didn’t go.

First off, I gave blood that day and I was very woozy from it. I just needed to go home and rest.

Secondly, she didn’t ask. It was a friend of hers at work that said they were meeting up that night for drinks and he asked me to come out. Not that because I didn’t know him too well and I don’t deal well with people I don’t now on a social level, but it’s more about I don’t know how she would feel about it. I’m sure she’ll actually be fine with it, but I didn’t want to barge in and just show up.

But, she’s been popping up in my life lately after a long ass time of not.

The longest conversation that we had was just us chatting while she was in my beloved. It’s been a while since.

Then little small responses to my IG and what not.

She’s still on my mind.

She’s still in my head.

Sigh.

C’est la vie.

* * *