Tired as I normally am during the weekends. It’s that extra hour of sleep that I allow myself that really fucks me up. Wake up and walk three miles with Pickles. That’s my new routine. To get more steps and more exercise in with Pickles. He seems to like it. He loves it. It’s good for him. I’m glad.

But I’m tired, trying to catch up with what I did over the long weekend, the 4th of July weekend. I went on a nature walkabout. It really does seem like I have at least one of those once a year. Last year was Utah and this year, I went about it alone. I did a Northern California, Southern Oregon trek this time.

The parks that I visited were Lassen Volcanic National Park, Crater Lake National Park, and Lava Beds National Monument.

Overall, it was a good solo trip, a much needed trip by myself, away from people, just recharging on hiking and nature. It was great.

It started with a very easy and uneventful drive up to Sacramento on Thursday. We got out early and I just wanted to cut my trip up in half. It just made things easier, plus it gave me time on Friday to visit Lassen, which was an addition to the trip. Originally I only planned to do Crater Lake the whole weekend, but since it was on the way up and I had always wanted to do it, why not.

The drive up to the Lassen was uneventful but beautiful and different at the same time. It was mostly because I never took the 99 that far north before. I would always take I5 and also, there were many different other state highways and byways I had to take to get there. It is always great to see a different part of California and a different part of the country that I haven’t seen before.

I rolled up to Lassen around 10-10:30. I got into the visitor center, looked around and then asked for good day hikes to do. I got a few recommendations and I went on my merry way. I was hoping to get out of Lassen close to 5, so I can make it to Klamath Falls at a decent hour.

The first hike I did was Bump Hell. It’s a pretty easy and scenic hike down to the sulphur pools. Along the way were many signs telling you to stay on the trails because there are spots where you could crack the crust and fall into lava and burn yourself. Yay! Danger. What I like. So of course, I stayed on course.

Elevated boardwalks hover just a few feet above the boiling hot pits. You walk around and enjoy the smell. Then, you hike all the way back to the parking lot and then I drove all the way back a few miles to my next destination, Ridge Lakes.

Fucking Ridge Lakes hike. I knew this was going to be a hard one, even the Ranger at the visitor center told me it was going to be a hard one. 1000ft up in a mile. This fucking hike was all up. I had no problems with the Bump Hell hike. That was easy. It got my heart rate going and I wasn’t tired after the hike. I was good. I thought this little one mile hike shouldn’t be a fucking problem. Man was I wrong. So wrong.

The first half mile wasn’t too bad, but it was still bad. My heart was pounding. I was running out of breath. I had to stop every twenty or thirty yards or so. It was rough. Then the last half mile hit. Fuck me. Just fuck me then. Every ten yards or so. Dying. That was probably the first hike ever where I was like, fuck, I need to turn back. How could I be so out of shape for this? What the fuck was wrong with me? I’m defeated by a short one mile hike? Are you fucking kidding me?

It was the elevation. I didn’t take that into account. It was high up. Over 8,000ft up. High. Very thin oxygen. Fucking tired. But I was a trooper. Slowly but surely, I made it up. Up and up with each painful step. Up and up.

I didn’t see that many hikers while going up on the hike. The ranger told me that too and now I understood why. It was rough. The one big group of four said they didn’t even make it up to the top, and I met them at the half-mile mark, but they could have been fucking with me. I thought about giving up, turning around and pretend that it didn’t’ happen. I thought back to the old couple that I met when I first started the hike. If they could do it, I definitely can. No time for quitting. No time.

The top. I made it. Pride, a little bruised, but I made it. My heart rate calmed the fuck down and it turned out okay. There was a smallish lake up at the top, about the same size as Lake Serene, but that was definitely a lot prettier. I was alone. I had the whole lake to myself. I sat there for lunch. Snacked up, regaining my energy and strength. I rested. My feet in the water. I rested. It was calm, tranquil, zen.

I just sat there and enjoyed the view, not thinking much about anything but just being there enjoying the moment and the looming thunder clouds that were slowly blowing in.

CraAaaAAcKKK! Flash! CraaAAAaack! Flash as lightning and thunder partied out in the distance. It was moving in. That 30% chance that the ranger quoted me is becoming 90%. I’ve been sitting there for about forty minutes or so, just chilling, but now it was time for me to pack up and go.

Let’s just say, downhill so much easier. So much easier.

By the time I made it back to my car, it was about one or one thirty. So, what’s next? I looked at the map and it doesn’t seem like there is much. The cone volcano that I wanted to go, I had to drive through the park and then all around to get to, so that might be out, so I opted to just head out of the park and see what came up and that’s what I did. Maybe next time I’ll head out and hike the cone volcano. It’s was an 8 mile hike, round trip. Next time.

In the end, I ended up at one of their big lakes at the end of the park. I scoped it out and that was it. I’m sure if I didn’t have a timeline or felt so rushed because I wanted to get to my hotel at a reasonable hour, I would have enjoyed Lassen more. I would probably have done more if I had more time. Next time.

As I got out of the park and made my way to Klamath Falls, I didn’t have much reception at all. So I navigated blind and followed directions from a gas station attendant. Then, the rain came as I went on my merry way. The sky — dark. Clouds looming low and menacing. I was kind of glad I was in my car and on my way to the hotel.

As I got further and further north, my reception on my phone came and went. I got a series of text which were voicemails from my Google Voice account. The hotel had an issue with my credit card and needed me to call them back to give them a new one.

Eventually, what happened was that Expedia had my old card number on file and not my new one. My fault and I had to eat an extra $70 for the hotel. Lesson learned, but I got my room at a higher price. Apparently, there were no rooms left in all of Klamath Falls.

It was hot and humid as one would expect from a Pacific Northwest summer. I checked in, took a shower and walked the little main street near my hotel to find a place to eat. Nothing that suited me. I then decided to just run a quick errand and maybe I’ll come across something. Nothing, so I decided to go to the brewery next door to the hotel. Had an all right dinner and then just called it a night. I think I was asleep by 10pm if not by 9:30.

Crater Lake.

It was the 4th of July.

For most trips like this, I usually have an idea or a plan of what I’m going to do. What hikes I want to do and what to see. But for some reason, I really didn’t have a plan. I have a vague idea, that was it.

I strolled into the park around 8:30 or so. Nothing was open at the Rim Village. I peed and looked at the map and just decided to do Garfield Peak. It seemed like an easy and reasonable hike. By 8:50 or so, I was on my way.

It was a much easier hike. 3.4 miles round trip. I wasn’t dying or gulping for air or anything like that. It felt like a normal easy hike to me. Easy peasy. It wasn’t too hot since it was so early in the morning, plus there were some cloud cover for most of the way. A little under an hour later, I made it up to the top and was privileged to see such a beautiful view of the lake.

I sat there taking in the majestic view, munching on some breakfast, granola bars and what not and just relaxed. It was beautiful. It was a study in blue. It was just beautiful and hypnotically watching the little tour boat glide through the lake.

Then, it was just time to go as the clouds burned off and the full strength of the sun came shining through. The hike back down was as easy and ever.

I reached the visitor center near the Lodge and worked my way in. It was around 10ish and it was packed already. I went down to the observation deck to buy me some time. As the day went on and with the different angles from the sun, the bluer the lake got.

I wouldn’t mind taking a boat tour but it was all sold out that day. There were about two or three spots left for the next day though, but I decided not to get it.

Not having a plan, I decided to just get in the car and drive the rim after I head to the main Visitor Center near the entrance. There, I asked a Ranger where would the best place be to shoot some stars that night and she said anywhere on the east or south east rim would be great because there would be less traffic there. Unfortunately, the Milky Way will be showing up on the South East of the lake.

Driving the rim, it was just crowded. So many people were there. Cars were everywhere. I pulled into whatever viewpoint that I can, that seemed empty. Walked up, snapped a few pictures, take in the view and went on my merry way.

As I looked at the map and drove around, it just hits me how small Crater Lake is in terms of what to do. There aren’t that many interesting hiking trails near the lake. The best one was Garfield Peak, which I did before and the next one is the Cleetwood Cove Trail, which hikes down to the lake and boat tours. That was on my list and that was where I was headed to. It was at the complete opposite side of the lake from where I started my day.

When I got to the trailhead parking lot, it was already packed. Cars were lined up on the Rim Road, plus it was approaching noon. I found a spot about a quarter of a mile down the road and got going.

Let’s just get this out of the way. Down is easy. Always been. Gravity helps. Not much stress, not much effort. Easiest down hike. Barely broke a sweat. Didn’t even need to rehydrate. Down. Easy.

Got to the lake and walked around the big rocks, trying to scope out a place for lunch. I found a place after some crawling and what not and just sat there, feet in the water, having my lunch snacks. It was cool, and relaxing.

Then a damn crawdad bit me or clamped me. Didn’t realize that there was life in the lake. I’m sure that eventually the rangers put it in there to build a sustainable ecosystem, which makes sense.

The water at that level wasn’t as blue as when you see up high. But it was clear.

I can’t state clearly or put into words the awesomeness the blue is. Different shades, depending on the time of day and where you are. Just beautiful. The lake somehow diffuses all the colors of visible light except for blue, so that’s why we only see the blue in the water. Earth is a wonder.

After getting splashed by a small incoming wake from the tour boat, it was time for me to go.

Going up. Holy shit, there is a stretch that I never noticed while going down that is just straight up. Just Up. UP. Fucking just fucking up. No switchbacks. Not shallow at all. Just up. Man, was it tough. I couldn’t decide which was tougher, that or Ridge Lake, but I think Ridge Lake edged it out as the toughest. But man, the high elevation and the heat didn’t help. But I managed to get up there.

I knew I wasn’t going to do much hiking after that, so I just took off my damn shoes when I got to the car. The rest of the trip was just finish the Rim Road and then head back to the hotel since I have decided to come back that night to shoot the stars. I think I left the park close to 4. It was a surprisingly short day at the park. It was just small, very small.

In a way, I guess I was a little disappointed that it didn’t wow me like it should. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the views, I loved the lake, but for some reason, I found a little lacking. Just a tad.

So, I went back to the hotel, took a shower and just chilled for a bit before I try to find me some food.

Now, Klamath Falls — it’s a very very small town. I would describe it as a town where people drive through and it caters to those people. It was quiet, dead, empty. Maybe it was because it was the 4th of July weekend, but I hardly seen anyone. I didn’t even see much tourists either. They were out finding the firework shows or still at the park doing interesting things.

I didn’t want to drive, so I walked down Main Street again. Not many options to begin with, but with everything closed for the 4th, the options were even more limited. Surprised to find the shi shi steak house open, so I went there instead.

Sunset was at 8:50 and it probably wouldn’t get dark until about 9:30, I decided to head back to the park around 7:30 or so. I got there just as the sun was setting. I found a place on the west side of the rim where I could get a good view of the Milky Way once it rises.

For a while after everyone left, I was alone and then there was some Indian (from India) who brought out a telescope and they were shining their flashlights everywhere. It got annoying. But, as it got darker, I got my pictures that I wanted. For the most part, the weather was cooperative even though there were some low clouds hovering around where the center of the Milky Way was. I still got its spiral and as it got later in the night, I left just before the moon rose and I was glad to get leave the Indians behind. They were definitely annoying.

For the most part, the pictures turned out all right.

And with that, I ended my time at Crater Lake and I had one full day left with no idea of what to do.

On Sunday, I had a rough tentative idea of what to do — Lava Beds National Monument for like half a day if it isn’t interesting and then maybe go out to Ashland and just scope out the town, maybe do some wine tasting if I was up for it and if it was convenient. No expectations of anything at all.

I took the drive to Lava Beds. It wasn’t that long of a drive to get there, but damn, was it a long ass drive in the park to get to the visitor center and pretty much to a lot of the sites. So, when I got there, I had to drive back out and get some gas.

But, damn, Lava Beds was fucking fun. I didn’t know what to expect, but that there were caves to go exploring. So, that’s what I did all day. I explored caves. I went as far as I can on most/all of them that were open and didn’t try to do anything extreme, i.e. squeezing through holes that I know I can’t damn well fit in, especially without any protective gear.

I only had my little tiny LED headlamp and that was pretty much. But damn, it was just great being in the cave, in the dark, mind playing tricks with you, and just exploring.

It was a great day. I was very surprised by it. Definitely one of the highlights of my trip.

I drove back to the hotel around 5ish that day and I don’t think I had much to eat all day. I was tired and I was hungry and I wanted to stay close to the hotel for dinner. Decided to just go to the Thai bistro that was down on Main St. Closed.

I didn’t want steak or any burgers or anything at all. Jonesing for some Asian food, so I Yelped and found a Chinese place.

Got there, saw a slew of Asians — Cantos — come out of the restaurant, can’t be that bad right. Man, I was wrong.

I looked at the menu and it was what I suspected, American Chinese.

When I say American Chinese, I meant like legit American Chinese. Not even like Chinatown Express or anything like that. Hardcore American Chinese.

Their chow mein was all sprouts with the crunchy bread like pretzel sticks. American.

But it was cheap and they had huge portions. I wasn’t expecting the portion size, but when the food got to me, I tossed all snobbery and judgement aside and dove right in.

It was the damn best fucking American Chinese I had in fucking years and I think it is just that I was fucking hungry and I was tired and I didn’t want to find another place and I already ordered so I might as well fucking enjoy it.

I went back to the hotel and just chilled.

I woke up at my normal time and just hit the road. Driving all the way back to LA.

The drive on the 97 from Klamath Falls to Weed to connect to I5 was a beautiful drive. It drives by Mount Shasta. Just a beautiful drive.

Very lovely. The drive home was very uneventful and pretty fast. Didn’t have too many blood boiling moments, until I reached Fresno where a guy was on the far left lane, going 60 whilst on his phone.

Fucker.

But, I managed to get home before 5ish, picked Pickles up and just chilled.

Overall, a great trip and a great weekend. I saw a lot more of California that I have never seen before and got to experience Crater Lake.

It was awesome-blossom.

Cow. The Gentle Listener will have to take a back seat today as I just don’t feel up to continuing it.

I made strong head way yesterday, will, I like to think I did, only writing a paragraph or two, but it was enough for me to feel good about its progress. I’ll not think about it much today, even though it is open and maybe I’ll jump to it. I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet, but I’m putting these words in here instead. I’m doing my garbage dump today.

What to write today? What do I want to get out of my system? I don’t know. It’s not like there is any drama going on in my life.

I guess in a way, I’m just looking forward to my little road trip early next month. Crater Lake National Park near Klamath Falls, Oregon. It’ll be a long drive, broken up into two days, but I’m can’t wait. The whole rim road is open. Time to explore.

Looking forward to the hiking, the views, and to just be with nature again. I miss it. The last time I did some hiking or anything outdoorsy was last year in Utah. It is definitely time. I’m due for a nature trip.

I have to do some research on what are good day hikes and where to go for night photography. I have a lot of that to do and I’m sure when it comes closer, that’ll be what I’ll be doing at work. Can’t wait.

* * *

It’s a quiet day. June glooms is in full affect. Each morning is just a gloomy gray which eventually burns off in the afternoon. But I don’t know, there’s just something about it that just reminds me of home.

It’s not that I want to move home or anything, no not at all. It’s just nostalgia. I guess I’ve been a little nostalgic of late, but what’s new. I’m always in my head. Always.

* * *

In my head. I’ve been just fantasizing a lot lately about random stuff. Being on talk shows and the host being unjust to me and I set them straight. I’m trying to be righteous, minding my business and people are picking on me and I put them in place.

I think about what I would do if I see social injustice with police brutality. What would I do if I see something like that or if I’m involved? Would I fight back? What would I do?

I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired of seeing the blatant abuse of power and that other officers don’t stop in to stop their partners and what not from over using their force. No one puts them in their place and I guess that is what irks me most. No one.

What a fucked up world we live in. Why can’t things just be better? Why can’t people see how wrong things are and just adjust and fix it?

Why?

I guess that’s the big question. Why are these things happening and how can we just let them happen?

* * *

Back at my normal spot today. I thought about continuing on my cow story, but I just feel off.

I have been feeling a little bit off since I finished my po’ boy yesterday. It was good, but yeah, I felt sick afterwards, not the typical food poisoning sick, but the sick sick of being sick.

Plus I’ve been craving sugar. That’s never a good thing.

Time to detox again. Let’s see how long that will last.

Let’s just see.

But yes, I feel tired today for some reason and I’m sure a little bit has to do with what I have been eating lately. I’m trying to go back to a better and healthier diet, but again, let’s see how long that will last before I verge back to eating shit again. I’m sure it’ll be in no time that I’ll be eating shitty again.

* * *

So honey go.

Today is an Aimee Mann kind of day.

I haven’t listened to her in a while, so it’ll just be her today.

* * *

I sit in my usual today, just typing away hoping that I’ll come up with something of substance, something other than my normal rants, but it seems no different.

It is what it is.

My brain is too tired to come up with anything, to focus on anything more serious and difficult as my prose.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid to finish it. Unfortunately I didn’t jot down the notes that I thought I would write about. I locked it up in my head and I’m sure it’ll resurface when it comes time for me to write, but right now, I’m just finger tapping away.

I’m doing a brain purge of the things in my head, getting the cobwebs out of my system.

I’m thinking of the day ahead and how simple it is. I already done much of the hard work and cooking either last night or this morning. It’ll just be a day of watching movies and vegging out.

It’ll be a typical weekend of being alone and recharging for me.

It’ll be back to routine and that is something that I welcome for now.

* * *

Summer.

My summer is slowly shaping up. Plans are changing as travel plans are being formulated at work.

Atlanta is already on the table. What about the others?

Moorestown. Dallas. Chicago?

I don’t know and I guess whatever happens happens. I’m not going to think too much of it.

I would love to do Chicago, but it is what it is?

How about my personal vacations?

One is already in the books. Crater Lake. That has been booked. Dates reserved. Hotel paid for. I just have to just go.

Driving home this summer? Right now, that seems so up in the air. If it doesn’t happen, then I’ll think of something else that I can do in a short time. South Carolina for a few days maybe? Visit the Carters and explore the south east.

That’ll be nice.

Maybe.

It just seems like my life is so unplanned most of the time. I have some idea, but it’s always loose and I adapt for any changes that might happen, like all the traveling that may happen with work.

* * *

Life is just randomness.

My dreams seem so random too.

Had a dream a few nights ago about Ms. D. It was just weird. I haven’t seen or talk to her in months, but I was very surprised that she popped up.

She straddled me in some daisy dukes, leaned in and told me that her guy, Ed, was gay. I didn’t know how to take that information, so I started to nuzzle her neck, and then she pushed me away to reiterate that Ed was gay and from that tone, it was her telling me to stop.

I was just so confused. Very confused about everything. Just so weird and so random.

Life. Randomness.

* * *

It’s almost June already. In about two days, it’ll be June.

This year seems to be flying by so fast. Faster than the last couple of years. Where have all the time gone? Where?

In a blink and Iceland feels so far away, even though that was just 3 months ago. When did 3 months feel like years ago?

Getting old is a funny thing.

It really is.

* * *

The wedding. It was a nice wedding. Very small, full of friends and family of Katy’s and P.R.

It was just good to see old friends again and to catch up with Scott’s better half. Not bad at all.

I might have to reconsider my one rule about weddings. I just might. Who knows? We shall see who will be the next one that sends me an invite that is not family.

I don’t think that I’ll have that many since I’m not that close to anyone that would even invite me. But who knows?

My life is so random and I’m just going with the flow. No idea where I’ll end up and what will happen.

Life is funny.

Tired after a long drive, I woke up this morning in a strange small city. A city I kind of explored last night while looking for a place to eat.

I only small a few blocks of it, but I’m assuming that the rest of the city would be no different.

It’s a far reaching suburb with little strip malls scattered here and there.

Looking at the population breakdown, it makes sense, considering where we are, NorCal, or just south of NorCal, where most of the population had been or are farmers.

Gilroy is just a stone’s throw away.

I rolled around bed for about an hour or so after I got up around 6ish and decided to come out to the Starbucks that I found while I was out last night.

I plopped down here, plugged in typing away as I just people watch. I do what I do best.

I have hours to kill before I have to get back to the hotel and get ready for the wedding today.

Katy’s wedding. I feel bad since I haven’t seen or talked to any of them ever since Scott left, but that’s just.

I’m an asshole. It’s an excuse, but it shouldn’t be an excuse.

I’m just bad at keeping in touch. Out of sight out of mind.

But I’ll see most of them all tonight. It should be fun and interesting.

* * *

I took the PCH all the way up last night and I miss the drive. I miss the views. I miss the Pacific. It’s such a beautiful drive and just makes me want to make the trek up north again via its path, but it’ll take up too much of my vacation time with what I want to do.

I don’t know much about my plans in the next coming few months anymore. It just seems so far away and there are so many things that are pending. Just so many that I can’t really plan.

* * *

The sleepy town stirs and awaken as the sun rises above the horizon.

Cars zoom by outside and people march their way in through the swinging double doors to get their morning cup of joe blend. It is time to start another day.

In between spurts of writing I’m trying to figure out what to do today. What should I do with my limited time here, the limited time before I have to get ready for the wedding?

I don’t know yet. But I’m sure I’ll figure something out. Whether it is to go exploring a new city or if it is to just simply play it close and go watch a movie. I haven’t decided yet.

I think I’m just going to cut this short, grab some food and head out somewhere. The boardwalk?

Just maybe.

I’m tired today. On this day of all days, I’m feeling particularly withdrawn and tired.

I’m sure that me remembering what today is had something to do with why I’m so withdrawn. I thought it would be a little different this time around with me coming to terms with my father’s death, but I still miss the guy and there’s no healing with that.

It is what it is and there’s no way around. It had been a part of my life for quite some time now and today should be no different.

I’m tired.

I stayed up late last night fixing pictures, things that I could have totally put off today, but for some reason, I decided to stick it through, even though I didn’t finish it until this morning.

* * *

It’s mother’s day today.

I usually don’t do anything special on mother’s day, not even calling mom. It’s just another day and being it that it is this date, it’s not a particularly good day.

I’m sure Uncle Joe will call me and ask me over for a bbq, but I don’t think I’m going. Withdrawn.

Alone.

Solitude.

That all sounds good to me.

I’ll just stay at home and just do what I normally do. It’ll be no different than any other weekend.

I’m tired.

Just so tired.

I shouldn’t stay up past midnight. I get ugly whenever I do.

* * *

Work is winding down as most of the migration is finished. All users are up in the cloud and I have found workarounds with some things, like conference room management.

There are some things that aren’t working particularly well, but I’m sure I’ll come to fix it when I have a chance.

* * *

I need a vacation. I want to just go away and to explore. I need to, for my sanity. I need to just to feel refreshed again.

I need a break and summer isn’t coming fast enough.

Plans are still up in the air with so many things in terms of work and travel.

I’m sure plans will solidify eventually.

They must.

* * *

I think it is time for me to go back to my story.

I’m afraid to write it. Afraid to finish it.

I’m just afraid to do anything with it, overanalyzing everything to death.

I just have to do it.

Write.

Stop thinking and write.

It was an interesting and fun night last night.

I was locked in my apartment. I knew that something like that would happen and thankfully I was on the inside instead of outside.

The doorknob just wouldn’t turn. I couldn’t open the door.

I didn’t want to break the lock, which I could have done, but eventually it ended up being broken anyway.

Zack helped me and I am thankful for him.

Bob came and gave me a new door knob, but now I have to have two keys. Not ideal, but hey, whatever.

I am out, I can go on about my life again.

* * *

I’ve been dreaming about work lately. I haven’t had a dream about work in a long time, but it is fitting with everything that is happening with the migration and the little hiccups along the way.

I seriously have been stressed and I’ve been stress eating sugar and drinking a lot.

I’m not good with stress, but I am managing it. It seems like things are going smoother now and that is a good thing.

Hopefully there are no surprises along the way.

I have roughly 100 users left to do and I just need more licenses.

* * *

I read an article this morning about US workers not taking their vacation days, like at all. About 41% of US workers don’t utilize their vacation days and it is eye opening weird that they don’t.

I understand that they are scared about their work and their job and the pile up that they’ll have to sort through when they get back, but man, you need a break.

We all need a break away from work, away from everything to recharge and relax from time to time.

I need to take multiple trips throughout the year just to get away and energize myself. I need a break. If I don’t, stress and just fatigue will eat me up.

I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated after my trips, especially nature trips where I go to nature and hike. It’s amazing.

Just amazing.

Point is, people should take their vacations. It is why they have them.

* * *

What kind of story do I want to tell about this dear black dairy cow?

What do I want to say?

Or should I just write what comes to mind?

There has to be some planning. There has to be some structure.

I know that it’ll be a short story, but what to write about.

I would love to get into more prose, but I don’t know. I definitely need to read more.

I should just write, but I constantly doubt myself.

Just write it dammit. Just right.

* * *

No, not to cheer on Chen, but to Cheer Chen.

Name. Artist.

Taiwanese Singer.

She’s my playlist today as I do my little diatribes.

I would describe her as whimsical folky and I like that description.

Starting anew.

* * *

I can think clearly today. One day alcohol free. That’s a good thing. No more slowness. No more blah.

I can think freely and a little quicker than where I was yesterday.

I feel better. I feel good.

A smidge tired, but I’m always a smidge tired.

Hopefully today would be a good writing day as I just write and write. More than the two pages I got yesterday.

Bad day yesterday. Horrible.

* * *

Lots of traveling to consider in the next few months.

A small road trip up the coast to a friend’s wedding at the end of May and then my first hiking nature vacation of the year, Crater Lake.

I’m really looking forward to that, to go out to the fresh air and to just explore and be one with nature.

I need to relax.

Afterwards is when the trouble comes in. I know I may have to go to Chicago at the end of July or early August for the move.

I have Uncle’s memorial on July 28th. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I guess we shall see.

It’s something that I’ll have to play by ear. It’ll be something that I’ll just have to wing it and hope for the best.

We shall see.

* * *

I have a vague memory of a dream last night. My dad was in it. He’s sitting on that deep purple maroon couch that we had; his spot, and he’s looking really happy.

I think he was discussing food choices or something. I don’t remember. I was standing near the sliding kitchen door. I don’t remember, but he looked happy.

That makes me happy.

I miss him.

* * *

There’s a line today. There’s a long line of people waiting for their tea.

They are slow behind the counter today. I don’t know why, but they’re people just sitting. Maybe it is just the new girl is being slow, or maybe she’s the only one and the little opener isn’t behind the counter at all. She’s in the back kitchen preparing something.

I don’t know, but it is interesting.

I guess today is going to writings of whatever comes to mind or whatever observations.

* * *

Relax.

I just want to relax some more today. I don’t want to think about chores. I don’t want to think about cleaning. I just want to think about work.

I just want to veg out in front of the tv, watching whatever shows or the bluray that I have and zone out.

I just may do that. Forgo the vacuuming and sit in front of the tv with my chips and guac and just veg out.

We shall see when I get home.

I for sure don’t have to cook tonight, so everything, all responsibilities are just to me and my pets. Nothing to worry about anymore.

Not today.

Work stuff can wait till tomorrow, because that’s all that I can do, wait.

* * *

Orders are called out and then picked up. The little tea shop empties, one by one, soon, I’m the only one in here typing away to the folksy whimsy in my ear.

I’m coming up with words to type and stories to tell.

Maybe I’ll have something worth mentioning. Something worth saying.

Hopefully.

Maybe it is time to start thinking about prose again, to take a break from my other writing projects, my scripts and just hope for the best.

Or I could just wait for the draft of Her Secret Service from Bradley and see where he takes it and maybe add something to that.

I don’t know.

I just know that I need to focus on something that I am interested in.

I think I just lost focus on my last one and I couldn’t figure it out. I lost the narrative, knowing that I was writing myself in a hole that I couldn’t get out of.

I have to rethink it. I have to look it over and rework it to something more manageable, something more exciting.

It changed a lot from what I originally had planned, even though I didn’t have a clear plan or direction. I wrote it organically and that’s where I ended up.

I took a wrong turn somewhere and I just have to find my way back.

I’ll figure it out.

* * *

Tights over daisy dukes.

It’s the new thing. Weird, but I guess it works for the modest.

I think I’ll end it here today as I need to get on my little haikus.

Another weekend and another day that the new spotify app is fucking me over.

Maybe it isn’t Spotify but the internet here at Volcano today. I don’t know what it is, but it is getting a little irksome. Very irksome.

Damn, even their website is shit. There’s no easy link to get to the web player. I have to fucking google where the web player is.

I’m seems I’m getting angrier and angrier every day.

Man, this migration is getting to me.

It is stressing me out.

I’ve been drinking a lot and I think it has to do with this migration. It’s not going as smoothly as I want it to go. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me the way it is, but it is.

I can’t wait for it to be over.

For the most part, I’m moving it along in a quick pace, getting over 3/4 of the company up on there already.

I still need to move the rooms and the shared accounts up there and I’m not sure how to do that yet.

I’ll have to research it.

* * *

Tired. Tired today.

It was a long day of drinking yesterday, since it was a Friday and the end of another shitty week of migration.

Whiskey and some rum, my drinks of choice now.

I actually went out and hung out with some people last night. I had a good time too. I think a lot of it has to do with how drunk or buzzing I was.

But that’s neither here nor there. I’m looking for a slow slow day of relaxing and just zening out.

Watching shows and TV or even a movie or two and cooking.

I’m not sure if I want to do any chores, but I’m sure I’ll have to.

Blah. I just feel blah right now.

I don’t’ know, but I just feel blah. I’m sure it has a lot do with how much I drank.

I need to take a step back, step away from alcohol for a while. No drinking. No wine. No alcohol.

Maybe until the migration is over. Maybe for some other time of celebrating. I just need to stop right now.

Blah.

* * *

Tired.

I’m just tired and so behind on so many things.

In a way, that is a good thing. I just means I’m busy at work and not fucking around. So, plus on that. I’m actually doing something and feel productive.

Loud music is playing, drowning out my music. Usually I don’t mind, but I do find it distracting.

Thankfully I’m not doing anything important or need to concentrate on anything.

* * *

It’s a rough day.

Hhahaa, I think the theme for today is that I’m fucked. Not a good day for me.

Ugh. I need to stop drinking for a while.

Touch me like you do / What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for? What is it?

The perfect one? The right one?

They don’t exist. Not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for an independent relationship that we’ll see each other when we see each other. Or basically when we want company.

Two independent souls that never need to be around anyone.

It’s hard.

Very difficult.

But it is out there, so they say. They are out there.

I need someone like me.

As frightening as that sounds, it is true. I need someone like me.

So, there’s a dog version of me, cats are pretty much independent. I just need a girl version of me.

That shouldn’t be too hard.

I’m quite peculiar, and I don’t know that many people who are like me.

Shit, I don’t know that many people, at all.

* * *

Wandering. Relaxing on the road.

It was a shitty week. A stressful week of email issues during our transition.

It was a week of putting out fires and investigating how they got started.

We make head way, and then it turns out it is something else. In the end, we got things managed, but still stressful none the less.

On Friday, things seem to be more under control, more manageable and thankfully, I feel a lot better. I treated myself to dinner.

Then yesterday, I went on a road trip and it was exactly what I needed.

It calmed me so much. It was just so relaxing driving to your particular location, exploring and then it is onto the next one, even though you are only there for minutes and it took you hours to get there.

There’s something about the open road, the journey that just relaxes me.

It felt good.

I feel good.

Relaxed.

Content.

* * *

I totally didn’t remember not being able to bring dogs to Salton Sea, but then again, I went on Christmas Day, when the park was “closed”.

We wandered a little bit on the beach before the ranger called us back. It was all right. It wasn’t that interesting this time around.

There wasn’t many dead fishes unlike the last time I was there. They were scattered everywhere. Yesterday, there were only a handful spread out on the whole beach.

Disappointing.

Salvation Mountain.

I’m not a religious person. It’s just not a thing for me, especially that of the western religion and Christianity.

But, Salvation Mountain was pretty awesome. It was just a very very interesting place and I gladly donated to keep it going.

Even though I’m not a religious person, I can actually appreciate what is going on. Everyone needs a little faith. Everyone needs a little art.

It was awesome and I’m glad whoever is managing the site now is keeping it up after the original person passed away. Kudos.

Kudos indeed.

Desert cities and the Inland Empire.

I wonder what life is out there.

What is there?

Small town, communities that are run down with what seems to me, nothing.

Abandoned homes and buildings, but there’s life out there.

How do they live their life?

What is life like for them?

So many questions.

I wonder how my life would be different if I am the same way as I am now, but grew up in a town like that?

Would I still be alive? Would I still be there? If I am, there has to be a reason why I am stuck there.

I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to stay there after they grow up. There has to be a reason to keep them there. There has to be.

What would keep me there?

Or, what if, I decided to move there. It’s a little Rudderless, but what would bring me to a place like that.

Would I chose some place like that?

What would have had happened to me?

So many questions?

Intriguing drama.

Interesting story.

Prose. Script?

I see a coming of age story, of a girl who grew up knowing nothing but the small world that is her desolate dilapidated town. Crumbling buildings, ghosts of something that wasn’t great to begin with.

She dreams of bigger, of leaving, but things keep her at home.

She wants a change, something different from the dry sandy dessert life day in and day out.

Maybe she meets a guy, a little bit older, a little bit independent and they start something. He instills her to dream and to follow that dream. Maybe she falls in love with him, they make plans to travel.

Iceland.

To her, it’s foreign. To her, it’s the opposite of the dry dessert. Ice.

They plan to go together, but something happens, things fall apart. She fears that she’ll be stuck there again. Her way out is no longer there.

But she overcomes her odds and books a ticket to Iceland.

She goes alone and understands that all she needs to fulfill her dreams, all she needs in her life, is herself.

I’m a sucker for those type of movies.

It speaks to me.

* * *

I don’t know where my writing is going to go.

I don’t know where my writing is going to take me.

I just want to tell stories and sometimes I feel that I’m not a good story teller.

I’m not the best writer. I’m not a good writer, but I just want to tell stories.

I’ll just write for me.

Write for yourself.

Just write.

I need to figure out my last script.

I need to figure out my prose idea.

I just need to figure my writing out.

Here again.

Another revolution around the sun since the last time I wrote one of these another year older, another year wiser entries.

It has been another year and I am a new number.

36. 36. 36.

The fortunate thing is that I’m still considered in my mid-thirties.

The not so fortunate thing, I’m getting older. Older and older.

Looking back it seemed that 35 was a great number. It was a great year of doing a lot more things on my own and a definite growing year, understanding myself and my motives a lot better.

It helped that I had professional help to guide me and help me talk through the issues that I was having.

I just hope that 36 would be no different in terms of another growing year and another year of gaining understanding as to who I am and what I’m doing.

For the most part it seems 36 is shaping up to be a very good independent year. It’s a continuation to the last few trips that I made, solo trips to Chicago over New Year’s and to Iceland just a few months ago.

It’s going to be a year of living up to my motivation, just wanting to be alone and enjoying my freedom.

I don’t want to think of or even look for a relationship, because in the end, how I see it, I just don’t work in them. They just don’t work and that is something that I came to realize. It was partly due to my last relationship and how stubborn I am in my therapy sessions that I don’t like dating.

I’ll just live my life like I have been doing and not put it on hold because I am too afraid that I’ll grow old without my one true love and children.

It is something that I have to live with, because ultimately it is my decision in the end to live this life.

35.

It was an emotional year. It was a year of emotional growth, throwing off the heavy boulder that was resting on my chest.

I came to terms with my father’s passing. I came to believe the simple truth as to what happened.

Shit happened. My father passed away from a heart attack. I had no control over it. I didn’t not kill him.

I was carrying around that guilt for years and years and I knew that it was holding me back from so many things. I had to get better in part of my life, that part of my heart before I can even fathom allowing someone else to be in it.

Now, instead of guilt whenever I think about my father, all I really feel is the pain of missing him.

I miss you dad.

35.

I live a quiet life. I live a life dictated by my choices and my psychosis.

I live the life I live now, because I chose too.

I can have so many things and I’m aware of so many things, but for some reasons, I chose not to pursue or act.

It’s not that I resigned myself to not acting, but it is more that I am apathetic to it.

That’s the sick thing. I know in the end, it’s not a big catastrophe if things don’t go my way, but I guess the control freak that I am can’t handle it.

I’m sure a little fear plays a part in it, but eventually I’ll have to get over it.

Eventually.

I am a stubborn man that is a slave to his convictions and his warped sense of what is right and wrong.

* * *

35.

For the most part it feels a lot like it was a year of finding myself again.

It definitely felt like the first couple of years that I moved down to Los Angeles. I’ll just go on, living my life alone, going to work, watching movies by myself. It feels exactly like that.

* * *

Starting again, while continuing what I have written above. I have lost my train of thought, or actually I never really had one.

I just know that this past year just gave me the freedom to go and just do things by myself again. For some reason, that felt lacking the last couple of years and it just miraculously came back to me.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely back.

Maybe it is this renewed sense of knowing that I don’t need to be with anyone to live a happy life, or that I really feel that I am truly happy with being single and just being me, right now.

I don’t know, it is just different, but not. It’s a very strange sense of familiar, but unfamiliar at the same time.

* * *

This yearly diatribe isn’t going well. Not well at all.

Maybe I’m just hungry, or I feel that I have to do something else.

* * *

Change.

Growth.

Any year without that, is not a good year.

Let’s hope that this new number will bring forth a year of constant growth and steady change for the better.

I want to be a better person. I want to be an even better man.

Being alive gives me that chance.

* * *

It’s getting hard to write. It’s getting difficult to put my thoughts into cohesive sentences and I don’t know why.

* * *

The last couple of months or even the last year have been a year of putting thoughts into action. I know that I have always been that way, that if I want to do something, then I’ll do it.

But for some reason, it had been a good year for it. No dream is too small or even too big to fulfill.

Thought into action.

It is definitely time to not put my life on hold and to not go somewhere or not do something because I am alone.

Not having someone to go with or do together should never and was never ever a reason to not go or do it. Never

Never.

35 has been a big year for that and I hope that it doesn’t stop.

* * *

Another day, another attempt at this little post that has ran away from me.

Another year older, another year wiser.

My mantra, my words, my reflections.

35 has treated me really well. It was a growing year, a learning year, an understanding year.

I am a better person at the end of this number.

My woes and my angst dim just a little bit more. I’m slowly getting fixed from whatever issues that have troubled me.

It was a year of rebuilding and a year of getting back to what I was after going through a rut in my life.

I am back to where I am supposed to be. Back to living my life and not questioning my life choices and not caring about certain things that I have or don’t have in my life.

Come what may. Come what may indeed.

I live my life. I chose what I want to do. I do. If plans change, then I adapt.

There is no other excuse in it. There is nothing else about it.

I have gotten back on that track.

35.

I go. I do.

I take it a day at a time.

Come what may.

I don’t care what other people say. I don’t wonder what people say.

I just live life according to my rules and my decisions.

That is what 35 brought me. It brought me back to where I was supposed to be before this rut.

35.

The year of finding myself again. The year of getting back on track. The year of being me.

35.

It was a good number. It was a happy number. It was a cathartic

I can only hope that 36 will bring me something similar if not more.

* * *

It’s cold in here today.

The AC is throwing me off. Taking my mind on the words that I’m trying to come up with.

I struggle to put thoughts into words. I struggle to get into the groove.

Writing has been a problem with me as of late. I’ve been having serious problems just writing.

There was a time when I hated writing. It was a chore, but then as I started to write recreationally, writing in this blog of mine, I developed my love for it. Then I started to love my writing on the scripts that I wrote.

Now, I find it a struggle and it is disheartening.

Hopefully that will change.

I think I’m just tired these past couple of days, staying up later than I normally would and that is affecting my thoughts. Let’s just go with that for now.

* * *

My mind wanders. My thoughts lost somewhere in the ether.

This entry cannot go on.

So, here I welcome this new number, this new year of me, 36.

I welcome you and bid a fair goodbye to what have been a great number, 35.

Thank you for getting me back on track. Thank you for everything.

Let’s hope 36 will only be better.

36.

Bring it on.