This week has been long.

This week has been busy and in a way, it felt like some of the pressures and stress that I had at work melted away.

Maybe it had to do with me figuring out the whole HRM Tagging color coding issue and that it has gone live. There’s still work left to do with that site and project, but the bulk of the work is done.

Another thing is the trip to Italy is coming to fruition. We just booked our plane ticket and will get our hotel reservations soon.

Things are busy but slowing down. Things are good.

I have a vacation coming up and I’m already on vacation mode. It doesn’t mean much now, since I have so much work to do, but it means something.

* * *

My week started out with the trip to Miami.

It was my first time and I really didn’t know what to expect. Again, everyone said I would hate it.

I can’t really say that I either like it or hate it since it was for work and wasn’t representative of what a normal vacation trip I would have done.

Since this was for the client, they put us all up in a fancy resort hotel, the Fountainebleu on South Miami Beach.

The view was awesome. The location was great, but then again, it was a resort.

Sure, we had a car, but we were so busy with the event and work, I really didn’t get to explore Miami the way that I would have wanted.

So, right off the bat, it had everything going against it.

It was fucking hot. It was fucking hot and muggy. The temperature was already 87 degrees at 6AM.

It was the day of the shoot, going to breakfast, walking outside — WHAM! Fucking heat.

Ugh.

That wasn’t good.

I haven’t sweat that much in a long ass fucking time. It was ridiculous.

Drivers. I don’t like their drivers. They are slow and maybe it’s my LA impatience, but hot damn.

There were toll roads everywhere. Like, a shit ton.

We took the long scenic route to the event and that took forever. On the way back, we took the shorter, faster, toll road. Fuck it. I’ll eat the cost.

The event.

Overall, it was good. We shot the shit out of it.

I had to go to my 18-200 DX lens because I needed the focal length. They’ll be fine with the DX crop. It is what it is, but they got the pictures.

I took over 5,000 pictures for that event and I still haven’t seen the other photographers.

The day was hot. We were outside most of the day, in the sun, in the heat.

Fucking hot.

Sweat.

Everywhere.

Down my face, back, body.

Yuck.

Disgusting.

But that’s our job.

It was an amazing opportunity for me, something fun and interesting that broke up my work year.

Definitely glad that I had the opportunity to shoot it.

I do have to admit, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to drive the Type R. I know that I’m not too comfortable with a stick, but I know the basics and can do it.

I would love to have a chance to just drive it on the track.

But, c’est la vie. It wasn’t meant to be.

I stopped by the beach after we got back to the hotel, before dinner.

The Atlantic was warm. The sand was nice. The air was wet. The heat was torching.

Miami.

I don’t know how I feel about you.

It was an experience that I would have never planned for myself, but it was a good first taste.

I know what to expect next time.

There will be a next time.

* * *

I’m fucking burnt. I’m fucking red.

My skin peels.

My face. Fucked.

I have another hiking trip coming up. Another chance to get fucked up some more.

I forgot to wear sunscreen while I was in Miami. That fucked me up. To say I got burnt is an understatement.

Denver, definitely will need some sunscreen.

* * *

Denver.

Right now, Denver is off to a Rocky start, pun intended.

So, it seems that the original Inn that we were going to stay in Estes Park was sold and the new owners didn’t want to honor all the reservations.

No one contacted me about it. My bro told me to check it out and I did.

So, I rushed and frantically called Hotels.com to make other arrangements. They found another hotel about 30 minutes away in Lyons, Co. It wasn’t ideal, but considering we are about a week out from the 4th of July weekend, all hotels/motels/inns/b&bs were sold out everywhere or the prices were just ridiculous.

It is what it is and we’ll just have to deal.

Either way, I’m looking forward to this trip. I’m looking forward to a break and a vacation.

It’ll be good.

I don’t know what I’m going to do besides hiking. I have no solid plans yet, besides the Night Tour at the Stanley Hotel.

I’m just going to wing the hikes that we’ll do and just base it on how busy it is.

Considering it is the 4th of July weekend, it’s going to be fucking crazy. I mean, how can it not be if every fucking hotel in Estes Park is sold out.

It’ll be a ridiculous weekend.

I’m sure I’ll do some more planning throughout the week.

I’m on vacation mode.

* * *

It’s been a while since I wrote about this or have brought it up, but I’m doing another Year of Yes.

This year is like any other year where there will be times when I just forget that I’m doing it, so I would say my typical no and others where I’ll remember and do it.

But, to be fair, it’s not like I have many opportunities to do it. I just go about my day, my life like I normally would and think nothing of it.

I did get invited to do an escape room with the Ad Ops and the Search team this past Wednesday. It was my first escape room and I’ve always wanted to do one, but never did because of the lack of friends and opportunities.

Remembering to say yes and just wanting to hang out anyway with the group, I went and it was pretty cool.

We started late, but we got out in about 52 minutes. It was fun and they were a good group of people to hang out with. It wasn’t awkward because for me because we were all working towards something anyway.

Then we went to get dinner at a local bar/restaurant down the street. I didn’t have a bad time, but their fucking service was horrible. A few of the group wrote 1-star reviews on yelp. Yeah, it was shitty service.

Year of Yes is still trucking along. I don’t get many opportunities, but I’m trying to make it an effort to remember to say yes to things.

Who knows what it’ll bring me and how long I fall back to my old ways?

* * *

I should be a model.

I was told that by the same girl twice and the last time was this past Friday. She’s too kind and nice, but she says she tells it like it is.

Compliments.

I just don’t know how to take compliments and I guess that’s something that I need to learn how to do, or do better.

I laughed of course when I heard her say that I should be a model, again. It’s just too funny. Me, a model. HA!

I don’t think there’s anything that’s very stylish about me. I just wear whatever I wear and for the most part, I simply don’t give a fuck. My hair is a perpetual mess of not knowing what it wants to be for I’m just trying to make it through until it is time for me to cut it.

The other day, I dressed up a little bit, button up shirt tucked in to my chinos and shoes. I received many compliments that day. I looked sharp. I always find it funny and in a way somewhat offensive when I do make the effort of fixing my hair and dressing in something other than my travel jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie.

It just means that I look like shit any other day. My common response when someone tells me that I look nice today is I look nice every day and they are like, no.

If only I put in the effort, I guess. If only.

A few months ago, the Yam asked why I’m single because she thinks I’m the total package. I’m good looking, smart, cooks, etc etc etc. I don’t remember everything that she listed, but the gist is hey, you’re a good and decent guy, why are you single?

Again, a compliment that I don’t know how to take or answer. But the answer is complicated like it normally is.

I got back to this time and time again, I do wonder what people actually think of me.

I see many girls in the office would smile at me when they walk by, say hi and what not, but how many of them is because we work with each other and they are nice.

A few weeks back I had a conversation with Glymph and we were talking about guys liking her and I made the comment that there are no girls that like me or something in that vein and she just stops talking and smiles, like she almost got caught saying something that she shouldn’t. Of course, she didn’t expand on it and I didn’t press her on it.

Better to leave it. Most of the girls in the office are uber young anyway. Way too young.

* * *

I know that I seem like a broken record as of late, but I’m fucking stressed.

I don’t think the workload is about the workload, I think I just stress out on my lack of knowledge on how to do something, or maybe my frustration of not being able to figure something out.

I know that SharePoint in a sense, is a new system to me, but it’s not. I’m not a SharePoint expert. I would consider myself a power user or developer, but I am definitely not an expert, so I should give myself some slack, but that’s not how I operate.

Stakeholders would ask me to do this or do that and I just try and figure it out and I’ll run into roadblocks because I just don’t have the certain skill set to make it work, like coding. Sure, I would watch how-to videos on how to do certain things, but sometimes they’ll just need other pieces of software to make it work and I’ll just get frustrated again.

I’m limited by my knowledge and my resources and my skills. I have no coding experience and some of the things that I need to build or develop requires coding.

But I try and do and experiment and fail and get frustrated.

I have so many projects on my plate that I started to use OneNote to keep track of everything, from concept, what’s been done, how it works, site issues, etc etc.

Again, fuck 2017.

But, eventually I’ll find a solution to my issue and I’m sure it’s not the most kosher way to do things, but it works and I think at the moment, that is what matters.

I am really pushing Benjo to push to hire a SharePoint expert for the Tech department and maybe have our tech guys downstairs learn more stuff.

I could act like a conduit between the teams and the developer and help figure out what the team wants and let the developers do their fucking job and make things work.

Sure, it’ll take work off me, but hey, it works.

* * *

In a way, I really do hate my work ethic.

It’s good, but it’ll be the fall of me.

I have so many projects piling on me and all I want to do, even in my free time at home is to work and finish it.

It’s my coping mechanism to get this pressure off my shoulders. I just need to finish things.

I’m sure it is an OCD thing, but fuck me, so much shit.

I expect a lot of overtime when I really get to it.

Blah.

* * *

I still haven’t had much time to focus on the fucking Miami shoot.

Maybe tomorrow or tonight, I’ll go over the shot list again. I don’t know what the job number is.

But right now, I can’t even focus on anything because of work and me wanting to get away.

Blah. I have a vacation coming up for 4th of July weekend and I still need to prepare and plan for that.

After I get back from Miami, I’ll start planning on what hikes to do and what not. I’ll just say I’m on vacation mode, which is pretty much true.

I’ve been really lazy as of late, especially with my photography.

It’s not that I’m not taking pictures, it’s more about the processing out the pictures and posting on flickr. They’re not that many pictures either.

It’s just that when the weekend comes around, I don’t want to do anything. When i get home, I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t remember the last time I was diligent in doing things after work besides watching shows and TV. Last year?

Maybe.

Fuck 2017.

It’s been a busy and hectic year and it seems that it’ll only get worse.

C’est la vie.

* * *

My mind wanders, sitting here alone in this empty tea shop.

It goes to work, not able to turn off the constant wondering of finishing the project and figuring out the best approach to present things.

Does the app work? Does it fit their needs? Could it be done better? How do I do this?

The questions go on and on and one. The list grows as I doubt myself, questioning everything that was done. It’s a safety measure, a QA of sorts.

Still stress, but what’s new?

Work is work. I think I’m at a good place with the HRM tagging project to show and have a meeting setup on Tuesday to show what I envisioned for their team and workflow.

It’s not perfect, but it’s something.

Things are moving fast in that more teams are curious and interested in the new tools and what SharePoint has to offer and I’m the person that can help them. That’s a lot of pressure. That’s a lot of responsibility. That’s a lot of work.

But on to other things…Are there any?

* * *

It’s cold today. Not just cold outside, an overcast day, but cold in Volcano. The ac is blasting.

My mind is distracted, torn in so many directions and focused on so many other things that I can’t focus on any one thing. My thoughts to this little post is gone and I’m just writing to write.

Work.

Food.

Vacation.

Relish.

My life is just a jumbled mess being pulled in so many directions.

Stressed.

Stressed eating.

I’m sure things will get better once things will get down or when we get this whole SharePoint thing officially launched, but that’s still months and months away.

I got the work shoot in Miami to think about and then I have an actual fucking vacation.

Rocky Mountains National Park.

I still need to do some research and figure out what hikes to do and what to pack. I’m still coordinating with the flaky travel agency for the Italy trip. Man, they are totally slacking. Horrible.

There are times when I just feel like, let’s just do AirBnB and call it a day.

Let’s see what they turn up.

Money. Money. Money.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

Most of it was for Relish and it is what it is. It’s how it should be.

Now, I have to save up a few grand for the Italy trip, that’s going to be about $4k and then I’m still worried about Jun making her fucking car payments.

Man, this year is turning out to be a really tough and stressful year.

I’ll survive.

I hope.

* * *

Drinks.

Been drinking a lot. Again, it definitely has to do with the stress that I’m going through.

Instead of the whiskey, it’s mostly wine that I’ve been consuming. It goes with the cooking that I’ve been doing and I usually just drink at home. No hard liquor at home, even though I do have some scotch.

I don’t know what I did with my ice cube trays. Do I trust the cold water that is coming out of my tap? Maybe. I don’t know.

Maybe I should just invest in a liquor collection. Who knows?

Maybe.

Maybe.

* * *

Blah, my mind just went to work.

It’s been a while since I’ve been this stressed for so long.

I know I was stressed with Relish and what she’s gone through, and that is winding down. I’m talking about work.

It has been a while that I’ve been so stressed at work.

Before it was the transition from on-prem Exchange to O365 Cloud.

Now, it is SharePoint development and new Microsoft Tools.

I ran my experiments, my own pirate ship, as Benjo would like to call it, with different people and different groups in the agency, introducing this new tool to their work flow and trying to just make it work.

For the most part, I can see and understand what everyone wants and it is just me trying to figure out how to do that with SharePoint.

There’s a lot of development, meetings, questions, trial & error in getting everything up and running.

There’s just a lot of work and I’m the only one doing the development. I’m the only one that has the knowledge that knows how to develop in SharePoint.

So, everything is down to me.

It’s a lot of pressure because it seems that it is the tool that we are going to commit to. It’s the tool that will replace Social Bridge and it makes sense. It’s part of our license agreement. Why pay for something else when we have something that does the same thing.

The setup and the maintenance and the admin isn’t going to be fun, but at least it is robust and can do the job.

That’s what we’re looking at right now.

So, I’m knee deep in multiple projects and multiple roll outs in getting people what they want.

In a way, it is fun. I’m busy and I’m using my brain to figure shit out, but on the other hand I feel like I’m navigating blindly to figure things out.

At least we have a vendor to help with the build out and to make things pretty. I think that is one of our drawbacks, it looks plain and out of the box. It’ll get fixed.

The stress will subside once we go live and make the announcement and start actually building the structure and jump right into the development side of this project.

But yeah, this stress and everything with Relish, and all the onboarding of the new people…it’s been a fucking busy year and it is almost half over.

Almost half over.

Let’s hope the rest of the year goes more smoothly.

* * *

I need a vacation.

Thankfully, I have one coming up at the end of the month. Denver. The Rocky Mountains.

I need to plan that. Figure out what hikes to do. Figure out what to do in Denver. Where to eat? What to explore.

But mostly, I just want to enjoy and not think about work. I just want to get away from people and get back into nature to recharge.

I need nature in my life.

I need mountains in my life.

I need trees in my life.

I need more seclusion in my life.

It’ll be a good trip. It’ll be an interesting trip.

Looking forward to it.

* * *

With all the stress that I’m going through, I’ve been stress eating.

Been craving sugar and sugar and sugar and eating and eating and eating and eating whatever I can.

Meals on meals on meals. Fast food and other horrible foods that I normally don’t eat.

My diet is just trash, but I think I’m slowly getting back into things.

Started to cook again to help manage the stress, to Zen out and I think that helps a little bit.

But, let’s see.

It was my second photography trip for work and I have another one lined up later next month.

I was sent to Baltimore, MD to shoot a Civic Type R for a project that we are doing for Honda.

Again, I’m only a backup backup photographer for the agency and it seems that everyone was unavailable due to it being a holiday weekend and I was the only one who didn’t have plans. I usually don’t plan anything around this time anyway, but yes, I was available to do it.

At first, I was gung ho about it and then I was a little hesitant because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with Relish. She stayed at ASEC for medical boarding for a price I was willing to pay.

Pickles was Pickles. He’s a pro at being boarded at Center Sinai now. He’s comfortable with it and I’m okay with it.

So, I went.

* * *

Thursday was a long day of traveling. Bright and early to late night on EST. It was only 6:30 on PST, but it felt like 9:30 to me.

By the time I landed, there wasn’t a shot list. It didn’t come until past midnight on the East Coast. Good thing I don’t sleep well and I looked it over and planned on doing most of the shots anyway. I was to treat the photoshoot like an auto show and for the most part, that’s what I did.

They had a narrative and a story that they wanted to tell, but given the area and the environment, I couldn’t make that happen. There were no shipping containers anywhere near this port.

There were just cars and cars and more cars. Cars.

The photoshoot went well. I got all the shots I needed, or at least I think I did and a lot more.

There was a mishap and it was my fault. I should have seen it. I should have anticipated it. It was during the exterior 360 shoot with the Theta. It was windy and the low-profile tripod, was more a monopod than anything else.

Wind and no balance doesn’t lend well for photography, especially the camera. One of the lenses got scratched up bad. I have a replacement Theta on order and should get it tonight.

Fucking piece of shit. It is what it is.

I got the shots and hauled ass back to the hotel room where I selected a few jpgs for upload.

It was a long full workday for me even though most people got out at 2. I wasn’t fortunate. It’s part of the job and it is what it is.

I got a job and I got more insight into the advertising aspect of the agency and see how the meat of the work is produced. It is truly interesting and fascinating to see that part process. I never been included before.

They picked their shots and I got them the pictures.

There was a mishap in terms of getting pictures which I don’t know what happened. It must be a permission setting or something.

I just tried it with a “view only” perms that I set for users and they could login without any problems.

I’ll have to test with Nick.

But they got the files and I am done with this project. Onto the next one.

Onto the next one.

* * *

Exploring Baltimore.

Well, I didn’t have a good chance to explore Baltimore.

I left work, or my hotel room a little after 5 and went to the hotel bar to grab a drink and then I went back to the hotel to put the files on the shuttle since some users were having issues.

After, I went to dinner. It was about 2 miles away and I decided to drive instead. I thought of walking after I was well on my way. There was a moment I thought about driving back, parking, and then walking, but then decided not to.

The plan was seafood. It’s the Northeast, so seafood was the thing to go for. I found the Thames St. Oyster Bar on Yelp and that’s where I went.

I had the grilled octopus and the lobster roll. I’ve had better of each, but still good.

I was sitting at the bar and I met and had an interesting conversation with a girl that was sitting next to me.

She is a science teacher in high school and from North Carolina. She moved to Baltimore back in 2008 for the teaching gig and she seems cool.

Everything felt so organic in how we started to chat and what not and I’m sure the copious amount of alcohol that we both consumed helped ease whatever inhibitions that we had.

She is envious about my fearlessness and my sense of adventure and for the most part it seems that she needs someone to give her the confidence and to be with her and to live their life with her. She wants a companion.

I’m sure if I was a local in Baltimore, something probably would have happened or continue to happen and since I’m not, nothing much happened other than an exchange of numbers.

I haven’t heard from her yet.

But, I was still trying to make it work, in terms of hooking up. I’m not going to lie about that.

If it happened, great. If it didn’t, fine.

But it was a great experience, a great moment in this life of moment that I’m able to connect and have a moment with a total stranger like that. I’m not as hopeless as I think I am.

I just need to put myself in a situation like that and allow it to happen.

It was good. I know that I’m capable of it and I like the confirmation that I can. Sure I got rejected, but again, what’s new.

Next time.

When things are out of control, the only control you have is how you process and deal with it.

It’s the only way one can keep sane.

Take control of your emotions when things get out of hand.

It’s the only control you have.

It’s important.

Take control of what you can.

Some light broke through last week and now everything is bright.

Sometime early last week I decided to let Relish out of her crate and roam the living room under supervision. She seemed so much happier now that she has some freedom and out of her crate.

She’s able to cat again. She’ll groom herself and explore the limited space that she has access to.

Light.

Sunshine.

The darkness lifted.

Relish will have surgery on Tuesday to close her wound. They’ll have to take skin from somewhere else and graft it on to the open wound. She’s on the mend.

She’s eating on her own. She’s moving around on her own. I was directed to stop her pain medication.

Progress.

Light.

Relish.

* * *

Mother’s Day was Sunday.

I called mom and the first thing she asked was about Relish. I told her she’s doing fine and how it happened with me rescuing Chutney and everything.

She then asked how much money I spent on her.

I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. I know what her response would be. She started from thousands to tens-of-thousands and believe me, she wasn’t happy.

I knew her response.

She would have just let her died. Why would I spend that much money of a fucking cat?

Typical.

It is what it is.

Money isn’t that important to me. My conscience and my heart matters more. Money is money. It doesn’t buy me my happiness.

My clear conscience that I did everything to protect this cat and to save this cat makes me feel better about myself. That’s what’s important.

My responsibility as a pet owner and as a fur-parent.

That matters.

But, overall, it was a good call after we moved on from Relish.

Even though I knew her response, it still pissed me off.

* * *

As people find out what happened to Relish and see pictures of the damage, they all feel bad.

Those who were encouraging me to get Chutney feel guilty about it.

It’s not their fault and it’s not something that they should apologize for. I’ve pretty much had it in my mind and heart that I needed to rescue Chutney anyway.

It is what it is.

No one could have foreseen what happened. I certainly didn’t when I met him and rescued him. I thought that he would just fit in based on Chutney’s personality when I met him.

He’s sweet and just wants attention.

It is what it is.

Time to move on.

We all can’t change the past, we just have to come to terms with it.

* * *

My life is unbalanced and I’m slowly trying to find that balance again. I trying to find the status quo that I had before everything that happened in the past month or so.

It is staking its time.

Slowly.

Slowly getting back to cooking again.

Slowly getting back to baking bread.

Slowly finding my routine.

Work is busy and that’s not helping. I’m in the thick of a big company project for my department and I’m pulled in so many directions while trying to manage and project manage things on my side.

For the most part, I have things all under control, but it’s a lot.

It’s the new normal.

It’s the new status quo.

I just have to adapt.

Adapt or die.

Evolution, right?

Adapt.

Live.

* * *

Quiet.

Silence.

I keep my weekends quiet and alone.

It’s how I recharge.

I stay home and take care of my charges and that’s all that matters. It’s their time. I make it up to them for being at work during the week and they get to be home with me.

I don’t like to go out.

I don’t like to do things.

I just like to chill.

I like to Zen out and unwind.

Cooking helps.

Bread making helps.

Sometimes, not always, cleaning helps.

Alcohol helps.

I’ve been drinking a lot recently and it’s mostly because of the upheaval in my life. Things are slowing down as stated above. There’s light, but things are still unbalanced.

It’ll take some time to adjust, but I’m getting there.

The pressure is off.

I’m adapting.

* * *

Carbs.

I’ve been eating a lot of carbs…like, a shit ton of carbs.

Pizza. Pizza. Pasta. Pasta.

Now, bread bread.

Experimenting with bread.

I started to venture out from the regular sourdough boules that I’ve been making and adding other things to it.

My first experiment? Sundried tomatoes and basil sourdough.

How do I think it’ll come out? Like shit. It’s way too hydrated.

I fucked it up. There probably wouldn’t be any oven spring.

It’s just a wet mess.

I’ll cook the fucked up one tonight and leave the other three for tomorrow.

Hopefully at least one of those loaves will turnout okay. I just want something to turn out okay.

There’s some light at the end of the tunnel. There’s some breathing room where I don’t feel the whole world crushing down on me.

Relish is on the rebound. Her wounds and new tissue are looking healthier and healthier each time that she’s getting her bandage changed. It’ll still be a long road to recovery, but there’s progress.

It’s only been a week, but I think I have worked out a schedule and a routine in when to feed her, her meds, and dropping her off to get her bandage changed.

It’s tough and requires a lot of patience and care and at times a strong stomach cleaning up after her, but as long as she makes a recovery, I’m all for it. I’ll put in the time. I’ll put in the work, and heaven knows I’ve put in the money.

Relish is impatient and just wants to get out from her crate and explore the apartment, to find her old hiding places and just be. She wants to go to her litter box and do her business there and scoffs at the make-shift one of newspaper that I made for her.

I have to be more diligent about cleaning that out. If it’s dirty with pee, she’ll just shit on the towel. Disgusting.

Patience.

It’ll definitely be like this if I ever have kids. It’ll be a lot of patience and a lot of work.

So tired. I can feel my body giving up, I can feel the cold coming down on me. I just need to rest. I need to sleep. I need to catch up on sleep.

I haven’t been sleeping well since all of this started and it’s not like my normal sleeping was that great to begin with.

I slept better while I was on the Whole30 Cleanse. Might have to just adjust my diet again. Who knows?

But, now, Relish is alive. Relish is on the mend. Relish is recovering and I am so fucking grateful for it.

She’s my kid, my responsibility and I was the one that got her in the mess. If she has any chance of staying alive, then I’m taking it. That’s what being a parent and an owner/guardian of a pet or a child means. You be responsibility for everything.

Sigh.

Of course, I wish this never happened and that I wonder if I made the right decision, but it’s way too fucking late now.

Everything is temporary. Everything will be okay.

Everything, Everything.

Everything.