Finished by being washed away by rain

Tired and drained.

Sick and happy.

Hot and cold.

Traveling is often of one emotion but I’ve felt quite a bit during my SE Asia trip of 2014.

Much of it was induced by family and by traveling with people, others is just that I was sick and out of my element in some cases. But overall, looking back at the long and whirlwind trip, it was a good trip and experience of seeing new sights and experience new and different things.

I couldn’t have everything go my way. That would have been too easy.

But good trip.

Glad it is over ’cause I am tired and being sick during the middle of it didn’t help much. But good!
* * *


Singapore

It was probably the only portion of the trip that went according to plan or it was the only portion of the trip that went as closely as I would normally travel.

I think it was a great first stop from America to SE Asia, since it was quite similar in the sense of development and communication. Many of the citizens speak and communicate well with English.

We were able to get around without any problems at all, whether walking or taking the public transportation.

The amenities of hotel were like any other hotels that one will find in the states.

Overall, it was like going to another metropolitan area in the states. Not much different and it was a great transition.

The weather was hot and humid, which was expected.

We were caught in the rain in for maybe an half an hour or so, which wasn’t bad at all.

In terms of what we did, again, it was similar to what I would have normally done if I was on vacation on my own. As stated in an earlier post, I would have picked a few attractions and just do them, which was basically the plan and how things played out.

This was the most touristy of our trip, but it worked.

Never did I feel out of place nor out of my element in Singapore. From our first day there, walking that late evening to explore Chinatown and the night market, visiting the hawker stand and Maxwell Food Center, it was great.

I got a chance to walk the city, to explore, to plant my two feet and kept them moving and be a little adventurous.

My family was able to keep pace and come along for the ride.

Sure there were a few things that I would have done without them there, like explore the many temples that were there and maybe spend a little more time at the Clarke Quay and maybe went to a bar to unwind a little bit.

But since, I had to travel with other people, I wasn’t able to do it.

The food.

There were just so many choices in terms of food in Singapore. These little food courts with their different dishes and different kinds of food makes it so difficult. The price of these meals makes it even more difficult. One can get a really good meal for less than $10.

It was cheap and good and real food.

How many places in the states allow you to get an order of Hainan Chicken Rice and vegetables and soup for about $4 US? Nowhere.

What you’ll find in the states for a price like that is heavily processed fast food.

No wonder I didn’t see much of an obesity problem in Singapore with the locals.

They eat well.

There’s really no point to cook in Singapore. These hawker stands are everywhere. Every complex, mall, subway station, etc etc.

They are just everywhere. They provide good cheap food.

One thing I was disappointed in though was the taste of the Hainan Chicken. The chicken that was used was more of the young hen of the Foster Farms variety. I guess I kind of expected organic free range chicken like the kind that I had in Vietnam or even in Hong Kong.

So, there wasn’t much “chicken” taste, but overall it was still good. The different sauces with the chicken and the rice plus for the price. Worth it.

Different meals, different cuisines, all for a reasonable price.

Pretty much, this is all that we had at Singapore. Hawker food. Food court food. There’s just so much variety and so cheap, that it just made sense. Sure, I would have probably gone to an actual sit down restaurant to try something else out, but overall, it was a good compromise, even though I don’t think mom and Auntie were as ecstatic about it as my bro and I were.

Transportation.

Singapore is a very well connected city/country in terms of traveling, especially with their MRT transit system.

We just needed to rent an ez-link card, load it up with money and be able to read a map and we were on our merry little way. Also, the card isn’t strictly used for transportation, one can use the card in 7-Elevens and other stores and use it as a debit card. Very very convenient.

Something like that wouldn’t be able to happen in the states. We’re too wide spread to make something like that work.

The even great thing is that you can return the card at the end of your stay for a refund. So worth it.

Attractions, or what I would say, the touristy stuff.

Like I said before, Singapore was really the only place where we did the touristy stuff, because besides the touristy stuff, there wasn’t much to do, besides shopping and eating.

So, that’s what we did. Again, this portion would have gone down exactly, except for a few more excursions and outings, if I had gone alone.

The first day of exploration we did Sentosa Island after doing a little street exploring to find a place that sells SIM cards.

We did the S.E.A Aquarium at Sentosa along with Underwater World. Again, totally touristy stuff that one can actually do anywhere.

It’s a fucking aquarium for Pete sake, but it’s something to do. Overall, I was very impressed with the Aquarium. It was a very nice and large aquarium. The Underwater World wasn’t so impressive. It was just okay.

Afterwards we went to the Marina by the Sands Hotel and went up to the observation tower. The view was just nice as that area was pretty nice. They had this water show and everything.

Overall, I was thoroughly impressed by it.

The next day we did the zoo and the Gardens by the Bay.

Both of these were great. The zoo was a very great zoo. Not cages. No bars. There are some exhibits where the animals are just free to roam and I loved it. Haven’t been to a zoo where I can get so up close and personal with some of the animals before. It was pretty awesome.

The Riverworld was interesting, seeing all of those animals and river life from all across the globe. Interesting indeed.

Gardens by the Bay. Even though it was a garden, not unlike any other “garden” that I have been to, like Huntington Gardens, it was a little different.

We went at night, so we weren’t able to explore the garden stuff that was outside, but we did explore the Flower Dome and the Cloud. These were very interesting. There was a Tulip exhibit at the Flower Dome and it was just beautiful. These Tulips were marked and set up in these little flower beds next to make shift cities/homes/windmills. Interesting.

The Cloud. It was like an indoor skywalk that you explore of this big rock with plants and a waterfall. Difficult to explain but once you see it, you’ll understand. That was a trip and all of it is about the conservation of water and the environment. It was a very ecofriendly area.

Also, the Cloud and the Flower Dome both power the Super Trees or vice versa….They all power each other.

The Super Trees are these tall man-made structures that have plant life growing on it and is at the center of the garden. These large towers stand tall and light up in night and it was a spectacle. You can walk up among these trees and look out over the garden and it is just a sight to see at night, especially during the light show.

Overall, I liked Singapore. I was very impressed by the infrastructure and how friendly everyone is. There were a lot of tourists of course, but there were a lot of locals and there are times when I can’t tell them apart.

It was a true melting pot of cultures in my opinion. It was a great meld and how they incorporate it in their society. Music stations that plays a mixture of music from different cultures. English to Chinese and then back to English. You’ll never find that here or rarely would you ever.

They tend to stick to one language here, or I just haven’t been to a city where they embrace their multiculturalism as much as Singapore has.

But that was our last night at Singapore. I was starting to get annoyed by my aunt and everyone around this time, since they seem to can’t make a damn decision as to what they want to eat. I’m sure my aunt and mom were tired from all the walking and such, but yeah, I definitely remember I was very annoyed that last night as we are trying to find something to eat.

So, after going to a food court that my bro wanted to check out and deciding that he didn’t want anything and then going to a grocery store that my aunt wanted to go to buy water and bananas and NO ONE can decide on what they wanted to eat even though there were tons of options, I took charge and went to a hawker stand that I saw the morning before that we didn’t go to because it was all still closed.

I quickly decided on what to get and ordered and ate and called it a night.

After dinner, it was time to go back to the hotel and we were trying to find the closes MRT, but after a while, we just walked back to the hotel since it was just so close. It was about a mile or less, so i just walked it back. I knew my mom and aunt were tired, but it would have been a waste of money to just train it back.

Singapore. That was our time. That was our exploration. That was the beginning of our trip and we still have 10 more days left.

Vietnam

My homeland. My origins.

What can I say about Vietnam?

It was fucking hot. It was soul sucking, energy robbing, ridiculously hot.

It was just fucking hot.

There’s not much to say about it. It was just hot.

But Vietnam, it definitely has character.

The biggest impression that it left on me was a bad one. Almost from the get-go, it was a shit show. Sure it was my fault, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth.

We had visa issues. Unbeknownst to us, since we have loose visas, we shouldn’t paste them onto our passport because they had to stamp the back of it. Lesson learned.

So, what we had to redo our visas via Visas-on-Arrival, which was how I originally wanted to do it anyway. We paid the $45 necessary to do it and finally went on our merry way.

But to back track, something amusing did happen before all of this.

While standing in line at immigration, I noticed that the immigration office, a woman, was just Resting Bitch Face the whole time. It’s a natural Asian face that I have and dealt with many times before.

With each person that she stamped through and processed, stoned face.

Then to me, and the first thing was a small crooked smile. She went on processing me until she saw the visa and it drew a red flag. She proceeded to talk to me in Vietnamese, which I didn’t understand and tried her English.

So, the whole visa thing happened, and she told me to come back to her line after everything, which I did.

I got up to her again and she smiled her smile and finished processing me out. She asked if I queued up again and if I paid again. I told her I did, and she apologized and I said it was all right and we all left.

Visas. Lesson learned. Shit show.

We made Vi and her mom wait for us because of the mishap and I, we, felt bad.

We all piled into a taxi and went our merry way. It was just interesting to see how much of a moped, motorcycle, motorbike city, country that Vietnam was.

Zipping around everywhere are these two wheelers. They are stacked with one, two, or even five people. It was a family transporter and a van. Very interesting indeed.

As stated in an earlier post, there are street laws, but it doesn’t seem like many people follow these laws.

They make their own way. Don’t stop. Always go. Make your own way. It’s a very interesting way to live. Interesting indeed.

Then as we got to the hotel it was a shock to see how tiny it was and how the bathroom was situated.

It just wasn’t what we were used to or expecting. I’m sure if I went alone, I would have no problem with it, which I didn’t, but my mom and auntie did, and therefore we got another one after we came back from Hanoi and Ha Long Bay.

It was just crazy that the shower was just there in the bathroom, no partition, no tub. It was just a hand shower attached to a wall and the drain was in the middle of the bathroom. I have never experienced it. Definitely new to me, but interesting.

Then, going through my stuff as we were packing what we’ll need for the Ha Long Bay trip, I realized I forgot my Nexus on the plane. Fuck me.

Vietnam. Shit show.

I told mom and Vi and Vi made her calls.

We then went out to get SIM cards for our phones and to get dinner.

Dinner was good. We went to a night market and ate outside. Fresh grilled fish. Fresh grilled clams. Banh Xeo unlike those that I have had. Thit Nuong, which were a little too sweet for my taste.

But overall, dinner was good. Really good.

After dinner, we just went back to the hotel and crashed, preparing for our trip in the morning. Let’s just say that Vietnam works on its own time.

Our flight was originally set to fly at 8:10 in the morning, but Vi thought it would be a great idea to leave for the airport at 7 in the morning, but then we ended up going around 6 and already felt rushed and late. I hate that feeling. But as we got there, I believe we already knew that our flight was cancelled and that we were going to set up at 8:45. As we got to the gate, our flight was delayed another 45 minutes.

As we were leaving for the airport that morning, mom and auntie were discussing the hotel situation the next time we are back in the city. While we were getting SIM cards for our iPhone the night before, auntie was in the cab alone with the cab driver, who was Chinese. They were discussing the hotel situation and he sold her on the idea of getting a hotel near the airport. They were nice and cheap, only about $35. But then again, it was out near the airport, which is about 30 minutes away via city streets.

They were going back and forth about it because Vi said most other hotels were about $70/night, which I and most everyone else had no problems with. But they were just going back and forth, back and forth about it and I was getting tired of hearing it.

So, I was like, this is just annoying and that I’ll pay for the rooms myself. I was just fed up with people about that point. Annoying. I need to have patience, which I really don’t. Irksome.

I shit you not, not one of our flights out of Vietnam left on time. Always delayed. Always. Every time.

It runs on its own time.

Hanoi.

Again, our flight was delayed, but it seems that the tour group that set up the whole trip wasn’t notified, so our driver from the airport just left us. We were out front looking for the driver and mom had me call the travel company and I spoke with them in English, which was a little difficult since their English wasn’t that great.

Eventually, they said they were going to pick us up. Finally got mom on the phone with someone at the travel agency, speaking in Vietnamese, which she is fluent in, and got to talk with the driver, who eventually came.

But he was there to pick up a French tourist, and not us. But we got to where we needed to go, the hotel.

Shit show. Bad impression. Bad taste in our mouth.

Things just wasn’t working out well, and being the control freak that I am, I was very annoyed.

But we got checked in and everything and then we finally managed to get out of the hotel and to just explore Vietnam, Hanoi. I was able to do what I most wanted to do on vacations, city walks.

We explored the streets, the area and we found a lake that was nearby, Hoan Kiem Lake.

It was a leisurely stroll, and I was just getting adjusted to Vietnam in all of its glory.

It’s crowded and it’s busy. The little zippiness of the mopeds and motorbikes zooming everywhere. Horns honking from cars and even from the bikes to warn others that they are about to merge or change lanes or just being pissed off.

They operate by their own rules. They follow an understood chaos.

It was different.

I feel that it is a little more different than China, ’cause there, there are actual stop signs and signals. In Vietnam, there are hardly any. It was just a little crazy.

After we walked around, we went to get lunch and decided to go back to the hotel. There wasn’t really much around to do, plus it was so hot and humid, that it was just better to sit in the hotel anyway.

We went out to get dinner that night at a restaurant that we saw while walking back to the hotel. Little did we know that it was so expensive and they fucked up an order that we made.

I ordered in English and since the waitress didn’t understand “white rice” we had some issues in getting it. Since my mom is fluent in Vietnamese, I asked her, but instead of ordering it in Vietnamese, she tried to order it in English.

I didn’t fucking understand why she would do that. Eventually, she ordered in Vietnamese and we had our dinner and went back to the hotel.

Peeved. Annoyed.

The rest of the night went off without any problems. We just went back to the hotel and watched TV and just surfed the internet. Nothing too spectacular.

Then the next morning, it was time.

Before we left, we had an hour or so to kill waiting for our tour bus to come and pick us up. I decided to explore the neighborhood by myself and it was definitely much needed alone time and quite an adventure.

I wandered down an alley and was definitely blown away by what I saw.

Being in Vietnam these past two days or so, I don’t think I really saw a grocery store or a market of some type. At Hanoi, I finally understood while.

This alley near the hotel is like a market in itself.

There are different store fronts and different stalls of various sizes and each specializing in their own thing. One store will have vegetables and fruit. Another will have trinkets and drug store type things and there were butchers and fish mongers.

Keep in mind that it is humid and hot in Vietnam, but in the early morning, the heat isn’t too bad. I saw slabs of butchered pigs broken down spread out waiting for customers to buy. They’ll come and tell the butcher what they want and the butcher will cut up the pieces and weigh it in front of them. The same goes for fish.

One thing is for sure, the meat is fresh. Most of them were probably slaughtered a few hours or so ago.

You’ll never find something like that in the states. It’s all about refrigeration and cleanliness. Everything is processed and radiated and what not to make it edible.

Ahh, to be in a different country. It sure was an adventure.

Ha Long Bay.

So, coming back from my adventure, I told mom and aunt about it and showed them where it was. They bought some fruit and eventually our bus came and we were on our merry way.

On our tour there was a large Indian family, two Taiwanese dudes, and two Russian girls and then there was our tour guide, Mr. Strong. His English wasn’t that great, but it was passable and understandable.

So, we were on our way, a three or four hour bus ride to Ha Long City and Ha Long Bay.

When we got on the bus, the Indian family was already singing their songs and entertaining themselves. I’m not a people person, so I was already annoyed, but whatever.

Eventually I tuned them out as I just watched the country side just pass us by.

Looking out the window, I see the rice fields and farms just speed on by and then it was slowly replaced by small cities and main streets. Pho restaurants, internet cafes, garages and homes just passed on by.

It was different and yet, it was familiar.

In a way, life looked so simple. You open your store front hoping that customers will come. You sell your goods and then you close shop and go home. Simple.

The women that are at the side of the roads and highways selling their breads, their phos, their rice, and their goods and fruit, are just hoping that people will stop and just buy something from you and not the other vendor selling the same thing just a little down the road. They just need to sell a little and their day is a success.

Life is simple. But then, there is a complexity to that simplicity. What if people don’t stop and buy? What happens then? How much can one struggle? How many days can you go without selling something?

It’s not all that simple after all. Not at all.

Halfway we stopped at a rest stop and a duty free store gift shop thing. It was a ploy for us to stretch our legs and spend money and rejuvenate their economy. In a way, I don’t blame them. You kind of have to do what you have to do.

But the thing is, everything was so expensive.

They’ll have these stitching art made by quite a few of these “artists”. They’ll just sit there all day, doing their stitches, following their patterns. I wonder how much money they make. Did they get a share of the profits from the art that they made? I wonder.

One thing I did notice about them, many of them were disabled. In a way, it is a good place for them, especially if they can get a steady paycheck of just sitting there and stitching or interacting with customers trying to sell goods. It’s a good way for them to not feel disabled, that they are able to work.

But, maybe it wasn’t so great. I don’t know and I’m not going to pretend to know, but I can hope.

Hope.

But I digress. Ha Long Bay.

We finally made it and it is almost exactly what I hoped it would be, except it was crowded. Way too crowded, but that is expected when it is the number one tourist destination in Vietnam.

Tourists and crowds aside, it was just simply majestic. The towering spears of islands all scattered in the bay is peaceful and tranquil.

I have never been the type to just lay around sunning and “resorting”, but I wouldn’t mind just doing it here and I actually did. I just sat up at the top in one of the reclining sun chairs and just watched the landscape flow and ebb into what it is.

Simply gorgeous.

But being me, I was eager to explore and play.

After lunch, that’s what we did. We started the activities of our little boat tour.

First up on the list, kayaking to the caves and then to the nearby fishing village.

Well, first off, I was debating whether I should bring my dslr because I was afraid it’ll get wet, but I ended up bringing. As we were kayaking, my bro told me that he can do the kayaking while I take pictures and he wanted a picture of him, which he rarely asks for.

I like this new brother. It is definitely in the right direction of how he should be. He lost a lot of weight, he looks good. I think he’s becoming comfortable with who he is.

I hope that he and his secret family is happy or if he’s putting that picture as a profile pic, all the better for him.

We approached the cave and I then went exploring this cave. It is pretty big, but not as big as the biggest cave that we went to the next day. As everyone gathers by the shore waiting for the rest of our tour, I wandered. Exploring. Taking pictures.

After the rest of the tour got there, they explored everywhere and then Mr. Strong Man took a whole group picture with my camera.

Next up on our tour is to kayak to the neighboring fishing village.

Easy peasy as we kayaked there. One thing I do have to say, the Russian ladies were good. Hien and I were good, but in a way a little out of sync with each other therefore we had some directional issues.

As stated before earlier, looking and seeing how these fishermen live, I have nothing to complain about.

Many of them live in these little shacks tied together, floating on the bay anchored down by something for most of their lives. Their livelihood is fishing and selling goods. This is their home. This is their way of life.

Women are out there on these little rowboats filled with goods for sale. They row to each and every cruise/tour boat hoping that someone would buy something. They do this day in, day out, until the sun sets. Then they row back home and do the same thing the next day.

I have nothing, nothing to complain about in my life. My life is a pleasure cruise compared to this. It is quite humbling to see that.

It’s tough and a little sad to see it.

But there’s a beauty to it. The simplicity of life. No phone, no internet, no electronic connections. Just day in day out hard labor. It’s a romantic notion.

After visiting the small floating village, we kayaked back and got onto our little transport vessel and went to the white sands beaches.

We were there for an hour and Hien and I hiked up to the peak along with many other tourists while mom and auntie stayed in the cabana with their coconuts.

The hike was good. It was short, good incline and wasn’t tough. It was a good work out after being sedentary for so long. It was a welcome relief. Afterwards we hiked down and I explored the short narrow span of the beach to watch the monkeys feed on apples.

After a while, we were done. Our day was over. We got back on our smaller boat to head back to the main boat. The sun was falling, sinking lower and lower every minute.

While everyone else went to go clean up after they got on the boat, I went to the top and just watched the sunset. It tranquil, beautiful and just majestic.

I thought the main Indian guy would be up there taking pictures also, but he wasn’t. As my bro and I watched the sunset, things just got quiet.

It was peaceful. It was nice. I can imagine myself just being there, for the rest of my days with nothing to do but to watch sunsets on a boat. It was a life. The life.

I’ve never been the resorting type, of just relaxing by the pool, sunning, but I can see the appeal of it.

The sun fell below the horizon, and soon dinner was ready after a quick class on how to make summer rolls (fried egg rolls). We were joined by the two Taiwanese boys and noticed how the tables were set up. All the Anglos were on one table, the East Asians at one table and the Indians were at the others.

Just an observation.

After dinner we were left to our own devices.

I went upstairs and just sat in the dark, taking in my surroundings, looking up in the sky waiting for the moon to set hoping to see the twinkling stars and the Milky Way, but it never came.

There was too much light pollution and the clouds were slowly drifting in. It was approaching 9:30pm and I can feel an onslaught of fatigue coming over me.

I haven’t felt this way in a while. My body just gave up on me and I couldn’t figure out why.

I decided to hit the sack early that night since I’m waking up uber early (5:20 or so) to watch the sunrise.

I woke up with a cold. I was sick. NO! I couldn’t believe I got sick on vacation, but it happened. There was just too many late nights and early mornings with very little sleep and just ice cold air conditioning blowing down on me and then high heat and humidity when stepping out of the hotel room. Plus I probably got a bug before I even left or on the plane.

I didn’t really sleep well that night, but I got up at the time I was supposed to and just went up to the top. It was quiet and peaceful. Most of everyone was still awake, except for mom and auntie whom I can hear talking loudly through the quiet hallways. They couldn’t sleep either, so they got up and chatted.

Getting up to the deck, I just knew that sunrise pictures would never happen. There were clouds.

I waited up top for about 40 minutes before I decided to go back to the room to try and get more sleep. That never came so I decided to just start my day. After my shower, I knocked on mom’s door and told them to be quiet since I could hear them from across the hall and told them other people were sleeping, PLUS, I asked for some meds.

So our second and last day at Northern Vietnam starts.

Breakfast was breakfast and then we started our last activity, the biggest cave in Ha Long Bay.

It was quite impressive. Very impressive.

It was the cave that I wanted to go to and it was a sight to take in. The size of it was just mind blowing and awesome. Auntie thought it was man made, but it wasn’t. Sure the decorations and making it more accessible was helped by man, but the creation of it was natural.

It got crowded at a few points, but that still didn’t take away from the experience of exploring the caves. It was great.

Then it was time to relax after that tour. We got on our boat and I just sat up on the top, and closed my eyes, resting as we made our way back to Ha Long City. I was sick and I just needed rest.

We had lunch when we got back to shore and I gave out my email address to the rest of my tour so I can email them pictures when they are up.

Then we got back on the bus and headed back. I knocked the fuck out.

We got back to the hotel that we checked out of the morning before waiting for our ride to the airport. We were leaving pretty much during rush hour traffic.

I loved that driver. He was badass. He was a very aggressive driver, much like me when it comes to driving and finding ways around slow drivers, but he was just 100 times more aggressive because it is Vietnam.

I was impressed.

But of course, the flight got delayed about 20 minutes. No fucking flight in Vietnam ever leaves on time.

I just wanted to get on the plane and knock the fuck out.

It was a bumpy flight with lots of turbulence. The woman next to Hien puked. It was kind of disgusting.

The flight in itself was nothing spectacular besides the crappy pilot and the turbulence. The landing was pretty shaky too. Vietnamese pilots. Just shaking my head.

Vi waited for us as usual, bless her for being our tour guide and dealing with us. She brought us to our new hotel, a much better hotel than the first one we stayed in when we first got to Vietnam.

There were two double beds and it was in a large room. I believe it was about $70/night. Not bad actually. Vi brought our luggage and put it there, but since she didn’t have our passports, she had to pay cash for the first night that we stayed there.

So, we just settled in for the night for the next morning, we’ll be taking the bus to Long Khanh, our village home in the countryside. It was about a 3 hour bus ride.

I was still sick when I woke up in the morning, still a little bit under the weather. Just a smidge.

Mom and auntie went to get their eyebrows did and then came back with some Banh Mi for my bro and me. It actually tasted like any other Banh Mi that you would get here, but a little dry, but not bad and then we were off.

Vi walked us to the bus, which was about a quarter of a mile away. It seemed like a fairly simple almost straight line to the bus, but being unfamiliar with the streets and the area, I couldn’t keep track or remember the route exactly. We were debating how we were going to get home, I thought I could remember, but I looked up the hotel on Google Maps and it was there. We were set, well, at least I thought we were.

Either way, we were off. The bus trudge along for the long ride, picking up passengers along the way, slowly filling up with more and more people. I passed out for most of it, trying to save up strength and to rest my fragile sick body.

On the bus, there was this older grandma, who was Chinese, and she told us exactly where to get off. No problem. We were set and for the most part, it wasn’t a bad trip.

As we got into a cab to take us to our final destination, our Adopted Auntie’s house, I was actually taken aback. Looking out the window and just seeing the country side pass us by, I guess I was expecting something totally different. I was imagining a vast jungle and country, but in a way, it was kind of developed. I was expecting huge farm fields and acres and acres between houses, kind of like Gifu’s house in Fresno.

I was just very surprised, that it was kind of like a small town suburbia surrounded by open land and trees and small farms. It was just different, and very hard to describe.

Again, being here, my expectations were just blown away. It goes to show not to have any expectations, ’cause I guess in a way, I really didn’t know what to expect. It was just very different, very calm, as it should be, but different. Very hard to describe.

I guess in a way, I thought it would be a lot more run down and dingy than it was.

We got to Adopted Auntie’s around noonish and as we were settling in, adjusting to the heat and our surroundings, Adopted Auntie was getting everything ready to go to the cemetery.

There was a tractor being back into Adopted Auntie’s driveway. On the back of that said tractor were two little girls. One is about seven, and the other is about four. They were quiet. They were shy. They DID NOT SMILE.

I’m sure they are wondering who the fuck are we and where we were going as their father navigated the tractor through the narrow paved country suburban streets.

As we were going with the breeze cooling us down, the sun and the heat wasn’t too bad. It was more the heat than anything else.

Mom showed us and pointed out the neighborhood as we passed. Showed us such and such uncle’s house and where our old house was. They are all run down old broken dreams that were full of memories.

We continued to go along as I continued to fuck with the kids and try to make them smile. They never did, especially the little one. I got a great picture of them, especially the little one. She’s too cute, but not too smiley.

We paid our respects to my maternal grandparents, burning our incense, saying our prayers, burning our offerings and as quickly as we got there, we were on the way back.

When we got back to Auntie’s house, I explored her backyard, looking at all of the exotic fruit trees that she had in her back yard. Jumbo jackfruit hanging from thread thin branches, bunches of tiny bananas turning brown up high in the tree and other exoticisms. Her three dogs were just chilling in the back, the mother, who recently just gave birth to a small litter, was barking at me, scared at the stranger that is in her domain. But eventually, she calmed down as Auntie put her in check.

Auntie was preparing lunch for us and so Mom said she was going down a few houses to visit some relative and so Hien and I went. It was the house of the two little girls.

As we were there, just chatting and mom and they are catching up, the younger girl just chilling on her own as her older sister got dropped off at school. I for the life of me, don’t know the relation of them. Sure the mother looked vaguely familiar and then I heard the name of the two cousins who live in Sacramento. I’m sure it’s because I was sick at the time, but I didn’t hear correctly but thought that she was my aunt, my mom’s biological sister. But the more I thought about it, and listening to the clarification, it seems that she is the older sister of the two cousins that live in Sacramento.

They are my cousins.

That was when I started to take pictures of them. It’s always nice to see family and to get to know family a little bit more.

As we walked back, mom mentioned the house next door to Auntie’s and said it was haunted. It was run down, and no one lives in it. Stories go that squatters would go and spend the night and then disappear in the morning. Ahh, stories. I wonder if there are any veracity to them.

Hien and I sat in the living room, just chilling as the little girls’ father was taking care of their youngest daughter, a baby, swinging her in the hammock and we’ll just talk. Talk about our lives, where we work, how life is in America, etc etc.

One thing that I loved about being back there is that Hien is speaking more and more Chinese. It’s just great to see that he still has it in him, ’cause it’ll be a shame to lose it. It’s something unique, something great to be able to speak another language, your first language, your family’s language.

So we made conversation and then we ate these exotic fruits that Auntie got for us. There were rambutans, mangosteens, and durians. I tried them all. I am usually not a fan of Asian fruits, even now, I’m still not, but when in Rome…

The rambutans were all right, but I thought it just wasn’t sweet enough. The Mangosteens were very interesting. In a way, very citrusy in flavor, but the texture was very different, but it was actually pretty good. The durian was a durian. The smell wasn’t as overpowering as it could have been, and the custardy distinctness was the same as ever. Just not my cup of tea.

Then lunch was served.

It was actually nice to have, in a way, a simple home cooked meal. I miss those.

Auntie got two kinds of chicken. One was the castrated rooster everyone raves about and the other were egg laying hens. There was roast pork from the cemetery, soup and my favorite, ong choy.

The ong choy was good as was the pork.

Actually everything was good. I was a little disappointed in the castrated rooster, because I probably built it all up in my head and expected something more.

The castrated rooster had a lot of chicken flavor and it was very crisp. The meat was a little tough. There was a definitely a bite to it compared to the hen, which was very soft and smooth. Different indeed, but if I had a choice, I’d choose the hen all the way. Definitely, the hen done in a simple poach.

There was definitely a lot of leftovers left and of course Auntie wanted me to eat more, but when I declined, she had to accuse me of being a guest. Love her, even though that was the third time I met her.

I met youngest son, even though we didn’t talk that much.

Lunch was over and we chilled and rested up, eating the fruits and just catching up before we had to go. While we were there, an old grandma came over. She was an old family friend or something who Big Auntie doesn’t remember.

As the old grandma was talking to me, of course the whole “Are you married?” question came up and I said no. Then of course, she went on a rant about how I need to get married and start a family and that it was just only natural and the best thing to do.

It’s funny how even strangers are pressuring me to get married.

After a while, it was time to leave. A cab was called and we just got back with more fruit than when we came, got on the bus and prepared for our long three hour bus ride back.

It might have been a lot longer, with the horrible end of day traffic. I know I pretty much passed out for the first half of it. As we kept on driving back to Ho Chi Minh City, we picked up more and more passengers until it was just packed. I think it took so long, the woman behind me had to pee in a bag and as we were getting into the city, she demanded to be let out in the middle of the roadway. She got out, but then the bus driver told her to get back on and drop her off at some place safer.

Then, we crawled our way along with traffic and more and more people are demanding to be let out at these random places and the once crowded bus only had a few stragglers left, including us.

Once we reached the end is where the real fun started.

Again, none of us remembered how to get back to the hotel, but we got google maps and I did a search for our hotel and then we were on our merry way. It looked right, but the distance seemed a lot further than what I remembered. But we marched on anyway, me navigating.

As I followed the map, I heard mumblings from mom and Big Auntie about them being tired and not remembering if it was the right way. Again, I have no fucking clue. I’m just following the map. Hien is getting worried too. I’m starting to have doubts also and when we got to our final destination, our hotel wasn’t there.

Google maps lied. It lied! How was I supposed to know not to trust Google maps when in Vietnam?

Hien got audibly upset and I just snapped back, hey, I’m just following a map. We hailed a taxi and sorted out where we needed to go as Hien checked Google maps for the hotel. Where was it at? Where we were picked up. That was the end of that. No word from him.

We got to the hotel, I’m still a little peeved by the ridiculousness of all things Vietnam, I noticed the cute concierge behind the Hotel counter and walked straight up to her. I would like to think she noticed me too and I think she did. I asked for the wifi password so I can just surf the web and just relax.

We went up to our room and I just waited for Vi to come. We were going to the airport to the Lost & Found to get my Nexus back. We did and we paid the fee, I unlocked my precious device and we were reunited. Ahh, I love my tech.

On the taxi ride back, I asked mom about Vi and if we are going to pay her back, ’cause she’s done a lot for us. She got us our SIM card, paid for our hotels, some taxi rides here and there. We have to pay her back, especially for her in helping me get back my Nexus. We discussed it and worked everything out to pay her some extra money the night before we really leave.

Vi is Thien’s father’s niece, so in a way, she friend of the family if not family itself. Thien’s mom told her to take a week off so she can help us out getting around Ho Chi Minh and to help us get whatever we needed.

Vi worked with her sister at a Travel agency. Her English is okay. Apparently she can read better than she can speak. She helped us book the tour to Hanoi and Ha Long Bay. She makes about 6 Mil Dong a month, doing what she does, which is roughly $287/moth. I don’t know how that fare in the grand scheme of Vietnam, but it’s peanuts here in the states.

She’s doing a lot for us and we just needed to pay her back.

So, in the end of that night, she got dinner for us, bun coun. It was so good.

We are down to out last full day in Saigon. I think mom and auntie went to get some new eyebrow tattoos this morning and so Hien and I went to get some pho.

What can I say about the pho in Vietnam? Overall, I can say that I was a little disappointed in it because it totally wasn’t what I was expecting. The broth was sweet, and sure there was the usual MSG in it, but it was sweet. I have issues with food that is supposed to be savory but is actually sweet. Just not my thing. So, a little disappointed, but it wasn’t that bad. It was just different. Just not what I was used to.

So far in Vietnam we have been good about drinking water and staying away from ice, but again it’s Vietnam and it has been so fucking hot here, plus we are eating pho, I kind of had to get some Vietnamese Iced Coffee. It was really good.

So we chowed down on our pho, Hien almost puking because he sucked in too much air because he made his soup so spicy that it was just too much for him. I would have been really embarrassed if he did puke, but thankfully he didn’t.

After breakfast, we just made out way back to the hotel and waited for mom and Auntie to come back.

Water. More specifically bottled water in Vietnam is fucking cheap. I can get a 2-liter bottle of Aquafina water for $.50. Where in the US can you get something like that? Why is water so damn cheap in Vietnam and we are paying an arm and a leg for it here? Just blows my mind. But thankfully it was cheap ’cause we were just chugging water.

Today was just a day of doing whatever. We didn’t really have anything planned, or at least I didn’t really have anything planned. I didn’t really look into doing anything in Vietnam since I really didn’t know the specifics of our itinerary until we left for the trip, so I wasn’t able to look into things to do in Vietnam.

So, on our last day, we just went to visit some of these big street/flea markets – An Dong Market. It is a giant bazaar type market that sells pretty much anything you can imagine. Fruit, cooked food, dried seafood, medicine, shoes, clothes, anything you can probably think. We just walked through a few of these stalls trying to find some dried sand worms for Auntie.

Now, I’m not a bargainer. I’m not a price haggler. I get it, but I really don’t. So, in a way, it was just frustrating for me watching this dance that my Auntie does with the seller about knocking the price down for these sand worms (which is already significantly cheaper than what she would have to pay in the states) and the seller will try to haggle for a little bit of a higher price than Auntie’s asking price.

I hate it. It was for me a waste of time. I could be wandering off, venturing somewhere, seeing different things or doing anything else other than just standing there watching this. Again, I didn’t have anything else to do, but I couldn’t be there.

It was just frustrating. Very frustrating for me that I had to endure that. I guess I just have to be patient. Character flaw, my lack of patience. It is my hamartia.

I even told mom that this is the reason that I usually travel alone. She gave me a look.

Patience.

In the end, after Auntie got her dried seafood and took a look at the stall that sells luggage, we went back to the hotel.

It was just too hot out in the middle of the day to do anything. It was just too much. So, we went back to the hotel and just chilled until later at night when we would go to dinner to the same place that we went to the first night we were in Vietnam.

By the afternoon, I was in desperate need of some alone time. I needed to get away from Hien, my mom, and my auntie. I needed to spend some time alone and so I went down to the lobby, plugged into some music and just typed away.

I looked and studied my brief experience from Vietnam and put my thoughts onto the proverbial page. It was definitely a much needed catharsis for me. I just had to be like the citizens on the street, to just pave my way and go with the flow and ultimately to just let it go.

Let it go.

While I was down there, capturing my thoughts, Vi came and I guess it was just time for me to close up and go.

We all got ready and took a cab to the night market. When we got there, they were just setting up so we just walked about the area a little it. It seems like the area was their version of Rodeo Drive with the high end shops and the river front and what not. Then we just got dinner, pretty much almost exactly what we ate the last time and made it back to the hotel.

There we gave money to Vi, of course she tried to slip out, but we stopped her and paid up and that was that.

The next day we just got up and took a cab to the airport for our last leg of our trip, Hong Kong.

I was feeling better since the day before, but mom looked horrible. She was definitely sick, tired, and not up to do anything.

Of course our flight was delayed. It’s Vietnam. A shit show.

Hong Kong

The flight to Hong Kong wasn’t anything special. The only problem is that it was raining when we landed and pretty much didn’t let up the whole time we were there.

We checked into our very very tiny hotel and just told mom to rest since it is raining so we weren’t going to do anything that day. We would get her later in the evening to just get some food.

During that afternoon, Hien and I tried to find something to eat and Hien tried to use the SIM card he bought in the HK Airport in the hot spot he got for the trip and it worked. We got our internet.

There wasn’t technically free wifi at our hotel, well, not in the traditional sense of it. What we did have was a Handy device that can be a mobile hotspot. The Handy is technically a cellphone with gps navigation and data/web access. It was definitely something that came in handy when trying to find directions on google maps and trying to find places to eat through openrice.

As the time approached to get dinner, Hien and I went out to explore our surroundings. We were in Mong Kok, across from Hong Kong Island. I didn’t think it was a bad area to stay and according to mom and Auntie, it was definitely better than the hotel they stayed at when they were last here.

After scoping out our surroundings and options, I saw that they had a buffet at the hotel next door and that is where we went. It was good. I did enjoy the food very much, but it was fucking expensive. Thankfully Hien paid.

After dinner, we just went back to the hotel room and called it a night. I turned on the Hong Kong movie channel and just chilled.

The fucking rain was fucking disappointing; putting a damper on our plans.

The next day was our only full day in Hong Kong. From the looks of things, mom had a very restful night. She looked 100% better and she felt better. She raved about how great and comfortable the hotel was. Good for her.

We started it early, walking to get some Dim Sum. It was really good. The bamboo rolls were cooked just right, instead of being overcooked and dry that usually happens here in the states. The dumplings were great and the bbq pork buns were fucking great. It is the only Michelin starred dumpling/dim sum restaurant in the world and it was definitely good.

Afterwards, we walked to the MRT and made our way to see the Big Buddha. It was the only thing that I had on my itinerary in Hong Kong, well, that and Victoria Peak, but more on that later.

We got on the train and just made our way to the last stop. From there we took about a 30 minute cable car ride to the top of the mountain to the tiny village.

From here, we just took our time wandering the tiny village, slowly making our way to the stairs that lead up to The Big Buddha.

Of course it wouldn’t be a touristy place if there weren’t cafes and gift shops all along the way.

Once we got to the stairs, mom and Auntie were thinking about not going up and Hien and I were very curious as to why. They said they were tired, but it’s such a short climb up. Just climb slowly. Eventually they decided to go up.

Hien and I went up, taking in the scene, maneuvering our way around the crowd. We actually spent a lot of time around there, as we just walked around and then went inside the Buddha. Mom and Auntie went to the gift shop that was there and bought some trinkets and gifts for people.

Once we were done with the Buddha, we went to the monastery to give some prayers and then mom and Auntie got a few things from the vegetarian deli. At that point, the rain continued.

We walked our way back to the cable cars and made our way back to the hotel. We spent the rest of the day inside, since the rain didn’t let up. We stepped out to get some Asian bakery. Those were pretty good too.

We stepped out for dinner at a local restaurant.

It was pretty damn good. The roasted goose was really good. Not as fatty as duck was in my opinion, but pretty damn good. The beef hot pot was great and the special ong choy was pretty awesome. Auntie wanted some quail and those were good too. It was cooked way better than any of the quail that I had here in the states, which tend to be over cooked and dry. This was moist and crispy. Very very good.

Let’s just say that the food in Hong Kong is top notch.

After dinner, I decided to go to the harbor front since it was so close. Mom and Auntie didn’t want to go. I was going to go regardless and Hien decided to tag along.

So we went. We went to visit the Avenue of Stars and the view of Hong Kong at night was just spectacular. It kind of made me sad that the weather was that horrible because I really wanted to go to Victoria Peak and just overlook the harbor. That picture would have been awesome. Damn the rain.

Just not my luck this year. Maybe next time if we ever decide to visit South East Asia again.

Walking the Avenue of Stars we got to see the Bruce Lee statue. Of course we stopped for pictures on that one. I’m really glad that I went. I would have definitely gone and wandered more if I did go alone, might as well just do it. I’m here and no rain is going to ruin this for me. Definitely glad that I saw Hong Kong all lit up.

On the way back from the MRT to our hotel, it just poured. The sky just opened up and drenched us with rain.

The next day, we just had the day and we honestly didn’t have much planned.

Mom and Auntie weren’t hungry since they had the left over bakery for breakfast. So we decided to take a cab to the Langham Place, a mall next to the Women’s fashion district. We chilled there for a few hours and had lunch. Afterwards, we decided to go to the Hong Kong Museum of Art.

For the most part, I actually enjoyed it. I didn’t care much for the ceramics and antiques and jade stuff. The scrolls were good, but not great. What really got my interest was the special exhibit of Ju Ming’s art. It was definitely a little bit different. I definitely loved his “self-imprisonment” pieces.

Loved the idea that marriage is a self-imposed prison. Definitely very different.

The other modern art by the other artists were interesting too, especially some of the photography exhibits.

Then we just got a cab back to the hotel and then we just waited for our bus back to the airport.

We got dinner at the airport. Hien and I got some bbq pork and some Hainan chicken. Now this chicken was definitely much better than Singapore’s. It actually tasted like chicken. It was organic and free ranged. So good.

I also got some Hong Kong Milk Tea. I enjoyed it for the most part, but I definitely didn’t expect it to taste that way. I guess I expected it to taste like the boba milk tea, where it was sweet. Definitely not. It was definitely different.

After dinner, we just went to our gate and just waited.

The sky was angry that night. The storm was brewing as rain just fell and fell and the night lit up with lightening and roared with thunder.

We waited and waited and then we had a gate change and then waited and waited some more.

Once we got on the plane we waited even more. Our flight was delayed a full three hours. The weather had something to do with the delay, but apparently China grounded our planes too.

Weird.

The flight back wasn’t anything special.

But we made it back.
* * *


Our big family vacation was over and I guess it’ll be another year or two, or more until our next one. Until then, I’ll just have my small road trips and weekenders from time to time until it is time again to go abroad.

This trip definitely taught me that I just need to be patient and to just let things go. I was definitely annoyed by family from time to time. Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety but I definitely need to just let things go and go with the flow.

It should have been a very relaxing trip, but I don’t know why it just seemed so stressful to me.

Control. A lot of things were just out of my control. In the end, the rain didn’t really bother me about Hong Kong. It happens, but then again, that was after the much needed alone time that I needed when I was in Vietnam.

Hopefully I can just get my shit together and be more patient with the people that I am traveling with.

But yes, definitely, like most every other family trip that I had, there’s a huge part of me that wants to go back on my own and venture some more.

One day.

Maybe.

The city with zipping two wheelers

As I sit here in the lobby with the busy streets of Ho Chi Minh rumbling with zipping mopeds, motorcycles, and motorbikes, I ponder if traveling with family or even with other people is even worth it.

All I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of the wasted time, I’m tired of the hemming and hawing and the complaining.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe as I have gotten older, I have no tolerance for these things at all.

I know these are things that I’m currently trying to work on in myself, this being accommodating and just letting things be thing, but I don’t know.

I just don’t like to spend the time trying to bargain for a better price when it is already a cheap price. I understand the idea of getting the best deal for your dollar, but still, there is a limit.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe it is just me and I should allow it.

I should just shut my trap and just be happy that I’m on a trip, exploring new parts of the world that I haven’t been to and seeing and experiencing new things. Maybe I should just let things go.

Let it Go as the song says.

Just let it go.

* * *

Stern faces focused and sometimes unfocused on the cluttered road in front of them, the crisscrossing of traffic. I wonder how they do it.

I look at them and at times is amazed at how hectic life is here and the heat…oh man, the heat.

It’s just ridiculous. Blasting upper 90s with high/100% humidity. It’s not a fun place to live.

Dirty air. Dirty streets. Cluttered busy and often loud, Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon is definitely an interesting city.

As we traveled from the states of comparable city/country, Singapore, coming to Saigon and Ha Noi and even Ha Long bay, a poor and somewhat slowly developing country, it was an adjustment.

I’ve been to poor countries before in China, they are pretty bad, but Vietnam falls into a different place. It’s hard to place.

In a way it functions like any nation, country, city of First World status should function.

They have an economy. Their citizens work, and find ways to make money. They have infrastructure, but in a way, there just seems to be no control.

It’s madness.

The rules in this ruleless nature is so miniscule and small, it seems like no one is following it – in terms of driving anyway. As long as you don’t get hit, or hit anyone, everything is fair game.

Follow the small and little street signs and signals that are scattered around the city, but the rest is up to you.

The rest is up to you.

An interesting city indeed.

* * *

I wonder how different this trip would be different if I had gone on it by myself.

I believe Singapore would have been the same, or roughly the same. Since it was kind of planned like I would have planned it. Pick some general attractions that I would want to check out and go.

Vietnam however was out of my hands. I left it up to my mom, I gave up control over that portion because it was her hood, and I thought I could trust her to do it.

I don’t know, the Vietnam portion just doesn’t feel it has gone the way that I hoped.

Maybe it is because I got sick. I think it is that. I’m very irritable when I’m sick and I’m just letting these little things get to me.

That’s an excuse, yes I know, but it is true.

I’m sick.

We still have a few precious hours here tonight and I want to keep it simple. Just go out to dinner tonight with Vi and the family and then call it a night and be up and early tomorrow to check out and finish our trip in Hong Kong.

Control. I have lost it. I have relinquished it and maybe that is why I’m irritable.

Maybe.

* * *

Fearless.

There are some things to learn from the Vietnamese here.

Fearless.

Just be fearless. Just go through and work your way and find you way, slip through the cracks, make your own road, go against the grain.

Just go.

You stop. You crash.

Just go.

Zip. Zoom.

Just go.

* * *

Scattered thoughts.

Maybe I just needed some alone time, away from people, away from family, my brother. I just need to be on my own, and decompress.

It’s been a long time since I had some alone time. I need to recharge.

How can one go about recharging in such a busy and dense city?

I look around and all I see are two-wheelers just zipping by. Many are solo riders, but I’ve seen two stacked, three, four, and even five stacked. Families riding together, a little boy, his younger sister, and baby brother in his mother’s arms riding in the back.

I look at them and wonder, is life hard?

It seems hard.

I’m privileged.

I have it easy.

I would say that I don’t have many struggles or genuine complaints about my life, about this world.

I should look at them and just be relieved and be grateful with what I have.

I should be grateful that I’m on vacation with my family, visiting the country that I was born in but have no recollection of.

I should be grateful that I have a job that can fund this life that I chose to live.

I should be grateful that I have a small handful of friends that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I have family that I can count on.

I should be grateful that I am alive and breathing and am still capable of wandering this only world of ours.

Lesson today, be grateful.

Relax.

Let it go.

Let it go.

* * *

Be-End-Ing

Endings.

Endings leads to new beginnings; a clean slate, just slightly tainted.

Endings.

The constant nagging that I had won over and I just had to do it. Milpitas is over.

In a way, looking back, I guess it has been over for a while. I was just trying to hold out a little longer just hoping that somehow that I might change my mind, that I might be able to throw away whatever excuse I was giving myself as to why it wasn’t working and come to realize that hey, this isn’t bad.

But I was wrong.

It didn’t wrong.

My gut was right again. It just didn’t work out.

I wasn’t in it.

My interest just faded away like the early mists of the morning, burned into little wisps of vapor. Vanish.

Gone.

Was I ever in it?

Maybe it was the restriction. Maybe it was just the being in the relationship with our labels that put the final nail in the coffin.

I wasn’t able to really feel things out. I wasn’t really there.

Unfortunately, I took her by surprise.

Shocked as to what was happening; not understanding my reasons.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

I was the one at fault.

I didn’t see it going anywhere.

My heart wasn’t in it when it should.

That was the problem.

I just lost interest.

Resulting in me hurting her.

That’s the last thing that I wanted to do to anyone, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship.

It ending.

* * *

Time.

It continues to go, ticking on.

Nothing can stop it. Not death, nor the end of the world.

As we get older, time become more valuable because we just have less time left.

With such a diminishing and valuable commodity, why waste it? Why?

It’s not just that you are wasting yours, you have to be conscious that you are wasting others also.

That is also equally if not more important.

Hopefully in the end of everything, after some valuable time has passed, you will understand. I hope that we will understand that it was the best thing.

Hopefully.

* * *

Leaving…leaving on a jet plane.

Maybe it was better this way instead of waiting another two weeks to decide and mull things over on something that I was pretty sure to begin with.

Maybe this was better for her; the time away to think things over and to accept things.

Maybe it was just better.

Maybe.

I’ll be away on my adventures and I will not be stressing over a decision that I have already made and she’ll not have to ponder and wonder if I miss her.

Maybe it was best.

Maybe.

Time.

It can do wonders, if we all use it well.

Time.

It can kill us, if we don’t know how to use it.

Time.

It’s a bitch.

Time.

And we’re a bitch to it.

* * *

It’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe I just can’t be in a relationship.

I’m not equipped to be in one. I don’t know how to be in one.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I just kept feeling that there should have been something more. It was off.

I shouldn’t be having these feelings.

There has to be something more, right?

That’s not normal.

But then again, I don’t know what normal is.

I never been in a relationship long enough to know how one should really feel.

Everyone I have been in, I needed to leave because it just didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like I wanted to be in there.

Maybe it is me.

I’m damaged.

These goods are broken from the start.

It’s really not worth investing in. No money. No time.

Broken.

Damaged goods.

* * *

I feel heavy.

My heart, drowning in weight.

It hangs with what I have done.

When will it be lifted? When will this weight be gone?

I don’t know.

It’s never easy.

I can never come out of this unscathed.

Everyone gets hurt, even if it is me doing it.

It’s never easy.

* * *

In the end, I just hope she understands.

In the end, she didn’t do anything wrong.

In the end, it was me.

Let’s stop this transitioning

Transition.

Life is about transitioning from one time to another. Each minute is a transition. Each day, month, year. Little moments transitioning into the next.

It is that time again. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year. Another number.

35

I’m 35.

I’m in the thick of it; the thick of my 30s and I’m still in this pseudo part of my life where I just can’t focus or put things together. I’m still in my MLC (mid-life crisis).

Or should I just knock this down to my 1/3-Life-Crisis? Either way, I’m still in it.

I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s been a slow process and I don’t see an end in sight.

35.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Did I get wiser? Was this past number a growing number?

Looking back, in a way, I still don’t know. I don’t know what it was.

* * *

Did I become a better person, a growing person in the past number?

Many would say that I have, and many would say no, and others, just don’t know.

I seriously don’t know.

* * *

Another day, another time, but the same ol’.

Another year, another number.

35.

Growth.

It’s a subjective matter, defined in many ways.

For me, as long as I make some movement in the right direction, in getting a better grasp of who I am, of being a better person, which is the right direction for me.

Have I accomplished that in the past year? The year of being 34?

The jury is still out.

I would like to think that I have grown up a little bit more, have a better understanding of my self-worth and what I can or cannot do.

I would like to believe that and in a way I do.

Even though I am in the middle of this crisis, I made a grown up decision to seek out professional help to assist me in talking through these thoughts and troubles that I have.

I never really understood how much of a control issue that I have. It seems to me that I am a control freak. I never thought that I would, but it is true.

Control. I hate it when I don’t have control over situation.

It’s funny in way because on the bigger scale of things, I’m fine with not having control over and I usually don’t sweat it. But there are some moments when it just drives me crazy, like when Hien tweaked his knee at Glacier national Park. It irked me that he was going so slow…beyond my control.

The little things that you learn about yourself that you never think about until you talk about it.

* * *

Life in the year of 34 was really no different than any other year in my thirties.

I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. On my terms and on my rules.

I go out whenever I want. I traveled whenever and where I wanted. I saw and hung out with whoever I wanted.

I even took a few risks that I never thought I would have done.

So yes, it was a growing year. It was a progressive year in getting myself better and getting to the finer me.

It just took baby steps.

* * *

It was also a year of questionable decisions.

I’ve made a lot of choices this past number that many didn’t understand, but I didn’t care.

My hair. I made the decision to grow it out and eventually to donate it early on during the number. It finally came to an end yesterday, as I shaved it off.

But during that time, I wore my hair however I wanted. Down or up. Tied back in pig tails or pony tails or just any which way I can get my hair out of my face.

Sure it looked ridiculous and many people questioned my motives and wanted me to just cut it, but I held strong.

I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. I stuck with it, as a challenge to myself to see if I can do it.

I can, and in the end, it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought.

I grew out my hair. I did it.

I didn’t give up.

I’m sure that had a lot to do with it also. It was a test, something to focus on, to accomplish, and to see if I can because it felt with this mid-life-crisis that I wasn’t fully committing to finishing anything.

But, in the end, I was able to. I stopped a few months shorter than I expected, but it came close to my goal and it worked.

I had enough hair to donate. I did well.

* * *

Change.

34.

Each year comes with its own little quirks and its own little changes and corrections.

And last year was no different.

With the new number came the need to dress differently and I did manage that. I didn’t wear any of my t-shirts last year, but have adopted a hoodie instead or just an undershirt.

There will be times when I dressed more adult, with my button ups and my tighter pants, a hipster as some would put it.

But I didn’t care. It was a change. It was a new me, a different me, a more grown up me.

I’m not totally there yet, but baby steps.

* * *

Socializing is becoming easier and easier.

Lunches and dinners.

Hanging out and eventually trying something else, as in dating and trying to put myself out there.

It’s not perfect nor did it work, but I tried. I made a small effort.

Much of it was at the urging of my shrink, but yes, I did make an effort.

I went out on a few dates, dates that I would never thought I would ever go out on.

It was different, but not really. It gets easier, but it still wasn’t the best.

I just think that online dating just isn’t my thing.

I work better with friends, acquaintances I know and have gotten to know and would like to get better.

That’s how things evolve for me and in a way, that’s how I ended up with Milpitas.

Baby steps.

Slow and stead of just trying to find what is right.

Slow and steady.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

* * *

Growth.

It’s a gradual thing.

As I get older, the slow is slow and gradual and not the extreme up tick that it once was.

Slowly and slow I get a better grasp of who I am, of what I want. Slow and slow.

Slow.

Hopefully maybe, eventually I’ll actually know what I want out of things, of life, of people, of situations, of my future.

Right now, I’m just riding the roller coaster of time, taking whatever comes my way and just picking up whatever I can about myself along the way.

It’s slow and arduous.

It’s random, with a steadiness.

It just is.

Baby steps.

Slow.

* * *

Life is getting easier.

As my problems get smaller and smaller, there are still some big issues that I need to consider.

34 has been a year of contemplation and figuring out those big problems.

Mid-Life-Crisis.

MLC.

Change.

The urge is not pressing down on me where I feel lost anymore.

Maybe my shrink is right and I’m being distracted by the bigger picture.

There was no clear solution to the problem that I have.

The only thing we did was just talk.

No solution.

Maybe I’m just slowly internalizing everything and thinking things over and over so I can come up with a solution on my own.

Will I be successful and see an end to this crisis?

Will 35 be my year of resolution?

I don’t know.

I can only hope.

Hope.

* * *

34.

Focus.

It’s still not there.

It’s still not perfect.

It’s my quiet thoughts in a large and crowded room where I’m screaming to hear myself think.

But it is progress.

I did put myself in situations where I normally wouldn’t be in.

Going out to the cool hip bars, with people I generally wouldn’t hang out with.

But yes, all in all, this lack of focus is still a problem as one can tell from this entry.

It hasn’t gone so well in collecting my thoughts.

It’s all over the place like my mind, like my thoughts, like this crisis.

I just need to find the right balance of forward thinking and backward introspection.

A balance of life.

I just need to find the balance of now.

Now.

34.

Now.

35.

* * *

Change.

It is happening.

Growth.

It is happening.

34.

It’s about the baby steps.

Small growth.

A little bit at a time.

Just small adjustments and corrections.

That’s what I can say about my 34th year.

It was a year of small corrections and adjustments.

It was a year of baby steps.

It was a year of transition.

Will this transition finally end this year?

Only time will tell.

So, here I am, bidding adieu and saying goodbye to 34.

Thank you for the small adjustments. Thank you for the little changes, the baby steps.

Thank you for the memories and the growing joys and pains.

Goodbye 34.

Welcome 35.

I hope that it brings on more changes and challenges.

Here’s to growth and the right direction.

35…bring it.

Less than a week

It’s been almost a month since my last entry.

It’s been almost a year since my last another year older, another year wiser diatribes.

It’s less than a week before I turn another number.

35.

Mid-thirties. I’ll be in the thick of it soon. Just about a week. Just counting down the days.

Have I learned anything? Have I gotten wiser?

I don’t know. I think I need to go back and see what transpired in this past number and see if it was a growing year.

For the most part, I’ve made a lot of progress. But I don’t know. These thoughts will come at another time, another day….in about a week.

* * *

What to write, what to say?

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My love, my life….the city of love at first sight.

The work trip was stressful, very stressful and frustrating at times, but in the end, we got things done. We got what we needed to do finished.

But, it was another mesmerizing experience in that city. There’s just something about that city. There’s just something magical that makes me fall head over heels in love with it every damn time I go there.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely a city for me.

The walking. The transportation. The people, and oh my fucking lord, the sights, the architecture, and the food.

Love. Love. Love.

If Chicago was a girl, I would have wooed and married her right then and there.

As I recounted what went down on the trip and my frustrations to my shrink and then discussed the magic that is the city and told her that I want to move there; she said, “Why not?”

Why not, indeed.

There’s just a lot of things to consider. There’s just quite a bit of things to think about when it comes to a move like this.

Family. Cold. Relocation. Job. Friends.

Just a lot.

But, it is seriously in the back of my mind. Even if I move there for a few years and then move back here. I don’t know, but yes, definitely. It is definitely something that I need to seriously think about.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

Something to seriously consider.

* * *

Change.

Midlife.

Is it still there?

Am I more confused than ever?

I know there are some remnants of what I want to do, but is that unfocused energy, that deathly urge to change, is that still there?

I don’t know.

It is definitely not as strong as it was, but I think ultimately, it is still there.

Maybe this is another conversation to table for another day?

Maybe.

I don’t know. But it seems like some of the pressure I was putting on myself was relieved, but there are still some things that are floating that is gently nudging me in its own way.

Basically, I’m just a confused mess.

Still confused as ever.

* * *

Starting again, starting new.

Cold. Cold cold shivers run through my body as the slight cool breeze of the AC blows ever so gently out the ceiling vent.

The cool air drops heavy in its mass and mixes in with the warm air that my body latches on to for dear life. Cold cold shivers run through my body.

Cold.

Another one on this last day of rest. Another shivering of body feeling ugh as I try to get better from the battle that I lost last week.

It seems that getting older is wreaking havoc on my immune system. No longer strong enough, or young enough to battle the young and tireless germs that are floating around in the unsanitary air.

These tried and true veterans are slowly losing this new battle. Our numbers are dwindling and the fight looks dire.

It could be worse, much worse, but I just need to rest up a little bit more and let them fight their final fight. Maybe they’ll come out of it as victors, restoring my health to what it once was.

Oh, to be young again. Oh, to be young.

* * *

Cold cold cold.

The old man in me thinks things over. It rolls all thoughts around and around, hoping that it can come up with something reasonable. It hope that something makes sense, but everything is just off. Just a little bit.

Things are just off.

Off.

Turning off my brain, turning off my head. Just are things going to work? How are things supposed to just be compatible when my thoughts are with someone else, lusting over them, thinking about them?

How?

How are things supposed to be?

* * *

Going in positive

Do I ever get lonely?

No.

Why do you want to be with someone if you think of it as a ball and chain and that you need so much alone time?

The battle of my two sides. I can’t reconcile them. I need to find a happy balance and I can’t see it.

* * *

It was actually a taxing day at the shrink today. It’s like she doesn’t understand what it’s like being an introvert and why small talk is so tough and so taxing.

Maybe I am just extremely sensitive to it and my aversion to it is just so bad, that I really can’t do it. It’s tough.

With these meetings and groups, I need to go in with a positive attitude.

I’m letting my fear of it get to me.

I see her point and yes, she is right.

She is right, but I still don’t get it.

Small talk.

I hate it.

It just doesn’t work for me.

Fuck.

I need to change. I need to make this happen.

I just need to figure out what I want.

* * *

What else is going on in my head?

What other judgments am I passing or thinking about when I’m trying to get to know these people?

What else is happening?

There has to be something, right?

Why is it easier for me to talk to a three year old than it is for me to talk to an adult?

Am I letting my insecurities get the best of me? What are my insecurities when I’m talking with people?

Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m socializing and that I worry that I’m boring or that they don’t find me interesting?

Is that it?

I need to change the way I think. I need to change the pressure I put on myself in these type of situations.

I need to change the way I see these things.

A different mindset.

Instead of going there to meet new people, I need to find a different purpose.

To have fun.

I need to go and have fun.

Change the mindset, change the outcome.

Change.

* * *

Troubling.

It just seems very troubling for me that I don’t know what it is that I want.

I have always been of two sides.

I have always been of two minds.

How to find the reconciliation?

How?

* * *

Take drastic action.

Make drastic changes.

Force.

My midlife continues.

* * *

Ice breakers.

Questions.

Prompts for small talk.

I need to get better.

* * *

Ru Guo

Perhaps.

Just perhaps, this isn’t it.

Perhaps, this is just what it was, a friends with benefits thing. Perhaps this just two lonely people getting together to try things out.

Maybe my feelings for you isn’t as strong as I thought it was and that yours for me is a lot stronger than I thought.

Maybe.

Just perhaps, that it isn’t meant to be.

Just perhaps.

* * *

Friends.

Is it more or am I just incapable of not feeling anymore?

Am I just self-sabotaging myself to be able to be in something? I don’t think I want to believe that I am.

Maybe I am just incapable or maybe it is just that I don’t feel anything special.

I don’t know.

Are the lack of similar interests that important to me? Our different taste in movies and that I love to read and she doesn’t, are these reasons getting in the way of it becoming something more, something stronger?

Or is it just that I’m difficult and I just don’t know what I want.

From an outside perspective, it seems like things aren’t going to work in the long run.

Am I sticking it out in hopes that things would get better or it may be out of convenience?

It’s not like things aren’t bad.

Things are good. I like her and I do enjoy my company.

But there are times when I feel that I need my space and I need some alone time.

I’m going to hurt her.

I really don’t know what to do.

* * *

Decisions.

I have some decisions to make and a lot of thing to think over.

Relationships.

Maybe I’m just not meant for them. Maybe I am just not equipped to be in one.

I am a living contradiction, a man that is of two minds and two hearts, pulled in separate ways — never being able to be one.

A lot to mull over.

* * *

Guilty.

Going on a date and she doesn’t know. I felt guilty.

* * *

What to do?

Talk it out. Talk it out with a third party that knows us.

Talk it out.

* * *

Time.

Time will tell what will happen.

She’s not the only one on my mind as my heart still hasn’t moved on yet.

Ms. D is still there, lingering.

I’m just waiting on something that will never happen.

I’m waiting because it is safe.

Ego Tripping

Tripping all week.

I’ve been tripping with the family all week. It was a long long week that came and went in a blink of an eye.

I’m tired. So so tired. I don’t think I’ve been so tired before. It was definitely taxing.

I had very very little time to recharge. I had very little time to myself, whenever I can, I steal some. Whatever little time I can.

Overall, it was a good trip though. I had a good time with my mom, and my two aunties, one whom I only spent a few hours with before. But it was a very tiring trip.

It started late Saturday night as I picked them up from the airport at 12:30 AM. Things were fine, as things usually are at that time of the night.

The only problem was that I had a very very busy day with the cleaning and putting up the bike rack and the errands and shoe racks. I barely got any time to relax and watched House of Cards. Then Macaron came over and the rest of the night was moot, even though it was late-ish already.

Tired. Barely any sleep as I couldn’t sleep on the futon that night for some reason.

The next day was our trip out to the 626. For the most part it was fine, it was actually good.

It was a light relaxed day as we went to grab some lunch and did some light shopping before we headed over to their friends house. They just moved in and it was a Viet woman who babysits a ton of kids for $20/day. That’s not a bad price. Very cheap in my opinion, but she was nice and she speaks Canto.

I sat there for a while, just listening to them talk as more and more friends came over to catch up.

For the most part, they haven’t seen each other in over 34 years. There was a lot to talk about and to talk.

I went home, because mom said that I could.

The biggest impression I got was the rowdy kids, all laughing at me, because I had my hair up in my top knot and rat tail. It worked, but later in the night, as I went over to get dinner with them, the kids became more social with me. A little rowdy and kept calling me “Old Man” or “Fuck you, Old Man”. It was kind of funny and cute.

That night was easy. That day was easy.

The rest of the week was a blur. It was just a mess of long hours in the car, me getting tired and not being able to sleep at night. It was fantastic.

Monday should have been an easy easy day, and for the most part it was. We spent most of it in the car, driving up the 5 to SF. It took us about 6 hours or so to get to Chinatown, getting on the new Bay Bridge. It was actually kind of awesome.

We parked and we were on our way down the streets and hills of Chinatown. We crisscrossed the streets back and forth, looking at the vegetables and other novelty items in storefront. About an hour later, they were done.

ALL OF THEM WERE DONE.

So, it being around 4 and mom doesn’t want to go to Big Auntie’s left because she was going to get home late and didn’t want to inconvenience them in having them take us out to dinner, we had to find something else to do.

The Golden Gate Bridge.

We were on our way.

We went to the park, which I had never been, so I was actually kind of excited. We parked the car and did a small hike around. We saw, we took pictures, we explored for a little bit and then we were done.

DONE. All before 5pm.

So, we were going back to Fremont/Union City. Being the brilliant navigator that I am and google maps, instead of going through the city and back to the Bay Bridge, we went to 101 North, across the Golden Gate Bridge and went in a big ass circle. It took almost forever.

Long long long day of bad decisions.

Oh, don’t get me started on having the issues I had all prior to the trip even starting.

  1. Getting the bike rack up was a shit show. The drill I borrowed sucked. No power. I broke my shoe rack (which was kind of fortunate ’cause the new shoe racks at Target were much bigger), I drilled multiple holes in my wall, I had to go, last minute to OSH to pick up a stud finder, and on Saturday morning, I had to drive to The Lion’s to pick up a more powerful drill.
  2. I had already booked our hotel at the Cosmopolitan for Monday, ’cause the plan was originally to go to Vegas first, then the bay. Mom changed it on me last minute, as I picked her up from the airport, she told me. I was peeved. Very peeved. Because it was so close to the check-in date, I couldn’t cancel the reservation without having to pay for the full day, so I had to call expedia to make just changes and changed the check-in date to Wednesday. Ended up having to spend an extra $200. Fun times

So, we got to auntie’s house, put down our bags and rested about 10 minutes before we were out the door again and in the car to go to dinner. Getting to dinner was another fiasco in itself.

Auntie convince uncle to sit in my car and help me navigate as auntie drove their Pilot. Uncle for some reason got scared and didn’t trust that auntie would get there, so while we were stopped in an intersection, uncle released his seat belt and was about to jump out of the car to switch positions with auntie. When I put a kibosh to that, he ended up calling her to get her directions. It was just a weird and frustrating night.

Dinner in itself went fine. Met up with Cynthia and we just chatted and caught up.

The rest of the trip was fine for the most part.

Getting out of Fremont wasn’t without its headaches, but in the end, we got out and were on our merry way to Sacramento.

The drive was fine and that day was fine.

I got there and managed to take a short nap and then I met first cousins on my mom’s side that I never met before. It was interesting to say the least.

The next day was the long long long drive to Vegas. It happened without any problems. We checked in and rested about an hour or so before we went out to explore the Strip.

I haven’t been there in about 10 years and it was definitely changed. Grant it that I don’t remember much of Vegas from way back when, but it was definitely different, but not really.

As we trekked the strip, mom and the aunties tried to catch up to my fast walking and eventually they got wiped out as Big Auntie’s feet hurt. We went to get dinner and then we went to the room.

I left to sit in a bar for about an hour just to get away and spend some time alone.

The next day we explored the other half of the strip and finally went to eat.

Auntie wasn’t feeling well, but eventually she got better.

The drive back to LA was uneventful.

Friday we went to Wi Day Spa and sauna for a bit. I had a good time sweating, but mom and auntie didn’t sweat as much. I figured. Then we went to Alhambra and met up with Big Auntie’s old friends.

We tried to get out of dinner, but we couldn’t.

Eventually we got home and the next day, we just relaxed and didn’t do anything. I dropped them off at the airport and came home and just crashed.

The whirlwind weekend was over.

I just rested and in a way, I’m still resting.

It was definitely a good trip, albeit with some issues that were beyond my control, but it is definitely something that I would do again. It was for family.

It was for family.

Caution: Wet Floor

Boxed in triangular, dancing my jig on this wet floor thin ice I’m doing my jig on, I don’t know what is happening with me.

My week has been shit. Literally, shit. Shit shit shit shit. Everywhere I look is just shit.

Things are finally looking to calm down a little bit. Slow and slow, things are slowing down, winding down and beginning to go back to normal, maybe. Just maybe it will be.

It all started with a Macaron getting into the cat food and having the shits. His shits lead to him running away and almost getting hit by a car. I was almost hit too. Yay for getting hit by cars.

His shits of course naturally lead to Pickles’s shits, which he is hopefully getting better from now, since he’s taking medicine for it.

Shit shit shit shit.

Just a shitty weak and I’m glad that it is over. Hopefully things will get better.

* * *

It’s the end of another week or just the beginning of another.

It’s been a week since I’ve written the above and I’m tired. I’m cold and tired.

My allergies has gotten the best of me, but yet, I’m out here just typing away.

Things has progressed in the Sassy Pants front. We had our talk and I guess we had our first official date just the other night.

Things went well. I get a better sense of her personality and her humor. Right up my alley.

Things are going well and I’m not going to think too much of it. One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One date at a time.

Just one….at a time.

* * *

Superbowl is here and I thought it would be a great excuse for me to make some wings. It’s going to be a wings fest today and I’m actually looking forward to it.

Bring it on.

Go Seahawks.

Speaking of sports, it has been a while since I’ve actively watched sports or have I been invested in a game. I think the last time was when the Seahawks were in the Superbowl, way back in ’06. We lost. There were a lot of bad calls.

But before then, it was before I moved down to California.

I guess the reason I watched so much sports back then was because dad watched sports. I guess in a way, it was a way to bond with him, to follow his interests and it was just a different time back then for me.

But, I pretty much shut down this sports watching right when I moved down here…and plus the record breaking Mariners’s season came to an early end during the playoffs to the A’s.

Such disappointment.

But here we are again, Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos.

Go Seahawks!

* * *

Going out.

Meeting new people.

I need to do it.

I really do. If not, then I really am choosing to be alone.

Sassy Pants aside, it does seem that I am truly choosing to live my life alone if I don’t step out of my comfort zone.

I think the group thing, meetup.com would be the best bet for me to meet new people, make new friends, or possibly find someone.

Match.com just really isn’t working for me.

The whole online thing just isn’t for me.

But first, I just need to get myself out of the house more often and explore. I need to be able to just leave Pickles at home and just explore.

Maybe in a way, that’s why I agreed to take in Relish, so I can just go out on my own more often and that Pickles can have a companion at home.

We will see how long this approach goes.

But, I need to get out of the house.

* * *

Staying motivated.

Staying dedicated.

I just need to make a commitment to change.

Every year should be a growing year right? I should learn something new about myself and better myself every year, right?

That’s my motto.

That’s what I try to live by.

Have I done it?

Maybe that is what this push into the MLC was, that I was too comfortable being who I am and that it was just time for me to change more, to better myself.

I just needed an extra push. I need to stop procrastinating and coming up with excuses.

I just need to do.

It should be simple.

It should be great.

Be a better person.

Grow up, just a little more.

* * *

It’s been a while to get new Happy Things.

It’s been a while, a very long while since I’ve thought about something like this. It wasn’t until the tail end of last year that it struck me that I should do something like this again.

Last time it was pressure by my then friend to make this list of things that made me happy. Now, I don’t’ know. I just think that it is time again, especially for my first post in the New Year.

So, without adieu, here is the list. No ranking, just listing.

  1. Writing. Let’s just get this out of the way. Through this little void of mine, I have come to love the creation of the written word. I love the thought process of just coming up with stories and characters. I just love it when I get into the flow, with good focus, to just write and write and write. To write with a purpose. That makes me happy.
  2. Netflix. What more can I say. Movies to your door and now that they added streaming and have more content readily available. Just love it.
  3. Pickles. My dog. My soul mate. There’s not enough in this blog to write about how much he means to me. His happiness just makes my heart melt. He’s my life. He’s really my life right now.
  4. Road trips. Especially those that Pickles can come with me. There’s just something romantic about the open road. Nothing before you but a destination and time. You look out and see the country that you’ve lived in for so long. You watch the changing landscapes, the different little cultures and the different little things that are new and unexpected. There’s a lot of beauty out there and a car is a great way for you to see it.
  5. Food in general and my appreciation for it. I guess I can call myself a foodie, but I just love food. It doesn’t have to be the fine gourmet food, it just has to be good food. It can be some cheap ass street food, but if it is good, I’m down with it. Just good food. What can I say? I love to eat. Sure my palate has changed a little bit and that is a result of me having the means to eat better and more gourmet food, but I still love all types of food.
  6. Cooking. It’s simple. It’s relaxing. It can always get me into a relaxed Zen state. There’s not much to it, plus in the end, for the most part, I know I’ll get a good meal out of it. I don’t know, there’s just something about cooking and just focusing on the food and nothing else that gets me relaxed. All the stress just melts away, leaves my shoulders, my mind, and I’m transported into a state of mind where things just flow and I know what to do and have total faith that things will be good. The best part is when I get surprised about how well it turns out.
  7. Now, there’s cooking, but then there is cooking for family. It’s a little bit different. I don’t cook for people. It’s usually just me and I don’t cook for friends. I usually just cook for family and I don’t get that many opportunities too. It is really good to get feedback from people to see if they like my food. Sure, there are hits and misses as this past Christmas demonstrated, but it was nice to wow them with my food.
  8. Family. They’ll always be there. Sure there are their moments of nagging, but they’re family. They mean well in their off the cuff way. That’s how family is.
  9. The fact that I live so far away from family. We all can use a little space and live our own lives.
  10. The kids. I’m really happy to see them grow up and be so adjusted and fitting in to life and have lives of their own and not be fucked up kids. They are actually good kids. Seeing that, makes me really happy.
  11. My thirties or my life since the Return of Saturn. Sure, it’s not all rosy now with my MLC, but ever since my late twenties and now well into my thirties, my life is good. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I know myself, my faults, my strengths. I know a lot about me and for the most part, that I’m liked by many. Not that that matters, but the fact that I think I’m a good person and people seem to think that too, it just makes me feel good about myself.
  12. Vacations. They just need to be taken. You got all of this time, that’s paid. Take them. It’s good to just go and relax, to see the world, to see and experience things that are outside of your normal life. It’s just great to just go.
  13. My wanderlust nature. It just gets me to see many more things that most other people haven’t seen. Sure, I can’t compete with many others, but I have done and seen quite a bit, and each and every one of these trips, big and small, just fills my heart with joy.
  14. Fried Chicken. I still love it. It’s totally not healthy for me and I haven’t eaten as much as I did in the past, but man, I still love it. It had to be on this new list.
  15. Spotify. Great and cheap access to a lot of music at the tip of my finger trips. I don’t have to worry about getting hard drives or to curate my own music. It is just there. Sure, in the end of the day, if I cancel my subscription, I don’t own any of the music, but you know, I’m totally okay with that.
  16. Feedly or RSS feeds. It just makes surfing easier.
  17. The internet. A lot of information, answers, and entertainment at the tip of my fingertips.
  18. Knowing my self-worth. I’m happy to know how valuable and how great of a person I am. Again, I know I have my faults, but overall, I’m a good guy. It lets me know that people/girls need to earn my attention also and not just be some floozy people.
  19. Scott…and the Carters. He saved my life. He definitely changed my life and made it better. I’m glad I found a great and genuine friend in him, especially during the time when I needed the most, me losing my father around that time.
  20. Steak. I just love it, especially now that I found that Whole Food’s steaks are so good and so beefy in flavor. It’s a monthly staple.
  21. Yamakase. It’s a restaurant and I am so fucking glad I found it. I been there twice and I have not been disappointed by either experience. It was just good simple food that was well prepared with great and fresh ingredients. It makes me happy.
  22. Work. As much as I gripe about work, I actually do enjoy work. I do have a good social circle there and from time to time, there are great challenges and I have a great group of peers to bounce ideas off of and to help. I never had that before and it was just nice. When I first got hired, I told Blair (my old boss) that I’d give him 5 years. It’ll be the start of my 7th coming in February. It has been the longest that I have been at a job. It also gave me the opportunity to visit and explore many cities that I have not been to.
  23. Chicago. My beloved. I just love that city. If I can actually deal with the winters there, I think I would actually move there. The people is great, the vibe is really chill, and it’s just a very very beautiful history with a lot of history and great architecture. It’s the best of both worlds when it compares between LA and NYC. It’s a great in-between.
  24. Me being Chinese. I think it just made me a little more adventurous and exposed me to many things that I wouldn’t be exposed to if I wasn’t born Asian.
  25. Books. Stories. Words. They are great escapes, transporting us to places that we can never dream of….
  26. …the same goes for Film/Movies. One of the biggest reasons why I’m where I am today. It gave me the extra push to move down here and again, it is such great art and entertainment.
  27. TV. I’m lazy. Plus there are some excellent shows out there. Great TV.
  28. Music. It just helps me unwind and focus, clearing out the ambient noises that is around me.
  29. My sense of humor. I’m always ready for a good laugh. Life is way too serious to be so serious all the time.
  30. My independence. I cannot stress how important it is and how happy it makes me to know that I have such freedom in my life. It’s almost my everything.
  31. Streaming. Easiest way to watch shows without having to follow a schedule.
  32. Volcano Tea House. It is just a quick routine and a getaway from the house. I can just come here and write and write, especially since I have problems writing at home. It gets me out of the house.
  33. Hiking. To be out in nature, away from the city, getting fresh air, and having Pickles next to me. It’s just great. It’s just nice to get away from everything sometimes and just be out in nature. To be one with nature. I’m starting to go hiking without music or headphones. It’s a slow process, but I’m starting to appreciate the silence and just embrace it.
  34. #partyofone. I know a lot of people just don’t understand it, but it is nice. It is just so damn nice to just spend some time away from people and just recharge. I’m an extreme introvert. I need a lot of alone time. I just do. It’s who I am. I’m constantly around people, at work, so, the last thing I want to do is to give up some precious alone time to go party, unless it is someone I’m cool with.
  35. Napa. Just awesome place to relax with good wine and good food. I want to make it more of a regular trip for me, whether it is with my bro, family, or someone else, even by myself.
  36. Boy and his dog XXXX. Sure it is just a simple road trip back to Seattle, my home away from home, with Pickles, but I look forward to it every year that I do it. It’s just a mixture of everything that I love. I get some family time, I get my road trips, I get my hiking, and I get food. Each one is very memorable and I’m glad to have done them. Every single one of them. It is a definite, definite must for me. Every year if I can.
  37. My walks with Pickles. It’s simple. Just a simple walk around the neighborhood so he can get his exercise and I’m getting my exercise also. There are times when he can test my patience, going slow and sniffing everything, so I have to drag him, but it’s nice.
  38. Audible/Audio books. I never read or gotten through so many books in my life. It’s a great way to “read” per se. I love books, and I have a lot of time when I’m walking or doing chores or even hiking. It’s a great way to multitask and get some stories. I do have to say, sometimes, if I can’t understand the narrator, because he/she has an accent, it is a turn off, but it’s good. Nonfiction definitely doesn’t work as well as fiction.
  39. Growth/Learning. I love growth, especially personal growth. Everyone should always grow as a person. Everyone. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. Definitely, there is always something to learn and to grow.
  40. Photography. It is something that I had gotten into again in the past few years. I love it, but I’m at a point where I’m so unfocused, that I have no inspiration. Hopefully I can get some inspiration soon. I need a muse.
  41. Aaron Sorkin. He’s a fucking god.

I think I will stop here as I am struggling to think of more things. It’s tough when you really think about it, the things that makes you happy. We are people who are so focused on the negative, the things that stand out and annoy us, but we don’t really think about the everyday things that makes us happy.

So, until next time I make a list, or think of some other things to add, please enjoy.