It’s been a good while that I’ve felt this rested.

I guess it all started around Thanksgiving and me getting drunk. I passed the fuck out on the couch, then went to bed, and slept well. I’ve been sleeping well ever since.

Why? Maybe because I don’t have the stomach pains anymore. I think I may have figured out what has been causing the pain, raw cabbage.

Fucking. Raw. Cabbage.

I love cabbage. I eat it as a salad/slaw. If I think I need some veggies in my noodles, fucking throw some cabbage in there. It’s easy and green. Not so nutritious, but I don’t care. They’re veggies.

I need to figure out an alternative. Lettuce? Maybe. I always have spinach on hand, but it’s not the same as the cabbage. Ahhh, what am I to do.

First world problems I know, but man, I’m glad I kind of figure out that problem and know now to avoid it.

Onto the next issue, whatever it may be.

* * *

The ickiness.

Is it back or did it morph into another form.

Nothing in my life has changed. I’m living my life like I normally would. Nothing really changed, but I don’t know, it seems like I have no motivation to do anything.

Not anything in the sense of I want to roll up in bed and not face the world, no, not that. I’m out and about, doing what I need to do, but it’s something else.

Maybe I’m reading into things, but it seems that I’m on my tablet all the time, reading up on the news or reading memes.

Is that depression or is that a thing to pass the time. I usually do it before bed, or when I have a break or when I’m bored watching a show.

I don’t think I am. I don’t feel like I am, but who knows.

Depression is a tricky little thing.

I think I’m just bored with all the shows that I’m watching and that there is so much content out there that I feel pressure to watch something, but don’t know what to watch. I’m so behind.

I think that’s just a general feeling about everything. There’s just too much.

What to choose to watch? There’s that sense of FOMO, but eh, I guess I’ll get to things when I get to things and just deal with the onslaught of media to watch and catch up on.

They’re not going to go anywhere. They’ll always be there.

* * *

People watching.

That’s all I’m doing now.

People watching.

I watch people come and go, getting out of their cars and going into whatever restaurant that they want to have lunch.

I’m debating what I’m going to do this afternoon. I know that I need to iron, but was thinking about going to the Farmer’s Market. Maybe not.

I want to make some crème brulee today and that’ll take about an hour or so to get everything ready.

Who knows what I’m going to do? I’ll just wing it when I get home.

* * *

Work.

Back to work tomorrow. Back to the grind and then it’ll be a month before break and a little under two weeks for the Christmas Party.

Am I ready? I am.

I’ve been ready. I’ve been waiting for this year to be over so I can start new.

I’m waiting for this shitty year to go away and be a distant memory.

What will next year have to offer? No fucking clue.

Let’s check the horoscopes, shall we?

All bullshit of course with conflicting sites telling me I will have a great year to another site saying that it’ll be sucky. Ahhh, astrology, a pseudo-science that one should take with a grain of salt.

What does my Chinese horoscope say?

Same shit. Some say it’ll be bad and others say that it’ll be pretty good, but watch out.

Horoscopes make it vague enough where anything can happen.

Fascinating.

I guess there’s no way to see how next year will turn out until it comes.

I didn’t expect this year to be the way it was. Nothing prepared me for it.

It was a struggle, but in the end, it’s almost over and there were a lot of lows filled with some highs.

With this entry, it’ll be one of the more productive years I had on this little blog of mine. It’ll tie the number of entries since the year I first started this little therapy session.

45.

Let’s see how it goes.

* * *

Thanksgiving is over and now we’re onto Black Friday.

What am I doing? Avoiding all stores. No interesting in going out and shopping. None.

I’ve done my shopping this morning in the comfort of my home. Online shopping is where it’s at. Fuck the crowd. Fuck the people.

So now, my day will be like any other day on the weekend, me writing and then going home and figuring shit out like a couch potato.

Simple.

My life.

Simple.

* *

The dishes I cooked last night were successful overall. I had some gripes, like the lamb didn’t have enough flavor. I should have rubbed some salt and pepper on that shit before I put it in the over. It was good though.

The mac and cheese thickened up way too much. I think the next time I’m going to remove the egg. I think that’s what I did last time too and it was just creamy. No egg.

I loved the eggplant with the miso glaze and the green beans were all right. I wonder what it would be like if I used the traditional green beans. It’ll be more hearty and beefy for sure.

The creamed corned turned out really well. I enjoyed that one too and I didn’t put that much cream in it. So, I’m happy for that. Not bad.

Overall, a success, but man, did I hit a fucking food coma afterward.

Too much food. Too much wine.

Wine headache.

Blah, but I feel rested today.

That’s all that matters.

Rested.

* *

Considering it is Thanksgiving time, I’ve been thinking about what I’m thankful for.

In all honesty, I don’t know. I usually don’t think about shit like this, but tis the time, so why not.

Thankful.

What the fuck am I thankful for? In no particular order, here we go.

1. Being alive
2. Pickles
3. Relish
4. Family
5. My feet. I love walking, I love exploring and they allow me to do that.
6. Being employed
7. Being independent. I know I stress this often and I will stress it until the day I die. My independence is important to me. Without it, I wouldn’t know what I would do.
8. Scott. The Carters. They saved my life when I really needed it some genuine people in in my life. They will forever be family.
9. People. I know, me saying, I’m thankful for people. What has gotten into me? I meant it in the way that I’m thankful for all of the different people that I interact with during my day to day, my coworkers, and sometimes, total strangers. They are all right. They give me the socializing that any human needs. People.
10. To be able to travel. I love traveling and I’m glad that I’m able to do it.
11. For being a citizen. I know currently, being an American in this state of affairs isn’t great and I’m not happy with how America is now, but this too will pass. Being an American gives me privileges that many aren’t afforded around the world. I’m grateful that I have that.
12. Writing. It has been my therapy for a long time. This little void of mine, this personal space, helped me heal.

So, that really didn’t go as planned. I’m sure I wrote many other things (not so much different), but that draft never saved.

I winged it and hopefully one day I can come back and edit this list or make a new one.

We shall see.

* * *

Day 2.

Well, I’m already well into day 2. Many of the items up top have been part of day 2, but let’s proceed.

Where to go? What to write?

I woke up to a younger cousin of mine sending me a picture of a saying on Instagram, asking me what does it mean.

Too often the things you want the most are the things you can’t have

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out

But as tough as wanting something can be, the ones who suffer the most

are those who don’t know what they want.

I went on trying to explain to him what I think it means, that having desire, dreams gives people motivation to live life and that not knowing what they want is the worse. They are so lost in life; they are like zombies going from meal to meal.

Everyone should have dreams that they should work towards and if they fail, then at least they tried.

It’s okay to fail and experience that heartbreak. It gives your life meaning, something to look forward to.

I’ve been lost. I’ve been through my quarter life crisis and that was one of the worst times of my life. Being lost. Fuck, I sure don’t want to experience that again.

I tried to break it down some more with other idioms that he may have heard of.

It’s better to have loved and lost, then to have not love at all.

You miss all the shots you don’t have.

I think he got the gist of the sentiment.

It seems that he has some friends that are just pissing their life away, not living up to their potential and they come up with excuses why they fail, etc etc, or that they are insecure and are afraid of failure and he’s trying to help them, but they don’t listen.

Negative people. We all have that side of in us, those insecurities. It’s only human.

You can’t save everyone. Only they can save themselves, you can only help, when they need it. Otherwise, it’s their life; let them make their own decisions. You have no control over that.

You only have control over your life, live it the way you want.

It’s selfish, but hey, it’s okay to be selfish.

I think I’m one of the most selfish people that I know. I only look out for myself and my self-interest.

He’s seen what selfishness can do and was told not to be selfish, but I told him, I’m fucking selfish.

I worry about my happiness and that’s how it should be. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t be a dick about it.

Just don’t be a dick.

Lesson. Don’t be a dick.

Just don’t.

* * *

Photography.

The last time that I did a photography project was the 365 in 2015. But, I’ve been using my camera almost consistently since then.

2016. I’ve had all of the vacation trips.

2017. I’ve had all of the work shoots and some vacations along with the food projects that I’ve been doing for the past few years.

I’m itching to get back into it. The Iranian helped get my interest back because she’s trying to get into it, but it’s always something to keep me busy.

I know that I have a lot of film left and I think I’m going to finish shooting those and hope for the best. Why waste the film? Shoot it and process it out and hope for the best.

Let’s go analog.

I think it’ll be fun and interesting and maybe it’ll help me with my photography again. I think it’ll help me get better at the mechanics of photography instead of just pointing and shooting.

I have to slowly think about what I’m shooting, not wanting to waste film. Each snap of the shutter counts.

Let’s see how it goes. I guess I don’t have to wait until next year to start. I already have a camera locked and loaded and it’s been sitting on my bookshelf for the past couple of years. It’s probably all fucking shit and faded now, but we’ll see.

Man, it must have been at least four or five years old.

Should I start new?

Maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

The weekend is almost over and then we’re off to a short week.

Thanksgiving approaches and I can’t wait. I spent the whole weekend mulling over what I’m going to cook.

I know that a lamb shoulder roast is on the menu, but was unsure of how to prepare it. Now, I have an idea.

As for the sides, that didn’t come together until this morning.

I’m craving mac & cheese, so yeah, I’m mac-ing-&-cheesing it. I’ll most likely make another kimchi and spam mac & cheese and just freeze whatever I can’t eat. I’m learning to love making things in abundance and freezing for a later date.

Looking at my menu, it’ll be a lot of freezing and eating later.

I have creamed corn on the menu. It will not be very traditional. I’m still working on the recipe for this one, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

Up next, gochujang green beans. I found a simple recipe online and I like that it’s blistered.

Should I go with another veggie? I’m unsure, but I’m sure I’ll have a craving for something or something will come up.

Right now, I’m debating if I should make dessert.

The Long Time Coming – Party of One – Zen Out Thanksgiving 2017 Menu:

1. Harissa Roasted Lamb Shoulder with Herb Yogurt Sauce
2. Blistered Gojuchang Green Beans
3. Kimchi Spam Mac & Cheese
4. Light Creamed Corn
5. Dessert (If any) – No Fucking Idea

The menu looks good. I can finish my cooking project with this meal with the green beans, lamb, and the creamed corn.

The only dish that I’m worried about is the creamed corn. I don’t know if I want to use actual cream or go with the Greek yogurt, which I’ll need for the dipping sauce for the lamb, anyway. Of course, I’ll spice it up and make it different, but not sure how I’m going to go about it. I’ll have to look up a few more recipes.

Dessert.

That’s never been a big thing for me. I usually do it because it was a challenge or that I’m way behind on my cooking project. Since, this meal will push me over, I may not need it and plus, that’s a lot of fucking food and is there fucking room for dessert?

I was thinking of crème brulee, but the oven will be in use for most of the day, so probably not. What is there to make?

A possibility would be cannoli, but I don’t have the time to get a little roll thingy to make a proper shell so, it’ll have to be chips, which is doable. The filling looks easy, ricotta, sugar, and some kind of chocolate or candy. The shell will be the problem, but I’m sure I can whip it up in a pinch.

* * *

After Thanksgiving, I’ll have to start thinking about Christmas and what to cook.

I find it funny that I usually cook the same thing all the time when I cook during Christmas. I cook so many different things while I’m here, but I never cook those things while I’m up there.

It’s usually some kind of roasted veggie and then some pasta dishes and rarely any dessert.

The same same same. Never really experimented while I’m up there. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fuck up a dish, or maybe I just don’t care, because everything I cook is quick and easy and I have limited access to the oven because of the roast that is cooking.

No idea, but I guess I can switch it up maybe. Maybe I’ll make some fresh egg noodles and do a chow mein or something.

No idea.

None.

I’ll figure something out when the time comes. I usually do and I guess with Christmas being on Monday, I have the whole weekend to think about what to make and prep too.

I guess some of the reason is that everything different that I cook is for the cooking project and they are things that I’ve only cooked once for the cooking project. I don’t want to cook it for family if it is only my second time, especially if it is something more complicated.

Pasta, easy. I do that all the time.

Green beans, possibly. I have to figure out the seasoning, but that should be easy, but c’mon, harissa lamb shoulder roast that takes 5 hours? No, I don’t have the time for that.

Who knows, maybe I’ll experiment with something substantial this year? Eh.

I don’t want to think about it.

It’s going to be an interesting time when I go back. So much had happened to me this year, so much shit. I don’t want to get into a conversation about Relish with M’s.

It really had been a very anti-family year this year, except for my bro.

Very anti-family.

I guess we all need breaks, long breaks, from time to time.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Come on skinny love just last a year

I’m just hoping I could finish out this year without any big problems. I can’t wait for the year to be over.

It’s been rough.

Work.

I need to stop caring. I need to let things go. The control freak in me won’t allow me to do that, but it has to learn.

Stop caring.

I don’t care about many things, but for some reason, with work, it’s a little bit different. I guess it affects me and I’m the one that is facilitating the big transition and I just want it done right.

I guess that’s my thing, because I’m taking care of it, I have a need to make sure everything goes right.

I can’t blame anyone but me if things don’t.

Hence, I care.

I need to have faith on the others on the team. A new PM came on board and I think we’ll be in safer hands.

I think I can start letting things go and have faith that she’ll steer us in a good direction, to see things through, and be on top of things.

I need to have faith.

I have to trust it.

Let it go.

I have to, for my own sanity.

Until this is over over and we find a new balance of work, I’m going to find ways to help me relax.

I need to get back into living a healthier lifestyle.

Meditation.

Yoga.

Exercise.

Sensory deprivation.

I need to focus on my health.

Let’s do it.

* * *

My stomach issues are back again.

I thought it was the magnesium that I was taking, but I stopped and now the cramps are back again.

I now have to figure out what I ate that is causing the problem.

What’s the trigger?

It’ll be a long process but it’ll be something that I have to get serious about. I don’t think I can fucking survive if this is a constant thing.

All my tests results have returned negative, so it has to be my diet.

Maybe after the holidays, when I have more control over my diet, I’ll get back on another cleanse to get my stomach back into shape. I’ll be more diligent on logging everything I’m eating and figuring out what it is that is fucking me up.

Seriously, fuck my life. Fuck it.

I need to control my stress eating too. It doesn’t help, but I guess stress eating is better than stress drinking? Win?

In my book, that’s kind of a win.

* * *

Can’t explain all the feelings you’re making me feel / My heart’s in overdrive and you’re behind the steering wheel

The Darkness just came on and of course Ms. Goodbar pops in my head.

It’s her jam. It’s her singing in the shower song.

It’s interesting to see how our relationship and our interactions have blossomed after that little going away happy hour.

Before, it’ll just little smiles here and there with our passing glances and now, there’s some flirtation going on.

It’s nice. It’s a little playful, and it’s definitely much needed distraction from most everything else at work.

* * *

Motivation.

I don’t have much motivation to watch any of my shows anymore.

It’s not that they are boring, though, some are, I think it’s just that there is so much content out there that I just don’t want to watch anything anymore. There’s a sense of FOMO if I miss something, so I just say fuck it and not watch anything.

All I want is to surf the web, look at memes, read the news and possibly read a book.

I don’t know. Maybe, hopefully, it’s just a phase because of all the stress that I’ve been going through and I need some different kind of mind numbing stimulation.

I know that the above statement is along the lines of an oxymoron, “mind numbing stimulation”, but it works.

C’est la vie.

I think I’m just going to go home, throw on a show, movie or even some stand up and just cook and forget the world.

Ahhh, to forget the world.

Sounds great.

Sounds awesome.

Bliss.

Forget.

The world.

Tired.

Sigh.

Here’s another post about me being tired.

These are happening more and more often.

It’s been busy at work and stressful. We’re ramping up the launch of our new system and it’s a lot of planning and meetings and planning and meetings.

My body hasn’t been resting well and I guess it finally caught up to me. I had to take a sick day on Thursday and I’m still not 100%.

I should be resting today, but here I am.

I plan to do a lot of cooking today and look forward to it, but I need a damn nap.

Sigh.

<center* * *

Not sure what to write about today.

Not sure if there is anything on my mind besides work, which I’m trying to forget and push out of brain. I know it’ll be ridiculous busy for the next few weeks and I want it to be over.

Can it be over already?

Please?

I know I’m whining when I shouldn’t, but damn

Yeah, yesterday wasn’t a good day. I was still tired from my ickiness and was nonstop since I got in. I was pulled into meetings and discussions and meetings and more and help and everything.

I thought having the developer would be helpful, but I guess being the project manager and the go to guy on this rollout has quite a bit of responsibilities that I wasn’t expecting.

C’est la vie.

It’ll get better and I’ll suck it up and stop whining.

I will.

I will.

* * *

Looking up recipes on how to do a gochujang pot roast. I think I may have found something, just need to think it through.

While looking up recipes for pot roast, it’s giving me ideas to do tacos with the leftover meat. Hells to the yeahs. I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve been craving tacos for a while. Actually, I’ve been craving Mexican for a while.

Win win.

I need some winning in my life, even though it seems that I’m winning at work. It doesn’t feel that way.

Fuck man, I’m talking too much about work.

* * *

I stare out the window.

Not sure what to type, unsure about the thoughts running in my head. Should I put them down on paper or should I just let them die their slow misty fade into the ether like most of my thoughts and memories?

I haven’t been so unsure about something in a while and it throws me off.

It’s not quite an existential crisis but more of a crisis of the mind.

My body, broken, beaten, strives for its younger days when there wasn’t anything that could have broken it. Now it just screams in pain at every little thing.

So broken. So damaged.

Time can do that to you. With time comes entropy. It’s the natural order.

I push the thoughts away, as I push people away.

I stare back out the window at the life passing me by. People live their active lives as I live mine in stillness.

* * *