Classes are over.

Submitted my Advanced SQL final a few days ago and I’m ready to chill. I’m going to take a week or two off before I get back to the outstanding Python class and then start something new.

The next few classes will be online classes through EDX or some other online school. No UCLA on the agenda for the next few quarters. I need to know when I’m not traveling so I can be available to go into class if needs be. I’m not worried about classes where they are free, but if I’m paying for UCLA Extension classes, I should be available.

I wasn’t too worried for the Intro to SQL because I knew SQL.

These days.

It’s all about being better and learning more. I have a lot riding on this big project. I want it to help the agency. I want to help everyone involved and make their work easier. It’s all about efficiency.

Let’s do this.

Again, if it works, maybe I can pivot into a different role within the agency and change my day to day from SharePoint to more of a data science field. I’m working towards it.

Work.

It’s taking over my life, but it’s a good take over. I feel important. I feel like I’m doing something a little different and learning new things and making an effort to be a better person.

Work.

Work.

2019.

We’re a good 2.5 months in and in a month, it’ll be rolling another number.

It’s a year of change.

I can already see it. I can already feel it.

Change.

Positivity.

Being better.

Change.

There’ll be a lot of change, as I gear up for 40.

It’ll be a new phase in Adulthood.

It’ll be a new phase in live.

A few weeks ago, I had a weird dream that was about the change.

My car was wrecked. Totaled and I don’t know how it got that way.

I don’t remember much of the details of how my car got wrecked. I don’t remember driving. I don’t remember if it was even my fault.

All I remember was me walking around my car looking over the damage. The whole time surveying the car, I kept thinking that I have to have a fucking car payment now.

I kept thinking about money and how it’s going to affect my life. I was worried about money.

Usually when I wreck my car in the dream, I’m usually the one driving. It’s usually me driving a manual transmission, which I know how to drive, but am not a pro at. My life is out of control. The car, my life, is under my guidance, and I couldn’t control it and I flip and damage the car.

I usually wake up or move onto the next dream after the wreck. I don’t see the car. I don’t see the aftermath. All I know is me in my car, upside down. I done fucked up.

This dream was very different. I don’t remember being behind the wheel. I don’t even think I was the one driving.

I survived. I see the aftermath of the damage. I’m surveying it. My life, over.

I need to get a new life and it’ll be expensive. It’ll put me in debt.

My life. It’s over.

I have a new one.

Very interesting.

Change.

Endings.

Beginnings.

2019.

40.

Just around the corner.

A new me.

A better me.

A different me.

Change.

Me.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a happy hour. Went to one on Thursday.

It was for Nikki’s going away. I think she was the first one on my shit list. She’s going to some digital agency doing social media for some biotech or something. No idea, but I had an interesting conversation with her.

Confidence.

Intimidating.

I see myself in a different way than how most of my peers see me.

I have two dichotomous personas. One is my normal day to day when I’m by myself and not at work. The other is my work persona.

Everyone knows my work persona. They see me as the angry social butterfly that I tend to be at work.

I see myself as the boring quiet hermit that has no friends.

Many see me as the smart, confident, sometimes intimidating guy who knows his shit.

I’ve been hearing a lot from many people that they like my fuck people philosophy and directness and forwardness.

I do believe, fuck people, ’cause fuck people. They’re the worse.

And honestly, I just don’t like bullshit. Just fuck the bullshit and get to the truth of everything. Don’t beat around the bush, be direct and tell me what you want. I ain’t got no times for games.

I ain’t got no time for social decorum.

I found it a little funny that N-Funka told her boy that she liked me and that I spoke to her soul.

Fascinating.

But, it’s good to see and hear that people like me for who I am.

I guess it’s always nice to be liked.

Here’s to be liked.

Wet.

Still wet.

We had a break there for a few days, but it’s back again.

Wet.

Rain.

Another storm moves through SoCal.

Hopefully it’ll be the last one and we can get back to the California weather that I take for granted.

I just don’t like the cold, but it is warming up.

This past February was the coldest February in over 70 something years. It never reached 70 degrees.

How about that?

Global warming? Fucking damn straight you fucking deniers.

Misting.

Wetness.

It’ll be over soon.

Fucking Dell and its battery issues.

It is what it is. I can deal with it until it is time to get a new laptop.

My life consists of nothing but work and alone time.

There’s a little socializing sprinkled in as I go about my day at work, but overall, it’s a good balance of people and solitude.

I have my little weekend routine of figuring out what to cook, getting groceries, coming out to Volcano to either do school work, online classes, or writing.

Then I’ll head home and be a hermit, continuing with school work or being a potato.

Life.

On my own terms.

Life.

Balance.

Recharge.

That’s all that I can ask for at the moment.

Life.

I go about my life doing what I need to.

It’s a life that I’m comfortable with and I don’t know. There might be change in the future. I’m open to it, if it is right.

If not, then what’s the point?

Sedona.

Finally booked my trip.

All is set and locked. I just need to do research and figure out exactly what I’m going to do.

Special Weekend.

I can’t wait.

Alone.

Nature.

Hiking.

The beautiful red rocks of Arizona.

I’ve always wanted to go back ever since I drove through it back in 2012 with Pickles.

Life just got in the way as did other trips and plans.

Now is the time.

Now is the moment.

No more waiting.

Sedona. It’s on.

It’ll be a trip without Pickles.

We’ll have to take another more dog friendly trip later. It’ll be a road trip of exploring a city that we’ve never been.

Let’s see how that goes.

No Pickles.

The trails and parks aren’t dog friendly.

Pickles is at an age where he can’t really hike that much anymore, even if the trails are friendly.

Getting old sucks.

School.

Classes.

What’s next?

I think I’m going to take a break from UCLA and do online classes next. I’m more concerned about missing class for the vacation than anything else and I think I need a break.

I prefer to go at my own pace at the moment as I try and settle into online classes.

Maybe during summer quarter, I’ll get back on for something.

Also, I’m not sure what classes are available next quarter anyway.

But, yes, I’m not giving up on my education just yet. Just taking a small break from the paid classes.

It’ll help with work.

I know it well.

There are a lot of data initiatives that are going on and I want to help. I want it to be something that I do.

I want to pivot away from some of my current responsibilities.

Let’s see how that goes.

Data Science

It’s where it’s at.

Relaxation.

Zen.

Art.

I haven’t done any.

I’m in the middle of a self-portrait and life just got in the way.

The SQL class is kicking my ass and I’m just lazy at work.

Life.

Maybe it is the weather.

Rain.

Gray.

Too much like home.

Maybe I’ll do it tonight and start my reading tomorrow so I can take the SQL quiz. Let’s do that. I need a break from everything and just Zen out.

I want to finish this portrait. It’s going to be ugly.

It’s going to be bad.

I still need practice and hopefully by next year, I can do another portrait and compare how things are.

Ambitious.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my art work to be.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my skill set to be.

I need to be a little more patient.

I need to be a little more lenient.

Skill takes time.

Mastery takes time.

I just got back into it for the past couple months after years away from doing anything fine art related.

Patience.

Have better expectations of how things should be.

I’ll take another crack today at my nose and mouth.

I can do better.

Rain.

Mists.

Another wet day.

Another rainy day.

Just checked the forecast for the next week and there’s more rain on the way.

Fun.

Looking forward to it.

I know I miss the rain, but I do miss the sunshine.

Ugh, maybe I am becoming or have become a true Californian.

Probably not.

It’s been a few weeks. Here I am.

I wasn’t gone or procrastinating but wanted was busy with school and sql.

I wanted to do my tests and finish any online classes that I was taking.

Looking over all the classes I’m currently taking, the Power BI class will definitely lapse as I learned as much as I can in terms of the usage of the software. There are limitations of what I want to do in terms of being able to share content with the agency. We need additional licenses for it. I’ll figure something out.

The second Python class is nearing its end. I’m so behind on that, the class closed, but I still have access to all the material and tests and practice. I haven’t put much thought into it yet. I will once I get this SQL class over. It’s more important. It’s tough.

Then, I’ll get on the PowerApps class as I figure out what class to take next at UCLA. I’m into this continuing education thing. It’s good for me.

New skills. New growth.

Let’s continue.

I’m taking a little break from my SQL test as I jot this little note down. It’s been a while and I wanted to get my finger tapping again. I need to. Maybe it’ll help me figure out Question 2.

Fuck Question 2.

Just fuck it.

Fuck work.

Not going to write about work.

Just fuck it.

Apologize.

That came up again today.

Weird. Co-ink-a-dink.

The first song that came on was Apologize by that one group that I’m too lazy to look up and now Rihanna came up with Take A Bow and one of the first lines is Don’t apologize…

Apologies.

I don’t have any to give. I don’t have any one to apologize to. Maybe to myself, but that is an everyday thing.;

Let’s get back to this. Let’s get back to me in a different way.

2019.

The new Phong. The new me.

I decided to be a little more positive this year. Looking at the bright side. It’s a battle.

I’m making an effort to not be grumpy and to not let work things get to me.

It’s a struggle some days.

I had a bad one the other day. Nothing was working. I couldn’t figure out some logic on Flow as things are broken.

Sigh.

Fuck it.

Positivity.

It’s definitely a change in outlook. It’s definitely a change in lifestyle.

Being a realist comes so easy. It is what it is.

Positivity takes some training.

It takes some practice.

Along with the positivity, I’m making an effort to be a little more social and a little nicer.

A new childlike playfulness was a result.

For example, before I would grunt or don’t even acknowledge people that would say hi to me. Now, I’ll over enthusiastically say hi and great them and talk to them.

Sure, a part of it is that I’m fucking with them, like I was fucking with them when I was ignoring them. I’m fucking with them in another way.

I can’t deprive myself of fucking with people, can I? It’s what brings me some sense of joy.

We all should have a little enjoyment and fun every day. This is mine.

I’m not a total dick about it…but I am.

Some find it endearing…for some reason.

Sigh.

It’s almost a month-and-a-half of this positivity. Let’s see how long it’s going to last.

I think it’ll be a permanent thing. Sure, I’ll have some bad days, but overall, it’ll be good.;

It’ll be good.

Life.

It’s going.

Another Chinese Year down and another just started.

It’s the Year of the Pig, the earth Pig, like mom.

It’s usually never a good year for the person with the same Zodiac sign. I hope mom will be okay this year without any major mishaps. I have faith.

For my fellow Rams and Sheeps, it supposed to be a good year this year.

It seems to be shaping up that way. See, positivity.

The positivity helps. The stress level at work is still there but seems to be more manageable. A little bit better.

Things will be better. Definitely will be better.

I spent New Year’s Eve at Great Aunties with Uncle Joe and the family. It was great being there and seeing everyone again. The celebration was subdued of course because of Great Uncle’s passing, but it was much much needed family time.

The day before I went to Whore’s wedding with the new guy. I don’t even remember him. Apparently, I met him for like a few minutes. I had no impression of him. He never left one.

It was a small quiet ceremony.

It was what it was and now, I have Nick’s wedding to go to and then no more?

Yay.

It is February and it is the month of lovey dovey love.

Bah humbug!

Bah humbug indeed.

Positivity!

It’s cold. Wet.

The wind blows its easy breeze.

It’s weeks like these that reminds me of home home. Dark skies and everything is wet.

The wind pierces the body and chills to the bone.

The California artificial cold spell inside blows down on me, chilling me even more. I know I should have learned my lesson and move to a different table as I tell myself time and time again, but I’m stubborn. I like the window.

I like the views.

But this draft kills me every time.

EVERY. DAMN. FUCKING. TIME.

It kills.

Dead.

Another storm moves down on us. More rain in our future. The next few days.

Wet.

Wetter.

Wettest.

If I had to choose, I would choose the snow over this wetness.

There’s a Snowmageddon up in Seattle now. It’s so bad, there’s a state of emergency.

Buses and snow plows slide down the steep hills of Seattle.

Blizzard conditions.

Cold and frozen.

I think I would much prefer that then what we have here.

I wouldn’t be driving. I’d be walking. Metro.

Commuting.

Driving would be limited. Groceries will be limited, but I’d make it work.

I’d make it work.

Cold.

Wet.

Chilled to the bone.

You ain’t no friend of mine.

Tired. Sick.

Still fucking sick.

I can’t believe it.

It started Monday morning and it blossomed into something more.

I took Monday and Tuesday off because I know that I can’t be sick during Uncle’s ceremony and funeral.

Adulting.

It’s about making the big decisions in life.

Adulting.

I had to do it.

It was needed time off, I guess, but I wish I was a little more productive.

But I wasn’t.

I managed to do some work during those two days, but not enough.;

Now, I have a backlog of development to do, but hey, I’m cool as a bird about it.

Cool as a bird.

It was a rainy week.

One of the rainiest weeks in the past few years. It dropped about 5 inches of rain and it happened during the week of Uncle’s funeral.

Overall, the funeral went well. It went smoothly. Nothing out of the norm.

I picked up mom, uncle and auntie from the airport early Wednesday morning and we went directly to the temple, where we stayed for the remainder of the day.

I didn’t get home until 11 at night.

I had to board Pickles because I knew I won’t be home, and I can’t drive home to take him out.

Adulting.

It was a week of adulting.

I had to help 7th Uncle-in-Law run some errands and that was my role at any of these things. I’m on hand to help.

It was a cold day. It was a rainy day.

Cold. Wet.

But it was worth it.

I haven’t seen that side of the family in way too long and it’s unfortunate that this is the reason why I was seeing them again. I was hoping that it would be Chinese New Year’s, but alas, it wasn’t the case.

I’ll be there this year. I made a promise to Great Auntie.

I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with her.

Heartbroken.

Guilty.

More later.

The day of the burial was fine. I had to change my plans because of 14th Uncle and the weather, so we got the cemetery early and didn’t really know where the site was.

Thankfully I found the caravan again.

I did my duty. I was on hand to help.

I passed out the Leisee — the lucky red envelopes.

I had to, not because I was told to, but again, it’s my role. It’s my duty.

It rained hard that morning. It cleared up a bit as Uncle’s casket went down. Then the rain cleared up.

Fitting.

Very fitting.

It was a sad week. The world was crying at his loss and when he was laid to rest, the world rested, as did we all.

Over.

The rest of the afternoon was chauffeuring everyone around after lunch to get their precious dried seafood: sea cucumbers and fish maw.

Then we went back to Great Aunties and chilled.

Man, the guilt I felt when Great Auntie saw me. She missed me so much and thought about me all the time, wondering why I haven’t visited in so long.

Heartbroken.

Pain.

My heart hearts.

I felt so bad.

I’ll try and make more of an effort to go visit this year.

Work should be slowing down and less stressful.

Keeping positive this year.

Keeping things at bay and being handled.

It’ll be good.

It’ll be great.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leislie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leslie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

2019.

Here we are.

The first post.

I originally planned on picking up where I left off on my python class, but I woke up with a headache and decided to just write instead.

It’s so early. What is there to write? What is there to talk about?

Mind flickers.

Dreams.

I know that I wrote about my dreams before and about exactly what I’m going to chat about now, but it’s worth mentioning.

I don’t think much about my dreams anymore. I don’t remember most of them. Some days I do. Others, not so much.

I wake up and pay them no mind.

It’s not like when I was younger when I kept a dream journal and would remember my dreams in great detail.

Now, they’re a fading memory in the morning mind-rush to fight off sleep and wake.

I remember a few dreams I had last night.

Details of one, not so much. The other, some vague details.

I remember I’m driving my car or parked somewhere. I was just chilling. Don’t remember why I’m there, but I’m there.

A group of very young girls decided to just get in my car and now they refuse to leave. I’m being nice and they’re being flirty and they refuse to leave. Not sure why they won’t leave or why they decided to get into my car, but they are there. Not sure why they are flirting with me either.

I got out of the car and I think a teacher, or someone is trying to get them out of my car.

I see some dude on the street who I know, and I catch up with him and am genuinely having a good time catching up.

Nothing special.

Nothing really mind blowing.

Why am I writing about my dreams?

Well, I wouldn’t mind remember my dreams more and maybe get back to interpreting them again Maybe.

No, I just find dreams fascinating, especially how they compare to how my dreams were when I was younger.

I know I wrote about this before, but it bears repeating, man, the dynamics of the dreams changes so much based on what’s going on in your life.

It’s fascinating.

I’ve come so far in my dreams.

Here I am interacting with people. Having conversations, fights, being a presence in their lives.

Before, when I was younger, in high school and college, I was so lost in my life. Never felt that I fit in anywhere or still trying to find who I am and my place in this world.

I would go through my dreams by myself, lost in a sea of people. I would not interact with anyone or I always felt I was lost or being chased.

Not so much anymore.

I know what I’m going.

I know where I’m going.

I have direction.

I have agency.

I am.

I be.

I’ve come so far in my life.

Nearly 40 and comfortable in my skin.

I know who I am down to my core and there’s always definitely more room for growth.

So much has changed in my life.

I’ve grown so much.

Many of my struggles and demons that I fought way back when are no longer. Some are still there.

I have new ones.

Life.

I see.

I look at things with a different eye. Well, not so different, just a familiar eye that I haven’t used in a long time.

I looked at things a little differently when I was actively shooting pictures for my 365 projects.

I’m back at it and now I’m adding digital art to it.

On my walks I look at the trees, buildings, things with an eye for shading, color, composition, and other aspects.

It’s good. It’s been a while since I started to look at things like this.

It brings me back to a calmer time in my life when I felt my creative juices flowing.

It’s great to be back.

Since I’ve gotten the new laptop and started to do digital art, I have finished a few pieces and learned more about the software that I’m using.

I created an Flickr album for it.

I said I was going to post about 10 pieces for 2019. Judging by the rate I’m going, it might be a lot more.

This seems like my new obsession. This is like me baking bread again where it’s all that I do and all that I focus on.

Art.

Making art.

Fine art.

It’s good to be back.

It’s good to see that I am making some progress.

I have such high hopes and ambitions on how good I get.

Let’s see where I end up.

The last one I did of Pickles: Lay Doggy Lay: Sports Night took me three nights to do. I have about 15 minutes on the season 1 finale.

The pieces before were done in one night, one sitting, besides the Majestic Fucking Mountains because I watched the tutorial video while doing the painting.

It’ll take more time with each piece. They’ll finish when they finish.

I have the rest of the year to do 9 pieces.

Time shouldn’t be a constraint.

I want to do pieces that are specific to a different type of art style or different type of discipline.

I did an Impressionism work. I did a Bob Ross type of painting. I’ve done one with “oil painting”.

I want to do some charcoal drawings. I want to do watercolor.

I want to do so much.

So so much.

I’ve started to gather some creative inspiration in a OneNote to give me some ideas to do.

Art.

It’s meditation.

It’s a new way to keep mindfulness.

I’m not thinking about much of anything besides the art work that’s before me.

It’s calming.

My brain turns off and focuses on each stroke, each line.

It’s Zen.

I don’t know why, but I decided to title my pieces along with the movie or show that I was watching at the time when I was doing it.

For example: Fucking Color – Infinity War

It was my first real attempt. I didn’t know what I was doing. I mainly was me fucking around with the software and the tool to learn how the layers work. It was to learn the different brushes and see what it does.

I had Avengers: Infinity War playing in the background while I was doing it.

When I finished, I just added it to the title, and I guess that’s the thing that I’m going to do with it.

Art.

Peaceful.

Zen.

Looking forward to doing more.

2018.

I appreciate your sense of humor.

I really do.

One last fuck you to end it all, huh?

After I told you I was going to tempt the Universe.

One last fuck you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I lost my wallet.

Not sure where it went.

Did a deep cleaning yesterday and by the end of it, gone.

I dug through the garbage.

Nothing.

Dug through the recycle bins.

Nothing.

Drawers.

Cabinets.

Nothing.

C’est la vie.

Fuck it.

Sigh.

2018.

You’re good.

You’re good.

I like you humor.

One last fuck you.

Good.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll definitely be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll definitely be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m definitely getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all of the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to temp fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them and they’d usually have collared greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all of the fixings, but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and Zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to tempt fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them, and they’d usually have collard greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all the fixings but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

2018.

Well. Here we are. The end.

This is my second shot at this.

2018.

Take two.

I wrote a bit yesterday during my usual bah humbug to all, but it got fucked over.

Laptop died.

My fault. Water damage. Tea damage.

2018.

Another casualty.

2018.

I’m glad to be rid of you.

2018.

Here I am, again, now writing from home.

I hope I can replicate what I wrote yesterday, but who knows?

New day.

New start.

2018.

Let’s roll.

A Bah Humbug to all.

* * *

2018.

It was a continuation of 2017.

It’s like 2017 never ended.

Time.

Space.

2018.

Work.

Work took the most of the finite time that was 2018 and took up the most space.

I strive for a great work-life balance and I do have it. I’m not going there and bitch about it. I do have a great work-life balance, but this past year seemed the most imbalance in quite some time.

The past few years had been The Year of Phong. This past year was no different.

I’m still alone, living my life on my terms continuing in this tradition of party of one with no end in sight, but if I would give this year a new title, it’ll be: The Year of Responsibilities and Advancement: A Work Story.

2018

The Year of Responsibilities and Advancement: A Work Story.

Work.

It’s all about work.

I ended last year working through the break, migrating our Social Bridge sites and files over to SharePoint.

Finished, we started the year off with it being our tool of choice for work, storage, and collaboration.

Users were on boarded onto the system and overall it works. Documents shared. Collaboration flowing.

When SharePoint works, it works, but there are issues that we’ve been experiencing that was the biggest stressor within 2018.

We share too much.

Which almost killed our SharePoint.

2018.

Stress.

Work.

I’m the face of the platform. When there are issues, I’m the one to point fingers at. It’s my responsibility.

My stress leveled out and reached a manageable level as we created a new Developer position for SharePoint. He quit, but we found a replacement.

Now he’s the one that’s tackling the speed issue as I take a step back. He’s the one with the skillset to make things work.

Pivot.

Responsibilities.

Shift.

Work.

I hope we get this issue fixed.

2019.

Treat us better.

2018.

Besides SharePoint and my other duties, I somehow got drafted into a new project which I’m actually excited about.

It’s different.

The Data project.

I’m so invested in it that I’m actively furthering my education. I went back to school for it.

Data.

Big Data.

It’s the future.

It’s where the industry is going. It’s where everything is going.

Hopefully I’ll get some advancement and possibly pivot my responsibilities to the project and slowly shift out of Microsoft and SharePoint.

It all started because I got drafted and then I made a business decision that will help our team.

2019.

I hope for something new and fun.

I hope to return to more balance.

* * *

2018.

School.

An education.

Not just an education, but a continuing education.

I went back to school. I’m a student again and I have another class coming up next year.

It stemmed from work, but overall, I think it was more of a natural progression of want to work my brain, wanting to learn more.

I’ve been thinking more about my future and with work and all that is happening with new responsibilities and new projects, it just made sense that I get a formal education on these new advancements of technology.

I went back to school to learn SQL and Database Management. I need it. I may be the point person and the administrator of the new system for our RAI team.

I made that decision. I’m covering my ass.

2018.

A student.

I never thought I’d be a student again. I never thought about going back to school to get my Masters or a Doctorate. I didn’t know what I would go back to school for. It’ll be a waste of money since I didn’t know and I don’t want to be in debt.

But now, I see the light. I’m protecting my future.

School.

A student.

I enjoy it.

I’m using my brain again. I made an effort to better myself and to secure a better future.

2018.

Every year, I’ll say that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing.

It’s important to learn, to continue to obtain new knowledge.

It’s healthy.

Growth.

Besides the extension classes at UCLA, I still have a few online classes that I need to take and finish.

All for work.

All to be better.

2019.

I’m look forward to new skills and more knowledge.

* * *

Take three.

A new day.

A new laptop.

I’ll finish up this current bah humbug on this temporary Google Doc before going back to the old fashion way of doing things. Just not use to it.

So, here we go.

2018.

What a shit show.

* * *

2018.

I winds down.

Another day down and just a handful left to go.

Brain fried.

Tired.

That seemed to be a anthem for the year. Tired.

Fatigue.

My brain, drained of anything worthwhile after a busy day of work.

I don’t want to do anything.

Eat.

Unwind.

Become a vegetable in front of the television as I drift in and out of consciousness trying to pay attention to the shows that I’m watching.

Maybe I’m bored with the shows I’m watching, or maybe I’m drained, but there’s no focus at home.

I retreat into the darkness of my apartment, on my futon, not thinking and yet thinking at the same time.

Such a contradiction.

By 10 I’ll already be in bed, unwinding on the ipad catching up on news that I’ve already read and then memes.

My brain doesn’t have the capacity to read anymore.

I’ve been on Stephen King’s It for more than a year.

Brain fried.

No energy or focus.

Nothing seeps in.

I wish I could go back to reading at night again. Maybe that’s something to work on in the new year.

Reading.

Books.

Stories.

I miss them.

Let’s work on that.

Get my brain going. Ignore this fatigue.

I know it’s a new normal for the past year, year-and-a-half because of work, but I hoped that I would have adjusted by now.

It’s not the case.

2018.

Such disappointment here.

Let’s change it. Make a new normal.

Let’s go back to the old days where I’m able to sit in bed and read for hours.

There are too many books to read. I don’t have time to just let my brain die from exhaustion.

I need a little creativity in my life.

Reading.

Here’s to 2019.

* * *

Projects.

2018.

Not existent.

There were no creative projects this year.

No cooking projects.

No writing projects.

That Christmas Movie idea? Still stewing in my mind.

I thought about it and took some notes, but nothing much have came out of it.

Work got in the way.

Work.

Imbalance.

Brain fried.

No creative juices that flow.

Just a thick sludge of stagnation.

My creative mind dies.

I know a lot of it was due to time and how I manage my time. There were times when I thought I’d do some writing but I focused on my online classes instead.

Python.

Learning.

That took a forefront this past year. My focus shifted and hopefully in the new year, I’ll find a better balance.

Creativity.

Let’s get the juices flowing.

I’m thinking of doing another 365 with the iPhone. I don’t want to commit with the DSLR. Go simple.

Cooking.

I didn’t do a cooking project this year, but it didn’t stop me from cooking new things.

I’ve done a tonkotsu ramen and korean army stew and beans and rice. I’ve taken pictures of the things that I haven’t done before and I think I’ll continue to do the same.

I may start up another cooking project. 30.

Let’s do it.

Writing.

Let’s see how that goes. I’ll always have this and its entries. Maybe I’ll be a little more sporadic since I want to focus on schooling and more creative writings.

I need creative outlets.

Looking forward to it.

Let’s get back to creating.

Let’s get back to making.

* * *

2018.

Wanderlust.

Travel.

Trips were small this year.

Personal.

Short.

There were a few work trips mixed in to the regions and one to NOLA for the Tableau conference.

I wished I did more traveling.

I wished I did more hiking.

I needed to recharge. I needed nature.

I got some.

Not enough.

Looking back at the pictures, it seemed that I did a few trips.

It started with Yosemite in February. It was my first break from work. A real vacation. Short, but something.

Then it was my special weekend. Short and relaxing.

I forgot my trip to Bishop and the Eastern Sierras. It’s another place that I need to go back and visit. More hiking.

More nature.

Of course, I had the roadtrip during the summer home.

I miss road trips. I need more.

More traveling.

2019.

Just more.

I know of at least two trips. My usual special weekend and the big Spain trip.

2019 will bring flexible time off.

 

Unlimited Time Off.

 

I know I’ll have about six weeks off if I go by the amount of time I have available. I’ll use that as my basis.

Six weeks.

Let’s make something happen.

Let’s get out, chill, slow down, relax.

Wanderlust.

Traveling.

I’ll go wherever my feet will take me.

The world is my playground and I’m ready to play.

2019.

Bring it.

2018.

Thank you for all of the different trips you allowed me to make.

* * *

2018.

My loves.

My furkids.

Pickles.

Relish.

Pickles & Relish.

They both had a good year.

After last year’s trauma with Relish, she’s been in the house not exposed to anyone but Pickles.

No Chutney’s or strange dogs.

She’s back to her normal self roaming around and being her bitchy self from time to time.

Pickles.

He’s old.

He’s a troublemaker.

Pickles had some health issues this past year. I found out that they food that he was eating was causing him some stomach issues.

Now, he has peeing issues.

Old age.

I took him on our usual Boy and His Dog trip this year. Overall, he did well, besides that bout of diarrhea at the house, but other than that, he was fine.

I took him on a few hiking trips and realized that he’s too old and tired to make it. He can’t handle anything that strenuous anymore.

He needs something more simple, flatter.

Pickles. My old man.

My old son.

Besides the peeing issue, he’s in good health.

I’m making an effort to preserve him as long as I can.

I’m making an effort to preserve the both of them as long as I can.

2018.

Thank you for giving them a decent year.

No emergencies.

No trauma.

2019.

Bring it.

* * *

2018.

People.

Socializing.

Pro-Solitude.

It was unlike any of the past recent years.

Again, it was another Year of Phong. It was a lonely year, back to basics.

I did whatever I wanted.

On my own terms.

I socialized when I wanted to. I tried to keep up the Year of Yes, agreeing to outings that I get invited to.

There wasn’t many this past year, especially the second half.

I made an effort.

I go out when I wanted to.

I socialized around the office.

I get all that I need so that when I go home I can shut myself in.

Like any other year, friends, people, they come and go.

Some I reach out to, hoping that we can keep in touch and others I just let go.

That’s a part of life.

Making an effort, I guess.

Hopefully I can make more of an effort next year.

Hoping.

* * *

2018.

Family.

Surprisingly, it was a very family oriented year.

It wasn’t something that I was expecting, but I saw a lot of family this year.

Mom and bro are both doing great.

Although we didn’t get to hang out much during the summer on my trip back, we did get to do a Napa trip together after the wedding.

It was great to see him enjoy the wine and have his own tastings. He got fucked.

I went to two weddings this year.

One was Annie’s wedding this past October. Saw a lot of aunties and uncle there. It was good to see everyone and hang out with everyone.

The other was Loretta’s mini tea ceremony and banquet way back in June. It was a shit show, but it was great seeing them. I had a great time at their house when I was up during the summer too.

She’s one of the closes cousins that I have. Nothing will change that.

I actually saw Gifu’s family twice this year. One for Loretta’s banquet and the other was for Chinese New Years.

I made a stop on my way to Yosemite.

Philly.

Moorestown.

I saw the east coast family too.

It started when Linda and Sung flew out here during the summer. I spent a day with them.

I stayed with them when I was out in Moorestown for work.

Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. It was just great seeing them and hanging out with them again.

They got me thinking about my future, especially about retirement. Am I saving enough?

Adulting.

Family.

I didn’t know that I would see that many this year.

It was great seeing 5th Auntie too. I haven’t seen her since before 5th Uncle passed way back in 2014. I’m glad to see that she’s doing great.

Family.

2018.

I love them.

I had a great time hanging out with the kids too while I was up north. I got drinks with all of them. They are of age.

Man, it seem like it was yesterday when they came.

Time flies.

2019.

Family.

Let’s keep them safe. Let’s keep them near.

* * *

Adulting.

2018.

The Year of Transition.

I’ll be 40 next year. This past few months had been a slow transition into 40.

I keep telling myself that I’ll need to give adulting a try when I hit 40. It’s time, right?

I’m working towards that.

Being more comfortable when it comes to socializing is a part of that.

Working on my flaws is another.

I know my issues. I know my problems.

Anger.

I have fucking severe anger issues. I get annoyed by people and by stupidity.

It’s something that I need to work on.

I have no control over that. I’m usually good at letting things go, especially things that I don’t have any control over.

But, sometimes, it affects me and that’s when I snap.

Microsoft.

Sigh.

Fucking Microsoft Support.

They were the source of a lot of my frustrations and anger this past year.

I’m sure they flag my name whenever I make a ticket.

I’m sure there’s one word next to my name: DIFFICULT

 

I don’t want to be difficult, but holy fuck man, do Microsoft Support really get under my skin.

I’ve made an effort to treat them a little differently.

I don’t curse them out anymore. I made an effort months ago and it’s sticking.

I haven’t cursed them out yet.

Biting my tongue.

They are doing their best, even though it is just fucking shitty service.

They are making an effort.

I should to.

Let’s hope that things change next year.

Let’s hope we don’t have any more MS issues next year.

No more SharePoint issues.;

No more Office issues.

Let’s hope.

I don’t want to lose it again.

2018.

There’s a small handful of people at work, my department, that I had issues with.

Whenever they talk or try to do something or worse, not do their fucking job, I lose it.

My anger boils.

My annoyance surges.

There’s nothing that I can do.

I have to let it go.

My boss knows.

He’s not going anywhere.

I have to learn to live with it.

I have to learn to work with him.

I need to figure a way.

He doesn’t know how to do anything.

He doesn’t do anything.

Lazy.

Power trip.

Let it go.

I need to let it go like I did with the other.

Let it go.

Move on.

He’s hopeless. Helpless.

I need to remember that.

Maybe, then I’ll understand.

Maybe I’ll be calmer.

Just maybe.

2018.

Growth.

Adulting.

Year of Transition

Drinking.

Work.

I drank so much last year and this past year.

Work.

Stress.

Just stress.

I need to control it and I think I have it under wraps.

I don’t overdo it.

My liver hates me, but I’m being a little more responsible.

For the office parties, I take a Lyft.

I don’t drive anymore.

Making an effort.

I don’t over do it.

Chicago was the last time.

That fucked me over.

Not anymore.

2018.

Let’s wrap it up.

Let’s keep it in check.

2019.

Adulting.

Just a smidge less stress, please?

Bring it.

* * *

2018.

Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 40, but I never really thought about retirement before.

Maybe it’s because work is stressing me out and I really feel that I don’t want to fucking work anymore.

Adulting.

Retirement.

Linda and Sung got me into thinking about my future.

Retirement.

I don’t want to do this shit for the rest of my life.

I would like to fall back and retire so I can focus on my interests: reading, writing, art.

Adulting.

Growth.

It’s just a natural progress of things.

I’m making an effort to put more of my money into investments for my retirement.

I want my money to help me make money so I can retire at a reasonable age.

My bro aims to retire at 50. He can do it too.

Me, not so much.

I don’t know when I’ll retire, but I hope that I do.

I’m ahead of the curve with people my age, especially millennials, but I want to be safe.

Adulting.

Thinking about my future.

I want to be secure.

2018.

Just getting my shit together.

2019.

Let’s be better.

Let’s be smarter.

Let’s do this.

* * *

2018.

A few more days.

Just a few.

Then, it’ll be a New Year. A new number.

New.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a year where I’ve grown so much.

It’s been a long time since I”ve had a year where I made an effort to grow.

Growth.

It should happen every year.

Have a better understanding of yourself. Have a better understanding of your flaws.

Chip away at it.

Be better.

Grow better.

Know better.

Growth.

Every year.

Just do better.

Don’t limit yourself on what you already know. Be better by learning things that you don’t.

2018.

It was a great year for me for that.

I’m working on being positive. It is The Secret.

Be positive. Great things will happen.

Be positive.

Get exactly what you want.

Be positive.

Know yourself.

Just be.

I’m working on growing my skill set.

I’m working on just being a better person.

Adjustments.

Corrections.

Little things here and there.

Eventually, I’ll excel and then I’ll find another thing to be better that.

Constant growth.

Constant learning.

2018.

You surprised me.

It was an uneven year, but it was a year of adjustments, of transition.

2018.

Year of Transition.

 

Change.

Growth.

Evolve.

Peel another layer and get a deeper understanding.

2018.

You came and took me by surprise.

It was uneven, but damn, if you weren’t interesting.

It was a tough year and I survived it.

I came out stronger.

I came out better.

2018.

I bid you adieu.

Thank you.

2019.

Bring it.

I’m ready.

Bring it.

I’m willing to wait for it.

One more week.

One more week.

Friday seems so far way. Five more days.

Five.

Then we’ll be off through the New Year.

It’s been a few years since I’ve stayed in LA for the holidays.

2015.

Not sure what I’m going to do.

I usually spend my days here at Volcano doing some writing, getting my yearly bah humbug out of the way and then, I don’t know.

Christmas Day, I usually go on a road trip somewhere with Pickles.

The rest, it’s a laid-back do nothing type of thing.

It’s usually my detox from people pro-solitude type of thing.

Looking forward to it.

I’m not trying to think too much about it.

I’m not trying to plan it.

Let it go. Go with the flow.

Let’s see how things roll.

Tired.

Still sick from last week.

I’m still fucking sick from last week.

Getting old sucks.

On the mend.

That’s what I’m happy about.

Slow. So slow.

I’m slowly getting back there.

Slow.

School.

I’m behind.

So behind on my online class.

Python.

Need to get back on it.

There are so many things that I need to catch up on and maybe I’ll use the break to do that.

Catch up on my coding.

Catch up on my schooling.

Catch up.

I’m so behind.

Work on myself.

Work on my growth.

Pivot.

Pivot to something else.

Pivot.

2019.

So close, yet so far away.

Not sure what you’ll bring and that brings me a little joy and a little apprehension.

It’s a fucking crap shoot.

Life.

…I’m over this.

Can’t think.

Can’t focus.

My creativity, drained.

I need some help.

…still sick.

I’m blaming it on my illness.