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Skipping login

Here I am, back at it again, not doing what I’m supposed to do.

There’s just a lot on my mind, and most of it has to do with Pickles. Lately he’s been having some incontinence issues, more so than usual so I wanted to get him checked out. I took him to the vet again and again for more and more tests and finally, today should be the last test.

The vet suspects that he might have Addison’s disease, which basically boils down to low testosterone ’cause one of his glands aren’t working properly. Reading the symptoms, he doesn’t have many of the symptoms, besides the incontinence.

Pickles isn’t lethargic, doesn’t vomit or have diarrhea, unless there’s a specific reason for it, like getting into food he shouldn’t be getting into.

So, as of right now, the final tally of vet bill is about $800+ and my pet insurance won’t cover for any of it because I have changed it down to accident coverage only because the premiums are outrageous. I’m going to have to cancel his policy tomorrow, ’cause there’s really no point in continuing it since most of the things that he’ll go in for wont’ be covered and I’m already paying a lot out of pocket.

So, policy will be gone.

All this time, I’m mad at Pickles because he’s costing me so much money even though he’s not at fault. He didn’t do anything. He just might have this disease and it is beyond his control, but I’m still mad at him, ’cause it is getting expensive.

Selfish. I’m just selfish. I just need to focus on Pickles and hope that he’ll be okay after everything and that he’ll be fine, whether he does have Addison’s or not.

I won’t get the test results back until tomorrow or Tuesday and Pickles is still at the vet. He was so scared and not having any of it when they took him away.

If he does have Addison’s care should be simple. He’ll have to take steroid supplements daily, I believe, and he’ll need to get monthly shots.

He’s getting old and this is what happens. I just need to allow for it.

It is beyond my control and I just have to deal with it and to just let it go.

Just let it go.

* * *

For some reason, it seems I’m just having more and more judgmental thoughts and I don’t for the life of me understand why. It is definitely bothering me and I just need to stop it.

Just stop it.

I don’t like this, so I just need to stop it.

* * *

I’m supposed to be working on my script today, working it out with Scott that my 10 pages aren’t due next week but in two weeks instead ’cause I do want to update the pages that I have because of what was discussed at the writer’s group yesterday.

The group was good. I had a good time discussing Scott’s script and dissecting Danya’s idea for her script and then just listening to the critique and taking notes for my script. They were good notes and I do see the problems that they had and I’ll make changes accordingly, but there are some that I will still want to keep.

I’ll just see what happens when I do it and I still need to focus on the last half of the script, working out the logistics and everything.

But, I think I can manage and finish it at the pace that I am currently going. I don’t see why I wouldn’t finish it.

* * *

Addison’s is something that humans can’t get also. I’m a hypochondriac and now I’m wondering if I have it since I feel so lethargic, but I don’t vomit or have diarrhea or be dehydrated.

I think I just need to not think about that.

* * *

is it because you are out of this world?

I missed my chance. I had an opportunity and I totally dropped it. Man, what was I thinking?

Things had always been awkward between her and me anyway, but it seems that things are getting easier. She’s easier to talk to or to even start talking too. There’s no shyness or even any awkwardness. There is some semblance of playfulness in our interactions, but most of it, no.

But I definitely had an opportunity and I missed it. Damn my brain. Curse it.

I asked to borrow her laptop so I can do a speedtest on the wifi in a particular area of the second floor and the first thing she says to me is to not laugh.

I grabbed it and looked at the group picture that was on her screen. It was a group of creatives and production people all dressed in white and her sitting in the front, wearing a weird little blue shirt. I didn’t even recognize her really, but thinking back, it was her.

“Do I get it?” I shook my head, nope. She points to someone, “What’s that?”

“Grace”

“No, what color?”

“White.”

Now, she points to her shirt, “That?”

I shook my head. No clue. It’s her in a “space shirt”. The shirt is a very piss poor representation of space. It was in shades of blue with a comet or a big white shooting star floating across the chest.

And I’m like, okay. Sure. Space. So, what do we have when we put it all together, “White Space”. Our new motto, our new direction. “It’s very abstract” she said. No shit.

“Do you know how lucky it was for me to have a space shirt?” she asked.

And it was then and there that I missed my chance. I missed my opportunity. I didn’t think of it till this morning, a full over 12 hours later. Damn, I’m losing it in my old age.

I should have said, “Why do you have a space shirt? Is it because you are out of this world?” It’s fucking cheesy as hell, but I have no shame. I’m prone to cheesiness and it is what I’m known for.

Fucking ass, I lost the moment. I lost the opportunity.

Damn.

But, c’est la vie. I’m sure I’ll get other interactions. Ahhh….until next time, I guess.

* * *

I am supposed to be writing my pages today, right now, adding more to my already steady growing collection of pages on my current script. I have incentivized myself to write more and I am supposed to be writing, but I’m not.

I’m finger tapping this out instead, stretching my fingers, prepping my mind to problem solve my next set of scenes and pages.

I’m biding time, I’m procrastinating.

I’m free writing to get back into it, having taking the week off of not thinking about it. It is time to get back to it.

Pages are due tomorrow for the writer’s group next week.

Let’s see how many more pages I get.

* * *

I’m hungry. I’m actually hungry, like right now, really hungry.

At least I have lunch and dinner already planned out so I can just get to it when I get back to the apartment, but it is really distracting.

* * *

This is what happens when you decide to procrastinate and blog when you really have nothing to blog about.

I don’t have much to say, but I have already committed to this thing and I’m not quitting. Just not yet.

Food.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written that post about wanting to be happy, choosing to be happy, to face reality and to change how I should see the death of my father to less of it being my fault to the reality of shit just happened and he died.

There’s no meaning behind it. It’s life.

Existentialism. It is just life.

How do I feel? I don’t know. I know that some thoughts drift in and out and I just shake them out of my head, not wanting to think, to ponder, or even to consider those thoughts.

Hopefully I shake them off enough that I won’t be thinking about them anymore and they’ll just be in the past and I’m moved on.

Hopefully.

I guess that’s what I’ll discuss with my shrink tomorrow, how to shift and change that perspective when it has been canon and truth for so long. How indeed.

We shall see.

* * *

Deflated, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I should be happy for her and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen anyway, but it’s just within my nature to hold out hope.

I can’t expect anything to happen when nothing happened to begin with.

But let’s hope that it is easier to move on.

Out of sight, out of mind.

All the best. All the best.

* * *

Change.

Evolution.

Growth.

I’ve been writing about it so much and it comes so slowly that it just makes me wonder when it’ll all stop.

When will I stop growing? When will I finally find what I’m supposed to be? When?

It’s a matter of time and I’m just really impatient.

Very impatient.

The world is moving a little too slow, or I’m just moving a little too slow to where I want to be in my life.

It’s not that I’m unhappy or unsatisfied. It’s not.

I am actually really happy in my life, living how I want to live, even though it is such a sedentary life, but it is my life to live.

But I don’t know, sometimes I feel that there should be more.

I understand I’m in control of it and it is what I make of it and I guess I’m at a point where I’m happy to live this life and not want to make any more of it.

But there’s that part of me, that nagging part of me that wants something more, someone to call my own, or someone to cuddle with, or just some body to be with.

I think a lot of it has to do with how horny I am.

I don’t know, I guess I just want something casual, or someone who is willing to give me the amount of freedom that I want.

But no woman would want something like that.

Blah, I don’t know what it is that I want.

It’s time. Be rational

It’s been a long three weeks since my last session with my shrink and this morning our discussion came back to my father again. I asked her what my issue was and she said that I had this problem of doing things that is good for me, but feel guilty because it isn’t what is best for family and I’m just irrationally imposing the guilt and pressure on myself.

Eventually and of course, it all boils down to my father and how I feel guilty about being responsible or believing that I am responsible for his death, as irrational as that is, I feel that way. I sometimes still believe that I am the reason that he died. I am the reason that he picked up that second job and eventually worked himself to death.

I’m the bad guy of the story. I’m the reason why my dad died and therefore, I shouldn’t ever be happy. That’s my penance, which is my sentence. I should never be happy because of it.

It’s irrational.

That’s how I felt and that’s what I believed for so long that it became a truth. It became something that I lived with, ingrained in the fragile psyche of mine to make sense of things. I’m the bad guy. I caused this and I have to live with the consequences. I’ll never be happy again.

That’s why I can never be happy. That’s why I can never believe that my father, that my parents are proud of me. That’s why I can never be truly happy even though I am living my life on my own terms and actually genuinely enjoy living a life alone.

If I take my family out of the equation and just look at my life and how I am living it, I am truly happy. I love being on my own with nothing but my thoughts, books, entertainment, and my adoring pets to keep me company. I love that I go out and socialize on my own terms. If friends want to go out and do something that I don’t want to do, I don’t go. I do things on my own terms.

I love the fact that I am independent and am able to just pick up and go on a road trip by myself or just venture off and do things on my own without anyone. I love that. That makes me happy. I’m happy that I’m able to travel and that I do travel.

I should be happy. I am, if we take away my family and the pressures of finding someone, settling down, and having children. But, I hold onto it.

I am able to dismiss other people’s inquiries and not care about what other people think on that issue or any issue of how I live my life, but when it comes to family and their expectations, I have a problem.

Growing up, I guess I was always the filial son, wanting to do what my parents wanted, to make them happy. My biggest fear was disappointing my family, especially my dad and there are times when I do feel that I have disappointed them because I’m 35, not married and no children. I disappoint them because I don’t want any of that right now. I can’t see myself having any of that.

My shrink says if I continue on this way of irrational thinking, I’ll never be truly fully happy because if I chose this solitary life, the life that I love right now, I’ll always feel that guilt.

I have to see the other side. I have to throw away the guilt. I have to just be rational.

I have to rewrite the truth that I have created and just see the plain rational truth of everything.

I did not kill my father. I did not disappoint him. I made my dad proud. He would be definitely proud of the man that I have become today. He would have loved and be proud of who I became.

He’d love me. I’m a man who, deep down, is a genuinely good guy. I’m independent and respectful of my elders and my family. I love my family. I have a good job. He would love me.

My father would definitely be proud of me.

I need to see that. I need to believe that. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn’t be except for my irrational need to put this guilt on myself because I believed I was to blame for his passing.

So, let’s make a pact with myself, that I should just see the rational truth in all things, especially when it relates to my father passing away.

I did not kill my father. There’s no reasonable explanation as to why he passed away so young. There’s nothing that will make me understand why. I just have to live with the fact that shit happens in life.

My dad passed away from a heart attack because heart disease runs in my family. He didn’t take care of himself, in terms of exercising, watching his diet, and resting.

He worked two full time jobs, because he was bored. I have to believe that.

That is the truth. That is the new truth as to why things happened.

I was just down here, finding myself, doing what was best for me because I needed fixing. I didn’t do it. I didn’t kill my dad.

I shouldn’t feel this guilt. The only thing that I should feel is just pure loss.

The only thing that I was responsible for was not truly believing that he was proud of me.

I should believe what his boss said, that he was very proud of me, moving down to LA on my own and doing my own thing. He was proud of me.

I have to believe that. He was proud of me and should be proud of me.

There’s no fingers to point, no one to blame. He had a heart attack. That’s life. Shit happens. My motto.

Be rational. Just be rational and think this through. I am smart enough to see that. Take away the blame. Stop punishing myself.

Just stop.

I deserve better. I deserve to live my life guilt free. I deserve to be happy and this guilt that I am imposing on myself blocks that happiness.

So, stop it. Just stop it.

It is time. I have suffered enough.

It is time to just let it go and take away the biased blinders and see things how they were.

Dad got a heart attack and died. That was it. It’s just that simple. I had nothing to do with his death. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t cause it. Stop blaming and stop pointing fingers. There’s no one at fault.

There’s no bad guy.

Shit happens. C’est la vie. That’s life.

Let it go.

It is time.

There’s no forgiving because I didn’t do anything wrong. Stop blaming myself.

I knew him and knowing that I miss him is enough. There’s no need to punish myself or make up these stories as to why it had to happen. It just happened.

Let it go. It’s not my fault. There’s no one to blame.

Let it go.

Just stop.

Stop.

Let it go.

It is time to heal. It is time to be okay. It is time to allow myself to be happy.

It is just fucking time for this. I have punished myself long enough.

Enjoy life.

That’s what Dad would have wanted. That’s what Dad wants.

I keep saying that I am a lot like him in so many ways and I think that if I was in Dad’s shoes, I would want the same, for me to be happy and to live in the way that makes you happy.

No pressure. No guilt.

Dad was proud. You know he was. You can hear it in his voice. Believe in that. You hear it from what others says.

Believe in that. You have no reason to doubt them.

They are genuine sentiments.

It is time. Stop punishing yourself, Phong. Just stop.

It’s time to live your life guilt free and allow yourself to be happy.

You are the one in control. I am in control.

It is only you who can allow yourself to be happy.

I allow myself to be happy. I set myself free.

You just have to put aside all of these bullshit irrational baseless pessimistic and self-deprecating sentiments and ideas and just take things as what they are.

Life happened. Dad’s heart gave up because he didn’t take care of himself. He was proud of you when he passed away and you know it, you hear it, you see it. He was proud. He’s proud of you now. He just wants you to be happy, no matter what.

Just allow yourself to be.

Rewrite your truth, to just the truth.

Stop blaming yourself. Be rational.

Let it go.

Just let it go.

You know it is the right thing to do. You know it is, so just do it.

Just stop doing this to yourself and just allow yourself to live and be happy.

It’ll be hard. I’ll be difficult to give up those guilty feelings and that self-imposed heavy burden, but it is the right thing to do.

It’ll take some adjustment, but it’ll be right.

It’ll be right.

I did not kill my father.

You won’t even need to learn to forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. I did no wrong.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I am just an innocent that got in the crossfire of life. Shit happened.

Just grieve and move on.

I’ll be all right. I’ll be happier.

You know you see it. You know this is right. You just have to allow yourself to believe it.

The choice is yours. The choice is mine.

It is time. It is definitely time to stop punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.

Just stop it.

So, remember today. Today you start healing.

Today you start living a guilt free life.

Today you allow yourself to be happy.

Today, I chose to be happy.

Today.

to write in a blocked mind

Writer’s block. It’s happening again.

Or did it ever go away? When was the last time that I got inspired and wrote non-stop with anything creative? I don’t know. It’s been a long time since those first 25 pages in my script.

Now, there’s just only a little bit added to it, and that is about it. I stare at the page, the blinking cursor and I see the scene in my head, how everything transpire, but I stop. I can’t write. I can’t put those images to words.

Something holds me back and I really can’t put my mind on it. Something is stopping me from the free flowing-ness of creating something, typing something, putting words on screen like I can do with these little diatribes so easily.

Blocked.

Procrastinating.

Fear.

I’m too in my head, trying to figure everything out and I need to stop that. Stop all logic and just write.

Write dammit. Write.

I need to get something out. I need to write it out. I need to do.

Don’t waste words or time typing out something that means nothing, or do. If it is shit, your group will let you know that it is shit and you change it ’cause deep inside you know it is shit also.

Just write dammit. You fucker, just write.

Write.

* * *

Mind and brain things.

We have scaled back my therapy to every other week. I guess I made progress and I honestly do feel that I have made progress.

I don’t feel the same stuckness that I felt when I first started.

For the most part, I do feel like myself, being always fatigued aside.

I think I just need to be more active and I’m not, especially when I’m working, sitting on my ass all day. I need to be more active, get more energy.

I never felt tired during the Utah trip. I was bustling with energy, even after a long day’s hike. I slept horribly in the hotel room, get up and do it all over again and I feel fine.

Pressure and rut. Falling into the trap that because I’m a certain age I have to be somewhere in my life.

Not true. I’m 35, single, and I enjoy being single. I enjoy independent life and living on my own and through this self-searching journey of therapy, I realized that I am not ready to give that up yet. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship yet and I shouldn’t force myself to be in one because I feel pressured that I should be at a certain phase in my life because I’m of a certain age and that everyone around me is already there.

I need to stop that.

Enjoy this freedom and explore like you do.

Live my life, on my own terms.

That had always been me. I do what my gut says and I do what I want. I always have.

Sure I have these nagging voices in my head and my personal demons that tell me to do other things, I just have to ignore them. Push them out of my head.

I just need to live on my own terms.

The happiest moments in my life is just me living. They are moments of when I wanted to do something, go somewhere, and just doing it. No questions asked, no waiting on someone, but just doing.

I wanted to do Utah. I went. I decided on a whim to do Tokyo, within a day, it was mostly planned. I wanted to do SE Asian, I made it happen. Niagara Falls, done.

Making plans and doing it. Just living.

It just feels good to just do what I set out to do in terms of my life, because they were my choices and no one telling me what to do.

Live.

Live with the freedom that I have and that I just value so much.

I’m sure much of this need for independence does stem from losing my father and that the last thing that I was able to give him was me being independent and taking care of myself.

My parents always raised me that way. Don’t rely on anyone to help you. Do everything on your own. Work hard for your things.

Nothing was ever handed to me. I worked and paid my dues and it was a long long process to get to where I am in my life right now. It was a very long time and as I told my shrink, why rush it.

Don’t rush it. Enjoy it. Enjoy my time doing whatever it is that I want to do.

Chicago in winter is booked. Next up, Iceland. Northern Lights. My first international trip on my own. Bucket list.

Done. Checked.

Just do. Think of what you want to do and just do.

* * *

I’m not a fan of dating. Just not for me, especially online dating. Just never worked for me and I guess me being in the place where I am now, I never put in the full effort ’cause I am just not ready for it.

I’m sure there will be a time when I will be ready for it and maybe I’ll put in a better effort, but right now, I’m just going to put off any ideas that I need to be with someone, to start a family, to have kids, any thoughts like that and just push them away. Kill them. Kill those ideas. They are just detrimental to any kind of happiness in my life.

* * *

Besides my constant need of independence and the deep deep fear of losing it because of a relationship, I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I am.

I want control.

I like control.

Maybe it is because things will go my way or maybe it is the whole being taught to do everything on my own thing.

I have no clue, but whenever I’m with people that are doing things that can be done better, not to my liking, I get annoyed.

Control.

Never really thought that I would be, but it does make sense. I guess it just take some therapy to finally get it through my head.

People walking too slow. People driving too slow. Annoying.

* * *

Be open to the possibility.

Just be open to the possibility of change, or someone in my life. If I do find someone that I like, who seems independent, and is willing to give me space, or someone who is a lot like me in terms of independence, be open to that person. Don’t cut them out.

But I just need to be totally aware of the person first and not be so oblivious as to when girls like me and such.

I’m horrible at that. Just horrible.

Just be open.

* * *

So, the plan of action. Live and be open to possibilities.

Open to meeting someone like Liz, the girl I met at Dead Horse Point, on her own personal road trip to explore the wilderness from via Toronto.

Again, once she told me that she was doing this on her own, she went from a cute average girl to hot damn you are so fucking hot and sexy right now, marry me type of girl.

Independent girls, they get me going.

I guess it makes sense. I value my independence, I love my independence. It’s one of the most important things in my life that I value so highly. I would be attracted to someone who feels the same or is the same.

Independence.

Live and be open.

LIVE AND BE OPEN.

* * *

Food.

I love to eat and I constantly think of food.

Not just food that I can go out and eat, but foods that I can cook.

I think I’ve been just cooking a lot lately. It’s something to help me relax, to fill the time, and something to just nourish me.

I guess I just need another creative outlet in my life since my photography and my writing had taken a backseat to what it was before.

Those are things that I definitely need to get back into, especially photography. I just need to do it. No excuses. Just do it.

But I think food is a good replacement. A good skill to just know and perfect.

Plus, I need to save money and stop eating out.

And I need to eat healthier. This way, at least I know what is going into my body and I have some semblance of control over it. I’m still not as diligent as I should be in terms of not eating out, but it works right now.

* * *

Blah, I need new clothes.

Winter clothes and regular clothes.

But at the moment, the pressing thing is some winter clothes for Chicago. Something warm so I can just bundle up and then maybe some outdoor winter clothes for Iceland. Clothes. Money. Blah.

I guess my new suit can wait until next year, closer to Dat’s wedding.

I’ll figure it out.

* * *

The life.

I am living it.

I am living a life that I love, doing whatever it is that I want.

I get to travel and explore.

I guess my shrink is right in that sense, that I am doing what many people would be envious of, to just work, save money and just travel and see the world.

Those are big accomplishments. Those are things that many dream of and strive for.

I am doing it and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

Be happy about it.

You are living the dream and living the life that you always wanted.

Enjoy it while you can.

Be in the moment and stop thinking about stupid shit that you have no control over.

Just live.

The Trip of Mormons!

2 Hos do Utah or is it Two Hos do Utah?

Whatever it is, we did it and we are back. I am back and it was an amazing trip.

I pretty much did what I planned out to do, hitting all the spots that I wanted to hit and did hikes and night ventures to see the stars. It was a great road trip, one that I will remember for quite some time.

Also, with that much time alone with my brother, it was a good bonding moment. His behavior changed so much for the better, that it was really great to see the new him. He seemed more open, still a little private for my taste, but it’s good.

He looks good. Fit, slimmer, all good things. He wears the same size clothes that I do. When did that happen?

On the social level, it seems like he’s going out and socializing from time to time. Great things.

So, with seeing the new brother and exploring a new state with new parks and freeways with no major mishaps, it has been a great trip.

Where to begin?

* * *

Zion National Park

Surprisingly the main park itself is small. I didn’t expect it to be so small. There is a lot of back country that we couldn’t get to without a permit or strenuous hiking and such, so we stuck to the main park.

It reminded me a lot of Yosemite, with the valley and the mountains and cliffs.

We arrived in Springdale around midafternoon, checked into our hotel and rested a bit before going to the park. We went into the Visitor center to talk with a Ranger about what are some good day hikes and also about Angel’s Landing. Ahhh, Angel’s Landing, that is the one that had been playing in my head. I was psyching myself out the whole drive to the park and the day before we actually hiked it.

The Ranger showed us pictures and what he said kind of relieved some of the anxiety that I had. He said, “Don’t be cavalier about it. Respect it, but it is doable. Only 12 people have died on it since it opened in 1906”. So, the odds are in my favor.

We then took the shuttle to the end of the park, driving through the park, familiarizing ourselves with the park.

We were originally planning to do Angel’s Landing the next day, but since one of the hikes that the Ranger recommended will be closed on weekdays, we changed our plan.

Our hikes on our first day were really simple hikes. Mostly flat, about 8 miles total in about 4 or 5 trails. We did the river walk early in the morning and then we went to the Weeping Wall and Hidden Canyon, which is the trail that would be closed on Monday. We didn’t see that many hikers on the trail with us. Most of them were going to Observation Point, which was an 8 mile hike round trip.

The hike was a good hike. It was a little strenuous, but not so much where I’m dying. It was a good first real hike for me to get me back into shape. I’m glad we did it in the morning too, since it got very hot later in the afternoon. We hiked and hiked the gradual switch backs up and up until we get to a part where we are hiking along the side of the cliff. The walkway was about two feet wide and chains are spiked against the side of the cliff for you to hang onto. I totally didn’t expect it. It wasn’t too terrible, but I thought it was great practice for Angel’s Landing tomorrow, since I know that is what most of the hike would be.

Once we reached the top, it was just a wide slot canyon that we hiked into, scrambled over some rocks, and then just rested. It was just nice and relaxing to just sit and enjoy the silence. It was just nice to get out of the city, to get away from crowds, to get away from people and to just be almost solitary. I felt energized as I was hiking up these mountains, on these trails, passing fellow hikers and vacationers here and there.

One thing that we noticed while we were there and something that I had notice all my other times at other National Parks is that there were so many Europeans. I think the majority of the hikers and vacationers that were on the trails throughout all of the different parks that we went to were Europeans. It felt like we were backpacking across Europe. I guess that was an added perk to this vacation too.

Once we got back down from Hidden Canyon, we took the shuttle to the Grotto and did the Kayenta Trail, which connected to the Emerald Pools that are by the Lodge. This is when I started to die. The Kayenta Trail wasn’t that bad. It was actually a relatively flat trail that was very similar to the Rim Trail that we did in Glacier National Park, all in the sun but flat. It wasn’t until we reached the trailhead to the middle and upper pools. The middle pool wasn’t that bad of a hike. It was like a stroll in the park compared to the 0.3 mile was the trail from the middle to the upper pool.

Fuck that short hike. I was cursing myself. I was dying. The sun was beating down on me, sucking out my energy and my soul. Each step took a little bit of my soul. Each step, I died a little. It was hot. There was no shade. My super awesome fisherman’s hat is stuffed somewhere in my backpack, which was too much of a hassle to get out mid hike. I didn’t expect it to take so much out of me. .

Fuck that 0.3 mile hike. Fuck it. I was so out of shape. I wasn’t fit for something like that. I should have hiked multiple times before I had gone on the trip, getting myself in shape for hikes. I should have known better. Fuck. We to the pool and I just found some shade and sat. I drank water. I drank some more. I loaded up on my trail mix and some jerky, fueling up, replenishing the salt that I lost during that hike. It was strenuous and I was out of shape and I hated myself for it.

I sat and watched as others played in the pool, climbing over rocks and throwing rocks. I sat and watch as I rested and fueled up. That fucking 0.3 miles. I dug out my hat and put it on before we trekked out and down to the lower pools and continued on with our journey. Of course the trip down was easy peasy.

I should be like Minh and say Never again! But knowing me, that’s not going to happen.

But the good thing about me is that I bounce back quickly and adjust once my body gets going.

We made it to the lodge and I just rested on the grass. I laid there, head on my backpack look up at the clouds passing high above and the red rock cliffs that was before me. I let the silence take me in and just let this peace and zen take over me. It was bliss.

The rest was short, but much needed. Then it was on our way to our next trail, the Pa’rus Trail. It is the only trail that is dog friendly and wheel chair accessible. It is a paved trail over a few bridges that is just flat and easy. The downside, you area always in the sun. It felt longer than the 1.5 miles that was marked.

That happens all the time. The hike or walk feels a lot longer than what it was marked down. It doesn’t matter what trail I’m on or where, every time, it just feels longer. Just weird.

We reached the visitor center and that was the end of our day. We did about 8 or 9 miles that day and that was enough of a warm up for my first day of hiking since we still have about 9 days left on this trip.

Springdale is a very very small town that is just outside of Zion that is lined with some restaurants, some homes, and a lot of hotels, B&Bs and lodges. There were dining options, but not that many. That night we went to The Spotted Dog, which is kind of a mid-level fine dining place. The menu is all right, I had the lamb shank. If there’s lamb on the menu, I’m getting it.

The cabernet that I had was bold, strong, and just fucking awesome. For $15, it was well worth it.

My only problem with the restaurant was the waiter. He was just creepy. It wasn’t his appearance, Anglo with his long hair tied back in a ponytail, no it was more his behavior. I think he was just trying to come on too strong in being knowledgeable and accommodating. I have no fucking clue, but it was just fucking weird and creepy. Even my bro thought he was creepy. I wish I could explain with my limited words just how he was so creepy, but I can’t. Just have to take my word for it.

* * *

Okay, this is my second week of writing this and it seems like this program aren’t saving my drafts like I want to, or I totally forget if I wrote more, so, I’m just going to write about the memorable parts of the trip, rather than a day by day.

Story of my life….things just happen and I have to adjust.

* *

Angel’s Landing

Angel’s Landing was just awesome. Again, I was psyching myself out for the prior two days or so, feeling anxious about the hike and the climb.

We woke up early in the morning so we can get up there when it was less crowded. We missed the first bus at 6AM but managed to get the second bus a half an hour later.

It was a cool morning, but it started to heat up quickly. The first part of the hike before getting to Walter’s Wiggles was easy. The wiggles in my opinion wasn’t that bad either, but Hien was having issues.

Once we finished with the first half of the wiggles, there’s another wiggles in the back. This one is much tighter and shorter. The incline wasn’t that bad, but there were just many switchbacks.

Finally we made it to Scout’s Landing. I stopped for a drink, quenching my thirst before we started to scramble.

My focus was on the ground below my feet. One step at a time. One pull of the chain at a time. With each step, I grew more and more confident. My anxiety withered away in a wisp and it was just a matter of adrenaline pumping through my body now.

We scrambled. We climbed and soon, we made it to the top and it was just majestic.

I just picked a spot on the side of the cliff and just sat while I drank and ate, filling up on protein and water, resting for the trip back. It was peaceful up there staring out into the valley and just taking everything in.

We watched as the sun rose higher and higher, shining into the darken valley below us. Just beautiful.

Little chipmunks and squirrels scurry around me hoping that I would drop some of my trail mix, but I never did. One tried to break into my backpack, but there wasn’t anything in there that he could have gotten too. A lucky squirrel got a nut that Hien dropped.

As it was getting later; it was about 8:30 by this time, it was time for us to head back down. The day has begun in the valley below and many are making the same trek we did just a few hours ago. It was going to be busy and with the crowds, the way back will be even more dangerous.

With more confidence, we made quick work on the way back. More confident with each step and more confident with where to hold onto. Thankfully the bulk of the people on the way up were still on the Wiggles or resting on Scout’s Lookout so we didn’t have to wait for many hikers to clear before we moved on.

As we got back to Scout’s Landing, my adrenaline was slowly leaving my body and then I feel it. There’s a sharp pain on my right knee. With each step, pain. Sharp.

I didn’t realize that my wallet was banging down on my knee with each step and it bruised my knee. It was bad. But I managed anyway.

Once we reached the bottom, we just relaxed for the rest of the day. We took the Grotto trail back to the lodge and once there, we got our coffee and caffeine up. We found a table and just relaxed.

We’ve conquered a mountain that morning. We’ve conquered the world. It was like we reached up into the sky and touched the stars.

I thought back to the moment while I was up there, seeing a smaller ridge down below that was hidden in the shadows. As the sun moved higher, lighting the valley floor, we saw it bathed in the warmth and rays of the sun. It was simply, beautiful.

It hit somewhere in my heart, pulling at the strings. The beauty of it just hit me and I couldn’t contain my emotions. Tears almost flowed.

That’s how I got while I reached the top of Yosemite Falls a long time ago. Majestic and fantasmagasmical. Bliss.

I love moments like that. I love it when I’m just moved but such beauty and perfection. It rarely happens, but I welcome it with open arms once it does. That was a moment that I’ll never forget.

As we were just getting our morning jolt, we work out a plan for the rest of the day. The clouds are rolling in, so we reconsidering what the plan was for the night. Originally it was to hike up to the Watchman and take pictures of the stars and the Milky Way. A ranger recommended it as one of the spots to shoot the sky. So, that was our plan.

So, after our little break, we decided to hike up there, to see how rough the trail is and to scope out the spot. We took the one-mile hike up and stake our claim to the spot for that night. The views up there were spectacular, high above the ground, seeing far out into Springdale and the views of the ridge on the other side of us.

Then we hiked down and took off our shoes. We were done hiking for the time being. We put on our flip-flops, grabbed our coffee cups, and hopped on the shuttle again to the Lodge.

There we loaded up on coffee and our little treat for the day, a nice big soft-serve ice cream. I picked a nice spot on the grass again, in the shade, and just sat and enjoyed my day. Thinking about the majestic feat that we did that morning and thinking how great the trip had been so far and that we still had about a week left on our journey.

We took our time. We sat and rested, watching the hikers and visitors just going about their business. It was just simple. Simplicity is bliss.

Afterwards, we did the last two things we didn’t do, the Cathedrals of Patriarchs and the museum and called it a day.

We went back to the hotel and just rested.

As the day progressed, the clouds flowed in, covering the skies. It was overcast and our hopes of shooting the stars were dwindling. It was the new moon that day, so it would have just been a perfect time.

Around 9 PM I went out to see that the skies were scattered. There was night sky and there were stars. I decided I was going to drive to the junction, deep into the valley to see if we can see anything and when we got there, we can. Stars littered the sky like sands in the sky. Shooting stars leaving streaks bright against the black.

We decided to just do the hike. We went back and got everything and went on our way. Up and up we went in the dark. It was my first night hike and thank goodness we have our headlamps. They were handy. Unfortunately, we didn’t see much stars up there. It was a hazy night and it wasn’t because of clouds. Where we were, the clouds were gone. It was Springdale.

There was just too much light pollution from Springdale for our eyes to focus to see the stars. After a half an hour, we hiked back down and drove back to the junction again.

The night of star gazing was a bust, but we still have the rest of the week to capture more, and that is what we did.

* * *

Bryce Canyon National Park

Bright and early we went out merry way the next morning on the next leg of our trip. It’s about a two-and-a-half to three hour drive to Bryce Canyon National Park.

The relatively short drive wasn’t too bad as we traveled through the Zion/Mt. Carmel tunnel. It’s a tunnel through the mountains, coming out on the other side to a different landscape than what we came in from.

Along the way, while still in the vicinity of Zion, traffic stopped as a herd of big horn sheep grazed along the side of the road and some crossing it. There was an impatient guy who almost ran over one as a few cars ahead of us, a car was stopped taking pictures.

The rest of the trip was fairly quick, driving past plains and valleys underneath the darkening sky. Rain clouds were moving in.

We stopped by the visitor center after we got to Bryce and looking at the weather board, thunder storms were expected that day. Also, they listed that the Milky Way would be directly above right at sunset.

Hien surveyed the souvenirs, thinking of what stickers to add to his growing collection, and I just sat and think about what we should do that day. The tentative plan that I came up with, park at Sunrise point and just walk the rim. It’ll be a quick and easy resting day as we familiarize ourselves with the park and its layout.

We parked at the General Store and got ready. My knee was hurting, but I couldn’t let that bother me. We started our hike under a dark gray sky. Things doesn’t look good for us.

Bryce.

What can I say about it? What are my general first impressions after seeing it live and in person and not from the pictures? It lived up to my expectations. Even from afar, up on the rim, it was a landscape that I have never seen before in my life. The wonder that are the hoodoos. How were they formed? How do they all look so uniform and similar but so different? Earth is a beautiful mystery.

We hiked along the rim and shortly we took a slight detour, veering away from our plan for the day. We hiked down to the Queens Garden, me thinking it was just a hike to a viewpoint and then back, but it turned out to be a loop that connected to another trail.

That’s when it started, the rain. It was light and short thankfully, but we were ill equipped for it. All we had were water-soaking cotton hoodies. It just made me laugh a little bit, me going hiking and traveling as often as I do and I don’t have a proper outdoor waterproof jacket. It’s definitely on my list of things to buy before our/my next big excursion.

Being down in the valley floor, necked crooked up at an awkward angle, staring up at the hoodoos, was definitely a humbling experience. The world is a beautiful place and I am blessed to be able to witness its beauty first hand.

I am blessed to be able to follow my dreams and do the things that I say that I want to do. Travel. See the world, not just other countries, but the one I call my own.

We looped back up to Sunset Point and rested before continuing on the Rim Trail. The rain has stopped but still threatening. We reached viewpoint and viewpoint, reaching the end at Bryce Point and that was when the sky opened up and water came pounding down on us. The rain was hard. The droplets were fat. This wasn’t the misting SoCal rain that I have grown accustomed to in my years down here, but the rain of my childhood. This was PNW rain.

So, our plan to hike back to where we started went out the window and we got on the shuttle back to the General Store. There, we got warm and bought our ponchos which we never used.

We stopped by the visitor center on the way back, picked up whatever stickers Hien wanted and went to our hotel in Tropic. It was actually not a bad hotel. It was very cabin like with fast free internet but no cable. It was definitely an infinite times better than where we stayed in Zion.

Once checked in and rested, I decided to go explore and find the Grand Escalante Staircase, hoping that we can find a slot canyon hike. Google said the visitor center was only six miles away and when we got there, I was just definitely surprised to find that the Grand Escalante Staircase was just a ginormous piece of land. All the hikes are miles and miles and miles deep on unpaved roads which my little Civic can’t handle. Next time, we’re bringing a Jeep.

The ranger told us that we could do the Kodachrome Basin State Park instead. It’s a paved road all the way to the end and that’s what we did. The park was small and unremarkable. We did a quick hike and called it a day.

That night we drove into town to get dinner. Prime rib and it was the best thing we ate so far. It was a simple family diner along the side of the highway.

After dinner I decided to drive into Bryce Canyon Village to find a drug store so I can get a knee brace. We ended up at the General Store. They had all kinds of braces but knee braces. Just my luck.

While heading out, we saw that the buffet that had horrible reviews on Yelp was packed. The line snaked out to the hotel lobby.

There was another place to try to find a brace, the tropic General Store. None there either, but I decided to pick up an ACE wrap and called it a night.

The next day was our first and last full day at Bryce and it was the longest hike in our trip.

With my knee wrapped, we started our day. First was an eight mile loop, the Fairyland Loop. It was a hike all in the sun. It wasn’t grueling, but the sun was just there. There’s no way to get away from it.

It was here that I learned more about my brother and what’s going on in his life. A good thing in my book. We hiked and hiked, eventually ascending back to the rim. We finished the hike in about three hours, two hours faster than the suggested time. We reached the trailhead of our next hike, Sunset point and rested. I readjusted my knee wrap. I did it a little too tight that morning, causing even more pain. Loosening it helped significantly.

We will be hiking through the amphitheater from Sunset Point through the valley for and then up to Bryce Point. It was about a 4 mile hike.

The hike starts with going down into the valley through Wallstreet at Sunset Point. The trail takes us down between two towering hoodoos on either side of us. It’s tall. We were but mere tiny specks next to these giant walls. It was humbling indeed. Just beautiful.

We make it through the to the valley floor, through the hoodoos into the clearing and soon, we are on our way winding through the trail, connecting to Peek-a-boo loop. The Peek-a-boo loop winds its way around hoodoo walls and up and ridges. Bryce was quickly becoming our favorite park, even though we have only been to just two so far and had many more after. It actually did turn out to be our favorite.

There’s just so many different sceneries and so many different hikes that one can take. Just pure awesomeness.

It was a great hike and we made quick work of it. Done, we got in our car, which we parked at Bryce Point early that morning, and went our merry way back to our hotel.

After dinner, we went back to the park at Inspiration Point for another try at star gazing and photographing the Milky Way. It was very windy up in the Upper Inspiration Point lookout, but we did had a great view of the Canyon as the sun was setting.

After the moon set, more and more stars came out to play. With the help of an app, we found where the cluster of the Milky Way was and that’s where I aimed my camera. The light cloudy haze of the Milky Way stood out against the dark gray of the night sky. What I captured on my camera was just a light explosion of stars and galaxies; it was nothing short of wonderment.

We stayed for about an hour, waiting for the stars, watching the night sky, and looking for shooting stars. We then decided to head down to Sunset Point for a different point of view and thankfully it was less windy there.

Overall, our last night in Bryce had been a success.

* * *

Capitol Reef National Park

The State Route Scenic 12 by way is a beautiful little drive connecting Bryce Canyon National Park to Capitol Reef National Park. The difference in scenery shows how vastly different Utah is from region to region.

When we got to Capitol Reef, it surprised me that we didn’t have to pay to enter the park. There was technically no entrance to the park. We stopped by the small visitor center and I scoped out what to do that day.

With my knee hurting me and it seems like all the hikes are big long hikes in the hot baking sun, it felt like it would be an easy day as all we did was just took a tour of the park via my Civic. We did the scenic drive all the way to the end, seeing all the vastly different cliff walls and the stretching plains along the way.

On the way back from the end of the drive, we picked up a German Woman who was here with her family on a road trip of their own. She’s on the tail end of her 21 day trip and her next stop would be Vegas.

After the scenic drive we continued on State Route 24 through the rest of the park, stopping at orchards picking our own apples and to the petroglyph wall, which I didn’t’ have the right lens on my camera to really photograph. We took another highway off of the main highway to the end, and that was pretty much our time at Capitol Reef. We only had one day there.

While at dinner at a local cowboy bar, we met a Park Ranger and asked him where we would be able to see some stars that night and he recommend Sunset Point. So that was our plan for that night, to go out on another night hike and we did capture the Milky Way again. There wasn’t as many shooting stars that night, but it was still great to see the stars again. That would be our last night out star gazing.

* * *

Moab and surrounding parks

With another long day ahead of us, we got up early and went our merry way on Scenic State Route 24 to our last stop in Utah, Moab.

The drive is one of the most spectacular drives of my life. From area to area, the scenes were things that I have never seen before in my life.

We drove by Luna Mesa and the rolling black hills and rocks below the high rising plateaus was very eerie. The name was fitting, Luna. It definitely felt like I was driving through the moon.

As the moon passed, the red rocks of Mars came to, especially when we got to Goblin Valley State Park.

We did a small slot canyon hike at the state park and then we went to play on the goblin like hoodoos. The area definitely had an extraterrestrial feel to it. We were no longer on our little blue Planet. Earth was a distance away and I’m traversing through the foreign Martian landscape. I was a space traveler exploring our solar system. Magic.

Done with the valley, we got back to trekking to our first stop, Dead Horse State Park and Canyonlands.

We pulled off of the main highway onto the road that takes us up to the parks. By the time I read Dead Horse, my tank was nearing on empty. I decided that I’ll go drive into town and then drive back to Canyonlands after we are finished with Dead Horse.

Dead Horse is another small State Park. We were high among the wide valley down below. We grabbed a map and worked out what we were going to do and for some strange reason, it took me a damn long time to grasp how to read the map. But eventually we did and we just hiked along the rim of the plateau, seeing the different views of the valley.

While we were getting ready for the hike, putting on our shoes, filling up with water, lathering up with sunscreen, a little girl pulled up next to me on her mountain bike. Short blonde, kind of cute, and a friendly girl.

We started to talk and apparently she’s from Toronto. I never asked what she was doing in Toronto, but she stopped by her parents in Pennsylvania (the plates of her car), borrowed her car and just drove out there by herself.

After I heard that, she just became a hundred times more attractive to me. There’s just something about a girl who is able to go out and do that by herself that just wows me. That is a very attractive trait indeed. Just hot….Liz was her name.

We bid her adieu and we just hiked the park. Spent a few hours exploring and then we were done after hiking the rim.

We checked into at the Motel 6, filled up the car and next up, Canyonlands.

We got there late in the afternoon, around 4ish and did a few hikes. Mesa Arch was a definite must do and we did the Aztec Buttes.

The hike to the Aztec Buttes was definitely interesting as we had to climb up a sand stone cliff to the top. Unfortunately the Buttes seemed to be destroyed. There was a broken rock structure and another smaller one at the Buttes. Afterwards we did the Upheaval Dome, a meteorite that is slowly eroding away.

Then we drove to the Grand View Point, took a few pictures as the sun was about to set and drove on back.

We showered and then went to dinner. Maybe it was because it was around 9 PM and we didn’t really eat anything all day, but the food at the Middle Eastern restaurant was just fucking awesome. I totally expected something different from my order, but it was still good none the less. After, we were still hungry, so we stopped by McDonald’s for some nuggets and I pretty much crashed afterwards.

Now, a word to the wise, do not ever eat any McDonald’s the night before a big hike. You will be fucking thirsty and there will be nothing that can quench that thirst. NOTHING.

Our first stop the next morning was the petroglyphs at Sego Canyon. That was definitely interesting to see old ancient artwork from Native Americans hundreds of years old. The Barrier Canyon glyphs were definite proof that we had been visited by aliens. We are definitely not alone here in this universe. No way that we are.

We trekked out on foot from the first view point to find the ghost town. We found an abandoned building, but I don’t think that was the ghost town though. Looking at the maps, it seems to be the cemetery even though we didn’t see any gravestone.

Then it was onto Arches. Since the line was so long getting into the park, we decided to just by pass the visitor center and go straight to the Delicate Arch, since I know it was going to be crowded.

Luckily we found some decent parking and we went on our merry way up and up and up the hill to the Arch. After that, everything else was a piece of cake. The Arch was huge, tall, and spectacular. It definitely is one of the big draws to the park. Then we did a hike to Sand Stone Arch and Broken Arch. Finished we drove to the end of the park and did a small hike to two small arches. We didn’t do the whole 7 mile hike, but it’ll definitely be something that must be done the next time.

We just had one more stop left on our trip in Arches and that was the Windows and Double Arch.

We opted to do the easy route at the Windows and then went to Double Arch.

I was just amazed by the sheer size of Double Arch. It was just beautiful and climbing up the cave walls was definitely fun. It was definitely a great last impression of the park.

Then our last stop of the day was Canyonlands, the Needles. Liz, the cute mountain biker, suggested that we try and go to the Needles. She loved it.

It was definitely a long long long long drive to get there and by the time we reached the visitor center, it was closed and I was nearly out of gas. I only had enough to get back into town, so we didn’t get to explore much of the Needles. Studying the park map, it does seem like that it was more of a place for hardcore hikers and adventurers and from my impressions, I preferred it more than the Islands in the Sky and I didn’t even hike it.

Driving into town was a little worrisome even though I knew I had enough to get back to Moab. And like the night before, we got back to the hotel, showered and was out to dinner by 9.

That was all of Utah and the next day would be our last day of the vacation, our Arizona leg.

* * *

Arizona

Early early was when we started out the next day. We left Moab around 7 in the morning and trekked all the way down to Arizona in a few hours. Our first stop, Monument Valley.

It was a great rest stop after a few hours of driving. I took in the views of the iconic Monument Valley, bringing back memories of old western movies I have seen. After a few souvenirs, we were on our way to our next stop, Lower Antelope Canyon and the slot canyon tour.

This was absolutely fucking amazing. The whole experience will definitely be burned into my memories. I was definitely amazed and one of my bucket lists have definitely been fulfilled.

There was a long line when we got there and had to wait about an hour-and-a-half before our tour started. I wanted to go to Horseshoe Bend while we waited, but my bro scared me saying that they’ll close down the road, so we just waited. We waited in the car as the wind picked up and the sand was blowing. We waited in the high heat of Arizona. We waited and waited and then it was time.

Luckily for us, we picked up another hour as we crossed the Arizona border and we got on the tour just at the right time with the sun high above us and shining down through the slots.

The colors were just amazing in the tight twists and turns of the canyon down below. No words can really describe that whole trip. It was a definitely high point of the trip. So impressionable that Hien wasn’t even impressed with the Grand Canyon.

After the tour, we drove the 15 minutes to Horseshoe Bend. Like all the other parks, I’ve seen the pictures but it was just great to see the actual thing live. We are in a draught and that was definitely apparent here. The Colorado River was very very low, but it was still beautiful regardless.

Then it was back on the road to our last stop, the Grand Canyon. We got there late, to the main visitor center in the village at 5pm. We checked out the bookstore, picking up more stickers for Hien and walked along to the main viewpoints.

It was my third time there and I was still in awe and amazement at the beauty of it. Hien was not so much.

The one thing that I couldn’t get over was how much it had changed since the two years I’ve been there last. The village and some of the viewpoints seemed to have changed that it was beyond recognizable.

We decided to get on the shuttle to go to Hermit’s Landing, where I ended up the last time I was there but never really explored. We got on a special bus that took us to the last sunset point and that is where we ended up, just watching the sunset and it was just beautiful.

This was my third time there but funnily enough it was my first time on the shuttle. After the sunset, it was just crowded. The wait was long for the shuttles to come and it was getting late. Hien decided that we should just drive straight home and I was too tired to drive straight. He was going to drive the first leg.

Maybe it was just me and my control thing, but every time that Hien drives, it just annoys me and drives me crazy. I just don’t understand it. I was trying to sleep and he was following closely behind a few cars while on cruise control. Not the safest thing as proven when the car in front of the van we were following was brake checking the van and Hien had the slam on the break.

He was hoping that they would just pass the car in front of them and I was just like, pass them both and that’s what he did.

I drifted in and out, making sure that we were headed to the right direction. We got on the 40 and I just knocked out for some time. I woke up and saw that he was driving 65 on a 75 and I just shook my head and just tried to sleep and not pay attention.

As we head into CA, the limit was down to 65 but he decided to drive 75. No fucking clue at all. I just had to leave it.

I took over just a little before Barstow and since I was in control, I was feeling better. Less annoyed and we made it safely back at 4:30 in the morning.

Our trip was done. 2460 miles later we made it home.

Utah, one of the best road trips of my life. Great hiking and great views and a great bonding experience with my bro, getting a little more insight to his life and seeing how much he’s changed for the better.

Awesome trip and I definitely will do it again….

One day….one day.

not ready

Writing.

Creative writing — not these little rambles I do here from time to time.

It’s getting a little tougher. I thought I had it back, but right now, there is no motivation to get onto my current project.

Maybe it is because I know that I have a little break away from reality coming up soon or maybe I haven’t figure out exactly what happens next and I’m just procrastinating until that time comes when I get that little light bulb above my head and scream for joy.

Maybe I am just tired of it already….not even half finished, not even started.

Maybe.

* * *

This week has been a little long week. It seemed that I was kind of busy throughout, doing little things here and there that just add up to a full day. Even now, today, I still don’t understand what it is that kept me so busy.

Sure there were the usual time of just surfing and sitting and zoning out that I am familiar with, but there were some legit work I had to do, but I just don’t remember what.

Fucking stupid Outlook and printer problems in Chicago. That is one. Still don’t know if I fixed it or not.

* * *

I drifted alone in this little tin can that protects me from the cold burning void that is space. My crew never made it through the atmosphere. I drifted alone in the eerie silence that was only the soft his of recirculated oxygen, but then I heard a voice….

* * *

I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic as of late. Maybe it is the story I’m listening to, The Goldfinch, about a man who remembers the times of his youth after his mother died in a tragic bombing at the MET in NYC.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking of family lately, everyone that had passed away in my life. My dad. My grandma. My uncles and my aunt. Everyone.

Life is just passing me by. Our Jedi Council dwindled in what seemed like a blink of an eye. Blink and blink and soon, there will be no more. My generation are taking on the reins now. We are the new council.

As our family dwindled in numbers, it grows all the same. Everywhere I look, babies everywhere.

Cousins, first and second, are getting married, having children, starting families.

They become the adults and the responsible ones like my parents and my uncles and aunts before me.

And yet, I am here, by myself, living for myself and at times I do wonder, am I just being selfish, living for myself?

Am I ready to be the responsible one?

I think and it haunts me, this thought of needing to be married, of being my parents and being a parents, starting a family — ultimately giving up on my independence.

It’s scary.

I’ve been on my own for too long. I’ve been alone for too long.

I just don’t know how.

Freedom. Independence.

I fought so long, I struggled so long figuring myself out, finally getting more comfortable in my skin, putting myself first above all and living my life the way that I want to live, on my own terms.

I fought so long to get comfortable and to fulfill all my wanderlust dreams, which I am doing. I am exploring. I am seeing. I am experiencing.

I am living my own life.

I am just not ready to give that up yet.

I am just not ready for it.

* * *

It’s kind of funny when I think of how I grew up, my two sides fighting and always in conflict. My Chinese side always putting family and the others first — the collectivism pulling me to think of others first. Then there is the side I was taught in school and through all things America — the individualism pulling me to think for myself, of myself, and be selfish.

It had been a long struggle growing up, trying to find a way to identify and find myself. It wasn’t until a few years ago, 2006, I believe that things got better. I started to be more accepting of my Chinese side. I realize that yes, I am Chinese. I was going back to my roots, listening to more Chinese music, speaking more in my native tongue.

It felt right. It felt comfortable. It felt like I was truly me for once in my life, and I thought that conflict was over.

But looking at how things are now, it seems that it just took on a different turn. There’s still that conflict of wanting to start a family, because it is the traditional thing to do and because it’ll make my mom happy and then there is the side where I just love how I am living my life. I love living on my own with no one but my furkids. I love to just pick up and go, traveling alone, doing whatever it is without needing to call in and confer and compromise.

I love this independence. I love this freedom.

The conflict I grew up with is still alive and well. Family vs. Me.

In a way it kind of pulls at me equally, but then I just think I’m stubborn enough to just focus on me.

For the most part, my life right now, works. It works for me, because it is my own doing.

And maybe this conflict is preventing me from moving to Chicago.

I’m considering it, but there’s always that thought of leaving family here, or being the easy transport for my mom whenever she wants to visit relatives down here that is kind of making me reconsider this move.

If I do move, it’ll just be for myself. If I do stay, it’ll be for family.

And I don’t know what to do.

Sure there are fears and inconveniences, like having to relocate and having to find a new job and seeing if I would be able to survive living in the city fiscally and physically. They are real fears and concerns.

But when have I ever let those fears get in my way. I do love the idea of security. I know my mo when it comes to making decisions, especially big ones and that is I need to have a sense of security before I make anything that big.

But there’s always a part of me that will always believe that things will always work out. I’ll figure out a way. I usually do.

Where’s that strange sense of optimism go? Is it still there?

Things to consider. There’s just a lot to consider.

How would my pets deal, especially with the cold? Can I even make it there with the cold?

Would my mom even come and visit? What would she even do there?

I can imagine her now, walking the city and getting tired. She’ll give me the stink-eye, why do you want to live here? Move home!

What to do?

What to do, indeed.

* * *

A few days ago, I started to read Mockingjay again. It’s to get ready for the film adaption that is about come out. While on Goodreads, I reread my review of the book at that time, and I thought it was a good review. It was well written.

There are sometimes when I do go back and reread some of my old stuff and think that some of it is actually good. Maybe I’m just bullshitting myself, but I do think it is good.

There was a moment when I was reading the Mockingjay review and I didn’t believe that I wrote this review. I actually thought I was reading someone else’s review. I was pleasantly surprised.

* * *

I’m such a dreamer. I’m always dreaming.

I’ll always be dreaming.

Sometimes dreaming just gets in the way when I realize that my dreams may not come true. I just get disheartened.

But I’m still young.

Think positively.

Apparently, it’s The Secret.

herbs 306

Easy.

“Why was it so easy” she asked?

I don’t know. I really don’t know why I was just so comfortable with the chit chat at Snickers or even with the MB Grandma on the plane. I have no idea.

Maybe it was just a matter of expectations, maybe it is something else.

I didn’t expect much when I went to get a drink at Snickers. Just thought that I would a drink and then leave. No expectations.

With the MB Grandma was a little different. I knew her from work. We’ve already chatted during the day, me helping her out setting up her laptop. It was already done and done.

So, I guess there wasn’t much pressure at all. Not much at all.

It was just a normal chit chat I had with anyone that I know. The little small get to know each other’s that I’m comfortable with only after the fact of knowing you.

Dates are much different. Lots of pressure. Can’t do much.

Blah.

* * *

The Honking Jeep of Waving Arms.

It had been a long week at work and I’m coming up to the accident prone busy street, National Blvd. Pickles took his sweet ass time like he always does and I just wanted to get this damn walk over and done with. I’m tired and just wanted to get home so I can just rest. It’d be down a little ways and I’d be home. I’m plugged into my phone singing along to some sad pop song that was popular with the mass and not thinking of anything. I just minded my own business.

A blaring horn blew its way through some sad heartbreak into my ears and then out of the corner of my eyes I saw arms. Flailing arms. Waving arms. These arms belonged to these two young girls driving a black jeep.

The first thought in my head as I waved back with a genuine smile, as I learned how not to fake smile a few years ago, was who the fuck are these girls? Who do I know that drives a black jeep? Who do I know that was blonde and was a friend with a brunette?

I came up with no answers. I thought the driver looked familiar, but my eyes have failed me almost every time. I don’t trust them anymore. So I did what I most always do and just continued to smile and walk, ending my waves after an indeterminate amount of waving and acknowledging them and thinking how weird this whole situation was.

I encompassed social awkwardness to a T.

I kept walking away and then I asked Pickles if he knew who those girls were and of course he was too busy with all the smells to care. Useless dog.

So I walked on, wondering and wondering and coming up with no answers. Soon they became an afterthought as my home beckoned to lay my head down and dream.

@ @ @

That was a few days ago and I those girls were still on my mind. Who were they? Did it actually happen or was I so delirious from my work trip that I dreamed it all.

No one emailed or texted me saying that they saw me and why I was such an ass to them and just walked away. No one reached out.

Were they strangers? I’m not the type of guy that a Jeep full of girls would just randomly wave at, unless it was a hazing ritual. It could possibly be. Damn college girls these days.

Someone from work? Maybe. Who knows?

There was only one nagging thought…what if?

What if it was the girl from Chicago? What if it was the girl that I sat next to on my flight back from Chicago just a few days before? What if?

It could be, but that would just be a weird coincidence. She didn’t even live around my neck of the woods. What would she be doing there? It just wouldn’t make sense.

But it could be? A blonde and a brunette? Her roommate was blonde. It could be?

If it was, what did it all mean?

Was it a sign? Did I even believe in signs?

It’s all too much. What if?

What did the big U that was the Universe trying to say? Why was the big U fucking with me?

Why?

I just had to chill out. Time would give me answers. Time would tell.

I just had to be patient, but I had never been known to be a man of patience.

Damn you Universe. Just damn you for always fucking with me.

* * *

True story.

I don’t know who it could possibly be and no, it wasn’t just a case of mistaken identity or one of those traps where they were waving to someone else. I’d checked. No one was behind me.

Maybe they were waving to Pickles. Maybe.

I’m sure it was MB Grandma and her roommate who just happens to be driving around my neighborhood, making their way to the 10 or something. It was just a coinkidink. It happens.

I’m sure.

* * *

My shrink really do think I should consider moving to my beloved.

It has been on my mind, especially being there and actually feeling like I just fit in. I don’t know.

It’s really a lot to consider. What would I be giving up?

There would be a lot that I’m giving up. What would I gain?

A better chance at happiness? I am happy now, but could I be even more, living in a city that I love so much?

I won’t be technically starting fresh, making new friends and such. I have friends there. I have coworkers there.

It is really a lot to consider.

I guess I’ll just need to think about it more.

* * *

I want to write. I have this great urge to just write more. Not scripts. Not blogs. Words. Short stories. A novella. A novel. Prose.

There’s just this urge to do it.

I need to get on it.

Maybe I should just give myself some time, a little incentive. I should just finish my current script and finish this novella idea that I have and then consider moving to Chicago.

Maybe.

Time will tell what happens.

A lot to consider. A lot to think about.

numbers and drink

I’m going to swing from the chandelier.

It’s been a long three weeks. It’s been a long time away. It’s been a long time from just me.

Travels kept me busy. Travels kept me away.

For the most part, it was good.

My uncle was laid to rest. Hope that his family can start to heal now.

The service was what I expected it to be. It went faster than I thought it would. The Sifu’s weren’t as good as the ones that I’ve experienced up North, but if they think they did a good job and my uncle is good to go, then in the end, that is all that matters.

Portland fun. Portland move.

That was the smoothest move that I have ever experienced. There wasn’t much of any trouble at all. Everything that came up, was taken care of almost immediately. It was simple simple, thankfully.

Got to hang out with family and bonded more with baby Carson. That’s a good thing in my book. There were some mishaps, but that is to be expected.

But overall, Portland was good. Family is doing well and that is all that matters right now.

Chicago.

My beloved. My love.

Work wise, there were some major major annoyances and most of them if not all originated from Regus. They didn’t get their shit up and ready when I gave them ample time to get it set up.

I didn’t expect to be as busy as I was. Two full days of working straight, without lunch. I was very surprised that it took me so long do everything that I needed to do. I actually do wonder how much had to do with the network not working since I jumped onto the wifi to set everyone up on the first day. Would there being network made a difference?

I’m not sure, but yes, very annoyed with Regus in Chicago.

* * *

Firsts.

It seems to me that there was a few firsts that happened while I was in Chicago. Maybe I was just relaxed and wasn’t expecting much of anything at all, but I don’t know, but I did have fun just going out.

After I flew in on Saturday night, I went to dinner at RPM Italian. It had high ratings and it was just across the street. Do it. Did it. It took me a while to find a spot at the bar for food because it was so crowded on a Saturday night, but eventually I did.

I got some wine and a pizetta and the spicy crab squid ink pasta.

The pizetta was good. Good crunch. Good mushrooms. Good truffle flavor. It was definitely a good choice.

I was a little underwhelmed by the pasta though. I guess I expected more squid ink flavor or something, but nothing really stood out. The flavor was a little one note. Disappointed.

So, after a long week in Portland, I decided to go to Snickers, the local dive bar next to my hotel to have a drink.

I wasn’t expecting to be there long. Just a drink or two and then go back to the hotel and sleep. But I ended up staying until 1:30 in the morning and had about 5 whiskeys.

I just had a great time there. And I don’t know what it was about there that just put me at ease. Maybe it is the city, or maybe therapy has been working or that I’m feeling more myself than ever.

I don’t know, but I met a dude there and were just chatting and bullshitting and admiring the girls at the bar. I just had a good time.

It was just funny seeing him try so hard with the bartender. I just sat and watched.

Also, sitting at the bar, it just seemed that I sat just at the right place as girls would squeeze next to me to get a drink. I ended up chatting with a nice girl from Milwaukee who knew how to spell my name. Molly. She was there to celebrate her friends’ birthday and not Lollapalooza.

Drink after drink. Relaxed and just not thinking much of anything. No pretension. Nothing. Just me out having a good time at a dive bar. I should go to dive bars more often.

On my last day at work, I met an old employee that came back to work. I never met her before, but I believe that I troubleshot things for her before. It just so happens that this Manhattan Beach Grandma was heading home the same day as I am and it just so happens that we would be on the same flight.

Now usually on the plane, I just want to plug into my iPod or phone and just try to sleep. There’s no talking. There’s no socializing. Nothing. But as I got on the plane, and headed back trying to find an aisle seat, there she was. Her roommate ditched her for a window a few rows up and I sat next to the MB Grandma for the flight. We chatted, me getting to know her, for most of the flight.

It was just a weird and funny happenstance. It was a good happenstance.

Definitely a first for me.

It just so happens that she’s pretty cute too, but she’s really really young.

But I had fun. It definitely made the flight go faster and more enjoyable.

There was a bit of turbulence on the flight and I didn’t mind. There was something magically watching a thunderstorm happen off in the distance below us. Flashes of gold and white shimmering in the dark. It was magical. Definitely a flight to remember.

* * *

Ice cream.

Salt & Straw

It’s good. It’s really good, especially for an adventurous eater like me, who like to try different flavors and different flavor profiles in mundane food. Food with a twist.

I had it three times while I on Portland. I usually don’t have a sweet tooth, but damn, it was good and interesting. I maybe a sugar addict after all.

The good food in Portland was good. Pok Pok was great, but a little pricey in my opinion and Andina was good, but not probably overhyped by everyone. Good none the less.

I love food.

* * *

Even though I thought RPM Italian was a little disappointing, I did have some good food in Chicago.

Can’t go wrong with the lobster roll at Shaw’s and then the grilled lobster with squid ink linguine. Now that was fucking awesome.

Had some spicy Thai with the Subs.

* * *

The Subs.

It’s always good when I see old friends and hanging out with the Subs is no different. This time, younger Sub came along too and it was nice to finally hang out with her. I only met her briefly a few years back when they all came to visit.

But it was good, just catching up and listening to old Subs‘s issues. Seems like she’s going through trying times, a mid-life crisis also. Hopefully she’ll figure it out and just not put so much pressure on herself.

She just needs to stop over thinking everything and just have a little more self-esteem and confidence.

She just needs to do it. And listen to her little sis, ’cause she seems to know what she’s talking about.

But it was nice and to hang out with younger Subs, definitely a plus.

* * *

There’s just something about that city that just have this power over me.

I fall in love with it the more I visit. It feels like home in a way. It feels like I belong.

Walking to the office on the 2nd day, it just felt right. It felt like I’ve been doing that every day. It felt like this was how things should be. It felt like that it was my life.

Should I move? I’ve always and will always contemplate it.

Maybe it is the change that I need. Maybe it is what everything is building up to. Maybe is just possibilities to consider until choices are made.

But definitely, we shall see how I feel.

Actually I was asked a few times as to when I’ll be moving there.

Possibilities.

* * *

…leaving bloodstains in the snow

It’s done. It’s over.

No more pain. No more suffering.

The only suffering left is for those who are close to him. His wife and children and grandchild.

He’s gone and there wasn’t much anyone can do.

He’s gone.

I hope that he passed with his loved ones. I hope that he was comfortable.

He was loved.

* * *

I haven’t heard of specific dates but there are rumors of it happening when I’m away at business. I wouldn’t be able to make it, as much as I know that I should and want to. I just can’t.

* * *

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCponfeWNOI&quot;Wish I Was There

Lost and trying to figure things out.

I watched the movie last night. It was a backers exclusive from Kickstarter.

It wasn’t good. I can honestly say that. It had potential but things just didn’t come together as I wanted them to. It just didn’t work. It wasn’t horrible.

Overall, it was just okay.

There were some touching moments and touching scenes, but I just…don’t know. It just didn’t work.

Was I disappointed that I backed the movie, no. I’m not, like I wasn’t disappointed or regretful in backing Veronica Mars either.

I can understand why Braff went the Kickstarter route. It was definitely a passion project for him.

I wish him the best on this project.

* * *

The movie hits a little close to home with me, and given what just happened with my uncle and his family, it was definitely a touchy area.

I cried. Tears fell.

Movies with characters with daddy issues, especially dying fathers, affect me that way.

I’m sure if my cousins watched this movie, they’ll feel the same, since Braff’s character had to watch his father die from cancer.

Too close.

Too much.

I can understand where Braff is coming from, in terms of his mindset, in terms of why he’s making his movie.

He made Garden State as his therapy for the dreaded Quarter-Life-Crisis, and this is for what one goes through when he’s in his thirties.

I can see what he’s doing, for in a way, I am going through what he’s going through.

This movie in a way is about losing that boyhood dream, knowing exactly what you want to do, but tweaking it just a little bit. Just grow up and be responsible.

Just be responsible.

Man up.

It just takes him losing his father and being a father himself, never wanting to be the type of father that his own was, that he realizes that all his father wanted for him to do was to be the best he can be. Be responsible. Be a man.

He was proud, in the end, on his deathbed, confessing words that he could have never said on his good days.

It’s funny how that is the case in real life. It isn’t until the end we put away our pride and in our humility we realize what is important.

Family.

Posterity.

Love.

That’s all that is important.

We look out for family.

Who else is there to love us, if not for family?

* * *

Proud.

His father was proud. He heard his deathbed confession. He was really proud of both of his sons.

One of the many things that I struggle with on most days is whether or not my father was proud.

I don’t know.

I never heard him say it. He just didn’t know that he didn’t have much time left.

He left me, us, too soon.

I miss him.

And I will never know.

All I can do is believe that he did. He was proud of me.

I have to believe that I heard it in his voice as he called me weekly. I have to believe that I saw it in his face as he said goodbye to me on the last day I saw him alive.

I just have to believe.

Most days I struggle with it.

I struggle to believe.

But that is a fault of my wiring. It’s a fatal flaw of my brain. It’s one of my hamartia.

I just can’t believe it until I experience it. My analytical mind is based too much of science and experience. Hypotheticals are just untested hypotheses that needs to be tested and tested until it can become a theory.

Unfortunately, with this life of mine, with this luck that I was given, with a father who had passed way too soon, this hypothetical hypothesis of my soul would never be tested.

There is no test.

I guess ultimately in the end, I have a crisis of faith.

It’s not a spiritual crisis of finding God or an all knowing being.

No, it’s just a faith of believing that my dear father was proud of me. That he loved me.

The only thing I can do is work on my faith and believe in it.

I have help. I just need to do the work.

Faith.

Believe.

He was proud of me.

Believe in that.

* * *

Ultimately in the end of the film, with the loss of his father, knowing that he was proud of him, a catharsis came over him and an opportunity to do what he’s passionate about and be paid to do it. It falls on his lap.

Sometimes life just happens that way. After you hit your lowest, you see clearer and things just fall for you.

He becomes the responsible family man, the father that he was meant to be. He becomes a breadwinner, providing for his family, and a father who teaches his kids important skills.

Is that what we ultimately end up doing? Doing a job and being a part of something that is bound by blood? Is that the ultimate ultimate that is life?

In a way, it is what I want.

Family.

Children of my own.

But other than that, what else is it that I want? What is my passion and am I doing whatever I can to pursue it?

I don’t know.

* * *

What do I want?

I know for sure that I am not lost. I’ve written how this Mid-Life-Crisis of mine doesn’t feel anything like the Quarter-Life-Crisis that I gone through in my early twenties.

But in a way, it is ultimately about what I want. What it is that I want out of life? What I want to do and ultimately what kind of man that I want to become?

Let’s get all of the obvious that I want out of the way.

I do love my life as how it is right now, how it stands right now.

Many people might not see that, but I do.

I love my freedom. I’m not lonely, or do I ever get lonely, ’cause for the most part, I am hardly ever alone.

But what do I want?

I want a family. I want kids.

I would love to have kids of my own. I would love to have the opportunity to have the challenge that is being a father.

I would love that.

I would love to fall in love. Who doesn’t right?

But I know for sure I am not willing to compromise my independence, my freedom, and my life right now for someone who I don’t feel a connection for.

I know for sure that if I don’t end up with someone like that and be alone till my last breath, I know that I would definitely be okay with it.

I want to create.

I want to create. Whether it is music (which I have no experience in), films, writing, photography, joy, food; no matter what it is, I want to create.

I don’t care if I’m successful in the traditional sense of that word, as long as I keep doing it, I think I’ll be happy. I don’t need to make money from it. None at all. As long as I do it, I think that matters more to me than anything else.

I want to write.

I want to write more than screenplays. I want to write more than these words into this empty void. I want to write a novel. I want to write a novella. I want to write short stories.

Prose.

I want to write prose.

I want to tell stories with my words and my thoughts.

I want to make people cry and feel pain with my words. I want to make people laugh and shed tears of joy with my thoughts.

Stories.

It’ll be a slow process as I work on it. A very slow process of consuming words from other people and type words of my own.

Will I have the patience and stamina for it?

I don’t know.

All I do know is that I want it. I’m passionate about it.

It’s my drug of choice and I would love to have my words be another’s heroin and feed their addiction.

Words.

They are powerful, if you allow them to be.

* * *

Life is about collecting stories.

Stories from your experience and stories from others.

Make them yours and tell them to the world.

Share the wealth of experiences so it can help others who are going through dark pains that you’ve gone through and survived.

Give them hope. Be the faith that they need to carry them through that tunnel to that glimmer of hope that we all need to just survive and live again.

We all have joys.

We all have pains.

Miseries and adventures.

Be charitable and share them.

Who knows, maybe you’ll save someone’s life in the end.

Isn’t that worth it?

Be someone’s hero.

Tell Me If You Wanna Go Home

Thoughts.

A lot have been in my thoughts as of late.

I originally planned on working on something creative today, going back to my current script but I just can’t focus. There’s just too much on my mind.

Family. Family is on my mind.

I got news yesterday that my uncle isn’t doing so well. He’s dying of lung cancer. He doesn’t have long left in this world; about a month to three months left and the shit thing is that we just found out yesterday.

He’s been battling it with some success for the past year and a half to two years, and we just found out about it now.

Family. Family is on my mind.

Communication.

That’s one thing that my family could be better at. I guess that is one thing that most people can be better at. Just better communicators.

* * *

I guess I can understand why the secrecy, the privacy in this nature. It’s a big thing. I understand.

It’s your problem and you don’t want other people to worry about it. It’s my family’s way I guess. I don’t know. I just…there’s just…

Yeah. It is what it is.

But we now know.

And what can we do? Nothing.

Heavy hearts.

Family.

* * *

I’m sure I wrote about this somewhere in these vest words that I’ve written over the years, but I’m tired. I’m tired of seeing so many of my loved ones just go.

My father’s generation is slowly dwindling away. One by one, every few years, poof and they’re gone.

That is a part of life, nature working how it is supposed to, but I just thought that we would have a lot more time with many of them. Besides my grandparents, they were all so young. None of them reaching the age when my grandparents went.

Dwindling.

Loss.

Life.

* * *

I still have to call my mom later to let her know.

Of course she’s worried about my health and to my knowledge, I am fine.

I am healthy. I could be healthier. Fuck, everyone can be healthier.

* * *

So distracted today.

Thoughts are definitely elsewhere.

* * *

Things are just heavy today. Thoughts are just weighing me down. Life, nature, they’re getting in the way.

* * *

I’m off here in this void, exiled away from the rest of the world. Information just trickles down to me. No one tells me much of anything.

I’m sure that there is so much more in my family’s life that I don’t know about.

But to be fair, it’s not like I tell them everything either.

My life just goes on, day in, day out. Nothing much to report.

My day to day is the same as any other day.

I guess I just have no news.

No news is good news, I guess.

* * *

Exile.

I guess that was something I chose.

I moved down here with idealistic dreams, romantic notions. I was so young, so naive and such a dreamer.

Am I still?

I’m making an effort to keep in touch, to maintain some relationships and sometimes to make new ones, especially when it involves family.

Tis is life. My life.

This is how my world revolves and rotates.

All boiled down to my decisions.

We wrack ourselves up with our own guilt and our own voices and conscience, reliving our choices, hoping that we made the right one in most everything we do.

We are responsible for ourselves and no one, no deity, demigod, or otherworld spiritual presence is responsible.

Everything lies with us.

I make an effort with the ones I care for.

There is no guilt or regret there.

I try.

* * *