Here we are again.

Sitting here, day of, fingers tapping.

44.

Another year older, another year wiser.

44.

Another year closer to the age my father passed away.

I feel it. It’s in my bones. It’s in my psyche.

I feel it.

43.

43.

It’s been a number, like any other number, but it’s been a little different too.

43.

Unmotivated.

That’s one word that I would use to describe my year. Unmotivated.

There was no motivation to do anything.

Not motivated to work.

Not motivated in my hobbies.

Not motivated to go out.

Not motivated to meet people.

Not motivated to cook.

No motivation.

43.

It’s been a tough number to just manage the basic day-to-day-ness of life.

Adulting was hard this past year.

Sure, I still did my work and still managed to do good work, but man, life was just blah.

I wake up with a blahness that is debilitating.

For sure, I can truly say, My Old Friend is back.

43.

Depression.

Adult depression.

Again, I’ve gone through waves of it throughout my adulthood. As I mentioned before, it’s a much different kind of depression that I was so familiar with when I was younger,

It’s a day-to-day functional depression, a fine line between existing and existing.

It lingers in the back, like a dewy mist slowly creeping through a field, but slowly dissipates by the morning sun. It’s there, but never too smothering.

43.

That was my number.

Why?

I genuinely have no concrete reason why, but considering everything, it’s hard to not see the many reasons.

I’m another year closer to the age when my father passed away. I know that it’s going to hit me hard because I don’t’ know what to expect. I have no expectations of my life beyond the number. I’m another year closer to a number that my father never saw.

In another month, on May 10th, it’ll be 20 years to the day that my father passed away. He’s always been on my mind for the past 20 years and will always be on my mind for however many numbers I have left in my life. I miss him.

I’m sad that he’s not here with me.

20 years.

Fuck May.

It’s approaching.

43.

Unmotivated.

Depressed.

Fine line.

My health.

I’m getting old.

I feel it. My body hurts. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My joints hurt.

I’m old.

Beaten.

I’m too lazy to exercise and make it better.

Unmotivated.

My heart works. It pumps, but so unhealthy. My cholesterol is the highest it has ever been. I thought I was fixing it last year, but it made it worse.

I need to change. I need to make an effort to give a shit about my health.

I need to make my life worthwhile; make the unreachable numbers mean something.

Make it worth something.

43.

Unmotivated.

Work. It happens. It’s another day, same job, another task. Unmotivated to do much, but I still do. I have to. I do what is asked and that’s all I can do.

The world.

The world crumbles around me. We’re moving back in time with our new laws and our new/old fears. Our world crumbles. Our nation divides.

Sigh.

It’s not a good time to be alive, considering how much good that we’ve seen and knowing that it could be so much better and then we reverse course and come to this shit.

Sigh.

43.

Hopefully 44 looks up on everything. I don’t know how much more of this ongoing ennui I can manage.

43.

It hasn’t been all bad. There were some good.

Traveling.

Back to traveling and exploring again. Started out strong early in the number with some new destinations and it continued from there.

I find myself needing to check out from my day-to-day and work and going someplace to rejuvenate far more frequently than the past. I can last no more than 2 months or so before I just need to take a few days off of work.

It was a pandemic thing, but I think it has been sticking since we are out of the pandemic now.

Will it be a permanent thing or will it change when/if life and the world gets back on track of getting better?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Getting to the number that my dad passed is really fucking with my head. I know nothing is going to happen. Nothing life changing will happen magically once I hit the number.

It’ll be an occasion that once I pass it, I’ll be older than my dad ever saw with each coming year. I have to deal with it. I have to come to terms with it.

43.

It’s definitely been a tough number for me.

It wasn’t one of the worst, but it’s been tough. There’s been many years that have been worse, but it’s just different.

Motivation.

I don’t know how to get it back.

I don’t know what I need to do to get back on the proverbial horse and just do things again.

I need to shake this funk that I’m in ’cause it’s not healthy.

Not healthy at all.

44.

Please be better.

Please help me find the motivation.

I know I’m another year older, another year wiser, but 43 felt like I didn’t learn much at all.

Rut rut.

Definitely in a rut.

The same thing happened 10 years ago. Rut rut.

It took me about two years to get out of it, and that was with professional help.

Maybe I can navigate it better.

44.

Maybe it’s a year of accepting and coming to terms with me and my life and everything.

44.

I’m a little scared.

I’m not going to life, but I am scared.

Here we are. Here we go.

2022.

Let’s go.

I’m not sure how this post is going to go, since it is the 23rd and I’m still “working” because of how the days lined up this year.

I’m down in LA, not going anywhere this year even though I was totally fine driving up again…maybe that not fine since I was just up there for most of September.

But willing.

2022.

How was it?

Honestly?

It could be worse.

It wasn’t bad.

It was a glimmer of hope that things are getting better and back to some sort of bearable normalcy that mimics the days of yore….and those days are “pre-pandemic” days.

There were many things that made it feel like any other year and that’s what I’m holding onto.

Here we go.

I’m not sure how this year’s bah humbug to all is going to go. I usually break it up into section, but like last year, I have no motivation for much of anything anymore.

So, here we go…..

Overall, the year ended up being pretty good.

On a global scale, it seems like the conservative bullshit is still there, but slowly dying.

Life strives as we tackle Covid and emerge from the pandemic better prepared. It’s still not over, but things are manageable.

For me, life got back on track with travel, work, and just something more bearable and that I’m quite okay with.

Work.

I’m not going to spend time here.

Still, FUCK WORK.

It’s gotten better.

I was able to finish the Crew Admin project that I was stuck on. I had to get some vendor help, but it’s finished.

I’ve settled on a routine and go into the office a couple of days a week or when things really come up and I’m totally okay with it.

Galette is pretty good at being home alone, so I’m not really worried about that anymore.

Projects come up. I finish or work on it.

Work is work.

I’m happy that I still have a job and a steady income, so I really can’t complain much.

2023

Let’s make it more manageable and better for me and my mental health, please?

I TRAVELED THIS YEAR.

And it was just the medicine to cure my old friend.

I definitely needed to fill this wanderlust thirst of mine. Being stuck at home for the past two years definitely killed me.

That changed this year with my trips.

Hawaii.

Nashville.

Home Home.

Napa.

There weren’t that many trips, but there were trips and that’s all that matters.

I got to explore a few cities that I never been too and experience a few new things.

2023.

What do you have in store?

I know for sure another Hawaii trip is booked and a trip home.

What else is there?

Napa for sure.

Paso for sure.

Anything else? Time will tell.

2023

Let’s keep wanderlusting.

Family.

2022 had been a great year for family too.

Home home was great.

Was able to hang out with a lot of family and make my rounds.

Galette was able to bond more with my mom and bro, which prompted them to get a new dog, Misu!

My bro finally got his Bernadoodle and she’s the cutest thing.

I hope they bring them as much joy as my little furkids brought me happiness and peace in my life.

Overall, there was great family time this year with uncles, aunts, cousins…everyone.

The past two years confirm that I do miss family and I need them in my life.

There are times when I catch myself thinking of moving back or going back more often.

Who knows?

Who. Knows?

2023….let’s family it up.

Let’s family it up.

Projects.

Nonexistent.

No motivation.

2022. It’s the year I got back into gaming.

I got a PS5 this year and I haven’t played this much video games since I was a kid and maybe when I was back in college with the original Playstation.

Something that I needed. Something mindless and it keeps me mindful, only focusing on the game at that time.

It has become my meditation.

Cooking use to be my meditation.

In a way it still is, but with this new diet, I haven’t really been cooking much.

Health.

It has been good this year.

No scared.

I think I found out what was causing my urine issue and that may have to do with my diet. It’s fucking weird, but let’s go with that.

I decided to start eating clean after my yearly physical. I mainly did a Whole 30 and then cut out white rice and saw that my cholesterol dropped 40 points.

I’ve been pretty much off rice and many of the foods that comes with rice (Asian food), for the most part, for the year. There are days where I would cheat and do eat rice or rice products, but they are very few and far between.

It’s been an experiment this year. I’m curious to see what my cholesterol would be from the physical in the next month or two.

It seems that rice and some gluten give me stomach issues. Inflamed intestines, trapped gas, stomach cramps, bloating, constipation. I still don’t know what specifically sets it off, but it’s something.

Am I exercising? Not much.

I walk as I normally do with Galette and try to get some hiking trips in, but there aren’t many.

2023, more hiking please.

2023.

Let’s get healthier…

Pets.

They both have been marvelous this year.

Relish is healthy and have always been a sweet darling bitch that takes no shit and loves me on her own terms.

There are some crusty stuff and bites on her, but I don’t know if they are dust mites or fleas.

Galette really came into her own this year and we’ve pretty much settled on a routine. She’s still a handful, but things are getting easier.

I don’t know if it is me tolerating her and knowing her better or if she’s actually getting better, but hoping things continue on this trajectory.

2023.

Let’s continue on!

Socializing.

It happens, but not as much.

Just the right amount.

Gotten to know a few people in the office better and that’s all that matters and that’s all that I can handle.

2023.

Maybe a little more?

Possibly?

Who knows?

2022.

You were a kick-off year.

An ease-in year to get us back on track and out of the pandemic.

Overall, it was a blessed year and the kind of year that I needed after the two fucking horrible years that we all just had.

I hope 2023 continues on and gets better.

2022.

I bid you adieu and a farewell.

2023.

Bring It.

Here I am. Here I go.

I’m on another one of my Hike & Wine Weekends.

Surprisingly this is the first one of the year, but to be fair, I’ve been traveling more this year than the past couple pandemic years.

This time, it’s Napa/Sonoma/Santa Rosa.

There are actually quite a few good hiking options around here. Most of it seem to be in the sun, but there’s hiking options here and close about.

After doing Paso the past couple of times, I think I needed a change, more hiking options, food options.

A change.

Change is always tough, but I enjoy change, especially when it comes to something like this.

It’s nice to treat yourself for a while. To check out from work, from life.

I needed rest. My body needed rest.

I’d been eating like shit for the past couple of weeks and my stomach is all jacked up. Probably won’t get back to normal scheduled programming until after Thanksgiving and get my stomach back on track.

We shall see.

Today will be my last full day up here and I don’t have much planned. I got an early dinner lined up, but nothing else.

No more hiking. No more physical adventure.

What am I going to do? No idea. Just explore I guess.

But so far so good.

Point Reyes was a pretty long but fairly easy hike to a waterfall by the coast. Went to a Sugar Loaf State Park a little closer to Napa/Sonoma and did about a 7 mile hike that was pretty much all up at first. Bald Mountain.

Met a local solo hiker up at the top and he pointed out a few hikes around the town that I would enjoy.

Next time. Next time.

I had one nasty dinner the first night I was here. Gravenstein. Maybe I ordered the wrong thing or maybe I was still kind of full from Ad Hoc Fried Chicken, but man, that wasn’t a good dinner.

Did a tasting menu on Saturday at the Farmhouse Inn. That was good.

Bouchon for lunch. Always a solid choice and some Mediterranean restaurant LaSalette in Sonoma for dinner. It was all right.

So far, I only went to one winery for a tasting. They were full for a “regular” tasting, so I opted to do a tasting by the glass. Pick a glass and drink and chill. I enjoyed it.

The wines were expensive, but hey, when in Rome. I bought a bottle of the 2019 Cab at Clos Du Val for Thanksgiving dinner. Makes it easier.

I really don’t want to cook.

Nice trip. Enjoying it.

I think I will make a Napa trip once a year. A good long weekend of hiking and eating and wine tasting.

The LIFE.

So, what’s been happening since my last entry?

Same shit.

Work is work.

Let’s not talk about it.

Mom decided to drive down and stay with me for over a week so she can attend Great Auntie’s memorial.

Overall, the drive down was good, until I got a blown tire. My fault. I saw the TPSM warning come on, but I ignored it when I shouldn’t have. Lesson learned.

The blowout happened around the Shasta area. Thankfully there was a tire store relatively close by. It delayed us 2 hours, but we managed to make it Big Auntie’s and spend the night.

The week with mom wasn’t bad. I opted to go into the office for a few hours while Mom chilled at home with Galette. They had a great time.

Watching mom bond with Galette, I never thought something like that will happen. She even allowed Galette to sleep in the bed with her. I had the futon of course.

We made it work.

Bro is finally getting a dog. They are getting a Bernadoodle and should pick it up the week of Christmas.

Mom will love the new dog. I think it’ll be great for them. Something to focus on and something for mom to focus on and keep her on her toes and get her out of the house.

It’ll change their lives for the better.

I can’t wait.

Unfortunately, I probably won’t meet the new dog until May when I go up for a wedding. I am not sure if I will drive up or just fly up. My summer and the year are still up in the air.

The only thing truly planned is the Hawaii trip. Other than that, not much.

Merry Christmas to them.

The day is still early. I need to figure out what to do.

Decisions decisions decisions.

Overall, this was a great decision. I needed a break like this from my every day and even my pets so I can rest and relax.

We all need something like this.

I’m thankful I have the privilege to do it.

Take your PTOs y’all!!

It’s been a while.

It’s been some time.

I’ve been meaning to get back to this for months..weeks, but it never happened.

I’ve been home home for about a week now and I had plans to do this during that time, but again, nothing.

Sure, I had been busy a few days, but there were days when I didn’t do anything but be home home.

Doing nothing.

Sigh.

Motivation.

Gone.

Life.

Not the same.

Pre-Pandemic Life > Pandemic Life.

That’s not to say that life currently is all that bad, it’s just different.

Just different.

Maybe that’s how things are now.

Just different.

What’s been happening in my life since my last entry?

It’s been about two months, maybe?

Well, in the grand scheme of things, not much has changed.

Working working working.

Unmotivated unmotivated unmotivated.

Life life life.

That’s the typical norm.

Sure, I got a two week vacation back home home to spend time with my family and then a week or working remotely and then it’s back to my regularly scheduled program.

Work. Unmotivated. Life.

I did get a new car and a PlayStation 5.

Those are about the only new things in my life.

I love the car. 2022 Honda Civic Hatchback EX-L. It should last me, hopefully, a good 15-20 years and by that time there would be a proliferation of electric vehicle and hopefully a better infrastructure that will benefit electric vehicles for my needs.

Currently it’s not there yet. Not enough fast charging stations and not convenient to charge the car, especially on long road trips.

That’s the biggest reason why I got a gas guzzler. Electric is not there yet and I’m betting that in 15-20 years’ time, we’ll have some things better planned out and implemented.

Until then, I’ll be adding onto my carbon footprint.

PlayStation 5.

We’ll, that was a surprise to me since I never really played any games with my ps3, but now I am. I think I need a distraction from streaming TV and find another way that I can work my brain and turn off my brain at the same time.

I can’t read anymore.

Books sit unfinished for months and years at a time.

I told myself that I would make a big dent in Dune while I’m home home, but alas, I have not even opened up the book. Sigh.

My brain doesn’t function that way anymore. Work messed me up.

I’m tired.

My brain is tired.

My body is tired.

Work. Unmotivated. Life.

Sigh.

All I can do is glance and skim at short memes or articles on imgur or reddit.

I’ll read some short news stories from whatever aggregator that I’m using and that’s it.

I’m kept informed about the world and then I go carry on my solitary existence.

Life.

Not really that different from my pre-pandemic life, but it’s just different.

Just different.

Just different.

Sigh.

Just. Different.

Home home.

Just different.

I was lamenting the other day while I was away out alone with Galette that my days home home are just different now. I don’t have the luxury or the freedom of spending it alone anymore.

During pre-pandemic times, whenever I get home home, I’d spend many of my days and times here by myself with Pickles as my company. I’d be able to plan big hiking trips or extended hiking trips.

Now, with my bro WFH and my mom retired, they are always here. I don’t get the alone time anymore.

Whenever I leave by myself, there’s a pang of guilt that I’m not including my mom or even my bro at times.

That’s a me issue. I’m sure they don’t care and I need to get used to it, but there’s a sense of guilt there for some reason.

So, I do make an effort to find and do things with my mom. I’d like to get her out of the house and active and be able to explore the state that she’s spend a majority of her life living in.

She’s worked so hard day after day and she never got to explore and do things.

So, I plan days where we explore.

It started last summer when I took her hiking with me at Snoqualmie Falls and Hoh Rain Forest.

This year I took her to Whidbey Island. I never been on a ferry before nor have I ever explored any of the islands. So why not?

Let’s explore.

We spend the day driving through Whidbey and getting a nice lunch.

Our next adventure was hiking. I took mom to Wallace Falls State Park and hiked to the lower falls. She had problems. Too many ups and downs on the hike. But we did four miles.

We then stopped by Leavenworth for lunch. It was quaint.

I only had one alone day as I slipped out to spend the afternoon by myself. Mom had a dentist appointment, so I ended up exploring Ruston again and explored Tacoma. I drove past the old house and old familiars to see how the city changed.

Every time I come up, it looks just different.

I went to visit dad at the cemetery, along with grandpa and grandma and uncle and aunt. I brought Galette with me and introduced her to them.

I originally kept her in the car, but she kept yelping and there was a ceremony happening and I didn’t want her yelping to interrupt.

Galette behaved while she was with me.

Life.

Just different.

The coming week will be a crapshoot. I don’t have much planned as there are so many things up in the air.

We are ramping up to Sinh & May’s wedding. Aunties and other family will be coming in town and I’m sure there are family things to do so I am not sure what days will be dedicated to dinners and such.

Also, I don’t know if I’ll be needed to chauffer mom and aunties around.

No fucking clue.

Maybe I can slip a day or two of adventure. Who knows?

Also, the weather could be shit too.

Hahha

Sigh.

Tired.

Tired.

Mount Rainier.

Tuesday I went to Mount Rainier for the first time ever since I got into hiking. I’ve been back here so many times that I never been.

Much of it had to do with having Pickles with me and not having anyone to watch Pickles while I’m hiking, but I took advantage of having my bro and mom at home and had them watch Galette for the day while I went.

Wow.

Just wow.

It’s such a beautiful park and I only explored a small portion of it.

I did the popular Skyline Trail. Majestic.

It fucking kicked my ass.

My body was so tired after it.

I’m out of shape.

Definitely will make use of having free dog sitters for the day and go back again and again.

Looking forward to it and more hikes.

Travel travel travel.

Travel seems to be back in swing, for me at least….for the time being.

No trips planned until the big road trip home in September, but there may be more coming in later this year.

In the meantime, let’s chat about Nashville.

Again, Nashville had always been on my list but was never high. It’s a city that I could have never gone to and be okay with it, because what is there to do in Nashville?

This was another one of my must use credits or forfeit trips and it was one that fit within the budgetary range.

Nashville.

All I did in Nashville was chase waterfalls..

I didn’t realize how many state parks and how nature friendly it was until I got to visit. I did some rough research before I went and realize it’ll be a great place to go hiking.

Many of the places were no more than 2 hours away and many of the hikes to the falls were really short. Maybe less than a mile, but no more than two miles depending on where I went.

It’s a beautiful state with a lot of space and land.

Literally it seems like every 10 minutes on the major freeways there is an exit to a State Park.

After visiting, I definitely would like to go back and explore some more.

Many of the hikes I went to were about 2 hours away and were surrounded by small towns. Driving around the different neighborhoods, I was amazed by the state’s beauty but also the amount of land.

I see mansions surrounded by acres and acres of land on their property.

Beautiful.

It’s so secluded and so far removed from any main street or fair, so you have to drive everywhere.

Seems like a place that I wouldn’t mind living when I’m older and am done with people and retire.

Maybe it’s a place I wouldn’t mind moving to now.

I stopped by a few mom and pop restaurants while I was out in these small town neighborhoods and everyone I met seemed so nice and friendly. I never felt any sense of animosity or racism there.

Maybe it’s because I’m Asian and we do experience a little less racism than blacks, but it also could be that the people there are genuinely nice and friendly. I’m not going to make assumptions but just go with my experience.

During the majority of my trip in Nashville, my day would be hiking during the day and getting back to the hotel around 3 or 4pm, nap and then explore downtown Nashville at night.

I would take a Lyft to and from downtown. I stayed close about a mile away so it was convenient and cheap.

Didn’t want to deal with parking and parking rates along with driving when I know I’ll be drinking.

The downtown area was cool, but small. The vibe is almost like any metropolitan downtown, but they do shut down parts of Broadway (their main street where all the bars/restaurants) are so people can walk freely since it can get so crowded.

Downtown was all right. I walked up and down Broadway and the side streets and explored.

The food overall was all right. I wasn’t blown away by it, but still good.

The BBQ was good.

The Nashville Hot Chicken was overrated. Maybe it’s where I went, Hattie B’s (one of their most popular hot chicken restaurants) and it wasn’t what I expected.

I got the spicy, thinking that it’ll be hot given my limited experience with hot chicken here in LA, but there was no spice. The fry was great. The chicken itself was really good, but not spicy at all.

I don’t understand all of these reviews saying that they can only do mild because it is so spicy. I don’t get it.

While at a bar/restaurant on my 2nd night there, someone sat down next to me after getting food at the Assembly Foodhall from Prince’s Hot Chicken (another popular OG hot chicken restaurant) and he said it wasn’t spicy at all and he too got the spicy.

Heat is relative I guess.

I was tempted to go back and try their hottest level but I didn’t want to wait in line. I waited in line the first time and got disappointed, so pass.

After dinner I would walk downtown some more to work off the calories and pop in and out of bars/restaurants getting a drink and watching the live shows.

One thing that I do love about Nashville is being able to go into any restaurant and sit and watch live music. It’s great. It’s a whole different vibe.

Loved it.

Eventually I would settle in one place getting a few drinks, watching the entertainment until I feel it was time to get a Lyft back.

It was a great trip. It worked for me.

On the last full day in Nashville, I did a few museums and explored the city and walked a lot of the downtown area.

The National Museum of African American Music was fantastic. Thoroughly enjoyed my time there.

Nashville.

I chased waterfalls.

I’ll do it again.

From solo traveling to traveling to see family.

Over the July 4th weekend, I drove up to FresHELL, otherwise known as Fresno, for my cousin’s wedding.

It’s the middle of the year, outdoor wedding, in the heat of Fresno.

Sigh.

Thankfully the heat died down and it actually wasn’t too bad during the actual ceremony and reception after.

Overall, it was great. I had a great time seeing and hanging with family again.

I had a great time catching up with family again and it’s sad that we don’t get to do it as often.

Next year, there will be two weddings that I may go to.

One in Hawaii that I still need to plan and extend my stay to make a vacation out of it and another back home.

I caught up with cousins I normally don’t catch up with and just had a good time.

I didn’t have to do much at all in terms of tasks. Obligatory pictures and what not. Ate a lot of food and had a few good laughs and an enjoyable time.

Along with seeing family, I also got to see and catchup with my old roommates. I haven’t seen them in close to 20 years or so and it was just great to see them again.

The last time I saw them was probably in 2005, for one of their weddings.

The one roommate that I had a crush on couldn’t be there since her family got covid, but it was nice to see the other two. Thinking back on it, it didn’t seem like they’ve changed at all or I remember how they were.

I got a chance to introduce them to my mom and my mom thanked them for taking care of me.

It was sweet, but holy fuck, it was great seeing them again.

One of them got hot. I don’t know if my taste in women changed as I gotten older or that she got hot or that she’s always been hot, buy she was looking good.

I still remember her feisty personality that she still has.

Man, 2001. It was such a different time. It was such a different me. So much has changed throughout all of these years.

But man, it was good catching up.

Hopefully it won’t be another 20 something years before we see each other again.

Hopefully.

Here we go.

Here we are.

Been trying to write this for a few weeks now but never did.

Laziness.

Motivation gone.

That’s my motto for the pandemic years.

Fuck motivation.

2022.

2019.

That was the last year that I did a special week.

Sedona.

I had to stop writing to go back to my pictures and figure out where I went.

My memory. Gone with each passing year.

Shorter and shorter.

2022.

A short hiatus as the world crumbles around us. A short hiatus as we lock ourselves up to save ourselves, but eventually it’ll be our downfall because…..”gestures wildly with my hands around”.

Fuck this world.

Hawaii.

O’ahu.

As I stated earlier in my yearly another year older, another year wiser I spent my #specialweek in Hawaii.

My first time and why not.

I book this trip way back in December as I had to use my airline credits from my cancelled 2019 trip, or I lose out on it. So, why not.

Overall, Hawaii was great.

I had a great time exploring the tiny island. I had a great time doing what I do best, explore and eat.

My yearly #partyofone solo adventure of treating myself.

I saw some amazing views, had some amazing food, and went on some great hikes.

I stayed in Waikiki, and it was crowded and very touristy.

Definitely convenient when it came to terms of food and amenities, but damn, if there wasn’t a lot of people there.

It felt surreal to see so many locals, people that have some resemblance to me, prominent Asian features speaking perfect un-accented English and knowing they are citizens of the US.

We’re definitely not in the lower 48 states anymore.

Also, the variety and the convenient access to so many different kinds of Asian food were mind blowing.

Chinese, Japanese, Malaysian, Indonesian, Indian, Korean.

They are everywhere.

I definitely need to go back and do another trip and that might be coming a lot sooner than expected. Might go back in February for a cousin’s wedding.

But I don’t know what my plans are yet and if my bro is going to go. Depending on what, I might just stay in O’ahu for the wedding and an extra day and probably try a different island. Maybe Maui or the Big Island.

I need to get away from the tourists. I need to get away from the people.

Would February be a great time to go and explore? I don’t know, but it’ll cheaper if not wetter.

Sigh.

Decisions decisions.

First night & Day 1.

I got in late afternoon on Thursday. I haven’t flown in over two years so wasn’t sure how bad the security line at LAX is. I got there like 3 hours early and the flight was a little delayed.

But I got in and made it to the hotel did a quick shower and went to dinner.

I went to MW Restaurant. Overall, it was good. My first night and it was a fine dining experience. I did the tasting menu with wine pairing.

Why not splurge.

#specialweek.

Treating myself.

After dinner, went back to the hotel and went to bed. I was still working on PST and it was past midnight.

Morning morning.

I got up, got ready and went to Leonard’s for some malasadas. I got three, two stuffed and one plain and surprisingly, I enjoyed the plain ones better. It was good though. Something about fried dough with sugar. It was bliss.

The plan for the day was drive to North Shore and do a pillbox hike and get some garlic shrimp and drive around to the other side of the island and back. That’s exactly what I did with a stop at a botanical garden.

Of course, I got lost and took the wrong exit even though I had google maps.

I enjoyed the drive, embracing and admiring the many different views that O’ahu had to offer.

I spent a few hours at the Waimea Falls as I didn’t really have a plan or a designated schedule. I let the day slip away and do whatever I needed to do.

After Waimea Falls, I did my first hike in Hawaii, the Peace Pillbox hike. It was pretty easy and not crowded, but the weather could have cooperated. It didn’t rain rain but it did rain here and there which made the ground very slippery.

I slipped a few times but managed to not fall flat on my ass. The low-key of North Shore was pretty chill. Definitely a world apart from Waikiki.

After the hike, I continued my drive and got some Giovanni’s Garlic Shrimp at the food trucks. It was pretty fucking good. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty fucking good and simple and the hot sauce was good.

I walked around a bit at the food trucks and then continued my drive down the windward side of the island.

It’s so much quieter there. Not crowded. My kind of chill.

I pulled out and explored the Kualoa Regional Park and saw the Chinaman Hat for a bit before continuing my drive back to Honolulu.

It rained here and there, but nothing too bad.

I got back to the hotel and rested a bit before I went to dinner at Helena’s. I wanted to get some authentic Hawaiian food and it did not disappoint.

I got some poi, macaroni salad, and some short ribs.

The macaroni salad hit different there. It was very black pepper forward and it was so good. Not as creamy as the deli style but man, I don’t know what it is, but so good. I mean Ono’s macaroni salad is good, but not Helena or even Hawaii macaroni salad.

The short rib was amazing. Good char and great taste and they had a better grade of beef. They used Choice beef and you can taste it.

After dinner, I walked around Waikiki to get my lay of the land and scope things out.

Day 2

I had it all planned, out, drive out to Ka’Ena Point Natural Area Reserve and do the hike, the the pink pillbox hike and then back. Easy peasy, but I fucked up.

But let’s roll it back. Morning.

Coffee.

Every morning there, I’d wake up, get ready and go find coffee. It’s to help me shit, but that’s TMI, but who cares.

I’d get my iced coffee and walk Waikiki. I’d walk the streets getting my steps in, getting my coffee in, working my stomach so I can go and not worry about it during the day.

I guess I miss my morning walk routine back at home with walking Galette in the morning and I continued it while I was there. Will I do the same in Nashville? No clue.

But. Yeah, I fucked up. The plan was to drive up the Western Shore of O’ahu to the reserve. I didn’t check the map, believing there’s only one way there.

Google Maps took me inland instead.

I made the best of it. Instead of hiking the full 5 files, I did only halfway and hiked back and then drove back to the right place to the cave. I didn’t hike the remaining trail. I was over it with my fuck up

The hike at the regional area was pretty chill. It wasn’t crowded. I hiked along the bluff and the rocky beach. Lots of camp sites and fishing. It was a quiet day.

I got to the western tip within the reserve and then hiked back.

I drove back to the coast and continued my drive north and stopped to get some Poke. It was good. I was craving some poke and it hit the spot. I think it was my first poke in Hawaii. It was good.

I explored the cave and saw where I was supposed to go that morning, but I turned around and headed to the Pink Pillboxes.

Ahh, this hike. I fucked up here too.

I didn’t realize there were two ways up the hike. One, an easy hike up using switchbacks. Two, a straighter way up and up and up with cables to pull yourself up.

Guess which way I went up? Yep. Two.

I was like, how is this an easy hike? There were times when I was like, I should go down and stop, but I was stubborn. It was like me fucking up in Orro De Montana State Park and taking scrambling up the cliff side of Mt. Valencia.

But overall, I got up to the top and it was pretty great. I had a great time in the pillboxes and rested a bunch.

I got down around 3ish and then headed back to Waikiki. I didn’t have any plans, so I went to the Rainbow Drive in and got a late lunch. Again, macaroni salad was amazing.

But holy fuck was traffic was a nightmare.

After lunch I went back for a nap and then that evening decided to walk the park that was part of the canal next to the hotel. I walked and walked and walked and traffic was more and more fucked.

After the walk, I explored Waikiki again, knowing that I’d be grabbing a late dinner (for me anyway) at the Korean restaurant across the street from my hotel.

To my surprise it was the Spring Festival. They closed down the main street of Waikiki and vendors setup their little shops to sell. No wonder traffic was bad. I walked up and down the street looking at all of the vendors and the food, swerving in and out of the crowd.

There was a part of me that was like, should I be wearing a mask and another part that was like, glad to experience some pre-pandemic normalcy again.

I managed to get the late dinner at the Korean restaurant and went back to the hotel because I know I had a full day again the next day.

#specialday

The day.

I had a full day planned that day and for the most part, it went according to plan, albeit things go reshuffled.

The first thing I did was my morning walk and coffee.

Then it was off to my first big adventure, hiking Wiliwilinui Ridge Trail. I wrote about my experience in my another year older, another year wiser post so I won’t be writing much about it here.

It was a life affirming hike about my mortality and my will to keep living and not endanger myself. I’m sure it wasn’t as dramatic as I am putting it, but it was a little too dangerous for me being out there alone on my birthday.

Next, I planned on doing the Diamond Head Crater trail. It was packed and crowded. I made the mistake of driving into the park for parking. There wasn’t any and I was impatient, so I left and decided to come back.

Next stop, drive the rest of the island and the next thing on the list was the Lighthouse trail. It was a simple trail up to the main lookout and it gave me beautiful views of Lanikai beach. It definitely was majestic and beautiful.

I thought I would do the Lanikai Pillbox hike next, but I couldn’t find any parking. It’s a popular spot, especially the beach area and I didn’t want to spend my whole day finding parking, so I left. I drove around, thought about food but didn’t stop anywhere.

I then went to the Byodoin Temple. It’s a Buddhist Temple that you walk through and a small garden and a few giant koi ponds.

It was a cool spot to just chill for a bit and get some food, albeit it was fucking expensive as hell. $10 for four gia goi, imperial rolls. But I’m on vacation. I do what I want.

One thing I noticed about Hawaii, besides the many exotic local birds was that there are a lot of free-range chickens roaming around. I’m sure they are wild chickens, chilling, minding their own damn business.

After the temple, it was time to make my way back to Waikiki and I stopped by the Nuuanu Pali Lookout for one final panoramic view of Lanikai and then I was off to Diamond Head.

Instead of paying for parking inside, I decided to park outside at a park. I illegally parked there. I was told by the security guard after I got back from the hike. C’est la vie.

The hike was good. It was very easy and not that strenuous at all. It was all up, but very manageable. I actually made really good time going up.

The views of Waikiki were great and then it was time to go back and rest.

I didn’t know where to go for dinner that night, so I decided to get reservations at Morimoto Asia. Overall, it was good, but it wasn’t great. I’m sure I could have gone to another restaurant that was better and more expensive, but meh. I had a good meal and that was all that matters.

After dinner, I did what I do best and that was walk around Waikiki some more before heading back to the hotel.

The last full day.

I didn’t have much planned besides city walk. The last full days of my vacations are usually left exploring the city.

I decided to walk to Chinatown and explore. It was about three miles away.

After my morning coffee and walk, I went to the International Market to Liliha Bakery for breakfast and had my first Loco Moco. It’s a simple dish, but it was pretty good.

After breakfast and a small rest, I was on my way. I didn’t really have a set schedule or plan, so I slowly made my way there.

I stopped by the Ala Moana mall on the way there. It’s a giant ass mall with a shit ton of stores and a giant food court and many restaurants. I spent some time there and across the street at the park before making my way to Chinatown.

I stopped and checked out the Royal Palace that was on the way and then to Chinatown.

It was dead. It was dying. It was sad.

Some places were setup like a farmer’s market, big open area with different shops and such for produce, meat and ready-made food. Maybe it was a Monday and everything was closed, but holy fuck, it was empty.

I didn’t get anything to eat but found a bar that was open and stopped by there.

After a beer or two, I really thought about ubering or lyfting back, but walked back instead. No rush, no agenda. A leisurely walk.

For dinner I went to a cheap no frills lunch plate restaurant for some garlic shrimp and poke. It was good, but nothing to write home about. I walked around Waikiki some more, caught a final sunset and then got a few beers at the bar downstairs.

I had a later flight on the day I was leaving so I had some time to kill before I head to the airport, extra extra early again.

Morning walk and coffee, took my time in packing and checking out because I wanted to grab some food before I left.

Itchy Butt didn’t open until 10 or maybe 11. I got there when it opened, got my food and found a final lookout to have my lunch.

The fried chicken was amazing. It was a good fried chicken rice bowl, definitely would want to go back.

The view of Waikiki was great and then it was off to the airport and the end of my trip.

Hawaii.

O’ahu.

It was a #specialweek trip to remember, and I will definitely be back to explore other islands. I can’t wait.

Lacking.

I’m lacking….everything.

Seems like that’s been the theme for me this year, lacking.

I’m lacking everything and it’s killing me.

I have no motivation for anything. I have no motivation to live, to work, to enjoy life, to travel.

2021.

Lacking.

Sigh.

Looking back, I don’t know which year was worse, 2020 or 2021, but I think 2021 might have to take the title of Worst Year.

I think with 2020 there was a sense of hope that we can come out of this soon or eventually once we have safety measures in place like vaccines and what not.

2021 came and we have these safety measures and COVID still spreads. Omicron.

Fuck.

2021.

Lacking.

I’m tired. So tired.

Drained of everything that is life affirming.

2021.

Are you over yet?

Lacking.

I put this off for so long. I tried to write this for many days now but I couldn’t start.

Procrastinating as usual.

My yearly bah humbug to all…not sure how it’ll go.

Is it even worth looking back over this year? Do I even want to document this?

2021.

Here we go.

Like last year, it was a GROUND HOG DAY OF A NIGHTMARE but there’s more. The glimmer of hope that things might change and get back together dims every day as we stay work from home and keeping up with precautions.

In general, overall 2021 have been fine on my personal life scale.

For the world? It was a continuation to the disaster of last year in all aspects from Anti-Vaxers to QAnon Dumb Fucks and now we get to tack on Seditionists and Traitors.

Yay..’Murica!

We’re living up to the American dream. We should be damn proud that the sanctity of our democracy is on the brink of collapse.

2021.

Such a shit show.

With COVID spreading again with Omicron after Delta and other strains, we are back to rising infections again, even though we have the vaccine and booster shots.

Thankfully Omicron have milder symptoms even though it is more transmissible.

Let’s see what 2022 have in store for us in terms of new variants and numbers.

Fuck. I don’t even want to think about it.

Fuck you 2021.

2021.

Life overall was fine.

Stayed home like we should and worked.

There weren’t many new things that happened in 2021 except for Galette.

Galette changed up my life in 2021 and overall, it has been for the good, but dude, she’s a wild one.

I do have to admit, slowly but surely, she is warming up my heart.

Relish doesn’t feel the same way, but Galette did add some spiciness and unexpectedness in my ho-hum no frills life. She’s filling a giant hole what was left by Pickles.

She’s one of the only good things of 2021.

I’m happy to see how Galette changed and light up my mom and brother too. I never seen my mom laugh and giggle so much from a dog and it’s heartwarming.

I even see my bro spend minutes petting Galette.

Definitely a welcome addition our home.

For that, 2021, thank you.

Thank you very much for this little bright light that cuts through the darkness of this year.

2021

My old friend is back. He probably was here last year, but he’s coming with a vengeance.

I feel it.

The darkness enshrouds me.

It’s not suffocating like it was when I was younger, but it lingers.

When will he leave? I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Relish.

We made it through another year together.

I know she became more affectionate after Pickles crossed the rainbow bridge. I was worried that she would stop once I got Galette, but no, she’s still trying to get on me and give me some love, kneading biscuits all over my lap. She tries whenever she can even though Galette fights her for my attention.

Relish doesn’t give up.

I love her.

I miss her.

2021.

Work.

Fuck work.

I over work.

I feel so unmotivated to do anything.

I know some of it have to do with the current project I’m working on and I don’t know how to do it and it’s just pressure I’m putting on myself.

I’m happy to have a job, but I’ll be happier if I’m rich and retired.

I’ll continue to truck on, working working, but c’mon….let me hit the lottery or something.

2021.

The year of memestocks and MOASS.

Just do it so I can retire.

I believe it will happen and I’m waiting a little impatiently, but I’ll be holding strong until it happens.

Family

Family is striving and doing well.

2021 – The Year of Family Revisited

Here’s another glimmer brightness of 2021, family.

I decided to drive home during the summer this year for my vacation and brought Galette with me. I wanted my family to meet her and I had no idea how they would react or how Galette would react to them.

From my previous posts and from above, they are getting along swimmingly.

Throughout my time here during the summer I saw a lot of family I haven’t seen in years, even pre-pandemic.

Throughout the year as other family visited CA or me visiting Fresno too, I realize I do miss family and it’s been such a soul nourishing thing that I was definitely lacking the last couple of years.

It was one of the reasons why I decided to drive up over Christmas break too. I can work from anywhere, so it’ll be easier to drive up and take Galette with me and have an extended winter break stay.

Family.

They are important and see how much joy Galette brings them, I want them to have that joy as much as they can.

Family. I love you.

The bright spots of this dreary year.

2021. Thank you for that.

During the summer I was able to see my LA family over July 4th weekend. It was for Great Aunties 91st Birthday. That was the first time that I ever went out and saw so many people and I was glad that I was vaccinated and was able to do it. That was the last time that I saw Great Auntie too. She passed away on October 25th.

She’s in a better place, not in pain, and with Great Uncle. I miss her.

Travel.

Like last year, I didn’t get to travel much. I got one real trip this past year and that was an extended weekend in Paso. I was able to go hiking and enjoy some wine and good food.

That was it. Not much else besides the two road trips home.

Next year, if all things go well, I have a trip to Hawaii and Nashville.

I have two weddings also. One in Fresno and the other back home.

2022. Don’t fuck it up.

Projects

Nonexistent.

I gave up on my art project. I was lacking.

No motivation.

I thought I would get some done during this winter break but nope. Nothing.

Nothing at ll.

I didn’t even cook as much this year either.

Things that I do for meditation, I don’t do anymore.

Lacking.

Sigh.

Socializing.

HA.

Well, besides family there was one happy hour for the RAI girls, but that was about it. Didn’t see many people.

I still try and maintain my Movie Mondays (now Tuesdays) but other than that, I really don’t interact with anyone or hardly ever leave the apartment.

Sign.

Health.

I’m fucked.

Had some heart scares earlier this year and it was just irregular heartbeats that I shouldn’t be worried about.

I should still maintain some exercise to get my heart pumping, but that’s about it.

I did have some knee problems but it turns out that my legs are too tight and needed to be stretched so I’m not overcompensating when I’m walking.

I’m managing my health.

I still have stomach issues and it seems I’m having some issues in my nethers…not that, but something else but I’m not too concerned. Everything is working as it should be.

Mentally, as discussed, I’m NOT OKAY. Not even close to being okay.

2021.

It’s been a tough year. Tougher than most and dare I say, tougher than 2020.

I don’t know what 2022 would bring and I’m too afraid to ask.

I’ll take it a day at a time.

That’s all the power I have and hope for the best and make each day the best.

Maybe I’ll try and get out more, meet more people when it is safe.

Maybe I’ll do some art dabbling and more cooking, but not for a project.

2022.

No expectations. None.

Just live.

Just live and do.

2022.

Just be.

So, here’s to the suckiness that was 2021.

An adieu to you.

2022.

Be gentle. Be kind.

The count. 6.

6.

This would be my sixth entry in this little void of mine this year. This is probably my least output ever.

I’m sure there were years that came close, but I had an excuse, my writing projects.

I don’t have any writing projects this year. Nothing.

With us being in an extended lockdown and this is a new normal, I have nothing going on.

I’m just….un-motivated.

Life.

This is life now.

Procrastination.

Irresponsible.

Just make it through another day.

Make it through another month.

Another year.

Life.

October 25, 2021.

Great Auntie passed away.

Her health had been declining for the past couple of months. She’d been in and out of hospice/hospital and now, she’s at rest.

The funeral will be next weekend, but mom won’t be coming with the pandemic and all. I’ll be there.

I must.

I haven’t gone over to uncle’s that much in the past year or two due to the pandemic. Didn’t want to expose myself or my aunts and uncles because they are older.

Thankfully, after most everyone was vaccinated, I was able to go visit and party with them over the 4th of July weekend for Great Auntie’s 91st birthday party.

It was great seeing everyone again, but sadly that would be the last time I see her.

Work.

Fuck Work.

I don’t know how long it has been, but I’m feeling it.

Maybe it’s been during the whole pandemic, but my old friend is back.

As mentioned before, it’s not the old friend that I grew up with, but the more mature grown-up version of it.

The meh-ness and blah blah of life.

I don’t remember if this is the same one that I went to therapy for or not, but I know it’s here.

It’s different.

I don’t know which is worse, but this one slowly sucks the motivation out of me. It sucks the productivity out of me.

Life.

Just a blahness of meh and mahs.

When will it end?

How can I cope?

I don’t know.

Time?

It’s always time.

Time is the answer for this little passive life liver.

It’ll get better.

The light will shine through.

There will always be light.

It’s been a while.

Well, not that long of a while but a while none the less.

I’m back. I’m home since the last posting.

Overall, my first real family vacation road trip back to the home country went really well.

My mom warmed up to Galette really quick and I never thought I would ever see my mom play with a dog even if it is my dog.

My mom never really interacted with Pickles that much because Pickles was very very chill.

Galette is a different story. Hyper. Puppy with all of that puppy energy.

I loved that they bonded the way that they did.

My bro warmed up to Galette too, albeit a little slower, but eventually caved. The same with my mom, he never really interacted with Pickles because Pickles was much older when they first met and was so much calmer.

Family.

Road trip.

It was good. It was a much-needed trip to see family again after so long apart due to the pandemic.

I made an effort to see most if not all my family that I keep in touch with or care about. I visited and caught up with many of my cousins and their families.

Much needed.

When will be the next time I’ll be up? Christmas?

Possibly. Maybe.

I haven’t decided yet.

I have decisions to make. Do I fly or do I drive?

Should I board Galette for 2-3 weeks or just the week-and-a-half that is break?

If I drive, I can stay up there for an extended time without worrying about Galette or the additional cost of boarding her.

I have decisions to make.

I’m sure I’ll figure something out in the next couple of months, but if I want to fly up, I should get tickets soon.

We shall see.

We shall see.

The weekend after my trip, I went up to Fresno and visited my cousins there.

Their whole family came back from across the country to visit and they wanted me to take family pictures for them.

I happily obliged since I haven’t seen all of them in well over a year also. Last time I saw them was Chinese New Year’s of 2020.

It was good seeing them all again.

Now, I’m back, here, settling into the normal of hermitude.

It feels so good.

So so good.

Normal.

I’ve been cleaning a lot lately.

Deep cleaning.

I don’t know when was the last time I did a cleaning like this, but definitely been a while and I’ve been doing it for the past couple of weeks.

Besides my normal floor sweeping and mopping, I cleaned and wiped down my shelves, deep cleaned the oven and microwave and the fridge.

It’s been a while.

The last time that I went all out was probably 2019 when I knew my mom would stop by the apartment for our trip to Spain.

But since then? I have no idea.

What brought on this bought of cleaning?

New TV?

I bought a new TV and am waiting for delivery.

But is that really the reason or is there something else?

Depression?

I don’t feel depressed. My old friend doesn’t feel like he’s back, but then again, for years, my old friend feels very very different from what I remembered.

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m trying to be better at taking care of myself and my life and my responsibilities.

Maybe I’m tired of not being so lazy.

Maybe.

Now let’s see if I can be a little more responsible with my health and my heart.

I haven’t been following my cardiologist’s advice in doing cardio.

I need to sweat, but I don’t do much.

Overall, I feel fine health wise besides some tightness in my legs and arms.

I need to stretch more.

I need to do a lot more, but just too lazy and irresponsible to.

Hahhaa. I’m a living contradiction.

I need to get better and take care of my shit.

Let’s see when that’ll happen.

Let’s see.

Work.

Fuck Work.

I’m tired of work.

Sigh.

It’s quiet.

Even with a very verbose dog.

Quiet.

I live a quiet life. Tranquil in a way, uneventful.

Whatever events I make or agree to.

Control

I’m such a control freak.

I still can’t believe it.

I really can’t.

I was so confused when my shrink brought that up during our sessions years ago.

It makes sense.

I see it.

I feel it. I just don’t believe it.

Depression.

My Old Friend

Darkness.

Is he back?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.