I’m home. Sitting here in my usual writing spot in the beautiful state of Washington, I’m home.

I read through my blogs this morning, to reflect on the year that was. I read through my big blogs, my yearly blogs of growth; the blogs near my birthday and the year end diatribes to see what insights I had during that time in my life and see if anything has changed since then.

It just amazes me that another year just went by in a flash, a blink of an eye, and again my experiences have become my memories. It is placed alongside the memorable and the unforgettable. The pluses and minuses of having an elephant’s memory. You never forget.

So, Christmas time at home; the end of the year; I have to do my yearly Bah Humbug and try to jump into this thing I call my yearly reflections.

2007. Wow. What can I say? This has been the year of my biggest change. I actually do have to admit that this year really came up on me and surprised me the most. My life changed so much this year in such little, subtle ways, that it just baffles my mind how it can happen without me knowing.

Where do I start?

Writing.

The writing that I’ve done this year has been exceptional. It all started with me finishing with the SUM of love. Again, as I’ve written in my birthday blog, it is the best thing that I’ve written. It took me three fucking years to finish the mother fucker, but it is finished and it is really good. I was able to mix the subtle humor and the drama almost perfectly to make it work, to make it flow, to make it stand out. The situations that I put my characters in seem real and not forced. It is just a very natural script and it strongly demonstrates how I’ve grown and matured as a writer. I’m able to take my time and perfect the situations and focus more on the characters and let them grow as a person and be able to dictate the direction of the script.

Not too long ago, I went to a little “talk” with UCLA’s Director of the Screenwriting program, Richard Walters, and he read the script. He said that it was a really really good script of drama. I was able to blend themes and topics that the masters themselves do. Now, he didn’t say it is perfect, as I know it isn’t perfect, far from it, but it is really good. I’m proud of myself. Really proud.

Magically through some x factors and a stranger’s good grace, it is in the hands of a producer at a small production company. The last I learned, she was 20 pages into it. I’m not hoping for a miracle, just that it is read and I’m looking for notes. I’m trying my fucking damnedest not to be excited about it. If she likes it and wants to produce it, great. If she doesn’t, c’est la vie. That’s what I say.

Now, again the SUM of love took me about three fucking years to write. A month later, I started my last/current script, tentatively titled A Ghost Story of Some Kind, and I am finished. I just finished shortly after Thanksgiving. This is the fastest script that I finished in a while. It took me about six months I would say. Not bad at all. This is also the shortest script. Maybe because it is so rushed and so short, it needs a page one rewrite. It’s bad with tons of potential. The writing group has it now and I’m just waiting till the end of the meeting before I reread it with fresh eyes.

This past year has been a very very productive year for me. It really has. I know I still waste a lot of time, but I manage to make something with the time that I don’t waste. For that, I’m happy.

The strict schedule that I have in writing, plus the betting schedule I have with Scott, helps tremendously. I have a set deadline of eight pages every two weeks or it is $10. I’m not going to lose to him (knock on wood). I’m not.

Finding a new place to write is good also. Volcano Tea, my favorite boba shop. Not because I like boba, I really don’t, but because it is a good place to write. I go in, sit there for about two hours with my 1s and 0s and just plunge into my fantasy world that I think of at that time. Sure it has its own distractions…the loud noise, the customers, the boba girls and the boba girls.

But it is a good place to write. It is a good place to clear my head.

I think I have been going there weekly since the end of last year or earlier this year. My dear readers, as you can tell by the limited numbers of entries I had this year, you can tell that I’ve been busy working on something else then my regular diatribes and jibjab nonsense of whatever that flows in my head. I’ve actually been working.

Life.

Life is fucking good. Life has never been better, and I don’t know who or what I have to thank for that. Life just changed so subtly that I didn’t know that it changed.

Again, there’s this confidence in me that just came out of nowhere. It was never there before, but it magically appeared like Lucky Charms and it is “magically delicious’. I know my years down in Los Angeles and steady personal growth and change that happened since I moved down here, especially of the past 3 or 4 years after my father’s passing, helped tremendously.

Again, I’m so comfortable in my skin. I know who I am and I know myself inside and out for the most part. My flaws. My strengths. Everything; and I’m able to live with them without any problems.

The smartass, dick, nice guy, asshole that is me. I am okay with that. I am okay with being the dick when I’m frustrated and pissed off. I am opinionated and think in a different way than most of my friends. I’m okay with that. I know where I fit in and where I don’t. I’m okay with that. Tis is life. I am me, and here I am.

I don’t know, I guess having a great group of genuine/real friends help tremendously. They allow me to be who I am, and they understand who I am for the most part. They don’t want me to change or try to change me. They just accept me for who I am and that is all that really matters to me.

With that, I don’t know, I guess I just got more and more confident about myself. There’s no insecurities of being lost and trying to find my way as I did years and years before. That was a really really tough time for me and I surely surely do not want to experience that again. Knock on wood. Hopefully I’ll never be there.

Maybe the whole confidence thing goes hand-in-hand with another thing that I noticed about me this year, my sense of optimism. Again, I don’t know where this came from, but it freaks me out. I’ve never been so optimistic in my life. Most people see me as the pessimist, me, I think of myself as a realist. I never thought that this optimism will come. Again, it probably goes hand-in-hand with the whole confidence thing like peanut butter and jelly. To be confident about oneself and one’s future and having faith that everything will turn out all right even when times are tough. But I know in the end, the realist will take over and see that no matter what happens, it was meant to happen, good or bad, especially the bad. Life is life, and life is shit. C’est la vie.

It’s just nice to know that my life is finally slowing down and I’m able to relax and breathe and be comfortable in this pace of life that I’m living. I’m able to just do whatever it is that I want, go anywhere I want, and hang with anyone I want, when I want. If they are doing something I don’t want to do, I don’t go. Plain and simple and they are cool with that, because they know I can be picky on what it is that I do with my time.

I’m just at a point where my life is comfortable. I’m fixed. I’m fixed. I’m fixed. My anger has subsided. What little issues I have left are things that I will slowly chip away at, at my own leisure. I have faith that eventually, I will be totally fixed and there’s nothing left for me to change.

I guess it all goes back to personal change and my realization that I’m not perfect. There are a lot of things that I want in my life and to get them, I have to slowly change. Again, I need to make this change on my own and not change for someone. I need to change for myself. If you change for someone, how is that a change? It is only a compromise for that person, and what if you aren’t with that person anymore? Will you revert back to the old you?

Also, why would someone want you to change? If they like you, they should like you for who you are? They shouldn’t be thinking that, hey, this person is a little fucked up, but he has great potential. He’ll be my new project. It doesn’t work that way. A great movie that demonstrates this is Neil Labute’s The Shape of Things. For those who haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.

Most of this change in me started, I don’t know when, but it became more and more prominent towards the middle of the year. Why? Why indeed.

Maybe it is because of Sheilah. I told myself and my friends that after her, I’ll give myself a year. I’ll take a break from things in a year. I wasn’t ready to jump back into the game; not like I have any game, but I wasn’t ready to just go find another relationship, whether serious, or casual (which I can never do anyway). I told myself that I give myself a year.

After then, if I find someone that I like, I will hopefully make an effort to ask her out or court her in my own little pathetic little way. I suck, I know. At least I know I suck.

So, come July, it was on.

I don’t think I’ve written about this, but for some odd reason, I had a feeling that I was going to find someone by the end of the year. It is near the end of the year and have I found someone? I don’t know. Maybe? I’m the type of person that over think things, and I am most definitely over thinking this right now, but I’m just going to let things be and hope for the best. It’s the only thing I can do. I’ll just have to open my eyes and just see and experience.

Any who, I’m jumping into tangents left and right, telling a story like Dalia tells it, but eventually I’ll get to the point. Just bear with me readers, bear with me.

Any who, I guess one thing that prompted this little change in myself at the middle of the year, besides the whole Sheilah thing, is a health issue.

I blogged about my chest pains. I don’t think I wrote a follow-up about it, but my cholesterol was a little high when I went to the doctors in June. Again, there were some dull heart pains that came and went for a few months. Knowing my family’s history of heart disease and my father passing away from a heart attack at 44, I got a little worried. My coworkers tell me to go see the doctor, demanded that I go see the doctor, and I did. My cholesterol was high. 200.

He recommended a regiment of exercise and eating healthier. So, that was June, and I decided that I was going to start exercising and eating more healthy to begin with come July, but this gives me a greater incentive. So I consciously made that change for myself. I changed my diet and am hoping that I can go back to the healthy diet now, ran every day, and started to lift. Blah blah blah blah, and it came down. I’m not sure where it is, but I think it is okay. I just need to exercise more.

Any who, but ever since I started to make that conscious effort to change, things started to happen. That confidence thing that I told you about earlier and also a few coworkers commented about how good I look. I don’t get that many compliments about my looks, because they are so whatever and I know they are so whatever. There are sometimes that I think secretly to myself that I’m hot, but I know better. Even now, when some coworkers, especially the Austrian, say I’m good looking, I laugh at the ridiculousness of that comment. I’m flattered, but c’mon man. It’s me.

Any who, it was a great confidence builder, and eventually as the months go by, I noticed certain things. Strangers will call me cute, or I would lock eyes with strangers and they would smile the smile. I have to say, it’s a good feeling to be noticed. A really good feeling to be noticed.

So, this conscious change is a good change. And I never looked back. It felt so natural, like it was a natural change in my life. Something that happened for no rhyme or reason but that it was just a part of life.

Maybe because I’m 28, going on to 29. I’m 28 years 8 months old. It is about that time that astrologers call the return of Saturn.

I’m at that point in my life where things are just perfect; I’m ready to just settle down and face my 30s. I’m no longer lost in my quarter life and things are just falling into place. I’m at a point where I’m ready to settle down in my life. I’m at a point where I’m ready to step up and live the life that I’ve taken so long to grow to be comfortable with it. It is going to be fucking nice to be able to just live a life without any insecurities.

And to help me take the step into the right direction, I started to date again. I went out into the field and braved the daunting women.

It was in July that I went speed dating with my cousin Yen. It was an experience that I will never forget. I believe I met about 45 girls that time for about 2 minutes each. Some girls were tough to talk to because it was just tough. They didn’t want to talk, or we just couldn’t find a connection. I felt good. Confident. Everything seemed to be working well. I didn’t try to force things and just went with it.

I got a few matches and emailed them and I went out with one. The funny thing about the whole thing was that I don’t even remember how any of my matches look like. It was just bad. Even when I went out on a date with one of the dates, I didn’t even recognize her until we locked eyes and gave me the nod of recognition at our designated place of meeting up. The date went fine, we chatted and it wasn’t awkward at all. It just felt more like hanging out with a friend. I really wasn’t attracted to her at all, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I marked her as a match. Later it turned out she was crazy. I sure know how to pick ’em. Fucking crazy lady.

Then later I decided to do eharmony again. I don’t know what prompted me to do it, maybe it was the discount that they gave me, but I did it for three months. I would get these matches and start emailing, but I only met up with one. It seems that they keep on sending me matches of Asian girls, who want to be teachers or are teachers. Just weird.

Looking back, it just seems funny that for the longest time, I was never attracted to Asian girls. But now, I have the fever. Maybe it was just because I grew up with a bunch of white people and that I didn’t find that many cute Asian girls up in Washington and ever since I’ve moved down, I’m seeing more and more attractive ones. Or maybe Sheilah had something to do with it, or maybe I’m just getting desperate, but I’m so into them now.

One night, I saw a picture of a new match and thought she was all right, kind of cute. So I contacted her and we were onto communicating outside the service already and I looked at her picture again. Ugh. Not so pretty. I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I always give them at least one meeting because some people just aren’t photogenic. So I went out and it was what I expected. I wasn’t attracted to her, but the date was great. We went to dinner and the conversation was great, everything was working out, but one thing was missing. Chemistry. I didn’t feel any chemistry with her. It felt more like hanging out with a friend than anything else. I didn’t get that feeling of wanting to call her right after the date just to be able to talk to her again. All I felt was that I needed to get home and be with my dog.

I gave her a second chance to see if it was just the first date jitters, so we went out again. I met her coworkers and we all got along great. But again, something was just missing. It just wasn’t there. I knew for sure when it was over, done with. It was when I knew I didn’t want to touch her. I’m typically a very touchy feely person. I’ll put my hand on the small of your back, or walk close to you so my arm would just softly glide across your arms. But, there was just nothing there. One time she would hook my arm to slow me down because I was walking too fast. Normally I wouldn’t mind at all. Though I didn’t say it, all I thought of at that time was that she can let go anytime. She can let go any fucking time.

So, eventually I started to not reply to her emails or take my time in replying. I would never email her first and eventually she got the hint. I feel bad for not coming out and tell her, but I just couldn’t do it. It’s funny, a few weeks ago, I went out to play basketball with a friend of mine and I saw her at the park. She was going to play soccer and she was practicing near the parking lot, which is near the basketball court. I couldn’t make her out for sure, but I’m almost positive that it was her. I tried my best to hide myself behind the basketball. I suck, I know.

Other than her, I really didn’t meet up with anyone else. I would email and IM another girl in particular and we have maintained that “pen pal”, friends in the empty void, relationship and will chat from time to time, but we never met up. We spoke on the phone just once and that was it. Will we ever meet up? I don’t know. She’s always busy. I asked her out once and she just ignored the question and I just left it at that. And now, I’m her slave.

I don’t know how it’ll be with her if we do go out. I’m sure I’ll just be my smart ass self because I’m not going to try and impress her. There’s no reason for me to try and impress her, so things might go well. The pressure is off, if you will. I don’t know, but again, I don’t think we’ll ever meet up, not even to date, but just get dinner or something. Darn.

Oh, and if you are reading this, HI!

But that pretty much brings me to the end of my dating experience, or my 2nd attempt on eharmony. I’m also chatting with this other girl on there, but I don’t think it’ll ever work out. She lives too far away.

But all in all, my eharmony subscription is over. Things just never work out with me and eharmony and it is always things that happen outside of it works.

So, the girl that I’m supposed to find by the end of the year. I may have found her. She’s the boba girl. It took me a damn long time, but it finally happened. It had its missteps, but I think things will work out in the end. See, there’s that fucking optimism again.

But all in all, life is good. Life has never been better.

I know I posted this in an earlier post about my family history and how I bonded with my mom, but this year has just been a fucking great year where I’ve grown up even more and became a better person. I was able to bond with my mom like I never had. I’m comfortable with my life and where I am in my life that I might even considering moving up to Seattle again. Sure there are some reasons that are out of my hands that prompted me to move up there, but if I do end up moving up there, I really don’t have a problem with it.

The only thing that I’m worried about is the weather and the lack of sun. I believe I’m the type of person that needs the sun to help with my moods. I think, ’cause it’s been a while since I’ve been in a gloomy place. Maybe I’m just so fixed that it doesn’t affect me anymore. I don’t know.

All I know is when or if I move back, I’ll be living alone with my dog. That’s all I want. My mom can’t stay with me…not yet. I’m just not ready for that.

So there it is. 2007 is the year that came out of nowhere and surprised me. It will forever always be a year that I will never forget. It is one of those years that changes your life and the direction that it was heading all for the good.

I’m not sure what 2008 is going to bring me. I already know that it is going to bring even more changes and tough decisions. Decisions of moving back, finding a job, making new friends, motivation to write, a serious relationship, maybe. 2008 is going to be the year where I’ll be an adult and make very adult decisions in my life. It is the year that I’ll settle down.

But till it happens, when it happens and becomes another faded memory in my mind, I’ll just take it each day at a time.

So come on 2008. Bring it to me, bring it on. Make it memorable and beautiful.

It’s been a year and 4 days since I’ve turned 27 and it never ceases to amaze me how I continually grow and change and refine myself into the person I am today. It just absolutely amazes me. I’m forevery 27, forever 27, forever 27. Okay, I’m 28. I’m fucking 28-years-old.

Looking at things, looking at this blog, it just seems that I haven’t been putting the effort or the time in this blog any more. Maybe it’s just because I don’t have much to complain about any more, or that I don’t have much things about me to fix, or I’m just really busy, or lazy. I don’t know, but I haven’t been putting as much time in it as I did before and I would like to start contributing to it again. So, it’s been a while and it might take me a while to get into the flow of things like I usually do.

My 27th year has brought on many small changes in me. One of the biggest change in me is that I have gotten much more confident in myself. There is this confidence in me that came out of nowhere. I never thought I am capable of it. I guess that is something that comes with age; a huge thing that comes with age. The shitter is that I don’t even know when it crept up on me.

Another thing that kind of came out of nowhere is this innate sense of optimism. No matter what I think can happen to me; losing my job, being in an accident, etc..etc.. I just have this feeling that everything will turn out fine and dandy. Now this little new found trait is the one that scares me the most. Confidence comes and goes depending on the situation, but optimism is something that you either have or don’t.

I’m sure that there are certain things in one’s life that brings upon this sense of optimism, but for the life of me, I just can’t pinpoint what it is. Before, when I was younger, much much younger, I was the pessimist. The world is a shitty place to live and all life is unfair; it is picking on poor little ol’ me. Everything that happens is always for a negative reason. Then, in the past couple of years, as I’ve gotten older and more comfortable with myself, I accepted that life is shit; that life is unfair, and it has nothing to do with me. It just is. I became the realist. Bad things happen along with good things. Things just happen. Good. Bad. Sure I tend to weigh more on the negative side, but I do appreciate the positive. Life. Balanced.

Now, there’s still the realist in me. I don’t think it will ever leave me. Now, instead of weighing more on the negative side of things, I’m leaning more towards the positive, optimistic side of the spectrum. Weird indeed.

….I have lost my train of thought as my bladder kept pushing for me to go. I’m just going to write and see where things take me.

For the past couple of months I have been stressed and busy with work and other things in my life. Work sucks. It just fucking blows with the server issues and me spending so much time there that it’s just not funny any more. I’m so tired of it, but now that we have the new server up, hopefully things will be more manageable. Hopefully things will be better.

School. I have started classes this year in February. It is going all right. I’ve been lazy and haven’t been doing my reading like I’m suppose to. I’m bad. I’m lazy, but I will get to it and eventually, hopefully get certified.

Condo search. It is going. I’m not in a rush. I have put a bid on a place, but I just haven’t heard back. It is in Monterrey Hills, near South Pasadena. It is a lovely neighborhood. Nice and quiet. It’s out of my price range, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to manage.

Writing. Here is the big accomplishment of my 27th year. This is one of the biggest accomplishment of my life to date. I have finished my first script in a little under three years. And I do have to admit, it isn’t a bad one. It’s actually quite good. For this one, I’m actually proud. Scott even said, even if I don’t win the screenwriting contest, I should be proud of what I’ve written, because it’s good.

I could actually see it. I see how things come together, and most importantly, I see how much I’ve matured as a writer.

I think for the most part why I like this script best, or that I had a more invested interest in writing this script is because it is very personal, especially to me. There is an aspect of it that just hits me close. There is an aspect of it that was a big part of my life and that is the bond between Siu Lai and Patrick. I miss my grandmother. I think about her all the time. I miss her. I really do.

Now, I’m not saying that this script is perfect. It has its flaws, but I do like it a lot. The script has changed and changed throughout the years and even the last couple of months with me finishing it and then rewriting it.

So, I have been busy. Really busy.

There’s a part of me that has fallen back into my hermitude. A large part of it has to do with how busy I’ve been lately, but there’s a large part that has to do with a desire to not go out and do things. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go out and socialize. Maybe it was that drunken night of vomit, but I don’t know. I just don’t need it anymore.

On the social front, nothing is happening. I guess it is hard for something to happen when I’m not going out and meeting new people. I’m done as I so proclaim. I’m done with relationships. They just aren’t for me.

Being back home, here in the lovely and beautiful state of Washington, and knowing I’ll be seeing family again, I couldn’t sleep this morning. Sure I know a part of it has to do with the air matress I’m sleeping on, but a part of it is the fact that I’ll be seeing family again and knowing that they’ll ask me what has been going on in my life and how I’ve been doing.

Sure, for the most part, they all seem to be good things, well, at least this year, but there’s a part of me that can’t stop thinking about what Kent told me a few weeks back. He called me lame. He said I was lame. I found it amusing. It made me smile.

To him, I am lame because I am in my late twenties, now 28, single with no prospects in sight; living with my dog in my one bedroom apartment. I am lame because of that. He tells me to look at my cousins Menty and Phinney. They are around my age, or when they were my age, they were in serious relationships if not married. Now they each have a house, kids, good job, the American dream. I am nowhere close to achieving that. I should be like them. Because I am not, I am lame.

For the life of me, I don’t understand why, but I find it funny and even amusing to see how he thinks. He asked me where do I see myself when I’m 35, 40, and I told him I don’t know. I don’t think that far ahead anymore. He says I should.

Again, amusing. I don’t know what it is, maybe it is because he’s young, naive, and innocent that he just doesn’t know any better, but I don’t know. I ask him where does he see himself in say 4 or 5 years, and his answers were like mine when I was his age. There is this idealistic innocence in his answers that I miss in myself.

I told him that I don’t think that far ahead anymore and I told him that he shouldn’t either. Life is too long to just plan ahead because you have no control over your life. It just happens. You can’t plan things out and have it go accordingly. Never happens.

If that was the case, I would have found my soul mate in college and now I would be married with children and being the successful pediatrician that I so wanted.

I’m not. I’m just a single, jaded cynic living his life a day at a time. Just going with the flow of life and doing things that I feel necessary to continue my life. I don’t try to plan things out anymore. Again, like I said in my yearly year-end reflection, I’m starting to live in the present.

But damn, to be that young and that innocent again. A part of me would love to be there again, but there’s also a part of me that wouldn’t mind being who I am now and being back in highschool. I would probably have a different experience. I may actually like it. Maybe not.

No, I think my life is really good now. Great if not fantabulous. I am single, doing my own thing, focusing on my writing, relaxing at home, and taking care of my dog. I go out when I want, hang out with friends that I want, and do things that I want. I’m a selfish motherfucker. What can I say?

….I just find it hard to write in this blog. I don’t know why. I’ve lost it. So I guess this is a good place

Here it is again. Another year older, another year wiser. Another year gone, another year to look forward to. Older and wiser. Another year. My mantra.

I’m 27. I’m 27. I’m 27. I’m 27.

I have reach the upper echelons of my twenties. I am no longer in my mid-twenties, but my late-twenties. Three more years until the big 3-0. I’m fucking old.

Like my reflections before, my year end reflections of the previous year, this year has gone by in a flash. A blink of an eye and things seem like they happened years ago. Days and weeks are lost in my old memories, making friends with childhood memories like they belong next to each other chronologically. Things are a jumble mess in my mind as I try to put memories to times and places and experiences. Just a jumble mess.

My 26th year is a year to remember. I was right in my entry when I turned 26….this year is the year to look out for. This year is the year that I will blossom, and boy did I.

This year I’ve grown into the man, the person, that fit this skin that I have worn for some time. This year I have grown into myself, liked myself, moved on and put my past behind me and only looked at the moment. I rarely looked back at what was and what might have been, but only focused on what is happening now, in the moment.

I focused on the job that I need to do, the script that I am working on, the company that I am keeping, and keeping me entertained.

Sure it wasn’t a smooth-sailing ride, but it sure was a ride. There is always a balance to things and for every bad comes some good and vice versa. Life never cease to amaze me even though my tired eyes feel like they have seen the world destroy itself a few times over with its problems of social dysfunction.

Since my last birthday, I don’t think I ever looked back. I just plunge head first, forward into my life, going day by day.

The 26th year was the year that I’ve become quite comfortable being in social situations. I have no problems hanging with my friends, or even mingling with the crowd. I’ve finally grown comfortable in these social crowds. Where did this come from? How did this happen?

Maybe it is because I have found myself. Maybe I am so sure of who I am, my confidence has grown and I really don’t care what other people think of me anymore. Just maybe…..

I don’t know what it is..maybe it is the company that I keep. They know me and there’s no pressure to impress them…and soon, I’m that way with anyone. No pressure to impress.

So, connecting with friends, and socializing more, this past year for me was also the year that I’ve reconnected with my family roots again. Not that I’ve reconnected with my family up north, or my mom and my brother…no, they will always be there. But this past year is the year that I’ve been focused on family more than the previous years that I’ve been down here.

Going up to San Jose for the family wedding and going to my great uncles more and more often, and maybe it’s also because I met two new cousins that I never met before in my life. First there was Yen and then there is my sister-that-I-never had, Jun. Who knows, but I’m as inclined to hang out with family as I am with friends. Maybe it’s because I finally have some family down here that is around my age, going through the same phase in life that I am going through, so I need that connection.. Who knows.

Another thing that really happened starting this past year is my connection with my mom. We actually talk now. I still don’t call as often as I use to, like when my father passed away, but I still call from time to time. She’s the one that calls me the most. But we actually talk now, and it’s not one of those cringe inducing calls that I so often fear during the times after my father passed away. I think she is genuinely better, and much happier than she was then. She seems so supportive of my successes and of what I want to do. She seems so genuinely caring of my happiness and me doing what it is that makes me happy.

I guess it also started when I called her about my last job. I called her about my problems and told her how I felt. That started things rolling. She would ask how my job is going now and encourage me to continue on when times get tough and to just work harder. She’s seems genuinely interested in my life. I guess that’s what distance do to people, they make them closer.

It was great to see my mother treking down to San Jose with my brother for my cousin’s wedding. It just seems like she’s okay now, and that she is moving on and living her life on her own.

And for me to see that in her, just makes me happier. I don’t have to worry about her as much.

The 26th year brought on the beginning of my dating experience. First with eharmony and the two “matches” that I went on multiple dates with. Sure the matches didn’t go anywhere, but with one, it did go somewhere a little further than it should have. Looking back at that past relationship, I was just too blinded by my naivette that it was my first relationship…if you want to call it that. I knew it wouldn’t last, but for some stupid reason, I thought I had to make it last and I got attached. Maybe it’s because I lost my virginity to her, or maybe I’m just a poor sap like that. I have no clue.

And after that, I’m done searching. No more looking actively for a potential partner. Love is something that you shouldn’t search for, it is something that should take you by surprise. So I’m done. If through my days, I do meet someone that I get along with and have an interest in getting to know more, I’ll make the extra effort. If not, then I’ll live my life alone.

But, I guess I’ll just have to see how this current relationship is going to go. I’m trying hard to not overthink this one and just let things be, to just let everything go and let it happen. It’s a lesson that I am slowly learning, and I think I am in the better for it. I’ll just have to see where things go. If she decides to move on, then I’ll just have to let her go.

A blink of an eye, my life is passing me by. A blink of an eye and my experiences just blend with my memories. Life is passing me by and I’m living in a slow pace, a comfortable pace. No point in rushing things. Life is long enough. Just sit back and enjoy it.

I wrote last year about my dealings with alcohol, how sometimes I do lose control while I’m out socializing. Again, I would like to reiterate, I’m only a social drinker. I’m not an alcoholic even though I joke about it often. I’ve done it. I don’t get drunk anymore. I know my limit, I drink enough to maintain that buzz, and then I’ll sober up if I need to go anywhere. If I ever slip, there will always be something that slaps me in the face to sober up.

I’ve hurt a few people in my 26th year also. Again, with all the good, comes the bad. I’ve hurt that single mother. We had an excellent relationship, more than friendly I would say. She’s one of the reasons why I’ve gotten so comfortable with myself. She helped lots with the extra push from that effort that I did with my last infatuation. But I made a mistake because I miscalculated where we stood. I thought we’d be comfortable with the rough housing, but I crossed the line. But luckily for me, things are better now, almost back to normal. We still talk the talks, confide in each other, like nothing has happened between us.

Now, I’ve made the mistake of doing the same thing again with another girl, and she’s less forgiving. And I don’t blame her.

But things are good in my life now. Things are well. I can’t look at the mistakes and fret on them. I’ve done my best to appease the situation and apologize for my mistakes. It is up to these victims to accept my apologies or not.

So with this past 26th, things have changed for the better, I am better than where I was a year ago, and I was better then than a year before that. Life seems to be heading in the right direction, professionally, personally, and socially.

So, another year older, another year wiser. I’m 27, I’m 27, I’m 27. Let’s see where my 27th year lead me. Who knows?

Well it’s that time of the year again. My favorite time to hate. My favorite time to just reflect on the year that just passed. It’s Christmas time. It’s Christmas day. It’s Christmas Morning. Merry Fucking Christmas or what I like to say, “a Bah Humbug to you”.

So I’m just sitting here at my home away from my home. In the lovely beautiful Puget Sound of the great green state of Washington. I’m home. I’m with family, and what other time is there for me to be with family. No other.

What a beautiful state this is. I cannot state that enough. It’s a beautiful state, full of greenery and character. Full of living life and crisp air. Full of views and lovely sites. It’s a lovely state; a lovely state that I’ve grown to love when I’m apart and learned to hate when I’m living here. Such a dichotomy. I’m just sitting here at this drug shop called Tully’s wriitng my thoughts. Writing my life.

What a year it has been. This year actually started late last year, but it is definitely the year that marks the change in my life. Sure not everything is all kosher salty good but things are working towards the right direction.

I think this year was so “good” to me because it all started with a bang. “My Drug of Choice” marked the beginning of my year. That will always be a thing that will never leave me. “My Drug of Choice”. It’s just who I am. I love to flirt flirt flirt and boy did I do my share this year.

Grant it most of my attention has been directed toward that certain someone that I can never have, but I did flirt and I can honestly say for the most part, it seemed that she enjoyed it, until that fateful day where things changed between us. But, it was fun and great while it lasted. Even now, though our relationship will never return to how it once was, we are still good together. But, she is just a lost cause for it will never happen between us.

I am at point where I lost my stream of consciousness so I’m just going to ramble ramble about the life that is or is it was.

This year never ceased to surprise me and I am a man who is not easily wowed. Such an old soul who is empathetic about everything, who feels for everyone, and who is just numb to everything. Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore, but I was totally amazed.

Not only by the “game” or “lack thereof” in the flirting front, but with everything.

This year marks the year of my socialness. Sure I still don’t go out as much as the “normal” person, but for me, I’ve been going out a lot and hanging out a lot. Mostly with Scott, Rutledge and the usual crew with our poker nights and just our weekly get togethers, but also with PJ and now it seems “The legendary horse”. This is just about the right amount of socialization for me. It’s not every night or even every week. It just is when it is and that is perfect for me.

With all of these “outing” adventures, there are some things are are missing. I’ve lost my way with my “direction”. I’ve lost my flow to just write and write. I’m not as focused anymore on my writing and hopefully this coming year will fix that. Hopefully I’ll get down with the scripts that I’m writing and create something else. Maybe the play that Scott and I both planned. Maybe that will be my “creative” outlet this year. Hopefully.

I will write again. I will finish first drafts of my two or three scripts that I want to get back on. I will finish. That is me, all say and no action, but things will change. They should anyway. They should. Back to focus. Back to action.

Hopefully the writing groups that I partake in give me the inspiration and the pressure to do what I need to do. Maybe the past couple of months will give me what it is that I was missing in my life that prevented me to write what it is that is necessary. My life.

Love found. Love lost. Love. It is the ever escaping feeling of feellings that I truly never found. Just one infatuation to the next. Just one learning experience to the next. Just one girl to the next and who will be the next?

These past couple of months has been busy on the social front. Many many firsts for me. I wonder when those firsts will happen again.

First there was two, then there was one. And the key word is was.

I’m a very instinctual person, basing judgments and my impulsiveness on my gut. Always been, but why was I so blinded? Maybe it was the romantic in me that was taking charge. Maybe it was the idealist. Maybe it was just simply my hormones. Who knows?

Who knows what my “compass” was looking for when she found me? It went and went. I learned and learned. Liking her for who she is but having doubts all the way. I pushed those thoughts aside; pushed those doubts aside because those feelings should not be there. It’s funny I’ve always listen to my advice and my gut and this time I turned a blinds eye and it got me in trouble.

She was fixed and now she moved on. I Fix You. Lies and deception. Things said to make me feel better. Things said to make her feel better. It was a relationship of miscommunicating communication of things that matter. I thought that there could have been something that lasted more than it was, but she obviously didn’t feel that way.

Taking care of her. That is what I do best. Helping her with her bath, washing her hair, feeling her pulse. Keeping her from the a coma that she so feared. Being the geeky rebel that I am, internet thievery for her. Those are things that I did for her and those are things that I will do again. But she never felt that way even though I did.

“You could be the one” she says to me. Apparently not.

“Rebound” I say. She says more. But she knows all it was, was a “board”. I threw up bricks and she played the key; blocked me out. She moved on to someone she covered for. Lies and deception. Things that should never be.

Open and open. Full of scars my heart was and she cut deeply. The first cut is the deepest. It certainly is. Her song. Not mine.

You never forget your first. You never forget how it happens or who it was with. As much as I try to forget about her, as much as I try to forget what was, it is hard for me to. My thoughts will always wander back to the things and moments we shared. To her little pets Chitah and Blue. It goes back to what might have been with the other that I was found out with. It just makes me think about my future and where it will go, if it will go. It is open and I think I will just leave it at that.

Distance is the telling sign of the things to come. Distance is the telling sign of where things came from. We were just too different and we were just to “open” in the relationship.

Dancing, superficiality, materialism, hip to the hippity hop, and other things that I know I’ve missed. It just doesn’t mesh with my non dancing, still water, have what I have, rocking to the rock self. Things just doesn’t compare or mesh in those matters.

It is what it is. It was what it was. A passing class in lust and self assurance. A passing class in “blossoming” and “trust”. A passing class in “making you feel better”.

Bitter, better, angrier. Just a little bit of each, but it will all pass as I finish this sentence. There is no point in lingering on what will never work. Stephanie is right. I need to call it what it was, a “use-use” situation and not how I see it, “I don’t know, we’ll see what happens”.

So life goes on. Curiosity killed the cat as I will do my drop bys and my stalks until she is a distant memory.

Moving on and things to focus on. The lack of money is nothing new to me, especially now that I got a new place; A bigger place. The lack of money is scary but I’ll manage. I always do. It’s just my instinct for surivival, my instinct to make ends meet. No toys or booze, back to the hermit that is me. Enough of this socializing because the fun me is gone and here comes the serious crab.

Doggie Doggie is what I will get to help pass my time. Doggie Doggie is what I will get to be my only friend that I will constantly see. It will love me because I feed it. It will love me because I will be affectionate. It will love me because it just will. “Man’s Best Friend” the term and not the movie.

With all the good that I’ve listed and forgot, there will always be times of bad. Life is never this perfect where there is no balance for the good. Karma will always come back and haunt your silly ass. Maybe that’s what happened with Starry Flower.

Flashing. My hands slip as I told her what I was going to do. I thought it was just the playful horseplaying that we usually do, but I pole vaulted over the line and landed a 1,000 miles away.

Things were rough and cold. Shoulders were icy and their eyes burned. Mental problems, tears flowed, and excitement ceased. It never stood up during that week. Things were rough for me; mental anguish up the wazoo for what I’ve done. The violation, the violator. That is me.

But things patched up with my teary words and her “hateful” plea. We came to an understanding and things are working back to how they were but with less of the touchy touchy feely feely. Reconciliation.

But there is another reconciliation out there that will never come. There is another reconciliation out there that might.

It’s been a year and twenty something days since the severing of that strong connection. A taut string that is pulled on both sides and cut in the middle never to find a connection again. It cannot be tied together because the new end flaps in the wind, never to touch. No words or attempts to tie us together. Gone gone gone. Knowing me, I will never write. It’s just in my nature to never keep in touch. I rarely do. It’s bad of me, but it’s a fault that I can live with. It’s my character flaw.

For instance, even if Twinkle Twinkle writes back in the given weeks, I don’t know if I’ll respond. I’m not mad at what she did anymore, it was for the best, but I don’t know if I can live in that past again. It will just confuse me more. But I guess I’ll just see what happens as I let things flow.

As for the other reconciliation, just a gentle love tap has sent the wrong message for me, but she’s the “princessy” type that is all about her. Not to be mistreated, the shallowness in her prevents her from just accepting my apologies. I have no problems in admiting that I’m wrong. I was wrong in that case, but she misconstrued my intent. If that is what it is, then it will be what it is. But she’s damn cute.

Life is a series of miscommunications. It isn’t until someone tunes into your weird signal when things will get clear.

Life life. It goes and goes with the right things and the mistakes that take place. There is always a balance. Ying Yang.

The year to come. The ’06 is just around the corner. What is there to expect, what will happen? I don’t know as I follow through with my choices and give myself to the mystery of the blank slate. Bad things. Good things. Things will always be a surprising non-surprise. I’ll just go with the flow,flow with the go. That’s my motto.

Another year older, another year wiser. I think that will be my mantra for each birthday entry. Another year older, another year wiser.

This past year has been the year that did it for me. This past year will be the year where I look back and see that my life changed. My twenty-fifth year. That was the year of change. The twenty-sixth year will be the new beginning. It will be the year where I will not look back.

It just seems that I’ve finally got my shit together. This isn’t no hopeful whispering of a troubled man, no, it is fact. I finally got my shit togethter. I finally have let go of all that has put me down and held me back all of these years, and I finally got my shit together.

It’s nice to say that I’ve got my shit together. It has a certain ring to it. But this doesn’t mean that it’s going to be a cake walk from now on. No, it’s far from it. It just means that I’m still growing, a little bit at a time. I’m still learning new things that I never thought I was capable of. I still have a long way to go to learn everything that there is to know about me.

There were many lessons that I’ve learned over the past year, heck, over the past couple of years. I’ve changed so much and yet, haven’t changed at all. I believe what I am today has already been there. There were just things that held me back. Things, thoughts, people, situations that just held me back from reaching my full potential or hiding my potential from view.

Apathy. That has to be the biggest thing I’ve learned. I just don’t care much about anything anymore. Well, I guess I’ve always had that outlook on life, but I finally put it to work. Apathy. It’s great. Things get you down that you know shouldn’t bother you, why let it? Just let it be. Just let it roll off of your shoulders and move on. Don’t spend any time worrying or caring about it. Just move on.

Work was like that for a while. I wouldn’t have gotten through my last job, especially the last couple of months if it wasn’t for my apathy. It saved my life. But, I do have to say, it came a little too late. It got to the point where it was so tough just to go to work, especially with all of the problems there. I just needed to get through. The last couple of months were the worse. To get through each day, I put on my blank face and build up that wall to not let anything get to me. I know I’ve hurt people there, but I couldn’t care. It got me through.

Now, I’ve maintained my apathy. It’s a part of me. It’s a usefull appendage. It just gets me through, or else I would have driven myself crazy already.

Focus. I’ve never been so focus in my life. Well, it’s not like I’m super focus now, but, I am more focus now than I ever was. Working and working to get to that goal I set a long time ago. I am working at it. I’m still not the optimistic, but there is an idealism in me that pushes me to work toward that goal. I’m not saying that I will be that successful director that I’ve always wanted to be, but atleast I’m making an effort. I can honestly say that I put in a good amount of effort to achieve that goal.

I just found this drive in me in the past year. I’m sure it is that I’m getting older and one should grow and be better with each year, but it is also because things got clearer for me. Once I found someone who shares the same dream and is willing to work together to get to that dream, it just made things that much easier. It just made it that much easier.

Things are falling into place. Things are clearer. Obstructions that were no longer are. I’m free to do what I’ve set my mind to, and I’ve already started.

I finished a short, but most importantly, I’m writing more and more. With each night, I’ll add another entry or another script or another page under my belt; adding to my already voluminous collection of works.

It wasn’t until this year that I’ve actually started to enjoy writing. It wasn’t until August 22, 2004, that I learned to love writing. I love writing. I love to write. It is because of an entry here that I learned to write. As I push myself more and more and more, I liberated myself from my self doubt of my writing. I didn’t care that my writing is flawed and fractured; ungoverned by the strict rules that I was taught so long ago. I didn’t care.

I write in my own verse, I write in my own voice, my own style. I write my way. With this, I became a lover of words.

Now, with my new found apathy and my new foundness in this large and impersonal world, I’ve become more and more social. I’ve been going out more and more. Parties, poker night, dinner. I’m just the social butterfly. I still have the tendency to just stay in and be alone, but I am more willing to go out now. But again, it all depends on the company.

Just meeting new and different people has just brought out a certain something in me. It brought out courage. It brought out my self-esteem. It brought out myself. I’m no longer that lonely catipillar that I was so long ago. I’ve matured into that social butterfly that everyone says that I am.

Now, this socialness, I think I’ll have to attribute it to that certain friend of mine that I’ve infatuated oh so much about in the past three years. My final act of courting just broke the dam for me. With it, I’m no longer afraid to put my heart out there and take the risk anymore. The single mother can attest to that.

I know she’s in a relationship, but I just couldn’t help myself. Just being around her makes me giddy and crazy inside. Just being able to flirt with her and make her laugh and at times have her reciprocate just makes it that much harder for me to stop doing it. So I can’t. I just can’t. It just seems with each day, we add another layer to our relationship. A new joke, a new revelation between us two, a new look, a new smile, a new touch, a new heartfelt moment. With each day, a stronger connection.

This is all because of that certain girl. Thank you.

I don’t know if many could see the change that is in me right now. For some, they would think it is a definite change for the worse. Others will see it as a change for the better, and some might not see a change at all. I would like to think that I’ve changed for the better. Actually, I know I have.

So here I say to you all again. I’m 26. I’m 26. I’m 26. This is the beginning of my new life. This is where my life officially starts, as profecised by the palm readers oh so long ago. This is the beginning of a beautiful life.

Again, this doesn’t mean that I’m going back to believing in fate. No, not at all. It just means that I’m not ruling it out either. I’ll just allow for the possibility that it may be true.

Now, all of these changes for the good, I never discussed all of the bad things that I’ve done. Most of them involve alcohol. Now, let’s clear the air here for a second. I am not an alcoholic. I do not need alcohol to get me through the day. I am strictly a social drinker. I only drink when I’m out socializing.

I notice that whenever I drink, especially if it is on an empty stomach, I’ll get drunk, and with it, I’ll do stupid things. But keep this in mind, this doesn’t happen often. I know when to stop if I know I need to drive myself home. My friends are very helpful in that front also by allowing me to sober up before I leave. But I know my limits; it’s just sometimes I lose control and get drunk.

When I’m drunk, I’m not a mean drunk. I’m not a bad drunk. I don’t make a scene, or atleast I try not to. I’m not beligerant or angry. I’m a happy drunk. Those who’ve had the pleasure of seeing me drunk can attest that I’m a great and funny drunk. I’ll just laugh uncontrollably over the smallest of reasons. But, that is still no excuse for some of the things I’ve done. No one got hurt because of my drunkeness. Maybe just one person did get hurt. Am I going to apologize for it? No. I shouldn’t, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all.

Now, because I know how I tend to get when I’m inebriated, I am cutting back my consumption. I’m taking it slower, not letting me get to that point where I feel that I’m losing control. But, I always regain sobriety quickly, so I’m fortunate that way.

I put that to the test this past weekend. My friends and I were celebrating the “Hindu Lunar New Year”. They had a cookout and invited me. Now, I know that we weren’t really celebrating “Hindu Lunar New Year” but we were really celebrating my birthday. Why the guise of “Hindu Lunar New Year”? Simple. My friends know that I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. They know if they made it specifically for me, they know I wouldn’t approve of it. So they came up with a paper thin lie and threw this pseudo birthday party for me. We had a cookout and it was great. I had a great time.

This is the first real birthday party that I ever had any one throw for me, and if I could have my way, it will be my last. But all in all, I had a great time. We ate and we drank. I didn’t drink too much, because I just didn’t want to, but I got stoned. I took a hit. Now, I don’t get stoned that often, if ever. I’ve been around it from time to time, but I haven’t done it for the past two-and-a-half years maybe. It was good. I could certainly see why people would do it as much as they do, but it’s not for me. This last time will probably be it for the next two-and-a-half years or longer.

Now, I’m sure I’ve shared enough, maybe even more than I should. Until next year.

Well all, it’s been a while since I’ve just written anything that was just about me. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything that wasn’t drab prose or incoherent ramblings about nothing or something that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s been a while.

What has been happening in the past couple of months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds….Well, lots, and not lots.

A lot of things are happening. There are things that are happening that I really don’t want to get into in such a public forum; spats here and there and other personal matters that are best left for private eyes. Well it is just one spat and everything else is fair game.

A couple of weeks ago, I went back to Washington. I went home. It was the first time since my father’s memorial, which was about half a year ago. For the most part, it was an enjoyable time. It was a nice time.

It was great to see family again. It was fantastic to see how the new generation of the Ho family has grown and how much of a wonder they are. The babies are still as adorable as ever.

Everyone else seems to have their own separate lives that are a mystery to all. There was a moment where I actually regretted moving down here to begin with. There I was sitting catching up with my cousins, catching up with family and it just hit me that I’ve missed so much of what have been going on with family. I’ve missed being a part of their lives, knowing what they’ve all been up to, being in touch with their kids.

I felt like a stranger trying so hard to fit in in a tight knit group. I’ve become the outsider that I’ve always considered myself to be.

But then, I realized that is what happens when people get older. They disconnect with things that were familiar to them and they make new connections. I’ve made many new connections down here, many. If I had to do it all over again, I would make the same decision.

There were a lot of missed connections that were being fixed when I was up there. Every time I go up there, it seems like most of my time up there is there repairing that connection. The formalities of catching up for the past six months, the past year, the past two years, the past life time. But there’s just not ever enough time to catch up so it is a never-ending cycle of catching up and getting to know each other again.

With the mending of missed connections, there are times when old strong connections tend to snap without any warning or notice. This did happen and I do not want to go into details. Do I regret that it happened? At times I do, and others I really don’t care, cause everything is just so ridiculous. It’s a long and complicated story in which I don’t think there will ever be a reconciliation. At the moment, it is better to leave things be and try not to force things. When she comes around, she’ll come around.

I know I’ve written about this already a long whiles ago, but it does seem that things are just falling into place with me. I feel so much better about myself; things are just so much better. I am so much happier. I’m more comfortable in my own skin, I’m finally finding myself and finding I have a direction in life.

Being up there, it just made me realize that again. Especially about one particular aspect of my life, my social life, or in my case, the lack there of. Sure this change in my socialness or my confidence in these matters sort of came to place after my grand gesture to that one girl, but, I don’t know, doing it, it just gave me the confidence that I needed. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but I guess it is this. I know that if I do meet that one girl or a girl that just drives me bonkers and gaga, I know that I’m not afraid to ask her out and do something, well maybe not. More on this later. Now, my only problem is, when and how am I going to find that girl.

How did being up there make me remember how my life is coming together in the social aspect? Well, I’ve written about it. That little short story/prose exercise about me driving to Starbucks and seeing a few girls check me out…that was a true story. All my life, I just don’t think I ever noticed or ever realize if any girl have ever checked me out. I don’t think they ever would give me a second glace. Not at all, but to have three do it in one night in a span of a half an hour. It was uplifting.

A few weeks ago on a Friday, I went to the laundromat. I usually go on the weekends, but I know I was going to be busy this particular weekend so I went on Friday. I walked into the laundromat and noticed this particular cute blonde girl just sitting on the empty bench waiting for her laundry to finish. She looked up and we made eye contact. I smiled and she smiled. A connection. I continue to unload my laundry and I look over and I notice a homeless man sitting next to her, talking. I’m assuming that he’s trying to pick her up, so I let it be. It actually made me laugh to see that. I saw how uncomfortable she was just sitting there. She had her finger under her nose, because he’s not very sure, and she’s suppressing a smile, laughing at her own misery. She looked up at me and saw me looking at her. She saw me laugh at how ridiculous and funny I find the situation, she laughed to. Being me, I continued unloading my laundry.

About a minute later, I look back. Another guy was sitting on her other side and the homeless man is still making his move. Oh how I felt for this poor girl. She just wanted to do her laundry, to keep to herself and to be left alone, but that is not the case. Not tonight. I started to laugh again, and after she looked up and saw me, she laughed to. We kept making eye contact and I just kept laughing. I continued my laundry. Finally, I noticed her get up and leave the situation. We looked at each other again. I said to her, “Good, you got up.” She replied, “You just sat there and laughed,” or something along those lines. She had a smile on her face, not making it more than what it was. She walked over to her dryer and watched her clothes dry.

Finished unloading the laundry, I went out to my car to put the detergent back in the trunk and to grab a magazine from my car. Coming back, I was on the phone and I walked by her as she went out one door. I would have gone through that door and opened the door open for her, but there were a bunch of runt kids running around, and besides, I was on the phone.

Back in the laundromat, I sat where she sat when I first saw her. I looked around for her. She was at the arcade, playing a game of bowling I believe. Finished, she sat down a few feet away from me. I looked up and smiled as she walked by, she did the same. But this is where I made the mistake of resorting to my old self. I didn’t talk to her. I didn’t say a word. I just continued reading my magazine and there she sat, just waiting, waiting for her laundry to get finished, waiting for me to say something; just waiting. I think she sat there for a total of 30 seconds, then she got up and left. I guess her laundry was finished.

Now, with her laundry done, folded so nicely and placed in her basket, she’s ready to leave. I looked just in time to see her head for the door. She looked at me and again, I looked back. We smiled our best, then she did something I didn’t expect. She waved at me. She waved goodbye. She waved at a total stranger who she knows nothing about but that she shared a funny moment with. She waved at me. Thinking back, I don’t remember a time when I was waved to by a girl who I’ve just barely met and just barely talked to.

I made a mistake that night in which I wished I could take back. I wished I had talked to her; make conversation, even if it is only the dreaded small talk that I so hate. I wish I had made a move. I didn’t. I just sat there reading a magazine in which I could read later. I regretted my lack of action. I’ve been going back to the laundromat every Friday since then hoping that I’ll see her again, just hoping, but she never showed. I lost my chance.

Besides my lost connections when it comes to love, what else have been happening in my life? The life that I wanted, the pursuit of my dream has finally taken place. I am back on track again, and it is keeping me busy. I’m so focused on it, I haven’t had much time to focus on other aspects of my life, which is good I guess. The less I focus on my lack of social life, the better I think.

Well, I’m writing again. I’m writing a new script. I’m really excited about this one. I really am, but I’m stuck. I’ve reached the second act and am not sure on how I should approach it. I came out here tonight to write more, but I couldn’t focus, so I’m writing this entry as an exercise to get my creative juices flowing. Maybe tomorrow I could continue.

I’m not sure if I’ve written about this, but I am going to shoot my first movie. My short, Passion Fruit. I’ve already found the actor and had auditions to find the actress and selected her already. Scott, my creative partner, is helping me produce this short. This is going to happen and I am so excited about it. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’m actually going to shoot something; I’m actually going to do what I’ve set out to do so long ago. I finally have direction.

After this little film, what else will happen? Scott and I have already planned to adapt one of Stephen King’s short stories and turn that into a short film. I don’t know which one yet, but it is on our list of projects that we will be doing. It is just so far ahead, that I’m not sure when it will happen.

Also, after going to a play that a mutual friend of ours took part in, Scott and I decided that we each are going to write our own one-man show or our own play and will perform it. It was more out of hatred of the last play that we’ve seen that night (not written by our friend) than anything else. But I’m excited about this too. I’ve never acted before and getting in front of a bunch of people is scary. There are no take backs on stage, no retakes, just the pressure of getting it right the first time out. We are going to do it for one night only. It is going to be a one night only performance, because if it sucks, if we suck, we don’t have to do it again. It’s going to be a wild ride. I got to start thinking about what I’m going to do for the play. Any ideas?

All right, I think that is enough for tonight, and besides, I really gots to pee. Again, most likely on a later date near year’s end, I will write another entry, reflecting on this past year. It will be in the same vain that I’ve written last year, but it will be happier.

Until next time, enjoy my trials and failed attempts at courting, revel in my happiness.