Change. Change. Change.

Control. Control. Control.

Whenever I get into a situation where I feel like I’m losing control, I always do something drastic, but safe.

For example, I would shave my head or grow it out…whenever it seems my emotions are running wild from a rejection or something else.

It happens. I’m an emotional person and I’m a control freak.

I try to control my life or do something that gives me a sense of control back.

I have a feeling that I’m spiraling into a similar situation again, but I don’t know if simply shaving/growing my hair out will change anything.

The drive to change had been there for a while now. I’ve made some changes, like purchasing new furniture, new diets, and now, a new pet.

But that sense of change is still there. It’s pulsating.

I need a change.

Change.

Control.

Control.

Change.

Why?

I don’t know. I’m in a rut maybe. Maybe not.

I’m good in my life. I like the freedom. I have my pets for company. I have a good routine going.

But I don’t know, there’s still a drive for change.

Maybe I’m tired of living in my place. I want better for myself, or a better apartment, house.

Maybe I’m just tired of working and just want to retire and not do anything.

There’s a lot.

Also. The world.

The FUCKING WORLD.

I have no control over that. None. I can do what I can, but it’s up to people with a better political drive than me.

If there are politicians that align with me, I’ll vote. Policies that align with what I want, I’ll vote.

That’s the best I can do given everything.

But even then, all of that is being stripped away.

And the Left Base is a fucking joke. They are the Republicans of the 90s.

We’re fucked.

FUCKED.

I need a change.

So, what are my options? What am I doing?

WHAT? WHY?

I started a new project. It’s a little intimidating, it’s scary and I don’t know how it will go.

I’m created the necessary accounts. I created and did it.

It’s official.

Will I be successful? Who the fuck knows.

I sure as hell don’t.

It’s something to work on. It’s something to focus on.

It’s different and I think that’s what I really need.

Something to focus on other than the shit and uncertainty at work and the ugliness of the whole fucking world.

I just need something.

Just something to put my mind in a meditative state that isn’t thinking about the end of all things.

Work. Focus. New challenges. New problem solves.

It’s something that I’m familiar with but something that I know nothing about.

It’s exciting. It’s scary.

There’s high potential for failure.

I think that’s how I need to change my mind set to that it’s high potential for failure and nothing will come out of this. If it does take off, great, grand…beautiful. Celebrate.

If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. It’s something that’ll keep you busy.

Something to keep you mind off of things until there’s another need to change.

You are just starting out. You are still learning the ropes.

No pressure. Low lift.

It’s for fun.

Change.

It’s scary.

It’s worth it.

Change.

It happens.

Sometimes it doesn’t and that’s okay too.

I just don’t know if it’ll do anything to dampen this desire to change.

But at least I’m taking the control and trying to make a change.

I don’t know…maybe there’ s a part of me that’s just trying to take accountability and responsibility about my life.

I mean, I already am, but also at the same time, I’m coasting.

Can I do more?

Of course I can.

I always can do more.

Looking back, whenever I take charge and make a change, it works out for the best.

Whenever I come to a problem, I’ll study it and then tackle it and eventually I’ll resolve it or come to a conclusion that there is no fix and ultimately be okay with it.

Will this be the same thing?

No fucking clue.

But at least I’m trying something.

That’s all that I can ask for.

Hopefully it’s enough of a spark to free me.

Freedom.

Change.

Control.

Life.