Here I am, a few days late, but here I am. It is time for my yearly diatribe of another year older, another year wiser. I’m 33. 33. 33. 33.

33.

From a recent survey, it seems that 33 is the happiest age.

It is the happiest age because:

Psychologist Donna Dawson said: “The age of 33 is enough time to have shaken off childhood naivety and the wild scheming of teenaged years without losing the energy and enthusiasm of youth.

Now that I am 33, does it seem that way? Grant it I just got here, I can’t really decide. It’s still early to say, so I’ll refrain from any judgment until that time when my 33s are over.

But I guess ultimately it is something to look forward to, and I think for me now, at this time and juncture, it is something that I need to look forward to.

* * *

32. What can I say about it?

It was another year for the most part in the right direction. As stated in my year-diatribe, it has been a year where I have been very social. I’ve been going out more and been more than chatty with a few people. It is definitely a step in the right direction for me.

It was a year of great travels and new adventures. I had a great time exploring New Orleans, that great epic road trip up the 1 and the 101 to home. I had fun times in Philly with family and even working in Moorestown again. I had my share of little small road trips here and there. It was another great year of travels and adventures and I don’t think that will be something that will change.

Even for my 33 birthday trip was another great adventure to Arizona. Traveling is in my blood. It is in my heart and until I die, that will never go away from me. Never.

I think in a way I had been influenced by my parents when it comes with traveling. I may have written about this before, but it does make sense.

My mom had that sense of adventure in her like I do. She’s always game to go places; it’s just that no one takes her. I’m always down to go anywhere and I do.

My love of road trips is most definitely from my dad. Some of my fondest memories of when I was a child were the many road trips down to California to visit family that I took with my family. My parents would just pack us in the car and we would just go.

I’m sure it was the sense of adventure and seeing new places that was appealing and also probably missing school at some point. It was just nice. I had a great time and it had shaped me into who I am today.

* * *

32.

It had been a really really good year for me and maybe in the end it is driving me to change a little bit more. I am definitely itching for something new, something more demanding in my life, but in a way, I’m weary of the change.

I can’t wrap it in my head but I am in a current state of mind that I can’t shake. I just know that something is off and this had been happening for a few months now. I just don’t know what it is.

I have no motivation to do anything. Nothing really interests me anymore and I’m bored with my hobbies or everything that I’m producing.

I think I just need a little something, I just need that little spark of inspiration that will jump start my life again, to get out of this rut that had plagued me in the last few months of my 32s.

I’m sure it might just be a phase, just something that I’m coining as my mid-life crisis or a 1/3rd-life-crisis as Ms. D had coined it. I don’t know what it is but it is something that had been haunting me and it is something that I just definitely need to shake.

I’m sure this will be something that I’ll figure out in the long run if not the short run. Nothing is forever. Nothing.

* * *

Projects.

Art.

Hobbies.

Creative endeavors and distractions had been no different in my 32s as my other years. I had been focusing more on my latest script — that of family and how we got to America — and my photography.

I finished the script in about four to five months and have not looked back at it. I’ve just been waiting for notes and taking a step back to get a better feel of it, trying to figure out a way out of the trap that I’ve written myself into. I have a vague idea of what it is that I want to do, but it is just a matter of actually doing it. This lack of motivation is really killing me.

I finished another 365 photography project last year, but this time it is with cellphones and for the most part it was a success. Instagram definitely made it a lot easier.

In terms of photography in general, I haven’t been taking much pictures since the project was over at the end of the calendar year. I had no pressures no reason to take pictures unless it is a trip, a la Arizona 2012.

I think for the most part it all goes back to the lack of motivation or the lack of inspiration that I had been feeling lately. It is this rut of soul sucking suckiness that is just wreaking havoc on me; mind, body, and soul.

I feel bored with everything that I had been doing. My script. Bored. My photography. Bored.

I haven’t even been reading for I have two books that I’ve started months and months ago that are barely even close to being finished.

Motivation is severely lacking.

Something is definitely gone in me or out of tune. I just need to fix it.

I do have these grand ideas of changing the way I shoot photography. I do have these grand ideas of new photography projects and just learning new skills and trying a different style of shooting. I have learned all I can learn right now in terms of street photography.

I need to do more studio work. More planned work. More lighting work.

I think it would be a great change of pace for me. It will be challenging and I think that is something that I am looking forward to and something that I definitely need. A challenge.

I think that is another reason why I have switched to writing more prose with my little writing prompts and what not. I always felt uncomfortable with my prose. It’s just not ever any really good. I need more practice and I need to write more, to figure out my voice and my style. Listening to words, books, novels and novellas of other more established writings, I’m trying to pick up and learn how to write better. I’m trying to get a better grasp of voice and just better writing in general.

It’s another challenge that I think I definitely need and I think it will be a good year for me to do that.

33, a year of creative challenges.

Maybe that will be the theme for this year, this age, and this number. 33. Creative challenges.

As of now, besides the prose writing I did in the past couple of months, I haven’t done anything. But this year is still early. I just turned this number. I have lots of time.

* * *

There’s just something about last year that made me wanted to go out more and be a little more social and I followed through on that. Dinners with friends and a lot more happy hours and just hanging out and doing things with people.

Maybe with my old age, it got to the point where I realize that I can’t be the hermit all the time and maybe it’s because I haven’t been hanging out with Scott and Rutledge as much because we all got busy and because of Gabriel.

Also most likely it’s because I know that they are planning on leaving and that I need to find some new friends to hang out with. I think for the most part, that is the driving force behind it…and maybe trying to meet someone that is worth meeting.

I don’t know what it is, but it was definitely welcomed.

I’ve gotten comfortable in this whole socializing thing as proven by the holiday party. Things are good. Things are well as I didn’t need a social buffer for me to fit in and feel comfortable.

As of now, it doesn’t seem any different as I had joined the softball team and gone to a few dinners with people I never thought I’d get dinner with, like Doan and in a way making plans with the Irish Ginger.

As much as I would love to go back to basics, go back to the hermit that I am, in my cave, I don’t know what this year is going to shape up in terms of that. There’s a part of me that wants to go out and do more, but there is also a huge part of me this is looking forward to staying home and working on new projects, whether in photography or writing or something new. I don’t know, but it is definitely on my mind.

Along the way I have developed a sibling relationship with Blox and it’s cool. I guess after having Mui Gwai Fah getting busy and not chatting with me, especially after the holiday party, I had found someone else to chat with. It’s nice.

But let’s see where this whole socializing thing goes.

Again, with the whole socializing, I have no problems asking people out now or agreeing to go out with someone. It’s just a matter of getting someone to hang out with me. Whether it is dinner with B5 or someone else.

I even made an effort to ask Ms. D out, but we all know how that turned out and with that I made a decision to not see her as much anymore.

In a way, I am not sticking to the decision that I have made, which is to just move on and forget about her. Not seeing her as often is definitely a step in right direction, but I should stop emailing her too. That whole dynamic is just confusing to me. I have no idea what is happening. I’m not smart enough to figure it out.

It just seems I can’t decide on what I want. I see girls and notice them and notice how friendly they are to me, but I just can’t read them.

For example, I have no idea what the Cute Tracker is up to. None. I think she’s just friendly, feeding off of my friendly vibe.

Blah.

Back to the cave. That is what it seems to be. Back to the cave.

* * *

From everything that happened, from things going well to the dreaded fatigue and lack of motivation, it just seems that 32 was a year of transition. The year of where my childhood ends to where I need to grow up and man up. It is a time for change, to prepare myself for adulthood.

Maybe, just maybe.

A year of transitions. A year of growing up. It is a year of shedding this little selfish childish kid inside of me and just maybe grow up a little bit more.

In an attempt, I feel the need to dress a little more grown up. I feel the need to ditch my t-shirts for something more adult.

It’s not like I’m ditching them totally. That will never leave me, that classic style of t-shirts and jeans, but there are times where I feel that I just need to grow up and face the world as a grown up.

I can’t hide from things anymore.

A year of transitions.

It started in my late 32s and it’ll keep happening through my 33s.

* * *

I don’t know what it is, but I think that I am at a precipice in my life. It is an interesting time in my life, the time of being comfortable in my skin, being comfortable with who I am is over and it is time to make use of that, to bring it to the next level.

I think that is what is in store for me in my 33s. It is time.

If the saying 30s is the new 20s is true, then I’m about 23 right now. It would have been a year or two out of college for me, and it would be time for me to get serious about life, to get serious about who I am, and just work towards securing the happiness of my future. It is time.

It is just right.

33s is the time for that.

* * *

The last couple of months of my 32s, was that rut, that crisis I was having.

It isn’t an identity crisis, nor do I think it is an existential crisis. It is just a crisis of the mind.

I don’t think I am lost like in my quarter life, but it is definitely something.

Maybe it is getting close to that time of the year where Dad passed away and it is just hitting a little too close to home for me.

32.

I do notice that I have been an emotional mess this past year. Just the slightest things that usually set me off will definitely and most always set me off.

Watching How I Met Your Mother, that episode where Jason Siegel’s father passed away, I just lost it.

When Lily got out of the car I knew it. I started to cry and crack even before the words left her mouth.

I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. I haven’t felt that pain, the sense of loss and yearning for my dad in quite a long time.

He is always in my thoughts. Every day, he is, but it’s been almost 10 years, almost 9 years, and the pain is still there like I lost him yesterday.

Sensitive.

Heartbroken.

That is where I am at.

I miss him and that is reason enough for me being an emotional mess.

But again, I don’t know why it is happening.

Am I just purging everything in me to get to the point where I am now, to make this transition to the stable person, to take the leap to be that grown up that I must be?

Is it time?

Maybe.

* * *

I’m at a point where I am just rambling for the sake of rambling.

This post has lost its point, lost its meaning, and has become something that wasn’t meant to be.

My 32 has come and gone and it was another year in the right direction, but it was also a challenging year for me, pushing toward the next phase in my life.

I think maybe that is it. That little boredom in my life, near the end is pushing me to do something different. To have me live my life a different way, to find other things to make my life more interesting, to make me less bored.

It isn’t a pressure for me to abandon the things that I currently love or my hobbies, but to enhance them, to make them better, to find a different way to do them. Instead of screenplays, write prose. Instead of street photography, do another type of photography, portrait photography, studio photography. Just something different.

I think that is it. It has to be.

* * *

In terms of work, it is going.

When I’m learning new stuff, I love it, but then there are times, when I am just bored and waiting.

I have so many projects that are hanging above my head that I want to finish, but I am relying on other people to help. I usually work alone and I hate relying on other people.

It doesn’t help when these people procrastinate and don’t turn in their part of the project, so it is a waiting game and I have no patience for that, especially when work is issue.

It may seem that I don’t care about work, that work is work, but I do. I enjoy my work and I enjoying new and challenging things.

I just don’t like waiting and relying on other people, especially when they are unreliable.

I think that is another reason why the last couple of months have been frustrating.

This waiting game in my work life. Just waiting.

Looming projects that I want to finish, but can’t.

Whether it is because of my limited skill set or because I’m just waiting on people.

Irksome.

* * *

32 has come and went. Now I’m another year older, another year wiser.

Like most years, 32 has been a good year, a year in the right direction.

But unlike the many years in recent memory, it has been a trying year, or a little more so than others. It has been a year that is pressing me to be something more than I am.

I need to break out of this comfort zone that I have been living for the past 4 or 5 years or so and grow up a little more.

It has been shaping me in the direction to start the next phase in my life.

What does that entail, I have no idea, but I am more than ready for face it. Hopefully.

I can already tell that my 33 will be a trying year, testing me, forcing me to grow. I just hope that I will face it like most of my other challenges, head on without fear.

I think I am ready for this. I am ready for a change.

I am ready to grow up.

The kid inside can only be a kid for so long before everyone has to grow up. Even Peter Pan grows up.

So with this, I will bid my yearly adieu to the year that was, I will say my goodbye to 32 and welcome with open arms my new number. 33.

Bring it on.

Here it is. Here I go again on my own.

It is that time of the year again. That time of year where I reflect back on where I’ve been and what I’ve gone through this year. Reflecting on the things that I’ve found within myself, things that I’ve grown into, and just things about me that I need to focus on.

Here I am again, to say a Bah Humbug to all. A bah humbug indeed.

2011 is coming to an end and a new blank slate is going to start in the next few days. What is it to bring me? Hopefully it is more of what this year has brought. Hopefully it is something that is making me head in the same direction that I did this year.

2011.

It is a year that felt right. It is another year in the right direction; the direction of general growth, of bettering myself, of being the better man that I know I am capable of being. It was another step in the right way to allow me to look in the mirror and be proud of the man that is staring back at me.

2011.

I bid you adieu, tonight.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me this year.

Thank you.

*    *    *

Where to start? Where to begin?

Trying to think back over everything that happened this year, it’s hard to recollect much because so much happened and the year gone by so fast. It just seems year after year pass by in a blink of an eye. Blink. Another year. Blink. Another year.

Soon it’ll be a blink and then there will be no more.

Life is precious. Life is still. Open your eyes and enjoy it. Take part in it. Take your life by the reins and control it. It is yours to live it. Do with it as you please. As long as it is in a way of your choosing, that’s all that matters. It’s your life. You should be the one to control it.

I stand by this with all my heart. For the longest time it has been my philosophy. My life. My choices. My actions. My my my my. Mine.

And it seems that with each year, that’s what I am doing. With each year, I am living my life by my own hands, my own choices. My life. My choices. My actions.

This year is no different. I took charge of my life, doing the things that I said I would like to do and seeing them through and actually do it. It has been a slow process for the pass couple of years and I’m very glad that I am keeping up with it.

That is something that I am deeply proud of in my self. My independence.

As many of you all know, I value above all things in my life is my independence. I moved over a 1000 miles away from home to gain it and I am still not ready to give it up. Not yet. Not even close.

When I do, it’ll be on my own terms, it’ll be my own doing; it’ll be my own choice.

This year has been no different.

Sometimes I do feel that I’m way too independent for my own good, that I’m too unwilling, unbending in my scruples, in my philosophy of life for my own good.

Maybe it is why I am where I am right now, so afraid to just take the giant leap to get a clear answer, to gain that special something, that special someone that is missing in my heart of mine.

I value my independence. I yearn for that missing piece of the puzzle that is a void in my heart.

How can the two go hand-in-hand and live peacefully together? I don’t have an answer to that. I don’t have the ability to think in such abstract terms to make it work.

Currently my mind works in such a black and white way where it is one or the other. Live with my independence and be forever alone or give away my independence to fill the missing hole in my heart.

Decisions decisions.

Maybe that will be my lesson for the new year, to keep an open mind, to try to see things a little more differently than I currently do. Maybe I’ll figure out a way and see that they do go well together, my independence and being with someone. Who knows?

Life works in a funny way. You’ll never know what is coming to you until it actually comes to you, even though you have a fair idea of what to expect, it will always surprise you.

Life is funny that way. And sadly, for me, I can’t believe it just took me well into my 20s to see that. But I guess it is a good thing that I am able to see that during my 20s instead of my 90s.

Life.

2012. A blank slate. Like every year, it’ll be another year of growth and learning. Bring it on.

*    *    *

Here I go again.

Another day, another attempt, adding on to what I wrote previously to make it another post.

Where to start, where to begin?

One thing that I’ve noticed earlier on in the year is that I gotten bolder. I don’t know exactly what prompted it, but at a certain time early in this past year, I’ve gotten bolder. It was a weird epiphany, a weird feeling indeed and in a way, since then, I haven’t lost that feeling.

I am bolder, more confident in myself. I’m just a little more comfortable in my skin and with each year, it just seems that way.

It just seems weird to me. I don’t know why. Even Mwu Gwai Fah saw that little change in me before she stopped talking to me. She said that it’s a good thing for me.

Maybe this newfound boldness is the reason why this year’s biggest lesson for me was to be social.

I was such a social butterfly this year as this past Holiday Party can vouch for that.  I was circle hopping.  As the Blox said, "Every time I saw you, you were chatting up some Asian girl." 

As I said in my earlier post, it was definitely a good night in terms of zero buffers. 

But with this newfound socialness, it’s not like that I am going out nightly, clubbing or hanging with friends. No. I don’t think I’ll ever reach that level of socialness. I have my limits, but it has been a social year for me.

I think I went out and participated in more social activities this year than the last few years combined. I don’t know what has gotten into me, but it happened.

Whether it is dinners with some friends, to happy hours to celebrate birthdays and whatnot, and even to lunches, this year marked a definite change in me on that front.

It’s such a profound change that I even notice it. Sure I’m very self aware of my actions and what I do, but this is pretty substantial.

Honestly, I don’t know what has gotten into me.

Was it the bold gesture that I made earlier in the year that prompted it? No. I don’t think so. It started before.

Maybe in a way it is the idea that I might be losing the company of Scott and his family soon that I may have to find another circle for my social outlet. Or maybe it got to the point where I am comfortable in spending the money, shirking whatever at-home responsibilities I had to be able to go out, hang out with different people and have fun.

But strangely enough, even with my socialness, this year has been very productive on the writing front. I finished a second draft of A Ghost Story of Some Kind and then a first draft of the story on how my family got to the United States.

So, in a way, it’s not like I am shirking my responsibilities, that I am not doing anything on that front. I am. I’m able to find that balance.

I honestly don’t know what has gotten into me when it comes to socializing. Maybe it is time and it is just as simple as that. Maybe I know that for me to find someone, I need to go out…or maybe simply, I just need to change, to grow up and this is the natural progression of things.

I think for the longest time why I don’t like hanging out is that I don’t have a buffer with people. Scott is usually my buffer. But now, maybe it is with the newfound boldness, self-confidence that I found within, that I didn’t need that anymore. I’m able to find people that I enjoy having conversations with and just hang out with them.

And if I just don’t feel it, I can always just leave.

I don’t know what will come of this newfound socialness, this newfound boldness that I found this year, but hopefully I’m able to refine it, to build on it.

Hopefully.

*    *    *

Like any other year, this year was no different in filling my need to be a wanderlust.

Ever since I treated myself to a weekend Chicago trip two years ago, I decided to maintain that tradition. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to go on my birthday as I went to New Orleans for the Jazz Festival instead. But NOLA NOLA NOLA will be a memory.

I had a great time there as stated in an earlier post.

This will be another tradition that I will hopefully maintain. To treat myself to a trip.

Not sure where I’ll go this coming new year, but hopefully it is somewhere that is worthwhile.

Along with these trips, I made another trip back to Philly for a wedding and for work. And with trips like this on my own, there are always new lands to explore and this year it was Atlantic City. It was…interesting.

This year’s big trip was my road trip back home. It was a fantastic trip and I am very happy that I did it. Albeit I got sick during the drive up there, but the views, the landscape and the drive with Pickles really did make up for it. I really had a great time.

It’s just weird that I am such a wanderlust considering growing up, I really didn’t get to go much of anywhere. It’ll be mostly California to visit family with my parents. Long road trips with mom and dad and Hien, driving down to visit family in California. Those are some of the fondest memories I had growing up, our trips together.

Sigh…

I know in a way I’ve gotten my road tripping bug from my dad. He would always be the one to drive whenever we go anywhere. And in a way even when he was alive while I was down here, I would make these small trips to Fresno and what not.

Sadly, he’s not here with us, me anymore. Sadly, I can’t go on a road trip with him anymore. I can’t do a lot of this with him anymore.

Road trips seem to make up a lot of my life now. I’m always eager to get a trip, to plan something, to go somewhere I’ve never been.

Even if it is just for a day, driving hundreds of miles to just see a place I never been. From Lake Arrowhead, to the Salton Sea, to Seaside on Christmas Day (a Christmas tradition), to the Santa Ynez Valley: Santa Ynez, Solvang, Buellton for some wine exploration – a trip to just waste a day.   Just trips to spend with my little furkid. 

Always game. I think I’ll keep doing until the day that I can’t. No reason not to.

Maybe even when I have kids. Just pack them up in the car and go!

*    *    *
This isn’t going the way that I think it would be going, but I have to trudge on, to finish this.

*    *    *

Again. Another time.  Another place.  Back to where I started.

Stretching my fingers, trying to find the groove again, to get into the unfocused mind state of trying to get this finished.

As with any year, with any good that comes with it, there are some bad also. 

Thankfully there wasn’t any bad like any deaths, but more boring bad things that happen.

Speaking of the unfocused mind state, it just seems that I have a problem concentrating this year.  I don’t know what it is, but there will be days when I can’t for the life of me put any thoughts together. 

I try and I try but nothing comes of it.  My brain just malfunctions, focusing on anything new and shiny that comes into view.  This happens at work or even on my personal work of writing and what not.  No focus at all. 

Finger tappings and ramblings and contemplations are never cohesive.  There’s a lack of umph, a lack of something something that is sorely missing from them.  There’s something definitely wrong with me on that front and I can’t figure it out.  Hopefully it’ll just magically fix itself. 

Here’s hoping that is something in the mind and that I can over come it…soon.

For some reason I’ve been very very hypersensitive this year.  The slightest thing will just set me off, pulling at my heartstrings, tearing and pulling until I start to cry.  The slightest thing. 

Whether it is a sad movie, a sad book, hearing about someone being unjustly wronged or someone finding that their family is doing okay after the Japanese Tsunami on a youtube video.  They will just set me off. 

I’m such a softie and I don’t understand why I’m more hypersensitive to it this year.  No idea at all. 

I know that it could be about my father.  I do miss him so.  Little things that remind me of him will just make my eyes teary.  That I can understand.  It has happened ever since he’s passed away and I’m damn sure it will continue to happen. 

But the other things?  Really?  I don’t know what it is.

I think and ponder what it is that is making me be so…emo about things and I just can’t figure it out.  Not this year.  Maybe I’m just getting older…like that has anything to do with anything.  Who knows? 

Who knows, indeed. 

*    *    *

My heart isn’t in it.  My mind isn’t in it. 

Plagued by the mind-beast that is wrecking havoc on my focus. 

My fingers doesn’t connect to my brain as my brain can’t form any thoughts that is coherent or worth a damn in this yearly reflection of mine.  It is just what it is.

So, in a short wrap up.

2011.

You are definitely another year in the right direction for me.  You are another year of growth, another year of self-revelation, another year alive and living.

Soon it’ll be 2012.  Soon it’ll be another year, another blank slate to look forward to.  Soon, it’ll be another day to live the rest of my life. 

2011, you have been good to me.

I bid you adieu.  I bid you goodbye. 

2012 bring it on. 

It’s almost been another year in another number.

I sit here, almost, on the brink of being another year older, another year wiser, collecting my mind, my thoughts on what it is that is happening to me, on what it is that I have done in the year that was my 31.

I’ll be 32 soon, just a few hours away, a day away and in a way, I’m quite looking forward to it. Again, it just seems that I am coming together, that my life actually feels like something that isn’t a dark despair.

This has been a steady growth for a few years now, and I have no problems if it continues until the eternal life that I will possibly live.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Lessons in life have been scarce this year. Maybe they are the same lessons that I learn every year, but more refined. Live life. Don’t fret. Don’t take everything so serious. Be bold. Be courageous. Take risks.

Everything I have learned and relearned and have no problem learning again. It makes me a better person, an amazing person.

So, another year, another year. Soon, I’ll be 32. 32. 32. 32. Might as well just jump the gun and say it. I’m 32…..

* * *

Thinking back, reflecting on 31, it seems like it really is no different than any other year, but there are things that were a little different.

I’m still the lonely hermit, the party of one. That’s my life. There’s no getting around that at all, but it just seems that things are easier.

I think this year has been a social year for me. In terms of the talks with Ms. D and Lady Emo.

The chit and chats with others. New friendships, new bonds. New flirtations and new actions.

The idea that I actually followed through and made that gesture is something that I never thought I would be able to do, but I did it. That boldness, that risk taking. It just came. Maybe it is with my age, my growth as a person, but it is something that I actually did.

It’s been a while since I’ve made a gesture.

Sweet. Thoughtful.

Again, like any other year in the past few years, I’ve become more and more comfortable in this yellow skin of mine. It feels like me. If wraps myself, with no uncomfortableness. It is me. Here I am. I’m not perfect. Far from perfect, but this is a me that I can get down with. This is a me that I can and actually do love. I am me and this is it.

Me now. It’s a good me. A good me that doesn’t need to be changed anytime soon. A good me that will take small refinements with each year, ’cause there’s really not much changing left.

Almost there. Maybe.

* * *

Explorations are still going to happen. Vacations are still going to happen. Getting away from things, from life, from the monotony that is my life. The exploring wanderer that is me will rear its head again.

Something to look forward to. Something to follow through and just be. I will travel. I will go places and see and experience and do. I will do it either by myself or with others, but either way, I will be there, living the way that I am comfortable of living and just being me.

I can’t ask for anything more. To be allowed to be myself no matter how confused people may be of me, is a great part of life.

People don’t need to understand me or figure me out. They all just need to let me be and accept that.

Trust me. I’m confused all the time and don’t know what is what most of the time. I tend to figure stuff out while it is happening if not before and sometimes after. I can’t imagine my life being different from that. Life. Life. It is just the way it is.

Life. I have no problem with that.

* * *

Here I go. No pressure. No judgment. Just me being me, writing about me, which is what I do best.

Gone is the lyricism that I was once capable of. Gone is the wit that I am so full of. Gone is my old writing style that I miss so much of. I need to do this. I need to accept that it is over and that I can’t bring it back and that I should embrace this new found writing prose of prose that I have been hating for quite some time.

Embrace it. Own it. This is the new you. This is the new me. The new voice that I am writing with henceforth.

It is a growth that I need. To accept that the old ways is gone and it is only this now. Here, these words, without the general flow.

The unfocused focused writing without the general thin link to whatever subject that I was writing with.

* * *

Through the last couple of years I have been writing, noting, discussing this new found optimism that I have been experience, seeing, feeling that is in me. My life isn’t bad and I feel that it’s really not going to get much worse. I’ve experienced that already. Maybe I did hit bottom and I can face anything, me finally getting the strength to pull myself back up and face the world again.

But here it is, this clinging optimism, this self-confidence is just here. Now, there’s this new boldness that is in me. Maybe the gesture to Ms. D helped but others have noticed it. Mwui Gwai Fah has noticed this change in me and she thinks it’s good.

I hope it isn’t a phase and it is a new part of me.

Things are getting easier. Things are getting much easier and I don’t know who to thank for that. It’s been a long long and arduous journey that I have been in trying to find myself and to better myself.

New opportunities are coming my way.

Confident in myself. There’s this general feeling that people might actually genuinely like me or in a way find me desirable. I wouldn’t go that far, ’cause in a way, I still don’t know or am too blinded by my relationship-stupidity to actually figure out, but I think it is there.

I don’t know. I am blossoming, showing my true self, that is full of self-worth and maybe people are actually seeing and getting it.

Sure many of them don’t see the full me that some others only barely know, because I really never gave them a chance to know. They only see on part of me and in a way, maybe it is….

* * *

New thoughts new day.

Today is the day. The day of days. Here I am, here I go. 32. 32. 32. 32.

Another year older, another year wiser.

Today, I really mean it. Today is the day.

Here I am. I embrace it with open arms. I embrace this newfound 32ness with no regrets as I start looking at things anew. Maybe. Just maybe things will continue on this upward trajectory of greatness that I have been experiencing in the past couple of years.

I don’t know. Hopefully it isn’t wishful thinking of any kind.

Here I am. This is me. Reflecting upon reflections of my life. Reflecting on the journey, the trip that got me to here…NOW…to this man that I have become.

Slowly but surely, slowly but surely, I am able to look myself in the eye, to look at my reflection and see the person that I know that I can be looking back at me.

As I’ve been posting, as I’ve been saying, this growth wasn’t easy going. It wasn’t easy going for the longest time, but I’ve got to a point where it is getting easier. Growth is getting easier.

I’m coming to terms to who I am. Accepting my faults and flaws that I am full of and accepting the things that I am great in, that makes me awesome.

I’m coming to terms with who I am and finally loving this person that I have become. It was a long long process, but here I am.

* * *

It seems to have been another year that I’m getting social and being comfortable with it.

Whether it is the little chats that I am having with people or the flirtations of flirtations at work or even the happy hours for people outside of my circle. It has been a social year.

Or at least social for me.

Even the visits to my distant cousins across the land.

I’ll never be the extrovert, but it is easier to pretend that I am. It has gotten easier to deal and cope with a situation like that and just relax and enjoy it. Part of growing up, I guess.

* * *

Verification.

People who have known me for a while, like Willow and even the Villavenz has noticed that I have changed. I have changed from the early years of my life down here. Changed from the time that they first have known me.

I have changed quite a bit. I am a better person.

I am less “woe is me”.

I act on what I want.

I know I’m not as passive as I once was. I know that there are quite many things that I will take action on if I know I want it. Those things come easy. Vacations. I want. I will go.

I guess in a way, I am. I always had the ability to act, but my fear has always held me back.

The frustration of not knowing or can’t figure out what is the what has always held me back.

Maybe as I get older, I don’t care about that much anymore. Maybe as I slowly start to believe in my philosophy of being straightforward and ask to prevent any miscommunication has something to do with it.

I don’t know.

With Intern Intern and even London Bridges, I asked and it felt natural.

What is it with them that I can do without fear and whereas with others, it’s like the end of the world. I don’t know what it is, but maybe it is just the passing superficial surface of those relations compared to the deeper one with Ms. D.

I’m not saying that we are deep or that our conversations are deep. Not at all. It’s really not that deep, but with her, I don’t know. It just seems that things are just slightly different.

I don’t know.

* * *

Everywhere. Unfocused.

This entry has gone to the wild, not knowing what it wants to be. It seems to be a reflection piece like I do yearly, but it also seems like one of my typical ones.

Sigh. I think I have really lost my knack for this type of thing. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I continue? Should I even care?

* * *

Back to it. Back to this diatribe, this little rant of reflection. Back to the grind…hopefully.

I don’t know what it is, I don’t actually know what I’m trying to say anymore.

What anything should be taken from this senseless ramble, from this ongoing diatribe is that yes, with each year, with each number, it just seems that my life is getting better.

Ultimately with each year, I am growing. It is a growing experience that I go through. I tend to get a little more self-confident. I tend to get a little bolder. I tend to be a better me after each number.

I will never reach perfection, since it doesn’t exist, but I can get close to a ideal person. A great person. A awesome person.

So, without adieu as I have ran out of steam to make this worthwhile, here’s to being 32. Goodbye 31. You’ve been great like any other year in my 30s, but it’s time for you to go and make room for the newness that is 32.

What is in store for me? I don’t know, but like any other year, I welcome it with open arms.

I embrace it like a newfound novelty, hoping that it brings excitement, interests, and personal growth.

Welcome.

Another year older, another year wiser. My mantra. My philosophy.

Bring it.

Old old old. Old man is the man that is set in his ways and there will be no change in sight.

Another year older, another year wiser is the mantra that I live by. Another year another year as my age dials up by 1. 31 31 31 31.

I’m in my thirties, not just being 30. A new decade started, but now I’m officially in it, in it to the end, living my life the same way that I’ve always lived it.

Alone and independent. On my own, wandering listlessly going wherever my feet is willing to take me and where my heart is pulling me towards.

I’m here to see the world before it is too late and I can’t anymore; to go out on my own and just be, ignoring the whispers around me and just being.

Life has been good. 30 had been really good. It has been an excellent year, a great year of my life as I embrace this new decade, this new phase of my life.

* * *

I think I have a general direction and idea of where my life is going for the next few years, and it just seems that it is going to be the same: party of one.

It just feels right, comfortable in this independent loneliness that is my life. No extra baggage to bring along that will take away my zen of zens that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It literally has been a journey getting here, to this point in my life, and I am loving it, reveling in it until it is no more.

I’ll hold out as long as I can before it is time for me to change, and when that comes, I’ll take it in stride, being brave and taking that necessary step, facing a whole new phase.

Wandering wandering. Going going.

Off into this world I go, alone and none the wiser as I just go and go and go until I can’t go any further.

Comfort. Alone alone that’s how it has been and it seems to be the general direction of where I’m going. Off into the unwritten void that is the future, wherever I go, I know it will be an adventure.

* * *

An adventure. I’m ready for one and another. I was born ready.

It just seems that this year that was my thirties, it was experienced mostly by me and me alone. Sure there were some great times with friends and some with family, but most of it points to the independent singleness that is me.

I don’t need anyone, and that is the thing that came to fruition this past year, that it just seems that it has only been me. My big excursions, my adventures, mostly ended up just being me on my own.

Sure I had my trips where I met people and met up with family, but I’m off on my own, in my own little world, fulfilling this wanderlust fantasy of mine. Dreaming away dreaming off into the clouds of ether.

Wherever will I go? I surely don’t know.

Not focusing, not wanting to know how things will end up. I just know that things will happen, whatever they may be.

Maybe it is that I’ve become so comfortable in my own little world and that things were so great when I was alone this past year, that it cemented in me this idea that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone else in my life to fulfill a whateverness that many think is lacking.

Who needs it? Why?

If it happens, it happens, but I’m not going to sit around and gripe about it if it doesn’t. I surely can’t, because I know for damn sure I’m not putting in any effort to try to get that type of fulfillment. I’m just being.

Just free to be me….

* * *

As much pressure as I’m getting or think I’m getting, I’m not letting it get to me.

I have reverted back to my hermit state, my monky monkiness of being alone and doing the independent thing that I do best.

Maybe I’m trying to payback karma for all the wrongs that I’ve done in my life. Maybe this is my punishment, to spend the rest of my days alone in this wander. If it is that, it is what I must do and I can’t do anything about it.

I have done wrong…too many, but it is my price to pay. I gladly pay my debt, offering my generosity, sacrificing my happiness of finding the proverbial “the one” for it. It must be done, to guarantee a better life in the next.

So it be said, or at least that is what I think.

Traveling alone, the party of one is all that I can handle.

* * *

Don’t get me wrong. The concept of love, of finding the one is still in my heart and my consciousness. It’ll always be there.

I am a hopeless romantic by nature. It’ll always be there.

I have let that idea, let the yearning rule my life for such a long time now. It has brought me down, tore at my heart, and has this power over me.

But I think maybe I have grown up. Maybe I have grown to a have a better understanding of myself and realize that it is okay to traverse this world, this universe alone. I don’t need anyone; I don’t need to BE with anyone to make me happy.

Waking up, breathing. Waking up, knowing that my feet works. Waking up, being able to wander and see the world….that’s all I need.

Maybe there is a part of me that is in denial about my predicament. Maybe I actually do desire to find someone to share my joys with, to go on my many adventures, and to just BE with…but that is just a pipe dream right now.

It requires too much work, work I’m not willing to invest in.

C’est la vie. My life according to a procrastinator.

* * *

I do find that as each year goes by, a new layer of this onion has been unwrapped and I become refined….a better person. Maybe it’s just that I have a better understanding of who I am and what I do and do not stand for.

Maybe this ongoing journey is all I need. This constant need to better myself, to find myself after I have been lost for long…clouded by things that really doesn’t matter to me at all.

All of this baggage, all of this heartache, pain, earthly desires. Maybe that is just ruining things for me and getting in the way of what really matters.

…and that is to just be. To just live life, fulfilling any desires and yearning to live, to live a life according to your philosophies. My philosophies.

To grow up and see things as they are and not as how people portray them. Experiencing it and come to your own conclusions instead of going off of what someone says. Be. Live. Live a life according to you.

I don’t know. Maybe I just have a better understanding of myself, or maybe I just have a realistic understanding of life, but it does seem that life gets easier.

Maybe it is just the monotony of the day, the monotony of the life cycle, but things do seem to get easier.

Talking to people is easier. Socializing gets a little easier. Interacting with family gets a little easier.

Life in general is a little easier.

I know that this can’t be said for everyone and I know for sure that this can’t be said for the rest of my life. There will be bad times along with the good, it’s as definite as death and taxes, but I know in the end of everything, life will be worth living.

I just hope that I don’t waste it going in this snail’s pace that I’m going.

Maybe people do see me, carefree and not rushing. Enjoying the joys of this world while I can, living the moment and avoiding others until it is time to move onto the next phase in my life, whenever that will be.

I would like to think that this new phase would start soon, whether it is actually becoming an adult, being in a relationship, starting a family, and all that jazz, but I don’t know. I have no clue.

I’m just going to wait. Play it out as life unfolds before my eyes.

Planning will just hinder things and would just build up disappointment if plans fall through.

Play it by ear. Wing it. Life Unexpected. Life is a mystery until it is known, but it will just lead up to more mysteries.

Sigh.

Deep breath.

In out In out.

Life goes on and it is something that one shouldn’t be afraid of.

Face, tackle, hurdle, barge through any troubles that comes one’s way and just experience, absorb all that you can and just go for broke. Enjoy life.

Live life. Your rules and not some other person’s rules that doesn’t understand you. How can they understand you when you barely understand yourself?

Just be…Live free of any restrictions.

Free.

* * *

Reaching the new age, another year another year. I did what I know I do best and that is to be and venture off on my own. Not a care in the world, just exploring, seeing, and absorbing.

Walking the streets of my beautiful Beloved as I spend my special day exploring. How can I have no treated myself to something like this before?

It just seems as time goes by, I feel that I come across new traditions that I might do for myself. New treatments that I know that must be done or my life will feel incomplete.

This past year, my 30 felt as if it was the most productive year in my life. With all the traveling and creating that I have done, it broke up the year, making it seem full of adventures and excitement, which is true.

It also was the year when I found my old hobby again, perfecting and gaining more experience with pictures and photography.

I feel a little more complete now. There’s this wholeness to me that I have never felt before, with my camera in hand, seeing the world through my lens. I capture life that I have been missing; I capture the beauty that I have missed.

During this little excursion to Chicago, I did come to a conclusion on things. A little new philosophy in life that I should live by till my dying days.

Vacations.

Vacations should be taken. There is no excuse to take your vacations. It’s not a matter of taking them to relax or go off into a far off land. No, it’s not just only that. It is a vacation from your day to day work, a relaxation, a reboot of the mind and soul. It is a break from your mundane and doing something else, whether it is something more mundane or something as exciting as hiking, exploring, traveling, etc. etc. etc.

Vacations should always be taken.

So, here, as I so declared on the pages of the cara, I will take at least one vacation a year. On this vacation, I will spend without care. I will venture off into this adventure alone or with family. But it is a must, that there will be at least one vacation a year. If I don’t use up all of my vacation time, it will be carried over to the next year, which means a bigger trip.

I will try to see family at least twice a year….it’s always nice to go home and water your roots and see how things change. It is also a great barometer to see how you changed. Change is good, especially change for the better.

But for sure, at least one vacation will be taken a year.

This year, my 31st year, the year of 2010 will be no different. As I have taken on short vacation to my beloved and on a whim a more extravagant vacation is planned. A trip to Tokyo with my family.

* * *

Life.

It is falling into place. Things seem to happen without much effort. It goes on with relatively little pain.

Things are easier. Life is getting easier and that is how it should be.

Life.

It took me a long long time to heal myself. A long time and a long way…how I have changed over the past six years.

A gradual slow ascent into the shining brightness of light. The harsh dark shadows that I use to call home are no more, as the sun’s rays shine brightly. Life is happening.

It seems that my life is complete. There is no gaping hole that needs to be filled. None that is within my control.

There will always be pangs of pain and a small emptiness for the close losses in my life, but that is natural. That is beyond my control and it is only human to feel them. They will never go away, and I don’t think I ever will want them to go away.

Being numb to those pains makes me less of a human and I don’t want that. They are lifelong pains that I will endure because that is what love is.

Love.

* * *

My rants, my contemplations, my finger tappings of soul searching have becoming more and more difficult. Entries are lacking and are backed up and soon forgotten, leaving an emptiness that was once my therapy.

Maybe I’m fixed, or maybe I’m just on a sabbatical, but who knows.

Clearly this entry didn’t go as planned; quite different from my usual yearly diatribes of reflection and growth.

Maybe I just lost that knack, that part of my appendage that can come up with these thoughtful rhyme schemes with ease.

I don’t know, but I will always try…and hopefully I can do it again but without the pain and the shadows.

So, 31 31 31 31….I am 31.

It’s only been 14 days since I officially am in my thirties and it is already shaping up to something spectacular.

A trip to Tokyo is in the works. My drive up to Seattle with Pickles is still planned. Vacations, explorations, traveling galore.

It is a new year, I am a new number.

It is time again to start a new lesson in life. It is time again to peel off another layer of me. It is time again to pinpoint who I actually am. It is time again to….just live.

So here I am, another year older another year wiser.

Bring it on!

Here I am again, sitting at Volcano, waiting for my own inner eruption, but once again, my heart lies dormant, ready for sleep, hibernating in its eternal slumber of steady beats. Here I am, trying to collect my thoughts, my mind, my focus on the year that was, trying to get in sync with the Bah Humbug that I am quite comfortable with.

The year, stated before; past year as I correct myself, was the best year of my adult life.

Why?

For everything that I laid out not long ago. For everything that happened.

Sure there were many disappointments and hurtful events in this past year; from deaths in the family, to friends, to a major show of the lack of self control that I have, but all in all, all the good things that happened balanced things out if not tipping it in its favor.

Every year that I go on in this life is a learning experience. I learn. Whenever I can’t, should I even be here?

Whether it is just the minor things in life or new tricks or new habits, learning is habitually there to keep me interested, to keep me flowing. Without it, I won’t grow.

As I gone through the year, feeling comfortable with who I am, I still realize, as I do almost every day, that I still have a lot of growing up left to do in me. I can’t blame myself for that. I can’t blame anyone for that. It happens. No one is ever fully grown up and just perfect.

Everyone have their flaws that they try to hide or try to fix.

Being aware of them is the first step. Fixing them is the next step that might take the rest of your life, but as long as you work on them, that’s all that matters.

Working on my fears, my obstacles, my flaws. Working to be the better man that I am destined to be. Working to be the ideological perfection that will never happen. My whole life so it seems is to work towards being that man, that figment of my imagination, that person that I ultimately want to be.

The best in me.

It will happen. I see it. I catch glimpses of him coming in and out of his shell once in a while. I see him when I look into the mirror, the full potential that I can be, but am too afraid to become.

It’s been a long ways coming. It has been a hard arduous journey to get me to where I am today.

But as this year went, day after day, things got easier. Talking got easier. Ignoring got easier. Not letting things get to me became easier. Socializing, flirting, all got easier. A lot of things became easier because of this new found glory that is me.

I still have my faults, but compare my faults now to my faults 10 years ago, it is night and day.

I’ve come a long way, and I guess me, being 30, being settled and in all resemblance of things, fixed, it is how it should be.

Potential. It’s all there. It’s deep inside me, waiting to get out.

I hear it quite often, as people try to reaffirm the greatness that is me. I see it, but there are times that I don’t.

Not sure whether it is mynegativism or even just my natured self-deprecation. I’m not sure, but I am truly hard on myself.

I do hate myself if I fuck up. I harp on the negative, the things that I lose control over, the things that I fuck up on and never the good that I have done. I have done lots of good. Tons.

But, it’s always the negative, but for me, I should have known better. I truly, as a grown up, as a half-sane man, should have known better. Hence I am hard on myself.

I know, no one is perfect, but I should have known better.

I push myself, not trying to make mistakes, especially mistakes that I have made before, so I can be that man, that goodness that I know is in me so I just don’t disappoint anyone and even myself.

But hopefully, things will change. I take what I can from last year, learning what I did, and applying it to this year.

It’s a new start, as it is every year, and I’m looking forward to it.

2009 was memorable, the best, and hopefully 2010 can top it.

* * *

It’s the start of a new decade. The aughts are over and now starts the tens. Here’s to a new beginning.

Looking back again, 10 years. Looking back again from the start of this blog. Lots have changed in me.

I’ve experienced many things, fixed many things, loss many things, and gained so much more.

It’s been a balanced decade, a decade of gradual self appreciation, self love, growth of self esteem, and a steady growth of getting better.

2000.

I don’t even remember much from that year. 2000.

It was around that time that I really got into film, in terms of production. It was around that time that my heart, my soul started to reach out to my creative juices and want to do film.

It wasn’t until around 2001, early 2001, 9 years ago that I came to the decision that will take me to where I am now. I planned my move.

I had direction. I knew what I wanted to do and I wasn’t afraid of it.

I did it.

I moved right after graduation.

I never looked back. There are many things that happened in my life since then that sort of made me regret that decision, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

It started the much needed growing process, to leave that manic depressed state that I was in through highschool and college.

I got my wish, to be on my own, doing my own thing. Even then, it still wasn’t pretty.

It was still a tough learning process, trials and tribulations of mistakes and lessons learned.

I grew up a lot in these past 10 years.

I never knew where I would have been in 10 years. I don’t even remember if I knew where I would be in 10 years.

In interviews, I guess it was the whole film thing. Being naive, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?”

A director baby!

But, I just let life happen, passing me by and me not wanting to hop on the life express.

I was comfortable in my own cave, my own little world of being myself.

Not meeting people, not socializing, just going about life safe in my own bubble and doing whatever it is that I feel comfortable with.

I still do that to this day, but my bubble is getting better. My comfort level is getting wider.

Things change. Life change. Time changes, ticking by, checking itself off at the door and going onto another from now till eternity.

The never ending infinite of time.

Better.

Much better.

Doing better.

All things are better in my life. No more the constant piner and worrier. Just the whatever now. Always looking forward and letting certain things go in due time. No more of the constant harping that would usually last on and on.

Lessons learned and relearned as mistakes pop up again and again.

There’s nothing I can do about it. A lapse of judgment from a imperfect man, working on his perfection.

Let things go and breathe. Keep it in mind and move on. No one is perfect.

Relaxed and chill, even more so than what I was and that is saying something since I’ve always been chill.

Picking my own battles, knowing what it is that i need to change and fight on and things I can let go because really it isn’t that important.

Relaxed and relaxed.

10 years in my life has come by in a flash. Years don’t seem longer any more, but more of a flash because of how good is.

Maybe that’s where the whole term of slow down and enjoy life comes from, because when life is good, it just flashes before your eyes. You are experience new things, different things, things you actually enjoy, making the time fly by.

You are not harping or focusing on the negative, the bad, but just enjoying the what is. You don’t think about it and just experience it.

Life.

It is better, so much better.

Life is a constant progress of work and progress and I understand that and open myself up to that.

Living.

That is about the only place that hasn’t changed much in my life. My definition of living is just that, living, whereas others are more about experience, going out, enjoying life doing things. It is again, a matter of definition and perspective.

I live my life. Lots of time, it does pass me by, but in a way I choose to do it. It’s how I am.

I’m living the life that I comfortable with and other times, it just passes me by.

But I do admit, I do miss out on certain things that others would find normal. I guess in a way, that is something I do need to work on, broaden my definition of what life is. Be open to it, experience it. Live it — so to speak.

Never stop learning.

In another 10 years, things will change, life will change, perspectives and philosophies will change. More refined from what they are now, adding and subtracting new layers, perfecting the what and how and why you are the way you are.

I’m looking forward to that.

Not everything will be fixed by then, and some things will never be fixed ever, but it’ll be more bearable. It’ll hurt a little less.

I’m only human.

* * *

Here’s to my 2009, a distant memory as I start a new year, a new decade.

Open to suggestions and whatever the year brings. Open to new challenges and new learning experiences.

Just hoping to grow and learn as much as possible to fix myself even more, to be a better person.

2010.

Hoping for new adventures, new opportunities and new changes.

The tens.

Just hoping for something that will blow me away.

So, 2010, the tens, bring it on. I’m ready for you.

Sitting at the Tully’s, disappointed by the lack of internet, and just watching what’s left of the blanket of snow that was on the ground, I sip my horrible “vanilla latte” and just tap my fingers as I try to figure out what I want to say.

I’m at my second home again. My home, where I grew up and left all my troubles behind as I started to build a new life years and years ago. It feels different. Very different. Because again, it is not home anymore.

Staying in a beautiful new house with just my mom and my brother. Living in a new city where everywhere seems unfamiliar even though I’ve been up here and explored from time to time. Just a lot of different pieces that are gone from what I’m use to.

Coming back for Christmas. It just seems that is the only constant now and even that doesn’t seem a constant for it might change from year to year with different circumstances.

Gazing through the windows, watching the light traffic fly by in this cold and gloomy Sunday, I sit at ease, just thinking. It feels good. It feels right. The weather just sets the mood.

Since it is Christmas time, it only means one thing. A Bah Humbug to all as I sit here and try to type out my yearly diatribes of wisdom and knowledge that I came across this past year.

What can I say? It has been a year. Difficult and easy. A year that has gone by too fast; a blink of an eye and it is gone. Rereading what I wrote last year, what seemed so long ago, but it really wasn’t because everything I wrote in that one still seems so relevant and fresh.

2008. The year of big decisions.

I was presented with a dilemma last year. The possibility of quitting my job and moving home. That was the biggest decision that I have to make. It was huge, especially when I know I really wasn’t ready to do that. Even now, I doubt my readiness to move back here. I’m just not ready.

Luckily for me, I was able to find a new job. That preempted me to make that dreaded decision. I didn’t have to move home after all; just not yet.

Susan helped me get the job. Though I got the job in February of this past year, I applied for it, well at least to RPA way back in October when I was in China. She sent me an email regarding an IT position and I submitted my resume when I got back. But, it just took Blair a while to get back to me because of circumstances. I wasn’t holding my breath. I did have another option later in February.

I was fortunate enough to end things on a fairly ok manner at JGA. I didn’t have to lie to Michelle. The timing was just right as John laid it down that JGA was closing their Santa Monica office and moving it out to Chino. I wasn’t going to drive the fuck out to Chino to do my job, so Michelle just told me to start looking. What she didn’t know was that I had interviews lined up already during that time. Timing, right?

I maybe lucky after all.

Any who, I got my job and honestly, this has been the most stress free I’ve ever been in my life. Not much stress at all. I’ve wrote it in an earlier blog, but I’m working with IT people. They understand IT and the things that go with it.

Sigh.

It was a great decision I was forced to make. Needing to get a new job, because honestly, JGA was just a bad atmosphere. They just don’t appreciate or understand the basis of IT. I don’t know, maybe I am just a big complainer, but they just don’t have their shit together.

But knowing what is going to happen with JGA now, I’m glad I got the fuck out. FUCKING GLAD!

Sigh. Year of tough decisions.

It started out with trouble, me appearing at the end of something. Looking back, it was all bad timing. Maybe things would have been better if we met under different circumstances, no, if we met during different times in our lives. Just maybe.

I understand her position during the early time of our relationship, torn between us two. She loved him and he was there for her for the past couple of years. It was hard to leave and I had to be patient. Maybe it was just this that just strained the relationship so early on. There was a lot of distance between us early on I thought and I just couldn’t deal with it. It felt like she wasn’t there, but eventually it did get better. It did get much better and actually became really good.

As she made that break from him and was free to commit. Well, not commit. Free to just see me and not worry about him. But having been in a relationship for so long is it ever that easy of a break; that clean? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe that was the root of many of the problems.

She’s not to blame for the end of things. I’m not to blame for the end of things. I guess, obviously, we were both to blame for the end of things. Just the way life is, I guess.

I just needed space. I for some reason, being the hermit that I am, just needed my space. Maybe I just needed way more than I was given. It was hard, and I know this is a character flaw of mine, but I love my space and it was just difficult for me to see it slipping away.

It’s not that it was slipping away. No, it was more about being encroached on as we would spend more and more nights together. I know in the end, that is something that I will have to change in myself, to better myself, if I ever want to be iin a relationship again. I need to make that compromise. And I guess she wasn’t the one I was willing to compromise with.

There were many other issues that we had with each other. Things better left unsaid, things better left between us. But sadly, things just didn’t work out.

I am a knight, a paladin, gallant and chivalrous, always wanting to save, to fix. I did my best, but I can’t save anyone. It’s not my job nor my place. But I did try and that was my fault.

I shouldn’t have tried to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix. I couldn’t. I have no control over that. I can only help and was just blind to see that not everyone operates the same way as I do. I can repress things for the most part, or just fix them on my own, with time, slowly letting things go and just getting over it as I put my problems into words.

Looking back, there were many many great times. There were many times where I felt that she could be the one, that yes, I actually found someone that I can care for and just be with. She can always make me laugh. Even now, she can still make me laugh, being the smartass that she is. She can very well take it as she can dish it out.

We even met each other’s families for the most part. Grant it I was never in a relationship long enough to warrant such a thing per se, but she was the first girl I brought over to meet “family”. Granted it wasn’t my mom, but she met Great Uncle’s family, Sister and Gifu, Amy, Kent, and she met Hien and they all seem to get along fine. I’m sure if we were still together at that time, she would have met mom also. Sigh.

But, it just didn’t happen. There were just too many things between us.

After what happened between us, it was rough. Even now, she’s still in my thoughts. Maybe she’s in my thoughts because I actually do care about her, or maybe she’s in my thoughts because of the pang of guilt for what I did, but I don’t know.

Ending it was tough, but deep inside, my gut is telling me it is the right thing to do. The timing…just wasn’t right. She’s just not the one.

But as now, as we have reconnected, not as lovers, but as friends…or what feels like friendships, I’m glad. I’m glad that we’re able to do that, to maintain our friendship, to be able to do that. I’m glad and deeply thankful for it. ‘Cause, even though it doesn’t seem like it for what I did, I really do care about her. She’s a great person, who I want to see happy. Hopefully she is, and hopefully she can find that special someone that can give her what I couldn’t.

Sigh.

Tough decisions.

That was the toughest breakup I ever had to deal with. It was the most heart wrenching and the most draining. To hurt someone like that, to just cause them so much pain, I don’t think I ever want to do that again. It just makes me hesitant in getting into another relationship. Even now, though I know with certainty that I eventually will, but I don’t want to be in a relationship again just to avoid that. I hate making those decisions, but I had to. It was the best thing…for the both of us.

Never again, so I say. But being the realist, I know better.

Sigh. Tough decisions.

Maybe Kirsten is right. I’m just a little lost puppy who doesn’t know what I want. I see what I want right before me, but I just can’t go through with it and pursuit it because something is just holding me back. I can’t cross that line. Maybe I been there, starting something at the end of something and I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t know.

Maybe I just can’t do it because I don’t want to be the reason. Maybe she is looking for someone, keeping her options open, a backup plan in case things do turn south, I don’t know, but I don’t know if I can be there.

Speaking with others, they give me another viewpoint that I can see and understand, but I for some reason can’t do. It just doesn’t feel right. Just be there, hang out and maybe things will happen. But, should I even take the chance, let it go that far and take a chance.

I know my heart, as fickle as it is, I tend to obsess over things that I can’t have. I don’t know. But hanging out, it just feels nice, being able to talk to each other. It just feels good. But, honestly, I really don’t know. I don’t know much of anything anymore.

The feelings don’t feel as strong as they did the first couple of times that we hung out. Maybe it is because it was new and it was the only new thing that happened since my breakup and I am looking for it. Maybe it is because deep inside, she was untouchable, so there wasn’t much pressure in it. I don’t know, but things seem to have changed a bit. Ha…maybe I just over thought things and am just a jumble mess of feelings. Maybe I’m just keeping my options open.

I don’t know. It was a tough decision for me to just tell her that I am interested in her and that I can’t see her anymore. She understood, thankfully. At least she knows, right?

But things do feel a little different.

Sigh.

For the most part, it was a balanced year. A year no different than any year that came before. I was pushed and tried, needing to make the best of things and just slacking on everything else. It was a tough year, a year that tested my mettle, what I am made of.

Looking back, it was a year that made me stronger as a person. It was also a year that just left me yearning for more. More out of life, more out of my life. I just want more, because ultimately there is just more growing up that I need to do. Tons more.

I know that every year I learn new things about my life, slowly becoming a better and better person, man that I know that I am destined to be. This year is like any other stepping stone to the next level.

It was a balanced year of both good and bad. But nothing is ever that bad that it is devastating. I roll with the punches, needing to make the decisions that I needed to make and dealing with the consequences, both good and bad, for the decisions that I make.

Looking back at all of these years, these 29 years and 8 months of my life, lessons learned, goals achieved and failed, it’s all about choices and decisions. Do what you need to do with whatever decisions that are presented to you. Make the best one for yourself; make the best one that feels right and hope for the best.

There are parts of me that feel that I could have done more this year; that could have done much much more in my life, though I did do many things this year.

Being able to go to Yosemite again and hiking, not alone as usual, but with Hien, it was great. Granted it was cold and snowing at the top of Yosemite Falls, but it was a sight to see and something to experience. I’ll always remember it, being at the top of the falls and just walking in the snow. It was beautiful as it was breath taking. Though we didn’t get to see out into the Valley, it was still beautiful to say the least.

I will never forget driving up to Reno with my mom and brother and getting pulled over for driving too fast. All in front of my mom. There’s a first for everything right? But it was just good to go and just do things with family again. More family trips. I guess it is not a matter that I get to go places, ’cause I can always go anywhere. There’s nothing holding me back. It is a matter of going with them, because I really don’t get to see them that much, or do things with them as much anymore because I am a thousand miles away.

I was able to visit two brand new cities for me, Reno and the beautiful and lovely Chicago. My how much I love Chicago. Maybe I did go at the right time where the weather was nice, but it’s gorgeous with the skyline and the laid back nature. Plus the food. Any city where I can get “good eats” is a city I want to be.

Spending Thanksgiving with another set of family and just strengthening my bond with my cousins, well Cynthia and Aaron, was great also. I don’t know, as written before, spending the weekend up there with them, seeing them together, it just makes me feel less and less like an adult and more like a big kid. They’re in it, having talks and needing to make the tough decisions that will shape their lives in the future and each having to make compromises. Grant it that they are a lil’ older than I am, but still, so very grown up and mature.

Spending time with Julie and Phinney and their family in Portland, though it being only a evening, but it just felt good. That was one of the first times that Phinney and I talked about family and stuff, instead of just superficial stuff. It was just nice family bonding that I quietly yearn for. It was just great being with their kids and just spending the day with Julie and just talking about life and shit. Just nice.

It just makes me wonder what the hell am I doing with my life. What am I doing with my life? Just wandering listlessly going here and there doing my own thing, taking no responsibilities on things that don’t matter to me. I don’t know. It just makes me realize how much growing up I have left to do in me.

I’m going to be 30 in the next few months. Yes, it’ll be another year older, another year wiser and all that blah blah bullshit, but I’ll be 30. Many people mark it as a time to see what they have accomplished in their life and I tell myself that it won’t be the case. It’s not…but I will be 30.

Different people live different lives and do different things, so there is no use to compare my life to other people and see what they have accomplished at the age of 30. It’ll just make me depressed to see that they have accomplished more than I did. It will and why would I do that to myself. My masochistic days are over.

30.

In a way, I am looking forward to my thirties. 30 is the new 20, so goes the saying. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am right. I don’t feel like an adult at all and maybe that is it. Like I said in a earlier post, the 29 I feel this past year doesn’t feel like the 29 that my parents gone through. They felt more adult, felt more together, felt more responsible than my slacker habits and live for myself attitude.

Bring on my thirties. Maybe I’ll be more proactive in my life, as I just grow up and focus. My twenties are over, my teens are over, playtime is over and now it is the time to just buckle down and focus on the things ahead of me while taking it one day at a time.

Maybe my life will be the same in my thirties as it was in my twenties, but maybe it will be different, very different. Setting out goals like I do every year and actually working towards them. Be less indecisive and just decide on something dammit and just do it.

Just maybe.

I know I still have four months before this all happens, but I just can’t wait.

It’s funny how the year of tough decisions is finally ending and I still have a tough decision to make on my final days. The decision to just change my life. Again, this year tested my mettle. It made me see what I am capable of and ultimately what I am not. I know what I can and cannot do. There are many gray areas also, but I guess they are decisions left for another time; a decision for when I am ready to make them. I’m just not ready yet to do them.

Along with the tough decisions, 2008 was a year that made me realize, made me see with more clarity that I still have a lot of growing up left to do. There is a lot more maturing left in me.

I kid with everyone that I am an old man that I was born old, but you are never too old to learn new things and get older. I know I am old, but I am young in years with a lot more learning and growing and maturing left in me. Something I look forward to and wait with open arms as it will make me a better person. It will make me a better man. It will make me a man that can look at his reflection in the mirror and be proud of the man looking back at him.

It is also fitting, at the end of the year, watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button I realize that living backwards is the only way to go. To be unafraid, to be young and go head on in life though it may be limited with the time you have left in this world. Life is long, but time is short. My life is limited to do the things that I want to do. Live without regret. Live life to the fullest. Live. Just do the things I want to do and explore and see things. Do things. Live.

Live.

I’m an old man. I was born old. I’m an old soul. There are many aspects where I am still a kid at heart. I’m not going to lose that. Live like I’m young, carelessly, unafraid. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes and live without regret.

There were many years…a year of change, a year of growth, a year that I will never forget, and a year of tough decisions. What year will 2009 bring? I don’t know, maybe the year of living?

All I know is that with each year, I get older, wiser, learning new things and making mistakes. I’ll take everything and apply it to the next year, preparing me for the blank canvas that is before me, ultimately painting the masterpiece that is my life.

2009, what will you bring me?