Not sure what it means actually, but it is the literal translation of a song by Twins – the Hong Kong pop duo that I have grown apart from.

I think it is the song that is playing, but I am not so sure anymore. They have so many that sounds the same, but I’m going to keep it that way.

Today will be a day of exercise. It will just be a day of a finger tapping and nonsense shenanigans because I don’t really know what I want to write today.

I’m avoiding the script. I’m avoiding my short stories. I’m avoiding thinking about ideas for a new script. I’m avoiding editing and rewriting.

I’m avoiding many things.

As discussed, it just seems that I have a lot of things in my mind, which I will categorize as my midlife crisis. It’s an ugly one of listless loss.

But there is light. There’s always a light, no matter how dim.

There’s always a way out. It is just a matter of time. How long?

No idea.

* * *

Eyes up.

Long and inviting, daring me to stare. Taunting me, questioning my masculinity if I didn’t.

It teases with each move, a little longer a little deeper. The deep crevice of two opposing mounds tempts even the most pious man.

I fight the urge, but I give in like any man would.

It’s a well fought battle, but I lost before it even started.

* * *

The cold air blasts from high above.

So dense it falls quick, chilling everything below and deep.

I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my soul. The cold ice enshrouds my soul and my heart.

Iced up cold heartedness, that’s what I have become. Unable to feel anything but this deep chill. Unable to move to keep warm for I am frozen in this tundra of feelings.

The chill blasts. The ice hardens.

* * *

The air warms.

The air around me becomes comfortable, livable, melting me from this frost that I was before.

It warms the blood, keeping it flowing and me living. It keeps me alive, urging me to keep this warmth, to live and be.

But I can’t rely on others or my environment. I need to rely on me and my own resourcefulness. I need to keep myself warm, to keep myself alive with whatever methods that I can.

I need to keep moving. I need to keep trying to stay alive. I need to keep living and going on and eventually there will come a natural time when all things stop. I wait patiently for that, not rushing the inevitable, letting whatever life clock tick away at its own standard pace. Eventually will come, but now, life is demands a player to play its little games.

Can I survive?

I believe so.

* * *

Our love was destined. The moon represents my heart.

* * *

Clear. Things are clearer now. Things aren’t so foggy where I can’t see what the truth is anymore.

There are no more miscommunications that shroud my frustrations.

Things are clear.

There is nothing more.

That is all I need to know. Things are clear and there is nothing more.

I just have to move on now; to keep my distance and move on.

Hopefully one day we’ll be able to hang out again, to enjoy each other’s company in a different setting, a different heart. Here’s to hoping, but knowing me, I don’t know.

I never really hung out or kept in touch with many people that leave my life, especially those that I am interested in. They come. They go. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Whatever friendship that we have just fizzle into the ether of history only to resurface when one is forgotten.

I’ll miss this one. I’ll miss her.

* * *

Should I stop asking you out?

And that was all that was needed to get our dialogue done.

Uncomfortable. Nothing more than just hanging out as friends.

Nothing more.

I am uncomfortable with that. It’s not that it is making me uncomfortable, which you don’t. It is just that I’m confused and frustrated. But now I know.

It’s not a matter of being comfortable here on out. It isn’t. You never made me uncomfortable. Ever.

I just can’t hang out with you or see you anymore. I need my distance. I need my space. Time.

I need to get over you and that is the best remedy.

* * *

You knew that I liked you, more than a friend. You knew, and yet you still agreed to hang out. I know it was an assumption on your part, and a mistake on mine, and a general miscommunication across the board, so I forgive and forget.

It happens. Tis is life. Tis is the way that things like this happen.

I like how you did notice that I stopped talking to you for a while. I liked how you made reference to it, and I’m sure you know why I stopped; that Christmas break.

I guess my gut was right. It was a cop out. A way to hang out with me without hanging out with me.

But, tis is the way it is.

Time to move on.

Time to look forward and be open to someone else to fill that void that is slowly depleting not out of want but of necessity. I have to ’cause I’m going crazy.

I’m going crazy.

In a way my heart feels lighter. My brain feels freer, not having to figure out what it is that is happening, fighting the feelings in my heart or my gut.

I’m free.

* * *

Wednesday.

Last day.

Things will have to go on as usual. Us. Usual.

It shouldn’t be strained or awkward. It should be just us.

Let us end things on a good note.

* * *

Lesson learned: Stop fighting my gut feeling.

It tells me that it wasn’t what I hoped for, but I wanted to know for sure. The truth is I already knew, I was just in denial.

Maybe it is that I am too nice. Or maybe it is that I just wasn’t her type. Or maybe it is that she just doesn’t see me that way.

I don’t think I need to know. I don’t think I want to know, because I think maybe knowing the truth why, it’ll just upset me more.

I’ve been through this numerous times. I’ve been through this time and time again. It happens. It’s a broken record, skipping back and forth in different times in my life.

I always manage to get better. I always manage move on.

This one should be no different.

* * *

I don’t want to lose you now.

Letting go. Losing the strength to carry this thing through.

I finally see that dim light at the end of the tunnel. I just need that final catalyst that pushes everything to the finale that I know will come. I know that things will be cleared and the answer will surface.

Answers.

No.

Simple. Concrete.

Just no.

* * *

Falling into the comfort of things. Falling into our nature, our little moments of pitter and patter. Just falling and hoping that it will be eternal, a forever falling where there is no bottom, deeper and deeper where eventually in the end, that listless floating of desire and passion will devastate my soul whenever I reach bottom.

That is what it is like to be where I am. My little heart has a built in pitfall. It latches on. It never lets go.

But from my perspective, the bottom is coming up fast. I’m in for a world of pain.

Maybe it is something that it thrives on. Maybe it is something that it needs to get stronger. Maybe it is just something to make me feel something other than the thing I’m feeling.

Maybe.

* * *

Staring back at me

Maybe.

My life is full of maybes. There’s just so much that could go either way, which is not definite because it hasn’t been tried. It hasn’t been true.

It is just a future of possibilities that can go any way until there is a definite experience. Even then, there are still different outcomes if done again and again. maybes.

There are just a lot of maybes anywhere.

Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the glimmer of hope that I am dreaming of but the glimmer of a fading light?

Maybe it’ll just be my faint green beacon that I find through the fog so I’m not lost as to what my envious desire is?

Maybe.

I don’t want to lose you now/ Show me how to fight for now

Maybe I just need to fight more?

But I think I know I just need to know when to fold my hand and take the loss. It is too much. I have wasted so much of my time.

To think if I had made a decision to act on this a lot sooner or even to clear things sooner or even if I was smart enough to heed the signs that was presented, I would have been in a different place than I am now.

Maybe it would be with someone else that I’m going through this crux with or maybe I’ll actually be with someone. Who know?

I just know that there needs to be a change.

This needs a change.

We need a change.

Change.

* * *

Continuing where I left off yesterday.

Mirrors blasting the familiar tunes and laments in my ears.

I don’t want to lose you now

It is just a matter mustering up the strength to get this job done. Once it is done, things will get easier. Once it is done, things will be better.

I need other things to occupy my mind. I need to focus on things outside the matters of the heart.

Traveling. Seeing the world that I know that is out there waiting for me to explore.

Adventures are just waiting for me. I just need to take the first step in the journey.

* * *

It’s Father’s Day today.

Of course you aren’t here and of course I miss you.

* * *

Time.

It’s a fickle bitch.

Floating away, keeping constant.

Beating life’s measure.

Never have enough

When one needs it

No control

When one needs to go back

* * *

It’s gloomy today. Actually it’s been gloomy for the past couple of days.

It has its moments. It has its charm that I do surely miss when it is the usual from around here.

But I don’t know; it has gotten me a little the usual lately. Whether it is because of what I am eating, maybe because I am at a familiar crux in my life, or maybe it is just the time of the month for me. I don’t know.

I’m sure it’ll pass like it usually does. I’m sure it’ll pay whatever respect that it needs to pay me and my heart and just skip along and I’ll be back to myself.

Maybe.

I don’t know. Maybe it is just my diet.

I have been eating out pretty much all week. Food that is beyond my control on what is in it. Sure I could have gone with healthier options, but they were more convenient and I’m a man of convenience.

But it’ll pass as I go on with my life, living it a day at a time, figuring it out a little bit as I go.

That is the story of my life.

* * *

You make me glow.

The story of us goes on like it usually does.

Each day goes by and I am in a wonder of what it is that is happening.

Words spread and opinions are gathered. The verdict is in and it doesn’t bode well for me.

Nothing. Nothing is what is happening.

We aren’t even dancing. I was just never in the game.

But I’ll try like I usually do. I’ll play it to the end like I always do, because that is me. I need closure. I need definite.

I need a sense of concreteness, that final solid solution of “No”.

* * *

We’re up all night to get lucky.

Change. A little more a little less. Change.

I’m making small adjustments here and there. Things that were a part of me that just never really got a chance to blossom because I never put the effort in.

Most of it is superficial; little aesthetic changes here and there in how I dress.

But the heart of the matter is still the same. I’m still the same person. I’m still the same man that I have grown up to be, flaws and all.

Whether these changes are just the natural progression of things because I need to make a change or if they are just some small fundamental changes that I needed to make to get me to the next phase in my life, I’m not sure. But in a way, it does feel right.

These changes in clothing and style don’t feel like they are forced. They are things that I aspire to wear or have some kind of desire to wear. They are a part of my general style to begin with. It was just a matter of finally paying attention to them.

They are me.

* * *

I will wait, I will wait for you.

I belong with you. You belong with me, in my sweet heart.

It so goes the theme for today’s little playlist.

The one that was meant for me. The one that is waiting for. The one that was destined.

Maybe.

I am the hopeless one. I am the one hoping and wishing. I am the romantic with the broken heart.

Here I wait.

* * *

Free

The Heart strings

No longer twisted and tied

Into the jumbled mess of yearning

Liberated from the tortures

Unrequited

Unreturned

Flowing with the motions of free will

To choose the one that returns

Unafraid to share the magical mysticism

Harmonized by the drumming and marching of a running heart

Free to beat

Liberated

To Love

* * *

The trip was short. It was short for the amount of stuff that we did, but in a way, the trip was almost the right length. Not too long. Not too short. It was just, right.

It’s just a matter of the many different places that we visited and the amount of driving for the short amount of time. Lots of driving. From LA – San Diego, LA – Fresno, Fresno – Union City, which ended up as being home base for a few days.

Looking back, I think in a way one more day would have just been almost perfect. Didn’t have to feel rush to get back on Wednesday morning, not that it felt rushed at all, but I wouldn’t really mind having to spend that Wednesday just hanging out and not doing much, but we had a time schedule to meet and it was pretty good.

Overall, I didn’t have any problems with my bro or mom hanging out with me on this road trip. I really didn’t do much planning but the itinerary, which was made revolving around mom’s schedule and what she wanted to do. The most planning I did was for our Napa day, in terms of what time to leave, what we do for lunch and what wineries to explore before our dinner at the French Laundry.

That was my day. That was my one vacation day out of the bunch and it was actually pretty perfect.

I didn’t feel rushed to do anything. It was a relaxing day of tasting, sitting and chatting and then finally enjoying dinner.

I had a great time just hanging out with my family. I had a great time seeing how mom reacted to each tasting and the faces she’ll make. She’s not a wine drinker, but there are definitely some that she liked more than others. The same with my brother. I believe he has a finer palate than I do, in discerning the different tastes from the wine, whereas I am no such expert or snob. I drink. It goes down easy or it packs a punch.

I’m surprised that my bro managed to drink so much and not be that affected. I was doing really well also, but the wine headache did creep up on me during the ride home.

All in all, a great day.

Thinking back to all the trips that I have taken with my mom, it seems that I am glad that I’m able to bring so many firsts to her. I’m glad that my brother and I are able to give her so many firsts, in terms of Napa, in terms of just trying different foods and cuisines, in terms of exploring new and interesting places, countries. Sure she is a much more veteran world traveler than both my brother and me, but I’m glad that we are able to give her so much and be there to have to experience so much.

Most of it is because she is so adventurous and so easy going in many things. She doesn’t care what she does. She’s just there for the ride, riding along with us, being there with us. In a way, I wonder how much of her is a part of me? How much of that personality, that sense of adventure, that easy going nature/disposition that I got from her and how much I got from my dad. I wonder.

* * *

Food.

I think it is a custom that many eastern cultures lives or that of family revolves around food. It was just a week of eating. It just so happens that whenever I travel, whether alone, but especially with my mom and we are visiting family, it is just food. We eat.

We will refuse to go out or just be satisfied with eating leftovers or just say, we’re not hungry, we will eventually go out and eat. It is how it is done with my family.

Yeah, we have a problem.

But food. All in all, most of the food experiences were good ones, especially those that were my brother’s and my choice. Choices from family, not so much.

Maybe it is just our culture and how family spends time, at the dinner table. It’s how it was growing up for the most part, especially when there was family around, or maybe even why eastern cultures tend to server their food family style.

But yes, food.

The French Laundry.

It was for the most part, a once in a lifetime experience. The food was great. The service, amazing.

I think for the most part, I would want to go back in a different season to see what they have on their daily changing menu, like I would love to go back to Yamakase again in a different season to have different ingredients.

There were many standout dishes. Many. The asparagus pasta, the duck, the lamb. I was impressed with many of them and in the end, even though they were such small plates/servings, I was actually full.

It was a good experience and there were so many little gems and surprises throughout the night. Definitely want to do it again.

My bro stepped up and paid for it all, even though I told him to split it with me.

I would love to do another Napa trip again. Whether with friends, by myself, or even with family. I would love too. Only if it was a little closer.

* * *

I think the only problem I have on the trip is sometimes, family can get too much. There was just way too much family and their constant need to eat. It’ll be a slap in the face if we don’t eat out with them. They want to show us respect by taking us out, I understand that, I know that, but c’mon, we can only eat so much.

Blah. It was just a lot of food. Just a lot of food and there were times when I wasn’t even hungry, but still had to eat.

I love my family, but yeah, sometimes they are just too much and just too stubborn. I believe it is a Ho thing. I am stubborn too, and that is that. It’s something I have to really accept. Just annoying.

I know things would have been so different if it was just me traveling alone. But, it is what it is.

Hi Dad. What’s up, man?

Ha. You remember that? That’s what you would say to me whenever you would call me to check up.

I miss your phone calls. I miss talking to you. I do really miss you.

It’s been 10 years since you’ve been gone and you’ve have always been in my heart ever since that day.

I know looking back now that I really did take you for granted. I took mom for granted too and sometimes I feel that I still do. But I’m working on it.

So, what’s up?

10 years.

A lot had changed in these past 10 years. I have changed a lot in these 10 years.

I know that your death affected me so much and it still does. In a way, it kind of made me a better person, but in a way it made me afraid.

I don’t blame you. I really don’t. It’s just me. I’m just scared. I’m so scared of it happening again. There’s not much room in my heart anymore. It’s just so fragile.

There’s no more room for anyone new for me to love. I tried to find someone, but I don’t know whether it was me just sabotaging it or maybe it just didn’t work out because we just didn’t work out, but there’s a part of me that knows that your death had something to do with it.

I don’t think I can fully commit or fall just for the fear of losing someone again. I know it is all mental and it is all in my head, but I don’t think my heart is ready yet.

Like I told mom, it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I do. I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s just that what if? What if I do find this love and just totally be smitten and be in love with this dear girl and she gets snatched away. What if?

I know I shouldn’t be worried about what ifs, but the pain of losing someone, the thought of having to go through that again. I don’t think I can. Again, there’s not much room left in this tiny heart of mine.

Just enough for mom, Hien, and Pickles.

But maybe, one day, I’ll make the leap. I’ll take the chance again and not worry about the what ifs and just focus on the present, being in the moment, and just allow myself to love and to be loved.

One day.

10 years.

So much has changed.

I have changed so much since the last time I saw you. That Monday morning, I was packing my bags to leave and you were leaving for work. Those last words of take care.

The person that I am today is so much different from the kid that spoke to you on the phone as you called me to pass the time at the car dealership. You just bought mom her car and was just waiting for the paperwork to finish. That was our last conversation. That was the last time I heard your voice, your laugh.

I was such a different person back then. I was so shy and just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was so unsure about myself and who I was.

But look at me now.

I’m a different person. I’m a better person.

I think you would actually be proud of me today. I think you would be happy about who I am.

I’ve learned so many things without you. I had to be a better person without you here. I had no one to talk to about them.

I’ve seen so many new things and been to so many places. I think you would have liked them. I would always imagine you there with me, by my side, us experiencing these places together.

But you weren’t and that hurts me every time. It is out of my control and it is something that I have to deal with. The pain is a constant reminder of how much I love you and miss you.

I don’t know if I ever would want to not have that pain. It’ll always be a part of me. Always.

But I know I am never alone. Pickles would always be with me, by my side.

I think you would like him. He’s a cute dog, so nice and so sweet. He’s always down for a car ride and a road trip. He always have that adventurous spirit just like me.

He’s a lot like me.

There are times when I would bring him home and I would imagine him laying next to you, wanting your attention and you would play with him. I think he would love you too.

There’s so many things that you have missed. Just so many.

There will be so many things that you will not be a part of. You’re just not here.

But I guess that is something that I have to accept. That is something that I would have to just get over.

I just need to. I don’t think I can move on without it.

I know that I have grown up so much since you’ve been gone. I’ve become a man that you would definitely be proud of, but there’s a part of me that still hasn’t moved on yet.

There’s still a part of me that is all steeled up, afraid to let anyone in.

I know I’m only kidding myself with those earlier relationships. There was always something around my heart, protecting it. There is this icy cold shield that wouldn’t let anyone in.

I had to do it. It was protection. I couldn’t fully commit. I just couldn’t.

I need to now. I need to just let my heart go. I think it is time.

10 years.

Marriage. Kids. Other milestones that are left in my life, whether big or small. You will be missed.

But I know you want me to move on. I know you would want me to just go on and live my life.

I know you want the best for me.

I know that you love me.

It is time to release me.

I need to let go.

I know that it wasn’t my fault. I have and there’s still a part of me that still believes that it was my fault.

I do feel guilty.

But I know it happens. It just happened with no rhyme or reason. That is life.

I need to move on. I need to continue my life, live it with more conviction, with my whole heart in it. I need to live it without anything holding me back.

I need to let things go. It wasn’t my fault. You would want me to know that. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t.

I need to start a new phase in my life. It’s a brand new start. It’s a brand new life.

I’m going to be me, free from any ties and any weight.

Everything is lifted off my chest my shoulders. I am free to live.

I can breathe. I am free.

Thank you dad.

I miss you.

Love you.

I take a deep breath as I sit here at my usual usual trying to collect my thoughts and trying to figure out how to write this post. There’s a lot on my mind as of late. There are the server issues that this website is hosted on. It’s down. There are the changes that my one and only good friend here in Los Angeles is picking up and moving home on Sunday morning. And there’s the other thought that I just turned a new number.

I’m 34, 34, 34, 34. It’s that time again for the yearly ramblings of what being a new number means. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year.

I know I say this time and time again, but it is so true. Time flies. It figuratively coasts through everything that we do our lives and just disappears as it ticks away. Our life is just a bitch to time. We are bitches to time.

I’m 34.

* * *

What can I say about being 33? It was definitely a difficult age for me. I took a gander at something that I wrote last year during this time, an article that I linked to saying that 33 is the best age for men.

Looking back at how my year was, it wasn’t. It was a year of constant wondering what is happening with me. I touched upon it that it was my year of a mid-life crisis. It definitely was. There was something definitely wrong with me last year.

My body felt weird. My mind felt weird. I couldn’t focus on anything or get myself motivated to do anything at all. I was a bitch to this blahness that was me. A bitch bitch. I don’t like being a bitch.

I would like to think that things got better as the year ended and even in the last few months. I was able to focus and to write and to do some things, but there were times where I wasn’t able to and I still haven’t figured out why.

It wasn’t a total lost at least. There were some moments of being 33 that I can look back on and think, hey, I’m doing good. I’m happy. Everything is going to be all right. I feel normal. And there was moments like that. There were moments of brilliance and great ideas.

Moments of clarity in my writing. There were moments of discovery in my photography. There were just moments of feeling like a normal human being in my socialness. They were just in constant battle of the blaseness of this mid-life.

It wasn’t until last night when a cousin of mine posted something about gluten-sensitivity. Looking at the symptoms, I think I may have it! But then again, I am a hypochondriac, but it fits so well.

33.

It definitely was a year of trying and another year of finding my footing again. It was definitely a year of struggling to feel normal and getting ready for a big change. It was a year in transition. My year in transition.

* * *

There are a lot of things that are shaken up in my life right now. Many things that are beyond my control.

The Carters leaving. Work going the route that it is going and just the dynamics changing and drama at work. Many things just out of my control.

33.

It definitely was a year of itching and fighting the comfortable and getting ready for the change. In a way, many of these changes are a welcome change, to get me out of this rut that I am in.

Maybe with the Carters leaving, I actually do need to make an effort to make new friends. I’m better at socializing, so, in a way that’s a growing experience that has improved.

I am learning new skills that will be beneficial for me at work. Maybe I can just find something else and with the company losing the business, maybe it is just the ungentle push that I need to get the fuck out.

As I told Blair when I first got hired that I’ll give him 5 years, ’cause that was what I told my mom when I got this job about the possibility of me moving home. I told her to ask me again in 5 years and I’ll see how I feel.

33.

Changes.

Decisions.

Maybe it is a year of me bracing for the decisions that I need to make to propel me into the next phase in my life, whatever that maybe.

Maybe I just need to man up and meet new people and maybe get in a relationship? Maybe it is just me realizing that me pining away over Ms. D is a lost cause and I just need to MOVE THE FUCK ON.

Move the fuck on.

I can’t read her at all, when I can pick up on these other things with other people. With her, she’s a black hole of information. Nothing but questions.

Changes. Moving on.

* * *

Changes. Moving on.

New day, new motivation to write.

33.

Looking back, it didn’t seem like it was any different than any other age of my 30s. I socialized when I wanted to socialized. I picked up and left for vacation whenever I needed to go away. I took my yearly pilgrimage home and spent time with family, bonding more with my little cousins more than I ever had.

Looking back, it really wasn’t much different than any other year.

It just was a different feeling in terms of feeling. That feeling of being lost was rearing its ugly head. I call it my mid-life and in a way it is.

I just feel like I’m at a crossroads. I need to make changes in my life. There are things that I want in life that I’m no closer to actually achieving.

Having a family. Maybe possibly being with someone. I need to make a start relatively soon. I’m not getting any younger.

* * *

As much as I fear that there is going to be a point of no return in the way that I’ll be too old to get into anything, too old to be in a relationship or too old to start a family; there’s a large part of me that isn’t scared. There’s that optimism again.

It has stuck with me for a while now. It showed up unexpectedly out of the blue one day many years ago and it has never left. I wonder if it had always been in me. That I’ve always had it, but I never trusted it. I don’t know, but it’s a live and breathing.

No fear. I’m too fast too furious. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. That’s how someone described me when they see how I’m dealing with my whole work’s situation.

I’m whatever about it, no matter what happens.

I don’t know whether it is my optimism that things will always work out for me, or if it was something that I had learned and picked up through my years to not sweat the stuff that I have no control over.

If I lose my job, I lose my job. I can always find another. Many are worried and shitting bricks, but I don’t know, it is something that I’m not worried about.

I guess I had always been the type of person that just takes whatever comes my way and make the best of it. I’ve always been the type that sits and waits and figure things out. If there are times that I feel a need for a change, I’ll take action to make that change.

But then again, there are times when I feel the push for the change and I just wait and sit and sit until that urge goes away. But I think for the most part, with those, I just don’t have a clear understanding of what I want.

It isn’t’ until I understand what it is that I want that I’ll act. And unfortunately I’m the person that won’t know until he knows.

* * *

33.

A transitional year. A year of finding and understanding.

Changes.

Did I grow in the past year?

I know that I want to grow and better myself as a person every year. I want to learn something new about myself or just better myself and work on a fault of mine every year. Did I do that?

I don’t’ know.

I think I’m a little more social then I have ever been. Grant it I don’t think I’ve gone out as much as I had in other years, but I’ve always been the type of person that goes out with certain people. I have made new friends and manage to hang out with some people more than I ever had.

Maybe that is progress. I’m not afraid to just ask someone to hang out. Maybe this year will be different, piggy backing off of that. Maybe things will change on the social front. Who knows?

I know I need something. I know I need something more than this comfortable existence that I have made and chose for myself. It’s been a long long time coming and I think it just might be the time, the year for me to make that change.

34 will be the year of making decisions. It’ll be the year of big changes. It’ll be a year of new.

* * *

Maybe it is just that I need a new challenge.

Life has gotten comfortable. It has gotten predictable in terms of what I do. I go to work. I’ll go socialize from time to time, but I’ll go to work, come home and just relax. Nothing changes.

I don’t meet new people, ’cause I don’t really give myself an avenue to meet new people. I don’t like to socialize in crowds and there are quite a few people that I find it hard to talk with. Searching for things to talk about is like torture whereas there are others that conversation flows without any stress.

Should I throw myself in these challenging situations to see if I can navigate my way through it? Should I treat it as a game? Maybe I should look at things in a different way.

Maybe instead of looking at these social gathers, whenever I get a chance to go, as a chore of uncomfortableness, I should look at it as a game of people watching and as a social experiment or social observation.

Just go and people watch. Maybe I’ll meet new people. Maybe I’ll meet new friends. Maybe it is all just for the experience of life.

I don’t know. I just need a challenge.

34.

It seems like it’ll be a year of mystery. I genuinely have no idea what is in store for me.

* * *

Rumblings and ramblings.

I have lost my thought and any cohesion in this post a long time ago. Like many posts nowadays, it has lost its purpose.

I just type and type hoping that something good comes out of it. I just hope that my intentions come out in these posts. I just hope that in a way it captures how I feel.

I guess it succeeded in that 33 does feel like this post. Wandering and questioning, not sure of what it is. Thematic bursts of coherency litter the post like it did my life.

Change. Change. Change.

I’m another year older, another year wiser…just a little dazed and confused this time around.

I’m 34. 34. 34. 34.

Like any new number, I don’t know what it’ll bring me. I just hope that it is something interesting and worth going through.

So, 33, I bid you adieu.

34. Bring it.

A character eludes me. I’m not sure how to write his motivation and his emotions. What is he feeling?

I’m lost in trying to find his heart. He’s such an interesting character, basing it on someone that I know. I know him but not really, you know?

I just need to type things into this void as I figure out how to proceed.

* * *

It’s been a little over a month since I have written anything on here. I have been back from the northwest, doing my daily workity work things and time just passed.

I have been busy with some writing here and there and just, I don’t know, passing time I guess.

Life. What is happening?

All that is looming is my Naming Day which is a little under a month away. I’ll be another year older and another year wiser.

What is there to say about it? I don’t know.

I just know that there is a need to do something with my life now, something different than the normal things that I have been doing as of late. Just something, you know? Just something worthwhile, a change perhaps.

What is that change? I don’t know, but there is a possibility that it’ll be coming soon as the decision is about to be made. Our fate hangs on it and I genuinely have no idea how things are going to go.

* * *

10 Years.

Looking back, 10 years is such a long time. I have started this blog almost 10 years ago. Started it because I just needed an outlet to let my feelings out. It was a suggestion of a good friend of mine at the time, a friend that no longer is one.

It was good for me, to just get everything out, to just write things out. My feelings. My raw emotions were laid out on these little pages of mine, these little entries. Slowly, bit by bit, word by word I got better. Or at least I think I had gotten better.

I have changed so much in the past 10 years, but not much. It’s a weird thing to see that I have just become a better version of who I was. I’m still the soft sentimental kid with dreams and hopes. I’m still the kind hearted guy who is shy and so aloof about life and life.

I’m just a better version of that as some aversions just simply melted away and other things were brought to the forefront of who I am today.

Time passes and I’m fixed just enough to move onto the next thing of my life, whatever that maybe.

* * *

10 years.

It was a bumpy road. A road of trials and tribulations, an arduous journey of open wounds and scars. But it wouldn’t be a good life if you came out of it unscathed without battle scars. It makes a boring story.

How exciting is my life story? How has my life been to date? Again, I would love to believe that it has been an interesting one. I think for the most part people would look at me and find interest in figuring me out. What do I do? What do I like? What kind of person am I?

I’m sure many people that I have met or have just a passing relationship with at work wonder that about me. Everyone is curious about the guy that hums around at work; dropping in and out of people’s lives rescuing them from their computer ails and work problems

Sometimes these passing relationships grow into something more solid and substantial — something less passing and something more permanent.

I wonder how many people wonder about that. Why do I choose the particular people that I tend to gravitate towards and spend more than my normal in and out fix the problem schedule?

I’m an enigma, or I would like to think and I’m sure many people do find me strange and curious.

But all in all, I’m an open book. It just takes some time to get use to my prose. My prose isn’t graceful or poetic. It’s just different.

* * *

I need to be more proactive in this coming change.

I know I need to make a change. I know possibly what those changes can be. But I don’t know for sure that those are the changes that I need to make until I know that I need to make them.

It’s a weird thing that I have. I won’t know until i know.

I’m always thinking about these changes, I’m always analyzing my life and how to improve it. I know the things that I need to do; I just need to be sure of it and actually act upon it. It’s never easy.

What can be the change? Dating? Moving? Doing something new? Accepting what I have now and deal with it?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

You came around and knock me on the ground from the start. I have come full circle today. You put your arms around me and I’m home.

I can’t collect my thoughts. They don’t come as easily as they once did before.

It’s been the story of my blogging tippity tappity for a long while now. Some days I’ll be ago to go and go and go, but maybe it is just all environmental and I’m not as prolific as I am when I am in Los Angeles.

Maybe. I don’t know.

I belong with you / you belong with me / You my sweet heart.

It is boiling down to my last day up here for a while. These will be the last few hours I am back home.

I’m here, in my usual away from my usual typing away, collecting whatever thoughts that are streaming in my head and trying to figure out what to do when I get back home.

There are some big decisions to make, assuming that I follow through with them. Maybe I’ll eventually calm down and just think reasonably and not do anything at all; just let things play out and play it by ear then.

* * *

It’s the typical Pacific Northwest day today; overcast and cool. The gray paints the city with an ambivalence of noncommittance. The day, life, decisions can go either way. It can lean towards the positive or the negative.

The day isn’t going to commit. It is leaving everything up to the user. Life.

Staring out the window, collecting my thoughts, I see the slight glimmer of the things to come. It may be quite all right. Things have a habit of working out in the end. It’s just a matter of how patient you are.

Life is a test of one’s patience. Everyone plays the game, but not everyone make it.

How patient are you?

* * *

A Thousand Years

Family.

I’ll love them for a thousand years and for a thousand more.

I actually did enjoy my time with family this weekend, especially with all the kids running around and just sitting around shooting the shit with my cousins.

I’m sad that my brother didn’t join in, sitting there, a little bored, hesitant to join in or just didn’t want to. I don’t know. It’s family. He never had problems socializing with family before.

But overall, it was good.

It’s funny to hear the compliments that one of my cousin’s wife gave me. She, in different verbiage, said that I was the best looking “Ho” in the family and that I am single.

Everyone just seems like they want to set me up. It’s just a little funny, but I can understand. It is what it is.

Everyone wants to meddle.

Things are changing. I can feel it. I can just taste it. The anticipation is building up.

Maybe that is what last year was about, the inevitable changes that I am going to have to go through. I was getting too comfortable and life is going to change. I’m just preparing myself for it.

Things are changing.

Times are a changin’

It’s just a matter of waiting and seeing where things go, whether it is me sitting back and going with the flow or me just taking life by the reins and going with it.

* * *

It’s coming. Just a little under three months. It’s coming.

I don’t know how I am going to feel about it. I really can’t say.

I would like to think that the day would come and I’ll just not realize it; that life would just go on as usual, nothing on my mind but the day at hand.

But I don’t know.

I haven’t seen him in my dreams as of late. But I still think he’s around. He’s always there, influencing me in some way or another.

10 years. Whoosh. 10 years.

I’m back again. It’s the third day in a row at my usual away from home, Tolino.

I am doing something I haven’t done in a while. I am writing without the lyrical 1s and 0s that I am so use to blaring through my ears. I totally forgot my headphones today on the landing floor.

Blah. I wonder how good my writing will be today.

I’m going into it blind also, not knowing what it is that I want to say. Do I ever know what I want to say? It seems that recently, I really don’t.

* * *

Happy Chinese New Year’s. Happy New Year.

It’s the first today.

I went to the temple with my mom last night. We paid our respects to our ancestors and the buddhas and prayed and worshipped.

It was a little different than I thought it would be. Lots of chanting and waiting for that one first stick of joss. It was the first wish of the new year and whatever you wished for will come true.

While there I met a few of my mom’s friends. They are friends from work. And I met Judy (or it could be Julie, but I’m sticking with Judy), the friend who helps her with this worshipping and temple stuff.

She seems like a very very lovely and nice lady. I’m glad my mom has a good friend that can help her with this stuff.

Something interesting came out of it though. Judy brought up that she would love it if my mom would find someone to spend her time with, another man. Because we all can’t be alone for the rest of our lives. I’m sure my dad would want the same thing.

It’s going to be hard for my mom, but I don’t know, I think she should do it. I felt this way for a while now. I wouldn’t have any problem if my mom finds someone. I told Judy that I agree, that my mom should find someone.

But I can tell that my mom was very comfortable when this came up, especially when I was around.

Honestly I don’t know if she’ll do it or not. I know that she’s a very traditional woman when it comes to this type of thing, but I do hope that she’ll reconsider. That if a man does come into her life, that she won’t close the door. I just want her to be happy and if finding someone else does, I’ll be happy.

* * *

Snoring.

My brother snores…big time.

It’s loud.

I just hope that I don’t snore that loud. But I just don’t know. I need to record myself one night.

* * *

It’s quiet here today. I’m the only one sitting here in the shop along with the barista-slash-owner.

It’s Sunday. I am thinking that most people are at church today. Being there with their Lord, getting saved.

So, I’m sitting here, without my music typing away as some kind of spanish muzak music blares over the intercom.

It’s going to be a different day indeed. Something different, something new, yet familiar to start out the new year.

New Years.

I do wonder which one I truly accept as the beginning of the new year or can I keep it separate. It’s like my second chance to do New Year’s right.

I don’t’ know.

* * *

Not having music is definitely doing something to my writing vibe. I just really can’t get into it, or I am, I just don’t know what to write.

What is there for me to write about?

Hmmm…

* * *

I need to take a break from the thinking. I’m coming to a crossroads and I really don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to be forced to do something soon.

I need to step back and not think about it for a while. I need to really think through this decision and think about what it will actually mean, and what will come out of it.

I can’t rush this.

* * *

I have a few stories outstanding. I think I have about three or four that I need to actually do.

It’s not a matter of finding the time to do it, it is more a matter of not being lazy and just fucking doing it.

Hopefully I can just do it. Just do it.

They all seem simple enough.

* * *

BLAH. Just BLAH with my writing today.

I need music.

Or something to write about.