I’m back. Am I really? I think I am.
Now what does this mean? Am I back to my old ways or am I just back to writing in general? Who knows? I surely don’t. But if I have to answer, I think it is a little bit of both.
I’m back to that old, angry, and selfish guy that everyone use to know and I think I am back to writing on a some what almost normal basis. I finished whatever it is that I needed to do. It is just time to follow up on it. Besides, I’ve been in the mood to write. Not just writing in the journal, but writing in general. To write, to clear my thoughts, my emotions, to purge all my pent up anger and frustrations that have been building up inside me. It’s time for a release.
So why am I back to that old, angry, and selfish guy…well, it all just comes down to one particular person that I have had problems recently. Have you ever had that friend that you just connect well with really quickly and the friend seems so cool and that it is nice? Well I got a friend like that, and it seems SHE is a bit pushy. She’s just a little too much for me to handle. I think things just got way out of hand. She’s been very attached, and the crazy thing is, she’s not even my girlfriend. I am not even attracted to her, and she’s FUCKING driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. She’s going to be the death of me.
Why do I feel this way about her? It’s just many things. I guess I lost my patience with her one day, and all the shit that I’ve been taking from her, I can’t take no more. Fuck her. I don’t care about her feelings. I know she means well, and she is trying to push me to do things, to be happy, but the thing is that she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t understand that I am my own person, and that I don’t need a push, especially if it means that she is all encompassing in my life. I don’t need that. Just let me be. I’ve told her that, and does she listen? No.
She’s very persistent on trying to get me to do things. Sure it was nice at first, to have someone who cares about me enough to want me to be happy and go out and do things, but this is just too much. She’s just too much. I really can’t take it anymore. I’m going to try and ignore her.
I’m at a point where I might hurt her. Not physically mind you, but strictly on a emotional level. I’ve hurt her once before, or actually twice. I was actually upset at myself for doing that. If this keeps on, I will definitely hurt her again, whether intentional or not, and this time, I will not care. I try to get her to listen, to back off, but she’s just not having it. If it means that our friendship ends, fine. Our friendship ends.
You see, she just doesn’t understand me. And honestly, who understand themselves and what they do. I don’t understand myself 90% of the time. I am still trying to figure things out. She keeps on trying to get to the root of my problems. Why am I so angry? She thinks it’s something that has to do with my mom. Is she correct? Yes and no. It isn’t that simple. It’s just a number of things that just play with my neuroses.
Here is me in a nutshell. Where should I start?
Lets start at where she says, my mom, or my parents. I was angry with them for a long time. What child isn’t angry at their parents? I was the classic case. I loved my parents and they loved me. They didn’t show it in the idealistic Brady Bunch way, but they loved me. How did they show it, by being overprotective. Starting at a young age, they don’t like me to go out, and being a good son as I am, I didn’t. So growing up was very lonely, even though I was with my brother all the time, and other members of my family. I never really fitted socially in school. I was always the loner, the manic depressed alienated soul. And being stuck at home, actually to the point where I was comfortable being stuck at home, being antisocial, it really didn’t help my cause at all. For a while I was angry at them for doing that.
Another reason was that they always babied me. That is something I do not like at all. I had a yearning to be on my own ever since I was 16. I thought about going far far away for college, but at that time, I looked at family first. Family came first, even now, family comes first. It would have been tough on my parents at that time financially for me to go to a college that was out of state. My brother was going to college at the same time. So I couldn’t do it. Most of my decisions revolved around my parents, and I never felt free. For some reasons, they were the basis for almost all of my decisions. I made no decisions. My parents were my life, and I was angry at that.
Then I moved. I moved down here. At first it was hard, cause my parents didn’t really want to let me go. I’ve made some decisions on my own, and my father wasn’t particularly happy about it. I thought, hey, even though he’s a thousand miles away, he still has this control over me. I did what I did. I found a job, and I supported myself. They backed off. They didn’t have any say in my life anymore. It wasn’t until this past year, this past January, that my anger for my parents subsided. It was gone. I was actually homesick.
I was back on good terms with my parents again. I actually enjoyed my weekly calls with my dad. Hearing his voice, his “What’s up man?” everytime I answer the phone. I don’t hate them. I love them, and I actually respect them for what they did. There was no anger any more toward my parents. I was on good terms with them, and they really loved me. I know that now. Then what happened. My father passed away, when I finally wasn’t angry at him or my mom, my father died. How should that make me feel? I am angry, and why shouldn’t I be. Life is shit, and shit is life.
I’ve experienced a lot while I was growing up. Many things, especially death, and in such a small span of time. My grandfather passed away right before the millennium, my grandmother about 2 years later, and my dad a year and a half later. There were other deaths in my family before them, but I was too young to understand or see the impact. But when my grandfather died, I was an adult, and I’ve never lost anyone so close to me before.
Losing my grandmother was the toughest before my dad. I loved her dearly. There were many things that happened between the time my grandfather passed and when she passed that I was upset with. It had more to do with how she was treated than anything else. I didn’t agree with some of the things that my family had put her through, but I couldn’t say anything at all. My opinions didn’t mean anything when it came to my uncles and my father. They made all of the decisions, and it seemed my father had the same ideas that I had, which was to try and bring her home. Things got a little to tough at the end, and she ended up in a nursing home. She’s been moved in and out of nursing homes and my house in the span of two years.
It was during this time that when she was sick that I moved down to California. She loved me dearly. I was her favorite grandchild, and I abandoned her. I did. I felt guilty for doing it. Going home and seeing her slowly rot away in the nursing bed, eyes glazed over from the drugs. It’s just sad. And I left her. I know I shouldn’t feel this guilt, but I do. I felt angry at my family at this time also for not telling me what is happening with her. I wasn’t even told that she feel and broke her hip and had to have surgery until it was a week and a half later. See, it’s my parents trying to protect me again. The thing that I was the most upset about, as I stated in an earlier entry, was that I was never told about my grandmother’s death until nearly 5 hours later. It wasn’t my dad who told me, but my cousin. My dad called a little later, and he never apologized for not calling me earlier.
I’m lost. I have very little direction in my life at the moment. I am in my quarter life crisis. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I’m still trying to figure myself out. I moved out here for a reason, and that is film. I still want to do film. But how close am I to actually succeeding? Not very, because I’m not that big of a risk taker. I don’t usually take large risks unless I’m totally sure that things will work out good. This film thing is one of the risks that I don’t know if it is a sure thing. I just lack the courage, or I’m afraid of failure. I haven’t figure out which. For the longest time, I had my life planned out, and it is nothing like it is now. Nothing.
Is my life particularly bad now. No not really. It’s just not where I want to be, and that is a confused mess. Not a clue of where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I just need more time to figure things out and just see where life takes me.
Now comes to some final issues. And that is those of relationships, sex, and such. I have practically no experience in this realm. Sure I should just go out and get laid and get it over with. My friend says that it will make me a happier person. Is she right? Sure, that could be a reason why I am so angry. Relationships, and girls have always been a problem in my life. As posted before, I always fall for the unattainable girls. Don’t really remember why or if I gave a reason in my earlier posting, but I really don’t know. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve gotten comfortable with myself and with being alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. For a large part of my life I got the warped idea that to be normal, I need to be with some one. It isn’t until these past 2-3 years that I realize that is not true. It wasn’t until recently that I’m normal, so why rush into a relationship.
You can call me old fashion, but short term relationships never really crossed my mind. I’ve always been looking for that one long term relationship. Sure it scares many to even think about long term, but I don’t have any problem with it. I think at this point, it’s not just a matter of not having confidence, but more of the matter of the situation. I have the confidence, well enough at least, it’s just the circumstance.
It’s been suggested that I go out and get any girl who is willing to bed. But the idea of one night stands, though it fulfills some wicked fantasy, or just having sex with as many girls as I can, it just doesn’t float my boat. I know this may sound cheesy and sappy, but the romantic in me just want to meet a girl, get to know her, and just let things develop. That’s all I want. That’s how things should be, but I guess in the real world, things just don’t happen that way.
Now because of the age I am, and that I’m a virgin, and I’m a fairly attractive guy (so I’ve been told), many think I’m gay, or they say it in a joking tone. Some time there is no tone, and the gay jokes keeps coming. Why do they think that? I don’t know, for those reasons stated, because they can’t understand why I’m still a virgin, being who I am. Also, I’m very sensitive, or that I’m a really nice guy, or that I’m a drama queen, and I do get very moody. They see my feminine qualities and they put everything together and they come up with that conclusion. Are they right? Thinking back and looking at things that are happening now, I can honestly say that I am not. Sometimes I do feel that I should go that way because they are labeling me that. Labeling theory.
I think these are some of the reasons of why I am the way I am. I’m sure there are millions of other reasons, whether conscious or subconscious, that makes me who I am. If you can’t understand me, don’t worry, cause I don’t understand myself. Just don’t try to change me so you can understand me better. If you just let me be and accept who I am, then we will be cool. That is all I ask.
Mumblings of a Hermit 隐者 