That’s the plan.

That’s the game.

To get things done.

I go in, get shit done and try not to lose my shit.

That’s the game plan.

Get shit done.

The thing is that there’s just a lot of shit. Like a lot of shit.

But, someone has to do it and I’m the one.

* * *

Depression.

This is a different type of depression. It’s not the old friend of mine that I grew up with.

It’s different.

The usual symptoms are there. There’s the lack of interesting in doing things that I love to do. There’s the lack of motivation to do anything when I get home.

No interest in any of the shows I’m watching.

I find it so hard to focus on anything after work.

Depression.

It’s back, but it’s taking another form.

It’s very unfamiliar.

This isn’t my old friend. It’s a stranger.

Depression.

It’s not the cloudy gray mist that haunted me for most of my informative years. It’s not the toxic comfort company that I’ve grown accustomed to.

It’s different.

Depression.

This one is hard to describe.

I know it’s not related to anything that is happening in my personal life.

I’m not depressed about my circumstance or how I’m living my life. My single-ness isn’t the cause for this.

Life is status quo. I’m living my life how I want to live and sure, there is that small desire to change and I’m open to it.

There’s always that anxiety there, that fear of change, especially personal change, getting out of one’s routine and comfort zone. That’s expected and that’s something I am willing to accept and tackle as the time comes.

This is different.

This depression is work related.

It’s stress.

I haven’t dealt with this type of depression before. It’s new. It’s different.

Work made me depressed.

* * *

All that I can manage to do when I get home is to eat and think about work. When I’m not thinking about work and trying to figure out the solutions to the problems that are coming up or about the tools and workflow and process, all I want to do is to surf the interwebs.

I surf the web to deal with my stress.

I understand it now as I am going through it.

It’s mindless.

It’s numbing.

I find comfort in the memes and the internet articles and news. They are small quick snippets where I don’t have to think. Just mindless consumption.

I can’t even read any more. It takes too much concentration to read the words, digest the meaning, and understand the subtext and the context of everything.

That’s too much for my mind to handle.

Depression.

I wonder if I would like my old friend back other than this new stranger that I’ve found.

Would that be better? At least I would be able to read, right? Or is this it? This is the new evolution of it, with the new technology and new distractions that I have available.

This is it.

Depression.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I need a win. We need a win.

* * *

Depression.

I think the thing that trips me out about this new stranger is the lack of focus and severe lack of motivation to do anything but eat and numb my mind.

I have zero interest in the shows I’m watching or the book I’m reading or even listening to. I can’t focus.

My attention span maxes out in short short bursts.

In a way, it’s fascinating, and in a way, it’s frustrating all at the same time.

Fascinating.

It’s not the dire doom and gloom that I’m familiar with.

I feel fine. I feel great, like I’m living life.

There’s not that suffocating cloud of darkness that was so familiar. There’s not that sense of finality and drowning.

No. There’s none of that.

It’s a new feeling. It’s a feeling that I can’t process and that’s the thing that trips me out.

It’s fucking me up.

I’m Zen in many aspects of my life…but there’s this this-ness that trips me up.

I know it’s not going to last forever.

I know that it’ll end and things will get back to normal.

Again, no doom and gloom.

There’s still that optimism in me.

I guess in a way, I know what’s causing this. I know that once things settle down, I’ll be back to normal and this stranger will be gone.

Work.

Depression.

Fascinating.

* * *

How can I balance out the way that I’m feeling? How can I Zen out more?

I know there’s meditation. I know that I need to start working out more. I know I need to get back to yoga, but what else?

What can I do during the day to help?

I need to step away from my desk, my computer, the office, and hide. I need time to myself, to clear my brain, where I’m not thinking about anything work related.

I need an outlet.

Should I go write?

I should just doodle, free write, a free journal of sorts.

Scrap booking!

I don’t know, but I know I need a stress reliever. Something that is inconsequential and that I really don’t give a fuck about.

I need something that is a distraction away from my distractions from my distractions at work.

Let’s doodle. Let’s write. Let’s make lists. Let’s get back to thinking about something creative.

LET’S JUST DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Do it.

* * *

I need a break.

I need a short weekend to get away from things.

I want a short trip with Pickles somewhere. I don’t know what, but I know I need it.

This had been percolating in the back of my brain for a while now. I didn’t really get a break over Christmas, so I think I need a short vacation.

Nothing long.

Just two or three days where I’m out in nature or just not doing work.

Work balance.

Life balance.

I have it better than most.

I have it great, actually.

I know I’m stressed and I have a lot of pressure, but I’m in the same boat with so many other people.

At least I don’t have to be in the office until midnight.

At least I get paid for the extra hours that I’m working.

At least when I get home, I don’t have to really do more work.

Things aren’t really that bad. I just blow things up.

That’s my MO. That’s how I roll.

My problems are my mountains compared to many.

This stranger is a stranger. It’s not my old friend.

The stranger will be gone once everything gets done and stabilized.

So, let’s get shit done.

Get it done.

* * *

Work.

It seems that all I do now is work. I come out here to type my little entries and they are about work.

Work this.

Work that.

Stress this.

Stress that.

I haven’t been so stressed at the agency in a long time.

We’re launching this new set of tools and process and I don’t want it to fail. No one wants it to fail, but there are growing pains as with all new systems.

People are unwilling to accept change, some people are unclear of how the tools work, and some people are just fucking stupid.

People.

I think that’s the source of the majority of my stress.

Fucking people.

* * *

Thursday was probably one of the roughest days in a long while.

I’m behind on my work and it more work keeps coming.

Then all I hear are complaints and complaints and frustration.

One person called out the too as shit because they can’t access files or use the tool while on our client’s shitty wifi. Everyone knows that our client’s guest wifi is shitty.

EVERYONE knows this. We provide these users mifis specifically for this reason, but he felt that was unreasonable and therefore dismisses the tool right out.

Strike 1.

Then my BFF had some questions about the new tool sets and was confused about the whole setup and the logistics of it. This is a legit concern and I agree that it can get confusing.

I sat down with her, drew a diagram and tried to help her understand the tool and how things are setup.

I can see that she’s confused and frustrated and that doesn’t help my anxiety and frustration either.

A part of me feels that I didn’t do a good job in training in dispelling in the information that they needed to get these users up to speed. A part of me was frustrated with Microsoft with how they setup their tools and how lacking some of their stuff is and another part of me was just tired of everything.

Strike 2.

I honestly wasn’t that mad or offended or even frustrated by this. I really don’t blame them. Again, her concern was legit and should be a concern to my team and me. It just shows that people need more training. Better training. Clear training.

For the rest of the day I was stressed, frustrated and definitely there were times when I just wanted to run, hide, and cry. My emotions and the pressure from the stress was too much, but eventually I relaxed and calmed down.

The thing that finally broke me happened while I was disconnected from everything.

There was a happy hour that afternoon and I decided to go because I needed a drink because of everything. Of course, my phone dies at happy hour, so I missed everything.

Getting in the car after everything there were a barrage of emails and conversations going back and forth about a disconcerting email that went out to many higher up and dozens and dozens of people throwing our tool under the bus.

There weren’t many specific details to the email but that this user was having problems sharing a PowerPoint presentation and called out the tool as the culprit.

The link that he sent worked fine, without any problems.

He never reached out to me or my team for any help and went ahead and just shat on the tool.

I was pissed. Fucking livid.

Strike 3.

That almost broke me. It was a culmination of everything.

EVERYTHING.

After dinner, my boss sent me a few emails giving us more insight into the issue.

Going over the emails, it was all user error. Fucking user error.

This fucking guy fucked up and instead of taking responsibility for it, he blamed the tool.

He sent out three emails in total. There are two hyperlinks to SharePoint files in both.

The excel file worked fine. The PowerPoint link was a link to an empty PowerPoint presentation.

The second email, he claimed to have sent the proper link, but the fucker sent a bad link in the hyperlink. He forgot to delete everything before he pasted the shareable link in the hyperlink. So, whenever users click on the link, it fails because it doesn’t know what that link is.

The third email was the one that I received initially, with just the link pasted in the email and it works.

ALL FUCKING USER ERROR.

It broke me.

During dinner, I was stress eating. I normally don’t go out to eat during the week, but I came home late, didn’t want to cook, and I was just looking to drown my sorrows and frustration in food.

Stress eating has been my drug of choice as of late.

I posted an IG post that was so true. That day was the first time in my almost decade tenure at the agency where I almost lost my shit around people. It was the first time that I wanted to fucking give up, break down, and cry.

This shit is breaking me.

After everything, and figuring out it was user error, I was over it. It wasn’t the tool, but the users.

* * *

I was in better spirits the next day.

Emails were coming in and the things that I had to do kept piling up but early in the morning, we had a conversation with the fucker and his boss.

My boss and I went down to discuss the situation.

There was a lot of push back and just confusion about everything.

Yes. Microsoft Teams can be confusing on how it was built with the dual SharePoint thing. The Teams SharePoint is a restricted SharePoint site, hence the difficulties in sharing out documents from time to time.

But, the situation from the night before wasn’t the tools fault. It was user error.

While showing them the tool, explaining to them about the Teams SharePoint and everything, I tried so hard to keep my cool. Apparently, I was shaking the whole time.

Either way, the thing that came out of it was that I’ll ramp up a proper SharePoint site and connect it to their Team. We have a training next week to go through everything.

Everyone was to blame in this situation. The tone of the email that was sent out. The fucker – not contacting IT when he had problems.

IT, us, me not doing proper training or not clarifying any issues.

We are all at fault.

Later in the afternoon, I had another discussion with my BFF with the tool and everything and it was a better conversation. I wasn’t so stressed and we all came to conclusion that we, the agency as a whole, shouldn’t be forced into one single process.

We all have to understand that different teams and groups work differently and shouldn’t need to adopt a workflow and process that really doesn’t apply to them.

IT can provide these teams tools and some standards and it’s a matter of figuring out how to implement these tools into their workflow.

That’s ultimately the big hurdle with my BFF’s team.

* * *

Change is here and many are against it.

That’s the gist of it.

It’ll be an ongoing battle and I honestly don’t want this to fail. I’ve poured so much of myself into this. It’s killing me.

I told my boss I’ll most likely have a mental breakdown in six months. I definitely believe that is true if things don’t go smoother.

There are many successes but it seems like there are so many other battles left.

Will it end?

If so, when?

* * *

I’m a phoney.

I was called one at least.

It all goes back to me being anti-social.

The Iranian still doesn’t see it that way, but who cares.

I find it funny and fascinating.

Many people actually see it that way.

I don’t like to go out. To me, that’s socializing. I don’t like parties, I don’t like clubs, I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like loud places.

I don’t mind getting a quiet dinner with a small group or with someone, but anything really outside of that…not much.

It is what it is.

* * *

Creativity.

I miss it. I miss those juices running through my body. I miss those thoughts and those sparks that make me giddy with joy as I get an idea of how to do something or write something.

I miss it.

I’m trying to get back into it. I’m trying to work my way, stretch that muscle again.

It’s going to be tough, but I want to do it.

I know that I want to write a Hallmark Christmas type movie, but I just don’t know what it’ll be.

I’m working on research, watching all the movies that I can when I have the time, but I’m so busy with work that it’s a little difficult.

I’ve seen a handful, but I need to watch more.

I need to think of a story, figure out what I want to say.

Then, the creativity can go, but my brain is so fried from work, it’s difficult.

Sigh.

First world problems.

I’m whining because I am too busy to think of anything creative to do.

Sigh.

* * *

Motivation.

I have no motivation to do anything.

None.

I don’t know if it is the stress from work that kills my drive to do anything or if I’m falling back into that old friend again.

There are times when I feel that my friend is here, that familiar gray of ickiness, but then there are times when I don’t think it is.

If it is, it’s a new type of friend, something that I haven’t dealt with or something I don’t remember.

It’s not the depression from high school or even college.

It’s something else.

Is it the rut again, the feelings that I felt during my MLC?

I don’t know. It’s familiar and at the same time, not.

I don’t know what it is.

There’s no wifi today at Volcano.

I can’t connect and I can’t figure out why. It didn’t error out saying the password is incorrect.

I don’t know. Hopefully they’ll fix it, if not, whatever.

I’m tired.

So tired.

Taking a break this weekend and not working even though I’m sure I can do some work, but I won’t. The whole SM office is in kind of a lock down this weekend since there’s a planned maintenance that requires the power to be shut down.

I won’t have access to the network and such to do any SharePoint work.

I’m sure I still can do some work at home, but nah.

I need a fucking break.

I need to rest. I don’t want to do anything.

Not a damn thing. Not even chores, but they must be done.

Tired.

Tired.

* * *

iOS 11.2.1

It’s killing my phone.

The battery drains and drains and I’ll need to charge it multiple times through the day.

If I leave it unplug through the night, I’ll wake up with around 20% battery. Sometimes more, but sometimes less. Not good.

I tried to roll back to 11.2, but it won’t let me restore the phone from the backup. It’ll let me restore from iCloud, but then it’ll automatically install 11.2.1, which I don’t fucking want.

Sigh.

Apple, you had a fucking rough 2017. Fucking fix your shit. Stop pushing out updates that fuck up phones.

iOS 11 is a fucking piece of shit. Sure, there are good things, but fuck man, just junk software. I’ve had problems with it since I installed it.

I thought with 11.2, it would fix everything and it did, but then 11.2.1 came out and fucked everything up again, much worse than the other releases.

Sigh.

Conspiracy theorists believe that they have been throttling performance for years and it came out that they do throttle performance on peak performance when the batter is not optimal.

Yeah, they fucked up. They’re still going to throttle your shit, but they apologized, so it’s okay, right?

Sigh.

Apple. Their quality seems to be going downhill the past few years.

Sigh.

* * *

Apathy.

Just not caring.

I think that’ll be my approach on this whole SharePoint migration. I need to stay out of it and not care when things don’t make sense.

It’s killing me. Stressed.

So stressed.

People.

They’re bringing me down.

* * *

Progress.

Dash.

It’ll be finished and launched soon. Fuckin ‘a. It’s been a long project, but I’m fucking glad that portion of it is over.

Project Management.

In a way, I love it, taking on a project and seeing it come to fruition, and finishing it, but at the same time, it is so stressful when things aren’t going well or taking too long and I don’t have control in getting the people to get their shit together and work and get things turned in on time.

I don’t have a knack for it, to push, to threaten. People will work the way they work and sometimes they are overextended and projects delay and delay.

Stress.

I don’t like it much.

I don’t need it.

Stress.

Blah.

Over it.

* * *

They finished my floors for the apartment.

It looks all right. I don’t mind it. It makes cleaning a lot easier when Pickles has an accident or get pissy, pun intended, which he already did. Cleaning was a breeze, wipe it up and go.

There’s no need to sprinkle baking soda over the mess and then wash the carpet. Mop and go.

Easy peasy.

There’s no smell to deal with as with the carpet, which just soaks up the aroma from the room.

I like it.

It’s an adjustment for sure, me deciding if I should wear slippers or go bare feet.

I’ve been wearing slippers since the floors were dirty. I swept it today and it felt better and when I get home I’ll mop the floor and we’ll go from there.

The pets aren’t a fan. Pickles slips around and his claws go clickity-clack all around. I don’t even see Relish walking around at all. She hides during the day and will come out from her spot once in a blue moon.

It’s an adjustment for everyone and I think it’ll be good in the long run.

It’s a change and change takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s different and sometimes different is what you’ve been striving for because old and same is just that, old and same.

Change it up. Switch it up.

* * *

Happy New Year.

I guess my strive for change keeps going.

Instead of writing in my usual, Volcano, I switched it up today and came to Coffee Tomo.

Why?

Because it was open.

It’s a long story.

My fear and anxiety of the whole floor remodel of my apartment came true. They weren’t even close to being finished.

There’s no cover over the cement floor. All my stuff stacked up in the bathroom and kitchen, exposing the open floor so they can get to work.

Most of the carpet was stripped, leaving a small patch where my dresser is in the closet.

It’s a mess and I don’t know when they’ll be finished.

Instead of doing my usual weekend routine of grocery shopping and coming back and watching youtube or what I thought I’d do this morning, which was reorganizing back to where they belong, I opted to just leave the house early.

It’s really not suitable to just chill there.

I called the Bob asking for an ETA and I have to call the vet tomorrow to extend my furkids stay.

So, 2018.

It’s going. It’s going and I have to be okay with it.

I have no control over the situation and I have to make the best of it.

I guess it’s a way to get me out of the house and it’s working.

I wanted to get out of the house more and do things and switch up my routine and it is happening.

Now, whether Coffee Tomo would be my new regular, that’s a stretch, but it’s an option.

Options are good.

It’s good to switch things up from time to time.

Be different.

Uproot routine.

* * *

A part of me seethes over the situation, but a large part of me is okay with it.

It was expected. My anxiety told me so.

Normally I would take a picture and IG it and be like…blah blah blah blah;

I’m still tempted to do it, but I think maybe not so much this time.

New Year.

Let’s do things different. Let’s be like The Last Jedi and subvert expectations.

Change requires a conscious effort. I know my routines. I know myself.

So, let’s be conscious of all the choices that I have and not act like I normally would. Slow down, weigh all of my choices and choose accordingly to how I feel and what makes sense to move myself to be a better person.

Let’s see how long this will last.

How long will I make a conscious effort to subvert my own expecations and my own nature for growth?

It’s a new year.

I already know that there’s a change coming. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a change in store for me.

I might as well help it along.

Just a little push to get things going.

* * *

Change.

It’s been on my mind lately. It’s been on my mind for a few years now.

I’ve always told myself that this would be the last time that I’ll grow my hair out and donate it.

I wouldn’t do it again for the foreseeable future.

Why?

It’s because I’ll be 40 soon. I know, I’m only 38 and in four months I’ll be 39.

I told myself that when I hit 40, I’ll give adulting a try.

I’ve been telling myself that for the past year or so, or however long I have been growing out my hair.

40.

Change.

Adulting.

What does that entail?

I know the last time that I had this feeling, this pressure to be an adult, to grow up, settle down. I remember that time.

I had a break down.

I had my mid-life-crisis. The MLC.

Will it be the same?

Will I be putting the same pressures on myself that I did years before? Will it fuck me up the same way that it did before or am I fixed enough, or even mature enough to handle it now?

I don’t know.

I guess in a way, I’m almost 39 and I still don’t fucking know what I want out of life.

All I know is that I love my life and I enjoy my life.

Again, sure, I bitch a lot and I know I take a lot of things for granted, but hot damn, my life is good.

I’m so fortunate compared to so many other people in the world.

So. Fucking. Fortunate.

Be more grateful.

Be more compassionate.

Stop being so quick to judge.

Hahha, that fucking judgmental asshole. I don’t know how, why, and when it became so prominent in my life, but I know it’s there and I don’t like it.

So, I’m giving myself 16 months to get me into adulting shape.

No fucking clue what that is, but let’s be nicer to myself and work out a little bit more.

I can feel my muscles atrophy.

Change.

It’s a lot of work. It’s scary, especially when you have no goals or an end point to strive for. When will you know you’ll be done with the change?

I guess that’s the thing with the type of change I’m talking about and want. There is no end.

It’s a constant need to grow and be a better person, a good person, a more desirable person.

Change.

It’s coming and so far, I’m getting a little push to make the change.

I think I’ll need all the help that I can get.

* * *

Here I am, back at Volcano.

I came back before it opened.

Small little baby steps.

I like the idea of life forcing me to change and make these little adjustments, but I also like the choice of making these choices too.

We shall see.

I think I’m done for today.

Keeping it short since I’ve been rambling on and on on here for a few days straight.

Let’s save some for next weekend.

2018.

It’s a weird start that’s testing my patience and I can overcome this.

2018.

It’s bringing it.