It’s been a long couple of weeks for me. Very draining physically, emotionally, and everything-ally. My body is drained, on fumes, and I could feel every yell, and moan, and whine, and groan my body makes. And when I’m tired, I’m bitchy. I’m a prick, and I tend to push people away. That is my defense; I want people to leave me alone. Some people understand me and that I need space. They give me the space that I need. Others just don’t understand who I am, and so they don’t understand that I need space or want space, even after when I tell them. This results in my bitchiness.

It all comes out, attitude, and pent up frustration and anger. I’ve hurt and offended many in my day, especially now. There’s just this person who is just suffocating me, and I can’t deal with that.

There are many things that are on my mind also. Things about family, work, relationships, life. Things that I need to work out, and I have no clue where to start.

Even now, trying to find what I want to say, or where I want to go, or even expressing my feelings. I find it difficult. Nothing is flowing like how it was when I first started this journal. I guess I really am in a very private phase in my life. Or a very lazy one.

Sometimes I just want life to go back to simpler times. When I was just a curious playful little kid with not a care in the world. Going outside catching insects, riding our bikes, playing tag or baseball or football. Times were simpler then. There wasn’t anything to worry about, no one to impress.

Now-a-days, you got to worry about your bills, going to work, impressing girls and others, trying to be cool, to fit in, finding yourself. It’s just too much work, too much shit to deal with. Why can’t we all just live simpler lives?

Sometimes, well not sometimes, once in a while I think about just dropping everything and going into the woods to escape everything, society, life, people, family. Be the Unabomber. All I would have to worry about is keeping shelter over my head and putting food on my table. Don’t have to deal with the bullshit of socializing, the small talk, the schmoozing and kissing up to people to get them to like you.

* * *

I guess for me I am about to take another big step in my life. I’m starting to anyway, and I’m scared. I don’t know how it is going to work out, or if it is going to work out. I’m afraid of failing, and the crazy thing is, that applies to all aspects of my life. My phobia of failure.

I wouldn’t say that I’m not a courageous person, a person who is afraid of everything. Actually I am quite brave in certain circumstances. I’m not afraid of much actually. The only things that I’m afraid of are things I don’t understand, and even then, my curiosity will take over and help me understand.

As some of you may know, I went sky diving this weekend. I went tandem jumping; where you have a jumpmaster strapped to your back. It is safe, very safe. I went on Saturday. The whole day, I was calm. I wasn’t scared. Not one bit. Didn’t get a bout of nerves, my heart didn’t go pitter patter, it wasn’t racing. I was perfectly placid. Even on the plane ride up, I was calm. It’s just the excitement that I’m about to jump racing through my mind.

I kept asking some people there, “Should I be scared?” Their reply, “Yes. You are doing something that is not normal. Be very afraid.” But I wasn’t afraid. I was calm. Well I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t afraid. There was a split second, during the 10 or so seconds where I’m hanging out of the plane, looking down where I might have been a little concerned. But when I jumped, nothing. No fear. It was exhilarating and disappointing and peaceful all at once.

It was exhilarating because I just jumped out of a plane, I could have died. A little disappointing, not because I didn’t, but because I thought it would be a little bit more, just a little bit more. And peaceful, because it is something that I’ve wanted to do for a while now. Just going out and jumping. Facing my fears, living to the extreme. And there is just something peaceful about parachuting down, floating through the sky between heaven and the earth. This is about the most living I’ve done in my whole life, and I guess I was just a little disappointed because it was everything that I was expecting. It didn’t surpass my expectations, therefore it was anticlimactic.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy the trip. It was great, and I would do it again at the drop of a dime. The next time, I will definitely jump solo. It might give me a bigger rush.

I guess I have high expectations for what life should be. Being a hopeless romantic, having an active imagination, life is an exciting adventure/journey. But I guess life doesn’t imitate the art that is in my mind. I guess my life doesn’t match up to that, therefore it is disappointing.

I have no one to blame for this disappointment but myself. It is my life, and I should make the best of it. That’s what I keep hearing anyway. This is where my fear of failure comes in. What if I do make the best of my life, and what if it really truly doesn’t live up to my fantasies? The realist in me knows for damn sure that nothing can live up to my fantasies, but me not trying always gives me hope that it could be better. There’s always this possibility that it could be better. But if I do make the best of my life and it turns out to be disappointing, that would be devastating. I guess in a way, I’ve become so much of a cynic, nothing impresses me anymore.

There is a dichotomy that is me. There is this side where my imagination runs wild, a dreamers canvas. The other side, a realist and I see things for what they are. They are always at a constant battle with each other, and the realist in me always wins. It always wins. My life, my existence can never life up to the wild fascinating fantasies that I get lost in during my ol’ days in school, or even my days now. The realism of the world always drags me back and slaps me in the face.

Ive been very busy for these past couple of weeks, especially this past week. I just haven’t gotten time to write anything and think about anything.

Many of you know I went to Disneyland with family and I flew home over the weekend. I promise when I got the time, I’ll post some pictures of my trip up. I got to find a place that allows me to upload some pictures for free.

I’ll be back shortly, hopefully.

At the moment, there are some things I need to do. It is really important for me to get to it as soon as I can. So if I haven’t posted anything in the next couple days, or couple of weeks, I’m busy doing something.

I got my pictures back. They all suck. There are only like one or two that I like. When I have time next week, I’ll post some up, the good and the bad. For me, I guess every photo just look the same. Boring.

So today was the big expedition. I went to Malibu Creek and hiked for a better part of the day. I wanted to do this for a while now and it just seemed the right thing to do to unwind after the last few days and the past couple of weeks.

Malibu Creek is a favorite spot to film movies or television shows. Planet of the Apes, M*A*S*H, and Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman were all filmed here.

So I went.

I had an early start. Woke up around 5:20 to get ready. I wanted to get there and hike before the heat struck. I got to the park around 6:30 am, but it was closed. They don’t open until 7:30-8:00 am. But anyway, I got in and started my day.

It was a long day.

At first, it was just marvelous. Beautiful scenery, great weather, and it was just a peaceful walk through nature. There were some early campers there. We greeted each other as we pass by on our own hikes.

It was just nice.

Another reason why I wanted to go was to take pictures. I finished class, got some new lenses, and it is about time that I put my camera to work. It was about time that I pick up this hobby again. I did that.

I took 3 rolls of pictures today. I bought these professional film; got everything loaded up and just started to shoot. They are being developed right now. I’ll get them back on Monday. If any of the pictures look good or turn out well, I’m sure I’ll post them up in the next few weeks.

I got some great shots of a blue heron and another white stork. The white stork was eating a fish or a salamander. I couldn’t make it out. I got a picture of it. I tracked the blue heron for about 100 yards. It was just exhilarating. Unfortunately the pictures will not turn out. They will be pitch black when they are developed.

I shot these animal shots with a 500mm mirror lens. It doesn’t meter for light, so I didn’t know how to adjust for this. I did, but i didn’t realize it until well into my third roll. How unfortunate. It was still early when I was tracking the birds. Within the first two hours I believe, so that makes it around 9:00. There was a lot of light, but just not enough for the camera. I shot it at 1/500 of a second. This is way to fast for that early in the morning and especially when I am using a slow film. I should have shot it around 1/90 of a second. That would have been for the best exposure. I was dumb, so most of my pictures will not turn out good.

The only pictures that will turn out good are the scenery ones. I took these with my new 24mm wide angle lens. Now this does meter, and I sort of used the f16 rule to help me figure out the correct exposure.

If none of the pictures turn out, well at least I know what to do and what not to do. So the day was productive. I took pictures of anything that looked interesting to me. But pretty soon, most of the scenery just looked the same, so I stopped shooting.

I would say, I hiked about 10+ miles today. I did it in about 7 hours. I left about 2 pm. The heat was getting to me, I was tired, I aggravated my ankle again, and everything just looked the same. So I got bored.

I just hiked. I wasn’t hiking slow either, I was hiking at a good pace.

I think I lost about 5 pounds from sweating. It was reaching near 100 degrees toward the time I left.

I was a little disappointed that I didn’t see that many different types of animals. There are mountain lions, bob cats, raccoons, owls, coyotes, and many other creatures. I didn’t see any. Only things I saw were some pretty birds, some horses, ducks, turtles, and some lizards.

I went alone of course. It was therapeutic. I got a lot of time by myself just thinking and talking to myself. To sort things out and think about certain things. Things that happened over the past few days and weeks. Thinking about things that is going to happen and things that I think may happen or things that I would like to happen. I just did a lot of thinking today.

Sure I was very lonely and I wouldn’t have mind if I had company, especially if it was someone that I wouldn’t mind spending time with, but it was all right for what it was. I was in the mood to be alone and have my personal space. Been pushing people away lately. It’s something I need to work on, I guess.

I plan on going back again in the late fall or the early winter. When things cool down and the leaves changes. I’ll probably stay longer next time. Come out early to see the birds and stay late to see the wild animals. Maybe next time, someone would like to come along. Who knows.

I got belligerent with Duwi. I was picking a fight with her, and I think I offended her. She genuinely care about me, I know that. Many people do. She wants to take care of me. What she doesn’t understand is that I need space. That is me. I don’t want help. I just want people to give me space when I need space.

I don’t know what happened. I was in a bad mood to begin with at happy hour. I was getting moodier and moodier by the minute. I was in that bitchy mood that I can get into. I guess it was what Duwi did that set me off. She’s cleaning up after me. I don’t need that. I don’t want that. I guess that is what started the whole thing.

On the drive home from happy hour, we went to Big 5 to pick up a pair of shoes. I just went off. I gave her attitude. I became belligerent. I am a belligerent fool, drunk. That is something that I do not want to be ever.

She sees me as a person who needs help, and she thinks she can help me by babying me. That is not what I want. If I wanted that, I would have moved home, not come down here. I need space. Some people just don’t understand that.

So at work, I was in a bad mood already. Things were going terrible. Then Monica.

I told Duwi what Monica told me about her being pushy yesterday morning. I just wanted to let Duwi know to tone down her approach a little bit. Duwi apologize to Monica this morning.

Monica called me out. She didn’t appreciate what I did. I hurt, offended her. I just about lost it then. I couldn’t handle that along with the whole Duwi thing. Monica and I almost got in an argument in front of Nick too. She didn’t appreciate what I did, and now Duwi is beign a little cold to her. I explained to Monica that Duwi is cold not because of her, but because of me. I am the cause of the tension. Monica just doesn’t want to get wrapped up in any drama. I apologize again, and told her that it is me that Duwi has a problem with, and I have a problem with myself and what I did to Duwi. It has nothing to do with Monica and what she told me. It was a lie of course. I just totally lost it. I spent about the whole morning crying. I couldn’t keep under control most of the time. I thought about working at home, but I calmed down a little bit. I was still very upset and depressed.

Later, Kate asked me how I was doing and I told her that I’m not doing well. I explained to her what happened between Duwi and I. I didn’t tell her about Monica. Monica stepped out to go to the bathroom also. When Monica came out she asked me what happened. I told her.

That afternoon, for the most part, we got back on track again, but I know that things are different now. I fucked up and I can’t take it back. Even though she said that she’s not mad at me anymore, I fucked up.

I feel better now, but I still have to see what is going to happen for now on. Now I know not to say anything Monica tells me, and I know now not to drink.

I’m stupid.

Let’s just get this out there. I am. That is the final word.

I’ve done many stupid things in my life, but nothing compares to what I’ve done these past few days.

I am a very ungrateful, selfish, and stupid person.

I offended, hurt, whatever you want to call it, two friends.

I took both of their friendship for granted.

One, I took all that she’s done for me for granted, and in a way threw it back in her face. She genuinely cares for me, and wants to help me out and take care of me. But I pushed her away. I’m sorry.

The other, I betrayed her trust, betrayed her confidence in me. It took me so long to get to where I was with her, and I jeopardized it with what I did. She told me something in confidence, and I didn’t keep it in confidence. I thought I would use what she told me to do some good. I made something that was nothing into a giant something. This is what I get for trying to use my judgement and do something good. I deserved it. She says that she’s over it, but I don’t think we can go back to the way things were because of it. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.

I just have to say, today was not the best day for me emotionally.

I found out that I am a belligerent drunk. I’m pushing people who care about me away. I did the one thing that I never wanted to do. I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. I hurt someone that actually cares about me.

Maybe things were just going too good for me. Maybe I was just way too happy than I should be, and it was time for a reality check. This shit happened because of me, whether it was conscious or not, it happened because of me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am getting to close, and I need my space. And the only way I know how to get space is to push people away.

When I was younger, it was easier for me to get space. I just keep away from people. I alienate myself from my friends at school. It was easy, simple. I disappeared into the crowd. Things are different now. I got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. So I push them away.

I like space. I need space. That’s how I operate. I am alone because I like alot of space, and it also means I don’t get close. As much as I want to get close, make contact with someone; there is a deep seeded feeling in me to push them away, to not get so close. I am a loner, so I have to cut these ties.

So what do I do now? What do we do now? We just pretend to forget and have things go back to normal. We just let time take its usual affect on us. It is the only thing we can do.

Things are just happening at work. I don’t know what, and I can’t explain them. For instance, I am getting along with Noah quite well. I never got along so well, especially with a guy, just that fast before. I don’t know why. I guess I am just really changing as a person. More confidence, and I guess the whole social thing isn’t scaring me anymore. Well, I still feel a little awkward at times in social situations I guess, but not as much.

Well it seems that Derlia feels that Monica is a little jealous of Kate and I. I think it is funny that I didn’t even notice that she was there when Monica brought up the whole Kate and I issue. So Monica is jealous of our relationship. I don’t think so. I think Monica and I just got to the point where we are really good friends at work, and the point where we might start to socialize after work as friends only. But that is a giant leap to a conclusion in my opinion. I don’t know where we stand. I don’t think I ever know.

I guess things with Kate are moving along in a way also. I think we just get along quite well, and feel very comfortable with each other. We both know how each other act cause we both are quite alike. That has to take some of the pressure off right? Well, I guess we are flirting with each other more and more. A little smile here, and a look there. A snide remark at one moment, and a sincere little chat the next. Am I really moving on from Monica? Am I really? I really don’t know.

Kate and I are just flirting more and more. Well, remember yesterday that I threw a pen at her? She threw a pen at me today. She came in to talk to Monica about lunch and whether she was interested in getting something to eat. I was eating lunch at this time, and Noah was sitting in the office, just eating lunch. Well I was laughing at Duwi’s laugh, and Kate zoomed out and hit Sandy’s box. I heard it, and I just started to laugh harder. Duwi and Monica were laughing at me because I always laugh at people who get hurt. Noah is backing me up. The next thing I noticed was a pen hitting me in the back of the head. Kate came by and picked it up later. She threw the pen at me. I think she was offended that I laughed at her. I should apologize to her tomorrow. As she walked away, I told her I will get her back, and I did. She threw the pen back at me again.

Also, during the day, before lunch, Kate and I was walking through the copy machine. I was following her. We were talking about something I believe, and she stopped right in front of me like she wanted to scare me or to have me run into her. We just stood there for a few seconds, then I put my hands on her waist and guided her to the exit door in the hall and left her in the corner. She was being a bad girl.

So she’s going up to Eureka over the same weekend that I’m heading home. She has a guy friend who has a cabin up there. Eureka is in the mountains in Northern California. Near the Oregon and California border. We started to talk about the trip, and whether I’m driving up there or not. I told her if I had more time, I would have driven up.

I think things need to stop between us. It just can’t possibly go on because of our work relationship. It just can’t.

It seems like Duwi is getting very social, talkative, and pushy today. She’s having another party on August 30th. She’s really pushing for Monica to be there. I just stayed out of it. Monica told me that Duwi’s been really mean and rude to me and that she was getting annoyed with Duwi’s persistence to get her to go to Duwi’s party. I could understand. Hopefully things get better.

Do I think that Duwi take things too far? Well you know me. I really don’t take things that seriously, and at times I do know that she’s joking. So it doesn’t bother me that much.

I’ve been playing a lot of basketball lately. The good thing is I’m getting better and that I don’t get tired that easily anymore. The bad thing is that it is just PJ and I at most. Can’t pick up that many other palyers. I just want to play in a game, preferrably not one on one. John came out today. I asked Kate if she is interested and also Nick. Kate is having problems with her knee, but she said that she try to make it out next time. Will she, I really doubt it. Nick..who knows.

…..was a good, yet bad experience for me.

It was good because I had fun, and I was drunk and shit faced. She introduced me, as a drunken slob, to her fiends and family. From what she tells me, they all like me. I was talking and chatting because it was mostly old people there, so there wasn’t pressure for me to impress and socialize with people my age. It was very laid back. I’ve enjoyed myself..for the most part.

Now the bad. The liquor. I had a wee bit too much to drink. I was mixing my hard alcohol, and it turned out to be a bad thing. To much Covassieur (spelling) and vodka, and whiskey. I had enough to be good for the rest of the night. If I continued drinking water, I would have been fine. But then, there were shots. I can never turn down a shot or two or even three. I had three shots of tequila in a span of 4 minutes. I think that was what put me over.

The next thing, I was in the bathroom puking, and cleaning up the bathroom and my pants. Duwi’s friends were a little worried because I locked myself in the bathroom. So I came out, pants with puke on them, sat down on the futon. Her friends put me to sleep. That was around midnight. The party went on for another 3 hours.

I feel so bad. I dirtied their little bath mat, two of them actually. I dirtied their bathroom. I was so sorry. Oh man, I just lost control.

I have a tendency to do that when I’m around alcohol. I don’t know why. I just need to learn how to pace myself I guess.

Duwi, my surrogate mother down here, she said she was worried about me. She was the host of the party, and when I was sleeping, she didn’t know where I was. I think her friends told her what happened and where I was.

Apparently, around 2:00 am, she came in to check on me. I guess I was sleeping in a awkward position so she came and adjusted me, to make me comfortable. As she was doing it, she said I was saying sorry sorry sorry to her. Honest to god, I don’t remember that.

I have never passed out from alcohol before. I never have. That was my first time.

I think I went into the party with a alterior motive. I think I knew I was going to get shit faced and drunk. I didn’t have to drive, and my ride left, so I was going to spend the night anyway.

A part of me, deep down inside, wanted to get drunk and shitface. I wanted to be numb. Ever since my dad passed away, around that time, this is something that I really really wanted to do. I never got a chance. I didn’t want to do it up there with my mom there. She didn’t know I drink at that time. I just wanted to numb myself. Then when I got back down here, no opportunities presented itself. I had one, but I had to drive home so I couldn’t drink much.

I did it Saturday night. Was it worth it? No. I still feel the same way. It’s not going to go away, and no amount of drowning my sorrows in alcohol is going to change that. When I woke up that morning, at my friends house; a friend who I’ve only known for three months, and who is so hospitable, I just felt really sorry for what I did. I thought about my dad, and why was I being so stupid and drinking myself into a drunken stupor. I cried. Oh foolish foolish little ol’ me.

Then Duwi came, and we just started to talk. We talked about many things that monring, and many things that day. About work, life, girls, so on and so forth.

I honestly have to say, I haven’t connected with a person that fast before, but I am noticing that I am doing it quite al lot with many people at work. Maybe I’m just getting more social, or maybe it is just my confidence building up. All I know is that I’ve changed.

I just wonder, are things going to continue to change or has they stop?

In the next couple of weeks, I will be going home once again. I’m just going home for the weekend, nothing more and nothing less.

My mom wants me back for a thing for my father, and I really needed a break from some things down here.

So I’m flying back.

I never thought I would go back so soon. I always thought that I would go back around Christmas time. But I guess things change, plans change.

How do I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I get back there. All I know now is that I need it. I want to see family again, see the kids, hang out and catch up with everyone.

Play some golf. It is the only time I ever play.

I think things might be a little tough for me when I get up there. Going to have those feelings of abandoning my family again. My mom has been laying the guilt trip on me nice and heavy. As many of you may know, she wants me back. She doesn’t feel comfortable with me down here alone. I don’t think many mothers do. She just doesn’t understand that I like it down here, and I like it alone. I’m a weird one, what can I say.

Kate and I were talking about this the other day. I didn’t know I am still so emotional about it. I almost lost it in front of her, but I gathered myself up. I lost it in the bathroom a few minutes later. I couldn’t believe it. It has been a few weeks since the last time. I guess I’m still not over it yet. Well grant it that it has been less than 100 days since my father passed away. I guess that is okay.

I’ll be flying up there on the night of the 14th of August. I’m flying back Monday afternoon.

Well I am going to a party tomorrow night. It is Duwi’s party. She’s an “ol’ hen” from work. Not that old, mid 30s I would say. She’s the one that I have the sibling type relationship with. It is her boyfriend’s belated birthday party. She’s been telling me about it for the past couple weeks, and she is very insistent that I go. Joe, another guy from work, is going also. Duwi is having him pick me up, so I don’t have to drive home drunk. She wants me to get drunk and shit faced so I would dance. Not a good idea, cause I’ll probably just laugh my ass off. I get that way when I’m drunk

She is worried that I will not show up. Her boyfriend really wants to meet me because she’s been telling him all about her “chinese boy toy” from work. She thinks that we’ll get along, talking shit about her. It should be fun, I hope.

Some family is coming down to visit during that week that I am to leave for Washington. They are planning on visiting me and going to Disneyland. I hope they make it before I leave. I’ll be taking a day off when they get down here for the Disneyland trip. If I have a good reason to ditch work, I am going to use it. This is a good reason.

Writing seems to be getting harder for me. Keeping this journal seems to be getting tougher. I guess it is more about the content I want to put in here. Ever since I started to post private entries, they just seem more interesting. There are many things I want to write, it is just that using just pronouns and no proper names can get tedious and confusing. So I might just start writing everything out in private entries. Little things, special things that just made my day and I wouldn’t have to use pronouns to confuse myself.

I’ll try to keep up with the public entries from time to time. I hope.

Well it seems that I’ve been being private or semi private for the past few days.

I’ve been wirting private entries in my journal lately. Some of them are viewable to my friends on live journal, but there are some that are private.

It’s not that I’m trying to keep secrets from anyone, it is just that there are things that I don’t wish certain people to see. Some of them have to deal with my feelings and other things that is happening in my life, but it really isn’t anything I wouldn’t share. I just sort of did it to protect my ass I guess.

Looking through some of the journals that are posted here, many of them are private journals or semi private journals. I never personally thought I would write a private or even a semi private entry, but I guess there is a first for everything.

I use to keep a journal, written out by hand. It contained a lot more personal stuff than anything I have ever put in here, well except for some of the earlier entries. But I stopped a while ago. I got bored, and it was mostly depressing stuff. It was a mixture of feelings along with what has been happening in my day, and I have to say, when you live a boring life that I live, there really isn’t much to write about and it doesn’t make an interesting read.

The things I usually post here aren’t really about what is happening in my life. No daily entries of me sitting at my desk, doing my work, working working working. That would be boring, and I know now that I am writing to an audience, so I just write about my thoughts and my feelings, or whatever that is interesting to me.

Sometimes I would like to think that my family is reading it, and I would just like to let them know that I am okay.

Anywho, it’s been a really really long and tiring and emotional week for me. I think I’ll just end it here.