I would like to believe that I am a person of spontaneity, but in actuality I really am not. I much prefer routine. I work better that way; it is safer. But now, it never works out that way. I usually have things planned on the weekend; it is usually work. When it comes time to do the work, something else comes up, like going out with PJ to have lunch, or a certain need to visit relatives or just go out for the sake of going out, watching a movie I have some interest in seeing, but going to see it because it is more interesting than doing work.

Many of you will think, hey that’s spontaneous, but it is really not. It is more about me procrastinating and not getting work done. There’s this Assistant Director Trainee program that I have my eye on applying for for the past two months now. I had the application sitting on my desk for the past two months, but I haven’t brought myself to fill it out and send out the application. It’s not one of those easy fill in the blank applications that many are use to. No. It is one of those college application type with the essay questions; “What is the defining moment in your life?” bullshit. It’s just too much work. The application deadline is November 7th, and I haven’t even started. Every time PJ asks me what I have planned for the weekend, I tell him I have to work; which means filling out the application. I haven’t even started. I was supposed to do that today, but I am planning on it next weekend. It will be the only time for me to do it.

Why haven’t I filled it out yet? Don’t know. Fear I guess, plus it is a long application process that spans couple of months. I guess I just want instant gratification. The time I’m spending writing this is time I could have spent filling out the application. Nah, it could wait for next week.

So where does this matter of routine come in? I’ve decided to set myself up with a weekly routine, so I can actually get work done. I have so many things on my plate and so many things I want to do, it’s just a matter of finding time and committing to that time to do it. Here’s the breakdown: Monday: Research, Tuesday: Writing my script; Wednesday: Day of rest; Thursday: Short story writing; Friday: Reading; Saturday: Painting, Drawing, and Writing; Sunday: Whatever that is left that needs to be done. Keep in mind these schedules revolve around the television schedule of the shows I watch, which means most work won’t be started until well past 10pm. Why am I giving myself this routine in the first place? Well last year when I wrote my scripts, I had a routine set out on when to write and when not to write. It revolved around the television schedule of course along with movie night. Movie night is any night when I got a movie from Netflix that I want to watch and send out. It was as simple as that. Any movie night is a night I don’t write. Any other night I write after my normal viewing schedule is over, which usually means after 10:00pm on most nights. Some nights, there isn’t really anything to watch, so I write. So I just want to get back to that time and write. To get all of these ideas I have in my head out, and also to feel productive again.

Also on Mondays and Fridays, I have classes. Creative writing class on Monday and Oil Painting class on Friday. I won’t be home until 9:30-10:00pm, so I don’t expect to do much that night. That’s why they are easy nights.

Creative writing class is a little disappointing. It is totally not what I expected. I was hoping to be in a class where the professor will give us writing assignments and we will write and have people critique our work. This is not the case. The class is like a workshop. You bring in already written work and have the group and professor read the work and they comment on the work. Nothing about giving you guidance on how to write or any direction. I am a person who needs to write with direction. I need to know what I am writing about, where I’m going to take that writing/story, and also a deadline. If I don’t have any of these things, I just stare at a blank screen. I’ll continue to take the class and take whatever value it may have and just hope things will work out. We do have little exercises we do in class and some homework. We already have our first assignment already. It is to write 25 details about someone you are watching. You can probably guess I haven’t done it yet, and you are correct. It is due tomorrow. I got one full work day left. I guess this is where my stalker tendencies become beneficial. I’ll stalk someone and quickly jot down 25 details about him or her or go by memory and write about someone. It’ll all work out, one way or another.

I told Lisa about my disappointment in the creative writing class. She’s taken one for credit at UW – Tacoma. The structure of her class was more like the class I would have liked mine to be. They were giving actual writing assignments. She gave me one of hers to write. It’s due next Friday. The assignment is to write a five page story where a wedding cake ends up in the middle of a road. I really haven’t thought about what my story is going to be yet. I was going to start tonight, but judging by the time, it just doesn’t look like I will start. Probably Tuesday or Thursday, I’ll sit down with a glass of wine to loosen me up and let things flow. I have a vague idea, but I usually don’t stick with vague ideas. Something will come up.

As for the oil painting class, one word, EXPENSIVE. I think I spent around $300 in the past two weeks buying supplies, and I am still missing a few. Of course I bought many things that I didn’t need like an easel and multiple pads of different type of paper, but they may become beneficial to me when classes are over and I start painting on my own. What can I say about the class, it should be interesting. The teacher and one of her assistants are off the wall weird. They are either mentally there or not. There is no in between. We are working on abstract art right now. I was having a little problem at first with our assignment but then I got the hang of it. I’m a quick learner. We should actually start painting next week. I’m a little excited. I have all of these supplies just waiting to be used.

With all of these supplies I have at my disposal, I decided to use some of them. Last night I went back to a love that I had when I was younger, drawing. It’s been years since that summer between my freshman and sophomore year in college that I’ve really drawn anything. During that summer I was working at Bartel Drugs up in the U-Village. I was home alone after work, trying to past the time. I had a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt as my wallpaper. I decided to draw that. It didn’t’ look like her at all, but the drawing turned out rather nicely. That was probably the first actual face that I’ve drawn pretty well. It actually looks like a real face instead of the normal cartoon faces that I use to draw. Then next couple of nights I decided to find other pictures of beautiful fantasy women and draw them. All of them didn’t turn out well. I lost my gift. After that, I haven’t really drawn anything, until last night.

Sure I doodle when I’m in a very boring meeting at work or when I’m on the phone and need a distraction, but I’ve never drawn anything for the sake of drawing it. I did it last night. While in class, working with charcoal, I just loved the feel of charcoal, the touch of charcoal and how it looked on paper. I decided to do some portraits in charcoal, like the many I’ve seen and loved throughout my lifetime in museums, and saw on television. I found some pictures of people I knew from work, Monica and Stephanie. I had pictures of them from the time we went to lunch together for Danielle’s last day. I drew and I drew. My arms just moved unconsciously to match the shape of the faces, the little nuances, their curves, the shading, their hair etc. etc. etc. What came out were drawings with a very vague resemblance to its model. There are some resemblances that if you knew I was drawing Stephanie or Monica, you could pick out some of their attributes, but if you didn’t know, you would just think they were great drawings of people. The one of Stephanie didn’t turn out as great as the one of Monica. Actually, the one of Stephanie didn’t turn out good at all. I later did a self portrait. I drew the picture of myself from one of the pictures I have up on my website. The one with my brother and my cousins. It turned out to be a disaster. I don’t know how to draw short hair, and I have black teeth. Go figure. What I really like is the shading and how shading really brings the picture to life.

Most likely on the weekends I’ll find other pictures and attempt to draw them. Pictures of people, animals, maybe nudes (not that I have nude pictures, but I know where to find them). I’m just in a very creative high right now, and I just need to create, to do, to draw, to paint, and to photograph.

Speaking of photography, I just bought two new cameras. They should be coming next week. One is an old fashion camera; a Seagull A4 105 and the other is a cheap plastic Holga 120F. Both of them together amounted to about $150. What made me get these cameras? Well one was cheap (the Holga, $25) and the other was cool looking (the Seagull, $100). Also, they are my first venture into medium-format. They both use 120mm film instead of 35mm. Which means bigger negatives, which mean better pictures, especially if you are blowing them up. Also, the pictures are square instead of rectangular. I’ve also bought a tripod for my cameras. Now I could take self portraits, which I was very interested in doing. I could perfect taking pictures of people. See what I like and don’t like when it comes to framing, looks, posing, etc. etc. etc. What can I say, I’m vain.

This is pretty much what I’m going through now a days. Many of you are probably experiencing the same thing, but can’t really put a finger on it. Yes it has a name. This sensation of confusion, of being lost, it is the quarter life crisis.

I’ve read this a couple of years ago when I moved down to Los Angeles and stayed with my cousin for a while. I thought it interesting, but at that time, it really didn’t apply. I was young and fresh out of college. Idealistic on how things were going to be and how I was going to achieve my goals and dreams. I easily dismissed it. Now, for the most part, it encompasses what I’m going through, well the first paragraph anyway. I have to admit the last paragraph is a little to smaltzy and sentimental for my taste now, but hey, it works.

My cousin who is now in the Peace Corp in Samoa passed this on to me along with some kind words. She was reading a entry I had and thought it would be nice to send this along to me. For me, it just encapsulates many of the feelings I am dealing with into words that I cannot find. Whoever wrote this is a genius in my book.

They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are. You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heartbroken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up.

We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another’s hearts. We are the group who sometimes doesn’t need words but will laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in in this world, we will still be friends always and forever!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Why? I don’t know. Actually I do. It is not that I don’t have anything to write or to say, but it is more that I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Getting out of bed has been a chore lately. It just seems that when I wake up in the morning, I’m more tired than when I went to bed. Also, the weather hasn’t been really good down here lately. It is getting dark earlier and earlier. Waking up in the dark just makes you want to stay in bed. Thick clouds cover the blue skies every morning. It just brings me back to the times when I was up north, dreading another cloudy and depressing day. That is pretty much how things are now.

Honestly, where is my motivation to do anything? I keep thinking, dreaming, of all of these things that will happen if only I do them. Still, that’s no movtivation for me to do anything. To get up and go. I just go through a dreadful daily routine of work and home, with the occasional outing here and there. There’s really nothing inspriational or special in my life.

Sure there will be times when I have a good day, which means, I’ve had a great day with some one, just talking and getting to know each other, but it seems those days are few and far between. Sometimes, it just seems that those days don’t happen anymore. Shoot, there are even days when I feel that I’m taking a few steps backwards with some people. Instead of getting closer and building a connection, I am growing distant and severing our ties.

I’m tired. I’m just tired of everything. I’m tired of games, of rules, of restrictions. And I’ve always been afraid to break the rules. I’m always afraid to take risks. Maybe if I keep busy, keep my mind on other things, that may help.

So I just signed up for two new classes that starts in the next few weeks. One I would greatly enjoy, and the other I would absolutely hate. A painting class and a creative writing class. Could you tell which one I would enjoy better?

I love art, all aspects of art. I’ve always wanted to paint, but I’ve never had a chance. I’m doing it now. It will keep me busy. I’ve done drawing, now photography, but never painting. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Just want to build my repertoire when it comes to art. I’ve always believed that I’ll be a good painter, and now I can actually see if I am right. I think I can do well, cause when it comes to visual art, I’m okay at it.

Now creative writing class. It was either this or a screenwriting class. I think I should start with the fundamentals first and take a creative writing class, and here I am. I don’t think I will enjoy this at all, given my utter disdain for writing. But it will help in the overall scheme of things. It’ll teach me how to develop a story, build character, find my voice; things I need to know when it comes to constructing a story in a script and ultimately in film. Also, it will get me to write more. Again, I’m lazy. I usually don’t do anything unless someone tells me too.

I’ve also taken a few more pictures. These are a little more interesting, a little more abstract. Once I get them posted up at my other website, I’ll let you all know. A friend of mine says they are very good, and there are a few in there that I do like. Hopefully some of you might like them also. I’ve also got some pictures of people from work, but I don’t think I’ll post those. Not sure if they’d like me posting their mugs on the web for all to see.

Which gets me to thinking that I really need to take more pictures. All this time, I’ve been taking color pictures, and ever single picture that I’ve seen and enjoyed, they are in black and white. I am going to start shooting black and white for now on. No more color. No more color. No more color. Color is boring.

Well, I am back and here is the what. I haven’t gotten time to work on my new web page yet at geocities, but I think there is a way for you all to see my pictures. Try this link Pictures. If the link don’t work, please just enter in this web address: http://www.geocities.com/nunuclicna/Pictures. This will lead you to a my pictures directory like the one I have up for AOL. Again, I hope this works.

Well, I’ve tried to figure out a way to post thse pictures. I’ve tried creating a link to them, so on and so forth. I can’t figure out anything…not just yet. Maybe I’ll have to try and owrk on building my website. We’ll see what happens.

All righty. It looks like I can’t post my pictures from geocites to my live journal without paying some cash. I’m not going to do that, so I think I will start to work on my geocities website. The website is wwwl.geocities.com/nunuclicna. I hope it works.

Well, I am in the mood to write. Therefore I am. As promised, I am posting pictures of my trip to Malibu Creek State Park and my Disneyland trip with family. There are other pictures that I want to post, but I think I’ll do them another time. This will be a long entry, so bare with me.

First, before I start with the new pictures, the pictures that I posted previously aren’t working too well on my journal. I have posted them through AOL. AOL have this certain policy of not allowing me to post my pictures on another website that is not affiliated with AOL. Should you want to see those pictures, please visit my so called website on AOL at this url: members.aol.com/nunuclikna.

Creek (August 2003)

Stork (August 2003)

Under Cover (August 2003)

Opening (August 2003)

Creek
This is the first picture I’ve taken at Malibu Creek State Park (MCSP). I believe it was about 8 in the morning here.

Stork
This is a white stork that I got the pleasure of seeing. It was just there at a part of the creek that wasn’t dried up. According to the MCSP Rangers and the Audobon Society, most of the birds come out in the early morning or in the late evening. I was fortunate to see this one catching breakfast. If you can’t make it out, it is a small crayfish that is in it’s mouth.

Under Cover and Opening
These were taken around the same area. There was a small trail along the creek bed. I followed it for about 200 yards and came up to this area.

Heron (August 2003)

Moth (August 2003)

Reflection (August 2003)

Six (August 2003)

Sun (August 2003)

Heron
Here is the Heron that I tracked for about 100 yards down the dry creek bed. It took me about 30 minutes before I got a chance to take this picture.

Moth
A little moth sunbathing on a rock. I got this while I was trying to track the Heron.

Reflection
A reflection of one of the rocky hills or mountains at MCSP.

Six and Sun
Here are some of the flowers that you can find at MCSP.

These are some of the pictures I’ve taken at MCSP. These are the intersting ones, well some of them. Again, I’ve taken about 120 pictures that day, about 3 rolls worth. There are other good ones, and many not so good ones. Maybe I’ll post some ot those up later, maybe not.

I plan on going back to MCSP sometime in the winter and spend the whole day there. By then, there will be no heat. Maybe I could catch some of the other exotic animals like coyotes, owls, mountain lions, and foxes.

The next set of pictures are from the Disneyland trip. I really had a great time there, well, for the most part. Most of the rides were very boring, but being around family again was just great.

Backseat Fun (August 2003)

Family Fun (August 2003)
Left to right: Ly, Michael, Me, Phi, Julie,and Jason

Awaiting Take Off (August 2003)

Lighted Peak (August 2003)

Blur (August 2003)

Waiting to Ride (August 2003)

Castle (August 2003)

Backseat Fun
Here we are starting our trip to Disneyland. Unfortunately the other two youngin’s weren’t ready for the picture. I especially like Michael’s makeshift arm rest.

Family Fun
This here closes our night here at Disneyland. We just left Fantasyland and are posing in front of the Castle. Unfortunately, it is too dark to see anything.

Awaiting Take Off
The three kids posing on Dumbo. This is the happiest that Jason looked all day.

Lighted Peak
Here is a picture that I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out. For those who don’t know, it is a picture of the Matterhorn. I was surprised that it turned out as well as it did. I thought it would have been too dark or too blurry, but it wasn’tt.

Blur
This is the famous Tea Cups of course. I would have to say this was Ly and Mike’s favorite ride. Phi, Ly, Mikey, and I all went on during the afternoon. I got a headache from it, and so did Phi. After we split up after lunch, Phi went to the car and took a nap. My headache slowly went away. This picture was taken toward the end of the day. The kids wanted to go on again and this time Julie went along. They were in line when the picture was taken. I’m glad that this one turned out as great as it did. The kids had fun on this, but I wish I could say the same for Julie. She got really sick from the ride. I don’t blame her.

Waiting to Ride
Ly and I in line for Gadget’s Go Coaster. The ride was no more than 40 seconds, but the line was about 40 minute. Can we say a waste of time? What was worse was that there was no shade and the humidity didn’t help the situation at all.

Castle
Inside Fantasyland. I’ve always liked pictures of clouds taken with a wide angle lens. It pushes and stretches the cloud and give it a very distinct look. I got my clouds here.

There are more pictures from Disneyland. Many with family. I’ll post them up when I get the chance.

All of these pictures just capture what have been happening in the past couple of months, not even. There are some that I’ve taken from my trip to Sacramento over Labor Day weekend. I met an old friend of mine up there. I might post some of those pictures up. Also, I have some pictures of the little runts from my trip back home. Many of them aren’t that great, but it’s nice to have picture of family.

* * *

I went to Vegas this past weekend. Not much happened besides me losing. I probably wouldn’t have written about it, but something did happen over the weekend. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, but something happened.

Ever since I got home, there has been this sense of calm in me. I’m not that angry anymore. I don’t feel any angst in my body. Something must have happened to trigger this, and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.

Could it be my earlier posting of what is making me angry? Could me putting it down on paper, putting my feelings in words, take away the anger that was in my life? I don’t know. That would be the logical explanation, cause honestly, not much happened in Vegas. Didn’t pick up any girls, met my friend’s friend from Jersey. Got a little drunk in the hotel room. Learned how to play craps and lost a bunch of money (it’s really not that much, but enough).

How long is this “State of Zen” going to last? I have no clue.

I like this feeling. I got this sense that I have finally grown up. My issues, whatever they may be, are gone. In a way, I sort of feel like a new person. So this is how it feels to be not “angry.”

I’m not even upset that I have a particular falling out with this person. It’s not the person that really ticked me off, but another. We have great repoir, almost a flirtatious relationship. For a few weeks, she’s been very distant, and I can’t figure it out. Things started to get back to normal, then I said something wrong to her. Things just came out wrong, and I realize my mistake right after I said it. I can’t take it back, and I think I’ve lost my chance. So ever since, things had gotten a little distant between us. Our relationship just isn’t the same anymore. I was stressing out about it and over analyzing it for the past couple of weeks.

Today, nothing. I didn’t fret about it. Sure I thought about it, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. I just got to let things play out and try not to force anything. If it wasn’t for this change, I will probably still be thinking about what I did, and about how I can fix it. I can’t do anything. We just have to let it go and move on.

I think a major part of this calmness, is because there is no one that I’m obsessing over. I’m not obsessing over anyone anymore. That use to be a big problem. I use to obsess. Not anymore. I’ve moved o from those that I need to move on from. So this is what it is like to not obsess. It’s peaceful. It’s nice. Should have done this a while ago.

Again, I’ve been in the mood to write lately. It use to be that I need to be depressed to write, especially if it is creative writing. I think I’ll start to write something now. A new script. I haven’t really thought through any ideas that I have, but watching Lost in Translation have given me a inspiration to write something from the heart. Something different, yet sincere. How far will I get, I’m not sure. But I’m going to write, and that is a start.

I’m back. Am I really? I think I am.

Now what does this mean? Am I back to my old ways or am I just back to writing in general? Who knows? I surely don’t. But if I have to answer, I think it is a little bit of both.

I’m back to that old, angry, and selfish guy that everyone use to know and I think I am back to writing on a some what almost normal basis. I finished whatever it is that I needed to do. It is just time to follow up on it. Besides, I’ve been in the mood to write. Not just writing in the journal, but writing in general. To write, to clear my thoughts, my emotions, to purge all my pent up anger and frustrations that have been building up inside me. It’s time for a release.

So why am I back to that old, angry, and selfish guy…well, it all just comes down to one particular person that I have had problems recently. Have you ever had that friend that you just connect well with really quickly and the friend seems so cool and that it is nice? Well I got a friend like that, and it seems SHE is a bit pushy. She’s just a little too much for me to handle. I think things just got way out of hand. She’s been very attached, and the crazy thing is, she’s not even my girlfriend. I am not even attracted to her, and she’s FUCKING driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. She’s going to be the death of me.

Why do I feel this way about her? It’s just many things. I guess I lost my patience with her one day, and all the shit that I’ve been taking from her, I can’t take no more. Fuck her. I don’t care about her feelings. I know she means well, and she is trying to push me to do things, to be happy, but the thing is that she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t understand that I am my own person, and that I don’t need a push, especially if it means that she is all encompassing in my life. I don’t need that. Just let me be. I’ve told her that, and does she listen? No.

She’s very persistent on trying to get me to do things. Sure it was nice at first, to have someone who cares about me enough to want me to be happy and go out and do things, but this is just too much. She’s just too much. I really can’t take it anymore. I’m going to try and ignore her.

I’m at a point where I might hurt her. Not physically mind you, but strictly on a emotional level. I’ve hurt her once before, or actually twice. I was actually upset at myself for doing that. If this keeps on, I will definitely hurt her again, whether intentional or not, and this time, I will not care. I try to get her to listen, to back off, but she’s just not having it. If it means that our friendship ends, fine. Our friendship ends.

You see, she just doesn’t understand me. And honestly, who understand themselves and what they do. I don’t understand myself 90% of the time. I am still trying to figure things out. She keeps on trying to get to the root of my problems. Why am I so angry? She thinks it’s something that has to do with my mom. Is she correct? Yes and no. It isn’t that simple. It’s just a number of things that just play with my neuroses.

Here is me in a nutshell. Where should I start?

Lets start at where she says, my mom, or my parents. I was angry with them for a long time. What child isn’t angry at their parents? I was the classic case. I loved my parents and they loved me. They didn’t show it in the idealistic Brady Bunch way, but they loved me. How did they show it, by being overprotective. Starting at a young age, they don’t like me to go out, and being a good son as I am, I didn’t. So growing up was very lonely, even though I was with my brother all the time, and other members of my family. I never really fitted socially in school. I was always the loner, the manic depressed alienated soul. And being stuck at home, actually to the point where I was comfortable being stuck at home, being antisocial, it really didn’t help my cause at all. For a while I was angry at them for doing that.

Another reason was that they always babied me. That is something I do not like at all. I had a yearning to be on my own ever since I was 16. I thought about going far far away for college, but at that time, I looked at family first. Family came first, even now, family comes first. It would have been tough on my parents at that time financially for me to go to a college that was out of state. My brother was going to college at the same time. So I couldn’t do it. Most of my decisions revolved around my parents, and I never felt free. For some reasons, they were the basis for almost all of my decisions. I made no decisions. My parents were my life, and I was angry at that.

Then I moved. I moved down here. At first it was hard, cause my parents didn’t really want to let me go. I’ve made some decisions on my own, and my father wasn’t particularly happy about it. I thought, hey, even though he’s a thousand miles away, he still has this control over me. I did what I did. I found a job, and I supported myself. They backed off. They didn’t have any say in my life anymore. It wasn’t until this past year, this past January, that my anger for my parents subsided. It was gone. I was actually homesick.

I was back on good terms with my parents again. I actually enjoyed my weekly calls with my dad. Hearing his voice, his “What’s up man?” everytime I answer the phone. I don’t hate them. I love them, and I actually respect them for what they did. There was no anger any more toward my parents. I was on good terms with them, and they really loved me. I know that now. Then what happened. My father passed away, when I finally wasn’t angry at him or my mom, my father died. How should that make me feel? I am angry, and why shouldn’t I be. Life is shit, and shit is life.

I’ve experienced a lot while I was growing up. Many things, especially death, and in such a small span of time. My grandfather passed away right before the millennium, my grandmother about 2 years later, and my dad a year and a half later. There were other deaths in my family before them, but I was too young to understand or see the impact. But when my grandfather died, I was an adult, and I’ve never lost anyone so close to me before.

Losing my grandmother was the toughest before my dad. I loved her dearly. There were many things that happened between the time my grandfather passed and when she passed that I was upset with. It had more to do with how she was treated than anything else. I didn’t agree with some of the things that my family had put her through, but I couldn’t say anything at all. My opinions didn’t mean anything when it came to my uncles and my father. They made all of the decisions, and it seemed my father had the same ideas that I had, which was to try and bring her home. Things got a little to tough at the end, and she ended up in a nursing home. She’s been moved in and out of nursing homes and my house in the span of two years.

It was during this time that when she was sick that I moved down to California. She loved me dearly. I was her favorite grandchild, and I abandoned her. I did. I felt guilty for doing it. Going home and seeing her slowly rot away in the nursing bed, eyes glazed over from the drugs. It’s just sad. And I left her. I know I shouldn’t feel this guilt, but I do. I felt angry at my family at this time also for not telling me what is happening with her. I wasn’t even told that she feel and broke her hip and had to have surgery until it was a week and a half later. See, it’s my parents trying to protect me again. The thing that I was the most upset about, as I stated in an earlier entry, was that I was never told about my grandmother’s death until nearly 5 hours later. It wasn’t my dad who told me, but my cousin. My dad called a little later, and he never apologized for not calling me earlier.

I’m lost. I have very little direction in my life at the moment. I am in my quarter life crisis. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I’m still trying to figure myself out. I moved out here for a reason, and that is film. I still want to do film. But how close am I to actually succeeding? Not very, because I’m not that big of a risk taker. I don’t usually take large risks unless I’m totally sure that things will work out good. This film thing is one of the risks that I don’t know if it is a sure thing. I just lack the courage, or I’m afraid of failure. I haven’t figure out which. For the longest time, I had my life planned out, and it is nothing like it is now. Nothing.

Is my life particularly bad now. No not really. It’s just not where I want to be, and that is a confused mess. Not a clue of where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I just need more time to figure things out and just see where life takes me.

Now comes to some final issues. And that is those of relationships, sex, and such. I have practically no experience in this realm. Sure I should just go out and get laid and get it over with. My friend says that it will make me a happier person. Is she right? Sure, that could be a reason why I am so angry. Relationships, and girls have always been a problem in my life. As posted before, I always fall for the unattainable girls. Don’t really remember why or if I gave a reason in my earlier posting, but I really don’t know. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve gotten comfortable with myself and with being alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. For a large part of my life I got the warped idea that to be normal, I need to be with some one. It isn’t until these past 2-3 years that I realize that is not true. It wasn’t until recently that I’m normal, so why rush into a relationship.

You can call me old fashion, but short term relationships never really crossed my mind. I’ve always been looking for that one long term relationship. Sure it scares many to even think about long term, but I don’t have any problem with it. I think at this point, it’s not just a matter of not having confidence, but more of the matter of the situation. I have the confidence, well enough at least, it’s just the circumstance.

It’s been suggested that I go out and get any girl who is willing to bed. But the idea of one night stands, though it fulfills some wicked fantasy, or just having sex with as many girls as I can, it just doesn’t float my boat. I know this may sound cheesy and sappy, but the romantic in me just want to meet a girl, get to know her, and just let things develop. That’s all I want. That’s how things should be, but I guess in the real world, things just don’t happen that way.

Now because of the age I am, and that I’m a virgin, and I’m a fairly attractive guy (so I’ve been told), many think I’m gay, or they say it in a joking tone. Some time there is no tone, and the gay jokes keeps coming. Why do they think that? I don’t know, for those reasons stated, because they can’t understand why I’m still a virgin, being who I am. Also, I’m very sensitive, or that I’m a really nice guy, or that I’m a drama queen, and I do get very moody. They see my feminine qualities and they put everything together and they come up with that conclusion. Are they right? Thinking back and looking at things that are happening now, I can honestly say that I am not. Sometimes I do feel that I should go that way because they are labeling me that. Labeling theory.

I think these are some of the reasons of why I am the way I am. I’m sure there are millions of other reasons, whether conscious or subconscious, that makes me who I am. If you can’t understand me, don’t worry, cause I don’t understand myself. Just don’t try to change me so you can understand me better. If you just let me be and accept who I am, then we will be cool. That is all I ask.

Well I have to say, I have no idea where things are going. Things just seem to be happening fast. I’m hanging out with PJ and going out more and more.

Today, I actually asked Kate to hang out with PJ and I.

I asked her out, practically infront of Tobi, and she seemed interested.

I told her that PJ and I are heading out to the Alehouse to get some drinks and grab dinner. I told her that PJ wanted to pick up a girl, that’s why we are going. She said that she might go, and asked me for my number. I gave her my number and my screenname.

She said that no matter what she’ll give me a call.

So PJ and I went to the alehouse, and I met that girl. She’s pretty cute. Didn’t catch her name, and PJ doesn’t know her name either. But she and our waitress were kind of flirting with us also. So in a way it was a good night.

Anywho, to the point, PJ dropped the ball. He didn’t do anything, which was pretty sad. But hey, I couldn’t do better if I tried.

So dinner is over and everything, we are back at PJ’s just chilling.

Kate called.

She asked me what’s up, and I told her that we had dinner already. She thought it was just drinks, but I explained it to her that it was dinner. We went to the Alehouse and so on and so forth.

She told me what she’s been up to, just had a walk with her mom and had dinner with her at Mishima. I asked her about the dinner with her dad, but that is rescheduled for tomorrow night.

Anywho, I asked her if she wanted to do something, go grab a drink at Q’s or something, but she said that she’s gonna have a early night and get some sleep. She hasn’t been sleeping well.

I think that is why she’s been moody for the past couple of days. There’s just a lot on her mind right now, I guess.

Anywho, she asked me what my plans are, and I just told her nothing, that PJ and I are just chilling. She suggested we go watch a movie. Anywho, that was it with Kate.

Then I came home and checked my mail, and I got this message from Kevin.

Apparently Serena thinks I’m hot stuff, as you can tell from my earlier post. I am deeply surprised. She’s cute, really cute. As I was telling Michael, she reminds me of Anne Hathaway. My little meeting with her that night at Kevin’s going away bash was the most memorable thing about the night.

As you can read from my reply, I asked to get set up with her email and stuff. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it though. I think I might just ask her out for drinks or something and just catch up and hang out. Who knows? I don’t know much of anything right now.

Serena, was she the one that i was talking to, the one from Eugene Oregon.
she’s pretty cute. Yeah, I would like to hang out with her.

Yes, I’m a hottie. I try to be anything but, but you know, I got to accept
the fact and go back to my roots of being a hot stuff mack daddy.

Talk to you later.
—– Original Message —–
From: “Kevin Lorenz”
To:
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2003 8:27 PM
Subject: phong “the hottie”

>
> dude..
>
> remember my going away party?
>
> remember that girl serena who was there?
>
> she totally thinks you’re hot.
>
> liza JUST got the pix back from the party and they were looking at them
and
> she picked you out and said how she thought you were hot.
>
> that’s right phong. you. you’re a hottie 🙂
>
> if you want to email her i can set it up?
>
> lemme know. hot stuff 😉
>
> kl
>
>