Brain. Fried.

My brain is fried. Mush. A gooey glob of ectoplasm of nothingness.

That’s how I feel after this past week at work.

The database project is crunching along and then it hits a stop because I can’t work out some logic on how some information should be categorized.

Planning.

I’m such a planner, working on understanding workflows.

I think I may have figured out a workaround after talking to a few people, but I’ll see how things go.

Work.

It’s killing me.

It’s fun, but hot damn if I’m not a hot mess after thinking about it.

Break.

I know I told myself I was going to get back to finishing my python class that is way overdue, but I’m taking another day. Maybe tomorrow and then I’ll continue signing up for classes after my birthday.

I need a break.

I need some time.

I’ll get back to it, but I need time.

I need a little spring break to recharge my brain and my body. Fill it with fresh air and some busy activity and nature and I’ll come back fresh, better minded tackling new information and work.

Break.

I need one.

Cloud reached out to me Tuesday with some bad news. Thien has leukemia.

She was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. Doing a quick research online, it seems that it’s one of the better ones to have. Very high survivability rate and easy to cure.

She’ll be taking chemo for the next few weeks and then she’ll be going on a vitamin regiment to keep it from coming back. She’ll be out of the ICU in the next few weeks.

I believe she’s a senior at the UW now and will have to miss Spring Quarter to recover, but her health is more important than her schooling.

I’m sorry and saddened to hear the news, but it’s good news for what she has.

She has a strong support group in all her family. She’s in my thoughts and I hope for a speedy and safe recovery.

People watching.

Things are slow.

Today is slow.

I sit and watch.

I try to put words together, but they don’t come.

I don’t know what to do, so I watch.

I prep myself, thinking about dinner, lunch, and what I need to do at home.

I prep myself for the wedding tomorrow.

I prep myself.

Mercury should be out of retrograde early next week.

No more miscommunication. No more fuck ups.

It’s Aries season.

My season.

The astrological new year.

Apparently, it’ll be good for everyone. Let’s see.

Let’s see.

Who’s love?

I don’t know.

But, I know, at this moment in my life, the most important love is mine of myself.

That’s important and everyone should know that. In the end, that’s all that matters.

So much comes from loving yourself.

Acceptance.

Confidence.

Joy.

High.

So much.

We all should work at loving ourselves.

It’s healthy.

Be healthy.

The sun’s out today.

It feels like summer, finally. Back to SoCal weather that everyone loves.

It’s okay in my book. Glad that we broke out of the cloudiness that was hanging around for the past few weeks.

I was feeling it.

The ickiness.

It’s at bay. It didn’t come at me strong. It was just there, in the back of my mind.

I need to keep it at bay.

I hope to keep it at bay.

I will keep it at bay.

What do I have planned on this lovely and gorgeous day?

Nothing per usual.

Staying in the house. Catching up on my shows and movies.

So many.

So behind.

I did some light cleaning this morning and I have the rest of the afternoon and the weekend to unwind.

No cooking planned, but I’m aching to bake something.

I don’t know why, but I want to bake.

I know I use to associate baking with the ickiness, the lost years of muddled thoughts.

Now, I think I just want to eat something baked.

Scones?

Biscuits?

Cinnamon rolls?

No idea.

Something.

Just something.

I’ll figure something out. I usually do.

I want to be somewhat productive this weekend as I plan to lounge and do nothing.

Something.

Brain.

Writing.

It’s different.

It’s changed so much.

My style.

Can’t connect thoughts. I can’t connect into my consciousness anymore.

It’s not deep. All shallow and superficial.

These aren’t anything like my earlier entries. Honest and open.

It was me baring my soul.

It was my therapy.

With each word, each entry, my anger subsides until it boils again.

It was a few steps forward and leaps back, but slowly, progress.

There was progress.

Look at me now.

Look at my previous entry.

To be liked.

People like me.

They like who I am.

They appreciate me.

To be liked.

Does that fix everything, or did I fix most things so I can be liked?

I’m sure it goes hand-in-hand.

Progress.

Age.

Honesty.

A Whole New World.

It was a whole new world all right. It was a different me.

Touching upon what happened last week at the happy hour, I sang karaoke for the first time in years on a stage.

The Debs Cama put our name down for a duet and that’s the song we sung.

I sang the princess part, of course.

Of course.

I felt fine. I wasn’t shy. I wasn’t afraid.

It was what it was, and it was something old, but new.

Something.

Different.

It’s the new me. It’s a better me.

Enjoying life.

Enjoying my surroundings.

Enjoying whatever it is that I’m doing.

Now I’m in a Whole New World…with me.

Classes are over.

Submitted my Advanced SQL final a few days ago and I’m ready to chill. I’m going to take a week or two off before I get back to the outstanding Python class and then start something new.

The next few classes will be online classes through EDX or some other online school. No UCLA on the agenda for the next few quarters. I need to know when I’m not traveling so I can be available to go into class if needs be. I’m not worried about classes where they are free, but if I’m paying for UCLA Extension classes, I should be available.

I wasn’t too worried for the Intro to SQL because I knew SQL.

These days.

It’s all about being better and learning more. I have a lot riding on this big project. I want it to help the agency. I want to help everyone involved and make their work easier. It’s all about efficiency.

Let’s do this.

Again, if it works, maybe I can pivot into a different role within the agency and change my day to day from SharePoint to more of a data science field. I’m working towards it.

Work.

It’s taking over my life, but it’s a good take over. I feel important. I feel like I’m doing something a little different and learning new things and making an effort to be a better person.

Work.

Work.

2019.

We’re a good 2.5 months in and in a month, it’ll be rolling another number.

It’s a year of change.

I can already see it. I can already feel it.

Change.

Positivity.

Being better.

Change.

There’ll be a lot of change, as I gear up for 40.

It’ll be a new phase in Adulthood.

It’ll be a new phase in live.

A few weeks ago, I had a weird dream that was about the change.

My car was wrecked. Totaled and I don’t know how it got that way.

I don’t remember much of the details of how my car got wrecked. I don’t remember driving. I don’t remember if it was even my fault.

All I remember was me walking around my car looking over the damage. The whole time surveying the car, I kept thinking that I have to have a fucking car payment now.

I kept thinking about money and how it’s going to affect my life. I was worried about money.

Usually when I wreck my car in the dream, I’m usually the one driving. It’s usually me driving a manual transmission, which I know how to drive, but am not a pro at. My life is out of control. The car, my life, is under my guidance, and I couldn’t control it and I flip and damage the car.

I usually wake up or move onto the next dream after the wreck. I don’t see the car. I don’t see the aftermath. All I know is me in my car, upside down. I done fucked up.

This dream was very different. I don’t remember being behind the wheel. I don’t even think I was the one driving.

I survived. I see the aftermath of the damage. I’m surveying it. My life, over.

I need to get a new life and it’ll be expensive. It’ll put me in debt.

My life. It’s over.

I have a new one.

Very interesting.

Change.

Endings.

Beginnings.

2019.

40.

Just around the corner.

A new me.

A better me.

A different me.

Change.

Me.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a happy hour. Went to one on Thursday.

It was for Nikki’s going away. I think she was the first one on my shit list. She’s going to some digital agency doing social media for some biotech or something. No idea, but I had an interesting conversation with her.

Confidence.

Intimidating.

I see myself in a different way than how most of my peers see me.

I have two dichotomous personas. One is my normal day to day when I’m by myself and not at work. The other is my work persona.

Everyone knows my work persona. They see me as the angry social butterfly that I tend to be at work.

I see myself as the boring quiet hermit that has no friends.

Many see me as the smart, confident, sometimes intimidating guy who knows his shit.

I’ve been hearing a lot from many people that they like my fuck people philosophy and directness and forwardness.

I do believe, fuck people, ’cause fuck people. They’re the worse.

And honestly, I just don’t like bullshit. Just fuck the bullshit and get to the truth of everything. Don’t beat around the bush, be direct and tell me what you want. I ain’t got no times for games.

I ain’t got no time for social decorum.

I found it a little funny that N-Funka told her boy that she liked me and that I spoke to her soul.

Fascinating.

But, it’s good to see and hear that people like me for who I am.

I guess it’s always nice to be liked.

Here’s to be liked.

Wet.

Still wet.

We had a break there for a few days, but it’s back again.

Wet.

Rain.

Another storm moves through SoCal.

Hopefully it’ll be the last one and we can get back to the California weather that I take for granted.

I just don’t like the cold, but it is warming up.

This past February was the coldest February in over 70 something years. It never reached 70 degrees.

How about that?

Global warming? Fucking damn straight you fucking deniers.

Misting.

Wetness.

It’ll be over soon.

Fucking Dell and its battery issues.

It is what it is. I can deal with it until it is time to get a new laptop.

My life consists of nothing but work and alone time.

There’s a little socializing sprinkled in as I go about my day at work, but overall, it’s a good balance of people and solitude.

I have my little weekend routine of figuring out what to cook, getting groceries, coming out to Volcano to either do school work, online classes, or writing.

Then I’ll head home and be a hermit, continuing with school work or being a potato.

Life.

On my own terms.

Life.

Balance.

Recharge.

That’s all that I can ask for at the moment.

Life.

I go about my life doing what I need to.

It’s a life that I’m comfortable with and I don’t know. There might be change in the future. I’m open to it, if it is right.

If not, then what’s the point?

Sedona.

Finally booked my trip.

All is set and locked. I just need to do research and figure out exactly what I’m going to do.

Special Weekend.

I can’t wait.

Alone.

Nature.

Hiking.

The beautiful red rocks of Arizona.

I’ve always wanted to go back ever since I drove through it back in 2012 with Pickles.

Life just got in the way as did other trips and plans.

Now is the time.

Now is the moment.

No more waiting.

Sedona. It’s on.

It’ll be a trip without Pickles.

We’ll have to take another more dog friendly trip later. It’ll be a road trip of exploring a city that we’ve never been.

Let’s see how that goes.

No Pickles.

The trails and parks aren’t dog friendly.

Pickles is at an age where he can’t really hike that much anymore, even if the trails are friendly.

Getting old sucks.

School.

Classes.

What’s next?

I think I’m going to take a break from UCLA and do online classes next. I’m more concerned about missing class for the vacation than anything else and I think I need a break.

I prefer to go at my own pace at the moment as I try and settle into online classes.

Maybe during summer quarter, I’ll get back on for something.

Also, I’m not sure what classes are available next quarter anyway.

But, yes, I’m not giving up on my education just yet. Just taking a small break from the paid classes.

It’ll help with work.

I know it well.

There are a lot of data initiatives that are going on and I want to help. I want it to be something that I do.

I want to pivot away from some of my current responsibilities.

Let’s see how that goes.

Data Science

It’s where it’s at.

Relaxation.

Zen.

Art.

I haven’t done any.

I’m in the middle of a self-portrait and life just got in the way.

The SQL class is kicking my ass and I’m just lazy at work.

Life.

Maybe it is the weather.

Rain.

Gray.

Too much like home.

Maybe I’ll do it tonight and start my reading tomorrow so I can take the SQL quiz. Let’s do that. I need a break from everything and just Zen out.

I want to finish this portrait. It’s going to be ugly.

It’s going to be bad.

I still need practice and hopefully by next year, I can do another portrait and compare how things are.

Ambitious.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my art work to be.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my skill set to be.

I need to be a little more patient.

I need to be a little more lenient.

Skill takes time.

Mastery takes time.

I just got back into it for the past couple months after years away from doing anything fine art related.

Patience.

Have better expectations of how things should be.

I’ll take another crack today at my nose and mouth.

I can do better.

Rain.

Mists.

Another wet day.

Another rainy day.

Just checked the forecast for the next week and there’s more rain on the way.

Fun.

Looking forward to it.

I know I miss the rain, but I do miss the sunshine.

Ugh, maybe I am becoming or have become a true Californian.

Probably not.

It’s been a few weeks. Here I am.

I wasn’t gone or procrastinating but wanted was busy with school and sql.

I wanted to do my tests and finish any online classes that I was taking.

Looking over all the classes I’m currently taking, the Power BI class will definitely lapse as I learned as much as I can in terms of the usage of the software. There are limitations of what I want to do in terms of being able to share content with the agency. We need additional licenses for it. I’ll figure something out.

The second Python class is nearing its end. I’m so behind on that, the class closed, but I still have access to all the material and tests and practice. I haven’t put much thought into it yet. I will once I get this SQL class over. It’s more important. It’s tough.

Then, I’ll get on the PowerApps class as I figure out what class to take next at UCLA. I’m into this continuing education thing. It’s good for me.

New skills. New growth.

Let’s continue.

I’m taking a little break from my SQL test as I jot this little note down. It’s been a while and I wanted to get my finger tapping again. I need to. Maybe it’ll help me figure out Question 2.

Fuck Question 2.

Just fuck it.

Fuck work.

Not going to write about work.

Just fuck it.

Apologize.

That came up again today.

Weird. Co-ink-a-dink.

The first song that came on was Apologize by that one group that I’m too lazy to look up and now Rihanna came up with Take A Bow and one of the first lines is Don’t apologize…

Apologies.

I don’t have any to give. I don’t have any one to apologize to. Maybe to myself, but that is an everyday thing.;

Let’s get back to this. Let’s get back to me in a different way.

2019.

The new Phong. The new me.

I decided to be a little more positive this year. Looking at the bright side. It’s a battle.

I’m making an effort to not be grumpy and to not let work things get to me.

It’s a struggle some days.

I had a bad one the other day. Nothing was working. I couldn’t figure out some logic on Flow as things are broken.

Sigh.

Fuck it.

Positivity.

It’s definitely a change in outlook. It’s definitely a change in lifestyle.

Being a realist comes so easy. It is what it is.

Positivity takes some training.

It takes some practice.

Along with the positivity, I’m making an effort to be a little more social and a little nicer.

A new childlike playfulness was a result.

For example, before I would grunt or don’t even acknowledge people that would say hi to me. Now, I’ll over enthusiastically say hi and great them and talk to them.

Sure, a part of it is that I’m fucking with them, like I was fucking with them when I was ignoring them. I’m fucking with them in another way.

I can’t deprive myself of fucking with people, can I? It’s what brings me some sense of joy.

We all should have a little enjoyment and fun every day. This is mine.

I’m not a total dick about it…but I am.

Some find it endearing…for some reason.

Sigh.

It’s almost a month-and-a-half of this positivity. Let’s see how long it’s going to last.

I think it’ll be a permanent thing. Sure, I’ll have some bad days, but overall, it’ll be good.;

It’ll be good.

Life.

It’s going.

Another Chinese Year down and another just started.

It’s the Year of the Pig, the earth Pig, like mom.

It’s usually never a good year for the person with the same Zodiac sign. I hope mom will be okay this year without any major mishaps. I have faith.

For my fellow Rams and Sheeps, it supposed to be a good year this year.

It seems to be shaping up that way. See, positivity.

The positivity helps. The stress level at work is still there but seems to be more manageable. A little bit better.

Things will be better. Definitely will be better.

I spent New Year’s Eve at Great Aunties with Uncle Joe and the family. It was great being there and seeing everyone again. The celebration was subdued of course because of Great Uncle’s passing, but it was much much needed family time.

The day before I went to Whore’s wedding with the new guy. I don’t even remember him. Apparently, I met him for like a few minutes. I had no impression of him. He never left one.

It was a small quiet ceremony.

It was what it was and now, I have Nick’s wedding to go to and then no more?

Yay.

It is February and it is the month of lovey dovey love.

Bah humbug!

Bah humbug indeed.

Positivity!

It’s cold. Wet.

The wind blows its easy breeze.

It’s weeks like these that reminds me of home home. Dark skies and everything is wet.

The wind pierces the body and chills to the bone.

The California artificial cold spell inside blows down on me, chilling me even more. I know I should have learned my lesson and move to a different table as I tell myself time and time again, but I’m stubborn. I like the window.

I like the views.

But this draft kills me every time.

EVERY. DAMN. FUCKING. TIME.

It kills.

Dead.

Another storm moves down on us. More rain in our future. The next few days.

Wet.

Wetter.

Wettest.

If I had to choose, I would choose the snow over this wetness.

There’s a Snowmageddon up in Seattle now. It’s so bad, there’s a state of emergency.

Buses and snow plows slide down the steep hills of Seattle.

Blizzard conditions.

Cold and frozen.

I think I would much prefer that then what we have here.

I wouldn’t be driving. I’d be walking. Metro.

Commuting.

Driving would be limited. Groceries will be limited, but I’d make it work.

I’d make it work.

Cold.

Wet.

Chilled to the bone.

You ain’t no friend of mine.

Tired. Sick.

Still fucking sick.

I can’t believe it.

It started Monday morning and it blossomed into something more.

I took Monday and Tuesday off because I know that I can’t be sick during Uncle’s ceremony and funeral.

Adulting.

It’s about making the big decisions in life.

Adulting.

I had to do it.

It was needed time off, I guess, but I wish I was a little more productive.

But I wasn’t.

I managed to do some work during those two days, but not enough.;

Now, I have a backlog of development to do, but hey, I’m cool as a bird about it.

Cool as a bird.

It was a rainy week.

One of the rainiest weeks in the past few years. It dropped about 5 inches of rain and it happened during the week of Uncle’s funeral.

Overall, the funeral went well. It went smoothly. Nothing out of the norm.

I picked up mom, uncle and auntie from the airport early Wednesday morning and we went directly to the temple, where we stayed for the remainder of the day.

I didn’t get home until 11 at night.

I had to board Pickles because I knew I won’t be home, and I can’t drive home to take him out.

Adulting.

It was a week of adulting.

I had to help 7th Uncle-in-Law run some errands and that was my role at any of these things. I’m on hand to help.

It was a cold day. It was a rainy day.

Cold. Wet.

But it was worth it.

I haven’t seen that side of the family in way too long and it’s unfortunate that this is the reason why I was seeing them again. I was hoping that it would be Chinese New Year’s, but alas, it wasn’t the case.

I’ll be there this year. I made a promise to Great Auntie.

I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with her.

Heartbroken.

Guilty.

More later.

The day of the burial was fine. I had to change my plans because of 14th Uncle and the weather, so we got the cemetery early and didn’t really know where the site was.

Thankfully I found the caravan again.

I did my duty. I was on hand to help.

I passed out the Leisee — the lucky red envelopes.

I had to, not because I was told to, but again, it’s my role. It’s my duty.

It rained hard that morning. It cleared up a bit as Uncle’s casket went down. Then the rain cleared up.

Fitting.

Very fitting.

It was a sad week. The world was crying at his loss and when he was laid to rest, the world rested, as did we all.

Over.

The rest of the afternoon was chauffeuring everyone around after lunch to get their precious dried seafood: sea cucumbers and fish maw.

Then we went back to Great Aunties and chilled.

Man, the guilt I felt when Great Auntie saw me. She missed me so much and thought about me all the time, wondering why I haven’t visited in so long.

Heartbroken.

Pain.

My heart hearts.

I felt so bad.

I’ll try and make more of an effort to go visit this year.

Work should be slowing down and less stressful.

Keeping positive this year.

Keeping things at bay and being handled.

It’ll be good.

It’ll be great.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leislie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leslie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

2019.

Here we are.

The first post.

I originally planned on picking up where I left off on my python class, but I woke up with a headache and decided to just write instead.

It’s so early. What is there to write? What is there to talk about?

Mind flickers.

Dreams.

I know that I wrote about my dreams before and about exactly what I’m going to chat about now, but it’s worth mentioning.

I don’t think much about my dreams anymore. I don’t remember most of them. Some days I do. Others, not so much.

I wake up and pay them no mind.

It’s not like when I was younger when I kept a dream journal and would remember my dreams in great detail.

Now, they’re a fading memory in the morning mind-rush to fight off sleep and wake.

I remember a few dreams I had last night.

Details of one, not so much. The other, some vague details.

I remember I’m driving my car or parked somewhere. I was just chilling. Don’t remember why I’m there, but I’m there.

A group of very young girls decided to just get in my car and now they refuse to leave. I’m being nice and they’re being flirty and they refuse to leave. Not sure why they won’t leave or why they decided to get into my car, but they are there. Not sure why they are flirting with me either.

I got out of the car and I think a teacher, or someone is trying to get them out of my car.

I see some dude on the street who I know, and I catch up with him and am genuinely having a good time catching up.

Nothing special.

Nothing really mind blowing.

Why am I writing about my dreams?

Well, I wouldn’t mind remember my dreams more and maybe get back to interpreting them again Maybe.

No, I just find dreams fascinating, especially how they compare to how my dreams were when I was younger.

I know I wrote about this before, but it bears repeating, man, the dynamics of the dreams changes so much based on what’s going on in your life.

It’s fascinating.

I’ve come so far in my dreams.

Here I am interacting with people. Having conversations, fights, being a presence in their lives.

Before, when I was younger, in high school and college, I was so lost in my life. Never felt that I fit in anywhere or still trying to find who I am and my place in this world.

I would go through my dreams by myself, lost in a sea of people. I would not interact with anyone or I always felt I was lost or being chased.

Not so much anymore.

I know what I’m going.

I know where I’m going.

I have direction.

I have agency.

I am.

I be.

I’ve come so far in my life.

Nearly 40 and comfortable in my skin.

I know who I am down to my core and there’s always definitely more room for growth.

So much has changed in my life.

I’ve grown so much.

Many of my struggles and demons that I fought way back when are no longer. Some are still there.

I have new ones.

Life.

I see.

I look at things with a different eye. Well, not so different, just a familiar eye that I haven’t used in a long time.

I looked at things a little differently when I was actively shooting pictures for my 365 projects.

I’m back at it and now I’m adding digital art to it.

On my walks I look at the trees, buildings, things with an eye for shading, color, composition, and other aspects.

It’s good. It’s been a while since I started to look at things like this.

It brings me back to a calmer time in my life when I felt my creative juices flowing.

It’s great to be back.

Since I’ve gotten the new laptop and started to do digital art, I have finished a few pieces and learned more about the software that I’m using.

I created an Flickr album for it.

I said I was going to post about 10 pieces for 2019. Judging by the rate I’m going, it might be a lot more.

This seems like my new obsession. This is like me baking bread again where it’s all that I do and all that I focus on.

Art.

Making art.

Fine art.

It’s good to be back.

It’s good to see that I am making some progress.

I have such high hopes and ambitions on how good I get.

Let’s see where I end up.

The last one I did of Pickles: Lay Doggy Lay: Sports Night took me three nights to do. I have about 15 minutes on the season 1 finale.

The pieces before were done in one night, one sitting, besides the Majestic Fucking Mountains because I watched the tutorial video while doing the painting.

It’ll take more time with each piece. They’ll finish when they finish.

I have the rest of the year to do 9 pieces.

Time shouldn’t be a constraint.

I want to do pieces that are specific to a different type of art style or different type of discipline.

I did an Impressionism work. I did a Bob Ross type of painting. I’ve done one with “oil painting”.

I want to do some charcoal drawings. I want to do watercolor.

I want to do so much.

So so much.

I’ve started to gather some creative inspiration in a OneNote to give me some ideas to do.

Art.

It’s meditation.

It’s a new way to keep mindfulness.

I’m not thinking about much of anything besides the art work that’s before me.

It’s calming.

My brain turns off and focuses on each stroke, each line.

It’s Zen.

I don’t know why, but I decided to title my pieces along with the movie or show that I was watching at the time when I was doing it.

For example: Fucking Color – Infinity War

It was my first real attempt. I didn’t know what I was doing. I mainly was me fucking around with the software and the tool to learn how the layers work. It was to learn the different brushes and see what it does.

I had Avengers: Infinity War playing in the background while I was doing it.

When I finished, I just added it to the title, and I guess that’s the thing that I’m going to do with it.

Art.

Peaceful.

Zen.

Looking forward to doing more.

2018.

I appreciate your sense of humor.

I really do.

One last fuck you to end it all, huh?

After I told you I was going to tempt the Universe.

One last fuck you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I lost my wallet.

Not sure where it went.

Did a deep cleaning yesterday and by the end of it, gone.

I dug through the garbage.

Nothing.

Dug through the recycle bins.

Nothing.

Drawers.

Cabinets.

Nothing.

C’est la vie.

Fuck it.

Sigh.

2018.

You’re good.

You’re good.

I like you humor.

One last fuck you.

Good.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll definitely be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll definitely be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m definitely getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all of the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to temp fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them and they’d usually have collared greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all of the fixings, but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and Zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to tempt fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them, and they’d usually have collard greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all the fixings but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.