We’re just nine days in. Nine!

In nine days, he pretty much turned America upside down. In nine days, he set out to do everything that he promised on the campaign trail and I have to admit, he’s actually fucking doing it. He’s actually following through on his promises.

I don’t know if I should be impressed or not. I set the bar so low on his presidency that I didn’t know what to expect. He’s a wildcard, a man who’s so into his persona that is all he shows.

I thought he might be different from that once he takes office. There was a bit of optimism in me that he’ll become an actual human being and let his persona and whatever facade that he puts up to get the votes fade away and actually be presidential.

I was wrong. We’re just fucking nine days in. Fucking NINE.

The world is upside down. The nation is in an uproar over his executive orders.

At the rate that he’s going, I don’t think he’ll last six months before he gets kicked out of the office.

Whatever optimism I had for his presidency is now gone and realism sunk in.

We’re fucked.

I’m just going to let things go like I normally do and just go on about my life. On a micro level, my life won’t change. My day-to-day won’t change.

I’ll follow up on the news to be informed, but I won’t be incensed like the rest of the nation is. I’ll sit back and just laugh at the joke that is now the Presidency of the United States of America.

America has lost its North Star and now in a downward spiral.

Trump will be the last greatest American President. After a few more months, I don’t think there will be an “America” that I recognize anymore.

Sigh.

Welcome to politics.

Welcome to the new America.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year!

Gung Hay Fat Choi!

It’s the year of the Rooster and from everything that I read, it’ll be an okay year, but no relationships! Status quo.

Another year of status quo and I’m quite okay with that. Very okay with that.

* * *

There have been so many protests and marches because of Trump in his first nine days than I have ever fucking seen.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Holy fucking hell.

* * *

I’m at a point where I’m just reading up on the news and anticipating what is next.

It’ll definitely be something ridiculous.

‘murica!

* * *

Tarot.

Readings.

I’m the type of the person who likes to believe in signs and destiny and all that mumbo jumbo bullshit. It’s entertainment and at times entertaining with some of the predictions that happens. It is what it is.

These are things that one should take with a grain of salt.

But what if the whole aura and personal energy of the mystics are true and each and every one emits their energy out into the world to be read and mingled with the Earth’s and the cosmos’s energy and they determine your fate and destiny? What if?

Again, grain of salt.

There’s a receptionist at my work who does readings. She’s in tune with the mystics and from time to time I’ll take readings from her. These are simple readings, no formations or what not. Just think about a question and pull a card.

I’ve even had MD pull a few cards for me.

Of course, whenever I pull a card I want to know about love or about a girl, but it seems that all the cards that I pull are great cards. But they don’t apply to my question in hand.

They seem more about my state of mind or my state of being and where I am in my life. They all describe my life and how I am feeling, which is confident, balanced, direction, I have a path, etc. etc.

They are all great things and they all apply to my life right now. I am experiencing all of these things and am in a great place in my life.

With this positive energy, how does it apply to the questions that I asked.

From what I can gather, live my life as I am living now. Follow this path and don’t force anything. Things will happen when it happens. I have a direction; I have a path in my life and I just have to let it happen.

Don’t force it.

So, I should just let things happen organically. It’s not like I am a man of inaction, I am a man of security. It must feel right and it must feel secure and sometimes that takes time to figure out.

Or maybe that’s just me telling myself that I am on the right track but that I’m afraid and therefore I don’t act.

* * *

The year just started and I’m already thinking about my birthday trip already. I would like to do another short getaway to nature and I am thinking the Carlsbad Caverns National Park in Carlsbad, NM.

It’ll be a 13 hour or so drive. I think the question for me to figure out is what days that I want to take off and how I should plan the drive, whether I should just take one day to drive there and one day to drive back and two days at the caves OR take two days to drive there, two days at the cave, and then one day to drive back.

I’m sure I’ll have everything figured out when the times gets closer and I have a better understanding of how much time I have off for everything. I still need to keep our European Trip in mind when planning my trips along with possible work trips.

The work trips are iffy because they aren’t any major renovation or upgrades. Most of the work are setting up new users and that can be taken care of from SM.

I just want to leave it open in case there is a need for me to travel, but in all honesty, Carel will probably be handling these travels if there is a need. Of course he will.

* * *

At the moment, my little health scare that I had before and during the break seems to be over.

I checked my blood pressure today and it seems to be back to normal. I have my physical on Wednesday and hope that everything checks out okay.

I do want to get my stomach issues looked at more closely ’cause it is definitely fucking with me and I don’t understand why. It’s pissing me the fuck off. What’s wrong with me?

With the new year and the issues I had, I started to run when I got back into town. It lasted three days. My knee started to hurt. It’s the usual knee pain that I’ve had most of my life.

Fuck my knees. I stopped running and to let it heal and I still haven’t run since then.

I’ve been doing yoga at home instead. I’m slowly working my way into it again. I found a series of videos on YouTube and I’ve been doing that. We’re taking it slow, which is good for me. I’m getting good stretches in my body, but I still need to find ways to get my heart rate up, more cardio that is low impact on my knees.

Maybe yoga is all I need. I don’t know, but I need to focus on my health. That’ll be one of my projects this year. Better health.

I am getting old and I should worry and focus on living a healthier lifestyle.

Maybe I should change my diet. I haven’t decided yet.

Honestly, it’s not like my diet is horrible. It’s actually not bad. I cook about 6 nights of the week using whole ingredients and limit my intake of processed foods. I’m getting into the habit of making things from scratch if I can.

It’s good.

I don’t eat a lot of red meat. I do eat it, but not as much as I use to, just a few times a month and I’m adding more and more veggies to my diet.

Wheat. That’s the big question. Is it bad for me? Do I have an actual problem with gluten?

I don’t think so, but I have been eating a lot more bread than I normally do and it’s because I’m in the habit of baking.

I should do the no carb thing or at least no wheat and dairy and no corn and peas for a month and see how I feel. It’ll be a true Whole 30 diet.

After the Chinese New Year. February. That’ll be the time to do it since I will have more control over my diet then.

Let’s see.

* * *

Hipster.

The tarot reader asked if I was a hipster the other day. MD came to my defense and said I am my own person.

Hipster.

I am not a hipster. I don’t see myself as a hipster. There is really nothing NOTHING hipster about me, but most everyone thinks I am one.

Offended.

Very offended.

WHY?

I don’t think I dress like a hipster. I dress more like a preppy dude then a hipster, but I guess the lines are blurred and I don’t understand it.

I don’t have the temperament or the attitude of a hipster.

I don’t do things just to be original or like particular things just to be different.

I will never understand it.

I guess I’ll have to find someone to talk to who don’t know me much and ask how they see me, ’cause I honestly don’t fucking get it.

I don’t fucking get it.

Well, not really erotica live.

Over the break I found a new podcast, My Dad Wrote a Porno.

The premise is simple, one of the hosts’ father wrote some erotica, Belinda Blinked, and every week, he’ll read a chapter to his two friends and record their reactions and commentary.

Hilarious.

It’s a great podcast and it got me to wonder if there any good legitimate erotica that is modern day or even YA.

After a Google search, there are quite a few.

I haven’t read any of them of course, but it piqued my interest to write my own. I have zero faith in it being good, but it is something worth looking into.

I’ll self-publish it on amazon prime as an ebook or something. Who knows?

I just have to figure out a story, or should I just write and a story would develop. It’s one of those things, me being a writer, I have no clue about. Outlining is important to get a story structure, but then again, I’m a bad writer.

Maybe it’ll be something that I’ll incorporate into my prose project from last year. Too much to think about.

I know I do want to be published and it is just time to fucking do things.

Should I use a pen name? Maybe with the erotica, I should.

Lots of research now.

The first entry.

This is the first full entry that I wrote in the new year. The last one, posted on the first was started well before, so, this is the first.

The good news, the great Hope at work happened. We got some major new business and the next three months will be hectic with bringing on a flood of new people and preparing the agency for the new work.

Also, the Teams Task Force is going all out with a trial of MS Teams and I’ll be a big part of it for training and troubleshoot.

I find it funny that there are quite a few people in the task force don’t understand the scope of the project. They all insist on making it a comparison with Slack when that shouldn’t be the case. It should be whether MS Teams is a good and efficient tool in doing work and nothing else. If it is, then great. If it isn’t, then we’ll have to pass.

So, work is going to be crazy, but it’ll be a good crazy and things are looking up and up. Let’s just hope the economy doesn’t tank under the new administration.

Hope.

* * *

The New Year.

It’s going and I’m going along with it.

I’ve made a significant dent in my cooking project already. I’ve already five dishes in and today will be the sixth with a Spicy Tomato and Onion Jam. I was inspired by the burrata dish that we had at Marzano’s up in Tacoma over Christmas break.

I thought it’ll go well with bread and so I’m baking a few loaves over this weekend. Six loaves, in which I’ll give five away.

With these loaves, I’ve upped the hydration to 70% and hope to get a good grasp on the dough and have an open crumb. I’m using the same technique that I used for the 65% hydration dough from Trevor J. Wilson at Breadwerx.com.

I am confident that at least a few of the loaves will turn out okay, even though I didn’t follow his recipe to a T. I forgot to put the freshly mixed dough in the fridge and then take it out for the overnight autolysis. I just mixed and left it out. But, I think it’ll be fine. It was a little cool last night, so the heat wouldn’t affect it too much.

I guess we shall see tomorrow.

I think I’m going to do a 10+ hour cold proof in the fridge and bake it in the afternoon tomorrow.

Then, I can have my burrata and tomato jam. I can’t wait.

I don’t know why I’ve been so gung ho about cooking this year. On the first, I decided to do the traditional Southern New Year’s tradition that the Carters introduced to me; eating black-eyed-peas, collard greens, and fried chicken to start the New Year.

The peas are for luck/fortune, whereas the collards are for money/wealth. I didn’t make the cornbread from scratch, but used a box mix instead. I still counted it, I didn’t care. It was a little dry, but I think that’s how cornbread should be.

I’m not sure.

That feast was a little impromptu and was more of an urge to make and since it was meant to be eaten on New Year’s Day, I had a time limit to just do it, otherwise I’d have to wait another fucking year.

I had originally planned to make umbricelli instead, but I put that on the back burner for a day or two.

Umbricelli is a flour and water based pasta where you roll out the noodles by hand instead of using a machine. The noodles will be round and thicker and very rustic, taking different sizes and length.

It was amazing. There was a great chew to the noodles and the beef and mushroom ragu I made the night before was amazing. I used a plain can of tomato sauce and added my own flavors. Next time, I’ll use tomato puree and make my own sauce instead.

The trick to creating a tomato sauce is to make it the day before. Overnight sauce adds more flavor and is just plain better.

* * *

I was ambitious last night with my fifth dish of the project. Kimchi.

I still had a head of napa cabbage from Sister in my fridge and wanted to do something with it. I didn’t know if it was rotten or old or what, I just know that I wanted to make something out of it and thought of kimchi.

I got the ingredients and started to work on it. The cabbage was a little old, but I used it anyway. I didn’t want to go out to the store and buy a fresh head.

It’s a long and arduous process, but it’s actually pretty simple to make.

I decided to make a cucumber kimchi also with the remaining paste.

The cabbage kimchi will sit out on my kitchen floor for about two days before I put it in the fridge to ferment for another day or two before I open it and taste it. The cucumber kimchi should be ready tonight. It’s been in the fridge and I have no idea how any of it is going to turn out.

I have faith that it’ll be edible, but who knows.

* * *

Cooking. Being alone. Solitude.

It just heals my mental health. I just cook and listen to a book or even some stand-up comedy. Something to pass the time.

It’s so much a part of my life and habit now, that I can’t imagine not doing it.

Let’s see if I can focus on other aspects of my life and hobbies, like writing.

The year is still early and long. There’s a lot of time to do everything.

* * *

Something came to my mind last night as I was falling asleep. I wondered what I wrote in that little Happy Things list that I wrote when I first started this blog 13 years ago.

It was something that Lisa tasked me to do, to help with getting my mind out of the gutter and to lift me out of my depression after my father passed away. It was a kind of therapy if you will.

I looked over the little list this morning and I found it to be a mish-mash list of things, times, and events that made me happy. It consisted of Jack-in-the-Box 99 cents tacos, to fried chicken, to the memory of my first real drink after I turned 21. They were little small moments in my life and fond memories that warms my heart.

It was a good list.

I did another similar list back in January 2014. This list wasn’t as exhaustive as the first one and was more about things that actually made me happy. Cooking. Food. Hiking. Streaming. Thoughts and feelings.

I made that list when I first started going to therapy. It was well before I had my epiphany and breakthrough with my dad’s death and I was still going through my mid-life-crisis, but it was still a good list.

It was also close to 11 years after I wrote the first list, so I was a different person at that time. Looking at the list, one can see the maturity in the things that made me happy.

I feel like making another list, but I don’t know what the list should be. Things that make me happy? Things that stick in my mind? Are there any other things that came into my life that I haven’t already written down in these two lists?

I’m sure there is, but should I wait another 10 years to write another one? Too soon?

Or maybe it’ll be a different list with my new insight in life, being free and a little more fixed from the issues I had with my dad. I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just write a list with whatever that comes to my mind and just go from there; a general observation of me, if you will.

Here we go, a stupid list, Just a List:

1. Being boring.

   I see myself as a boring person, yet interesting at the same time. What do I mean? I think other people would think I am boring. I don’t go out. I don’t socialize or do any cool things like hang out with friends or go to concerts or parties. I don’t do things with other people and I can be a little quiet at times, especially if I have nothing to say or if I’m in a large group.

   But in a way, I think I’m interesting. I think the solo things that I do are interesting. My love of art and photography, reading, cooking, hiking, and traveling and I’m sure other little things that I do. I think they are all interesting hobbies and I’ve had some very great experiences in all the different places that I’ve been.

   It’s a weird dichotomy, but I guess in a way, everyone thinks what they do is interesting and that most everyone think they are boring.

2. Self-awareness.

   I’ve always been an introspective person. Ever since high school when I was trying to figure out myself and why I was the way I am. There was that pressure that I was feeling, my depression and I was trying to figure myself out to get myself out of it. It took a lot of work and I finally understood what I was going through and the building pressure that I was putting on myself because of my parents.

   As I grew, I learned a lot about myself and accepted my many faults and strengths and made an effort to find what I still needed to work on in my life and to figure out a way to fix it. Growing up is an everyday project and it never ends. As I make noted in my yearly blogs around the end of the year and on my birthday, if I am not learning, I’m not growing.

   It’s important for me to know who I am and just be comfortable with who I am. I’ve struggled with my identity for so long, to fit in and feel comfortable in my own skin that I know I just want to always be a better version of myself. Self-awareness gives me the foresight to do that.

   I know I have many faults to work on. I know I need to stop being so stubborn, to go out more, to be open to letting someone in. They are all a work-in-progress. I’m a work-in-progress.

   Baby steps.

3. Communication.

   I would like to think that I’m an open book. Many people don’t see that, even those who work with me daily probably don’t think that I’m an open book. I am. It’s just that I’m a special kind of open book. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me, you just have to ask.

   I’m not going to willy-nilly just drop something personal out just like that. If I have a personal anecdote that I could say during a conversation and if it comes up organically, yes, I’ll tell you, but other than that, most people will just have to ask.

   It’s a weird way to do it, but it is the way I am. I don’t see any other way.

   But how does this apply to communication, because it’s all about information. It’s about being clear with what you are trying to say, and the easiest way is to be honest about things. Don’t lie.

   I tend to be very forward also and blunt in some of my interactions, especially if it is work and I need to get information. All small talk falls to the way side. All cutesy language. Don’t beat around the bush and just say what you mean so people can’t interpret what you say differently from how you intend it to mean.

   It’s still a work-in-progress to get everything clear since I’m not a big talker, but it is something that I am aware of and want to work on.

   Communicate. Be honest. Be clear. It’s the easiest way to clear up any confusion, to get everyone on the same page.

4. Fear and insecurities.

   I’m not fearless and I’m not confident in many aspects of my life. Even though at times it may look that way, but I’m like most everyone else, full of fears and insecurities.

   Look at this little blog of mine, spilling out all my anxiety and neurosis. It’s all about my fears and insecurities.

   In a way, they are good things to have. These are things that one should work on overcoming. It makes you feel alive, while at the same time, keep you alive. It makes one take life a little more cautious and a little less cavalier.

   One of my biggest fears is getting my heart broken again. Like I claimed before, my heart currently only has room from my family and my furkids, no more. Losing my grandma and especially my father shattered my ability to love. It’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m still single today. I don’t think my heart would be able to take it.

   It’s that fear of obtaining the one thing that makes you happy and then getting it stripped away out of your control. FEAR. But I know it’s rational, but it is something that I must overcome if I want to experience love and to be with someone.

   I must be willing to go through that pain again, to allow for that possibility, be more vulnerable and to let someone in.

   I just have to realize that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, especially on this aspect of life. I know that it’s not the end of the world. I survived my father’s death and I’m sure that I’ll survive losing love and even something as silly as being rejected.

   I don’t ask girls out because of that fear and then there are times when I’m in a relationship that I feel that I’m just not interesting enough to keep the girl. Insecurities.

   My life is full of them. It’s a mindset. I must suck it up and own my life.

   I’ve prostrated so many times on this blog that this is my life and this is how I want to live my life and I’m happy about it, so I shouldn’t give a fuck about it, but like any other person, we all have these insecurities.

   It’ll be a forever long progress, but as I’ll, little by little, overcome these fears and insecurities and they’ll be replaced by new ones as I go into a different phase of my life. I can’t worry about those yet, but should focus on the ones that I fix now.

5. Pessimism.

   This is tricky. I know for the longest time that I was a pessimist, but many years ago, I adopted more of a realist attitude than a pessimistic one. It fits with how I see life, shit happens. Life is neither just good or bad, but something in between. There are good things and bad things.

   Many think that I’m very negative and I can see that, but there’s a large part of me that is optimistic, it’s just balanced with that negative side. I see and understand a lot of people and the world and how things work. I’m not blind to just pessimistic or optimistic blinders.

   I take into account that sometimes; things don’t work out the way they are supposed to be and failure is a part of life. Not everything will go your way and you should prepare for that. You do and try to get what you want, but sometimes you are not successful. In a way, it’s about tempering expectations.

   I know that I need to work on it more, be a little optimistic in my life and how I want things to be and go, but there’s always that part of me that keeps that in check. Maybe I should just think the best of everything.

   I spoke about this numerous times, that out of the blue there’s this sense of optimism that popped up many many years ago and it is still here. I still believe in the end, everything will work out okay. It’ll never be life or death.

   Things will be okay and I should be a little more positive in everything.

   Maybe it’s something for me to work on in 2017.

6. Action.

   I daydream quite a bit. My mind tends to wander into its own little fantasy world where I act on my thoughts, like asking the girl out, or saying the right things, or even doing things or going to places without a care.

   Unfortunately, that is never true because most everything that I’ve listed here holds me back on these thoughts. My fears, insecurities, neurosis; they all hold me back.

   I’m disappointed in these bouts of wishful thinking and knowing that I’ll never do anything about it. I get mad at myself when these thoughts creep into my mind and all I’m doing is just hoping and wishing that they come true and I know that in a way, I have all the power and control in whether these things happen and I am passive. I don’t act.

   Sure, there are some thoughts that are a little more out of my control or it concerns another party and I don’t know what they are going to do, but there’s a part of me that thinks I should be a little more optimistic and do it.

   It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for a long time now, to not be this passive observer in my fantasies and dreams and be active in making it happen.

   It’s just my fears are holding me back.

7. Carefree.

   Many who knows me knows that I don’t care about much. I simply just don’t give a fuck about many things that people care about.

   Why?

   Because it doesn’t concern me or I have no control in changing the situation.

   The old adage goes, care about the things that you have control over and just let the things that you don’t have control over go. There’s no point in stressing out about something that you have no say or control over.

   Let it go.

   You’ll be happier for it.

   Just care about the things that are meaningful to you, things that you have a direct effect on and everything else, fuck it.

   Life got so much easier when I stopped giving a fuck about everything.

   It’s a matter of living more simply.

This is just of list of thoughts. Maybe subconsciously I wrote it out to be a list of reminders of things that I need to work on myself, things that I need to do to help grow and be a better version of me.

It’s an incomplete list, but it is a great start.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list in one form or another as the year and my life progress.

Here’s to 2017.

To another great year of progress, growth, and continued learning.

To another year of refinement.

To another year of me.