No, not to cheer on Chen, but to Cheer Chen.

Name. Artist.

Taiwanese Singer.

She’s my playlist today as I do my little diatribes.

I would describe her as whimsical folky and I like that description.

Starting anew.

* * *

I can think clearly today. One day alcohol free. That’s a good thing. No more slowness. No more blah.

I can think freely and a little quicker than where I was yesterday.

I feel better. I feel good.

A smidge tired, but I’m always a smidge tired.

Hopefully today would be a good writing day as I just write and write. More than the two pages I got yesterday.

Bad day yesterday. Horrible.

* * *

Lots of traveling to consider in the next few months.

A small road trip up the coast to a friend’s wedding at the end of May and then my first hiking nature vacation of the year, Crater Lake.

I’m really looking forward to that, to go out to the fresh air and to just explore and be one with nature.

I need to relax.

Afterwards is when the trouble comes in. I know I may have to go to Chicago at the end of July or early August for the move.

I have Uncle’s memorial on July 28th. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I guess we shall see.

It’s something that I’ll have to play by ear. It’ll be something that I’ll just have to wing it and hope for the best.

We shall see.

* * *

I have a vague memory of a dream last night. My dad was in it. He’s sitting on that deep purple maroon couch that we had; his spot, and he’s looking really happy.

I think he was discussing food choices or something. I don’t remember. I was standing near the sliding kitchen door. I don’t remember, but he looked happy.

That makes me happy.

I miss him.

* * *

There’s a line today. There’s a long line of people waiting for their tea.

They are slow behind the counter today. I don’t know why, but they’re people just sitting. Maybe it is just the new girl is being slow, or maybe she’s the only one and the little opener isn’t behind the counter at all. She’s in the back kitchen preparing something.

I don’t know, but it is interesting.

I guess today is going to writings of whatever comes to mind or whatever observations.

* * *

Relax.

I just want to relax some more today. I don’t want to think about chores. I don’t want to think about cleaning. I just want to think about work.

I just want to veg out in front of the tv, watching whatever shows or the bluray that I have and zone out.

I just may do that. Forgo the vacuuming and sit in front of the tv with my chips and guac and just veg out.

We shall see when I get home.

I for sure don’t have to cook tonight, so everything, all responsibilities are just to me and my pets. Nothing to worry about anymore.

Not today.

Work stuff can wait till tomorrow, because that’s all that I can do, wait.

* * *

Orders are called out and then picked up. The little tea shop empties, one by one, soon, I’m the only one in here typing away to the folksy whimsy in my ear.

I’m coming up with words to type and stories to tell.

Maybe I’ll have something worth mentioning. Something worth saying.

Hopefully.

Maybe it is time to start thinking about prose again, to take a break from my other writing projects, my scripts and just hope for the best.

Or I could just wait for the draft of Her Secret Service from Bradley and see where he takes it and maybe add something to that.

I don’t know.

I just know that I need to focus on something that I am interested in.

I think I just lost focus on my last one and I couldn’t figure it out. I lost the narrative, knowing that I was writing myself in a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I have to rethink it. I have to look it over and rework it to something more manageable, something more exciting.

It changed a lot from what I originally had planned, even though I didn’t have a clear plan or direction. I wrote it organically and that’s where I ended up.

I took a wrong turn somewhere and I just have to find my way back.

I’ll figure it out.

* * *

Tights over daisy dukes.

It’s the new thing. Weird, but I guess it works for the modest.

I think I’ll end it here today as I need to get on my little haikus.

Another weekend and another day that the new spotify app is fucking me over.

Maybe it isn’t Spotify but the internet here at Volcano today. I don’t know what it is, but it is getting a little irksome. Very irksome.

Damn, even their website is shit. There’s no easy link to get to the web player. I have to fucking google where the web player is.

I’m seems I’m getting angrier and angrier every day.

Man, this migration is getting to me.

It is stressing me out.

I’ve been drinking a lot and I think it has to do with this migration. It’s not going as smoothly as I want it to go. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me the way it is, but it is.

I can’t wait for it to be over.

For the most part, I’m moving it along in a quick pace, getting over 3/4 of the company up on there already.

I still need to move the rooms and the shared accounts up there and I’m not sure how to do that yet.

I’ll have to research it.

* * *

Tired. Tired today.

It was a long day of drinking yesterday, since it was a Friday and the end of another shitty week of migration.

Whiskey and some rum, my drinks of choice now.

I actually went out and hung out with some people last night. I had a good time too. I think a lot of it has to do with how drunk or buzzing I was.

But that’s neither here nor there. I’m looking for a slow slow day of relaxing and just zening out.

Watching shows and TV or even a movie or two and cooking.

I’m not sure if I want to do any chores, but I’m sure I’ll have to.

Blah. I just feel blah right now.

I don’t’ know, but I just feel blah. I’m sure it has a lot do with how much I drank.

I need to take a step back, step away from alcohol for a while. No drinking. No wine. No alcohol.

Maybe until the migration is over. Maybe for some other time of celebrating. I just need to stop right now.

Blah.

* * *

Tired.

I’m just tired and so behind on so many things.

In a way, that is a good thing. I just means I’m busy at work and not fucking around. So, plus on that. I’m actually doing something and feel productive.

Loud music is playing, drowning out my music. Usually I don’t mind, but I do find it distracting.

Thankfully I’m not doing anything important or need to concentrate on anything.

* * *

It’s a rough day.

Hhahaa, I think the theme for today is that I’m fucked. Not a good day for me.

Ugh. I need to stop drinking for a while.

Touch me like you do / What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for? What is it?

The perfect one? The right one?

They don’t exist. Not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for an independent relationship that we’ll see each other when we see each other. Or basically when we want company.

Two independent souls that never need to be around anyone.

It’s hard.

Very difficult.

But it is out there, so they say. They are out there.

I need someone like me.

As frightening as that sounds, it is true. I need someone like me.

So, there’s a dog version of me, cats are pretty much independent. I just need a girl version of me.

That shouldn’t be too hard.

I’m quite peculiar, and I don’t know that many people who are like me.

Shit, I don’t know that many people, at all.

* * *

Wandering. Relaxing on the road.

It was a shitty week. A stressful week of email issues during our transition.

It was a week of putting out fires and investigating how they got started.

We make head way, and then it turns out it is something else. In the end, we got things managed, but still stressful none the less.

On Friday, things seem to be more under control, more manageable and thankfully, I feel a lot better. I treated myself to dinner.

Then yesterday, I went on a road trip and it was exactly what I needed.

It calmed me so much. It was just so relaxing driving to your particular location, exploring and then it is onto the next one, even though you are only there for minutes and it took you hours to get there.

There’s something about the open road, the journey that just relaxes me.

It felt good.

I feel good.

Relaxed.

Content.

* * *

I totally didn’t remember not being able to bring dogs to Salton Sea, but then again, I went on Christmas Day, when the park was “closed”.

We wandered a little bit on the beach before the ranger called us back. It was all right. It wasn’t that interesting this time around.

There wasn’t many dead fishes unlike the last time I was there. They were scattered everywhere. Yesterday, there were only a handful spread out on the whole beach.

Disappointing.

Salvation Mountain.

I’m not a religious person. It’s just not a thing for me, especially that of the western religion and Christianity.

But, Salvation Mountain was pretty awesome. It was just a very very interesting place and I gladly donated to keep it going.

Even though I’m not a religious person, I can actually appreciate what is going on. Everyone needs a little faith. Everyone needs a little art.

It was awesome and I’m glad whoever is managing the site now is keeping it up after the original person passed away. Kudos.

Kudos indeed.

Desert cities and the Inland Empire.

I wonder what life is out there.

What is there?

Small town, communities that are run down with what seems to me, nothing.

Abandoned homes and buildings, but there’s life out there.

How do they live their life?

What is life like for them?

So many questions.

I wonder how my life would be different if I am the same way as I am now, but grew up in a town like that?

Would I still be alive? Would I still be there? If I am, there has to be a reason why I am stuck there.

I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to stay there after they grow up. There has to be a reason to keep them there. There has to be.

What would keep me there?

Or, what if, I decided to move there. It’s a little Rudderless, but what would bring me to a place like that.

Would I chose some place like that?

What would have had happened to me?

So many questions?

Intriguing drama.

Interesting story.

Prose. Script?

I see a coming of age story, of a girl who grew up knowing nothing but the small world that is her desolate dilapidated town. Crumbling buildings, ghosts of something that wasn’t great to begin with.

She dreams of bigger, of leaving, but things keep her at home.

She wants a change, something different from the dry sandy dessert life day in and day out.

Maybe she meets a guy, a little bit older, a little bit independent and they start something. He instills her to dream and to follow that dream. Maybe she falls in love with him, they make plans to travel.

Iceland.

To her, it’s foreign. To her, it’s the opposite of the dry dessert. Ice.

They plan to go together, but something happens, things fall apart. She fears that she’ll be stuck there again. Her way out is no longer there.

But she overcomes her odds and books a ticket to Iceland.

She goes alone and understands that all she needs to fulfill her dreams, all she needs in her life, is herself.

I’m a sucker for those type of movies.

It speaks to me.

* * *

I don’t know where my writing is going to go.

I don’t know where my writing is going to take me.

I just want to tell stories and sometimes I feel that I’m not a good story teller.

I’m not the best writer. I’m not a good writer, but I just want to tell stories.

I’ll just write for me.

Write for yourself.

Just write.

I need to figure out my last script.

I need to figure out my prose idea.

I just need to figure my writing out.

Here again.

Another revolution around the sun since the last time I wrote one of these another year older, another year wiser entries.

It has been another year and I am a new number.

36. 36. 36.

The fortunate thing is that I’m still considered in my mid-thirties.

The not so fortunate thing, I’m getting older. Older and older.

Looking back it seemed that 35 was a great number. It was a great year of doing a lot more things on my own and a definite growing year, understanding myself and my motives a lot better.

It helped that I had professional help to guide me and help me talk through the issues that I was having.

I just hope that 36 would be no different in terms of another growing year and another year of gaining understanding as to who I am and what I’m doing.

For the most part it seems 36 is shaping up to be a very good independent year. It’s a continuation to the last few trips that I made, solo trips to Chicago over New Year’s and to Iceland just a few months ago.

It’s going to be a year of living up to my motivation, just wanting to be alone and enjoying my freedom.

I don’t want to think of or even look for a relationship, because in the end, how I see it, I just don’t work in them. They just don’t work and that is something that I came to realize. It was partly due to my last relationship and how stubborn I am in my therapy sessions that I don’t like dating.

I’ll just live my life like I have been doing and not put it on hold because I am too afraid that I’ll grow old without my one true love and children.

It is something that I have to live with, because ultimately it is my decision in the end to live this life.

35.

It was an emotional year. It was a year of emotional growth, throwing off the heavy boulder that was resting on my chest.

I came to terms with my father’s passing. I came to believe the simple truth as to what happened.

Shit happened. My father passed away from a heart attack. I had no control over it. I didn’t not kill him.

I was carrying around that guilt for years and years and I knew that it was holding me back from so many things. I had to get better in part of my life, that part of my heart before I can even fathom allowing someone else to be in it.

Now, instead of guilt whenever I think about my father, all I really feel is the pain of missing him.

I miss you dad.

35.

I live a quiet life. I live a life dictated by my choices and my psychosis.

I live the life I live now, because I chose too.

I can have so many things and I’m aware of so many things, but for some reasons, I chose not to pursue or act.

It’s not that I resigned myself to not acting, but it is more that I am apathetic to it.

That’s the sick thing. I know in the end, it’s not a big catastrophe if things don’t go my way, but I guess the control freak that I am can’t handle it.

I’m sure a little fear plays a part in it, but eventually I’ll have to get over it.

Eventually.

I am a stubborn man that is a slave to his convictions and his warped sense of what is right and wrong.

* * *

35.

For the most part it feels a lot like it was a year of finding myself again.

It definitely felt like the first couple of years that I moved down to Los Angeles. I’ll just go on, living my life alone, going to work, watching movies by myself. It feels exactly like that.

* * *

Starting again, while continuing what I have written above. I have lost my train of thought, or actually I never really had one.

I just know that this past year just gave me the freedom to go and just do things by myself again. For some reason, that felt lacking the last couple of years and it just miraculously came back to me.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely back.

Maybe it is this renewed sense of knowing that I don’t need to be with anyone to live a happy life, or that I really feel that I am truly happy with being single and just being me, right now.

I don’t know, it is just different, but not. It’s a very strange sense of familiar, but unfamiliar at the same time.

* * *

This yearly diatribe isn’t going well. Not well at all.

Maybe I’m just hungry, or I feel that I have to do something else.

* * *

Change.

Growth.

Any year without that, is not a good year.

Let’s hope that this new number will bring forth a year of constant growth and steady change for the better.

I want to be a better person. I want to be an even better man.

Being alive gives me that chance.

* * *

It’s getting hard to write. It’s getting difficult to put my thoughts into cohesive sentences and I don’t know why.

* * *

The last couple of months or even the last year have been a year of putting thoughts into action. I know that I have always been that way, that if I want to do something, then I’ll do it.

But for some reason, it had been a good year for it. No dream is too small or even too big to fulfill.

Thought into action.

It is definitely time to not put my life on hold and to not go somewhere or not do something because I am alone.

Not having someone to go with or do together should never and was never ever a reason to not go or do it. Never

Never.

35 has been a big year for that and I hope that it doesn’t stop.

* * *

Another day, another attempt at this little post that has ran away from me.

Another year older, another year wiser.

My mantra, my words, my reflections.

35 has treated me really well. It was a growing year, a learning year, an understanding year.

I am a better person at the end of this number.

My woes and my angst dim just a little bit more. I’m slowly getting fixed from whatever issues that have troubled me.

It was a year of rebuilding and a year of getting back to what I was after going through a rut in my life.

I am back to where I am supposed to be. Back to living my life and not questioning my life choices and not caring about certain things that I have or don’t have in my life.

Come what may. Come what may indeed.

I live my life. I chose what I want to do. I do. If plans change, then I adapt.

There is no other excuse in it. There is nothing else about it.

I have gotten back on that track.

35.

I go. I do.

I take it a day at a time.

Come what may.

I don’t care what other people say. I don’t wonder what people say.

I just live life according to my rules and my decisions.

That is what 35 brought me. It brought me back to where I was supposed to be before this rut.

35.

The year of finding myself again. The year of getting back on track. The year of being me.

35.

It was a good number. It was a happy number. It was a cathartic

I can only hope that 36 will bring me something similar if not more.

* * *

It’s cold in here today.

The AC is throwing me off. Taking my mind on the words that I’m trying to come up with.

I struggle to put thoughts into words. I struggle to get into the groove.

Writing has been a problem with me as of late. I’ve been having serious problems just writing.

There was a time when I hated writing. It was a chore, but then as I started to write recreationally, writing in this blog of mine, I developed my love for it. Then I started to love my writing on the scripts that I wrote.

Now, I find it a struggle and it is disheartening.

Hopefully that will change.

I think I’m just tired these past couple of days, staying up later than I normally would and that is affecting my thoughts. Let’s just go with that for now.

* * *

My mind wanders. My thoughts lost somewhere in the ether.

This entry cannot go on.

So, here I welcome this new number, this new year of me, 36.

I welcome you and bid a fair goodbye to what have been a great number, 35.

Thank you for getting me back on track. Thank you for everything.

Let’s hope 36 will only be better.

36.

Bring it on.

It’s going to be a short day of writing today.

I don’t expect much of anything at all.

I’m on a timeline. I’m supposed to help move.

I’m supposed to be there sometime around 11. I don’t have much time.

I’m just waiting for some tea and to get as many words that I can onto the page.

We shall see what happens.

* * *

It has already been a shitty day.

Pickles had the runs today. He got into Relish’s treats yesterday. Fucking asshole should know better.

Fucking asshole indeed.

* * *

30 minutes.

30 minutes is the deadline on when I have to leave.

I already have a feeling that today is going to be one of those days. Just slow and whatever about it.

But at least it’ll be a different day from the norm.

I’ll get home and then walk Pickles, turn on some Netflix and then just lounge about until it is time to cook some dinner.

I just have to figure out what to cook.

I have no idea.

No idea at all.

* * *

Settling in, putting fingers to the board, punching away.

I don’t have much to say. Don’t have much at all.

I had a few weird dream last night. Not sure what brought it on, but it was definitely weird.

The first one was about family and all of my cousins getting together. I remember it vaguely.

It is just my mind processing the whole wedding and seeing all that family again.

The next one is the interesting one.

For some reason, I decided to get a job at the boba shop and Cat was there to help me. I interviewed with a guy who wasn’t Ed, and he gave me some sort of tablet or phone. I don’t know what he wanted me to do with it.

I decided to get the job to just burn time and also to get some pocket money. Nothing unusual.

As I walked out of the interview and into a back restaurant with Cat, I told her I’m very confused as to what her boss wanted me to do with this phone tablet. I gave it back to her and asked her to figure it out and let me know.

I drove home, back to the old house in Tacoma on L Street, going the back way to the park that is on Sheridan. For some reason, that way turned out to be a different way and I’m in a strange city somewhere. Cat’s driving now.

She hijacked the car, but I wasn’t concerned. I’m just following for the ride, thinking that she’ll take me home. We ended up at a bar where 1D was going to play. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to watch the concert.

Then, some family showed up, my bro showed up, and Cat’s siblings and their husbands showed up.

Inside the bar, Cat’s drunk off her ass and belligerent. I wasn’t having any of it, so I left. I just left her there with her family and then De La Madriz came into the bar, part of the party and saw that I left and then complained that she didn’t want to be there with Cat that way.

That’s when I woke up.

I have no idea what it means, but it was interesting none the less.

Interesting indeed.

* * *

Maybe it just means that I shouldn’t get back with my exes, even though I wasn’t trying. I shouldn’t even see them or make contact with them and that I have no time for that bullshit.

I’m not there to take care of anyone.

It was pretty cold of me to just leave her there, but thinking about it, her family was there. It was none of my business. We weren’t together.

Being with people and having to take care of their shit isn’t my thing.

I’m not a baby sitter.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying that relationships don’t work, because we weren’t together in the dream. She was helping me out.

But it just brought back memories why it didn’t work out between us. I wasn’t into it.

Eh, I just don’t like relationships.

I love the idea of it, but when it comes to practice, I just can’t get over that I’m with someone.

Yeah, my brain is fucked.

* * *

I’m beginning to count down the days before I start to count up.

It’ll be about a week before my usually another year older, another year wiser.

I’ll be turning a new number and it has snuck up on me. It is time to reflect on the past number and see what has changed in my life.

35.

For the most part, it has treated me really really well.

Looking on the bright side, I am still in my mid-thirties, at least, for another year.

36.

It doesn’t sound scary and it’s just another number.

* * *

First date.

Online date. I wonder on which site?

Eharm, Match, Christian Mingle, or something more nefarious.

They opted for drinks, morning drinks…boba tea.

I guess it is as good as any other date.

I wish them the best as they started chatting outside and then worked their way inside as Volcano opened.

Now they sit in the freezing corner, going through the first date ritual of getting-to-know-you questions.

I don’t miss those.

I don’t miss dating.

I’m glad I’m not a part of it.

I’m glad I’m not putting myself out there.

* * *

It’s going to be a slow and easy day. I don’t have much planned for today except for some light cleaning and folding my laundry. It’ll have to do.

I’m readying myself for the next couple of weekends. Next week of doing nothing but watching Dare Devil and postponing my mini road trip until the week after.

It’s my birthday month and I won’t be celebrating.

I honestly haven’t been thinking about my birthday at all. I usually don’t make it a habit and I guess I’m not doing anything special about it either. It never really crossed my mind except that it is getting closer.

* * *

No pressure.

Not picking up anything at all.

No feelings.

Not paying much to anything but my walks at work, my photo-a-day project, and what I need to do at work.

No pressure.

Just write.

It’s definitely shaping up to be one of those random pointless entries today. It is me writing to write, to get things out.

It’s bad.

* * *

Kicked out of wifi.

A mac sat next to me.

Boo.

* * *

You can go your own way

Bumping into people that I know.

It hardly ever happens.

The last person that I bumped into outside of work or just in general was Ms. D.

It was a pleasant surprise.

Before, it was probably the Zinger or even Mesa one random night at Plan Check.

It was a weird year last year in bumping into people randomly. It certainly hasn’t happened much lately, but I think that is mostly because I don’t go out enough anymore for it to happen.

I don’t allow for the possibilities of it happening.

Secluded and pro-solitude, me in my cave with my fellow dwellers. It’s peaceful.

I only go out randomly most of the time except for my usual time of writing on the weekends.

Other than that, most people can expect me to be at home.

It’s how I am.

I’m a home body and there’s no amount of pressuring that can change that about me.

It’s my predisposition.

* * *

I haven’t been studying the couple, but I wonder how things are going.

They seem to have been talking non-stop since they met. That’s a good sign.

Looking at his face, he seems to have a forced politeness on his face, being nice to the things that she says, laughing at the small jokes and what nots.

It may be a good thing.

Man, it just feels so awkward, or at least for me it does.

I’m not even on that date, but it just feels weird.

It seems like they are having a really interesting conversation about something. It might a good date.

Congrats.

* * *

There’s a million reasons why I should give you up…

Iceland.

Let’s take it back there.

I’ve been seeing a lot of pictures of Iceland lately on IG. Every time that I see one my heart pangs to go back.

We have to go back

I do have to go back.

It just seems that I might be going back a lot sooner than I anticipated.

I’m already thinking of going back next October or so, but I don’t know. Nothing is decided until it happens.

Nothing is concrete until I figure things out.

We shall see.

* * *

I think I need to focus on the trips that I have already planned this year and leave Iceland in the future.

It’ll happen. I’m sure of it.

I just hope that the rim road at Crater Lake will be open on July 4th weekend. I’m hoping.

* * *

I need to get back and focus on my writing again. I need to jump back on my script and clean it up and rewrite a few earlier scenes to things will match up and I can submit it to the group.

I’m sure it’ll happen soon after my little yearly diatribe about getting older.

I’m sure this coming week will be a week of deep thought and reflection about 35.

Once I am finished with that script, I’ll set it aside and focus on my prose. I want to write short stories. I want to get on my novella.

I want writing to take up more of my time.

I want to work on my hobbies to pass the time, to keep my mind off of certain things and to just occupy myself with things to do.

* * *

Cloud needs to figure out her shit.

She’s young and don’t have a lot of responsibilities so it’s easier for her to just make mistakes or just drop things and start new things.

Everyone fucks up.

I know I sure did.

It’s good to see a lot of my friends moving onto bigger and better things in their life, being successful in things that they do.

I guess I’ll see what my future holds.

I take it a day at a time.

Right now, no decisions need to be made.

* * *

Lately I’ve been thinking about song writing.

Maybe it is because I watched and love films like Begin Again and Rudderless, but there is something romantic about it.

I know nothing of song writing or even poetry, or even writing for that matter, but it draws me.

I’m also not musically gifted.

* * *

I’m out.

Unable to focus.

Nothing is flowing.

Nothing is how it use to be.

Useless.